Behind the Words [Remus Lupin]
pairing - remus lupin x fem!reader
type - fluff, lil angst
note - basically i got this idea after writing a non context ship from my old celebration post hehe, and i loved it so much so i decided to write an official imagine!
summary - after finding your diary, remus discovers you’re in love with him. will he exchange the feelings?
warnings / includes - language, little suggestive (if you squint) lil fighting, lil crying, remus being a nosey fuck for no reason, you two are one year apart, cute ending :)
*gif isn’t mine*
“Godrick Gryffindor! This place is a mess!” Remus exclaimed as he walked into the boy’s dormitory.
You, James, and Sirius looked up at Remus, eyes wide and totally clueless. But as you three looked around the bedroom, little, sheepish smiles appeared on each of your faces. ￼
“Sorry, Rem. We’ll clean it u—”
“Actually,” Sirius interrupted. “I have a Potions essay to write.” He scrambled up off of the floor, grabbing his book bag and stuffing the left over candy he had and into his pants pocket.
“Y-Yeah, me, too,” James chuckled. He got up, swinging his book bag over his shoulder and fleeing to the door.
The two zipped out of the dormitory and down the stairs, dust clouds following them like a cartoon. Remus chuckled incredulously, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Ah, boys, am I right?” He sighed.
You laughed helplessly with him, feeling a tad bit awkward.
“S’alright. The mess is only just on my side of the room,” he rolled his eyes.
“M’sorry, Remus. I’ll help you clean up, I promise,” you sat up on his bed.
Remus turned his head to you, eyes widening as you were sitting on the heels of your feet, your skirt riding up your thighs. He tore his eyes away from your exposed skin, not wanting to make you any more uncomfortable than you already seemed.
“Uh, it’s alright, really. I’m sure you have a test to study for, too. Or an essay to—”
“No!” You exclaimed, getting up off the bed immediately and appearing right in front of him.
His eyes widened as he stared down at you, his eyes gazing down upon your lips as they were pulled into a small apologetic, but eager pout.
“Sorry, I um… Just feel bad,” you rubbed the back of your neck, looking down at your shoes.
Remus shook his head, a small smile resting on his face as he put his hand on your shoulder reassuringly. “No worries. You don’t have to help, but if you insist, be my guest.”
You looked up at him, eyes shining bright as a wide smile spread on your lips. Remus’s heart did a little pitter-patter at the sight, his own smile getting wider without him even realizing.
“Alright!” You nodded, moving away to clean up your own mess before anything else.
Remus mirrored your actions, going to clean up the biggest mess in the room, which he definitely could tell it was Sirius’s. As you threw trash away, you pulled out your wand, muttering a spell so the record player your father had got you started to play. Remus looked at you, not being able to fight off a grin as he saw you dancing to the music. He tried to, but he just couldn’t take his eyes off of you.
“So bye-bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry,” you hummed.
“You’re a good singer,” Remus spoke up.
You clamped your mouth shut, heat crawling up your cheeks. You kept your back to him, afraid he would see the beads of sweat that were running down your forehead.
“Of course,” he hummed.
You let yourself smile widely, tying the trash bag and throwing it in the bin by James’s bed. You let the song finish before speaking again, wanting to try and make small talk.
“So, are you excited to graduate?” You asked.
“I am. How is sixth year going? Ready for your N.E.W.Ts?” Remus asked.
“I think. I mean, I know I still have another year, but I’m a little scared about Herbology. I only got an A from my O.W.Ls and I need it to go well next year if I want to become a healer,” you sighed.
“An A is still a passing grade. There’s a reason why you were placed Herbology again. You’re a fantastic student, Y/n. If you ever need help, though, just write me a letter and I’ll help you the best I can,” Remus offered.
You looked back at him, smiling appreciatively as you saw he had already been looking at you.
“Thank you, Remus. I probably will be writing to you some, so be ready,” you chuckled.
“Will do,” Remus laughed with you.
“What do you want to be again?” You changed the subject.
“Auror,” he replied with a proud smile.
“Very nice. It’d definitely suit you,” you said.
“Thank you. I think so, too. I’m just worried I won’t get it,” he frowned, turning back to making Sirius’s bed.
“What are you worried about? You’re very qualified, if not the most qualified person to get the job.”
“Oh, it’s just… self doubt,” he shrugged, not wanting to reveal his little secret to you.
You noticed he was holding something back, but didn’t push. “Well, take some pride in yourself. You’re a fantastic student, too.”
“Thank you, Y/n.”
“Of course,” you smiled. You fluffed up Remus’s pillows, letting out a tired sigh. You felt your bladder beginning to tingle and you finished making the bed before letting Remus know you were leaving for a few moments.
“I need to use the restroom. I’ll be back,” you notified.
“S’alright,” Remus nodded.
You picked up your book bag up from the floor and swung it onto the bedpost. As you walked away, something fell out of your bag and you failed to notice. Remus didn’t notice until he heard the small ‘thump’ the object made loud and clear.
He turned around, brows furrowing as he saw it was a brown book with a silver lock on the cover. He stepped over to it, gingerly picking it up. There were words carved into the cover. It read: Y/n L/n’s Diary.
“Oh,” Remus gasped.
He heard a clink from the bathroom and his head shot up immediately. He was ready to throw the book down, but he then realized you had dropped something and weren’t coming out yet.
He took a seat on his bed, running his fingers over the cover. He ran his fingertips over the lock, eyes flying open as the lock fell suddenly.
“Faulty little thing,” he muttered.
He eyed the pages, his fingers itching to open it. He opened the cover, chuckling as he saw your handwriting saying ‘Property of Y/n L/n’s. Don’t read or all hex you into next week’. Honestly, he wanted to read, but he knew it would be an invasion of privacy. He respected you the most out of anyone he knew, really, and he knew that if you caught him, you would definitely kill him. But maybe one peek wouldn’t be so bad…
So he opened the book hastily, flipping to the first page that was dated to the beginning of the school year. He guessed that you had a diary for each year. He found it admirable, really. He had tried to keep a daily journal before, but he never kept up with it. Even with his werewolf issue, too. He just relied on his memory or his friends to burden him with the information.
Your first entry was a summary of your first day of sixth year, and your feelings towards it being your second-to-last year at Hogwarts. Remus smiled at your sentimental words as he related deeply. Hogwarts was basically a home to both of you. Remus didn’t have a mother, and his father sure as hell didn’t care for him. Remus knew you had troubles at home, too, and often spent the holidays at the castle, or often visited your friends, Lily Evans, and James and them during summer.
He flipped through the pages, skimming the entries, his cheeks quickly becoming numb. As he got to the middle of the book, he stumbled upon more secretive, gossip-y entries than daily summaries. You talked about how the boys in your Potions and DADA classes were atrocious, and you wrote a little bit about a few popular Ravenclaws and Slytherins that Remus could tell you didn’t favor. But then he stumbled on him and his friend’s names. Remus read these paragraphs with great intent.
You wrote about how thankful you are to have James and Sirius as your “big brothers” at Hogwarts. You wrote about Lily being the big sister you never had and how happy you were to be able to talk about boys, get your nails done, and squeal during horror movies with someone other than yourself. Remus found himself chuckling fondly at your descriptions of your relationship with his friends, knowing that they were basically your family. He didn’t see his name until a few pages later. He kept a steady smile, but his brows raised as he kept reading further.
And then there’s Remus. Merlin, where do I start? He’s one of my best friends, of course. Well, maybe my number one best friend, actually. But… I feel more than that for him. He makes me so incredibly happy. Ever since he helped me with navigating the corridors in my first year, we’ve been best friends. We just clicked, y’know? I mean, I know I’ve written about others I like, but I like Remus more. I… I think I’m in love with him.
It’s crazy, probably… I don’t know. But whenever he smiles at me, my whole world lights up, even when I’m in the worst of moods. And oh, his laugh. It’s quite literally music to my ears. It’s a deep chuckle that is sure to get stuck on replay in my head. Oh, and he’s so incredibly kind. He definitely is so much more different from his friends. He is mischievous sometimes, and likes to play tricks, but he’s also considerate and just good. He’s a good man. He’s a good person. Thank his parents or whoever raised him for bringing up such a perfect boy. He’s so nice to me, too. Especially nice. He helps me whenever I need it, even if it’s in the dead of night. And argh, whenever he looks at me, my throat goes dry and I start to sweat and I get so nervous. I can’t help it. He just has the effect on me.
And maybe we aren’t the best of friends, because sometimes he holds back on telling me things, but I love him nonetheless and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Anyways, I must sound like a crazy, school girl with the biggest crush on the most handsome, smartest boy in school. But can you blame me? Exactly.
“See? Maybe I don’t sound as ridiculous as I thought,” Remus read the last words on the page.
He blinked at your written confession, heart racing and a sheer covering of sweat lining his forehead. He began to smile widely, relief washing over him. All this time you liked him, too. How amazing is that? Now he could finally ask you to Hogsmeade, or a picnic, without the worry of you saying no.
Remus didn’t even hear you open the bathroom door, or much less see you standing behind him, jaw to the floor, eyes wide, and body shaking with anger and embarrassment.
“What the fuck!” You screamed.
Remus jumped, your diary falling out of his hands and falling open on the floor. Remus’s whole body tensed as you stomped over to him, picking up your diary and waving it angrily in face.
“Really, Remus? You know, I thought you out of all people would respect my privacy. But no! Of course, you had to take a leap and precede my expectations, huh?” You scoffed in exasperation.
He looked up at you, his chocolate brown eyes begging and regretful like a little puppy’s.
“I-I’m sorry. I kn—”
“You knew what? That you shouldn’t have read it? Yeah, no fucking shit, Remus. I can’t believe I even thought I could trust you alone with this—”
“I didn’t mean t—”
“Oh, you didn’t mean to what? Look through my bag? Pick the lock? Invade my privacy? Well, I got news for you pal—”
“You like me?” He interrupted.
You dropped your glare, your expression then replaced with confusion.
“I-I mean, I like do, but not right this mo—”
He then got up quickly with a smile, snaking his hand up your face to cup your cheek, his other hand holding your lower back, bringing you closer to him. You gasped in surprise, and in pleasure, as your bodies met. Remus kissed your lips softly, but with passion. You stood bug-eyed, your whole body frozen in shock as he kissed you. You were beginning to loosen up when he pulled away, and you let out a quiet whine of disapproval.
“I mean like-like me, love. Like, in-love type of like,” he grinned down at you.
Your whole face got warm by the second and you felt your underarms start to perspirate.
“U-Uh… Where did you get that idea?” You laughed nervously.
“I read your entry about me. And while I am sorry about going through your personal belongings, I’m not sorry for finding that out,” he stated.
“Why?” You snorted. “I know you’re just going to reject me.”
Remus’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Did you not just see me kiss you a few seconds ago?”
Your lips upturned into a grin and you looked down shyly. “I suppose I did notice you do something of that manner.”
“Hm, do you need a reminder, then?” He suggested, wrapping both his arms around your waist.
“I definitely wouldn’t mind,” you giggled.
He smiled with you, cupping your cheek again and bringing your foreheads together.
“I’m in love with you, too, you know?” He whispered.
“Oh, really? I couldn’t tell,” you remarked.
“Are you going to be this smart with me when we’re 80-years-old?” Remus raised his brow.
“Maybe. Why? Don’t think you could handle it?” You challenged.
“Oh, no,” he shook his head gently. “I can handle you just fine.”
He gave you a cheeky as he pressed his lips to yours once again. You melted into him immediately, savoring the feeling of completion and relief as you kissed him.
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George Lucas on God and Religion
“I think there is a God. No question. What that God is or what we know about that God, I'm not sure. The one thing I know about life and about the human race is that we've always tried to construct some kind of context for the unknown. Even the cavemen thought they had it figured out. I would say that cavemen understood on a scale of about 1. Now we've made it up to about 5. The only thing that most people don't realize is the scale goes to 1 million.”
“When I wrote the first Star Wars, I had to come up with a whole cosmology: What do people believe in? I had to do something that was relevant, something that imitated a belief system that has been around for thousands of years, and that most people on the planet, one way or another, have some kind of connection to.I didn't want to invent a religion. I wanted to try to explain in a different way the religions that have already existed. I wanted to express it all.”
“Let’s say I am spiritual.”
“All the religions are true, they just see the different part of the Elephant.”
“[despite different expressions of religions] The God is still there it's just we don't know what it is or what it looks like but the one thing it has constantly done and in all religions is God is love.”
“It is possible that on a spiritual level we are all connected in a way that continues beyond the comings and goings of various life forms. My best guess is that we share a collective spirit or life force or consciousness that encompasses and goes beyond individual life forms. There’s a part of us that connects to other humans, connects to other animals, connects to plants, connects to the planet, connects to the universe. I don’t think we can understand it through any kind of verbal, written or intellectual means. But I do believe that we all know this, even if it is on a level beyond our normal conscious thoughts. If we have a meaningful place in the process, it is to try to fit into a healthy, symbiotic relationship with other life force. Everybody, ultimately, is trying to reach a harmony with the other parts of the life force. And in trying to figure out what life is all about, we ultimately come down to expressions of compassion and love, helping the rest of the life force, caring about others without any conditions or expectations, without expecting to get anything in return. This is expressed in every religion, by every prophet.”
“My daughter was aksed at school, “What are you?” And she said we’re Buddhist Methodist. I said, will, I guess that’s one way to describe it” [laughs]
“The Force is a metaphor to God, and God is essentially unknowable. (...) I like to think that there is an unified reality to life and that it exist everywhere in the universe and that it controls things, but you can also control it.
“Conceptually when you get into the Force, you can see there is Living Force and the Uber Force - which is technically, however you wanna call it, Heaven, or Born again, or Karma - there is a continuum. And that you join the Force when you die and you lose your personality but you become one with this bigger, living entity.”
“You have to understand that the reality of nature and God and life is that things come, and things go they do not stay in your life. And you have to learn to accept the fact that it is a continuum that you're just a part of.”
Speaker: We've read that you grew up Methodist but know that you are a Methodist Buddhist. Is that correct?
George Lucas: Well, that's what I tell my kids. [laughs]
Speaker 2: How you came to identify with the Buddhist religion and also what the similarities are between the two of Methodism and Buddhism?
George Lucas: Well, when I was very young, I don't know about 8 or 10 years old, somewhere in there, I can distinctly remember asking my mother "If there is one God, why are there so many religions?” And obviously she couldn’t answer that, but this question was always relevant to me, in my life. Because obviously if there's one God then everybody is worshipping the same God then everybody should be sort of... the Word of God, if there is a Word of God, would be the same. But if you find there's ... you know, hundreds of different interpretations of everything which obviously means that in my mind is not really the Word of God, that's the word of man. And if you go beyond all the world religions... because they're all similar, you know, they are all... I like to think of them as the blind men and the elephant. Blind man goes up to the elephant, one grabs the leg and says "it's a tree" the other does the ear, it says 'it's a leaf” and the other one says "it's a trunk" and "it's a snake" and... you know. But they're all describing the same thing. What you do is try to look for the unifying factors in all religions.”
“I don't see Star Wars as profoundly religious. I see Star Wars as taking all the issues that religion represents and trying to distill them down into a more modern and easily accessible construct--that there is a greater mystery out there. I remember when I was 10 years old, I asked my mother, "If there's only one God, why are there so many religions?" I've been pondering that question ever since, and the conclusion I've come to is that all the religions are true.”
“I would say so [that one religion is as good as another]. Religion is basically a container for faith. And faith in our culture, our world and on a larger issue, the mystical level--which is God, what one might describe as a supernatural, or the things that we can't explain - is a very important part of what allows us to remain stable, remain balanced.”
“[Star Wars] is half Buddhist, half Methodist, or half Christian... Judeo-Islamic-Christian, which is one religion. Then we have Buddha, what is in a different category.”
Interviewer: Both of you [George Lucas and Mellody Hobson] were talking about this notion of non-attachment and things passing what resonates with Buddhism do you follow a particular faith or did you come to these understandings independently?
George Lucas: I'm from San Francisco the Zen Buddhist capital of the United States. But in the same time (...) the one thing it has constantly done and in all religions is God is love. “My kids asked me what are we I said "well, we're Methodist Buddhists."
Love is so universal.
We know exactly what it is because we all feel it’s warmth, yet so hard to describe when we really look at it.
Love is so many things and at the same time you can say that is not love.
Love is when someone shares their economic resources with you; and at the same time giving someone material things is a deflective replacement for emotional connection.
Love feels like it should come naturally; innate in all human beings. And then you get into a relationship and discover you or this person never learned to love.
Humans do need to learn how to love.
Women socially are taught more often how to do this and what it requires, and men are discouraged from developing those skills and see them as a weakness. And of course there are women who don’t learn to love, and there are men who do learn to love, but statistically these genders traits are consistent.
Many of you are asking the questions?
Why can’t my father, mother, mate love me?
What is wrong with me?
Why won’t they go to therapy and fix these problems?
All I do know after 30 yrs of therapy is that you need see the ability to love in the same way as learning a new language.
Once men get past the emasculation issues that prevents them from loving, it becomes frustrating for them, just like learning Spanish for the the first time.
They don’t want to stay in the awkward learning stages. Stumbling along sentence structure, painfully searching for the right words that barely has any context.
If you learned a new language later in life, you have very familiar with this process. They teach you Aqua = water, Verde = green, and if you want to make a statement a question you have to reverse the noun/verb position.
Because English is your base, you think in English and figure out all your noun/verb conversions, and then apply all your new grammar rules, and try to spit out a perfect Spanish sentence. It’s a rote memory exercise of substituting equivalents.
Eventually you get so fast at this thru repetition it becomes conversational and if you continue long term at it, you actually start thinking in Spanish and we call this bi-lingual.
LEARNING HOW TO LOVE is exactly like this and very few people will stay in that vulnerable learning space long enough to get to the promise land, to the level that will satisfy your emotional needs.
What often happens is that in teaching them,
we give them a couple verbs and nouns examples of what love looks like, and they do try to incorporate that, buy you flowers, unload the dishwasher, and you are appreciative of their progress but still feel the emptiness and pain because your wounded and need someone who fully speaks the new language before you will feel the emotional warmth and security that will satisfied your wounded heart.
Only a person with a high emotional intelligence has the ability to treat your wounded heart and I’m sorry there are not that many of them out there.
Even being a therapist doesn’t translate into emotional intelligence, it only means they successfully completed their academic requirements and is the main reason I never recommend male therapists for you. Women also have the same problem, but you have a greater chance of finding an E.I. woman that started learning this language in childhood and then perfected it in college.
Everyday I publish posts that describe what validation, connection should look like and what is not love, but actually putting that knowledge into repeated practice is much harder.
I know this isn’t an answer to your problems. All I can do is get you closer to the solutions of …..
Why can’t my father, mother, mate love me?
What is wrong with me?
Why won’t they go to therapy and fix these problems?
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Since it's Father's Day, and I'm doing my best to finish up The Defectives 3 in time for the planned July 6th release, have multiple moments from TD3 of Ryder being the best father in Ace City:
He pulled her into a hug so tight that it nearly broke her spine. That was all right. She already had the wheelchair.
“Am I a burden?” Juniper demanded.
Other professors began to cry out, some waxing poetry, as they tried to defend the disabled teenager. Not a single syllable mattered. Juniper continued to stare Ryder down, until he let his fork fall along with the hammer: “But you’re worth it.”
"Ryder’s love has never come with any conditions attached, nor should it. You deserve to have someone love you, unconditionally."
He opened the card and read, “’Ryder, I’m sorry I died. It was inconsiderate. I don’t know what else to say. I like chocolate milk. Love, Jude.’ Mm, very nice. I’ll put it on the fridge.”
“I need Ryder like I need my wheelchair,” Juniper quietly said. “I love Ryder like I love my wheelchair. And I won't let anyone touch my wheelchair. And I won't let anyone touch Ryder."
[Context: In TD2, Juniper croaks, "Dad?" many times in the hospital, unaware that she's not actually saying Ryder's name.]
“Daughter. Daughter. Daughter. Daughter. Daughter.”
Juniper’s shoulders slumped and she growled, “I hate you so much.”
She curled up, clinging onto Ryder’s arm, trembling.
“Nothing,” Ryder warmly said. “I just can’t remember the last time you laughed like that.”
She paused before asking, “Is that bad?”
“No!” He let out an exasperated chuckle. “God, Jude, no.”
“You’re okay,” Ryder said, bringing her down from the air, as he brought her down from the attack. “You’re safe. You're all right."
He gave her a hand to squeeze.
“I’m not tucking you in.”
“Oh, stoptar suas!”
She buried her face in his coat.
"No matter what your last name is, no matter where you live, no matter who you become, unless you don’t want me around anymore, I will always be your family. And unless you say otherwise, I’ll always consider you my family.”
“I missed you,” Juniper finally said.
“Really?” Ryder asked, smirking down at her. “I had no idea.”
“Hey, I tried pulling back like three times now; you’re the one still hugging me.”
“Damn right I am.”
Christ, I'm not even halfway through the document, and I have to stop, because this post is already too long. Suffice to say, I did not even remotely make it subtle. And I will not apologize for that.
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Thanks for the tag, @niconiconina :))
1. why did you choose your url?
I thought it was an edgy portmanteau at that time. Blue oni, red oni thing.
2. any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.
@fifteenleads for fanfics.
@choonxie for (future) original stuff, also functions as my website, I guess.
3. how long have you been on Tumblr?
10 years and counting!
4. do you have a queue tag?
I used to use #qdhs, but now I don’t give a shit lol
5. why did you start your blog in the first place?
Nina. Also a couple of college classmates, but basically Nina.
6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?
It was from an old drawing of mine, redrawn by my sister. So proud of that girl!
7. why did you choose your header?
It was an old Rinoa-inspired graphic I made for the Where I Belong Challenge in 2012.
8. what’s your post with the most notes?
I translated the Death Parade Drama CD here.
9. how many mutuals do you have?
I... haven’t counted?
10. how many followers do you have?
Less than 200, I guess. That’s all my 3 blogs combined.
11. how many people do you follow?
Also less than 200. Haven’t been on Tumblr lately, so I just vibe with whatever now.
12. have you ever made a shitpost?
Nope. I honestly don’t know how that happens. Haha.
13. how often do you use tumblr each day?
Nah, just once a week lately. Even swore off fanitwit for a while. Am busy/tired.
14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?
Haven’t. My Tumblr life is pretty quiet.
15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?
Depends if it needs to be reblogged.
16. do you like tag games?
Sure! Keeps my blog active somewhat. Thanks, y’all.
17. do you like ask games?
Also a yes!
18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?
A lot of my friends from the YOI fandom back then. I am so proud of them, and I do miss them.
19. do you have a crush on a mutual?
None hahah. Takes a lot before I fall for anyone, much less someone from online.
Hmmm this one I probably won’t tag anyone haha, feel free to do this yourselves!
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