#i don't want to exist and i want to relapse so fucking bad and i don't even know what specific way maybe all maybe i'll just have-

[beast-feast]

What if I deactivated

#feeling sick because it feels like I did something wrong again and I don't know what it is so I'm grasping at straws #don't know if talking or leaving people alone is the better option here I wanna leave this house I don't feel safe #I don't feel safe saying anything here or anywhere else I don't feel safe in my HOUSE #have to worry about people looking through my windows and having shots fired into my room and someone breaking in because I have two doors #I want out i want to sleep I wish I could say something or disappear and reappear where nobody knows me #be pronounced dead but someone who looks like me shows up in Chattanooga. I want to be nobody I want to be a stranger PLEASE #I don't ever fucking know if leaving people be or not is the right choice BECAUSE I DON'T HELP I NEVER FUCKING. #I never help I am never useful or good enough for people don't you fucking understand why I want to do what I'm doing #trying to hurt myself and poison myself so FINALLY people don't have to deal with me because I'll be too sick to speak #being forced to do things and feeling like I HAVE to exist when all I feel is fear and have delusions and hallucinations #and fucking psychotic symptoms. I can't even go back to the ward because they didn't DO anything #I can never say JACK FUCKING SHIT. EVER. #if I say nothing then suddenly one day you hear about the time I relapsed or when I purposefully eat expired things to get myself sick #but if I DO say something then suddenly it feels like everyone feels obligated to say something and it makes me feel horrible and terrible #and like a bad person I can't I can't I can't I can't #...I guess at least. I have therapy tomorrow. I'm sorry if I'm hospitalized again. I'm so sorry. #not art #vent #tw selfharm #// selfharm #tw ???

[awesomehoggirl]

Here's a rant i have wanted to post since january. 😊 content warnings for this post i am going to be raving about how the nhs treats eating disorder patients. LOL

i am so grateful for the existence of the NHS and so grateful that my experience has actually been a GOOD experience as far as seeking help for mental health problems goes in this dam cuntry. but god this process has been fucking soul crushing and it scares me so bad because i got lucky and hung on and so many others cannot. i was lucky that when i went to my gp in january and did the scariest thing i could possibly imagine and ask for help for my anorexia, i was taken seriously - most likely because i am a young white woman who was already at a severely low weight and therefore fit the 'profile' for restrictive eating disorders. i was lucky to get accepted for treatment at a local outpatient clinic and lucky for it to only take four months to get my first therapy appointment (tomorrow, and actually exactly four months to the day since i first asked for help). and it hurts that four months is lucky because without a shadow of a doubt these four months have been the worst period of my life. worse than when i wasnt set on getting better and was fully lapsed in anorexia. worse because i was strung along waiting for each appointment date and was essentially instructed to 'stay put' - don't get more disordered, per se, but don't get better. worse because every appointment was incredibly triggering and would set me back so far and by the time i did get to the outpatient clinic i was medically unstable enough to be hospitalised (but wasn't). my body was fucking shutting down, and i am one of the lucky ones. every day was absolute fucking torture and i was a complete shell terrified of doing 'too well', getting dropped from the process, and being sent back to square one - more than i was afraid of the way things were getting worse.

and things didnt improve for me when i was admitted there. not that i was expecting them to wave a wand and cure my anorexia but essentially i was given a formal diagnosis, the minimum meal plan with the promise i would have one tailored for my needs asap (has still not appeared - it has been a month) and the promise of regular therapy (ditto) and more details on my treatment to come (ditto). things didnt even marginally improve until i went home for a month and basically let my parents take over and teach me how to take care of myself again. they didnt improve until i picked up books on the biological basics of anorexia and taught myself what the fuck i was even going through. i could have died from refeeding syndrome during the months i was waiting and i would have had no idea what was happening! it makes me insane to think i am one of the lucky ones.

how can a gp look at someone who is dying and tell them to keep doing the thing that is killing them until theyre off a waitlist? i swear to god if any of them had to walk a single day in the shoes of someone suffering anorexia we would have an entire system rehaul because it is actual living hell. and god i haven't even touched on inpatient facilities - i haven't experienced one but the countless stories i've heard from people i've talked to are enough. the idea that shoving meals at someone with a severe mental health problem and discharging them the minute they're 'weight restored' (which is such a wavy idea anyway, and nobody can decide what someone's healthy set point is apart from their own fucking body) is such an insane misunderstanding of the disorder it seems actually stupid. with no work to neurally rewire the fear response to food or body changes they are setting people up for relapse and then deem patients 'treatment resistant' when they do. if i went into the way they look at binge eating and treat patients at higher weights this post would be a million miles long i can't even start lol

when i was on the bus to one of the appointments i was googling the outpatient clinic id been referred to and found the case of a girl previously in her care who went to the same uni as me, did the same course as me, was the same age as me, and unfortunately passed in her dorm room due to complications of her disorder which were not flagged because of negligence. she 'seemed fine' one week and was gone the next. i sat there on the bus and didnt even cry because i was too exhausted and sick, but i've cried over her since. i just think people with eating disorders are so misunderstood and the treatment is so wrong and needs to be rehauled so badly. i'm angry for that girl who died across the street from the doctor's office where i sat and was told to stay put in my disorder, wait it out, wait for help which just doesn't seem like it's coming at this point.

if any positive has come from my drive to fight for myself has never been stronger. all i want in the world is to go to america in august and even if my family and gp don't believe i'll be well in time, i believe in myself. i am proud of myself and scared for myself and angry for myself. for all the awfulness i have grown so much as a person and learned a lot about myself. it feels surreal to post about anorexia on my blog because it is so deeply shameful to me and something i have struggled with on and off quietly for years, but i am going to fucking get out of this and go to america and have the most awesome time. also tomorrow i am going to have a pastry at a cafe with my mum and yes i am terrified but i am also excited because it will be yummy. fuck eating disorders and fuck ummmm waitlists or whatever

#tw ed #tw eating disorders

[selectivechaos]

tw: fire metaphor in second paragraph

trying to get better and alleviate my selective mutism is really fucking hard. because like i will feel like it's a lot better every time i'm around someone i can speak to. but then the second a new person comes into the conversation, i always feel that gut-wrenching disappointment and fear that things haven't changed, and it's not as easy to deal with this as i thought.

so i want to think of recovery differently. for all of my mental health issues. because i'm sick of every relapse feeling like a fall, and every act of selfcare or sense of self-worth feeling like a mountain. i don't want to stand above my pain and look back on it. i can't. every trigger is a reminder that i'm still very much in the burning embers, even if i escape the fire. these small reminders of a much larger fire always dance around me, and can ignite again. i can feel that bad again. i can be mute. i can socially withdraw, and cut myself off from everyone i'm close to. i can feel fear and shame and deep embarrassment at my very existence.

🌹to me recovery isn't being 'above it', away from it, removed, detached, fully 'better'. recovery is learning to create, and feel, and love again.

recovery is not the bulk of self-worth and self-care i build up over time; recovery is the ability to build and rebuild even when it crumbles. 🌹🌹

#partial recovery #trauma recovery #self compassion #sm tag #trauma tag #selective mutism #tw fire mention

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

i feel like the “no more drugs + booze” conviction will last for like one episode, before reuniting with stede and relapsing almost immediately because im pretty sure staying sober while your weird blonde ex follows you around is a trial not even jesus could withstand.

I'm gonna put what I think will happen up here and then I'm gonna put my drug takes under the cut.

To me it kinda seems like the scene where he's smoking weed might happen after the scene where he says no more drugs. Even if I'm wrong there OFMD is a comedy where Jack and Ed can just sorta drink on an empty stomach while they actively have hangovers and be completely fine so I don't imagine that line is the start of a preachy sobriety plot. No more booze probably just means Eds gonna take a break from drinking all day to try to drown his Stede thoughts rather than a total ban, and I do think a relapse could be funny in the context of the show frankly. Stede follows him around like a lost puppy and he's like fuck it. However

Honestly my preference for substance abuse arcs is quitting the drugs until you figure out what was going on in your life that made you want to escape from it with drugs so bad, sorting that shit out and then if you want to easing back into it to see if you can have a healthy relationship with substances when you're actually in a good mental place. I feel like if we had more media like that that twelve step type cults where you have to say that all your successes are the work of God and all your failures are your own fault would have less of a chokehold on the rehab industry and people would be less terrified of drugs and addicts wouldn't feel like one relapse is all their hard work down the drain. I just really think most addiction is caused by shitty life circumstance and not personal failing and it's a capitalist refusal to admit that there's anything wrong with the way we do things that keeps people blaming drugs and addictive personalities for addiction.

I don't think OFMD is the show to tackle that shit obviously it is a pirate rom com already doing heavy lifting on topics like race and class and masculinity. I just really hope it's not gonna be another one of those half baked "hes an alcoholic because his dad was an alcoholic and he can never drink again now or else he'll turn into Mr. Hyde" plots. That type of thing does exist irl but it's way overrepresented in media and I genuinely think that we need to give it a break

[mlmxreader]

Here's how I see it: Anyone can write the most disgusting thing they can think of. Make it as fucked up and illegal as their heart's content. But KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Don't post it on the fucking Internet.

Obviously I think people who write shit like this need serious help but if they really want to get off to their sick fantasies nobody is stopping them as long as they keep it private. There's absolutely no reason whatsoever why their nasty shit should ever be made public. If it's really a "coping mechanism for trauma" as some say it is (which I highly fucking doubt) you're still being able to vent your trauma without traumatising others.

I'm totally w you, tbh, I agree 100%.

I think a lot of what people tend to MISS is that, even if you're doing it TO COPE, there's not actually a genuine reason why it should ever see the light of day - you wouldn't post self harm injuries, or brag abt vomiting or something else. so why is this suddenly different?

and on that same wavelength, unhealthy coping mechanisms EXIST. and if a coping mechanism ISN'T healthy, then you are ONLY going to make yourself worse off. genuinely. I would know, I used to have some VERY unhealthy coping mechanisms and it did fuck me up in the long term, and I had to actually put in the work to BE better. and that's what these people AREN'T doing, if they're allegedly doing it to cope, they AREN'T putting in the footwork to BE better, they're only fucking themselves up further.

and on top of that, as you said, when you make it PUBLIC, you are exposing victims and survivors to that shit and you ARE going to retraumatise them, bc even KNOWING that accounts like that exist CAN be retraumatising for people. and it DOES trigger people, even if they never read it, just KNOWING that it exists in certain spaces (eg the "noncon" tag) can be triggering on its own. and it CAN cause people to relapse and to be worse off.

there is also the fact that by MAKING THESE THINGS sexualised on purpose (be it incest, pedophilia or rape), it's directly removing actual victims from the equation; it's removing their VERY REAL experiences and their very real triggers completely. bc these ghouls like to say "CARE ABOUT REAL VICTIMS!!!" until real victims actually come forward and speak about how retraumatising, triggering and disgusting these things are. it's "WELL WHAT ABOUT VICTIMS!!!" until victims say that making real abuse into pornography is disgusting and triggering.

bc the fact that they can't seem to grasp is that your victimhood is NOT an excuse for turning trauma into pornography. your victimhood does NOT negate you being a gross piece of shit. regardless.

and it's the fact that they DON'T actually care abt victims and survivors, either; I've had my experiences, my trauma, called into question by these cunts bc of the times I've spoken against rape porn - and it's the exact same rhetoric that was used to PREVENT me from speaking up in the first place when said trauma happened.

nobody gives a shit abt real victims until we're some "haha, gotcha!" for gross cunts who like to make porn.

and even THEN!!! EVEN THEN!!! if you told someone "oh, I get off to rape porn lol" irl, they'd punch your fucking lights out. 🤷🏻‍♂️

to wrap it up, we have the "coping mechanism" argument again, to which I say: if it's a coping mechanism for you, why are you making comments abt it like "omg this is SO hot!!", "I want him to rape me 😫", "I want to molest him SO BAD"? why are you making fucking disgusting comments like that if you're "coping"? 🤨🤨

#asks #anonymous

[crownedrottenthorns]

system emotions and thoughts. mourning stuff our trauma makes us be. dark-ish implications but nothing outright stated.

Tw/Cw: general talk of abuse, csa/sa vague/mentioned/implied, self harm/suicide

Venting and mostly just hoping we aren't alone.

Knowing how much of our experiences are not our own is terrifying. The ways we've acted for years finally having an explanation. Yes, we have general core overall beliefs, but it's the ones that aren't those that are scary.

The fact we have to remind ourselves while abuse is bad, why things are harmful, why other people aren't desensitized to things. It's frankly just...scary.

Imagine you have your core beliefs. Typical things like treat others well, don't hurt people, abuse is bad, the good of people, generic shit like that. And then you have alters and "thoughts" convincing otherwise. That when faced with triggering material, you wonder how it's even bad, you want it, you miss it, you get "jealous" and it's so out of line with everything the overall system believes. It's distressing, terrifying, and you hate that you have to go "Stop. Abuse is bad." Craving the abuse, craving abusers. So much so you feel incomplete. That you don't want the bad distressing alters to stop or the way you act to stop.

It's fucking terrifying having those thoughts. They are not us, they are not me. They are for our fucking abusers and they are a part of our system. It makes us angry, it makes us scared, it hurts us. That these thoughts exist, that someone wanted us to believe it so they could abuse us, that we are so stunted due to this. We believed they were intrusive thoughts for a while, but for us they are not. They are so fucking real and it genuinely makes us doubt how we think or believe. We are so easily manipulated. It makes us especially scared because of how vulnerable it makes us. That even being retraumatized, we might not hate it due to these parts of us. We don't use the term parts much and prefer alters, but these things? They're parts. Parts we don't want, parts we can't control, parts that terrify us. It is why we are so avoidant as well and paranoid. Because we cannot guarantee that if we were retraumatized, that we would even "hate" it during it. Not because it wasn't traumatizing, but because it was out of our control. That we might not fight back, that our trauma response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) may not even function as it would for other people. We are terrified of it. Which is why we avoid things, avoid people. We cannot trust anything. Most of all, we can't trust ourselves.

We cannot trust that we won't seek destructive behaviour, retraumatizing situations, our abusers (in this instance, the ones we don't know.) We cannot trust that we won't hurt ourselves, relapse, or even die because of these parts. They are not us or our main beliefs and goals. They are terrifying. They are harmful to us and work against us. And the scariest one is when we felt distress at the mere idea of getting rid of them. That it changed us to believe we never wanted them to go when we saw a post about systems healing.

I usually just find posts to reblog or like when dealing with distressing emotions, but this one? I just had to type it. Because it's scary. And it's even scarier we have to dance around it or even avoid talking about it out of intense fear and paranoia. I hate how much of our life is still controlled by an abuser or abusers that did this to us as children. That we are so heavily traumatized and hurting because of these abusive assholes when we were a fucking child and that we do not remember. The higher ups might like Unknown as well as those mean enforcer type ones from the abyss, but the majority of us alters and especially our fronters and host, do not. We do not remember the name or the face or anything. There is nothing except for the extreme distress, the leftover signs, the intense flashbacks that are wiped and taken so quickly by the controllers from the abyss that don't want us remembering.

Our mind and body are fucked up. And after years of living with this with no explanation and extreme fogginess, here we are. Finally able to slightly process it. And it hurts as the reality sinks in. It is scary and it hurts deeply. And we don't know how long we must live with this. We feel the aches and the grief of it all. We hurt. And the one thing we hope for is that someone understands and we aren't alone. Because we feel truly isolated in our feelings and experiences.

#blurry fronting #dissociation #system #did system #system rambles #system stuff #alters #vent #rant #system vent #emotions #trauma #traumatized #childhood trauma #dissociative system #sysblr #emotional vent

[nex-is-bored]

Journaling I guess

CN: transphobia, depression, dysphoria, SH, suicidal ideations, T*DOR, just bad vibes in general

I'm sleeping at my found family's place again. This time I didn't even have to akwardly ask, they just offered it when they saw me crying.

It's the second day in a row. I know they don't mind and even if they do a little I know they prefer it over being scared for me. That's why they offer it and why they always make triple sure to tell me having me sleep over shouldn't make me feel like baggage. It still does.

It was a pretty heavy day today. We had a meeting for organizing the T*DOR and I bascially cried the entire way through. It's just emotionally too much for me. I know we have to do it, but hearing them talk about phrasing and messaging when we're talking about 340 dead people, 340 murdered people who are representative of the thousands more who's stories will never get told, just broke something in me. I just can't stop thinking about the ending of Eden's suicide note:

"I wanted to be a leader for people like me, but that wasn't written to happen. I hope the world get's better for us. I hope our people get old. I hope we get to see our kids grow up to fight for us."

I wish I was getting better and moving on, but I'm just not. I am eternally thankful for having a community and a found family. Without this safety net, I'd most likely be dead by now. Still, I wish I could just exist without it. After starting HRT I was self-harm free for 6 months. But after that I relapsed again and again. The fact I now also frequently do it cause of sensory overload is not helping. Don't get me wrong, I am much, much better off than I was before HRT. I don't get suicidal urges every time I look in the mirror like I used to, but I still do a lot of the time. Getting better is not enough, if you start at a shitty enough point.

I am not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I just need it out of my system. Being trans* can mean incredible pride and joy at times. But it also means utter hopelesness, dysphoria and depression.

Things are getting rougher for us. The anti-trans* wave that started in the US and UK has the entire world in it's firm grip by now. German courts just struck down health insurance coverage for non-binary trans* people for at least the next 2 1/2 years a few weeks ago. Actually it might also be for binary trans* people, time will tell. I get stared at 24/7 when I'm outside and harassed so often I lost count. And my dysphoria is making it hard to leave the house at times.

I don't wanna say that all cis people have it easy, but if I had the same live I do, just being cis, my life would be so fucking easy. I am very priviledged in a lot of other ways. But still, that one fact about me, that I am trans*, means my life is so fucking complicated and hard I have to spend so much mental energy on convincing myself to continue that very little can be spent on anything else.

I am so fucking lucky to have the people in my life that I do. Without them I couldn't make it. So I'll be sleeping over at their place as many times as it takes while waiting and hoping things will get better.

#trans #non binary #journal #mental health #personal rant #queer #transgender #nonbinary

[justonefeather]

Idk if I can't get a job by the end of the month maybe I'll kill myself in April this is insane even the jobs I'm entirely qualified for people just don't even talk to me I've gotten ONE place to interview me and I've been applying places since November, and more seriously since end of December / early january. So many jobs it says HUNDREDS of people have applied and the ad is still up, but even the places that's only like 25-50, no response. I just feel so hopeless at this point, like I'm fucking trying, and there's just . Nobody cares lol the people who are in any position to help don't at least. I was hoping the career center people could help me get like job training but I'm not sure how likely that is after talking to him. And he said he'd reply within 2 days and he didn't. I'm so tired and I don't even have a therapist rn to talk to cause she doesn't take the state insurance and idk I want to relapse on sh so fucking bad like maybe if I hurt myself it will balance my existence so I'm allowed to have good things.. I probably am just fucking awful so the universe is punishing me for it, so if I punish myself then the world won't do it for me, I haven't been and I know I deserve it so maybe the best course of action really is to bleed it out. Idk

#🪶.exe

[desudog]

No because I'm tired of the constant

gaslighting." It's not that big of a deal." "Its your fault I keep relapsing" "you're just stupid and confused" "you don't understand yourself like I do" "you're so traumatized you can't tell when somethings not true. Don't worry. I'll fix you" "it doesn't matter if you didn't mean to, you're abusive to me" "it wasn't even that bad, I don't know why you're acting like this" "you probably want me to die" "yeah even if I don't agree with your existence and think you shouldn't exist, I swear it doesn't change how I see you" "it's your fault I had to lie to you" "if you were better I wouldn't have to hurt you" I fucking hate everyone. I can't talk to fucking anyone I can't trust anyone or give anyone chances. No more second chances no more first chances no more falling behind. If I was an artist maybe people would even listen to what I have to say as being strange but in an interesting way and not something to be stamped out at all costs. If I was enjoyable in a way that was listened to maybe I could be anything worth listening to. Maybe I don't want to be heard because I don't have anything more to say. You're not interesting if nobody's interested.

[tigressaofkanjis]

Rise of the Beasts: How To Make An Action Movie...But Not A Character Movie

I just watched this movie and I loved the concept, definitely the appearance of the Maximals but the pacing was...horrible. Arguably, they needed a bit more time to give some characters more interactions.

I think the most upsetting is that we have Arcee and Airazor and they were hyped up but then aren't leveled out correctly to the rest of the cast. Bay did Arcee dirty in Revenge of the Fallen. Like this is almost on parr with that though less so because Arcee had actual lines to boast but still. My god.

Wheeljack looks like that one nerd in a gym class that is smart but not in the common sense type. What happened between Bumblebee and this was a downgrade. Mirage was cool, Bumblebee was alright, Optimus Primal was...good...I say that with abnormality because that guy had something off about him and I can't place why. Unicron doesn't make sense in the film and the humans are tolerable until Noah donned a wacky CGI suit with abysmal shadow texture and everything up until that point kind of fell through the floor because that's all that I could think of the entire fucking remainder of his screentime.

I don't know. As a tribute to Beast Wars fans, it was excellent. Against everything else, someone didn't do their research how to manage characters and plot. It was kind of like watching Bay but with good writing...which isn't a huge improvement if half the roles of characters don't make any sense where most of the effort was put into the story but not how the characters work in the story. Definitely a relapse from Bumblebee. We got what we wanted but we lost a few things in the process but I know I can't speak for everyone but that's my two cents on it. I'm so conflicted about it more than anything because the Unicron plot I know was a staple in the story but with such a weird setup, it was horribly meshed.

I think what could have improved it was fleshing out the Transformers like no Transformers movie thus far has done...BY GETTING RID OF THE HUMANS AND FOCUSING ON THEM ONLY. No more Earth-based settings. Make the Transformers interact with each other only and have a great plot. Best Transformers movie that could exist. It's either the Transformers are used bad or the humans are used bad in these movies and it always fucking ruins it. Get rid of the humans, a far greater chance these movies can be excellent to even out everything, plot, character development, etc.

#transformers rise of the beasts #mirage #wheeljack #optimus prime #optimus primal #airazor #arcee #bumblebee

[whumpsical]

⭐️💙👁😭🧠

YOU’RE SO AMAZING!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

🥺😱😱💖 omg thank u!! This was so much fun to compile!

each of the snippets below the cut will have their own content warnings <33

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⭐ share a snippet where a character is the best at something

contents: trafficking/forced prostitution, mention of snuff, dissociating, internalized slut shaming, a hint of nsfwhump

Jian tried his best not to think about it anymore. If he stopped caring about what happened to his body, if he lost his mind enough, he could take a cock down his throat like he was still getting paid for it.

That was why Lucia was keeping him out of the snuff rooms, anyway. He had a pretty face and even prettier screams for the position, a fact that Lucia was happy to remind him of every time he was chosen to serve another violent but non-lethal client, how his skills in cocksucking made up for the one-time profit. As long as he kept it up.

He could do that. He could check out, let his eyes go blank and let Lucia's clients do what they wanted to him, work his dumb whore magic and swallow, keep them coming back for him, keep himself alive. As long as Lucia didn't expect him to show some kind of gratitude to her for holding him just above the chopping block.

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💙 share a snippet where a character falls out of love a little

contents: a drug/alcohol relapse fueled booty call, a whole stockholm/lima syndrome mess

this comes from an au with @yet-another-heathen where Garcia kept Jian as his pet <33

"...with your invitation? Believe me, if you wake up tomorrow morning and still have the mind to I would love nothing more in the world than to fuck you so good neither of us manage to get out of bed for days."

Jian set his frosty down and hugged his knee to his chest, bracing his foot on the rim of the empty Home Depot bucket.

He wasn't scared of Garcia. For some bizarre reason, he could trust him. Somewhere deep in the demented chemistry of his brain, he still knew he could trust him. That's why he'd called him. Not because he hoped he'd get whisked away to be held in indefinite captivity, but because he knew he wouldn't.

And right now, that realization made the thought of going back to him like this so wholly unappealing that he couldn't help but sniffle out a tiny, derisive laugh at his own expense. This whole stupid scheme of his was supposed to hurt. Garcia had said it himself, Jian was out here looking to take his punishment into his own hands.

Still, to have such bad taste in men that Garcia was off the list was an unexpected blow.

"I don't... I don't think I will."

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👁 share a snippet where the character is very visually engaged/a snippet with description

contents: Jian being drunk, back in his whoring era

Someone touched him from behind, shoving past. Someone else nearly knocked the cup from his protectively raised hand, but Jian just flowed with all the movement around him, swaying between and bumping into anonymous bodies who blinked in and out of existence along with the rhythm of the strobe lights. A girl in front of him, he couldn't remember what she'd just introduced herself as, but right now they were headed towards the back patio to meet one of her friends.

Jian liked her shoes. Tall studded platforms in lime green, their apparent hue shifting dramatically with the utra-saturated red and violet and blue lights that flooded the space. Each of the metal studs on the heel reflected every single little light that surrounded them, making the girl's shoes glitter and flash in Jian's eyes like disco balls.

He knew they had made it outside when the thrumming in his ears reached a pitch louder than the noise around them, and the girl's shoes only shimmered with the golden string lights that stretched across the patio.

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😭 share a snippet that will break our hearts

contents: trafficking/forced prostitution, discussion of death

"Chris is dead," Jian told Greta plainly, once both of them had been locked into their room early the next morning, hours before sunrise. Jian didn't feel anything saying it out loud. Maybe relief. He was too numb to really know.

Greta gave a wry chuckle and a nod, but her veil of sarcasm was moth-eaten and rotting. Even in the dark, Jian could see an emptiness in her eyes that must have matched his own.

"If... if I ever..." Jian stuttered and fell from his track. He averted his gaze, finding Greta's impassive, moonlit face unsettlingly lifeless. "Don't let me go like that, Greta. If I get sick, don't– don't let me die like that. Please."

For a long time, Greta didn't say anything, and Jian was already mentally fortifying himself to take on the task if it came down to it.

When she did speak, Greta's voice was unnaturally flat and quiet.

"That's a lot to ask. You'd do the same for me?"

"Yes," Jian said without hesitation, not knowing yet if he actually did have the courage to deliver on his end of the promise. But he knew he couldn't bear an ending like the one he'd just watched Chris endure.

"Okay," Greta agreed, and the two of them never said another word about it.

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🧠 share a snippet where the character realizes something important

contents: slavery in a historical fantasy setting, failed escape

another crossover with @yet-another-heathen!! this one's how my Morgo entered his Jackal universe <33

The creature approached them once more, and Morgo watched, paralyzed with overstimulation and aching from the heat, as the ifrit handed over a selection of raw emerald along with a small handful of gold coins. Morgo stopped breathing entirely. That was more than enough to--

No. NO. He was not fucking leaving with these demons. If he had one choice left to make in his life, he would choose how he fucking departed from it. He would prefer to perish in the open desert and be buried alone under whirling sands than spend his final few hours among these horrible creatures. Without any care for how savagely it shredded what skin remained on his wrists and neck, Morgo used his body to wrench the rope from beneath Ashok’s foot and sprinted off, making for the clearest horizon line he could find.

His feet never touched the sand. In less than a blink, the ifrit took him down with one huge hand and laid him flat to the fibers of the rug, forcing out a strangled moan from deep in Morgo’s gut.

#ask #eric #whump #whump ask game #whump snippet #nsfwhump #okay ahh okay character tag roundup time!! #sin squad #test tube toys #jian #Lucia #Greta #Garcia #Morgo #hehe some of these may also be selections from full chapters i may post in the near future #u didnt hear it from me tho

[number1villainstan]

On the stage, a little girl is being screamed at by a mother who refuses to understand the nature of an accident. Off the stage, two figures stand--one human, one not.

"Why must you show me this," the human says.

"Because," the not-human answers. "You have something to learn."

"I lived through it. What more could I learn?"

The not-human scoffs. "You lived through it, yes, but you hardly saw it clearly."

"What did I do to deserve this?" the human groans.

"How many times have you told your Expendables, Kai? It isn't about deserving." The not-human extends one of their many arms, points to the sobbing little girl on stage, her messy brown hair falling in front of her face and her knees as she curls up in an attempt to withstand the mother's rage. "Did that little girl deserve to be punished so harshly?"

"It was your fault. We destroyed an entire wall."

"I had come into consciousness as a new being mere seconds before. I had no memories. I knew nothing of the world. To reach out and to experiment is a universal instinct among the young; how was I to know that we would be punished so harshly for it? Neither of us were at fault for this."

Kai wraps its arms around itself. "Someone still had to be punished."

The not-human sighs. "Is punishment really so necessary? When an operation went sour because Nemoto's intel was wrong, did you punish him? When Tabe made a mistake because he couldn't fully understand your instructions, did you punish him? When Sakaki relapsed as he struggled to fight his addictions, did you punish him?"

Kai says nothing. Its silence is damning.

"But if you are so eager for punishment," the not-human says, unfolding several more of their arms and spreading them in gestures impossible to describe using normal human anatomy, "then let us watch something that is indisputably your fault."

The scene on stage changes, but not really. The little girl's hair is now white, longer than before, and there's a tiny horn on her head; instead of the trappings of a house the figures are now surrounded by concrete and machinery; instead of a mother it is now an uncle, a father-who-is-not-a-father. But still, the girl cries; but still, the father rages.

Kai shudders, draws itself away. "Overhaul. Please, god. Not this. Not after that."

"Overhaul is the name humans gave me, and the name you gave that horrible persona, the one you thought would save you. Call me Alchemy."

"Fucking--fine. Alchemy. Just make it stop."

"I can't do that. We may not have enough time."

"For what? So that you can torture me? Take out all of your hatred on me now that I'm defenseless and no one cares enough to try and snap me out of it?" It falls to his knees, fingernails digging into its upper arms, unwanted tears falling from its eyes.

"I would have every reason to, wouldn't I? You denied my sentience, my very existence, until I dragged you here and forced you to see me directly. But no, I don't hate you."

"Then why?"

"Because you will be stuck the way you are until you learn."

"It hurts."

"It's the surgeon's scalpel."

Kai sighs. "And there's no such thing as emotional anesthetic." It leans back, scrubs the tears off of its cheeks. "But what does deserving even matter? People in power will use any excuse to hurt those they hate. I--" it says, gesturing to the stage, "--am proof enough of that. You're proof of that."

"I just said I don't hate you."

"Forgive me for not believing you after all of this."

"'All of this,' as you put it, is to make you learn. As I said before. You will be stuck the way you are until you learn."

"What's so wrong with that?"

"You are miserable the way you are. Both of us are. Do you truly want to be static and stuck and miserable? For any period of time? To change is to live. To be static is to die."

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to die."

"Kai. For fuck's sake. What was the first law of the streets?"

Kai looks up at them. "To survive, first and foremost. But we're not on the streets."

"You weren't on the streets while you lived with the Hassaikai, but you still lived by that rule. Every living creature lives by that rule. Why should you be different?"

"Fucking--I don't know. Maybe the world would be better off with me dead."

"Who gives a shit about the world? Your Expendables wouldn't be better off, and you care about them more than you care about the world."

Kai is silent again.

Alchemy sighs, placing their hand on its head. The scene on stage changes again, really changes, from the little girl and the angry parent to a boy now, older, more experienced, sitting across a low table from an older man, with smile lines creasing the edges of his eyes even as sadness drags them down. The boy and man are talking, dancing on the edge of argument, digging through the weeds towards something they both need to say.

Kai frowns. "This never happened."

"It might have. Now hush," Alchemy says. "Watch. Study this. Learn from it. And change."

#using it/its for chisaki and they/them for the other #as an experiment and statement on the nature of humanity/personhood #chisaki kai #kai chisaki #writing #my writing #bnha overhaul #mha overhaul #sentient quirk overhaul #both overhaul the man and overhaul the quirk are just a *little* bit fucked up #just a lil bit #bnha chisaki #mha chisaki #shie hassakai #it's kinda funny actually. one of them says 'it's not about deserving' at the beginning but it actually kind of is #tw suicidality #tw child abuse #cw mental illness #tw suicidal thoughts #cw swearing #this has kind of a philosophical flavor to it #chisaki here is arguing for this depressing moral nihilism/the idea that people are fundamentally evil or corruptible so who cares #and alchemy is arguing against that #i don't think this piece is finished fully. alchemy hasn't really said their full piece here #but my juices for writing are running out #there's only so many hours i can write for straight without wanting to be done with whatever idea's possessed me at the moment

[thehorrorsoftheblackbunnymask]

if i died, nothing in my friend group would change. I feel like I'm just there. Like, if I died, nothing would change, nobody would care.

I got replaced by my best friend by another girl and even tho they haven't said that I already know I've been replaced. Everything has been so bad, nothing has been getting better.

I don't wanna write. I don't wanna draw. I don't wanna do anything. I just want to sleep all day and do nothing. The only thing I'm excited for is a trip I have where I might see my crush, but that's it.

I feel like I'm just a stand in. There are three girls in my friend group and I'm one of them. Both of them are really well liked and talkative with everyone else and then there's me. I'm not good with friends, or people in general. I never had a real friend for almost my entire life, and I don't know how to act or treat people or understand people since I'm emotionally underdeveloped.

I feel so replaceable.

I spend so much time looking in the mirror and I just see how ugly I am and I just want to hide away. I sometimes wish people liked me how all my other friends did but they just don't. I don't have many friends. Even in my second band, I only have a few friends. I hate how well liked my friends are and how I'm pretty much flat out ignored by everyone else.

I've been really considering relapsing because stuff is only getting worse, u know.

I mainly just want my best friend back. The past few months I've grown a deep hatred towards them. It's mainly the fact that they told me that no matter what we'll always be besties, but that was a fucking lie. Everyone I know has left me at some point. Sometimes I make my friends mad and I spend days thinking about it and I just hit myself over and over again even tho they already forgot about it.

Nobody in real life understands. Nobody understands me. I just want to end it all. I don't want to get bettee naymore. I don't have hope. I never will get hope, and that's just the truth. The one person I trusted broke that trust, and now I trust nobody. I'm close to crying just writing this stuff.

I hate one girl in my abdn because she makes this issue even worse. She ranks us out loud and she said I'm her third favorite out of the girls and she always praised and talks to people. But then she says that she hates me then laughs and says she was joking. Then she ignores me and shit. That shit fucks me up. I had nightmares of her making me break down into tears and nobody doing a thing.

I hate her so fucking much, I just want to drag her through the concrete.

These vents aren't helping me anymore. I just want someone to listen. Or at least acknowledge my existence.

[trkstrnd]

hiya. wanted to pop in after i read ur rant post, i hope that's ok.

i agree with what you've said, and personally for me, after i knew That had happened, what had kept me sane was that deep down, i knew carlos would never do this, it is so out of left field, and this is just a shitty plot point the writers pulled out their asses in the s4 writers room (if they kept insisting that they thought of this since s1, they're going to have to try harder, and even then, i'm not sure i would believe them.) for the sake of drama. they know having a wedding planning arc throughout this season doesn't make for good drama, so what do they do? add in this shitty plot to impede their wedding planning.

what really kills me is, in the process of this, it might have undermined carlos' entire character arc in the previous seasons. it really hurts. i don't hate him at all, i understand completely where he's coming from. what i hate is carlos' as a character (in canon at least) suffers as a direct result of the showrunner and writers' shitty plotting and writing (i think this post makes a damn good point of what i'm trying to say,) and i hate how there's nothing we can do in the face of this. i feel helpless, and it hurts to see them go down this route for the sake of 'good drama', whatever the hell they think it means. clearly the writers and the fandom as a whole have wildly different understanding of things, as clearly shown in the interviews they've done so far.

which is why, i'm willing to wait it out and see how this unfolds, even though from the snippets i've read re: the upcoming eps, i think it will piss me off and probably the fandom as a whole. at the end of the day, as the eps start airing and we slowly move past it, i think we can easily choose to take away whatever we want to from this arc, and shove the rest down in a deep, deep drawer where i personally would never revisit again.

it just really sucks for now bc we only have one ep of information to work with, and 5-6 more days to wait until the next ep. i really do appreciate posts of ppl reminding us of how they've handled previous bad arcs (tk relapsing, the breakup, gwyn's death, etc., you get the drill) that have turned out to be phenomenal in hindsight, and i'm clinging to this until the eps start airing, and we get a more coherent picture. until then, we only have each other to discuss and perhaps rant to, to try to make sense of it all.

sorry for the rant, and thank u for reading this all the way through. sending u love in the meantime, and i know we'll get through this with time.

anon i mean this with everything in my body and soul and heart.

you summed it up perfectly.

we know it’s a bad plot, and we know we will move past it, and i really think the thing that hurts the most is it does really taint their entire story so far, knowing he had this all along, but i am hoping and praying that we get more, better plot in the next few episodes, and hopefully we can shove this down and forget it ever existed.

the disconnect between these writers and the fandom is insane, though. that’s what’s getting me. it’s like tim genuinely likes making us upset. remember when his twitter handle was cancelledagain? it’s like he doesn’t care about his own show, and the real drama for him is watching us all react and hate him for the plots he pulls out of his ass.

it’s so out of left field, and it fucks with everything we’ve known so far, and that’s why i see a bunch of people giving up on this plot and show, because it feels like we have been lied to the past few years as well.

even though we haven’t. it wasn’t the truth until he sat down and wrote it in. it’s fucking dumb, and surviving on 43 minutes a week with a plot like this is exhausting.

thank you so much. please never hesitate to dm me, anon. this ask was so very appreciated.

#911 lone star #carlos reyes #tk strand #trick talks lone star #trick answers asks #trick loves their anons #ask #answer #asks #answers #answered #ls s4 #911ls #tarlos

[frecklystars]

I know how hard it is to wait for things to get better, when things have been so bad for so long that it feels like there's only one option left.

I don't know why it's so easy for all the negative in a person's life to outweigh the positive. I don't know how everyone else seems to manage just fine while we have to struggle so much just to not want to die. Fighting this much just to exist is so tiring.

I'm sad and angry on your behalf at how your coworkers and family treat you. It's easy to see the parallels in people I know. You deserve better.

I love seeing your art (it's so cute and sparkly and emotive) and seeing you gush about shows and characters you're passionate about. You're a lovely and fun person.

We barely interact, we're technically strangers, so I have no right to ask anything of you. But I get it. I hope you stay around a little longer. I'll miss you when you decide to go.

I didn't want to answer any messages for a while, and I'm still gonna wait for a bit, but I wanted to address this one in particular

I appreciate how you phrased this... 90% of the messages I get are "you're so selfish, people would miss you" "just get a different job" "just do xyz" "killing yourself wont solve your problems tho" ... telling me things I already know. As if I'm not already spending all this time trying to find different jobs, as if all of my problems will magically be solved... I talk a lot on this blog, but I don't share everything abt my life and there is just So Much More happening that weighs on me every single day, and I hate when ppl just assume that they know me from a few posts... ppl just don't fucking understand and it's so infuriating when they give responses like that, and that's the main reason why I tell people to not leave any comments directly onto my vent posts unless if it's just something like "feel better soon" because most of the time people are just trying to act like they know so much better

And yeah, you're right!!! It's so fucking exhausting!!! Fighting this feeling all the goddamn time, it uses up all of our energy. I hate it. People say "just solve your problems instead of ending your life, why would you put your energy into such an irreversible decision" but it's hard! Most people can just... do several tasks a day without getting tired but I can't even do one single thing everyday. Depression is so, so draining. It isn't fair. Suicidal thoughts are so much worse, especially during full suicidal episodes/meltdowns because it eats at you constantly and you can't think. A serious breakdown can last for days or weeks or even months. I haven't been in my right mind in over a week, I am not myself at work and so many people can tell. I'm relapsing into old habits I had three years ago when I first attempted. I'm giving away my stuff. I'm writing goodbye letters. I'm not looking when I cross the street at my workplace. I'm looking at my friends in the eye and studying their face as if it is going to be my very last time seeing them. And you don't know how to make it stop until the episode passes, and you never know when it plans on passing, you're always scared it's never going to pass at all, that you're stuck feeling this way forever. And people just keep telling you to suck it up, or that it gets worse so you have to learn how to deal with it, or that if you do xyz then it gets better -- but you can't do xyz and then you feel even worse than before because you feel like everyone else can accomplish things to survive in this world, but you can't. It fucking hurts and I'm sorry that you have to go through this too, it's literally the worst feeling I've ever had and I haven't felt it this intensely in years. It's so fucking heavy and it really sucks, but it's even harder when people don't give support. We have to fight just to survive and then ppl look at us and act as if we aren't even trying and it really. fucking. sucks.

This message, though. This one made me actually breathe a sigh of relief. I was waiting for the inevitable condescending comments but there weren't any. Feeling suicidal is so alienating and so many ppl who even study psychology just... don't get it, they always say the wrong thing because they just assume we're choosing to feel this way. But hearing from someone who understands helps me most of the time... "I'm sorry you're going through this" "that sucks" "it's gonna be okay" those kinds of phrases are helpful. It doesn't cure me or anything but it's the most soothing thing I can hear, all I rly need to feel more grounded into the moment, and from there I can try to pull myself out of a spiral. It takes awhile and it's really hard and it will still take me a few days... and it took me several hours just today to feel like I didn't want to die every second, to stop planning things at least for a half hour; 13 hours after waking up today it's now almost 3 in the morning and I finally got around to eating something and feeling sort of like a person after watching some cartoons. I won't be able to sleep but that's just how it is. But in this moment I am not crying and not writing my goodbyes and not packing my figurines into boxes. I am still so heavy and broken and hurting and my arm is still bleeding but I am not spiraling and that's enough for me right now

Thank you for empathizing. I don't know what I'm gonna end up doing, and obviously right now i am in a very bad mental headspace so I'm unable to really contact anyone in the moment, but... in the future, if you need someone, feel free to reach out to me. Even if we don't rly know each other, you can reach me via inbox and I can try to dm you if you're comfortable with it. I will give you supportive words and I will be as empathetic as I can be. because I get it.

Thank you for giving me your kind words, they really did help. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

#i honestly dont know what im gonna decide to do #leaning very much towards a harsh decision but im gonna try to get out of it #i want to get better no matter how hard it is i just want to get better #and im hoping that my one day off on may 20th will help a lot #getting to meet my fave voice actor and giving him my art #and then maybe that experience will make me feel better #or at least more motivated to stick around to try to fix things #anonymous #asks #keepsake #suicide mention #and hey seriously thank you #ive had so many unsupportive messages for *weeks* #it was just a fucking relief to read that someone understands #all someone needs to do is sit next to me and hug me and say 'hey that sucks' #and then i feel a little less hopeless

[andthebeanstalk]

Lonely. I hate being lonely. It is one of the saddest feelings in the world and there is so much shame attached to it. But I live in America in 2022, and lonely is the status quo for many of us.

I don't know anyone in this city except my partner, and we spent the entire last year since we moved here just barely surviving, which combined with a pandemic has put a damper on seeking out new friends.

(I am lucky in love because she is kind and good and adores me, and I adore her. Even when at her sickest, she was using the very last of her strength to be kind to me.)

But she and I both know people are supposed to interact with more than one other human on a regular basis.

I talk often with friends and family on the phone and it is probably the reason I am still relatively sane and I treasure those relationships. But fuck, I haven't heard a friend's voice in-person in months. I have a back porch and no buddies to sit on it with! I am hard-of-hearing and I want to hear someone in the fucking room with me and not over shitty cell phone connection!!! I wanna share a joint! Come on!!!!

I wish my girl and I hadn't been... well not forced but pushed, I guess - Pushed out of our home and our city. We ran out of money because we got too sick. And we had to move to a place where we had to go through the very worst of my girl's illness all alone because this is where we can afford to not stress about money.

And I am so angry at so many people and so many systems because it didn't have to BE this way. For so many reasons, it didn't have to be like this. Besides the obvious society-wide issues, my family and her family each had more than enough money to ensure we wouldn't have to move, but that wasn't an option and her illness wasn't viewed as the kind of thing that might be affected by a cross-country move away from all of our friends.

And now, since a huge turning point about a month ago, my girl is no longer a-knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door and it is AMAZING how fast she is improving in such a short time.

But I have enough hard-earned XP in trauma management to recognize that odd, creeping bittersweet feeling of finally being out of a horrifying situation (my wife slowly dying over the course of years) - of being out and realizing just how bad it was. Just how close you came. And there is this strange relief, joy. You are no longer being actively traumatized, yay! But also you now get to deal with the trauma! (Or you don't and you either get sicker, become Batman, or both. And hardly anyone becomes Batman.)

So I survived. Again. I'm good at that. I'm way harder to kill than I ever thought I was. Even if the world is more painful and deadly than I could have ever imagined. (It doesn't have to be this way.)

I'm smart and strong and sharp and skilled and soft all at once and between you me and anyone who will hear, I did amazing this year. I kept hope alive the entire time, and I kept the both of us alive too, and I even got better at art while doing it. I didn't relapse into self-harm, I studied my passion even as my disability got worse, and I saved someone's fucking life by being the one person they could trust to be there because we had been physically separated from our support group, and it was fucking grueling. We have been alone for more than a full year. And it wasn't just someone's life I saved. It was my someone.

And so I am proud of myself. (Even that is a sign of growth. 5 years ago, I could've cured cancer and still felt I was falling behind.)

I did amazing and so did my girl, but because my partner's illness was mental and not physical, half the people in my life can never understand what has happened to us here. I am aggressively proud of myself because I have to be. A lot of other people in my life don't seem to be able to see what we have accomplished here.

Terribly lonely feeling, that one. The idea that some people you love will never be able to grasp the most basic truths of your existence. Won't be able to see the thing you are most proud of in this world.

Even my sisters. Which is unthinkable to me. I don't know how long I will have to work to get them to understand that they weren't here when I needed them, and I'm furious.

And fury is just spicy grief. Or - if you wanted to not sound like Jason Mendoza from the Good Place - grief is the true name of fury. But I like Jason. And so I got like, mad tobasco-sauce type grief that makes me want to scream and breathe fire and cry and throw glass and bite things all at once.

It's just. I'm proud of how hard we worked. But we shouldn't have had to do it. The resources and people were there to make that difference, and I couldn't access them. And I was still luckier than 90% of other disabled Americans, and that was a direct result of mine and my partner's privilege.

Anyway, I still don't know anyone in this stupid fucking city and I am crippled and cranky and extremely sexy and it is 3am. I know I'm not going to be lonely forever. I will make sure of it. But right now... Right now, I am lonely.

#original #mental illness #self-harm referenced vaguely #diary #marijuana mention #hey if u have read this far i hope u can see how hard u have worked to survive this long #especially if u have a mental illness #i am proud of you even if that is all i can give you. even if it is a stranger who said it once on a tumblr tag. #everyone deserves to hear someone is proud of them. I'm proud of you. #i can't offer much more than that but if you want you can keep it in your pocket like a small pebble #there are few problems a small pebble can solve #but it is yours and you know you have it even if you forget completely where it was you got it from #I won't mind one bit. if you ever lose it you can call it back to you simple as wanting it back. metaphysical pebbles are like that ya know #it's yours even if you don't read the full post. small kindnesses are not meant to be conditional