#i come to this realization through a non american experience

[velvetures]

May I RQ a reader who is trying to learn their language to help them feel more comfortable, but feels insecure due to them not really being fluent? They mispronounce and misuse the slangs in context, but hopes they can make the boys see the effort they are trying to go through for them.

Lessons In Miscommunication

A/N: Hi doll, I hope you don't mind me using König for this one. I've got a lot of experience with Spanish irl, but that's not super applicable here, haha. To anyone who's German... please forgive me. 🤍 Summary: You're on comms during a mission getting a small lesson in König's language while waiting for your next orders from HQ. Things get complicated, and there's a language and culture barrier that makes things... challenging. T/W: canonical warfare, cursing, non-fluent use of German, flirting, feelings, and some other stuff probably. Not proofread, as always.

To put it simply, you didn't expect just how difficult it would be to learn a new language in your twenties. Sure the science spoke to the provable trouble you would have compared to a much younger version of yourself, but for all meaningful purposes, you really didn't think it would be this nuanced. And while Spanish, French, and other languages were of great importance, there wasn't anyone who could teach you those. The one person around was König, and he spoke German.

When you'd approached the topic nearly eight months ago, he'd been honestly shocked and surprised that you'd come to him in the first place and secondly that you thought he would be a good teacher. He was often thought of as reliable as a Colonel, but giving you suitable enough tutoring in German to be conversational was nothing short of uncharted territory for the pair of you. This made for very interesting moments in and outside of missions as well as a few times where it would've been better if you'd used an online app or something to keep from unintentionally embarrassing yourself.

Posted almost two miles away from the Colonel on a rocky outcropping overlooking a small encampment of a radical terrorist group, you laid on the hillside with a rifle and radio trying to pass the time between now and when you'd get the call to secure the site. The men and women down below were only one small stop-off point for a far larger caravan of armored trucks and a few tanks carrying supplies and weaponry toward the closest city of Almazra. It was a threat that couldn't come to fruition if the buildings and people still living there were to be left standing by the end of the week.

On the other end of the two-mile distance was König and a selected squad of men who were waiting just as impatiently as you were to not only get this mission over with but to get out of the damn desert heat. For security's sake, you knew you should be keeping the airways clear for any kind of information about the insurgent's movements, but König had insisted that this would be a perfect opportunity for you to get some practice in without losing focus of the task at hand. Your job at the moment was to keep eyes on the encampment through the lens of your sniper rifle and report anything that looked to be of importance.

König's definition of what was important could be easily debatable, yet it did ensure that you could make simple connections between real-world objects and the German words or phrases that matched. Whether or not the Colonel realized it or not, both of you had slightly gotten off the target of what you were supposed to be talking about and wandered into the more... personal aspects of things. Specifically just how bad you wanted to be home after nearly a full month away from American soil and your personal home.

"Ich habe für immer Fernweh," Your accent was certainly progressing, at least in the Colonel's mind, but he wasn't quite sure exactly what you meant by that.

"Was meinst du damit? Kannst du es dieses Mal auf Englisch sagen?"

His voice sounded a little confused and more than a tinge humored at the way you'd sounded so... formal. Even diplomatic to a degree. It was one of the more difficult parts of teaching you. Dialects, slang, and even simple English-to-German translations didn't always have a very direct or clear answer. Often it meant that you would say something with full intention and innocent honesty, and König would have to keep himself from chuckling. Most of the men he worked alongside didn't speak for one reason or another, so getting to hear at least one person -especially you- made the near and far miscommunication more than worth the effort.

Looking through your scope at a group of five sitting around a small fire, you sigh a bit, trying to think of how to explain yourself.

"I meant I'm feeling homesick," You mutter a little more quietly than necessary, almost as if saying it in English was broadcasting your secret while German somehow kept it from being found out. "What did you hear me say?"

König chuckled, his laugh vibrating in the speakers of your comm quite nicely. "You said you have wanderlust forever," You could hear him smiling from the other end. "It's okay, sometimes the words don't always mean exactly what you think they do. I had the same problem when I learned English." For a moment he paused, laughing softly again. "I still can't say Squirrel... properly."

"Vielleicht habe ich doch Lust auf etwas..." You mutter a bit frustrated and somewhat skarkily under your breath, making a small jab at wordplay not thinking that König could hear you over the radio or that he'd be more shocked to hear you say such a thing.

The radio stays silent for a long few minutes, almost tricking you into believing that you'd been safe in making your comment under your breath without any audible witnesses. Only on the other end, the Colonel was struggling between the actual meaning behind your words, the way it sounded so damn sexy... and how he was supposed to actually answer you without sounding too affected by something as simple as your voice.

"Se-Sergeant..." His voice sounded a little weak, much in the same way it did when he was in an uncomfortable social situation. "What did you just say?"

Instantly your body tensed up from fingers to toes and you felt a shock of heat roll through you. König heard you. Right away you assumed by the growl in his question that you were going to be in for some kind of punishment. Maybe even a good ass-chewing in front of the rest of the squad for saying something so easily considered lewd and totally unprofessional to utter in the presence of a superior officer. Your best bet was apologizing, and hoping he'd just let it go...

"I'm sorry, I was just frustrated and-"

His voice deepens over the radio, almost like he's got it pressed right up against his mouth. "Say it again." The command felt heavy in your stomach. "Now."

You repeated the phrase, staring through the lens of your scope with bated breath. waiting to hear what the Colonel would say in response. And the last thing you expected was to hear an almost pained sort of growling sound vibrating in your ears. It made you shiver and despite König being almost two miles away, it felt like he was breathing down your neck.

"Du klingst so hübsch, wenn du das sagst..." A noticeable static over the radio took your attention, but when it didn't get worse you had the mental capacity to translate what König said word by word until you had the full sentence running through your head.

The time between his praise and your response was nearly indistinguishable between seconds and years. Had it not been for you watching your targets moving in real-time through your scope, you would've thought the whole world had come to a stuttering halt in anticipation of your response. Yet it seemed that the world still had to do other important things which included bringing the key turning point of this mission right to your front door with the sudden sound of an approaching squad tailing the convoy of insurgents giving information and callouts for how to proceed forward. Of those, orders for König and his men to begin working down the side of the mountain to intercept the meeting of the convoy and the small ground sitting in tents around a high-burning fire.

"Ich werde später herausfinden, wie hübsch man klingen kann, wenn man schmutzige Dinge auf Deutsch sagt." The Colonel's voice growled lowly, almost threatening in a sense.

There was no telling what would happen after the mission ended and there wasn't a threat of being shot or failing to secure Almazra. What you could count on was König finding you and testing out his theory of all the things you could say in his language they may or may not have been provocative - on purpose or not. Something in your body shivered in delightful nervousness and anticipation of just how he planned on getting that kind of information out of you. A couple of ideas swirled in your mind, but the movement of the incoming convoy didn't allow you the luxury of daydreaming about your Colonel or how your mistaken words and German lessons had landed you here.

Comments and Reblogs are Always Helpful <3

#könig #könig x reader #kortac #konig mw2 #konig cod #anon ask #anon answered #anon <3 #velvetures #velvetures writes

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Top 5 comics that aren't bat related?

GOD okay I'm admittedly so so behind on my non-Bat comic reading because trying to read Everything Published In A 15 Year Period is fucking TIME CONSUMING, but! but but but!!! I have some fun ones!! also as always these are not in ANY particular order!

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021)

first off: yes we are including graphic novels! that's just a honkin big comic! nobody @ me! anyway, I read Thirsty Mermaids in one sitting on an airplane earlier this year and it was delightful. it follows three mermaid besties who turn themselves into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to get stuck when the party mage can't remember how to turn them back. what follows is a mix of shenanigans and genuinely heartwarming character development as the trio cope with being landlocked and try to survive capitalism. there's a high potential for a story like this to get cloyingly oversentimental, but Thirsty Mermaids struck the right balance for me the whole way through and never went overboard.

also, the character designs are soooooo fun. look at them!

2. My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016)

MLEWL is one of those books that actually completely lives up to the hype and then some, and it totally knocked me on my ass the first time I read it. I didn't really know what to expect going in, but I was totally blown away by how boldly Nagata's willing to share the ugliest parts of her life through this reflection. it's so much more than romance and yearning (and that isn't even really resolved by the book's end! Nagata continues to struggle with interpersonal relationships in later books, which you should also read!), and it felt really refreshing to see such an honest depiction of how much being depressed and anxious and insecure can just fucking suck. but at the same time, Nagata's ability to turn all of that into art and process what she's experienced in a really levelheaded way as she finds the will to grow and change is really affirming.

I have to give a special note of appreciation to the actual sex scene and how intimacy is negotiated between Nagata and the sex worker she hires, especially the ultimate realization that sex is just an act and losing her virginity didn't really change anything about why she was unhappy in her life. as a sex educator, I really appreciated the honesty and sheer practicality of how it was all framed.

3. Nimona (ND Stevenson, 2015)

hi okay yes basic bitch alert I'M AWARE, but I reread Nimona last year to remind myself of why I didn't want to watch the Netflix adaptation and I was so right for that, because OG Nimona fucks so much harder. it's heartfelt but also chaotic and violent and funny and deeply jaded; I think when I mentioned it in my monthly reading synopsis here I described it as weird art for pissed off queer people by a weird pissed off queer person. and I stand by that! if you haven't read it already or if you haven't in a while, it's right there waiting for you with an open invitation to burn the entire corrupt government to the ground.

I know the word feral is overused and therefore cringe but christ, comic Nimona is feral. come on, man. just let her kill your ex. he's a cop.

4. Superman Smashes the Klan (Gene Luen Yang and Gurihiru, 2020)

I had to get one DC comic in here, sue me! it's not Batman-related at all! it's a really rad Superman story that takes place in the 1940s and loosely reimagines an old radio serial, "Clan of the Fiery Cross," the was pretty much a 16-part hit piece on the KKK that was hugely successful in tarnishing their reputation and getting membership to drop. how cool is that? in this version we follow Lee family, Chinese-Americans who have just moved to Metropolis and are met with harassment from the local Klansmen, contrasted with Clark, early in his hero career, still figuring out the full extent of his alien abilities. you get some really nice parallel storytelling between the Lee kids, Tommy and Roberta, exploring what it means to be part of two different cultures at the same time Clark is going through something similar figuring out how to be a representative of two totally different planets, and it all works out in a way that's really sweet. now that I have a friend who's a baby I can't wait until he's old enough to get a copy.

it's an extremely comic book-y comic but in, like, the best way possible.

5. Hawkeye (Matt Fraction and David Aja, 2012-2015)

I can't believe I almost forgot to list tumblr darling Matt Fraction's Hawkeye! what do I even say about this series that hasn't been said already? I love the way Clint Barton is a sadsack piece of shit who's repeatedly ruined his own life, and I love rooting for him anyway because he's just trying so goddamn hard. and also because there's a teenage girl who stole his name and gimmick bullying him the whole time. (Kate Bishop you are everything to me and you will always be famous.) there are costumes and crime fighting but it's first and foremost a slice of life about a life that fucking sucks but keeps on trucking anyway, and that's so up my alley it's not even funny. a lot of the humor probably feels dated now but fuck it, the series is iconic for a reason.

MCU, eat your heart out.

bonus because I wrote out the whole thing and then decided I wanted to include a different one: Paper Girls (Brian K. Vaughan and Cliff Chiang, 2015-2019)

I'd be lying if I said that the thing about this series that I love first and foremost wasn't the art, because Chiang's art is breathtaking and I'll read anything ever if he does the art on it. but it's also just a super cool twisty, time-bending story about four girls getting roped into some high sci-fi bullshit when they're just trying to finish up their paper routes the morning after Halloween and having everything go to hell around them. I really respect a series that is committed to being weird and doesn't really care if you don't understand what's going on for a decent chunk of the plot, especially because it all comes together in a way that's pretty satisfying. waiting to read the whole series in one big run once it was all published so that I could track all the little hints and clues and things coming together across time travel bullshit was mwah, delicious.

also more than anything it's a story about how you Do Not fuck with 12 year old girls, especially in packs, because they're metal as hell, and I'm really about that.

#bookblr

[adarkrainbow]

A brief talk about Fables and LGBT

When it comes to works dealing with oe re-creating fairy tales, I always like to take a look at any possible LGBT representation. After all, fairytales became such a monolithic symbol of a heterosexual world with no place for queer people that taking a look at non "orthodox" orientations is always one of the easiest but also deepest subversions of the genre. (There's a whole thing to say about the very strong queerness of literary fairytales from madame de Murat and the knight of Mailly to Andersen and Oscar Wilde, but we'll keep this for later - let us focus on the "popular opinion" and "random Joe or Joane" knowledge that "fairytales are for heteros only").

As such, I had to take a look at the LGBT representations in the comic book "Fables". Being one of the big names and great example of fairytale media, building an entire franchise on reinventing fairytales into a modern fantasy and marking the first American entries into the urban-fantasy fairytale world... And it is very interesting because in recent years "Fables" has come under heavy criticism precisely because of a lack of LGBT representation. You have this numerous series, that spawned numerous spin-offs, and co-existed with other great Vertigo titles filled with queerness (Neil Gaiman's Sandman to take an example)... And yet all people remember of it are "heteros everywhere". Is it true? Is Fables truly as queer-unfriendly as we recall?

This post originally began last year as a catalogue of all the queer characters in Fables... But I stopped halfway, realizing I was exhausting myself by just dissecting every little part of the comic. Not that I do not enjoy it - but I have better things to do on my free time. So instead of making a full and exhaustive list of every mention of non-hetero things, I will rather make some broad and general observations based on my knowledge and reading of this franchise.

If we look at the main series, we can only confirm this popular opinion: homosexual characters are neither primary nor secondary - they are tertiary at most. The only character I remember to have been truly confirmed as homosexual was Moss Waterhouse from "Jack Be Nimble". A very cool character - an intelligent, ambitious, charismatic, slightly morally ambiguous Black, gay and Jewish man who knows he is every minority the old world hates and doesn't hesitate to use it as a weapon, and ultimately gets the fame, the wealth and the power. A very cool character... that lasts a few issues and disappears completely. Beyond that... What do we have? Rose-Red says she had "experiences" with women before - but it is a detail thrown hastily in a dialogue of "Animal Farm", and it is unclear if she is truly bisexual, simply "experimented" in her past, or purposefully had lesbian relationships in her conscious and intense effort to break all the social taboos of the Fables community... I did notice a hairdresser that seems to be a "gay hairdresser" stereotype in "The Sons of the Empire", but after that, the series is a desert.

So, while Bill Willingham recognizes gay people exist, he clearly doesn't want to focus on them or talk about gayness in his plots. In fact, he seems to have been thinking more about them in the beginning of his comic (all the mentions above are from the first third or so of the series), before completely focusing on something else. There is not a refusal of depicting homosexuals, no, there is simply no desire to focus on them or push them forward or tell stories about them (except for Moss Waterhouse, who is a focus-character and one of the main characters of the Jack Be Nimble arc - but a tertiary character in Fables as a whole). [Note: I am only looking at here through the lense of inside the comic, but it doesn't help that Willingham is in real-life an openly Christian and old-fashioned author with some... specific ideas that do not really fit with modern sensibilities, resulting in some of the series' primary controversies, like the handling of abortion.]

HOWEVER! To say Fables is not a gay comic FRANCHISE would be a big mistake. Because while the main series is a desert with one oasis, the spin-offs are BURSTING with gay characters! Well, it isn't a Pride Parade still, but we have prominent, important, front-stage homosexual characters, and gay romances are part of the plots and character growths!

"Fairest" is probably the most gay of all the spin-offs : in "The Hidden Kingdom", Rapunzel is confirmed to be bisexual and a key part of the plot is her romance with a female kitsune. In "The Return of the Maharaja" Prince Charming is revealed to be bisexual and Nathoo (of The Jungle Book) to be gay. And in "Clamour for Glamour" Mary is in an homosexual relationship too... Not only are homosexual relationships openly depicted and primary characters confirmed as queer, but the topic of accepting these relationships is also heavily talked about - from Rapunzel facing the rejecting of a feudal Japan moral system, to Nathoo being afraid of his own feelings and Charming having to explain to him they are normal. What is especially interesting about "Fairest" is that the series seems to go at counter-flow against the main series. For example, Prince Charming is confirmed to be bisexual and to have loved at least a man before... But if I recall well, in the beginning of "Fables" Charming made clear he was NOT into guys, only girls. Another case could be brought up - Crispin, whose "gay-coding" was massively amplified in "Of Men and Mice" - in fact, it is very obviously and strongly suggested by the story that Crispin and the Huntsman are more than friends, given how the Huntsman rushes by his side and refuses to leave his hospital bed after the explosion... It is not openly said, leading to Wikipedia articles to go with the usual routine of "They're just good friends", but the way it is framed and having this "very strong same-sex devotional friendship" sandwiched between openly gay romances, it all VERY strongly implies some homoromantic feelings...

Another spin-off that deserves a good place on this list, but that is not well known (because A- it is the last of the spin-offs and B- it got cancelled due to low sales) is "Everafter", which explicitely confirms that Connor Wolf, one of the children of Snow and Bigsby, is not just homosexual, not just bisexual, but PANSEXUAL thanks to his extensive shapeshifting abilities allowing him to turn into all kinds of sexes, genders and species. And this isn't just told to us by dialogue, but also explicitely proven and shown by having Connor enter an homosexual relationship with one of his male colleagues, Tom Swift (from the Tom Swift novels).

So, what made this "queer boom" in the spin-offs? Was it because Willingham was less present, if not completely absent, allowing other voices to write and speak? Was it because it was "side-stories" that could be split from the "main stuff", and thus there could be more experiments? Was it because these series were made and written in the late 2000s and early 2010s rather than the late 90s, and so these subjcts were more on people's minds? Probably a mix of all that - after all, one thing well known is that the spin-offs were places of free experiments and competitive alternatives, resulting in contradicting plotlines that made the series semi-canons compared to Willingham's main continuity (see the dual Sleeping Beauty origin backstory).

The Fables franchise is not "anti-gay", far from it - I do hold the idea that fairytales are an inherently queer genre and so every work dealing with them for too long ends up showing queer themes at one point or another - even though it is true that the Fables SERIES is very, if not almost exclusively, heterosexual-driven. But the very open and normalized homosexuality, bisexuality and pansexuality of the spin-offs help balance this in the scope of a franchise.

Now, you might say: "Hey, you spoke of queerness at the beginning of your post, but now you're all rambling about sexualities! Where's the transgenders at?". And believe me, it was deliberate! Here is the thing - when it comes to trans folks, Fables becomes a whole other lot of complex topic. I do not know what Willingham's personal opinions of trans people are, and it doesn't really matter here because am looking at the actual created work as it can be received from someone with no knowledge of the author. Here's the thing: while the Fables main series is a desert of gayness, it develops a very strong transgender esotericism through focus on specific fairytale topics, reversal of fairytale tropes, and discussion of motifs that truly work as gender-breaking occultism. This is why anyone who reads some arcs of the main series can easily believe Willingham is trans-friendly (again I don't know if he actually IS, and from the rumors I vaguely heard, he might not be fully okay with trans people, but his work speaks a different language). If Willingham truly is against trans people, than this proves my point above: anyone dealing too much or for too long with fairytales in their work will grow queer-messages and queer-themes, that they want it or not.

On one side, you have numerous shapeshifters in this story who explicitely keep altering and changing their appearances and identities, which brings forward questions of "living into two worlds" (like the cubs, halfway between humans and wolves) or having to choose one identity other another. When this gets mingled with inhuman, cosmic entities and personified natural powers this results to some very interesting gender issues - most famous being the North Wind case. When there is talks of the North Wind getting an heir among his grandchildren, there is a whole discussion about how the North Wind will always be King of the North and of Winter... even if the new North Wind is a girl. Which, as the North Wind attendants say, lets the heir choose if they want to become male to match the title, or stay female while being called "King" - because ultimately the North Wind, being a seasonal and weather power, is above and beyond these gender considerations, and mostly uses them as attributes and titles more than anything of real substance.

On the other side, the topic of names is truly fascinating... Fables being iconic characters of popular stories, feeding off their fame and celebrity to gain power, means that they are deeply attached to their names, that their names are their essence and their being, and that these same names will keep haunting them. And yet... in the second half of the comic, we have numerous characters changing their names. Changes that not only mark deep personal growths and dvelopments, but also are accepted by others and change the perceptions of who the character is. When Flycatcher stops being a low janitor in deny, and decides to become a brave, powerful, messianic king, he returns to his original name of "Ambrose". Similarly, Frau Totenkinder when returning to her true self, abandoning the nicknames and disguises, gains a new identity so that the other Fables do not recognize her and mistake her for another person. And of course, there is how Stinky - who got a name he hated, not by choice - becomes Brock Blueheart, though this is here meant to be more of a religious allegory than anything else. But still - for anyone aware of his transgenderism works, to see this importance and focus on the power of names, of names as defining an identity, and of the changing of names to change who you are... It is hard not to see some trans motifs in the second part of the Fables comics.

But even more relevant, even more obvious, even more trans-coded, was the story of Rodney and June. This arc was the definitive proof that no matter what Willingham's personal opinions might be, Fables was a trans-friendly comic, even if maybe against the author's own intentions, or by accident. [Or again, purposefully if Willingham turns out to be cool with transgenders people, I don't know the guy]. Rodney and June, wood-soldiers, born out of trees, made of wood, part of an entire elite nation and civilization of wooden people... Are fascinated by people of flesh, dream of becoming flesh people, even if others see them as weird freaks and advise them to "keep all this hidden" not to compromise their reputation ; and their story is fully developed and fleshed out (no pun intended) from awkward and failed attempts at imitating and understanding the behavior of flesh-people (things like eating or kissing), to them openly and bravely undergoing a quest to demand that their creator grants their wish of becoming people of flesh, and be recognized as such by the empire they live in... When you read this story, it seems massively obvious that this is a barely-veiled plot for anyone dealing with identity issues and trying to change who they currently are to be true to who they want to be - and more importantly who they feel they have to be. You can't do more trans than that - from the whole "don't tell, keep it hidden" behavior of the awkward friends around you to the secret experiments and roleplayings in the privacy of the bedroom...

In conclusion: Next time someone says Fables is homophobic, point out to them that the comics themselves are not. The main series might not have prominent gay stories or characters, but it has some very strong transgender motifs and characters (accidental or not, they're here, they're queer and people have to deal with it) ; while the spin-offs are bursting with unashamed gay romances and explicit lesbian sex. It is definitively not the greatest franchise when it comes to gay representation, but it cannot be said it isn't a queer comic in its whole.

#fables #fables comic #queerness #gayness #transgender #analysis #queerness in fairytales #transgenderism in fairytales #fables spin offs

[dropintomanga]

Berserk's Continued Popularity and Trauma

I often keep up with what's selling in the manga world, so it's not a surprise that I check out ICv2's Manga Week when the site posts up interviews and insights about the industry. What caught my eye this time was Kentaro Miura's Berserk still being a top-seller and a top manga franchise in the English-speaking side of the world.

How popular is Berserk right now? It was the top manga franchise of Fall 2023 beating out everything that was either Shonen Jump, Junji Ito or Attack on Titan. The Deluxe Editions have sold well for all of 2023, especially the first edition (which contains Volumes 1-3 of the series). It helps that Dark Horse Comics, the North American publisher for the manga, has been promoting the Berserk Deluxe Editions non-stop. Even when they didn't announce anything new at Anime NYC last year, Dark Horse made a huge note about the latest Berserk Deluxe Edition that would come out.

I think it's great that Berserk is getting a lot more attention (especially after Kentaro Miura died) because this is a story about trauma and how we still carry the wounds of it at times.

In my opinion, Berserk is a story about people trying to overcome their own trauma - one caused by interpersonal relations. Ultimately, it's about three people in particular. Guts, the main hero who falls into despair after his experiences in the Golden Age Arc and has to deal with the curse of constantly being hunted by monsters beyond his imagination. Griffith, the antagonist who once had admirable dreams, but fully gives into darkness after going through painful torture and is the main source of Guts' trauma. And Casca, the strong heroine who becomes a victim of Griffith's desires and mentally shattered as a result until recent events in the manga. The connection between all three characters says it all - sometimes, the trauma caused is not from strangers who are "dangerous," but those closest and dearest to us.

Berserk is so relatable because we carry on the weight of whatever personal trauma we experienced without realizing its hold on us until it becomes apparent. The worse thing is we often have a very hard time talking about it.

Around 2021, I heard about a certain book about trauma that took during the COVID pandemic. It was Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. Originally published in 2014, the book blew up for good reason because COVID forced everyone to confront issues kept hidden for a long time. Van der Kolk talks about how horrible people can be to one another and that psychiatry seems to ignore the complexity of trauma when it comes to helping its victims.

Because of the nuance and how long it takes to heal, maybe that's why we can't talk about trauma easily.

Which is why I want to get to this point - I sometimes find it hard to talk about Berserk because of the sexual violence and horror aspects. Yes, fans love to call it the GOAT and/or recommending the manga to other manga/Western comics fans. But I will say I can't exactly recommend Berserk to anyone who's experienced trauma, especially sexual trauma. If they haven't come to terms and/or processed their pain, why would any manga fan shove Berserk in their face? I know there's heavy debate about microagressions and triggers, but just because it's critically-acclaimed doesn't mean it's for everyone.

I will say that the sexual violence in Berserk is used in a way to highlight the brutality of the real world at times. It serves its purpose in the story. Maybe I feel that Berserk is about acknowledging the dark side of life. The world is full of absolute cruelty. And maybe more importantly, you never fully move on. That's the key point. Moments that hurt will stick by you for a long time. People love to shame others for not being able to move on and/or cheer up. They don't know how trauma forces its victims to stay still out of a realistic yet unhelpful fear of certain kinds of people.

But you can still move forward. I'm admired by Guts fighting in the face of despair. He embodies the belief that you probably can never move on from whatever emotional pain you experience and that's okay. At least take the steps to make your own life worth living. It's the best you can do for yourself.

And a good start to moving forward is accepting the bad thoughts. I recently read how positive thinking is pushed so hard to promote better mental health. Some positivity is fine, but there's so much pain in this world that all the wellness industry strategies in the world will never make go away. It is a huge problem when we're told to grit and grind while suppressing our inner-most vulnerabilities.

A lot of people can't handle that kind of vulnerability. Maybe that's why I'm happy that Berserk is being discovered by new fans. Guts is a strong yet so very vulnerable hero. I think it's those vulnerabilities due to his trauma that allow him to gain some very good friends (Puck, Farnese, Serpico, Isidro, and Schierke) along the way who genuinely care about him.

We all want someone to acknowledge our pain and be willing to sit with and stick by us through the neck of it all.

I remember a friend who once told me that when they went to see someone perform, all of their grief and vulnerability was so apparent that they wished that they didn't need to air it out since a lot of people can't handle it. I told them I can handle it and they said that I was built different.

Much like the popularity of Berserk these days and what I hope the series encourages, I want my difference of being able to sit with trauma to be the norm.

#Berserk #manga #anime #mental health #trauma #trauma recovery #Kentaro Miura #Guts #Casca #Griffith

[moregraceful]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

this is such a nice exercise, thank you, i was just getting so ripped up over my wip while also trying to acknowledge that self-loathing wasn't going to make the editing process better in any meaningful way.

in no particular order:

5 Uses For A Parachute You Won’t Find In An Army Field Manual [band of brothers, gen, general]

(but which Major Dick Winters lets slide because it’s good for morale.)

this fic is one of my favorite fics i've ever written, it's so joyful!! but also such a big heart and so much love for the people in it. ah....friendship in a war zone...

And grace will lead us home [baseball rpf, bo bichette/vladimir guerrero jr, general]

Vlad knows only a couple things to be true. God is real, obviously. The sound of a ball hitting a wooden bat is the sound that the universe was made for. He’s in love with Bo.

i was down SO BAD for the bb jays in 2021. and so fascinated by vladdy and bo while knowing negative things about them...they were just always huggin on the bb jays instagram!! so i wrote a fic abt them that very gently plays with religious imagery and the concept of magic. it came together in a way i love so much.

Trust Me [jonas brothers/bandom, gen, teen]

Nick says, "I'm sorry. I was homeschooled."

"Then this will be a very interesting experience for you," says the tall blonde guy. "My name's Bob."

you know when you write something and you're like, this legitimately might be the greatest work i ever write? and you're literally 21? and it's not that it's the greatest thing you've ever written, but you're going through a really gross reality shock in your first two years away from home and so so many things are new and exciting and scary but you're starting to feel so interested in having a future, which you didn't really plan on during high school? the jonas brothers coming of age on warped tour 🤝 me at my shit ass small liberal arts school reading books by living non-white non-american authors

Don’t carry nothing but the righteous and the holy [hockey rpf, jasper weatherby/william eklund, teen]

Jasper Weatherby On William Eklund’s Return to San Jose April 8, 2022 | Sheng Peng, San Jose Hockey Now Jasper Weatherby was all smiles after today’s practice at the SAP Center. The reason? “I’m just excited to have Gecko back.” Jasper Weatherby and William Eklund were fast friends at the start of the 2021-2022 season. Weatherby and Eklund, who had been roommates throughout rookie camp and remained road roommates and hotelmates, had bonded over the unique experience of living in the Bay Area...

this fic literally exists outside the space-time continuum. like you have to read it as an artifact of its time (no cuda fandom, very small sharks fandom, william eklund a just-hatched baby bird with no feathers) for it to even be salvageable as a fanfic, but there like. WAS no time, there was only me, my growing jasper weatherby feelings, and an unexpected 10 day vacation at the end of the year. i love it so much and would write it completely differently if i wrote it now. so i'm very glad i wrote it when i did, because it just has so much love and is so hopeful and so chaotic.

Every year with you is better than the last [hockey rpf, devon toews/cale makar, explicit]

“Ah, it’s fine,” says Cale. “You don’t have to buy me anything.” “I want to,” says Devon, and once he says it, he realizes he really does. He doesn’t get a chance to give Cale presents often, because Cale makes more money than him and rarely asks for anything. Birthdays are hell with this guy. Something little goes a long way.

i actually don't even reread this regularly bc i get so mad about the process i went through while posting it, but it IS one of my favorite things that i've ever written. i really wanted to try to write a friends with benefits fic where they aren't In Love-in love and they stay friends only but are deeply committed to caring for each other. and i think i did that pretty well tbh. it came together how i wanted it to. though i sometimes think about the hypothetical future of cale and devon in the fic and get kind of sad. like, is there a future for them where they remain the same or does cale eventually fall for devon and the peace between them gets wrecked or does devon get traded and cale's little heart cracks without him, or. you know like what happens to cale, basically, i don't know. i'm not writing a sequel but i think about their future from cale's pov quite often

thank you for sending this, i really appreciate it!!!

#cage replies #unfortunate birdcage fanfictions #anon

[thenationaltreasuregazette]

ND for NT? Neurodivergence in National Treasure

(Ben Gates Edition)

Previously, we discussed what the casting of Nicolas Cage brought to the role of Ben Gates, namely

age

a different relationship with attractiveness, and

Weirdness™

But for a lot of fans, Cage’s performance brings something else to the character as well: autism.

I have to admit, though I am no stranger to bestowing neurodivergent headcanons on my favorite media, National Treasure never caught my eye as a potential subject.

However, y’all have spoken.

So let’s explore this!

Because it seems relevant before we dig in, I am an official member of the Squirrel Gang (ADHD) but I’m probably not autistic. I did have a “what’s the difference/do I have both?” phase, so I’m a bit familiar with the criteria, how masking affects diagnosis etc. I’ll do my best to be faithful to your experience.

Okay.

While official diagnosis is definitely not everything when it comes to neurodivergence, we’ll start with the DSM-5 criteria for autism so we have a common framework to reference from.

I thought these two sites had particularly good breakdowns, one in table form and one in infographic and prose form.

Basically, there are two main diagnostic ‘buckets.’ Group A is about “Persistent differences in communication” and consists of three subcategories. All three must be present for diagnosis. Group B is about repetitive behaviors and interests, and two of the four subcategories are required for diagnosis.

Parts C-E are more of a check after A and B are met, so we’ll deal with those last.

I’ll also be adopting the convention of changing the DSM’s language of “deficits” to “differences” throughout, because fuck that.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN GATES

A1. “Differences in social-emotional reciprocity.”

In adults this can look like “difficulty initiating or sustaining back and forth conversation; tendency to monologue without attending to listener cues; unusual response to greetings or other social conventions.”

Ben certainly does have a few unusual responses to conversation. When he meets Abigail for the first time, he’s on a very serious mission (his last chance to save the Declaration of Independence without committing a felony) but the first words out of his mouth are about her accent. Then at the end of that conversation, once he realizes she’s not going to engage with him on the topic anymore, he jumps up to end the conversation quickly and awkwardly, only reengaging with her when he brings up the GW buttons again. Ben offers no small talk that is not related to American History.

During the gala, he doesn’t seem to realize that Abigail and Stan are weirded out by his toast to high treason and enthusiasm for entrail-based punishments.

After he and Riley rescue Abigail from the catering truck, he asks her “Are you hungry?” This reads to me as an attempt to startle her out of her shock long enough to get an answer to his actual question (“Are you alright?”), but still.

And Ben Gates doesn’t not have a tendency to monologue. This is especially apparent in Book of Secrets, where he consistently talks over Abigail and Riley without listening to them. Though, as always, I do not think BoS was well-written or particularly in-character, so I treat it as canon only when it suits me.

A2. “Differences in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction”

This section is about difficulty understanding non-verbal social cues, tendency to minimally communicate through facial expression and gesture, dislike of eye contact, and difficulty moderating tone/volume of voice.

Once of the main points of evidence of this is that fact that Ben seemingly did not have any idea that Ian was a criminal, that Shaw brought a gun on the Charlotte expedition, or that they were going to turn on him at any moment.

Ben Gates is a smart man, but he’s blind to this either because he’s so desperate to find the Charlotte that he’s ignoring any troubling signs, either consciously or subconsciously, and/or he genuinely cannot read them. He might be completely unaware of the power dynamics between Ian, Shaw, and the rest of the crew, with are portrayed via tone and body language throughout the film.

Ian and Ben also agree that Ben cannot bluff. While he does manage to fool Ian at the end of the film, both other times when Ian brings up bluffing—on the Charlotte and in front of Trinity Church—Ben looks like a deer caught in the headlights.

When he gets the instructions to jump off the Intrepid, Ben doesn’t have to fool anyone, because the agents are too far away to see what he’s doing and he straight-up tells Sadusky what he’s going to do.

Headcanon alert: We know Ben has played poker with Ian. While you could certainly believe that Ian and the gang were play low-stakes cards sometimes to entertain themselves, I absolutely prefer to believe that Ben was running out of resources for the search and found his way into a back room poker game in a desperate bid to buy himself a little more time. At first, Ian saw a mark he could swindle out of his last few hundred dollars, but as Ben kept going on about this treasure and a girl named Charlotte, he got a much more lucrative idea.

In the tone of voice category, we have the exquisitely delivered “Rheallhy?” Ben also has a tendency to mumble to himself, as when Sadusky is playing with the glasses and he says,

BEN There’s more to it.

It’s hard for me to tell how Ben does as far as eye contact goes, but what’s very clear is that the time he does purposefully make extended eye contact it’s awkward as shit.

A3. "Differences in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships"

This is the part where I just copy + paste the Nic Cage and the Art of Weirdness article to answer this prompt.

As a recap, we looked at the version of Ben presented in the 2003 script (just before Cage signed onto the movie) and the final character, and noted how Ben became less social and more isolated in the final film. References to previous girlfriends and an ongoing friendship with Riley are gone, as is the landlady whom he’s friendly with, etc. The film version of Ben Gates is someone who doesn’t seem to be particularly close to anyone, other than the people he needs for the treasure hunt (Ian and Riley).

So there’s some plausible evidence in all three subcategories of Group A. Let’s move on to Group B! (Remember, we only need 2/4 here.)

B1. “Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech”

Ben does not strike me as a particularly stimmy person. Unless he’s doing actions directly related to the treasure hunt, he’s often framed as the still, stable center while Riley bounces around him.

(In these scenes, this blocking represents Ben’s resolve and the peace he’s made with his decision to steal the Declaration, versus Riley’s reticence and need to find another way out.)

He does do this thing, where he circles a finger over his temple,

which I adore because he’s being so intense and patiently righteous about it, but without other similar examples, I wouldn’t call this more than neurotypical levels of stimming.

B2. “Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior”

We meet Ben Gates during the two wildest weeks of his life, and he doesn’t seem to be clinging to a set routine. We get so few glimpses of his regular daily life that it’s hard to support.

B3. “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus”

Do I even have to answer this one?

Boy hears story.

Boy spends next 30 years obsessively pursuing story.

Boy steals Declaration of Independence to prove story is true.

My guess is that it’s Ben’s lifelong fixation on the treasure and American history what gets people looking at whether he’s ND in the first place. Lmk if it was something else for you though!

B4. “Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment”

I don’t know that I would have considered this outside of the scope of this topic, but yeah, I could see a case for Ben being hyposensitive. He stabs his thumb on the Charlotte like it’s a pretty easy and normal thing to do. It’s Riley who really flinches, not Ben.

When he jumps off of the Intrepid, he doesn’t seem sore or cold afterward. Yes, the henchmen bring him dry clothes, but he doesn’t seem physically phased by such a dramatic stunt.

So we can meet the two out of four requirement here as well.

Groups C-E

These groups can be asked as three questions:

C. Were the symptoms present in early development?

We only see young Ben for a few minutes, but when we do he is already interested enough in the treasure to sneak into the attic to learn about it, and we know he gets obsessed with the legend that night and never lets it go.

Without additional information, we can say yes.

D. Do the symptoms cause clinically significant impairment?

While none of what we’re discussing here seems to impair Ben’s treasure hunting ability, I do think it’s be easy to make a case that this globetrotting treasure hunter gig is one of the only ones he’s well suited for. If Ben were forced to work an office job, for instance, I do not see him succeeding in that environment. I don’t know that he’d get the hierarchy, why he can’t just do what he wants, when he wants, that not everyone is driven by a greater purpose larger than themselves, etc.

So sure, check that off.

E. Are these disturbances not better explained by intellectual disability?

No. This seems self explanatory.

Congratulations! Benjamin Franklin Gates is fully diagnosable with autism if you so wish!

But what if you don’t wish?

Caveats and such

Well, first of all, you’re allowed to see fictional characters however you want to. The Ben Gates you have in your head is ever so slightly different from the one I have in mine, and the one another reader has in theirs. If it’s important to you that he’s autistic, or allistic, or whatever, then he is.

And there’s a big asterisk I have to put on this assessment. Well, actually 2.

One, I am not a trained professional, and fictional character Ben Gates was not here to answer these questions himself.

Two, there’s a caveat to all of this analysis, a loophole, and I already brought it up:

We only see Ben Gates during the two weirdest weeks of his life.

So yes, could he struggle with eye contact and reading social cues and that’s why he’s so unhinged during the toast? Absolutely.

But he’s also like, a would-be history professor about to commit a major crime with one week of preparation. He’s not the slick professional we’re used to seeing in heist movies like Ocean’s Eleven, nor is he a highly trained Bond-style hero who’s ready for anything. He’s a regular (ish) person about to do something he can never take back. How is he supposed to be “normal” in that situation? What does that even look like?

The only food we see him eat is a microwaved Stouffer’s lasagna. Is that because he relies on the predictable taste and texture of processed foods, or because he’s been planning a heist all week and doesn’t have time for anything else? You decide!

Is he hyposensitive to pain, or is he just an action-adventure protagonist who’s expected to action-adventure without getting a scratch until the plot demands otherwise? He could be both!

Conclusion

Personally, while I like this reading of the character, I’m not sure I consider it ‘basically canon’ the way I do some other ND headcanons, in large part because we spend so little down time with Ben. I have no idea what his regular life is like.

I was looking through my favorite/personal ND headcanons, and most of them are from TV shows rather than movies. I think that’s precisely because long-term behavior patterns are so much more apparent in people you spend weeks or years with.

However, as a matter of fic and headcanon, I love this! Because there you can spend as much time with Ben as you want to. It opens up so many opportunities to add my very favorite thing in fictional narratives: texture.

Did Ben truly have no idea what Ian was capable of?

Does all this adventuring make his samefoods hard to come by?

Does he hate the feeling of wet clothing, because hoo boy, he is having a Bad Time™ in Book of Secrets.

Is a tiny part of what keeps him pursuing the treasure the knowledge that he can’t function very well in any world except the one he’s created for himself?

So many possibilities!

What did I miss?

What are some of your favorite autistic Ben moments and headcanons?

Next time, Abigail!

#the national treasure gazette #national treasure meta #ben gates

[jimintomystery]

Makoto headcanons

[Above: Uh, yeah, that's probably fine]

Originally I found Makoto to be an extraordinarily bland protagonist, which made him seem a bit two-dimensional. Eventually, though, I got a handle on the character, and saw at least some potential for depth...

We learn very little about Makoto in Trigger Happy Havoc, other than what he learns about himself from the experience. He thought he was just some guy, y'know, and then he turned out to be some sort of...non-giving-up...school guy. He's a blank slate compared to his classmates, even Kyoko, who is supposed to be the officially designated blank slate. His most distinguishing feature is the ability to chin up amid the horrors he's witnessed. I think that's taking an unseen toll on him.

When the Tragedy happened, Makoto reassured his friends the crisis would be over soon. It wasn't. When the Killing Game began, he promised Sayaka he would get her out of there. He didn't. By the end of the game, a third of his classmates have murdered another third, and the remaining third seriously considered letting him die to save themselves. When he came up with a plan to rehabilitate the Remnants of Despair without killing them, the Future Foundation branded him a traitor. Said plan almost backfired and nearly doomed himself and his closest friends. In the Final Killing Game, the Future Foundation largely went knives-out on him, and then a mind-control program nearly brainwashed him to kill himself. He doesn't process this stuff, he just puts it on his tab. He's running up a big bill.

I'm not saying all this is going to break Makoto, or that he's on the verge of succumbing to despair, or anything like that. The idea that this can't happen is what makes him interesting--the story won't let him falter or fail, so he just has to endure. He can't cope with his problems except in terms of helping others cope with theirs. In that sense he reminds me of Hajime Hinata, but Hajime is a surgically enhanced ubermensch, so for better or worse he's built to handle such weighty problems. Makoto is just an ordinary man, so it's kind of scary to realize he carries such an epic burden.

If I'm making Makoto sound like Jesus sweating drops of blood over his duty to the world...well, yeah. Personally, I am extremely tired of writers cramming Christ tropes into American superhero stories, so I'm loathe to look for one in Danganronpa, but it's hard for me to avoid it this time. Not that I want Makoto to be crucified and resurrected (any more than he already has been). But I'm intrigued by the idea of a Christ/martyr figure who can't get off the hook by peacing out to heaven.

Anyway, the point is that Makoto avoids his trauma by helping his friends with their problems. Which is ironic considering he spends a lot of time getting Kyoko comfortable with facing her trauma. Kyoko benefits greatly from having someone she can trust and finally open up to, so it doesn't occur to her that Makoto might need the same sort of help, or that he would hide it as well as she does. Overcoming that takes a lot of work, for both of them.

I haven't decided what sort of relationship Makoto and Kyoko had before their memories were wiped, but I tend to think it wasn't romantic. At most they might have had some basic attraction, but neither of them expected anything to come of it, so they paid it no mind. Even during the Killing Game, I don't think Makoto realizes what he's starting to feel. He's just curious about her because she's mysterious, or worried about her because she's missing, that's all. She's cute, but he'd never have a shot with her, so there's no point going there. Meanwhile Kyoko is gradually facing her feelings about him, and getting a little frustrated that he's not making a move. It's not until after they escape that everything hits Makoto all at once.

As Makoto learns more about Kyoko's family, he isn't afraid to call out the bullshit they've put her through. He's willing to believe her father might have had a reason for walking out on her, but that doesn't excuse the harm he caused. He's also not wild about her grandfather pushing her through the family traditions, and (from what I've gathered) exploiting her abandonment issues to hone her emotional discipline. If Fuhito Kirigiri ever meets Makoto, I think there will be a lot of friction there.

#danganronpa #danganronpa thh #danganronpa 1 #makoto naegi #dork squad headcanons

[themculibrary]

Captain America: The First Avenger Masterlist

Blood and Honey (ao3) - Claudia_flies steve/bucky E, 11k

Summary: A growl. It makes Steve’s knees turn into jelly and his body clench again. With dawning horror Steve realizes what is about to happen.

Or: The fight on the bridge doesn’t go as Hydra planned. Gratuitous a/o/b fic.

come home yesterday (ao3) - customrolex bucky/peggy/steve G, 369k

Summary: 'You're gonna be just fine,' Steve said, close enough that Bucky could feel his breath. 'Maybe I'll try to enlist again, join you—'

'Don't kid about that,' Bucky said, even tho he knew Steve wasn't really. He'd tried to enlist once before Bucky had been drafted, and a few times after that. 'Don't do anything stupid until I get back.'

'You're taking all the stupid with you,' Steve grumbled. He straightened Bucky's tie, and kissed him once again. Bucky tried to memorize how it felt; it was over too quickly.

Come On, Be My Baby (ao3) - orphan_account steve/bucky E, 1k

Summary: There was a time where Steve thought he’d been a beta. He just didn’t present. Too sickly to be an alpha by society’s standards and too ill to carry children or deal with heats, his body just didn’t do anything. He didn’t have much of a sex drive, in fact it was near non-existent and to be honest, he was happier that way. If he had been an omega he would’ve been expected to get married off to an alpha and have lots of children, especially because he grew up in the 40’s and rights for omegas were slim. If he’d been an alpha people would have mocked him even more than they already did. So, he was content on being unclassified or as he and everyone else assumed, a beta.

Well, until the serum.

It started with cramps in his lower abdomen and crawled up his back. His chest felt suspiciously full and heavy, it hurt and he was terribly sensitive. There was a strange scent that seemed to follow him around, a sweet smell. One that was usually associated with omegas. It was hard to be around his men, the people in his squad. They were all alphas and his skin felt itchy, not his own. It was like his skin was crawling off. Like he wasn’t – he wasn’t –

Whole.

Follow Up (ao3) - billie_vivienne steve/bucky E, 3k

Summary: Set during Captain America: The First Avenger, Steve bluffs his way off the USO stage and onto the battlefield, saving Bucky. After, they get to spend an intimate night together,

Grateful (ao3) - ALMartin1011 G, 1k

Summary: Steve knows he should be grateful for the gift he was given through Project Rebirth but his new life wasn’t as easy as he expected it to be.

Heirloom (ao3) - TealWren steve/bucky T, 12k

Summary: 5 times Steve Rogers lost himself to Captain America and 1 time Steve Rogers showed everyone who he truly was.

how we are hungry (ao3) - liketheroad steve/bucky M, 18k

Summary: The power of love and all that.

It All Starts Somewhere (fanfiction.net) - FantasytoHeart T, 20k

Summary: Hydra has bases all over Europe and the newly formed Howling Commandos have their work cut out for them. A story about the Commandos as there are not enough of them.

Kind Men (ao3) - quigonejinn steve/bucky, peggy/steve E, 15k

Summary: D/s-ish-verse retelling of Captain America: The First Avenger. When the time comes, Erskine doesn't throw a grenade onto the training ground.

Let’s Hear It For Captain America! (ao3) - Magnetism_bind steve/bucky E, 5k

Summary: A missing scene from Captain America: The First Avenger

Of All The Gin Joints (ao3) - dracusfyre bucky/tony T, 3k

Summary: Bucky feels like he's crashing and burning while Steve is soaring like a goddamn all-American bald eagle or something. But as Steve walks off with Agent Carter and leaves Bucky to drink alone, a mysterious stranger decides he wants to kiss him and make it all better.

Our Names in Blood (ao3) - OhCaptainMyCaptain steve/bucky E, 29k

Summary: The super soldier experiment results in Steve becoming a lethal killing machine. Isolated, alone, and terrified, Steve finds his way to Europe where he learns Bucky's been taken by Hydra. When he finds him strapped to a metal slab and moments from death, Steve faces the choice: either let his childhood best friend - and the love of his life - die, or turn him and condemn his soul.

The First Avenger (ao3) - shestepsintotheriver steve/bucky M, 73k

Summary: "Steve Rogers neither begins nor ends with Captain America. Before all that, before the fame and the horror and the loss, Steve is just another hungry kid from Brooklyn. Braver than most—or more bull-headed, depending on who you ask—but pretty average. Discounting the bad heart, the bad lungs, the bad temper, or at least that’s what Bucky always says when Steve does something really stupid, but he'll always add ‘the best guy I ever known’ at the end of the list."

The story of the First Avenger with almost all the bits from the movie, then several additions to canon.

The Guest (ao3) - orphan_account steve/darcy, jane/thor, bucky/sam M, 113k

Summary: “Darcy…?”

Her focus snapped back to Steve, fear now dominating her face. “Steve, I’m going to ask you something and it’s probably going to be…strange.”

He nodded, already having an idea as to what she may be getting ready to ask.

“When, am I?”

“It’s September 30th, 1942.”

Darcy hung her head, hiding her face from him and Steve as her shoulders shook. It was only a couple of moments later that she righted herself, hiding her shock and heartbreak behind a wry expression.

“Well, fuck me sideways. I’m not really sure how to go forward from here.”

there's nothing left of you (ao3) - notallbees steve/bucky, peggy/steve, bucky/omc E, 22k

Summary: Bucky’s having a hard time reconciling Captain America with the friend he left behind in Brooklyn. It’s bad enough that every time he closes his eyes he sees the inside of a torture chamber. Now, every time he opens them again, he sees a stranger with Steve Rogers’ eyes and smile.

The Way You Say My Name (ao3) - OhCaptainMyCaptain steve/bucky E, 10k

Summary: “Oh God… Oh… Buck…”

Steve says his name differently the moment Bucky gets his mouth on him. Breathless… Desperate… Bucky’s heard his name by moaned, be gasped, be screamed - in a number of different voices, by a number of different people. But none of them say his name the way Steve does.

Steve whimpers. He’s always been that way. Maybe it’s due to the fear of getting caught, or maybe that’s just how he is in general... If they could truly be alone, if there was no one around to risk hearing them, or catching them, or outing them… If Steve had the freedom to be as loud or as quiet as he wanted to be; could choose it… How would he say Bucky’s name? Would it come out like a sob, or a prayer, or maybe still a secret? Would it awaken the Heavens with its volume, or be whispered just for Bucky’s ears? Would Steve look him in the eyes while his lips formed around the syllables? Or would they roll up into his head without control?

Bucky wishes he knew. That he could know. But since it’s not an option, he’ll always just be grateful for being able to hear Steve say his name like this in general – and when Steve whimpers it, that’s the way Bucky likes best.

This Is My Last Breath (ao3) - FlyByNightGirl steve/bucky N/R, 731k

Summary:

☆ War stories, laughter, dances, disasters, stars. Family, fall out boy, falling, nightmares and two broken hearts.

(There's a double love story about two boys with 70 missing years in between - somehow Sergeant James Barnes became The Winter Soldier, and this is how.)

Truth, Justice, and the Cheating Cheater Way (ao3) - owlet peggy/steve T, 4k

Summary: Don't play cards with Captain America. Just don't. Especially if you've pissed him off recently.

#themculibrary #mcu #marvel #captain america: the first avenger #captain america: the first avenger masterlist #masterlists #steve rogers #bucky barnes #peggy carter

[tallmantall]

#988 #988SuicideandCrisisLifeline #AmericanFoundationforSuicidePrevention #Americans #Anxiety #CDC #CelebratingYourGiftofLife #CenterForDiseaseControlandPrevention #Depression #JamesDonaldson #JamesDonaldsonMentalHealth #JamesDonaldsononMentalHealth #MentalChallenges #MentalHealth #MentalHealthProfessionals #MentalHealthStigma #MentalIllness #MentalIssues #NAMI #NationalAllianceonMentalIllness #Stigma #Stress #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #UnitedStates #YourGiftofLife #YourGiftofLife.org #YourGiftofLifeFoundation

[multiplekittens]

Hello. I think occasionally I will do an embarrassingly earnest long post about my reflections on whatever media I'm currently thinking about. I'll tag them with #long poast so you can mute it if you want. I'll also put most of it under a read more.

This one will be tangentially about Bocchi the Rock, but it's mostly a personal essay that uses Bocchi as a jumping off point. I'll be talking about a character who shows up late, and I think you'll be fine if you want to read but don't know shit about the character. If you want to avoid spoilers at all costs, I wouldn't read, but otherwise I think you're probably fine. I'm also gonna talk about homophobia/transphobia in the US (specifically about the "groomer" conservative trend and accompanying legislation), so be aware of that too.

I finished Bocchi the Rock months ago and while in general it was very much a "she's just like me fr" experience (like it is for a lot of people) I literally cannot stop thinking about Bocchi and Kikuri's friendship. I remember watching the second-to-last episode and seeing how Kikuri was supporting and teaching Bocchi and just treating her like a regular person, despite the fact that it was clear Bocchi was working through Issues, and just starting to cry. Even though it was not supposed to be a particularly emotionally resonant scene, it was just such a good example of how important friendships between non-related adults and kids could be, and I couldn't help but think about how that concept is being litigated to hell in the US right now.

I don't think I really need to explain on Tumblr to my 100% American followers what's happening right now, but just in case I'll summarize a bit. The current conservative push to call trans and gay people "groomers" for being around children at all while not lying about their identity is obviously extremely harmful for gay and trans people, but I also think that the accompanying stigmatization and criminalization of any non-related adult having any sort of friendship with a child is also going to be incredibly harmful to children, as well. You can see this with how teachers and librarians (not even gay and trans ones!) are treated -- those are the two positions where it's most socially acceptable for adults to interact with children regularly, and they're being accused of "brainwashing" kids just for providing them with books.

I'm worried about how this is going to affect kids, because I've been on both sides of relationships like that and I've seen how important they are. I used to tutor math in a rural southern town, and when I moved across states to where I live now so that I could finally come out as a nonbinary lesbian, I remember having to break the news to all my students that I wouldn't be teaching them anymore. I remember one fourth-grader I tutored who really only needed someone to tell her she could do math begging me not to move so I could stay and tutor her. I remember her asking for a hug after our last session, and I constantly think about what her parents would have to say about me giving it if I hadn't been closeted. I also wonder what would have happened if I went through this process just a couple years later.

Of course, I've been the child too; I remember seventh grade, when I first moved to an entire new state into a tiny K-12 school where everyone knew each other already. My twin and I started doing plays and made friends with two high school seniors, Mae and Tsuki (not their real names). Despite the fact that we were young, extremely awkward, and anxious, they were always extremely kind to us, letting us sit next to them on busses during Science Olympiad trips, exchanging emails (!), and generally letting us hang out with them even though I'm sure we were annoying, cringy, and just generally seventh graders.

Looking back, I realize they probably didn't have a great time in that school either. They were the only furries in the entire school, and at least one of them came out as bi after school was over. I'm almost certain the average adult would not have approved of our friendship, but out of everyone at that school they were the only people I ever knew who were actively encouraging of our interests; one of them even got me a piece of original film from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, a gift I still treasure and have to this day, over a decade later. (I would go on to be bullied and othered over my love of star trek, sci-fi, and not stereotypically "girly" things for the rest of my time at that school). They made an otherwise very rocky year much more bearable, and helped me to feel that maybe I was someone who people would like to be around when I really needed that. I think there's next to no chance they could read this and I have no way to contact them, but I hope they're doing well now and I wish I could let them know how much their friendship meant to me, even now.

I think that friendship is why the relationship between Kukiri and Bocchi resonated so much with me, and why I'm heartbroken about the US trying to litigate those relationships away. While Kukiri isn't explicitly queer, a) come on of course she is and b) she's definitely not what an adult would call a "good influence." She's constantly drunk around Bocchi, sometimes offers her alcohol, takes Bocchi's money so she can buy more alcohol, and teaches her how to illegally busk. But at the same time, I know firsthand how much a "cool" adult (or nearly-adult, in my case) taking you under their wing can mean, and how much it can help low self-esteem for someone like that to believe in you when you can't even begin to believe in yourself. If US conservatives have their way, then experiences like these will disappear for good. For everyone's sake, I truly hope they don't succeed.

#bocchi the rock! #original poast #long poast #homophobia #transphobia #rb's are ok

[tendiaries]

all i want for christmas is you

what is the purpose of concerts? i ask the crowd in a seinfield-esque way and wait for the feedback of a couple chuckles before continuing.

no, because, you pay a lot of money, stand somewhere for hours while deafening loud song plays and you see a handful of people on a platform. just people, normal people. and that's it. the crowd hopefully laughs a bit on this part, but probably not, as this is not very funny for reasons of it not being a joke.

there's a chance you're gonna be going through the experience surrounded by people you've picked fights with on twitter. most of them are complete strangers, just standing there with you looking at the same people. and realizing they're just people. and then it's over. nothing changes.

this is the bottom line of the mental gymnastics i've been using as an exercise routine ever since the end of 2019. it's gone through a few revisions and ended up here, and i think there's not much else we could improve on. this is, after all, me rationalizing concerts to the point of rendering them meaningless.

concerts are meaningless. that's what i keep trying to tell myself, unconvinced, but something's gotta give at some point.

i recognize that as far as being in countries that are not part of the "world" where "world tours" take place, i'm pretty lucky. i'm in the only country where we know for certain people stop by when they're touring this otherworldly continent (if they plan on performing a full concert, and not 5 songs in a festival that proceeds to get cancelled). and i'm in the only state where we know for certain people stop by when they come over to this country far removed from the world they tour. not the same city, but i can save up my 15 dollars for the trip, and i'm in a place where i can save 15 dollars. lucky

i remember pretty clearly in 2019 when the dates started being released, one new date every day, and how hopeful i was that i'd get the announcement i wanted. except one day, after the united states and europe were packed full, there was no new post. but that's ok! they do second legs of tours! so it's fine. it's tour > comeback > second leg, and chances are, if they're touring outside of the world, with the size of this country the odds are in your favor! and then that tour was postponed for two years.

they announce concerts in their country and i look up flight tickets. it's not unaffordable, but would put a strain on my finances for a while (this country is not part of the world so the conversion between world and non-world currencies is not great), but it's manageable. the problem is that we're not sure it's safe, if it's gonna get cancelled last minute, if the countries are gonna lock down again. but things are looking up so there'll definitely be a second leg announced now!

on the week of the LA concerts i mute "coming back", which i believe i still have muted to this day. i don't really check through my list of 60 muted words related to concerts (it works fairly well!). i found it a little hard to believe that there was going to be another world world tour announced before non-world got anything. for my well being (since the exercise hadn't reached its final form) i decided it was for a festival or two and for north-american promotions. it was not

the end of 2021 was particularly harsh in that regard. people were. honestly. insane. and insufferable about seeing the tour after two years. all of the concerts had streams on twitter, and people who lived in the world world were happy. i considered leaving. it was better than seeing people who had so much i wanted complain about the minor inconveniences of what they had. it's a difficult equation to make. i once heard someone say that there was a study somewhere that diminishing your annoyance improves your life more than augmenting your happiness, so according to this, leaving a thing i loved but hurt me was better than staying for the happiness it provided. i stayed then because i'm stubborn, a little stupid, and because those people who are just people who stand on platforms whom i've come to love cannot possibly improve my life by being removed from it. with them i would in one way or another let go of other people who i see on the same ground level as me, though the ground they stand on is notoriously part of the world and mine is not (this analogy sounds very self-victimizing but i just thought it was so funny and now i'm too invested in it to stop)

from the beginning of 2022 i thought that maybe if i could be In the world at the same time as the higher-ground-level people i'd be restricted on twitter a few less times (it's three so far! they were all because of this whole thing!). so some things were put in motion, but you see, i've never been In the world, which makes everything a bit harder. the main character of the world and a lot of its minor players are not very interested in letting non-world people get in, lest they enjoy too much the possibility of not being crushed by them economically and i guess spiritually and decide to stay a while. it's good thinking!! a lot of them would! a lot of them do! but to ask to just go for a quick visit and come back it demands a lot of time (which i didn't know about and therefore didn't have enough of) and a lot of money (which i don't have a lot of, but knew about). i did have a ticket to be ground level (pretty good ground level!) to see the higher-ground-level people. i know my luck well enough to never have really trusted this would lead me to being In the world at the same time as the people i wanted to see on the platforms blasting sounds that would make my tinnitus worse for a day or two, so although there was some upset it was manageable.

when i got that golden ticket i told a handful of people, a bit embarrassed of the fact that it seemed reckless to an extent, the ticket itself was almost a month's salary, not to mention transportation and all the other little things you need to stay alive and healthy and safe both in the world and outside. i also feel like the world people have no idea how it feels like, so i don't feel like the expense to see normal people, absolutely fucking normal people, for two hours standing on the platform, seems justifiable to them. i really don't know, but i've also come to realize recently that i have a tendency to think the worst of people, which i'm trying to change. to half of them i never told that it fell through, but i guess they picked up on it anyway.

the thing about the golden ticket is that i had admission for one, for one day. but when i saw other normal people getting their tickets, no one seemed happy with anything they got. some wanted seats from where they could see the platform better, some wanted to wave at the platform people from ground level but behind a glass panel (spooky). that doesn't help make concerts make any more sense. if everyone is unhappy doing something you'd spend a significant portion of your yearly earnings to do while paying only an insignificant fraction of it, it starts to seem pointless. most of the people i know had enough admission tickets in total in 2022 to compose anywhere from 1 to 3% days spent with normal people worsening their earsight from the platform

statistically, every time non-world is not part of the world in "world tour", the chances of it being part of it soon go up by a little bit (again, i'm lucky that i'm in a very likely spot amongst the unlikely), but it's the bus paradox a little bit. actually it has nothing to do with the bus paradox. you just wait because there's nothing else to do (although you did check the flight prices for many places that are not punishing you for living in the non-world by preventing you from visiting it, and you did consider taking a loan that's roughly enough to buy a brand new car just so you could've gone somewhere and watched something and you deeply regret not doing it in hindsight. which is a bit crazy)

so now they're leaving the main character of the world soon, but not before announcing the supporting cast will also be graced with the presence of these normal people. and that's fine because everyone knew it, and i did the equation again only recently, before the first world had its tour, and decided to stay once again. ah! that's the bus paradox. that i could leave now because there's nothing happening and then there'll be less annoyance, or i can wait a bit longer and take the bus i've craved for three years, which has the most comfortable seats, the best route, and all of the people on board give you a sense of belonging because they're all going to exactly the same place as you, for their slightly different and not any shallower nor deeper reasons, and they say when you get off this bus something within you might be different for the better (only applicable if ridden few times)

and that's precisely the issue now. that this particular bus has been ridden so many times by everyone around you that riding it once (non-worlders are not lucky enough to have more than one ride available) starts seeming like too little too late. there's something about the thought of people saying they're happy for me because i'm finally gonna have this thing i wanted for so long, when they all had it so many times that they had room to complain about it, that just makes it feel all the more pointless. it's weird to embark on something that is life changing when it's life changing to no one else. it feels like it's too much made out of nothing. so that's where we started, i'm not sure what the bus is for anymore, and i'm embarrassed of the fact that i want to ride it so bad, and that it would mean so much to me, and that i can only ride it once. maybe. if it comes. i'm embarrassed of how i can quote every single person who voiced a complaint about their rides because i ruminated it for so long, as to why they felt that i was the right person they wanted to share it with while seeing me just standing by the bus stop unsure if there even is a line that stops by here

i also had to sit with the thought that maybe i'm a bad person, because of course my friends would be happy for me and they're honest, and of course they wanna share their life with me and i should be grateful. but (and this is not about concerts or buses or people anymore) at some point the frustrations of those who have so little have to be enough justification for not constantly carrying the positivity and good sportsmanship that is demanded of them. that is to say, i'm unfortunately never unaware of the fact of how little i have, and how it softens the impact of all that i can't have because i'm so used to making it into something else, into concerts are pointless, and puts everything that i want on a sort of pedestal.

so i feel i'm not really unreasonable. it's hard to believe in unreasonability when i've had to toy around with this thought so much to find some angle through which i'm not so ugly on the inside

concerts are pointless. that has yet to keep me from looking up flight prices and putting numbers on the annoyance equation

[helenarlett-rex]

Helen’s new gender reveal! (With explanation)

So I came out, again... And it’s like, how many times can I come out before I run out of things to come out about? Although this time it was me originally assuming one thing about myself only to eventually realize I wasn’t quite right. I’ll explain.

For a long time I assumed I was a trans woman. And while I was mostly good with that, I still suffered a lot of dysphoria. I just assumed it was because where I live it’s not really safe, or financially feasible, for me to start HRT. I was convinced that the source of all my dysphoria was simply the lack of HRT and if I could ever get that, it would go away. But then I noticed something... While at work, where I wasn’t quite as out as I am other places... I wouldn’t tell people that I was a trans girl. I live in a rather harsh part of the American south and that’s just not a thing that it’s safe to admit to. I was still very clearly queer but there are levels of queer that are safe to admit to and levels that aren’t. So if asked while at work, instead of identifying as trans, I would lie and say I was non-binary. This way at least I still wasn’t identifying as the gender I was assigned at birth, but I was identifying as something that made people somewhat less angry and uncomfortable around me... for some reason... I’m not sure why these people think “no gender” is better than “wrong gender” in their twisted mindset (and mind you that’s how they think, not how I think. I don’t believe a person can be the “wrong gender” as long as they are being true to themselves.) but that’s just how things are here... And while I would have loved to say, “Fuck you and fuck your gender perceptions!” I also would love to continue keeping a job and not get jumped in the parking lot.

But as I went on identifying as non-binary at work, I came to realize that calling myself that didn’t actually feel wrong... I had told myself that I was lying about it to be the least amount of offensive I could be to these asshats without having to flat out pretend to be cis... but then I realized I somehow felt less dysphoric... And it made me start to wonder if maybe this wasn’t a better fit for me. But of course I was like, no that can’t be right... How can I be non-binary? I’m far too feminine and enjoy being feminine. So I looked into it, and that was when I started reading about demigenders.

Naturally I knew that demigenders existed, but I didn’t personally know anyone who identified as one, (as far as I am aware) so I had never really taken the time to really read up on it. It was sort of like, yeah I know Bolivia exists. Don’t ask me to point it out on the map or tell you what language they speak there or what form of government they have... I went through the American educational system so I have no idea. But I know it’s a real country. So I started reading and as I did I came across these definitions.

And I realized, oh my god, that’s what I’d been feeling! Nothing against being a trans woman, but that just wasn’t fully describing my experience. This was. Kind of female, but also kind of non-binary. And after realizing this, I suddenly feel a hell of a lot less dysphoric than I did before. I mean, I’d still jump at the chance for HRT if I could get it, but I don’t feel nearly as bad off as I did before.

So I’ve come out of the closet again. A closet I didn’t even realize I was in... I’m a Demigirl.

[thebookbin]

The Pink Line: Journeys Across the World's Queer Frontiers

Mark Gevisser

Publisher: Farrar, Straus, and Giroux Genre: queer theory, politics Year: 2020

I just finished The Pink Line: Journeys Across the World's Queer Frontiers by Mark Gevisser, and I am absolutely blown away. I picked this book randomly because I was waiting for Wyatt's recommendation "Gender Madness" to come in from the library.

This book should be essential reading for all queer people, especially people in the US. Gevisser is a white gay South African who set out to find the "pink lines" of queer rights. He starts close to home, following the story of a trans Malawian refugee in South Africa, a gay Ugandan refugee in Nairobi, lesbians in Cairo, a trans woman fighting for custody in Moscow, the trans youth of Michigan, lesbians in Mexico and the communities of kothis in rural India. He talks to a gay Israeli dating a Palestinian, interviews genderqueer Filipinos⁠—the scope of this book is truly remarkable.

This book has such an impactful insight on queerness around the world, and has fundamentally changed me. Although it's not the point of the book, Gevisser really highlighted for me how America and the West is colonizing queer spaces by forcing the LGBT label onto communities that already had indigenous varying gender expressions and how in the African nations, both Christian organizations and western LGBT organizations are each harming the community through their respective agendas.

Gevisser is highly aware of his status as a white man, and although gay, from South Africa where gay marriage has been legal since 2005 (it really blew my mind to discover just how far behind the US is on a lot of these issues), and approaches his work with a level of compassion that I find comforting. He removes himself from the narrative as much as possible, only commenting to reflect on how his own identity might be shading his opinions and experiences, but the way in which he describes the people in this book shows the extent of his care.

Hands down the most important and impactful queer theory book I’ve ever read

~Update~ I really need to sleep but I’m never gonna shut up about this

Also it was published in 2020 and he interviewed them for 5 years so it’s super current. Like 2015-2020

~Update 2~ Jk I’m back my mind is racing

Another really poignant underlying theme for me is that universally, all of the refugees felt one thing: they wanted to go home. They wanted, more than anything, the ability to be themselves in their own culture. The refugees of Canada, the US, the Netherlands, Nigeria, while grateful they were safe, without exception every single one wanted to go home. And it really challenged the narrative for me that people always want to come to the West. I never believed the conservative talking point about people coming to the US to take your job and steal your livelihood but this pushed back on the assumption I didn’t even realize I had that the West was at the forefront of the “pink line” as Gevisser puts it. While the US does take a prominent role in the conversation (he talks about the bathroom bills and sports conversations started in the US around trans youth) and how the LGBT label became de facto in a lot of places because of the prominence of American media, the West is such a non-entity in most of these peoples lives. They don’t want to go anywhere they want to stay where they are and be accepted.

storygraph | bookshop.org | local houston

★★★★★★★★★ essential reading stars. I listened to it but I just bought a copy for my personal library.

#book review #queer theory #queer history #the pink line #mark gevisser #required reading #political science #favorite #profound #reference #author of color #author african #featured #2020 #farrar straus and giroux #queer #nonfiction #macmillan

[iandmydoctorclinic]

Navigating the Immigration Medical Exam in Houston: A Vital Step Towards

Your American Dream

Are you embarking on the journey of immigrating to the United States?

Congratulations on taking this significant step towards a new chapter in your life!

However, amidst the paperwork and preparations, there&#39;s one crucial aspect you

shouldn&#39;t overlook – the immigration medical exam. If you&#39;re in Houston, Texas, and

seeking a seamless experience for your medical examination, look no further than I

AND MY DOCTORS CLINIC.

Embarking on the immigration process can be overwhelming, with countless forms,

requirements, and appointments to manage. However, the immigration medical

exam is a non-negotiable step in your journey. This examination ensures that you

meet the health standards set by the U.S. government for immigrants, safeguarding

public health and ensuring that you can thrive in your new home.

Located conveniently in Houston, I AND MY DOCTORS CLINIC stands as a beacon

of support for immigrants navigating this process. Led by experienced medical

professionals, our clinic provides comprehensive immigration medical exams tailored

to meet the specific requirements outlined by the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration

Services (USCIS).

Here&#39;s why entrusting your immigration medical exam to I AND MY DOCTORS

CLINIC can make all the difference:

1. Expertise and Experience: Our team comprises skilled physicians who are

well-versed in the intricacies of the immigration medical exam process. They

understand the importance of thoroughness and accuracy in completing the

required forms and conducting the necessary medical tests.

2. Comprehensive Services: At our clinic, we offer a wide range of services

necessary for the immigration medical exam, including physical examinations,

vaccinations, tuberculosis (TB) testing, and any additional tests mandated by

USCIS. Our goal is to streamline the process for you, ensuring that all

requirements are met promptly and efficiently.

3. Personalized Care: We understand that the immigration journey can be

daunting, especially when it comes to medical examinations. That&#39;s why we

prioritize personalized care at I AND MY DOCTORS CLINIC. Our

compassionate staff will guide you through each step of the process,

addressing any concerns you may have and ensuring your comfort and

confidence throughout.

4. Convenient Location: Situated in Houston, our clinic offers convenience and

accessibility to individuals and families in the surrounding areas. Whether

you&#39;re a local resident or traveling from afar for your immigration medical

exam, you can rely on us for quality care and convenient service.

5. Efficiency and Timeliness: We recognize the importance of efficiency in the

immigration process. Our clinic is dedicated to providing timely and accurate

medical examinations, helping you meet deadlines and move forward with

your immigration plans without unnecessary delays.

At I AND MY DOCTORS CLINIC, we take pride in being a trusted partner for

individuals and families embarking on their immigration journey. Our commitment to

excellence, compassion, and professionalism sets us apart, ensuring that your

immigration medical exam experience is as smooth and stress-free as possible.

Don&#39;t let the immigration medical exam become a hurdle on your path to realizing

your American dream. Trust the experts at I AND MY DOCTORS CLINIC to guide

you through this essential step with confidence and peace of mind. Contact us today

to schedule your immigration medical exam and take the next step towards a

brighter future in the United States.

[blackhorrorwhiteterror]

Blog Post #2

As a kid I despised rewatching movies. I felt like there was no point since I already knew the plot and the ending. As an adult, I appreciate opportunities to revisit a work in new contexts and with new companions. That is why I am glad that we watched Jordan Peele's US in class. The first time I'd seen it was in a non-academic context with a friend. We were both not fans of horror, and we watched most of the film through the cracks of our fingers. Although we enjoyed the film, we left our viewing experience with more questions than answers. In hindsight I realize that this is the Monkeypaw effect.

Fortunately, I was able to shake my spooks and rewatch this film for class. Watching it for a second time felt quite different. I found myself watching through Red's eyes. No, I did not feel homicidal rage towards Adelaide, but I couldn't help but think of Red as I watched the first act of the film. Adelaide stole the life Red could've (should've) had. 

This is point is especially poignant as a citizen of the American Empire during Israel's war on Gaza. Although Peele intended to address the houseless population, I couldn't help but think of the Palestinians who have been reduced to the same statistics and headlines as that group. My interpretation of the tethered has been expanded through the lens of globalization. During this second watch I began to consider how we are tethered to people all over the globe via our habits as consumers and citizens of the United States of America. 

Though the superpower we belong to has always had an oppressive stronghold on the geopolitical state of the world and has caused carnage time and time again in the name of its god capitalism, being an American feels especially yucky in today's climate. Our participation in the genocidal ambitions of our allied nation-state through acts such as paying taxes that fund the aggressions makes us Adelaides in a sense. Though the actions of governments are not the fault of their citizens, we must admit that we are able to dance as a result of someone else not being able to. And this thought is bone-chillingly unsettling. How do you grapple with knowing that a lot of the privileges you enjoy come at the expense of others? I don't know how to walk away from this feeling smiling the way Adelaide did at the end of the film. 

[tetrisfinished]

CUBA 2023

okay so here we go! cuba 2023 trip recorded here so i don't forget! (or rather, when i do forget, i can come back here and recall :p)

JAN 11TH, 2023 - arrived at the airport at 3:30 am for our 6:15 am flight only to find out it had been pushed an hour. esa didn't sleep since leaving the house until bedtime that night and let me tell ya....sleepy toddlers are even LESS fun than fully well rested toddlers! when we arrived it was around 2:30 pm and check in was actually at 4 pm. but we requested an earlier check in and luckily were able to get a room right away! we had dinner - our first experience with the food. and then basically crashed in bed. i actually ended up going outside and catching a nighttime pool show which was super cool!

JAN 12TH, 2023 - my 32nd birthday! we spent the daytime at the beach! and in the eveninga after we showered and got dressed in non swim clothes, we took a ride on the hop on hop off bus that goes through varadero city. we hopped on but didn't really hop off - that was the extent of our outing - just to see what it was we might be experiencing. it was a nice sunny day and of course we went to the top level and had the wind in our hair. it was perfect. at night we went to the buffet where esa found a cat and fell in love with it. also that was the blessed day that yasir purchased a wicker cuban fedora from a local vendor at the beach. lol after dinner we went to go watch a show in the resort theatre area. prior to the beginning of the show, there was a clown/kids entertainer on stage. and of course esa found his opportunity and ran on stage to start uninvited dancing alongside him l o l. that was probably the highlight of my night. but we couldn't stay for long because esa was super tired and fussy when we forced him off stage so we went back to the room and called it a night around 9:30-ish.

JAN 13TH, 2023 - we took a tour in a classic american car with a company called authentic cuban tours to havana! we drove over bacunayagua bridge and saw a glimpse of the gorgeous yumuri valley. we went to old havana and new havana and saw the forts and the statue of jesus christ. we had lunch at a seafood restaurant that was so cool - it was the back of a really homely looking building (because we later found out it was actually a row of just people's homes!). it was such a gorgeous day that ended (as we were on our way back) with a cuban rain that brought about some chilly weather and wild atlantic waves for the next couple of days. when we got back to the resort, we had showers and then dinner. and then basically crashed in bed.

JAN 14TH, 2023 - this was a suuuuuper chill day! we didn't honestly do much and in the middle of the day (right after lunch) we went back to our room and took a roughly 3 hour long nap! earlier in the day, we went to the beach only to just come right back. the beach was empty (ie no one in the water) and the waves were nuts - courtesy of the previous day's storm. that night we had our first of 3 reservations at one of the in-resort restaurants. it was called la romantico - the gourmand restaurant. which was basically "continental" food. i enjoyed it! but by now i had also really started to enjoy the buffets since i figured out what i liked and what i didn't and i stuck to those specific items.

JAN 15TH, 2023 - in the morning we decided we would go back on the hop on hop off to varadero. except this time actually hop off lol so we got to the bus stop and realized the line was super long and nuts and since we had a stroller with us - we decided to wait for the next bus that came along. as it happens, another couple decided the same and when we were waiting we started talking. the other couple suggested we split a cab and when we split it ended up costing the exact same as the bus so we decided to do it! it was super convenient. when we got to varadero, we were dropped off at a scenic viewpoint and then we sort of walked around - saw the varadero street market and that was unfortunately all we could really get done. esa was going nuts running around on the sidewalks and occasionally on the roads so we called it and went back to the resort. as we were walking along trying to find the bus stop, the same cab driver who dropped us there found us and we ended up just going back to the resort with him. shukar alhumdulillah for the ways that Allah can make things work out for you. when we got back to the resort, again we showered and then i put esa down for a little nap. while he and yasir were napping, i went outside and sat by the beach and read my book under the sun. it was gorgeous and peaceful and courtesy of the cold-ish front from the storm a couple days ago it was still very quiet and calm (crowd-wise anyway lol). that night we had our reservation at the japanese restaurant and so we went to dinner and it was tepenyaki. it was really good food and i thoroughly enjoyed it! afterwards we went to the lobby where there was live music happening and esa had the time of his life dancing along. it was adorable.

JAN 16TH, 2023 - on this day we booked our tour of the caribbean. we took a 2.5 hour bus ride with other folks and a tour guide down to the south of the province matanzas and first went to the open air crocodile sanctuary. yepp, you read that right. we saw live crocodies from baby to adulthood stage and my goodness these animals are TERRIFYING. while we were there someone even tried feeding them. like goodness, i think my heart leapt into my mouth as i saw a crocodile leap up to catch the piece of meat. anyway, after that we got back on the bus and headed to a place called point perdiz (point paradise...that name could not be more justified!). we got to this park area where there was a beach and we went into caribbean (gulf of mexico) water (NOT the atlantic as was what we had experienced at the resort). and my goodness that water and the temperature were PERFECT. we got some snorkeling equipment but didn't actually end up snorkeling. but the water was sooooo clear and absolutely gorgeous that we could SEE the fish inside. i was too scared to go to far even though the depth of the water wasn't huge, but i wish i had. it was such a pleasurable swim. that was also the day yasir got one of his signature headaches and that's just a fun experience for us all. the ratio of 2 adults to 1 toddler becomes 1 adult to 2 toddlers and it is ZERO FUN for the 1 adult. anyway over there we had lunch, it was also delicious. then we got back in the bus and headed back to the crocodile sanctuary where we waited for our boat to take us to the island guamo. the island used to be a resort however after a couple major storms hit and broke it apart, it ended up becoming more of a tourist destination as a museum to show the history of the native people of cuba. the natives (whose name i am now going to butcher) called the teines. i'm not even going to google this because i'm pretty sure i'm so wrong in my recollection that google won't even recognize what i'm looking for. after the tour of that island, we went back on the bus and came back to the hotel. we of course took our showers and went to dinner and then came back and crashed in our room.

JAN 17TH, 2023 - this was our last day of sorts because our flight back home was the next morning early in the morning and so we would have no time actually on the resort itself to chill. so in the morning after breakfast we went down to the beach and decided to do the small little resort catamaran trip. it. was. perfect. i went into the water, esa went into the water. they bring bread and then throw it in the water and SO MANY fish crowd around! it was such a fun morning i THOROUGHLY enjoyed myself. afterwards we went back to the room and of course showered and got ready. and then we had our last reservation for the trip - again at the japanese restaurant and again the food was great! came back to the room and packed up as much as i could except the last few things i would still be using the following day and then went to bed.

JAN 18TH, 2023 - sunwing once again crapped on us and delayed our flight by an hour. but we still caught the bus at the regular time to go to the airport. we checked in our bags and had some overpriced breakfast at the airport. then we chilled for a little while and got in to the flight. the flight was fine up until the end when this one couple sitting in front of us TOTALLY killed our buzz. but i truly and honestly do not want to discuss that right now. so i'm going to end my cuba post here.

maybe tomorrow i'll come back and tell you the story of the assholes on the airplane. but for now i want to end on such a good note. cuba is not a country of abundance. their regime is strict and is not fair to their citizens and the fact that we as outsiders can go and enjoy the country and the food and the sights and the experiences - there really isn't much i can say that's as all encompassing as the words Shukar Alhumdulillah. Shukar Alhumdulillah that we have been given this privilege - we do not know why and we are certainly not deserving but we give thanks always and regardless because while there are so many with more, there are even more with less and we always always should be grateful.

that's all i want to say for now. it was a wonderful trip! coming back to the cold - i definitely want to go back. but overall, such a wonderful week and i especially appreciated past komal because while we returned back home on a wednesday, i had the foresight when i was booking my vacation time to book off thursday and friday also. and that was a good thing.

i have finally understood the value in taking the vacation from the vacation lol got a shit ton of laundry done these past few days!

now i'm energized and ready(ish) to go back to work tomorrow! and that's all for now!

goodnight lovely tumblr-verse.

-k