Tumgik
#i couldn't keep it up and now i've lost whatever scraps of strictly conditional love she had left for me
traumacure ยท 3 years
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i know i never shut up about it but the fact that my only remaining parent and her husband desperately want me gone hurts a lot. my mom will never love me again, she'll never help me again, she's only begrudgingly housing me at this point. i'm nothing but a failure to her and she just wants me to stop being her problem already. i've said it before but i'm not even a child to her, i'm just an investment that isn't paying off. she doesn't even hide her disappointment or how much she wants me gone anymore and it really hurts!
#i miss when i was a little kid sick with pneumonia she was so gentle then#it was like i was loved for once everyone was so kind and gentle with me#i just want to be taken care of but i've grown too big no one wants to look after a pathetic adult like me#this stopped being cute years ago no one feels bad for me anymore they just get fed up with my shit#my mom will never love me now i'll never earn my way back into her heart it hurts it hurts it hurts#i just wanted my last remaining parent to love me i wanted her to be proud i tried so hard to make her proud i became a 4.0 student#it wasn't enough i couldn't keep it up i had to take some time off and now she's completely given up on me#i loved her i loved her i really did i forgave her so many times even though she'll never apologize#i wanted her to love me i wanted her to be proud of me i just wanted my mom to love me but she only wants me gone#what did i do wrong? i tried so hard i tried so hard i ran myself into the ground trying to be the perfect child#because i saw what she did to the ones who weren't good enough i saw her give up on them i saw her disappointment i saw it all along#i hoped she'd never deem me a failure like she did to my brother but all my good grades meant nothing in the end#i couldn't keep it up and now i've lost whatever scraps of strictly conditional love she had left for me#i've let her down and now she wants me gone it really hurts i tried so hard to win my way into her good graces my entire life#and i couldn't do it i couldn't earn my own mother's love. i'm an unwanted disappointment of a child and it hurts so much#i just wanted my mom to love me why couldn't i even have that much? why am i not worth anything to the only parent i have left?#my dad was a terrible parent for so many reasons but sometimes i wish he lived bc i miss feeling needed#it was awful and unhealthy and abusive and it fucked me up but i miss it sometimes i miss feeling that needed by a parent#i miss him sometimes i really do other times i hate him most of the time i'm just glad he's gone but i miss him now#i miss having a parent who wanted me around at least some of the time#vent#๐Ÿฉน#๐Ÿ‘“#๐Ÿšฌ#๐Ÿ’™.txt
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