#i don’t know i’m just sad and stressed and having a lot of anxiety lately

[daddyslilchickenfingers2]

Slutmas Day 6

Stressed & Insecure (Matt)

Request: None

Warnings: Mommy kink, talk of poor mental heath, angsty at first, Matt being insecure, talk of body dysmorphia, friends to lovers, cockwarming, oral, whiny Matt

“You’re such a good boy for letting mommy take care of you like this”

Matt’s pov

Everything sucks right now, I’m so busy with work, it’s taking up all of my time, and everything going on right now backs up to that. I was purely stressed from work originally, which I know might seem easy, but don’t be fooled because it’s not. We’ve had so many meetings for sponsored content, videos, guest appearances, and merch designing, on top of filming for our YouTube and the Podcast. I’m genuinely just drained, my anxiety is high, I can’t sleep, and I’m overall in a bad mood.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘why not just jack off?’ well that’s because I can’t. I guess with being stressed and overwhelmed by everything, my cock just won’t get hard. It probably doesn’t help that my body is constantly getting hated on because of my weight, it makes me really insecure and uncomfortable with myself and my body. I was sitting at my desk doing some more online work and it was pissing me off, I’m so frustrated! I’m just doing so much overthinking and it’s making me stressed, overwhelmed, and insecure.

Just as I threw my notebook across the room there was a small knock and Chris popped his head in. “Matt, are you alright? Do you need anything?” Chris asked, knowing I wasn’t in the best mental state. “I’m fine, I just want to be alone” I sighed back, “Are you still coming to Larray’s house with us tonight?” I completely forgot about that. Chris looked a bit disappointed by my answer but he understood, “Nah I’m just gonna stay here, ‘m stressed and overwhelmed right now so I won’t be any fun” I said before Chris closed the door.

That was my insecurities talking, I always found myself rather boring and unenthusiastic when I’m in these moods. It had been about an hour of trying to get hard and then sitting in my chair with my head in my hands. My door slowly creeped open and I immediately assumed it was Chris or Nick. “Get the fuck out of my room!” I yelled, turning around to be met with my best friends confused face. “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” Y/n said quite nervously. I slammed my fist down on my desk before completely losing it, hot tears rolling down my face.

1 hour earlier

Y/n’s pov

I was at a nail appointment when I got a text message, I was already done with my fingers and in the chair for my toes.

iMessage start at 5:02pm

Chrisizzle🍊

bro are you busy

Y/n/n🪼

i’m getting my toes done rn

why

Chrisizzle🍊

at 5:30 me and nick are going to larray’s for the night

so i wanted to ask you a favor

yk how matt’s been kinda moody lately?

well today he’s really stressed and sad so he’s in a bad mood and i don’t want him to be alone tonight so can you head over afterwards and chill with him?

Y/n/n🪼

you literally just set up a playdate for your child lmao

but yeah i’ll go over there, i’ve missed my matty poo

Chrisizzle🍊

wow but you don’t miss me

that one hurt Y/n/n 🥲

anyways lmk when you get to our house bc we leave in 15

Y/n/n🪼

awe of course i miss you too sizzle 🤍

i’m abt to pay then I’ll head over

Chrisizzle🍊

don’t call me sizzle

*Y/n/n🪼 disliked this message*

iMessage ends at 5:37pm

The message had been from one of my best friends, Chris, he asked if I would go hang with his triplet bother, Matt, for tonight. I know he’s been getting a lot of hate about his attitude/weight and has been down the past 2 or 3 weeks, so I was hoping to cheer him up. I drove directly to the boys house after paying for my nails since I had a bunch of essentials over there and didn’t need anything from home.

I let myself in with my key and walked up to Matt’s room, which groans of frustration could be heard coming from. I lightly knocked before entering his room, as I was reclosing the door Matt yelled. “Get the fuck out of my room!” he said angrily, Matt’s never yelled at me before and he looked so pissed off that I got a little nervous.

I quickly replied with “I’m sorry, Chris said they were leaving and I should come keep you company because you’re having a bad day. I didn’t mean to make you upset” he looked at me for a second before I saw his face change to one of pain, hurt, and anxiety. Matt slammed his fist onto his desk yelling “Fuck!” before choking out into sobs.

His whole body was shaking and he slid out of his chair onto the floor, something he does when he’s really, really upset. I immediately ran over to sit next to him, wrapping my arms around his shaking figure. “I’m sorry! They hate me and I’m sorry!” he blurted out, causing me to be a bit confused as Matt’s hands desperately clung onto my shirt.

“It’s okay Matt, let it all out. You’re safe honey, I’ve got you-“ I was cut off by Matt pulling away from my shirt and basically screamed out in pain. “I don’t know what the fuck I did! Y/n, what’s wrong with me!? A-Am I not good enough!? I’m too skinny, I try to eat more but I can’t gain weight, I fucking hate my body! All I keep doing is disappointing everyone, Y/n I-I don-“ he started spiraling into a panic attack and I was worried, I have never seen Matt this bad before.

I didn’t know what else to do so I pushed past my own anxieties and kissed him. I cupped both of his cheeks and smashed our lips together, Matt was shocked at first so he didn’t kiss back but once he realized what was happening, he kissed back. I pulled away and Matt’s lips tried to chase mine before he opened his eye.

“W-What was that for?” he asked, a bit breathless from his previous breakdown. I suddenly felt shy so I looked down, “I uh- I didn’t know how else to get you to stop talking” I said, nervously playing with my fingers. “Oh, well thanks?” he said in a questioning tone, “Did you mean what you said about your body? Do you really think that?” I softly asked.

Matt groaned and stood up, offering me his hand, “I don’t want to talk about it but yes, I do hate my body” he mumbled as I too stood up. We made our way over to his bed and laid there in silence for a few minutes. I rolled over to my side facing Matt “Have you tried cumming?” I questioned quietly, “What!?” he rolled to face me as well, confused by what I just said.

“You know, because you’re stressed. I think I read somewhere that having an orgasm helps to relieve stress” Matt’s face was now painted red. He rolled over to be flat on his back again, “I’ve tried but I can’t get hard” he exhaled deeply. “Oh… I could try to help if you want” I offered, chewing on my nails, Matt turned to face me again, “Help.. me get… Help me get hard?” he questioned nervously.

We both had blush covering our faces at this point, “Yeah, then I can go chill in Nicks room and you can jerk off” I smiled shyly. “I mean that could work but I don’t want to be naked if you have clothes on” “You don’t have to be naked, you just have to trust me” “I-I trust you, how do we start though?” we conversed. I took a moment to think before asking, “Do you want to make out first, I know I’m like a lot bigger than you so I don’t know if it would be a problem for me to sit on your lap. Is it a problem?” I asked self-consciously as we both sat up.

Matt looked at me with an unamused look, “If that’s your way of making me feel worse about my body, it worked because your body is amazing” he huffed out, avoiding looking at me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” I said with a sad smile, upset that I hurt Matts feelings. “I know you didn’t but my body is like the main reason I cant get hard. I don’t like looking at myself naked, it shows off too much of what’s wrong with me” he replied.

It was silent again for a few minute until I broke the silence again, “I think it’s hot” “What?” Matt looked at me confused. “Your body, I think it’s hot” I smirked, “You think so?” “I know so, don’t you ever notice me staring at you when you’re shirtless or only wearing your boxers?” I teased some more. “I haven’t noticed actually, however, I have noticed you’re not on my lap yet” Matt pouted, pulling me onto his lap.

I was about to say something but was cut off by Matt grabbing the side of my face/neck and pulled me into a sweet kiss that quickly turned needy. I pulled back for a second to catch my breath, “Shit, I’m sorry! I’m just so touch starved and crave physical affection. You were gonna say something?” he panicked. “It’s okay, I know that physical touch is your love language, it’s one of the things I like about you. I forgot what I was going to say but I can tell you I’ll kiss you again” I giggled.

With that, Matt pulled my face to his again and this time the kiss was soft, yet also rough and needy. I had my hands wrapped around Matt’s neck, but his laid awkwardly at his sides, almost as if he’s scared to touch me. I pulled back from the kiss to grab his wrist and mumbled something against his lips. “You can touch me you know” I smirked as I placed Matt’s hands on my waist and went back to kissing him.

Matt’s hands quickly slid down and tightly gripped onto my hips, slowly starting to rock me back and forth. I started feeling his cock get hard and once I could tell he was fully hard, I stopped everything which caused Matt to let out a displeased whine. “Mmh why’d you stop?” he pouted, “Because you’re hard now, which means it’s my queue to leave” I said while trying to get up.

Matt held my hips down and begged, “Please don’t go! I-I don’t think I’ll be able to make myself cum, me being alone with my naked body sounds like a bad dream” he sighed. Piggybacking off what was just said he added, “W-Would you please m-make me feel good? I’ll let you have your way with me as long as it’s not super rough because I’m not in the mood for that” his eyes got a shade or two darker.

“Yeah, I can give you head if you want or you can sit back, relax and enjoy the full sub treatment” “Does the full sub treatment include sex? Because I’ve never been the submissive one before, I uh usually do doggy so my body isn’t seen as much. I’ve never even had a chick ride me before but you being on top sounds really hot, we don’t to have sex by the way, I was just saying if you wanted to I’m down” Matt confessed.

“If you stop talking about sex with other women, you have a deal. I might keep my shirt on though” I replied as I started slowly rocking my hips again. Matt’s grip on my waist tightened and he thrusted his hips up, his hard-on pressing against my clit so nicely that I let out a small, quiet moan. His eyes grew even darker after that, “No you will not. I wanna see your beautiful belly, I just know it’s gonna turn me on so much more” he instructed me.

I blushed and nodded, “Okay then handsome, just lay back and let me do all the work, tonight is all about you” I said, watching him nod before my lips were on his. I slid my tongue across his bottom lip, silently asking for access to his mouth which was quickly granted. He had a bit of trouble giving up control over the kiss at first but once I started trailing my kisses down his throat, he finally gave up on trying to win.

Matt’s pov

After Y/n had dominated the kiss, we made out for a bit before she started kissing down my neck. Once she reached the collar of my shit, she stopped and stood up to unbutton her pants. “If you really want me to make you feel good, take your pants off for me” she said seductively as she pulled off her own baggy jeans. I followed her directions and pulled my sweats off before grabbing her hand and leading her to sit on my lap again.

Y/n sat on my lap again before taking off her shirt, leaving her in a black lacy bra with matching panties. “Fuck… you look so goddamn beautiful” I said while looking into her eyes, my hands running up her thighs. “Mmm, thank you handsome. Can I take your shirt off?” she smiled, placing a short but sweet kiss to my lips, “You can do whatever you want to me” I panted, already being completely whipped for her.

She took my shirt off before whispering in my ear, “You’re such a good boy for letting mommy taking care of you like this” as I helped her get my pants and boxers off. “Such a pretty cock Matty. You gonna let me make you feel good?” Y/n teased, making me squirm a bit. “Please! Please just make me cum!” I pathetically begged as I watched her hand slowly move up and down my cock.

Y/n’s pov

“Anything for my sweet boy. Now tell me what it is that you want baby” I asked softly, loving how fucked out he looked already. “Want your mouth please mommy! Want you to ride me after!” Matt confessed all whiny and desperate, and who was I to deny him that? Without a word, I nodded before bring his tip into my mouth, loving the whimper he let out, “Yeah j-just like that, fuck!” he groaned as I swirled my tongue around his tip.

After teasing Matt a little bit, I decided to fully take him into my mouth, almost immediately deepthroating his cock. “Holy shit mommy! You’re so good at this! I won’t last long!” he cried out, bucking his hips up when I hummed against him. I continued doing this for a few more minutes when I felt Matt start to twitch in my mouth, his lower abdomen contacting as well.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m gonna cum— shit!” he whimpered as his hips thrusted upward and his left hand came down to hold my head in place. His right hand was pulling at his own hair as he shout a huge load into my mouth, so much that it was literally dripping out of the corners of my mouth. As I came up for air, I wiped the corners of my mouth to clean up the spilled cum and then licked it off.

“Did that feel good Matty? You were such a good boy” I smile as I placed a sweet kiss to his lips. “More! I-I need more! Y/n please, I need you to ride me. I’m so fucking hard still, I need to drain my balls in you” Matt begged me. “So needed aren’t we?” “Yes, please I need you” Matt nearly yelled with tears in his eyes. “Okay, okay, calm down sweet boy. You’ll get what you want, just be patient” I spoke softly as I pulled off my panties and unhooked my bra.

Matts hands immediately went down to my ass, staring up at me with a look of desperation. “Are you gonna be a good boy?” “Very good!” I smiled as I slowly sunk down on his cock, trying to adjust to how long and thick it was. “S-So tight mommy! So f-fucking tight!” Matt whimpered out as I started to move up and down with the help of him. Both of us were moaning quite loudly as I started to move faster, pulling his hair in the process.

“Such a good boy Matty, making mommy feel so good with your big cock!” “W-Want you to cum. Wanna f-fill you up” Matt grunted as he started bucking his hips up into me at a fast pace. We were both very close and with one more thrust that hit my g-spot perfectly, I was cumming on his cock. “Fuck Matt, I’m cumming. Oh god— cum for me baby!” I cried as I rode through my orgasm, starting to slightly overstimulated but wanting Matt to cum.

With a loud whiny growl, Matt came inside of me, this load was equally as big as the one from earlier, instantly dripping down his balls. “Holy shit— I love you, and I’m not just saying that because you gave me the most mind blowing orgasm ever. I genuinely love you Y/n” Matt confess as he started to rub my back. “I love you too Matt, I mean it” I smiled as I placed a soft kiss to his lips “Don’t get off, cockwarm me all night please” he sweetly asked.

I agreed and we got situated so we could lay down, Matt turning off his bedside lamp in the process. “Tomorrow, I’m gonna take you on the best date of your life, but for now, goodnight pretty lady” “Goodnight Matt, I love you” I mumbled into his neck, feeling the sleep take over my body. “I love you too, and thank you for tonight. Now get some rest baby” was the final thing to be said before we drifted off to sleep.

All work is subject to copyright

© Daddyslilchickenfingers2 2023

Do not steal my work

#sturniolo triplets #smut #sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplet smut #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo smut #sturniolo triplets smut #matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo x you #matthew sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #sturniolo triplets imagine #sturniolos #the sturniolo triplets #slutmas #daddyslilchickenfingers

[archivomeow]

Fight and Forgive.

characters: Spencer Reid, Reader/You

relationship: Spencer Reid/Reader (romantic or/and platonic)

description: Reader is laying alone in bed, tired after fighting with Spencer, soon enough he comes into the room and is their comforter.

other tags: no use of Y/N, gn!reader, established relationship (not specified if it was romantic or platonic.) Anxiety, Anxious and Overthinking Reader

read on ao3!

It was dark and late, it was summer so it took a moment for the sun to fully set and the moon to shine, you could see stars through the window, it was a beautiful night, which you were spending all alone.

Spencer as usual wasn’t back till’ late hours, it was eating you up alive. You couldn’t bear it anymore, you loved him, truly, but all this separation, his recent visit in the hospital…

He called it “risks that come with the job”.

You called it “bullshit”.

Both of you said a lot, that happened each time you held back, silently suffering, feeling as if your feelings, your pain was just not worth it, it’s not like anything could and would change.

You were covered with a fluffy blanket, you had nowhere else to go, really. Spencer didn’t say much, just stayed in the living room, two hours have passed, yet the light still shined through the crack under the door, so he obviously was awake. You simply returned to the bedroom, where you could freely sob, still you tried to be silent, the pillow was wet from the tears however it would dry by the morning, so nothing would look suspicious.

Spencer kept risking his life and the stress of losing him was not something you wanted to go through. You loved him, he loved you, but he also loved his job, his coworkers, sometimes it felt like he loved them more then you. No matter what he said or would do — it couldn’t bring back the time you lost with him, because of the BAU or the sleepless nights when you’re anxiety was horrible, not allowing you to sleep, because he hasn’t returned yet. It was his job, but it had a firm grip on both his and your mental state.

Soon enough you had no tears left to cry, so you laid on the empty, king-sized bed, just spiralling with no intention to stop. Not only you needed to figure out what to tell Spence, you also punished yourself that way, the overthinking mainly resulted in painful headaches, but you just couldn’t stop, I mean this whole fight was your fault anyways…

That’s when your head turned towards the door when you heard it click, he was standing there, his hair messy, letting in the light from the living room, which made you squint your eyes. He moved into the room, switching the lights of the living room off and shutting the door behind himself.

“Hey…” His voice was raspy, he stood over the bed just looking at you, you glanced at him, but chose to focus somewhere else.

You cried and fought, still you could feel the rage and sadness inside of your chest, bubbling up.

“What do you want?” You were straight forward, with no intention to start a conversation, you didn’t want to fight anymore, you couldn’t handle it, you were simply exhausted.

“I- Can we talk…Please?” He hesitated, he knew you too well, well enough to ask, knowing you don’t have the heart to turn him down.

“Spence…Can we do this tomorrow?” You furrowed your brows as he sat on the bed and sighed, that’s when it hit you, he was not going to be here tomorrow. “Oh…” The sound left your mouth as it hit you, like a slap across your face.

“I’m sorry…But it’s…The BAU—“ He didn’t got a chance to finish, you didn’t let him.

“No more of that…” The whine left your mouth as your palms rubbed your face in a poor attempt to stop yourself from bursting out crying. “I’m sick of listening to that, Spencer.” Your voice was stern, you felt so fragile, like anything he says might break you.

He simply nodded as the two of you sat in silence for a moment. You looked at him more carefully now and without a doubt he was doing the same, but only one of you was a profiler.

His eyes were slightly red, his lips chapped and under his eyes you could see eye bags, he obviously wasn’t asleep in awhile.

“Lay down.” You spoke more softly, moving slightly to make him more space. “You need to sleep, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“Sleep.” Spencer simply repeated the word and laid down awkwardly next to you. You could blame him, one moment you’re throwing a tantrum and the other you two are back in bed.

He glanced at you, the silence was loud, the only noise came from the streets and the cars passing every now and then. It was your fault, so you initiated contact, your body moved towards him, closing the distance between you two. Soon enough his hands traveled to your waist and your head to the crook of his neck. Both of you said nothing, just kept calm and enjoyed each other’s warmth.

“You know I love you…I do…” He whispered softly, his breath send a shiver down your spine. “I love coming home and seeing your face and I love spending the holidays with you and every other free moment I have…” He continued as his hand slowly rubbed your back.

“I know…I—“ You whispered back gently, holding back tears.

“It’s okay…I understand.” He whispered back and placed a soft kiss on your forehead, before the two of you drifted to sleep.

#spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #dr spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid hurt/comfort #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds

[builtbybrokenbells]

Catch-22 | iv

Sometimes new beginnings are really just the same old story hidden in disguise.

Masterlist

Read while listening: harvest moon - neil young

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 14k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, car sex, fingering (f!receiving), mentions of oral (f!receiving), praise, possessiveness/jealousy, biting, lots of dirty talk, mentions of masturbation, mentions of hookups/casual sex, name calling, drinking, mentions of addiction, mentions of cheating/cheating, arguing, swearing, fighting, mentions of breakups, crying, general angst/sadness, anxiety, sorry if I miss any!

i hate to say finally…. but finally some smut lol. sorry for the wait, and thank you for sticking around 🫶🏻 as always, be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes! (lightly edited, my apologies 😘)

“Where is my curling iron?” You exploded, pushing open the bathroom door with enough strength to knock it off its hinges. Your eldest sister peeked her head around her open door, looking at you with concern.

“Why are you screaming?” The house was full after months of the upstairs bedrooms being mostly vacant, and it had done nothing but cause chaos. Things were constantly getting lost, there was never any good food in the fridge, and it was beginning to feel like you were in high school all over again. As nice as it was for the first few days of the reunion, it was beginning to grow old. Brooke was back from her graduate studies for a few weeks to celebrate the holidays just the same as you, and Ellie was on Christmas break from high school. With all of you home constantly and nowhere to go, tension was begginning to rise at an alarming rate.

“I have somewhere to be in half an hour, and I can’t find it anywhere!” You explained, stress eating away at you.

“Did you have it in your room or the bathroom?” Brooke asked, now stepping out to join you in the search.

“I don’t know, I can’t remember.” You sighed, running a hand through your freshly blowdried hair. Brooke stepped towards the bathroom just as Ellie’s bedroom door opened. With a confused stare, she tried her best to piece together the cause of the commotion.

“Here!” Brooke called, sticking her arm out of the door, holding the exact thing you were looking for. With a sigh of relief, you grabbed it from her with a smile.

“Thank you.” You breathed.

“What’s got you all riled up?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“She’s got a date!” Ellie called out, rushing to join in on the conversation. Brooke raised an eyebrow, now curious about your plans for the night.

“Not a date!” You corrected, giving your youngest sibling a glare as you searched for the outlet to plug in the curling iron. “Dinner, and a very platonic one at that.” Ellie leaned against the doorway as Brooke hoisted herself up on the bathroom counter, both of them unwilling to retreat back to their rooms just yet.

“I wouldn’t be this worked up over dinner with a friend.” Brooke chuckled, looking through your makeup bag. “This is cute, where’d you get it?” She pulled out a lipgloss, inspecting the label.

“I’m not worked up,” You snipped, running a comb through your hair. “I just don’t want to be late. And I got it for my birthday, I don’t know where it came from.”

“Your friends have good taste.” She hummed, dropping it back in the bag as she continued looking through the rest of it. “Who’s your strictly platonic friend that you’re terrified to keep waiting?”

“No one you know.” You huffed, clipping the top section of your hair back. Ellie cackled at your dismissal, not willing to let you get away with such a lie.

“It’s Sam.” Brookes eyes widened as her head snapped up in your direction.

“Ellie!” You hissed.

“Sam Kiszka?” Brooke pressed, her eyes never leaving your face. “I never thought that would happen again.” Your face burned red, embarrassed and annoyed at their persistence.

“Nothing is happening, not now, not ever. It’s just dinner, catching up with an old friend. After this, we’ll probably never see each other again.”

“Uh-huh,” Brooke gave a slow nod, not believing a word you said. “Be careful, squirt. He’s notoriously good at breaking your heart. I don’t want to see you go through that again.” Your lips tightened as you held back a grimace, her reminder doing nothing but resurfacing an old ache in your heart that you’d worked hard to cover up.

“He can’t break my heart if he doesn’t have access it, and he most certainly doesn’t now, nor will he ever.” You muttered, wrapping your hair around the metal barrel of the curling iron. Brooke gave a slow nod, watching you struggle to keep the lock of hair in place. When it fell from around the iron for the third time, she rolled her eyes, slipping off the counter as she extended her hand towards you. “What?” You asked, looking at her through the mirror as you tried again.

“Let me do it.” She said, her tone soft and much more caring than usual. She would never say it, but every time Sam broke your heart, hers broke for you. She had her fair share of misery at the hands of boys, but never had she seen someone hurt another person so extensively. She had no idea why you were so drawn to him, and in turn, why he was so fascinated with making you fall for him only to throw it all in the garbage, but she was at peace with the fact she never would. Nobody else needed to understand the nature of your relationship, because it was yours and yours alone. As a sister, it was her job to call you stupid first and then comfort you through it later. She did her job well, and she would continue to do it for the rest of her life.

“Thanks.” You sighed, watching her curl the long locks of hair with ease. She grabbed a few clips from the counter and clipped the curls as she worked, choosing not to acknowledge your appreciation. Ellie took Brooke’s place on the counter, now taking her own turn to inspect your makeup bag.

“Has he changed?” Brooke asked, her stare fixated on the iron. She refused to look up and catch your gaze, fearful that you might see the apprehension in her eyes.

“I hope.” You shrugged. “He seems like he’s grown up, but every now and then, I see the same old Sam in his eyes when he looks at me for a minute too long.” You said, your own eyes fluttering towards the sink. “I’m not the same person, though, and I think that’s the difference. He doesn’t know me anymore, and he doesn’t have any power, either.” You were lying with a ferocious intensity, but nobody was willing to call you out on it. If there was one thing Sam knew, it was you; it did not matter if continents and oceans were between you, and not even if decades and centuries separated you from each other. It was a violent act of the universe to place someone with so much power over you directly in front of you, and you prayed that if his power had not lessened, your immunity to it had grown.

“And you’re sure that this is a strictly platonic event?” She said, moving on to the upper portion of your hair.

“Yes.” You assured her. “I made that very clear.”

“Good, because if you’re uncertain about that, he’ll pick up on it. They always do.” She did not hate Sam, and she never had. She hated the way he treated you, and she hated the way he promised things he could not do for you. Brooke found the Kiszka’s just as charming as you did, and she was no stranger to the difficulties of loving them. She had a brief history with Jake after the summer of her senior year, and they broke each others hearts more than you and Sam had ever done to each other in your entire lifetime. If she told you she was going to dinner with Jake, you would likely have the same reaction. “Is Josh home, too?” Her intentional exclusion of the other twin was duly noted, but it seemed as though all three of you had no interest in calling each other on your bullshit.

“Yeah, I saw him at the bar the other night. I didn’t talk to him, but I’m sure he’d love to see you.” She gave a dry chuckle at the formal response, but she did not believe you one bit. Josh felt for her the same as she felt about Sam.

“Leave these in until you’re ready to go.” She said, clipping the last lock of hair to your head. “If you don’t, you’ll ruin them.”

“Okay.” You nodded.

“I’ll get you a nice dress.” She said, patting your shoulder as she left the room. You knew her gestures were sympathetic, but you had faith in yourself to stay strong and refuse to give in to temptation. You had to, because you feared if you allowed Sam to break your heart again, you would never recover from it. While you waited for her to come back, you put on some foundation and dusted blush across your cheeks. You applied some light eyeshadow and mascara before swiping on a thin layer of lipgloss. By the time you were finished, Brooke had long returned and was lost in chatter with your youngest sister.

You picked up the dress from the counter, inspecting it closely. It was a simple one, but stunning nonetheless. You were grateful for her charitable contribution to your not-date, and you disappeared into your room to change. When you joined them in the bathroom, you held your arms out by your side as if to ask them what they thought. “You look beautiful.” Ellie gushed, always supporting you no matter if your decision was stupid or not.

“Thank you.” You breathed, beginning to unclip the curls from your head. When all of the pins were discarded in their place, you combed your fingers through the strands of hair and sprayed a touch of hairspray to keep it in place. Just as you set the can down, you heard your mother calling your name from the bottom of the stairs. Your heart sped as the anxiety began to creep back in. Ellie took to the closet, throwing a bottle of perfume at you, and Brooke searched a drawer for deodorant. As much as your sisters got on your nerves, they were your best friends in the whole world, and you knew that they would always have your back. When you were certain you were ready, you rushed to your room to grab a jacket and your purse. The other two met you in the hallway, ready to see you off.

“Have fun.” Ellie grinned.

“Be safe.” Brooke warned. “And smart.”

“I will.” You took a deep breath, trying to settle the shaking of your hands and your restless head.

“Can I come and say hi?” Ellie asked, hoping for a yes. She missed Sam, but not enough to overstep your boundaries. You couldn’t blame her for wanting to see him; he’d been nothing short of an older brother to her for years.

“F’course, bug.” You looked to Brooke, wondering if she would join. With a reluctant nod, she silently told you she’d follow. With little courage and a lot of heart, you took a step towards the stairs. You could hear joyful chatter sound from the kitchen, knowing that your mother had likely trapped Sam in an unavoidable conversation. When you stepped foot on the ground floor and peeked your head into the room, Sam seemed to immediately feel your presence. He looked to the stairs, giving you a smile that instantly warmed your heart and sent your stomach into a flurry of butterflies. You broke your stare from him, already regretting your decision to go out with him. A simple shared gaze from Sam was more powerful than anything from another, and you were slowly realizing that his hook was just as deep in your skin as it was the last time you saw him.

“You didn’t tell me you were going out with Sam, y/n!” Your mother scolded, but her tone was light. She was elated to see him, and despite your years of tortuous love, she still adored him like he was her very own son.

“My apologies, I’ll be sure to put out a flyer next time.” You said, trying to keep your humour alive despite the fear brooding over your head. You took a step closer to Sam, and the cloud of despair only seemed to grow larger. He was dressed in nice clothes, clearly just as anxious about the night as you were. When you were close enough that you could catch the scent of his cologne, you nearly fell to your knees in grief.

Sam Kiszka had never been just a friend, and he never would be. Before he even said a word to greet you, you were head over heels for him the same as you were all those years ago.

“You look nice.” You mustered the strength to speak, your eyes glued to his face as if it were the force that held you to the earth. You feared if you looked away, you would float away and descend into nothing.

“So do you, Rapunzel.” He extended his arm, drawing you in even closer. You accepted the gesture, melting into his touch as he wrapped you in a hug. It was the nicest interaction the two of you had since your duly cold reunion. When you pulled away, a part of you ached to continue the contact. Your body had been longing for him since you left him last, and now that he was within reach, you never wanted to let go.

“Hi, Sam.” Ellie cut in, a grin eating away at her face.

“Hey, bug.” He greeted her with just as much enthusiasm. “You’re all grown up now.”

“So are you.” She shrugged, chuckling at his surprise.

“Come here.” He beckoned her towards him for a hug, which she accepting happily. “How’s school going?”

“It’s high school.” She said, not knowing any better way to describe it.

“A little birdie told me that you’re the captain of the volleyball team?” He raised an eyebrow at her, curious to hear it from herself.

“I am.” She nodded, enthusiastic about the fact.

“That’s awesome, El. I know you’re going to do a great job.”

“Thank you,” she breathed, happy for the recognition.

“As much as I’d like to stay at talk all night, we’ve got a dinner reservation to make.” Sam said, casting a sideways glance at you. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, slipping your jacket over your shoulders.

“Don’t be a stranger, dear. We’d love to see you again.” Your mom said, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder.

“Of course.” He agreed. “It was great seeing you again.”

“Oh, you too.” She sighed, reminiscing on the younger days when you and Sam were too little to get yourselves into any trouble. “Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, mom. Love you.” You cut the conversation short, moving towards the door. Sam was close behind you, allowing you to slip your shoes on before he moved any further. When you looked over your shoulder at him, letting him know that you were ready to go, he made a move to open the door for you.

When you broke out into the cool evening air, you were brought back to reality with a ferocious sense of fear. The bubble of momentary bliss that came from having Sam around you and your family was so intense that it allowed you to forget about everything else. His arms wrapped around you felt so good that you were willing to overlook every injustice that he’d committed since the very beginning of time. As he opened the car door for you, you hesitated as you got in. Even if it was nice to be around him again, you were unsure if you were ready to deal with the consequences if the night ended poorly. Loving Sam was a dream come true, but being heartbroken over him was worse than any other pain in the world.

Sam Kiszka would be the death of you, and the small town of Frankenmuth would serve as a catalyst for the bitter end. For some reason, you were stuck believing it to be the other way around. You were not ready to accept that Sam was your vice, and not your childhood home that housed all of the hurt behind the walls. The house held what he had caused, but it was easier to blame the inanimate rather than the beating heart that moved in time with your own. He was the one thing that was impossible to give up, and on your deathbed you would still be clutching the memories with a fervor that none could understand.

“I’m happy you agreed to have dinner with me.” His sweet tone pulled you from your internal struggle, drawing your eyes towards his face and cementing your body to the seat below you.

Dinner was definitely not going to be platonic, nor had the agreement ever been reached with the intent of friendliness. You were both head over heels for each other and were hoping to relieve the happiest days of your lives while ignoring the worst of them.

“I am, too.” You whispered, begging your eyes to look at anything other than him.

“I was scared you might change your mind.” He confessed, both of his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly to ensure one would not find its place on your thigh. It was so easy to fall into routine with you; easier than falling asleep, and it was as dangerous as certain death. As badly as you feared getting hurt, he feared doing the hurting just as much. It was the worst curse in the world to only know how to cause harm to the person you only ever wanted to love, and it seemed like he was stuck with it. For him to blindly rekindle the love without first acknowledging the mistakes he made was reckless, and he wanted to show you he had changed.

“I’m surprised I didn’t.” You mumbled, finally freeing your stare from his face. You ran your fingers across the hem of your dress, mindlessly busying your hands so you couldn’t reach out to grab his own. The two of you were so similar, and the strength in which you felt for each other had never diminished.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” He shrugged, trying to keep his eyes on the road. It was hard when you were sat next to him, because you were the only thing he wanted to look at. “Thank you for giving me a chance.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” You said, looking out at the streetlights illuminating the dark roads. “It wasn’t for charity.”

“That’s good, I guess.” He chuckled, turning the stereo up ever so slightly. Your eyes flickered to the display, a fizzle of excitement growing in your chest. A small smile graced his lips, noticing the moment just the same as you did.

“Did you play this on purpose?” You accused, but the sparkle in your eye told you it was all playful.

“It’s the radio, Rapunzel.” He laughed. “I’m not smart enough to plan ahead that much.” You reached over, turning the dial up a few more notches.

“Sing it with me?” You asked, hopeful that he would agree.

“Always.” He assured you, his heart pounding against his rib cage as he anticipated the lyrics.

“Come a little bit closer,

Hear what I have to say” his soft brown eyes were staring straight into your soul as he sang. His fingers nervously danced over the fretboard, vibrating with fear but continuing with hopes of pleasing you.

“Just like children sleepin’

We can dream this night away

But there’s a full moon risin’

Let’s go dancing in the light

We know where the music’s playin’

Let’s go out and feel the light” he took a shaky breath as he prepared himself for the chorus.

“Because I’m still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I’m still in love with you

On this harvest moon” you sang softly alongside him, adoration radiating from you and enveloping him in a cloud of comfort. He slowed his playing to a near stop, only the distant hum of the strings reminding you he’d been playing at all.

“Did you learn that just for me, Sammy?” You asked, your fifteen year old self never before being on the recieving end of such a romantic gesture.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, nodding his head. His eyes were still focused on his hands, almost afraid to look up at you. “It’s stupid, I know, but it’s your favourite.”

“It’s not stupid,” you shook your head, appalled that he would even think that “it was beautiful.”

“I’m glad you like it.” He breathed, finally finding the strength to meet your eyes. “I begged Jake to teach it to me. It was supposed to be a surprise for your birthday, but I couldn’t wait. I don’t know all of it, but I promise I’ll keep learning.”

“You’re the best, Sam.” You smiled, reaching out to cup his cheek in your hand.

“I love you, Rapunzel.”

“I love you more.”

God, how you wished it wasn’t true.

You were tired of living a lifetime where you always loved him more than he loved you.

By the time the song drew to a close, tears were prickling your eyes as your heart broke at the years of memories tied intricately to the song. He looked over at you, his eyes also damp with sorrowful reminiscence. “I haven’t listened to that song in a long time.” You confessed, a sad laugh sounding over the static hum of the radio.

“It reminds me of you every time I hear it.” He said, his eyes back on the road. It was not to ensure safety, but rather because he could not bear to look at you any longer without breaking down.

“Me too. That’s why I can’t listen to it anymore.” You bit down on the inside of your lip, stopping it from quivering from the tears begging to fall. “It’s still my favourite.”

“Mine too.” He said, pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. “Maybe it was a sign, Princess.”

“Maybe so.” You sighed, swiping away any evidence of sadness that slipped onto your cheeks. “Guess we’ll never know for sure.” You hoped to god that he secretly planned the whole ordeal, mostly because it was too hard to digest the truth that the universe would always force you two back together.

“Maybe it’s better that way.” He offered, parking the car and turning it off. You hated to disagree, but you knew better than anyone that the uncertain was always more painful than certainty. That was exactly why your relationship with him hurt so much. You never knew how it would end, or if it would end for good. Your entire story with Sam ended on a cliffhanger, and you did not know if your heart could handle another one. “You want to go inside?”

“Yeah, sure.” You nodded, unbuckling your seatbelt. When you stepped outside, your bones were nearly aching from the cold air. Sam joined you by your side, wrapping an innocent arm around your shoulders to preserve any heat for you.

The outside of the small restaurant was covered in Christmas lights, all caked with a light layer of fluffy snow. Warm, yellow hues poured from the windows, inviting you inside with the promise of comfort. The open sign was flashing blues and reds at you, but the bulbs of the ‘O’ had blown out. You knew it would never be replaced; instead, it would be kept hanging and turned on (even in the darkness of the earliest hours, because someone always forgot to turn it off) until the very last light died. Even then, you were certain they would keep it there forever.

It was the fanciest restaurant on the downtown strip, but fancy in accordance to small town standards was nothing to call home about. The interior was nicely decorated, and the food tasted great (even if it was a bit pricey). They served good wine and had friendly staff, and you were content with his choice. He’d taken you here once before on a date, and you could recall it being quite enjoyable. Then again, time spent with Sam was most often spent happily.

He opened the door for you, allowing you inside first. When the door shut with a heavy thud behind you, he guided you towards the main room. He stopped at the front desk, letting the hostess know you were there for the 6:30 reservation. She grabbed two menus from her stack and guided you towards a secluded corner booth. You slipped off your jacket and placed it beside you as you sat down, watching as Sam did the same. They waitress asked if she could start you off with any beverages, in which you quickly asked for a glass of wine. Sam settled on water, knowing that he’d be driving you home. When she walked off to retrieve your drinks, Sam finally allowed himself to settle his focus solely on you.

“Josh and Jake are begging me to bring you over tonight.” He admitted, taking a quick look over the menu. “They miss you like crazy.”

“I miss them,” you chuckled, doing just the same. “Tell them they can always call me.”

“I think they’re worried about overstepping.” He explained. “Jake never really forgave himself for everything that went down.”

“It wasn’t Jake’s fault.” You said, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion.

“I know that, but you know what he’s like.” He said, a grimace crossing his face. “He thinks that because he invited you, he hurt you, too.”

“He’s an idiot.” You rolled your eyes. “I’ll have to go and see him, just to set the record straight.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged “he loves you just as much as I do. Just hurt him to see you hurting.”

“Tell him to blame it on his stupid brother.” You joked, sending him a smile, but he didn’t return it.

“He did that too, don’t worry.” He assured you. “They were pretty angry with me for a long time. I deserved every minute of it, but I don’t want you to think that they let me get away with it.”

“Oh,” you whispered, unsure of where to go from there. Part of you was happy that he received some sort of punishment for his behaviour, yet you felt guilty that they did so on your behalf and you never tried to stay in contact with them. There was a part of you that felt like you weren’t allowed to, that they were off limits and your relationship was only allowed to exist with them when you had one with Sam. Now that you thought about it, you realized how stupid you were for thinking so. The three other boys had been your friends for just as long as Sam had been, and you had punished them for a crime they did not commit. “I’ll definitely have to set that record straight, then.” He gave a solemn nod, pained at the memory of the look on your face that night. “Let’s put the sad stuff to the side, yeah? We came here to have fun, so let’s do that.”

“Yeah, okay.” He agreed, smiling at the waitress as she dropped off your drinks. “Is school considered a fun topic?”

“Depends; don’t ask me about my finals.” You joked, sipping at your wine.

“Noted.” He laughed. “How’s your classes, then?”

“Good.” You replied, still pondering your choice of dinner. “I took the big step and dived into poetry this semsester. Did you know that there’s so much to learn about writing pieces that take twenty seconds to read?”

“Yeah, it’s crazy.” He chuckled. “Poetry and music are pretty similar, right?”

“Yeah, I mean poems are basically songs waiting to be sung.” You agreed. “I wanted to wait until the end of my degree to get into it. Poetry’s always been my favourite, but it’s a lot to tackle. To me, it’s the hardest out of all the courses I’ve taken. I think it’s because it’s so emotionally taxing. The symbolism and the figurative language is really hard to perfect.”

“Harder than Shakespeare?” He raised an eyebrow, recalling his blatant distaste for the high school English courses that prided all of Shakespearean literature.

“I like Shakespeare, Sam. Not everyone hates it.” You reminded him. He raised his hand in surrender, showing you he wouldn’t argue it. “I only have three more classes to finish next semester, then the degree is in my hand.”

“You must be really excited.” He said, shaking his head in disbelief that time had stolen so much from him.

“I am, but not as much as I am scared.” You admitted. “I’m an adult now, and I have to get out into the world. I’m happy to have accomplished what I have, but I’m terrified at the same time.”

“This world has always turned just for you, Rapunzel. You have nothing to be afraid of.” He mumbled, his eyes falling to the table to hide the blatant love he held for you in his gaze.

“I used to say that about you, Sam.” You hummed, silently begging for him to look up at you. “The world can’t turn for the two of us.”

“It can.” He assured you, his gaze flickering back towards your face. “It has before, and it still can.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think that you were asking me to try again.” You said, noticing your wine glass was nearly empty. You made it a point to place it further away from you so you wouldn’t continue to give in to the temptation.

“I’m always asking you to try again.” He chuckled. “Even if it is indirectly.”

“That would defeat the whole point of a friendly dinner, would it not?” You questioned, leaning back in the booth as you studied his face. He was so different; the version of Sam sat before you was different from what you’d always known. He was older, and maturity graced his features. In his eyes, there was emotions that you weren’t able to place. His mind was different, too, even if you had a hard time to imagine it. When he spoke to you, the boyish humour and mannerisms seemed to disappear. He was replaced with a man that could only be described as a familiar stranger, and it hurt to see it. There was so much to be discovered, and so many forgotten feelings you were desperate to remember. You wanted to know him in all of the ways you once did and even beyond that. Not knowing Sam completely killed you, and you weren’t sure if you could survive another minute of it.

“It would.” He nodded. “That’s why I didn’t bring it up first.”

“So you were hoping I would?” You pressed, folding the edge of your napkin over itself to distract yourself from the thud of your heart against your chest.

“I’ve been hoping for two years that you would ask me to try again, even if I knew that it was never going to happen.” He was not shy to admit that he hadn’t moved on, nor had he ever tried. Even if the world seemed to work against you both, he knew that there was nobody that could compare to you. The love you gave him was sacred, better than anything he’d ever felt before, and he would go to the ends of the earth to feel it again. Before you could respond, the waitress returned to take your order.

When she went on her way, the air was filled with an uncomfortable silence. You did not know how to proceed, nor did you want to. Instead, you did what you knew best: avoiding the imminent elephant in the room with everything you had in you.

“How’s living in Nashville?” He watched you, stunned at your eagerness to move on from the topic at hand. He knew that you weren’t interested in rekindling any old flames, yet he thought you would at least want to talk about it.

“It’s good.” He cleared his throat, nodding as he spoke. “It’s lonely, but it’s good. It’s hard being away from home, but I’ve got my brothers there with me.”

“I never really felt that way.” You shrugged. “I guess maybe for a little while, but I was so glad to get out of here that I forgot to miss it.”

“Did you forget to miss me?” He was pushing his limits, seeing how far you would let him go before you put a stop to it.

“No,” you picked up your glass, realizing that intoxication was your best shot at making it through the night without any hateful comments. “I missed you more than I care to admit, but it wasn’t a happy feeling. It was bitter and resentful, but I certainly didn’t forget to miss you.” You swallowed down the last of the liquid, placing the cup down with a bit more force than intended. “Sorry, Sam.” You sighed. “I’m trying, I really am.” You promised.

“I know.” He said, chuckling at your inability to remain harsh. “Maybe that’s what we need.” He theorized.

“What?”

“You need to get it all out.” He said, giving you a smile. “You’ve been holding on to it for too long, and it’s killing you. Tonight is about moving on, so do it.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m following.” You let out a laugh, confused about his intent.

“Tell me everything you’ve ever wanted to say. Be as mean as you want. I’ll sit here, I’ll listen, and I’ll take it. God knows I deserve it.”

“I can’t do that.” You shook your head. “The past is the past, Sam.”

“Clearly it’s not living in the past. It haunts you every single day.” He leaned in a little closer, drawing your attention even further. “You deserve this, y/n.”

“Fine, you want me to tell you how I feel?” You asked, looking around to survey if there was anyone else within earshot. When the coast appeared clear, you flagged down the waitress to order two more glasses of wine. “I’ll tell you exactly how I feel, but you don’t get to be upset about it. You never get to throw it back in my face, and you never get to say that I was being too harsh. You asked for it, and I’ll give it, but you don’t get to go back on your word.”

“Pinky promise, princess. Those are sacred, remember?”

“Pinky promise it so it’ll last forever.” You raised your hand to him, holding out the digit while you awaited his response.

“What?” He laughed, looking at your hand with curiosity.

“You said we’ll be together forever, so pinky promise it. They’re sacred, Sam. You know that.”

“I do.” He nodded, raising his hand and intertwining his finger with yours. “I’d pinky promise you forever, Rapunzel, because I’ll never want anything more than you.”

You recoiled at his words as if he’d struck you across the face. Just as you did, your beverages were placed in front of you and the intruder was gone in an instant. “That. That’s exactly what I mean.” You snapped. “That’s why it’s so hard to love you, Sam. You walk back in my life after two years of fucking misery, and you remind me of all of these little things I’ve been begging myself to forget.” You hissed, furious that he would even bring that up. “You pinky promise to love me for the rest of my life, and you fuck it up, every time. You say that I’m your soulmate, and that I’m the only thing you want, but sometimes it feels like I’m the last thing you want.”

“Y/n-“

“No, you said I can say whatever’s on my mind.” You snapped, cutting him off. “I have loved you for my entire life. Sometimes it feels like loving you is the only thing I know how to do, or that it’s the very reason why I was put on this earth. I have given you my entire heart and soul, and I have loved you like my life depended on it since the minute I met you. I don’t think it’s brash of me to say that I was allowed to expect you to do the same.”

“It’s not, y/n.”

“The first time you broke my heart, I was devastated. I thought the world was ending. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep; I spent every single night sleeping in Ellie’s bed because I was too upset to sleep in my own. I let you come back, I forgave you and decided it was for the best to move on, and then you did it again!” You smacked your palm against the table, all of the anger coursing through your veins too strong to keep locked inside. “I swore I was done, and I promised myself that I would never let you hurt me like that again. When we went to prom, I had to beg myself not to fall for you again. Then you showed up with your stupid smile and your pretty eyes, and I fell in love without even knowing it. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but you’re also the worst. You’re like an addiction that I can’t kick, and I want to hate you so much that it makes me hate myself for feeling something so vile.” You chugged down the liquid in the newest glass in front of you, feeling the sting of tears in your eyes.

“The third time, I was convinced that it was forever. It was so different from anything that came before, and it was the longest that we had ever loved each other without hurting. I was planning to move to Nashville just to be with you when I finished school, to put all of my plans on pause so I could watch you live your dream!” Your hands shook as you pointed a finger at him, making sure to perfectly portray your hurt. You were on display for everyone to see, your betrayal and mistrust loud and your broken heart placed in a glass box for all to witness. “I walked into that house that night with nothing but love for you in my heart. I walked down the stairs after driving for hours to surprise you. I squeezed my way through that crowd just to be greeted by your arms around another girl while she stuck her tongue down your throat. You can hate me for walking away without saying anything, because that’s well within your rights, but you do not get to blame me for how I chose to move on from it.”

“I never blamed you,” he shook his head, a grimace on his face and tears shining in his own eyes.

“I packed up whatever was left of my life into a box, and I went back to Michigan State with the intent of never stepping foot in this town ever again. I was determined to forget you, or at least to hate you enough that it overshadowed all of the love, but I couldn’t even do that. I watched your name taunt me through a phone screen every time you called, I tortured myself looking at old pictures every night, and I killed myself over and over again as I replayed every tear filled apology left on my answering machine. Your memory has plagued me for years, and your touch has seared into my skin so much that there’s nothing left but scar tissue, and you get to waltz back in here and hope that I’ll give in and love you again?” You asked, the notion incredulous and unsettling you to the extent of insanity. “You see me at the bar, and you think you have the right to speak to me? You show up at my house and expect me to let you inside? And then you have enough nerve to ask me to dinner and hope that I end up in your bed?”

He had nothing to say. Instead, his head was pointed towards the table as the weight of your confession began to crush him.

“Is it a game to you, Sam? Is it fun to lead me on and let me go? Like fishing, a catch and release? You only want me until the thrill wears off?”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” He snapped, finally unable to withstand any more. “I have loved you just as much as you’ve loved me, for my entire life. You can accuse me of whatever you want, but you don’t get to accuse me of not loving you, y/n. I love you so much that it hurts, and it hurts me even more to know that I didn’t know how to love you right.” You sipped at your wine, washing the bitter taste from your mouth as he spoke.

“How else am I supposed to feel?” You rolled your eyes, finding his rebuttal weak. “You can’t say that you love me, then act completely different and expect me to believe you. Maybe I’m the idiot because I keep coming back, but I can’t walk away unless you let me go. This constant back and forth is going to kill us, and we owe it to ourselves to let go, Sam.”

“I can’t let you go, y/n, but you don’t get that. You just see me as the monster who wants to hurt you. We were kids when we fell in love. We loved each other without even knowing what that meant. I fucked up, and I’ll admit to that every day for the rest of my life, but I have never had intent to cause you harm.” He put his face in his hands, trying to wipe away the stress in his features. “It’s been two years. I live in a new city, and I have an entirely different life, but I still can’t seem to forget what it feels like to have you in bed next to me. I wanted to let you go, because part of me knows that it’s what’s best for you, and you deserve the peace after so much pain, but I just can’t do it. I saw you at that bar and I knew that we were there for a reason. Don’t you think after two years of nothing but silence, we should have made some progress? That we shouldn’t be this hung up on each other when we’ve been trying so hard to get over each other?”

For the first time since you arrived, you were too stunned to speak. There was no argument in your mind, because you knew he was right.

“I hate you, Sam. I hate you so much that it makes my head spin and my chest ache.” You muttered. “I’ve spent the last two years wishing I never met you.”

“I don’t blame you for feeling that way.” He whispered, trying to catch your eyes. “But I love you, Rapunzel. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I'm afraid that if I let you walk away, I’ll wonder what life would have been like with you until the day I die.”

“I love you, Sammy.” You bit down on your lip, hiding the quiver that was taking hold. “I love you more than I could ever hate you, and that’s why it’s so hard for me.” You wiped away the tears littering your cheeks. “Every time I try to forget, I only ever seem to remember more. I will love you until the day I die, and I’ll still look for you even after death.”

“I’ve changed, Princess. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s okay, but you have to know that I’m not that person anymore. When I watched you walk away for what I thought was the last time, I knew I needed to be better, and not just for you, but for me. I can’t live my entire life hurting the people I love. When I saw you at the bar, I thought that maybe all of that work was for a bigger reason, and I finally had the chance to make up for everything that I’d done wrong. I couldn’t let you walk away without trying. I still can’t let you walk away without trying, so that’s what I’m doing. It’s not a sick game, it’s not a trick; I love you more than anything else in this world, and I know I always will.”

“God, we can’t do this again.” You shook your head, swallowing back a sob. He reached out, taking your hands in his. You hated that it immediately soothed you, the touch more comforting than anything you’d felt in the last two years of your life.

“We can’t, or you won’t?”

“Both! I don’t know, Sam. I don’t know anything! I came here tonight certain that I’d walk away with a clear head, but it’s only gotten worse. I thought I just wanted to be friends, but I know that when it comes to you, it will always be more.” You sighed.

“Look at me.” He pleaded, reaching out to guide your chin upwards. Your eyes connected with his, the tension between you two nearly too much to withstand. “I don’t know, either, but I do know that I have always loved not knowing anything with you by my side. I don’t need to know anything else, because when you’re around, it all makes sense.”

“Stop it,” you shook your head, but it was weak. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You are.” You scolded, but you could feel a smile begging to break free despite your sorrow. Even when it was painful, there always seemed to be a part of Sam that made everything better.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He grinned, happy to see a spark of your old self still remaining inside your eyes.

“Stop,” you warned, holding back a laugh. “We’ve already made enough of a scene in the restaurant. They’re never going to let us back in here.”

“F’course they will. They need the business. Plus, it’s probably the most exciting thing they’ve seen all month.”

“You’re terrible.” You scolded, a giggle stuck in your throat.

“You love it.”

“I do.” You hummed, already in too deep to back away. His claws were deep, and you were too blind to notice the pain that stemmed from it. The temporary euphoria was too strong to resist.

“I'd like to kiss you, Rapunzel.” He whispered, his eyes locked with your own. “If that’s okay with you.”

“I don’t think it’ll matter either way.”

“Only if you want me to, y/n.” You took in a long breath, unsure of where to go from there. After a moment, you gave a weak nod against the hold of his hand.

“I do, Sam.”

Not even the slightest hint of hesitation was in sight, and within seconds, he leaned across the table and his lips found your own.

It was not earth shattering in any sense. There were no sparks flying nor an eruption of butterflies, but it was familiar, and god was it comfortable. It seemed as though it was the very thing your body had been yearning for, and suddenly, the world seemed right again. The ache in your chest subsided, and the emptiness that haunted you was filled with so much love that it began overflowing. You didn’t care that you were engaged in a blatant public display of affection, and you did not care that you were both uncomfortably laying across the wooden tabletop to engage in the aforementioned activity. The only thing that mattered was Sam, and he was the only thing that had ever mattered in your twenty-three years of living. Even when he was hurting you, and even when you were miles away, your heart only ever wanted him.

When he pulled away, the grief from the separation nearly brought tears to your eyes. You had missed him so much that you weren’t sure you could handle missing him again, even if it was superficial compared to what you had been feeling for the last two years. He looked over your face, the same type of yearning you felt for him. In that moment, you knew that all of what he said to you had to be true, because it was impossible to fake the emotion showing in his eyes.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He asked, still dangerously close to your face.

“Yes, please.” You nodded, your desperation evident, but little shame was to be found. With that, he sat back in his seat, pulling his wallet from his pocket and throwing a few bills on the table to cover your drinks and the meals that had yet to be served. He slid out of the booth, jacket in hand as he reached an arm out to you. You laced your fingers through his, grabbing onto your purse and coat as he pulled you to your feet.

In a mess of giggles, you both put your jackets on as you rushed out the door. You didn’t even care about the food you were so excited for, because your appetite for Sam was much more demanding. You were long overdue for a reunion, and the one you so badly wanted was not appropriate to be had inside a restaurant.

You could not even wait until you were in the car to touch him again. Before you were fully out of the restaurant, he was pulling you into his side, and before you had reached the vehicle, he had slipped an arm around your waist. He opened the door of the passenger seat for you, but before he let you climb inside, he pulled you into another kiss. It was heated, his body was pressed tightly against yours. The cold air could not even reach you, because you were too immersed in him. His hand was cupping your cheek, and his other had a firm grasp on your hip, holding you to him as if he was scared you would disappear. When you were both desperate for a full breath of air, he parted with great hesitation. He let his forehead rest on your own, not straying too far away from you in hopes that the closeness would make up for all of the lost time.

“I missed you more than you’ll ever know, Rapunzel.” He muttered, resisting the temptation to kiss you again.

“Me too,” you breathed, letting your eyes flutter closed. If you were not so aware of the effects of his searing touch, you would have believed it to be a dream. It would not be impossible for your brain to conjure such a story, mostly because you’d spent every night for the last two years dreaming to have him like this again. “We can’t go to my house. Everyone is home.” You chuckled, realizing that seclusion was near impossible with a family like yours.

“My family’s home, too. If I brought you back there, they’d never let you out of their sight.”

“We… we can go to our spot.” You said, almost reluctant to speak the memory into existence. It had been a long time since you visited, and you had already come to terms with never seeing it again.

“Okay.” He said, nearly brought to his knees by the strength in which he felt for you. He was almost surprised that you remembered it after so long, but he knew that if you felt even close to how he did, forgetting was the hardest part of living. In all of the time the two of you spent away from each other, not once could he remember what it felt like to be without you. No matter if it was years or miles separating you, the world was bleak without you by his side, and remembering with such clarity was the only thing that got him through it.

He placed another kiss on your lips, this one sweet and short-lived. He allowed you inside, and within an instant, he was in the driver's seat and the key was in the ignition.

You feared that the wine was clouding your judgment, or if the months worth of tortuous thoughts of him was driving you to make a decision that lacked any rationale, but when his hand slipped to your thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance, you knew that being with Sam was always where you were meant to be.

The drive was silent, filled by the radio singing you songs of love and longing. The lyrics, although not always about the emotions your heart was feeling, seemed to twist and morph into a perfect descriptor of the love you had for him. You hated that no matter what it was, whether it be a song, a poem, a movie, or a couple sitting next to you on the bus, it was impossible not to see a picture of you and Sam, love struck and completely lost within each other. He was the whole world, and you just lived in it, begging him to be kind to you so you did not have to face any more tragedy.

He pulled on to a little dirt road, so secluded that the street lamps could not even penetrate the darkness. The headlights of the car did little for your visibility, but he had no fear of finding the place he’d missed so deeply. He would find his way back to it bloody and blindfolded, because it was the only spot where his heart truly felt at home. From the main road, there was a small cut off in the tree line. It was a trail so easily missed by those who weren’t looking, and it had quickly become your favorite hideaway. At the end of the narrow trail sat an opening. There was a plateau, dirt covered in a thin layer of snow that was fenced in by an old, rust eaten guard rail. Beyond the weathered metal was a plethora of trees that bordered the sky, and a clear view of the busy streets down below.

If you could go back in time and thank the curious teenage version of yourself for finding it, you believed even that would not be enough.

He parked the car and let it idle, fearful that the cold might claw its way into the comfortable bubble you’d grown inside of the vehicle. He looked to you, admiring your face that was illuminated by the extremely minimal daylight still hanging on to the bottom of the sky. The moon was overhead, the white glow casting a serene aura over the two of you.

“You know, I always said that I would ask you to marry me, here.” Sam whispered, wanting to look out at the breathtaking beauty of the landscape, but his eyes were glued on you. In truth, he knew that whatever lied outside the car window had minimal impact compared to the sight of your face.

“Don’t get any ideas, Kiszka.” You warned. Still, as you looked over at him with just as much adoration, you knew that if the words tumbled past his lips in a mess of anxious thoughts, you would say yes before he could even finish his sentence.

That was the horrendous thing about loving Sam; no matter how much he hurt you, or how long it had been since you were last with him, you always loved him just the same.

“You deserve more than a spur of the moment proposal.” He assured you, but did not deny the fact that he would still ask you to marry him given the chance.

“You don’t have to sweet talk me anymore; you already got me here.” You were captivated by his stare, unable to look at or think of anything else. The night was a whirlwind, and you had no idea how you ended up in such a position, yet there was a small part of you that knew long before you got in the car that you would end up immersed in him sooner or later.

“I’m not saying it to get what I want,” he said, pushing his seat all the way back. “I’m saying it because I want to, and because it’s true.” He extended his arm out to you, an invitation that you could not refuse. With his help, he guided you across the console and into his lap.

“You always know just what to say to get me to fall in love with you.” You said, raising a gentle hand to his cheek. As your fingers ghosted over the skin, you were struck with a type of longing that you could not even begin to comprehend. He was the same person who sat below you all of those years ago, with the same bumps and scars on his cheeks that nobody else had ever cared enough to notice. He had the same love in his eyes, and the same familiar scent that you could only ever describe as home. He was older, and so were you, but you were still the same stupid kids who fell too deeply in love.

“Why is it always my fault? Maybe I’m not doing anything at all and you just love me, Rapunzel, and you don’t want to admit it.”

“It’s easier to blame you than to admit that after all this time, I still feel the same way about you.”

“Then I guess I should start blaming you too, then.” He reached up, tucking a strand of your curled hair behind your ear. The night casted a dark shadow over your face, but not even the night could diminish the glow of your beauty. To him, nothing could ever outshine it. “I love you, y/n, and I never stopped loving you. I tried, but it’s impossible. This world is only worth living in if I get to love you.”

“All that song writing seems to have turned you into a sap.” You teased, but you couldn’t deny the swell of your heart as he spoke.

“I think it’s just you.” He admitted, his hand resting on your hip as he drew your face closer to his own. “All of those songs that I wrote always seem to come right back to you, Princess. You’re in everything I do, even if you don’t want to be. I can’t help it, and I can’t seem to stop.”

“Right now, I don’t want you to stop.” You chuckled. “I spent all of that time wondering why I couldn’t get over you, and why it was so easy for you. Maybe we’ve just gotten really good at pretending.”

“Maybe I’d make a good actor too, because nothing about these last two years have been easy, except for this part. It’s always easy with you, and it’s always been easy loving you. I just wish that I wasn’t so stupid, and I wish that I knew how to do it better, back then. You didn’t deserve a single thing that happened, and it kills me to know that I hurt the person who was willing to give me the world.”

“Shut up.” You shook your head. “I don’t want this to be sad. This isn’t supposed to be sad.”

“Okay,” he agreed, nodding as you spoke. “No more sad.” You gave him a half-smile. It was all your brain could muster as you watched his face, too enthralled in the small detail that you’d missed so much. Even after spending so many days denying it, you wanted this version of you to know that version of him, even if it may not last. You thought it was a shame for any version of you to not know him, and vice versa, because after so long spent loving someone, you felt cheated to miss out on any of it.

You leaned down, kissing him softly as your fingers laced with his hair. His hand tightened on you ever so slightly, showing you that your advance was welcome. You knew that even if the two of you sat there all night and never went any further, he would be just as happy. He never expected anything more than you were willing to give, and it was one of the very things that made him so unforgettable. But, you had been deprived of his touch for too long, and denying yourself any gratification was out of the question. You needed him more than you needed water, and you knew that the desperation was shared between you.

As his teeth sunk into your bottom lip with great caution, your hips grinded against his growing erection. It was a response that was automatic, and it sometimes felt as though your body would constantly be in search of his own. His hands moved to your thighs, his fingers snaking their way under the skirt of your dress and hiking it all the way up to your navel. Without breaking the kiss, his hands found your ass, pulling you down on him with a little more force every time your hips made a move of their own.

“God, I missed having you like this.” He muttered against your lips, nearly in euphoria just from the small movements.

“Me too,” You sighed, just as far gone as he was. “I thought about this every night.” You admitted, which was no lie. After the anger passed and the ache of missing him subsided, you often thought of his hands on you and his lips on your skin. Sam was your biggest guilty pleasure in every sense of the statement.

“Yeah?” He let his eyes flutter to your hips, nearly crazed by the thought of what was to come next. “Every night?”

“Every night.” You confirmed, uncaring about the blatant desperation laced in your words. You didn’t care if he knew how badly you wanted him, and you didn’t care if he knew how often you dreamed of it. Sex with him was the best you’d ever had, and even on the rare occasions that you’d find yourself with company for the night, you were still thinking of him. When the door closed behind the men you cared little about, it was Sam's face pictured so clearly in your mind as you made quick work at getting yourself off. He was the only one who ever knew how to do it, and he was the only person in the world who could make you feel this good.

“You had nobody to take care of you all this time?” He crooned, his eyes crossed with stars at the idea of you still needing him so badly.

“No one is as good as you.” You knew you shouldn’t be inflating his already too-large ego, but you couldn’t help it. It was so easy to want to please him, and even easier to do it.

“So you had no one to do it right.” He corrected, his jaw clenched tightly at the thought of someone else’s hands on you. He knew his jealousy was misplaced, and you being with other people was only a direct consequence of his own actions, but it still stung. Instead of punishing you for it, he knew that the only thing he could do was prove himself to you once again. “You poor little thing.” He sympathized, reaching one hand between your legs to relieve the ache that was steadily growing. You leaned back slightly, making the position a little more comfortable for both of you. His fingers ran over your clothed cunt, the action sending a shiver down your spine. You needed him so desperately that you weren’t sure you could wait a second longer. “This is what you need, baby?” He asked, his voice low and his eyes fixated on his hand.

“Fuck, yes.” You muttered, watching him watch you. His pleasure ridden expression was almost too much to bear, and you knew that nobody else in the world would be so pleased with pleasing you.

“Okay, angel.” He hummed, adding a little bit more pressure to his touch. “I’ll give you what you want, but I think we have some catching up to do.” He said, his eyes flickering to your face.

“What do you mean?” Your words were breathy, and you were barely focused on anything he was saying. The only thing you could think of was his hand between your legs and how long you’d waited to feel it again.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, Princess. There’s lots that I missed out on.” He explained, his fingers pulling the fabric of your underwear to the side to allow himself access to you. “I’ll keep touching you as long as you keep talking to me.” You wanted to protest, knowing Sam well enough to know that his antics were not going to be as fun for you as they were for him, but as his fingers slid through your arousal and traced over your clit, you were willing to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. “Does that sound okay?”

“O-okay,” you stuttered, already lost in the feeling of his touch.

“Good,” he hummed, carefully inspecting your expression as he continued his movements. You were irresistible to him, and he was just as much of a fool for you as you were for him. “So you’ve had no one to take care of you all this time?” He asked, the pad of his finger circling around your clit with a steady pace.

“No,” you let out a shaky breath, overwhelmed by the feeling.

“You’re telling me nobody knows how to treat her right?” His middle finger slid down towards your entrance, waiting to go any further until you responded.

“No, Sam.” You shook your head, placing your arm on the seat to brace yourself upright.

“Tell me what you did instead.” He said, locking his eyes with your own.

“W-what?” You stuttered, shocked at the filthy question. You had grown, and that was for certain, and even for a moment, he felt like he was having sex with an entirely different person. Then, your eyes would catch his own, or you would stumble over your words and your cheeks would dust red with a blush, and he knew that you were still the exact same woman he fell in love with so long ago.

“You said that nobody knows how to take care of you, so I want you to tell me what you did instead.” He repeated, slipping one digit inside of you. You let out a hiss of pleasure as your head fell backwards in bliss. “Tell me exactly what you did, sweet girl.”

“O-oh, god.” You groaned, feeling the familiar pressure pulsing in your stomach. If he wanted to play dirty, you could, too. “After I kicked them out, I locked the door behind them and turned off all the lights.” Your voice was weak, but he was listening intently. “Sometimes, I’d even light a candle or throw on some music.”

“Mhm,” he prompted you to continue, his eyes steadily flickering from your face down to your cunt.

“Then I’d get into bed, and I would make sure I was really comfortable. I’d close my eyes, and I’d think of you. I’d remember how good it felt when your hands were touching me, how nice it felt when your lips were kissing me.” Your breath hitched in your throat as he added another finger to you. “What I thought about the most was your tongue, and your head between my legs, and how much you loved to be there. I thought about how good it felt, and it would get me so bothered that I had to slip my fingers between my legs and touch myself while I thought about it.” He let out a groan, his eyes squeezing shut at the sound of your obscene story. He added his thumb to the mix, letting it brush over your clit with every pump of his fingers. The stimulation was fantastic, and he could tell you were getting close. As he felt you clench around his hands, he recalled all of the other times he’d made you cum the exact same way.

“Such a bad girl,” he let out a disapproving tsk “getting off to me after having someone else in your bed.”

“I had to, Sammy.” You pleaded with him, but you were unsure why you felt the need to defend yourself. “They couldn’t do it right. They couldn’t do it like you.”

“I know, baby.” He sympathized. “Nobody knew how to make my sweet girl feel good. That’s not your fault.” He assured you. “But, I need to hear you say it before I make you feel good, Princess.” You knew what he wanted, and you were almost willing to give it to him. You were so close to an orgasm that you were certain you would do absolutely anything he asked of you. You opened your eyes, first noticing the strained erection against his jeans. You swallowed hard, knowing that you would give anything for him to fuck you, now. You needed him so badly that you couldn’t even comprehend it. When you looked up to his face, a whimper left your lips. His eyes were blackened with lust, crazed at the thought of having you wrapped around him again. “Say it, and I’ll let you cum. I’ll treat her just how she deserves.”

“Nobody else can make me feel this good, Sam.” You let out a shaky sigh, hoping that he would be kind enough to grant you the pleasure. “You’re the only one who can do it right. I need it, baby. I need you.” His head fell back against the seat, a guttural groan tearing through his chest at the sound. He loved knowing that you were his, and you had always happily obliged to the need.

“That’s it, angel.” He was heavy on the pet names, unsure of how else to show you how much he still cared. If you still weren’t sure of it by the time the night was through, he did not know what else he could do to prove his point. “Show me how much you missed me,” he ordered. The permissive statement washed over you with a fervent intensity, and it was only seconds before you descended into the climax. Curses and moans filled the air, and his name painted the windows along with the sinful fogging of the glass. Your sin was all but written on the vehicle for everyone to see, and you had missed him so much that you could not even fathom any consequences that may come after. Your legs were shaking and you were covered in a thin layer of sweat. As you came down, he tapered his movements and withdrew once he knew he had drawn out the pleasure for as long as he could.

As you collected yourself, he undid the buckle of his belt and unzipped his jeans. “That was so fucking good, Sam.” You breathed, head still spinning with euphoria.

“Yeah?” He hummed, freeing himself from his boxers. You shifted backwards, giving him a little bit more room to work with. As you did, you bumped into the steering wheel and applied pressure to the horn. The loud honk startled you, causing you to jump in response. He let out a laugh at your mishap, finding the hiccup hilarious and perfectly fitting for the two of you.

“Are you laughing at me?” You huffed, feeling your heart still pounding against your chest.

“I’m laughing with you, Princess. There’s a difference.” He corrected, reaching out and wrapping his arm around your waist.

“Whatever,” you rolled your eyes, feeling your cheeks tinge red with embarrassment.

“Come here, honey.” He chuckled, drawing you closer to him. “You don’t ever have to be embarrassed around me. You know that.” He lined your hips up so the tip of his cock was resting against your entrance.

“I know,” you grumbled, already forgetting about the incident and only thinking of what was to come next. Without any further discussion, you lowered yourself down on him and silenced any conversation indefinitely. He let out a hiss of pleasure, the feeling taking him by surprise. A sigh of relief left your lips as you began to move, the sensation so familiar even though it had been years.

“Fuck you feel good,” he groaned, placing his hands on your hips to help you move. With every movement, he pulled you down on him even further, heightening the impact and increasing your pleasure. “I thought about you too, Princess. Every fucking night.” He admitted, moving one hand to the top of your dress to free your breasts from the fabric. “Wished that I could have you there with me so I could fuck you in every one of those fancy hotel rooms.” Your face flushed at the idea, the confession blunt, but it sent a whole different flood of arousal through you. Sam was otherworldly; no other boy in the world held a candle to him romantically or sexually. He was your whole world, the reason your heart continued to beat, and the very thing your soul searched for every minute of the day.

“I missed you so much.” You gasped, feeling the tip of his cock hit the sensitive spot he knew so well. His thumb brushed over your nipple, the soft tickle sending goosebumps across your skin. “I missed this so much.”

“Me too, Princess.” He leaned forward, capturing your nipple in his mouth. A gasp left your lips, your hips bucking against him as his tongue ran over the sensitive skin. His hand traveled to the back of your head, gathering your hair in his fist as he gently pulled your head backwards. His lips trailed upwards, his tongue gliding across your skin as he left marks to remind you of the reunion in days to come. He let his teeth sink into your collarbone, doing everything in his power to drive you over the edge. He was so deprived of you that he wished he could keep you there with him for the rest of time. He was terrified of losing you again, and some part of him believed that sex would keep you with him longer. There was no act he was unwilling to commit to keep you wrapped around him forever.

As he connected his lips with yours, your body ignited with an unfamiliar feeling. There was a fire burning within you, now, one that had long burnt out and could not be reignited by anyone other than him. All it took was one dinner and you were just as crazy for him as you were in high school. His love was a curse, a vile addiction that ravished your body with intent to leave nothing behind. He was evil, maybe not as a whole, but definitely to you. The things he made you feel were ungodly, and the ease that he had while doing so was heinous. You knew he was bad, but you couldn’t get away, and now, you didn’t even care to. His sin felt like bliss, and when with him, the euphoria was incomparable with anything else.

You were doing every single thing you swore to avoid, but it felt so good that you managed to convince yourself that this was what you wanted all along.

The two years worth of tears and agony meant nothing now that he was back in your arms. The hurt was obsolete, replaced with all of the love that was once shared between you. In that moment, you felt so good that you almost forgot every bad thing that ever happened. He was just a boy, and you were just a girl so hopelessly in love with him that you could not see him for what he truly was.

“Can you cum for me again, baby?” He asked, breaking the kiss for only a moment.

“Yeah,” you nodded, desperate for another release. You had not had an orgasm like that since the last time you were so sinfully intertwined with Sam, and you were selfishly in search of more. For once in the entire history of your relationship, you were moving with a selfish intent, and if he had to admit, it was intoxicating. To see you so crazed for pleasure and so determined to fulfill your needs was almost too much for him to handle. He was ready to come undone, and he was close to an orgasm before he even started fucking you. Pleasing you was the most pleasurable thing he’d ever done, and he would do it until the end of time if he knew it would make you happy.

“Come on, angel.” He pleaded, knowing that he could not hold on for much longer. You let out a whine, feeling the knot tighten even further. Your movements up until that point were steady, but now your hips were stuttering and your legs were shaking with the intensity of the impending climax. He reached his hand between your legs again, his fingers finding your clit in hopes of driving you over the edge. He knew you well enough to know that it would work, and within minutes, you were a mess. You could barely speak his name; your brain was rotten with impure thoughts about the man below you and what he was capable of. “That’s my girl,” he purred, moving your hips for you so you could get the most of your orgasm.

“Fuck, Sam.” You moaned, the possessive proclamation sending you into another wave of madness. As much as he enjoyed knowing that he was yours and that he was the only one who could treat you right, you were absolutely feral at the idea of being his. It felt like it was what you were put on earth for, and him, too. You were meant to be his, and he was meant to be yours, even if the world threw obstacles and challenges at you every other day. “I love you.”

The dreaded slip of words stole the air from his lungs and made his body weak.

Oh, how long he’d been waiting to hear you say it again.

He only had enough time to say it back before his orgasm came hard, sending him into the same state as you had been just seconds before. He pulled your hips down on him as he spilled his release into you, muttering curses mixed in with your name. The sound was heavenly, and you knew that there was no better one in the entire world. When you both relaxed from the excitement, he leaned back into the seat and pulled you into him. You let your forehead rest on his while hearts danced in both of your eyes. You let out a long sigh, your skin tingling with the ghost of pleasure and your body light without the stress of sexual tension in the air.

“I was hoping for it to be more romantic than this.” He admitted, letting his fingers trail over the soft skin on your thigh.

“So you were planning it?” You smirked, knowing that this had been his intent the whole time. Although you had denied it, you were secretly hoping for the same outcome.

“We’ve never been good at friends, Princess.” He reminded you, wishing he could live in the bubble of comfort for the rest of his life.

“No, we are good at being friends. We’re just not good at staying friends.” He let out a chuckle, leaning forward and pressing his lips to your own.

“You’re right. We’re not good at staying friends.” Neither of you were willing to bring up the proclamation of love, nor did you even want to. The moment was too sweet to ruin it with any talk of the future. The future always ruined the sweetness of your relationship; the uncertainty of where you would end up, whether that be someone moving away or another breakup, always seemed to dampen the mood. You did not want to think about what would happen next, because your fear was nearly paralyzing you. You wanted so badly for every moment to be this happy, but with your history, you knew it wasn’t possible.

He slowly withdrew from you, sliding your underwear back in place to contain the mess. With his help, you climbed back into your own seat. For a few moments, you both sat and stared out at the sky, unsure of what to do or say. Eventually, he slipped his hand into your own and gave it a gentle squeeze. The tightness in your chest lessened with his touch, but the fear did not dissipate.

“I should probably get home.” You whispered, your eyes fixated on the dark tree line.

“Sure, Princess.” He said, his eyes flickering towards you. He knew that vacant stare, and he knew the withdrawal all too well. He was afraid he did the exact opposite of what he intended and pushed you away for good, and he was too afraid to ask. He did not know if he would be able to handle the answer. Hesitantly, he pulled back out into the main road and began the journey to take you home.

You watched as the city passed you by, dread settled deep in your stomach the closer you got to your house. As gratifying as the sex was, you knew now in your new-found state of clarity that it was a mistake that was nearly fatal. You were so adamant about not letting Sam back in your life for a reason, and you were angry with yourself for overlooking it in exchange for momentary pleasure. You looked over at his face, pained at the sight of his beauty. He was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen, yet it was haunting, and incredibly dangerous. Loving him was easier than falling asleep, and knowing that he held so much power over you was terrifying. You wanted to believe that he would never use it against you, but history has a terrible tendency to repeat itself, especially when it came to your own.

The truth was harrowing, and it was deeply unsettling; You loved Sam so deeply, but it had always been at a cost that you could never afford. You loved Sam, but this time, you weren’t sure if you were as willing to risk your life for it as much as you were the last.

TAGLIST: @itsafullmoon @freefallthoughts @lightsofthe-living-gvf @heckingfrick @sagekiszka @clairesjointshurt @thetroublegetssoloud71 @torniturntomyarrow @dannythedog @jordie-gvf

#sam kiszka #sam gvf #gvf #jake kiszka #greta van fleet #jake gvf #danny wagner #josh gvf #gvf fic #danny gvf #sam kiszka x y/n #sam kiszka series #sam kiszka gvf #sam kiszka fic #sam kiszka blurb #sam kiszka x reader #sam kiszka smut #sam kiszka pic #gvf angst #gvf smut #gvf fluff #greta van fleet angst #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet fluff #greta van fleet smut #catch 22 #builtbybrokenbells #sammy gvf #josh kiszka #sammy kiszka

[bunniekittiee]

Liu Kang’s Guidance

A/N: This is a bit more of a serious one. It’s not an x reader. This is a vent piece. And something that maybe others are dealing with too. Sorry for the heaviness, I’m writing about what I’m feeling currently

Content Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts(?), questioning life, purpose

The waterfall splashing did not ease the anxieties nor the sadness. But it filled your mind. Enough to stop the buzzing around in it. Yet it did not bring peace like it should.

Footsteps approached, but you knew whose they were. They were very familiar. Soft, yet purposeful footsteps.

“Hey,” Liu said, taking a seat next to you. “I have been looking for you.”

“Have you?” You asked him, eyes not leaving the waterfall. Birds chirped around you both, filling the air with their songs. The trees loomed over you both. “I am sorry for wasting your time.”

“My time will never be wasted with you.” He replied with a small smile. But he knew your mind was not in this world. “What is going through your mind?”

There was a lot. A lot that needed to come out, yet you did not want him to carry your burdens. You did not like to burden others, otherwise you would have talked to Raiden or Kenshi about what was going on. “Don’t worry too much, it’s okay.”

Liu frowned. “You can tell me anything. I am here to listen to you. Especially if it will ease your mind.”

“You have a lot on your plate. You don’t need my stresses too.” You told him as you started to pull your legs close to your body. It was a way of keeping you safe. Keeping it all inside.

“If it will help you from losing yourself to the darkness of your mind, then I will share your burdens. Now, tell me. I am listening.” He said, patiently waiting for your answer.

You sighed. “Lately I have felt out of touch with myself. For the past year, I have felt like a walking zombie. I can function, but I can’t function how I would like to. Everything feels like I’m watching myself from an outsider’s point of view. Like in third person.” You explained to him. Liu Kang understood what you were saying. He too had felt like that before. “I can hardly recall memories because in those memories, it was like I was outside of my body.”

“My anxiety has worsened. It seemingly comes on out of nowhere in more recent times. And I never used to get anxiety.” You said quietly. “I’m always so tired. I get so tired during the day, to the point I can hardly keep my eyes open, but at night I can’t sleep. And when I do sleep, I can’t sleep completely without waking up a few times during the night.”

“Have you been drinking caffeine?” Liu asked.

You shook your head. “No, I cut caffeine out of my diet for the most part. Sometimes I’ll have some, but it is usually earlier in the day where it won’t affect my sleep.”

You reviewed what you had already told him in your head. He could see the gears were turning in your head. He waited for you to continue.

“I always seem happy to everyone else, but really, I am unhappy. I feel like…” You felt the lump in your throat form. “I feel like I don’t know my purpose. Or maybe, I don’t have a purpose. I haven’t fulfilled much in my life. I feel like I’ll never be able to do it. I’ll always be stuck where I’m at.”

The tears started to brim. You didn’t want to cry, but it was difficult. “I always feel like crying. I feel like crying about everything. But I always stop myself from doing so. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I carry so much stress, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t get rid of it.” A few tears started to fall. He watched with a tinge of sadness. “I feel so sad. I always feel sad. Sometimes I do have good days. And those good days are really good. But a lot of the time, I am sad. Or I am in a funk. Sometimes, I lay in bed for hours because I am unable to find the energy to get up.”

Liu put his hand on your shoulder, making the tears worsen. Your bottom lip began to tremble, but you continued on. “I keep everything to myself and I just have no place to put it at. Or let it go. I feel on edge a lot of the time. My thoughts give me anxiety. They will keep me up at night or they will make me physically ill. I get random body aches that I can never explain. And they hurt a lot.” You tried wiping away your tears, but only more appeared.

“I am lonely. I am lonely in my heart and in my head. To me, all I have is myself. I don’t like to burden others because I feel like they have been through worse. Or my pain can’t compare to theirs because theirs is bad.” You swallowed the thickening of the saliva in your throat. It was like the dam had broken. Everything was flooding out. You sniffled.

“I’m not suicidal. It has crossed my mind in the past. But not as of recently. But sometimes, I think about what if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. What if it all ended tomorrow? I wouldn’t have to battle what is going on in my head anymore. I would find the peace that I have always craved. Yet I don’t beg for death.” You continued to wipe away the tears with your hand. Liu got a tissue out of a pocket and gently wiped at your face with it. It was a comforting gesture.

“I guess I’m in limbo. I’m alive, but I haven’t been living, you know?” You looked at him with red eyes and a small, sad smile. “I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I want to be better. I want to feel like a person again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

Liu had a solemn expression on his face. He did not know how much you, his friend, was hurting. You had masked it very well.

“I’ve felt like this for so long where I feel like I should be used to it. But it’s just gotten worse. I haven’t gotten the help I need to deal with it. I’ve just been trying to deal with it in my own ways but they have all been bad. I’m always so angry or annoyed. But now, since I’ve let that stop controlling me, all I can do with my depression is just nothing. It’s sitting here eating me alive. I don’t know where and when this started. I can hardly remember.” Your eyes were beginning to puff up and the headache was forming.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed. I have a good home, my family is great, things are good. Yet here I am.” You laughed, but nothing was funny. It was out of sadness. You turned your tear-stained face away from Liu Kang. “I just wish I could feel better.”

“Perhaps a hug may ease something?” Liu offered. You nodded your head, wrapping your arms around him as he did to you. Hugging a person made everything come out. The tears started to come rapidly, your body shook with sobs. Liu hugged you tighter, feeling your emotions flood out of your body. If this would help you, he would do it for all of eternity.

And he was right. A hug did ease something. It made you feel a little less alone.

“As the Protector of Earthrealm and being a creator of a timeline, I understand your loneliness and the feeling of lacking in purpose. I assure you, you are very purposeful. Everyone plays their part in their life. Just like in this timeline, everyone plays their part that they need to. They fill their purpose.” He explained as you pulled away from him, wiping away your tears and snot. “And you, you have your purpose. It is your duty to understand and know what it is. And it may not come right away, but I promise you it will.”

You nodded your head. “I guess so. I just need to push myself more and try to fix what I can. I just might need an extra push, you know?”

“And that is what we are here for. We are all here for you. No matter the circumstances. No matter what your mind says.” Liu replied as you both faced the waterfall. He placed his hand on your shoulder again. “We will always be here. You are never alone. You will never have to feel alone.”

#mortal kombat #mk1 2023 #mk 1 2023 #mk1 #mk 1 #mk liu kang #mk1 liu kang #mk raiden #mk kenshi #mortal kombat liu kang

[yeonkimintakecare]

Cheap Vacations

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader; Angsty Fluff

Summary: You've been in recovery for awhile now, and you're so tired of the people around you coddling you. You ask your boyfriend to come with you on a spontaneous trip, but will he end up disappointing you?

Author's Note: This is based of the song Cheap Vacations by Tobi Lou. He's my second favorite artist after BTS, and I was really depressed in 2020 and I was listening to a lot of sad music. But the song is really good!!! So I suggest listening to the before, during, or after.

Warnings: reader in recovery for a prescription addiction, lot of talk about recovery and mental illness, pretty angsty.

You sit at the window looking at the planes. You look down at your phone to check the time. Your plane to Greece was leaving in 30 minutes. You booked it a week ago when you got home for you and your boyfriend. But he still wasn’t here.

Where is he?! You think to yourself. You told him to be early to the airport but he still wasn’t here. If he’s late you don’t know what you’ll do. Your hands start to shake while you think about getting onto the plane alone. What I would do for a Xanax right now.

You check the time again, just as you pick up your phone it starts to ring. You immediately pick up.

“Namjoon, where are you?” You whisper scream into your phone.

“Baby, I’m not coming.” He said calmly.

“What do you mean? I can’t get onto the plane alone. I need you here with me.” You say starting to tear up and your voice starts to break. Your body starts to shake and you feel the knot in your stomach turn into a rock. You feel weighted down and you feel as though you are about to start sinking into the ground.

“Baby you didn’t ask me if I even wanted to go.” You could hear the guilt in his voice.

“It was supposed to be romantic.” You say weakly. You didn’t understand why he didn’t want to do this with you. To be honest, the break was much needed. Everything in life was always so overwhelming and you just needed some time to take a breath with the love of your life. You needed something new in your life.

“I also don’t think that you should go on this trip. ____, you just got out of rehab. I don’t think that going on a plane, which you find extremely stressful, in a country that doesn’t speak your native language, is a good idea. I missed you so much, can’t we just take a trip here?”

You understood where he was coming from. You had a really rough eight months in rehab to get better. And you were, better that is.

“I just need to get away. I need to get away from everybody treating me like a baby. I need something new for awhile. I want to find a new high. A different high that healthy for me. I just wanted to get a breath of fresh air with you, and when I saw the tickets to Greece I thought it would be good for us. I didn’t get to have alone time with you for eight months and I just wanted to go on this trip. I got a window seat for you and I needed you. I feel like absolute shit all the time and like I'm disappointing everybody all the time. I just wanted to be in a new place with people that don't know me or what I've done.” You sob into the phone. You hated flying alone, your anxiety made it impossible to not have a panic attack on the plane.

“Baby-“ Namjoon begins to speak, but is cut off by the speaker announcing the boarding for your flight.

“I don’t care whether you come or not. I’m going. I need this, and I had hoped you would’ve been here with me, but you weren’t. So I’ll do it on my own. My therapist taught me to be independent, so that’s what I’m going to do.” You say trying to convince him, as well as yourself. “I love you and I’ll contact you when I land. We can talk about how we are going to continue when I get home.”

You end the call and grab your bag and get into the line. You feel yourself starting to shake but you begin to breathe in and out. You didn’t need the Xanax or the Kolonopin. You didn’t do that anymore. You think back to Dr. Rall’s advice and instead of dwelling on all the bad thing, you distract yourself with the good things. While it didn’t cure your state of being, it helped you feel a little more comfortable. You board the plane and sit in your seat, looking at the empty seat next you and you feel the tears welling in your eyes.

Your sadness is interrupted when by a familiar voice.

“I believe that is my seat.”

You look up to see Namjoon with his bag. You smile but tears are still falling. He takes his seat next to you and grabs your hand.

“I thought you weren’t coming…” you say quietly.

“I was already through the check in, but I was hesitant. I wasn’t sure if you were doing this for the right reasons. I had to make sure it wasn’t manic decision. But what you said on the phone. It broke my heart. I’m sorry you feel over crowded, it’s the last thing you need right now.” He said while he grabbed your hand. You see his eyes tear up a bit as well.

You feel comforted while he rubs the back of your hand with his thumb. “I love you and if you need me, I’ll always be there.” He rests his forehead against yours. You stay there for a bit until you are told you have to buckle up and you both are pulled from your little world.

You both take out your own book to read and you share headphones. At first it was rough, but he held your hand again and eventually, using your breathing exercises and stress techniques to calm yourself down. Eventually the eventful morning catches up with you and you feel your eyes become heavy.

You fall asleep at peace with your head on Namjoon’s shoulder. He smiles when he sees the smile on your face. It reminded him of what you were like before the addiction and stress. He loved you then, and he loves you now.

No matter what struggles you went through, he would always be there for you.

#kim namjoon #bts rm #namjoon #bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts x reader #namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x reader #bts rm x reader #namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon fan fic #bts angst #bts fluff #rm fluff #namjoon fluff #rm angst #namjoon angst #tobi lou

[madigoround]

So I’ve been working on my anxieties about the future a lot lately and I’ve made some really great improvements, including getting almost entirely past my stress over getting a pet because it could lead to financial turmoil (I have a million back up plans in place now to make me feel more comfortable about such things) and I had been thinking I might get a dog because not only would it be company but as a woman living alone it might provide me some level of intimidation from outsiders, and as a step in the direction of getting a pet and also just because I enjoy it I have been fostering and today I brought my foster kitten back (I already miss her but she never got less feral and her scratching and biting only hurt more as she grew, hopefully she’ll calm down as she grows up) and I was sad that I would be going home alone tonight so I took a stroll around the shelter and I was only really looking at the dogs entertaining getting one and then this meow calls me over to the kitten side and there’s this little fur ball and she comes right to me to get pet (my foster kitten hated being pet or held so this was a nice change) and I ended up sitting down with her in a one on one and she was so sweet but I had to go back to work and they’re closing early tonight so I said if she’s still there tomorrow then it was meant to be and if she’s not I hope she has a good life and now that I’m sitting at work I can think a little more clearly beyond the OH MY GOD THIS KITTEN IS SO CUTE AND SWEET but I keep looking at her photo and I think I would really love her, I kept saying I would keep my foster kitten if she was cuddly or affectionate lol but getting a kitten wasn’t the plan really so I don’t know if I should abandon the dog plan and get this kitten or not adopt the kitten and keep looking for a dog and fostering until I find the right one

#there’s only two animals that need fostering at the shelter right now and they’re both dogs with serious aggression and bite history and I #don’t know if I can do that so I can’t foster until there’s another one that needs fostering and truthfully I wasn’t planning to find a pet #today when I was walking around I was just looking at the cute animals and this little baby captured me lol #feel free to ignore this I’ve been using time at the gym to process things lately and think through it but I’m excited to hand out candy to #trick or treaters tonight so I can’t go today and just #I got a call while writing these tags so I don’t remember where I left off but it helps to just get my thoughts out of my brain and the #occasional advice is nice too

[randompajamaalt]

hey guys! So as you probably know I haven’t been posting much lately. I have a few reasons.

don’t worry, I’m not quitting or going on hiatus or something. I’m just really really burnt out.

this last week has been one of the worst ones I’ve had in the past year or two. I’m not having a good time, and due to stress buildup and work buildup I haven’t had any time to draw or write.

I try to do what I can when I get inspired, but I’m gonna try and recover for a bit and not rush anything out. It’ll just keep getting worse if I do that.

so recently I’ve been trying to pick up new things that make me happy, and going back on old things for comfort, and I’m just trying to figure some stuff out and calm myself down.

I’ve had multiple anxiety attacks and breakdowns in the last week and I’m gonna have to hold it together for a little while longer, but I’m starting to do better and hopefully soon I’ll be alright again.

I’m really sorry to everyone who’s here expecting daily art or posts or things like that. I’ll try and get on a better schedule soon, but for now I’m really sorry but I’m gonna need you all to bear with me.

and sorry for such a sad post! I try to be cheery about this most of the time but I think a proper explanation wouldn’t really have the same effect if it was full of jokes. But y’all don’t have to worry about me, I’m doing alright. I’m working on getting someone to talk to, and I’ve gotten a lot of the work over and done with. So for now I’ll just have to pick up the pieces and trudge along for a while.

Thank you all who have stayed through this! I try to keep my personal life out of my tumblr account but I think y’all deserved an expanation. Anyways! I hope you all have a great day/night and I hope you all feel better if you’re going through it like I am. Even if you’re not public with it, I hope you get help and find a way to feel better. And that’s Dan, signing off! Temporarily. Again, no hiatus, just slow movement and a bit of a small break. See ya soon!

Allons-y!

#randompajama talks #ill be back soon I swear #I’m not leaving or going on hiatus #Just going a bit slower for a few days #Tw anxiety attacks mentioned #Tw mental breakdowns mentioned #Bit of a sad post today #Sorry :(

[barclaysangel]

A little soft Jevon prompt because yes.

Jake would say he has amazing intuition, almost like spider sense. That being said, his intuition or anxiety never once spiked when Devon was near him.

Even when Devon was in a bad mood, or raging helplessly at trauma he couldn’t fix, or in the worse of anger frenzies, Jake has felt nothing but safe with Devon. Since there was always something at the back of his head that told him that Devon would never harm him. Threats from Devon almost meant nothing to him, since he was well aware that Devon would never harm him. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did.

That being said, it made it incredibly easy for Devon to sneak up on him.

After taking Devon to a rage room, and locking him in there, Devon got someone to let him out. An employee, roaming the halls. Still in protective gear, Jake almost screamed when he felt someone lean head-first against his back. Arms slowly wrapped around him, calming him down. He felt Devon’s posture stiff, and the tightness of the way he held him.

Jake ignored the fact his stomach churned, worry settling in.

“Did you have fun?” He asked.

Devon slowly nodded against him. “Non-verbal?” Jake asked, the other shook his head. “Tired. Sad.” He began. “Can I have this? Just — let me hold you for a second.”

“Oh.” The curly haired boy said, before nodding. “Okay! H-Hold away!” He laughed, sparking a small smile from Devon. The therapist tilted her head, a bit confused. “Does this happen a lot?” She asked.

“Usually after anger frenzies. Devon feels a lot of guilt, especially if he hurt someone innocent.” Lexy answered. “He’ll be fine, he just needs to use Jake as his personal stress toy/teddy bear.” Jake nodded in agreement, being known to go overboard with making his boyfriend feel better when he went into strange moods like these. So being able to just stand or sit there and look pretty was a huge weight off of his shoulders. He hadn’t been that good with Devon in the past, but he had been trying to get better, especially after finding out Devon had diagnosed bipolar disorder.

He didn’t coddle him. If he knew one thing, he knew how much Devon hated being coddled. But he was more considerate over his feelings, since Devon experiences the same emotions he does, just ten times bigger. Even if he thought his boyfriend was overreacting, he never express it, in actions or words. Since Devon’s emotions are a big deal to him. This was the baggage, and Devon basically is saying that they can deal with it together or Jake can go home.

And Jake didn’t plan on going home.

After twenty minutes of talking, Devon took a sharp breath and let go, forcing Jake to have to bite back a whine when the warmth left his body. “Do you feel better?” The therapist asked.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Devon begab with a slight smile. “Just needed to, recharge, I guess.”

“And Jake’s your charger?” The therapist asked again, this time Devon only nodded, eyes going to the exit. Jake, somehow, immediately picked up on his, and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. “It’s getting late. We should go.”

“I second-hand this.” Lexy raised her hand. “I’m pretty hungry.” This sparked a small giggle out of Devon’s throat, Jake immediately falling in love with the sound, as they walked to the exit.

“Hey Dev?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Devon choked up, looking up at Jake and looking down, about to say the words back before he couldn’t. Shit, did he go non-verbal? Already? Why did this happen at the most unconventional of times? Now Jake’s probably gonna think that’s he’s faking and doesn’t wanna say it back because—

“Devon, you don’t have to say it back.” Jake said, almost reading the boy’s mind. “I know you love me.” Devon smiled, squeezing the other’s hand tighter. His way of saying “I love you too” and hopefully Jake knew that.

“So..” Lexy began, quietly to the therapist. “How’s Devon and Jake’s relationship holding up?” It was a bit of an anxiety thing, but Lexy had to know. Just know if anything was wrong, because 9/10, she was always the one to fix it.

“Well, it’s obsessive, unhealthy, a bit toxic,” The therapist began. “But in the best of all ways. Those two need each other, and are equally the same amounts of healthy and toxic to balance it out. It’s a beautiful relationship, and why some might see it as need of improvement, it works. And that’s enough.” She said with a smile.

Awwww I love this!!!

#Luna talks #admin #Chucky #Chucky 2021 #Jake Wheeler #Devon Evans #Lexy Cross #Jevon

[mrs-johansson]

Strangers in the night - Scarlett Johansson x Fem!Reader

Part 7:

Weeks have been passing by quite quickly. It’s early February already which was so shocking because we just celebrated the New Year. I’ve had the whole month off fortunately and I have no complaints. I’ve been getting ready for shooting Bombshell which we start in March. Just to get into the whole story I’ve done some research.

I’ve also been going out a lot, not gonna lie. Whether it was a business dinner or a club night, I had plans for almost every day. I used my free time while I could and not gonna lie I had fun.

Léa and Chris are finally official and I can’t be happier for them. It’s still between us, Scott and some of our close friends, our parents don’t know this yet so it’s gonna be a big surprise.

Scarlett and I have been texting and calling back and forth a lot lately, getting to know each other better. She’s a very funny person, I expected her to be a very serious person even though Chris had told me about how much fun they always have whenever shooting a movie.

I didn’t expect us to become great friends when we first bumped into each other, but it was a pleasant decoy.

“So, any plans for Valentine’s Day?” Asked Scarlett through the phone. “No, not really. Honestly, I haven't celebrated Valentine’s Day in a couple of years,” I said. “What? Why?” “Well last year I was single, and before that, we were never in the same city somehow so… but I don’t think I missed out on anything big,” I plopped down onto the couch after making some tea. “Well you did, on good dates,” Scarlett responded. “Now that I’m thinking about it, I haven’t been on a date in a while.” “That’s upsetting. I’m sad for you.” “Why thank you, so emphatic.” “We should do something.” She suggested. “What’s on your mind?” “There’s this Jazz Bar at Soho, they have great wings and the music is very good,” that’s probably the most exciting date that I would ever be on. Date? Haha sure. “Ah I love Jazz so much,” I threw my head back. “I know.” “We have to go there.” “It’s next Wednesday, you sure you’re free?” “I’m free all February.” “Rose will be at her dad’s so I should be fine too. I’ll pick you up at… 7?” “That would be great.”

***

*group chat Work Wives; Y/n-Shortie🐜, Jennifer- Jello🍓, Emma- Giggles🪨

Shortie🐜: I think I have a date, not sure 🌝

Giggles🪨: with who ??

Jello🍓: take a guess?🤓

Giggles🪨: Ah right

Shortie🐜: I don’t think it’s that obvious

Jello🍓: it is

Giggles🪨: pretty much, yeah. Why not sure though?

Shortie🐜: well she asked me if I had anything planned for Valentine’s Day, I said no and told her about how I didn’t do anything for the past few years for that so she said we should do something

Jello🍓: and?!

Shortie🐜: she’s picking me up next Wednesday and we’re gonna go to a jazz bar with wings🫠

Giggles🪨: your new fav place probably

Shortie🐜: so true

Jello🍓: definitely a date

Shortie🐜: she also said that her daughter is not with her at the moment so she’s good to go

Giggles🪨: oooooh you’re gonna laiiiid 🐱🐱🐱

Shortie🐜: im not that kind of person

Jello🍓: yeah and im completely normal right?

Great, now I’m overthinking.

***

The next couple of days went by painfully slowly. I tried to take my mind off of the ‘date’ by painting, reading and learning my lines for Bombshell, but my mind just kept going back to this potential date.

I know it’s too early to stress about it since it’s only in a couple of days but I was terrified. Scarlett is a very powerful and influential woman, if she truly means this as a date, there’s no way I will be calm. She is a very attractive person and her mere presence is intimidating for me, despite her lovely personality.

I still haven’t told Chris anything about this, a little scared of what he would think. Probably surprised, and curious but still…

Trying to relax was always a bit of trouble for me. When I was younger, I used to struggle with anxiety and painting was always a big help. So like now, I chose to paint something once again, for the second time this week.

As I was looking at the halfway-done picture of a vintage kitchen, my phone began to ring. Unfolding my legs I got up from the ground, my flannel shirt’s sleeve rolling down as I reached for the phone on the table. It was Chris. “Hey Captain,” I spoke. “Very funny.” “I think it is.” “Yeah yeah… what are you up to?” He asked. “Just painting.” “Again?” Why is it so surprising? “Mhm, why?” I sat back on the floor, letting my legs stretch for a while. “I was gonna get lunch, maybe you want to join,” he suggested. “Alright, I haven’t had anything today so you got me.” “I’ll be there in 30 minutes.” “Yup.”

***

“You’ve been painting a lot lately…” Chris started and I glanced up at him from behind the menu. “Yeah, and?” Shrugged as my eyes scanned the different types of dishes. “Anything on your mind that might be stressful? You seem to disappear these days, although I heard Scarlett is a very frequent part of your days,” he smiled suspiciously while crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat. “You guys talk about me? How cute,” I faked a smile. “Yeah, she said you guys will go out this Wednesday, kinda hurt you didn’t tell me you’re going out with my best friend, but whatever…” He sassily spread his arms then picked back up his menu. “Wait a damn minute. For the record, I’m still not sure if it’s a date. She didn’t make it that obvious, okay? Jen and Emma say it is, but she didn’t say it so…” “Y/n… it’s gonna be on Valentine’s Day, what the hell do you think it is? A friendly outing? Yeah, sure.” He’s Scarlett’s best friend, then it has to be a date. “Fuck…” I sighed. “What? You don’t like her?” “No no… that’s the fucking problem. She is Scarlett Johansson, can you imagine how horrifying it is for me? She is way too nice with me and it scares the fuck out of me. It doesn’t help that she has a flirtatious personality and I don’t know whether I should pay attention to that or not. Chris, I’m terrified of this date.” He just laughed. He literally laughed at my rumbling. “You know what? I’m not gonna tell you anything, ever again,” I placed down my menu as I’ve already chosen my dish.

The man held up his two hands defensively, while the smile remained on his face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just so funny to see you all freaked out. Scarlett is such a laid back person and I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Where are you guys going?” He asked. “A jazz bar. She said it’s good.” He nodded. “That sounds fun. I would love to say I’m shocked to see you guys in this situation but I’m not.” The waiter stepped up to our table, breaking our conversation but we gave him our order and I quickly got back to the topic. “You’re not surprised?” I raised an eyebrow. “Not at all. On New Year's Eve you guys seemed to get along very well and she mentioned how much you guys have actually talked since then, so…” Oh so she’s talking about this… Interesting. “Do you think she’s playing though? I don’t want to be a one night stand that gets thrown away after a round,” I glanced down at my glass of iced tea. “No no, she’s not like that. She has Rose. Scarlett is a uhm… how should I say it? A person who settles down very quickly but doesn’t stick around for long but I think she’s different now. You know after Colint and Rose’s dad she wants someone…” “Stable.” “Exactly. So if you two want the same thing, then maybe it’ll become something great.”

***

Wednesday was here in a second after I had lunch with Chris. He made me think twice about the whole situation and all I have is low expectations. I don’t want to overthink it anymore, I just want to enjoy myself, that’s all it’s about, isn’t it?

This year, Valentine's Day was very nice. The weather was gloomy and it looked like it’ll rain any minute, my favorite weather. For my outfit I wanted to be a little bold, not gonna lie. It’s definitely a date, now I’m sure. So I may just use that as an opportunity to look good. I’m meeting with the most gorgeous woman and I will not be shy about it.

I could never go wrong with a black dress. It had a slit on the left side, pairing the whole dress with a longer black coat, I should be fine. A pair of red bottom shoes and some silver rings and a necklace, I will not hold back. I straightened my hair and did some minimal make up just to balance out everything.

At 6:50 the doorbell rang. Tell me she’s not standing in the rain.

Hurried down the stairs, I opened the door to see Scarlett standing in the doorway with an umbrella over her head. Other hand behind her back. Wide smile on her flawless face and green eyes shining in the light of the front door. “Hey, you look lovely,” the woman rasped out, my stomach dropping from the sound of her deep voice. “And you look amazing, shall we go, I wouldn’t want your look to be ruined by the rain.” I grabbed my coat and as I was putting it on she brought her left hand forward. A bouquet of white roses nicely wrapped in brown paper. They looked magical. “These are for you. I haven’t been on a date in a while, I don’t know if people still bring flowe-“ “I love them. White roses are my favorite.” She let out a soft breath and glanced down before the smile appeared on her face again. “Let me put these in water and we can go.”

The black car was patiently waiting in the dawning street, its tinted windows not allowing me to see inside. The rain was pouring down on it. My hands were shaking a little but I was excited. Scarlett’s company is very much enjoyable so it should be fun.

Scarlett held the umbrella just high enough that we both fit under it. Our shoulders brushing against the other’s. We hurried to the car as we reached it, the woman opened the door as the gentlewoman she is. I got in, her following me and the driver took off as soon as Scarlett closed the door.

***

“I know we usually avoid work things but I stepped back from Carol,” I said and her eyebrows rose as her chin was resting in her palm. “Really?” “Yeah, I’ll have four movies for this year and I just couldn’t fit that in.” “I did too actually. They said I was too young for the role, I took that as a compliment,” she smirked, making me chuckle. “It was an exciting project though.” “Truly was. What are you making this year?” She sipped her beer and leaned back in her seat. Fingers intertwined in her lap she was watching me carefully. “Well Bombshell is the first, it should be like two months I think and we’re filming in LA,” I said. “You don’t like LA,” Scarlett cut in and I nodded my head. “Yeah, it’s too much for me.” “Two months are nothing, it’ll be quick,” she touched my elbow softly. “Yeah, I know. Then I’m doing Just Mercy for two months and after that-“ “You’re coming with me to Prague.”

My mouth fell open and my hands fell in my lap. “Did Taika tell you?” I asked, a bit upset that I couldn't tell her myself. “It slipped. I just told him that we’ve already met and he accidentally told me. Although he made sure to tell me that I should not mention it to you because you wanted to tell me. Then you have a hand in this, how did this happen?” “I guess you can say that…” I smiled shyly, fidgeting with the rings on my fingers. “Taika and I have known each other forever. And we've always shared books with each other, so a couple years ago I came across this particular one called Caging Skies. And he said that he read that already and he loves it so much. Then we started joking around with it and saying how fun of a movie it could be. And in like a month we started putting our ideas together and started writing it.” I explained and her curious eyes were just soaking in every little inch of my face while also listening to what I was saying. “It’s amazing, controversial but fantastic. Do you write other things too?” Scarlett raised one of her eyebrows and leaned forward, letting her arms rest on the edge of the table while also being crossed in front of her chest. “I just finished one a couple weeks ago actually. It’s like a psychological thriller.” “You like this stuff, huh? These artistic things…” Just her talking made my insides buzz, like her voice is just so seductive to me, it’s insane. “I love them. It’s such a great form of therapy to me, sometimes it’s better than talking to a stranger who judges every one of my actions.” “But you have talent. It’s hard to do without that.” Not gonna lie, I blushed just a slightly bit from her words but I controlled myself and kept up the conversation. “Well, thank you but I think you can loosen up your mind without knowing how to paint or draw. My dad and I often do days when we just sit in the garden and just paint what we see, he has no sense of painting but it still helps him relax. You should try it sometimes, I’m sure your daughter would be happy to join you,” I chuckled but I meant it. “Maybe you could help us out, Rose should learn from a professional,” the way she was initiating a whole different conversation with just her eyes was just making me blushful and inquiring. “I’d love to.”

After our food arrived, we still talked about work, although Scarlett was just shooting me down with questions. She wasn’t talking about herself that much and I found that strange. She has a very engaging personality and even though we’ve been talking for a while, she’s still a mystery to me.

“You don’t talk much about yourself,” I mentioned. I started fidgeting with my fingers, because I got a little anxious about making her uncomfortable with this.

Scarlett smiled to herself, her face down, strictly looking at her plate. She rotated the fork in her hand but then placed it down. Took a deep breath in, while she lifted her head. “Didn’t mean to cross the line, sorry,” I cleared my throat but she was quick to place her hand on my knee that was poking out from under the table. “No no, you didn’t. It’s just the last time I shared my life with someone, I drew the shorter straw,” a sad smile crossed her face but as I listened all I could think about is you don’t let this type of woman out of your life.

Since New Year’s, we’ve spoken nonstop. Yes, she was asking a lot about me but she talked about herself willingly. She told me about her daughter, Rose, that they always paint each other’s nails on Wednesday, they bake cookies together or watch cartoons on Saturday mornings while having breakfast. Her worries about work were a topic that came up from time to time, but if I had those she made sure to take my mind off of it. She has the kindest soul and I don’t think you can just give that up.

“What I know…” I straightened up and placed down my fork. All my attention was on her, just so she gets what I want to say. Her eyes were so curious of my words and I was so eager to share. “Is that since we’ve been talking… it just proved to me that you have the biggest heart.” I said, her cheeks rounding as a shade of pink tinted them while she smiled. “You put other people’s problems in front of yours, and not a lot of people can do that. If anyone takes advantage of your trust it’s their problem. They lost you, not the other way,” I took my glass and I slightly raised it. “And I say we toast to that.” Scarlett smiled widely and grabbed her beer. “Thank you.” “No need for that.” “There is. You’re always there to remind me what I'm worth and I appreciate that. To trust.” She clicked her bottle to my glass and blush crept up my neck. “To trust.”

After a couple glasses of alcohol we had very direct conversations. Scarlett shared more and more about her life and I was honored that she trusted me with this.

“So hopefully my next marriage will last for, you know… a good ten years at least,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t blame you though, it’s hard to find a person you can settle down with but understands your work. Even actors, sometimes they don’t accept that you work most of the year,” I grabbed a piece of fries from the small basket that was in the middle of the table. “When was your last relationship? Like a real thing, and with who? I’m dying to know what your type is,” she smirked and I just chuckled. “What do you think my type is?” I raised an eyebrow, challenging her to give me her best answer.

Her wide green eyes squinted as she was looking at me. Chin resting in her palm, her lips pursed. The look just sent shivers down my spine, my hands were sweating and I suddenly felt hot, even though the bar was perfectly heated.

“Alright… I feel like you don’t like needy people,” she pulled on her lips, grimacing a little. Her nose scrunched up, her face looking so adorable in the moment. “I really don’t, we’re adults not toddlers.” “I agree. What about…” she looked up, and I could see the wheels turning in her head. “Non celebrity? Is it in the cards for you?” That’s actually a good point. “I don’t know… If they aren’t familiar with you know… my work ethic I guess, it’s a hard thing to take in. I travel all the time, not everyone can handle that,” I explained and she nodded her head. “Makes sense, I couldn’t do that. It’s just difficult.” “Truly is.” “Okay one more than you need to tell me,” she smiled then drank the last sip of her beer. “Shoot.” She raised her look on me, her pupils wide and a devilish smirk plastered her face. “Older people? How do you go about this?”

Heat crept up my cheek, and a shy smile pulled on my lips from the unwarned question. I chuckled awkwardly and ran a hand through my hair just out of nerves. “I uhm… I haven’t been in a situation when somebody significantly older was interested in me and me in them. But you know… I’m not against it. If it’s the right person, then so be it.”

Looked up into her eyes and all I could see was curiosity. I glanced down at her lips, such an unconscious action that I couldn’t control. Her full lips were spread in a barely noticeable smirk but from how close she was, I could perfectly see it. “Why? Interested?” I asked jokingly, hoping to hear the right answer.

Scarlett hummed and visibly looked down at my lips then back my eyes. The tension was so thick, you could’ve cut it with a knife. Her big green eyes were just staring at me with a look I could not understand. “I just might be.”

#Scarlett Johansson #scarlett johansson x female reader #scarlett johansson x you #scarlett johansson x reader #gxg #chris evans

[mollykuran]

Hange x Reader Can’t sleep

It was late into the night and Y/N was struggling to sleep so she got up very quietly put her uniform on and got her gear and book and then her cloak and walked out the sleeping quarters and headed for the lake behind headquarters.

As Y/N was walking she didn’t notice Hange and Moblit where out doing some experiments.

Hange Pov:

I was stood talking to Moblit about tonight’s experiments when when me and him saw someone walking to the lake behind headquarters, I couldn’t quite work out who it was but she was definitely up to something full uniform gear and cloak at this time I wonder “hey Moblit why don’t you pack away and turn in for the night I’m going to go check who that was”. I said Moblit just nodded and told me to be careful, Once he was left I started walking.

Y/N Pov

Once I got to the lake it looked really pretty with the trees and the moonlight shining on the water, I took my cloak off and laid it on the floor and sat down and rested against the tree and got out my book I was reading currently.

Once Hange got to the lake she looked around trying to find the person she saw earlier as she was looking around she noticed a figure leaning against the tree reading Seeing thy weren’t a threat Hange walked up to them. “Hey there what are you doing here this time?”.

Y/N Pov

I looked up to see who was talking and heading my way I looked to see my Squad Leader fearing I would get into trouble I got up and use my gear to fly up into the nearby tree and sat in the tree trying to clam my anxiety and avoid an anxiety attack I know full way that we aren’t really allowed out past a certain time but I just really struggled with sleeping and want some fresh air.

Hange Pov

Once I got closer I saw it was Y/N on of my best squad members she was beautiful talented and full of knowledge and was one of the few that was interested in my Titan research but she on of the more shy members of the scouts and doesn’t really say much but she loves sketch and reading and being helpful but struggled with socialising with others as I was walking close she saw me and she looked like a deer in headlights and before I could say anything she took of into a tree that was close by.

I’m guessing by that reaction she thought she was in trouble but I was more concerned about her because I care for her a lot.

“Hey dear it’s alright I’m not here to tell you off or anything i just want to make sure your alright”. I said in a soft but loud enough so she could her me,Once she came down from the tree I walked her back to where she was before and picked up her book she dropped and handed it back to her.

“So do you want to tell me what up and why your not sleeping?” I ask concerned. She looked away from me and said “I don’t know I always struggle with sleep and it got worse when my parents past.” I sat there nodded as she carried on talking. Once she was finished she looked na at me and was waiting for me to respond to what she just said.

“Well my dear I’m sorry your having sleep problems and it’s been happening for a while I think it’s best if we find away to help you together”. I said hoping she agrees it hurts me when I see the person who I love struggling.

“Hange” she said very quietly but loud enough that I heard, “Yes my dear what is it?” I asked her “Other thing that has been on my mind is I like someone a lot and I want tell them how I feel but unsure how to go about it”. She ask

I was hoping that person she was on about was me so I can finally tell her how I feel about her.

“Well my dear some times the only way to find out is to ask, yeh it’s hard but how will you know otherwise and I’m sure the person who you like will like you back.” I said trying to full her with hope.

“Ok then here goes nothing.” She said I began to get hopeful it was me. “Hange your the person I like you kind and funny and intelligent and you help with anything and everything and you always make me happy when I’m sad or stressed.” I smiled d “while Y/N I like you to and I have done ever since you joined my squad and you are just wonderful in every way and would love to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Once I said that I saw her smiled and she hugged me and I hugged her back she then pulled on my collar to lower my head down so she could kiss me and with out any second thoughts I kissed her back. “Tell you what my love why do you spend the night with me and I can help you fall asleep.” She smiled as she saw your all ready sleep face. Hange took off your gear and put it to one side picked up your cloak and warped you in it then picked you and your book up and walked back to the sleeping quarters.

Once Hange was back at the sleeping quarters she took you to her office which was shared with her bedroom. Once in Hange’s Room she put your book on her desk and swap your uniform out with a pair for her Pyjamas and then laid Y/N down into there bed and then walked into her bathroom and changed her clothes into pyjamas then walked back to bed.

Once they both where under the covers she looked and Y/N and asked when was the last time she slept. Y/N just said I don’t know while fighting her sleep, “don’t fight it my dear I’m here I keep you safe”. Hange said as she pulled Y/N close to her and hugged her tight.

Once she was sure Y/N had fallen asleep she kissed her forehead and said good night before turning off the lights and going to sleep her self “Love very much Y/N”. And Hange soon after fell asleep herself.

A/N hi people hope you enjoy this one if did and would like to see my other works then check out my Wattpad Mollykuran 🌸

#fanfic #hange x reader #hange attack on titan #attack on titan #hange aot #attack on titan hanji #reader x character #anime #anime fanfic #attack on titan fanfiction

[9rophet]

Stressing for a Blessing

I don’t know the right way to start this, because what I’m about to write is just a culmination of thoughts I’ve had recently. I feel as a black man there’s so much that worries & stresses us more than the average non-black human. Granted, our sisters can relate & our brothers of different ethnic groups in second & third-world countries have a valid right to argue that what they experience is just as bad, if not worse, but I won’t get anywhere if I sat here and compared certain minorities different struggles. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is so much out there in the world that wants to affect our health, well-being, and to put it plainly, seeks to kill us physically, spiritually, and mentally. A lot of things in life are weaponized & used against us.

[I’m just speaking from my experience & an outsider may disagree, but I know there is truth in what I write.]

I’m doing my best to protect my mind, body, and spirit, but lately I’ve been discouraged because with every monthly visit to the doctor I’m reminded that I have certain conditions that are indicators that I’m not in my peak as far as my mental & physical health goes. I can sit here and list the causes such as societal pressures, punishments, financial hardship, and my turbulent upbringing. I can list those causes, but I’m writing this to come to some sort of solution for them. I often feel other people need reasons to care for you rather than just genuinely caring. If you stay silent in your suffering then nobody is alerted or feels obligated to frankly give a fuck about what you have going on. Which is sad, but the majority of the world is selfish.

I often think there is nothing wrong with selfishness because I truly believe you must take care of yourself before taking care of someone else. Especially in order to care for someone else properly and without bitterness. I guess I just hate that within certain people’s selfishness is the act of being inconsiderate or ignorant in the true definition of ignoring situations and losing awareness. To go back to my earlier point, I’m afraid of dying young, but it often seems like it’d be unavoidable in my current circumstance. I’m mentally ill, I’m physically unfit, and I have anxieties that are often crippling. So what exactly are the solutions? I guess you could say medication (which almost always has side effects), exercise (which requires discipline, dedication, and commitment to a routine), and balls of steel (confidence & a carefree attitude which you can’t gain overnight). Those solutions are a start in the right direction, it would just take practice and a mindset of someone who doesn’t quit no matter how many times they’re knocked down from discouragement & distracted by a world that’s built for them to fail. I genuinely want better. I just have to constantly remind myself why that is. I want to be somebody that has something to offer to those I love, those I trust, and those that love & trust me. It’s a cliché, but I know if I forget that, I’d feel as though I’m better off dead.

At this moment, I’m just stressed out & don’t want to ask for so much help that I become a liability or burden on somebody else. I want to hold on to any ounce of dignity I have left. I also want to be in a position where if I do ask for help I’ll have something to offer to where it’s an even exchange so that the other party doesn’t build resentment. I have enough enemies as there is & would like to have less. & Honestly, fuck ‘em. What good reason do they have to be against me? I digress.

Great things are bound to happen, it’s just a matter of living long enough to see those moments, and maintaining them. For now I’ll do as the elders say & simply count my blessings.

#journal

[houseofhollows]

where are you?

pairing: regulus black x reader

genre: angst

warnings: death

Regulus keeps disappearing. He won’t tell me where he’s going or what he’s doing. Lately, he’s had a distracted look; rarely speaking, constantly zoning out, staring into nothing. He won’t speak to me, to anybody. I don’t know how to approach him, I don’t want him to snap at me again; I kept asking him if he was alright, but he would respond with silence or–only once–he would yell in my face. I’m just trying to help you, I said. I don’t need your help, he replied. But I know he’s lying. I can see it in his face. He looks different. More tense, tired, stressed. But he won’t accept anyone’s help. He even stopped playing Quidditch, which was one of the only things that could calm him down. I guess I can’t blame him, though. There’s a lot going on. 

The Wizarding World is on the brink of war, a wizard named Voldemort spreading his ideologies to every pureblood around, convincing them that any wizard who isn’t a pureblood ought to be murdered. Regulus is a pureblood, and I know wholeheartedly that his parents believe in that nonsense. I wish Reggie would have listened to Sirius, had run away with him. And despite him telling everyone that he loves his parents and believes in their morals, I know he just feels a sort of obligation to fulfill what Sirius didn’t, to be the golden child, to end the yelling and torture. 

But I have been spending all my time worrying about him and where he keeps going. I know it sounds selfish, but I wish he would end whatever he’s doing because the stress is starting to wear me out. I can’t take the constant anxiety eating away at me, wondering where he is, what he’s doing, if he’s okay. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. I stay up through the late hours of the night trying to convince myself that he’s okay. He’s Regulus, he knows how to handle himself. But I would be a terrible girlfriend if I just sat there and accepted his behavior. So I don’t accept it, and I won’t. He can break up with me for all I care, as long as I know that he’s okay. But he won’t speak to me. I have written him letters, left them where I know he would find them. But they continue to go unanswered. 

Now, I don’t suspect him of cheating on me. That I know he would never do. But I cannot think of anything so extreme that would be hurting him like this. I’ve never seen someone look so sad, so out of it. He barely eats, his chin is always in his hand, his eyes on the table. 

What are you thinking about, Reg? Why won’t you talk to me? Just let me help you. Please.

He was gone for almost a week before I saw him again. I approached him; slowly, cautiously. I first asked him where he was, and when I got no response, I asked him if he was okay. He looked at me. It scared me. It was like he didn’t even know me. His eyes were blank, not expressing anything at all, like he was under a spell. His face looked slimmer, I noticed. I felt like crying. I wanted to hug, tell him everything would be alright, but when my hand touched his shoulder he flinched, so hard you would have thought an explosion went off. I felt tears welling in my eyes. I had to look away from him. 

I was sat next to him at the table. His friends were there too, all looking at him with an expression I couldn’t quite place. They didn’t look particularly sad, more sympathetic and pitiful. Why? They must know something I don’t. I let out a deep breath, most of them turning to look at me, their expressions unwavering; that same sympathetic look. I wanted to gauge their eyes out. Why weren’t they doing anything to help him? He was clearly not okay and yet they just looked at him. 

I bet it’s his parents. They’ve always been so hard on him, setting up absurd expectations that he was to fulfill or they would do something violent. I had seen the marks he they had given him one night last summer, and I knew then that Sirius had been right all along. His parents were monsters, but their behavior was praised. They believed in discipline, hard discipline, involving both physical and emotional abuse. Even though it’s technically none of my business, I told my parents, who were more than welcome to take him in, but when I addressed the situation to him, he had yelled at me and told me I was wrong, to stay out of it. So there’s nothing I can do but pray that he makes the right decision one day. That he leaves them for good. 

He’s a Death Eater. That’s what’s been occupying his time and mind. Voldemort was forcing him to carry out tasks that put him in emotional distress and danger. Part of me is angry at Reggie for doing this, but I know it isn’t his choice. I just hope he hasn’t killed anyone. 

He’s been leaving less frequently now, but he’s still distant. We’ve had very brief conversations, and I’ve learned to just ignore everything that is happening or he won’t respond. I’m so sad. Sad that he’s sad. Sad at what’s happening to him. It is out of my power to help him. I tried going to Dumbledore about it, but he ignored my requests. I don’t blame him, honestly. I doubt he wants to be involved with Voldemort, however slight. 

I just wish for one fraction of a second I could take away his pain. It breaks my heart to watch him look so upset, so tired. Knowing him, he probably feels an immense amount of guilt at what he’s doing. I want to understand his feelings so I can stop acting like this involves me, so I can stop worrying about him. But this isn’t about me. It never will be. 

Where are you, Reggie? You’ve been gone for two weeks now. I’ve asked your friends, but most of them don’t know where you are. Some of them tell me it’s best I don’t know. It’s probably true, but I can’t stop worrying about you. I wish you would’ve at least told me you were leaving again. You were starting to warm up to me again, you started talking to me and touching me. I missed your touch so much. It felt so good to hug you. But you were skinny I could feel your bones. Why aren’t you eating? It’s hurting me to see you like this. 

Please come home, I miss you. So much. I haven’t been doing good since you’ve left. But unlike you, I have no one worrying about me. That’s why I need you here. You’re the only person I have. I cry for you every single night. It’s killing me inside. I just want you here, I just want you to be okay. It’s like there’s an emptiness in me, it’s something I’ve never felt before. I never realized how much I needed you until now. 

I hope you’re okay, safe. 

His friends told me he was doing something for Voldemort, involving a horcrux. That it would take time. That is was potentially dangerous. I walked away. How am I supposed to respond to that? I didn’t want to cry in front of them. 

Regulus can take care of himself. I keep telling myself that. But he’s just a boy, he shouldn’t have to take care of himself. My heart hurts for him, because he never got the love he deserved from his parents, didn’t have a normal childhood filled with love and fun and innocence like normal kids. I hope that when all of this is over I can show him the love he deserves, for the rest of his life. And I hope my love can teach him how to love others, how to be more open and social. I hope he’s okay. I hope he completes his mission and comes home safe to me. I hope someone takes Voldemort down so he can leave Reggie alone. 

I don’t know what to say. What to do. I can’t do anything. I haven’t left my dorm in three days. Dumbledore approached me at dinner and asked me to walk with him. It was very weird. He told me he had some devastating news. My heart leapt out of my chest. My mind was reeling with endless possibilities. But it was stuck on one thought: Regulus. 

It was true. He had died. Dumbledore was so stupid for what he said. ‘He was defying Voldemort, he died doing the right thing.’ The right thing? He had died because he was trying to do the right thing, yes, but he was doing the right thing because he had been raised to do the wrong thing, had grown up in a household that was full of hatred and prejudices. He felt guilty, so he did what he thought would redeem him. And he had failed. 

He was just a boy. He was so young, he had so much ahead of him. I remember him talking to me about all the things he wanted to do in life, all the things he wanted to see. He talked about having kids, though he was insecure because he believed he wasn’t capable of loving a child, which led to him talking about loving me, how I had changed his life, his perspective. I’m glad I was able to do something for him. 

But right now I’m in so much pain. It seems impossible for me to feel anything other than sadness and anger. I’m alone during this time, I have no one here to comfort me, though maybe it’s better that way. 

I am shattered, misplaced. My life was flipped upside down. I’ve never felt so numb and distraught. I can’t fucking think properly. What am I supposed to do without you, Reg? It’s only been three days but they just keep getting worse. You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me. How could I ever love someone else? How could I ever, ever move on from this?

I feel an overwhelming anger. An overwhelming sadness. There is a raging storm inside my body, constantly fighting to get out. But I cried so much that first day that I don’t think I could ever cry again. 

There are a million things I wish I had sad, wish I had done. I love you. I love you. I love you. I like to think you didn’t put up a fight, didn’t suffer, just to make it easier for you. But I also think about the pain you went through, the thoughts that went through your head, everything you were thinking in your last moments. Is it selfish to hope you were thinking of me? About us? At least then maybe you felt less scared, more eased. But you were dying, or about to die, there’s nothing calming about that. 

I never believed in the afterlife. But I do now. Because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy, if not here then somewhere beyond this world. 

I’m not going to give up, I promise. I just need some time. 

I’m exhausted. And sad. And I miss you. So much. 

#regulus x reader #regulus black #regulus black x y/n #regulus black x you #regulus black x reader #harry potter fanfiction #fanfic #writing #angst #creative writing #regulus fanfiction #regulus fic #regulus deserved better

[robertbelcherjr]

LONG POST INCOMING! I will explain myself.

I’m thinking about writing a polyamorous Bob discovering his feelings for Mort series. And so I’m testing the waters with this beta portion of the story; it’s basically just Bob realizing his feelings and dealing with anxieties about telling Linda that leads to an emotional outburst of his feels so, enjoy! And please comment what you think, but if you say it’s crap I MIGHT cry :)

Bob's stomach fluttered whenever the mortician would enter the restaurant. His cheeks turned a tomato shade type red whenever he smiled his crooked smile at him. Sometimes his toupee would be cocked too far to one side; it made Mort look cute. Mort is funny, his laugh is charming… Bob didn’t understand why he was feeling this way about the mortician suddenly. Bob knew that he was bisexual and he liked men and women, but he didn’t understand what his feelings were telling him right now; he knew he loved Linda very much and he’s very much devoted to her for as long as he is still alive, but he can’t stop thinking about Mort. Why was he so perfect? Why did he have to be so caring? And so nice..his voice was captivating. It frustrated Bob. What was he supposed to do. Why did he desire Mort so much? Was he not loyal and happy with Linda? The idea of leaving Linda made Bob sick. He couldn’t stomach the idea. I love Lin, I can’t do this anymore just suppress the feelings Bob. Feelings are temporary, they'll go away. Right? Wrong. It wasn’t like he could just forget about it or suppress his feelings, he wishes he could. He spent a lot of nights restless, awake until he watched his alarm clock go off. Sitting in bed, thinking about Mort and how wrong he was. It started to affect his mood. First he barely engaged with his kids. They would sass him, he wouldn’t reply or he would simply “hm.” At them. He couldn’t work. His eyes couldn’t stay open, he fell asleep standing at the grill, nearly face planting on it had Linda not heard him snoring he would have. The cycle repeated, it got worse. Bob starts having weird dreams. His anxiety did this to him sometimes.

Why won’t the feelings just disappear?! I can’t keep doing this.

He squeezes his rubber band ball. It only temporarily makes him feel better.

Bob needs a nap. He feels his eyes closing as he collapses on the kitchen floor. He starts to snore immediately.

He startled himself awake. Only he wasn’t awake.

“Am I dreaming?” He wonders outloud.

“Bob!” A familiar voice pipes up.

Bob looks at his hands where a certain squeezy ball was sitting.

“S-squeezy ball, what are you doing here?” Bob asked.

“You’re stressed.” He says.

“Pfft; your nuts I’m not stressed at all.” Bob says.

“You’ve been squeezing me a lot lately.” The ball says.

“That doesn’t prove anything.” Bob said.

“You squeeze me when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed, but you won’t tell me what's wrong.” The ball said.

“W-well I'm not telling you here either! B-because I'm fine! There’s nothing wrong with me!” Bob shouts.

“You’re raising your voice Bob, you aren’t sleeping. Well you are but you’re laying in your kitchen, that’s pretty sad Bob.”

“You’re not helping me!” Bob throws the ball. It’s scream quickly fades to nothing. The ball lands on the grill, it’s on, smoke rises quickly, Bob stands in the middle of his kitchen, motionless. He does nothing. If I’m dead, feelings will go away. I don’t have to feel this way anymore.

Nothing again. There’s nothing. Bob screams he wakes back up in reality there was something wrong. His heart is pounding. Am I dying?

“LINDA!” He shouts.

“Bob? Bobby..are you ok? You don’t look ok.” Linda looked at her husband worried.

“I don’t know Lin.” Bob couldn’t find the words to say to tell her what was wrong with him, he didn’t even know what was wrong with him. What was he to say? He loved Mort? He can’t do that.

“Well maybe you should take the day off, I don’t like seeing you like this. Neither do the kids, get some rest, we need you to be ok Bobby.” Linda gives him a kiss. “Talk to me about it when you're ready, ok? I won’t push you, I just want to know how to help and support you. I love you.”

“Mmm.” Bob didn’t argue with her, it was undeniable that he wasn’t sleeping, he felt weak, like he was dying slowly, he doesn’t deserve Linda. Or Mort.

Why was this affecting me so much can’t I just get over it and be happy? Why isn’t it that easy.

and it only got worse as Bob sat alone with his thoughts and a glass of wine that was half drunk. He was in the kitchen late at night, staring at the laptop. The light irritates his eyes. “What is wrong with me.” Bob mumbles to himself as he browses the internet for an answer. He finds one. “Polyamorous..” he reads up, his anxiety worsens. “Maybe going to sleep will help.” He abandons the wine and the laptop that he doesn’t even care to clear the search history on. Sleep doesn’t help him at all. Just ignore it Bob, why is this so hard all of the sudden.

He has another nightmare. This time Linda is in it. She finds out that Bob has caught feelings for Mort.

“How could you do that to me Bob?!! You can’t love me and him!! This is what you’ve been hiding from me? I can’t believe you would do something like this to me, I hate you.”

That was it. That was the breaking point. Bob screams, he wakes himself up in a cold sweat. His heavy breathing wakes Linda up.

“Bobby?! Oh my god are you ok?!” She turns the lamp on so she can see him, the life was drained from his face, he was rocking back and forth. He opened his mouth. First nothing came out of it, then suddenly, everything came out of it.

“I’m polyamorous.. I-I have desires to date a-and be in a relationship with m-more than one person…I I- Lin..a-and I love you Lin, I always have I-I’ve devoted my entire life to you, I never want to leave you and I never want to lose you b-but I-I-I think I’m in..in love with Mort h-he’s captivated my thoughts and I don’t u-understand I-is that even possible, I I have so many feelings that are getting all mixed up and I do-don't know how to express them I-I don’t know why I feel like this, y-you’re going to hate me right? I’m an awful person, I'm an awful husband. I shouldn't feel this way right, am I allowed to feel this way it’s wrong Lin. Y-you’re going to scream, you’re going to yell you hate me.” he sobs. His sobs quickly turn into a crying fit. He cries all of the tears he can cry for a good long 20 minutes, but it felt like hours to Bob. Until he’s left staring at the floor.

Linda is silent for a minute taking in everything Bob said all at once in an outburst of emotions. She looks at him sincerely.

“Bobby..you know I love you no matter what even if your polly-armor-moose. I know you’re never gonna leave me, you’re crazy. You aren’t losing me, you know that. I’m your wife until we both die. I’m not gonna yell at you, or hate you.. that’s crazy talk..it hurts me to think that you think I would hate you..I know you like mort, you goofball!” She tries to joke, lighten the mood, and she gets a soft chuckle from Bob. She said polyamorous wrong but he didn’t want to stop her to correct her, he is smiling at her. “You’re always eyeing him, smiling. I think it’s cute! And I support you going after him. He is practically family at this point ya know. But I want ya to know something Bobby, never feel like you gotta hide your feelings from me. I’m here to listen and support you, you know that. The kids are worrying about you, I am worried about you. We need you Bobby, please don’t let yourself hurt yourself.”

Bob is silent

“I love you bobby” she kisses him

“I’m sorry Lin.” Bob speaks finally.

“Bob you don’t have to be sorry. Feelings are funny like that, they overwhelm you. It’s ok. I’ll do anything for you; If my Bobby isn’t happy I ain’t happy.” Linda hugs him tightly.

“Y-you still love me even though I’m polyamorous?”

“Bobby; I’ll be honest..I’m not surprised by this because I saw that you looked it up on the laptop.” Linda said.

“H-how did you find that?” Bob asked

“Bob, we only have one laptop.” Linda laughs.

“Oh my god…” Bob muttered.

“Oh my Bobby, you stressed yourself so silly…” Linda said.

“W-well this has made me feel better..” Bob said.

“We’re gonna play matchmaker with a certain mortician, I’ll make you so handsome.” Linda smiled at Bob.

“Y-you can try..” Bob said.

Linda laughs, “you know I will. I love you Bobby, get some sleep.”

“Hmm..c-can I maybe be close to you?” Bob asked.

“Of course Bobby.” Linda said.

Bob smiles, as he carefully wraps himself around Linda. He had no idea how he got so lucky marrying a woman that was as understanding as she was. He should have known better but he got so stuck up in his head he forgot that his wife will do anything for him. He should try to remember that more. Nothing between them will ever change even with Bob's new feelings for Mort.

#bobs burgers #bob belcher #linda belcher #mort the mortician #Bobmort #long post #gy writes

[aprilertle]

Sometimes when I get extremely depressed I feel like I want to die. I don’t really think I do, but I’m just so tired of the bad days outweighing the good. I’m tired of feeling so lonely and isolated. I’m tired of feeling like I have nobody in my corner, no village, no support system. When I have these thoughts of ending my life, I feel guilty. Just the thought of my kids having to navigate life without me here breaks my heart. I could never hurt them like that by taking my own life. Nobody could ever love or care for them like I do.

I just hope that someday things get better. I want things to change for the good. I don’t want to keep waking up dreading another day. I used to be so happy, now I just feel nothing but intense sadness, stress, and anxiety. I feel stuck. I feel like I’m possibly wasting the best years of my life in such a depressive rut that by the time I’m even able to crawl my way out of it and entertain the dreams and goals I had for myself it’ll be too late.

I love my kids so much and I don’t know what I’d do without them but I never anticipated motherhood being such a lonely and isolating thing. I know that if my parents were still here things would be so different. I don’t want to consider myself a doormat but I know I’ve dealt with and put up with a lot that I know I wouldn’t have if my parents were here. When you feel like you have no one in your corner you tend to keep quiet about things that bother you because you don’t want to ruffle feathers.

When it comes to my family in general, I’ve slowly accepted that they will never be able to meet me where I need them to. Maybe they can’t, maybe they just don’t want to. But the fact of the matter is I can’t count on them. I suffered from such severe postpartum depression after my son was born and not one of them offered support despite knowing I was spiraling. I’m not saying they had to, they had no obligation to care for me and make sure I was ok. But maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad if I just had one of them show up and help and let me know I wasn’t as alone as I felt. They say you don’t ever forget how you were treated during your pregnancy and they’re right, you don’t. But you also don’t ever forget how you were treated postpartum. It’ll stick with me for a long time, maybe forever. And as petty as it may sound I don’t look at certain people the same way anymore. “If you’re struggling and your people are just sitting there watching you struggle, they’re not your people.”

Writing used to be such a healthy outlet and I feel like maybe it’ll help me to just start writing it all out. Maybe then I can slowly start making sense of the last 3 1/2 years. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#personal

[anotherghoul666]

i saw the ask about being bi and i just wanted to get some perspective on my situation since you have such good advice!

i’m going on 5 years into a relationship with my boyfriend and i’ve been kind of freaking out about my gender lately. i’ve been struggling with it for as long as i can remember but i had a lot of shit going on and there was never really time to think about it seriously until recently. i’m realizing now that i’m non-binary leaning masc. i just can’t bring myself to tell my boyfriend. we’re very serious, living together and all but i know that he isn’t attracted to guys and i feel so stressed about doing things like binding and asking him to not use feminine words for me. but it also makes me sad thinking that i might never come out. sorry about the rant i just really don’t have anyone to talk this through with so i’ve just been ruminating about it for a while

Oooh, ok, this is touchy. Because I don't know you and your situation and the nuances of it. Because this is a very nuanced thing. I can't judge based on just this ask how strongly you feel about your gender identity versus how strongly you feel about your relationship. This is a decisional balance situation. You'll have to weigh your options against one another. And the weight of each thing can and will change over time. It's a tricky thing to do. I can only give you some perspective and talk about my own experience with my gender and my primary relationship.

Tough love incoming. If you're not ready to take it or hold space for it, feel free to not read. Or let me know in another ask to delete, and I will delete this message for you.

My main thing in regards to relationships is and will always be this: if you can't be yourself, truly, completely yourself within said relationship, why are you in it?

Now, I recognize I'm an all or nothing person. I see the world in black and white. I handle being alone and solitude very well. I'd much rather be on my own and happy about myself, then in a relationship where I can't be myself. I'm saying that now, today, in my current headspace, as a 31 year old with lots of therapy and self care and growth behind me. And lots to come still. I don't know how old you are. But. Ten years ago, would my answer have been the same? Absolutely not. Ten years ago I stepped all over myself and bend myself every which way people asked to fit in their tiny little uncomfortable boxes of what they wanted me to be. I DESTROYED myself doing that over decades. Destroyed. Wrecked. Reconstructed. Rebuilt. I will never do that again. I am me. I am unapologetically me and, as much as I recognize in situations like work etc. I do have to conform into societal norms, those are not relationships I chose. Unfortunately in our capitalist society you cannot choose to not work and still survive. But relationships like a couple, a partnership, friendships, family, etc. I choose fully. I refuse to choose to be in a partnership where I won't be able to be myself.

If you're scared to have these conversations with your boyfriend, to me that's a red flag. That's a bell that needs to ring and be heard. Why are you scared? Is it inner anxiety? Or did he react in the past negatively or aggressively towards similar subjects? Is it your brain assuming he won't like it, or did he clearly state he doesn't believe in gender or some shit like that? There's a world of difference between what your brain tells you and what may be the truth. A lot of times we assume and project emotions and thoughts onto people, and it turns out to not be their emotions or thoughts at all. Be wary of projection. Ask yourself why is it that you're afraid to tell him about your discoveries, your pronouns. Why are you afraid to bind. Find the source of the fear. From you, or from him. If it's a fear from within, evaluate that. Sit with it. Ask your boyfriend directly. Have the difficult conversations. You will never know for sure unless you ask and talk it out. Get his real feelings out in the open. Now, if he did say transphobe things for example and that's why you're scared, maybe he's not a great partner to keep, you know?

You have the right to come out. You have the right to be recognized as who and what you are. You have the right to be fluid and change in your identity, and anything else. By the sheer nature of your existence you have this right. Your boyfriend has the right to his own opinions and beliefs too. You'd need to know what those are tho. Not assume. Ask and know for sure. Then you have to decide.

There's four ways I see this conversation can go. 1) he's actually more fine with it that you thought and you two can flourish and continue your life path together with acceptance and love all around. 2) he's not down for the NB shit and you choose to sacrifice yourself and your identity for the sake of this relationship. That might last a few years. My prediction is you'll self destruct eventually because of the repression and it'll be a worse break up in many years than it would have been at 5 years in, because you'll have harmed yourself immensely in the process of denying who you are. 3) he's not down with the NB shit and you decide that the relationship is not what you want to continue living in. It doesn't matter if you live together and have life plans, you'll know in your heart if your identity is worth more to you than to move out and start over. 4) then there's the option of, maybe the gender discovery was not what you thought, because gender is messy as fuck and it fluctuates so much. That I can't answer for you, you have to know within if NB is really what you are or if you're just trying out pronouns and a label, see if it feels good, feels better. You have the right to try labels and pronouns in spaces other than the home if home doesn't feel safe for it. With friends, while going out, in queer spaces, online, etc. See how it feels. Does it feel strong enough and a big enough part of you to turn your life upside down for it. It might. It might not. That's up to you to decide. But live your truth.

Never settle. Settling, swallowing it down, brushing it under the rug, that might seem like the best option right now. It's the easiest. It's the avoidant option. It will catch up to you I can guarantee it. Under the rug is where things go to die and rot and fester. The pungent smell of rot will catch up to you. It will be unavoidable one day. If you ignore stuff for months or years even, I can guarantee one day, ten years from now maybe, this gender shit will come back up with a vengeance and it might harm you. Where are you gonna be in ten years? What if you ignore your gender today, ignore who you are, buy a house with this boyfriend, get married, maybe have kids if that's something you want. What then? When in ten years, what you've been repressing this whole time comes back to kick your ass. Are you gonna be able to destroy everything then to live your truth? Its gonna be way more difficult if you have legal attachments like a marriage contract, a mortgage or a kid. 5 years is a long relationship, but honestly in the scope of your life it's not that long. To stick with something that's not right because of how much time you've invested in it is not a good reason. It sounds like one. That's called the sunk cost fallacy. Or fallacy of time invested. "The human tendency to stick with endeavors in which we've already invested time, money, or other resources even when changing course would be the more logical choice." Look it up.

My sincere hope for you two is that it will go better than you assume. I was scared to tell my partner too when I started to understand what I'd felt all my life towards my body was disphoria. When I started to realize how I relate to gender was different than most people. When I wanted to see if I was trans (I don't consider myself trans, tho some NB people do and that's absolutely valid too) and I tried the masculine pronouns and identity for a while. Didn't fit perfectly right. Some things and words fit, some days it fit more than others, but some days it didn't feel right at all. The journey to land on NB she/they with a preference for they and gender neutral words was a long one and I'm honestly still not sure about the label or the identity. The only things I know for sure after two years of exploration of gender is I'm not just a woman, and I'm not just a man. That's it. It will change.

When I told my partner about the disphoria and my inkling that I had some gender fuckery going on, she still identified as a lesbian. My partner is a cis woman and for decades her identity was very very rooted in the "I am a lesbian" thing. My gender identity made her reconsider things too. I was worried that she wouldn't be into me anymore because she was such a lesbian back in the day and I wasn't a woman anymore. But the thing is, I was never a woman at all. She fell in love with me and we agreed on a life partnership and a life path together while I wasn't a woman. Because I never was. I just didn't have the right terms to describe myself with before. I didn't have the vocabulary, the knowledge. My partner had to evaluate for herself was she in love with a woman, which would have made us incompatible, or was she in love with me. She figured out she was in love with me. She was supportive about all my pronouns try-ons and label changes through the years and to this day she's my absolute rock and most supportive cheerleader ever. She takes it in stride, makes a point to ask which pronouns I want for that day, asks how I want her to refer to me to specific people, etc. She asks permission before she outs me to someone as NB by using gender neutral terms. She cares. Cause she loves me. And I love her. And we choose every day that we're gonna build our life together. If one day something incompatible comes up, and either one of us wakes up and cannot make the choice that day, cannot choose the other that day, then we'll talk about it. Have the gut wrenching conversations and decide what happens with the relationship there. But I know for a fact if she wasn't down with my gender exploration, I would have brought it up. Assuming she would have been super closed minded about it and refused my gender identity, I would have had to talk about breaking up. Cause I'm not gonna live my life with someone I'm afraid of. I will not share my life with someone whom I can't be my true self with.

Will you?

#asks #AnotherGhoul's confessional booth #long ass advice but like shit this was needed I feel

[lovemesomesurveys]

[joybucket @ bzoink] What does the shirt you are wearing look like?   I’m wearing a coral Adidas t-shirt dress.  What was the last thing that stressed you out or upset you?   My life and health related issues have been really stressing me out lately. A lot more than usual, which is a lot. 

How do you stay positive with all that life throws at you?   I don’t. I don’t do well at all when I’m going through shit. I take medications to try and help with that, but even still it’s not an end all, be all. It’s still a struggle. My doctor just prescribed me something else in addition to the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety med I’ve already been taking. I mean, the truth of the matter is these meds aren’t going to make my issues go away. I may just become numb to it or not feel like crying everyday, but the problems are still there. Maybe they’ll even bring my mood up a little, but not much. None of the meds I’ve had this far have vastly made a difference. With my current meds, not including the new one cause I haven’t taken it yet, I will say that for awhile I wasn’t feeling as agitated, irritated, or constantly on the verge of tears. That was a big deal for me cause for so long that’s how I felt all the time. I was just miserable. I felt a little less crappy. I also just felt numb I guess cause even stuff that I was stressing about my mind wouldn’t let me focus on it enough. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I’m just saying I still wasn’t happy and I’m still not. For awhile now the irritation, frustration, and low sadness has come back strong. I’m back to feeling on the verge of tears all the time. It sucks. I’m praying that this new medicine in addition to what I’m already taking will do something more. I don’t want to feel so miserable and sad all the time. I want to experience some joy again. I used to have a good sense of humor and laugh a lot, but I haven’t really laughed like that like I used to in such a long time. I don’t know what I’m blabbering on about at this point and I went on a big tangent, but this is what is on my brain right now so here ya go. What quality do you admire most in other people?   I admire people who do manage to handle stressful situations well and don’t let shit keep them down. I admire people who are motivated, driven, and ambitious. I admire hardworking people. I admire people who are so kind and thoughtful.  What is the highest level of physical pain you have ever been in? rate 1-10   >> I have never been able to rate pain on a scale. I legitimately do not understand how to do that. <<< Yeah, I hate that shit. I’ve been asked that countless time as someone who’s had to go to numerous doctor appointments and had her share of hospital stays and procedures. You get asked that constantly and I’m like, I don’t knowwwww. I hurt. That’s what I know.  ...same question, but with emotional pain?   -- What is your most prized possession?   Hmm. Which youtuber do you feel like you could be friends with easily?   I think maybe with Steph Pappas.  Do you like your natural hair color?   No. I wish I had a lighter color or the shade of red I was dyeing my hair for several years.  Do you think you will dye your hair when you start going gray?   I’ve been dyeing my hair since middle school, so I’ll definitely be dyeing when it goes gray. Though, sadly, I’ve had grays since the second I turned 30. I haven’t dyed my hair since February 2020 and it showsssss. Too many grays, it drives me nuts.  Are you pale right now, or do you have a tan?   I’m definitely not as pale as I used to be. I actually was more gray at one point. I have a little color to me now. Although, the reason I was so pale before turned out to be for several very serious reasons, so thankfully we got that sorted out.  Do you think you look best with a tan?   I do prefer to have some color.  What is your favorite app on your phone?   TikTok and the Kindle app.  How old were you when you got your first smartphone?   I think I was 15.  Do you ever meditate on Scripture?   Yes. Are you living a life you want to escape from? or do you love your life?   I do wish I could escape the stuff I’m going through right now.  When was the last time you felt that life was good?   Uhhhhhhh. Do you have one big mistake that you've made that you want to fix?   Oh, most definitely. Hands down. I truly wish I could have that opportunity.  Do you wish people would forgive you for your past so you could move on?  I’m not seeking anyone’s forgiveness.  Do you wear green on St. Patrick's day?   I don’t make a big thing about it anymore, but it was fun when I was a kid. Are you Irish at all?   I do have some Irish.  Do you pray to God every day?   No, but that’s something I want to do. What are three things you are currently looking forward to doing soon?   I don’t have anything coming up to look forward to.  Do you ever dance in the rain?   No.  Have you ever sat on a rooftop?   No, and I never would. I’d be way too scared.  Who is that last good musician or band you discovered?   I don’t recall. The past several years I haven’t been into music as much as I used to. There were a couple years where I like didn’t listen to music at all. My Spotify wrapped had nothing, haha. I’ve been listening to it more often this past year, but still not a lot. For most of my life prior I always listened to music. I couldn’t go a day without it. I don’t know what happened, honestly.  Do you like to watch talent shows like America's Got Talent and X Factor?   Yeah, like The Voice. I haven’t watched the past couple seasons, though.  Have you ever tried avocado toast?   I actually haven’t. I didn’t get on with the trend, but I’m sure I’d like it.  Name three items on your wish list right now.   I just want to get better and travel. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired and stuck in this damn bed. I feel like Grandpa Joe from Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. I hope I’ll be able to do things again and feel decent before I’m an old woman.... Are you more talented musically or artistically or neither?   Neither, sadly. I’m lame.  Are you better at English or math?   English. I’ve always been horrible at math. What were your best subjects in school?   English. What was your favorite subject in school?   English, go figure. Have you ever visited a teacher at their home?   I didn’t visit them, but I had a professor who held a lecture at his house once and served lunch. I’m not quite sure why, but it was okay.  How many windows are in your bedroom?   One. Who was your first roommate?   I’ve never had a roommate.  Who was your first best friend (besides a sibling)?   These two girls when I was in preschool, Crystal and Starr.  Do you have a sibling who looks like you?   My brothers and I have similar features of course, but I don’t think you’d know right off the bat we were related. It’s crazy how some families have super strong genes and you just know right away they’re from the same family. Like actual clones. Name three women you know who have lost a child.   What kind of question is this. Whose was the last funeral you attended or watched?   My grandpa’s.  What types of cancer are in your family, if any?   I know melanoma is.  Do you have big dreams for your future?   No. :/ My future looks bleak.  Do you feel alone?   I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. What is this month's calendar picture?   I don’t have a calendar.  What is the theme of your wall calendar for this year?   -- Have you ever seen a double rainbow?   Yes. How old will you be on your next birthday?   34. Which nationalities have you been told you look like? (i.e., Asian, Irish) Fliipino and Mexican. Both of which I am.  Have you ever had an outstanding library fine?   Nope. What book are you currently reading?   The Girl and the Winter Bones by AJ Rivers.  Are you poor/broke right now?   No. I’m not rich either. Do you hate social classes?   What do you mean? Like ones who require a lot of discussion? If so, then yes. I hated those type of classes. Seminar courses were the worst cause it was all discussion based. Have you ever received any scary, threatening messages on social media?  No. Who was your first kiss?   My boyfriend at the time.  Do you feel you have found your soulmate yet?   No. I did think I actually had found “the one” at one point. What a joke. Are you single or in a relationship?   I’m extremely single.  If you're single, do you want to be, or do you wish you weren't?   I want to be and it’s for the best. Ever collected shells at the beach?   Yeah. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin?   I’d just paint one at this point cause I don’t have the energy to carve one. It’s hard and takes a long time. Especially cleaning out all the goop. Besides, I always ended up doing the same typical triangle eyes and a goofy smile that had a few teeth. Who are three of your favorite youtubers to watch?   I have so many favorites.  What year did you graduate high school?   2008.  What do you miss about high school?   I liked the pep rallies and some of the assemblies.  What do you miss about college?   I really enjoyed being in the psych club. I was even a board member, which was cool. We did a lot of fun things. What color was your first car?   I haven’t had a car. Do you have a car now?   No. What color was the house you grew up in?   Beige. Growing up, what floor was your bedroom on?   I’ve always lived in a single story home. What is your birth order in the family?   I’m a middle kid. What would your name be if you were the opposite gender?   My mom had said Jesse.  What were you almost named?   I’m not sure. Does your bedroom have carpet?   Yes. Best camping experience?   I’ve never gone camping. I have no desire to do so. What are the top three travel destinations on your bucket list?   There’s so manyyyy. Plus, I’m so stir crazy right now and just want to go somewhere.  Do you get heartburn?   Bleh, yes. Not fun. What are three things you are known for in your town?   >> I live in a city, not a small town, so... nothing. I am just an average person amongst hundreds of thousands of other average people <<<  What are three things you are known for on social media?   I mean, on this blog I’m known for doing surveys. And complaining about my life, ha. What is your Instagram account name?   I don’t want to give that out. Have you ever used Snapchat?   Yeah, I’ve had Snapchat for several years. I rarely go on it anymore, though.  Did you want to be famous when you were younger?   When I was a kid I kind of did. I used to practice writing my signature like I was signing autographs lol. What show did you most want to be on as a kid?   Like shows on Nickelodeon and Disney. First celebrity you were obsessed with?   Aaron Carter when I was 9.  First celebrity crush?   ^^^ He was also my first celebrity crush. What was your first favorite stuffed animal?   Hm. I’m not sure what I’d say was my first favorite.  What was something unique about you as a kid?   I don’t feel anything was unique about me.  Were you ever goth/emo?   I had my emo phase. Though, I’d say it wasn’t really just a phase let’s be real. Forever emo, even if I don’t have the “look” or anymore or wear the same things.  Do you want any more piercings?   I kind of do, but I’m too scared to ever get anything done. How many tattoos do you have?   Zero. Do you want more tattoos?   I don’t have any to start with. If you had to get a tattoo, what would you get?   I’ve wanted ‘free bird’ for many, many years. Do you mostly write in cursive or print?   I write in print unless I’m signing something. Were you ever homeschooled?   Well, I had to do the independent study thing when I had to miss several months of school due to surgeries and long hospital stays. One of those times when I was in the 6th grade my teacher would come over a couple times a week to help me with homework.  Describe your dream wedding in five words.   I’ve never put a whole lot of thought into that. I wasn’t the girl who dreamt of her wedding day all her life. I honestly don’t even ever see myself getting married.  Pick three animals that you think resemble you, and why?   I don’t think any animals resemble me. Are you unique?   No. Do you get called a free spirit?   No. What day of the week were you born on?   I think it was a Tuesday. How are you feeling right now? Crappy as always.

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