#i didn’t have classes at all this week bc they were asynchronous so i had more time to do all my work

[liu-lang]

I took a few sips of my boyfriend’s coffee this morning and I’ve been jittery with a headache for the past 5 hours.

A big factor in my panic today is that the semester starts tmrw ! I’m taking 16 units (3 classes). Calculus is 5 units, python (computer science) is 4 units and linguistics is 3 units. Only python is synchronous as this is the first time they’re offering it ! Calc and ling are async and don’t have mandatory live class meetings. I looked at the syllabi for all my classes and know that as long as I am organised and disciplined I can handle this on top of my full-time job. Last semester I took precalc and data structures and the semester before tt I took Java and databases. So, so far I’ve been okay with 2 classes.

I really miss linguistics and this intro linguistics class is meant to be a refresher. I even used the same textbook in undergrad - an older edition though. Everything in the syllabus is familiar to me.

The python class has set class times Monday and Wednesday from 18h to 20h10. This is the same as my precalc class. Last semester, having live precalc class and a professor who concurrently was a full-time high school teacher was really good for my learning. The live lectures gave me an opportunity to ask questions and since he also had a full-time job outside of teaching us, he had very flexible deadlines for homework (just turn it in by the end of the semester). I was able turn my hw in on time every week until about November 2020 (so the last month of the semester) bc covid cases soared at work, my new boss was hired and I had to stay past 17h more often.

My data structures class was a struggle. It was asynchronous. It was the first time the prof was teaching this subject. She was very disorganised and didn’t publish or mark homework and quizzes on time. We went from 40 students to like 15 by the end of it. The syllabi was basically null where we would have multiple chapters overlap even though it was supposed to be 1 chapter per week bc she would publish things midweek. The keys to her exams were wrong and we would have to write her and justify why we should receive points for questions marked incorrectly. The only reason I survived was bc of the discord my classmates created.

I am afraid that I am taking on too much not because my job is intellectually difficult but that it is very tiring and the hours can vary. I wish I could use the bulk of my waking hours and energy on school instead. The part of me that has very high expectations for myself wants to do the best in all my classes and work and I know I can’t do that.

My calc class has optional live lecture on Mondays from 13h to 14h but I absolutely cannot stealthy participate. If I had a set lunch hour and a private place maybe I could. But I don’t have those, I pretty much work through my lunch and sit in an open shared area and I don’t want my employer to know I’m in school for something unrelated to my job. Everything will be recorded and viewable later. I wrote to the prof and asked about exam protocol. Luckily there is no live exam tt will be invigilated over zoom. We just have to turn the exam in before midnight on Friday. I am debating if I should I use my floating hours to maybe leave work 1 hour early on exam days ? The past semester I only took time off for the final exams.

If I wasn’t such an overachiever, I would be able to settle for just python and calculus. That seems like a more doable balance. I’m trying to convince myself tt my ling class will be an “easy” class but there are readings and discussion posts and essays tt you have to write. Another reason I’m piling these classes on now is that this may be the last semester tt is fully remote / online. Bc of my job I otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend these classes if they were offered in the day time.

I’m already panicking a bit and tempted to just drop all my classes and focus on work. I know all these choices are in my power. I get to choose what I want to do. I am in a privileged position where I have a full-time job and with this money I earn I can attend community college on top of already having my BA. But I also think about people who have the luxury and financial means to not work and just focus on school. I think about ppl who are born into generational wealth and they don’t have to be as pragmatic about what they do, they can ~follow their dreams~, they don’t have to think about supporting their family members or sending money back home or wonder about how/if their parents will be able to retire.

Every time I think about just working and not doing school at the same I’m reminded that I’m an immigrant and my mum did not bring me here for me not to try my best, for me not to make the most of the one life I have.

#personal #work