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meghernandez · 3 years

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How do you love a person less and love yourself a little more? (Part 1)

Hey! I know I been haven’t posting much lately, but I badly need to let out my feelings once and for all. Let this be a milestone to my 360 degrees character development for 2021.

Something has been bothering me lately; so bothered that I am uneasy with every notifications I get. Have you ever felt the need to always talk to your special someone? Because I do. I have been doing so for years, I just came to a realization while taking a thoughtful shower. I have a real toxic trait-- I can be TOO CLINGY. Yes. I’ve always thought that clingy-ness can be cute and it equates to how much you love a person. However, it took me how many years of failed relationships to realize that it might be toxic trait. You might be wondering, why now, after all these years of being in a relationship, long-term ones at that? It is because I don’t want to lose the one who has my heart right now (and possibly marry) just because I’m being way too overdependent.

Took me a bit of a closer look at the mirror to realize that I have to stop looking at my phone and just be focused on something. I think I have developed this mad skill of mine from my multi-tasking talents. However, not all people are the same as me. Take my boyfriend for example, he can’t multi-task, and yet, I demand him to do so. But I cannot do that to him, that is not him, I cannot change a person just because I cannot bend my rules. I have to look at things differently, I have to stop feeling so insecure and unsure of a relationship just because we don’t talk every second of everyday. Writing this and FINALLY accepting the fact that it is indeed a toxic trait hits me straight to the face-- accurately phrased as “a hard pill to swallow”.

This afternoon, I was in argument with my boyfriend about this topic. At first it wasn’t this exact topic but one thing led to another in which this came up. I thought I matured cause I learned not to reply ASAP. However, it was because I was only restraining myself to reply, it was not because I was busy with other things, it was because I was forcing myself not to reply immediately. I think this took a huge toll at my boyfriend because he knew that I let him be, but he somewhat felt the pressure to reply even though I never told him to do so. I guess it was my presence of always being so available that he felt the need to be there as well. I have to stop this...

So starting today [and mark these words], I would go about my day without giving any fucks to other people and not give myself as available. I just wouldn’t. I need to learn how to be happy spending time with myself. I’m gonna do this by tracing my steps back to when I found myself free-- activities include:

Blog again, yes! I’ll try my best to blog more. - I know that not a lot of people reads my blog anymore, let alone use Tumblr in that matter but I should really get back to my roots. I think I’m losing touch with words lately that I can’t even form proper sentences and even forget correct grammar, for crying out loud. Tumblr helped me become fluent in English writing and this counts as self-development!

Read more books. - I promised myself to read at least 1 chapter a day, just to kick off my bookcraze phase again, since I’ve been in a reading slump for months now. I started this new “book recommendation” IG wherein I draw books and write reviews. I think I might repost some of my artworks here and also my book reviews!

Focus on one thing at a time. - This would help. I’ve always thought that multi-tasking was a blessing, because I was so good at it that I can focus at many things at once. Alas, it took my today to realize that 1) It is very inefficient, 2) It makes me more unproductive and takes much of my time, 3) I can’t have a peace of mind when doing work. That’s why this year, I should focus on one thing at a time. When I’m in class, I’ll put my gadgets away from my perimeter. Or when watching a movie, I’ll just do that and not talk to other people so that I can fully enjoy it. When was the last time I did this? I can’t even remember.

Be more productive and love myself more. - A must. A eureka moment was when I was in the shower and realized that I am not only becoming a toxic person to others but to myself as well. Thus, self-love starts now! I say do things that make me happy and have hobbies that I can fully immerse myself into. That’s a good start.

These are some of the things at the top of my head. It’s good to have lists. I will update you guys soon for my progress. Let this be the part one of my journey to self-love! An early birthday gift to myself-- cheers!

#thoughts #self

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