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#i dissociated alot and felt down for most of the day
draxumain · 4 months
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I AM IN CONTROL AFFIRMATION TAPE REVIEW
Heyy!!
It's officially been a week since I've used @adambja self-concept affirmation tape, and oh boy, do I have some news!!
I made a list of all the things I was going to manifest beforehand, you know, to tick them all off.
I followed her instructions, and listened to it everyday for 1 hour. I listened whilst I ate, studied, on the way to my courses and whilst I was chilling. I didn't want to stress and strain myself by finding time and forcing myself to listen to them so I instead mixed it into my busy schedule rather than separating it, because why not?
And oh boy, the results were glorious!
Here's the list of what I wanted to manifest, I wanted them to come In at a comfortable need to want type pace rather than instantly like I did before biggest kisses to shadow work for helping me slow tf down and prioritise both my wants and needs in a healthy manner 🫶🏾
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RESULTS:
: Soooo I met this cute girl at school, she ticks so many of my boxes!! She's the talker, physically affection, cute nicknames I love it!! Currently just talking and flirting but I'm excited go see where this goes, ticks off my wlw relationship! I wanted something slow and meaningful, she's a little fast but meaningful I think it's the talking stage exciting jitters we'll see how it goes once she takes a breather. But I'm enjoying our time together.
: Dreams have been a lot more vivid! Dream recall sucks ass cause my sleep schedule and daily nutritional intakes are fucked give me a minute to fix those and lucid dreaming will natural for me I swear you guys 😭 I had such a realistic dream today I mixed it up with real life, everything felt so real it was insanely bizarre
: I feel a lot more direct and open to shifting now in comparison to last week, my mindset towards it has gone from "I need to do x then x otherwise it won't work I need to do everything properly or else I'll fail" to "Fuck it what I say goes"
I no longer pay great attention to the 3D but I still have a healthy view point to this reality which is something I always struggled with, detachment lead to dissociation which lead to hard core depression. We're feeling good right now though!
Something I tried to manifest before hand finally came up, simple thing but I wanted to wake up with my eyes closed, remain still and instantly remember shifting. This is so I could shift through my most preferred shifting state which required for me to wake up eyes closed and bam! Shift.
But I always woke up with my eyes open, it was a struggle. Not anymore folks!!
: My YouTube video views are increasing, I had a slow recent video that was barely moving its now getting 1k views per day and I'm a few subscribers away to my next milestone goal 30k which I wasn't close to last week
: I made a money review riggght here! It's for her money affirmation tape however the I am in control tape played a role too! Powerful duo 101% recommend using both <3
: My eyelashes are looking a lot fuller and my eyes are alot more sharper and more outlined, hope that makes sense. You, can actually tell the shape of if it's nice and sharp. Nose is also a little more narrow, I didn't want it to narrow gotta love what my ancestors gave me <3 that's on black beauty
: Hair is in twists I can see my roots getting longer which means there's growth that happend after the twists! There wasn't that much growth before hand, so waist length hair here I come!!
OK, that's all now, ily tysm adambja!! <3
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snugglebeans3000 · 6 months
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For your oc ask information, take these 🫶🦀🐱
HDHDHDHSHDHDHDHFBFNRN you KNOW I have to do this one with Ryuga and Elliot— my MAIN SQUEEZIES—
1.🫶 this one is a little tricky. I think that Elliot always loved Ryuga and never realized it, however I think the first one to fall would be Ryuga. Of course, he didn’t realize it at first. But I think as time went on and he started to become aware that there was a distinction in the safety he felt with Elliot compared to everyone else, he would (begrudgingly) start to have some inkling in his subconscious that he was in love with Elliot. I think that they would really REALIZE it though at the same time when they were talking their feelings out after some discourse, and they both finally come clean about their emotions, even if they don’t fully comprehend what they are.
2. 🦀 Elliot handled it very well, or, at least, as well as he could. He was nervous— maybe a little scared. But I think most of all he would be so happy. So overjoyed and giddy over the fact that Ryuga had fallen for him of all people. Ryuga, on the other hand, probably would’ve been terrified. I think he would be pretty scared of just thinking about him falling in love in general. But actually REALIZING he had fallen in love would hit him like a freight train. He doesn’t handle regular emotions well— what makes him think he can handle this? He’s powerless to stop it, and that’s what really scares him. He doesn’t want to hurt Elliot, and he fears what he might do if he dissociates or if he lashes out without meaning to. But at the same time, he knows Elliot is strong. And that Elliot knows Ryuga would never hurt him, and vice versa. I think that after the whole ordeal of confessing their feelings (without realizing there were feelings, and then after the fact get HIT with REALIZATION) Ryuga would go non verbal for a little while and take a couple days just trying to process what was going on. Elliot would never try to push him during that time, and would reassure him that whatever he chose to be with Elliot would be alright with him. His happiness would be her greatest concern. Eventually Ryuga would settle into his new feelings and slowly, VERY VERY slowly, start to open up.
3. 🐱 (LAZA YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE YOU SLY DOG HEHEHEHE)
PET NAMES. Yes. THIS is something I think about quite often when trying to flesh out the relationship of these two. Elliot would be VERY outwardly affectionate to nearly everyone, but he does take it a couple steps farther when in a relationship. He is very physically affectionate, but because of how overwhelmed Ryuga gets with physical contact sometimes, he has to dial it back and express his love in other ways. Elliot would definitely be the type to use a lot of words of endearment, mainly ones that use an adjective and the word ‘boy’ (ex: good boy, sweet boy, darling boy, ect.). Occasionally he will call Ryuga Norsk pet names like godgutten (good boy), elsking (my love), or min kjæreste (basically meaning my dearest). I imagine that when Ryuga asks for a translation of these for the first time he gets really blushy and quiet as he tries to process the sentimental praise.
Ryuga on the other hand struggles with pet names/ terms of endearment alot. He often goes nonverbal when he tries to express big emotions, so most of the time he won’t say anything. He will sign some words out like ‘love’ or ‘precious’, but for the most part he keeps it on the down low. I think that after a couple of months together he would finally feel settled enough in his emotions to call Elliot sweetheart, darling, or love—even longer to call Elliot a possessive nickname (ex: my perfect boy/girl/darling). Everytime that Ryuga calls Elliot this she gets UBER GIDDY. Blushing, giggling, arm flapping/happy stomping feets galore— Elliot would LOVE the affection. Ryuga would never admit it to anyone other than Elliot, but seeing them react that way to what he says always makes him feel confident. (Plus, he thinks the way Elliot reacts is super cute. He would definitely tease him on occasion is he’s feeling really comfortable)
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nearsightedbat · 7 months
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I decided I needed somewhere on the internet to vent. I used to be really into tumblr when I was young. I had alot of followers even at one point. It’s funny back then I was followed a majority by the punk scene. I was quite popular. I remember at times it’s felt so fake cause I wasn’t punk and I didn’t like the music but then other times decked out in fully punk gear driving down the road blasting the adolescents in my green kia sorento with my messy hair blowing in the wind I felt most like myself.
It was like this a lot. All time time I’d feel “the most like myself” in different… idk characters or attitudes or outfit or hair. I can’t explain it.
I dyed my hair black for 6 months and one day decided to strip the color cause who was this girl with black hair staring at me in the mirror? Who was this sick girl, with dark under eyes and sunken cheek bones? Who was she? I didn’t know. In fact every time I look in the mirror I often felt the same. Who are you? Never knowing but knowing it was “me”.
I didn’t know I had dissociative identity disorder until 2022. I still don’t believe it at times. Other times it’s so fucking obvious to me it’s like I’m being hit in the face with all the time I was clearly not myself. All the behaviors that were mine but not mine.
When I got diagnosed i was angry. I didn’t want this disorder. In fact I was secretly hoping to be diagnosed bpd.
It’s been a year now since I found out.
I do therapy and I don’t feel any better.
I feel like through the discovery process of the system I have lost parts of myself. They are angry for being found out.
So now it’s been a year of picking up pieces and honestly I have nothing to show for it.
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yennasun · 1 year
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July 3rd, 2016.
So far so good, his first job with rocky had gone with only a few bumps along the way.
Not bad kid, keep this up and you'n me'll get along real well
He remembered thinking how much he reminded him of Rooney and had to fight a lump in his throat.
Probably didn't help that they were both ex mob...
He had another job with zip as well, they were stealing cargo from a shady organization and MT went as insurance incase things went ass-up...
Needless to say, It did but MT ensured the cargo got back safely.
"Man, you're good. Just as bad as they said you were...I Like you, I hope I get to know more about you!"
Yeah, as if
He remembered thinking.
As much as he hated to admit it, while he found it annoying at first, he began to find zips energy endearing...he was still young after all.
Hopefully he gets outta this shithole
MT knew that zip needed to leave this life behind as soon as possible, he knew these experiences would stick with him once he fully processed the magnitude of them.
He just hoped zip was smart enough to make it so.
He remembered asking zip how long he'd been doing this
"Oh a loooong time. I think since I was 14!"
He answered giddily.
At that moment MT found that they had alot more in common than he initially thought...
MT enjoyed his "life" at first too...
He also pulled a job with buster, simple work that both of them were accustomed to; intimidation.
But it wasn't the usual street drug dealers that MT was used to, this time he was going after one of the big shots up the ladder.
The two were specifically instructed not to kill anyone, the last thing they wanted was a full blown gang War.
They beat and bruised their way into the main penthouse and found the leader.
He stood up and pointed a gun at them, he must've been younger based on his inexperience evidenced by how his hands shook as he held the gun.
"Put it down son, you don't wanna use it." James said
He sat back down and they discussed his new plan of action; that being, to cease business in the area.
He fought against Busters wishes at first but folded once he met MTs glower.
Once the deal was done and over with, the 2 headed out the door.
"Man you must got somethin' I don't. Thought I'd have to get physical up in there" buster began to walk off, but turned around after realizing MT hadn't followed.
"Ain't you comin' with?" He asked
"Nah, I'm gonna head back to my place."
"Suit yourself."
His pill addiction had gotten to the point where he could recognize it as a problem, but he couldn't find it in himself to do anything about it.
He found himself turning the pill bottle up more and more, it began to compliment his periods of dissociation that seemed to increase in frequency.
It even began to affect him memory, some days he'd wake up not knowing where he was.
It was so far that he started to forget to do basic things like eating, drinking and sleeping at the right time, as evidenced by his darkening bags under his eyes and his alarming weight loss.
The fatigue that followed the come-down was always crippling and he'd find himself repeating the process once again.
His meltdowns had come back faster and harder than ever before, now he'd full-on hallucinate. He broke down in tears so frequently when he was alone that he'd forgotten what happiness felt like...if he'd ever even known the emotion to begin with.
He was miserable, but he wouldn't even admit it to himself, much less to anyone else.
October 10th, 2016
He ran a job with Rojas, they were tasked with torching down an old warehouse where that same shady organization set up drug labs.
They took out the muscle there and were caught off guard by how well equipped they were, automatic weapons, Kevlar, the whole shebang.
Either way it went well for the most part besides a few hiccups and they burnt the place down.
"Good job Marv, remind me to bring you with if I need something torn down."
She complimented.
"Couldn'tve done it without backup. Thanks by the way"
He said as he began to walk away.
He stopped once he felt a tug on his arm.
"You should come stay the night at the hideout, these guys gimme a bad feeling..."
MT knew she was right, and his guard rose once again at all the possibilities.
If they're this well equipped that means they have connections...if they find out where I live they might find out WHO I am...hell no!
"All right, just tell me where to lay my head and I should be fine"
She led him back to their hideout and they all greeted him with surprise. He didn't usually stay there long.
"We hit those creepy guys again, I'm having him stay here awhile just in case..."
"The same guys me and Sheila raided?"
Buster asked
"Yeah...them"
"We raided a steroid lab and in their computer files found that whoever their working for is called; the commission." Sheila replied
MTs heart sank and he panicked internally, his body went cold but he began sweating profusely. Anything the others said were muffled by the ringing in his ears and he went over to lay down on the couch next to the one rocky and vito sat on.
He tried to suppress the shivers he got at the memories of what their goons did to him, and at what they'd do to him if they ever found him.
He lost feeling in his breathing drew in irregularity and his vision narrowed, he failed to notice rocky glance at him.
"Hey you uh...y'alright? You don't look well..." he looked up at rocky dumbly but didn't answer and vito shushed rocky subtly.
"He's a low-key guy like us, don't put too much attention on him it'll make it worse." Vito saw the others talking amongst themselves and put a blanket over MT when he knew they weren't looking.
"What's wrong wit'im?" Rocky asked
"Don't know, if I had to guess though, I'd say he's having a nervous breakdown."
"What's that? Will it kill 'im?" Vito almost laughed until he realized who he was talking too.
Rocky was a bit old school...
"Nah it won't kill 'em, he's just so rattled he can't think straight" Vito explained
"Damn...I haven't known the guy long but it can't be good to shake em up THIS bad."
Thankfully no one else pried, Claudia did pass by him and put a hand on his forehead.
Usually he swatted away any attempts at physical contact but he was barely aware kf his surroundings and it did well to ground him a bit more.
She led him to one of the spare rooms where he could calm himself down without the fear of anyone else seeing, once inside he dropped on the bed.
Instead of suppressing it farther, he let it hit him full force in hopes that it'd go away quicker.
He eventually blacked out for who knows how long, when he came to it was deep in the night and everyone was asleep.
He got up and went through the fridge in hopes he'd find some alcohol and was pleased to find a bottle of whiskey that most likely belonged to vito.
He went outside to the balcony and sat down, pouring out 3 painkillers into his hand before downing them with the whiskey.
He took the time to reflect on everything that'd happened in the last few years, the stillness of the air complementing the melancholy that was his bleeding memories.
Of all the bad things that'd happened to him, it never stopped. Escaping his creator hadn't gotten rid of his pain, it'd only exposed him to an environment so fast paced he didn't have time to think about it.
So many terrible things he'd done just to prolong his worthless life for a bit longer, was it really all worth it?
Would Rooney approve of the person I'm becoming?
He'd much preferred physical pain over this...
Just then, he heard the door open behind him.
He stood up in surprise and turned to see a small figure frozen at the doorway.
Claudia
He'd gotten to know her a small bit after he'd payed her visits for injuries he'd taken on the job.
"What are you doing Here?" She asked
"I was about to ask you the same thing..." he answered
"Well...this is usually where I come to...think a little." He let out a dry chuckle
"Yeah, well too much of that can be a bad thing." Claudia went silent for a moment before proceeding out the doorway.
"You know, people who think like that usually don't have many good things to think about." She sat at the ledge.
"So what's on your mind?" She asked
Deciding not to reveal too much, he answered.
"Rather not say."
"That's too bad...if you keep things in for too long they'll melt you down from the inside out...i should know."
"And why's that?"
She looked onto the bleak and decrepit city before sighing.
"I'm 24 now. Next month I will have been created 25 years ago...my owner told me she always wanted what was best for me."
"I know how that feels..." he said under his breath
"She did these...awful things to me, she called what she did to me "tests". And she could get away with it, she had all the right degrees and licenses. It's where I learned how to treat people."
She paused for a bit, unsure of whether to continue or not.
"Eventually she sold me off to these sketchy guys, many painful surgeries and tests later and-" she held an arm out.
A blade shot out through the top of her wrist.
"-That's how I got these. Right here, with these people I feel safe, loved even. I hope you eventually feel the same..." She said softly
"Sounds like you've been through hell...but u know how you feel."
"You too?" She turned to him.
"Kind of...my old man only ever wanted one thing out of me, I thought I did too but looking back...I'd rather have been someone else."
"Really...?"
"He wanted me to fight for money, it's all he'd ever talked about and all I was ever allowed to think about...but my...u-uncle lived with us and he was the opposite of my old man. He was kind, caring, even though he was forced to train me he always tried to fight him whenever he could."
"It's always important to have someone who loves you unconditionally, it keeps us grounded from the cold and harrowing reality."
The two sat in silence for a bit.
"So where is he now?"
"Huh?"
"You're...uncle you said?"
"Yeah yeah. I don't...know...I ran away awhile back and he stayed behind. I haven't seen him since, I miss him so much..."
"That's horrible." She breathed deeply.
"Well I hope you find him someday."
"...me too..."
Unable to stomach not only talking vaguely about his history but also partially lying about it, he went back inside and put vitos drink back in the fridge.
Heading into the spare room he felt the painkillers hit him full force and his limbs began to feel heavy as his eyelids did.
He laid down on his side and let his eyelids fall.
He woke up to the sound of a knock on his door.
Opening his eyes, he jumped out of bed to answer it.
Sheila met his gaze nodded her head.
"Heyyy...were you having a nightmare? I think I heard you scream last night."
He didn't remeber having any nightmare, screaming in his sleep however, was nothing new.
"Maybe, I dunno. I don't usually remeber my dreams if they don't already stand out."
"Huh. Well anyways both of us are going out on a job later today, easy stuff."
"Alright, lay it on me."
"So there's this laptop up in one of the kingpins little apartments, has the routes of all his drug shipments, names, Addresses and numbers of all his contacts...do you know how much money we could make off that information?" She said as her eyes lit up.
"Yeah, sounds like a hell of a score. But why do you need me?" He asked
"So when I go into his apartment I'm gonna take him and his bodyguards out quietly, thing Is; someone's bound to check in after some radio silence. I need you to go out and cause a diversion to keep some heat off me...luckily not too far away is a docking bay where some product is being shipped in. Torch that, and they'll all be flocking to you."
MT nodded in admiration at the woman's planning.
"Solid plan...what time is it and where do I go?" She laughed
"Buster said he loved that about you...straight to the point. Anyways, it'll be at 5:30PM near the old docking bay on 97th."
"Got it, I'll be there."
He prepared himself for the job as the day went on, he now stood on the corner of 97th with the entrance to the docking bay in sight.
All he needed was the call from Sheila.
"Blackout, you there?"
"Yup, just need a sec..."
He waited in anxiety.
"...do it!" She said.
Brining his mask over his face he calmly walked to the entrance of dock.
He saw people at a boat moving crates of what he only assumed was product.
One of them approached him.
"Hey! You're not supposed to be here, clear off!"
He stared the man down as he saw several guns pointed at him.
He breathed in deep and erupted in an explosion so large Sheila could see it from blocks away.
During the confusion, he sent blasts towards the boats, blowing them up and leaving smoke piling as the fire spread throughout the dock.
He hears several cars pull over at the entrance and braced himself for a fight.
As MT fought off the goons, Sheila had gone to work on cracking the laptop.
She asked for a diversion and that's exactly what she got, it even distracted her for a second!
Holy shit! Thats so far away too-
She finally cracked the laptop and swept through the files, determining which ones were worth saving.
She saw everything she'd described to MT, routes, contacts etc.
But something caught her eye, an email from an anonymous email.
"You know better than to double cross the commission Manuel, you keep the juice coming and we'll keep paying you. This was your idea after all."
She almost skipped past the email until she saw the bottom.
"P.S; I still have yet to hear back from your task to find mike tarvor, the guys 6'5 for fucks sake he can't be that hard to spot! Here's another picture incase you incompetent morons need to be reminded of who you're looking for. [Attachment]"
She opened it and her mouth nearly dropped to the floor.
It was him, it was marvin Thompson.
She knew it once she saw all the scars tarvor had on his face, not only that but they were the same height and color...
"Thats so badass!" She smiled
"But why would he keep that a secret, if I were him I'd be in the big city touting myself loud and proud, not slumming down in this shithole..." then she remembered the email
The commission...oh...if the rumors are true then these guys are some twisted bastards...
She deleted the email and cleared the trash after she saved the files to a zip drive.
No one needs to know, I trust myself to keep my mouth shut but I don't trust the others to do the same...
She got back on her radio.
"Got everything MT, get outta there!" She yelled as she exited the building.
"Alright I'll get to it, I'll see you a-aaggh!" Je screamed out
"What happened?!" She yelled
"Caught a bullet...fuck, just go ill try and catch up."
"I can help you, I'm on my way!"
"Don't do it! It's way too hot here, I'll be fine just get a move on!" He yelled as he closed the radio.
He continued fighting off the well equiped goons but he'd taken another one to his shoulder.
By the time he'd finished all of them off he'd been fighting for almost 2 hours and got shot a third time in his chest.
He limped out of the docks, heating up his finger and sticking it in the wounds to cauterize them. he had a walk ahead of him to get back to their hideout that was 4 miles away.
He limped back, as his breaths came out with more effort and his balance began to leave him.
He knew he was most likely dying from blood loss and internal bleeding but strangely...he wasn't afraid.
He'd been in this position many times, only difference was that if he died here he wouldn't respawn to go through it again, it was a weirdly comforting thought.
After hours of limping he finally reached the door to their hideout.
He opened the door and limped to claudias clinic, ignoring the gasps that drew from Rojas and buster.
His hearing began to fade as a high pitched siren originating in his own ears took over, not hearing what Claudia said to him as he laid down on one of the beds and fainted.
---------------------------------------------------
Yeah holy hell it's been awhile since I continued the main story, only after 2 weeks of releasing the last chapter did I write a draft down, sorry about that.
I hope I was able to make this one worth it in some way, thanks for reading!
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bugjuices · 8 months
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i have two whole days off plus the weekends normally and he NEVER messages me whenever i have time off i swear to god. its always when im at work hes like wyd? im at work bro and you know when im mad i have to find a few minutes to texf paragraphs of how annoyed i am and i type fast too so. im just like PLEASE i wait around all day to talk to you sometimes!! but its just another thing where i have to remind myself i CAN do other things and not be so dependent on other people and what theyre doing. i think i cling onto others alot now, especially these past two years. ive always been obsessive and dependent on at least one other person throughout my life, but with brandon dying, beauford leaving me, then evan and then my house burning down all in like a succession of 2-3 years it was just so hard to care to stand by myself anymore. and im just leeching off others kindness- but i didnt used to. i used to work hard and do things for others all the time albeit if i was a little lazy at times. but over the years i grew to hate myself even more and started to just eat and eat and eat and last year was so awful and rough. last year was simultaneously a really good year and one of the worst. i always ruin things for myself, for the first time i did things i didnt think i would and hurt someone i shouldn’t have. i felt unloved and dissociated myself from my emotions after so much of the same pain kept happening over and over (breaking up multiple times and every time id get physically sick and have vomit/diarrhea, crying out for days on end) and did something awful because i didnt think it mattered because he would just break up with me again. i didnt realize alot of things about myself, but through him i did and even though we hurt one another i do think that in the end we truly loved one another and that if we were to be together again it would be fine now that weve both understand one another a bit more. we are both over emotional people and i think through him i learned how to control myself alot because i didnt want to hurt him and he did the same for me and now were on good terms i would hope and say. i still depend on him alot and i know he worries about and still indulges in alot of my paranoia and fear, but i think for the most part i can still move on in my life but for a long time i dont think ill ever have feelings for anyone else, its not possible for me because of how i feel my emotions.
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syiano · 3 years
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Okay so, I've been struggling today but I still had some motivation to write. I've been doing a little better with eating since I normally don't eat much, which is kind of hard but I'm making progress. :)
Being Tony's Boyfriend and Having Light Powers Headcanons
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💲Tony calls you a walking light bulb.
💲Well, that's your main nickname. He has ALOT for you. Disco ball, flashlight, his ray of sunshine...
💲Okay, that last one wasn't so bad.
💲You can take energy and make it your own, which is why Tony doesn't let you touch his suits because he knows you can drain the energy out of them and turn it into light.
💲You absorb energy and power from the sun, which makes you an incredible asset to the team, especially during missions. As long as you have the sun, you can literally fight for (endless) hours.
💲But you're not weak when the sun isn't out, though. Your energy or powers are just limited, but not to a point where you're just completely vulnerable.
💲You like to make little sparkles with your fingers and make mini fireworks. (Light making fire and all)
💲Luckily, none of the Avengers are bold enough to try and make you angry. But if anyone does, uh...they'll most likely have a bright flash in their eyes and go blind.
💲Or the lights in the room will go so bright that they will explode.
💲You sometimes make your shared room look like a disco room to dance and listen to music.
💲When Tony would keep making jokes about your powers, you would purposely make the lighting on his phone screen or computer WAY too bright when he comes back.
💲You literally shine when you're exicted or filled with joy.
  "Whoa! Turn the brightness down, Y/N!
  "Shut it and let me be happy, Tony." You said.
💲You sometimes accidentally wake up Tony up in the middle of the night and he sees you literally glowing from being so comfortable and happy, and he makes a snarky comment everytime it happens.
  "Hey, can someone turn the light off?"
   "Heh, heh... sorry."
     --
    "Do you have an off switch?
    "Tony, don't start it."
    "Don't start what? You? You're already on."
💲You make a good light in the dark when the lights go out, though.
   "Shit, the power went out." Tony said. Then, he clapped his hands. "Why didn't you turn the light on, Y/N?"
  You cringed. "I'm not a lamp, Tony..."
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spade-riddles · 3 years
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"Adjusting Expectations" Post
This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.
Anonymous said:
Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.
casuallycruel131313 said:
I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.
@theprologues said:
Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?
rockcrow20 said:
Have to say I also agree with most of this.
I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really
Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)
Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.
I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.
I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.
Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.
original-cypher said:
@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".
rockcrow20 said:
@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!
rainbowdaisy13 said:
This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁
@kellykaylor said:
agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!
roameroo said:
Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.
always-the-last-word said:
Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.
@karlie-what-you-want said:
always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.
always-the-last-word said:
Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.
chosetherose said:
I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.
But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.
I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?
I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.
Anonymous said:
Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.
Anonymous said:
Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠
Anonymous said:
I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.
Anonymous said:
A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕
Anonymous said:
What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.
Anonymous said:
1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.
2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.
3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.
4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.
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idealnreal · 4 years
Note
I would love a meta on a timeline of takuto’s mental state
meta / who ever you are nonnie you have my love forever
I solemnly swear i will not make this a thousand words long crap it is. But yes, lets do this.
1) Childhood to his teen-years
Being quite a sensitive child, Takuto was hyper aware of the emotions running through the house in his early childhood. He still remembers being quite stressed and upset whenever he heard his parents voices being raised. A part of him also understood that he should not expect his father to come back, and he understood enough to feel upset. At school, he was easily overwhelmed in busy and noisy classrooms -- and will often withdraw or to sit on his own. However, for the most part, he was fine with making friends, and did make a few. He also quickly bonded with his step-father, who did get him a cat for a present -- and the combination of both helped him manage his social anxiety.
In middle school, his family moved into another town, and though he experienced a lot of initial stress -- middle school was where he met Shibu and Rumi. And with them, he began to become alot more social and able to manage  his anxiety and emotions. He joined school activities, went bouldering with his friends and seniors. He did have his share of taking on more than he could handle, as he was often who his classmates would go to talk to -- and for help. There were several times where he would mistake the experiences and feelings of another for his own. And would come home terribly upset. He also became more aware of the wider world through both fiction and non fiction, and the news. It was probably in high school when he began feeling anxious of the state of the world -- and his place in it. 
2) University
He remembers his time at university as the happiest of his years. With Rumi and Shibu -- and his new found direction in life -- for the most part he felt completely in control. Sure, there were long nights, short tempers, impossible deadlines and exams-- it never caused him any anxiety that he couldn’t handle. His social circle is limited to Rumi’s and Shibu’s friends, as well as the people he climbs with -- and he never felt the need to have anymore than those. Towards the end of medical school is when he first discovered cognitive pscience and began to research it -- which would become his purpose and joy.
Perhaps the most difficult portion of this stage of his life was his psychiatric residency. He had become painfully aware over how responsible he was over someone’s happiness -- even their lives. This stress made it difficult for him to block himself from over-empathising with his patients again. And he suffered  emotional burn-outs and depressive episodes regularly for years -- straining most of his relationships. Which made him all the happier and prouder when he completed his residency, completed several papers on cognitive pscience, was licensed -- and most importantly, when Rumi agreed to marry him.
3) Prior and after the Incident 
He began experiencing migraines several months before the incident-- which he  thinks could be the effect of staring at his research too long and working late into the night. But despite this, his hope was higher than ever-- as he felt that his life and his future had fallen into place. He was over the moon at the idea that he will marry Rumi -- and though finances were tight, he was sure that his research would one day be able to earn him a decent salary to make their lives comfortable. But his life would never be that simple.
The months that followed the Incident were characterised by periods of intense depression, broken by a handful of days of manic overworking on his research. It is also after the Incident when he began experiencing dissociative/ depersonalisation episodes due to his trauma and survivor’s guilt. He also regularly gets auditory hallucinations, while the migraines also seemed to intensify. However, he feared admitting to anyone that he was suffering from these conditions -- much less seek treatment. He was terrified that it will be used to discredit his research and push him further out of the academic funding circle. Besides, he needed to keep sane for Rumi. He needed to stay strong for her. This is also the point where his distortion begins to manifest.
His first awakening to Azathoth and the subsequent ‘loss’ of Rumi, revealed his path forward. He knew what he had to do, how to do it and why he must see it through. This singular and clear vision began driving him forward on working on his research, despite various failings and attempts to shut his work down. While the migraines and hallucinations have stopped, he still experiences dissociative episodes, as well as very lucid nightmares due to his link with Azathoth -- even if it was under-developed at the time. 
4) Years prior to the start of the game and prior to the third semester
He has pushed away almost everyone in his life in the years prior to the game, his friends and his family-- a result of his unresolved survivor’s guilt and paranoia. He continues with his research and working at a few private practices over the years to help heal people, and to gather data to test his theories. 
And while he suffers from various setbacks to his mental health, he has been able to methodically manage his anxiety, emotional burn out, and his dissociative episodes. He still refuses to admit it to others or to seek treatment -- and he convinces himself that as long as his episodes don’t get too out of hand, and that he’s still able to work on his research, it’s fine. 
Any small happiness he has felt during this period would soon be quenched by compulsive suspicion and guilt. Perhaps any true feelings of joy he felt were all related to advances of his research -- spotting the phantom thieves returning from the Metaverse, and Joker helping him realise that he could integrate the collective unconscious into his theories. 
To make clear, despite his attempt to keep people away -- he cares deeply about every single person he meets, and every single patient or student he takes on. He is genuine in everything he does for them, and he would be the first to go above and beyond to cheer them up or to help them. He shares their joys, as well as their burdens, and these people drive him onwards.
6) Third semester
His full awakening to Azathoth was a cathartic experience. For years, he had worked on studying the cognitive world, formulated theories of how it can be used in therapy and gathered proof that it can be used to heal. And if his first awakening granted him the key, now, he was shown the lock and the door. While his heart was distorted with his messiah complex long before this event, it  has now been given validation and supercharged. Now Takuto had been chosen to give the world and all humanity the peace and happiness it deserves. 
His full awakening also fully merged his mind and self with Azathoth, and as a result, I think he has gained all the maddening knowledge of the world between realities, and of all realities and of all worlds. And by taking root in Mementos, he also began experiencing all of people’s fears, pains, and memories. Now, knowing and feeling all of humanity’s agony -- whatever doubt he had was gone, replaced only by the singular conviction that what he must do was the right thing. 
And this was also the same time his survivor’s guilt twisted into deep self-loathing. When before he would dissociate from a room full of happy people, now, he was convinced that there was no place for him in this perfect and ideal world that he was creating. He would take all of humanity’s burdens and sins -- he would sacrifice his own life and existence-- if it meant their salvation. There was no going back. 
7) Post royal (True Ending)
Atlus: Ta-Da! he’s fine, happy taxi driver man! Me: Uhm, Doubt.
While the change of heart definitely caused his messiah complex madness to disappear -- it left a gaping void of his unresolved trauma, survivor’s guilt and an intense anxiety about his purpose in life and place in the world. He now doesnt trust himself to help or heal anyone -- the only real thing he had about him ‘self’ and his identity. And now -- he has experienced that perfect reality and tormented with the knowledge that he had failed to uphold it, and that if the world was suffering now, it was his fault. The world was back to being the terrifying, chaotic, meaningless place it always was -- and there was nothing he can do about it.
As a result, for the months that followed his defeat -- he would have crippling depression and intense dissociative/derealisation episodes. His would also experience auditory and visual hallucinations -- which, together with everything else, usually resulted in some degree of self-harm.
Yes, I do think he will eventually admit and ask for help from Shibu and his own family-- and he will find some way to pick up the pieces and pull himself back togethe, and that he’ll seek out Rumi and work through their trauma together. But it will be an incredible struggle. There is a happy ending for him -- it just might take a couple more years. And some goddamned therapy.
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purple-verse · 5 years
Text
Extremely detailed character sheet for Randall
Template found here
Character Chart
Character’s full name: Randall Gaspar Purpura
Reason or meaning of name: My characters tend to name themselves. When I first designed Randall the name just kinda echoed in my head.
Character’s nickname: I call him Rand. NEVER RANDY. dont do that please.
Reason for nickname: Randall is a long name lmao
Birth date: 12/13/73
Physical appearance
Age:  23
How old does he/she appear: i think Randall looks a lot younger and could probably be mistaken for 17-19. he definitely gets carded whenever buying anything adult.
Weight: 95-100 pounds
Height: 5′3″
Body build: Emaciated but with wide hip bones
Shape of face: rounded heart shape?
Eye color: brown
Glasses or contacts: he needs to wear glasses, but can’t find them.
Skin tone: pale yellowish tan with lots of freckles
Distinguishing marks: freckles, rope burn scars on neck, wrists and ankles, deep scars all over body. he has a tattoo in the middle of his back of an eye
Predominant features: biiiiig nose and shark teeth
Hair color: black with a purple sheen (mostly because of grease)
Type of hair: super curly and fluffy if clean, straight with slight curls when dirty
Hairstyle: usually shoulder length and choppy, but sometimes cuts it shorter or grows it longer.
Voice: i always wanted him to sound like Danny Elfman, but I do his voice acting.
Overall attractiveness: not very. I’d give him a 4 outta 10 maybe? higher if you like weird looking guys
Physical disabilities: ulcers, anemia, jaundice, chipped teeth, scoliosis, a mild muscle twitch and migraines
Usual fashion of dress: over sized sweaters (usually striped), black skinny cut jeans, black converse, knee high socks.
Favorite outfit: blue striped sweater, acid washed grey/black jeans, black low top converse, periwinkle knee high socks.
Jewelry or accessories: he sometimes wears a black necklace with an eye that matches his tattoo design and he wears a small black hoop earring in his right ear.
Personality
Good personality traits: He’s rather smart and clever, he gives pretty good advice, hes very loyal and will go out of his way to do whatever he can for friends.
Bad personality traits: He has anger issues, night terrors, delusions, gets VERY possessive of people he likes, can get violent, has violent alters he can’t control.
Mood character is most often in: if on meds hes usually in a dissociative calm state. off his meds hes quite irritable unless he’s smoking.
Sense of humor: he’ll tell corny jokes or puns sometimes, but has a hard time picking up when others joke with him.
Character’s greatest joy in life: eating pizza while watching a romcom and listening to his favorite music.
Character’s greatest fear: being yelled at
Why? bad childhood
What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? uuuuh? i guess going off his meds didnt go great coupled with a new friend and having a crush on someone.
Character is most at ease when: listening to his headphones and writing
Most ill at ease when: people are yelling at him or he has a lot to do in a day
Enraged when: woken up badly, when he thinks the people around him hate him or are ignoring him
Depressed or sad when: being ignored or nothings on tv
Priorities: just getting through life
Life philosophy: reincarnation might be real and he hopes itll be better next time
If granted one wish, it would be: not being ill and finding love
Why? it causes most of his turmoil and its really hard for him and he just wants to be loved like he never was
Character’s soft spot: people being nice to him, being asked about his hyper fixations (hes usually too shy at first to talk much, but if he trusts you and you get him going he doesnt shut up)
Is this soft spot obvious to others? YES
Greatest strength: he has a lot of surprising physical strength (it wouldnt look like it), he has a pretty strong will too all things considered
Greatest vulnerability or weakness: his own mind, overthinking, moths (the guy)
Biggest regret: he missed his chance with someone he was really close to before he went to the hospital (Leon)
Minor regret: burning his pizza in fall of 1992
Biggest accomplishment: he used to write and actually wrote some small short stories that were published in magazines
Minor accomplishment: not burning his pizza in the winter of 1993
Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: he was removed from school a lot growing up til he was expelled and “homeschooled” (it was just him reading all the curriculum himself).
Why? because its embarrassing to him
Character’s darkest secret: he keeps clothing and (if theyre killed) body parts of people hes infatuated with
Does anyone else know? mya does now
Past
Hometown: LA, California
Type of childhood: very badly neglected and abused
Pets: he had a cat as a child, but they died in an unfortunate accident and it really affected him. his plushie cat was name after her.
First memory: his mom yelling at him
Most important childhood memory: getting his plushie cat
Why: it was his number one comfort item. he still has it but shes really old and worn so he keeps it under his pillow or in his dresser
Childhood hero: he didnt have one
Dream job: when he was little wanted to be a vet, then when he got older he wanted to be an artist, now he wants to be a writer
Education: in and out of elementary, half of middle school and then self homeschooled on his own.
Religion: agnostic
Finances: very very poor
Present
Current location: [REDACTED FOR FUTURE GAMES]
Currently living with: he lived alone til he died
Pets: n/a
Religion: agnostic
Occupation: n/a
Finances: n/a
Family
Mother: Paloma Purpura
Relationship with her: very bad. She was extremely abusive to him in physical and mental ways. Randall was an accident and she blamed him for “ruining her life”. She was a severe alcoholic and would leave him home alone for days at a time sometimes. She had schizophrenia and would take out delusions on him. Moths waited til she was passed out and set the house on fire, using cigarettes to make it appear as an accident.
Father: Byun Ji-hwan
Relationship with him: He died while Paloma was 7 months pregnant with him. He got in a car accident. Paloma loved him a lot and his death made her spiral into a depression, most likely being a big factor in Randall being born premature and with many health problems.
Siblings: he’s an only child.
Spouse: He was in love with his neighbor and only friend, Leon, but he moved away and he never told him how he felt.
He was also briefly involved with his boss, Mort, at the pizzeria. He stalked him and was obsessed with him, but lost touch after he went to the hospital.
He had a crush on his neighbor, Tom, who Moths murdered and kept in his bathtub til mya stopped him.
Other important family members: He has an aunt and uncle on his mothers side who adopted him when his house burned down. They were mentally abusive to him and would have to tie him to his bed when he had night terrors cause he would hurt himself and others otherwise. thats why he has rope burn scars on his wrists and ankles.
Favorites
Color: Red and Blue
Least favorite color: yellow
Music: he listens to a lot of different genres, anything floaty and dreamy or kind of weird. his favorite band is radiohead, he also loves oingo boingo and the talking heads.
Food: pizza. pizza anything, he loves all pizza stuff. he hates burgers though.
Literature: horror novels
Form of entertainment: he likes to watch infomercials on TV
Mode of transportation: he has a purple Ford Escort. he keeps losing the keys so he tends to walk everywhere. does NOT ride the bus if he can help it
Most prized possession: His plushie cat, Shadow.
Habits
Hobbies: watching tv or doodling/writing
Plays a musical instrument? he cant play any instrument, but he likes to sing
Plays a sport? no one would play sports with him as a kid and he doesnt have the stamina, but he enjoys watching winter sports.
How he/she would spend a rainy day: He’d open the window so he can listen to the rain and just relax or write
Spending habits: he barely has enough money to get by as it is, but he likes to buy gas station pizza or candy when he can. sometimes he’ll treat himself if hes really depressed and by some silly little toy or something
Smokes: started smoking at 14, chain smoked until he worked and was irritable alot because the breaks werent enough and then he quit after staying in the hospital. Moths still smokes and Randall will have one if he gets really stressed.
Drinks: Used to drink when he was 16, doesnt like how it makes him feel. Triggers memories of his mom.
Other drugs: experimented with lots of drugs as a teen. tried pills, speed and weed. Stopped doing drugs after 2 years., never did them to excess, just to deal with PSTD.
What does he/she do too much of? drinks a lot of soda and caffeinated beverages.
What does he/she do too little of? eating anything. he tends to forget or is just not up for it.
Extremely skilled at: is actually a really good shot with a gun, surprisingly even without his glasses. hes also really good at rhythm type things
Extremely unskilled at: anything involving other people
Nervous tics: chews on his shirt, picks at his nails or bites his nails, covers his face with his sleeves
Usual body posture: slouches, puts his hands up to his chest with his sleeves covering them. tends to walk fast when in public to get home as fast as possible. (virgin walk)
Mannerisms: shy, twitchy, sweaty, has a stutter when nervous. tends not to be able to make eye contact and looks down or away mostly
Traits
Optimist or pessimist? very pessimistic
Introvert or extrovert? EXTREME introvert
Daredevil or cautious?  cautious (moths is a daredevil with no impulse control)
Logical or emotional? tries to be logical usually, but ends up becoming emotional
Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? it really depends on what. his self care is messy, but his living space is usually kept pretty clean and minimalist, except for maybe some food wrappers but he picks them up weekly.
Prefers working or relaxing? likes relaxing, but working gets his mind off things.
Confident or unsure of himself/herself? very very unsure of himself
Animal lover? yes, loves all animal esp bugs, rabbits and rats or any creature hated by most people (he relates)
Self-perception
How he/she feels about himself/herself: hes very self loathing and takes what happened to him personally, feeling like he did something to deserve. that carried on to adulthood and now when something bad happens on accident he thinks he must have done something to deserve it. he finds himself very unattractive and has a hard time looking in the mirror. hates everything about himself.
One word the character would use to describe self:  bad
What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? he doesnt think he has any
What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? shyness
What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? eyes
What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? scars
How does the character think others perceive him/her: he thinks people see him as a gross person, someone you wouldnt want to go near. and smelly.
What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: everything
Relationships with others
Opinion of other people in general: scary and would rather be alone, but wants love and friends
Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? absolutely
Person character most hates: his mother, his aunt and uncle and tom
Best friend(s): mya and leon
Love interest(s): leon and sort of tom (it wasnt really reciprocated so hes dead)
Person character goes to for advice: mya
Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: himself
Person character feels shy or awkward around: everyone
Person character openly admires: mya (he likes how outgoing and nice she is)
Person character secretly admires:  mya
Most important person in character’s life before story starts: leon
After story starts: mya
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Text
8.11.19
So I’ve never really utilized anything other than a diary to jot down my daily feels, but something tells me I might find some comfort knowing that nobody can sneak into my room and read my journal. Tumblr seems like a good enough void to dump these thoughts into. Maybe it’s my psyche craving a positive outlet.. Id rather this be private, but sometimes connections supposed to help, right?  If topics of abuse, death, suicide, or depression trigger you, please do not continue reading. So I guess, let’s start from the top.
I’m 2X years old, & I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing with my life right now. I’m a gamer, & employed, But it’s not like I”m pursuing some great dream. I’m kind of coasting through life, trading experiences for fragments of myself. But I’m honestly rather content, at the moment. I make decent enough money. I can afford to shelter myself, feed myself, & entertain myself. So to some people, yeah it might look like i’ve had it pretty easy. In some ways, I have; in others, not really. 
It was just me & my mom growing up. Dad wasn’t around, & i don’t really want to get into that right now. My mom did everything she could for me. And I, of course being a growing hormonal boy, never truly appreciated it until I got into the real world. Thanks mom. She low-key prepared me for almost anything. I graduated high school, no special titles or accolades, but I could hear her screaming well above the entire stadium of parents when they called my name. I hope I can make her that proud again someday. I haven’t seen her in almost 4 years. Life can be a bitch like that once you’re an actual adult.
Since graduating high school, I’ve fathered a child, a little girl, who continues to blow my mind every day, with her brains & beauty. Damn, my ugly mug made one amazing little girl. Everything I do, I do for her. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. The mother & I are still on fantastic terms, but we separated a couple years after the birth. It just didn’t work as a healthy relationship anymore, & our daughter deserved better than that. 
After we parted ways, I got myself tangled up with a girl that, in hindsight, I should have never said hello to. Now don’t get me wrong, the first 2 years were truly magical. She was young, beautiful, petite body, alternative with piercings & tattoos. Which was basically me, young, rather handsome, fit body, alternative with piercings and tattoos. A match, it would seem, made in heaven. She made me feel alive again. She reinvigorated me to my soul, showed me new experiences I never could have imagined, or dared to do otherwise. I felt happy. Which for me, is a rather fleeting bird, one that’s typically driven away by the raven. It was just like a fairy-tale. We all know those aren’t real. I should have seen the warning signs. The “red flags” that everyone says I ignored. But red flags look like regular flags when looking through rose-tinted glass. If you’ve stumbled upon this by chance, & are triggered by abuse, or suicide, I suggest you stop reading now. 
It started out with little things. Roast-like insults, but sometimes they hurt a little more than they should. Which, obviously, led my mind to tell me “stop being so sensitive.” I’d let it slide. As we approached the 2 year mark, it started getting nastier. Her patience with me was very thin. The smallest error, like I forgot to pick up soda on the way home from my 10 hour shift once, led to me being belittled with insults to my intelligence & even attacks on my dedication to her. It only got worse as time went on. I silently cried myself to sleep most nights. My self-esteem was in an entirely different dimension by this point. I’ve become completely submissive to her. I looked at myself in the mirror one night, after doing things that I regret doing, and being disgusted in myself for letting it get so bad. For never stepping back up & standing my ground. I got us through homelessness. I had helped her get help because she had a severe mental illness that I will not put here. Her every wish, within my power, was my command. Why should I tolerate being treated like something stuck to the bottom of her shoe when kindness didn’t suit her?  So I did. That was the first time she hit me. Just once, open palmed to my left temple.
It didn’t stop. It got worse. I will not go into details, because almost 3 years later, I still panic when I try to think about those months. Most of my friends & family do not know how bad it got. And those that do, do not even know who she even was. It collapsed faster when I started to dissociate after multiple (thankfully) failed suicide attempts. I started cheating, trying to get her to leave me, since she wouldn’t allow me to leave her without threatening to kill herself. “You’re my soulmate, I won’t live without you.” She kept me in that state of submissive fear for another year, using the same lines. Using the same deflection tactics to make me question myself. All while calling me her “soul mate”. I hate that fucking word now. 
But I did finally get the courage to leave. In the middle of the night, a train ride back to my hometown. She tried to work back into my life a few times over the next 2 years. I eventually stopped talking to her, because she would always try to convince me to come back to her, that it can be different, that she’s willing to start over. So I stopped talking to her last year. And now, I can’t anymore, because last month, she killed herself. I honestly never stopped loving her. I can feel the hole where her energy used to be, the bits she contributed to my soul, snuffed out.. I blame myself for her suicide. And I hate that I fell in love with such a beautiful, toxic soul.
We can skip over the few fling relationships I held while in my hometown, except for one girl, who I will forever thank for showing me what a true loving, healthy relationship, based on trust and open communication can actually be like. We got into it knowing we were on a time limit, because I was already in the process of saving up to move again, this time, 3,000 miles away. But we had good chemistry, and I think the relationship was the perfect amount of time for both of us. She’s a LoZ girl. Major fan. As in, owns every game, tons of merch, follows tons of streamers on Twitch who play Legend of Zelda, especially if it’s Ocarina of Time. Coastal gamer girl is probably the best description of her. She’s still one of my best friends, & I talk to her on occasion. She’s super happy, and living a rather adventurous life. I’m super happy for her. 
Our fateful day came, and I had to move away. She comforted me during the entire packing process. Which literally filled 2 boxes I shipped to my new address, my military backpack, & a laptop case. It still resulted in 8 hours of back to back anxiety attacks. I only knew TWO people in the town where I was moving to. One of them, I had never physically met before in our entire 14 year friendship. So, rightfully, I was terrified to leave. I’d reconnected with old friends in my hometown. I’d met an amazing girl in my hometown. I’d landed a really fantastic job in the medical field in my hometown. What was I thinking?! Leave all of THIS?!
But I knew why. She knew why. Everyone in my life knew why. The answer was simple. Yeah, I had a good job, a good girl, & a relatively good life. But I wasn’t truly happy. In my soul. Just as I was in the states I’ve lived before. And that was okay. We had the perfect amount of happiness.
So here I am, in an undisclosed new location, three-thousand miles away from my hometown. And honestly, I’m happier here than I’ve ever been anywhere else. Do I see myself dying here? No, not really. But I could kick it here for a decade or so, if the fates allow my life that long? Sure. The best friend I’d never met before, is just as amazing in person. We play video games together now & then, and go out to the downtown bar scene sometimes for karaoke. There’s 3 roommates total. I enjoy being their roommate. Also, there’s 4 cats. who I absolutely love, and will contemplate posting their pictures here too, for memories sake.
I’ve made some really amazing friends, especially one girl in particular. She’s been very good to me, in many ways. Dinners, events, concerts, party weekend for my last birthday to pass. All while both of us just have a blast around each other. She’s helped me alot these last few months, everything from food to rent, while I struggled to find work, & get on my own two feet. I struggled for 5 months before I landed myself where I am now. So to celebrate, she & I went and got tattoos today.
I got a tattoo of the chemical structure of serotonin on my wrist. To remind myself to be happy, because I’ve already spent so much time being sad. And that I’m going to keep making myself happier, by staying true to myself, learning & growing from the events I’ve been through in my life, both good and bad. Creative, & destructive. Because it’s all molded me into who I am now.
So really without getting into childhood stories, high school shenanigans, & college hijinx, that’s the story of Z. A recent handle I’ve taken to lately, in case someone does decide to read this. I’d like to add to this little... off-site journal once a week, maybe more often.
That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m sufficiently stoned now, & would like to return to playing Apex Legends.
Signing off, 
Z
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sleepyplushie · 5 years
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Posted on Reblog Page, but its important and i felt like i should share it here.
im trans/agender masculine? (he/they, AFAB) and queer.
i have severe dysphoria. most days, i cant even get out of bed, let alone take a damn shower... it makes me what to vomit, looking at my current body state.
i am also Autistic and have PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociative Amnesia, and ADHD. I am 20 years old.
I plan on getting top surgery, hormone replacement therapy, and a hysterectomy in the near future. ASAP.
My mother was/is highly abusive towards me, mostly verbally/emotionally/&mentally. (my 18 yr old brother, my stepdad, and recently my 7yr old sister have been the same though less frequently.)
i hated my body early on and learned to just.. roll with what mom wanted to avoid getting hit or screamed at...
i despised the dresses, the makeup. i hated my deadname, my assigned pronouns. it wasnt me. my name felt.. disgusting in her mouth to my ears. and i even resorted to telling her a fake chosen name to call me, which she RARELY does... because she turned my first chosen name, and favorite one, into something that leaves a bile taste in my mouth.
she made fun of my boyishness and tried to make me more “girly”. and now, she laughs at me and ssays im not a real man because i like nail polish, pastel colors, sundresses, and cute things... i AM a man! she makes me feel like shit because im feminine and constantly points out my “blood moons” and my chest and my curves...
she makes me hate myself so damn much! my girlfriend (who is transMtF, btw. so my mom doesnt like her much either...she lets my stepdad call her a Sis$y, Tr@p, and such...) wants me to not completely hate my body, but helps me when i feel like garbage because of mom.
i cant say i hate my mother... its almost like she keeps me under a spell that makes me feel more sorry for her then hatred for her. i wish i could hate her sometimes. but i just hope that me, disappearing from her life and starting my new one as the man i know i am!!!!! will make her see. if not, she’ll never see me again. ill come back one day to visit her, once ive completely transitioned, but until i can disappear... im stuck here. in this hecc hole...
and i hate the situation. i hate that parents are like this. i hate that my mom, the woman i wanted so desprately to love me as a child, made me hate my body so much, made me suffer daily from panic attacks and depression. gave me dissociative amnesia and wont admit it, wont help me remember the years i Cant remember. (most of my childhood is just... blank... no memories... i cant remember middle school. or when she first married my stepdad, or when i was really little.)
i am so sorry for this rant. theres alot more shes done and said. alot of it i dont remember completely... sometimes, something will trigger a memory but its heartbreaking and painful to relive and remember the struggle of simply living. it hurts knowing that, despite all this. i do remember before she divorced my dad. when we were somewhat happy. when she still forced me into dresses and scolded me for playing rough and dirty. despite everything, she did not shape who i am. i am bigger then my abuse. i remember clearly, knowing i was a boy even back then. i am so much stronger then what she put me through. and even though no child should have to go through what i did and so many others do, it made me stronger.
i am not a victim. she did not aid me in discovering myself. she will never hold that. that, beautiful awakening of who i am, the man i really am, femininity and all. is my own doing. her hindering of that was merely a setback. she will never hold over me that she made me a victim, that she broke me or scarred me. she will never change who i am, try as she might, i am STRONG in who i am!
i will always be a man, no matter what anyone says. my feminine side doesnt define me. i can wear a pretty yellow sundress and still be a man. i can feel like neither gender one day and still wear nail polish and bows in my hair. i can do whatever i feel comfortable. i am a man. i go by he/they pronouns. and NOTHING will ever change that. ive had 6+ years to think about this.
stay strong and brave, my brothers and sisters, and nonbinary tricksters. dont let your abuser make you a victim. dont give them the RIGHT to make you feel like shit. youll get out soon, youll be free, youll be happy. they can NEVER have your self discovery, nomatter how hard they try to break you down and tear you up. dont give in, dont give them the satisfaction. they dont deserve it.
stay yourselves. stay beautiful.
Yours,
Bambi~
P.S. i will post more eventually telling more of my story... i’ll record here anything i remember as well from my past.
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returnedmemories · 5 years
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Somehow this post turned into my life story
This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.
Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?
They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.
Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.
I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.
By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.
I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.
I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.
But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.
Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.
I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"
Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.
I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.
I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!
When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.
The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.
I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)
I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.
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i-have-lived · 3 years
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I just need to talk into a void right now. Badly.
For the past two months, I've been questioning if I have some kind of dissociative disorder. I've experienced dissociation alot in my lifetime, but it's gotten alot worse. I've always had this.. interest in multiplicity, and have encountered it a few times in my personal life, and outside of a few passing thoughts, I never would have assumed I had anything like it...
But then, recently, when I started to seriously question it, some. Alters, headmates, parts, whatever you want to call them, started to introduce themselves to me (after I had put in quite a good deal of effort to make contact... Asking if anyone else was there, because I was beginning to think there was...)
Since then I've experienced worsening dissociation, and can barely stand my own reflection most days. I think I've experienced "switching", ranging from pretty intense and prolonged (headaching, stress, watching my body do things without my input, or saying things out loud that I don't mean to say...) To barely noticeable (just having the sudden feeling that I'm not who i was just awhile ago, or suddenly realizing I'm acting strangely. Like a shift in my facial expression that I can't change, wanting to wear clothes i would NEVER normally want to, getting up and doing things and not knowing why im doing them, etc.)
Things were very difficult at first, and i had alot of breakdowns wondering whats happening to me, and why. If I have bpd (Never been diagnosed with that, but a psychiatrist told me when i was about 13-14ish that I had "bpd like symptoms" but didn't go any farther than that due to my age. Haven't had any follow-up with that since.) and just internalized the symptoms of those around me, if I'm having some kind of delusion, or if I have some form of osdd (my therapist and i both agree its unlikely to be DID, because I haven't experienced any significant amnesia barriers).
Most of my "alters" and I are alot different, and its really hard to have conversation, or to try to visualize them in my head to try to talk. And at one point, I had woken up and started to panic because i didn't know where I was, why i was there, or where my "kids" were. Mind you, I'm in a same-sex LDR, and neither of us have had or plan to have kids. I panicked, alot, and of course I say "I" but... I know that that wasn't me. Not really, at least.
Other alters, like Fenrir (who was the first to introduce himself to me, and has become somewhat of a father figure to me) have been very nice, and tries his best to keep me from self harming, and I've noticed comes out alot when I'm having a break down/panic attack. I've had the most communication with him, although everything still feels distant and blurry, as if I don't really know him fully yet.
This issue has been continuing throughout these past two months, and I'm lucky I've had a good friend of mine to talk to about it, that my "alters" can talk to freely (which has helped me learn about them alot.) And who support me unconditionally throughout this whole thing. I've been hiding it from everyone else in my life though, as I'm not sure what to label it as, or if I'm just... Somehow subconsciously faking these symptoms for some reason I don't understand yet.
Admittedly (and this is something I'm extremely ashamed of, and have talked to my therapist about, and will NEVER repeat if i can help it) i have faked illness before. I was very young and in a terrible headspace, and very depressed and suicidal at the time. I had claimed to be experiencing hallucinations, but I knew the whole time that i was lying, and that my young, vulnerable brain was just trying to find some way to get the people around me to care, and to do something to help me, even if it meant i had to make something up. I mention this because I don't feel like this is something thats happening now, with what im experiencing with dissociation and my problems with identity... If i am faking it, I'm not concious of it. At all. A part of me is terrified that I'm wrong, and that this will all pass by me with time, that I'm just jumping to conclusions or faking it again even though I'm not actively trying to like i was before.
Things had been settling with me, though, and i was getting better at accepting what I've been experiencing with my "alters" and dissociating in general. But yesterday I went to my therapist, and ended up finally coming clean and talking to her for about an hour about these experiences, albeit in less detail since I was under extreme stress and was terrified throughout the entire conversation. Terrified that I'd be told I'm crazy, but also terrified of being told I'm not.
She's going to look into finding me a psychiatrist to talk to about this, probably to get a second opinion/diagnosis. She said she didn't think I have did, but that she doesn't think I'm delusional either, and i just.. got so many mixed signals. I don't know what to expect out of this, and i can't self-dx (obviously.) but it feels so terrifying and stressful and fucking awful to just have to sit and wait and do nothing, and not know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what to do or think of any of this. If it turns out that i do have osdd, or something, then at least I'll have some closure, but i have no idea how to deal with that going forward. What that would mean for my life, and the lives of everyone around me.
If i dont, then... What do i do with the knowledge of these people in my head? Just... Try to forget? Make them go away? I've been trying hard to do that and to deny their existence, but it feels ridiculous to do that, and it makes me feel.. really guilty.
I just... Theres just so much happening. And its all scary, and all overwhelming, and I wish I had waited longer to say anything to my therapist about it, until i felt more sure or, or what, I don't know. I don't think i was as ready to talk about it as I thought I was.
If you've made it this far, thanks for, uh, hearing me out. I guess. If anyone can give me advice or comfort or just, any input on this, if you relate or what, I'd really like to hear from you.
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jujuismental · 4 years
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this ones for suicide.
ive always wrestled with the idea of killing myself but i hate blood and gory things so ive never cut myself deeply, just atop my skin iv made some scratches to my wrists, again only because i hate blood. instead, i have debated jumping infront of things so many times, and drowning my head under water only to lift my head out gasping for air. sometimes that brief moment just before “killing yourself” takes your pain away.
Back in the day, a couple years ago, it took alot of courage for me to stop actively thinking about suicide. i had a wallpaper on my phone to remind me, and i cried alot during senior year of high school in washrooms and at home. Yes i had friends, no one really knew. it was mostly about my sexuality and not fitting in the universe. i felt like an alien with no hope. no courage to fix to my problems. i thought at the time they had no solution. that was wrong, but i was so weak and living in fear that I thought suicide was the only way out. It’s more like a surrender, a giving up.
Two things that saved my life in the past
1. This quote. trust me its not cliche
Suicide is a permanent decision (*not solution) to a temporary situation. I always tell myself to keep waiting, that someday I will be glad I did. And it’s true. Time and time again I prove this quote to be true. When I am happy once again I tell myself “ See? Its worth it. I am glad I didnt kill myself that day.” And the next time I felt that way I knew better days were coming. I just needed to refer to the good days during the bad days and the bad days during the good days.
2. My dad passing away
When my dad died, i felt undescribable pain firsthand of what it was like to lose someone, and I saw my mom crumble, crying for years. It was on that day I promised myself to never do something like that to her again. It’s shattering. I hang on for her sometimes. I realize what death can do to others. I saw how affected people around me were.
3. Meeting my soulmate and falling in love
Meeting her helped me know that there was someone who was exactly like me. I had thought this was impossible. That I was a fucking alien. She loved me for myself and gave me courage to change my life for the better. She really saved me. She made me feel stable for the first time in forever. I was never suicidal anymore, I saw the light of day. I started imagining a future for myself and her, something I never thought would ever come true. She carried me through.
While I am not actively thinking of suicide everyday anymore, nowadays it only comes seriously to me a few times a year. i am very happy on some days. this is what baffles me. i am either so happy i can breathe in the sunny air or i am in so much pain and dissociated from my life. suddenly i dont want to live anymore and its not all worth it, i have no future to look forward to and i have no hope. navigating these highs and lows is pretty hard for me... it’s like you think youre getting better and then it comes back, and it hits you hard and harder but you somehow make it out again alive and it repeats, the more it repeats, ironically the easier it becomes because you know it will go away on its own. you just need to hang on for the ride.
When i get into one of these lows. it can last weeks, and oh dear is it terrible. i have to listen to podcasts, anti suicide talks, read self help books, cry and cry and finally I see the light again. and I am really glad once I do. Because life can be beautiful sometimes.
You. Ya you reading this.
If youre going to kill yourself, if youre going that far, why not do something crazier instead. You’ve got nothing to lose. Make a crazy decision in your life and change something that is causing you pain. The truth is sometimes we can do a little more than we think, but we live in fear. Before you kill yourself, why not live a little? Do something extreme. *I made some of my craziest decisions when I was angry and depressed because at that point nothing else mattered and I had no fear. When you hit rock bottom use that to your advantage to make some crazy life changing decisions that you couldn’t make on a normal day because you were afraid.
And if you can’t do anything at all, wait for something. Sleep on it. Wait. “Isnt it amazing how the most beautiful days of our lives haven’t happened yet.” If I killed myself in high school I would have never experienced 5 million incredible things I thought I would never even accomplish. Falling inlove. Traveling to Italy!!! If I tell my younger self hiding in a dark room crying that I will be able to live these things she wouldn’t believe me, but it’s true, I did. I found the way out. And sometimes all you can do is wait, and have hope. Hope is incredible, if you can find it. Never lose it. I hope this post gives you a tiny bit of hope.
Everytime you have a good day, reference this day during your bad days. You know this dark period will end eventually and you will bounce back. Ride the wave. It’s literally a wave. Ride it as best as you can.
Remember that what you are feeling is normal, no need to identify yourself with some permanent disorder. Youre human, built from your circumstances and experiences, and sometimes those things can make you sad, and thats okay. You’re not gross and mentally ill, you’re simply human. Don’t pity yourself (in my opinion). You are literally a product of your environment and experiences, not a mental illness.
Recently, when I found myself going down that rabbithole of diagnosing myself and discovering that I had these 2 or 3 mental illnesses I felt even worse. I felt like “it” had a hold on me. Like I was being ruled by a mental illness. And I started acting more and more like that illness. And blaming that illness for my actions. I was like a puppet to that mental illness. So I turned around and instead, I told myself that I’m just a human and some bad things have happened to me and thats why I am the way I am, and there’s no further explanation. Terrible experiences create mental illnesses. Mental illnesses don’t create terrible experiences. Don’t let anything define you. It’s not permanent, it’s just a reaction. I am not saying mental illnesses don’t exist, I just found that thinking of it in a different way or framing it like this helps more than belonging to a mental illness.
If you are really in pain and you feel like self harm right now, my go to is a really hot bath and dipping my head underwater until I cant breathe. It creates the illusion that you are going to kill yourself and the feeling of hot water on your skin kinda numbs your emotions. No blood. (Can you tell yet that I hate blood) Then I take a nap because my eyes are like rocks from crying. Right now in this very moment, it’s important to think about what I said before. You don’t know what you don’t know. “Life must be lived forwards but can only be understood backwards.” You need to hang on, my friend. You will be glad that you did. A future you is cheering you on. You can fight it off, you’ve done it before. I look back on those days and I am very glad I kept going.
Remember we don’t want to actually kill ourselves, we just want to end the pain. Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It ends your life. Black abyss. Emptiness. Nothing. Everything that you are. Everything that you still can be.
And after you’re dead, in those next moments, someone will scream discovering the body you left behind, and your depression will be spread to someone else like your mom, dad, or a friend. Imagine you had to watch that. You’re a good person, you don’t want to hurt others, even if others hurt you.
I know deep down, you want to live, but you want things to be better in your life. You don’t want to live another day like this. You want it all to be different. And it’s not easy. I know trust me. I dont have the solutions to some of my problems (YET), the same problems that make me feel suicidal today. And I might not be able to fix them for a long time, but I know that I have fixed some of my other problems in the past, things I never thought I could get past. For example (so you don’t think i’m bluffing), coming out to my muslim family. I was living in fear my whole life, i never thought i would do that in a million years but i did.. I always had this idea that i’d kill myself and leave a i’m gay note behind. Almost did. But I am glad I didn’t, look at me now, I’ve come so far. Who knew. I didn’t. And neither do you. Why don’t we live another day and find out? You and i, together.
“ I didnt come this far to only come this far.”
I am not speaking to you as a therapist or doctor, I am someone just like you. Believe me.
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Total meltdown & drained
-crawls in and slips over to a couch. She climbs into it and pulls a throw blanket over herself while yawning- I’m still tired. Why? Last night, I wanted some Mexican food since it has been a long time since eating there. So we went there. Idiot had given me 6 drops of cbd in the car before we left the house. I fell back to sleep and slept during the most of the car ride.
So when we parked, could tell from the windows that there’s a lot of people but we went in. I always have my anti-anxiety meds on hand and my phone with ear buds. We were given a booth to set at and not far like few tables in towards the center was a long table with bunch of teenagers. They were loud like very loudly.
I had ended up slipping into close being a nonverbal, idiot made a sign to me that I take my med which I did. He also made a minor sign, (he really doesn’t know the actual ASL, he only knows: torlite, food, time, pretty/beautiful. I can read those too along with: ugly, book, deaf, hard of hearing, funny, forgot. He refuse to learn more) but yea he signed to me to get music on and put my ear buds on to drown out the noise. We ordered our meals then when it came, those teens got worse. They were so loud and shouting and yelling... Just going crazy. Idiot was rubbing his head cause he was getting a headache from them. Me? I was on the verge of a severe meltdown. Had my music on the maximum volume and yet those teen's voices got through it. I covered my ears with both of my hands, my left leg was bouncing quickly as I was stimming to calm down. A few yells later I ended up trying to curled inward in myself and I ended up crying badly. I was rocking back and forth too. I had bit my hand few times over in the beginning... But yea it was bad. I felt sick, food tasted weird and awkward when it usually taste good. -she looks down sadly as she slip off the couch- it was so painful, couple of shouting later, I was beyond ready to bolt out of the restaurant and scream and cry once I get outside. That's how bad it was. I couldn't eat my meal while those teens were there. -she sighs weakly- near 10:30 is when finally they started to leave and then they were gone. Idiot had a bad headache but manage to keep eating through it. Me? I barely ate my meal before I covered my ears and struggling not to scream bloody murder and hit myself cause of the loud noise. -she sighs once more before pacing around- after they were completely gone, I barely started to eat and gain movement faster in eating. Food started to taste better again. Idiot txted me that they were gone, that he has a headache. I replied back in txt that if next time they shouted, that I was going to bolt out of the place to outside.... He mentioned and showed me on his phone a new pair of ear buds, these are actually noise cancelation type! Amazing and it's 50 bucks to buy. I be ordering them this coming weekend for sure. I txted him that I'm way overly stressed out like beyond my limits along with saying that's bad for an autistic person like me. I was so overwhelmed, was halfway of going into a severe meltdown... But yea we didn't leave ultimate a couple of minutes after they closed. He asked if food was good, I told him that it was okay. That it didn't rltaste right but it okay. He gave me an odd look but went to start the car. We went over to Walmart and I nearly had few outbursts from the stress I was still in.
It was a mess... I couldn't focus on anything at all, I also felt like I was dissociating while shopping. Same thing over in Hyvee and then on the way back home, we took the Interstate way, I ended up napping on the way back. I was like I said overly severely stressed thus completely drained and I had a seizure too. So I had ZERO Spoons anymore.
Got back to the house, I barely made it back inside the house. I tried to help with putting the food away but I was so off balance and out of it. I was told to go to bed. So I did, I nearly fell on the stairs I was helped up and into the bdrm. Idiot cleared a spot for me and got me on the bed. Told me to go to sleep.
That's all I remember and now I'm up. Was told that I had slept like 6 hours straight.... Keh it fugues too. I was in a place where it can make an autistic person to break down into a meltdown. It was weird... Idiot said that it was some teen's bday that's why. So all in all, my day out was completely ruined that's to those noisy teens at the Mexican Restaurant.
Now, I'm going to try have dinner then either draw or game on WoW again. -she starts pacing and looks down- during the entire thing, idiot didn't try to comfort me at all. He focused on himself and nearly ignored me the entire time I was having few moments before going into a full-blown meltdown across the table from him.
Then at Walmart he tried to kiss me and tried to give me pressure hugs but I refuse most of them, I was just upset at him for not really caring about me. Then he had the gull to say that "I loves you!" that's just total bullshit and fuckin stuff and completely wrong thing to stay. Then minutes later I went into a seizure... I had trouble walking afterwards. Didn't shop much though. He looked up stress and seizures and show me a link that says that some stresses can cause a seizure to go off. Nice... Meaning I need to be in a stress-free environment, living place, and with someone who doesn't stress me out all the time. Idiot is non of those even though he thinks he is. He can think that all he wants cause I won't be around him next summer.
Anyways... That's what had happened to me that night.
....... Oh before I forget, once we got back to the house, my clothes started to choke me. I had trouble breathing and feeling so restricted in them so once I got on bed I just threw most of them off and felt a lot better. Then I buried under my stash of blankets and fell asleep. Me and clothes do the mix well when something severely happens to me. So yea. I'm sure there are others who can't handle the tightness of the clothes when stressed out/overwhelmed so to feel better, they strip off to nothing or bare minimum. -she looks down- I never understood why I strip off my clothes alot as a kid before bedtime or sometimes naps too. But now I do, it's part of who I am, an autistic person. I see and feel the world completely different from what all the NueroTypicals see and feel. I am still learning about myself as an adult autistic... Even though my mind is stuck as a 16 year old teen stage.
- Time Lord Kiara
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Text
It’s OK to quit your job
Maybe it was when I sat at my desk that I realized it, or in line at Pret and feeling the urge burning in my throat, clouding my mind, numbing my hands. 
“everyone cries -- I’m just an easy crier.” I wasn’t ashamed of crying, crying is in my blood, it’s the first way I usually come to express my (almost always) overwhelming emotions. So when I casually strolled into the bathroom at Pret, which I knew would soon become my safehaven, I immediately burst into tears as a way of relieving all the emotions building up. I wasn’t necessarily overwhelmingly sad, but I knew I could afford a little meltdown before I had to head back into my first day of work, and why not? It would give me relief and then I could pick myself back up and continue on my way. I think it’s funny how whenever I cry, I always look at myself in the mirror during the midst of my breakdown. I’m always surprised by how I look even though I’ve literally seen myself cry a million times. Just like, wow, your really deep in some emotions right now, huh. I was going to type, “this bitch really is ugly af when she cries” but I’m working on reducing my use of self-depricating humor. 
So going back to my breakdown, I’m in the mirror, crying, realizing my foundation is being wiped away with my tears, fuck I didn’t pack my foundation so I’ll just blot my face when I get back to the office and hope there aren’t obvious tear tracks on my face. I don’t exactly remember if I felt relief, maybe just relief that I had a moment to not pretend I was ok, but the sadness was still there. I had had a stressful morning, me and my dad had missed our train, fast-walked to my building, I was exhausted from not sleeping (stress and anxiety, ofc), I had barely ate (because not eating when I’m stressed is a great habit, ofc) and now I couldn’t stop the thoughts coming into my head.
The thoughts. Like I miss being at college, I miss my friends, I can’t believe I’m an adult now. The thing about having OCD is my mind tends to go to extremes, tends to believe in the worst case scenario, tends to make me, or at least try, the most miserable I can be. Thankfully it’s all kind of muted and hazy thanks to my antidepressant, my dear dear antidepressant Viibryd. And reading this now I am remembering I never took it today. 
OK back from that. So, yea, I missed being at college, I was exhausted, I could not believe that I would have to repeat this whole day again tomorrow. That drived me nuts too. I hate waking up early with a passion. Again, stems from staying up late because anxiety then it becomes a habit then it starts to interfere with my life, as do all self-destructive habits that come along with mental illnesses. And on top of that, starting a new job is just stressful in its itself! So I had all of these seemingly nice people welcoming me, I had a promising job, but I was miserable. I was silently crying at my desk, I was barely able to concentrate on my job, but I figured it’s pass, that I needed to give myself time to adjust and that I could push through it like I had everything else. 
And thennnnn the next day came. Let me preface this by interjecting that when I say I have an “anxiety disorder” (because OCD is usually met with a face that I can tell is thinking “well I have no idea what that it is but it sounds unpleasant”), they (anyone I tell), is usually thinking that I am anxious over the standard things. Like, oh, I’m anxious people won’t like me, or I’ll have a lot of work, which yea, I was. But also, OCD gives me alot of other stuff to worry about. So just going through about my usual day, I can list off the top of my head what I’d be worried about. Like, I get out of the car and say bye to my mom, and I think “What if this is the last time I see her,” which is not a fun thing to think. And then I wait for the train and I think “what if I passed out right now and then I fell on the tracks, or I tried to get on the train and I fall through the gap” or then I get on the train and think “what if the train gets stuck AND THEN i pass out on the train or I have an anxiety attack” AND THEN i get to penn and I think “what if i passed out in front of all these people or get an anxiety attack” AND THEN i walk to work and that’s when the vertigo starts, or the dissociation, or the clammy hands or dry mouth or all of the above and I’m thinking “all you have to do is walk in a straight line, just walk to work” and I can feel the fuzziness in my hands, I can feel it all over my fucking skin and I feel like it’s someone else looking through my eyes and I just can’t grasp if it’s me looking out or if it’s me thinking about thinking and if I’m really there and am I losing my mind or am I imagining my vision going slightly shifty, slightly hazy to make me nervous but not to put me in any danger, just uncomfortable enough to put some sweat on the back on my neck and twitch my hands in my pocket, picking at the same piece of skin next to my thumbnail over and over until it’s bleeding and I have to suffocate it. I have to suffocate the thoughts and I have to get to work on time but I’m so stressed I’m so. fucking. stressed.
And then I get to work. And it doesn’t stop. And mind you, this is my second day! And of course, the second day I cried again, silently weeping at my desk. Of course this job involved the two things I hated, public speaking and flying. it was almost laughable. I actually did laugh, me and my therapist later on. My whole job was giving presentations to clients (middle-aged, stoic faced, insurance or investment clients), and FLYING to different states to give these presentations. Maybe by myself, maybe with a coworker. And I knew 100% I couldn’t do that. So why would I stay? Quitting right before I was supposed to give a huge presentation was obviously not a good idea. But to even think about the work I was doing right now, at that moment, at my desk bored as fuck and feeling so inferior to everyone around me working on computer science and business, which is probably not an accurate but yes how I did feel thought, and then to be stressed, to just want to catch my breath. I knew I had to quit. I knew I was pushing myself too hard. My mom knew it, we had looked at each other before I had gotten out of the car and I had known that fuck, this was going to be hard wasn’t it. So on top of all this stress was my good old friend vertigo popping back into my life, and I’m sitting at my bosses desk and were listening in on a meeting and I feel the floor shift. I had felt it before too when I had gone to the bathroom and that sometimes happens when I sit for too long (and meanwhile as I’m peeing my coworker is brushing her teeth because she had forgot to this morning, if anyone wants an idea of what adult life really is like), and anyways, I’m at her desk and I feel the floor shift. Up, down, tilting side to side like I’m on a boat and I start to feel a little uneasy. And I cannot wait for this fucking meeting to be over. For this client to just shut up already the software is fine, do you really need to understand that part Kathy can I please just leave already, so I’m essentially just staring at the desk at this point and then my boss asks me if I have any questions and I :) of course do not have any, I’m great, awesome, thanks! And I get back to my desk and S.S. Anxiety is fast away on its course, taking me up and down and downnnnn and up and I am freaking the fuck out, naturally. This happened to me before, so it’s not a new feeling, it’s probably my birth control (which is another long story) so I of course then begin to realize -- how am I walking back to Penn. And that fills me with dread. A lot of dread. And after about 20 minutes of deliberation I meekly walk into the girl’s office next to mine, HR, because I guess that’s where you ask to leave early? Who knows. And i ask her if i can leave early and I can feel the tears wanting to surface, I’m embarassed and she tells me I have to ask my boss and I do noooot want to do that. So I sit back at my desk and I’m trying to do some deep breaths, trying to calm down and it eventually it passes! Thank god it passes. And thank god it finally becomes 6 and I start walk to back to penn and I get in the first cab i see because i have had a long day and I deserve this thank you very much. And the cab driver is super nice, telling me how to get to penn because he can tell i have no idea where I’m going, poor girl. And i get to penn and I get on a 6:20 train and i close my eyes and almost miss my stop. But it’s ok because I’m finally home. 
Fast forward the next 2 days, I’m home sick with vertigo, I go to a primary doctor and then an ENT and get prescribed medication that helps. I think my boss is mad at me but I’ve got other fish to fry. I go in monday, I try my hardest, and it’s too much. And that’s what I want to get at. Life is not linear. Just because your “supposed” to do something doesn’t mean you have to. I took a year off of college, even though I wasn’t “supposed” to, and I will never regret it, I am so fucking thankful and grateful I did. And when I sent my resignation letter in later that day, I knew I would be grateful I did.
It’s OK to not follow the line people try to paint you. To take a break, to take care of yourself. My happiness and health comes first. I will be OK not having this job, with finding something else, what other job, I do not know as of right now. But for now, I am going to commit to working on things I have wanted to for a whileeeee, like working out! and continuing to improve how I manage my emotions, because that will always be an up and down situation I can work on. I ranted alot to my friends about this, but I also googled “quitting job bc of anxiety” and reading the 3 other blog posts I found made me feel a little less alone, and I’m a huge advocate of speaking out about mental health, so hopefully someone else out there reads this and knows they aren’t alone too. You’ll be ok. Trust me.
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