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ama-kuu · 2 years

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Abandoned and Rehomed Chapter 3

Mostly setting the scene and fluff

Brief recap: Abandoned by Dabi, you were found on the streets by Hawks who ended up bringing you home. (LOL this kind of sounds like the courage the cowardly dog intro). Last night with Hawks was pretty soft, just him trying to take care of you.

Also I’m going to change the writing perspective from a Hawks X You (second person) to more of a Hawks X Y/N (First person). Let me know what you think, if I get enough feedback that people don’t like it then I can just revert back in the next chapter.

Link to Chapter 2 if needed

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/ama-kuu/655477351269924864?source=share

Please enjoy 😊

Also read on AO3 if that makes it easier

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31999786?view_full_work=true

A bright light peeked through the thick curtains lining the wall. I groaned while flipping over, essentially smothering my face into the pillow. I reached for Hawks but was blocked by a wall of fluff. Huh?? Curious, I lifted my head to peer over the soft border, the bed was empty and disheveled. In his place was another horde of pillows almost resembling a clustered nest. I couldn’t help but smile with how adorable he must have looked gathering them all this morning. Because I definitly couldn’t remember them being there last night.

Stretching out on the bed, I fought the urge to just curl up and burrow farther under the blankets. However my growling stomach argued otherwise. I rolled off the bed, taking a few of the pillows along with me. The brisk air creates prickles that spread over my body. Quickly, I snatched the flat sheet off the bed once realizing I was still naked from the night before. I tightly secure the sheet around my body and proceed to collect the fallen pillows and return them back to the bed. In a somewhat orderly arrangement.

The room itself was massive compared to what I was used to. But almost had a cold, clinical feel to it. The walls were bare, no decor, no personal touches. Well aside from the collection of pillows I guess. Other than the California King sized bed there was literally nothing. I did my best at arranging the mass of pillows in an orderly fashion, struggling against the unruly sheet that refused to keep me properly covered, before turning my attention to the heavy curtains covering the entire left side of the room.

Peaking through the curtain, I hissed as the light nearly blinded me while my eyes adjusted.

Wow.

I pulled the curtains all the way open, revealing not what I thought was windows but a giant sliding glass door. Beyond it an equally impressive balcony area. One that I could easily envision Hawks doing a routine of morning stretches.

How did I get so lucky? What could he possibly have been thinking when he basically scraped me out of the alley last night?

The thought of him last night referring to me as his pet had my nerves jittery. It was nice… being wanted. Looking around the room once more, I recognized the bathroom door. My face flushed as my heart fluttered from the flashbacks of yesterday. But I moved to what I assumed would be the closet. This time, not so surprised to find the excessively spacious walk in closet or dressing room, I suppose? Like I’m being completely serious it almost resembled a high end store with how his clothes almost were displayed for his personal viewing purposes.

Amongst the clothes hung, several copies of the VERY well recognized hero uniform, and numerous other high end designer brands. I let my fingers graze over the soft fabrics, stopping briefly on some to really appreciate the delicate textures. I eventually settled on a very comfy long black tee along with shamelessly snatching a pair of boxers.

I cautiously glance at the door before removing the sheet from around myself to replace it with the newly obtained articles of clothing. I struggle, big time, working my way into the shirt. The holes in the back panel make it a lot more complicated than intended to navigate my arms and head into. Once on, the shirt hung farther than expected, right at mid thigh, hiding the boxers entirely. Hawks wouldn’t mind me going through his things…. Would he?

I shifted my weight as I mulled my options. Maybe he would feel freaked out at the thought of a stranger going through his things. But on the other hand, he did tell me last night that he wanted to take care of me. My tail lightly flicked at that thought. I then consciously willed myself to stop from twisting the hem of his shirt, before letting out a deep breath. “I’m taking the shirt.” Decision made!

I released the hem all together and exited the closet. Still no sign of Hawks, what if he was having second thoughts, maybe he would also dump me, somewhere I could be someone else's problem. No… No. Deep breaths.

My stomach churned as my anxiety threatened to surface. Everything will be fine. I walked over to the last remaining door in the room, briefly pausing right before turning the knob. My grip tightened as I took a few more steady breaths. It’s okay… It’s gonna be fine, just go.

My ears perked forward as I cautiously opened the door. I peered out to see a wide open area, much like the bedroom, the living room and kitchen despite their grand size was only filled with bare essentials. However it was the large pair of crimson wings that redirected my attention to a very shirtless Hawks standing with his back to me at the stove.

“Good morning kitten! Did you have fun exploring?” Hawks turns around, away from the stove that he’s currently cooking breakfast on. I could see the slightest fluff of his feathers when he saw what I was wearing. Quick to recover he “Well well, glad you're making yourself at home.”

Immediately I feel my face flush in embarrassment, “ I’m sorry I hope you don’t mind” as I pick at the shirt’s hem.

“ Of course not, from today what’s mine is yours.” “Now how long are you gonna hide over there?” A smirk paints his face as he leans seductively against the counter.

I pause and try to take a moment to reset my brain as it short circuits. I stumble forward out of my frozen trance, being pushed gently from behind. Guided by the unseen force straight into Hawks, arrogantly waiting with open arms as I fall into his grasp.

My quirks instincts activate, my ears flatten and I rapidly turn to confront that the force that shoved me forward, a low growl rumbles through me before its forcefully shutdown.

My body froze immediately when I realized it was a small bunch of Hawks’ feathers.

My ears lift rapidly just to droop submissively. "I'm so sorry."

His eyes glared down, his smile dangerous with amusement? Instinctually I shivered against his dark gaze. "I - it was only on reflex."

Breaking eye contact, I directed my attention downwards to hyper-focus on the tiles below.

“Tch” Hawks' immediately forced my chin up, his eyes sharpened. My body on instinct shrunk under the looming threat. His wings flared around us making me feel even more cornered. I froze under him, my lungs seized to function while staring back at him.

"No worries kitten, I'm an understanding guy. But let's not repeat bad behaviors in the future, yea?" His eyes narrowed sharply as I wordlessly nodded in his grip.

“Now, enough of that." He spins back to the kitchen using his wing to wrap around me gently guiding me to a seat beside him. A plate of hot food is placed in front of me, my mouth immediately waters as I can't recall the last time I ate."Here eat, but pay attention, I'm gonna run through the house rules.

I take the fork from him and force myself to eat as if i'm not some starved animal, but hey if the boot fits right? He makes his own plate and leans against the counter across from me.

"One. No answering the phones or the doors. Especially if I'm not home. Two, Don't leave the house if I'm not with you. I don't want you to feel trapped but I have enemies and can't have you be a target.''

I took a break from eating to hold eye contact with him along with a small nod. "If you are bored or want something, tell me… I mean it. I'm by no means frugal and want you to be happy here. Unfortunately all I have now is the TV with streaming services. I'm gonna be away for the next few days so make a list while I'm gone and I'll order whatever when I get back."

I stopped eating after hearing that, "what you're leaving already?”

"Awe don't pout kitten." He reached across to lightly caress my face. " that brings us to number three. I'm going to give you a feather to have at all times. It will be as if i'm not even gone.''

A small downy feather appears in front of me connected by a thin black cord. I froze staring at the cord, my anxiety threatening to surface at the reminder of my old collar.

"Kitten." Hawks was by my side without me even realizing he moved." You don't have to wear it right away. Just as long as it stays with you. in a pocket even.

"N-no, I can do it. I just needed a minute." Very carefully I plucked the necklace from out in front of me. Taking a few deep breaths as I lowered it over my head. Once my fear dissipated, I was surprised at how weightless it was, as if it wasn't even there. I fiddled with the small feather but stopped when Hawks let out a small snicker.

" Ah, sorry kitten, they can be... a little... ticklish. Among other things. But that's for later."

"I really gotta head out though. There's food in the fridge or frozen meals in the freezer. Feel free to explore the house, I meant it when I said “What's mine is yours." He gave me a brief hug and a forehead kiss before taking off from the balcony.

Taglist:

@sunaswife @viol3tcr3am @kunaigirlx44 @tiddie-luvr @evalineplayz19 @gaudesstuff @lostgirlsstuff @eleventhdoctorsangel @villxinmiixx @queenthorin1 @dabis0bitch

For those in the taglist if anyone has not posted your age in your bio, you will not be tagged in any spicy/ 18+ chapters.

#soft hawks #bnha hawks #hawks x reader #feline quirk #abandoned and rehomed #chapter 3 #housewarming

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benjaminthewolf · 1 year

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IMPORTANT BLOG CHANGES! DO NOT SKIP!

As you can see, I have turned this blog into an exlusively SFW vore space whilst making a seperate blog for NSFW content. This means that every NSFW person or blog who follows me should go follow the NSFW one. However, I have also updated my rules page to include a caveat about interacting with this blog as someone who enjoys vore in an NSFW way.

NSFW Blog: www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolfnsfw

First Vore Story On The NSFW Blog:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolfnsfw/712725025949728768/wolfish-appetite-vore-story?source=share

Rules: https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/704586388251820032/rulesinfo?source=share

I have also been deliberating on which stories in my archive I should mark as mature, and so here is a full list of stories which are no longer intended for minors:

Stories Successfully Marked As Mature:

The Rat’s Junky Snack (Safe Vore Edition): https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/702832983322836992/the-rats-junky-snack-vore-story-safe-vore?source=share

The Rat’s Junky Snack (Digestion Edition):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/702832989869162496/the-rats-junky-snack-vore-story-digestion?source=share

Evil Never Triumphs (Vore Story):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/700298779842183168/evil-never-triumphs-vore-story?source=share

A Chef’s Snack (Vore Story): https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/697840470578118656/a-chefs-snack-vore-story?source=share

The Great Lord Of Lightning Shall Never Back Down! (Vore Story) [This one was actually given a mature label by Tumblr far before I turned 18]:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/694409059202400256/the-great-lord-of-lighting-shall-never-back-down?source=share

Sweet Evil Dreams (Vore Story):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/701287531080204288/sweet-evil-dreams-vore-story

Stories Where The Option To Add A Community Label Did Not Show Up (I have contacted Tumblr):

Sweet Evil Dreams (Shitpost Edition):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/701908683162091520/sweet-evil-dreams-shitpost-edition?source=share

Kings Of Fools:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/693142828052807680/kings-of-fools?source=share

SkekZok Lol:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/690872872134213632/skekzok-lol?source=share

Skek Mal Lol:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/690167843015229440/skekmal-lol?source=share

Waf-FULL: Story Edition:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/685078155240914944/waf-full-story-edition-so-uhif-yall-dont-know?source=share

SkekNa Lol:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/677298871105355776/skekna-lol?source=share

SkekShod Lol Two (Feat. SkekZok):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/674772663476043776/skekshod-two-electric-boogaloo-ft-skekzok?source=share

SkekShod Lol:

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/671316784294543360/skekshod-lol?source=share

In The Manga Artist’s Grasp (Rohan Pred):

https://www.tumblr.com/benjaminthewolf/665258468685545472/in-the-manga-artists-grasp-rohan-pred

These stories will be rebloged to the NSWF blog in due time.

I also decided to leave all of my trade stories, except for the ones for a certain someone who I do not associate with anymore, as open to everyone because I have no way of determining the intent of the person I was writing for for every single individual case, however I can do so for stories I wrote for myself.

These stories have all been given the tag “Old, Now Marked Mature”

ABANDONED POSTS TO BE REMASTERED:

These stories are stories that I consider mature yet feature some gross stuff. These posts have been privated and will be remastered on the NSFW blog to where the gross aspects are edited to be not gross anymore:

A Sugary Snack (Vore Story): The prey was a wild Sugarbat

How The Turntables Parts 1 and 2: Featured me as prey and pred respectively while I was 16

A Nostalga Trip...WITH A TWIST: Featured me as prey when I was 16

As for upload schedules...next Monday I will post on the NSFW blog. The Monday following that I will post on the SFW blog, and it will continue alternating from there.

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livia-dovehallow · 1 year

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Tw for mild discussion of s*xual themes

Omg, you also don't vibe with Jordelia! I thought I was the only one - maybe because I follow a lot of pro-Jordelia pro-Cordelia blogs, lol. I used to like them in CoG, then I started to appreciate other couples more. In this book I disliked Cordelia for most of the first part, then became neutral about her. I think she has abandonment issues and that's why she probably doubted Grace and runaway to Paris with Matthew, but this doesn't justify her actions. She acted like a victim just because one of the people she said she cared about (?) didn't share their "dirty" (it was stupid stuff imo) with her! Unbelievable. I hated how she treated some of the people (like James or Lucie) who were always accepting of her and tried to make her feel part of the group. I am always mmmmh about James too, because I don't think he is a strong male character. He always wants to sacrifice himself, and he has this "bro, let me fix that" savior attitude, when honestly no one asked you to save anyone, love.

And triangles aside, Jordelia don't have chemistry to me. They do have physical chemistry, but that's it. If we analyze their interactions, they're mostly about each other's appearance and being hot, and wanting to jump each other bones, and sometimes about how smart they are. Where is the emotional build up? It felt like the build up only lead to the satisfaction of their carnal desires. Once they did that, it was like they solved all their problems. They didn't! They feel flat to me. And I also think they both idealized each other, so when they found their "real" personality, they were a little shocked and not in a good way.

yes precisely! if they had been set up as friends-with-benefits from the get-go, this physical chemistry would make perfect sense because it was intended that way. but they're intended to be a love story and i just get ZERO chemistry in that department with them (nor did I ever get that sense with Cordelia's friendship with Lucie).

I get they're teens and teens are volatile no matter what era they're in but for a group of people who are meant to have considered themselves "mature", they certainly were not

#maggie answers #kind anons #no chot spoilers

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nicominoruswife · 2 years

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Not sure if you're still around but I just found your blog and you're so right about D*anoru (at least on the show, I haven't read the comics), the actresses tried but my God the writing for them was bad and K*rolina was really insufferable in S2. Nico and Alex and definitely my fave characters overall. I also really liked Livvie tho, I'm so sad she got written off like that, they really did her dirty, she should have been the 7th runaway 🥺

Hi hi, I'm still around! It's just really difficult to be as active on the blog since both the show and comics have been canceled. 😓

Oof, yeah even after all these years the way D**noru was handled and written the show has left such a bad taste in my mouth. The writers jumped through too many hoops to try and justify them being together still after the events of S2 and it just doesn't work. If the writers wanted to get me to hate K**olina for the horrible shit she pulled in S2 then they sure succeeded lmao.

Even though I hate the show version, I do love the ship in the comics! Their relationship there actually written well. They have over 10+ years of development and build up so if you ever do check out the comics, you're in for a WILD ride 😅

Looking at it on its own throughout the show, yeah it's not even a question, Nico and Alex are definitely the show's best written relationship. Their backstory and history is intricately crafted and well thought out. They have very natural chemistry and the a lot of screen time to show for it. It's a shame the writers abandoned it in favor of a ship they spent no time developing or building up. I can only imagine how much better the show would be had they kept them as the endgame ship as they originally intended.

I liked Livvie a lot too! I wish she could've stuck around because she was a total sweetheart and my personal favorite OC the show created. While Livvie/Alex wasn't as strong as Nico/Alex imo, they definitely made up for it with chemistry. Like the banter for Livvie/Alex was so FUN and pretty on point I'll give the writers credit there lol.

#thanks for the ask!!#anon #it was REALLY hard for me not to go off ranting abt d**noru lmao #ugh i miss talking about my kids though

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thejustmaiden · 3 years

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So out of nowhere I was tagged and quoted by a SR shipper for a blog of mine posted in August of last year. Talk about throwback but, hey, gotta appreciate that level of snooping. 😉

Back in the day I actually used to encourage discourse amongst Inuyasha fans- both shippers and antis alike- but I've since realized that it's a lost cause. But for you, @feministmetalgreymon , I'll grant this exception. Just 'cause it's been a while so why the hell not. haha

I want to assure you, however, that nothing you say will ever convince me that Sesshomaru and Rin are meant to be together romantically or that the story intended it so. Nor will you find any validation here. You can ship them for all I care, but please for all that is good and holy while I have your attention try- I mean really try- to understand why it is so many of us Inuyasha fans are so against this pairing in the first place (newsflash: it's not about ship wars), and why we believe a romance between the two of them is completely and utterly out of character.

For those of you interested in reading this, the blog of mine in question that the above shipper mentions in their counter-argument is here for reference. It's titled "Jaken = Rin's Dad?" I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'm also making no such promises. After all, I'm not exactly known for my brevity. haha Now let's get crackin'!

Like you, feministmetalgreymon, did for your recent blog here where you took screenshots of mine to address certain parts, I will be doing the same and dissecting yours accordingly.

[Snippet 1]

I worked with kids for many years as a teacher, and many people in my family have too or still do. Two of them happen to be just over 5 feet which is quite short for the average adult woman living here. I've also worked alongside many a women of short stature, and never did I hear any of them complaining of issues with their students having difficulty differentiating them from their own peers just because they were short as well. I'm sorry but that's just ridiculous. Kids are quite smart and pick up on a lot more than you seem to give them credit for. Height is not the only characteristic they look at to determine who's an adult and who's not, and it's foolish to suggest otherwise. So unless you're a babysitter who's still in their teens and/or who has very childlike features or behavior then I'm afraid what you're getting at is total hogwash. This is just another example of how you shippers offer nothing of real substance to your reasoning, it's only ever cherry-picking or strawmanning from you guys. Stop deflecting from the real issues please, because this certainly isn't one and only winds up being a complete waste of time for all parties involved.

[Snippet 2]

Okay, calm down now. I wasn't insinuating that relationships between parents and children can't change over time in terms of how they get along. Of course that's possible, as all families experience their fair share of estrangement and abuse. What I was speaking about was in reference to the overall dynamic between the two. Because a bad mother or father can still be viewed as a parental figure to their child even if say they're not in said child's life anymore. Since Sesshomaru and Rin share a healthy bond- and just a friendly reminder that in my blog I even said that he doesn't have to necessarily be labeled her father but that a romantic relationship later would still be inappropriate- I didn't deem it necessary to address what you brought up. Plus, it kinda, umm, misses the point?? Please, let's stay on topic. And it's not captured in the screenshot, but stop acting like there isn't a small part of them that idolizes their parents at some point during childhood. Just like you mention later on how it's normal for kids to have innocent crushes on adults that they eventually grow out of? Well, guess what, the same concept applies here. Kids eventually learn that their parents are far from perfect and make mistakes too. Rin is so damn young in the OG series though that we never even get to see her reach that maturity level.

[Snippet 3]

LOL! Alright, okay, so the "unbreakable bond" bit you're mentioning was actually me quoting you sessrinners. Did you not catch that? I literally spelled it out. *sigh* The whole point I was making is that shippers like yourself make hypocritical and contradictory statements all.the.goddamn.time. One moment you guys claim that Sesshomaru and Rin were essentially strangers and meant very little to each other, only to say in the same breath a few seconds later that they were destined to be together and their bond is like no other. I agree, their bond is special, but why must that mean they're going to fall in love?

That is the root of the matter here. Too many animes/mangas have romanticized this older adult man & young girl growing up falling in love trope that it's become way too normalized and widely accepted across the world- and yes, in some cultures more than others. Sadly, you lack the awareness to recognize how this all works. You know how we know that? When we see that you shippers are so desensitized to sexualized images of girls in the media that you share posts like this one below which *subtly* imply a future romance although one half of that pairing is still just a child in the pic and then try and pass it off as cute. That's like super fucking problematic and it scares me that you can't see that (or deny you do). 🤢

After all that's said and done, Sesshomaru leaving Rin in the village with Kaede is to me the strongest indicator more than pretty much anything else he's done for Rin that proves he is her adoptive father. It's so funny to me how you somehow see the exact opposite though. 🤔 What I think is happening is that you got yourself on some squeaky clean ass shipper goggles fresh out of your little echo chamber. Because I hate to tell you, but what you're fantasizing is what you want to see and not what's actually there on screen or was written into the story. I'm strictly talking about Inuyasha and the manga of course. [For the TL; DR version skip to the last paragraph.]

Parents looking after their kids is what parents are supposed to do. A good parent will do anything to keep their child safe and ensure they are cared for, so what he did for her by leaving her there was in her best interests clearly. Besides, as a babysitter, you more than most people should understand that parents aren't always able to be there for their kids so sometimes others gotta step in to help. Haven't you heard of the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" Which in Rin's case is literally true! 😂 Sometimes kids are even sent off to stay with grandparents and that's who raises them instead. Or maybe they have to temporarily live with an aunt or uncle because their single parent's job requires they work out of town 4-5 days of the week so they're hardly home. But that doesn't mean that the parents care or love their kids any less, and it's foolish to assume that Sesshomaru must have thought very little of Rin simply due to the fact that he made the decision to leave her in the village. Come on, y'all are acting like he abandoned her there!!

It's just given the circumstances Sesshomaru finally came to learn that Rin traveling with him was no longer safe. I also like to think it's because he wished for her to live a more normal life and to learn how to fully trust humans again. Plus, continuing to travel with him as young as she was would have proven dangerous and unwise. Now for you to know all this and still manage to turn his past actions towards her while she was just a child into a romantic gesture is what boggles my mind. Regardless of how you look at it, from my perspective or your own, Sesshomaru is in the wrong. Either he's a father figure who impregnates his daughter at the young age of approximately 14. OR he's this man she used to travel with who maybe isn't a father to her but who nonetheless basically rapes her since kids her age can't consent to sex with an adult. Idk about you but it sounds to me like nobody here wins with either scenario we're given. In other words, you should be just as mad as we are. If only one side didn't choose to forsake their morals they know we both have in common for the sake of a ship. Welp. 🤷‍♀️

I agree, incest is disgusting but that's not the only problem we have with this pairing. A romantic bond forming between Sesshomaru and Rin would also constitute as grooming.

You realize that over the years he visited her in the village that he brought her gifts too and essentially watched her grow up right before his very eyes, right? I mean, I know you do, but I really shouldn't have to explain further why pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship with each other is plain and simple wrong. And before you say it's not because he didn't have any malintent, please understand that considering their history and power dynamic up to then that yes this is still considered grooming even if Rin supposedly "wanted it" or "made the first move." Whether you consider him her father or not, as the adult who took on a role resembling that of a caretaker in her early life- a critical developmental time for a child- Sesshomaru is obligated to turn down any advances by Rin and most definitely should not initiate any himself. As the first close adult figure she's had in her life since her parents died, it's unfathomable to imagine how Sesshomaru could go through with taking advantage of this young girl who was under his care and supervision since they met. To think he could be capable of betraying that trust sickens me to the core.

This. Now THIS is how a parent/guardian or a similar adult caretaker (babysitter, teacher, etc.) talks to a child. And, in turn, this is how some young children talk to adults. You'd be insane and delusional to deny it! We see it in our everyday lives, do we not? From where else do you think our stories draw most of their inspiration? Yes, obviously these fictional universes have aspects of fantasy that don't exist in the real world, but so how then do you suppose we're able to relate to them? The reason for that being is because these stories are written by people for people, so naturally there are going to be real life aspects embedded throughout. Sure, a little escapism doesn't hurt as we don't need to take everything so seriously, but ultimately we all need to recognize that the messages in the stories we tell matter. Most stories possess a combination of both light and dark themes, but when it specifically comes to the latter we gotta be careful with how we tackle this in children's media since kids are far more impressionable.

So if at the center of a story we have two of the main protagonists whose mom is basically their same age and to top it off she knew their dad when she was just a girl and who just so happened to help raise her, wouldn't you say that's beyond fucked up or at the very least so fucking weird? Like why would we think it's even remotely okay for our children to watch this garbage?? Really think about it. Try and be objective for once and think about how it would sound explaining this storyline to an outsider who's never watched IY or HNY. Well, antis have tried this before many times and we always get the same reaction: Ewww!

Like I said earlier, if you wanna ship it then fine, but 1) please stop seeking our approval or trying to change our minds - your ship wish came true didn't it, so why do you need us to validate it? 2) even though it's not canon, respect that we don't support this sequel portraying pedophilia in a positive light. It's harmful af to not only allow but glorify the continuation of sexualized images of young girls everywhere. And I shouldn't have to say this, but just because this trope is popular as you say does not make it right. Lolicon themes in the media have been an issue forever and it needs to stop. Yes, even some people in Japan or "the East" would agree. Shocker!

We're pissed off and rightfully so because Yashahime's TV rating is 14, not to mention it airs at the prime time kids in Japan watch TV after getting home from school. That's Towa and Setsuna's age, true, but if Rin being the mom when she's like only a year older than them (please don't argue w/ me about the math- antis have so far been right every time with it) is straight-up disgusting and not something we should be supporting or endorsing. Rin's a whole ass child!! Please don't start with the "but times were different then so her having kids at 15 is acceptable" argument either, because we've already debunked that and every other single excuse you guys throw at us. Besides, how or why would you expect young viewers to know these historical "facts" anyway, especially if as you suggest fiction doesn't affect reality so what does it matter? Yet here we are, arguing over a fictional show in real life almost a year and a half into the "Sesshomaru fucks?" sequel being announced. My ass, your ass, hell all our asses fiction doesn't affect reality!

Look, I do apologize if the tone of this blog came off as snippy or condescending at times. I do not wish you any ill will, it's just I'm not really sure what you expected to get out of all this besides maybe getting on my nerves perhaps. haha A lot of you shippers have been desperately scrambling to interact with us, lurking in our tags, jumping onto our posts screaming canon and getting so defensive even though you sought us out first. We've been sticking to our tags, so how about you stay in your lane too. By the way since we're on the topic, have you seen Twitter or Reddit?! SR shippers there are the actual worst and many Inuyasha fans (not just antis) have complained of not feeling welcomed to engage in fandom spaces anymore. Shippers swarm them and scare them off simply because fans don't like your ship and refuse to accept it. It's pathetic, really. No one should ever be bullied or harassed just because they don't like something you might. We're all fans of Inuyasha, aren't we? So let's act like it. Yashahime on the other hand, you guys are welcome to that pungent heap of trash. Fans have a right to criticize it too, but if you like it then good for you, so keep on liking it and don't mind us.

I'm almost done, but real quick back to Jaken! Let's not forget about how the official Yashahime website- which came out after my blog, mind you- described Jaken. This translation isn't the best one available but it's the only version a fellow anti friend could track down. They do recall a better one done by a native Japanese speaker who was also an anti, and that member confirmed that Jaken is indeed called Rin's babysitter. So you see, I was right in my interpretation. In the original post I did compare Jaken to a brother, but after talking to others (some comments can be found under said post) I did acknowledge that he's more of a reluctant babysitter who's not related. And if he's not at least a brother to Rin, then he's definitely not her father.

At the end of the day, the creator Rumiko Takahashi has the final word. Which is guess what? Hogosha. 💖 Probably should've just started out with that and saved us all the trouble, huh? Good day/night to you.

Papamaru bids you adieu now. 🤞

#anti yashahime #anti sessrin #sesshomaru is rin's dad #papamaru #hogosha 💖#the sequel may not be canon but sunrise can still burn in hell

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jawritter · 3 years

Text

The Fine Line Between Love And Hate

Summary: You love the man he was, not the man he is now, so why does he still affect you this way.

Rating: Explicit

Created For: @spndarkbingo

Square Field: Hatred

Beta’d by @deanwanddamons <3

Pairing: Michael!Dean Winchester x Reader

World Count: 1597

Warnings: Hatred, obviously lol. Smut, unprotected sex, slight breading kink, some knife play, blood, spn level gore, bondage, blood, language, I think that’s it.

A/N: This is actually my first time writing Michael!Dean, lol. So go easy on me y’all. Please do not copy my work!! Feedback is golden!

**MASTERLIST** ~ **BECOME A PATREON**

The first thing you are aware of is the throbbing headache that radiates through your skull, all the way down to the back of your neck. The more alert you become, the more you realize that there are thick, heavy chains holding your arms above your head The chains are tied to a pole in the center of what looked to be an old, abandoned church.

The only thing you could think about through the pain that seemed to be seeping into your brain, and fogging your judgements, was to test the stability of your restraints. Pulling on the chains with all your might, you let out a huff of frustration when they didn’t give at all, staying secured tightly to the pole.

From the corner of the room you couldn’t see, a deep chuckle resounded from the throat of the man you once loved. Micheal walked around to where you could see him, adorning your boyfriend's meat suit that he’d prettied up in a suit, and a butcher's apron.

“Glad to see you decided to join us, Y/N. I was just beginning to worry I’d struck you too hard back there. Your kind is so fragile after all.”

You swallowed down the bile that rose in your throat at the sounds of Dean’s smooth, deep trimble, and glared at the face of the man that you loved so much. The man that was so familiar, yet so foreign all at the same time. He may have looked like Dean, but everything about him screamed that he wasn’t Dean. From the tone of his voice, to his wide eyes, all the way down his well dressed body, to his tall and proud stance.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like the look?” he chided in what was intended to be a playful manner, but it did nothing but make your blood boil. “I personally think Dean here cleans up pretty good for a human.”

You said nothing, just maintained eye contact with the pale green eyes that were staring into yours. You were trying to find any sign, any little thing that said Dean was still in there, still alive, but so far all you could see was a blank, empty canvas of what your boyfriend once was. That spark that only Dean carried had been snuffed out by the arch angel that was wearing his body, and it made you, if possible, even sicker to see it.

“Not much of a talker are we? That’s funny, because you were always pretty boisterous in the bedroom with Dean here,” he said with a sneer that made you shiver against the cold draft drafting that flowed through the holes that littered the walls of the old church.

“Fuck you, Micheal,” you spat, venum thick in your voice, but the angel didn’t seem to notice or care. “You lied! You lied to Dean, and I’m going to figure out a way to get you out of him. He doesn’t belong to you!”

Micheal threw Dean’s head back in a humorless laugh, picking up a large knife off the table that stood in front of the altar, eyeing it curiously as he twisted the blade between two fingers, before cold dead eyes met your gaze again.

“He’s still in here you know, screaming for me to let you go,” Micheal said, making lazy strides over to where you were chained, running the cold blade of the knife down your collar bone, leaving a thin red line in its wake that stung as blood started to trail down your bare body. “He’s normally pretty content on his little hamster wheel of a reality I’ve created for him, but as soon as he heard your voice back at that hotel he started clawing at the cage.”

Micheal’s gaze followed the red liquid as it made it’s decent over your breast, and down your stomach. The wound wasn’t deep enough to kill you, or cause you to bleed to death. It was only intended to scare you, but you were past fear. It no longer existed in your way of thinking. The only thing you could feel as you stared at Micheal was pure, white hot hate.

“So let me go,” you tell him coldly. “Maybe then he will settle down for you again.”

If you could just get some backup, you’d try and take this mother fucker down, but you had to do it without hurting Dean, and that was the part that would be tricky.

“Oh no. You see, Dean in here, he misses you, craves you even. Even though he’s usually pretty happy, his body still longs for yours. Like you're connected on a level that was never established in my world. If I’m going to bring purity and order to this world, I need to understand this connection.”

Micheal stepped closer to you, running a finger through your clevage and the trail of blood there as he stopped. Your body shivered at the contact of Dean’s skin against your own. Even though your mind knew it was not your Dean, your body didn’t seem to care.It just craved the warmth of the man you’d been missing.

“I’ve got to say, the control that sex can give you seems quite intising. Especially when it’s laced with so much loathing. I feel it coming off of you right now.”

Pressing the sharp tip of the knife against your skin, he cut a small knick right above your pulsepoint, then licked the little beads of blood away with his warm tongue.

You had to bite back the moan that almost slipped past your defenses as your thighs tightened on their own in search of friction against the frustration building in your core as his teeth grazed your throat, leaving a smeared blood trail in his wake.

You pulled against the restraints as your pulse quickened with each new little cut he made over the top of your breast, letting the blood trail down over your nipples, before his fingers twisted and twerked them, getting them to stand at full attention.Your cunt throbbed with each twerk of Dean’s fingers against your sensitive flesh, and slick gathered uncomfortably at your thighs under his administration. Your body was calling out to the man you loved, but you hated the one controlling him more than anything you had ever killed as a hunter.

When he was fully satisfied with his work, he sat the knife down beside him, and started to strip away the crisp suit he was adorning on Dean’s solid body, each layer falling to the floor, as his eyes raked over bare skin that was blood stained, sweat glistening lightly in the dim light from the candles he had lit around the old decrepit sanctuary. You hated the way your body seemed to be screaming for him, begging for him to touch you like he used to, stretch you out in a way only Dean could.

“Dean’s enjoying this you know.You should just sit back and do the same,” Micheal said, stroking Dean’s length as he stepped up to where you were standing, kicking your legs apart with his feet as he slipped the tip of Dean’s leaking tip through your dripping folds.

“I hate you,” you spat at him, but Micheal seemed unfazed, filling you up in one harsh thrust to the brim and making you both groan at the feeling of Dean’s body filling your own, your walls already fluttering around his greedily.

“Oh Y/N,” Micheal said. Dean’s voice strained the way he used to when you were together this way, as he held himself still for a moment. “There’s such a fine line between love and hate. Your lips say you hate this, but that greedy little pussy of yours,” pulling out almost all the way, he slammed back in, “begs to differ.”

He was right, and he knew it.There was nothing you could say to disagree with him when he was buried so deep inside of your body, pounding into you at a relentless pace, sweat mixing with blood and your back scraping against the pole you were tied to. Dean’s length hit all the right places, like he’d done so many times before.

Every cell in your body seemed to be vibrating with each pass of his manhood through your heat, and when your orgasm washed over the both of you, all hate was forgotten for a moment.All that remained, was the bliss that washed over you in waves as Micheal spilled his seed deep inside of your womb. Dean’s lips smirked as you fell apart around his length.

Micheal’s mind taunted the man trapped in his head. Dean screamed over and over again. He was thinking of what the two of you had just created that would help him take over the world. You may never love Micheal, and he knew that, but you loved Dean and he’d use that until your job was done. Then he’d kill you, just like he was going to kill everyone his father ever created with his own son at his side. He’d then be God.

Forever Tags: @deanwanddamons @rvgrsbrns @bi-danvers0 @onethirstyunicorn @i-love-superhero @akshi8278 @lyss-dw79 @magssteenkamp @lemondropirwin @squirrelnotsam @hobby27 @spnbaby-67 @mrsjenniferwinchester @defenderrosetyler @screechingartisancashbailiff @thecreatiivecorner @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624 @busy-bee-angel-misska @justanotherwinchester @brilovesdeanwinchester @idksupernatural @lyarr24 @amandamdiehl @love-jackles-37-blog @miraclesoflove @Waywardsistershy @emoryhemsworth @dean-winchesters-gardian-angel @softsebastian @tatted-trina6 @deanmonandnegansbitch @hayleeharling @flamencodiva @coldmuffinbanditshoe @bxbyizzy @dirty-pan-goblin @itmejado @supernatural3002 @teresa-67 @thoughts-and-funnies @hearteyes-j2 @miss-nerd95

#spndarkbingo #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fanfic #michael!dean winchester #michael!dean winchester x reader #michael!dean winchester smut #dean winchester smut #spn fanfiction #spn fanfic #spn smut #jensen ackles #the fine line between love and hate #jawritter #x reader inserts

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tomorrowsdrama · 3 years

Text

2020: A Year in Thirst

In 1985, Gabriel Garcia Marquez gave the world Love in the Time of Cholera. In 2020 (er, I guess it’s now 2021), I give to you, Thirst in the Time of Covid-19 or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Thirst, a brief recap of all the dramas I watched in 2020 and whether such dramas made yours truly parched..

The list contains dramas that premiered in 2020, but also dramas from previous years. If I watched it or attempted to watch it in 2020, it’s on the list.

EDIT: Ok, I’m going to have to do this in multiple parts because apparently I watched more dramas in 2020 than I remembered and talking about them all in one post would just be too long.

This also serves as a sort of greeting to all the people who recently followed me. I don’t know how or why, but thank you for being interested in my thirst, and also so sorry for everything you have/will witness here! I started this side blog last December 2019 as a place to dump all my fangirl feels and thirst with unbridled abandon and let’s just say, the thirst REALLY ramped up in 2020 during quarantine and all the political chaos/uncertainty. The state of the world may be uncertain, but my thirst will always be a comforting constant! LOL. If you want to thirst or fangirl/boy together, I’m all ears.

Anyway, let’s start with the drama that was partially the inspiration for this list.

1. The Wolf

Brief Summary: Sweet hot boy raised in the wilderness/by wolves meets sweet beautiful girl and they fall in love. Shitty evil people do shitty evil things to them to cause a misunderstanding and they are separated for years. Sweet hot boy is given the “Sexy Bloody Tormented Killer Makeover” TM and turns into a VERY VERY BAD HOT Wolf Man after being tortured/brainwashed by an evil asshole king who “adopted” him. Bad Hot Wolf Man reunites with sweet beautiful girl but because of third party machinations in the past, he thinks that she betrayed him so he is suuuuuuch an ass to her (while still maintaining hotness). But even beneath the asshattery (and sexy jerky smirks), he can’t help his love for her and it’s just *chefs kiss*. The angst, the pining, the mutual sacrifice for each other, the torment of wanting to be together but not being able to be together because of external forces/circustances, oh I am getting in a tizzy just thinking about it. I won’t reveal anymore so as not to spoil the drama, but just know the ending may destroy you.

Is she thirsty? Am I thirsty? AM I THIRSTY? Oh honey, if you don’t know the answer to that, then you must either be new here or you haven’t been paying attention to any of my posts in the past few weeks. Look, from the first moment the camera panned to Darren Wang’s very well-defined and tan chest and windswept hair, all semblance of shame and dignity I ever tried to feign on this tumblr was immediately thrown out the window. The feelings that he inspired within me were purely primal. My cavewoman ancestor from millennia ago stopped gathering food in the harsh wilderness for a brief second to transmigrate into my body and go “me want big strong man!”

I mean, below is literally our introduction to Wolf Boy. Am I supposed to just witness this and not feel anything? The director knew what he/she was doing. Anybody who worked on the drama who says they didn’t intend to exploit Darren Wang’s assets is a BOLD FACED LIAR. And this isn’t even Wolf boy in his hottest form.

That would be this:

Damn, your girl needs a moment here. When Wolf Boy turns into Bad Hot Wolf Man, wheeeeewww. The things that came out of my mouth and the thoughts that popped up into my head.

Examples of shameless fangirl drooling can be found here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/636986055498792960/dangermousie-this-should-be-illegal-i-mean Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637238885944033280/dangermousie-i-am-fucking-dead-the-end-this Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637793196830769152/dangermousie-wolfie-acquired-a-kid-omg Here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/635272988321775616/dangermousie-i-dont-know-about-you-guys-but and here: https://tomorrowsdrama.tumblr.com/post/637621638524977152/dangermousie-hnnnnnnnngh-i-am-beginning-to-forget

Honestly, just check out The Wolf tag on @dangermousie tumblr and you won’t be disappointed. Prepare to become obsessed, horny, and heartbroken.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps? Have you ever thirsted so much that you couldn’t separate what reaction was hormonal and what was objective? Like the guy is so hot to you that when your friends ask you what do you like about him, the first 10 things you can think of are “he’s hot!” and then you try to remind yourself that you’re not a shallow person who actually cares about things other than looks but at the same time you can’t for the life of you think of a non-hot based trait that you like about the guy Yeah, that’s what happened here so sorry, I can’t give you an objective opinion. It’s not that there’s nothing objectively good about The Wolf, it’s just that my judgment is too clouded by Darren Wang’s abs and big hands. But from what I can tell by other people’s posts, even if you didn’t thirst for Darren Wang (Are you made of stone? But also, can you please teach me your magic so I can go back to being a semi-functional working woman?), The Wolf is still a very enjoyable drama with its own non-Darren Wang related merits.

2. My Beautiful Bride

Brief Summary: A drama about a strait-laced banker who wears a dorky backpack and rides a bicycle everywhere while wearing the dorkiest looking helmet ever and his beautiful bride-to-be whom he is hopelessly devoted to. This being a kdrama, and an OCN drama at that, things aren’t all what they appear to be. Yes, you read that right, an OCN. ROMANCE. DRAMA. Turns out the beautiful bride-to-be has a dangerous past that soon comes back to haunt her and she mysteriously disappears one day from strait-laced banker’s life in the typical kdrama way to protect him. Part of the reason she leaves him is also because she doesn’t want him to know about her past because she doesn’t think she’s good enough for him. Little does she know, he knows everything about her past and accepts it all. The only reason why he doesn’t bring it up is because he knows she doesn’t want him to know about that part of herself and he loves her so much he’s willing to do anything to make her happy. But also, another thing she doesn’t know is that underneath that boring but perfectly ironed suit, is a finely chiseled, super efficient fighting machine who did his mandatory military service in the special forces. He is like the terminator meets Liam Neeson’s character in Taken. He has a very particular set of skills and will stop at nothing to get his bride back.

Is she thirsty? Please just watch this video and you will have your answer: https://youtu.be/Ut9MhxWadHM

Prior to The Wolf, My Beautiful Bride was probably the most thirst-inducing drama I watched in 2020.

I mean, just look

at this

at all of this

I don’t’ know how Joo Young saw that body and never questioned whether he really was just a banker. The writers of the drama must be super heterosexual men who are blind because so many of the characters in the drama question why someone as beautiful as Joo Young would ever want to be with someone like the banker. Um..Um...aside from the fact that he is financially well off, treats her well, is loving and respectful of her, and prioritizes her over everything else, JUST LOOK AT HIM. I was so thirsty for Kim Mu Yeol in this role that I would accidentally tag this drama as My Beautiful Banker sometimes. The banker was on a relentless one-man mission to take back his bride and turn me on in the process and ooooooh boy was he successful on both fronts. He is seriously sex on legs every time he beats up a baddie in his quest to find answers about Joo Young’s whereabouts.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps? I binged the first six episodes of this drama in one afternoon partly because of my thirst, but also partly because it’s a very well made crime-action-gangster drama. This is an OCN drama so you can expect a competently made production with well choreographed/bloody action scenes and a solid script.

3. Scarlet Heart Ryeo / Moon Lovers

Brief Summary: IU plays Hae Soo, a modern woman who is somehow transported back in time to the Goryeo period. There, she gets entangled with a group of royal princes. Her two main love interests are Wang So (played by Lee Jun Ki) and Wang Wook (played by Kang Ha Neul). The princes vie for the throne and some of them for Hae Soo’s affection. Lee Jun Ki does what he does best, which is play a sexy tortured deadly man who looks way too good with blood splattered on his face. Kang Ha Neul is the seemingly kind prince/daddy long legs character who turns out to be not so kind or daddy long leggy. Hae Soo is...well IU did the best she could with what she was given (which was a hot inconsistent mess).

Is she thirsty? Scarlet Heart Ryeo is like the honeypot of thirst traps. It’s essentially a reverse harem set up with a prince for everyone.

Like them young and cute? Then try the 10th prince, Wang Eun.

Want them big, tall, and kinda dumb? Here’s the 14th prince Wang Jung for ya.

Want an evil bastard with an affinity for guyliner? Try out 3rd prince Wang Yo.

Tall, slender, and scholarly? 13th prince Baek-ah will fill your needs.

Is a kind/gentle man who will ultimately disappoint you because he doesn’t show up when you need him most more your speed? Well, let me introduce you to 8th prince, Wang Wook.

Kinda scary but oh so hot and with a ton of baggage? We’re talking, I overpacked and brought 10 overstuffed large suitcases levels of baggage. 4th prince Wang So is the guy for you.

And if you prefer someone with no personality, presence, or memorable traits, I got a two-for-one deal for you in the crown prince Wang Mu and 9th prince Wang Won.

Would I watch it minus the thirst traps? There is political intrigue, scheming, romance, fluffy hijinks (my least favorite parts of the drama), angst, beautiful costumes, and pretty decent fight scenes. Scarlet Heart Ryeo is a pretty solid fusion/fantasy sageuk mostly thanks to Lee Jun Ki. The only person who has ever carried a larger load on his back is Atlas. I’m not saying all the other actors are horrendous. It’s just very clear that the one elevating the material beyond the inconsistencies/messiness/elementary politics of the script is Lee Jun Ki. Your enjoyment level of the drama will likely increase if you are a fan of any of the main actors.

#the wolf #darren wang #my beautiful bride #kim mu yeol #scarlet heart ryeo #moon lovers: scarlet heart ryeo #lee jun ki #kang ha neul #ji soo #cdrama #kdrama

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

Note

I’m the tin foil hat anon and I wanted to thank you for the response on my bb submission, you make great points. Although I was frustrated that some of them raised even more questions I didn’t think of myself… UGH… lol the S2 wait is gonna be painful

On the point of crosshair thinking his chip was removed a looong time ago(meaning before bracca or even as early as ep1) it wouldn’t make sense bc of his response to Hunter’s “you tried to kill us, we didn’t have a choice”. He says “and I did?”. So he seems to be aware he couldn’t control himself in all their previous encounters. Does it mean he knows his actions were due to chip then?

And you say crosshair avoiding the “when” question can be due to him not caring if the horrible actions he committed are chip or himself and it’s meant to show that he truly is despicable and evil. It could be the case because he shows absolutely no remorse or regret over slaughtering civilians, never apologizes to his brothers for not only trying to kill them but almost successfully incinerating(!!!) them. On top of that (apparently) without a chip he casually murders his own squad without a blink of an eye right in front of them.

On the other hand, he shows care for Omega’s safety in that episode and wants a better place in the universe for his brothers(even if it’s obviously a mistake). He sounds hurt and betrayed by them yet he still wants what he thinks is best for them. He seemed genuine and sincere in that moment. Even after they refused to join he protected them against the droids. He had multiple opportunities to shoot Hunter or others in the back but never did(and looked like didn’t even consider it). BUT after all of that he decides to raise his gun and try to shoot hunter who already has his gun drawn?! And in front of the whole squad holding him at gun point!!! WTF was he thinking?! WHY? I know they rejected his offer but still. Did his reveal completely change his plans? I just don’t understand. I know he is meant to be “complex and nuanced character with layers” but what a mood swing lmao

As much as I loved and enjoyed the bad batch overall I’m beginning to think that all these inconsistencies aren’t meant to be a crafty set up for next season. What they most likely are is just writers being vague on purpose so they don’t write themselves into a corner.

And as to why the batch and Omega didn’t even try to rescue their brother could just be so that Hunter and Crosshair would have this drama and disagreement at the end. Despite brad rau claiming their argument was over ideological differences. And Jen Corbett saying in that same cursed interview that the batch always love and support each other no matter what because they’re family. Well, I guess not crosshair, he doesn’t count anymore lol

And I agree with you I’d rather see the batch acknowledging they could have done more to try and rescue him than go into the chip details. However, I have a suspicion the real reason or explanation on why they never went back for him isn’t going to be brought up ever. Even *in universe* it simply does not make sense. Just makes me sad seeing how many people also try to come up with explanations. That should have been the writers job to provide something besides Hunter’s “you tried to kill us” bc that’s a weak argument and a total bs since he was SHOCKED to learn crosshair doesn’t have a chip.

Btw sorry for the long posts lol I just found your takes very intriguing

The season two wait is something awful and I only just started it lol. No worries about long asks though! My blog has become quite meta heavy over the years, so this is normal for my inbox. Besides, it’s a bit of a pot and kettle situation. It's not like my answers are particularly concise :D

Okay first, I have the unpopular (?) opinion that Crosshair was never planning to shoot Hunter, partly for the reasons you lay out here. You’re right, it doesn’t make sense, and rather than just accepting that he had that kind of “mood swing" (which would be pretty bad writing based on everything else we've seen) I think it does make sense that this was never his intention at all. Rather, it’s just a setup to make the audience think he’s about to shoot Hunter—that’s the obvious goal of that moment: the shock, drama, confusion, and then relief—but that doesn’t mean that in-universe that was ever Crosshair’s goal, even for just a split second. Omega leaves the pod. Echo, crucially, says that he can’t see her, setting up that Crosshair with his enhanced sight is probably the only one who could. He grabs his rifle off screen and as he does, Hunter leans over the side of the pod as he prepares to jump in, precisely where Crosshair needs to aim to hit Omega. Hunter is in his way. He’s directly in the line of fire, not because Crosshair is aiming for him, but just because that's where Omega is and they're both aiming for her: Crosshair with his rifle, Hunter ready to dive. The little shift Crosshair makes reads to me as him ensuring he doesn’t hit Hunter, despite him being right where he needs to aim, not him full on changing targets.

Even if we choose to read it as him deliberately aiming at Hunter—because yeah, the scene is meant to be ambiguous—I don’t think he, like, meant it meant it. Crosshair, as we’ve seen throughout TBB and TCW, can be pretty antagonistic. He likes to do things to get a rise out of people, like staring at regs until they snap at him, or pushing Rex’s buttons until he swings. If he was choosing to aim at Hunter in that moment, rather than Hunter just being in the way, I think it’s only bravado. Remember the “Don’t make the same mistake twice. Don’t make me your enemy” line? Crosshair has a need to remind others of his skill and power—whether it’s playfully like in TCW, or more seriously in TBB—and that’s likely what this is here. “Hey, Hunter. Look. I got my weapon back. I’ve got you cornered. I’m about to save our sister when you can’t. Remember that I’m good and you need me.” Those feelings of abandonment are tied up in that need to be needed, so when Crosshair is seething at being left behind, brutally showing them how he can get a drop on their leader and doing the thing they can't (save Omega) is a great way to remind them of what they threw away/re-boost his own self-esteem. But none of that means shooting Hunter was ever a real possibility. Because nowhere else do we see Crosshair willingly trying to harm his team. He does while under the chip’s influence, but then he never hurts Hunter when he’s captured. He kills his new team before they can hurt the batch. He helps them fight off the droids. There’s a tussle, but it’s not choreographed like either he or Hunter truly intends harm. Crosshair demonstrates no aggression during the entire escape, willingly gives up his weapon after saving Omega, and just stands there as they leave. If this guy actually wanted to hurt them, he would. Which is more likely, that Crosshair had a split second of real murder intent across two episodes of doing everything possible to help his team, or that this was just a mean bluff?

But personally, I don’t even think it was a bluff. I think the coincidence of Crosshair needing to aim there and Hunter already being there is just meant to imply an attack for the audience, not imply that Crosshair, in-universe, ever intended to hurt him, even for just a second. If he had, he wouldn’t look so surprised and sad when he realizes the others are pointing their weapons at him. If he was out to shoot Hunter, even if only for a moment, seeing his brothers come to his defense would be expected; a given. But if he only ever intended to save Omega, then seeing their weapons trained on him would produce the emotions we saw: shock that they’d turn on him and then severe disappointment. From Crosshair’s perspective, he didn’t do anything wrong and never intended to do wrong either. Hence, looking away in disbelief that his need to aim through Hunter was taken as a serious threat. He's realizing that they honestly believe that he would hurt them. Not the chipped version of him, but just him, all on his own.

As for the rest of his characterization, I think your point that “You tried to kill us” is a weak argument is pretty important. Meaning, Crosshair knows he didn’t attack his team and nearly kill them, the Empire controlling him like a puppet did. He (arguably) doesn’t owe them an apology for something that he was as much a victim for. However, we usually expect one anyway—like Wrecker still apologizing to Omega—because that's how people who have hurt loved ones react, whether the hurt was intentional or not, but that guilt is currently overshadowed by his fury that they left him behind. For him I think it’s a bit of a circular problem. Yes, he nearly killed them… but he wouldn’t have nearly killed them if they’d come back and rescued him. With the obvious disclaimer that the Empire is the real evil here, Crosshair as a threat is a bit of a problem of the batch's own making. If they’d done the right thing and gotten him out, there wouldn’t have been these scary moments like the engine incident. If they’d at least tried, then Crosshair likely would have been more guilt-ridden because he hurt his brothers who were trying to help him. As it stands, he tried to hurt the people who claim they're his brothers, but who left him behind. That's why he presents this second chance as magnanimous: from Crosshair's perspective, they haven't done anything to earn his care, but they're getting it anyway. An apology though? That's pushing things too far. If when Wrecker turned the group had locked him somewhere in the ship and gone off planet, leaving him there under the justification “Well, he tried to kill us!" would Wrecker still return with apologies for his actions... or would he be primarily pissed at being left like that, withholding apologies because they did him harm intentionally, whereas he did harm under another's control? I mean, maybe he'd be forgiving (the huge difference between his and Crosshair’s personalities is another factor), but also maybe not. Having Crosshair apologize for the near-death experiences requires 1. For him to feel responsibility for something that was forced on him and 2. For him to not be absolutely furious at the batch for abandoning him. They've gotta work through that before Crosshair can acknowledge that guilt.

Killing his second team on the other hand… idk if the batch cares, honestly. It was the killing of civilians that they balked at, not other fighters like themselves. Even the Jedis’ execution, something they clearly didn’t like, wasn’t enough to turn them from the Empire, presumably because the Jedi are capable of defending themselves. They fell in battle. It’s only when the Empire asks them to kill kids and untrained civilians that they go, “Absolutely not. This organization is evil.” Murder of other fighters was, you know, not great, but not worth defecting over either. Crosshair’s second team is made up of fighters who have been trying to kill them, so they’re definitely fair game. If we removed Crosshair’s plan from the situation and the batch was just fighting their way off Kamino after a capture, would they have also killed the team without a blink of an eye? Probably. It's self-defense. The second they raised their blasters it became a battle and, unless you’re specifically out to stun someone for some reason, battles end bloody. The shock is which side Crosshair was on, not that one side was willing to murder the other. It’s definitely messed up from our perspective that Crosshair laid a trap to murder his team to prove a point… but from the batch’s perspective? Crosshair killed a bunch of imperial fighters who were threatening them during a battle. That’s just an average Tuesday for them, nothing much to get upset over.

And omg don’t get me started on Crosshair wanting to find Omega a family! Like yeah, it’s obviously a #mistake and his faith in the Empire is Super Messed Up but... the underlying motivation is so good. It’s another situation where there’s no easy answer. Which is more important: Omega’s emotional health where she grows up with clones like her, the people who are now 100% her family, or her physical health, where she stays some place where she’s not always getting shot at, kidnapped, at risk of going hungry, etc.? It’s easy as the audience to go, “Of course she belongs with her dads!!” but if you choose to read the story through any realistic lens, Crosshair absolutely has a point about this being terrible environment for a kid, the exact point the batch themselves were making until Omega begged to stay. I love my feral, compassionate child but let me tell you, I YELLED when she yeeted herself out of that pod. This is a traumatized, formerly isolated kid with absolutely zero self-preservation, combined with, at times, a lack of basic common sense that’s inevitable in children (like not realizing she can’t pull a very heavy droid up through the water). As emotionally gutting as the thought is and, in this particular case, a Very Bad Idea, I really can’t fault anyone for raising the possibility that she go somewhere else, somewhere she’s likely to survive into her teens 😅

#TBB #The Bad Batch #SW #Star Wars #mymetas

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pfreadsandwrites · 3 years

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Congrats on gaining 100 followers🎉🎉You deserve all of them and more! 🥳 I'm looking forward to everything you're planning to write in the future❤️ As for the prompts, would you please do #160 with Kakashi? Go wild with it 👁👁 Thank you and I wish the best for your blog❤️

100 follower celebration

Okay, here it is! I want to thank you specifically @madaras-housewife because you have been so amazing and supportive from the first fic I posted here and your encouragement has really helped this blog grow and made me write more. So thank you so much, and I’m sorry this took me forever to get out!! This was a bit of an unusual one so it took me a while to think about, and apologies if it’s not wild enough heh but I tried my best to develop it into something. But thank you for everything and I really hope you enjoy this :) I tried my best to go ‘out there’ and wild with it lol. Also can I just say this mangacap is perfect for the last part of this one-shot lol.

warnings/notes: third person, Kakashi pov, female civilian reader (she works at the hospital but plz don’t ask for details beyond that lol), pining Kakashi, kinda fluffy, then kinda sad, then kinda hopeful, marking this as 18+ since there is a paragraph that is brief NSFW mentions, in my mind this takes place between the time skip between part 1 and part 2 but it doesn’t really matter. Told in 4 small vignettes/parts essentially. 2.7k words.

taglist: @allthingskakashi @datblobbyfish @enchantedpendant @madaras-housewife @ibukiirisha @praisingkuroosbedhead @cinam00n @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored

160. “Do you think you could teach me that?”

It’s a simple question.

Of course, it’s also a pointless question, one that Kakashi’s sure she’ll see through, one that he shouldn’t even think about asking.

Of course, he’s in the hospital again. Of course, she’s the one with the misfortune of tending to him again. Of course, he’s mesmerised while her hands dutifully wrap the tourniquet around his arm, like she’s cutting off the blood to his brain.

So, of course, he asks it without thinking.

The self-admonishment starts before the words finish leaving his mouth.

Do you think you could teach me that?

His cheeks heat up as the words catch up with him. They echo again and again, serving only to jeer at him further. What the hell is he thinking, making a request like that? A request that’s so nonsensical, so outlandish, so flimsily shrouding its true intent that she’d be justified in ridiculing him right there.

But it’s done now. Here he is, asking a bizarre favour of a civilian woman already doing him a favour.

Kakashi’d be content if the ground gives away underneath him, snatching him from this damn hospital bed. When he ponders the situation further, and he finds himself contemplating her reaction - no doubt a bewildered, adorable expression would grace her beautiful features (God, how much deeper could he get?) - he almost wants to slap himself. How did he go from the Copy Ninja, Konoha’s best jounin, to an awkward dork so swiftly and smoothly? Not only that, but she hadn’t even said anything yet. Kakashi wanted to die.

Fortunately, she only pauses. Unfortunately, her delicate fingers still against his skin, and the sensation flusters and soothes him simultaneously. But it’s only for a moment, before she diligently returns to the task at hand. Even if she’s surprised, or worse, amused, she knows to conceal it. Taking his question seriously in that earnest way that only she can. It should have eased his mind, but instead there’s only guilt at having perplexed her.

“…You want to learn this? Don’t you have enough on your plate?” She asks, bereft of judgement or ridicule.

He shouldn’t have expected any less, he knows that, and yet he still finds himself on the edge. On that precipice between anxiety and comfort, where he’s always standing around her. He can’t even formulate a response to her simple question. Yes - he probably did have enough to do. And yes, he wouldn’t have got this far without some knowledge of first aid and basic medical ninjutsu - and she probably knew that too.

“I could probably manage. It’s not a problem if you don’t have the time.” As typical as it is for him to answer a question without explaining himself further, he berates himself for it this time. Why had he made this so convoluted? And why does she let him?

“I could probably make time,” she retorts, though her voice remains gentle. “I just didn’t think there’d be anything useful you could learn from me, or that you didn’t already know.”

Nothing useful you could learn from me, or that you didn’t already know.

This time, her words echo in his mind. They’re just as kind and nudging as he thought they would be. But that didn’t mean they were any less ridiculous.

Apparently, there’s nothing he can learn from her. Nothing she can teach him.

Nothing he can learn from the woman who always smiles so brightly and indiscriminately at anyone who graced her that it renders them all equal - turning everyone from the grumpy old curmudgeon to the innocent newborn to cheerful, optimistic entities at her mercy. Nothing he can learn from her inability to use her mysterious power for anything but good, to see the value in everyone, in him, against all better judgement.

Nothing he can learn from her selflessness, and her weird knack for chiding herself for her momentary lapses in kindness, for things others don’t think twice about. Nothing he can learn from her patience and empathy in the most ridiculous situations, and her faltering in it when she draws the attention inwards.

Nothing he could learn from the woman who’s determination to revel in life, even as the opposite surrounded her, surrounded him, surrounded everyone in this cursed village, managed to bring even the heavy weight of death to its knees. Nothing he could learn from the woman who didn’t even seem fazed by it, as she tended to the hospital’s neonates with a giggle and a zest for life that he barely comprehends, much less hopes to emulate.

If - he surprises himself at his optimism, but he owes it to her - he’s incapable of learning nothing from all that, then there isn’t much hope for him at all. And if there’s one thing she inspires, if he can even pick one, it’s hope.

Kakashi eventually stops ruminating. And of course, she lets him. A wry smile forms on his lips. “I wouldn’t say that.”

She glances back at him expectantly. Curiously.

“I think there’s a lot you could teach me, you know.”

She’s already taught him without intending to, he remembers, when she doesn’t press him for an explanation. She only smiles that shy, powerful smile.

But they both know it’s acknowledgement. Of what he’s trying to say, of what he’s asking her in his awkward, haphazard way. Kind as she is, even if she shouldn’t be, she agrees.

***

ii.

And so, ever the one to keep her promise, she sets about teaching him. And Kakashi, ever the one to falter, but never one to abandon, keeps coming back. He’s a quick learner in more ways he thought.

She teaches him that finding something to smile about in the day is easier than it seems.

She teaches him to laugh when he drops by the hospital to see her and a very small patient points at his hair and berates him from escaping from the geriatric ward.

She teaches him allowance for his mistakes, and respite for his suffering.

She teaches him what a fool he’s been for denying himself an embrace all these years.

She teaches him that a kiss might be more eternal, more damning, more fate-consigning that it has any right to be.

She doesn’t have to teach him just how intoxicating, addictive it is to kiss her between the legs. She doesn’t have to teach him just where and how to move his tongue before she’s tugging at that wild silver hair of his. And when he moves in her, when she clutches onto him for dear life, whispering his name in that weak, but lingering whimper, when their breaths mingle together and she manages to exalt everything from him - his love, his strength, his seed - she doesn’t have to teach him that though the price of vulnerability is high, the reward is even higher.

She teaches him, when he dares ask what he sees in a man like her, that there’s an answer to that question that satisfies him.

She teaches him that whilst leaving for a mission used to be easy, it might one day become difficult - even for him, the one who has over a thousand under his belt, the one who only has that many because he wished one would kill him. She teaches him to admit that, too.

And when it does become difficult, just as she taught, he learns that a person waiting back home is much more motivating than a death wish could ever be.

She teaches him to forgive himself, as she begins to accompany him on his graveside visits. She teaches him that there’s a chance - a small chance, Kakashi admits, but a chance nonetheless - that there’s more for his life than living it as a penance to ghosts.

She teaches him that dreaming isn’t just for the young, the idealistic, the good. It’s for the hurt, tired veteran too.

She teaches him that hearing those three words aren’t as terrifying as he’d convinced himself all these years.

He learns, when he finally returns them, that he should have said it back long ago. Because it was all worth it just for that look on her face.

***

iii.

Their time together, dreamlike as it is, is always interrupted.

She’s used to it, calmly nodding in his direction at the summoning bird that’s taken to pecking at her window now too. He nods in kind, and with a quick kiss, he’s off on his next mission. She’s always accepting, always understanding, but the patient stare that bores into his back as he leaps off towards the gravestone (an eternal part of the farewell ritual) belies her anxiety.

Still, Kakashi does make it back. And he does again and again. Sometimes his returns are at the hospital - and that expression of hers, where she doesn’t know whether to chide him for his injury or cry that he’s still in one piece - fills him with equal parts guilt and encouragement.

She still never loses that smile, though. The smile that everyone knows.

He has to leave it behind again.

He makes it back. Without a scratch, for once, but figures he might surprise her at the hospital anyway. Strange. He used to be so good at avoiding this place, and now it’s the first place he comes to of his own accord. It’s just another way he’s lost against her, but he doesn’t begrudge it. Maybe he wants some praise for being more careful, but he won’t admit that outright. Maybe he’s getting worse and worse at waiting for that smile, too.

His optimism is never rewarded. He’s been through enough to remember that, but he’s still foolish enough to forget.

It feels different, today, walking through the corridors that she’s made so inexplicably light, so jovial. She easily leaves her mark without trying, to the awe of shinobi and civilians alike.

So when the atmosphere is dense, experience teaches him to dread it. He asks at the front desk, forgetting his tendency to hide all he can about his personal life. The woman stares up at him with wide eyes, hesitating before regaining her composure.

“(Name) isn’t working at the moment. She’s in room 175.”

She doesn’t say anything else, but it wouldn’t matter if she had. The familiar dread creeps up through his bones.

He’s prepared himself for the worst by the time he’s at her room, but it’s moot when he sees her lying there. She’s lost all her colour, she’s thinner - everything about her that’d remembered these few weeks had become so weak. Her vivacity, her will to endure, had even fooled him. But she was just as fragile as anyone else. Except for him. Why the fuck couldn’t he break, instead of someone else, instead of something that meant anything just this one fucking time?

He sits at her bedside, his calloused fingers touching her dainty ones. She’s only sleeping, at least. Purple and blue spread like constellations over her skin, bandages on her arms and cheeks - the kind of injuries he’d expect on a ninja. Of a ninja too. Thoughts upon thoughts flood his mind - how the hell did this happen? Who did this to her? If she’s not safe in the damn village that he fought to protect, where the hell could she be safe?

And, of course, the curse that he’s done so well to forget he has. Did this happen, somehow, because against all judgement, he had let himself become close to her? It makes sense that he’d only be able to fool himself to a point.

And, of course, as if to shush his self-loathing and anxiety, in that fucking selfless way she always did, that broke his heart even more - her fingers move against his.

She blinks her eyes open slowly and turns her gaze to him. She doesn’t have the energy to smile, but she tries to mimic it in the look in her eyes.

“I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.”

He clasps her hand tight - and lets go just as quickly when she winces. “What the hell happened, (Name)?”

She softens her gaze. “It’s funny that I’m the one that ended up like this, when you’re the one that went out on a mission.” Her tone is light, but somehow the hum of her voice brings gravity, whether she wants it to or not.

She won’t answer his question. As if she feels guilty that she’s putting him through something, which only hurts all the more. And Kakashi knows that insisting too strongly is too unfair, too cruel when she seems so tired, no matter how much his blood boils.

There was an attack, he figures that much, and he overhears more from a nurse. A drunk jounin who’d come across her on his way home.

It’s dealt with swiftly, with the speed and efficiency Kakashi prides himself on, but it isn’t enough. He can’t forgive himself, even if she does.

She recovers soon enough, but only to a point.

Her smile is gone. The openness she’d inspire in everyone around her, the joy she’d invite - it dwindles down to nothing. It’s all too much, too familiar, a sad story he’s seen up and close too many times.

Any smile she makes now is a facsimile, a ghost of anything she could have offered previously. But her kindness still forces her to attempt it, no matter how much it hurts, when Kakashi looks at her.

As impressive as her will is, it’s only finite. He berates himself as she breaks one night, and sobs into his chest.

But she doesn’t do it again.

She doesn’t seem to do much of anything anymore.

He has another mission.

***

iv.

Kakashi’s at the training grounds again. He’s here a lot these days. When there isn’t a mission, he’s got into the habit of putting his body through the wringer. It’s what he deserves, at the very least. Besides, he has a lot more free time than he used to. As the raindrops mix with his sweat, his lightning style blends just as seamlessly with the sky.

“Do you think you could teach me that?”

The voice is familiar. Gentle, just like it used to be. Shakier than it used to be, but there’s a faint hint of the quiet resolve he used to hear, that he was foolish enough to take for granted.

He pauses. The chakra he’d gathered in his hands dissipates, and he turns around. He’s no amateur, he knew he wasn’t alone. But he could tell his little observer wasn’t there to pose a threat, either. She watches him with her wide eyes, the wide eyes that historically and even now freeze him in place. She was never one to marvel at his ninjutsu before, only acquiescing or being impressed where appropriate, - and that’s not quite what she’s doing now, either.

“Well -,” she holds her right arm with her left. It’s a normal gesture. One that would have endeared him, but only makes his heart sink now. Suddenly it’s difficult to watch her doubt herself. “Not that exactly. I don’t even want to do that even if I could. But anything you can teach me. It doesn’t have to be a lot. I think I’d be fine with a little. It’d be enough to feel better. If you don’t have too much on your plate.”

He’s watching her now, studying that expression in her eyes. Where she’s determined and defiant, even in that modest way. He believes her - she doesn’t want to learn a lot. She doesn’t want to be too much like him. But she’s allowing herself to learn from him. She’s letting herself take, not just give.

“Alright. Tomorrow, then. But let’s get you home first. It’s late, raining…,” his voice trails off, brushing off the rain from his hair sheepishly. “And I could use a break.”

She begins to smile that shy, powerful smile again. It’s sincere, and her ability to infect others with it seems to have returned. “That’s fine by me. I hear you’ve been overdoing it lately."

Kakashi finds himself grinning back.

Do you think you could teach me that?

It’s a simple question.

#kakashi x reader #kakashi #hatake kakashi #kakashi hatake #naruto #kakashi fanfiction #pfwrites #this must be my favourite prompt i've written #listening to missed the boat whilst writing this like WOW I'MA SAD #WHY THIS DOESN'T SHOW IN TAG I CRY

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permian-tropos · 3 years

Text

diary entry sort of thing. personal. content warnings under the cut

cw: mentioned suicidality

I’m trying to look with a clearer head at like... how, if it is possible, to heal my passion and relationship to this fandom, and I keep going back to this really early incident that was an obvious bad omen.

Last summer I got in the habit of exercising and it was really fun, me and my brother were really building muscle and it felt great, and I actually got into Pathologic specifically because I put playthroughs on in the background. I’d be holding planks and trying to do dips while watching the funky plague game on my tiny iphone screen, it was pretty great.

So I watched parts of playthroughs of both games, I’d already started consuming some fandom stuff, funny youtube memes mostly, and met a few people while poking around on tumblr and reddit, and the endorphins I got from exercise put a rosy tinge this experience.

And then I saw the first thundercloud of discourse on a blog I was scrolling through, where someone was trying to stir up trouble against a particular content creator for associating with ~gross kink~ and there were several other gut punches when I saw people I recognized whose fanwork I’d begun to admire joining in.

The next exercise day came around and in the middle of it I genuinely started crying from stress. If you think this is cringe then like... you’re wrong lol, people have feelings. But whatever. I was worried that the handful of friends I’d already made would abandon me if they found out I didn’t approve of policing ~gross kink~ and that I’d be dragged into a) admitting the dark kinks I do have and getting people to treat me like shit or b) hiding it but having to witness constant discussion of kinks that do squick me out, conducted in a manner to deliberately exacerbate the disgust, which is super awful for someone with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Because that’s how these discourses always go.

I couldn’t finish the day’s exercise routine because of the emotional distress and that was the last time I worked out. I couldn’t go back to it, the routine just fell apart. And that was probably quite bad for my long-term mental health. The discourse was kind of a hypervigilance trigger, where I couldn’t release pent up stress physically because my body feared it would leave me too exhausted to deal with the Looming Threat of social rejection or trying to figure out who was safe to interact with.

But with that in mind it especially sucked later on to have troubles with the people who sort of innocently advertised “safety” to me because the “safety” was only in the form of not being judged for your fiction, and for a collection of reasons it wasn’t safe for the problem of being neurotic in fandom. In letting out their frustrations with being treated badly, in trying to protect themselves in an unideal situation, even if they were being hyperbolic and didn’t intend to do anything untoward, people were communicating their own hypervigilance. It was clear that being in the fandom meant being scrutinized on all sides. Almost every conflict I got into was about this issue of keeping tabs on others, because I would be thinking, “oh god, if I wasn’t here in this conversation, people would be scrutinizing me, and some of the stuff they’re reacting badly to seems like stuff I could hypothetically say/do... maybe? I don’t know”.

People found that I was triggering their neuroses by reacting badly, because now I was scrutinizing them back. Well, fuck me, if it isn’t my old friend the mortifying ordeal of being known. Plus, their perspective of “I genuinely feel unsafe” was being greeted with what seemed to be “don’t worry so much”, so that felt insulting. But it wasn’t really that I didn’t want people to worry or be upset about being wronged. It was that I had no way of communicating or fulfilling a need I had for a fandom space where none of this was necessary.

I didn’t want a choice of what to be neurotic about. I didn’t want to be neurotic at all.

I said in a now deleted post that I regretted socializing at all, but the thing is that’s not true, I really did need to try to socialize. Except... well... this fandom was kind of a toxic fucking minefield (especially back then) and there was no way for me to engage with it without something going wrong.

That moment when I felt like I couldn’t exercise anymore because all my spare energy was inevitably going to go towards ruminating and fixating on how not to let things Go Wrong in some way... that wasn’t the point where things started to go bad because almost everything good came after that too. But it was still pretty indicative of the problem to come.

In the end of summer 2020, after battling through the horror and ennui of the early pandemic which definitely was not easy, I was starting to find ways to be consistently happy, and briefly I was physically healthy, creatively inspired, eager to make friends. A year later, I took a long walk in the woods at night, heard a creaking tree branch, and imagined the sound was my body hanging from a noose.

There’s no one cause for that. There’s other stuff I haven’t mentioned. This is hardly a full picture for anyone on the outside. I’m not assigning a villain, I’m just saying... yes, something obviously went wrong.

It really didn’t have to be like this. But as a reassurance: yes, I’m well aware that the person I was a year ago would not want me to feel this way, and in a way I’m inviting them to come back from the past and take charge of how I’m going to care for myself moving forward. Maybe I’ll try working out.

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josukesknee · 4 years

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vanilla ice’s lifetraps... an analysis?

i spent roughly 1-2 weeks compiling this so yes i am posting it everywhere bc i put way too much effort into it.

hallo hallo.

i'm researching lifetraps for a quiz i'm making (and also i just think they're interesting) so... why not force it upon the jojo fandom using an ungodly amount of words?

or, yknow, let's talk about vanilla ice part two: electric boogaloo.

a lifetrap (or schema) is defined as a negative pattern that presents itself throughout our lives. it develops in childhood/adolescence based on our life experiences. one person can have multiple lifetraps. some psychologists say there are 11, some say there are 18. enmeshment, our primary focus, is typically included by those who say 18.

i plan to do this for a few characters. no specific group, just whichever ones i feel like pouring a couple hours into. for this blog, that's vanilla ice. again.

a warning: this blog deals with things you may find upsetting, particularly death, references to domestic violence, and implications of/references to child abuse. stay safe, stay informed, and reach out when you can.

—

disclaimer / spoiler warnings

major spoilers for the entirety of SDC.

i don't condone his actions yada yada yada you have a brain. use it before you lose it.

i am not a psychologist. don't use my definitions on yourself. if you think you identify a little too strongly with one of the lifetraps i describe, you are welcome to do your own research and/or consider therapy.

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1 | basics of enmeshment

i'd suggest reading this blog if you want a better idea of what i, personally, think vanilla ice's psychology looks like.

so, first: what is the enmeshment lifetrap?

takanen describes it as feeling that you are so connected with your parents or partner, that you have no idea who you are anymore. goodtherapy calls it a blurring of boundaries. it isn't to be confused with dependence, despite their similarities.

some of the things that someone with this lifetrap will experience are:

difficulty disagreeing with parents'/partners' opinions

feeling as if they have no life, but their parent(s)/partner(s) live vicariously through them

difficulty identifying which needs, wants, and feelings are their own

guilt when they do not tell their parent(s)/partner(s) something

lack of independence from parent(s)/partner(s)

lack of distress tolerance

no sense of self

do i need to explain further? ok, i will. don't act so excited about it.

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2 | past & present: enmeshment

it's clear and emphasized in canon that vanilla ice puts dio on par with what you may consider your respective god(s); again, the blog linked in the beginning of this section will go in-depth on why i believe this, but dio is very likely similar to a part of his own identity. their identities are enmeshed in vanilla ice's mind.

vanilla ice's entire 'thing' is his devotion for dio, but... is it entirely devotion, or is it partially enmeshment? do we see anything of vanilla ice that isn't linked to dio? no, we don't; even his fury is because dio has been insulted. was it vanilla ice's desire to eliminate, or was it dio's? i think we all know who planted that seed.

and in comparison, the others in dio's crew had far bigger chances of having personal motivations that weren't solely about dio, or it's explicitly stated that they do (ex: hol horse is in it for cash); vanilla ice did not. his motivations were only about dio and where araki could've given us something to supplement that, could've given us a snippet of backstory, he didn't. maybe it wasn't intentional, but it happened, and i think it was.

we also have to ask what kind of person gets so attached? what kind of guy is vanilla ice, i mean, he's kind of intense all around, but who hurt him? enmeshment offers a pretty solid answer for that: probably his parents!

side ramble incoming.

a lot of your behavior develops based on your relationship to your parents/caretakers when you're young — anger, to name one — as do attachment styles.

vanilla ice's obsessive, co-dependent behavior likely began in his early life. following the theory i began before about him potentially being abused, forcing one into co-dependency gets just about every abuser off. it's how they trap their victims, including children who already depend on them for everything.

in an enmeshed parent-child relationship, there's a distinct lack of boundaries and privacy. children are brought up to feel guilty for attending to their own needs before others'. i would personally call it a breeding ground for child abuse.

unchallenged, this type of relationship will become what vanilla ice considers normal and healthy, and he may very well repeat and seek out this dynamic in every relationship thereon, which we can assume he does. one possibility after a childhood like i described is the person purposefully seeking out partners who require their care and protection. this could serve as a solid reason for vanilla ice following dio.

people also tend to have troubles regulating their emotions, which... well, y'all know what happened.

—

3 | basics of subjugation

enmeshment isn't 100% accurate, nor is it likely the only lifetrap our subject finds himself in. so what other schemas is he likely trapped in?

subjugation is the feeling that you must please loved ones, colleagues, friends, and even strangers.

people who experience this lifetrap often allow others to control them so that they can avoid consequences such as anger and abandonment. they have an excessive build-up of anger that can leak out in the form of passive-aggressiveness or surprisingly aggressive temper tantrums, of the which vanilla ice exhibits the latter. they tend to attract dominant, bossy people who will dictate how they feel, behave, and think, a profile that pretty accurately describes dio.

it's essentially people pleasing, but one seeks less approval, more basic human interaction.

why does this lifetrap develop?

—

4 | past & present: subjugation

people develop the subjugation lifetrap early on, typically due to their parents. the typical behavior of the parents of a subjugated individual lines up nicely (unfortunately?) with those of enmeshment.

we'll focus on the traits that line up most with vanilla ice. going with the assumption that he has anger issues, it's very likely that his parent(s) lashed out on him when he did not follow orders. that could contribute to both of the lifetraps i've mentioned here. control and guilt-tripping are also vital parts of abuse: they contribute to subjugation as well. one parent may have been the abuser and one the abused, as the abused would likely serve as an example of subjugation for vanilla ice to follow.

another thing to consider is that subjugation can form out of having to be the caretaker to family members since the parents were not around enough to do so (think dean winchester, if you will). food for thought, considering his role as a protector is presumably all he lives for.

which brings me to my next point. there are two types of subjugation: self-sacrificing or voluntary, and submissive or involuntary. this is where it gets complicated for vanilla ice.

an abuse victim would likely fall under submission out of fear, and it's pretty obvious the guy went through some variation of it. but with his relationship to dio and canon context, voluntary submission seems more likely.

i'd have to know the specifics of how they met and how he came to follow dio to be able to give you guys a solid guess as to which it is, but voluntary has more canon evidence behind it. their relationship could be viewed as either/or. at the end of the day, it's all up to your personal interpretation, especially of dio.

—

5 | cream's significance

how about something a little lighter and more palatable? let's talk about vanilla ice's stand, cream.

cream is basically a walking/floating void, waiting to destroy and swallow everything up. god, that is a sentence i never thought i'd type. anyways. let's pretend araki intended for some rando to make this psychological reach.

the void is the unknown. even vanilla ice himself says that he doesn't know where things go once they're inside his stand. vanilla ice being so unfamiliar with his own stand's ability makes the perfect reference to enmeshment, in the same way that cream's blind destruction references its user's blind anger.

in enmeshment, vanilla ice's own identity would be beyond him, just as what really lays beyond his stand's maw. his identity is a void filled with dio this and dio that; he knows nothing about himself and likely never has.

—

6 | other lifetraps

here are some others that i don't feel like expanding on or for which vanilla ice does not fit the criteria to a T.

insufficient self-control: pretty self-explanatory, very aligned with the aggressive behaviors of a subjugated individual. lack of boundaries, increased risk of addiction. tends to be attracted to demanding, disciplined, systematic partners. difficulty regulating emotions/thoughts.

punitiveness: tendency to be very harsh on yourself and punish yourself when you act incorrectly. one could interpret him blaming his anger on others as punitiveness, as others are targeted as well by a punitive's critical nature. not really seen in canon, but it's a very common trope in fanfiction (trust me... i've been in all the crevices of vanilla ice fanfic lol). this trap seems as if it would go hand in hand with pessimism, but don't quote me on that (or any of this blog, really).

—

conclusion

your takeaway? well... i just really like getting in this dude's noggin. i think i'm trying to compensate for something! but i'm not here to psychoanalyze myself. also sorry i 100% repeated/used random dividers, there are like 5 different screenshots of vanilla ice on the internet and they are all low quality lol

thanks for reading. let me know other psych related things you'd be interesting in seeing from me. i enjoy writing these psych heavy blogs a lot (more than art or anything else, tbh).

—

sources

• prior psych knowledge • lifetrap test* • lifetraps and basic psychological needs** • enmeshment • 18 early schemas defined • subjugation lifetrap • jojo's bizarre wiki

* = this site was translated to english and wording may be incorrect, as some of the grammar is certainly questionable, but it's comparable to other sources.

** = this is a PDF. your browser may automatically download this file if you open it on a phone. some phones cannot open PDF files.

#jjba #vanilla ice jojo #analysis #stardust crusaders #jojos bizarre adventure #anime

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seulgiology · 4 years

Text

love you, hate, foolish | minatozaki sana

pairings: fake-girlfriend!sana x fake-partner!reader

words: 1.2k

genre: angst >:(

warnings: crying, cheating, lying, unhealthy relationships, mentions of sexual activities

a/n: yer , admin 1 is alive. this wasn’t supposed to be over like 400 words but i felt the need to explain the situation lol whoops. anygays, some sana content for u

disclaimer: This is a work of fiction from our imagination. It is not intended that the plot, theme, original characters, idols, etc. portray any real-life events/people. Plagiarism is NOT tolerated on this blog. If you believe we have copied an existing authors’ work, please message us privately. thank you and enjoy :)

–

It was raining outside your car, the soft pelts of the drops hitting the window as the sound complimented the faint indie music playing from your radio. But it didn’t drown out the sounds of the hiccuping girl in your passenger seat, her body lightly jerking from crying so hard a few moments ago.

You can’t even bring yourself to look at her. You wouldn’t be able to handle the look of heartbreak. Your head was hung low in utter shame and disgust with yourself, and you stared blankly at the steering wheel.

“You deserve so much better than me Sana. So much better than this and this shitty up relationship I created.” Your voice cracked and your composure was crumbling the longer you sat there with her. She accidentally let out a choked sob, her throat tightening up.

She didn’t want to hear that from you. She stared out the window and let those words kill her even more, her eyes stinging again from more tears gathering in them.

“You’re such a liar and a hypocrite. You told me you’d end things as soon as you and Yeri got back together. But instead you-“ She paused for a moment, trying to get her breathing under control and focusing on the scenery outside the fogged window, “You kept her a secret continuing to fuck me and my feelings like I’m your pet. You dragged this on. You let me think that we could’ve been something… and I still love you, even after everything you’ve put me through.” Her voice died out towards the last part due to the sobs racking through her small body.

She was right. You hated yourself for that. You hated how easy it was for you to manipulate her feelings for your benefit. You knew she wanted you as more than a fantasy, and you played her.

You kept Sana to the side and abandoned your agreement with her, and resumed activities with your ex, Yeri. It was so fun being with Sana, but she could never satisfy you as Yeri did. She simply wasn’t her.

After the breakup, you couldn’t stomach to see her flirting with other people, and Sana could see you hopelessly staring at your beautiful ex-girlfriend, latching onto some guy. Knowing you’d never look at her like that.

“Why don’t you make her jealous back? Find your own plaything.” Jeongyeon said to you Thursday night over the phone. It wasn’t like you to mess around with random people, the thought made you uncomfortable. Yet you begin to consider it.

Who’d even agree to something like that? What if they end up actually liking you? Why…

You obsessively picked at your nails, a habit you picked up when you were contemplating something. Then suddenly, you remembered something. Sana.

You remember eavesdropping on her conversation one day with another one of her friends, talking about her feelings for you. You brushed it off and never thought of it again. Until now.

You had called Sana over at your apartment that Saturday afternoon asking for her help with your homework assignments, but really to try and persuade her to be your “girlfriend” for a bit. Of course she came, your smiling face pulling at her heart strings when you opened the door in your pajamas.

You’d never called her over before without the rest of your friend group, so she was pleasantly surprised and even made her self more presentable for this mediocre occasion.

“It’s just so unfair how she gets to live as if we were never together. You know, I see her staring at me sometimes, and I know she’s not over me yet.” You began towards the end of your study date, Sana’s complete attention on you as you both sat on your bed.

“We’re in love and I don’t know how she doesn’t see it.” You purposely put the hurt sound in your voice to make her pity you for what you were about to ask her.But she beat you to it.

“I know this idea is pretty out there but, we can pretend to date… to make her jealous.” She was uncertain as she said it, but of course you agreed. it was your plan after all.

You didn’t realize you were actually attracted to her until it was too late. You began doing things that couples usually do, even away from the public eye. Texting her cute messages, showing up at her door with with food and cuddles, saying things that shouldn’t be said in a false relationship.

Then you realized this was more then what it should be when you enjoyed the moans reserved only for you. A little over a month into fake dating and you were head over heels for her, and she was just falling deeper in love.

However, you were lust driven, only seeking the type of love Yeri had with you. Your ex witnessed all the lovey-dovey things Sana and you were doing and came crying in your arms like you wanted. You were ecstatic. But you weren’t ready to end whatever you and Sana had.

As impossible as it was , you found a way to keep both girls, without either finding out.

You remembered holding her hand, smiling at her blushed cheeks and telling her you’d never break her heart, as a fake girlfriend and as her friend.

“Why me? Huh?” She was raising her voice at you, the unrestrained emotion coming out of her mouth caused the tears to fall from your face.

You stole a look at the beautiful girl and your heart ached. The tears seemed to be forever flowing down her face, her cheeks red and her eyes swollen.

She was wearing the over-sized jumbo knit sweater you gave her that day in front of your ex, hoping it’d rile her up seeing you share your clothes with your new “girlfriend.” She was staring at you too, her dyed pink hair contrasting with the somber mood of the car.

You opened your mouth and immediately closed it, not being able to find the right words. Nothing you could say would make it better.

She cried harder, the pain she felt was indescribable. The sight tore at you, and you reached forward to wipe away at the tears. She pulled back from you as if your hand was poison, and you hesitantly brought your hand back.

“I don’t want you to contact me after this. I can’t... I can’t put myself through any more of your games Y/N.” She whispered out to you, her voice weak and her eyes glassy and lost.

“Wait, let me exp-” She was already out the door, the rain hitting the soft skin you used to touch and kiss. She never looked back, never heard what you had to say. This is what you deserved for being greedy.

The only time you saw the girl was when you and your friend group hung out, and even then she ignored you at all costs, pretending you weren’t even there. She couldn’t watch you put your lips over hers and making her laugh, when that’s what you did to her too.

You soon forgot about the pink-haired girl and she once again became the one person you disregard, Yeri filling in the hole once again.

But she’d never forget you, no matter how foolish it is. She still hates you. But she’ll always love you.

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modestmuses-a · 4 years

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the positive & negative : mun & muse / fill out & repost .

EKKO

MY MUSE IS : canon / oc / au / slightly canon - divergent / fandomless / complicated

i try to stay mostly close to ekko’s canon but i also have a fuckton of aus for him including some real self-indulgent bullshit that isn’t even on his verses page. if you want me to make a new au for ekko to fit him into a different skin line or something, i’ll probably do it tbh.

IS YOUR CHARACTER POPULAR IN THE FANDOM ? YES / NO / I DON’T KNOW

IS YOUR CHARACTER CONSIDERED HOT™ IN THE FANDOM ? YES / NO / IDK

for better or worse. when “giants” first came out, i had more ekko smut on my dash than i ever cared to see.

IS YOUR CHARACTER CONSIDERED STRONG IN THE FANDOM ? YES / NO / IDK

i can tell you what i think of ekko’s strength, and i can tell you that... it isn’t much. he’s not the most adept fighter in the series, and most of the time, he wins fights by cheesing them with time travel. in my thread with @uncaged-bloodhunter ekko would be DEAD four times over by now if not for the zero drive.

however, i haven’t seen much fandom opinion about his strength? i’m going to go out on a limb and say most people probably don’t find him very strong bc? i don’t see a lot of people saying that but. who knows.

ARE THEY UNDERRATED ? YES / NO / IDK

canon-wise, fandom-wise, and on this blog, ekko gets a lot of attention, which i’m not complaining about. he’s a fav.

WERE THEY RELEVANT FOR THE MAIN STORY ? YES / NO / IDK

he is important around zaun, but considering he won’t LEAVE that place, i doubt we’ll see him achieve much relevance in the bigger overarching conflicts in the league universe anytime soon.

WERE THEY RELEVANT FOR THE MAIN CHARACTER ? YES / NO / IDK

if league did have a main character, i’m sure he would never meet them unless they were from piltover or zaun lol

ARE THEY WIDELY KNOWN IN THEIR WORLD ? YES / NO / IDK

around piltover/zaun, all the academics are trying to get him to sit down with them, but overall? nah. if he went anywhere other than piltover or zaun, they would have no fucking idea who he was.

HOW’S THEIR REPUTATION ? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL

pilties HATE him! click to find out why!

no, but in seriousness, around zaun, his reputation is quite good as one of the few decent souls in the city. but in piltover, he’s just another thuggish troublemaker on a spree of petty crimes, as if zaun doesn’t already have enough of those...

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON ?

shrugs. i don’t actively think about adhering to canon with every thread i write, of course, but i do think i have a pretty good handle on his character so.

SELL YOUR MUSE !( try to list everything that makes your muse interesting to make them spicy for your mutuals )

he is a nice sweet boy who WILL adopt every single child and will go out of his way to help those in need. he also has plenty of spunk and a real get-up-and-go kind of personality, he’s not the kind of person who likes just “hanging around” so he’s a perfect companion for someone who likes to get out and adventure as long as you don’t go outside of piltover/zaun. he’s very loyal and will stick up for his friends, even when it would be more convenient to sell them out. and of course, he’s willing to call authority figures out on their bullshit and doesn’t sit back and passively watch injustices happen.

NOW THE OPPOSITE !( list everything why your muse could not be so interesting . even if you may not agree. what does the fandom perhaps think ? )

he’s got abandonment issues up to HERE, and because of that, he is c l i n g y. if he gets attached to you in any way, he will NOT let you go. he will NOT get over you. he will probably keep trying to worm his way back into your life for months or YEARS because he just doesn’t know how to deal with being left.

furthermore, he represses every negative emotion he has ever felt because he feels like his problems are trivial compared to other people’s so he bottles that shit right on up like cheap cough-syrup-tastin’ whiskey. he holds onto a LOT of resentment - at piltover, at the chembarons, at himself, at the world - and because he doesn’t allow himself to DO anything with said resentment, he’s a ticking time bomb (pun fully intended). i do have... timelines... where all that internalized hostility blows up in a really messy way. and by messy, i mean bloody.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE ?

around the time i first started getting into league, a bitch was going through it. we were pretty destitute and received an eviction notice, and i had to work my ass off to keep us from losing our apartment. it was a very depressing time for everyone involved. but then i found ekko, this boy who had even less than i did but made the most of it, who always found some way to make the day better. writing him became very cathartic for me because it allowed me to take something positive away from what was one of the worst years of my life.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING ?

punk rock music, haha! especially that of billy talent. their whole dead silence album is pretty ekko, but they have a lot of bangers that remind me of him scattered across all their albums. we deserved punk rock ekko and instead we got fucking true damage because riot didn’t wanna get political, i guess. smh.

some more personal questions for the mun . give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters , which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not .

DO YOU THINK YOU GIVE YOUR CHARACTER JUSTICE ? YES / NO / IDK

DO YOU FREQUENTLY WRITE HEADCANONS ? YES / NO / IDK

i kind of only address headcanons as they come up. very occasionally i will drop a few for a new muse just so that people get a better feel for who they are before writing them but... yeah written headcanons are pretty few and far between here. it’s really not even worth me having a headcanon banner lmao

DO YOU SOMETIMES WRITE DRABBLES ? YES / NO / IDK

i would like to, but writing my replies here kind of sucks up most of my time!

DO YOU THINK A LOT ABOUT YOUR MUSE DURING THE DAY ? YES / NO / IDK

ARE YOU CONFIDENT IN YOUR PORTRAYAL ? YES / NO / IDK

too confident some might say, but those people would be silly fools

ARE YOU CONFIDENT IN YOUR WRITING ? YES / NO / IDK

ARE YOU A SENSITIVE PERSON ? YES / NO / IDK

sometimes i get anxiety about stupid shit but i try and often fail to be secure

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL ?

nope, i ain’t changing a thing. i’m the best ekko on this site, and you are free to disagree with that because everyone is entitled to their wrong opinion, but my askbox is closed to those kinds of complaints. :)

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS , WHICH HELP YOU TO EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER ?

yeah, sure, although i understand why people don’t send them because i often draw blanks on what to send without somebody reblogging a headcanon meme or something. if you just reblog “send my character questions on anon!” i’m probably not gonna do it bc i have no idea what kinds of questions would even be relevant or helpful for you.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS , DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY

nah, everyone can do what they want. i usually won’t follow people if i don’t agree with their headcanons, but i’m not about to get all up in somebody’s business about it.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL , HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT ?

again, wrong opinion, but you’re allowed to have it and you’re also allowed to SMASH that unfollow button.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER , HOW DO YOU TAKE IT ?

who hates ekko of all people, first of all? but second of all, i don’t care. just don’t get in my dms about it ‘cause i’ll block you. i’m not really interested in somebody bashing one of my muses to my face.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ?

shrugs. yeah, i guess. i usually leave other people’s grammatical errors alone as long as i can read their stuff.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN ?

yeah i think so. i try to be, anyway. i like to make ooc friendships bc i find it way more satisfying and easy to write with friends. although i sound a little bitchy in parts of this, it’s mostly jokes for exaggeration effects.

tagged by: @bikmui

tagging: @storiestotell (akutagawa), @bystcrdust, @dimensionaljumper (for eliza ‘cause i always send stuff for scribe lol)

#sad sappy sucker [ooc]#//thanks for the tag cas!#//this was a welcome distraction from the shitshow that has been the past couple days <3

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jewpacabruhs · 4 years

Text

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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best-science-dad-tony · 5 years

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Are you all still active? And do you accept oc rp accounts or only canon based ones?

((Oh boy.

So here’s the thing...I’m probably not going to give these blogs quite the attention I did in the beginning, and I should explain why because you all deserve that.

At first, I didn’t think these things would go anywhere. I figured they’d be fun to play around with, banter, get some jokes in and see a few likes, maybe a reblog or two. But then they started gaining traction, and before I knew it, people were invested in my silly little accounts.

I wrote down a quick sketch of a plot and some ground rules for myself, rules that I intended to follow. I essentially wrote a post-Endgame story before Endgame after I saw Infinity War incorporating the elements I wanted to see in the next movie. At the time I was one person. No one was helping me. I knew I wanted to tell a story you all could participate in and enjoy, and to do that I thought it was best if I laid out a groundwork for myself on ways to do that. Things like resolving to answer every Ask, even if it was just to warn the person to stop what they were doing. To adopt every kid (at first that wasn’t on Anon but then I gave in). To give you guys Milestone rewards as thank yous, because even when I just hit fifty subscribers on Tony’s blog, I was ecstatic and appreciated you all so much, and felt like you deserved something so I could show you my gratitude. Unfortunately, before they went up...someone forced me to use one I wasn’t expecting. Literally right after I had made the rule for myself.

I told myself that if anyone found an Infinity Stone, it would be the one Tony had.

The Soul Stone.

I needed the Soul Stone for the plot to work, but I needed Tony to have a safety precaution around it too since Thanos was (is?) still alive. I told myself that if someone found out Tony had the Stone and wasn’t supposed to, he would have a way to protect it. So I had to use the solution I gave him: FRIDAY sending the Stone to an unknown planet with one of the Iron Man suits and promptly wiping her databanks of its location so Thanos or anyone else would be unable to find it.

So someone found an Infinity Stone...and it was just...gone. Before I’d figured out how Tony would get it back.

My fellow Admins all know this. I can’t begin to tell you how many discussions I’ve had with them trying to write myself out of this hole. Usually, I’m pretty good at getting characters out of seemingly impossible situations...but I haven’t come up with anything that feels believable, that I feel like justifies the plot I have in mind or really respects the characters and who they are.

Normally I would have just gotten rid of the plot point of the Soul Stone being lost completely...but this isn’t an unfinished chapter in my Google Docs. It already happened. I can’t change it.

I don’t know if you guys have read Mercy by Stephen King or watched the movie, but it makes an excellent point that I strongly agree with:

Annie Wilkes : When I was growing up in Bakersfield, my favourite thing in the whole world was to go to the movies on Saturday afternoons for the Chapter Plays.

Paul Sheldon : [nodding] Cliffhangers.

Annie Wilkes : [shouting] I know that, Mr. Man! They also called them serials. I'm not stupid ya know... Anyway, my favourite was Rocketman, and once it was a no breaks chapter. The bad guy stuck him in a car on a mountain road and knocked him out and welded the door shut and tore out the brakes and started him to his death, and he woke up and tried to steer and tried to get out but the car went off a cliff before he could escape! And it crashed and burned and I was so upset and excited, and the next week, you better believe I was first in line. And they always start with the end of the last week. And there was Rocketman, trying to get out, and here comes the cliff, and just before the car went off the cliff, he jumped free! And all the kids cheered! But I didn't cheer. I stood right up and started shouting. This isn't what happened last week! Have you all got amnesia? They just cheated us! This isn't fair! HE DID'NT GET OUT OF THE COCK - A - DOODIE CAR!

Paul Sheldon : [long pause] They always cheated like that in cl... chapter plays.

I don’t want to cheat you all. As arrogant as it might sound, I think I’m a better writer than that. And you all certainly deserve better than that.

When I went to see Endgame (in full Tony Stark cosplay, might I add), I hoped to find inspiration to continue. And let’s just say that ending killed a part of me and I’m still dealing with nightmares and panic attacks over it. My mom asked me if I wanted an Avengers cake for my 22nd birthday and I burst into tears. I just...I can’t handle it right now.

But I recently got my inspiration back for this plot. I remembered how much I loved my ideas, the little timeline I had laid out for myself. I remembered how much fun it was for Tony and Stephen to interact with their kids, for Thor and Loki to talk to Midgardians. I remembered how much fun it was to use obscure ships. And I want to do it. For those reasons, I want to come back to it. I want to see that plot through to the end of the line, whatever that may be.

So I’ve added some elements, and I’ve decided to go in with firmer rules than I had at the beginning, where I would let anyone tell Tony and Stephen “yeah, so...I’ve been stabbed, ‘sup with you guys lol”.

The catch is...it won’t be on these blogs.

It would mean going through everything on them and pretending it didn’t happen, which hardly seems fair, especially when so many people still like and reblog some of my more popular posts. It doesn’t seem fair to just throw all of that away.

Like I said, I don’t want to cheat you, and doing that feels like cheating to me.

So instead I’m starting over. I’m in the process of setting up new blogs, a new Discord server, and I’m working with my Admins to put these new blogs into place.

The other big twist is...I won’t be advertising them here.

I don’t want you all to think I don’t value and appreciate all your kindness and support.

But I don’t want you all to join those new blogs just because I made a joke on Bucky’s account (in this set of blogs) that you liked. I want you to join because you’re invested, because you enjoy the interactions, because you like my writing for what it is and not just because it’s me typing it. It’s the same reason I have a separate AO3 account I never share.

I feel proud when people come to these blogs and see Tony confronting Steve and find out I was writing both of them, not bouncing off a fellow Admin.

I hope I don’t sound ungrateful. I’m swear not. But I want the new blogs to earn their following just like these did. You all saw something in these blogs, whether it was a joke, some advice; something that meant something to you. Maybe you saw family. Maybe you saw a friend. I don’t know. But I sincerely hope that whatever it was, I earned that follow from you. That I earned those likes and reblogs of my own volition.

All I ask of you is if you want to see where these new blogs will go, if you want to follow them, if you find them, please, don’t spoil what will happen for any newcomers who join the ranks. Certain plotpoints will carry over. I want any new fans to be as invested and surprised as you were.

Maybe one day I’ll tell you where the plot moved if you can’t find it and you want to know the big picture. Maybe you’ll just unfollow me or ignore the fact that I’m working on something else.

But I’m not going to just up and abandon these blogs. For a long time, they meant something to me, and at least to some of you. They’ll stay up, and I’ll answer your asks and engage with you. I can’t speak for the other Admins. But with me, you’ll always have someone to message, even if I take forever. But no more nitty-gritty plot. We’ll say Thanos got tired of holding Quill prisoner and fucked off somewhere. These blogs are now just for lighthearted family fun.

This is a long-winded rant to say that yes, I am still active in some ways, and I’m not in others.

As for OC accounts, they have always been welcome, but they don’t get put on the Masterlist or get OC-centric plots. Just be sure to follow certain rules- like Tony having no biological children.

I’m sorry for the rant.

TL;DR: I’m making new blogs to write this plot as I originally intended, but these will stay up and you can message them (at least mine). Also, OCs are cool and always welcome. ~Admin Chara))

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