#i dobt even want to be at this house i want to be at that house

[abaharashi]

I was 27 when i first discovered Night in the Woods. I was piqued by its art style and charm. I had been needing something to jist BE with. I didnt newd achievements, i didnt need scores or mechanics. I didnt need difficulty or grandiose stories that stretch across the stars and peirce hearts unseen.

I needed a game i could sit with. Take my time and just relax, and enjoy.

Gregg was a favorite early on. Its easy to see why. Everyone should have a Gregg in their life. But i quickly grew attached to Bea. I was drawn to why she waa so...snide with Mae. And given their supposed history i felt so inclined to learn more aboit Bea. And try to reform what friendship was there before things when caput.

Im not going to talk about the rest of those adventures or stories. What i want to talk about is how i am now 3 years into my transition, and playing this game through for the 3rd time now...and its so fucking cathartic in a way.

I related to Mae alot, given how i felt when i was 20. I dont have derealisation but i do get anxiety and depression. Its been notoriously bad recently.

And in a world entering the year 2024 on calander, with so much going on all the time, everywhere. I know i can go back to Possum Springs. And just try to emjoy life and get through another day.

Its not real, but i cant get out much. Adulting will do that to you. Capitalism has made it difficult regardless of age. And those trips with Gregg to the park and having a mini knife fight. Or going to the mall with Bea and shoplifting because "cool kids stickin it to the man" or finding out why Angus doesnt talk with his family much these days.

It brings me back to a time when things did seem uncertain. When i was scared and anxious. But when i also had this bravado to see another day and put 1 foot infront of the other. Because Life.

Those days are so difficult now. You go to work and then feel like super heated glass being doused in water. And you cant stay at work. You cant. Youre akin to a mannequin at that point. You have to go home because youll end up hurting yourself somehow, intentionally or otherwise.

And this great sadness overtakes you and its joined with mania and you just...dont know how youll get through the day. Or if you even want to wake up the next day.

~~~~~~~~~

I've been listening to the NitW OST for the past.... 2-3 days now. And all the tunes are so...simple in their construction and melodies. But they hold this special place in my heart. Maes House especially. It reminds me that my house and family are not like Maes. And i wish they were. Atleast in how the game portrays them presently. I cant even go upstairs to get food unless i cover up now or dress in modest fashion because transition had made people uncomfortable around me expressibg my body in ways i nevwr could before. Not in sexual fashion but showing a bit more skin and wearing tighter clothes and such. And its an insidious uncomfortable they demonstrate. They dobt say it vocally most times to try and be respectful i guess. But i can feel those thoughts burring into me and the....velcro fuzzy distortion that builds between us.

I cant be myself and they don't want me to, because it makes them uncomfortable.

So ive been going back to Possum Springs. And talking with Gregg and reading his enthusiasm helps alot. "I have a friend whos super supportive and would punch someone out for me"

"But hes not real"

I need him to be. Ok? I need Gregg to be real. I need Possum Springs to be real. I need that feeling to be real for me again. A world where im not so...beaten by life and wanting to hope for a better day bit having to fight tooth and nail for every good day i have. Where i dont have to worry about the financial burden of debts, or the worry that this procedure will set me back an additional 20k.

I just want to feel that youthful joy and energy again.

#night in the woods #gregg rulez ok #Maebea #Possum Springs #transitioning later in life #depresso #anxienty #coordinating with friends is so difficult these days #indie games #being a girl #in a sad world

[cryoexorcist]

I dobt think I ever recalled anything in their backstory that says anything other than a family of exorcists/that it's a clan. I'm assuming it's immediate and extended family as well

so I want to assume it's a high standing family with lots of money and a large house to boot. They're just separate from the politics of liyue because they deal with ghosts and spirits rather than running a nation. (though they could be very well acquainted with ningguang and possibly work for her or along side her).

honestly I'd also like to think that the family being high in status helps them get custom orders on weapons, special orders for clothes (in chongyun's case), and probably even supplies for said exorcisms. oh and private trainers.

but basically i just get the feeling that yun might come from a wealthy family, and the family sits on the sidelines. I can't even say it's an unknown family because everyone in liyue knows of how powerful yun is.

#headcanon post #am mobile rn #ill organize this and word it a lot better later on #cause i have ideas

[noro-noro-noro]

toik a nap. long dreams sorry about the spelling I just goke up

- I was astrrion baldug.ate. we were having some kind of beach episode. I could breathe underwater like in fontaine and thinfs I was holdig would also be in an air pocket. we were at the beach having a beach episode and I was explorinf on my own. half destrtoued lofehpise made of stone, seemed to be frozen in time by several ghostly stakes chained out in the air floating. after speaking to the lighthouse owner it turns out we needed to find his 7 hammers to hammer the stakes in and fix the lighthouse from it's froze postiob. tthe lighthouse owner was dead also. I realized this later after findinf all the hammwrs abd hirtj g rhe takes I j had 45 seconss to enter and loot the gouse before it collapsed into the ocean. I repent 30 of these unable to get the right angle to clinb up in, but the time reset several.

- still vale to breathe underwater, with my sister, and my dad. we were on Vacay sharing the housebwith a coworker of his and her daughter and the lughtbouse keeepers son also showed up , tall lanky had light brow hair and a bit of a tan. he had a huge crush on me and was pretty cute, but unfortunately had no sense of boundaries and that was a huge turnoff dobt touch me like yoh know ne and listen when o say back off. and don't follow me around. anyway the lady whose house we were renting had a cool pool/lake I thr backyard with old trinkets in little piggy banks under the water, so me and my sister explored and sat on the bottom of the clear lake so we would t have to socialize. later to avoid the son some more I went to bedat the same time as my sister and hid behind her bed bc he seemed to resoect her space at least. I had my phone and wanted to text my friend that I was really uncomfortable with this guy following me and tlbeibg in my space - like the first thing he did after having a very flortatious into (this was okay, I'm always opeb to flattery) was I was siottjbg chilling and he came up & put his face on my thighs and wouldn't let go. so.

- a bit of a change abdnnow I was here with a bunch of people my age, friends I think? and the son was still there but they kind of excluded him. the friends were a bit weird. maybe a little sus idk. one of the friends mom was inredihly strict andbshe lived there now too. it was me and the son cleaning up after eveyobe all the time.

the area of the land we were in was huge. we liged in a little (?) modern looking house all squares and black stained wood surrounded by like .ma nature parks worth of carefully landscaped fountains and bushes and ponds with different tyoes of fish & etc etc. I could move through mirrors to teleport home but it needed to be all the way atoubd me. there was a bitnof an artsy place and apparently some had been here earlier and broken a bunch of the pieces into tiny shards, but they were tryinf to pass the rearrabted sgarfs iff their own crstiob. I realized I needed to go home for some reason and asked them to help with the mirrors - I put my hands on it for 5 seconds and then the surface was like water and I asked them to give me a boost to dive in, but somebisy take it off the wall and dragged it to the floor, but ut wasn't all the way, my feet were still connected to the ground, abd the blibd lasy art critic ir enokoyee was here abd i don't kbkw why but i needed to hide from hwr. forst she was impressed by the broken glass sculpture before realizing it was fake and re shatteribg them on the ground, making it really difficult for me to continue to hide dowb there -i was invisible due to the mirror's??? surrounding me, but I was still tangible there was glass in my palms and my clothes.

somehow my beighbors kids even tho they moved away were still my neighbor from my mom's driveway, and we showed them our pet animals and in exchabfe they showed us ..... um... not burning our house down with firreworka..?

- we went out to the libraries. there was a city weit a recwntly cobsteucted shopping center next to the college campus and we were around there when started ti realize that some of the "friends" were traitors of a sort. a few were okay and they advised me on the underwater area north of here & I'd never done the puzzles provlery, never explored the area enough, and I found the legendary weapon the mibutrbhand a golden and divine spear ib the deeos oast the cherubic gargoules and the ghosts and the ghosts and the ... whatever the second to last area cultist boss from dd2 was the guy that ends runs he's half in half out?? the bishop? the cardinal? that guy. anyway that guy was patrollinf the ground like a centaur as well . I found several other things but I was overwhelmed by the enemy and died. respawned at home, in time.

everyone was back at one of the shitty pools in the garden - this one hasn't been cleaned and was full of leaf litter , and they were just sitting g aroubd ibbthe dirty water gossiplibf. at this point I was suddenly a dude but I had to let the son down nicely bc they kept tessibg him relentless and rather mean too .

there was a huge fight. I can't be more specific - I needed to put this orb lollipop in lava while my allies held off the enemies, who were starting to melt.m and glow lava-likebthrough theit true forms. I kept trying to drop it in but tgey were hooking it back towards them it something and we were running out of time, so I had to rip the cover of ground off and shove my whole fist into the magma. tbat hurt. but it did work! everyone was more panicked though and with my good hand I shot a water spear blast at the son, who ended up not being a traitor & he looked like he was gonna grab it but fortunately it was fast enough it pushed him out of the way. jf he'd grabbed it he wohld have gravbed me and yabked me into the collapsibg lava sphere.

so it was a win in the end ! my dad & sister returned from wherever they'd disappeared to, and we suggested going on a different vacation.

#dreams

[cosmicyachi]

.

#i cant stand this place anymore #i cant stand those guys anymore #idk if you guys remember the haunted house guy (the creep with a crush on me) #but he found my old fb acount that i hadnt used since middle school #i deleted the account since 1 i never gave him my full name and 2 i dont want him seeing anything about me #but i guess he started crying and saying that he wanted to kill himself because because i didnt accept his request #you know guilt tripping me #so now his 'boss' keeps asking about it and all that kind of shit and im so tired of it #i am 20 years younger than this guy #i want nothing to do with him #he creeps me out so fucking much i dont even want to come to work anymore #pretty much making himself out to be some super nice guy and all that bullshit but im yhe mean one in all this #im hiding out the bathroom right now cquse im shaking #i dobt want to be here anymore #moon rambles #dnt reblg

[kawaiianimeredhead]

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh

Ssssiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhh

#just me and the boys #aka the moods #i am so so tired of today abd its barely fucking started #i want to take every computer/laptop and printer around me and throw it against a fucking wall #the laptop at work's storage is full and it has been for over a year #but now some things need to update on it and its too full to do that #and ive deleted as much as i can and someone else who knows slightly more than i do also confirmed the laptop just has a shit amount of #storage and noe the fucking printer specifically scanner is fucking up then i get home and my laptop here is being slow as shit and thats #not realky new and i cant say ive actively tried to fix things but regardless its annoying its currently causing me issues and then my dads #printer whicb us the same kind of printer i have at work actually is now bot accepting the ink catridges for some reason snd insists #that it needs the set up catridges whatever that means #combined with i just hate being here and the puppy has peed twice inside when apparebtly yesterday besides at night when i was home watching #she disnt pee inside at all so now my parents are both especually annoyed about tjings #not me just they already got annoyed at the computer abd each other for differenr reasons and then i got semi pulled into #and just so many other things #and its all so so fucking annoying #nick called and sounded like he was in a good mood and im fucking annoyed that wad exactlt when i was getting pulled into things and when i #called him back a couple min layer his mood sounded a little less pleasent i think just cause it was enough time to get distracted or someth #idk but it annoys ne #i dobt even want to be at this house i want to be at that house #tag rambles #dont mind me #screams

[ilajue]

i think habing an eyepatch would be cool i want to be a purate good eth ing im not a cyclopse because then it would make me blind lol krinios can never be a pirate they just started using hethey pronouns thats oretty cool i know peolem put theor pronouns in theur location on twt but my location has heen eeby deeby so long that ove gotten attached and i dont want to change it plus id knt want peopke to refer to me and also i pick fights with elons wierd nerda on twt enough that ut woukd be easy qmmo for them i dont thibk not having labled pronouns makes me a bad person its just not somthibg i want because im kinda figuring out gender rn yk i feel pressured to di ut because i want to nake trans peopke feel safe but also it doesnt seem like that big of a deal but akso i dobt want peolle to send ne hate because even tho it doenst rky bother me ut is uncomfy to delete death threats from your dms whixg is what i did today but mf also xalled me slurs publically so hes been blicked and reported. peolle rly go so far to defend their investments on twt the crypro community is fucking insane imagine getting so pissed off that some kid is making fun of your waifu muskrat and your favorite cryptocurrency "cummies" that you harrass them for an hour wuth death threats lol no life anywyas one experience i will never forget is one time in 6th grade it was 3am and a car drove past my house playibg loud mucic but it wasnt party kusoc or anything it was eliza hamilton singing burn wtf why where thy ey pumping that i remember being excited at the time becaud ei really liked hamilton but looking bqck that dhitd confusing i like hamolton i thinkbthat thr music is good but lin manuel mirands voice irritates me and also some parts of that play where pretty racist plus the setting of the play was also not gold for poc extras i think i saw a testemony from an extra about it i was gonna read but it was long ajd i got distracted. becaus of that i try not to listen to the musoc on spotify but also at the end of the day im onky one perskn and a spotify stream is like a quarter of a cent and also even if i was listening on youtube im still givong profut to yoytube and whatever fucked up company thats advertizing their child labor made products to me bro if we had no child labor laws today thry would absoltuley never be put in place. i want a motorcycle because i think i would look cool but also i dont want to get hit by a car yk why do peopke want to pee when they gear rubnibg water whats the wvolutionary benfit to that like did monkes see water abd be like yah i want to contaminate thzt so bad. also why isnt there a shit version of that how come we dont have a sound that induces shit like the brown note i liked that epidode of south park it was the first episode i saw and it was funny but i saw it with my dad and he taljied about the revolutionary animation of southpark and how it was super techbologicakky advaced fot thr time and i didnt pay attention vecaue i didnt care but south park is cool i dont trust peolle who say its their favorite show tho vecause thry are probobly very bad at picking up on the sarvasm of it yk the song in southpark movir got nominated for the song version of the oscars and the three dude crators got incredibly high as showed up in dresses they walked so thst harry styles could run the song was avout hating canada it sgould have won also the guy in the pibk dress looks good he kinda popped off look up the pictures anyways damn bro its betime i dont thy ink anyone read this :]

#hmm thought dump #how braingo #long post

[galaxygalthemess]

i need to vent about eating habits in my house

tw: mighy border on eating disorder talk and other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, adhd.

ok SO.

in my house my parents eat at opposite times from me and unsafe foods for me. unsafe as in my adhd has a big food texture component, which is 90% why im a picky eater. not a good texture, my stomach clamps up and insists im not hungry until i can get safe foods. so i eat like 1-2 meals a day, usually fast food when my parents arent looking, and i hate it. so i talked to my therapist and she suggested i try to plan out for me to make dinner, at least for myself, once or twice a week.

HERES THE FUCKING PROBLEM: MY PARENTS ARE THE FUCKING WORST AT STICKING TO SOMETHING.

the ammount of times my mom has said 'we are going to try and do this' and just gave up afte r the third day is astronomical. i dobt know till i get home what our fucking plan is, if there is one. sometimes shell try to ppan food but by the third day, like clockwork, i come home ready for the plan and its all blown to bits for NO GOOD REASONS USUALLY. and she never goes back to it! and this isnt just with food, and that throws my entire life into a constant state of anxiety, but i digress.

so ya i talked to her, she said ok. i told her what i can make that i can eat. i even told her unsafe foods for me. a big ones are soup, certain meats and how they are prepared, and in general shit ive never tried. that give me so much anxiety i could cry. so today, it was lunch, but i l dont eat breakfast so my first meal of the day. i had everything ready to make hamburger helper, because its easy to reheat so ill eat more later and it sounds good. hell I BOUGHT EVERYTHING FOR IT MYSELF. before i start, my dad offers to make lunch, so i told him my plan.

i am then informed that I cant do that because its "too heavy" and we were having jambalaya. this is something ive never had before. so i had to have something else, which make me almost sick (texture of the cheese). i then just went to mcdonals, wasting money and eati g more grease than i want to, but at least it was safe enough so i could feel ok.

now im home, they ate earlier, so i would have to reheat it. im too scared to smell it honestly, because i dont want to for e myself not to eat another night and bury the food in the trash. they do this a lot. they spring hard foods on me but it takes days of begging for them to concede to any food i like. and they are foods they like too. i just want to make the meal earlier, but i dont want to make my dad sad, so im probably going to eat a snack that will still hurt but at least fill my stomach. because i really dont like chips and candy as much as i eat them, they are just what we usually have that is safe enough for me to eat.

i feel like crying but also used to it. this is how they treat everything. i still dont have wifi to do hw except right under there feet, where they complain i am all the time, for 2 years, no matter how much i tell them. it doesnt help all my meds lessen my apetites. i feel im developing bad habits ill never get out of. at least i lost 10 lbs on accident i guess.

#tw mental health #tw eating mention #tw eating stuff #tw eating disorder #mental health #eating disorder #adhd #anxiet #depression #vent #rant post #personal rant #rant

[jrbalufbfnzl]

20.01.19

Smoking in the morning is deadass the death of me. I want to quit so bad for motivation,health and money and also bc i don't want to be addicted to anythibt bc it sucks and i want my creativity back (as if i ever had some ) but overall im just utterly unhappy and lowkey anxious all the time. I also want to stop eating and take pills to sleep all day for it to be painless but i have to ttzke care of my son and my daughter its really hard to be in the middle of smth rlly healthy abd hezling and having all the demons glazing on the other side. I mean i have erything i wabt and need (nice house,two d

of my fav dog breeds,designer shoes i always wanted,all the music instruments i ever wanted, a fire ass computer and i worked my ass off for all that. I swear ill get to work when all my paint stash will be dried n expired. I quit hard drugs a year ago n stopped taking pills to have fun or numb out the pain since months idk how many exactly cuz im actually kind of scared of suffering while i die n shit or havr my brain permabebtly damaged. I have so many projects i cant get my mind to do,i dobt have aby motivation although i actuallu trust in my projects. Except from smokibg thered nothing i can turn into a routine, not even starving or feeding n walking my two children. I lost 1kg and put them back on in a two week spawn i dont have anu motivztion to workout, i canna cut my legs off. Its bot uch but its a lot to me sincr i was 3kg away from my goal wright so thats 1/3rd of the rozd. I relapsed w self harm like a month ago,it was pretty bad but i known worse. Idk what to di w my life and my bf but im focusing on ly life and if he leaves my ass its ok he wasbt the one and its one problem less, ion have any strenght to fight for him i can only passively stay bc i just dont feel like i have anh value to him. But he told me he thought i was pretty this morning and i will journal evrry sweet momebts and compliments to feel safe again. Ion wannz seek for jis validatiob that much but its painful to be w someone n thinking they dont value u or even think youre pretty. Even tho know i hav a bad relationship w my appearence and looks in general. The first toll on my self esteem and when things started to go downhill wzs a yezr ago. We had grrat moments since of course but nothong substancial compared to our first months i think ? I least secually because i was never happy, not even once, xith my body since a yezr. It weighs hevzy. I want to go back to ballet classes so bad aswl. I hate this pandemic for the first time and its not making me bend towards resistznce, i comply and isolate and im just looking around thibkine damn son. V first world problem ik. I have no onr to talk to in the sense of i dont really wanna complain bc thats all ill do. The brain fog thibgy is pretty bad eveb tho ik i recovered parts of my ability to read b focus znd stuff but smoking is bringing me down again i soent so much time fighting the fatigue when i couldve solve things. But anxiety is a bitch so i guess i have to deal with it as well. im grateful that i have a new shrink n a good one even tho it costs money. I have an appoibyment this evening to talk ab surgery to my psychiatrist and well see what she thinks of it bc i wont be able to change her after i comed cleab but well see, if its a hard no im paying for that mf straight up and ill see later for my tooth ? Idk. cant borrow money to this friend no more because im not in good terms w him bc of my bf n im afraid to work bc im afraid thzt he hurts me bc hes bummed about it. Im afraid of vengence where i wish he would aprove,empower me to do it, come w me to protect me and pick me up when im done. Ik its a lot to ask and thts why im even more grateful for my best friends support.

My bfs mom is coming over n i cannot stznd her toxic ass so im staying in bed pretending to sleep. Ik itd disrespectful but i dont rrally care at that point. I feel dead and empty.

I have an unpaid comission work to fo n i have 0 willpower and focus even tho the elements of composition n the composition itself for the drawing are laid down already. First shitty draft was 90% i approved i just dont have aby energy to focus and make it good. Ill to it anyway bc rhe deadlines in a few days.

I hate the phone and how long i spend staring at it

My nails are soft i cant scratch i hate it aswl

Went to sleep woke up m gna sleep again til my appt w the shrink

[shatteredheart-girl-blog]

soo like 1 week ago I discovered Im not a true friend... bc even if I listened to you (...ex friend) everything you said and try to cheer you up with everything you say it.. im not a true friend all bc I cant help you physically (bc we are both from other countries) ...wow.. thanks.. that hurted a lot...

you know I have a shit life too you know it I told you always... I been rejected so many times, my family relatioship is awful and some ubcles wants me to put me out of my house, sometimes I hate myself so much that I think suicide is the best path but I dont reject any of my friends... If they want to tell me something bc they are happy I listen to them... even if I feel like Im dying inside bc of depresion. But you? you get depressed and shut everyone or me at least "no i dobt want to talk is not the moment" ok I get it... I will not disturb... but hey... maybe I cant help but I always listened to you... everytime ...

At least you have people that worries about you in the social net... (your website is lile tons of followers and you get tons of ask...)

me instead I have some (of course on my main account that is not this one) byt you know... nobody ask me something... not even "hey how are you?"... nothing.. people say so many beautiful things on your drawings you got longs looooongs messages... cute messages.. and me? nothing :')... just nothing... well maybe only a "cute"... and thats it...

but I NEVER EVER shut you down like you do to me I always listen to you bc sometimes I could be dying and just bc I listened to you that sadness on my soul fade away...

so.. yeah thank you for being a ..good friend you were a truly friend for me... i think you drew some of my ideas and it was fun... hope you are getting good at everything... at least you are the only one that may susceed in art stuff.. (bc me... not im still... bad at art and drawing) .....

-your "fake" friend

#this was hurt #i cant put thisnon my main... bc ima coward... #still miss murasaki... and every dumb thing we chatted.... #depressed #depresion #i want to kill myself #lonely #alone #forever #i hate to lost friends... #i dont have friends #only a little like 2... #........

[fairysharkmother]

hey its the person about the boyfriend who I think is emotionally abusive and questioning being with him etc im sorry to bug you but I dobt know what t to fo I need your guys help it's getting to rb e point where I feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest whenever I he t a message I get nervous and scared and worried when I talk to him I need yor help

Hi there, Baby!

I hope these are the correct asks, they’re the only ones I could find regarding this issue from any recent time. (if they aren’t please just re-send them to me and I’ll re-address the issue for you, Baby) But regardless of what follows I need you to know this. I have been exactly where you are. I know what you are going through and I want nothing more than to help you remove yourself safely from the situation you are in. 

sorry for lumping this in ur ask but i don't have anywhere else to turn to. basically my boyfriend appears to be quite bitter and snappy at me recently. its because we're not seeing each other as much anymore -we broke up not long ago but got back together shortly after, haven't told anyone so can't rly stay round his house late.(1/?)

(2/?)he's mentioned that he was thinking abt breaking up, abt if he wants to be in a relationship like this and he even suggested an open relationship - which only bothered me because I've explained I don't want other people involved before and he knows how insecure and easily jealous i get. instead of apologising he had a go at me for freaking out and told me to stop talking about that shit cus i was making it worse. hes been very distant and v short with me via text

(3/?)so i get upset and then again he tells me to stop it and says he doesn't want to talk to me if im being like that. he denies being short and snappy despite his replies being like 2-3 words long. at this time my mental health is suffering and idk what to do idk if i want to be with him anymore tbh we broke up before cus of how he was acting towards me me and others a have recognised him as being emotionally abusive in some aspects but idk.

(4/4 i think i lost count) it upsets me that im terrified im gna lose him or he's gonna cheat or find someone else but he comes across and giving literally zero shits about us. i point it out and he gets all sarky. basically he's doing a bunch of shit and making me feel crap about my reactions then not explaining/apologising. sorry if this seems petty and stupid but idk where else to go i don't have anyone else i can talk to. thank u guys for everything

My ex did EXACTLY these things to me. The only difference I can see is to keep him happy I gave into his “open relationship” idea (because he wanted to sleep with our tall, blonde lady friend whom he KNEW I was already jealous and insecure around because he would openly flirt with her in front of me.)

It’s going to suck, It’s going to be shitty. It’s going to be hard. For your safety and sanity you need to leave him. Don’t let him contact you for a while after, don’t reach out to him for a while after. You’re going to want to run right back to him (trust me on this. My ex dumped me 4 times before the relationship actually ended because I realized what was happening. Every other time I felt like I ‘needed’ to be with him to function/survive/be happy and i would literally crawl back and beg him to take me back)

I know you’re afraid to lose him but if you don’t lose him you will lose yourself and who you are and that is leaps and bounds worse. He is absolutely being abusive from what you’ve told me and I want you to make sure you are safe, Baby. 

I’m not sure what other advice I can give you but if you want to speak with me more about my experience you can do so here, just send an ask/submit with ATTN : Sebastian or hit me at my personal tumblr (whatwolf).

I love you, Baby,

Sebastian the Sea Otter

#abuse #abuse cw #abuse tw #emotional abuse #Anonymous

[cheesecake666]

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#i have no fuckinf persojal space anymore #im sittinv on the floor of the fucking laundry room typing thso #my room isnf mine anynore #i cant stau in the room i was in anymorw #i have to sleeo in the fuvking living foom #i xabt do tjid #where will all ky stuff go #my brither is gojbg to tear up my art ajd eywthing and breake my phone wjile everyone just shrigs and tells me to wait #fuck you all #thid house doesbt feel like a home anymore #i want to go to school just to be sway from all of you #i cant tske tjis #dammit dammit dammit #isy so coold #i dobt ecen know whatd mine anymore #its all my sisters #my clothes markers pens papsr #she coulf use them because they were in here room according to her #yknow i dont even have a fucking bed anymore #its in the dumpster because theyre was sonethjng wronf woth it. #niw all im allowed to do is watch my brother #evwry fay every night until he goes the fuvk to sleep #im si fuvkinf done with everyone and evwrythinf.

[alienbussie]

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#whyyyy whywhywhy everytime im upset my mum asks if im ok and ill either tell her and she eont listen and then yell st me #or i tell her i dont want to talk abiut it snd she yells at me #and my dad just trivilaises my being upset #he saw me cry and walk into an enpty house and he comes over the bext day and makes fun of me being upset and shares looks with my mum #like i know that everyone says thst everyones here for you #but it really doesnt feel like it at all #like my mum knows im upset but shed rsther be with her partner #and i know he needs support right now more then me #but even a little from my family would be nice #i have 1 friend that cares but i feel like i cant talk to anyone because i dobt kniw why im feeling how im feeling #i just want it to be over

[lovesthekpop]

A couple minutes ago I finished the knowing bros episode with exo and I can't stop laughing at the Minseok hitting a beehive and then not being able to get away.... But really it's just that it triggered a memory of my three older brothers (when we were younger probs 2004) running into the house while a swarm of bees were chasing them because they threw a shoe at the hive.

#It was it so freaking hilarious like they just ran in out of breathe #with bed stings everywhere #but we couldn't go out for about an hour #honestly I dobt even know why my autocorrect doesn't want to cooperate with me Imma just turn it off #my older brothers are always doing dumb shit #one time during holidays at mexico because my parents house used to be empty so the weeds would grow so #we had to remove and burning them in a pile was the easiest way of doing it caus it was winter and already dry #so they make a pile but they dont clear its surroundings enough and turn it on that the entire yard catches fire #and theres also wind going on and the neighbor keeps his hey for his animals right outsode our driveway entrance that it too catches fire #so were out there trying to put out the fire on his hay #it was hilarious at the time and its still hilarious now #😂😂😂😂 #we joked the entire time that we could go back to the us because we had made our yearly fuck up in mexico on the first day

[oyasuminerd]

Since I'm under 25 and prescriptions r free the doc at the clinic got me pain meds but honestly my leg didn't/ dosnt hurt past like like a few hours of the break

Anyway I'm on the couch trying to be nocturnal to make this fasting bullshit easier so I'm just gonna ramble about this whole fiasco.

Tuesdays r dnd days and I always get picked up since I dobt drive and the neighbourhood we go to isn't great so no one would let me bike there. So I get the here text and head out the door..and like trip over my own feet and slam into the ground. I've sprained my ankle before so that felt pretty familiar but the pain in my right calf oof. I didnt even try to stand I just shifted to a more comf position and leaned back agianst the door focusing on my breathing ad my friends rushed out of the van to help.

I sat there for a while longer before trying to stand and instantly the broken leg is jut like no and I'm like yea this isn't happening. So I have a friend on either side of me helping me up and I'm hopping on my sprained ankle to the van and get in the back. And as we start driving I get really light headed for a a few minutes looking back on it I mightve been goig into shock but that passed. We get to dnd and Sean our dm is a nurse so he comes out looks at my leg which in the span of 5 minutes has swollen up huge and goes yea that looks like like a fracture u need an xray. And off we go to a clinic.

Since both my legs r fucked he carries me in and they get me a wheelchair. Funny story the secretary there is a friend of my mom's which I found out later that night. So I tell the Dr about what happened he thinks it was abuse and he made me promise I'm ok which is nice he was worried but also a little annoying I'm just that clumsy ok. And he didn't think it was a break he thought it was just soft tissue damage but he sends me to get the xray anyway and low and behold it's a clean break all the way through a bit below the midway point. So he tells me I need to get a boot and I'm goig tog a fracture clinic the next morning art 6 am. Fun.he asked if if wanted anything for pain and I originally said no but but the point was made that it would be free so I I said ok.

While I was getting the xray we passed through the pharmacy and Taylor got me a lil webkinz bunny. And when I came back from the doc reviewing the xray my BFF elicia was in the waiting room and even she was shocked seeing how fucked my leg was.

We go get the boot and thankfully that's in the same building. Less cool is that shit costs fuckig 260$. Sean paid said it's my Christmas present. Then they roll me back out to the van and plop me back in my seat while they return the chair and grab my pills.

This whole Time I was debating what was gonna happen next but it was decided I'd go hangout but we wouldn't be doing dnd. See pizza was orders before I fucked everything up so everyone was like ur gonna come have pizza first. The issue is they're ont the second floor. I got carries half way up the stairs and he was starting to lose grip and I'm feeling bad so I'm like I'll just scoot the rest of the way.

I have a alice of pizza elicia gives me a donut we have a chill time and eventually I txt my mom to come get me. I've been txribg her the whole time keeping her up to date and she had been trying to crowd source some crutches from her friends and coworkers a lil bit into the drive home she gets a solid hit on the crutches so we turn around and go grab those.

When we finally get to my mom's I tried and failed to use the crutches. I took a few steps before pathetic ly falling to the ground scraping my knee and thumb k the edge of the driveway and ending up in the grass. I just sat and cried in defeat while she ran to get my brother and they both helped me get to the door.

Now my mom's boyfriend is in a wheelchair so I was like if there's any place I'd want to be while I'm this fucked it would be here but for a lil while we really had no idea how I'd get around since rhe crutches where a no go nut eventually mom remembered Shawn ( her bf) has an old commode chair which is basicly a bed pan with a toilet seat on wheels but hey it works and that's how I've been getting qheeled around the house since then.

Fracture clinic told me I'd need a cast up to my thigh for 3 months and even then it might not heal properly or I can get surgery either a rod or a plate will get put in and I could be healed a whole lot faster. Obv surgery is the only really viable option.

Surgery system sux I'm fasting from midnight to potentially 9pm waiting for a call to say it's happening today or not. I've just entered day 3 of this.

[onebillionainairimanofchain-blog]

Theirs this side attack

And and theif he takes woman

And and abuse them

I died they took me and use ghost to steal

My name is biz

Theyer goes the buser he sees it again

get up. Get up and steal from ppl

They take from ppl they think im im in a dream but the dream thats this is all lies

But they raped me

Naw i just goes to sleep and dont dream

I live in a world where make belive is posible

But its not real real

Thry ey googly eyes that man have he comes out looks walkes out and sticks the whole house he sprayed walks back and goes to the bathrooom sticks of poisen he pies use is my penis to pee shits all over the place flushes the tolet then he washes his hands

Goes back to the room sit on his bed and waches while he playes with other girls and playes the other woman in the front like a patty cake she does what ever he does he just told her to play something while he controls the tv and they shoot the back of the guy

He walks down the hallway drops is crack

Then he marks it saying this is my crack

When the town forgot

He spitly gave the world nothing lies so 50 and g-unit put up trillions of dollars and used this money to give to the kik of town

The money story changed ...forget about the abuser they dont that was a dream

Listen.. He gave money to all even the government police he gave money to the the state of queens

To all the females and shemales and guys black poeple to white people and gave back to the intellent of shoools ....i like to smoke im the king the prince ur gaurdian ur love of ur life im urs but...not anymore i can feel the love this town gives me i dobt know where i am or where im going... My names is that i for got ...my feet are tigling

The air changed and i want to smoke again

I died in the year 2061 im back now

I saved all of u they killed me to cuz i took

When they raped me killed hit me with a car ran over me space took me and chainged me

I bacame the leader of the capable free town i gave money but the town left they kept moving to borrow to borow they left

And they ....well they took my dream and made it to reality is this is the bold planet i see look ahead they dont belive it gave money to the real love of ur lifes all he wanted was sex from a woman but he was a vergin everyday cuz he died in his sleep but dont recitate cuz he will wake up again

To love and honor ur code

Love thy enemies they will love u that u gave to them

I gave money to mom all the time

But all i wanted was money bavk in return

I wanted to live here but thwy kept pushin me out to smoke i wanted to smoke in the house but i was outside being a leader and fighting ghost i always do they train me

I have a baby on my back

I say come out come oyt

But the bag is full of pleasent things for u

They keep shooting the air and i say u killing me stop shooting the air

The spaceships want me to go

But where i home

I gave things to ppl of cuples

I even clean them but i barely see the cops standing that i wonder that they stick i can make them brand new smeling

But i cleaned my self

My panther is here with me sorry mom thats what sticks my ghost hellhoud that i have

My dogs are happy they listen to me and they smoke wit me every wgere i go they love smoking wit me my hellhouds

Im single devorsed not married

I ahve pleanty of wifes

I took them to give money to them

My real name is opitimuz

But i goes by optimuz

Im a worior

Im ur guide

Im urs only i want is to fly with all of u ppl

I want bodie armor so we can fly

I jump of the roof in this building

I see my hellhounds but they tell me to let go of them so they can leave. I xan give everybody a cat and dogs. And food and

The i can seend a prayer to ur door

I am jesus christ the cardi. Of the town

I was the first person to sin

So god killed me again and again

I can die anytime i dont like being alone

I have the team at hands anytime i want

I cant live by myself cuz i can kill myself again

And it herts i cant do anymore to die for u

I wake up from a blank spell i dont dream and i dont get up to hurt u

I sleep peacefully with u too

I need a woman to live me and honor my code of respect

All i want from u is for to not leave me broke

My pockets are broke alll i get is becuz the money isnt right

Let me tell u something i forgot they took from me and i had to pay full price but this is the way its supppose to go

10cents is a ten dollors 1 sent u can make it 1 dollor to 1000...100 its more then its is

My mom has my money

Cuz i cant have mothing yet cuz i have non im suppose to lcive wit her im juat a kidd too i child at heart but im alll grown up

I can be 1 years old or two or goes to year billion of leave to back to when i died to die agian here i am to sleep again

I dont want to goo

I cant sleep anymore

I have to stay awake freedy kruger takes me

He puts me cardi to sleep i cuz im a killier

Just like freedy

I killed in my dream cuz well we just killed eacchother all the time

Im he. Ghost i can change my name is mystic

I cant go on nomore to nomore

Wit this ....when i died i died for u

They keep trying to catch me cuz. They took my ghost and all of my names

From biggie to tupac from imok to eminem

From 50ty to 5ocent .. I was told they told me that i was the new 5oty to cure the town i took out names but is lies i have all ready

They shot me. Again

I went down they keep being abusers

I hate gun fire i get scared

Please dont shoot at me

Im a kings im urs but i forgot my nieshiation im suppose to be a hero for all the gangs in the city thats when they took from me

Cuz i have god wit me

Bye for now

They keep saying to rob me

Yhey on my house

And they like to abuse me

Can u please help

Im a dead man im not a gurl

Im god and i live with alot of ppl

They protect me when im in and out

[jayundergod-blog]

Ultimate fear to me.

Say ive smoked some marijuana and im those thinker type when i smoke the chiba. Well suddenly im surrounded by only those bearing tone of demons prophane barbaroc behaviors. I dobt want to go to hell, and this fleshed out before my eyes is the nature of my worst fear. I am not only God Fearing, but damn nervous because Ive nearly awakened what I call the real me, an innervoice guiding. And i have begun eliminating distraction. I have cleared my thoughts and sight of many distractions. And have started to have a certain space for any almost all items under my use amd home. One thing that adds to another frustratoon os not remembering drawers or table or nooks random/common items did put that buisness card? Or it could just be a real pressue on moment and those 3 like mechanical reaches with your hands and ready to go in 5 seconds. I am comparing this new day 1 moment for me to Change from within. In order to make positive impact on future sitiations and various choices given, I have to jump way out of familiarity. I dont know how to make a friend where drugs and alcohol arent at least in the introductio. Its been over 20 years outside of my sponsor in an AA run since I have made any friends outaide of Getwasted Land. And its alnost like some of these people down here might be animated workers of a divine purpose. . Another reason my greatest fear revolves around Hell is Part A: my consistence in screwing up my life and Part B: randomly manipulating in or believing the reason for myaelf that My heart is attatched the right way, I believe God intended to place a mountain of pain shame and addiction and pride, occourances 1 after another saying put down the beer weed dream. Its not working. Test? bad test? CRASH collisions. wrecks.. Sexual imoralities that put me in only tighter, I like to think of as an irrational coat of shame. Switching schools over 20 times social bonding just seemed to naturally wade into the wastelabds. It was cool to say **** things, skip class and sneak a J. So still part B: reason for my greatest fear sometimes i worry my desire to fight evil with fire kind of mentality of a grey angel badass has to often and with any levels of sincerity been ... non supportive of God, and a compmete self failure. I am a highly successful failure. The tides of life had been decided to ensure have a livable income for life. All my lab blood tests come back good. Inspite of ludacrouis unprotected promiscuity and abusing chemicals alcohol included at very high danger quantities and lengths of time. To paranoid to bruah my teeth, and involved with the addict community they really do mess with my toothbrush when i let them know they can not live in my spare room area or you've got to go period. So the balance of pride and shame are big with me. Im simply putting it this way. I am very smart. Like, words don't automatically limit my perception and i discover ideas, inventions, ways to improve systems namely in buisnesses etc. But i believe i may have discovered a few awarnesses in the light of creation that had been considered. And i flow with innovation so much i didnt even write inventions down anymore. But im starting too now. I dont know if tbere is evil in my motives to understand, and my motive to protect the earth with my creative discoveries within the gift of life here. Glory all goes to God. And i feel pride and shame when i point something out like "this motivated by my naturally good heart amd my true self is a divine discovery. I am probably the first to say Ive beaten Lucifar hands down on 3 areas very simple. 1: there is guarenteed 1% of love within this entitty from the bible, And Lucifer is afraid of this within himself. He fears the capacity in his heart. Lucifer fears himself. And that tiny igmored reality of love is capable of seeking forgiveness and apologizing to his creator. Yea i could be nuts but 2: humans, generally any life form brought into light given the breath of life to seek the water of life, are conditioned, refined, we are born with lack of understanding and in time develop sincere amd forced pursuit of underatanding. I take it Lucifer just suddenly came into light an angel with uncomparable tangible working knowledge with math, music, stars, and whatever elae. Put Satan up against a regular devloped human and there is much to gain from the journey in being. Where satan just woke up with his bed made and an attitude similar to mine perhaps. "This can be better". Is where i stop the line. I assume God ridicule came from the statue with emotions and knowledge. Who should be a professilnal liar if he believes himself that his strength and power are not extensioms of God to begin with. Have to be a wicked bad liar to claim pride and ownership of anything whatsoever under the light. And finally 3 i feel im going to remember the 3rd way I checked the scariest guy in hell. But yeah no? assuming the story true, wouldnt the capacity in hiz heart be to close to deny and create fear and the most depressing "what am i going to wear today" moments? Before showing the tear in his eyes emotions. this waa a really long stretch of a first blog in life. Im considering Blog 2 to be straight down to the knit. My **** and my luster. None of you will likely know me so ill drop down my guard and even get into the pride/shame like. yes i was on that crack like they were infinity packs and the only translatable view to the edge lf my heart beyond the mountain God may have intended to be in my way. And yes for sure real sexual absurditiesn have been a matter if exploration and i found the most go to being ones least condoned like im straight but a few times on thjs other drug, the only reaskn the drug would be any jse to me if I went straight tranny freakazoid fk or even longer than 12 straight ( kind of) hours. I made a bjg ordeal of it too because i live in comparing to a waizt to shoulder hi body of water like fear. Im always nearly always in fear of something. Even if its just in a house all alone I am watching my tone and volume to not disturb the entity or embarrass myself. And theres usually a lot of BS running around my zone too. But anywhoo, scared of the SwaT teams and demons in a hotel, after the first usual 3 hours of eyes attatched to all directions i can notice without moving i said im going to max this **** out right here yeeaaaaa and i was doing poses for the potentials whoever stands at a second floor hotel window for 3 hours. You catch the drift. Sure part of the freaknicity invomved is mentally appealing. Im nkt going to lie. The flesh of a woman looking jedi equipped i mean has to be no sembalance of a male but thats neithr here nor anywhere for me because this isnt like, my hearts reach in any way. Since the last time i freaked off i encountered sexual encounter with an at the time friend lady and then almost a second time with the hottest coat rack breast formation i ever need to remember. Well she pulls out the money for intercourse part and now i am in not only great confliction but with a prepared spirit for the one of the highest priority lessons I could learn or be corrected on. And just then came a foundation of knowledge and vision. Flesh perveree barbaric using eachother like another drug or relieving some pain or just sheer addicted. Ive never had a time i can remember where there is something between us not being impprtant to me in the sack of awesome goods. If there is no relation there to me now more than ever, then jt is absolute perversive use of the flesh and body. I hope i dont get some effect of a born habbit and tranny zerg away my problem and enhanced self confliction. Hey that was mostly because damn new drug new coping mechanisim, and there are countless survielance vultures and sure there are good birds too but ive raised a lot of attention. I just let go on the FBI something about FBIs mom too. And maybe i just want the 3rd particles in good hands but I cant trust a comey supporting organization who are either ignoring the messed up bridge and back up the lies or they are beings without common sense. Plus some other group(s) i may or may not belong too. Im an expert **** up trying to move out of this world vast potential into a framing of the only way i see contributing chance to 5 generations from now to be atleast alive bearably. But no the world unison is buy what they say to buy no matter what healthier and bio friendly lower cost solutions are hidden from us. What would evolve in systems and technologies supressed by our ROTH oppressors fancy dress night club, is probably far beyond any imagination. But we want to say its cool ill stcik with gasine and everything else unto death. Whats a future generaton? I dont see blood on my hands yet. Not my problem. Or worst yet of the whe set is the sad existance of knowing that better is a controlled possibility removed from possibility by a few tactics to keep humans focused on other problems like, never never represent the problem with details about the CIA plane crash bringing cocain into america. Dont put on the news 24,311 bombs were dropped on other countries. Like is it 100s or thousands of oilline breaks per year? Either way they don't want you to see the pentagon lost 6.5 trlion bucks whoops . And tobaccoo being a substantial source of tax revenue. Whatever moneys not the problem here. Its how ks your FDA cool with 6000 known additves to a ciggrrate? and youre good with modified organism (gene manipulated plant life namely fruist and veggiesbyou can claim intellectual rights to tomatoes now by altering its DNA) that most consumers would lome the right to know but man its over with. Im either going to just die one day... Or I'm going to dye knowing i threw down a few sparks that reached a storm the ROTH associates will have to get stepping. Go buy your own planet or island of youre so obsessed with being king lizard man. Destroying the offspring futures chance of a liveable world and potential of decent m humanity instead of 10 billion people having to suddenly adjust with the last forseeable year with petro fuels or stop kilming the world. stop taking more grip over our societies industries and market lkke..... I know allegedly 90% media is slapped into air by atleast 1 out of just 6 mega corps. Sl is that lime our clothes are probably boiked up to ROTH brands? ummmm blog 1 i might S sell have gave an essay i worked on a year in the American college system at the podium with the XYZ or funny stain black shirt liike.... Yea l make this mire worth while and if it fails me or i fail i might even try a second blog life. But i realoze the value in these blogs being revved around free introduction to inventions. All the way up to a new style of buildings. lkke really hard to see as anything but futuristic, easier, and better in at least a few distinct ways. #1 perk of this technology given we are not on unlimited resource world but ements kf the housing structure are intact by such a way that it can be reutilized and ultimately there is potential for a no waste technology that reaches every door in the earth thats been done up the new way. Syria Afghanistan ans in general the countries that had devestated ways of lives of countless individual lkves of family members pretty much need to be rebuilt by this building technogy unseen. And the speed should be quicker as well. blog1 the ramble of death. the simplicity in taking base technology and enhancing them with personal and ho.e life is not only missing from our choices but unbelievable how eaay it would seem to accomplish the evidence of .mmm It only seems impossible because its not on tap at any restaurants we know. Partly why i have arranged a vision of my most hoped for life one without its core an office and a desk but one built from the potentials of imagination. Imagination being in part most crucial in expanding reality. Alright next one will be shorter sweet cut and dry. The facts in my peraonel history. ps im paranoid schizo like pretty much everything frim swat teams, demons, and ritualistic annual sacrifice held secretly in the depth expanse of a tunnelways descendance into reality where only one hope has life, that is Lord God mercy.