#i did tell my mom he needs some therapy for his anger issues ass

[cherienymphe]

Cruel Intentions (Steve Rogers x Reader)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, manipulation, mentions of abuse, therapist!Steve, silverfox!Steve, drugging

! DNI IF THIS OFFENDS YOU !

➥ Image by @angrybirdcr

      ➥ dividers by @firefly-graphics

This is for the “For the Fic” challenge whose winner for my fic was @darkficsyouneveraskedfor​

The entire plot was her request and I hope that you like it!

summary: after escaping an abusive ex, you find solace in a therapist recommended to you by a friend. 

~

“...I know I shouldn’t...but sometimes I blame myself. In Harry, I know that I was looking for what I never had in my family. I think it made me quick to rush into things...to ignore what I should have seen.”

Your eyes remained on the dark carpet, the man before you humming as the scribbling sound of his pen reached your ears. You fought hard not to fidget, a horrible habit you’d picked up in the last 3 years. You finally lifted your head again when the room was bathed in silence, eyes meeting familiar blue ones as he studied you.

You were used to these short moments of silence by now.

You’d been recommended to Dr. Steve Rogers by a friend, a friend who’d helped you escape your violent ex in the dead of night while he’d been away on business. She had grown worried when it became obvious that the effects of your tumultuous relationship would be lasting if you didn’t do something about it. Oddly enough, you’d been receptive. For 2 whole years, you’d wanted to tell someone, have anyone to turn to and talk to, but fear, a very valid fear, had stopped you.

Not only had you been worried for your life, something that was threatened on a constant basis, but you’d also been afraid of judgement. You worried what your friends would say, if they’d blame you for finding yourself in such a predicament, if they’d look down on you for no longer fighting back. It was only by a stroke of luck that Nakia had seen Harry slap you right across the face when he thought she’d left. You were grateful that she’d waited for him to leave before rushing towards your trembling frame, pulling you into her arms as she shushed you.

She had demanded to know how long this had been going on. She had been horrified and confused and angry. It didn’t take her long to come up with a plan, and within 2 weeks, after waiting for Harry to leave the city for 2 days, she’d gotten you out and into her place across town. You didn’t stay for long, maybe a few weeks, wanting nothing but to put it all behind you, and although she was sad to see you go, she understood.

It was how you found yourself in upstate New York, in a secluded tiny thing of a house. You hadn’t even realized that you’d become something of a recluse until Nakia had pointed it out during one of your weekly calls. It had never hit you that you went to work and to home and that was it. You barely ate anymore, so grocery shopping was never a frequent affair. That was when she’d told you about a well known therapist in the area, Steven G. Rogers. You had been shocked by how much you weren’t opposed to the idea as she went on listing all of his credentials. 

It was only moments after she hung up that you found yourself researching him yourself. You remembered noting how handsome the man was, even more so in person. His bright blue eyes and silver tresses complimented his strong features nicely, pink lips pulled up into a polite smile. You didn’t find yourself put off by the stranger, thinking to yourself that talking to someone you didn’t know, an objective listener who was paid not to judge you, might be for the best.

You soon found out that was easier said than done.

The first visit had been rocky, barely mumbling a thing and constantly fidgeting. You had hardly been able to meet his eye, and the session had abruptly ended when you’d left early, stumbling over your words as you gave some half assed excuse for your sudden departure. He was far more understanding than you deserved during your second visit. Wracked with guilt and anxiety, you’d written some things down that you wanted to talk about, and thankfully, the man hadn’t laughed at you. In fact, you remembered how fondly he looked at you as you unfolded it.

As it turned out, you didn’t need the slip of paper at all. Notes forgotten, you had rambled on for an hour. It was like once you started, you just couldn’t stop, and Steve simply listened the entire time. The next time he spoke to you was only to tell you that your time was up, and both embarrassment and disappointment had flooded through you. It must have been obvious, plain as day on your features, because Steve reassured you that it was normal to ramble. 

You had been reluctant to leave. After years of biting your tongue and living in fear of even making the wrong sound, you finally found someone to listen. Even if it was only a stranger getting paid for it, it was still something. There was someone to express your fears to, and although it had taken some time, terrified that you’d say the wrong thing and upset him, eventually, you started to express your anger too.

“...and then I get angry all over again,” you continued when he said nothing. “...because I’m smart, because red flags in others’ relationships have always been so obvious to me. I’ve always been the mom friend, the one who can spot trouble before it even starts. I’ve helped friends get out of situations before they even had the chance to turn sour…”

You shook your head.

“...and yet...it took a slap to the face to realize just how deep I was in? Not the jealousy, not the anger issues nor the way he’d isolated me from just about everyone in my life...but a slap? It should’ve never gotten to that.”

“You can’t blame yourself for the actions of others.”

It wasn’t the first time you’d heard that. Hell, it wasn’t even the first time he’d told you that, and yet here you were again.

“We can go in circles analyzing your own behavior and the things you did and the things you said, but the truth is that you could play it out in your head a million times. You could do every single thing differently, and it still wouldn’t change a thing.”

The corner of his lips lifted into a crooked smile, a familiar sight.

“Some people are simply cruel, and it has nothing at all to do with you.”

You sharply inhaled, unsure of why such a simple statement resonated with you so deeply. You stared at Steve, blinking a few times, opening your mouth to respond when he glanced at the clock. It was a tell tale sign, and your shoulders sagged. You would think that after seeing him for 7 months now, you’d be used to leaving after only an hour, but it never got easier.

“That’s all the time we have for today,” he said, standing. “You’re progressing nicely, Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes, and he chuckled, eyes crinkling. 

“You are. Progress and healing isn’t linear. Sometimes you’re going to take 2 steps back before you can take 10 more forward. It’s all part of the process,” he assured you.

You sighed.

“Well… I guess that does make me feel a bit better,” you replied.

He sent you a small smile as he guided you towards the door.

“I’ll see you next week?”

You returned his smile with a nod and didn’t let your face fall until the door was shut behind you. The good thing about therapy was that you could recognize your own toxic behaviors now, and it was clear that you were becoming reliant on your sessions with Steve. You had never liked being alone, but you had come all the way out here to learn to do just that. For your sake, you needed to learn to love being alone. It was how you had gotten into this mess to begin with.

Your phone vibrated with a call from an unknown number, and figuring it was a scam call, you silenced it.

Your house was practically in the middle of nowhere, so when the tv wasn’t blasting or you didn’t have Spotify playing some light tune, the house could get scarily quiet. But that was what you wanted...right? Harry had always been so explosive. The smallest of things could set him off and then the sound of yelling and shattering glass would rain down on you. Silence and solitude was what you wanted, needed.

Your phone buzzed again as you settled into your car, and you huffed when you noticed it was the same number. Again, you weren’t unfamiliar with scam callers so you ignored it. You noted that you needed to go grocery shopping, but you weren’t on the precipice of starvation just yet, so it could hold off for another day. By the time you got inside, your phone had started to buzz again, and with a frown, you decided to answer it.

“Hello?”

You were met with silence as you unlocked your door, and you repeated yourself, but there was no response. With a sigh, you hung up the phone. You both loved and hated coming home. It was quiet and safe and everything you had craved for years now, but the unfamiliarity of it all unnerved you. Sometimes you were just waiting for Harry to come flying through the door, screaming and breaking things. You had to remind yourself that this silence, this security, is how it’s supposed to be.

You went about making a quick meal, hopping into the shower while leaving the stove on low. When you got out, in the process of moisturizing your arms, you noticed your phone buzzing with another call. From that same number. Unease filled you as you neared it, and you hesitantly reached for it before answering.

Again, you were met with silence, and frustrated and annoyed, you simply blocked the number. A quick look through your phone revealed that you’d missed several calls from the same number while in the bathroom. Blinking with a deepening frown, you set your phone down and made your way to your kitchen. Dinner, like always these days, was quiet. You curled up on the couch with your plate while you watched some old sitcom.

The rest of the night passed as blandly as it always did. Sleep was much easier to find these days, so you had no trouble as soon as your head hit the pillow. However, just as you were on the verge, your phone buzzed with another call. This number didn’t match the previous one, but it was unknown nonetheless. With a groan, you put your phone on silent and rolled over, sleep claiming you.

“I know it’s you,” you sneered into the phone.

Unsurprisingly, you were met with the faint sound of breathing, and you clenched your jaw. You slammed the car door behind you before stomping across the parking lot.

“I know it’s you,” you quietly repeated. “Stay away from me.”

You hung up before blocking the number, the 10th number you had blocked in the past week. Every few hours or so a day, like clockwork, you got calls from an unknown number. You’d always end up blocking the number after the first few calls, but they always called again from a different one. At first, they’d say nothing, and you’d listen to silence for a few seconds before hanging up. Now, they’d taken to breathing in your ear like a creep. It wasn’t even until you blocked the 3rd number did it finally hit you.

Harry.

Harry freaking Osborn.

You felt like such an idiot for not putting it together sooner. Of course, it was Harry. Was this not the same man who threatened to hunt you down and drag you back like some animal if you ever left him? You had always equated woman beaters to cowards so you never thought he’d have the nerve to actually do it. Putting the pieces together didn’t bring you any comfort. Your filthy rich abusive ex had managed to track you down. What comfort was there to find in that?

Since that day, you hadn’t had a proper night of sleep. Your mind was constantly at war with itself on what to do. Having been down this road before, you knew the police would be no help. You’d gone to them once before, at the very beginning after the first time he’d hit you. It was your first harsh lesson that money ruled over everything. If you thought hard enough, you could still recall his hands around your throat, eyes alight with anger at what you’d tried to pull.

Still, you considered at least trying to get a restraining order but at the end of the day, that was a mere piece of paper. If Harry came to your door, it wasn’t going to stop him from hurting you, and that’s even if the whole process went through. They don’t just give restraining orders out willy nilly. You tried not to dwell on that hypothetical situation, but if he’d found your number, it would only be a matter of time before he found your address.

“Oh!”

You’d only just entered the grocery store, barely stepping into an aisle when you bumped into someone. The chips and bread in his hands went flying to the floor, and apologies tumbled from your lips. It was only after you helped him pick up what you made him drop did you realize who you’d run into.

“Dr. Rogers...hi,” you breathed.

The corner of his lips pulled into a crooked smile, head tilting to the side as his gaze fell onto you.

“We’ve discussed this before, Y/N. You’re more than welcome to call me Steve,” he told you.

You gave a nervous chuckle, nodding.

“Yeah...uh… I normally do, it just...it just slipped my mind,” you replied.

He blinked at you, eyes narrowing just a bit as he studied you. His brows furrowed in that concerned way you were used to, a silver strand of hair kissing his forehead.

“Everything okay…?”

You folded your arms over your chest, nodding with a strained smile.

“Everything’s fine,” you lied. “It’s just… It’s been a weird week. Our next session cannot come fast enough.”

You forced a light laugh, and he joined you. He placed a hand on his hip, eyes boring into your own.

“There’s a coffee shop just over there,” he gestured. “Did you want to sit and have a chat?”

You frantically shook your head.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t,” you told him. “I-.”

“I know I’m your therapist, but I want you to think of me as a confidant outside of the office too. You’re more than welcome to talk to me anytime. In fact, I encourage it,” he interrupted. 

You nervously eyed him with a frown.

“Are...are you sure?”

His smile was comforting.

“This may be my job, but it’s one I chose because it’s one I enjoy. I don’t want you to feel like you’re only allowed to talk to me during our sessions,” he quietly said.

You bit your lip, and Steve continued.

“I’d hate to think that you’re bottling things up for days on end, suffering in silence because you’re just waiting to talk to me,” he confessed.

Your shoulders sagged, and you hesitantly nodded.

“...okay. I just need to get a few things for the house.”

“Okay,” he said with a smile. “You know where to find me.”

You parted ways, and a sigh escaped you. You really didn’t want to become reliant on Steve. Wasn’t the whole point of therapy to learn how to process your feelings and cope with them better? Running to your therapist every time you have a problem just seemed counterproductive. And yet, once your car was loaded up with the few items you bought, you found yourself making your way to the coffee shop.

After ordering a small drink, you easily spotted Steve at a table in the back. You noted that even outside of your sessions, he still dressed nicely. The dark button down he wore contrasted with his light hair, dark slacks making him appear taller. You felt simultaneously nervous and comforted as you settled across from him. There was a brief silence, one in which you sipped on your drink while he eyed you before finally speaking.

“So what’s on your mind?”

What a loaded question. You struggled over whether or not to tell him the truth. Your abusive ex had found you somehow and was currently harassing you. That’s not something you could just casually drop into the conversation. Besides, Steve was your therapist, not your friend. You didn’t think it fair to rope him into the drama with your ex. That wasn’t part of his job description. Right?

“Just sleepless nights,” you said.

It wasn’t a complete lie. Steve eyed you like he was waiting for you to continue, blue eyes soft.

“I’m also worried that...my past might not remain in the past.”

Once again, this wasn’t a complete lie. 

“How so?” Steve hummed.

“I can’t help but wonder about what will happen if Harry finds me. He always threatened that he would if I ever left, and while I never believed him before, I just keep wondering… What if he does?”

Steve tilted his head at you, and you leaned back in your seat with a sigh.

“I’ve moved all the way out here to get away from him. I’ve isolated myself because I thought it was for the best, but it would have the opposite effect if he ever found me. I’ve never been particularly close with my family as you well know, and I’ve left all of my friends. I’m all alone here, and it’s the worst thing to be if he ever did track me down.”

Like always, you had started to ramble, and you snapped your mouth closed, embarrassment flooding through you.

“What brought all of this on?”

Steve’s eyes were sincere as he ran them over you, handsome face twisted in concern, and you glanced away.

“Just thinking,” you lamely replied, eyes on your drink now. “It’s something I’ve always thought about, sure, but it’s been more pressing as of late.”

“Well...that’s what I’m here for. You shouldn’t have to deal with these thoughts alone,” he eventually said.

“I know,” you sighed, rubbing your temples. “...but I shouldn’t become so reliant on you. The whole point of therapy is to learn to deal with these things on my own, is it not?”

Steve exhaled, leaning back in his seat as he gazed at you.

“Not necessarily. Not always,” he answered. “...but even then, until you can get to that point, it’s best to lean into your support. After all, you’ve gotta crawl before you can walk, right?”

You nodded, taking in his words.

“...and even when you’re walking, you usually need someone there in the beginning to hold your hand in case you fall. I encourage you to talk to your friends more, maybe even branch out and find some friends here, but I’m here as well. Don’t halt any of your progress because you feel like you need to be dealing with this alone. Outside help does more for your progress than you’d think.”

“I guess that does make sense. I don’t know… I just- I’d feel so bad about showing up at your office throughout all hours of the day or calling your receptionist-.”

You cut yourself off when he took out a pen and a slip of paper.

“Here,” he said, scribbling a number on it before handing it to you. “This is my personal number.”

Your eyes widened. 

“Oh, I can’t-.”

“It’s fine, trust me.”

You hesitantly returned his smile, taking the piece of paper.

“Don’t hesitate to call me anytime you want to,” he told you, standing.

You joined him, fingering the note before sliding it into your pocket.

“Thank you…Steve. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually call you, but just knowing that I have the option makes me feel so much better,” you whispered.

You heard his pager go off, and you watched as he glanced at it. He let out a sigh, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he sounded disappointed.

“I’ve got to go, but I hope you’ll use that number if you need to.”

Thanking him again, you said your goodbyes, and you watched as he exited the shop. The slip of paper felt heavy in your pocket, so you solved that by putting his number into your phone. Just as you were about to put it back into your purse, it buzzed with a call from an unknown number. Fear settled into your gut, and with a grimace, you silenced the call and blocked the number.

You were late. You were so late it was laughable to even show up at this point. Your shoes tapped against the tile as the numbers on the elevator lit up as it passed each floor. You slipped through the doors as soon as they parted, and with no mind to check in, the receptionist calling your name, you raced towards Steve’s office. You reached his door just as he opened it to step out, and the papers that he was holding scattered to the floor as you collided with him. You hadn’t even realized how fast you’d been running until you were knocked on your ass. 

You could hear the heels of the receptionist as she ran over, apologizing to Steve for letting you slip past her, but he waved her off. She reluctantly returned to her desk, and you scrambled to sit up, reaching for everything that had fallen.

“I was beginning to think you’d never show,” Steve joked.

You gave a shaky laugh.

“I uh...I got caught up,” you replied through trembling lips, fingers shaking as you struggled to stack all of his paperwork.

You could feel Steve’s eyes on you, but you avoided his gaze.

“I know I’m late. Our hour is practically over, but I- I just… Um, crap.”

You had dropped the papers all over again, and you both reached for them at the same time. At least, that was what you thought. Steve’s hands covered yours, and you only just realized how badly they were shaking.

“Y/N.”

His voice was soft, exactly what you needed right now, but you couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Y/N, is everything alright?”

Your chest was tight, and you wanted to will your lips to form a yes. You wanted to tell him that everything was fine, but you couldn’t even get the words out. He called your name again, and you suddenly stood, taking the papers with you. You handed them to him as he followed your lead, still avoiding his eye.

“I’m sorry for being late, and I know that you probably have another session-.”

“I don’t,” he interrupted. “Come in.”

You glanced up from beneath your lashes as he opened the door, ushering you inside. You wrapped your arms around yourself as he shut the door behind you.

“Is everything okay?”

You turned your face away from him, unable to keep it from crumbling as you held in a sob.

“Y/N.”

The way he called your name had you freezing in place, a shiver running through you at his firm tone, authority in the one simple word. In a way, it reminded you of Harry, and you looked to him with wide eyes. Seeming to understand what he’d done, Steve sighed before sitting down, making himself appear smaller to show that he wasn’t a threat to you.

“I’m sorry,” he genuinely apologized. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Please...sit.”

You hesitantly did so and reached out to take the tissue he offered you. You hadn’t even realized that you’d started crying.

“Now… I’m going to ask you again, and I’m begging you to please be honest with me. I’m here to help you in any way I can,” he whispered.

You wiped your face, sinking your teeth into your lip.

“It’s...Harry.”

Steve’s face was pinched with concern.

“What is it? Are you having nightmares again-?”

“No, you don’t understand. He’s calling me,” you confessed.

Steve froze, blinking a few times before his eyes widened, your words finally registering. You sniffed, fighting to hold in a sob.

“It started weeks ago, before we ran into each other that night…”

You didn’t miss the disappointment that flitted over his features, lips pressed together.

“...and I know I should’ve said something then-.”

“You should’ve called me.”

“I know! I know, but… I don’t know. I just wanted to handle this on my own,” you quietly said.

He didn’t respond, and you turned your eyes towards the window.

“Last time...I wasn’t able to get away on my own. I wanted it to be different this time. At first, I simply blocked him but he kept calling and calling from different numbers. Then I got a new phone...and eventually another, but it’s still the same. He keeps finding me,” you tearfully told him. “...and today…”

Your eyes met his, and you were comforted by the concern you saw there.

“Today I was at the police station. That’s why I was late.”

Steve straightened up at this.

“I thought that maybe I could get a restraining order or maybe they could trace the calls to show that it’s him, but the whole visit was useless. They boiled it down to petty relationship drama, and since there’s no record of his violent behavior because I never reported anything…”

You shrugged, scoffing.

“There’s basically nothing they can do. The whole visit was a waste,” you spat.

Steve heaved a sigh, and he slowly reached out towards you, leaning forward.

“I didn’t ask before, but… Is it alright if I hold your hand?”

You nodded. That was what you liked about Steve. He was always asking for your consent with just about everything, even the simplest of things, and it was such a nice contrast to Harry who used to feel like he was entitled to your body. Steve took your hand, throwing you a comforting smile as he eyed you, worried.

“I wish that you had called me,” he said.

You looked down, guilt filling you.

“I could have helped you before it ever got to this point. I have friends on the force, friends in high places who could lock this creep up if you wanted.”

“I feel like an idiot.”

Of course Steve, Dr. Steven Rogers, knew people who could help you. Of course he did! Your stubbornness had gotten you far deeper into this than necessary. 

“What have I said about self deprecating language?”

“Sorry,” you murmured.

“You’re not an idiot. Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re just a woman trying to find her strength again.”

You hesitantly nodded, and he brushed his thumb over the back of your hand.

“I want you to get rid of your phone,” he suggested.

You frowned, and he continued before you could question him.

“I’ll work on getting a new one for you. A secure one under my name.”

You frowned, not liking the idea of being so indebted to him.

“Steve, I don’t know-.”

“It’ll only be temporary. You can use it until I talk to some people and have him properly dealt with.”

Even though you weren’t keen on the idea, you reluctantly agreed.

“...and you have to promise me one thing…”

You eyed him, holding his gaze as you waited for him to continue.

“Promise me that you’ll call me the second he bothers you again,” he proposed.

Accepting the fact that your stubbornness was doing you more harm than good, you nodded. Steve seemed pleased with that, and with one last pat on your hand, he let you go. As he guided you out of your office, your phone in his hand, you felt more hopeful than you had in over a month. You felt so silly for not seeking out his help sooner, and you couldn’t deny the weight that had been lifted from your shoulders as you settled into your car.

True to his word, at your next session, Steve presented you with a new phone. It had all of your important contacts with Steve being at the top of the list. Embarrassment had flooded you as you thanked him with tears in your eyes. The week without your phone had been the most peace you’d had in a while, and you finally got some much needed rest.

“You haven’t heard anything from him, have you?” he’d asked you.

“No,” you answered, shaking your head. “Not a peep.”

He threw you that same smile that always brought you comfort.

“Good. Even if you never do, you’re always free to call me,” he’d reminded you.

Finally deciding to let your stubbornness go, you did. Talking to Steve outside of your sessions was easier than you thought it’d be. It was like talking to a friend. Sometimes you’d meet up at that same coffee shop not too far from his office, and other times you’d be putting a quick meal together while he was on the other line, listening to you ramble. You soon realized that it wasn’t just his profession that made him that way, but Steve truly was an unbiased listener. He never judged you for any steps back in your progress nor for any of your more self deprecating thoughts.

Best of all, you hadn’t heard anything more from Harry.

Not until he knocked on your door one night.

It was late when you’d heard the pounding on the wood, and having been watching tv in your room, you wondered if you imagined it. It was only moments later that you’d heard it again. Your eyes had widened, sitting up in alarm. No one knew you lived here. Not even your mailman. All of your mail collected at a Post Office box before you eventually went to pick it up. You stood, standing in your room, trembling in fear before a knock on your bedroom window had you screaming.

You didn’t hesitate to call the police, and it took longer than you liked for them to arrive. All the while, you dealt with knocking and pounding on your window and door. Back and forth, it alternated with minutes in between before stopping altogether when the sound of sirens could be heard. Unsurprisingly, and frustratingly, the police didn’t find anyone.

“Look, we’ll get this report down to the station,” the brunette had told you, not looking concerned in the least.

Frustration filled you, and you shuffled on your feet.

“Can’t you...idk, have someone stay here? Not even the whole night but just a few hours in case they come back?”

The tall man sighed, and you glanced at his badge. Officer Barnes, you noted.

“With all due respect mam, we can’t just have one of our officers sitting in your yard because someone knocked on your door-.”

“I told you-!”

“I know, I know. The windows too,” he said, sounding exasperated, and your frown deepened. “The best we can do is get this down to the station. You’re more than welcome to call us again should anyone come back.”

You crossed your arms over your chest as they left, finding no relief. You swallowed as you thought about Steve. You didn’t want to, but Harry had found you, tormenting you by knocking on your house in the dead of night. This was exactly the reason Steve had given you his number. Swallowing down your stubbornness, and with a deep breath, you called him.

He didn’t sound like he was asleep, and for that you were grateful. You would’ve kicked yourself if you had woken him up. Finally getting out why you’d called him was an awkward affair, stumbling over your words, and you felt even worse as he agreed to come over. There was no hesitation, and you couldn’t help but feel as if you were taking advantage of Steve’s generosity. 

You mumbled out your address, surprised to realize how relieved you were. You couldn’t remember the last time you had trusted a man this much. Harry had made you so paranoid, but you supposed that was what therapy was for. This was why you had all those sessions with Steve. To learn to heal and to trust again.

You opened the door with a small smile when he finally pulled into your yard. He was dressed comfortably, and you felt much better about your own ratty t-shirt and leggings, but his casual attire made him no less striking. 

“Thank you,” you breathed as he stepped inside.

“I was up going over paperwork when you called. I’m glad you did,” he told you.

You leaned against the door as you closed it, rubbing your arms.

“I didn’t know if I should. It’s just… He was here, Steve. Knocking on my door and window like something out of a horror movie, and the police treated it like it was nothing,” you complained.

Steve tilted his head at you with a sad smile.

“First thing in the morning, I’m going to make some more calls. Since he’s in town, it should be easy to have him put away. At the very least, a restraining order.”

Relief and hope filled you as you brushed past him.

“I really can’t thank you enough for coming over. I promise I won’t keep you long, just until I feel I can be ok being alone,” you said over your shoulder.

He followed you into the kitchen.

“Can I get you anything to drink? Eat? It’s the least I can do.”

“Some wine might be nice. You might want to pour yourself a glass too,” he suggested.

You chuckled, and he joined you, but you agreed with him nonetheless. You poured a glass for both of you, and you leaned against the counter with a sigh.

“I just don’t understand why he can’t leave me alone. Hasn’t he put me through enough?”

Steve hummed.

“From what you’ve told me, he strikes me as a narcissist. I’d bet that he doesn’t want you to move on,” he mused.

“Maybe,” you distractedly replied as you heard your phone ring. “I’ll be right back. Let me grab that super quick, it might be Nakia.”

Your phone was in your room, but by the time you reached it, it had stopped ringing. Sure enough, it was a missed call from your best friend, and you brought your phone with you to the kitchen, determined to call her back. Steve’s eyes were fond when you returned, and you shrugged.

“I need to call her back. I’ll only be a moment,” you said, swiping your glass.

“Take all the time you need.”

You made your way to the living room, taking your place on the couch as you called her back. She answered almost immediately.

“Hey, what’s up?”

She greeted you with a soft exhale.

“Uh… Harry’s...dead.”

You froze at her words, pulling the glass away from your lips. You blinked a few times, trying to come to terms with what she’d said.

“...what?”

“I just found out. I honestly didn’t know how you’d take the news, but I thought you should know.”

She was right. You yourself didn’t even know how you felt about this news. You had loved this man at one point...but he was also your abuser. This was good news...right?

“How?” you finally asked her.

She sighed.

“Apparently, he’d been missing for months-.”

“Months?”

“Yeah,” she quietly replied. “They found and identified his body today. I just saw it on the news.”

Your stomach twisted as the truth, and the meaning behind it, sank in. Just because Harry had been missing for months, it didn’t mean that he’d been dead for months. It very well could have been him harassing you like you believed. But...if they’d found and identified his body today, then there was no way it was him at your house tonight.

“Thank you,” you eventually said. “Um… I’m glad you told me.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay,” you honestly replied. “I’m just a little unsure of how I feel about all of this, but I’ll call you tomorrow when I’ve slept on it.”

“Alright. Be safe.”

You said your goodbyes and returned to the kitchen with an empty glass.

“Everything okay?” Steve questioned.

Your face must have been an open book.

“Harry’s dead,” you scoffed, blinking as you still fought to process this.

Steve didn’t respond, and just like one of your sessions, he seemed to be waiting for you to continue.

“Apparently he’d been missing for months and they just identified his body today. There’s no way it could have been him knocking on my door tonight, and now...now I’m even more scared than I was before,” you confessed. “God, I can’t even fully come to terms with my feelings on this because I’m realizing that Harry might not have been the only thing I should’ve been afraid of.”

“Hey,” Steve soothingly said, nearing you. “Are you sure it wasn’t someone who got lost? Maybe they had the wrong house?”

You thought about it before shaking your head.

“No, it definitely didn’t seem like that. Oh my God,” you cried, letting your head fall into your hands.

Steve pulled you into his arms, startling you, but you eventually relaxed, the wine settling into your system nicely.

“It’s going to be alright-.”

“What if it isn’t? Because I’m the idiot who thought that Harry was the only possible danger out there, I’ve attracted another without even realizing it.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothed. “Maybe it was nothing, and maybe it was more. Either way, I’m only a phone call away. Say the word, and I’ll have an officer living in your yard if need be.”

You chuckled at that, and nodded.

“Thank you,” you said, looking at him. “I-.”

You swallowed your words when his lips met yours, soft and demanding as they moved against your own. You were stunned, and it took you a moment to realize just what was happening before you pulled away. You stared at Steve with wide eyes, hesitantly reaching up to touch your lips as you took a step back.

“Steve…”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he breathed.

Your lips parted, a soft gasp escaping you at both his words and the fire in his gaze. It was so sudden and great that it froze you.

“Steve, I think… I think you should go,” you whispered, almost in disbelief.

He frowned at you, tilting his head just a tad as he folded his arms over his chest.

“Go? Why would I do that when you’re not feeling well?”

You opened your mouth to repeat yourself, even demand to know what he meant, but a sudden wave of nausea hit you, head feeling fuzzy. Steve caught you just as you stumbled, and you frowned, fighting to get out of his arms.

“What…?”

“You seemed really tense. I thought you could use something to take the edge off…”

You stared at him in disbelief, attempting to blink away the stars in your vision. Your legs felt like they were made of Jell-O as Steve guided you towards the living room. He deposited you on the couch, and you could hardly do anything as he laid you down, sitting beside you. His blue eyes, normally so soft and comforting, were dark with a longing you had never seen before.

“You were like a wounded little lamb when you first came to me,” he murmured, brushing his thumb over your lip. “So lost...broken… It’s because of me that you’re even halfway back together again.”

His hands moved to slowly undress you, taking his time, and your hands might as well had been air as you tried to stop him. You shuddered as the cool air in the house hit you, nipples pebbling, even more so when Steve brushed his fingers over them.

“I wanted to wrap you in my arms during that first session. Drag you back as you tried to leave, show you how a woman should be touched by a man.”

You were in a state of shock, disbelief coursing through you as you watched Steve undress. Even at his age, the man was a wall of muscle, thick bands making you swallow in fear as you hopelessly tried to tell yourself that this was a dream.

“Steve,” you whispered.

“I had to be patient. I didn’t want to scare you off, push you into the arms of another dangerous man. I had to help you heal before showing the kind of man I can be for you,” he told you, fingers on your face as he neared you again.

Your whole body felt weighed down, and you couldn’t stop your tears even if you wanted to. Your touch was light as you pressed your hands to his chest, feeling like you were going to be sick as he settled over you.

“Harry is gone. He can’t hurt you anymore, and I’m going to make sure no one ever hurts you again.”

The irony was not lost on you, but the way he said that struck something in you, and your mind traveled to the unthinkable. You didn’t get the chance to think about it some more before Steve was forcing himself inside of you. A choking noise escaped you as he filled you to the hilt, your legs spread wide to accommodate his frame. Steve released a shuddering breath, breathing through his nose, body trembling as he delighted in the feel of you wrapped around him.

It was amazing that while all of your senses felt dulled, you could feel his pulsing member inside of you so well. He surrounded you, bulky frame caging you in, and you felt like you would pass out from suffocation. Steve sighed just before his lips met yours, and your stomach clenched as he moved within you. A broken moan slipped out against your will, and Steve groaned at the sound.

“I’ll show you pleasure that you’ve never known, touch you in ways you never felt. I know how to make you happy,” he purred, his pace languid as he thrust in and out of you.

You turned your head away, the furniture of your living room blurring together from whatever he’d slipped into your drink.

“I know your deepest desires and your deepest fears. I know you better than anyone else out there…”

You hated that in a way, Steve was right. You’d bared yourself to him under the guise of trust and healing. He really did know all there was to know about you, and you hated yourself for it. You hated him for hiding his intentions so well, for taking advantage of your vulnerability and trauma. He tutted as you started to squirm beneath him.

“After all I’ve done for you...in all the ways I’ve helped you, the least you could do is give yourself to me. I deserve to reap the benefits of my efforts-.”

You gasped beneath him, legs kicking around him, but he only pressed himself more firmly against you.

“...I’ve gone out of my way to make sure you were safe, to protect you so that no more threats remained to you nor our relationship.”

“You’re crazy-.”

You cut yourself off with a yelp as he nipped at your neck, jerking in his hold as he continued to snap his hips into yours. His hands were gentle on you, a contrast to how he fucked you, his pace increasing with every passing minute. Despite the fact that you could hardly move, he wrapped his arms around you, holding you in place as the sound of your coupling filled the room, your core now wet and slick from his ministrations.

Steve seemed intoxicated, blissfully immersed in the feel of you and how you clung to him. His low groans and moans filled your ear, and you could do nothing as he covered your lips again, tongue tasting you, moaning at the taste of wine that still remained.

“My touch will never cause you harm, bringing you nothing but pleasure for the rest of our lives.”

~

tags:  @xoxabs88xox​ @harryspet​ @readermia​ @opheliadawnwalker3​ @nickyl316h​ @captainchrisstan​ @sebabestianstan101​ @villanellevi​ @lokislastlove​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @coconutqueen21​ @hurricanerin​ @hyoyeoniie​ @sherrybaby14​ @cocoamoonmalfoy​ @mandiiblanche​ @gotnofucks​ @oneoftheprettynerds​ @doozywoozy​ @sapphirescrolls​ @threeminutesoflife​ @searchforanotherway​ @mcudarklibrary​ @buckybarnesplumwhore​ @widowsmaximoff​ @nerdygirl8203​  @supernaturalwintersoldier​ @charmed-asylum  @harrysthiccthighss​ @patzammit​

#dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader

[verydedaccount]

Remade because someone said one old head canon I had was toxic, I did my own research and realized they were kinda right so REMADE ADDITION.

-Laurance is Latino and sometimes sings Spanish songs to Garroth to help him sleep

-Garroth (after everything that happened with Ein) wakes up at least once every night from nightmares and Laurance always does his best to calm him

-Laurance wakes up before Garroth and tends to make him coffee

-Laurance is typically reserved and quiet with his relationships but with his and Garroth's he's not, he's all "this is my boyfriend and if you don’t like it you can kiss my ass" and Garroth loves him for it

-Garroth is 6'2 and Laurance is 5'9 but Laurance is the tougher of the two (since he was part of the Shadow Knights and old habits die hard)

-Garroth has eaten flowers before and has almost eaten a pine cone, though Laurance was able to stop him from that (not based off of my friends and I, totally not *sips wine*)

-(sorta nsfw? it involves nudity but i don’t think it is) Laurance and Garroth have taken a bath together complete with tall scented candles and BUBBLES (cuz bubble bath)

-Laurance has a scar on the bridge of his nose that he refuses to talk about and Garroth liked putting kisses or cute band-aids/stickers on it

-Laurance grew his hair out just so he could sassy hair flip

-Garroth practices different hair styles on Laurance, usually resulting in chaotic disaster

-Garroth has VERY soft hair and Laurance loves to play with it

-Laurance is incredibly clingy in his sleep, either grabbing onto Garroth's abdomen or arms and Garroth thinks its adorable

-the two actually kept their relationship a secret for a month because of Aphmau and Nana. No explanation needed.

-Laurance likes how makeup looks but hates how it feels, but sometimes you might catch him with bright blue lipstick, or you'll catch Garroth with bright blue kiss marks all on his face

-Garroth has adorable face chub and sometimes Laurance just squeezes his cheeks with no context

-Cadenza told Garroth, point blank, "if you hurt him I will break your nose" and Garroth stared at her, blinked, and then said "if you get to me before I do then go ahead"

-Caleb, being like 5, doesn't fully understand Garroth and Laurance's relationship, he just knows that some people will treat them differently and he has defended them in public so much so that Laurance had to physically remove him before he got all three of them harassed

-Zane found out by walking in on the two of them bein all cuddly and cute. Instead of saying anything to anyone, he just gave them cocky, all knowing side glances to torment them until they were ready to come out with their relationship

-Laurance, having anger issues, will excuse himself from family dinners (his dad being homophobic and his mom trying to get him to, for lack of better words, NOT BE THAT-) and Garroth always joins him to make sure he's alright, comforting kisses and hugs ensue :3

-Laurance's mom makes Laurance and Garroth matching Christmas sweaters every. Fucking. Year. and Laurance and Garroth pretend to love them for her sake-

-when Zianna and Garte (Garroth's parents for those unaware) found out about their relationship, Garte was hesitant towards it until a conversation with Laurance ended with "anything you wanna say about us being together being wrong I've heard it all before so just save it. We don't need to hear it and Garroth shouldn't have to hear it." and Garte's response was just a concerned "oh lord-"

-Garroth was originally very self conscious and worried about their relationship, having been cheated on in the past, and Laurance allowed him to go through his phone for a bit until Garroth was comfortable with it (which only took about 2 weeks) and relaxed about it.

-Zianna's reaction to Garroth and Laurance's relationship was just "oh how lovely! My oldest is finally dating someone decent!"

-Garroth and Laurance are rarely found apart, usually one or the other is laying/sitting with/on the other

-Garroth and Laurance have tried baking before and after almost setting their kitchen on fire, the two decided to just leave the baking to Nana, Zane, and Aphmau

-whenever Laurance is out on errands he always gets himself and Garroth coffee, and sometimes even a cake-pop (those things are so fuckin good-)

-Zane is actually supportive of the relationship, but he'll insist that it's only because Laurance makes Garroth happy

-Laurance is very shy and anxious when telling waiters that his orders are wrong and, for a while, has just eaten it anyway. Whenever he and Garroth are out, however, Garroth always tells the waiters when they get his boyfriends order wrong in a very calm and respective tone (unlike some people-)

-Garroth loves cats and has cat themed pajamas and slippers, Laurance thinks its adorable

-Laurance hates sitting normally in chairs/on sofas, not for any particular reason, he just doesn't like it. Garroth, on the other hand, prefers sitting properly. This came to ahead when, at Garroth's first therapy appointment, the therapist came to collect Garroth and found Laurance sitting upside down and almost on the floor. Garroth just responded with "don't mind him" and Laurance said "whats up doc?"

-Garroth loves and spoils Caleb a little... a lot.

-Garroth has cute sweat shirts with paw prints or cute little lines where as Laurance's sweat shirts consists of skulls and horror movie characters like Chucky and Annabell

-Laurance has a huge fear of heights and Garroth had no idea until the two were stuck at the top of a Ferris wheel for 30 DAMN MINUTES and Laurance had a panic attack, complete with sobbing and clinging to Garroth. Garroth then promised that they would never go on the ride or rides like it again.

-Garroth loves to hold Laurance whenever he's asleep just because he looks adorable and peaceful

#garrance #garrence #ship #ship headcanons #ship prompt #aphmau ships #lgbt ships #gay #fictional gays #fictional lgbt #lgbt otp #lgbt fiction #lgbt headcanons #garroth x laurance #aphmau laurance #Laurance Zvhal #garroth ro'meave #garrothromave #aphmau garroth

[thebeautysurrounds]

THIS CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR NEVER HAVE I EVER S2 READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is quite long I had a lot to unpack.

Since watching the 2nd season of Never Have I Ever a few things have been bothering me about the way people are reacting to Devi, and the show overall but mostly Devi. First of all she’s what a sophomore in high school? and she’s doing this all while being the only brown girl (up until kinda the middle of S2) and still dealing with grief and having absolutely no idea who she is yet. To me outside of being an honor roll student she is not doing things FOR HER she is doing this to appease her mother. Who while she means well pushing Devi to succeed to certain extremes which if Devi shows the slightest behavior of fucking up her mother makes harsh comments instead of understanding Devi is a literal teenager and needs room for fucking up.

Is Devi hella unreasonable at times? YES does she often times act strictly on impulse without a second thought…YES. But as a girl who virtually has no one outside of her friends who also are staring to drift from her and get into their first relationships themselves and have their own activities she essentially is left to navigate the world and her teenage angst alone. While I will give Nalini credit for all the work and time she has put in to not only being a single mother and navigating her own grief but also being a working mother who is a doctor and quite possibly has her own struggles with being a brown women in that filed. My problem lies with her not being able to balance or even let go of a strong arm parenting style that mostly focuses on Devi’s fuck up more than her accomplishments and makes comments on how her fuck ups that haven’t even happened yet. I’m not sure Nalini even realizes Devi is at the very very top of her class because I truly believe (after S1) even though Nalini apologized to Devi Nalini has a ‘hoping for the best but expecting the worst’ attitude when it comes to Devi and that’s in the for front of her mind so much she doesn’t realize Devi goes above and beyond not only for herself but to make her mother proud of her all for her mother to just not acknowledge that.

Now with Devi’s characterization I get where some people are coming from on saying Devi shouldn’t have been “boy crazy” or that they “ruined her character development” but here’s my problem those critiques while valid and your allowed to have those opinions…It’s just not really realistic and let me tell you why like I stated Devi is what a sophomore in high school and she has made it a abundantly clear her parents forbid her to date cause it’s school and extra curriculars only. Which will lead to a good college which thus will turn into a good career. While that’s all well and good. I don’t think y’all realize the FOMO of being in high school and growing up with very strict parents, and wanting to have your first relationship. Wanting to be an actual teenager and not wanting to think about 3-4 years down the line which most teenagers don’t/can’t visualize cause it’s not the right now. Devi wants to have those experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that does she go about it the right way…not exactly but y’all act like YOU have never been a teenager and said and done awful things out of anger or just pure immature stupidity. For the boy crazy part Devi is literally having her first feelings and experiences with boys she has 0 clue what she is doing outside of probably books, tv, movies and what her friends assume they know (even though they mean well) the only person Devi would remotely trusts is gone, and she can’t ask her mother cause her mother would honestly probably shut her down and make her feel guilty for even wanting to start having her first experiences with boys. Y’all have such a warped view of not only real teenagers and high school aged kids but also fictional ones. Y’all are so use to shows having protagonist being awful or starting off kinda okay but then their character turns awful and remains that way. What some of you fail to realize is actual teenagers and “teenagers” in shows can/are VERY morally grey. 

Should Devi have been honest and possibly communicated to both Ben and Paxton that she has some sort of feelings for them both..possibly but Devi is a teenager do you think she is having a in depth analysis and talk with herself (outside of a pros and cons list) about what infatuation versus lust versus genuine connection versus romantic attraction looks like probably not. Let’s also analyze how she literally goes from being in her eyes forgettable to being noticed and even though it’s not talked about in the show explicitly she honestly probably struggles with self esteem/self image issues. To go from being a girl who to her no one cares about/notices to one who is getting the attention of two boys who are in Devi’s eyes attractive in their own right. She is so consumed with two guys ACTUALLY being interested in her that she fails to realize she is/and will hurt them both, Do I think Paxton is genuinely attracted to Devi…maybe. But I’m still on the fence about their relationship to me in the beginning I felt Paxton felt Devi is just another meaningless high school fling that he will forget about once he gets to college but to Devi here’s this guy who is “popular” very attractive and he pays attention to her is she looking at the semantics of the situation and how Paxton is more than likely just using her and is only engaging with Devi to get a passing grade and to basically give her the superficial experience of a “high school boyfriend” no she’s not she’s looking at it like here’s this guy who is attractive and he wants to be with someone like me. But do I also believe Devi in S1 was using Paxton and then fell for him DEFINITELY but I will give credit to Paxton for trying at a real relationship with Devi and I hope he will try to be more open and honest.

Do I think Ben likes Devi I honestly do, While the insensitive jokes (exchanged between both) should be discussed I think Ben over time started to see Devi as a girl who finally saw him not the rich, annoying, know it all. But in his view Devi and him are on equal playing fields because they are both overly driven smart individuals and when she said yes to going out with him it was probably the first time he felt like a girl saw the real him. While Ben too more than likely struggles with abandonment issues him dating Devi in a way made him feel like this was the first time he could actual be happy about something cause it was something he actually wanted and not something he just did to earn points in others books and impress people he genuinely got something on his own and that he was actually happy not a front he put on. To me Ben’s abandonment issues come out even more than in S1 when he tells Devi why he’s so hurt and it’s the night of the party when she runs after Paxton (who he sees has it all) and Devi doesn’t “choose him” Do I think Ben and Devi should date cause they share some form of the same trauma no. But again Devi is not use and doesn’t even know what to do with the attention of two people. Again is Devi looking at the semantics of her relationship with Ben…No. I don’t think Devi even realizes she’s quite literally hurting two people cause we could also discuss how Ben and Paxton probably have had other flings and relationships without a second thought while Devi having no relationship experiences and this is territory for her and she has no idea what she is doing or how to properly navigate this situation.

I’m almost done with this long ass rant I promise but it’s two more things I want to make light of/point out I don’t think anyone really gives Devi credit for still going to therapy, loosing a parent is unbearable especially loosing one as young as Devi did, especially when you feel the only parent that truly understood and supported you is gone. Devi doing things that are impulsive and unreasonable because she quite literally has no guidance her mother is only consumed with Devi not making the family “look bad” Devi’s grief is so heavy and she feels she’s going at it alone because her mother doesn’t take genuine time to talk to her. Now was Devi “stalking” her mother extremely inappropriate yes for sure but do Nalini and her need to communicate better for Devi to understand that her mother wasn’t dating sure even if Nalini was on a date their should have been communication there. Devi will probably never stop grieving her father hell he literally came to her in a dream to tell her she deserves better when it came to “dating” Paxton and Nalini will probably never stop grieving her husband but she deserves happiness too and I believe if Devi and Nalini were both honest with each other her slowly dating again wouldn’t have been a problem. Another point I wanna make connecting Devi, Paxton, and Ben is they all have this view that the grass is greener on the other side and that’s just not the case. Ben is jealous of Paxton cause he feels he has the “Perfect life” but in actuality Paxton is extremely flawed and honestly insecure his own family doesn’t believe in him and he knows people only like him because he is attractive, while Paxton looks at Ben like this, while annoying Ben is smart, rich, and no one ever questions Ben’s intelligence but in actuality Ben is very lonely and has spent most of his life alone or being raised by other people which has caused him to put on a huge front to people and often times overcompensate in his social life, and Devi looks at other girls like they have it all and have 0 struggles or problems (I.e her views on Anissa) but Devi fails to realize thy also struggle, are insecure, is struggling with mental illness, and don’t have themselves figured out, and Devi is looking at this man her mom is “dating” as if he’s taking something away but In actuality he is experiencing his own losses. All in all Never Have I Ever gets teenage angst and messy problematic morally grey teenagers right and the fact that y’all beg for more “flawed or problematic” characters and when you get them you don’t like that they are just that it’s odd to me it seems like y’all only want problematic characters if it’s how you see fit.

TL;DR: Y’all need to stop acting like y’all weren’t gross annoying and had fuck ups as teenagers y’all should really stop pretending like teenagers in real and some of us as teens didn’t have/engage in relationships that weren’t good but we learned from it while this show isn’t real it shows y’all will scream let people fuck up and let them grow but you don’t actually mean it. Devi is a teenager and requires room to grow she even admits she acts out and is impulsive but y’all act like she’s supposed to have the self awareness of a 60 year old.

#netflix never have i ever #never have i ever season 2 #tv show #never have i ever #devi vishwakumar #paxton hall yoshida #ben gross #nalini vishwakumar #maitreyi ramakrishnan #darren barnet #Poorna Jagannathan #jaren lewison #rant #analysis #spoilers #never have I ever spoilers #I wrote this at like 2am so if it doesn’t make much sense 🤷🏾‍♀️ #I just had to get these thoughts out there cause it’s been on my mind

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 14-20 thoughts!! I finished up s1 :D these last few eps were actually really really good!!!

-did. did tucker really just say esperanto was a dead language only spoken as a secret code between geeks. google says around 100,000 people actively speak it. oh my god...it being an auxiliary language doesn't mean its 'just for geeks to speak in code' ...it helps bridge gaps between people who don't have a language in common...

-danny really isn't pulling punches when it comes to fighting the ghost-cop possessed people huh. like he SLAMMED KWAN INTO THE CONCRETE SO HARD. HE THREW PAULINA INTO A BILLBOARD. will that...I mean it WOULD carry over to their bodies non-possessed, right? like if the ghost piloting their bodies gets hurt?? itd be so upsetting to be possessed, lose time, then wake up covered in bruises (and possibly, broken bones??) real horror movie stuff im sure wont be addressed in any way

-tuckers parents seem nice! I like them :)

-WULF IS CUTE AND I FEEL BAD. im so glad the gang realized he was only causing trouble bc of the shock collar walker put on him and helped. also, him wearing that big hoodie with the hood on, and thinking its subtle. we can tell youre still a giant wolfie :) THEN GETTING SUCKED INTO THE PORTAL AAAAH :( anxiously waiting to see Him Again....

-DANNY BLASTING HIS PARENTS THINKING THEY WERE OVERSHADOWED LMFAO GET THEIR ASSES. maddie marking how many ghosts she gets with lipstick tallies on the side of her portal gun? kindaaa iconic tho. (ALSO, SHE WAS LIKE, 2 FT AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT AFTER SHE TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. HOW DO YOU NOT RECONINZE YOUR OWN SON??? like sure, he might have diff hair/eye colors. but like, if one of my family members dyed their hair, and was wearing contacts, its not like id be like 'wHO IS THIS STRANGER!!!' ...he still has all his facial features!! same everything!!! I hate it here)

-paulina being #1 girl realizing danny's a friendly ghost immediately. smart queen. lancer and kwan ran away right after he made this sweet baby face at them:

which is hilarious.

-ok. im not saying his bullying is JUSTIFIED, but. dash looked so pleased with the (cute!) poster he just painted, and danny comes thru the wall and spills paint on his nice letterman jacket. his anger is justified maybe 65% of the time so far...(not the way he handles it, but STILL.) at least lancer is stepping in!! and them making a silly little bet was...cute?? until dash pulled out his GROSS UNDERWEAR AND SAID DANNY WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEM???? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. TUCKER WAS SO RIGHT ITS FUCKING WEIRD TO CARRY THOSE AROUND EWWW. THIS KID IS UNWELL. lancer was right, his animatronic setup was SUPER IMPRESSIVE?? hes actually pretty creative. danny meanwhile is stealing the fright knight's design...I hope dash is taking art classes or smth with his sports

-fright knight is the most bestest ghost so far i LOVE THAT DESIGN. I am biased towards knights, and characters with swords, but he fucks so severely. and should sue danny for copyright infringement for stealing his design for his haunted house. if some 14 yr old broke into MY house and stole MY sword, id also be pissed. his evil winged unicorn rules too with its FANGS. and he just CAN SHOVE THE PORTAL OPEN WITH HIS HANDS??? is he the strongest ghost weve seen so far? idk but hes my fav. SOUL SHREDDER IS SUCH A COOL SWORD NAME TOO. ANY NAMED SWORD ALSO FUCKS. 'flaming bedsheets of DEATH' funny king. ALSO he was polite to dash and tucker when just asking for directions and telling tucker 'oh maybe, just a suggestion, maybe be nicer to me and be more respectful :)' I LOOOVE HIM.

-I noticed this in the Ember ep, but jazz has an electric guitar in her room!! talent musical queen!! its cool to see hobbies just in the bg.

-fright knight's murder castle reminds me of the booby trapped murder castle in zexal!! another supposedly 'for kids' show with murder/trap castles! we love that. if you are a dp fan reading this, give yugioh zexal a try. its also got 13-14 year old protags and involves (alien) ghosts. the cardgame is just a vessel for the plot, which is really good. (I just want more people to watch my fav yugioh, man)

-danny. with a SWORD.

-danny doesnt NEED TO WIN this contest, dash didnt STEAL HIS DESIGNS AND STEAL A SWORD. he also got excited to hear lancer got sent to a dimension with his worst fears too just so he could win the contest? DANNY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! BRO MAYBE YOURE 14 AND HAVENT FULLY DEVOLPED YOUR WHOLE BRAIN YET, BUT...THATS FUCKED. this kid casually says the most deranged things, I do worry for my spooky son. once again, therapy needed. that judo toss was great tho. I wonder if he actually did pick up some martial arts stuff from his mom?

-danny can fly 112 mph!!! thats so fast! I love the lil montage of him and his friends testing his abilities and stuff, very cute and a good way to showcase what he can do by now and how much more proficient he's gotten from ep 1!!! I'm sure he's going to get more abilities :)

-im glad...maddie's at least TRYING this ep. I do feel for her because her husband is a man baby. but the fact it took 16 episodes to get a kinda semblance of any kind of real concern or attempts at bonding. hmm. jack's 'BACK OFF SHES A MINOR' @ the ghost trying to attack jazz. also was very funny. and him wanting to make an action figure of her? are the parents redeeming themselves to me? slightly. they gotta Work Harder

-THE GHOST. IS FLYING. THE PLANE.

-fenton machete. but she doesnt carry a PHONE??? ???

-I mean I expected vlad when you namedrop him earlier in the ep, and also the title card picture, and dalv corp being fucking vlad backwards. but seeing him just pull up on a golf cart made me bust out laughing. WITH the gift baskets prepared. why wouldnt you at least be suspicious. also, if he wants danny to be his lil sonboy, why is he so fucking malicious?? dude you are going about this in such a bad way. stop it. get some help.

-maddie not even hesitating to drag danny out. fucking good. danny is so right, go on the internet to date. get a cat. how do you spend...how many years?? has it been since college?? at least 20, right, since the parents/vlad are in their 40s? hung up on ONE girl. my god, man. incel drama queen. her kung fu IS impressive, but dude. 'we both know hes a creep' SO right. it sucks but they do need a phone and shit being in the middle of NOWHERE. also, just stealing his helicopter was great. <3

-'you must be exhausted carrying the weight of that mistake you made years ago' 'well we all make mistakes. maybe I'll make one now!' WHY DID THIS EXHCHANGE SEND ME. AND VLAD WITH THE BREATH SPRAY EWWW BITCH. 'OLD BAIT BREATH' SOO RIGHT. both danny and his mom playing him HAHAH hes so dumb. or rather, I think he thinks with his emotions too too much and is...actually pretty gullible? lmao he believed danny was ready to give in SO fast. (which is sad hes that hopeful, like you have SO MUCH MONEY YOU COULD EASILY GET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HAS A KID. AND WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND BE SUPPORTED. GET OVER THIS (1) WOMAN ALREADY IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT AAAAH)

-GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR. it was also in the title card, but I still got very excited. we love bears here

-SAM'S BAT SWIMSUIT COVERUP!!! her outfits are simply iconic.

-'i'd tell you to go to the mens room, but I don't think you qualify' top paulina transphobic moments. :( and him wearing a tanktop to the swim park? hmmm! (actually I think she was overshadowed by then, so, KITTY top 10 transphobic moments??)

-kitty just piloting paulina around makes me feel SO bad tho, paulina's gonna wake up and be like 'wtf do you mean I was dating this rando' like youre leading danny on to make johnny jealous, and also just POSSESSING POOR PAULINA. dude take your relationship problems ELSEWHERE. last time we saw them, they seemed like such a cute couple!! wtf johnny!! I mean, she sucks for trying to make him jealous, he sucks for looking at other girls...maybe they need a break, but Not Like This. or, you know, just. better communication...

-and the A-listers having a full packet and a stamp system. who organizes this. kwan fucking owning being the new danny though, this is hysterical. THE TUCKER/KWAN FLOWER FIELD TWIRL. UNIRONICALLY ADORABLE. and him giving it his all for the poetry slam. bless his HEARTTTT.

-Star owns. actually, all of the extra characters are shining this ep and I love it.

-INVISO-BILL??? NOOOO THEY DID HIM SOO DIRTY. DANNY SWEETIE IM SO SORRY.

-johnny and danny bein friends and staging a fake fight (which danny takes too seriously, once again this child has aggression he NEEDS TO WORK OUT) I hope these three stay friends, I said it before but danny needs more friendly ghosts to hang with.

-at this point, Danny's ghost enemies are a lot like, I dunno, batman's rouge gallery is the first thing that comes to mind. they all have their own gimmick and unique designs, but most of them are easy to beat after learning the Moral Lesson. I still get excited when any of them show up again, though. 18 is another valerie episode!!!! :D skulker really said you two will get along if I have to handcuff you together <3 and the gym teacher really said, youre married now, have a flour baby! ngl, I'm not really watching this show for the shipping stuff (which I am very scared to look at the fandom for after I finish this watch through- I feel like there's probably discourse/arguing about ships...) but. I'm gonna put my opinion out there. valerie/danny > sam/danny. maybe I just really love the enemies to lovers trope. And the secret identity stuff adds Extra Flavor.

-SKULKER JUST HAVING THE BOX GHOST AND DANGLING HIM BY A STRING. HILARIOUS. and him watching them with binoculars and making his silly little commentary. AND MAKING THE SACK BABY CRY. LMAO. THIS DUDE IS A BABY KIDNAPPER. skulker is super fun

-danny, you just...collapsed the water tower. and then attacked the nasty burger machine...mascot thingy...out of anger..I KEEP SAYING HE'S GOT ANGER ISSUES BUT. HE REALLY NEEDS A LESSON IN MANAGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!! So does valerie!! They're both pretty focused on each other. I mean it's good of Danny to say he's trying to make sure PEOPLE don't get hurt, but... (I mean I guess it's not something 14 year olds WOULD worry about, but as an adult im like, who's going to fix that? how much money will that take??)

-TUCKER MAKING BANK. and sam and tucker being super emotionally attached to their flour baby and being pretty good parents. that's cute...also him just straight kissing her and being like. WAIT. O_O JDSKAFHD. his mom baking them into cookies was the funniest possible result. tbh I dont feel like this is on tucker, if anything the other kid's shouldve been more responsible! He was just taking an opportunity to get that $$ which I respect

-Danny being more understanding of Valerie's situation in the end (helping her at her job, too, and trying to keep that a secret for her!!!) And seeing them work together this ep, and also her letting phantom get her out of the ghost zone...was very sweet. LOVE that. more valerie eps pls

-me when I realize vlad's big stupid house exploded because of his own carelessness with changing the ghost portal ectofiltrator or whatever: *pointing and laughing*

-me when I realize it means he's gonna go make danny's life hell for it somehow: >:(

-SCOOBY PARODY!!! I feel like there's gotta be some scooby doo/danny phantom crossover stuff, right? also, 'guys in white' men in black wishes

-'oh, that's right! dad married the love of your life! you're bitter and alone!' DANNNNNYY GET HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN WE ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING AT VLAD

-'jack, you captured the ghost boy!!' UMM. he did nothing <3 'we have a weapon's vault??' YOU HAVE A WEAPONS VAULT??? and jack didnt put a handle on the inside. of fucking course he didnt! why would you leave that to your son!! or expect him to clean YOUR LAB when its where you work with probably dangerous chemicals and weapons and hes 14!! give him normal chores, like, I dunno, vacuuming, laundry, dishes...CMON. I hate it here. But I'm glad Jack is more chill about danny while he's a ghost, and willing to work with him for this ep. AND. I DID ENJOY JACK PUNCHING VLAD IN THE FACE. AND GENERALLY JUST OWNING HIM. the ghost punchy fists are actually amazing. like yeah, just punch a ghost in the face. that rules.

-ep 20 opens with the coolest fucking ghost lady design. her tattoos can come off and fight. MA'AM. I like ur nose ring and your cape maam hello 👉👈😳

-sam's grandma is hilarious and the most valid member of her family and I love her. thats my grandma now. and tucker covering for sam by dressing as her. thats true friendship <3 also skipping school to go to a goth circus. just bestie things! sam's parents are haters but for all the wrong reasons.

-'my family has controlled ghosts with this for generations!' WAIT. WAIT FREAKSHOW /ISNT/ A GHOST? I didn't expect that...he's just a fucked up guy controlling ghosts? anyway watching danny shoot at police cars and rob banks while mind controlled. its like, the most stereotypical 'bad' things lmao. (tbh an evil ghost circus troupe is a sick concept)

this gives off big deviantart emo edit vibes

(I'm going to assume evil circus reaper danny has a lot of fan content. people love an edgy au, except this one is canon (even tho its via mind control...having the protag go evil otherwise might be hard, I guess?) but au where he stays with the troupe...that has to exist, right?)

ANYWAY. excited to start s2!! lowkey surprised by how many notes some of these posts have gotten. I've gone back and tagged them all with 'dp thoughts' so they're easier to find on my blog! ^^ and I will probably possibly do (more) fanart on my art blog after I finish the watch of the whole show, so like. @sanchoyodraws follow my art blog :)

#sanchoyorambles #danny phantom #dp thoughts

[walkingtaetrash]

THOUGHTS ON GILMORE GIRLS:

i have so much to say y’all regarding gilmore girls. I LOVE this show. i have a very tension filled hatred for some parts but most of all LOVE.

after watching seven whole seasons of these girls lives, i have to say i truly understand the complexities of these characters. we’re not even gonna get into the years of a our lives thing, no this is about the freaking original. god, the amount of shit that rory did, lorelai did, chris did, luke did, emily and richard, I MEANNNN god it’s a lot

1. Rory.

gosh this girl was so frustratingly annoying. a perfect gem and pearl in the first year, and then later she becomes a nuisance. but what i truly see is her finally getting out of that naivety/handholding/dewy eyed phase and onto things like being a teen. this girl really stole a boat and got it on her record and what i hated about the show is that they never bring it up again. like that def affected her getting into places bUT NOOOOO. they wanna paint her out as some saint. i think the only sympathy i have to her behavior is that she was growing into who she was. i thought thank goodness Jess screamed at the girl to go back to yale because Logan wasn’t gonna do it!! gosh the whole relationships this girls gone thru, ruining deans marriage, cheating on logan with jess and making jess sad, going back to logan again and again after he treated her like crap? like NO honey that’s toxicityyyyyy. anyways she was annoying but at the end i love her.

2. lorelai.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN. no matter how many times she screwed up i could never stop loving this woman. does this mean i have bias ? YES. sorry y’all. i just related so much to these two. the dynamic of a single mom and her kid spoke so much to me and my mom. but also i am not like lor and rory, i’m more like lor and emily. i have the same mommy issues, caffeine addiction, and a incessant need to ramble on about god knows what. i do not have the sexy, charming wit she has, but i do think i’m funny and i talk a lot (i mean look at this long ass text post) BUT she’s just so beautiful and wonderful. she went thru so much for rory and made her into the kid she is today and just was so understanding. i wish she gave emily grace but at the end like i truly get why she was always so frustrated. there were times where she was excessive but damn it i get her. i love her and luke. why tf did jason happen. also the chris marriage so nasty, but all in all she deserves love and to be cherished.

3. luke

this man holds my heart gosh damn it, i love him. i don’t know why april came into his life, maybe to add some spice. i think he never would’ve forgotten to wear a condom lowkey he’s so responsible. but hey, whatever the show includes. i think he handled that part so well tho , and only fighting for partial custody , i truly loved that. he didn’t wanna make it a big thing cause he knows that april needs her mom, but i thought it was rude that Anna (ew), someone who knew Luke’s character, and knows what kind of guy he is, would not tell him he had a kid. and then expects him not wanna be a dad? like he is the ultimate “i wanna make sure everything’s done right on my end, i’ll always do what i think is right” type of guy. he did that with jess i mean come on. i love his anger about things cause it reminds me of my own dad, and like i wish there was more complexity to him, but i think he repetitive nature suited him. he had a lot of chaos in his life and tranquility in the small things in life like routine and filling the salt shakers really helped him feel grounded and have a sense of control. i love him, the most caring dude in the world, and i would want him on my side in a war.

4. dean

we gotta start somewhere for rory’s boyfriends. i think he was a good first boyfriend, treated her right, but goSH DAMN IT HE WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING LATER ON. see i even started watching gilmore girls cause jared padalecki was in it, and i was so awestruck by it cause of the characters but DAMN if a character could be even more annoying. dean was not into the things rory was into and they had no spark, but they had comfortability and it was sweet and he helped lorelai out a lot and treated her good, but he legit was so clingy and all that shit later on. and like he wasn’t even trying wiyh life with her in it either and it just frustrated me. he messed up a marriage for her, it’s so wrong man. like ugh.

5. jess

if i could hug someone i would hug him omg. he looks like he smells like those manly colognes, books, and hair products but the fruit scented kind like coconuts and berries that he’s embarrassed to tell you about. gosh he is such a character. i love him so much and he went thru so much as a kid and i wish he never had that scene of pressuring rory cause that was a HUGE ick but all in all, he just had to go to therapy and know he could make it big. i wish they input his story more and that whole outfit at the poetry house thing was vomit, the hair and goatee made me choke i was like this aint you bby boy, but alas they had to make him look like those 2000 poet guys (i mean it was in the 2000’s but i digress) it just wasn’t his leather jacket and jeans look i missed. he was the one who understood rory in all her creative mess. he was the one to spark up that drive for yale again and told her to pursue whatever she wanted (granted i didn’t like how he showed up at her dorm and was like let’s run away together) but he was there for her in the ways he could. he had so much trauma tho that i think it was best they let go of each other and i think if they found each other again later and pursued it it would be beautiful.

6. logan.

i hated him at first yall. i’m so sorry i really did. he was a player, immature, immoral, and annoyingly right about things. rory did not need his influence. they stole a boat together, he wanted her to be out of her comfort zone yes but damn to what extreme? i think after he matured up, it was so beautiful tho. i hate to admit it but i love him now. he grew on me, he truly started caring for rory in a responsible way, he started working, he started realizing he could lose rory, and in the end it was sad she didn’t accept but he took it like a champ. i think he was so ready for it cause he loved her but he couldn’t have expected her to drop all her career options and just go with him to san francisco. i think he should’ve known her well enough but i also get why he didn’t wanna do long distance. i think he connected with her very well. in the way that pointed out her ICKS she never knew she had. she also was a trust fund baby with a rich family and is at Yale and doesn’t have to work through college. i hated that she never acknowledged that and thought she was some fucking hard worker. like yes you study a lot ma’am but you don’t work you’re not someone who knows what it’s like to worry about rent the next day. like damn she had a mom and she had her pool house shit and i also think it was so ungrateful the way she acted towards emily and richard. like they did so much shit for her and she took it for granted. yes they can be extreme but rory needs to be nicer. she is literally another pompous kid who attended an ivy league and she acted so high and mighty in that article ugh. anyways logan was able to show her that hey you have flaws too don’t think you’re perfect but also showed her her TRUE potential. he wanted her on a newspaper and wanted her things to excel and was there with her every step of the way. paid for an apartment, dor a car, and i feel she never really acknowledged that. it was frustrating. but he was frustrating in ways too with the bridesmaid things and the player things and the gambling with Colin and Finn (why did they exist) and yeah. but anyways 9/10

7. christopher hayden.

can i say i fully loathe this man? HATE. i despISE this man. the amount of times he messed up? the amount of times he broke rory and lorelai’s heart?? TOO MANY. he’s a dumb dad and he acts stupid with GG too and i stand by it and sherry is a bitch but damn oh damn did chris get himself in shit. lorelai was ready to marry him and be with him and he went to sherry. SHERRY DIDNT EVEN WANT THE KID. well she did and then it came by and she didn’t and then she left and that was confusing asf. cause she was over here talking rory’s ear off about chris and kids she was the most annoying character ever. hated her . BUT I HATE CHRIS MORE. then lorelai dated luke and pushed her and expected her to be with him and it to be fine. no. and thank god they split but damn the hurt lorelai went thru? it’s embarrassing when luke is the one at the hospital for lor’s dad instead of the husband. anyways it was stupud of him to always try. and then like mess it up between him and rory and act like a dad when he was barely there for her, but either way i’m happy he paid for yale and he’s out of their lives as much as he was in it.

8. emily.

EMILY MY LOVE. you are so stubborn and so conceited but damn do you love your family to the moon and back. this woman was a wife through and through and i have so much respect for her and it’s so weird because i’d never want that for me and it’s so traditional but she’s such a caring woman. only for her blood tho it’s so funny the way she could care less about those around her. um, i hate the rich things ya know the “status, and being poised” thibg but i have to realize it’s becaus of how she was raised and what she was taught was correct. i think lorelai never deserved that uobringing but i think emily tried her best in what she knew. and she tried to be better and wanted to be included in rory and lorelai’s life. even if she was always annoyed by lorelai’s jokes, she knew that was their dynamic and i loved that lorelai agreed to friday night dinners even after rory left it meant so much to her. and i love emily. she loves lorelai so much in her weird and twisted way, she does. that girl would kill for lorelai. i’d move mountains for this woman

9. richard

i needed time to get used to him at the beginning of the season but later on i found that i loved him too. the loving at first about the rory cryibg about yale thing was cute cause it was his first “i’m your grandpa i’d do anything and spoil you silly” event he ever experienced but it was so intense and i totally understood why he coddled her. i wish he didn’t cause it caused all the problems but it was necessary to see his love for her was strong.

they had to find ways in connecting in the beginning with the golf and the hat and books and all that but rory and richard were so close and i love that man. at the end, he saw no use in fighting with lorelai and even laughed at her jokes and was a mediator between emily and lor and the heart attack def did shit to him for him to say he knew lorelai was adored because she turned out to be a great person and that’s why the town loved her, it wa all so cute. i think at the end of the seasons we grow to love richard and emily so much so that we forget all the bad things they did.

kirk.

100000/10 he’s amazing i never would give him up.

enough daid, this show is great i love the complexities and i love the dynamic, the jokes, (some are problematic like the body shaming, r word, culture stereotyping, and sexuality jokes) i think that it was a great show focused on plot. i hated the first episode of the life thing the spin off i forget what it’s called, but you know. they made a lot of “spanish i don’t speak spanish” jokes and there’s barely still any diversity in the cast, and the jokes are so bad like they’re trying to be accepting of the lgbtq+ community but they made jokes so many times in season 7 that it can’t be ignored and like the amount of times they are so stereotypical to the asian community like “rory’s trip to asia”? like that whole episode was so rude with the hello kitty sign, but like idk

it’s a complicated show, i loved it and hated it, i have a love relationship with it that includes such tension it’s toxic. like i’m even hispanic and the whole bit of them not knowing soanish nor thinking they can learn a bit (idk as a inn owner maybe pick up a language/trade?) is not even that effecting to me cause i know them as characters on the show and the girls we grew to love are not like that at all. idk it’s so weird. idk y’all. anyways i finsihed it thank goodness now someone pls recommend new shows :))))

#gilmore girls #rory gilmore #lorelai gilmore #luke danes #logan huntzberger #jess mariano #me rambling #there’s no end to it #i apologize but i had to let it out #enjoy this lol

[still-a-morosexual-help]

OBEY ME! LESSON 50 DETAILED SUMMARY + THEORIES

One locked lesson. There’s also a chat between Mammon & Lucifer after they leave which is just Lucifer spamming him with texts that are all some variation of “don’t do anything stupid” and “be safe”, which Mammon never replies to and it reminds me intensely of my mom when I had school field trips.

In the morning Asmo says MC looks like they had a goodnight’s sleep ( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )and Satan says despite how much Lucifer denies it, it’s a fact that he spoils Mammon (AH HA!) and Asmo teases Satan about being jealous (AHH HAA!!!!). turns out they’re running late and Mammon’s still asleep, they can either wake him up gently (he blushes and asks if they came for round 2 before he realises what time it is), roll him outta bed (he screams, falls and gets pissed off) or yell his name in their best and highly accurate Lucifer imitation (He wakes up screaming and trying to convince Lucifer he didn’t do anything wrong before realising it’s MC). They end up having to skip breakfast and running to the station where they meet Luke who tells them the train’s about to leave. Mammon says that a kid like Luke wouldn’t understand the complicated adult process behind getting ready to leave on an overnight trip, Luke says that’s BS and they just overslept. The two of them start arguing and MC tells them to both shut the fuck up cause the train’s leaving. A red faced Luke starts screaming while they’re running cause Mammon picks him up and then he starts yelling at MC to stop laughing and help him. They never reveal who screamed the night before? Was it Levi realising Crowe was missing? Was it Lucifer trying to get Mammon to stop hugging him? Was it either Mammon or MC as they railed each other? Was it some poor brother who walked in on that? Was it for completely unrelated reasons? Can screams just be heard from outside the house at a semi-regular basis?

Mammon ends up tossing Luke on to the speeding train and when they’re all on it the two start arguing about being late/ the merits of throwing children on to trains. MC says people feel more comfortable to freely argue about things when they’re close. Mammon and Luke both instantly yell “We’re NOT close!”. Luke goes to keep him luggage, mumbling about being worried about spending time with Mammon and Mammon tells him he feels the same. MC and Mammon go to check out their room and MC coos about how big the bed is (it really is a comfy looking bed right under a large window) and Mammon says it could fit both of them and have room to spare before blushing and asking whether they’d actually share (and hey didn’t Lucifer book these rooms????????) Mammon remembers the train trip in S1 and blushes cause this time it’s just the two of them (did y’all forget Luke!?), MC says it’s like they’re on their honeymoon (GUYS SERIOUSLY DID YOU FORGET THE CHILD ALREADY!?), Mammon (while obviously blushing) says there’s other stuff that’ll have to happen first, like a “..um…p…proposal…and stuff”. Mammon then says it’s just the two of them and a bed right now and there’s only one thing they can do and they start going to make out before the door slams open and MC instantly pushes Mammon off and he falls of the bed. Luke completely oblivious and innocent asks what just happened and Mammon says they were practicing self-defence techniques and guys guys I’m crying why is this so funny, why does this seem like the scene from a dozen family comedy movies/sitcom shows where the kid walks in on the parents!???? Luke says he’s hungry and want to go get lunch.

Luke goes over their plan, Mammon grumbles out a whatever, Luke says he needs to listen and take it seriously, Mammon says he’s listening but totally not taking it seriously. He asks Luke why he’s so excited anyway, that he’s bouncing about. Luke’s embarrassed and tries to deny it and MC says Mammon had been bouncing around too. Mammon blushes and tells MC to shut it and Luke says it’s best to ignore Mammon cause he’s not worth it (I love Luke but sometimes…….) Luke ignores Mammon’s protests and shows MC the pamphlets. All the cars in the train are named after angels, with the first being Michael. Mammon says something about Luke going back to talking about his “precious Michael” and that no one cares that the cares are named after angels cause angels aren’t really all that great and he doesn’t see what’s special about them (AND NO GRUDGE HUH!????? Also this line gets a lot sadder when you remember angels killed his little sister). Luke starts telling himself to calm down, Mammon says he can hear everything Luke’s saying. Dessert arrives and Luke wants to share with MC and Mammon teases him about being excited about it before he realises it looks really good. Mammon asks for a bite, Luke refuses they start arguing (Just so you know ever since the “precious angels” line Mammon’s had this smile on his face no matter how much they argued and something about it reads as particularly nasty). Mammon suggests they flip a coin, either they each keep their own desserts or they switch (and pls don’t steal candy from a kid even I can’t defend no matter what issues you may have with the kid’s home/guardians). Luke refuses and Mammon taunts him about being afraid of losing and calls him ‘Luke the loser’ (really wish MC could smack him now and this is probably the most vicious we’ve seen Mammon throughout the 3seasons and we always take time to talk about everyone else’s issues but never Mammon’s, even in S2 when everyone was fighting each other they all got a chance to air their problems with each other and then MC helped them settle it and sure Mammon got a brief chance to yell at Lucifer about how he’s treated but they never got to resolve it, like Asmo said they ignored each other for a bit and then went back to their usual normal. Mammon’s long overdue a therapy session). Anyway Luke takes the bait and says he won’t lose cause he’s got Michael watching over him. Mammon says he should take the challenge then cause he’s got “whats-his-face” watching over him. Mammon wins and Luke accuses him of cheating and Mammon asks what the ‘doggy’s’ proof is. Mammon calls him a chihuahua and when Luke protests, Mammon says he’s Michael’s little puppy who sits on his lap and snuggles up to him all day (no grudge my ass). Luke flushes red, yells at Mammon to shut up and says he doesn’t understand why Michael still cares about the brothers before running away. Mammon loses his smile for a second before he laughs at Luke for running away without eating his dessert and he really does look like a chihuahua when he’s mad. He asks MC if they agree and they can either say Mammon in their Lucifer imitation (he freaks out but doesn’t seem to understand why MC’s pissed) or say “You know what? I hate this side of you, Mammon.” (which wow…He gets really upset about that, stuttering and saying he was just teasing and MC didn’t have to say they hated him)

MC goes to see Luke in his room, he only lets them in after making sure Mammon isn’t there. He apologizes for walking out and MC says it was understandable and that Mammon was in the wrong, Luke says he shouldn’t have let Mammon get to him, specially when he knew Mammon seeing him upset will make him happy. Luke says he’s been wondering about why Michael still cares about the brothers and that they may have been angels once but they did something awful enough that they were cast out and turned to demons (and he doesn’t know!!!!! Is it awful that I want MC to tell him about Lilith and the human she fell in love with?). He says if Michael loved them so much he should have just forgiven them without casting them away (also that’s a thing – were they cast away? Or did they run? We know they fought against the angels before they left and that the angels and presumably, they themselves were aiming to kill the other side, so at the height of all that anger, hurt, death and pain would Michael have just cast them away if they got captured, specially to the Devildom where he knew Lucifer had been meeting up with Diavolo? I always thought that after Lilith fell Lucifer just gathered up his remaining family and fled to the one outside ally they had. I also had a HC that maybe Simeon helped them escape and that’s why he got such a large demotion. They’ve never really cleared up what happened after Lilith was hit, but it would also make sense for the angels to say they were cast away specially if they’re not publicising the reasons behind the war/fight). Luke says he needs to stop and shouldn’t second guess Michael’s judgment and that sounds a lot like what Lucifer kept saying to himself about his Father’s judgment during the Devilgram where he first met Diavolo and the celestial realm is so shady guyyyyyssssss I love morally grey characters who see themselves as being wholly in the right. Luke asks MC as the person closest to the brothers if they think the brothers still love Michael cause he doesn’t want Michael’s love to be in vain. They say sometimes love is one-sided and Michael is still going to feel the way he does. Luke is upset and says he knows that Michael will still love them the way he always has. they ask if Luke hates the brothers (he turns red and said he used to but thanks to MC he can see some of the good in them and doesn’t dislike them as much anymore) and if he finds it hard to forgive them (he says it’s not his place to forgive them and his opinion won’t change Michael’s and that when it comes down to it he understands they aren’t a bad group). He thanks them for coming to check on him. In the corridor Mammon asks if Luke finally cried himself to sleep and calls him a baby (Mammon you cry over nature documentaries…). Mammon insists he didn’t come looking for Luke cause he was worried and was instead wondering where MC went cause they were taking long. He asks them to come back to the lounge for coffee which they missed cause of “Luke’s tantrum”

Back in the lounge Mammon says Simeon needs to teach Luke to relax cause he’s too uptight & that he can’t take a joke. MC asks him to stop making fun of Luke (he tells them to stop lecturing him like Lucifer) and asks if he hates him (he says it should be obvious he doesn’t). He says Luke lives in an extremely small world (which yeah) and he can’t help but to tease him and how once upon a time he was like that too (does…does Luke remind Mammon of himself…?) and MC asks how he ended up like he is now. He says that he ended up awesome, self-assured and sexy after being through both highs and lows. Mammon then gets all serious, saying Luke’s the lowest of the low ranking and yet he’s getting sent to the Devildom and Human Realm, meaning someone behind the scenes is pulling the strings cause they think he needs to see what the real world is like, hoping that he’ll learn that there’s more out there than the world of angels. He says that even after all this time Luke hasn’t learnt anything and that he still sees that the angels’ way of doing things is always right and that he doesn’t even want to imagine that sometimes they may be wrong. And Mammon says if he’s not gonna learn on his own then Mammon’s gonna have to show him by force that things don’t revolve around the celestial realm and the angels and that there’s more to the world. Then finally more light-hearted he says that sometimes someone’s gonna come along and scam you outta your dessert and that’s life. MC summarises it as Mammon trying to teach him that life’s not fair (I mean it’s a pretty mean lesson, specially for a 10yr old but I get that the circumstances are different and more complicated than in the real world/with an actual 10yr old and that “everything will always be okay because Michael will always look after me and Michael is always right” isn’t the best mindset to function on). Getting serious again Mammon says Simeon is making a mistake by standing back and letting Luke discover the world on his own specially when he still hasn’t figured things out at all even after so much exposure during the last few yrs. And that sometimes you gotta force them to see things whether they like it or not, and that he’s just being a mentor. MC asks “like Lucifer was to you?”. He agrees and says he’s not messing with Luke just for the fun of it THOUGH it is fun. So basically Mammon’s parenting style is just a tamer version of Lucifer’s.

 By night they meet up with a red face Luke in the corridor. Mammon greets him as usual, calling him sleepyhead and then asking why he’s looking at Mammon like that with sweat beading on his forehead when Luke doesn’t reply. He asks if Luke’s realised how amazing Mammon looks/is and now can’t help staring. Luke, with a red face and looking to the side, apologises to Mammon about what happened/the things he said and Mammon says it’s good he said so and calls him a good doggy and Luke frowns. MC says it was Mammon’s fault to begin with. Mammon tells MC not to come at him with the truth with such a serious, scary look on their face but he flushes red, admits his fault and apologizes too. Then asks Luke if he’s hungry and if he wants to go get food, Luke, still red, says he isn’t. Mammon says whatever and goes to leave till MC starts silently glaring at him. He yelps but understands that MC wants him to fix Luke’s sad/subdued mood. So he asks Luke to come with him. When Luke’s shocked and starts to question him Mammon turns red, snaps at him to come along and then picks Luke up again and hoists him over his shoulder while Luke screams and protests. Mammon carries him all the way to the roof of the train, laughing and saying he might actually drop Luke by accident if he keeps squirming. Luke snaps and asks if Mammon is trying to kill him and Mammon says that Luke’s pamphlets said that the train would be travelling through a slower speed through this area which means it was a good chance to take in the view and stargaze at night and the sky behind them looks really pretty and this is so sweet and he really was listening to Luke the whole time and I have this image of Mammon dragging MC along with him as he stomps into the Angel’s Halo, kidnaps Luke by picking him up and carrying him over his shoulder as he yells at Simeon about the three of them going off to hunt some other rare creature or plant and I want this to be a regular routine for them pls. Luke says the pamphlet didn’t tell them to climb the roof but Mammon says it’s better this way, Luke tries to get MC to talk sense into Mammon but really he should know by now that MC’s always ready to go along with Mammon’s crazy plans so they just say that this is Mammon’s way of making it up to Luke and that there’s no harm in it and that it’s fun. Luke calls MC out, telling if they don’t put their foot down with Mammon he’ll take advantage and things like this will happen. Luke then says enough and asks Mammon to put him down before gasping. Mammon laughs and asks if Luke really wants to be put down when he’s clinging so hard to Mammon (from what I’m getting I think Mammon shifted Luke to his hip? And that’s what the gasp was for) and then he tells Luke to go ahead and look at the sky cause the stars really are beautiful. Mammon points out cygnus and Luke says it’s weird that he knows about constellations and Mammon asks why that would be weird. Luke says it’s weird cause they’re human world stars. And Mammon looks sad and says Michael taught him a long time ago and Luke is surprised (pretty sure before Lucifer took Mammon, Michael was his official guardian? I feel like they said that in one of the earlier S3 lessons) Mammon says that Michael likes that sort of thing and Luke said Michael taught him about the constellations too. Mammon guesses it was in the Celestial Realm observatory and that Michael heads there any chance he got. Luke is surprised that Mammon still remembers these kinda things about Michael. Mammon says that even if you want to you can’t forget a guy as weird as Michael and that he sticks in your memory. Luke says Mammon’s in no place to talk considering he’s pretty weird too. Mammon snaps at him but Luke ignores him saying he got his constellations mixed up and that he was pointing at orion not cygnus and just I love the idea that Michael loved the stars and the constellations and the stories behind them but he also didn’t know shit about identifying them so each set of young angels he showed and taught the human world constellations to have a completely different set of information and none of them are right. I also love how casual Mammon and Luke’s conversation is but the whole thing probably takes place while Mammon was still carrying Luke. And ugh I have such a pretty image in my head for this whole scene and I’d give anything to be able to draw rn

The next morning, Luke is cheerful about getting off the train and Mammon complains about him being too happy when Mammon’s still tired. Luke says he’s tired too cause the 3 of them played cards till dawn and dfnkjefjiwqeji this is so cute? Did Mammon teach Luke to play? Did they all fall asleep in bed together? I like to imagine Luke wasn’t able to fall asleep in his own room so he came to MC and Mammon’s room looking for MC only for it to be Mammon who opened up the door. When MC comes back to the room after washing up for the night and changing clothes the two of them are sitting cross legged in bed across from each other in their night clothes with Mammon trying to teach Luke a card game as they play it. MC and Mammon don’t get that alone time they were hoping for but neither of them mind because sometimes a family is a demon, a human and an angel playing cards during the witching hour on a night train heading towards an isolated lake and hidden fairies. Luke says he couldn’t win though cause SOMEONE kept cheating Mammon says lol yeah I cheated against you for the first two times but then I realised how much you sucked so I stopped after that I only cheated against MC :D MC gives him a look and he tries to placate them by saying he only cheated sometimes. Luke says it doesn’t matter cause they need to get going since they need to get through a forest to get to the lake. The forest, despite it being midday, is foggy and creep, and is rumoured to be them home of a vampire, a witch who eats children and a goblin who imprisons travellers. Mammon & Luke are both freaked out by the witch (…for two very different reasons) & MC dismisses them as just stories (YOU WERE KIDNAPPED AND TAKEN TO HELL???? Your closest friends/family are demons, angels and a sorcerer??? You’re out here looking for fairies????). The boys both get startled by a bird and cling onto MC, Luke then gives MC a blessing to protect them. It suddenly gets darker and it starts raining and Luke spots something.

They end up in front of the house of lamentation (and holy fuck I missed it so much?? It has character! The house in the human world is just sparkling clean, white and empty. The only rooms in it that have character are the bedrooms which are just portals to the house of lamentation.) The boys are both shocked and stuttering until Luke remembers the pamphlet mentioning an old manor hidden deep in the forest. MC remembers the story of the house in the human world about the servant apparently killed off the couple and 6 of their kids before killing himself, leaving only the oldest alive, though later there was evidence that the oldest was the killer but nothing came of it. He died of old age in the house but rumours spread that it was haunted and you were able to see people moving around inside and hear people arguing and screaming  (and okay so if the brothers are the seven children and MC is the servant… are Diavolo and Barbatos the parents?). Mammon says it can’t be the HoL cause Lucifer had it disassembled and brought to the devildom (and do you think Lucifer was trying to make a statement? “Six people were killed by their oldest brother in this house, DO NOT test me.”) MC says maybe it’s an imitation, Luke agrees saying they may have built another one as a tourist attraction over where the first one stood. (I like to think that the massacre in the original HoL was so dreadful that it permanently bound the original with its land in the human realm and that when it was brought to the devildom the natural magic all around it strengthened that bond to the point that it encompassed the imitation HoL as well. So now even though the HoL in the human realm is just a tourist trap you can still see 7, occasionally 8, sometimes 10 shadows walking around, You can still hear people arguing and shouting and screaming. But these are not ghosts and are instead the shadows of the real lives that currently inhabit the original house of lamentation, being filtered through the bond up to the human world. Tourists will swear they hear voices yelling for Lucifer or Satan and other demonic names, screams of terror, hauntingly beautiful singing that continues for hours or monstrous growling but this is just Lucifer & Satan arguing about why Satan can’t adopt a pet cat, Mammon being strung up and hung from the chandelier, Asmo singing in the bathroom and Beel’s stomach growling). They all head in and Mammon says it doesn’t feel right, that they’ve all been in the actual HoL and are comfortable in it but that this place was eerie, Luke agrees (ironic that the real murder house is comfortable and homey while the tourist trap is spooky). Both the boys then suddenly disappear, not even answering when MC calls for them.

#obey me spoilers #my posts #my theories #obey me #obey me! #swd obey me #shall we date? obey me! #obey me shall we date

[wefoundloveunderthelight]

Wonderland by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Read on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Or on FF

Tagging: @kmomof4 @lfh1226-linda @teamhook

Chapter 4: It’s a Mad World

“Are you feeling defensive today because of the way the group session went yesterday?”

Emma looked up defiantly at her therapist. “Do you always let them say whatever they want?”

“It’s important that everyone in group gets to speak their mind, that includes you.”

“August was doing more than speak his mind. He called me a goddamn spoiled rich kid with daddy issues.”

“Are you?”

“What the fuck?” Emma said angrily.

“Emma, your father is rich, you’ve been afforded things that most others have not.”

“So what? That gives him the right to talk about me that way?”

“I didn’t say that I just asked what your thoughts are on his statement.”

“I think he’s full of shit.”

“How is your relationship with your father?”

“Wow. Ok. Well, he traveled a lot.” She rolled her yes. She wasn’t exaggerating, she saw her father maybe once or twice a month when he wasn’t on some business trip that took him out of the country.

“Did you resent him for that?” The man was staring into her soul.

“Hard to resent someone you barely know.” She stared at her fingers, clicking her nails against each other.

“What about your mother?”

“She’s dad’s soldier. Does all his work for him back home while he’s out there making his mark on the world.”

“She’s a manager at the New York Hotel?”

“Yes, she runs all his North American hotels. She’s smart, runs a tight ship. Honestly, mom could have done anything she ever wanted.”

“Did she always want to work in management?”

“God no, she wanted to be a teacher. Mom loves kids.”

“Yet you’re an only child?”

“Yeah well, guess they got too busy to think about a brother or sister, or maybe I was just too much of a handful, you’d have to ask them.”

Emma knew her mother wanted desperately to have another child; she’d heard her parents argue about it a few times when she was younger. When she turned 15, her mother went through a period of depression. Emma had escaped the house on more than one occasion with Neal to avoid their fighting.

“David, we waited too long.”

“You don’t know that darling, the doctors said this could have happen for any number of reasons.”

“If you’d been home more, actually been here.”

“You’re blaming me for this?”

“Do we have to talk about my parents?” Emma stirred nervously in her chair.

“What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.”

“Let’s talk about Neal.”

“Why?”

“He’s your boyfriend?”

She bit her lip and shifted in her chair. “Ok yeah, sure. I met Neal when I was 12. We went to school together.”

“And your parents like him?”

“My parents love Neal. Sometimes I think they like him more than me.”

“I’m so disappointed in you Emma. How could you do this again?”

“Why do you care?”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that and answer the question.”

“I was just having fun with friends. It’s not that big a deal.”

“You’re drunk! You’re only 16. How is this not a big deal, Emma?”

“Seriously mom, stop acting so high and mighty.”

“You need to find better friends. I can’t believe you ditched Neal to go drinking. Really Emma, after the way he stood by you the last time you got in trouble!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Emma Nolan, you are grounded for a month.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Neal does no wrong. He’s perfect. Heir to the Gold throne. Hell, I think my dad believes he walks on water.”

“Are you jealous of their affection toward him?”

“Jealous? No, I just find it hypocritical. They immediately believe that I’m the bad influence, no one stopped for one second to ask about Neal and what he was up to. Not once.”

“Should they have? Was there a reason for them not to trust Neal?”

“And once again, I’m bored with this subject.” She crossed her legs underneath her on the chair and buried her face in her hands.

“Come on Emma, just try it one time. If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again.”

“I don’t know, Neal. Is it dangerous?”

“Of course not, why do you think so many people are doing it? It will make you feel good, don’t you want to feel good?”

“Ok Emma let’s talk about what happened after you got arrested. How long were you in jail?”

“I spent 11 glorious months behind bars at Lakeview Shock Correctional. Not like it was hard time or anything, daddy paid a pretty penny to hide me in a minimum-security housing facility.”

“So, it wasn’t a juvenile center?”

“Nope, that really pissed him off, I got busted a week after my 18th birthday.”

“Did you have a difficult time while you were there?”

“Emma you can do it. One more push.”

“Oh God.”

“That’s it, the head is out.”

“It’s a boy. Do you want to hold him?”

“No.”

“Nope, pretty ordinary. Bad food, lots of alone time. Nothing to write home about.” She stared out the window, willing her subconscious to float above her, to drown out the memories and keep the tears at bay.

Her father had paid a lot of money to keep her out of prison, but mostly to keep the story hidden. The minute the baby was ushered out of the room, she was returned to her cell and no one ever spoke of it again. Her father refused to talk about it when she returned home, and her mother continued to pretend like nothing had ever happened.

“Ok Emma, I think that’s enough for today.” He was looking at her with apprehension.

“Awesome.” She pushed out of the chair and sprang free from the room, all the air draining from her lungs. She started to tug at the hem of her t-shirt, feeling like she was trapped in her clothes. She looked around the courtyard, she felt like everything around her was blurring before her eyes.

No! She couldn’t have an anxiety attack out here in the open.

Before she realized what was happening, she was running. She didn’t turn around or stop until she reached the sands of the beach. Bending over and heaving out breathes as she tried to stop her heart from racing. She turned toward the pier and ducked under the boards, climbing the sandy hill hidden from the sun and falling into the sand, her sobs coming out in panicked spurts.

“We really need to stop meeting like this, love.”

No. No. No. No. Not now.

“Go away.” She shouted, sucking in her breath.

“Are you alright, Swan?”

She sat up, tossing sand in his direction. “I’m fucking fine, now go away.” She watched him standing at the bottom of the hill, she could tell he was debating his next move and unless it was leaving, she was going to beat his ass.

Of course, he wouldn’t just leave, she watched him climb the sandy hill toward her.

“You don’t appear to be fine, lass.”

“Why are you so damned irritating?” She screamed, the tears starting to fall down her cheeks again. She blew out a breath and sucked in the air again.

“Swan, you need to breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.” She rocked back and forth, her arms hugging her chest. She felt warmth against her back, a hand brushing circles against the fabric of her shirt. “It’s better to let it out.” His breath was warm against her ear as he pulled her into the side of his body.

Her hand clinched in his shirt, balling her fist against his chest. “I told you to leave!” She sobbed into his body.

“It’s bad form to leave a damsel in distress.”

She pulled back from him, his face staring at her with a concern that only fueled her annoyance. She felt anger rising in her chest when their eyes met. “The only one who saves me, is me.” She spat.

“Don’t take offense, I’m only trying to help.”

“You are so goddamn frustrating.” He smirked, which only made things worse. She needed to run away from the heat of the man seated beside her, away from his eyes staring into her soul, his arrogant smile still stuck to his face. The fact that he actually seemed worried about her was making the hairs on her arm stand on end. She shoved away from him, “Let go of me.” She stood up and he grabbed her hand.

“Emma…”

She yanked her hand back as if she had been shocked. “Stop touching me, asshole.”

“You really are a pain in the ass.” He stood up, his face inches from hers.

“I’m a pain in the ass? You’re the one who keeps following me around.”

“I was here first, love.”

Emma balled her hands in his shirt before she could stop herself, yanking his lips down to meet hers in a fury of heat and wanton desire. He didn’t hesitate to respond in kind, his fingers tangling tightly in her blonde locks as his tongue pressed against her lips. She opened her mouth with a groan, clinging to him in desperation as their tongues intertwined. When she came up for air, his forehead pressed against hers.

A sudden realization of what she had done began to dawn on her. She frantically pulled away from him.

“That was…” He started to speak, and she panicked.

“A one-time thing. A distraction. That’s all.” She backed away from him, turning quickly to leave and not looking back.

“Emma.”

“Don’t follow me.” She spat.

“As you wish.” She heard him say softly behind her.

She grumbled to herself all the way back to her room, when she entered, Ruby was putting on yoga pants and a sports bra.

“Emma, you’re just in time.” She looked up at her. “Oh my, are you alright? You look pale.”

“Gee thanks, but yes I’m fine, rough day in therapy.” She tore her t-shirt off her body. “What am I just in time for?”

“Spin class!”

“Um, yeah pass.”

“No way, you’re coming with me. It’s the best way to de-stress after therapy. Trust me, Zelena is amazing.”

She considered her options, either sit in her room, and relive the last fifteen minutes over and over in her head, thus driving herself insane, or sweat the kiss out of her system.

“Ok fine, spin it is.”

What Ruby failed to mention was that when she said that Zelena was amazing, what she meant was an insane crazy person.

“Come on you animals, push it harder! Sweat your way to recovery.”

“Oh my God what is with this woman, I can’t push any harder.” Emma panted.

“I heard that.” Zelena yelled in her direction, “When you think you can’t go any faster, find it in yourself to pick up the pace.”

Emma groaned and wiped the sweat off her forehead with her hand.

“Don’t just walk in my room late and expect not to get on one of these bikes.”

Emma peered over her shoulder and grunted when she saw August and Killian enter the room.

Can she do anything without that asshole following her?

She expected him to jump on the bike behind her and make some sort of inappropriate comment about her ass but instead he took the bike next to Ruby.

“I love seeing a woman work up a sweat.” He smiled at Ruby who giggled loudly.

“No laughing in my class, if you’re having fun, you aren’t working hard enough.” Zelena yelled.

She peered in his direction and their eyes met for half a second before he turned his attention back to Ruby. She rolled her eyes and focused her energy on moving her feet.

“Let’s go kids, five more minutes.” The red head screamed.

“I can go for more than five minutes, lass.” She heard Killian murmur toward Ruby.

“Oh, I bet you can.” Ruby returned the flirtatious discussion.

“If only I knew someone who could make that happen around here.”

“Maybe you do.”

Emma was getting winded, letting out a guttural groan, she took her feet off the pedals, the wheels spinning on their own until they came to a stop. She jumped off the bike and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her neck and swigging from her water bottle before walking out of the gym, ignoring the red headed instructor who was yelling at her to get back on her bike.

She turned the corner to the dorms and ran into something solid.

“Apologizes! I hope I didn’t hurt you, beautiful.”

She looked up and smiled at Jefferson. “Sorry, that was my fault, I should have been paying attention.”

“No harm, no foul, Miss Emma.” He stared down at her. “Are you quite all right? You seem sad.”

“It’s been a long day.”

“Trust me, I know, I’ve had six months of them here.”

She laughed. “How have you survived?”

“Wanna know my secret?”

“Oh yes.”

“Come this way.” He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down a series of corridors until she no longer recognized where they were. He turned around and put his forefinger over his lips and she put her hand over her mouth. He pushed through the double doors, bending over, and creeping along the wall. He peeked up into one of the windows and then pulled her past it into a dark room.

When they were both standing in the dark, he let go of her hand and moved away from her to the other side of the room. She heard a clicking sound, a soft light illuminated his face before the light was extinguished.

He was by her side again, and she felt his lips against her ear. “Follow me.”

She turned and followed him back the way they came until they were standing outside the doors they entered, and he was dragging her through another set of doors into a part of the courtyard she had never seen before.

“What did we just do?” She exclaimed as he plopped down onto the grass lawn and patted beside him for her to sit. When she did, he passed her a small edible item. “Ding dongs? Did we just do all that to steal ding dongs?”

He popped one into his mouth, lying back on the grass. “There’s nothing better after a stressful day. And they don’t give them out to the patients, but I found out that one of the cooks absolutely loves them and hides them in the storage behind the kitchen.”

Emma fell back onto the grass next to him, leaning her head onto his crossed arm. She took a bite of the treat and moaned. “Oh my God, that is good.”

“I told you.” He smirked. “You forget the simple things when you are out there, dealing with the world.”

She sighed. “Why are you still here after six months?” She asked seriously.

“It’s hard enough to live in a land where you don’t belong but knowing it…holding conflicting realities in your head…will drive you mad.”

“And you think you belong in here?”

“Oh no, I hate Wonderland.” He exclaimed. “But unfortunately, I have an affliction. Do you know what it’s like to be at odds with yourself? It’s like having two lives yet they live inside one mind. Double the pain, double the suffering.”

Emma frowned. “Don’t you want to get better?”

“I supposed I do. And yet here I am.” He grinned at her.

“You’re very odd.”

“Thank you.” He laughed, sitting up on his elbow and leaning closer to her. “I could tell the first day in group that you were special. Don’t let August scare you off.”

“Oh, I’m uh, I can handle him.”

“I believe that.”

He leaned over, lightly brushing his lips against hers and then pulling back to look at her. “I apologize, I’ve been arguing with myself for the last ten minutes about doing that.”

She didn’t know what to think of the kiss, Jefferson was sweet and kind, with a strange air about him, and the kiss was so very different than what she had experience earlier kissing Killian. The kiss from Jefferson was almost comforting compared to the desperate need she experienced earlier under the pier.

Both of their watches began beeping and she sat up quickly.

“Oh my, have we been out here that long? I uh, guess we should get back to our rooms or we’ll miss lights out.”

“Time flies when you are having fun. I’ll show you the way back.” He stood up, reaching his hand out for her. He pulled her to her feet and tugged her forward, keeping his hand in hers. Once they reached the building, he dropped her hand, guiding her through the hallways until she started to recognize her surroundings. He stopped at the fork in the hall.

“This is where we part, beautiful.”

“Thank you for sharing your secret with me tonight.” She whispered.

“I only hope it helped. Goodnight.” He winked before turning away from her and skipping toward his room.

Emma grinned and walked the rest of the way to her room. Ruby was lying on her bed. “There you are.”

“Oh hey.”

“You just took off tonight. What happened?”

“Just overheated, needed to get some air.”

“Ah Zelena’s classes can be like that. She’s pretty serious about cardio.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You sure you’re ok? This wasn’t about Killian was it?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed upset when we were flirting today. Are you interested in him? Because I can totally back off if you two have something going on?”

Emma bit her lip. She was most definitely not interested in that asshole. Not at all. Not even a little.

Liar.

“Nope, he’s all yours. I’m not into assholes.”

“Suit yourself, but honestly, can you imagine what he can do with that mouth of his?”

Emma flushed, remembering the feel of his mouth burning on her lips. “Never really thought about it honestly, he’s not my type.”

“Which part? The accent, the arms, his abs, or the bulge in his pants, cause I could keep going if I haven’t proven my point yet.”

“I didn’t say he wasn’t hot. He’s just…” She got into her bed and turned off the lights to mask the redness growing in her cheeks. “I can assure you his ego is probably bigger than his dick.”

“Well, one of us needs to find out, and if you’re not interested, then I volunteer as tribute.” She joked.

Emma rolled her eyes and turned over on her side, squeezing her eyes shut and praying for sleep. “You’re such a nerd, Ruby. But seriously good luck with that.” She grumbled before she fell asleep, blue pools of light haunting her dreams.

Notes:

I have updated the Chapter length to 21 chapters, I'm excited to say I have written all the words for Wonderland and I'm just going through and editing it now. :) Hope you are all enjoying the fic. Thanks again for reading!

#wonderland #stacy's fics #my fics #captainswan #captain swan #captain swan au #captain swan fics #captain swan modern au #emma x killian #killian jones #emma x hook #emma swan

[houseof-harry]

pleaseee do a back story on why Y/N has trust issues. I’m so CURIOUSSSS🥺

Trigger warning: emotional manipulation, daddy issues basically lmao (and a complacent mom but I don’t want to spoil any more), mental health issues

Most children grow up thinking their parents are perfect. That they can do no wrong, they’re always right, and you can always trust them to be there for you, to take care of you. Y/N was no different. She had a mother who loved her, packed her lunch every single day for school, who took her to all her activities, who cooked her dinner and brought her shopping. She had a father who loved her, made sure she always had somewhere to sleep, a place to do homework, a cheerleader to push her to do her best.

When Y/N was 15, she became a lifeguard for the summer. Easy money, always in the sun, and lots of cute boys swimming around under her watchful eye. It was the ideal job for anyone who was her age, and her parents even offered to drive her so that she could work at the fancy country club to add a few bucks to the low hourly wage she’d be making.

And it was going pretty well. She liked her coworkers, got to know the regulars quickly, and even got a few babysitting gigs out of it.

What she wasn’t sharing with the world was her anxiety. Her crippling, maddening anxiety. The anxiety that almost made her fail her sophomore year of high school, the anxiety that made her nauseous whenever she was awake, the anxiety that had completely taken over her body and locked her soul far far away in the depths of her brain.

She didn’t know how she got to this point. But one day it became harder to breathe, and that heavy weight in her chest never went away. That didn’t stop her from trying to live her life, though, because she wanted to do anything she could to try and make it better.

After a particularly long day at the pool, she was exhausted, sunburnt, and dehydrated. She just wanted to go home, shower, eat dinner and go to sleep.

When she got into her fathers car, he didn’t even give her a second glance. She sat in silence with him for the entire drive home, him not responding to anything she tried to say to him. It was an eerie feeling, and one she would soon become used to whenever she was around her dad.

When they got home, he got out of the car without a word, walking into the house with a huff and a puff, Y/N trailing behind in confusion. Her mom gave her a look of pity, which not only made her more confused, but made the pit in her stomach even more prevalent. What could have possibly happened in the 8 hours she'd been gone?

She soon found out when she walked into her room to find it completely destroyed. Her bed off the frame, pictures shattered, dresser drawers thrown around the floor, the contents strewn everywhere.

She stood in shock, the warm tears quickly falling down her face as she began to panic. Everything had been ransacked, destroyed, completely ruined. She went to close her door to keep out whoever had done this, her one safe space tainted. 

But she couldn’t. The door had been taken off the hinges, no where to be found. When she looked down the hallway to see her fuming father, arms crossed and waiting for her to say something.

“Did you do this?” She whimpered out, like a lost and scared puppy.

“You think you can fuck around with school? Blame it on some mental illness? The principal called to make sure you would be better for this coming year. Don’t go blaming your lazy ass decisions on mental health. You take care of yourself and your responsibilities, and when you don’t I’ll be here to remind you.” His tone was level, almost robotic as he lectured her.

“Where’s my door?”

“Gone. You don’t deserve it, not until you can get your shit together.”

And before she can respond, he was turning and walking away.

Her mom came into view, the same sympathetic eyes she had when Y/N had walked through the kitchen glazing over as she sees her fragile daughter in the door frame, scared and alone.

“Why didn’t you stop him?” Y/N asked, the anger in her voice unintentional but she has no energy to control it. She grabbed the door frame to hold herself up, waiting for some type of explanation.

“You know how your father gets,” is all her mother could think up.

Y/N does the only thing she can think of in the moment, storming past her mother and to the bathroom, closing and locking the door before sobbing uncontrollably. That’s the day she realized neither of her parents were perfect

It took Y/N two years after that to finally get to therapy. Only after years of working with her therapist did she realize how imperfect both of her parents really were.

Like all the times Y/N had been sick as a child, when her father had blamed her for making a mess while she had a stomach bug, complaining that she should know better than to miss the toilet. She was 5 the first time she remembers him doing that.

Or the time she had a stomach ulcer at age 8, and instead of taking her to a doctor, her father told her to just eat more and that she was faking the pain for three months. Only when she was uncontrollably crying did her mother finally speak up.

Or the time she was scared to compete in the state championships for swimming, and her father told her she was being stupid and that he wouldn’t talk to her until the race was over before walking away and to the stands, sitting so far back she couldn’t see him while she waited for her turn.

Or the time she got a 99% on a math exam in 8th grade, and her dad asked why she didn’t get a 100% before throwing the exam away.

Two years of therapy opened those memories back up, and many more, of times she needed love and care from her dad, and all she got was cold, emotionless responses. She had never felt safe around him. She only realized it wasn’t normal to constantly worry your dad will stop loving you if you forget to do your dishes, or leave your cleats out instead of putting them in your closet, or miss a day of school when you have strep throat, when her therapist told her that wasn’t normal. She said that, “a parents love should never be conditional, and should never be used as a punishment.” That’s when Y/N realized she only heard of her father’s love for her when he threatened to take it away.

And her mother was scared, too. Reasonably so, because her father was a scary man. Hell, whenever Y/N did something that made him angry nowadays, he threatens to cut all ties with her, the silent treatment still a favorite of his. The last time he threatened that was when she asked for help paying for a medical bill. He’d called her greedy, telling her she needed to be financially independent at all times, because you never know what could happen.

She always wondered if her dad truly loves her, or if he felt forced to have kids like half of his generation. And she still wonders why her mother never loved her enough to stand up for her.

And why she didn’t trust anyone, especially new people in her life? If her parents couldn’t love her enough to hug her when she felt sick, to sing her to sleep when she had nightmares, to tell her she would be okay when she got nervous before any big event, why would anyone else be able to?

#Grayson dolan #hyt.blurb #hyt

[anotheronechicagobog]

Enemies to Lovers Noah Sexton x dawson!reader

requested by: @bitweird1​

written by: @anotheronechicagobog​

Warnings: swearing, mature themes, child neglect, slightly Dawson bashing but they really just didn’t know, canon compliant threats

You had spent your entire life struggling and working your ass off. No social life, extracurriculars for the sole purpose of applying to universities, and spending the majority of your life studying because according to your dad at least one Dawson had to become a doctor and your older siblings had decided that it wouldn’t be them, leaving you to do nothing but prepare for the future that had been hand-picked by the man you felt abandoned you. And then Noah fucking Sexton just waltzes in having put in half the effort and riding the coattails of his much more intelligent sister who gave up a career as a doctor because of sexism. He spent far too much of his time flirting with everything that had boobs and a pulse. You didn’t like him because he took nothing seriously and didn’t have a responsible bone in his body, and he hated you because you were incredibly uptight and didn’t have a sense of humour.

“Maybe you’d have more friends here if you didn’t have a stick shoved up your ass.”

“I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to become a doctor.”

Everyone was getting really sick of your fighting, so they banded together and made things worse. They had badgered you until Doris had enough and dragged you to Molly’s. You refused to drink or eat anything, resulting in more snide remarks between you and Noah. Just when everyone was developing a migraine before they were anywhere even close to drunk your parents burst through the door and marched over to you. And suddenly, everyone in the bar, including your siblings, were subjected to and twenty-minute rant from your parents about how you should be grateful they pushed you towards medical school and all the activities that got you scholarships, that they didn’t abandon you, and that they clothed and fed you because a third child cost so much money, how you never took anything seriously and were always joking around, and how you were a disgrace to the family. Once they finished, your dad dragged you out by your arm, your mom followed muttering about why couldn’t you be more like Gabby and Antonio.

You walked into the ED the next day as robotic as ever. The pitiful and awkward stares were ignored with ease, it was something you were quite used to if you were honest. Your parents were always scrutinized by your teachers and DCFS. At the end of the day, though, they weren’t abusive enough for any charges or housing changes to be set. They weren’t like that with Gabby and Antonio, who had mostly moved out by the time you were in kindergarden, you were their last chance to help them prove to their family that they didn’t fail as parents. And they made sure you knew it.

“Dr. Dawson, you’ve got a patient in treatment one. Also, uh, are you okay? I feel pretty bad about last night.”

“Oh, don’t worry about anything. I’m fine, and my parents were right I should’ve been studying. It was a poor decision on my part not to. I’m gonna get to this patient, but you really don’t need to feel bad, okay?”

She nodded absently as you turned your back to her. ”Hi, I'm Dr. Dawson, can you tell me what brought you in today?”

---------------------------------

Your patient had just gone up to the OR to have a blood clot removed and you made your way to the doctor’s lounge, followed by Noah Sexton. ”Hey, Y/N, are you-”

”Yes, Noah, I am okay. Yes, I'm sure. I am fine, I am always fine.”

”From my experience when people say they're fine they're usually not.”

”Noah, I am okay.”

“I don’t believe you.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next few weeks were a maze of pitiful stares, hushed concerned words, and a silent Noah. All of it was completely unnerving. It all came to a head when Dr. Charles approached in the ED you about starting therapy with him, talking continuously about all the points ‘brought to his attention’, not even giving you the time to tell him the majority were false. “Excuse me?” 

Your stomach coiled in anger at his words. Not only were you more than capable of doing your job, but you already had a therapist. With basket case parents like yours, it was blatantly obvious that therapy was required. But the audacity of your co-workers to gossip so much that it came to the point over half the points Charles brought up were complete BS was astounding. Not only that, but he’d apparently spent the last few days internet stalking you to try and find some of your demons. “Dr. Charles, do you consider me a danger or liability to any of the patients or doctors at this hospital because of my relationship with my parents?”

“No, you actually seem to be well balanced mentally.”

“Then what, on earth, made you think it was appropriate to go around behind my back asking everyone at the hospital their opinion about me and what happened at Molly’s, or stalk me online to try and get a read on me, and then ask me blatantly at work, in the middle of the shift, in front of all my co-workers and superiors? What made you think it was okay to loudly bombard me with rumours and hearsay while I’m working?”

“Well, I thought that since it’s my job to check on all the ED docs, I’d check on you.”

“... You’re joking, right? I am the only person in this department who goes to therapy. Don’t kid yourself, you don’t check on anyone here. You judge them and make sure they know it. And quite honestly, you don’t have the best reputation for looking out for the mental and emotional state of your colleagues. This confrontation was not only completely inappropriate, but rude, obnoxious, presumptuous, riddled with unchecked errors, and unprofessional.”

“That’s not how I would word it.”

“It’s how I see it, and how I’ll word it with HR.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No one was pitying you anymore, not since the tongue lashing you gave Dr. Charles, who was on very thin ice with the hospital. While bringing up Robin and Sarah may have been a bit of a low blow, it exposed some issues with Dr. Charles that needed to be addressed. The only person who acted as if you were made of glass was Noah Sexton. While he had been a bit of a pain in the ass, this was worse. He was being sickeningly nice to you and it was getting on your last nerve. Yes, your parents were abusive. Yes, you had a messed up and traumatic childhood. But did that limit your abilities? No. Did that make you mentally unstable requiring therapy and fragility from your coworkers? Absolutely not.

He came in with coffee exactly the way you liked it, again. With a muffin, again. “You have to stop.”

“Stop what, Y/N?”

“Stop acting weird. You don’t like me, you hate me, actually. The only reason you’re being nice to me is because my parents resent my existence. I do not need or want your pity. So stop treating me like a china doll, and start treating me like your coworker.”

“Okay, okay, I uh... I’m sorry. I just, I feel guilty, okay? I gave you such a hard time for being so frigid and then when your parents showed up at Molly’s and started screaming at you for existing and having a life of your own, it just all made sense. And I gave you shit and trouble for coping with your crazy-ass parents. And then Dr. Charles came by to talk to you and I just felt even worse because even though I didn’t tell him anything, it was our fighting that put the spotlight on you in the first place. You shouldn’t have had your dirty laundry aired to the entire hospital, that’s happened to me a few times and it’s horrible, and I feel bad because I know that I was a contributing factor to all the shit you’ve had to deal with at work.”

“I get where you’re coming from, but let’s be real, everything would’ve turned out exactly the same way if you weren’t involved. The gossip mill runs strong at Gaffney.”

“Yeah, it does. I still feel bad.”

“Well, you’re forgiven then. So you can stop treading delicately, buying me coffee, and being creepily nice to me.”

“I am not being ‘creepily nice’! And how can being nice be creepy anyway?”

“Yesterday you followed me around offering to help me take my gloves on and off constantly, to the point where a patient who came in for falling out of the ceiling above the women’s changeroom said ‘that’s just weird’.”

“... Okay. I’ll stop. But I gotta be honest, I don’t think I can go back to arguing with you all the time.”

“That’s fine, just stop acting so weird that a couple I caught having kinky sex after an STD swab said ‘that made us really uncomfortable’.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice. Seriously, you didn’t have to tell me twice.”

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SIX MONTHS LATER

You and Noah had actually managed to become good friends and roommates. Shortly after he started acting like a normal person around you, not an instigator or a psycho, you found yourself enjoying his company. And yesterday, when you’d come home to find your room completely torn apart by your mother because your father had tried to frame you for using weed, you were done. Most of what you owned had been destroyed in your mother’s search, which sucked, but it made packing up all your stuff into your car much easier.

So far you’d ignored 43 texts, 12 calls, two visits from Gabby when she brought in a patient, and one visit from Antonio who didn’t even bother trying to lie to you. He also threatened to impound your car, you threatened to tell Voight about the time he and Lindsay got drunk and hooked up. It didn’t even matter that she was in New York now, Voight wouldn’t even blink before bludgeoning him down. He swore at you, “how could you break mami’s heart like this?”, and “can’t you just behave and do what you’re told for once?”

You looked him dead in the eyes, heart beating erratically at you older brother supporting your parents belittling and abusing you, “You sound like dad Antonio.”, watched his face fall, and left. Noah stopped him when he went to follow you. “You good?”

“Uh, not really. I don’t have a place to go tonight.”

“Did your mom kick you out?”

“No, I left. I can’t do it anymore. I break out in hives whenever I even think about my mother now. I just can’t go back.”

“Well, you don’t have to. I have been looking for a roommate, we can move you into my place after shift.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Now come on, it’s prank week. Stohl pissed off Manning last week and she’s been planning revenge ever since, you do not want to miss this.”

And you didn’t. You entered the ED to find one of the most hated doctors in med spitting out Gatorade. “WHaT thE heLL?! That was sooo-ughghghg-” he couldn’t even finish his sentence before running to the doctor’s lounge to throw up in the bathroom. To Natalie’s credit, she didn’t crack a smile or react at all as she gracefully stepped over the spilled orange Gatorade. She briefly reminded you of a fae, graceful, beautiful, and cunning as all hell. You made a mental note never to cross her. Later at lunch, Natalie opened her sushi container, slightly deconstructed each piece, loaded all the pieces up with wasabi, reconstructed them, and popped one in her mouth. Everyone sitting near her had their eyes flash in recognition. Stohl had a habit of stealing other people’s food, and no matter how many times anyone told him to stop, they were just bullied into compliance. As a result, everyone had to dictate their food choices around his palette. Which meant no spicy food. Something that sucked for nearly everyone because hot food was a favourite for most people in the ED. But Manning wasn’t taking his shit. Not today. Something that worried everyone sitting around her because she would get in trouble for eating her own food how she liked it. It wasn’t until one of the HR workers, Holly, sat down beside Natalie and engaged in conversation that everyone realized the full scope of her plans. Stohl plopped down beside you and stole half of your sandwich right out of your hand. Ranting and raving, insulting everyone, stealing food, he made his way all around the circular cafeteria table until he got to Nat. He scooped up to pieces and threw them in his mouth just after he finished the words ‘insolent underlings’. Everyone held their breath as they watched his pale face redden exponentially. His eyes widened. And then he screamed. 

He yelled, he swore. “I’m going to report you to HR! You tried to poison me!”

“You stole food from everyone, something inappropriate, unethical, and unprofessional. You stole her food. That she made spicy to her tastes. She didn’t try to poison you.”

“And just who the fuck do you think you are?!”

“Holly Scott, from HR.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Noah were doing great, as roommates and as friends. “Hey, do you have any plans for dinner tonight? My parents invited me over for dinner and they asked me to extend an invite to you. It’s nothing major, they wanted to meet my previous roommates, too. Make sure you’re not a hooligan.”

“Okay, sounds fun. What should I bring?”

“Yourself...?”

“It’s rude to show up at someone else’s home without a gift.”

“You don’t need to bring my parents a gift.”

“Oh, I’m bringing a gift. I’m just asking you for some input.”

“Okay, well they really like wheelie shoes-”

“Ha, oh my god, I meant for what your parents would like, not you. And want wheelie shoes? Those have been out for a while, Noah.”

“Hey, do not laugh at me! They are just a very effective and fun way to get around.”

“Would you like them to light up too?”

“... Is that an option?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You knocked on the door while Noah rolled his eyes at you. “I grew up here!”

“Well you don’t live here anymore and it’s rude to just barge into someone’s home and act like you own the place.”

“Oh, you must be Y/N! I wasn’t expecting anyone to knock, usually, Noah just barges in and acts like he owns the place. Come in, come in. It’s freezing outside.” You gave Noah a side-eyed smirk as you took off your coat, while he looked bashfully embarrassed. “Uh, here Ms. Sexton, I brought some homemade empanadas, they can be put in the fridge or kept in the freezer, and it’s best to reheat them in the oven. 350 F, ten minutes from the fridge and about 20 if they were put in the freezer.”

“Oh, you really didn’t have to do that.”

“I was raised that when you go over to someone’s house for dinner or an event, you bring a gift. And it was either this or a house plant.”

“Ha, good idea going with the food, it’s a Sexton family trait that will kill all the plants we touch. Thank you very much.”

“Hello, you must be Y/N. It;s wonderful to meet you- and what smells so good?”

“Y/N brought empanadas, and they are going away so that you and I can enjoy them later. Now everyone, to the dining room, dinner is just about done.”

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Things started to change a bit a few months later when Choi had to physically restrain Noah from attacking a drunk bar fight patient who called you a slut in the middle of the ED. You’d been confused but Maggie just kept saying that it was a matter of time.

When you’d been hanging around at Molly’s with Noah, Sarah, and Darren, Noah had his arm casually wrapped around your shoulders, something your sister gave you the eyebrow for from her place at the bar.

After you’d been mugged and beaten, you’d run to the 21st, where your brother promptly unleashed the most fearsome demon hell has ever cowered from, AKA Hank Voight, he also called Noah. And when your brother finally made an arrest and got Voight to calm down a little, he’d entered the breakroom to find you fast asleep, curled up against Noah. Who sat in an incredibly uncomfortable position, holding you and stroking your back. You missed the dark look that crossed his face, or the one of fear that had crossed Noah’s but something of an understanding had fallen to Noah. The two of you needed to talk.

So you did, and it went well, so well that you planned a date. Then another one. And another one, until you two had been dating for six months and figured it was time to tell your families. You were shaking in your boots, the Sexton’s were all incredibly close and incredibly doting on Noah, so even though they liked you, you had absolutely no clue as to what the reaction would be. To your relief, it was happiness, they loved you as much as Noah apparently, and they relished in the changed you’d caused in Noah.

Your family, on the other hand, did not react well. Which was why you’d made sure that you told them in a very public place, and had only ordered waters before you told them. There was yelling, screaming, your father waving his arms around so much Antonio had to use his cop voice on him. In the end, you and Noah had been there for around five minutes before throwing some cash at the waitress as a tip for leaving her with your family, and hauling ass out of there. The two of you had ended up just eating pizza on the boardwalk in your fancy clothes and heading back to the apartment late.You both had work the next day, but while you were an intern, Noah was not. And while you were off giving a patient a sponge bath, your siblings cornered Noah at the nurses desk. “Sexton, is there a place the three of us can talk?”

“Uh, sure, this conference room is free...”

“Perfect.”

“So, I take it this is about-”

“Nuh-uh. You do not talk. We do.”

“You are dating our baby sister.”

“We may not be as close to her as you are with your sister, but she still means a lot to us.”

“We love her. We are two people with some pretty dangerous skills. It is for these two reasons that you will not hurt her. Ever.”

“And if you do, don’t forget who I work with.”

“No one will ever find your body.”

“Are we clear?”

“Uh, hmmh... Clear. Crystal clear.”

“Good. Now do you know where Y/N is? We’d like to take the both of you out to lunch or something, just the four of us, to make up for the dinner of many disasters.”

#One Chicago #chicago med #Chicago Fire #Chicago PD #noah sexton #noah sexton x reader #antonio dawson #gabby dawson #maggie lockwood

[stories-for-sell]

Welcome Home, Little Chromosome

Chapter 4 of Fake Relationship Gone Right. Gene returns home and finds a familiar, but surprising face waiting for him. WARNING: SCENE OF AN ATTACK/ABUSE< PROCEED WITH CAUTION

Gene leaned against the car window, watching the buildings and other cars fly by as they drove. Looking at him from the driver’s seat, Maria reached out and placed a gentle hand on her son’s knee, squeezing it lightly to get his attention.

“How you holding up, little chromosome?” She questioned, watching him slowly pull himself out of his thoughts to answer.

“I’m fine..” He told her, giving his mother his best, fake, ‘I’m doing well’ smile.

Apparently, it was believable enough, for she didn’t ask again or prod at the subject, and the car’s occupants once again fell into a silence, both standing stock still on wobbly tightropes, trying to reach each other like they did when he was a young boy, around when Dante was just starting school. But then, they drifted apart, the only reminder of the close bond they once had was in the form of dance practices Gene rarely attends. He shut himself off after 6th grade, meeting Zenix and Sasha, slowly turning sour until he no longer resembled the young, bright child Maria had raised, on both the4 inside and out.

When Maria steered the car into the driveway, she glanced at him, grinning as if she knew something he didn’t. He ignored her strange looks, opening up the door and waiting for her to bring the hospital-issued wheelchair around for him to get in, unable to walk until he could start physical therapy to heal after the attack, which severely damaged his muscles and set him way back. With her help, he stepped out of the car and lowered into, where he was wheeled up a makeshift ramp near their steps and through the front door.

Waiting to greet them on the other side of the foyer was his little brother Dante and.. Aaron!? Teal blue eyes widened at the sight of the taller student standing in the middle of his living room, looking very out of place with his scruffy appearance surrounded by a very clean and organized home. Seeing Gene, Dante rushed forward to hug him, only to be stopped by their mother, holding her arm in front of Gene and Dante, separating them.

“Dante, Gene needs rest, I don’t want you tackling him in hugs anytime soon, do you understand me?” 

“Yes ma’am..” Dante mumbled, looking at the ground sheepishly. He squeaked when Gene ruffled up his hair and gave the younger a small smile.

“Don’t worry Hermanito, I’ll be good as new in no time!”

Behind his back, Maria motioned for Dante to leave him be, and then turned to Aaron. “Will you help get him up the stairs to his room, Aaron dear?”

Without any time to register what she said, Gene felt a pair of strong arms gently pick him up, his face heating as he lifted his head, staring at Aaron. Aaron was unaware of the look, as he carried him over to the stairs and began to ascend them. Down a familiar hallway, and through one door later, he was set onto his bed; the taller boy left the room, returning a few minutes later with the wheelchair, collapsed nice and neat to not take up much room, and set it beside the bed before sitting down on the edge and looking around.

“Nice room.”

“Why are you here?”

“Ouch. Is that anyway to say thank you for saving your ass?”

“I didn’t ask for your help.”

“Gene, you almost died!”

“So? Maybe things would have been better off with me dead.”

Aaron stared at him in shock, trying to process all of this. He looked at Gene, who refused to meet his eyes and instead opted to stare down at his bedspread, which was a dark navy blue color.

“Gene.. What did Balto say to you?”

“Nothing..” His voice cracked, and blue eyes remained trained on the bed spread.

“Why do you think that things would be better if you were dead?”

“Because they just would, Aaron! I do nothing but fuck things up and cause trouble for everyone else! Besides.. It’s not like anyone else really cares about me. I doubt even mom or Dante would really care if I died.”

“Gene… Your mother was in tears when she heard you were in the hospital. Dante decked a doctor just because he couldn’t tell us anything about your condition. Even Aphmau was terrified that you wouldn’t make it. Her mom had to pry her out of a waiting room chair to make her go home, and Vylad’s mom had to take him and Travis home with the help of her husband. All of them have been non-stop asking if you’re ok, when you were being released, could they see you yet.”

“.. You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. Want some more proof? I have a huge fucking bruise on my chest from Zenix, and my cheek STILL stings from Sasha slapping me, just because I told them you were in the hospital. They thought I was the one who got you sent there.”

“Heh.. That’s Zenix and Sasha for you, they’d kill someone for me if I asked.”

“That doesn’t surprise me but see.. People really do care about you Gene. Dying wouldn’t solve anything.” Aaron told him, grinning as he watched a soft smile form on Gene’s face. But, that smile soon faded into a frown, as their eyes locked, ocean blue with coal black.

“What about Balto..”

“He’s been expelled from what I heard, and the police are keeping him in custody until they can get a statement from you, and then decide their next move. 

“.... And what will happen when I go back?”

“I’m not sure, but no one who knows what happened is allowed to tell anyone else about the incident. Gene, if you don’t mind me asking.. What pissed Balto off so much?”

“You.”

Gene’s voice was soft, barely audible as he whispered the single word, looking back down at the bed spread as Balto’s voice rang in his ears, hurting his head and making his eyes swell up with tears.

“What does he have that I don’t? Huh!? What’s so good about Lycan that you chose him over me?” Balto snarled into his ear, delivering a swift punch to Gene’s gut and making him cry out, doubling over in pain as he empties the contents of his stomach.

“B-balto, please.. Leave me alone.”

“Shut up!” fingers threaded through his hair as his head was yanked roughly back, and he found himself staring into furious red eyes. “Shut. Up. You speak when I tell you too, do you understand me, bastard?”

A whimpering noise, nothing like anything Gene’s ever made before, escaped him, as he was shoved against the wall. Sharp teeth sank into his neck, rough fingernails digging into his skin and dragging across it, blood welling up in their wake.

He goes to scream, but a hand wrapped around his throat, restricting his breathing. Balto shoved him backwards again, and his head met brick, a sickening crack echoing through the abandoned parking lot. Hands tore at his clothes, his skin, anything they could reach. Gene was soon covered in so much blood and writhing in so much pain he didn’t even know where one injury ended and another began.

Blood dripped down the tan skin of his face, making it hard to see between that and his hair that fell like a mess over his face. Neither heard the bell. Balto was so focused on taking out his anger, he didn’t notice that Gene had become unresponsive, that the hispanic boy’s eyes were glazed over, or that his breathing was shallow. He didn’t even see the other man round the corner and stand there in shock.

What he did notice though, was the girl’s screams piercing the air. The feeling of hands grabbing his arms, pulling him off of the broken body.

Gene didn’t realize he was crying until calloused hands wiped away his tears and pulled him in, protecting Gene behind the wall of strong arms. His head was resting on Aaron’s chest, who simply held him in silence, waiting for the moment to pass. Seeing Gene look at him, he offered a sympathetic smile.

“You with me now?” He asked, moving some hair out of Gene’s face. 

“Y-yeah..”

“Alright, I have to go home soon, you should get some rest.”

“I got plenty of rest at the hospital, I don’t need any more.” Gene replied, pulling back and wiping away some more tears.

“I know.. But it’s like a mandatory thing to say to someone in your position, you know?” The raven-haired man told him, standing up and looking at Gene. “Alright, I should get going. I’ll stop by tomorrow with Aphmau and her two friends, mainly so they’ll stop bugging me, alright?”

“HA! Alright. That’s fine.. Mom says it’ll be at least a month before I’m healed enough to go back to school.”

Aaron stood there a bit awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He eventually just gave Gene a wave before leaving the room.

Now alone, Gene struggled to get out from on top of his blanket, pulling it over himself and laying down. He picked up his phone, turning it on. And instantly regretting it as it blew up with notifications from his friends, and just random kids in school whose numbers he forgot that he’d had.

He opened the group chat with Zenix and Sasha, reading a few things before exiting, just as a message came into that conversation.

WhiteHairedW(b)itch: Eugene, you better fucking reply to us.

Porcupine: You forgot we all have Iphones, and we can see when you read our messages. So answer us.

WhiteHairedW(b)itch: Or we’ll spam your phone until you do.

   AngryHispanic is typing…

…

Porcupine: EUGENE ALEJERA, IF YOU DON’T REPLY, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.

AngryHispanic: Already nearly died, that threat holds no power over me now. And I’m tired, can’t we talk later?

WhiteHairedW(b)itch: Gene, it’s been a week since we’ve so much as saw you read our texts. What happened?

AngryHispanic: Balto, obviously. Seriously, We’ll talk later. I’ll even video call to make you happy.

   Porcupine, WhiteHairedW(b)itch is typing…

Porcupine: Fine. Talk to you in a bit, Mom’s calling me anyways.

WhiteHairedW(b)itch: Ttyl, I Love you, you idiots.

Porcupine: Love ya too, sis.

AngryHispanic: I love you guys too, seriously.

He set his phone down, a small smile gracing his lips, which parted to let a quiet yawn slip past. Gene settled down into his bed, never realizing how comfortable his mattress was until staying on uncomfortable hospital beds for a week. Sleep wasn’t too hard to come by for once, and he drifted off quicker than he has in years, dreams full of his friends, his mom and brother, and even some nice ones of Aaron, all of which left that small smile resting upon his sleeping face, as he took the first few steps into recovery.

#aphmau vylad #aphmau gene #aphmau laurance #Aphmau #aphmau aaron #aphmau aaron lycan #official frgr tag #aphmau pdh #aphmau phoenix drop high #aphmau sasha #aphmau zenix #aphmay travis #gene x aaron #fanfiction #multi-chapter fic #mentions of abuse #mentions of assault tw

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hii! May i ask for a slice of cake? (If you can ofc)

So im a INFP-T virgo im also 4"11 i have dark brown hair it because wayy lighter near the sun. Also dark brown eyes my hair is cut kinda like a shag like the front is cut but the back isn't (bc of my parents) my style is grunge ig? Im very inlove with fairy style Smm but because im broke i cant really fulfil my love for that style (also probably because of my parents). My body is???? Okay my boobies are medium size and no unfortunately I don't have a fat ass 😕 im not chubby but at the same time im not skinny. Like the most fat goes to my tummy I get rolls when I sit down bath blah you get my point (im pretty insecure about it lolol). One of my two main dreams is to study abroad and become an interior decorator.

I dont know how to describe my personality but I will try. My best friend always tells me that my sense of humour is downhill BAD. I would laugh at the dumbest shit ever for example i laughed one of those pixilated bugs pics with random names on the bottom 💀 also I laugh at my own trauma and stuff that shouldn't be laughed at. I kinda have anger issues 😕 I get unmotivated pretty easily. I rant to my best friend alot and she says that im ✨depressed✨ and have ✨anxiety✨ and that i need therapy. Im scared to rant to my parents because im "too young and its just my hormones". Something that I found out about myself this year is i have chill tics 😦 (from anxiety). Outside im nice and sweet but on the inside my mind is just saying other things. Im SOMETIMES cold and say what's on my mind but thats to my close ones like my mom dad or friends. I dont lie going Outside alot I think school is kinda useless. I like to draw and listen to music my fav artist are mother mother and mitski.

I hope i didn't say TOO much anyway thank youu I hope you have/had a great day :)

🍰 for @shotosimp2

Romantic Matchup

Oikawa Tooru

How yall met

Ok im ngl

Y'all had know clue who each other were

Well that's a lie

Of course you knew who Oikawa was

But you just didn't care

Now Oikawa always saw you around school

You know...in the school uniform

But one day

He saw you outside of school in all of your grunge glory

And apart of him was like bitch wtf

And the other was like ok queen i see you 😗

So he approached you and complimented your outfit

And you said thanks and then ran off to wherever you were heading

Wait

You just said thanks???

No fan girling????

Not even a blush??????

Nothing????????????

OIKAWA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

Ok he would understand that reaction if you were just a stranger on the street

But you went to school with him?

So you had to know who he was right?

Yeah my mans had a whole ass crisis because you didn't have a bigger reaction

The next day he went to Iwa and told him about his interaction with you

And he was just like not everyone was to like you ya know

Oikawa: >:o

Then Iwa had a brilliant idea

Get this

Maybe

Oikawa should BEFRIEND you before expecting you to want to talk to him

Wild theory I know

So now Oikawa had a new goal

Befriending you

It actually wasn't that hard since you both had a lot of classes together

Soon enough you guys became close friends

And oikawa was happy with just being your friend

At least...he thought he was

But everything changed when you told him you were going to study abroad for 3 months

And even though you had each others numbers

Everything without you just seemed so dull

Omg

Did he really have feelings for you?

The more time that passed by the more he was sure that he liked you

Like LIKED liked you

So the day you came back to Japan is when he confessed to you

And well you'd be lying if you said you hadn't caught feelings for him too

So you said yes

What they love about you

He loves how normal you treat him

Now hell admit when he first met you he kinda wanted you to treat him like a celebrity

Expected it even

But the more time he spent around you

The more he realized how much he liked being treated normally

Ok screw what your friend says

He loves your humor!

Yall will laugh at the dumbest shit

If we were to look at you and Oikawa's messages

85% of it would be dumb ass memes

And honestly

This boy makes jokes about his trauma too

“Hey Y/N you wanna hear a joke?”

“Sure”

“My existence”

“...”

“...”

“Ayyyyy”

“Ayyyyy”

He loves how easy it is to talk to you

Like he's told you things he hasn't even told Iwa before

And Iwa is his CHILDHOOD BESTIE

So yeah

Trust between you two

ASTRONOMICAL

What you love about them

You love how supportive he is

If you say you wanna do something

He is right behind you cheering you on

You could tell him you want to commit arson

And he'd just be like

Period queen ill bring the gasoline 💅

You can always count on this man to be in your corner

Speaking of

You can always count on oikawa period

Which is another thing that you love about him

If oikawa is anything

He is a man of his word

If he says hes gonna do something

You know he's gonna do it

He's just overall a really reliable person

You love how he just seems to motivate you to do better

Fr after you guys started dating your grades went

Partly because you felt like you needed to compete with him

But mostly because he just motivates and pushes you to do better

And if you do improve on something

He is HYPING you up

“That's my baby! I knew you could do it!”

Favorite things to do together

Yall love to just go to the store and window shop

Im sorry but yall are some broke hoes

So most of the time it's just you guys trying on clothes in the dressing room

Taking pictures of your outfits

Then leaving

Yeah the store employees kinda hate you…

But who cares what they think

And if you two do have some pocket cash you'll buy one or two things

Then blow the rest of your money on that good mall food

Cause why not

Random Hc

He makes fun of your guys height difference ALL THE TIME

But like, can you blame him????

You're not even 5 feet tall!!!

“Imagine being the size of a 10 year old, couldn't be me”

Imagine being taller than the national average height 😐, couldn't be me”

“Touche”

He let you dress him up as an E-Boy ONCE

Ngl tho he dug the eyeliner look 😗

He called you every day while you were studying abroad

He even sent you a oikawa plushie

You may or may not have sent him a video of you drowning it

When you came back to Japan he legit TACKLED you in the middle of the airport

Astrology

Virgo + Cancer

Compatibility 80%

Cancer and Virgo can have a wonderful connection and are usually brought together by sexual understanding.

The main problem of their relationship is in the possible conflict between emotional Cancer and reasonable Virgo.

If they manage to overcome this, accepting each other’s shortcomings and learning to incorporate some rationality or some emotion into their lives, they could end up in an inspiring relationship that will last for a very long time.

In a way, they complement each other as much as the heart complements the mind.

If they share a spark of love, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity for happiness just because of someone’s irrational expectations or someone’s closed heart.

If someone can help Virgo build their trust, it is their Cancer partner.

Although Cancer is a cardinal sign, they are stable by nature, especially when it comes to emotional decisions they have made.

If they have chosen Virgo to be their loving partner, they will have no reason to lie or cheat.

This behavior would only endanger their vision of a shared life and a loving family they want with the partner they chose.

This is also a reason why Cancer won’t have an initial problem with trusting Virgo.

Their convictions are stronger than their doubt.

Overall Aesthetic

Grunge Glamour ✨

Songs -

Tia tamera (Doja Cat)

Verbratem (mother mother

Literal Legend (Ayesha Erotica)

Hayloft (mother mother)

Stupid (ashnikko)

#haikyuu!! #haikyu x reader #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu matchups #oikawa hcs #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa x y/n #oikawa headcanons #oikawa tooru

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not.

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #denali foxx #rosé #fluff #coming of age #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #high school au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw grief #tw homophobia

[abuttoncalledsmalls]

Take A Giant Step - Chapter 7

Warnings: Alcohol, Anxiety, Language, Panic Attack, PTSD episode, Some Sexual Content

Pairings: Frankie Morales x f!OC

Word Count: 1.8K

A/N: Here is Chapter 7! I have tried my best to handle the subject matter the best as I could with the research I’ve done. As for panic attacks, I am just pulling from my vast experience with those. If you would like to be tagged (or un-tagged) in upcoming chapters, please don’t hesitate to let me know. Shout out, as always, to the AMAZINGLY LOVELY @yespolkadotkitty​ for beta-ing this! Please enjoy. <3

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Banner by @yespolkadotkitty​

The smell of stuffed shells baking permeated throughout my small townhouse. I was making last minute preparations for dinner that evening. Frankie was coming over to my place for the first time. Although we had been together officially for three weeks, I still desperately wanted to impress him. That’s how I ended up spending almost the entire day making his favorite dish from scratch. For anyone else, I would have just gotten the premade pasta shells and salad mix. But for Frankie, he was worth every second of frustration I experienced with that damned pasta maker. Only for him, would I have gladly made cannoli and not have complained when a splash of hot oil hit my wrist. Or at least not too much. 

Frankie didn’t know exactly what I was preparing for dinner, but he kept on insisting that I didn’t need to go to a lot of trouble. That he would have been perfectly happy to share an order of McNuggets as long as we were able to spend time together. I was happy to make a fuss over him, though. 

My kitchen windows were open, letting in the warm August breeze and band music from my local park. My county held their annual Founder’s Day celebration that day. Every year our board of supervisors would hold a huge event to commemorate the 1635 founding of Hallifax. It was an entire production with local businesses, community groups, and most residents. There were bands who played throughout the day, a parade that traveled from the courthouse all the way to the park, and a huge finale in the evening involving a fireworks show. While I found myself rolling my eyes at Founder’s Day, I did enjoy the fact that I lived close enough to the park to see the fireworks from my backyard. I had specifically chosen that evening for Frankie to come over because I wanted to share that experience with him. 

Right at 7:00 PM a knock sounded on my front door. I took the shells out of the oven and placed them onto the counter before I went over to let Frankie in. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a boyish grin on his face. He held his hands behind his back and stepped forward.

“Hey.”

“Hi Frankie.” We stood in a bashful silence for a few seconds. It wasn’t an awkward pause, but one based in slight disbelief. How in the world did I manage to enter into a relationship with this beautiful and warm man? I eventually came back to Earth and moved out of the way to invite him in. When he stepped into the house he took his hands from behind his back to reveal a bountiful bouquet of daisies. 

“I, uh, got these for you. I know they’re your favorite and I, uh, thought you’d like them. I picked the prettiest bunch since you’re the prettiest girl.” My cheeks turned pink as I giggled softly. I brought Frankie in to me and kissed his full lips. When I pulled away his eyes were still closed.

“Thank you so much. They are gorgeous. I’ll put them in some water right now. Make yourself at home.” I went into the kitchen and pulled a vase out from one of the island cabinets. Frankie followed me.

“Something smells really good.”

“I hope you’ve come with an appetite, Mr. Morales. I have made stuffed shells in marinara sauce from scratch and a fresh garden salad with veggies obtained from the farmer’s market. For dessert, a special surprise.” I gave him a flirty wink. He gave a small groan in return and pulled me in for another kiss.

“Mmm. I have a huge appetite. Can we start with dessert?” Frankie began to give my neck little kisses as his hands moved to squeeze my ass. My breath hitched and my hands came up to feel his broad shoulders. If the food had not been ready at that moment, he would have been sitting on my sofa with me straddling his lap. It took every ounce of self control I had to break away.

“You’ve got to eat your vegetables like a good boy before you can get your dessert.” He pouted and gave me puppy dog eyes. “I don’t make the rules, baby. I just enforce them.”

“I’ll be good.”

“Fantastic. Then after dessert, you can be as naughty as you want.” He grinned at me and I gave the dimple on his right cheek a peck. “But we need to start eating soon before the food gets cold.”

We both served ourselves, sat down, and began to eat. I asked how Frankie’s day had been. He spent most of the morning building platforms for our scenic stock. Afterwards, he met his friend Milton for coffee and then held his weekly Facetime chat with Santiago. 

“How’s Santiago doing?”

“He’s good. Just started another consultation job with a new company. He might be coming out here again in the next few months. He said this company has a location just outside of town.”

“That would be great! We could have him over for dinner and you two can hang out.”

“I’d like that.” Frankie paused briefly. “Do you know what the best part of my day was?”

“I really hope it’s not related to any of Jeff’s shenanigans…”

“No, but those are fun. It’s getting to spend an evening with my Maggie May over a delicious dinner she made.” I couldn’t help but sheepishly look down and blush. Frankie started calling me Maggie May just days after we began to date. I’d always been Mags, Mango, Maggot, and the very rare Margaret. But it felt right that I was his Maggie May. When I looked up, he greeted me with a sincere smile.

“Thank you, but it’s not like I’m Gordon Ramsay. I just used my mom’s recipe and chopped up some vegetables. That’s all.”

“I don’t know who that is, but I know you made a better meal than they ever have.”

“You’re really laying the good boy act on thick, aren’t you?” His eyes widened and he feigned shock.

“No. I’m being honest and if that just happens to make me a good boy, then it’s a win-win.”

I chuckled as I rose from my chair and gathered our empty plates to take them to the sink. As I began rinsing them off, I felt two strong arms wrap around my middle. Frankie was gently swaying me from side to side as he rested his head on top of mine. 

“Mmmmm, that feels nice,” I responded. “Maybe I can put a pin in doing the dishes at the moment.” I put down the plate I was scrubbing and removed my green rubber gloves. I turned around and moved in closely to his chest.

“Baby -”

BOOM! BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!

All of the sudden, I found myself and Frankie on the floor. His eyes quickly surveyed my kitchen. His breathing quickened.

“What the fuck was that,” he barked.

“I guess they started the fireworks for the celebration at the park already.”

“You knew there were going to be fireworks and you didn’t fucking tell me? Jesus Christ, Maggie!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would be an issue-”

“Well it is. Fuck!”

I felt my heart drop into my stomach. My boyfriend was completely pissed off at me for not giving him advanced notice about a fireworks display. I wanted to cry right there, but I couldn’t. Frankie looked like he was about to trigger into a full blown panic attack and it was my fault. 

“Frankie,” I whispered. He looked at me with rage, panic, and helplessness in his eyes.

BOOM! BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!

“Frankie,” I repeated.”It’s okay. You’re safe. We’re gonna move to another room, away from the fireworks. Is that okay? I’m gonna stay with you the entire time.” 

He nodded his head like an obedient child. I helped him up and we slowly made our way to my bedroom. It was the area farthest from the fireworks. When we got to the room, I sat him gently down on the bed and shut the door. 

“Lay back, honey. Just like that. I’m going to move across the room and turn the fan on. It’s gonna get a little cooler and a soft whirring noise is going to come on.” I walked over to my tower fan and pressed the on button. The fan’s blue power light blinked on and began to blow out cooler air. I moved back closer to Frankie.

“What can I do to help?” His dark chocolate eyes looked up at me. The anger and fear were leaving them only to be replaced with exhaustion. I wanted nothing more than to hold him and let him know that I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was sorry and I should have let him know ahead of time about the display. I tried to blink back tears. Crying at that moment was not going to help him at all. 

“Maggie, hold me?”

“Of course.” I crawled onto my bed and wrapped my arms around him. He nestled in close, resting his head on my chest. I kissed the top of his head.

“I’m sorry that I ruined tonight.”

“You didn’t. It was my fault. I wanted to surprise you with the fireworks and I didn’t even stop to think - “

“No. You were just trying to make tonight special and I fucked it up majorly. I haven’t been near an active combat zone in years and this shit still messes with my head. You’ve got to think I’m a nutcase. A grown man who cowers at fucking fireworks and yells at his girlfriend. I don’t blame you if you want to leave. Find someone normal who doesn’t flip out like this. I’ve tried therapy - it doesn’t do shit. I’m just fucked up.”

I could not believe what I was hearing. Did Frankie really believe that someone would throw him aside over a mental illness? Was there somebody in his past that was cruel enough to actually do that? I gently tilted his chin up and looked into his eyes.

“Francisco, I am not going anywhere. I am wild about and care so much for you. I need you to understand that I am here with you for the long haul. I may not completely understand all of what’s going on, but I am one-hundred percent in your corner and will support you in any way that I can. I promise you.”

“Thank you. Maggie?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you. Can you forgive me?”

“Already forgiven and forgotten.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “The fireworks will continue for another forty minutes. Would playing music or the tv help you?” 

“That would be nice.”

“How about Cheers?” I grabbed my remote, logged onto Hulu, and pressed play. Frankie adjusted his position to that of the little spoon so he could see the television. I didn’t mind being his big spoon that night. I wanted to protect him from all harm - real or perceived - and completely envelop him in my love. Fifteen minutes into the episode, Frankie looked back at me.

“Maggie May?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Can we have dessert tomorrow?”

“Absolutely.”

---------------------

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@ah-callie​

#frankie catfish morales #Frankie x OC #Catfish X OC #Francisco Morales #frankie morales #triple frontier #catfish morales #frankie morales fanfic #Francisco catfish morales #abuttoncalledsmalls #Takeagiantstep #catfish morales fic

[spit-out-the-dust]

Timeline.

I wanted to come up with a great title as though I were writing a book. When I wrote down the homework “Create a timeline of your sexuality” I did not want to do just a basic timeline because for one: I am a dusty writer (dusty meaning it’s been years since I have actually wrote anything.) for two: I can’t heal if I don’t get it all down. 

I would start with Once Upon A Time: but instead I’ll start with what I remember. 

Third grade. I remember in the third grade I was sitting in class and I was masturbating. Obviously I didn’t know that this is what I was doing, and it wasn’t the “fingering myself” kind of self pleasure it was this rocking motion that I did with my legs that always gave me this sensational pleasure that I loved. I did this often. Very often. I remember making eye contact with the teacher and in my mind I thought I could do it slowly and she wouldn’t notice. I don’t really know if she noticed or not because I don’t remember her saying anything or stopping me. 

A lot of my childhood during that time is a blur to me. I know I need therapy. I know there are dark moments that my mind has blocked out. But since we are doing the timeline I will stick with how the timeline works and we will come back to some of the dark times. 

Fifth grade I come home. There are images all over the house of naked women. Everywhere. My mother is crying and she makes me leave the house. I go to the neighbor’s house. I’ve no idea what is going on. I have no idea why there are naked women all over my house.

I’m in middle school. I remember being so awkward. I truly believed I was so ugly. He wasn’t my real dad but he was what I knew as my dad. He was their dad and I just accepted him as mine because he was all I ever knew. His name was Scott. Sixth grade. I remember him making fun of my breasts. “you don’t need a bra you just need a band aid” he always made comments about my body. He would tell me I needed makeup. That I wasn’t pretty without it. He made me do weird things. give him body massages. listen to him as he cried about my mother leaving him. Listen to him about her affair. Everyone at school was experimenting. I remember Jamie came back to school and had mentioned getting “fingered” by Thomas. Sixth grade. I was disgusted by this. I did not want anyone to hug me let alone “finger” me. I had a couple of boyfriends in middle school but they would want to kiss me and I was very uncomfortable with that so I did not keep boyfriends. 

My step dad does come into the picture. He is nice to me but there is still so much that makes me uncomfortable with him trying to love on me like hugs... I don’t trust him. at all. I see that he is good to mom but there is still so much toxicity and I don’t like being touched, at all. 

Highschool. I still had not started my period. I still did not feel like a woman. I still masturbated all the time. I did not want my mom to know or anyone, I was very ashamed and embarrassed because I did not know why my body loved it so much and why I felt so good afterwards. I was finally allowed to wear more makeup and I hid behind mascara mostly. Scott continued to tell me I was ugly. He doted on Loren, a lot. I was so jealous of her because she was the favorite. I now realize what was happening but at the time I just felt worthless and ugly. 

Sixteen years old. I got my first real boyfriend. I say real because I finally let a boy kiss me. I had started my period and decided I would never have sex because it hurt so bad putting a tampon in. I really liked this boy and for once felt beautiful. He even made me feel beautiful without makeup. I thought for sure I had finally found something in my life that made sense. He didn’t make fun of my body. I let him get past second base at a football field. Two cops on horses caught us and thought we were having sex, we weren’t. But I finally figured out why girls liked that fingering thing so much. 

College. This was completely new for me. I had pretty much started blocking my family out. My sister was having bad dreams all the time. she started sleeping in my bed because she couldn’t stay in her room. She talked about a shadow at the end of her bed. There was a lot of chaos in the family because she was a lesbian and my mother would not accept it. No one really worried about me so I was not paid a lot of attention to which I didn’t mind because I was “in love” and happy. 

Nineteen years old. I finally did it. I fully gave myself away to the man who I was convinced I was going to marry. Growing up in a baptist church I was told that if I had sex before marriage I was basically nothing more than a whore. I really wanted to be better than the horrible stories my mother told me about when she slept with every guy she knew in highschool. it made sense though because I was beautiful to him and he loved me so I gave myself to him. We had been together for awhile now. It made sense. 

End of freshman year of college. found out at some point that my “true love” had been cheating on me. All of the confidence I had built up in myself, completely and utterly shattered. He then got married a few short months later and I don’t know what happened but I lost myself. Or maybe I found myself. All I know is that I started having sex regularly, starting with his bestfriend. My friends were turning to liquor and marijuana and mushrooms and all I wanted was sex. I went from never wanting anyone to touch me to putting myself into situations where I didn’t even want to sleep with the person but I felt like if I didn’t I would be a tease. My sexuality was found in my body completely.  twenty years old. I have somehow developed curves. Nothing major, but my ass is huge now and I’m getting a lot of attention. I find my sexuality completely and totally in my body and the control I can have with it. Guys who made fun of me in highschool were showing up at college parties wanting to dance and wanting to bring me home. I felt in control because of this. I was being noticed. I found myself in them noticing me. I dressed the part and even pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I didn’t stare for long in mirrors. But I was accepted by everyone else. 

I finally had a night that snapped me awake. He tried to rape me and I was able to get to my phone and send out a text to a good friend who showed up. I remember falling on the concrete and crying. She brought me inside her dorm and I slept for almost three days straight. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. 

I got a phone call. My sister had finally opened up that Scott had been sexually abusing her. she needed therapy. she started therapy and the therapist told her that if she unlocked everything within her mind she might not recover. But she had already remembered. She told me, a lot. My mother told me she was crazy and it wasn’t true. I buried myself into school and continued to push my family away because it was too much. I was so selfish. I was so lost

I met him. He was so incredibly toxic. an alcoholic. a cheater. an abuser. but it just made sense. his son was perfect and I had found my calling with children. I needed to save them. This will come to make sense later. 

I fell in love with his son and decided I could fix him and make it work. That he was just broken like me and I was better at hiding my brokenness than he was. So I made all the excuses. He also cheated a few times. Couldn’t prove it but it was there. the other women. I never added up. Probably because without makeup I’m a twelve year old boy. not pretty. The words of Scott always flashing before my eyes. His words never making me feel anything other than just enjoyable in bed. 

I start to volunteer with abused and battered children. I volunteer with a lot but there is something within the training of this particular place I volunteered at where things start to make sense. My brain starts to realize that everything with Loren growing up makes a little more sense. Me masturbating so young makes a little more sense. I try to talk to mom and she shuts me down. So I bury it. Knowing that someone in my life hurt me as a child, I can feel it. I know this is true. I know what Loren is saying is true. 

Dillon starts to have bad anger issues and gets in trouble with law enforcement. His anger is so bad. 

I graduate. I’m pregnant, which is a miracle, my doctor had told me I couldn’t ever carry full term and the likelihood of having a kid was pretty non existent. 

But I have her. I get married. I start my job as a foster care worker right out of college. eight months pregnant. 

I marry for all the wrong reasons but I had stopped believing in “true love” because mine was never real in my head and I just really wanted to save this man and his son so that my daughter could have a dad. Something I never fully had, and when I did have it it wasn’t healthy because something was clearly wrong with me. 

The marriage is awful. We work different shifts. I feel so ugly all the time. We stop having sex completely. I’m not feeling sexy. I’m tired all the time. work is so much. I get involved with a multi level marketing business. They fill me up with positivity and for me I think maybe this is what I’m missing. I meet a man in Johnson City who says things to me that I haven’t heard since I was sixteen. I feel beautiful again. I fall into that trap. I have a full on affair. my mentors in my life find out and step in. I am made to feel completely awful. Like I am nothing but a harlot. They tell me I have to fix my marriage and that everything that i complain about with him it’s really me that needs to be fixed. I completely believe this and for two years I feel like I’m worthless and I have completely destroyed my life. I read books. SO MANY BOOKS. I find Jesus again. Baptism. I completely fix myself. So I think. I’m still miserable. He still makes me feel like I’m nothing. Not beautiful. Nothing. 

I decide I don’t want to do foster care anymore. I want to be an investigator. I want to fully save children. 

I start my training and that is when it happens. 

I’m sitting in class and I black out. 

I remember more. I am four, maybe five years old. I’m sitting on the cold floor and I’m crying. I can hear them snoring in the bed. He had just finished being in my room. he had just finished with me. I remember me and loren and dillon in the bedroom. Touching each other. I remember him walking in and catching us. He said nothing. Did nothing. I remember Loren having her bad dreams and him coming into our bedroom. I remember him making them sleep in the bed with him. It comes flooding over me. 

I try to talk to him about it. he tells me I’m messed up. I need help. I’m not ready for therapy yet. I’m not ready for help. I start reading. watching documentaries. podcasts. I realize now why I’m saving children. I realize now that I’m saving the children where I couldn’t save them. I realize now that some children block it out. Their brain doesn’t want the trauma so subconsciously it blocks out the pain. Mine is completely blocked out. I call Loren and Dillon and ask them to sit down and talk about things. Dillon won’t. He isn’t ready. Loren comes. it’s bad. She remembers so much and then I am able to fill in some pieces as well. 

I call mom and she finally tells me so much. So much fucked up shit. His mom walking in on him in the shower talking about his dick. Him masturbating all over the house and mom finding random socks and tissues with cum all over the house. She told me I was masturbating as early as three years old. That my grandmother had walked in on him naked with me. But that mom took me to the doctor and he saw no concerns and so she put it out of her mind. She didn’t know that doctors cannot always tell if a child has been sexually abused because not every child is penetrated and even the ones who are they can heal so quickly.... she didn’t know any better and yet I am so angry because I feel as though she should have. She tells me about the weird pictures he would take of me. She tells me about the things he used to say to her. She tells me about how sick he was in the bedroom and not like the rough choking sex I like or wanting to be bit so hard that marks are left.... but stuff that should have been a sign to her that he was not right in the head. 

So much fucked up stuff and my head is killing me. I’m so mad. I’m at sonic in my car and I am yelling at her and blaming her because she knew how fucked up he was and she let him be around us. I’m mad because it’s her fault that we were abused. 

I shut down completely. I can’t have sex. I can’t be touched. I dive into work so much. I have to save them all. I have to make up for all the times I turned my back on Loren and just believed she wanted attention. I have to make up for all the times I was so jealous because she was the “special child” she was the “pretty one” she was the “favorite” she was the one always being “doted on” I’m sick to my stomach now because I realize it ALL. I know why she started dressing like a boy. I know why she stopped shaving and wanted to look like a boy.... she just wanted him to stop. She blamed herself and wanted him to stop noticing her. she wanted to be invisible. I am losing myself in my thoughts and my job and just being a good mom. I have to be the best mom ever i can’t ever allow my children to see such pain... So much that I don’t notice that he starts talking to another girl. I ask him if he wants a divorce. He tells me he does. He tells me that he has so much resentment built up towards me because I want to change the world and he doesn’t care about anything or anyone and that I make him feel like a bad person. He tells me I care more about the children at work than I do him and he is envious of my love for children and our children. So we split up. I refuse to change. I’m crying on the bathroom floor. He walks in and shakes his head. He leaves. 

I am once again naive. I seek comfort in the arms of another man. a married one. one who I was told was going through what I was. he pretended to care about the trauma. Even spoke to the DA about prosecution even after all of these years. I fell in love. I felt beautiful again and I felt like someone understood what I was going through. Someone didn’t think I was damaged but stated that my scars made me who I was and I was beautiful. I find that I would do anything for him. I had never put a man as such a priority. But it doesn’t last. he goes back because he wasn’t honest. with me or her. I realize that my judgement in people is fucked up. bad. I realize that I can’t make good decisions. 

I once again feel like I am nothing. I have no good judgement in love. in relationships at all. I’m not truly beautiful. I’m just a good time for people. I do it to myself. It is all my fault. I’m broken. I’m bruised. So I find my sexuality in that. I am just a good time for people, like I was in college. Just a nice piece of ass. 

The divorce is really happening. I’m completely made to believe that I am broken and the problem. No one will ever put up with me. No one will ever love me. 

I get a facebook message. He invites me over and in my mind I’m just going to go back to that time in college. I just need sex. I need to feel wanted and needed and desired. We have sex. The next day though he wants me to stay. he wants to spend time with me. This wasn’t supposed to happen but I just go along with it. 

The divorce finalizes. He tells me he has decided I’m pretty without make up and he wants me back. I ask him why he married me. He tells me it was the blow jobs. Once again nothing more than just sex. 

So I show up after the facebook message. He tells me he wants to take things slow. Of course my mind is toxic and so I think this means he just wants to use me for sex, because that’s all I’m good for anyways. I’m not actually pretty, my body is great because the yoga and the running from where work fucks with my mind has paid off... but I’m fucked up mentally and no one truly will want to stick through it...  The sex is good and this is all I am. I am good for nothing but sex. I cannot be a real thing for anyone because I am fucked up. I’m a mess. 

As time goes on he is kind to me. He calls me beautiful all the time. always compliments me. for more than just my looks though. He notices things I have never even noticed. I’m passionate. I’m caring. I’m persistent. I’m not messed up. My bruises and my brokenness actually have made me better. I can truly relate to these children and they know. So they tell me. They open up. They tell me about their demons because they see my own demons in my eyes.

He accepts me for me. He makes me communicate and open up. He doesn’t just let me walk away. I tried. I keep thinking it’s too good to be true. It’s been fourteen months. Can someone actually be this good? This kind? I still have nightmares. I don’t sleep well. I have hit him during a bad dream. I get scared. I have black outs. I need therapy. we both know this. I just haven’t made the time. but he is so patient. 

My sexuality timeline has always been in the hands of someone else. I was told by someone who pretended to be my father that my sexuality was in my makeup, was in my body, and he took away my innocence to where I was ashamed and did not want anyone to touch me but I also loved the way getting off felt and I was ashamed of that.... because of him. 

I then found my sexuality in another man. Who built me up and cheated and I lost it all again. My sexuality has been in makeup. relationships.... my trauma.... having sex.... having rough sex and wondering why I like pain so much and then realizing that I will like any and everything I can to just simply feel alive and desired in that moment of intimacy because I can’t slow down long enough to capture what real intimacy means and I’m afraid to be that open and it isn’t just a cute facebook meme, I actually choke up and start shaking when being open is an option. I shut down. I cry in showers. I hyperventilate. It is all very real even though I say I don’t let it consume me, it has. 

all the psychology books explains why I am the way I am in so many ways. I understand why everything happened the way it did with my sister. she has tried alcohol. drugs... everything to block out the pain. I have blocked it out with sex and work. Saving as many kids as I can. I’m not healed. I am still finding my sexuality in a man...only this time at least it is a good man. But I am determined to realize what my own sexuality is, without anyone else defining it for me. without my trauma defining it for me. I am taking those next steps. 

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons Ending B pt 2.1

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

BIG WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, DRUGS, SUICIDE

This chapters too big 💀 it has to be 2 parts!!

Steve's POV

After Billy left I stalked into the kitchen to pull a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. What the fuck does he know anyway?

Does he know what the crushing weight in my chest feels like? How it threatens to crush bone and send shards piercing through flesh? Does it hurt when he breathes too? Like every part of being alive is wrong now?

He said he loved her but then why is he okay with her being gone?

When I had gotten through a quarter of the bottle, my curiosity for the notebook got the best of me and I stumbled to grab it and bring it back to the table. Inside were taped in photos of Billy, Max and I in between pages of drawings. I realized this was essentially her diary when I saw the scribbles of writing every now and again. Just small snippets of her thoughts scattered throughout the pages.

"I think things could get better here, I have some good friends now."

"Billy....I think I love him."

"I was wrong. Things are worse. Much worse."

"Steve makes things easier, I don't deserve him."

"Billy and I can't be together anymore. I don't know if I can do this."

"I slept with Steve...Billy and I are definitely over now...I love them both and now I fucked everything up."

I get it now. She felt that same crushing, endless weight, like you're drowning and you can't figure out where the water ends.

I shoved the book away, my face screwing up as I tried to fight back tears. Brought a hand up to push the heel of my palm against my eye, as if I could push the emotion back in. A wet sob left me when the dam broke and I sank my head into my arms to let out everything I'd been trying to hold back.

It took a while for me to bring my head up so I could bring the whiskey back to my lips. Let it pour and burn down my throat, trying to chase away the pain. With a huff, I wiped my face and pulled the book back.

"Steve's saved my life more than I deserve. Sometimes I think he should have let me go, I hate hurting him. I need to get away."

"Billy knows now, but I think it's too late. I'm so tired, so fucking tired."

"I love them, I love them so much it hurts. But I don't know if love is enough to fix me."

"I'm sorry."

--

I tried to call Billy the next morning after burying my hangover in more alcohol.

"Hello?"

"Max? Max, you gotta..gotta get that fucker on the phone for me."

"Steve? Are you okay?"

Her worried tone set my teeth on edge and I cracked, unleashed a little of my simmering anger on her.

"No, I'm not fucking okay! Put him on the phone!"

There was a moment of silence before Billy's growling voice came over the phone.

"Wanna tell me why you're yelling at my sister, Harrington?"

"How could you drop that shit on me and then leave? You fucking asshole!" I spat.

I knew I was pushing Billy to the edge, but couldn't bring myself to care if I would be on the receiving end of his anger.

"You really want to fight this out, Steve? You know it's not gunna end well."

"Yeah, let's..let's fucking fight...I've got nothing left to lose anyway."

He seemed caught off guard and went quiet for a minute before sighing, "Steve. Do you really think Cat would want to see you like this?"

"She's not...not fucking here now, is she? She can't see us, fucking fight me."

He let out a low chuckle, "you're still running."

I sputtered, even angrier now, "fuck you! Fight me!"

Billy let out another sigh, "sober up. If you call and yell at Max again we're gunna have problems."

--

My parents arrived like a whirlwind that night, fuming and red faced, my dad screaming as soon as his feet hit the doorway.

"STEVEN! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!"

I hung my head as I left the safety of my room and stumbled out to face them. Mom was on me in an instant, grabbing my head and turning it all around to inspect me while Dad yelled in the background. Luckily, I had left the hospital with only minor things, though she clucked over the cut in my forehead. Her moving me was making me dizzy, nauseous, and I groaned when I tried to push her hands away.

"Are you drunk? Jesus, Steven, are you trying to destroy my reputation?" Dad's tyrade continued, "how could you do this to me? You're a fucking embarrassment!"

He stormed out of the entryway, no doubt going to find himself something to drink, leaving me to continue being prodded at by my mom.

"Oh, Steven," she sighed, "This isn't like you. Drinking and driving? How could you be so stupid?"

As if you'd know, I thought, you're never here. You don't know me.

"It was an accident," I mumbled.

"Well I would hope so. What's going on with you? We got a call saying you haven't been at school in a month and then this. You can't graduate if you don't go to class, Steven."

Graduation.

She didn't get to graduate. Didn't make it out of highschool.

I was so raw from repeatedly going through the notebook that my breath started to hitch again and my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't hold myself up anymore.

My face crumpled as sobs started racking my body again.

"Mom," I sobbed.

My mom stumbled back a couple steps when I slumped into her, burying my wet face in her shoulder.

"Steve, what? What happened?"

I hiccuped out sobs, my gut heaving so hard it hurt. My head was swimming, the crying, alcohol and concussion mixing together so I couldn't think.

"Steve, talk to me."

"She..she killed herself and...and it's my fault."

Mom's hand gently smoothed down my heaving back, "Honey, who killed themself?"

"She w-was my best friend," I stuttered, clutching at my mom's coat desperately.

She cooed gently and slowly led me to the couch to sit with me curled into her chest.

"Sweetie, I'm sure it wasn't your fault."

"I-it was...I wasn't there, and, and I should have been...she needed me...and now I, I can't stop..can't..it h-hurts, I don't want to hurt anymore..I n-need help, Mom."

Her arms tightened around my back, "we can get you help, okay? I'll get it all figured out before we have to leave again. Do you have a friend who can take you into the city until you get a new car?"

I didn't know if I did anymore but I nodded anyway, my voice lost behind the knot in my throat. My mom let me cry until my eyes felt puffy and I had nothing left and then I slowly pushed myself up to sit on the edge of the couch. She followed, sitting up beside me with a worried look in her eyes.

"Sorry about the car," I mumbled, "Dad's gunna kill me."

"Let me worry about your father, okay?"

"Thanks, Mom."

--

Therapy and AA meetings. That's what I had to agree to before my parents left right after Christmas. Go the therapy, go through the steps, take the rest of this year but enroll back in school to graduate a year late with Billy. I decided to call the Hargrove house after not hearing from Billy for a week, swallowing any shred of pride I had left to ask him for help.

"Hello?" Max answered, her chipper voice mixing with my hangover to make my head pound.

"Max," I mumbled, "hey."

"Steve? Oh...hey, uh..I haven't heard from you in a while.."

"Yeah..yeah, sorry.."

I heard a low voice in the background, talking to Max.

"It's Steve...hey!"

There was a shuffling before Billy's voice rumbled in my ear.

"Harrington? You alright?"

"Yeah, fine..."

"Don't fucking lie to me," he growled.

There was a moment of silence, both of us trying to figure out where to go now.

"I miss you, brother," I murmured, slumping against the wall, "I need your help."

He sighed, sounding relieved, "I'm coming."

--

Billy showed up at my door, took one look at my puffy face and pulled me into a hug, crushing me in his arms a little too hard.

"Are you okay?"

"No," I mumbled before clearing my throat and speaking louder, "no, I'm not. I'm fucking sad."

"I know, man. I know, I'm sad too," Billy murmured, tightening his arms around me even more.

"Billy," I grunted, "hurts, can't breathe."

He patted his hand on my back before releasing me, "I'm glad you called me, Steve. I was starting to worry about you."

I huffed, "listen...I'm sorry..."

"For what? You didn't do anything. I mean other than yell at Max and I, but I understand. I feel the same way. I'm angry too, brother...so fucking angry...and sad," he cleared his throat, "it's not your fault, you don't have anything to be sorry for."

I sniffed, trying to hold myself together, "thanks, Billy."

"You will have to apologize to Max though and I'm warning you, she requires groveling."

I smirked, a puffy laugh coming out of my nose.

"So what made you decide to call me? Not that I don't want help you, but you didn't seem like you wanted help."

"The book..I've read it a thousand times I think, some of the things she wrote..I've uh..thought some of the same things..and I realized I can't do this by myself."

He walked into the kitchen while I talked to look through the fridge, "yeah, some of it was really hard to read...want a beer?"

He emerged from the fridge with two cans and held one out to me.

I reached out and took it, swallowing a large gulp before clearing my throat, "actually...I want to talk to you about something...I need a favor."

Billy's eyebrow lifted, "what's going on, Steve?"

I took a deep breath, "I uh...I need a ride into the city once a week, just until I get a new car. I know it's a lot to ask," I started rambling," and I can pay you for the gas and if you don't want to that's okay, I can figure something else-"

"I'll do it."

"What?"

He stared hard at me, "I said, I'll do it. You need help, I'll help you. Just tell me why."

"Billy.." I looked away from him, fiddled with the beer can in my hand.

"Just spit it out, I'll find out anyway. What do I gotta drive you to the city every week for?"

"AA," I mumbled.

"What?"

"AA meetings...Alcoholics Anonymous..and therapy. Once a week."

"Oh shit, Steve," he looked surprised, held up the can in his hand, "is this not allowed?"

I gave him a small smirk, "haven't started yet. But yeah, until I get myself back together, no more drinking."

"Fuck, you just got a lot more boring," he teased, smirking at me.

"Asshole."

"Hey, you knew that when you called me. Seriously, brother, I'm glad you're getting help. I'd do anything for you."

"Same. Anything."

I smiled, could see a tiny light shine through the dark in my brain, "hey, you got that box you were talking about?"

--

Inside the shoebox that Billy had stored in his car was the entirety of Cat's life here in Hawkins. The entirety of our relationships with her, all neatly packed into one painful box.

Movie ticket stubs and pictures. Pictures of Billy and I playing basketball back when we hated each other, of Cat bundled up to go out, Max skateboarding with her hair flying out behind her, me looking into the distance with the ghost of a smile, Billy blowing out a cloud of smoke that swirled around him. There were so many pictures.

A couple well loved shirts that she had stolen from Billy were rolled up tight and tucked into one side, the smell of her still clinging to the fabric. A couple flattened boxes of tea that she had enjoyed and some dried flowers. Mixtapes with colorful hearts painted on them. At the bottom of the box was a smaller box with jewelry inside. Rings that didn't fit on her tiny fingers anymore, and a delicate silver heart hanging from a chain with a broken clasp.

"Jesus," I rasped, "where'd you find this?"

He took a hard drag off his cigarette, talking around the smoke curling from his mouth, "Julie gave it to me when I stopped by."

"You went to her house?"

He hummed, nodding his head, "yep. Been a few times. Julie said we're all welcome there."

"Why? Why would you want to go back there without her?"

Billy shrugged, fingers fidgeting with the necklace in his lap, "Julie's nice, and she doesn't like to be alone," he let out a long sigh, "sometimes, it feels like Cat's just in her room, waiting...she never is obviously, but I check. All the time."

I fell quiet, let the sadness in for a brief moment as he reached up to take his necklace off and threaded the heart charm onto it before placing it back over his head.

"I'm scared, Billy...scared that I'll forget her."

"So don't forget her, Steve. I never will. We can still love and remember her and let her go."

"When did you get so smart, Hargrove?"

He smirked, "Julie's been going to therapy since Cat...we talk about it all the time. It helps."

"Ahh so you're just repeating what Julie told you?"

He smiled and tapped his nose, "watered down but yeah."

"Thanks, Brother."

--

Billy stopped drinking almost completely as I went through AA, made the switch with me to soda and smoking weed. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted.

"Don't want a beer gut," he'd joked.

He would drive me to the city every week for therapy and AA meetings after which, I would spend the next couple hours exhausted and drawn into myself while I went over everything in my head. It took weeks, months even, to unpack my guilt over Cat's death. To realize that I didn't deserve to feel guilty over something I didn't do and that I tried my best to help Cat but it was not my job to fix her. I learned that I was allowed to be angry, to feel abandoned and hurt, but that I couldn't let that control my life.

Even when I got a new car, Billy still drove me.

"I like getting out of Hawkins, sue me," he'd said when I asked him why he still carted me around.

I knew it was more than that, that Billy and I cared about each other and he wanted to be there for me. I could tell because every time I got a new sober chip, he'd have a genuine smile on his face while he congratulated me and we'd celebrate with ice cream or donuts.

--

Billy and I graduated at the same time, both our hearts heavy as we thought about Cat never crossing that stage. We retreated to my house afterwards to get high and gorge ourselves on all the junk food we could find. Spent the night watching movies and wistfully talking about Cat, how she should have been here, how much we missed her. We made a high promise to move to California together and get tattoos for her. We were so out of his mind, I didn't think either of us would remember and our words would just be lost in the wind.

--

He remembered.

A month after we graduated Billy showed up at my house with a list of available apartments all over San Diego, Los Angeles and San Francisco.

"Where are we moving, Steve? I don't care as long as there's a beach."

I laughed a little, only stopping when I saw the hurt look on his face, "wait, what? You're serious?"

The look disappeared, replaced by the old 'I don't care' front Billy used to always have up, "don't be stupid, Harrington, I'm just fucking with you."

"Oh come on, we were so high I didn't think we would even remember saying that we were moving together."

Billy took a cigarette out of his jacket and stuck it between his teeth to light it, "I thought you wanted to get the fuck out of Hawkins. That it hurts too much to be here."

"Well, yeah," I mumbled, "I do..want to leave."

He smirked the front falling down again, "then pack your shit, we can leave when summer's over. You'll love California, gunna burn like crazy though."

--

That was the last summer we spent in Hawkins. We loaded up everything we could fit into our cars and spent three days driving across the country to San Diego. After we settled in, I phoned my parents to let them know where I was so they could ship our furniture and to let them know if they were on this side of the country to stop in. I knew they wouldn't, but I offered anyway. Billy quickly called Max, told her if she needed to escape to let us know, that he'd come get her if he had to.

I found a job at an arcade, which was crazy and fun and didn't pay great but did pay my half of our bills with a little left over. Billy started working at a mechanic's shop that he really liked. The first thing we did after settling in was find a tattoo shop and get matching tattoos for Cat. There was a picture in her journal of a couple little flowers that we got with her name on our wrists.

--

As it neared the anniversary of Cat's death I found myself slipping. Down into that dark place where all I could think was 'what was it about me that wasn't good enough?' I stayed up all night, asking again and again as if she'd come out of the shadows and give me the answer. The answer that I hadn't found even when I had been going to therapy.

Found myself hiding in my car or room, chasing away the cold with sips of burning alcohol. Just enough to take the edge off, I'm still sober, I thought as I hid cans and bottles in the bottom of the trash can.

Max's phone call was what set me over the edge.

I walked in to Billy stomping around our apartment, throwing clothes into a duffle bag and cursing.

"What's going on?"

"I need to go," he huffed, going to the bathroom to grab his things.

"Go? What do you mean?"

"It's Max," he called, "she needs me to come get her."

Fuck.

"Y-yeah, okay, is she okay?"

"I don't, I don't fucking know, Steve. She just, she needs me," he came back and threw a bunch of stuff in his bag, zipping it up before looking at me, "I'll be gone a week, you gunna be okay?"

The anniversary of her death was only a couple days away, of course I wasn't okay.

"Yeah," I lied, a fake smile on my face, "I'll be fine. Go get Max."

He was too preoccupied to second guess me, just clapped me on the shoulder and quickly pulled me in for a hug before running out the door with a, "see you soon, brother."

I drank myself blind every minute I wasn't at work that week.

Billy's POV

Any signs of Steve not being okay were pushed to the back of my head when Max called. She hadn't told me what happened, just said she needed to leave so I quickly called my boss, packed some shit and started driving.

--

I pulled up to the house in the dead of night, when I knew it would be easiest to sneak Max out. Swallowed down my anxiety to quietly move up the lawn towards her window and tap lightly on the glass. A minute later, the curtain moved and I saw her pale face peering out into the darkness. She saw me standing there and slid the window open as quietly as she could, both of us wincing whenever there was a noise, waiting for the monster that was Neil. Both of us let out a breath when the house stayed dark and Max disappeared to push a bag out the window. I grabbed it and gently set it on the ground before helping her climb out the window and running back to my car. Threw her bag in the back seat and gathered her into my arms for a hug that I could tell she desperately needed by the way she clutched the back of my jacket.

"Does Susan know you're leaving? Or are you gunna be on the side of milk cartons tomorrow?" I tried to lighten the mood a little once inside the car.

"She knows. Don't need to worry," Max snipped.

I didn't ask questions, just nodded and turned my music on low for the drive. After a few minutes I noticed a light snore coming from Max. She had tucked herself into the door of the Camaro and fallen asleep on her arm.

The light purple bruise on her cheek set me off, reignited a raging fire in my gut that begged me to turn the car around and teach that fucker a lesson.

--

We were finally driving into San Diego when I finally asked her. Up until this point we talked about what we'd been doing since I left and stayed far away from the subject of the bruise on her face but I needed to know and I knew it would be easier to talk about it now rather than in front of Steve.

"So..you gunna tell me what he did?"

Max looked down at her lap, tried changing the subject, "how's Steve? Is he still doing okay?"

I ran a hand along the side of my face, "you can ask him yourself when we get there. Don't change the subject."

"Billy..."

"Max, what happened?"

She sighed and looked out the side window, "after you left, things were good, great actually for a while, but a couple months ago he started getting angry again."

"Has this been happening for months? And you just called me now?"

"No, he just started yelling. All the time, about everything. At first it was just at mom but then he started yelling at me too."

I could see Max's nails digging into her hand, knew she was trying to stay strong, even if her chin was wavering.

"I kept asking mom to leave, to take us away from him...but she wouldn't."

I sighed, Susan never did know when enough was enough.

"He caught me sneaking out, was halfway through the window when the light turned on," she swallowed hard before continuing, "drug me back inside and," Max's hands came up to make air quotes, "taught me about respect."

My hands tightened on the steering wheel until my knuckles bleached, "jesus, Max."

She chewed her lip, "I tried all the next day to get mom to leave, go to the cops...something. But she wouldn't, so I told her I'm not staying here and I was calling you to get me. She agreed to it, even said she'd help me."

"Fuck.."

Max snorted, "yeah, fuck...so, how's things been? Having fun out here?"

"Yeah," I smiled, "yeah, it's been nice out here. Easier."

Max nodded and shifted restlessly in the seat, "good, that's good."

--

Thanksgiving rolled around and Steve's parents had insisted on taking him out for lunch since they were in the area. While he was gone, Max and I went shopping for dinner and snacks.

We were placing appies on baking sheets when Steve finally stormed back into the apartment and immediately closed himself in his room.

A look of confusion crossed Max's face, "what's up with him?"

I shook my head, "shitty parents? He's been moody lately, probably needs to go back to therapy."

"Well should you talk to him?"

"Yeah," I murmured, "yeah, I should. You got this?"

Max nodded once, "yep!"

I left her in charge of dinner to stand in front of the door to Steve's room, taking a deep breath before tapping my knuckle against the door.

"What?"

"Better be dressed, brother, I'm coming in," I said as I opened the door.

Steve was lying sideways across his bed, blowing thick clouds of smoke past his lips as he stared at the ceiling. I stepped in and closed the door behind me before leaning against it.

"What's going on?"

He sat up slowly and flicked his cigarette into the ash tray next to his bed. I noticed it was overflowing and that ashes had started piling onto the table.

"Nothing."

"Harrington, don't bullshit me. Aren't we past that?"

He huffed but didn't let anything out so I continued, "you've been down for a while now, are you doing okay?"

That seemed to hit him, to crack through the wall he had put up, I could see in the way his face fell, how the anger dropped away.

"I just..need some time, I think. Everything's been a lot.."

I nodded, "hey, I get it. We got Max living with us now, holidays are coming, family sucks," I crossed the room to drop a hand on his shoulder, "but don't hide away from us, okay? I'm here for you."

"Yeah..yeah, okay. Just give me a bit, I'll come out and eat with you guys."

I clapped my hand on his shoulder, "dinner is in half an hour."

--

Max and I had finished making dinner, set everything out on the kitchen counters and were ready to fill our plates when Steve came out of his room.

"Hey, Steve," Max grinned, holding out a plate for him.

He offered up a tight smile when he took the plate, "thanks, Max. Smells awesome you guys."

We piled up our plates and sat around the table, started to dig in until Max stopped us.

"Wait, we need to say what we're thankful for."

I groaned, "Max."

"Come on, Billy, it's tradition!"

"Fine," I grumbled, quickly swallowing my mouthful of food, "I'm thankful that my family is here now, safe and I never have to set foot in fucking Hawkins again."

Max smiled at him before clearing her throat, "alright, I'll go next. I'm thankful to be here, away from Neil and to both of you for letting me live with you."

Steve smiled at her before he started talking, "I...I'm thankful to..to have family that cares about me," his smile faltered, "and...and I'm...I haven't been sober," Steve's resolve cracked and tears gathered in his eyes, "not since before you went to get Max. Her death...I just..I'm sorry, I'm sorry for lying about it and..for failing. I...I think I need more help."

"Steve," I started, standing up to go around the table and comfort him, "don't be sorry, you didn't fail. If you need more help we can do that. I can take you to AA again, okay?"

He nodded, face crumpling as he leaned into my shoulder. Max stood up and slid an arm around Steve's back.

"I love you guys," he mumbled.

Steve went back to therapy after calling his mom and admitting he still needed help. After a while he even found the answer he needed in order to move on.

--

We found a bigger place just after Christmas that year so we could each have our own room instead of Max sleeping on the couch. Through short lived relationships and one night stands, we stayed there for the next few years until Max went to college. Then it was just Steve and I until he wanted to move in with his new girlfriend. So we packed up our place and he moved in with his girlfriend and I moved into a smaller place by myself on the beach. We were only a twenty minute drive from each other so we could still see each other all the time and I could still take Steve to AA meetings. He doesn't go all the time anymore, just once every month or so.

We learned to live without Cat, the sting never went away, not fully anyway, but it didn't threaten to overwhelm anymore. Steve, Max and I would all gather together for the holidays with the people we were dating but the weekend of her death stayed just Steve and I. Sometimes Max was there, but usually he and I would stay at my place and hang out together. We'd smoke up, pig out on food and remember Cat. He stopped feeling like he was drowning when he thought about her, could instead remember the good times with a watery smile.

We weren't always okay, not right away but every day would get a little better. The three of us would always be there for each other.

#billy hargrove fluff #billy hargrove #stranger things #billy hargove x reader #billy hargove imagine #billy hargrove fanfiction #stranger things fanfic #fanfic #stranger things fic #billy hargrove fic #billy hargrove series #stranger things fanfiction #steve harrington

[clericbyers]

will finding out about mikes nightmares at a sleepover one night. mikes never told anyone because he always felt like he had no right to, because of everytging wills been through. will just cuddles him and tells him that of course he’s gonna be there for him, always. they’re both so in love.

[ part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 ]

crossposted to AO3

————

“We’re gonna hang with the Party tomorrow, yeah?” Mike asked as he searched through his dresser for a too-large t-shirt. It had the Hawkins High mascot on the front and he cringed to himself about being one of those people wearing their high school’s logo.

Will though hummed an affirmation from his perch on Mike’s bed. “Lucas said he’s coming over in the late morning. We’ll bike over and grab Dustin before heading to Max’s place.”

“And from there, we go into town for lunch.” Mike took off his shirt and absentmindedly stretched his arms up. He could feel Will’s gaze on him and he smiled to himself before grabbing a pair of boxers. “I’m gonna shower; feel free to snoop around or whatever.”

“Your room hadn’t changed a bit since I was gone, Mike.” Will scoffed but slipped off the bed as he padded his way to Mike’s side. “I doubt you have something to hide that I need to snoop for.”

Mike froze and really tried his best not to glance over at his desk where his antidepressants and anxiety medications resided. The bottles were in a black bag on his desk hidden away in a corner. There was something about seeing the transparent orange bottles that reminded Mike of his inability to take care of himself without aid and that reminder wasn’t one he wanted to literally see every time he came into his room. He still hadn’t found a way to tell Will about his meds or the therapy or how he heard his parents fighting and a divorce might be down the line. Will had enough issues to deal with anyway. Now that they were boyfriends, it was harder for Mike to keep the secret.

Friends don’t lie. Boyfriends especially shouldn’t lie.

Yet, here Mike was, lying through obfuscation. Never saying exactly what’s up and leaving things vague enough to not be questioned.

A wave of nausea struck Mike’s gut and he turned to his door with a shudder. “Yeah. Anyway, shower. I’ll be quick.”

Mike left the room with a quick peck on Will’s cheek. His mind was racing through various emotions, landing guilt and regret and anger and self-deprecating thoughts laced with anxiety and anguish. By the time he got to the bathroom, which wasn’t far, Mike was having some trouble breathing and he hated it. He hated the panic, the shaking of his hands, the way he couldn’t maintain basic control of how his body reacted. What type of leader was he to be losing it in the bathroom face to face with his gaunt and paper-white pale reflection? His freckles stuck out even more against his pallor skin and the boy closed his eyes with a deep breath.

Breathe, Mike remembered his therapist saying when he had an anxiety attack in the very first session where she asked him how he felt powerless about losing his friends. Breathe, focus on the five seconds you hold in your air, and then let the thoughts flow out of you as you breathe out.

Mike did as previously directed until he could no longer feel his hands shaking. He turned on the water and showered for a few minutes, taking a little more time to let the warm water massage his back with gentle pressure and calm his tense muscles. He dried off and changed in the bathroom before heading back to his room with a whistle. Will was flipping through an old comic book but looked up when he heard Mike enter the room.

Mike nearly dropped all his clothing at the sight before him. It wasn’t anything new persay; Will often word Mike’s clothing if he stayed over without packing a bag, but this—Will wearing Mike’s old t-shirts and pyjama shorts, Will wearing his boyfriend’s clothing—was definitely shocking at least. It struck Mike again that Will was his boyfriend and it wasn’t a fantasy he had been trying to ignore for years. It was only five days since Christmas Eve when Joyce and his mom accidentally revealed to the two boys that they liked each other, so it was still fresh enough in his mind, but little things like Will in his room wearing his clothing made Mike realize all over again that the boy of his dreams was really his boy in real life.

“God, I love you,” Mike whispered hoarsely, tossing his clothes in the hamper before rushing to the bed. He grabbed Will’s face and tilted his chin to kiss him. Will melted into the kiss with a soft hum. “I love you so much.”

“Love you, too, Mike.” Will pulled away and reached out to take Mike’s hand. “Any reason you’re suddenly telling me?”

“Do I need a reason? I get to tell you how I feel every day for the rest of our lives. You can bet your ass I’m gonna take every chance I can.” Mike watched Will blush furiously and he couldn’t help but kiss him again. “You and me? Best thing I’ve ever done.”

Will pulled at Mike’s shirt and flopped with him onto the bed. It was too small for the both of them, what will Mike’s height already making the bed a little too small for him on his own, but they made it work. Mike unfortunately had to squirm his way out of Will’s arms to turn off the lights but he was quick to return to Will and curl up next to him.

“Have you been thinking about any New Year’s wishes?” Will asked as darkness began to settle in the room.

“Not really. One of my wishes ended up being a Christmas gift so I have nothing else to desire really.”

“You’re talking about me, aren’t you.”

“No, I’m talking about the new Zelda game Dustin bought me.” Mike nudged his boyfriend and then leaned in for a kiss. He missed and hit only the corner of Will’s lips, which made Will laugh.

“I love you,” the smaller boy whispered in a content sigh. “It’s crazy that we can say that now. I don’t have to be afraid of loving you because you love me, too.”

Mike nodded and took a hand to Will’s hair as he brushed his fingers through it. “I was really scared I would lose you so I never said anything. And then El came into our lives.” Mike closed his eyes. “I love her but I was wrong for trying to force her to be with me. I knew it wasn’t working but I still tried. I thought we could work it out.”

“Hey, she forgives you, you know. She also thought it could work it out. She wanted it to work out just as much as you did.”

Mike still felt guilty for it all. For wanting El while loving Will. For trying so hard to ignore where his feelings really lied even though at the end of the day he still imagined waking up in the morning next to Will for reasons he never wanted to explore.

“I hurt her and I know she’s still in pain about it. She can barely stand to be in a room alone with me.”

Will overlayed Mike’s hand with his own. “Heartbreak takes time to get over. You were her first love and letting that go is painful. We should know.”

Mike laughed sarcastically. “Yeah and we failed miserably.”

“I’m glad we did,” Will kissed Mike’s nose. “My point though is that El needs time to heal and learn to be your friend again. She forgives you, trust me. She didn’t want to end things but she knew what would be best when she called it quits.”

Mike closed his eyes and listened to Will’s slow breathing. “Yeah. Do you think she’ll be happy about you being with me?”

“Of course.” Will hummed. “We’ll tell everyone on New Year’s Eve as planned. Only two days away. Get some rest now, okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

Sleep came easily when his mind managed to stop worrying about his friendship with El. The sleep itself? Mike could barely remember what he dreamt about. Things were hazy and unclear but there was blood and screams. Screams from his friends, from the people he swore loyalty to, from his mom who knew nothing and he hated the fear he had with telling her the truth. It consumed him until he couldn’t breathe, until he couldn’t hear anything but someone shouting in the distance. It was faint against the background of El’s sobbing, of her screeches as she pulled the wriggling slice of the Mind Flayer from her leg. Faint against the screams of Will burning for hours from the inside out, tears streaming down his face as he writhed in agony. Faint against the worries of his mother finding him vomiting in the bathroom one night from crying so hard and taking him to therapy that very next day despite having school.

(And god, how embarrassing it was to miss track meet and come the next day with a doctor’s note because Mike couldn’t get a stupid fucking handle on his runaway thoughts.)

“Mike!”

The boy woke from his terrors with a choked gasp, legs flaying as he struggled to escape from the blankets that suffocated him. There was a hand on his arm and he tried to pull away from it with all the strength he had, which was a lot thanks to his extra curricular studies. Mike tumbled off the bed and the shock of the fall managed to bring him back to reality. Will was hovering over the edge with wide eyes and fright screaming in his posture. Mike blinked his way out of the remains of his nightmare and felt guilt filter to the top of his emotions.

“Will,” he gasped shakily, feeling the wetness of tears drenching his cheeks. “Will, I—I didn’t mean to.”

Will climbed off the end and knelt beside Mike. He took Mike’s face in hand, ever so gentle and soft, and kissed one of the tear streaks his nightmare had drawn on his face. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m right here, love.”

Mike couldn’t stop crying. “It’s not—it’s not usually this bad.”

“What isn’t?”

“My dreams.” Mike closed his eyes and Will kissed his eyelids, a featherlight touch on his wet skin. “My nightmares.”

“Is it often?” Mike nodded. “How long?”

“Since the Snowball.” Will tensed and Mike pushed the boy’s hands from his face. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Mike, you were crying in your sleep and kicking around and yanked yourself from my hand so hard you catapulted yourself from your bed.” Will took Mike’s face again and pressed their foreheads together. “You can talk to me about these things. You’re not alone.”

“That’s what my therapist keeps saying and yet here I am, still fucking doing this!” Mike motioned to himself on the floor and then collapsed in on himself. “I can’t make it stop, I can’t tell anyone about the truth, I can’t control myself even with my medications and the therapy sessions, it just gets bad again after everything is good.”

“Mike,”

“And sometimes, I don’t sleep and I won’t take my sleep meds so I don’t have to face that shit again, don’t have to see El sacrifice herself or you—I thought you were dead, Will. I thought it was real.” Mike covered Will’s hands with his larger ones. “I thought you were gone forever and I never got to tell you how I feel.”

“Mike, I’m here. I didn’t die. I’m right here with you.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem though. I haven’t actually been tortured or attacked or possessed or anything. I was just there. A witness.” Mike laughed hoarsely. “I stood by and watched so many people die. I was supposed to be a leader, keep the party together, and I split us up being so selfish and I just—I have no right to be having these damn nightmares when you and El have been through so much worse. And I know your mom told me not to discount my experiences but I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic I am to be like this when—,”

Will put a hand over Mike’s mouth and fixed him with a steady glare. “Listen to my words, Michael,” he started sternly, pulling his hand away to continue cupping Mike’s face. “We are all a little fucked in the head thanks to the Upside Down. And yeah, El and I are probably the two most fucked by it all but that doesn’t mean your trauma and experiences are invalid. My mom is right; don’t sell yourself short. You have the right to feel what you do.”

Mike’s lips were pulled into a thin pale line but he nodded and Will continued. “I was on meds too, remember? My mom used to always call ahead and make sure I have them on me whenever we would have a sleepover. It’s okay to need professional medical help. You don’t have to face this alone. You don’t have to control it alone.” Will pressed a kiss to Mike’s lips. “And I know you can’t tell your therapist everything, I know you can’t tell them about the Upside Down or the demogorgon and Mind Flayer, but you can talk to me just as I can talk to my mom or Jonathan or El these days. You’re not alone, okay? I’m right here.”

“Will.”

“Hush, babe, I’m not finished.” Will swept a hand back into Mike’s hair. “You saved me you know. You saved me and El multiple times.” Mike wanted to shake his head but he didn’t want to interrupt Will so he merely pressed his lips fimer together. Will of course noticed that. “I’m serious, Mike; you really saved us. You gave us something to fight for, a future to live for, with you and all our loved ones. You gave us hope and strength. You trusted me when I was the most untrustworthy person in the room. You were strong for all of us when we needed it, Lucas and Dustin, too. You are our leader, our DM, and you carried us through all that shit. Give yourself credit.”

Will pressed his lips to Mike’s temple and climbed to his feet. “C’mon, let’s get some sleep okay? Good days come and go like bad days and that’s nothing to be ashamed for. It’s never gonna stop but you can have control. You’re healing, Mike, and that means sometimes the wound is still gonna flare up. But eventually, it’ll scar over. Until then, take it one day at a time.”

Mike nodded and took Will’s hand, letting the smaller boy drag him back to the bed. Will wrapped Mike up in his arms and hugged him tightly. “I love you, understand? I love you no matter what. I’m always here for you on good and bad days.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Mike gasped into Will’s arms, burying his face in Will’s borrowed t-shirt. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

“And I’m so lucky to have you, too, Mike.” Will dragged his finger down the bridge of Mike’s nose. “Now, let’s sleep so Dustin won’t be on our asses about taking so long to get him.”

At that, Mike laughed into Will’s chest and allowed himself to relax into his boyfriend’s arms. When he woke, he looked up into loving green eyes and felt for the first time in a while that yeah, he wasn’t alone and things really could get better. Still, when Will pressed him into the mattress with a mixture of kisses and tickles, Mike knew that this couldn’t last. Will didn’t live here anymore. He wouldn’t always be there to console Mike about the terrors of the Upside Down that still haunted him.

Mike needed to fess up and tell him mom the truth.

————

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