#i do have a specific art style that my commissions are typically in but i try to accomodate as best as possible

[artistsof1d]

1D Artist Masterlist

An ongoing list of artists willing to create art for you and your fics! Will be updated as more artists sign up using the form here.

Ash

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Manips, Comics

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: I prefer creating Louis, Harry and Larry fan art as that's what I'm used to, however I am working on my style more to include the other boys. But for now, Harry, Louis and Larry. I prefer not to create nsfw fan art at this moment in time, but can create suggestive manips and moodboards. Also, I prefer to create for more fluffy topics and stay away from dark and dddne themes. My style at the moment is mainly cartoon-like but I am working on my more realistic art.

Will NOT create: NSFW fan art, dark and DDDNE themes. Art for pairings outside of the 1D boys (exceptions to Lewis Capaldi).

Timeline: At least 2-3 weeks beforehand

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @enchantedlandcoffee

Discord: enchantedlandcoffee

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: ashtheduckling

---

Zjo

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: i’m mediocre at moodboards, so i prefer to make drawn art, but i’m happy to make a moodboard if someone really wants one, lol

Will NOT create: ships that are not between some combination of the five boys- no external pairings plz

Timeline: depends on what you want! if you want something quick and small, a week will generally be fine. if you want something involved and complex, i’ll need more time.

Commission information: i do not take money for art, but if people want to donate in my name to specific causes, i will happily encourage that

Contact info:

Tumblr: @justanothershadeofblue

---

T

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: the OT5 boys

Will NOT create: no violence, no gore, no non-1D characters

Timeline: few weeks is probably fine

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @feelmytraces

---

Kal

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Video Trailers

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: I love drawing any of the 1d boys, portraits particularly ! larry especially are wonderful to draw

Will NOT create: I don’t do anything non-con related or nsfw for characters or people under 18. you COULD ask me to create art with animals but I cannot guarantee it will be good. I also generally don’t do chibi art. I reserve the right to say no to anything, but if you’re unsure about something, don’t hesitate to ask !

Timeline: anywhere from 1-3 weeks, depending on the complexity of the project/whether it’s just lineart or colored

Commission information: none - but I do have a ko-fi if anyone *really* feels the need to give money

Contact info:

Tumblr: @louieshalo

Twitter: louieshalo

Email: [email protected]

---

Tiffany

Link to art

Art Styles: Manips

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: larry!

Will NOT create: ziam (too many tattoos….unless your manip request doesn’t include their tattoos!)

Timeline: typical turn around is a couple days

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @liminalkitty369

Twitter: liminalkitty369

---

Christina

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Moodboards, Edits

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: nope!

Will NOT create: nope!

Timeline: 1-2 days in advance

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @louisgayvodka

---

Gigi

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: Prefer Harry as I find him easiest to replicate but happy to give lots of things a go. I tend to replicate specific styles like hanna barbera, animal crossing etc

Will NOT create: Not sure!

Timeline: A month? But flexible depending on the time of year

Commission information: None

Contact info:

Tumblr: @ohharold

---

An

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: b!louis art, any ship with louis included, rare pairs are okay too!

Will NOT create: ships without louis, b!harry art

Timeline: at least 10 days preferably

Commission information: Commissions

Contact info:

Tumblr: @lemelous

Twitter: lemelous

Email: [email protected]

---

Lou

Link to art Link to art

Art Styles: Moodboards, Gifsets. i can attempt gif manips (you can find some in my creations) but it might take a bit of time to make those.

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: any topic that isn’t too specific is fine with me as it’s sometimes hard to look for clear footage of certain things. as for ships, i’d prefer any within the 1d boys, and only louis rare pairs. as for girl direction, i can attempt to make something with gifs but it wouldn’t include faces.

Will NOT create: no full faces of kids, no underage (<18), no age regression, no daddy kink, no rape (even if it’s not between the main pairing), no incest/selfcest. i can’t think of anything else at the moment but i’m willing to talk to the author before deciding if i can help with their visuals or not.

Timeline: if they only want moodboards with pics, it can be two days prior. if they want a simple gifset (not specific footage), five days prior. if it’s a very specific topic and it must be included in their visuals or if it’s a gif manip, one to two weeks prior. they can contact me way before their deadline, it’s better to give them more options.

Commission information: if they want to tip me, they can do it at: https://ko-fi.com/nouies

Contact info:

Tumblr: @nouies

Email: [email protected]

---

Shan

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Graphic Posters

NSFW Art: No

Preferences: Louis, Harry, Larry

Will NOT Create: characters I am willing to try any. tho i am not comfortable with dddne topics

Timeline: a week or two at least

Commission information: None

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @tomlinsins

---

Rae

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart, Moodboards, Manips, Video Trailers

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: larry, louis, and harry mostly, but i am willing to try out other ships just nothing outside of ot5. i feel comfortable drawing anything nsfw or sfw. i also love to create moodboards/covers and have slowly been making manips. i have a job in videography, so if there is a video trailer needed i would need a lot of time in advance since i do a lot of other video projects and art/moodboards/manips are quicker and easier!

Will NOT Create: i really don't draw anything too dark (anything that might fall under dddne, extreme gore, certain kinks, ect) but im willing to discuss and work with you depending on the topic/contents.

Timeline: preferably 2 weeks for a drawing or manip, one week for a moodboard and 1-3 months for a video, depending on length/content.

Commission Information: I don't charge for my art but I do have a ko-fi if people want to leave a tip

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @28goldens

Twitter: 28goldensart

Discord: rae.raeokay

---

Biz

Link to art

Art Styles: Fanart

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: Louis bl, Harry, Larry

Will NOT Create: Any other member of 1d or very explicit requests

Timeline: A 2 week window

Commission Information: None

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @vrebty

---

Rocky

Link to art

Art Styles: Moodboards

NSFW Art: Yes

Preferences: idk larry ig??? i don't do digital art so it's only moodboards, folks

Will NOT Create: idk i don't really know? but i will say no if someone makes it weird. Idk how nsfw things can get so...

Timeline: whenever, but i'd prefer 2+ weeks? I'm not the best so just be aware

Commission Information: None

Contact Info:

Tumblr: @louisthiccsexyglitteryass

#1dlibrary #hlcreators #alwaysxlarrie #allwaswell16 #1dsource #hltracks #1d fanart

[whipcreamtea]

pricing:

lineart style:

bust/portrait: $15

waist-up: $25

full body: $30

painted/lineless style:

bust/portrait: $35

waist-up: $45

full body: $50

b/w pencil drawing:

bust/portrait: $15

waist-up: $20

full body: $30

paintings (watercolor + colored pencil):

portrait/bust: $40

waist-up/full body: $50

simple backgrounds only

additional characters: +50% of base price

more info under the cut~

price of additional character depends on style and size, so please ask!

if there is a specific work of mine you’d like the commission to be in the style of, please send it!! it does not have to be one of the styles listed above. feel free to look through either of my art accounts to see all of my work!

all info can also be found written here

payment will be through paypal only!

contact me here on tumblr or at my email, [email protected]

typically it only takes me 1-2 or so days to finish a drawing depending on the complexity & what hours i have at work, but please allow me at least a week to finish, even if i likely won’t need the whole time!

dm me if interested! and please be sure to provide lots of reference images; the more the better!

terms of service:

i must receive full payment before i start the comm, and no refunds, sorry!

i will NOT draw: depictions of incestuous/pedophilic relationships, kink, or pornography (nudity is fine though)

at the moment, i won’t do super complex backgrounds. however i can add simple color backgrounds and decorative elements like stars or flowers if you’d like!

the art you commission from me is for personal use ONLY. you cannot sell the artwork you receive in any way, shape, or form!

#commissions #commissions open

[planefood]

Commissions are officially open again! All commissions are paid via PayPal only! DM me either here or on my Toyhouse @ Trosper for information about commissions :)

As of right now I do not do human designs for customs but can do anything else from humanoid characters, anthro characters, animal characters, robots and various other thingies.

Full coloured Headshots and full bodies prices range from complexity of character to shading complexity

I have a large variation in style and can draw multiple different things if you want something more specific don’t be afraid to ask. Though I have the right to reject any request I find too complicated or too simplistic (like a $1 scribble)

I will draw:

Characters from existing IPs

Robots,cars, trains, planes, buildings, objects etc

Furries and animals of any species

Pets

Horror artwork

Humans and humanoids

What I WONT draw:

Overly complicated painting commissions

Traditional art commissions

Animated commissions

Extreme fetish content or anything I’m generally uncomfortable with

I don’t do custom design work for anime like characters, it’s just not my niche

Extreme gore that isn’t just like simple blood or my typical horror art

Real people that aren’t actors in character. E.g. you, your mother, politicians, historical figures, etc etc

If you want something that isn’t listed on either list or maybe isn’t specific enough don’t be shy to ask 👍 I’m not gonna like destroy you or anything if you ask for something I won’t draw I’ll just politely ask for something else to draw and that’s okay!

#objectum #art #robots #commission #commissions open

[endworldbroadcast]

Illustration Commissions 2024

One character: $20

Additional characters: +$10

Inclusive of backgrounds

Price can increase depending on complexity of character design/prompt

WILL DRAW:

OCs, fan characters and canon characters

Ship art

General themes

Gore/violence/dark themes

NSFW/kinks/fetishes

Any species

WILL NOT DRAW:

Plain character art. I only draw illustrations with backgrounds.

Anything from a text description I find too complicated. If you have a very specific vision in mind I will need a loose storyboard/sketch at the very least to understand the composition, otherwise I prefer if you just gave me a prompt and leave me to it.

Complicated poses or anything else outside my abilities

Other art styles

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

Payment first through Paypal. If I cancel a commission without finishing, I will issue a full refund. If the commissioner cancels, I will issue only a partial refund.

I draw very slowly, I will not draw within a deadline so please do not rush me (The low commission prices is to compensate for this! You get what you pay for). My typical turnaround time is 2 weeks-1 month but it can be longer than that, I will inform the commissioner of any relevant circumstances. I will cancel and refund a commission that I decide I am taking too long with. Rest assured you will not be left hanging for a year or something ridiculous like that.

Commissioner can use final work for any personal (non-monetary) use. If reuploading, I may ask the work to be uploaded anonymously to prevent them being associated with my main name (for IRL/privacy purposes).

I will not do any changes/revisions to the finished illustration except for minor edits.

NSFW commissions are for 18+ commissioners only.

Feel free to ask for examples of previously finished commissions or for gore/NSFW examples.

For inquiries please send an e-mail: [email protected]

#a #art commissions #art commissions open #art commissions info #commissions #commissions open #commissions info #art commission #commission info #Am not in emergency need of money or whatever so I can afford to make it cheap and reject any commissions I don't want to do

[sketchfanda]

sketch’s smut fic one shot commissions

If between 5 to 20 bucks seema reasonable for the quality I put out then Would anyone be interested esp when I make clear who and what I will and won’t write? Hit me up on dms here or on Twitter as sketchfan85. Roll on up and let’s see what I can provide you

examples of my work https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sketchfan/works one shot smut fics only.

Dudes I will write main muses:Kirishima Moxxie Krillin Muses of choice:Peter Parker, Lincoln loud,aeolus06’s human Tony Tony chopper, dib membrane, beast boy, roadhog, takashiro komuro, hanatarou yamada,patanu’s human rigby,killer croc,shinji ikari,ranma saotome, roger rabbit

possible maybes=izuku,naruto(already have enough of their own smut and harem based fics),luffy(likewise).ron stoppable(henrickdrake's new pets comic has that covered plenty),kaminari,tetsutetsu,Jaune (plenty wrists and artists do him enough plenty), sun wukong,yamcha

chars i will NOT write;any and all saiyan dudes(esp vegeta,gohan or goku,the saiyan centric harem bullshit,fuck you writefiction you gohan fanboy),Cardin,Adam Taurus,bakugo,monoma.mineta,mordecai(fucking simp bluejay),any uchiha(esp asshat),any league of villains dudes or nomus,zetsus,roshi,oolong,happosai, self inserts/ugly bastard/typical hentai douchebags and faceless womanizing casanovas,roshi,oolong,boruto(little shit),harry potter or any other char from his series,likewise no women from that series.

kinks i will NOT write:cuckolding/ntr and cheating esp if any of my muse dudes are the intended targets,any weird or gross crud,rape.no bleached/blacked type stuff or raceplay.

series or movies i won't write:any live action,no literature i mainly read comics and manga as i like my stories visual,but specifically NO MCU,likewise dc movies and connected or related series,no twilight,no vampire diaries or any other type of teen drama bullshit,suernatural or otherwise,no harry potter(i don't give a fuck what or how jk rowling's tanked her own career,i was never into the books and LOATHED the movies and that extends to fantastic beasts). canon art styles like that of butch hartman or seth mcfarlane will be rejected (unless the woman or women in question prove exceptional design wise,and that's a big IF), matt groening series females like from simpsons or futarama also depend on exceptionality of design.Absolutely NO big mouth of anything by the brickleberry crowd.about the only female i'll take from rick and morty is the interstellar demon stripper.

hentais are acceptable so long as i'm familiar with or can learn enough approximate knowledge of the chars from it,likewise any manga/anime or cartoon i'm not familiar with. candidate and scenario suggestions are taken into consideration though some if not all may not make the cut.

So if anyone thinks my writing is worth 5 bucks,hit me up if you're maybe intrigued.

#fanfic #commission #fanfic commissions #fic commissions #one shot #One shot commissions #Sketchfan #sketchfan85 #sketchfanda

[valentinesparda]

you know what. I know I keep saying I want to experiment with my art style a couple of times and after a while of thinking about it off and on (like. several years) but it's because I realized that like. I've experienced and put myself through a bunch of psychological bullshit in regards to how my art and the style I've had to develop is perceived. I started out drawing cartoony styles and eventually when I started to get into anime in the mid 2000s I started emulating the styles I liked. naruto in particular definitely helped me start to draw more, and then atla, and copying images in game informers of like the trauma center games and such, and when I got to art class in high school I had my teacher tell me that yeah you can draw cartoons but you can also do realism, and I think if you're gonna continue doing art you should stick to realism. standard fare for a child raised in the 00s

but the worst offender is when I became active on the internet

i love drawing what most people would consider anime. I'm also really good at realism as far as I can tell. there's no need for me to have to choose to survive as an artist but like. I went through a phase of no longer thinking anime and video games were cool and became your typical superwholock blogger, and then came the MASSIVE wave of realistic or semi-realistic styles becoming what everyone wanted to see, and I feel like part of that has to be from other kids that experienced their art teachers telling them that cartoons and anime would never serve them as an artist, and then a large part of it came from the fact that anime was never really cool

but anyways, there was a very big boom of the only popular fanarts you ever saw were the hyper realistic types that were massively detailed and I was gaslit into believing that yeah, I can't have fun with my art, and if I do then it has to be proportionate to real life and always has to be palatable to the main audience of "don't have fun with your art" unless you're mimicking a Hanna Barbera cartoon and had plans to make art a job or you could only ever make money off of your art and don't forget to do commissions or sell your art or you aren't a Real Artist, so I've done so much work to learn anatomy and lighting and all of that just to come right back around with the set of rules but now I can break them

so I'm so happy that I get to be in a time now where yeah there's still the majority of artists that have only ever developed a hyper realistic style and that's okay, but now it's more acceptable to have fun with your art, have it be scratchy and disproportional and give them big anime eyes and don't worry about etching out details for everything. I never felt like I was happy with making my art look real and I want to go back to my roots of cartoons and anime and scribbling with oil pastels and never using watercolor correctly. I got so boring with my colors and my poses for the past seven years specifically because I just wasn't ever happy with anything I made and I want to make things that make me happy, and if the first step was to only draw selfship art then like, so be it, because that's where I started too

trust me I'm not knocking anyone for their art styles but I am saying that there shouldn't have to be a single road you have to take to become palatable as an artist, the only thing that matters is if art is fun for you, if you're making things you like, and god dammit, you do NOT have to sell your art to be a good artist

#val.txt

[hiddencircus]

WITHOUT STOPPING, ITS SHOWTIME!!

INBOX: CLOSED! ★ DAILY CLICKS

★☆: ABOUT THE RINGMASTER!

☆ helloo my darling audience, i am the ringmaster of this silly little circus! my name is radio and i positively adore to edit! i speak english and spanish! I use any pronouns, you’re free to refer to me however you’d like, i dont really care too much. my main blog is @cowskulls and i typically interact from there!

although i do love to interact with the audience, i do, in fact, have a life outside this blog. so if i dont respond to asks, reblog promos, post requests, right away it is most likely because im busy! All i ask is that you remain calm, patient, and kind! 

★☆: RULES OF THE CIRCUS! ★━ these are not in a particular order, but i do please ask you still read and respect them ★

☆ credit is incredibly appreciated and highly encouraged, but not necessary.* REBLOGING IS NECESSARY. Please make sure you reblog whatever you use to the blog you’re using it on. I do deeply appreciate credit but make sure to reblog as well. (*an exception to this is my PSDs, which do require credit.)

☆ when requesting, i only ask you to remember three things: 1. Be polite, i think that's fairly easy <3 2. Be as specific as you can.* You're free to give me creative freedom but if you want something specific, tell me! It's alright! I unfortunately can't read minds yet, so i’ll appreciate you telling me what you want. And 3. If your source is an unlisted source, please attempt to  give me a link to any form of media or image gallery you have. Unfortunately, i can't scour the entire internet for pictures, so i appreciate help in finding stuff! (*see the next bullet for more on this.)

☆ when requesting, remember to include the character/s you’re requesting, the media theyre from (even if its a listed source!), and the type of edit you want along with any other specifics you want me to include (ex; size, website, colors, style, etc). If you dont specify, ill still make it, it just not might be exactly what you imagined! [NOTE: i tend to experiment randomly here and there, and will try new ways to do things over and over and i try to stay away from making my edits look like each other. But if you want an edit done like one ive done in the past, let me know! I’ll happily do that!]

☆ please try to refrain from sending requests early or late. I have a limit to requests for a reason, i’d rather you wait for the next batch to open and send it then.

☆ be kind, pretty please <3

★☆: CONCESSIONS! ★━ all the silly thingies i make ★

☆ i can edit icons, layouts, moodboards, graphics, gif sets, psds, and wallpapers!* if something you want is not on this list, feel free to request anyways, just know there’s a more likely chance i’ll decline.

*this is updated at times as i’m constantly learning!! woo knowledge!

★☆: NOT ALLOWED IN THE CIRCUS! ★━ things i will not edit! so a blacklist, as the cool kids call it  ★ 

☆ dottore (genshin impact), mori (bsd), teruhashi makoto (saiki k), ninjago (too hard to edit :( ), real people (it is.,.a struggle), mha, hazbin hotel.

i also try to stay away from editing fanart as much as possible. if it’s officially commissioned art i might use it. but i try to stick to official stuff just out of preference. honestly, i’m a curious person and i like experimenting so there’s not much i won’t make lol.*

**that being said, i often decline things that i deeply do not enjoy OR that i just might not be able to edit right OR dont have enough media. i am a people pleaser at heart so i try to accept as much as i can, but i can only do so much lol

★☆: THE CIRCUS' FAVORITES! ★━ things i LOVE to edit! so a whitelist, as the cool kids call it  ★ 

☆ vocaloid, project sekai, twisted wonderland, saiki k, bungo stray dogs, cardcaptor sakura, madoka magica, genshin, honkai star rail, i can also edit things not listed here, but please ask before hand!*

*once again, remember, if your source is not a listed source, PLEASE send me a link to some sort of media gallery or even a wiki!!! sometimes i struggle finding media or differenciating characters, so pretty please just send me a link if possible!

SING THE NIGHT AWAY; STARDUST PARADE!!

#★━pinned!★ #other tags: #★━ inbox ! ★ #★━ my stuff! ★ #event icons! #★━ reblog! ★ #★━ promos! ★ #★━ my posts!! ★ #★━ answered! ★ #radio’s fridge! ★ #★━resources! ★ #things i make: #layouts #icons #wallpapers #moodboards #graphics #gif sets #psds #and more wooo

[pixelllls]

Commission info!

Current commission status: Temporarily closed while I complete current batch! Should be open again in a few weeks (feel free to email me to go on a waitlist!)

Hi there!! I’ve updated my commission info! I’m currently offering 3/4 body (or waist-up) and bust style commissions! Please read all the info below the ‘read more’ before reaching out! 

More detailed info under the cut! :)

About:

I’m currently offering two different types of commissions (a larger ¾ body version, or a smaller bust version) in two different rendering styles! Prices will depend on whether you’d like a partially rendered or a fully rendered piece.

Pricing:

All prices are in USD, payments made via PayPal. 

* A  3/4 body/waist-up: ($60 for partial rendering, $70 for full rendering). 

* A  bust: ($30 for partial rendering, $40 for full rendering). 

Additional characters may be added for half the price of the requested style/type (for example, an additional, fully-rendered, 3/4 character would cost an extra $35). 

Please note:

All drawings will have very simple backgrounds (typically one to two colours at most). I will also send you a transparent version.

The partially rendered style may be a little more sketchy than a fully rendered piece! I would only recommend requesting this style if you’re okay with things being a little less polished! (I personally love scratchy art but totally respect if that’s not your thing haha) 

Complicated detailing (such as ornate costuming/armour, weapons, animal companions, etc.) may increase pricing somewhat depending on complexity - but we can discuss this together before any payment is requested.

I’m happy to draw your OC if you only have a written description of them available! But please do provide me with visual references too (whether it’s a general mood board, costume idea or hairstyle/pose, etc!) 

Things I don’t draw:

·   excessive gore (a little bit of dramatic blood is okay!)

·   nsfw material 

·   exact celebrity/photo likeness (I’m just not good at it lol. Please feel free to use them as references though for a general vibe/aesthetic!)

If there’s something I haven’t covered that you’re not sure about, please feel free to check with me!

How to request a commission? 

If you’d like to commission me please contact me at [email protected]. In your email you should include:

1. The email address you’d like me to send the invoice to

2. What type of commission you’d like (i.e. ¾, or bust, and partial or full rendering)

3. A detailed description of what you’d like me to draw and/or visual references for your character/s or ideas

4. Whether you have a specific timeframe or deadline in mind!

What happens next?

I correspond through email! Once I accept your commission I’ll draw up a basic sketch and send it to you. If you’re satisfied with the sketch, I’ll send you an invoice for payment through PayPal and once payment is received, I’ll complete the full drawing! I’ll probably send you some colour samples to make sure the flats look okay too. 

You can post the image/use it however you want!

How long will it take?

Unless a specific deadline is mentioned, I will typically aim to complete a commission within two weeks (maximum) from approval of the sketch. Please note It may take me up to two weeks to respond to your initial email too! Sometimes life happens and I just want to make sure I’m giving myself enough time to give your artwork the attention it deserves :)

I will let you know ASAP if there are any expected delays. If something comes up and I can’t finish the drawing or meet a deadline for whatever reason I’ll issue a refund! 

If you’ve got any questions feel free to message me here or at my email address ([email protected]). 

Thanks for reading! <3

#Commission Info #my art #reblogs appreciated!

[hybbat]

I wasn't trying to be rude it just seemed like you only drew twinks or if you're feeling bold, twinks with organ room

I was mistaken though apparently so good on you

You know, I never really said or implied you were being rude, I replied to it the same way I've replied to asks about particular character types in the past. But thank you for your completely unasked for approval, random anon.

See, I think there's been a miscommunication. All of my art is drawn by me, for me. I draw what I like, what I enjoy, and the fun thing about drawing is that I can make the lines do ANYTHING I want, from giving my characters horns and hooves to big old anime eyes where the eyeball bleeds into the 2d heartshaped eyelashes. I could draw a dot, and say its a nose, and it would be! The cool thing about art is that a lot of the time I'm not even drawing a character because I like the character but because I like the lines and the shapes and the colours and themes and style, I'm not limited by reality!

The secret is that my characters don't actually exist, they don't have real organs or bones or pores or anything I did not draw, it's really great I can make anything I want any way I want, and I do, because I'm not being paid for my drawings. Their purpose is to make me happy, nobody else matters, and I share them online as a courtesy to those who might also like them. If I wanted to I could draw the exact same picture over and over again and never draw anything else and that would be completely fine.

I actually draw what I draw because no one else will, because I want to see something and nobody else draws it. I never see the things I want to see when I look through art. The things I draw with the specific way and reasons I draw them are a rare damn find. But I don't go to someone who enjoys drawings girls or muscular guys and tell them to draw cute, petite, crying femboy fauns. I don't go to a photographer and complain that real people are unappealing. I draw them myself because no one else is going to or obligated to.

You didn't tell me - and certainly didn't ask me - to draw nostrils or nipples or backgrounds or old people or prosthetics, even though all those things are all missing much more frequently from my art and couldn't be seen in the first 5 most recent posts on my art blog. And I'm willing to guess you haven't gone to someone who draws exclusively fat characters or dogs and told them to draw a skinny person. So I can't imagine you're trying to encourage me to improve my art by getting me to draw features I don't typically, even if it was your place to direct my art and what makes me happy to draw.

If I am not drawing a picture for you then your opinion and approval is entirely irrelevant, and I don't do public commissions for random anons who give my art backhanded compliments because my muse doesn't match theirs just to give me approval I didnt ask for.

#ask #art

[sinners-go-to-drink-the-wine]

Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you'd like to know better!

I was tagged by: @andtherestishistory13

What book are you currently reading?

Dark Archives by Megan Rosenbloom! “A librarian’s investigation into the science and history of anthropodermic bibliopegy; books bound in human skin.” I’ve just started it, but its absolutely enthralling. I’ve always been interested in the history of corpse rights as it pertains to bodily autonomy in minorities. 

What do you usually wear?

Flowy black skirts, little tops with lighter layers and long flowy sleeves, also typically in black. And lots of silver rings and necklaces. Think Stevie Nicks but goth.

How tall are you?

5′3 {though I feel I should’ve be taller.}

What’s your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event? 

I’m a pisces! & My birthday is International Women’s Day!

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

Just my first name, though my family often calls me my first+middle, or just middle name. 

Did you grow up to become what you wanted as a child?

I had a lot of different ideas of what I wanted to be as a kid, but I’m still an artist and humanitarian, so in a way yes.

What is something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at?

I’m pretty good at picking up different art mediums that interest me. I’m not good learning different languages, I’ve tried and failed many hahahaha.

If you draw/write/create what’s your favorite thing that you’ve done created? 

One of my favorite original paintings, came to me in a dream. 

Dogs or cats?

I’ve grown up with dogs, but I want my own cat some day.

What’s something you would like to create content for?

I don’t have a specific subject in mind, but I definitely want to start painting again. Maybe do commissions or something.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

...other than GVF? foraging, baking, my eclectic fashion/decor sense. Social issues; currently doing a lot of research displacement of native americans.

What’s something you were excited for and turned out to be disappointing?

I was gonna try and travel this summer, but I have to focus on moving out and potentially finding a job with more hours, idk if that counts since it hasn’t happened yet.

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

I use to sing opera, and horseback ride (english style), I’m also pretty flexible cause I did ballet for 8 years. None of these have day-to-day applications though hahahaa

What’s something you wish you had at this moment?

an apartment. money. a cat. a girlfriend.

If you’re up for it, I tag: @star-boxer @satans-helper @kkdarling @lunaindigoraven @jake-kiszkas-smirk 

#tagged #not technically gvf #letters from the author

[krn-art]

✦ I do indeed do commissions~ ✦ Don’t be afraid to inquire about different things ^^ This is just my basic chart for them cause people always want something specific so that's why I encourage you to inquire.

Please reblog, (don't like this), as it helps artists spread the word and afford rent~

Links Page. Terms and conditions below ---->

Terms and conditions are the typical ones you see from artists. Check em out->

✦ “Will/Can you draw this?” 100%, I have a degree in Fine Art and use this account for FanArt cause it makes people happy, you name the art medium and style and I can do it. I ask for reference, but I can also provide it if you can not, things like posing, backgrounds, character turnarounds, etc.

✦ Feel free to let me know if you are new to hiring artists as I will try to explain terminology and media descriptions. Hand paintings, 3d printing, etc.

✦  Stay in contact, I will reach out either through email, discord, or gumroad to finalize your piece through paypal. You will receive numerous updates in regards to sketches, color pallets, and choices. You have to be able to reply and maintain contact until finalization; if not we can discuss time zones and when we both are preoccupied.   

✦ The commissioned artwork is for personal use only. If there's plans for commercial usage, let me know, we will discuss it and the pricing. Like book covers, game art, etc. Unless agreed upon beforehand, the commissioned artwork is NOT to be used for commercial purposes, reproduction, NFTs, or monetary gain.

✦ I might upload the final drawing to social media, however if you don't want me to upload it anywhere, let me know.

✦ You may upload the art and use it for whatever you please (again only for personal use though), but I do ask that you credit me and tell others if they inquire about it.

✦ Cancelling the commission after the sketch stage is fine, sketches are the first step after the down payment. Refunds are not allowed after the art is finalized. Revisions, if you are not pleased, can be discussed. I won't charge extra for edits at the end of the work unless they are major and numerous, like wanting a background or extra details that you weren't originally quoted for.

✦ If I am unable to finish the commission for any reason, I will let you know and you will get a refund. I usually take under 2 weeks to complete any piece you may desire. This is why contact is important.

✦ Things to understand: What is art theft? Its when you take someone else’s work and make money off it or rob them of their audience (very common on Instagram and Pinterest) (examples include reposting without permission or saying ‘credit to the artist’). Whats a commission? Its when you pay a contractor for a service. Whats a request? Its when you polity suggest a piece but have no guarantee of seeing it completed.

✦ I have the right to refuse service~ If you ask me to draw you something illegal I will block you on the spot. If you don’t see it on my page, good chance I won’t draw it for you. Ships welcome and I love drawing kissy stuff! I love drawing cars and detailed pieces as well~ ✦

Thanks for reading and supporting artists! Feel free to ask about charity and donation commissions!

#krnart #kurnart #commissions #artists #open commissions

[trinrose3]

What got you into art? Would you say you're satisfied with how far you've come as an artist? How do you usually go about things like art block? Is there any advice you have to new artists? Do you have any tips on drawing POC/larger people since most art tips are usually focused on skinny white cishets?

hate to give the stereotypical “always been into it” answer but that is pretty much it lol. I drew a lot when I was LITTLE little especially cause my mom didn’t want me watching too much tv lol. Eventually I guess I just…forgot about it?? Until about like 8th grade when I found a sketchbook and started drawing stuff if me and my friends and out characters and realized how much I loved it again.

I would say I’m satisfied! Up until college I was almost completely self taught (I did have an art “teacher” after school at one point but that was for painting mainly not illustration). Sometimes I see how good some of my classmates are and feel a bit jealous ngl but than again I’m competing with a bunch of rich kids who are usually benefiting from SOME form of nepotism so…

IDK how art block goes for everyone else but for me it’s when I can’t seem to draw “correctly” or in a way that I deem at least somewhat decent. I don’t stress about it TOO much cause I know this is part of the process of “leveling up” a skill. It’s called conscious incompetence(?) and is typical in a skill building process. I typically don’t deal with the “idk what to draw” kinda cause my solution is always Amelia lol. At that point I keep trying till I get a break through and/or leave it alone. I also like to change the brushes I use when this happens or go to my sketchbook. This usually helps cause your brush can give you a whole different style even when it’s digital which can help break out of a funk by giving you an out of the box opportunity.

general advice for new artists: don’t clout chase. I know it’s tempting. I’ve been there and honestly it drained me emotionally and felt like something I enjoyed was becoming more of a burden. It gave me guilt everytime I tried to draw something that wasn’t fanart and while the reaction that I got was motivating and satisfying in the end I realized I stopped making art for myself and that *I* wasn’t enjoying it as much anymore. You’re the ONLY person you EVER need to satisfy when it comes to art (bar the people who are commissioning/hiring you, their satisfaction is just as if not more important). EXPERIMENT!! A lot of artists in the beginning are GREAT at this but the more they become aware of their skill(not talent! Talent isn’t real!!) the more afraid of stepping outside their comfort zone they become. But like a REALLY cheap and tiny sketchbook and carry that around with you! If you want to experiment and try something new do it in there! Use pens only in it too it’ll make you more confident and precise with your line art and for god sake stop the chicken scratch (repeating various lines to make one solid one this is not the same as sketchy line art) also you do NOT need a perfect circle or a ruler and in fact it’s best to avoid both of those things! It doesn’t look natural or organic (unless of course that’s the point lol)! Gonna also cover some general tips in my guide that I’m making lol.

I do! I’m gonna add a bunch in the guide that I’m making :}. Took a small break cause I’m at the boring part now aka clean up and boy do I fucking hate clean up lol. Of course the most important and universal tip every artist gives besides practice is to use a reference. If an artist ever tells you to NOT use one or that it’s “cheating” don’t listen to them and don’t trust any other tip they give henceforth, they’re just mad that they can’t do observational art :). Also just listen to poc and larger people. Please. It’s not that hard. If someone says that your doing something offensive or incorrectly it’s not an attack on you as a person or artist. Also learn what stereotypes and characatures are made in art of these specific groups so you know what to avoid!

#Art tips #long post

[b33viemm]

expldoes

all fotthem

1. When did you start creating art? when i was born

2. Do you do art in any professional capacity? (Graphic design, commissions, animation, etc.) no

3. What are your favorite subjects to draw? (OCs, your fan faves, etc.) art based on media or topics i like or am passionate about

4. What's your least favorite part of the body to draw, if any? all of it. i rarely draw people in detail. id probably say faces if we get specific

5. What piece of art are you still proud of to this day? (Show or describe)

i like these two but i could also put a bunch of my spiderverse art up there

6. Favorite and least favorite angles/perspectives to draw? i hate drawing

7. Who are some artists that have inspired you? too many to count. mainly fanartists

8. How would you describe your art style? art style?

9. What's the longest you've ever suffered from artblock? i once dropped a genloss piece for several months, but i typically go through frenzies of drawing then i stop for a bit

10. How do you deal with art block? i dont i let it sit until it goes away on its own. normally this works

11. Have you ever drawn a meme with your OCs or canon characters from a fictional media? i almost have but i got bored. i have certainly IMAGINED memes with them

12. Ever participated in a multi-artist collaboration (3 or more) such as a multi-animator project? no

13. What kind of art do you personally not see the appeal of, and why? i dont think theres an art form i dislike.

14. Do you prefer to make fan content or original content? ratio wise i make a lot more fan content but i like original concepts too. its harder to get those to take off cause people arent exactly searching for original characters on purpose

15. Do you/have you participated in Artfight or art trades in general? no

16. What was something you used to struggle to draw with confidence/ease, but have now mastered? ive gotten better at hands if i use refs

17. Your personal favorite works of art (not made by you) are...? aw man specifically??

this by SOMEONE I CANT REMEMBER THEIR USER BT ITS YELLOWHOODIE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HELP

18. Do you typically use filters on your art? yes

19. What's your biggest insecurity when it comes to your artwork? my lack of consistency

20. What motivates/inspires you artistically? (topics, emotions, etc) i like using quotes or song lyrics and my most recent WIP is based off of a song lyric

[cherry-pop-elf]

Hii!! I'm just wondering about requests as I see in your bio that those are open as well! I guess what I'm really curious about is what can be asked for requests? I don't want to assume or anything as I know that you have commissions open as well, and I don't want to be rude by sending a request, when really it's something that should be commissioned, and then not having the funds to be able to do so before the fic is even thought of (if that makes sense??? I apologise if it doesn't, I'm not always the best at verbalising my thoughts).

I hope this doesn't come off as rude at all TT I apologise if it does!

I hope that you're having a lovely day 💜

Don’t worry sug! I totally get what you mean! It can be a bit confusing, but I hope I can do my best in explaining! And my DM’s are always open if you wanna discuss more one on one!

Requests: What makes it one?

Requests are typically more open to interpretation to the writer. Like “hey can you do a chubby x reader where so and so-“ happens. Or “can you do some headcanons on-“ and more vagueness and left to more freedom. Course I’m more than open to more details. Another big difference is it’ll be public work to tumblr, so whatever you request will be seen by everyone.

Comissions: What makes it one?

Comission’s are, of course, paid for. There is also the fact you can get as detailed as your little heart wants, and have whatever you want happen to the finest details. You can have it be about anything and everything. You want some weird crack shop about like Severus Snape and Bill Weasley hooking up? I’ll give ya that! You want an extremely specific kink about your comfort character? There we go! Stuff like that also can be longer, and written in a more specific way. As you see with tumblr, it’s very much “as you go-“ writing style. While a comission will go through a lot of rough drafts, and be far longer and such

Finale take away

Requests are more so asking about “can you write a x reader/headcanons” while public on tumblr, while Coms are more so everything else, plus more and a private piece that you give consent on if can be shared on a media platform or not. As I’ve said before, I don’t mind extra details about stuff.

I understand that everyone is going through stuff. Trust me, I’ve been in and out of the ER constantly for health issues. Hence why I have art, and writing coms open. Money gets very tight when you have to keep being sent to the hospital. Not fun. I hope this helps! At least bring more clarity on the situation. If not, DM’s are open! Sending love!

#asks for belladonna #requests #commissions #writing community #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #writer stuff #writer things #anon ask #thanks anon! #anons welcome #hope this helps #coms open #coms #tumblr writing community #writing #ugh I still have more doctor appointments #come this may I’ll find out if I have the C word or not #so trust me #if anyone knows about being short on money #it’ll be me #judgment free zone #promise #hugs and kisses

[ottertooferswriting]

Writing Commission Information

https://www.patreon.com/OtterToofers

Please read thoroughly before contacting me Via Discord: OtterToofers or Telegram: OtterToofers or Tumblr: OtterToofersWriting for Commission Inquiries. NEW BG3 Mildly Spicy EXAMPLE AT VERY BOTTOM. Minor Act1 character detail Spoilers so avoid if you haven't played.

TRIGGER WARNINGS\Disclaimer: I specialize in Dark\Taboo\Kinky\Rough\DeadDoveDoNotEat content. I also write Soft\Fluffy\Vanilla content.

If you do not wish to consume content with particular triggers or kinks when seeing my content please keep scrolling if you see a tag you don't like and do not yuck someone else's yum. Please be respectful as commissions are written fantasy and is not a real life condoning of these situations and will be appropriately tagged.

Underage characters will NEVER appear in any of my spicy writing; all must be canonically 18years or older or species specific adult, that includes fandom and OC characters. I will NOT write spicy content for Minors, so if you contact me for a NSFW commission you are stating you are at least 18 years of age.

I have an f-list that contains my spicy writing do's and don'ts for sexual content that can be added into a story. To avoid any issues here please just search up this username "OtterToofers" to find it and peruse. You'll notice that the No section is rather small as I am a very kinky individual.

If it is in the NO section it is a hard limit please do not ask me to write it.

If it is in the Maybe section that means I may be willing to write it but at a higher cost rate than my usual content due to the nature of the kink.

If it is in the Yes or Fave I will absolutely write for it.

Experience:

I have almost 15 years of fanfiction, detailed written roleplay, and original novel writing experience. Examples of my most current writing projects can be viewed here or on my Patreon for more detail, older works are available on my AO3 (Archive of our Own) account under the same username. My oldest content would be on my fanfiction.net account which can remain buried and forgotten.

Writing Style:

I write in 3rd person typically Past or Present Tense. I love detail and being able to visualize the scene that I am reading\writing. I do have a beta who is my RL partner who will be helping me to edit commissions.

Pricing: Beta\Editing work done by my partner is included in these prices.

$25 per 1,000 words for Posted stories. These are stories that will be used as content on my Patreon or Furaffinity, AO3\Tumblr ect.

$30 per 1,000 words for Personal use stories. These will be sent directly to the commissioner via email and will not be posted anywhere else.

$45 per 1,000 words for Posted stories that include any kinks within my Maybe section to the f-list.

$50 per 1,000 words for Personal use stories that include any kinks within my Maybe section in the f-list.

Fandoms:

I will write for any of the fandom's listed below. These may shift as hyperfixations come and go for particular franchises. I have more experience with some Canon characters than others.

I will write OC's within these fandoms\paired with Canon characters as well.

Baldurs Gate 3: Astarion, Halsin, Rolan, Zevlor, Dammon, Karlach, Mindflayers, Tav's. I love these characters a normal, healthy amount and am not absolutely feral (all lies)

Zelda (many games many versions): Ganon\Ganondorf, Zelda, Link, Sidon, Nabooru, Urbosa, Impa.

Predator Franchise: I have Yautja Oc's, Will also write for canon Yautja like Wolf or Scar

Transformers: Ratchet, Drift, Ironhide, Soundwave, Optimus\Orion, Megatron\Megatronus, Knockout, Breakdown, Starscream, Predaking, (I also have Oc's)

Artwork\Image Inspired Stories:

We've all gone to Rule34 or E621 and found an image or video that really just got the horny…I mean creative juices flowing.

If you have an image\art that really just made your mind go 'but what happens next' or 'how did they get to this point' much like mine that then crafts whole scenes out of a single image, then this section is for you.

If the piece of art is from a fandom, the characters Must Be Over 18 years of age or of canon species adult age.

If the art is of original characters that are owned by someone else sorry but I won't write for the exact characters, but I could do a piece that incorporates elements of the art like a situation or position as inspiration.

If the art is done by you the commissioner\it is of your own OC's, I will write for them from the image.

My OC's\Sona's or Canon Characters for the Choose Your Own Spiceventure series.

If you subscribe to my middle or top tiers you gain access to exclusive voting rights to the 'Choose your own' Writing series to directly influence what experiences the characters have.

I have a few OC's\Sona's for various fandoms, some Furry some Transformers, some Yautja, that will feature. The Oc's will each have their own artwork and Bio, with a little backstory so you can get attached. I will also be doing 'Choose your own' for Canon characters all well.

That's about it for now, thanks for reading all the way through. New writing example now live! Baldur's Gate 3 has consumed my soul. Minor spoilers for character details this suggestive\spicy example will go UNDER the first SFW one so you can avoid it if you wish. By contacting me through any platform for a spicy commission you are stating you are at least 18 years of age.

Safe For Work\NON Sexual Yautja 500 word Writing Example! (note this is currently unbeta'd)

"How long."

Heat was already filtering through the barricaded door seams. There was no glow yet, but it would not take much time for the tell tale cherry red to signify the advancing enemies attempts to break into the cell. Fortified as it was, the very security measures that had been put in place to keep a powerful and unruly prisoner contained was now proving to be a hindrance. A brief flick of a membrane and the world changed. Shapes and color swapped out for heat. The lights above, the three bodies behind and the point of contact where the thermal cutter ripped into reinforced metal bright and vibrant.

Well, two of the bodies behind were vibrant. The third was much cooler than it ought to have been. Vents above the point of restraint for the bulky, muscular alien had a layer of ice around the edges that had yet to fully melt. It was smart, keeping a species that preferred climates as hot as they could get them at just above freezing. It slowed them down. And were it any other type of being that was forced to kneel on the floor with five inch metal straps around every joint, enough drugs to knock out a herd of burden beasts and a muzzle-Isao might have thought the cryo vents were overkill.

No one who had half a non radiated brain cell underestimated a Yautja. Those who were insane enough to try and capture one clearly had never learned from the mistakes of others who had attempted such a feat in the past. So the cryo vents were mandatory. The small point of heat on an otherwise deep blue door lock was growing. And the woman who stood as close to the bound warrior as she could get without risking activating the vents was still waiting for an answer.

“Five minutes.”

Instantaneous translation via the tech chip that Isao could see behind the woman’s ear. It was a handy piece of work. The change in vision didn’t help to hide the panicked expression that crossed an expressive face. Didn’t disguise the change in her scent, or the tensing of her body. Five minutes. Both an eternity and a blink of an eye. Nothing at all. Far too short to free the Yautja from the bindings that held him down let alone to flush his system of the drugs used to keep him docile. Far too short a time for them to try and flee into the air systems 20 feet above at the ceiling.

They wouldn’t have been willing to leave the kneeling figure anyway. In her arms, the woman's suckling was trying to reach out to the male. Keening little clicks chirrups and half formed words in a language few could speak attempting to garner the adults attention. The child did not try to get down though, sensing that the danger outside was far closer to reaching them in their temporary little bubble than anyone would like to believe.

Minor spoilers for character details

Baldur's Gate3 Writing Example: Un-Beta'd Roughly 330 words. AstarionxHalsin: AppyJuiceBox mildy spicy times. This is part of a WIP that will be going up on Patreon first then AO3 and here.

A sharp sting that faded into a dull ache. Halsin had heard that a true vampire bite could be exquisitely pleasurable. The pain of Astarion’s, though minor enough, told the druid that he was a spawn, the commonest class of his particular kind of monster. His interest in knowing just how the tadpole was accomplishing such feats only grew as he felt the first tugs against his sensitizing flesh.

“Ngh..”

Ears perking at the sound, Halsin gripped at the folds of his pants with the hand that was behind the vampire's back. That had not been faked. Another soft, barely audible sound of delight as the male fed from his wrist had the druid’s breath hitching. The enjoyment of pleasures, both simple and carnal, delighted him. Called to his instincts to provide for and pamper those he kept in his confidence.

The sight of the occupant of his lap with half lidded eyes and flushed cheeks because of what he was granting sent a sharp zing of desire flitting through his limbs.

Unabashed, uncontrived contentment. No picture perfect smirks, no posing to let whoever was watching get the best angle of his body. Simple satisfaction through having a need met. Repressing a shudder as his cock began to fill, Halsin allowed a smile to tug at his lips as the faint movement caused the vampire to pull his captured limb closer, fingers tightening as if the other male would try and rip it away prematurely.

Being a big man, he had more to give than another might. Carefully counting the gulps that Astarion took, Halsin allowed his intuition to guide his actions as he slid his fingers up into the white hair at the base of the other elves' skull. Taking a firm grip without pulling just yet, the druid spoke in a low tone. Too loud of a volume he felt would break the spell, and he wanted to enjoy the sight before him a little while longer.

“Two more swallows and then you're done.”

---

That's it for now, see all you lovelies later .

#writing commissions #open writing commissions #bg3 #my writing #transformers #zelda #predator franchise #please heed the warnings #halstarion #astarion #halsin #bloodbear #rolan #dammon #rolan bg3 #zevlor

[dzpenumbra]

8/1/23

I can't begin to explain how drained I am.

I had a headache for most of the day. I just drank a cup of chai at like midnight (it's 1:15) because I realized I hadn't had caffeine all day and that's probably why I have such a bad headache. Now, that caffeine is kicking in, the headache is melting away, but I'm extremely aware of how utterly exhausted I am.

I woke up after 5 hours. I immediately put my headphones in and tried to go back to sleep. I stopped myself from trying after exactly 15 minutes. I checked my email and found messages from my therapist.

I had emailed my therapist before I talked to my former friend who offered me the graphic design commission. He replied. I read what he said as... kinda siding with graphic design and... "take what you can get"... I scanned his messages and got that message very clear from him. I replied emphasizing that design and art are not only different fields, they're entirely different workflows. I tried very hard to express how having someone go around and advertise me as a graphic designer doesn't help me as an artist, it would help me as a graphic designer. And, since the people who are looking for design are not typically looking for creative input... they're looking for someone who knows how to use software to make the thing they are envisioning... in some ways this actually damages my non-existent reputation as an artist.

I'm fucking tired of explaining this. But here I go again, on one last hoorah before I fucking finally tap out of this. Someone comes up to me and says "I'd love to help you out." They claim to "like my style", yet proceed to tell me how they avoid Instagram like the plague, when I had specifically asked them to check out my recent work before the meeting. Then, in the consultation, they have very clear ideas of what they want done and how... which leaves little room for "my style". My style, the one that he's familiar with... is realism, organic blending, colored pencil and pen work. What he commissioned... was a vector-based low-detail letterhead and t-shirt graphic for a welding company. TELL ME THAT'S NOT BULLSHIT. He doesn't want my style, he doesn't even want to take 35 seconds to google my style, or click the direct link to my portfolio that I gave him. I doubt if I asked him right now, he could tell me what my alias of over 10 years is, the one I've been using for my art for 4 years.

He claimed to want to help my career. And his way of helping is... to help himself. With a logo he needs. And "hey man, maybe people will see that logo and go 'that's pretty cool' and I'll send them your way!" <wink wink nudge nudge> Awesome. Nothing I'd like more than to do a logo for the trucking company you're doing specialty welding for. Let me see, what other projects do I have going right now... I'm doing hand-painted grip tape, I'm doing hand-made jewelry, I'm doing a hand-painted goat skull, I'm doing hand-painted customized clothing (hoodie, and soon pants too), I'm doing mini Zen gardens for artistic and functional and living home décor. Now, when you see my work, my "style"... does designing a fucking logo for a trucking company mesh with that? Are they my... target demographic?

Not only do I not know how to make logos... I don't really fucking care how to make logos. I don't. I care so little about making logos that I have been streaming and have had an online presence for my art for over 4 years and I have never once made a logo. Because I have art I can put in that spot instead.

Now... this anger, this frustration that's coming out here. This frantic need to explain and justify my position here. I found out what this is today. It was really hard for me to break myself out of it, and it's even hard to do now. I have this frantic beast in the back of my head saying "keep explaining, you're right there. Then THEY will understand. Then THEY will... help. And things will start working." It's... kinda panic. But rooted in trauma. A series of traumas that rocked me to my core; a lifetime, really. And I'm reliving it... right now. Right this moment. Those feelings, that franticness, that "I'm so close, I just have to find the right words".

It's fucking... I legit can't even put it into words. I handwrote 2.5 pages of business notes on 5 hours of sleep. I typed out monthly and weekly survival budgets, a budget of baseline survival expenses. Survival. That should've been a big red flag there.

I figured it out a bit too late, around 9:30 PM tonight. But all of these freakouts of like... It is exceptionally EXCEPTIONALLY rare that someone comes into my life and offers to help me. With fucking anything. And I was just like... "holy crap, this changes everything." And the dipshit offers to help me with shit that has nothing to do with my work, and clearly has not even looked at my work. Not only is that a bad friend, it's really a bad client. He didn't even do his research on who he was getting work done from, or quote a price first. He just dove right in and started shmoozing and bullshitting. And then shot one of my spirit animals with a .45 pistol with hollow-point bullets while on the phone with me.

So... since it's exceptionally rare that someone offers me help, I feel like I can't afford to say no. I'm in the middle of Bumfuck, Alaska, and a trade caravan is passing through. Can I afford to not stock up on food? It could be years before the next offer to help me. And then the help offer... it doesn't even fucking help my career. I, as a fine artist, art blogger, whatfuckingever the term is going to be... I'm not going to put my fucking logo for a welding company in my portfolio of fine art that I'm sending to goddamn galleries. It. Makes. Me. Look. Bad. And I'm not proud of it. It is, at most... partially my work, and most definitely not my vision.

I'm still doing the explaining thing... So yeah, I get panicked. I feel like I need to frantically explain, so they'll understand. So they'll get what I actually do. So they'll get what my career is. And then they'll go "holy shit, wow, I had no idea. That's fascinating! How can I help you?" And I'll start rattling off ways they can help me.

But... haha... BUT... They don't care. They don't. They're not a fan. "It's not my thing." "I don't like that website." "I don't have the time." "I'm not good with technology." Excuses are like assholes, everyone's got 'em and they're all full of shit.

The reality I've been avoiding is that... this guy doesn't actually care about me. He just knows I have integrity and I will get the job done, and won't rip him off... in fact, I'll probably just give it away to him for free, just like his ex-wife's S-tier tattoo design. Because of my whole monastic, people-pleasing, be-a-good-guy approach to life.

It all revolves around the idea of... support. That really meaning, at its core... social acceptance. Society (literally any person in society, ideally multiple) showing an interest in what I do and having a place for my contributions. And the reality is... I don't have that. I'm orbiting society. I'm barely even noticed. Both personally and professionally. It's rare for me to even experience eye contact.

So... when I rush to clean my whole house and mock up 6 prototypes overnight... and the dude makes up a bunch of excuses like "I don't want to look at a bunch of girls on multimillion dollar yachts pretending to be hot shit or something" as a way to exclude himself from pulling his phone out of his pocket and looking at ANY of my online media... so he can familiarize himself with what I do... The reality is very plainly, very simply... he doesn't care. And that is what it is. He is not a fan, he is not a friend, he's just making a practical business deal with an on-hand resource. And quantifying that actually, in a weird way, helps me ground and relax. It lowers the stakes, the gravity of the loss if I were to say "no".

I'm Tom Hanks in Castaway... And he's a boat that pulls up to shore, asks for directions, takes some of the castaway's food and fucking leaves. As things lie right now, he's in no way doing me a favor short of giving me money for services rendered, a service that I have never offered. That's not him doing me a favor, that's him offering me a job in a different field. But... I am doing him a favor. And it would be very smart for me to remember that I have the power in this situation.

God, I just keep sinking into that whirlpool. I wonder how visible it is. It's like I get two sentences in and I start explaining and justifying again, as though I don't already understand. THAT process. The... invasive pull of every thought stream back to that same concept... "HELP ME". And the survival instincts that come with it. "I'll be here forever." "I'll never make it." Like being stuck in purgatory. And the frantic, demeaning having to explain myself over and over to ears that are not quite not listening to me... but rather... listening to my contributions to the conversation as though I am a 7-year-old kid with a box of crayons at the grownups table at a family reunion.

That image fucking sums it up, in my experience. I don't even know how to put that into words, that feeling. Not quite humiliation... kinda degradation? Diminution? Infantilization? Oh fuck, yep, thank you Google for verifying it. That's it. Infantilization. And then I'm panicked and feverishly jawing like a 7 year old trying to tell them that Santa Claus is actually real.

The past several days of my journal has been full of this. It's clear as day. That. That's a PTSD response. I'm piecing it together. It's an emotional reliving of a life of related fucked up traumas. Really really fucked up things, that you really shouldn't do to other people, that happened to me. And when something similar to it shows its face? This happens. I can't sleep. I'm haunted for days. I fall asleep ranting to the ceiling. I wake up ranting to the ceiling. I come up with survival plans to provide a sense of security and safety.

I'm... so... tired. It's only 2AM and I can barely keep my eyes open. What this shit does to me is utterly savage. I'm so deeply grateful for the work I've put in to be able to identify it as it's happening now. And it really didn't take that much time for me to be able to go "oh fuck, I know what you are. I see you."

Where I need to be right now? Instead of the Past? Instead of the Future? Now. I need to be Here and Now. And that's what I did. I tapped out of the ambitious plan to finish the grip tape today and I decided to do some self-massage on my quads instead. I don't really know how to angle myself so my legs are relaxed to properly do it, but I did some and I feel much better for just... stopping the franticness and the freaking out... and just relaxing and doing something nice for myself. It helped.

So... I'm going to go to bed early. Because fuck it. Maybe I'll even watch a TV show in bed or something, I don't know. It's been ages since I watched a TV show or a movie. Because it's a nice, quiet, beautiful night. The temperature is not too hot, not too cold. The moon is full(ish). And one of my bean plants looks like it might actually make a full recovery! (The other sadly didn't make it. -_-) The world isn't all doom and gloom. There is peace here. Good lord, if it's one thing I'm insanely grateful for, it's that I turned my home into a place of peace, healing and inspiration. In a very dedicated way. Living in a space that nurtures life, in which I am cultivating lifeforms, has a very different feel to it.

Anyway, I'm gonna go do that. I just really felt like it was worth writing that, about catching myself in my flashbacks. Again, I had no idea that was what was happening, I was just feeling insanely strong emotions. So, that's a huge step forward. I even messaged my therapist back and apologized if I was intense and thanked him for his patience, and he knew, and seemed really relieved that I was able to figure it out myself. Good lord. That's so crazy. So much of mental health self-care is really, at its root, a very broad sense of self-awareness.

I could go on for ages. But I'm literally nodding off. Bye.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness #ptsd