#i don't know how many souls i have
love it when viddy gaem characters go “I promise I won’t die!” and then they cark it in the next scene
I Don’t Know How Many Souls I Have
by Fernando Pessoa
I don’t know how many souls I have.
I’ve changed at every moment.
I always feel like a stranger.
I’ve never seen or found myself.
From being so much, I have only soul.
A man who has soul has no calm.
A man who sees is just what he sees.
A man who feels is not who he is.
Attentive to what I am and see,
I become them and stop being I.
Each of my dreams and each desire
Belongs to whoever had it, not me.
I am my own landscape,
I watch myself journey--
Various, mobile, and alone.
Here where I am I can’t feel myself.
That’s why I read, as a stranger,
My being as if it were pages.
Not knowing what will come
And forgetting what has passed,
I note in the margin of my reading
What I thought I felt.
Rereading, I wonder: “Was that me?”
God knows, because he wrote it.
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iii. isabelle lightwood — she would have swallowed the sun to make you warm enough.
iii. isabelle & clary — show me your kings and i’ll show you the queens who will them.
iii. simon lewis — your heart and my heart are very old friends.
iii. foraevers ( simon lewis ) — i chose to be your friend‚ but falling in love was out of my control.
iii. simon & clary — we’re a package deal.
iii. jace lightwood — he was just a boy with the soul of angels‚ but the tortured soul of the devil.
iii. heignited — i could recognize him by touch alone.
iii. jace & clary — whatever souls are made of‚ his and mine are the same.
iii. jonathan morgenstern — he’s not a real boy‚ he’s a god wearing the skin of a mortal he killed.
iii. tessa gray — she feels ancient‚ as though she has lived many lives.
iii. andrea song — maybe some people are just meant to be in the same story.
iii. foraevers ( andy song ) — storm clouds may gather and stars may collide‚ but i love you until the end of time.
iii. andy & clary — you sat down next to me and i think i forgot how to breathe.
iii. isaac lahey — the stars would be so proud to know their atoms created someone like you.
iii. foraevers ( isaac lahey ) — please don’t become a stranger who’s laugh i could recognize anywhere.
iii. isaac & clary — my heart’s been borrowed‚ and yours has been bruised.
iii. alec lightwood — you do realize that monsters have hearts‚ don’t you?
iii. maia roberts — every girl has wolves pacing rhythms in her heart.
iii. jocelyn fray — there is bravery in being soft.
iii. valentine morgenstern — remove a king’s crown & he’s not a king‚ remove a king’s head and he’s not a threat.
iii. luke garroway — this life will make you howl in pain; the challenge? to make it a beautiful howl.
Ultimate Note | Can we talk about Pangzi and Xiaoge’s friendship because I think about it daily thx
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evil has invaded my heart so now i’m just vibing and thinking of what circumstances would bring notorious attention hater eun jiho to partake, nay, lead something like a host club. i think my best bet lies in tamaki’s very real divide between loving someone as a person (a “man” in his case) and performing the duties of a host -- he’s striving to make these women happy, going out of his way to do so, in fact, but he’s not really doing it as, like, himself (note that when he does bring himself or the club into the equation it’s often in supporting roles to the pursuit of someone else’s romantic/affective ambition). he’s not their friend, much less their lover. he’s a host, he’s playing a role. here the performance necessarily rescinds any (or most, depending) of the vulnerability that comes with exchanges like these, which in their natural (as in not artificial) form are meant to be taken seriously.
it provides, in many ways, a shield. it’s how, for example, hikaru and kaoru can put on that brothers’ love act of theirs and the under layers of truth in it--which performances need in order to ring, well, true to its audience--don’t threaten their inner, private dynamic, even as haruhi’s involvement is upsetting the pre-set balance of their relationship. and, beyond that, it also provides distance. there’s an audience to which you are performing, they are the ones consuming it, it technically exists for their benefit. in traditional settings, the performers and the audience are divided by the physical form of the stage, even if these boundaries are pushed nowadays to make a point. within the system of hosting, the boundary is not physical but it doesn’t mean it isn’t present and constantly being pressed upon.
now, thinking about jiho and the boys (and even ban yeoryung, who in this context would probably serve as haruhi), it doesn’t seem wildly out of the question that these aspects of the system would be seen as benefits. i still don’t think they’d be inclined towards it (rather isolation seems the knee-jerk reaction) but i could see it. and (the performing of) hosting also introduces something else, which in jiho’s case would perhaps make the most difference: control. they are all already constantly scrutinized and objectified. peoples’ fantasies can and will run wild, often in worrying directions, and if they’re not something you can do away with or hide from, wouldn’t the second best option be to control the way they go? turn them malleable in your hands, curbing the want of possession, putting a stop to the personal and turning it into commercial, offering a service, establishing end hours of this performance of my life that you insist on me reliving. so that i can go home and be myself there. so there’s an end to this thing. if you want a show, i’ll give it to you. but there’ll always be a curtain closing.
in that sense, i don’t think it’s too outlandish a notion.
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k so I just (like just) finished season 14 of spn and
what the fuck just happened
So uh, this is interesting I guess?
Gabriel Knight: The Beast Within Musings #7
BIG SPOILERS IN THIS ONE, HELLA BIG SPOILERS! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!
Time for me to delve more deeply into von Glower. Jane Jensen delivered one heck of a gut punch in the opening of The Beast Within, but you don't even realize it until you're several chapters into the game. We see a scared child, gazing out of a castle window while the crackling of burning fire, and voices echo in the background. His mother pulls him away from the window, and the game begins as his little face, awash with fear and confusion fades away. We have just seen the beginning of the end of von Glower's childhood.
I honestly don’t think the significance of the opening really hit me until the second time I played the game through. I mean, damn. What a thing for a kid to have to live through, and to show us, about the “villain”! Jane Jensen really didn’t pull any punches with this game, did she?
We don’t learn until later, when von Glower sends that letter to Gabriel, exactly how much of a nightmare his life has been. We don’t know if little Friederich knew about what was happening back then as he couldn’t have been any older than four or five, but we know that he and his mother were forced to flee Germany to escape being persecuted by the people who executed his father. The letter of inquiry that Grace finds in the church file was dated 1764, exactly fourteen years after his father’s execution. Most likely the lawyer sent this on behalf of the newly adult Friederich himself, in an effort to find out what had happened.
Can you imagine how he must have felt after receiving the response to this letter? I mean presumably his mother probably wouldn’t have told him the grim details about what happened to his father. Clearly Friederich was searching for answers. We know that the werewolf blood he inherited from his father didn’t start to affect him until he was twelve years old, right around puberty. How many years did he spend frightened and confused, not understanding what was happening to him, or what he was? How did he deal with learning that the curse he suffers from was given to him by his own father? That he’s been saddled with carrying the punishment of his father’s own misdeeds? That he is the son of a murderer and a rapist? It's just so damn… heavy. When you see the face of that innocent little kid, and you realize what's going to happen to him, that hits hard.
THIS is why I can't finish the game this time around. I just can't bear to kill von Glower in cold blood, knowing everything that his life has been. How unfair it is that he ever became a werewolf in the first place. How lonely he's been, how desperate for companionship. It feels wrong and unfair that he dies in a similarly horrific manner to his father. Klaus von Ralick chose to be a rapist and a murderer, von Glower didn't choose to be his son.
I suppose this is the story that Jane Jensen wanted to tell, with Gabriel as the light, and Friederich as the dark that Gabriel needs to escape to save his soul. Real life isn't as simple as black and white though, and I long to know how Gabriel's light may have affected Friederich, had Gabriel been given the chance to go to him.
hi! no pressure if you don't like this one, but maybe miranda barlow/james flint in an old guard AU, where they're immortal? (sorry i replied to the first post -- did that before i saw you'd fixed the askbox)
Miranda senses his approach before she ever sees him. It’s an instinct beyond ordinary sense, one with a few hundred years of practice, though she keeps her eyes trained on the Thames below her on Westminster Bridge. It’s a nice day – for London, that is – though the clouds are threatening to close again, and they’ll have to remove out of the inevitable rain. Her heart skips a beat. It’s been a while – decades – since they have seen each other. Somehow, foolishly, she always worries that this time, it won’t be enough. It won’t work. They will have forgotten how, forgotten each other. And after this loss –
She turns and looks at him, wearing a scruffy hoodie under his jean jacket, ginger ponytail blowing in the wind and a fresh cut on his cheek, hands shoved in his pockets as he awaits her approval: how many times has he come back to her like this, on the wrong end of a fight which he still cannot help but pick? Yet as ever, his presence goes through her to her feet, echoes in her bones. She musters up a tremulous smile. “James,” she says. “It’s good to see you.”
James Flint doesn’t answer immediately, but he nods. He moves into step next to her, green gaze flicking over her, taking her in. In comparison to his hobo chic, she’s immaculately turned out: ivory sweater and belted Michael Kors overcoat, pinstriped trousers and stiletto heels, successful philanthropist Miranda Barlow, who runs the Hamilton Foundation in the City. Their lives have been this way, ever changing, since the terrible day in 1715 when she was shot in Charlestown, died on Peter Ashe’s floor –
And then, somehow, impossibly, she didn’t. And neither did James. And in the end, Captain Flint became truly immortal after all.
They walk another five minutes until James says, very low, “Did he suffer?”
“He… no.” Miranda draws a deep breath, willing her voice not to shake. “It was – it was very peaceful. He wanted you to be there, you know. He – he never stopped.”
James’ breath hitches as he glances away, and he takes a moment to compose himself. Finally he says, “It was better for both of us. I didn’t want Thomas to see – to see me lose him.”
(They kept Thomas alive as long as they could. But even immortality, even if the three of them miraculously shared in it, does not last forever, and James, restless, wild, seagoing soul that he is, could not bear to watch it end. Not with Thomas. Not again. Even if he is at peace now, and it is, also again, just the two of them, and however many more centuries may come.)
Miranda comes to a halt, and turns to him. He still looks the same as ever, this man she has loved for lifetimes and lifetimes, sometimes together and sometimes apart, but always finding their way together again eventually. “James,” she says softly. “Do you recognize me?”
He looks at her at last, up and down, taking her in. At last, a wry, soft smile crosses his lips. “I do, my sweet,” he says, and holds out a hand. “Do you recognize me?”
“Always.” She reaches it, grips it, and lets him pull her in, into the shelter of his arms, and whatever future now faces them, over and over again, as he kisses her forehead and holds her close, and she feels their hearts beating together, in time, as they always will. “Let’s go home.”
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How do you feel about shopping centres? Do you have any nearby?
Well, even though it doesn't happen as much as you'd like, I'm still glad you enjoy yourself every now and then 🌻 Doesn't that make every chance you have even more precious and pleasant? And a hot shower for me, please (x Warm or — god forbid — cool water feels really uncomfortable for me, but spending too much time in a hot bath makes me dizzy and weak, like I'm going to faint. By the way, fun fact: I feel like that quite often, yet I've never actually passed out. Always balancing on the verge of consciousness and unconsciousness (x
Oh, I sleep on the big pillow only. The small one is there just so the other doesn't feel lonely; it usually lies between the big one and the wall. Not for usage but for company. That's how I explained it as a kid, and that's how I explain it now.
Well said! To be honest, that's a big part of the way I define love — accepting each other yet helping the other to get better and getting better yourself. So I'm especially grateful to have such a person in my life, and to be that person for her.
Then I'll make sure to share whatever I come up with as soon as it happens! For now I'm a bit confused by the fact that Broomie was created by Ink yet he isn’t able to create sentient living beings, if I'm not mistaken. Right now it feels like a dead end, but that's just right now. I know I can make it work, and I will! [* anfie is filled with determination]
It's not surprising at all, to be honest. Many people confuse pin yin (official romanization system for Chinese) with simple latin letters and pronounce it all wrong. And it's even worse in Russian, since spelling mistakes are everywhere as well. (Okay, I'm rambling, I need to stop (x) I mean, I'll never ever give this type of scenes from this author a chance anymore, but all the other things are just as amazing as they were. It's so very worth it. And how I found it is a good question, because I don't remember (x Perhaps it was anime adaptation first; then it was on-going and it is likely I didn't want to wait and went to read the original novel... But I'm really not sure.
Again, best of luck with the diploma! I'm rooting for you every day, and without a doubt I believe in you!
The poem is far from finished, but I do like the changes I made. Poems are a special matter for me, I write those only when the words come from my heart and soul, when it hurts to stay silent. Sometimes it's like that with prose as well, but more often than not it's quite different. With poems there is never any rush. Anyway, I'm glad you're excited about this one, thanks for that, and for letting me ramble about the process 💖 Could you maybe share something about yours? Anything at all, I don't know much about drawing, digital or traditional, I'd just like to listen to you talk about something you love.
Take care! *hugs*
Oh I'm indifferent to them, there's one nearby but I go there mainly to a cafe or to the cinema, though I used to love to spend hours there trying on clothes x) How do you feel about them? ☆
It does indeed (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) Same here, but please, be careful with hot baths lest the balance's upset, god forbid (ó3ò)
"So the other doesn't feel lonely" is such a sweet excuse for the second one! <3 It reminds me a childish attention to toys we all used to have, when you want to take everyone so as not to deprive or offend anyone (〃ω〃) As well as "not for usage but for company", so true!
Hmm, that's a good point indeed (ò_óˇ) Was Broomie created by Ink himself? (I hardly remember his story) Well, at least you can rely on the fact that Brommie's more or less alive since he (/they? :0) can move, react and express emotions ☆ Yay determination! (òwó)
Oh you're not rambling at all! I didn't even know such details about Chinese (・∀・) Is the anime adaptation better or worse than the novel?
And thank you very-very much for your support! It does mean a lot to me ♡
Woah,,, Isn't poetry more like the opposite, inspiration, either in happiness or in pain, when the first words and lines come to mind by themselves, and then the work begins? How does it feel and work for you? *^* Cause that's how it is with the drawing, when the picture comes to life in the head, so clearly your hands just follow. But sometimes it's not that obvious, and you carry this fog for a long time until your hands find the answer themselves... Guess it turned out pretty vaguely xd but thank you for listening! <3
Take care ♡ *hugs*
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i just want to tell you that i admire you very much both as a writer and as a person. i love that you always bring positivity on your blog even if you get some rude asks. so let me just say a few things
1. to anons: please try to spread joy and love. life is quite difficult, especially at this time when everyone's health (or even life) is constantly endangered. outside of tumblr people really have their own lives. they struggle with problems of all kinds. you have no clue how sensitive and in pain a person can be. empathize more with the people around you. sometimes a nice message can make the day more beautiful for some people and it can bring a warm smile on that person's face. you don't know how much simple words can affect someone. i always stay awake at night and think about what people often tell me. (more bad things :/). please be kind!!
"if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all"
2. constructive criticism: this is a sensitive topic. um when you know that someone is quite insecure about their skills, but they have the courage to create and post something. i beg you, don't go and judge them ... at least not like that. constructive criticism can destroy self-confidence. ( it happens in my case sometimes). if you've read a few books you've probably noticed that authors choose to express themselves differently ... because they're different. each has a style. just putting a disclaimer at the beginning with "please don't be upset" doesn't help at all. choose the words more correctly and nicely and if you really want to help that person ... send them a private message with some ideas, have a conversation, tell your opinion honestly and suggest some new approaches. let's think a little more before taking action!
3. to nice tumblr users: thank you for spreading beautiful things. this greatly reflects a bright and warm part of your soul. i want to hug you all. even if the messages are for me, just seeing someone compliment other person or express their gratitude means a lot to me. i put a lot of emphasis on the small details. such a gesture cannot be forgotten ... at least not by me. >.<
4. to my dear hads: thank you for reading the messages i send you from time to time. i know i seem a little pathetic at times, but only when i see that i have a notification from you, i smile. you are like an angel. i'm sorry i bothered you during your break and please tell me if i'm boring or annoying (istg i'm not that dramatic in real life but i do really have low self-esteem). thank you again for all! + ps: i still feel bad for messing with you name. sorry again :(
that's all i guess...i takes a lot to read anyways. thanks for reading my ask. have a nice day everyone. (if you see this)
my beautiful vaevae 🌷 i hope you’re doing well 💛
i love you so much :(( you’re too sweet! everything you have addressed i agree with! it’s always best and safe to be kind to the people around you and those online. not only because we don’t know what the other is going through, but also because being kind towards other people will simply result in you feeling better about yourself! no one ever knows how much any individual is truly hurting. we could be messaging or hanging around with someone who is so utterly broken, so being kind is something which should be imperative! because a small act of kindness could be the reason someone actually smiles that day.
and i also agree! there are many ways to express your thoughts regarding something you like or dislike. i personally prefer the term “feedback” !! i just feel it’s so much nicer & makes the person at the receiving end feel a lot better. since releasing slow motion, whenever i see it- all the nerves come rushing back to me! it’s a pretty daunting experience; sharing a part of yourself with other people. so let’s be respectful of that too☺️i always like to see it as, if i do something mean to someone? imagine being in their shoes & at the receiving end- it’d hurt so bad! so let’s try to avoid that. in a world full of pessimism, let’s spread positivity like the boys would want us to 🤍
there are so many beautiful human beings on this app & i’m so glad to come across you ! people like you vaevae !! you’re truly have such a pretty soul 🥺💕
ahhh thank you!!! for writing this!!! i don’t even deserve your kindness :(( you do NOT seem pathetic to me at all !!! you’re an incredibly gorgeous human being and i’m so lucky to have met you! seeing you in my inbox brings me so much joy🥰 and don’t ever be sorry, because you’ll never be a bother or boring, dramatic & annoying! those words don’t exist in my dictionary !!! :) you’re an amazing person & i hope that as time goes on, i am able to make you realise how wonderful you are !!
i hope you have a nice weekend my love & take care ♥️
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What is life if you can't make the most of it?
What is love if you can't get a hold of it?
What's a smile if you're not really happy?
Wake up everyday with a frown feeling crappy
Tell me what is laughter when you just want to cry
And life is a disaster and you just want to die
Nobody understands how you feel deep inside
But you got to stay strong with your head held high
I got so many questions
Yeah, why is life such a bitch when you least expect it?
And how does everybody have it all figured out?
As I sit and pout, this shits so depressing
Fuck, I'm so emotional
I guess these are the thoughts of a broken soul
With a broken heart, outspoken mind
I'm trying to find who I am on this path of mine
But I don't know, I don't know
It's been a long time since I felt like myself
I might as well grab the nine and take the safety off
And let the bullet pierce right through my scalp
Shit, I need help
Shit, I need help
Shit, I need help
I don't really know who the fuck I can turn to
I try to take my time and listen to advice
See, I was told patience is a virtue
But I'm sick and tired of being sick of life
Fuck tomorrow, I want to die tonight
Fuck the future, fuck the present
Fuck the drama
Yo, fuck the stressing
Fuck the judgments, fuck assumptions
Fuck the ones who made me feel like nothing
Fuck 'em all, yo I'm done talking
Stay the fuck away when I'm inside my coffin
Starting again at 39?
Having children from a previous marriage, all of which are pretty much grown up, I thought my baby-making days were over.
However, when you meet that one person who you know is the other half of your soul but he has no children and would love nothing more than to become a Dad, you consider the alternative. Or at least I did.
So many conversations were had before we agreed to start trying for a baby. Yes, I'm scared. The prospect of having to go through that pain and bring up another child scares me to death. What if I'm too old? What if I can't even get pregnant? After all, early menopause is a thing and I'm sure I had a hot flush the other day.
Anyway, bottom line is... we're trying for a baby! I am more excited than scared now as we've had a few months trial run.
I don't know how people who have been trying for years do it. Hats off to you! But I believe that what's meant to be will be and it will happen when the time is right.
Staying positive is a must (because stress is no good for baby-making).
How would sunshine steve react if you tried to run away?
This is interesting. So I don't think this Reader would ever run away, BUT IF SHE DID...
18+. soft!dark Steve (but references to hella dark Steve). References to kidnapping and captivity. References to dubcon.
Steve paced around his office, blood pounding in his ears, veins bulging at his temples.
He'd scoured the entire manor and you nor Sunny could be found.
You'd been smart enough to avoid most of the security cameras but missed a hidden one in the garden, where you'd escaped from.
He watched you as you disappeared into the trees that surrounded the manor, Sunny cradled closely to your chest. She was nearly two, and he knew you couldn't carry her the entire way. She was too heavy; so you couldn't have gone far.
He couldn't help but smirk.
Oh, he was furious, but he couldn't blame you. He'd wondered if you actually forgot what he'd done to you or if you simply chose to ignore it.
He had eyes all around the city and it was only a matter of days before you were spotted at a pawn shop, selling some jewelery he'd given you, including your wedding ring. That hurt him the most.
You were out getting food so he waited at the small extended stay hotel you were residing in.
When you walked inside, a bag in one hand, Sunny's hand in another as she trotted alongside you, your face dropped, eyes watering.
Sunny let go of your hand and ran towards him squealing "dada!" and he happily picked her up.
"I have to say, that was rather bold of you," he murmured calmly, nuzzling Sunny's head while she hugged him.
"Steve... I..." You didn't know what to say, especially since he was holding Sunny. You didn't think he'd hurt her. But you didn't want to take any risks.
You backed up against the door when he walked towards you, and you noticed the pained look in his eyes when you did so.
He wrapped his free arm around you, holding you close, and you stood there stiffly in his embrace.
"I'm not going to hurt you," he whispered into your hair. "But you cannot leave me. There's nowhere you could go I wouldn't find you."
You nodded, knowing he was right. He owned most of New York. You didn't know who you could trust, and though he wouldn't hurt you, he'd easily hurt anyone who helped you. It's why you didn't ask for help.
Hesitantly, you wrapped your arms around his waist and he sighed, "good girl. Let's go home."
Steve never yelled at you, never punished you, but he did tighten security.
He replaced your old wedding ring with a new one, a platinum band with a dazzling pear cut diamond surrounded by small sapphires.
He only gave you one rule: you couldn't take it off. He put a tracker in it, and if it left your finger, he'd be notified.
Later that night, he'd held you close to him, your naked body pressed against his, your core newly sore from him "reminding" you who you belonged to.
"I love you," he whispered. "But this is for your own good. Sunny's too. It's too dangerous out there. I have too many enemies."
You could hear the sorrow in his voice, but it didn't lessen the anguish in your soul.
"I know," you murmured, hugging him closer, causing him to sigh. You had so few choices so you did what you'd learned made your life easier. You denied reality, and as you closed your eyes, you pretended you were happy. That this was a choice.
"I love you too," you said.
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You were baited and fooled by Bardugo. How did she do that exactly? I want to hear the rant you probably have for it
There is no rant,I've gotten past it at this point. Shadow and Bone was marketed as an enemies to lovers story and we all know how that ended. If Leigh wanted us to NOT ship Darklina and root for the friends to lovers fighting for the greater good and defeating evil,I wouldn't have said anything. I don't think many people would ship Darklina if that was the case. But it's not. Yes,yk what,there is a rant.
And not just Leigh,many authors know that ETL arc is widely popular and loved so they start off their books or market them as ETL to grab the attention of the vast majority of its lovers,but it ends up being either friends to lovers or something entirely different. If she didn't want us to ship it,maybe she shouldn't have baited us? Why would you use "a dark heart,a pure soul,a love that will last forever" as a tag line when you plan on ending that ship and completely changing it? Maybe try promoting your actual hero and ship if you want the readers to NOT ship the wrong couple? Why would you talk about The Darkling and NOT about Malyen if he's the actual love interest,the good guy,the hero?
Leigh Bardugo hates The Darkling,hates us for liking him and has mentioned in KoS how we're a cult of crazy people for liking Aleksander. If she didn't want us to like him then maybe she shouldn't have written him as someone with ACTUAL motives while th good guys are fighting only because it's The Right Thing ™ to do while doing NOTHING about the actual problem and fucking off into the sunset to fulfill cottagecore dreams?
Picking sides in YOUR OWN fandom is the worst,most immature thing you can do. She recently opened up about how The Darkling embodies her abusive ex. Therefore,Darklina is abusive and we're abuse apologists for shipping it. Let me remind you that Bardugo herself forgets that Darklina isn't the main relationship,Malina is. And Malina is the exact kind of toxic relationship you find in real life. Malyen embodies toxic masculinity. So maybe while trying to make Darklina toxic,she forgot she was making Malina toxic too? It's not a competition for less or more,if you're abusive,you're abusive. Less or more doesn't matter,there's no better alternative of being abused. If she wanted us to believe that Alina is a strong,fierce and independent woman who makes her own decisions and doesn't need anyone, if she really wanted us young girls who are stupid and naive to never let a man hold us back then letting Alina end up alone would be the best thing she could do. Because neither of those men deserved Alina.
She has openly called Darkling stans disturbed and said that she wrote him as a lesson for younger girls to not excuse evil men just because they have slick hair and sharp jawline haha. I shouldn't be angry at her for shoving a FTL down my throat when she advertised a Light/Dark romance because she it did for ME so a hot and evil and charismatic man doesn't end up taking advantage of the stupid and naive girl I am. I should thank her for teaching me that I'm a young and dumb girl ready to be taken advantage of by evil, hot,dark, centuries old shadow summoners. Too bad I haven't found one yet:/
Look at these pictures and tell me where the fuck did she talk about her main,endgame ship and tell me if this isn't bait or not.
But no,I'm an absolute fool. A villain romanticizer. An abuse apologist. A pedophile and war criminal enabler in her eyes. I'm someone who hasn't been through anything traumatic in my entire life according to the antis when it's actually LB and them who can't differentiate between fiction and reality. It's LB who is one of the antis and shames fans of her own characters.
So yes,she is a baiter. She did fool us. And she keeps on dragging Aleksander's bloody corpse through the mud to milk money because she knows that alot of people in the GV fandom love him and expected a redemption arc for him. She uses him time and time again to hurt us. She's always treated Darkling Stans like shit. Always tried to make us feel wrong or morally corrupt for liking him. Tell me,how am I supposed to like this behaviour and why exactly should I respect someone who shames me for liking something that doesn't exist?
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Too Little Time: Spencer Reid
Summary: The reader is facing death because of an uncaught unsub and Spencer is the only person who can come to her aid. Spencer never liked her, but watching her die brings out a lot of things he never said.
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Warnings/Includes: reader death, blood, sadness, angst, confession
A/N: The saddest shit you'll read today. Read with the song YKWIM by Yot Club on repeat for ULTIMATE SADNESS
Like fire through your body and soul, the pain ripped from your side like a tide flowing onto a beach, reaching out to the tips of your fingers and bouncing back again. You gasped, hands flying to where it hurt the most. White-hot, blinding pain searing through you, you stumbled backward into the wall.
The unsub got away. He was getting away, he ran west. It was only a matter of seconds until Derek Morgan busted into the room. You pointed West, but he didn't run. He was looking at you with a decision in his eyes.
"Run, Morgan!" You yelled, pain ripping through you again. Derek shut his eyes tight, then sprinted away. You pressed your hands to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding desperately.
The next in through the warehouse door was Spencer Reid. Of all people, it was Spencer Reid. Shock crossed his face and he immediately called for help both manually and through his wire before kneeling down next to you.
Spencer never really liked you. From the moment you joined the BAU, he had been cold and odd with you. He avoided working with you and you thought maybe it was because you two were so close in age and he felt like maybe it wasn't so special he was so young anymore. Or maybe it was because you might have said or done something wrong by accident and he never forgave you, no matter how many times you or any other member tried fixing it.
Despite him being cold, you had always liked him. His mannerisms, his rambles, him in general. He never cared for you, but that was alright. You could live with it.
So now your life was pretty much about to end with him next to you. He knelt down and took off his jacket. You were pretty sure this was everything coming together in an ironic ending. He saw the wound in your side and knew that his jacket wouldn't help, so he pressed his hands on it. Once again, pain like fire and ice hit and you bit your lip to stop from screaming.
"You'll- you'll be fine," he said quietly. "I called for help, how much does it hurt on a scale of one to ten?"
"Eleven," you sighed. There was no real point in anything now that you were on the edge of the end. No relationships, no friends outside of work, no children. "Just let me go, I'm done with all this."
Your vision was blurring and spotted, but you saw Spencer shake his head. "Please don't. You have to stay alive, you have to-to-to make it." He sounded panicked, but Spencer was still human, whether or not he liked you. You could hardly feel anything, but you could feel the violent shake of his fingers. "Think about Penelope and- and Emily. Don't leave them, please. Don't leave the team, don't- don't leave us."
"You won't have to work so hard to hate me, Reid." You tried to laugh but it hurt too much. It came out as one chuckle and a sharp intake of breath. "I won't be there to bother you anymore."
This stung him badly. You were lucky you were losing sight because the pain on his face would have added to yours. Perhaps, maybe in some other life, you could have gotten along. Maybe in the next, once you passed. "I-I-I- no, that's not what I want-" Spencer said, words stumbling over each other. You just smiled. "No! That's not- you don't need to die, I was... I was going to fix things, I-I-I was, just stay alive, please!" His voice cracked every few words.
Fix what? Fix his hatred for me? "You don't need to fix this, okay? I'm sorry for whatever I did and I just want you to know I don't resent you for it. We all have people we-" you coughed up blood and the panic rose again. "Spencer, I have to go this way. It's so much easier, just... let me go."
"No!" He said, words exasperated now. "How do I- if I never get to- don't... please don't go yet." He was crying. You could hear it. "Everyone needs you."
You took one of Spencer's hands off of your wound, both of your hands covered in blood and you held it with as much force as you could muster. "I need you to tell these things to the team, please, okay?"
"You're n-not dying!" Spencer was nearly shouting and his head swivelled for the medics who were supposed to save you. "I won't... please just listen to me-"
"You listen to me!" You wheezed, voice lowering back into a whisper. "I need you to tell Penelope that she's my best friend and that I love her so so much and-and-" you coughed up blood again, spitting it to the side. "Tell Emily that she's the strongest most powerful woman I know and that I love her too. And tell Derek that it's not his fault and that he needs to keep fighting. T-tell JJ to keep Henry growing strong and that I love her too. Tell Hotch and Rossi that it was an honour to know them..." You could feel yourself finally, properly slipping into the abyss. He squeezed your hand right back.
"Please," was all Spencer could seem to muster.
"And tell Dr. Spencer Reid that he is the smartest person I've ever known and I've always found him incredibly talented at all that he does. Please tell him that even with avoidance and a cold shoulder I still loved him just as much as any of the other team members." You fought to open your eyes again and when you did, you could hardly see him.
"I was too scared to tell you it all, I was a coward, I'm so sorry..." He sobbed. Your fingers slid between his. Just for a moment, you could enjoy his pity.
You couldn't shake your head when you tried. "You are the farthest from being a coward, Spencer. I'm not trying to make this like a movie scene, I'm trying to let you know that you-" Slipping further... "You aren't a coward and I forgive you and I'm sorry."
"No, I-I-I am because-" his tone went from soft and sad, to angry. This anger was within himself. His cracks went away for a split second as he yelled at himself, words you'd never thought you'd hear, not even at the end. "Because I was in love with you and I was scared to go- to go- near that aspect of my life at all. Cowardice, it's cowardice."
You couldn't even speak. It was the worst and best possible time for confession. The right person, but too little time. Hardly any time at all. The sand continued to slip the pinch of the hourglass. "You'll be alright, Spencer."
"No..." he whispered. You wouldn't tell him how you had felt. You would stick with generalizing your love for the team with him, rather than dying after telling him that you loved him the most. Despite it all and despite the ending to it all, you wouldn't tell him you loved him the most because that would fester within him and eat him alive. You wished he didn't have an eidetic memory. You wished he wouldn't play your death over and over after you were gone. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just hold on longer..."
Your next words were close to being your last as your eyes fluttered shut again. "I can't." Spencer's breathing hitched, then picked up. He couldn't move you, he couldn't leave you, he couldn't save you. It was time to go, so you choked out your last words. "Please don't let them forget me-" You coughed again. "And know that you shouldn't miss me and be happy. Leave the missing up to me."
He squeezed your hand as you were thickened with a feeling like going to sleep with a stomach ache. You were going, finally, after it all. The medics were too slow, the terrain was too uneven to get a team to run. You wished while you slipped into the dark, that the last sounds wouldn't have been Spencer's broken sobs.
Tags: @mercy-burning, @laurakirsten0502, @ellyhotchner
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ok so big thought time, feel free to scroll cuz this prolly wont make any sense, but here goes:
i have dealt with more than my fair share of loss, probably more than most people will experience in a lifetime, and from this, i have come to realise that grief is not always sad. to me, personally, death is a celebration of the departed's life. many of the people i have lost, i lost through suicide, and i think that death is sadder when it is suicide, so i celebrate the time they had on earth and let go of the life they could have had, because the earth has claimed them and they are back home, with the dirt and the trees and the wind, where we all will end up one day. we can laugh about the person they were, and love them all the harder now that they are gone, and miss them so terribly that it feels as though i am going to die myself, but still i will ink their name on my skin and when it fades i can begin to let the sadness go, and then i can start to celebrate them. i think it's better than the 'i'll see you in heaven someday' narrative,, at least in my opinion, because personally, i don't think i'll be in heaven- if it does exist- but i do know for a fact that our bones will return to the earth and our souls will run in the wind, entangled and entwined. the way i see death, is there is no test of greatness, of how good of a person you were that you have too pass, because sometimes being good and great is simply not possible. death is death, and mother earth is the end all be all for our mortal bodies, and i will treat it as such. death is not a happy thing, no, especially not suicide, but why must it be so sad? is it not enough to say 'i have loved this person deeply', and then mourn them through celebration? yes, sometimes we cry into our pillows at night, or break down on the train, but that is in human nature... is it not enough to have lost someone? why be sad, why apologise for your emotions when you can laugh and dance and sing with happiness in your heart, because you have accepted their death and can now carry it around like a stone in your pocket, ever present, but easily forgettable. and yes, sometimes we will reach into our pockets and realise that it is still there, and that overwhelming sadness will hit us again, but then we can laugh because we know that even though they are gone from us, they would want us to be happy, they would want us to smile? and are everywhere, they never shall leave us, for their bones are in the ground we tread, their laugher is in the wind, and though they are physically gone from us, they always will stay in memories and love...
idk if that made sense,, and maybe it's just my religious trauma talking, but yeah,, death.
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thoughts as i watched Reimagined: A Day in the Life of a Golden Ninja (in chronological order) [if you haven't watched it yet, then you should!] here it is:
oOoo the old cartoon style yes i like and soundtrack is cute!
hey i don't recognize that voice... who's narrating?
aww little kai on the bedstand
oh, pink! love the reference to the pink ninja
ohhhh interactive narrator, nice
"gi" with a hard g, huh well i've always wanted to know how to pronounce it, i guess
i predict that the narrator tries to help and things go terribly wrong; never trust the narrator, kids
oo samurai X armor and OH cute lego bricks
why are they showering together- hey that dragon doesn't need a hair cap
air freshener and deodorant is important when you work out: a PSA that i wish american middle, high, and college kids listened to
ae this sounds like one of those old mini filler cartoons that was just there to sneak in and teach kids morals; giving me sweet late 2000s cartoon nostalgia
yes reading a newspaper is good
is the narrator... salty Wu?
aww cute it's koi; aW HAPPY KOI; they're like sea lions
AH the angular lines on the overgrown weeds and the art style that's reminiscint of those comics that were filled in with watercolors after the lines were drawn
YEAH WEEDING IS HARD
heh golden ninja butt
i, too, pick up buildings and shove ash beneath them; how relatable
it really does sound like a parent using "rp as your favorite character" time to get their kid to actually do what they say
btw the pill body style is cute, have i mentioned that?
oH pink washing gloves! again with the Zane reference
woAH the dragon looks like Swmapy from Where's My Water?; am i crazy or am i the only one seeing clearly
MOM I JUST WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY; NINJAS DON'T DO DISHES
"be careful in there, little friend!" lol
love the shuriken in the outhouse wall
actually, that's one fancy-ass outhouse; that's one interpretation of the word throne, for sure
nunchucks behind the fridge! dragon drawings on the side of the fridge!
dragon eating the trash can is me when i have ten minutes for lunch and there's nothing in the fridge
ooo there's sai in the background, thank you TMNT 2012
Jesus Christ that's a lot of yin yangs; bro as an east asian myself that's a LOT of yin yangs
how many ninjas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
YO, DON'T put legos in the laundry!
*whiny child voice* I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS, MOM
that dragon statue accurately represents my soul
i want nap time
awww mini ninjago city on the zoom out
final review? 9/10 [3/3 animation, 1/2 innovation, 5/5 story because it's not trying to be deep or have a ton of references and its story stays on theme by being 2d; this style is so much fun and nostalgic that it's hard not to love, plus it's fun to have something that's just loosely based on NJ]
Golden Legend commentary, Gold Rush commentary
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Shut up, I'm really proud of that portmanteau.
Anyway, as I got nostalgic about over here, today marks one year that I've had this blog. One year, I just... freaking wow, every time I say it, I'm blown away all over again! It simultaneously feels like so much longer - forever, really - that I've had this blog and these friends, but at the same time, it feels like only last month that it was May of 2020. Confusing much, I know, but the real point here is that, fandom friends, mutuals, I freaking LOVE you all, and this hellsite/app has brightened my months in so many more ways than I could ever have imagined.
And a full year of being here - that calls for some kind of a celebration, don't you think? Well I think so, and I'm totally doing it :D
Now, I know that the "traditional" celebration thingy for a Tumblr writer to do is to open prompts and give back to their followers - and, yeah, I want to do that, but I do unfortunately have pretty limited time thanks to work, ugh. And also - an anniversary (or a Lilyversary, whatever the case may be :P) goes both ways, and I want to celebrate me as well as you guys for a little bit.
So my celebration proposition is a compromise: I will respond with a drabble for the pairing of your choice... after you send me an ask with something I did during the past year that made you smile. It doesn't have to be anything huge or special, and we don't even have to know each other very well - it can literally just be, "you liked my post and it made me happy." I'll be like, sweet, what would you like me to write for you? Because yes, fine, I am a sucker for flattery.
As for the actual writing - when I say drabble, I mean drabble, as in, 100 words exactly. Hopefully. How it works is that after you've typed up your lovely thing to make me smile, you hit Enter and add on a new line, [pairing] + your choice of fluffy, angsty or friendshippy. I'll answer this with plenty of pleading-faces for your compliment, probably, as well as one hundred words of fluff, angst or friendship for the pairing you picked.
Pairings and fandoms I'm willing to write for are:
Any pairing, romantic or platonic, from Marvel's Agents of SHIELD, except for romantic Coulson/Daisy or anything including the characters Ward, Hive, Malick or Sousa
Any pairing, romantic or platonic, from Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist, except for Joan/Leif or Zoey/Joan
Anything at all involving Spideychelle (Peter Parker/Michelle Jones) and Ned Leeds, Betty Brant, and other characters from the MCU Spider-Man films
Star Trek: Discovery - I have watched up until season 2, episode 2, and am willing to write Michael/Philippa, Michael & Tilly, Michael & Saru, Paul Stamets/Hugh Culber, Stamets & Tilly as long as it's pre-2x03. I might be willing to try Joann/Keyla too, but, uh, no promises.
Now, some of you evil-mastermind type of souls might be wondering, hey, what if I send her like ten compliments? Do I get ten mini-fics? And the answer is, um, askldjfksaskldjfksakls, yes, you probably would, because my self-control is... terrible, to say the least. However, I'm going to ask you very nicely to please take some mercy on my sleep schedule, and only send in a maximum of three compliments/drabble requests per person. Thanks for understanding!
Regarding length, hm, well, depending on how many virtual hugs I get, I'm probably going to keep this going for the entire month of May, so... let's celebrate, my loves!!
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Underwing Challenge Day 6 + Day 7
6. What does your portfolio look like? Talk about as many other WIPs as you’d like here.
I have to be honest here, I never understood portfolio. I mean u understand what it is and its purpose but I never understood how to make it for myself.
But either way I guess I do have certain things I worked on.
Starting of with Collection.
1. Collection: Story 1: Mirror Defect: (DONE) (Sorry no cover)
Not all is as it seems.
Not all can be explained and even when the truth is out not everything will make sense.
"I just lost my brother, I can't lose her."
What can you do when you lose trust in those around you? When grief holds you too close?
When lies are hidden all around you?
When nothing is real?
Can you trust your own eyes? When all goes wrong who can you trust?
"Experitment 1034, you are next"
Is anything real? Are you real?
**Warning: character death, graphic description of the deceased character.**
I SUCK AT SUMMARIES.
The story was originally done to scare my uncle. I was going to send him this other story, which R.L. Stine wibe to it but sadly I lost it.
So here we are. Now this story features Mark, who despite all that has occurred, is trying to fix his broken family, even if it means destrying himself but is this family real?
You can check it out here
2. So, A Deal?: (DONE)
Met with death she has no choice but to let death consume her.
"No, I can't leave like this! Not like this."
There is no other way, or is there? But is she ready?
"What do you want? Does your soul not fill with rage, anger and despair? Pushing you to the core of vengeance? Don't you feel like a ghost? Dreading you will disappear? You know you are nothing but a ghost, and eventually, you will have to fade."
"I have seen the face of affliction brought by my reality, I'm tortured by the future of things that cannot be, haunted by visions of yesterday."
Her sin is great, but her desire greater. Will she survive the burn?
This was something I did for my school wrok once. Although it is quite different than the original work. I'm quite happy with the last chapter. I honestly just posted it out as a test to see if others would like it.
It took quite an effort and I enjoyed doing the last bit of it. I really want to make a sequal to it, get it going, but not really sure if this is going to go well.
You can check it out here.
3. Solar Elements: (DONE)
Avatar: The last Airbender inspired.
A lot can happen during a lifetime, faultless rotating to flaws, heroes into villains, a lifetime of destruction smiling in your wakes.
A lot can be lost in a lifetime.
"Wolf is going overboard,"
"We do not have time to wait."
"Surrender now and we shall show you all mercy."
"No, we will never yield to you"
"Then so be it."
"You are not prohibited to address better yet conduct such disgrace." "We are still alive!"
"Love you, Son"
A lot can happen during a lifetime, faultless rotating to flaws, heroes into villains, a lifetime of destruction smiling in your wakes.
"And so she has finally awoken."
I had done this for a story contest once, sadly I was unable to win. But I have to behonest, if I had I would have been so annoyed, it was awful, so awful. I won't talk much on it, as I still don't like this too much.
This feature elemtnal magic and time twist you can say, where a character, reborn must choose to either repeat history or change it completely.
4. Pirates tale: (WIPs)
Had this in for a while, been working on it but didn't have a plot till now.
The ship has no name, no crew, nothing. But if you see it, it's already too late.
Legend says they're ghost, some say they are cursed, others....... others don't live to tell the tale.
It was inspired by a prompt I saw once. Hoping to make these pirates cured to be vampires, hidden from all and only visible at night. They are insearch of their first crew captain, the one who must break the cures. Problem is, Captian dies 30 years ago.
Guess, his hidden daughter must be placed instead.
This is dumb, so dumb, but hey, I'll work on it.
5. The Basement: (WIPs)
Another school work.
This one feartures students sneaking into their school's basement. Each with their own story on why the basement is forbbiden.
If only they had listened and not followed through, then maybe they would not have encountered, the hidden dark past of the school.
This has a gay couple, lol I actaully send it to my teacher but I don't think she noticed :(. It needs alot of work though, so this may take a while.
6. To find the Truth: (WIPs)
This one seems to be liked a lot by you guys. Many seem intrigued.
In the dystopian future, when the world government collapsed, when humans fell and the virus took hold, out rose a series of mutants. Their genes mutated by the virus released when a power plant went nuclear.
These mutants, blessed with powers beyond their control, have taken leadership. Smart, strong, powerful and undefeatable. They hold power over the weak like you and me. But I won't let them stop me. I won't let them come in the way.
They are sloppy, weak and useless. The world is filled with criminals, danger and people in need. This world needs justice, it needs help and they won't help, so I will.
"They'll take you away. They take people like them away"
"I won't let them"
I worked up a lot on this in the past few day and have actually most of the plot down. Well the main chracter's backstory at least, even how the virus started and why these mutants have taken over.
I just need to start it out and get it going. I have done that and I was thinking of adding bits and pieces on how the world is after every sub-story, like telling the tale as the story progress.
Was also hoping to give this story, a big reveal as to who these mutants are and how they came to be, why they take other's like them and how they find other's like them.
7. To Sacrifice or To Live? (WIPs)
Still working up on the name here, but the story goes like this.
Two wedding decades a part, each holding nothing but tale forgotten.
An evil entity hanting them both. A power over both familes, readdy to demolish them whole this time.
Will the scarifice work?
Ok, before you turn away, here me out here.
Two weddings, one in the 1900s and the other in 2000s. Both familes trapped in a curse long active, each must work to find a way to break the curse. One failed, made it worse, will the new bride make it? Or will she suffer worse?
8. Collection: Haunting Memories (WIPs)
Jenny doesn't know how she did it but she did. She didn't mean to. She really didn't. But Nina is dead now and it's her fault. She did it.
It's her fault.
Then why do they blame Jake? Jake is sweet, kind and caring. Sure he was the one with the blade, covered in blood and coming to kill Jenny next but it wasn't Jake. Because she saw.
Saw him kill her. Push the blade through Nina, watching as the girl fell. Her blood turning the ground crimson. She saw as the life left Nina's eyes. As the killer slumped to the ground, the control over him wearing off.
Jenny knows because she killed Nina. Then why does no one believe her? And why do her memories differ from Jake's?
“I am telling you what happened.”
“All you are doing is wasting our time.”
“Then be patient, this is all I have. Please just hear me out.”
“We are busy people here. We don’t have time for stupid tales, girl”
“This is not a stupid tale. If you could just listen.”
“We are listening. Listening to you for the past 10 minutes, all you have done so far is tell us useless things. We have things to do.”
“Everything I mention is important. One thing missed and you won’t understand. Please. I need your help.”
“You have 10-”
“Fine 15 minutes.”
This I hope to work and get done by at least in the next month. It need a lot of work and must be quite slow yet fast paced. I need to make the plot a bit more than just what I have written.
8. Trick? No, I'll take the Treat (WIPs)
Halloween themed. Done quite long ago.
What will you do when your Halloween turns into a nightmare?
I have nothing much on it at the moment, but will update this soon.
7. What kind of partnership are you looking for in this event? Friendship? Somebody to bounce ideas off of? Something else? What sorts of people are you hoping to meet and adopt?
Honeslty, I did a lot of research in the past few days and boy do I ned a lot of work done.
For starters, I need someone who can actually tell me how my work is going, just how kuch of an effort I have out in and how it seems to others.
I need harsh, quite harsh feed back so I know what I am doing wrong, what I should improve with and what interests the reader about the book.
I also say wish to meet and know other writers here. Would love to meet them and get to know them.
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