#i cant cope with this drifting at all | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thelov3lybookworm · 2 months

Text

My Fault (part 3)

Part 1 Part 2

Summary: Starting over.

•○●⛦●○•

A/n: Lol i just know half of you all gonna hate me for this, but this is the only way i could think of that would be good. I dont think making her end up with someone ese would have helped, so if you dont want her to end up with cass, then please dont read this.

also, why does sarah not tell us how people who cant winnow travel??? 😭😭😭

anyways, enjoy!

•○🌑○•

Nina's excitement was palpable as Y/n slowly inserted the key into the front door of the home she shared with her husband, trying not to make too much noise in case he was in there, probably sleeping.

It was no use though, Y/n found out once she entered and ran up to her bedroom. Nina had just plopped down unceremoniously on the couch, telling Y/n to hurry up.

The moment Y/n pushed open the closed door to her and Cassian's bedroom -which she was sure was open when she left- she was hit with the strong scent of her husband.

Y/n froze on the threshold, staring wide eyed at her husband, who was on his knees in the middle of the room, fat tears rolling down his face.

He looked up, his eyes containing a world of pain and sadness and guilt and too may emotions that Y/n could not categorise them all.

"Cass?" Y/n mumbled, daring to take a step towards him. He released an anguished cry and launched forward, a dull thud echoing in his wake.

Cassian wrapped himself around Y/n's legs, sobbing into her abdomen. Y/n stared at the top of his head with furrowed brows, then rose her eyes to where he had been kneeling previously.

There, she found a worn diary lying on the wooden floor, left haphazardly. Y/n's blood chilled.

It was her diary.

Y/n usually hid it in her drawer, but she had been writing in it before she left to get coffee with Nina and everything went south.

Cassian had been gone more and more in the recent months, and to cope with all the sadness and need, Y/n began jotting down all that she felt in her empty diary.

And now he had read it all.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Y/n was still frozen when she realised that her blouse was sticking to her skin because of his tears. "Tell you what?"

"Everything. Why did you not tell me how much you'd been hurting? Why did you not tell me that I'd been a shitty husband?"

Y/n watched his shoulder shake with every violent sob that ripped out of his chest, numbness spreading through her. "You were never around long enough for me to say anything."

He sobbed harder at that, and Y/n couldn't take it anymore. She let her hand drift to the top of his head, gently caressing his soft hair.

"My love, why are you crying?" Y/n reached down, cupping his jaw and tilting his head back. She ran her thumb across his cheek, wiping away the tears that never stopped, her other hand still resting in his hair.

More tears flowed from his eyes, and he opened his mouth to speak, but right at that moment, Nina spoke up from behind Y/n. Y/n hadn't even heard Nina walk up the stairs, so busy was she getting lost in her lover's eyes.

"Get away from her you bastard."

Y/n turned halfway, Cassian's death grip on her lessening just a little as he too peered from around Y/n. Y/n absently noted that Nina had left her bag down in the living room.

"Nina, please-"

"Y/n, don't. You just told me you wanted to leave, heal. What happened now? Are you having second thoughts?"

Y/n felt Cassian freeze, and she sighed, glaring at Nina. "You... you are leaving?"

"Thank you so much Nina, just what I needed." Y/n bit out, turning her back to her friend and glancing down at her kneeling husband. His skin was pale, paler than Y/n had ever seen him.

"What! I just helped you out! You had to tell him anyways!"

"Yes Nina, but I would have been more gentle!"

Nina huffed as Y/n grabbed Cassian's forearms and tugged. He complied, climbing to his feet as new tears gathered in his eyes. Y/n ignored her friend and grabbed Cassian's face tenderly in her hands.

"Cass? I... I need to leave."

"Why?" He whispered.

"I don't think I can handle letting your family walk all over me anymore. I need to stand up for myself. I'm sorry Cass, but I need to do this. Even if it kills me, I need to leave."

"I- they're your family too." His voice was quiet and uncertain, as though he knew Y/n would not believe him.

Y/n gave him a small, pained smile. "I don't think they feel that way."

"Please don't go Y/n. Rhys is feeling guilty for what he did. I'm sure everyone else is too. Maybe they're on their way here to apologise."

"Never seen anyone more delusional." Nina murmured from behind Y/n.

"Cass-"

Before Y/n could even get a word out, Nina piped up.

"If you really want to be with her, you can come with us. Leave this hell court."

Cassian ignored Nina again.

"Y/n, please don't go. I need you. We can all start over again. I promise they will realise how wrong they were."

"It's too late now. Give us a straight answer. If you love her, leave this place and come with us. If not, stay here and rot."

"Come on, Y/n. I can't leave them. They're my family."

"And she is not? You should not feel obligated to love someone because they're your family or whatever."

Cassian glared at Nina, then mumbled to Y/n. "Are you not going to defend me from her?"

"Like you defended her from your asshole family?"

Y/n could see Cassian trying to hold back a snarl at that, and she sighed, pinching her nose bridge between her forefinger and thumb. "Y/n. We need to talk. Alone."

Y/n nodded, glancing at her friend, who rolled her eyes. "I will be standing outside. Call for me when you're done."

She looked like she wanted to slam the door shut as she left, but she simply pulled it until it made a soft click.

Y/n turned to Cassian, offering him a tentative smile.

"Yes?"

Cassian took a step back. "I- I'll start from the beginning."

Y/n nodded uncertainly, wondering what he wanted to tell her. He grabbed Y/n's hand, gently tugging her to the end of the bed and sitting her down onto it.

"I... I don't know how to explain, but I'll try." Cassian took a deep breath as he settled into a kneeling position in front of Y/n. "First of all, I need you to know that I only ever kissed Nesta, and that was when I was drunk out of my mind."

He released a breath before continuing, clutching Y/n's hands as if they were his lifeline. "I... I know that isn't an excuse for what I did, and I never should have been at Rita's that night, but it happened, and I don't think anything I do or say will justify it.

"It started that day a year ago. When Rhys wanted to send me on a month long mission. Asshole, now that I think of it. I just now realise it for the plot it was." Cassian shook his head in disbelief. "He told me no one else could do it and that only I could do it. That should have alerted me, but alas, I now know that I'm very thick skulled."

A small giggle left Y/n, and Cassian's eyes rose to her lips, a little of life returning to the dull hazel. He smiled softly as his eyes met Y/n's, and her breath hitched. It had been far too long since the two of them had time like this.

"I remember you cried that day. That was the first time I'd seen you cry. I was so stressed because I did not want to leave you. That would have been the first time that I would be away from you for longer than a day. You told me you would write to me everyday."

Y/n could remember it very vividly. The way she had sobbed into Cassian's chest just as he was about to leave, the way she had stared up at him as his tears fell too. It had been a nightmare, to put it nicely.

"But you never did-"

Y/n interrupted him. "What do you mean I never did?"

Cassian glanced up at Y/n from where he was playing with her fingers, meeting her eyes with furrowed brows. "You never wrote to me? I never received any letters."

Y/n's lips parted in confusion. "I- I wrote to you everyday Cass. Sometime even multiple times a day."

Cassian stared at her in disbelief, and Y/n could see the gears in his brain churning. His mouth opened a few times, wanting to speak but no words coming out before realisation set in his features.

"Rhysand."

Y/n searched Cassian's eyes as anger and betrayal entered them, coming to the same realisation.

"Oh Cass." Y/n mumbled, reaching up to cup his cheek.

"Fucker." Cassian said under his breath, his wings flaring slightly.

After a moment of Cassian cursing Rhys and his entire family line, he continued. "I never received those letters, so I was a little upset because I was looking forward to writing you. When I returned, I decided that it would be best to give Rhys all the information I had before coming home so I could spend some days with you, locked away with no one interrupting us.

"But when I arrived, Rhysand said things about you that riled me up. He told me that he had asked you multiple times if you had to send any letters and that each time you told him to, basically, fuck off. I did not believe him, but it kept happening every time I was gone, to the point where I was starting to wonder if you liked me at all."

Cassian rested his head on their joined hands, releasing a deep breath. "I never should have believed that bastard, never should have doubted you. And I will forever regret that. Rhys also kept up with his manipulating to get me away from you, I see that now. I should have stopped him the first time he said things about you, but I guess I didn't want to upset him after everything he's done for me."

"He is your family, isn't he? He would not have expected anything of you." Y/n told him, making him nod.

"I know. Recently, after Feyre and her sister's arrival, Rhys started to gaslight me into thinking I liked Nesta. He made me spend more time with her, train her. He got so much out of it. For one, he could get me away from you, whatever his reasons. By assigning me to Nesta, he could keep her busy and out of the way.

"He... he really fucked up my mind. He is a daemati after all. Yesterday at Rita's, I realised something was wrong. That I couldn't put up my shields properly. Then the next thing I knew, I was kissing Nesta. I left soon after, not wanting to be near any longer."

He sucked in a tired breath, his hold tightening on Y/n's hands. She gave him a gentle squeeze and he continued. "Today, when I was about to come home, Rhys convinced me to stay till dinner. And I just... somehow couldn't say no. It was like- like..."

Cassian trailed off, his wide eyes meeting his wife's.

"Oh Cassian." Y/n slid onto his lap, pulling him close. "I'm so sorry he did that to you. I wish I had known what was happening sooner so I could stop it from ever happening."

Cassian shook his head, staring at the wall behind Y/n's head, his features distant.

"Not your fault. You could not have stopped it from happening."

Y/n knew that, but that didn't stop her from wanting to rip off Cassian's brother's head. Hell, she wished at least she's gotten a little bit of power from her parents so she could do anything to stop what Rhys had been doing to Cassian.

She could not even winnow, so what was she even worth? At least this Nesta was powerful enough to be mated to Cassian.

"I just- I just don't understand why he wanted you to be with Nesta."

Without moving his eyes, still that far off look on his face, Cassian mumbled. "She is my mate, and the mother pairs people who can produce the strongest offspring." Finally, Cassian met Y/n's gaze, his eyes haunted. "He wanted me to produce as strong as an offspring I could."

Y/n's heart broke for her husband. She knew how much the high lord mattered to him, and the betrayal she felt would probably not even compare to what he was feeling.

Cassian opened his mouth on a gasp, about to say something when knock drew their attention, stopping Cassian from speaking.

"Are you done yet?" Nina's voice called out. Y/n looked from the door to Cassian. He stared at the door like it had caused him some personal offence. "The caravan will not wait up for us, and only an hour is left-"

"Caravan?" Cassian questioned Y/n, turning to look at her as his hands fell to her waist. Y/n nodded.

"Neither of us can winnow, so Nina had to contact a friend who knew of an agent. He technically transports people from one court to another on horse and carriages."

Understanding entered his eyes. "You- you really were going to leave."

Y/n nodded, making to pull away from him so she could start packing up. His hold on her tightened.

"Please don't go. I need you. I will make it up to you, I promise. I will wait forever if that's what it takes to earn your forgiveness." His eyes were again filled with tears, making it harder for Y/n to turn away.

"Cass... I won't forgive you. Not anytime soon at least. But... maybe I can give you one last chance."

The tears overflowed from his eyes even as a huge grin split his face. "Thank you. Thank you so much my heart. I will not let you down again."

Y/n studied him for a moment, smiling when he started laughing softly while wiping at his tear stained cheek with the sleeve of his shirt. Y/n gently pushed back some stray strands of hair from his face, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Maybe we can start all over again. Like we never knew each other."

Cassian nodded. "Even though what good times we had together are precious to me, I don't think we can mend this. We need to start over."

Y/n smiled wide for the first time in what felt like months, genuine joy singing through her blood. "Let's get ready then."

•○🌑○•

Nina's pov.

It was around ten minutes after that the door opened, and Nina nearly fell to her knees and thanked the mother for it. She was getting bored standing out here all by herself.

And in the next moment Nina wondered if she was dreaming.

Y/n stood in the doorway, a huge smile and blush on her face. That was not what shocked Nina, though it played a part in it.

No, it was Cassian, who stood behind Y/n, holding two duffel bags over his shoulder, a quiet joy on his face.

Nina rose a brow at the couple, who only grinned. Releasing a disbelieving sigh, Nina pushed away from the wall she was leaning against.

"I had booked an extra seat just in case. Thank the mother I did."

Y/n grabbed Nina in a quick hug, and her happiness brought a small smile to Nina's lips as well.

Y/n turned and practically skipped down the stairs, happy to leave. Cassian moved to follow, but Nina caught his arm. He looked down at her, his brows raised high.

"Don't you dare hurt her now. Or I will fucking carve your wings from your back. Understood?" If possible, his eyebrows rose higher, almost disappearing into his hairline. Obviously, Nina wished Y/n never forgive him, but Nina also knew how happy the brute made her best friend, and that was all Nina could ask for.

He studied her for a moment, then nodded, pulling his arm away from her. "Hmm. Good."

With that, both of them followed Y/n, ready to start all over again, make a new life.

•○🌑○•

Taglist: @mybestfriendmademe @awkwardnerd @cleverzonkwombatsludge @blogforficslol @fasoaurore @fanboyluvr @darling006 @sonics-atelier @saltedcoffeescotch @lees-chaotic-brain @leeknows-wife

General Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686 @cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1 @hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21 @mybestfriendmademe @anuttellaa

Cassian Taglist: @moonlwghts

#cassian #cassian x you #cassian x reader #acosf #cassian acotar #cassian acosf #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #acotar fandom #acotar fanfic #acotar fluff #acotar series #acotar writing #night court #General of night court #lord of bloodshed #mating bond #sarah j maas #acotar headcanon

197 notes · View notes

ilikemicrowaves · 4 months

Text

MOURNING

Summary: Jax won't admit it, but he misses his friend Kaufmo, and the most healthy way to cope? Crying in Kaufmo's room away from everyone!

Notes: Yeah...longer than expected because of ✨️family drama✨️ and I needed to focus on my grades lol enjoy

@tadssstrange <- not the one I was working on, but I did finish this one

♡————☆◇☆————♡

Slowly creaking open the entrance to the Kaufmo's room, he flicked the lights, stepping into the clowns bedroom. Paints, mini confetti bombs, fake daisys, all of his old stuff.

The once clean floors and walls where still covered with his sloppy but still legible handwriting. Nobody had bothered to come to his room, yet until now. Jax couldn't bare to go.

Steadily, the purple rabbit stepped his way to the old friends unmade bed. He hopped onto it and curled his legs up to his chess as he leaned against the wall, mourning his friends absents.

Jax still remembered his silly little grins from just a week before, one of the only thinks that was nice in this digital hell. His favorite memories where their pranks on the others, hiding Zoobles parts, scaring Ragatha with centipedes, and even crashing an adventure if it wasn't much fun.

Jax smiled at the thought, of Kaufmo and him making jokes or just hanging out in general. He actually enjoyed his presents, and found his startled honks and squeaks silly. He shivered thinking of the day of his abstraction. Why hadn't he put the thought on checking on him? Could he have fixed him before it was too late? It didn't matter now, he was gone; deep in the cellar with the other lost ones.

Shakey breath, he layed his head on a pillow and stared at the ceiling. Nothing but "Exit, Exit, Exit." Endlessly repeating itself until someone would be drove mad. He turned his head away from it, and faced the desk next to the bed.

A pot with some daisys, a lamp, and a peice of crumbled paper..

Paper?

Jax lifted his arm enough to reach out and grab it, unfolding it until he could see the rest of the page. It was a note, or rather, letter. His pupils scanned the writing.

I know I will be gone soon, I can feel it. Just yesterday I started hacking up thick black goo. I can't leave without proving them I'm right. Caine is a LIAR. I seen it, large and red. I probably couldn't even reach the handle if I got to it. I've seen it twice, outside and in the tent. I'm not having digital hallucinations, I've been here long enough. Once I show everyone that Exit, we can all leave together. I don't know what's on the other side, or even if our family's are still out, if we had any. I just cant leave them all behind, especially Jax's. But maybe then, I can find Jax afterwards, and we can be best buds outside of this hell and be free.

Those last few sentences... It made him tear. So many emotions filled his head and heart all at once. Breaking down, he held onto the paper fiercely and began to slowly but surely, break into a sob. Thankfully these rooms where all soundproof, he couldn't have any of the others seeing him so weak and cowardly.

He couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his face leaving wet spots on the pillow and blanket. Soon enough, he started to whimper. Embarrassing squeaks and whines croaked from his throat that he couldn't control.

Being in this room didn't help. Kaufmo wasn't coming back but he still felt there.

He buried his face into the pillow to try and quiet his sobs even though no one but him could hear it. He couldn't bare his sobs, he wasn't supposed to cry. He's the tough guy, that listens to nobody and has no soft spots.

His heart rate began to slow and his sobs and whines softened after about a good 5 minutes. He grabbed the blanket and curled himself into it, tucking each corner in to trap the heat and let his tense muscles relax. His breathing calmed and he was able to stop shaking from his cries. Finally, he let his mind drift to some place else, and with a few sighs he muttered, "I miss you, Kauffy," and fell into a deep, calming sleep.

♡————☆◇☆————♡

Notes: the fluff one should be done within next month, I've been bussier than expected.

PLEASE REBLOG

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #tadc kaufmo #tadc jax #kaufax #meanjokes #mischievous honk #jax x kaufmo #kaufmo x jax #<- its hinted / implied #also i dont think i will do any big writing of them because i dont think we see enough of Jax's yet and Kaufmo doesnt even have any lines #but i do plan to

63 notes · View notes

homokommari · 2 months

Note

Bruce Wayne for the "send me a character" thing :3

First impression: i dont know, since he has been big in popculture before i was born. he is a bat? very serious?

Impression now: he is sooooo serious. very tsundere of him. given how big dc is and how many different iterations on his character there are, there is very big range of "who bruce wayne is". i have my favorites, which i try to replicate in my stories.

Favorite moment: when he kisses clark- what do you mean that hasnt happened in canon? idk i dont read/watch/play anything.

Idea for a story: a major injury has bruce benched from being batman for a long while. months. recovery is slow. he is sooooo mad at himself and lashes out at everyone. clark cant stan being completely cut off by bruce and eventually he worms his way back into bruce's life. and everyone is soooo relieved bc clark occupies a lot of bruce's time and seems to take his lashings like a champ.

as months pass and there is doubt if bruce is going to suit up ever again, they start talking about what the future might be. bruce isn't saying it, but he fears that without batman, missing this connetion with clark/superman, clark would eventually drift away from his life. clark can tell it's what he is thinking. and one day he just says it all. abt how deeply he cares for bruce, how connected he feels to bruce, batman or not, and how he doesnt want to even imagine a life without bruce. it's embarrassing but rewarded in the end with bruce kissing the breath out of clark. the rest of bruce's recovery is spent in second base. the family learns to knock before entering bruce's room. (bruce and clark's room.)

and then bruce is recovered. clark walks into the cave and is greeted there by batman. it's awkward for clark because this isn't bruce who he has been making out with for the past weeks. this is his collegue who he hasn't been face to face with in months. should he go in for a kiss still?

as clark hesitates for just a moment, bruce's mind is kicked into anxiety overdrive. his face sours and seeing that makes clark not lean in for a kiss.

"...good to have you back, batman."

"hmh."

clark cracks. "can you take the helmet off so i can kiss you?"

bruce tries not to show how hearing that relaxes him. "my lips aren't the part covered up, clark."

"fair enough, i guess. haha." clark chuckles a little self-consciously and leans in for a kiss.

this is canon dc comic. the dark detective: from gotham with love issue #17

Unpopular opinion: he should be tsundere. he masks his love and affection with being aloof and cold and distant. being verbally affectionate with him will make him just want to respond with insults. also he has a vagina. i think thats more controversial. also he is not skinny. uwu

Favorite relationship: idk if this makes any sense but him with... superman? i know its weird, they are aesthetically very different, but you'd be surprised to see how much they have in common in their ideals and how well their personalities come together.

Favorite headcanon: him being trans means so much to me idk why. coping character.

36 notes · View notes

mihai-florescu · 5 months

Note

enstars analyses uhmmm i think we should spend more time talking about what dreams mean to characters ^^ it is In The Name. but i mostly think about how ritsu's issues with emotional dependency and wilfulness, all this stuff where he plays up his emotionality (??) are both result of and like an.. acting out of ... trauma from being u know. a chronically ill kid. with an absent family? and literally like two people who would visit him? and the isolation he would understandably feel; and the dependence he would have on those only points of connection--and he can't control those--i think it's interesting and i love ritsu. it's like, sometimes he acts like he chose to be how he is but a lot of it is out of his hands. hi i hope the rest of ur day goes well :>

Disclaimer post writing an answer, my mind drifted away while writing and i ended up just kinda Pondering and Rambling. Im sorry if it seems a bit scattered and all over the place, that's my mind rn. Ok, let's see what i actually said now.

Sometimes i think about how the war wouldnt have played out the same had rei never left ritsu to try to find doctors and cures for him (which led to breaking the promise of staying with ritsu that ultimately changed everything in their relationship forever). I wonder if rei would have ever even been in the cemetary and met keito had he just stayed to take care of ritsu. I also wonder if keito and rei would ever bond about having someone dear to them be sick. And had rei stayed, ritsu wouldnt have been upset and willing to give eichi advice on how to take him down. Would there had even been a war if Keito hadnt met Rei, or if the student council hadnt figured out how to send rei away. Would rei even be a protagonist if he hadnt left ritsu, if he had just stayed home in obscurity as well (i dont think so, and the story is built on the existence of these extraordinary characters, by the characters who arent, but are willing to make their way into the narrative nevertheless and achieve their dreams) One action's ripple effects etcetc.

Sorry i realise this was got way off topic from your original ask. I think i will continue to be off topic because i cant stop the train of thought ive embarked upon at this tardy post midnight time. I think eichi and ritsu are an underrated duo... they helped each other take steps towards their dreams afterall. During checkmate eichi giving a harsh wakeup call to ritsu in regard to being in his brother's shadow unless he does something himself to prove he's alive (top 10 eichi mean moments where he's also projecting onto the other person his own issues... not that he was wrong, but still). And in black tea, ritsu advising eichi on the war preparations during tea club (a serene setting in what was otherwise a hellish place, a piece of an everyday normal students life, which eichi craved so much his whole life. And ritsu also needed the club, interacting with new people, let alone another chronically ill kid).

Im thinking about your last sentence and how ritsu clung to the vampire persona the family adopted, the way to cope with the hereditary disability. As opposed to rei who changed his persona and struggled with the way he was perceived as a monster, when he was a human just as much as everyone else and tried to ignore his disability even? I dont think ignore is the best word. Downplay. It was always the acknowledgement that ritsu had it worse, despite the fact that rei also had it, he was looking for a cure for ritsu instead. First instance and development of his habit of helping people when they dont necessarily even ask for it. But yes anyway millions of tangents aside, ritsu clinging on to the vampire persona tighter and more consistently in his character, as a coping mechanism with a condition he didnt ask for, that is outside his hands. The one thing that was in his power was choosing to play into the vampire persona.

I havent even touched on mao... to be fair i dont think im the most qualified person to speak on him, or his relationship with ritsu. I am still figuring out my thoughts on them. Im glad they grew to find their own dreams in yumenosaki (heh), in the same realm, but not tied to each other where it gets suffocating.

I wouldnt call anything i said analysis as i wouldve probably ordered things better and had, well, an actual point, but i hope my stream of conciousness was as fun for you to read as it was for me to just think and type

#ask #skalidris

10 notes · View notes

endermahn · 1 year

Text

IFHY

Part 1 | Part 2 | part 3 | part 4 (not made yet)

Plot: Wenclair fic but Wednesday and Enid don’t make up ep 8 and Wednesday goes insane after that scene.

As you probably could have guessed if you’re a Tyler fan, it’s based off of Tyler the Creator’s song “IFHY”.

IDEA FROM AN EDIT BY “emmamyerswife1” ON TT

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mention of Blood, Knives, detailed-ish Description of death, Major character death, OOC Wednesday, slightly out of character Enid(??), LOTS OF SWEARING! Co-dependancy basically, Wednesday is a psychopath Wednesday with psychopathic tendencies.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT encourage this behaviour, it’s just a fic, if you do feel like this, I urge you to seek help, it ISNT a healthy coping mechanism and can hurt you and who you feel this way for!

3rd Person Wednesday

“I’m going to stay with Yoko for a while, I can’t be here.” and with that she was gone. Enid had dragged her suitcase out of the door and out of Wednesday’s reach.

Wednesday looked back at the door after a while, realising she wasn’t going to come back. All she could think was “Fuck.” She was so incredibly angry, so angry that her eyes became glassy and her heart began to year at her chest.

So increasing angry that her hands began to shake.

So undeniably angry, in fact, that she started to feel her whole body shaking from the thumps of her heart. How she knew this? Her hair was shaking, everything was moving.

She tried to breathe but struggled for a second. She gasped a bit for air, finally getting it. She began to make her way to the window, trying to get anything that could stabilise her and keep her grounded.

This isn’t real, is it? It’s all a dream, she’s just having a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. Enid would never just leave like that, that isn’t Enid. Enid loves her too, Enid would never leave, somethings making her leave, somethings distracting her from Wednesday. She needs her, she needs her constant presence, no matter how annoying she can be, she’s grown used to it, they both cant be without the other, it’s been proven time and time again. They need eachother.

Sooner or later, Enid will come running back like nothing happened and start talking about some boy problem. Or maybe Yoko will force them to talk to each other again. Either way, they both can be right, Enid can go off for a couple days for some space, and Wednesday doesn’t have to apologise for what she hasn’t done.

And with that comforting thought, Wednesday drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

——————

2 days later.

Wednesday wasn’t about to sacrifice her pride for some stupid fight, Enid was bound to come back. It’s just taken a bit longer. It’s not like they’ve even fought before, so theres no way she’s about to stop being friends with Wednesday over one childish disagreement.

Well

That’s what Wednesday thought.

Enid passes in the hallway, not a single thought in her head, laughing until she had no breath left to give and her ribs starts hurting.

But that isn’t right? If she’s so happy, why wouldn’t she be back with Wednesday? Why wouldn’t she be waiting in the dorm, waiting to give some clearly fake excuse why she’s back and why she wants to talk again? Was she staying at Yoko’s dorm forever? That isn’t fair. That isn’t where she is supposed to stay, she’s supposed to stay in Ophelia hall, she’s supposed to stay in that room, she’s supposed to stay in their room.

She wasn’t supposed to be happy, she wasn’t supposed to laugh, she wasn’t supposed to be happy without Wednesday, she is her source of happiness so why wasn’t she hers? None of this is fair.

So she did something about it.

——————

Weems office.

She made her way down to Principle Weems office as if a rainbow hovered above her head for all to see.

The door opens in an aggressive manner, Weems swivels around in slight shock but her shoulders relax when she sees it’s just Wednesday. “Please, don’t slam-“

“Enid.”

“What? Take a seat, Wednesday..” Weems tilts her head slightly, squinting at her.

She didn’t move an inch and didn’t Miss a beat.“Enid, she’s never in our dorm, it’s been 2 days.”

“She requested to be moved for the time being, there’s nothing I can do, I’m afraid..” Her eyes softened a bit, sympathising with Wednesday. “You Look tried, Are you okay?”

“Yes, now invalidate the request and make her move back in, she is needed for the investigation.” Her eyes looked like a sailor’s storm, the bags proudly claiming the title of her most prominent facial feature.

“Again, there’s nothing I can do unless she, personally, requests to be placed back. We cannot move students back in when having a disagreement with their roommate for safety reasons.” Weems took a more professional approach with Wednesday when she was like this, sleepless and motivated to get something she just can’t have.

“Ms W-“

“Wednesday.” She started to sound more firm in her decision while still trying to understand her perspective. “If you can get Enid to personally request to go back, then I’ll do it with no problem. However, I cannot-“

Wednesday huffed angrily and slammed the door behind her. If she isn’t getting what she wants then why would she want to stay? She knows the answer so why wait that extra, valuable time she could be spending with Enid there?

She considered swallowing her pride but decided against it, thinking of other solutions, any solution that could keep Enid close but keep her dignity.

An ear screeching bell ring throughout the school, making her jump slightly as her thoughts were disturbed.

She would have to devise a plan later, lunch is over.

15 notes · View notes

morikawamirai · 1 year

Text

victimgram mirai analysis from the person who wrires mirai (me) + these design notes lol

———————————

mirai is kinda someone who just. looks towards the future a lot. this would normally be a good thing, but the thing is that it gets to the point where she doesn't look at the present?? so as a result, she tends to leave a lot of things or even people behind. this includes her victim (haruka)

mirai is also lowkey insensitive. not really seeing when something might be hurtful, until someone points it out. of course she's quick to correct her mistakes when told WHAT they are. and in there lies a problem because of the fact that she does things a little too late. (for example: mirai doesn't see the problem in calling rei "rei-chan", until rei comes out during T2. and she might be doing the smallest gesture by dropping the "-chan" altogheter but bc she's much colder in general during T2 it also comes off as rude)

all those things end up piling up to her "crime", because she genuinely can't comprehend why her friend decided to game end himself. she literally cant wrap her head around it, and it all stems from a communication problem between the two. with neither really. talking abt what's bothering them? or really, it's mainly mirai who doesn't really allow herself to talk about these things. she literally copes by moving foward and not dwelling in it, both pre and post haruka dying

paradoxically though, mirai is right now dwelling too much on what she could have done differently. to the point she kind of imposes her ideals on others, almost projecting onto the other prisoners (she projects herself on sayu and eagle, and haruka on meowmeow and aoi). this gets worse during trial 2 (especially in the cases of aoi and sayu LOL)

i should mention too that mirai was somewhat. unaware? that they were drifting apart? I mean more like. she KNEW that they were growing to be different people. (main reason for the "we can't keep acting like kids" line). but she always was under the impression that they would continue to be friends regardless. that bonds aren't something that just dissolves if you don't interact with people. that friendships only end if you cut one off yourself.

in a way it parallels coney, who is on the OTHER side of the situation. because coney and mirai are on the same position either way. coney is aware that the relationship shifted, and tries to salvage it as much as he can. mirai isn't, and she just thinks her relationship will remain as it always has. both are wrong, and it leads to their eventual crimes (mirai failing to save haruka from drowning, and coney pushing yuno down the stairs)

#victimgram #001 #.txt #kinda long post bc im on movile and idk how to make read mores on mobile

3 notes · View notes

homicidal-rage · 2 years

Text

no light no light / ORV interpretation

bc @boo-womp asked for my interpretation of the song- and like i know u didnt ask for a word wall but i got too passionate. lmao feel free to skim over. ill put a little tl;dr at the end. mega word jumble not going back to edit

i wont bother to explain all the events of the epilogue because theres just TOO much to cover but. in one way, you could have those lyrics being sung from joonghyuk to dokja with their sheer platonic love and mgfhsdmjfksn

like, the chorus. hits hard. "no light no light in your bright blue eyes i never knew daylight could be so violent".

there is something that joonghyuk says to dokja's 15 yo self, that he was the "most omniscient, yet powerless god", because through all of his childhood trauma his means of cope was escaping reality and absorbing himself so deep into fiction that his imagination made it real. and the 'i never knew daylight could be so violent' but is like, joonghyuk slowly discovers how much existing was harmful to this kid, to the point where he became the oldest dream.

and then like, the next lyrics, 'revalation int he night of day, you cant choose what stays and what fades away.' when dokja has to split his memories into two bodies so one could keep watching over the world, so everyone existing could continue living, eventually his memories start to fade to the point where he regresses back to his traumatised child self. AND. i sob so hard at this. 'and ill do anything to make you stay', from joonghyuk to dokja. this man. this man risks his bloody life so many times after chap 500 to bring his soul back to life. he drifts through space. for THREE YEARS. just so he can deliver a novel to kim dokjas reincarnated self in hopes he remembers his life, and through some wacky disconnected theory, comes back to them. he goes all in on trying to bring him back. hell do ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM STAY ARHUGHG.

and if i also talk about the author of the novel that he read for 13 years straight, han sooyoung, she created this novel despite knowing that it would cause an apocolypse and the end of the world. but she writes away anyway just so he doesnt die young. because that novel kept him alive. and in the process she created yoo joonghyuk, which began his regressions, and the chorus just reminds me of her devotion to keeping him alive for so long.

in a way that chorus is sung by all three of them- the reader (dokja), the protagonist (joonghuyk) and the writer (han sooyoung) because their love for each other all resolves around sacrifice. 'ill do anything to make you stay' SOBBING.

'han sooyoung wrote WOS just so kim dokja could read it.

and because dokja read WOS, joonghyuk began his regression.

because joonghyuk began his regression, han sooyoung was able to write WOS.'

its a cycle of sacrifice and this song just AAGHHHHH the emotion of desparation yet hopelessness in that song resides with me so hard. and then when you blast it loudly you just sob because none of them had a choice in this except for the means of sacrifice for each other.

and thats just the chorus <3

word wall over UwU

tl;dr the life of the three main protags of orv revolve around sacrifice and the chorus reminds me of it so much that i sobbed

7 notes · View notes

bbugyu · 2 years

Note

gose pd oc and jeonghan are so manic.... they are just so obsessed with each other how does jeonghan manage his stamina when they just wanna fuck like rabbits 😭 like don't tire yourself out too bad ur supposed to be preparing for a comeback

no because actually like i feel like even they cant keep up with themselves they show up to work hella tired and wont say why and everyone just has to cope with the fact that they know the two of them were up all night .... carnally DHSBHDHSBDBSBD

some of the shit i'm writing for this next part.... yo they...... they are so............. hang on

context: mc calls jeonghan mean in bed

"two options," he began. "i make sweet, tender love to you until we drift away like a fairy tale. or," he continued, his hips rolling against you to pull a surprised yelp from your already slack jawed lips. "you let me vent and i'll make sure it's worth your while."

#DHSGDGSHDHSHSHSHSHHDHFHFJJGJDJGJJGFJG #AAHHAHDHDBNFNFNCNCNND #he #🥴#dlst #anon #ask #hannie

12 notes · View notes

joe-bidens-big-naturals · 8 months

Text

god I love house of leaves, probably spoilers under the cut im just exploding rn

this book understands, it was made for ME the fucking poem at the end IS LITERALLY HOW MY LIFE HAS PLAYED OUT FOR THE PAST 7 YEARS, IT UNDERSTANDS IT WAS WRITTEN FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.

in it there is a poem, tucked away at the end that just goes like this:

“Little solace comes To those who grieve When thoughts keep drifting As walls keep shifting And this great blue world of ours seems a house of leaves

moments before the wind.”

a person I cared for and i thought cared about me left abruptly and my last sight of him was a look of digust, I never got and solace for that you could say, no words or anything, and ive been trying to move on but I cant and my minds been a constant whirlwind. Thoughts do keep drifting I change subjects a lot I change everything a lot I change my friends a lot I change how I present myself a lot just hoping I would feel happy again. I moved around a lot after it happened, my parents and sibling were in their own layer of hell and so was I but I tried to keep it together because the world needs a child to go to school and fit in. Never could hold any relationships after that, this book understood me deeply, every relationship I build feels like it will collapse at any moment and its scary and keeps me awake and I try still, you could say its like a house made of leaves about to be blown away. And the worst part about it all is I am continuing this cycle and I dont know how to stop it and it knows I am also the minotaur, it isnt for normal people its for traumatized people its about the grief and the inability to move on and the depression and fixation and coping mechanisms be it pointless sex or substance abuse and just trying to figure it all out because even I struggle to find why I act this way and so do the people inside the house struggle to understand it because the house is a representation of human relationships and the minotaur and darkness is the trauma

this is a book of grief made manifest with the characters all being parts of it and actors you could say

#Vent tw #adding this also because house of leaves is about trauma and it spoke about my own and it was like a shotgun

1 note · View note

the-little-red-noodle · 1 year

Text

1-12-23 12:06am

You know it’s bad when she’s getting on tumblr

It’s probably been 10 years, nearly exactly. Where did my coping skills go? Where did my hope go? This can’t be just a boy. This is existential. This is everything wrong. This is the 2 people i loved the last 3 years being passive about my affection. Take it or leave it.

I feel empty. I’m all squeezed out. All the good parts of me were handed out in high school. All the passion, all the butterflies, all the fairytale love went down the drain with Harrison, and i don’t think I’ve been in love with anyone since. I’ve drifted to whichever nest would house me for a couple months, and now it’s catching up to my body. All the use, all the pain, all the abuse. The touches i didn’t want, the trauma of loss, and i don’t even know real loss. Abandonment. I’m a shell. You guys won, I’m empty now. I’ve been pushed between people, and didn’t love myself enough to think about it too much. That should have told everyone that something was wrong.

I haven’t hurt myself since i was 15 or 16. I haven’t had to cover up cuts and dread a hot room and dart my eyes around to see if anyone noticed. I haven’t had to strategize how to avoid revealed skin for long enough that theyd look like cat scratches.

Day 0, again. This is the 2nd time in the last few weeks now. I has this horrible realization that when you’ve had an addiction like this, it’ll find you when you’re at your lowest. Even when you’re 10 years sober. Even when you’re the one moms ask for advice about their girls hurting themselves, and you stare blankly because you legitimately forgot what it felt like. To need that, to do it, to feel the after, to hide it..

it’s hot. Warm to the touch, it feels 10 degrees higher than the rest of me. Rush of immune cells and macrophages. Lysosomes dropping off tangled proteins to ward off the invader bacteria that comes from an open wound.

I’m sorry body. I’m sorry for making you feel like you needed to expend the biomatter to clean up after me. I’m sorry for making you confused. I thought we were passed it, too.

Here you are again, Sam. 10 years later, you’ve wound up in the same mental space. You’ve lost your overachiever mentality for school. You’ve lost becca, a best friend of a decade, and you havent even begun to grieve it because youre so resentful and think youre right. You’re far from your family. Youre in a dark apartment in a city you dont care for. You’re starting to get a bad drug habit, with molly this time, so you can numb the bad and feel good. This ones way better than the weed youre using. Youre still scared to talk to girls. You’re settling for whoever will express sexual interest in you because you so badly want to be chosen. You so badly want for someone to want you and find you intoxicating. You think you used to be, i think i used to be. But a luxury product tarnishes when it’s always on sale.

Coming out of a breakup to people putting in fuck buddy applications just actually solidified that this is how people see me. I’m an object. I’m not ugly, but I’m not smart or sexy enough, I’m not actually worth the trouble i cost. I’m just pushed between rooms to the next person who wants to hold my skin for 20 minutes, say they think my hair is cool, and that I’m so interesting when i haven’t said a word.

Edgar basically telling me that he’s not sure he was ever in love with me, school pitfalls, family fragments, i cant even take care of myself enough to adopt a dog.. i just feel like this unremarkable waste of a person.

I wish that i could block me out. I deleted my instagram. I want to block everyone and delete every phone number and write out every word o hate i think and eat the paper. I feel like the paper cuts would be enough to finally drown me out.

I used to try. I used to have that fire. I would feel like i was getting back on the horse, gallop a couple yards, and then get bucked off. My attitude was my saving grace for this last decade, but it was also contrived. I was the manic pixie dream girl. I clung to that. I wanted to be just that. I wanted to be sparkly and bubbly and brightly colored but I’m cynical and I’m selfish and I’m mean and i talk about friends behind their backs and i start drama and i flirt with people until I’m done with them or get bored and move on, and i half ass things, and i have an attitude with my manager, and i eat like crap, and I’m not as friendly as i used to be, and I’m not as genuine as i used to be, and I’m not as trusting as i used to be.

Can you blame me?

Once you go through this many friendship explosions, this many breakups, this many mental breakdowns, this many panic attacks, this many nights holding a push pin, you just stop trying. I get it, id be sick of me too. Id call me a succubus too. Id uninvite me to parties. Id avoid me like the plague. The only people in my circle in la now are the ones i haven’t burned too bad yet, but i will. Because I’m selfish and bad and it’s all a lie. I’m not sweet. I’m not thoughtful. I’m not empathetic, i clam up when people spill emotions now. I’ve been tarnished. I’ve been ruined. Somewhere along the way, those things i loved about myself became myths that i tried to keep alive.

Everything hurts and I’ll close my eyes and I’ll be fine in a week, and I’ll laugh it off that i just had a bad night, just a couple of bad nights.

I need sleep, i need physical contact, i need to feel anchored in this week but i so tragically don’t. Becca pulled my roots out of the ground and left me dry and I’ve been laying on the pavement looking up at the world growing apathetic. I deserve this. I’ll stay here.

Sorry to anyone who’s met me, sounds like a bad time ngl

0 notes