#i don't do enough i don't even consume the right media. I'm the fuckin. rat that pushes the pleasure button until they die

[bredforloyalty]

just watched the bo burnham special. media that makes you want to at least set app timers because suddenly it hurts a lot more, that you're not who you want to be, than it hurt a few hours ago :/

#there's nothing major‚ that's wrong with me #i am just‚ soooo well-established i swear. i'm doing so good i only pee myself once a day because i can't handle the future as a concept #we all do that at 18‚ right. it's not special at all it just happens #so. that's nothing to solve. but then there's the shitty family problem which also can't be solved and that's why it was accepted #and blocked out!! simple #i used to cry for hours because i hated myself so much (you all know how it is) and now i'm better :) #but. i'm not GOOD like i'm not who i feel like i should or could be #i don't do enough i don't even consume the right media. I'm the fuckin. rat that pushes the pleasure button until they die #I'm not a hedonist‚ i mean of course i'm not. now i kinda wish i was 🤨 that'd be better #i want direction #i don't even know what's important to me. just surviving isn't cutting it anymore!!!! #not having a Very exciting movie life is obviously not. a problem #(i used to think it MIGHT be‚ that i'm yearning for teenagerhood that feels exactly like tongue tied by grouplove ghysfhxyhvy) #(it felt like everyone else my age was out there having fun and having sex and being in relationships and sometimes even falling in love) #(and then i never got there? didn't even get close? god i hate the kinds of things that bother me in life) #or have ever bothered me like i genuinely have barely had real problems and i KNOW that #but then again i'm here to improve constantly. and an unexamined life isn't worth living as socrates probably thought or smth #i do need to make it better‚ to exist here. do better (even if it's my shitty little problems 🙄) #and what I've arrived at‚ is that‚ i don't live up to my own rules :/ now i accept myself and all that but i'm not happy #i mean i AM because that's supposed to be being with what you have. and i'm content i'm not asking for anything #so maybe that's the problem! i'm not content‚ i just‚ yield #overall i need more. #of something‚ for sure - i just don't know what #i love myself i can forgive myself but i don't LIKE myself. i don't like myself that's it i think #imagine this post written with a pink glitter gel pen bc i just journaled :) #thx tumblr for giving me this opportunity‚ thank ME for speaking‚ etc #kata.txt #like it helps to get it out so‚ fuck you yes i am pretentious fuck you <3 i love you #setting those app timers now like a fucking clown. no more everything all of the time #bo burnham