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sapphosclown · 3 years

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Kiss Him You Fool - Willex Oneshot

aka willie and flynn are best friends and she’s done with this mutual pining bullshit. (boys are alive bc i didn’t feel like thinking about ghost logistics today lmao)

so i didn’t get to participate in willex week nearly as much as i wanted to so this is my song fic/au fic (i guess? since the guys are alive? idk) for free day since i didn’t get the idea till last night at 1am. anyways i also didn’t sign up for the gift exchange but i still wanna dedicate this fic to @fairygclds for hosting this week bc she did an amazing job and i love her v much, ty mari <3

title is from Kiss Her You Fool by Kids That Fly, cute song highly recommend

rbs and comments appreciated :)

———

That was real right? He didn’t make that up in his head? That happened. Right?

Willie was abruptly knocked out of their thoughts as his board hit a crack in the sidewalk, sending him onto the pavement, scraping his knee. Although, the stinging did help them snap out of the daze he was in, making him realize that yes, this is real life, and yes, he and Alex Mercer almost kissed.

***

“Stop, you’re not allowed to be that good at everything.” Willie teased as Alex just barely completed a loop around him.

“I feel like we are experiencing different timelines here or something.” Alex let out a shaky laugh as he flailed his arms in an attempt to regain the balance he’d just lost. Luckily, Willie held out their arm for him to grab just in time.

“Come on, you’re doing great! Just need to have a little more faith in yourself.” Willie smiled gently, offering extra support with his free hand.

Alex scoffed. “I think I’m a roller skating kind of guy.”

“Well, I disagree but if that’s how you feel—”

Alex rolled his eyes, making Willies stomach flutter. He helped him off the skateboard and they sat down on the couch in the studio. Willie ignored the fact that despite having the entire couch to themselves, they sat right up against each other, and he especially ignored the way their knees touching made his heart beat faster than normal.

“Actually, I think solid ground is where it’s at.” Alex said, only half-joking.

“I guess, but the wheels add some spice that solid ground could never live up to.”

“Exactly. You know exactly what you’re getting with solid ground. Me and wheels have a complicated relationship.”

“Oh really? You guys have a falling out?” Willie teased.

“Ha, yeah. There was some falling.” Alex gave a sarcastic laugh.

“But that’s the fun part! You can get some pretty rad scars from skating.” Willie pointed out.

“‘Rad?’ What, are you from the 80’s?”

“Listen—” Willie shushed him, shoving his shoulder into him playfully.

They laughed for a moment before falling into a comfortable silence. Willie was really tempted to lay his head onto Alex’s shoulder, or hold his hand.

His hand was right there. It would be so easy... But instead he grabbed their own hand and started messing with their fingers.

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” He asked lamely.

“We’re rehearsing for our gig tomorrow night. Luke and Julie are going over the set list one last time right now but we should be starting pretty soon.” Alex replied, checking the time on his phone before looking back at Willie. “Actually, if you wanna hangout while we rehearse, I don’t think they’d mind.”

“Oh, yeah! That sounds great!” Willie smiled.

“Cool.” Alex nodded, and maybe he was seeing things, but Willie could’ve sworn his cheeks were turning pink. That made him giggle.

“So, what’s the set list then?” They asked curiously. He shifted his body so that he could look at Alex, only mildly upset about the loss of contact, but being able to see the faded pink in Alex’s cheeks made up for it.

“Well, usually we start with Edge of Great, but Julie and Luke wrote this new song that is perfect to open with and I just know everyone’s gonna love it—”

Willie stared at Alex as he rambled on about the show and they couldn’t help the soft smile on their lips. Alex noticed almost immediately and stopped talking, almost embarrassed.

“What?” He asked.

“No, it’s nothing.” Willie said, waving his hand for them to move past it.

“No, I feel like you’re judging me!” Alex giggled.

“No! I’m not judging you!” Willie reassured. “You’re just really cute when you talk about music.” He said softly.

Alex went bright red. “Oh.” He replied in the same tone.

The air around them went quiet again, but this time filled with a different feeling. The feeling that there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. And suddenly their faces were a lot closer than Willie had realized. His eyes flicked down to Alex’s lips subconsciously and then back to his eyes, which he found were doing the same thing. There was nothing stopping him, all he had to do was lean in just a little bit more...

“WHO’S READY TO MAKE SOME MUSIC!” Reggie called excitedly as he entered the garage, making Willie and Alex jump apart. Reggie eyed them suspiciously. “Oh, hey Willie.” He said, eyebrows pulled together like he was piecing together what just happened.

“Hey.” Willie breathed uncomfortably. He felt like he couldn’t get enough air.

“Are you gonna hangout for rehearsal?” Reggie asked.

“Actually, uh, I gotta get going.” Willie sputtered before his brain could catch up to his mouth. They stood up and grabbed their things messily.

“I thought you said—”

“I just remembered I have to do something.” Willie cut Alex off. “I’ll see you tomorrow though?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Alex said quietly, failing at hiding his disappointment and making Willies chest ache.

“Cool.” Willie said. “See ya.” He threw an awkward peace sign at Reggie (who gave him one back) and skated out of the garage as fast as he possibly could.

***

“You are a disaster.” Flynn scolded, grabbing a dinosaur band-aid out of her desk drawer.

“I know!” Willie yelled into her pillow. She plopped down onto the bed in front of him.

“Why didn’t you just kiss him! You had the opportunity and he clearly wanted to kiss you too!” She yelled.

“I don’t know!” Willie whined, throwing the pillow back down into his lap. “I wanted to but I froze! And then Reggie showed up and I couldn’t stay after that! What if he didn’t want that to happen, what if he hates me now!”

“He doesn’t hate you! He’s very clearly in love with you, I don’t know what you’re not understanding about this.” She peeled the paper off the band-aid and carefully stuck it to Willies knee.

“You don’t know that.” He huffed.

“Who do you think you’re talking to? He likes you. When have I ever been wrong?”

They hated to admit it, but there have been very few times Flynn has been wrong.

“Fine. But what am I supposed to do?”

“Go back there? Ask him on a date or kiss him or just literally do anything.”

“I can’t go back! He’s rehearsing! I don’t wanna barge in while they’re rehearsing. And I left so fast it’d be so awkward—”

“Stop making excuses!” Flynn shook their shoulders, as they pouted. “Call him and say you forgot something.”

“I didn’t forget anything.” He said plainly. Flynn shot him a look.

“Duh! I know that, but if you tell him you’re coming back to get something then you can’t chicken out.” She explained, exasperated.

“Oh! Well what should I say I forgot?”

“Your phone, that's a reasonable thing you’d need to get back.”

“Okay. Okokok.” Willie mumbled to themself pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts before Flynn snatched it from them.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling him like you said!”

“Use my phone dummy! If you call him from your phone he’ll know you didn’t leave it there!” She opened her phone and before Willie realized what was happening, the phone was ringing on speaker.

“Hello?” Alex’s voice cracked through the phone.

Flynn looked at Willie and then back to the phone when he just sat there mouth agape.

“Um, hi. It’s Willie, not Flynn, I, um, left my phone in the studio and I’m on my way back to grab it.” They stuttered, hitting his head at his awkwardness.

“Oh alright. See you soon, then.”

“Yup. See ya.” Willie threw his head in his hands, their face turning bright red. Flynn ended the call and leaned against her wall with their arms crossed.

“You really are a disaster huh.” She teased.

Willie threw his pillow at them playfully and jumped off the bed. “I hate you.” He laughed.

“Love you too.” She grinned slyly. “Now, go tell your boyfriend he’s cool and you wanna kiss him!”

Willie groaned as he grabbed his things as Flynn shooed him out of her room.

***

“He’s coming back.” Alex said quickly. His friends shared the same look as they all “ooooooo”d at him.

“Guys stop! What do I do!” He cried.

“Man calm down, it’s alright.” Reggie consoled him.

“Why’re they coming back?” Julie asked turning her keyboard off so she can lean on the keys.

“Said they forgot their phone.” Alex replied.

“Mhm, right. Sure he did.” Luke teased. If he were closer Alex would’ve shoved him but he felt like he was glued to his seat.

“What do I do?” Alex asked again.

“I mean, we can keep rehearsing till he gets here if that’ll take your mind off of it?” Julie suggested.

God bless Julie. Alex nodded.

“I don’t know, it seems like he and Willie have some unfinished business.” Reggie winked.

“No! Nothing was happening! Nothing happened, it’s nothing. He just needs his phone back.” Alex tried to ignore his friends snickering but his mind flashed back to Willie on the couch in front of him. He really thought Willie had wanted to kiss him, but if how he left says anything, Alex must’ve misread the situation. They probably hated him.

“Dude, I can practically hear your thoughts and I promise you, he likes you.” Reggie assured him.

“You can’t know that for sure.” Alex mumbled, watching his drumstick twirl through his fingers.

“Maybe not but, we’ve all noticed how they look at you.” Luke cut in.

“It’s not exactly a secret.” Julie said sweetly.

“I just... I care about them a lot and what if you’re wrong and that’s just how he acts with his friends—”

“No, dude, we’re not letting you talk yourself out of this one.” Luke laughed.

“Seriously, Alex, you should go for it!” Reggie said encouragingly, walking around his drums to clap his shoulder.

Alex thought about it, he really did. He really thought for a second that he could do it, he could just lean forward and kiss him and they’d live happily ever after. But he over thought it, as usual.

“I don’t know. Maybe someday.” He shrugged.

“You can’t just wait for someday! You gotta go after what you want!” Luke exclaimed. Julie nodded.

Alex smiled at his friends. He appreciated their support but he couldn’t help but be afraid. Deep down, he knew they were right. He knew if Reggie had been just a minute later... But he still didn’t want to get his hopes up too high. Because there’s always that what if that won’t leave him alone.

There was a gentle knock on the garage doors as Willie stepped into view, he was hugging his arms and had a soft smile on his face. They carefully waved at everyone before he made eye contact with Alex, and suddenly it felt just like they were on the couch again. Just the two of them.

You know what. Maybe it’s time for someday.

Alex stood up from his drums and walked over to Willie, trying to act nonchalant. He heard Julie clear her throat to get the other two to stop staring at them and at least pretend to do something else.

“Hey.” Alex breathed.

“Hey.” Willie replied. “Can I actually see you, out here?” He asked shyly, nodding his head out side.

Alex nodded and followed Willie out of view of his band mates.

“Sorry, I probably should’ve looked for your phone before you got here but—” before Alex could finish his sentence Willie had cupped Alex’s face and pulled him into a kiss.

Alex felt like his heart had just exploded and he wasn’t completely sure if he was real anymore, but then he felt his hand rest on Willies cheek and he could confirm that yes, this was happening.

It didn’t last longer than a few seconds before Willie pulled away again. Their eyes searched Alex’s face for any sign of his emotion but Alex had completely stopped functioning and didn’t quite know what to do until he felt Willies grip on his face loosen.

“I’m sorry—” He tried to retract his hands but Alex held them in place, and he couldn’t help but laugh. He saw Willie’s worry fade and Alex pulled him back into a kiss. This one much softer, less rushed. No longer a question, but an answer.

They pulled apart and Alex noticed Willie shrinking down a bit and smiled to himself.

“Do you have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss me?” He asked cheekily.

Willie raised his eyebrows. “That’s the question you have right now?”

Alex nodded, his smile unmoving.

“I’m glad you have your priorities set.” Willie laughed.

“Definitely.” Alex whispered. “Priority number one, make you stand on your tiptoes to kiss me again.”

“You’re mean.” Willie pouted. Alex laughed and Willie gave him a playful shove before Alex pulled him back onto his tiptoes.

“It’s about time.” Reggie whispered as he Luke and Julie peeked around the door and watched their friend.

“Luke,” He stood up straight and held out his hand.

Luke groaned and fished for his wallet in his pockets, handing him a $20 bill.

“Thank you.” Reggie said smugly, pocketing the cash.

Julie laughed and shook her head at her friends and they all made their way back to their respective instruments. Julie pulled out her phone.

Flynn: did he do it??

Julie: yup. reggie’s $20 richer

Flynn: about time!! took those fools long enough, geez

Julie: really tho

Alex walked back into the studio a blushing smiley mess and sat at his drums again, not saying a word despite his friends staring at him expectantly.

He scanned their faces from his seat behind his drums.

“From the top?”

———

a/n: let it be known that reggie used that $20 to buy a fish and he named it Gil and he is the best fish dad ever

#idk if the description is accurate like it is but i also don’t know what’s going on i wrote this in one day #hope you enjoyed anyways lol #i love them #and this song is them idc #willex week #willex #willie jatp #willie wilbur williamson #alex mercer #julie and the phantoms #jatp #willex oneshot #willex fic #netflixwewantjatp2 #renew julie and the phantoms

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jostenneil · 3 years

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i was gonna rb this but i’m too lazy and tired to go look for the panels i wanted to use lmao. i also haven’t read shiva’s stuff in a while so i realized that my part on her might be inaccurate so i just… didn’t do it. but hi:

it’s interesting that you refer to jade as a “loose cannon” because i for one see her as much more composed than we give her credit for? she’s definitely the most emotionally unstable out of the three, but her outbursts are more rare than we think. she’s typically eerily calm which is partially why she’s scarily competent. any breakdowns we have witnessed are in roy’s presence and revolve around something meaningful to her (ex. lian, her freedom, etc.). granted, we haven’t had the opportunity to see something else trigger her mainly because, unfortunately, no one cared enough to explore that/her, but as far as canon goes they aren’t that frequent. jade too is a strategist which is an underrated aspect of her and not at all hyped up in the same vein as her toxicology knowledge and combat skills. i don’t know if you’re in the midst of reading through her stuff but you’ll see this in birds of prey. i guess my point is that any erratic behavior she’s exhibited is typically a part of jade and not cheshire, if that makes sense. very rarely is she going to allow herself to shatter (for lack of a better word) like that unless it’s lian in danger or something extremely triggering for her. i don’t disagree with the difference in violence tolerance but i will say that i personally interpret her “murder glee” (lol) as being proud of her own skills and competency. i definitely agree with you on the talia wanting to help her aspect. it’s definitely something worth exploring. they still haven’t met on panel yet so hey, that’s a dynamic to have! (i know they know of each other and technically met in recent continuity but those “interactions” are lame)

that’s a really good point! loose canon probably isn’t the best way to put it. ig what i’m trying to refer to is that if the right triggers are present then she can become a bit unpredictable. she’s damn good at her job and obv near on par if not absolutely on par with shiva and that doesn’t come from a consistent record of recklessness, after all! but the fact that her trauma has in some cases driven her to some really erratic breakdowns esp as her relationship with roy deteriorates is what concerns me ig, bc that can potentially become an increasingly unpredictable variable when you’re in the field. but also, theoretically any missions with shiva and talia wouldn’t likely pit the three of them against roy and that’s something i didn’t think about in the last ask so that specificity of triggers is definitely a good point to bring up. maybe it’d be more plausible if the mission involved saving lian or one of their kids and that put jade on edge. that would be a really interesting scenario to explore! and yeah omg murder glee meter was just something i used in jest jsbdjdnjd it’s definitely more about her confidence in her own skill (altho obv part of it is also that she compensates for her trauma by exercising that skill, and that’s not necessarily a healthy coping mechanism, so there’s that too. she’s a mess omg i love her and i wish i could give her a hug 😭)

#jade nguyen #dc #mine:meta #constructive discourse in the ask box. i love it #also yeah i haven’t read her bop appearances yet so i’ll def do that!#asks

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justlightthefirstspark · 4 years

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Utd vs City - FA Cup 4th round - Jan 25th 2020

Okay so this game was a little all over the place, I feel like everything just goes out the window on derby day. For real tho my blood pressure went through the roof this afternoon, I HATE derby day. Moving on.

‘10 - Cracking save from Earps. She was on her game today (except for towards the end, but we’ll get to that later on). She did have some great saves though

Today I learned that I’m not a massive fan of Ellen White. She’s very good, yes, so disagree with me if you must, but she seemed pretty intent on literally killing Abbie McManus for a little while there, and she nearly came through Hayley Ladd at one stage, so... yeah. I’m not really a fan. Just don’t think a striker needs to make as many sliding tackles as she did today 🤷🏽‍♀️

‘22 - Jackie meggsed Steph Houghton and I thought I was gonna die of joy. If that’s even a thing. Also, wish we could have made something from that but hey.

‘24 - Was a little choppy for a lot of the first half. Sigsworth had a glorious opportunity to open the scoring but unfortunately couldn’t make anything happen, and then Ross went kinda close, but it ended up creeping over the bar. City were definitely in charge at this point though, most of what United had was coming off the counter

‘30 - Goal, City. Abbie... bro. Personally, I never bought a ticket for the McManus hype train. And that’s why.

‘37 - Nailed on chance for United surely, ball in from Hanson I’m pretty sure, but Sigsworth just couldn’t get there

Half time: First half went pretty much as I expected it to, minus the goal if I’m being honest. McManus’ mistake was pretty stupid, and shortsighted, but what’s done is done. I do think that we need a new CB (at least one) in the summer, cause I haven’t been majorly impressed w McManus tbh. I much prefer the Turner x2 partnership at CB, but even then Amy can have a tendency to make some silly mistakes. (I’m sure Millie does too, I just haven’t seen those yet. They’re human, not robots, we all make mistakes!) I think Abbie, needs to be benched for a little while; move Amy back to CB w Millie, move Smith onto the right and bring Ökvist in on the left, and just let her develop and learn on the job. (Should Amy have to relinquish that RB spot, Smith should have it over Harris imo)

‘45 - No changes at the half, which was annoyingggggg. Also the male commentator (can’t remember his name, soz) kept making reference to the QF loss to Reading last season and I was not appreciative. Like, at all.

‘48 - Like for the majority of the first half, Zelem was sitting very deep in the Utd midfield. Was almost like a back 5 at times, w Zel sat just in front of Abbie and Millie. She was basically invisible during the first half due to this as well, little to no offensive action. I’m pretty sure that Ladd started sitting deeper to push Zelem up at some stage though

‘56 - Goal, City. This was game over for me (lol). I’m not really sure who I blame for this one, seen a lot of blame on Amy, but there was definitely a delayed reaction from Millie in there too, so I’d have to watch it back (which I don’t plan to tbh) to fully make up my mind, so I’m gonna blame them both. Seems only fair. 🤷🏽‍♀️

‘59 - James 🔁 Ross. An hour too late but I’ll take it. I’d have started James, without a doubt, but Casey said they were “managing her for the upcoming games”, also she kinda has a tendency to pick up yellows - through no fault of her own really though. Some other players just can’t deal with her strength on the ball so when they challenge her, they come off the worse and she gets in trouble. Riddle me that one 🧐

I also think we need a new striker in the summer, Ross just isn’t working. We need another game changer, another creative outlet like Lauren cause it’s massively unfair to rest that responsibility solely on the shoulders of an 18 year old.

‘60 - glorious shot from Hanson that just couldn’t make it. She really opened City up down the right side. To be honest it was a great save from Roebuck too

‘69 - GOAL; United. Remember when I said Lauren James should have started? Because Lauren James scored a super goal 10 mins after she came on the pitch. Lovely turn and shot, straight past the keeper. Game on, apparently.

‘69 - Arnot 🔁 Sigsworth. I think this was a good swap, even though it may not have been like for like. Jess was EVERYWHERE today, I genuinely don’t think there was an inch of the pitch she didn’t cover. She had a few decent chances, which any other day she probably would have put away but that’s the way it goes I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️ Honestly if we had any other options, I’d rest her more, but we don’t so... I do think it’s the right decision to sub her off around the hour mark if she’s gonna play this often though. She’s gonna burn out quick cause she’s doing way more than she needs/has to (because we have no bench and a lot of inexperience/players who just aren’t that good, so everyone is doing 47 jobs but shhhh)

‘72 - 👻 - Pure daylight robbery is the only way I can describe this. One of McManus or Arnot has the ball OVER the line, but it’s disallowed 🤦🏽‍♀️ (Before anyone comes for me claiming “salt” or whatever, there is nothing you can say to me that would change my mind. There’s videos from the stand that show the ball over the line, Ellie Roebuck’s body-language and position show her clearly fishing the ball out of the net, the reaction of all the players around the goal show that it went in - Utd players elated, and City’s dejected. Also Miss Ellen “I couldn’t really see. I wasn’t in the line of it” White can swing. She was 2 feet away and staring right at it.)

‘76 - Goal; City. Jill Scott floats it up and in , with a delayed reaction from Earps. She should have seen that one coming a mile off but I reckon it took a deflection (possibly off McManus’ shoulder?) cause her body movements completely changed - albeit just a fraction too late. Also, I have *no idea* what Amy was doing in the box there, I just know that I don’t ever wanna see whatever that was ever again. Flailing around on the ground like a literal fish out of water. Not good.

‘87 - GOAL; United. Well, own goal; Hemp. But I’ll take it. Thought for a second it was Houghton but she was too busy feigning a foul 🤷🏽‍♀️

‘90 - I’ll be honest, I had to stop watching here cause I couldn’t take it. There was like, a year’s worth of added time bc of two injuries to City players but nothing of note happened during this time so I have nothing to say.

All in all, I think our entire back line had an off day today.

Abbie, imo she’s our main defensive weak link. I’d say a solid 70% of City’s chances came down our right side due to this. I’d have to go back and rewatch every game from the start of the season to pick out specific instances, but there can be a bit of hesitancy and airiness to her game sometimes, it doesn’t always seem like she thinks before she does. And she (well, all of them do it really) plays it back way more than is healthy for my stress levels.

Millie gets the benefit of the doubt from me today cause she very rarely has off days, but she was very quiet today.

Amy, has some extent of the benefit of the doubt cause she’s not a RB/FB by nature, she’s had to change her game a bit, but she was not great today (see previous point about the right side of our defence)

I actually think Kirsty Smith was the best of the 4, her service to Hanson on the left was excellent.

We really, really missed Galton down the left though, so I hope she’s back for Wednesday! Lauren needs to start vs Chelsea too, and against Reading tbh but we’ll worry about that one later.

Also, as a little side note, I have to say I really enjoyed Jayne Ludlow’s commentary this afternoon! I know she did the Utd/Spurs reverse fixture in October, and I’m sure she’s done a few more, but I’d like to hear a lot more of her (or really, anyone else who knows the game as well as she does, or in a similar capacity). She, obviously, knows the game really well, and I thought her analysis and opinions were really interesting to listen to.

#i don’t think this is as good as the last one but it’s fine #still tho pls be nice if you read 😇#manchester united women #muwfc #my writing

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nooradeservedbetter · 7 years

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Reblogging this post will earn you a blocking, if you want to talk about it just @ me but since I disclose some personal info that I don’t fucking want around, don’t fucking rb it, or you’ll be blocked.

I need my feelings on Call Me By Your Name out though, hence this post.

I’ll start off by saying that everybody’s experiences are different, and people who are uncomfortable with the film or the book have all the rights to feel that and I’m not going to ask why or how. I don’t want to say valid, but of course your own feelings are your own, and you can’t control them. You can control how you act though.

I have something against people who take their personal life experience (or their country laws cough cough) as an absolute. If I had to use my actual personal experience as an absolute, then since I was abused by a person my own age, and when I dated someone 18 years my senior he was really good and respectful of my boundaries, I would rule out the possibility of age difference being a problem. But I don’t, because I don’t make my experiences an absolute.

About the age of consent that people get up in arms about: In Italy we have various ages of consent, but two are the ones that matter: one is 13 and it’s within 3 years of difference, and it’s meant for teens to start having sex with other teens. The other one, the general one, is 14, unless there’s an unbalanced power relationship.This means that when you’re 17 (Elio’s age) you can have sex with everybody you want, and even if your parents disagree--in case your partner is of age--the law allows for a 5 years age gap of tolerance so they can’t do anything within that gap. This can make you uncomfortable as much as you want, but it doesn’t change what’s the law in Italy and how consequently us Italians grow up. Literally. Italy is not the USA and this is how things are, and things in the USA are not inherently better. So please next time you think about bringing up the issue of legal age, just think about it.

And for the love of god, as an actual CSA survivor who was 7 years old when it happened, if I see the world pedophilia being thrown around I’m going to fucking flip out. It’s disgusting and devalues the word and the act.

Bottom line if you want not to see the film, just do it. Like I didn’t go to see W/onder W/oman because I really am not for people who write #weareright and #iloveIDF in their insta posts. I didn’t make it a big deal, and so can you.

ETA: thanks to @anulloamato bc i did mess up the age of consent law in italy but tbf since we are eased into adulthood, and people don’t pretend we’re kids one day and adults another day, it’s a very complicated matter and it has a lot of ages and stuff. so i forgot.

#cmbyn #this post is a mess but i needed to get my feelings out

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conflictedrabbit · 7 years

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2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.

___:

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___:

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff:

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff:

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___:

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff:

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___:

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___:

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___:

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff:

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___:

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___:

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff:

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff:

Wow i want to die!

___:

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___:

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___:

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff:

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___:

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff:

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___:

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff:

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___:

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff:

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff:

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___:

M. E

66ccff:

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___:

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff:

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me:

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___:

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff:

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___:

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff:

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___:

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff:

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___:

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___:

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff:

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff:

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff:

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___:

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___:

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff:

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___:

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff:

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___:

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___:

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___:

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___:

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff:

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff:

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___:

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff:

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff:

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___: it's really weird

66ccff:

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___:

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff: :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff: oh yeah

....

66ccff:

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff: ___ we are so fucked ___:

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

#1-#2-#3-#4-#5-#a bloo bloo bloob #avpd #ok done editing tumblr posted it b4 i was ready but yea

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