#i don't wanna revamp them either bc it feels like losing and changing a part of who they are

[supercalifragilisticshit]

i am too, honestly. she acted like she didn't care but now she does, and it just... feels like a mess tbh. she always lords it over me. and since the roommate is gonna be a guy friend, she obv doesn't like it. she said she wasn't gonna sign the lease til i gave her a key and im like 🙄 greeeat thanks

...but... yeah. it's weird. barely got sleep bc of Snow, she kept waking me up. grandma is throwing a shitfit over everything i do essentially, bc it's gotta be her way or nothing. mm. i keep in touch with some, but with moving, mom and him are basically avoiding me now after what happened last week. we talk through text. no i love you's or anything, it hurts like hell after... everything i've tried to do, tried to be for her. tried to help. she doesn't want it. outside of the guy friend right now, being a fairly constant conversationalist, i... haven't really talked to anyone else. it's so sparse. last night, putting together the bunk bed after i dropped him back off where he was staying, i sat in my car and felt nauseated dread in the pit of my stomach ... my fear of abandonment is so strong that i feel i push people away inadvertently just to make myself prepared for it. i feel like an inconvenience bc of my mom. im at work rn sitting here about to cry bc i hate everything going on. it hurts so fucking much. im sorry you feel you're alone too. being alone with myself feels like the ultimate punishment... and i def feel that

...i know. it's gonna feel like there... isn't a normal after what once was. i feel veeery selfish bc i... really do want to reach out directly. i miss all of our talks and hanging out. you're still one of my best friends at heart. i just... don't want to hurt you more than i have. and i feel like that's what would happen. or... rather is happening, bc of... all of the indirect conversation. im sorry if even this hurts

im glad that's happening, i've wanted you out of there for a long time. hopefully since it's with your mom finally leaving, she'll really change for the better. i want you guys safe in the end, i want you in a place where it doesn't feel you're watching every word you say and what you do. i hope the application goes well for you

and good. do it. don't get roped into it bc that's what she wants. you essentially know what to do, you lived in a dorm before. an apartment is about the same, just a bit more responsibility. i think you'd be good if you did end up having to leave on your own after all. i know you got it in you

#of course i do #though it makes me miss what we used to have #i still feel like i controlled a lot of it though #im sorry if that was the case #i worry when i see something and heart it #bc i wanna show it #but idk how you'd react #i don't blame you though #do everything you want with them. they're yours to do with as you please #be it that world or not #but... i feel that #only one i've prob drawn in the past few months is Jonas weirdly enough #...he's a fucky comfort character bc he's a bastard and... despite that he's happy #i still have lost motivation to draw bc it feels weird to draw them without... being included in on them more i guess #i don't wanna abandon them #i don't wanna revamp them either bc it feels like losing and changing a part of who they are #but they're so inclusive to you that i feel like i can't touch them