#i cant afford to support myself but still pay dad what i was paying for Board

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

#zagreus rambling #venting #Ill try to see if I can get another prescription of the anxiety meds soon #maybe with those things could get more bearable #I cried writing this so... yeah

[myork]

:( can your parents afford the school you got in even though it's that expensive? if so, you can still try and always remember them how grateful you're... don't show you're sorry, show you're grateful, i promess you that this would make them feel better (if not now, later). and could you try other ways to help with the money? maybe there'll be some activities for it in school? and i don't know how it's in your country, but maybe you could find a job? do they offer jobs to young and unexperienced people? i hope you can be accepted in other school but if this doesn't happen please know that it won't be the end of the world you know :( you'll get through whatever it is you need to face and this is only another phase of your life. you can work harder in your new challenges and please take responsabilities for your acts -but never take blame, blame is a vicious cicle, responsability is healthy

things will eventually be better for you, 'cause they always do, and it's okay to cry and feel your sadness as long as it doesn't consume you entirely :( easier said than done, i don't follow my own words but i can try with you❤❤

yeah they can and even tho they can easily pay for it i just.. i know i got in because of my own but my dad i feel like he’ll always think of me less because its a snobby school and idk i feel like if i did better i could’ve gotten somewhere even better thats not private 😞 i’ll always be grateful nothing will change that its just i feel guilty yk. its not a bad school at all and my cousin graduated from there too jts just not my dads first choice and my whole life ive been trying for his approval and i cant tell you how unhealthy it is and and how sad and angry it makes me. im their only child and while my mom is the most supportive angel in the world my dad is the exact opposite. idk why im saying all this but ig thank you for this message and you’re right i should stop blaming myself. thats what my mom said to me too and ill try to figure something out if things dont work out the way i want them to. thank you angel for coming here 😞💝im grateful

#angels ☁️ #ask

[wasabiholland]

.

#it’s 12.30pm and i’m kinda going through it a lil #okay so my friend + her boyfriend live in town in an apartment with 2 other flat mates #and she just messaged me saying those two other flatmates are moving out and if i wanted to move in #and i currently live in the suburbs with my dad because i’m 19 lol im a baby #i didn’t think i was gonna move out of home for a few more years #and i want to definitely want to move in with my friend #like 1000% #it would also be way easier for work & shopping & just living in town is so much easier than having to travel in from the suburbs #but i’m so scared #like i don’t want to leave my dad all alone in the house #and i know he’s a grown man and perfectly capable but it’s just been us #like JUST me and dad for a like a year now and i don’t want him to be lonely or have any stress on him from me not being there #to help out with cooking or cleaning or anything like that #also i really don’t want him to feel any financial strain from me not being there #i cant afford to support myself but still pay dad what i was paying for Board #i’m also on my period so i’m all emotional and crying behind the desk at work #if anyone looks at me i will burst into real sobs #if u have any advice let me know pls

[shhh-no-ones-home]

what its worth jack daniels x reader

+++++++++

they did his character so dirty and im still kinda salty about it. i know this one is a little ooc and doesnt feature him as much as i was hoping it would but this was the first fic with him that i started. much like the javi stories i have others started, including a three parter that is much more in detail. so if yall dont like this one i get it, its not my greatest, but know it gets better and i do have others i promise

pregnant!reader, and no its not jack's lol

Song: ill always be around by waterparks

tag list: @cynic-spirit

++++++++

i leaned back into the kitchen island and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"do you want to go to the doctor appointment with me or not?"

i said a little irritated into the phone.

"i dont see why i need to."

i shrugged.

"gee, i dont know, maybe because im carrying your kid?!"

i said a little dumbfounded, hearing him let out an exasperated laugh.

"who said i wanted it?"

he asked and i could feel the rage boil through me.

"no one said either of us wanted it zach, but here we are."

i said sternly.

"this was just supposed to be casual hookups, this isnt my fault."

i snorted.

"actually it is. im sorry you'd rather hit it raw and not deal with the consequences.

i heard him sigh into the receiver.

"why dont you get your new boyfriend to take you? hes old enough to be a dad."

i closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

"You fucking suck you know that?"

I said softly, hearing him scoff into the phone.

"I thought that maybe you would want to be here for this baby, it's yours too ya know."

i turned around and placed my elbows on the counter, hearing a rustling in the background.

"look, y/n, i was excited when we found out ill admit that. but ive been think the last three months since we found out and there is no way im fit to be a dad yet. we're both barely out of college, i dont have a steady job, rent is killing me right now. i cant afford a baby; i can barely take care of myself."

i closed my eyes and dropped my head down.

"you know if i put your name on the birth certificate you are legally obligated to help right?"

i asked and there was a long pause. i looked down the hall when i heard the bedroom door creak open.

"and? whats yoour point?"

he asked and i rolled my eyes, looking up as jack walked in with a yawn, his hair messy from his nap. i would've laughed if i weren't so stressed.

"and, youll be paying child support. so you can either step up now and help me get things ready or when it gets here we can go to court and figure out exactly how much you'll be paying a month."

there was another long silence. i knew he was resisting the urge to turn his apartment upside down in a fit of rage. that was part of the reason i told him i didnt wan to date him. our relationship was purely sexual and i wanted to keep it that way, until things changed and we decided to keep this.

"then i guess we'll let the courts decided, cause im not doing this now."

he said sternly and i clenched my jaw, watching jack as he walked around the counter, moving to hug me from behind.

"i guess youll be hearing from my lawyer then."

i said, feeling jacks thumb rub circles into my ever growing baby bump.

"i guess i will."

zach said and i hung up on him, slamming my phone down onto the counter and hanging my head in defeat.

"Zach again?"

He asked and I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Isn't it always?"

I asked and he laughed a little bit, pulling me up and pressing his chest into my back.

"Wish it would've been me."

He said, kissing my neck softly. i sighed, leaning back into him as he wrapped his arms fully around my waist, hands planted firmly against my stomach.

"You and me both."

I agreed, feeling the vibration as he hummed against my ear.

"If only I woulda come along one month sooner."

He said amused, loosening his grip as I moved to turn and face him, placing my hands against his bare chest. Now I could laugh as i looked over him, a sleeping grin across his face as i reached up and fluffed his already messed hair. he was cute when he was sleepy.

"Surely you wouldn't do the same to me,"

I said, looking over his face a little worried.

"Would you?"

I asked and he shook his head frantically.

"Of Course not baby."

He reassured, noticing the tears beginning in my eyes and reaching up to cup my face in his hands. God damn I never cried this much before the kid. he looked between my eyes before kissing me gently, his mustache tickling my lip.

"no, i love you sweetheart. and i I only hope you decide to keep me around long enough to see it grow up."

He said softly and I let out a sob-laugh, his hand going back to my stomach.

"Really?"

I asked and he nodded, looking between my eyes.

"all i ever wanted was a family."

he said softly, leaning in and pressing his forehead into mine.

"If you'll let me, I'd love to stick around and help you take care of it. I know I'm not their actual dad but that doesn't mean I don't want to be a stand in."

He said and I could feel one of the tears slip down my cheek as i closed my eyes, nodding quickly against him as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him to me.

"I would love that jack."

I said through I sob. I could feel him smiling as he moved to kiss my cheek.

"I love you."

He said, pulling away a bit. I couldn't help the smile on my face as I leaned up to kiss him gently again. When I pulled away I sniffled, blinking the tears away.

"I love you too jack."

#wattpad #x reader #jack daniels #kingsman golden circle #one shots #imagines #301 #agent whiskey

[fatgumtm]

[ i wanted to rp today but my day has been getting worse and worse. i had a car accident that resulted in this girl bitching me out and i thought we settled things without having to call the police but then she called me at night not too long ago threatening to call her lawyers because shes painting a whole new story about the damages on her really expensive new car that i cant afford to pay for right now and my dad had to step in to help me im in a fit of nerves thats really overwhelming 

i tried my best to keep it together throughout this whole thing but im so mad. im so mad so mad mad mad it makes me frustrated as fuck and i still have to see this chick at work tomorrow and pretend things are fine. this isnt fair this isnt fucking fair and i hate everything i hate having to relive that trauma of being in another car accident the last time that happened i had fucking physical therapy for god knows how long because the car hit ME on the back and my sister had to throw herself on me to protect me i just want to rest

i want to relax im so fucking tired of this situation and my car just fucking deteriorating and nobody supporting me to help me get a new car i wanted to save my money for that but i guess i cant now. i couldnt even buy lunch today because i needed to use my money for gas to get home. 

the only h ighlight of my day was having clothes to wear finally from my mom doing laundry for me when i was meaning to do it myself. 

im so anxious and scared and mad i dont know what to do.

i wanted to rp today but i dont know how my mood is going to fluctuate whether i use this as a scapegoat or avoid it entirely. 

im sorry ]

#[tiny lady behind the screen ;; ooc ] #tbd #negative / #tw car accident

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

#brain tag

[parvasilvi]

Endeavour Fandom Meme tagged by @wherehefoundtheporcupine​, thanks!

Top 5 Episodes

Ride is my absolute #1 favourite. I’ve watched it so many times. The plot is so ridiculous. Great Gatsby&the Prestige crossover? I love it. Morse taking the time to heal after trauma? I needed so much more of that. THE HAIR? Forever in love. Home is also a favourite. Endeavour’s so YOUNG there. We get to see some of his family. We get some Thursday backstory. They take down the (former) mob-boss together. Morse looks so terribly fragile at the end. I just love it. Trove, immediately following Home, also great. Morse slowly piecing himself back together after being shot in the pevious season’s finale. Protective Dad!Thursday. The way Morse snarks at the snooty professor. The kindness he shows Frida Yelen’s dad. The tender moment with Monica. There’s a lot to love in this episode. Neverland almost didn’t make it in the top 5, because the puppet CREEPS me out, but I had to have it here, if only for Morse standing with Thursday, doing what’s right, despite the (DIRE) consequences. AND the POEM! I could listen to that on repeat except I cant handle the emotions. And lastly Deguello, andother episode where Morse takes on the corrupt upper layers, only this time with the Cowley team standing by him. Also by this episode I had gotten used to the Morsestache and could almost live with it.

Runner-up for Quartet for fantastic spy shenanigans, and also just mentioning Coda as a runner-up because I enjoy the angst of the bankrobbery but am not really here for manipulation-via-women that’s the plot of this episode.

Seasons in Order of Preference (or tops)

Gods must you do this to me? There’s highs and lows in all things. S3, S1, S2, S5, S4, S6. I haven’t brought myself to watch S7 yet, I worry it’ll make me dislike the show. It all seems so DIRE. I prefer the earlier seasons where there wasn’t AS much strife between Thursday and Morse, though the differences were always there I suppose. S3 is a definite fave, I love all 4 films that year. S4, the season where Joan left without saying anything, is only so low because it hurts my heart soo much. I cannot bear Win’s suffering. She breaks my heart in season 4, what a phenomenal performance with the little screentime she has. I love Win so much.

Favourite Scene(s)

Season 3, episode 1; Morse is back in Oxford, where he belongs, and he’s sitting on a bench next to Thursday. They discuss the case, Morse predicts the sandwich. And then, finally FINALLY. Morse talks about what prison was like. He tries to keep it light, but it’s... it’s still so fresh. But Thursday listens, and reassures him when he starts to doubt himself. And these actors, their faces, it’s just. I love it.

Honorary mentions for the bed-shopping scene with Monica which is adorable and I love their love, the scene where Morse and Claudine discuss rain and sex because I like when Morse is happy, the exact way in which Thursday says "He's an idealist" in S6 finale Deguello as he's explaining why he can't get Morse to back off, and the scene after Fancy’s death, between Morse and Frazil because the way Morse says “he was 23″ and the look on Frazil’s face always brings tears to my eyes.

Favourite Musical Piece or Moment

I don’t really know? Despite the imporance of music in the show, I don’t really pay too much attention. I wish we had more of Morse’s singing. If I had to pick something I’d pick have Ein Deutches Requiem from Trove, but that’s mostly because I recognised it from when I sang it with my choir, and then I listened to (and hummed) the whole Requiem for about a month because of nostalgia and for the max Endeavour vibes it was giving me.

Also, I agree with wherehfoundtheporcupine; the theme tune. It’s so... wistful? I think? Just the association with the show I love, but also the soft beginning, swelling to that dramatic rolling melody and then the tender ending. Yeah. 

Favourite Cinematography/Imagery (season, ep, whatever)

Probably this shot from Ride:

(gif by @guardiansinferno​)

I’m also a big fan of the way Morse never looks at bodies for long, and he’s always angled away from them in groupshots. He can’t escape it, but he’ll never be comfortable around death, and turn away as soon as he can.

Favourite Ensemble Character that isn’t Morse

Win. I just love her. I love how Caroline O’Neill plays her. I love how gentle and kind and supportive and welcoming and caring she is. But I also love how she stands up for herself, how strong she must be, as we see in glimpses of her life as a policeman’s wife. She’s amazing.

Runner up for Bright, who I’ll be honest I didn’t like at first, but now even on rewatches is always a joy to behold. Look at that man. He got where he is by doing things by the book, but he’s slowly learning that sometimes justice trumps order, and that it’s the people that are important, not the laws.

Favourite One-episode Character

Probably Bettina Pettybon, bless her poor heart. She has such a huge arc in the one episode she’s in. I hope she’s out there living her best life.

Favourite Morse Look (season, ep, whatever)

Smiling (gif by @snappyjenkins​) The scarf (despite the negative connotations) also looks really good on him.

Runner up for this look (gif by @mykingackles​):

Biggest Disappointment

The unresolved plot with Joan Thursday. Actually, the confusing character development of Joan Thursday. I wish we knew more about her mindset after Coda, and after coming back. I wish they hadn’t done the will-they-won’t-they-no-of-course-they-won’t-cause-canon thing for so long. Now they both just seem wishy-washy.

Provide some Spicy Takes (on canon, fandom, anything)

I keep forgetting that Morse has a sister, and I think the show should cater to me in that regard and actually mention her every once in a while. Let him talk about calling his sister, or end an episode with him dialing her number or something if you can’t afford to get the actress back.  Actually, extrapolating from that I’m done with Endeavour - Lone Wolf. Let him make (and keep!) some friends, even outside the precinct. He’s a prickly bugger at the best of times, but even prickly buggers find soft pincushions to stick to. I don’t know where this metaphor is going, let’s get back on track - Morse is kind in his own way. He cares, almost too much sometimes. Give us someone who cares back. I miss the Monica seasons.

Free Space! (Make up something - anything - you want to share or say)

I haven’t given enough love to Dorothea Frazil in all the previous questions. She’s such a great character, we really should’ve gotten more from her. I love the dynamic she has with the main duo, the way she and Morse seem to always be on the same wavelength, and how antagonistic Thursday is towards her. I wonder if it’s because he’s so old-fashioned and she’s not having that patriarchal bullshit, or if it’s just because she’s a journalist. I should go back and add Game to my favourite episodes, just because of her scenes in that, and the way Morse doesn’t even have to say what happened to her protogé. Also the way Trewlove puts that asshat who underestimates her chess knowledge in his place. God this show has so many amazing moments.

I have the feeling this game is spreading like wildfire through the fandom, I’ve seen it on my dash a lot, but I’m going to tag @endeavourous​ and @snappyjenkins​ cause I don’t think I’ve seen theirs yet?

#itv endeavour #that took a long time to put together #such difficult questions! #but fun #fun to think about it so thoroughly #fun to review all the episodes again #endeavour

[justreputationnoexplanation]

I live under a roof they pay for so I'm still under thei4 roof even though I'm 2 hours away and maybe they can't hit me here but they can still control everything I do they control what I spend my groceries on and they ask half the time about what i bought I don't want them asking about it because anytime they can see any alcohol or anything they cant identify immediately it's a sign I'm like my father but I'm not. sometimes I just want to have a glass of wine or two with my dinner or sit with my friend and drink and watch football and it's not a thing but if I spend my money, if I spend their money, if I spend any money that they could see it's a problem because I'm a problem.

okay I'm drunk and I'm sad rn but ive been living under my mother's thumb and my mother's reign for what I knew was 2 years but I've been there my whole life and I fucking tired of her I'm tired of her asking every time I draw $20 out what am I doing with it maybe it's just something I don't want you to see maybe I'm just paying back a friend for something he gave me maybe I'm buying a vibrator you don't need to know what I'm doing I'm an adult you gave me this money is my allowance is my money for the month if this were a job I could do whatever f*** I wanted with this money and they couldn't ask me so why did you get to ask me why do you get to de side that the money that I get as my allowance as my spending money to only be sent bent as a grocery store. decide I can't deciee you know what I'd rather live off Ramen for this week and use a lift to bring my friend over so I can have genuine affection from someone who gives a f*** about me

why can I decide that why do you have to do it for me.

why do you hate me so much that you can't stand to see me happy why is it that I still love you after everything you've done to me even after you're why I tried to kill myself

why is it that I don't want a job because I know you're going to take that money from me so I can't be free from you

all I want is to be free from you.

i think i would rather live in a box or in someone basement and I could be free from you and what you doing but I can't

you think I break down crying about my dad a lot. See what you've done to me at least he is available to blame. him and his addiction that I can conceptualize that's that's mental illness

your just horrible never understand you don't even call me by the right name I'm not McKenna I haven't been McKenna since I was 13 this is still the name you is like I'm still 13 I'm like used to control me I'm 22 years old and I'm SINCLAIR

IM BEGGING YOU TO CALL ME BY MY RIGHT NAME. YOU CLAIM IT IS WOULDNT BE HARD FOR SOMEONE TRANS BUT I AM NONBINARY BUT I CANT TELL YOU THAT BECAUSR YOU CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF ITS ME

I have no idea what you want me to be I'm not sorry I wish I could just stop responding to that name because that hasn't been me it almost 10 years but you won't stop calling me that and I can't risk alienating you because I can't afford myself I've tried so I can't and instead of you supporting me I kept recording breakdowns over video memo on Tumblr or drunk to my boyfriend because at least they give a f*** about me sometimes but you don't it's obvious you don't I wish you still loved me still like I think you did once I don't know anymore cuz all I can look back here is what you did to me for years scream at me and I was a child I was 17 it wasn't my fault but it's like you blame me for it because the timing is right cuz that's when I left for college is when he started drinking again it wasn't my fault I didn't make him pick up that bottle it's like all that anger got pointed towards me I didn't do it but I'm still apologizing for mistakes that weren't mine I just wish you could love me again

#tw alcohol #tw abuse #its literally 5 am and im havign a breakdown because the only 2 people i know lobe me are still asleep anf im sitting here sobbing #i want to get away so bad but i cant becsue she conttolls everything #she being my mother

[deaddcool]

Hi all,

On October 5th 2017 my twin sister unexpectedly passed away. I was sat in my room, listening to the tap running in the bathroom in the room next door, wondering why the tap was still running after being on for twenty minutes. I got up to investigate and found my sister bent over in the tub, her skin purple and her body lifeless. It was then I realised she must of had a seizure and fell into the bath she was running. My sister had suffered from epilepsy all her life but I didn’t expect this to happen in a million years.

Ever since then I’ve been struggling with my mental health, having recurring nightmares about what I saw and unable to leave the past behind me. I fell into a deep depression, falling out of love with my hobbies and studies, and isolating myself from everyone.

This year, summer of 2019, one of my closest friends passed away unexpectedly too due to an infection from an operation she recently had. All that hard work of trying to improve my state of mind just dropped and I feel like I was back to square one. I even had to drop out of university because I was having constant mental breakdowns, and I feel like I had no one to turn to.

I decided to apply for counselling on the NHS, and after endless phone calls on trying to get the help I need, I was told that the waiting list was over 12 months to be seen.

I managed to find a private therapist who told me she could try EMDR with me, an Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing technique to work with distressing times in my life.

To me this sounds promising and I so badly want to give it ago, but the cost is £70 per hour which I cannot afford.

I cant ask my parents for the money, as I only live with my dad and he doesn’t work at all. I’m only on a 0 hour contract and I support my dad financially too so I have no way of paying for the help I need.

I’m at a crossroad now with how I’m feeling, and I really don’t want to go back to harming myself or worse. So I thought I would give this ago. Please, any donations would be extremely helpful and I was appreciative it so, so, so much!!

#fundraising #fundraiser #mental health #counselling #grieving #help #support #thank you #therapy #donations

[adultprivilege]

Adult Privilege is when the government makes housing laws discriminating against students

I'm going to walk you through my experience of trying to get house and financial support as a student and why my government has actually put laws in place that specifically discriminate against students. A bit of background first. We all know the typical student stereotype. Even where I'm from, where tuition is free, students still skate on the poverty line and some who can't work, like myself, are below it. My government likes to pretend that just because our tuition is paid and they give out a £4000 loan (most people get into like £30000 worth of debt just to live) every year that students are okay and that they have given them more than enough when this really isn't the case. The rent for my apartment is £900 a month for an unfurnished, 2 bedroom flat that has a leaky ceiling from the leaking roof, bugs that wont go away, single glazed windows, a broken security door and won't allow my cat. We were lucky to get this house, that's considered cheap. Its open plan and its tiny, and financial stress constantly eats away at me. I get no unemployment or housing support simply because I am a student. So then we got a 3rd person who could afford to pay a deposit on a new house and so the hunt was on for a 3 bedroom. A many months long hunt. Some landlords would refuse to speak to us and let us even view a house, apartment whatever because we were classed as more than 2 households. We all arent related to each other. My friend found a potential loophole in what is called the HMO law where he said he could simply say that the house we'd be renting wouldn't be his secondary residence, therefore he didn't count as a household. The government got back to us after an agency said that they wanted that in writing. Apparently you can do this ONLY if you are over 25 and not a student. Most people have graduated and earn a semi decent wage, at least national living wage here by the time they are 25. The government specifically says; The requirements for a property to be licensed as a HMO are governed by the Housing Act 2006. This Act provides (at section 125(4)) that living accommodation occupied during term time by a student is “to be treated as being that person’s only or main residence”. Any guidance on what is your main residence for tax purposes cannot change what is considered your main residence for the purposes of HMO. Accordingly, if any accommodation houses three or more unrelated students during term time, then that accommodation requires to be licensed as a HMO property. (Redacted) Constituency cannot relax any requirement set out in the legislation. What all that bullshit means is literally anyone, even people who have just gotten out of prison and are staying with a few 'buddies' can exploit that loophole but specifically students, who most likely young people, cant. So we arrive at today where my friend and I are actually getting married, I never thought my wedding day would have me marrying a man as I'm a lesbian and he is gay but I guess that means that this marriage will not lead to anything. Even then, fucking marriage. To get a house and a student loan to live off of that isn't based on my dad's income. Its so far to go just to live comfortably, its absolutely abyssmal that this is how far we actually have to go. You'd also have house listings of nice houses and flats near the university at an affordable price and then it would say: No DSS, No HMO, No students, no pets, family friendly, professionals can enquire. Some of them even required that you be over 21 or 25 to apply for a viewing which is ridiculous. And it just engrages me, full on enrages me when they say shit like that. "family friendly" yes because the nuclear family is the only kind of family people have. And when they say "family friendly" they mean immediate family, as in parents or brothers and sisters. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles unless they have custody over you and if you're over 18 they're not considered immediate family apparently because after you're 18 no one can be your legal guardian. But like... You're still not an adult though, so you don't deserve to get paid as much as a 'real' adult, making life more difficult. Its so disgusting and slimy. Everyone needs a home, a place to feel comfortable and safe and students and young people should not be expected to put up with over priced, shitty housing in loud city areas, not be allowed to have pets or eat a healthy diet or for go heating for electricity just because we're studying. We're studying to make their future better! They need to stop being so entitled and ungrateful. Ah yes we'll suffer through all your bullshit 'trials' and at the end work for you and benefitting you in the long run, because that's fucking fair isn't it. Young people, students, are the future. They are contributing to society, they will make the world a better place and benefit the entitled asses of the adults around them who fuck them over. We deserve respect, we deserve a living wage, we deserve financial support and deserve to feel comfortable and to make our own families as we choose. My friends are my family, they don't need to be blood related to me for me to call them that. They are there for me, they give me advice and help me out of binds that I am in. They care for me, they are there for me. Its a hell of a lot more than my dad has done for me in the past 9 years, but somehow he is more 'family' that my friends who bust their asses to make sure I'm okay. This has all got to stop its so fucking petty and ridiculous. Being a petty bitch is all well and good or whatever but when petty and ignorant people are in power they can actually make laws to specifically fuck people over. So many young people on the verge of homelessness and work so hard all because of dangerous stereotypes, ageist attitudes and this whole idea of the 'nuclear family'. These fucks are so backwards, their petty bullshit is literally fucking up their own future and I am simultaneously excited and terrified to see this seriously bite them in the ass. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[niishi]

hope it’s okay to ask, but what’s going on?

It's definitely okay to ask. Theres a lot of lies going on on their side but I'm more than willing to like, live stream my whole entire life bc I have nothing to hide. I'm a person who does my best to be my best, takes responsibility for myself, and puts efforts into others and coping. These two on the other hand.. about 8 months ago I added elliot on Facebook after not talking to him for over 2 years because we used to live together before and had a rough falling out. He messaged me right away and within a few messages said he was homeless and didnt know what to do. I told him that him and his boyfriend could come live with me bc I had fairly cheap bills and had the means to help at the time. I specifically said they could take some time to rest and get their heads together but eventually would have to help out financially. All I asked at the beginning was that they cleaned and bought food. About 5 months into living together I lost my food benifits and even though I was paying all of their bills, I started primarily buying my own food at that point. During this time, I let elliot, who doesnt have a license, drive my truck around so they could apply for jobs and do important stuff. Let's not forget to mention that he would take it without my permission and try to lie to me about it. I also drove them around, helped them find mental health resources, helped them find health care resources, helped them get housing resources, get on disability, etc etc. They had NO clue how to do any of this and I helped them through all of it. I lent them my nieces terrarium for their snake, lent them my snakes extra heat lamp and rock,. Supported them to the fullest extent of my ability. It took them 6 months to find a job. Elliot got a job at my work with my help and quit after a day by just not showing up. He did that with the second job that I also recommended him to. August steals from his job daily bc he cant afford to take care of his pets and has to steal their supplies(petsmart). After 6 months of no job and hardly any effort, I started to get upset and felt used. So I expressed that. I communicated and expressed everything whenever it was necessary bc apparently open communication was important to them but i found it odd that they never communicated with me and never expressed their concerns. At the 7th month of living with me, I witness both of them say that I make their lives a living hell and they have no support system. Forget the fact that my dad consistently gave me money to help support them. My grandma was going to let elliot borrow her car for his drive test and even offered to pay for his license, my mom giving me money to help with them etc.. all in Hope's that they'd do something with this opportunity. The reality is that they took advantage of all of this help and support, and once it wasnt available anymore, became revengeful and hateful and vindictive and blamed me for their situation. Let's not forget that they offered to taxidermy my sisters dead pet goat only to let it rot outside for 3 months and then threw it into an empty lot when they came over while I was at work and robbed me. I have never met people this self centered and this absorbed in their own fake reality in which someone can do literally everything for them and they still cant think about anyone else or have appreciation. I only wish that everyone has the natural instinctual sense to avoid these parasites and not be negatively effected by their existence. No one deserves knowing these two. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

[hendrix52kirk-blog]

What is the AVERAGE cost of surgery to fix a varicocele without insurance in the midwest?

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I will have work, nevertheless it does not include benefits. Can I purchase health insurance online? I mainly need a lowcost plan that would protect injuries. Cheers for almost any guidance!!" What is the AVERAGE cost of surgery to fix a varicocele without insurance in the midwest? I have a varicocele in my left testicle. I have no medical insurance. How much does this operation cost to fix it? I know it will vary, but i want to know the AVERAGE out of pocket cost. This is in a midwest state. Also, would doctors offer a payment option? I might suggest one to visit this web site where one can compare rates from the best companies: http://averageinsurancecost.xyz

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

#JudeJournals #jude shepard #tumblr diary #journal

[lokbobpop]

Afford

have enough money to pay for. provide or supply (an opportunity or facility).

late Old English geforthian, from ge- (prefix implying completeness) + forthian ‘to further’, from forth. The original sense was ‘promote, perform, accomplish’, later ‘manage, be in a position to do’.

Afford a ford, aff ord, a cord, at cord

Writing the word afford

Money comes up can i afford this i new this one was going to trigger all my money fears as I have loads and when ever i buy anything i think can i afford it today I bought a keyboard to go with my iPad because i do a lot of writing now and I wanted to make it easier when i got there and saw the price i was overcome with fear of spending the money it was a couple of hundred more than I expected and there was one cheaper than i thought and this sent me into a buzz of fear which i then used as an excuse not to buy something i went into fears of its to much and the cheap one might not be good enough for me what shall i do... i walked out the shop as i left i stopped slowed down and told myself you know the price its only fear here you will use this everyday for years so i turned round and went back in and bought it.

Why is everything so expensive why cant things always be cheap so i feel better whenever i buy something, this fear of money i have runs deep my family wasn’t of money when we were young but we weren’t poor then in my teens dad seems to be doing better but i found out later it was all borrowed money so it was a false sense doing well but where my real problem started was in 98 when we had an economic down fall and had no work we found ourselves in hk just married and pregnant and things went shit we went we got the point couldn’t pay bills couldn’t pay rent couldn’t buy food we ate rice this went on for years we would get cash now and then to get us buy but this changed my life for 6 years just getting by and I can’t get away now from the fear of not having money and spending it even now when we don’t have any money issues at all now but i still fear every time a buy anything i even waste money buying silly things on taobao and feel bad about it, this needs to stop i need to make money myself i need to contribute have my own money and feel ok about spending what i want.

Reading the word afford

What si afford really we always buy something we can’t afford well not all society is fucked with what they can afford and living off borrowed money my brother has always borrowed money all his life in debt when we were poor we just owed Chris’s drinking problems bills rent we never took a loan out we never borrowed id rather starve than borrow which is very stupid but we got by somehow. But millions of people are buying stuff with not there money but banks money and get themselves in big trouble they are trapped by the banks.

Out loud

We cant afford to make mistakes comes up like with environment no more mistakes we are at breaking point here we need to heal mend clean up our act.

A ford car comes to mind i don’t know just the sound i guess

I want to be free of the fear of money and I see the way earn my own money something i need to put in place when i get back spending Chris’s money makes me feel bad if it was my money i now see it would be much different.

Sf

Does this definition support me no so much fear around money but something good came through making my own money would help the guilt is mostly isnt not my money its time to earn my own money. And to see and live th so word totally in the negative as not once did it come up I can afford most things now money isn’t an option a problem ive only seen fear in this word not relief that I can afford most things all i wanted to look at was my lack of and fear.

Afford fjord inlet of water with step cliffs, can afford

Afford

To have the money for something you want

How will you live this word.

What can i afford and be happy with what im able to do and i will live the word happy content with being able to buy things i am privileged so what i do matters

I thinking living words round money of fearless practical happy content moved on balance its over now your ok when wanting to buy something i like will it make money do i need it.

[vanta-velouria]

I had a cold dose of reality last night.For a brief moment in my life i let my reality slip and thought maybe my world could be some semblance, some pieced together reflection of what other people lives are like. I for a small time stupidly thought i could have something to hope in, but hope is not a luxury afforded to people like me. 

I am a shit Buddhist, I am a very jealous person and i cant ever seem to let that go. I am jealous of everyone for everything. When I was a child I was jealous because everyone else I ever saw had a family. they had toys and easter bunnies. They had kisses on scraped knees and birthday candles. They had mommies and daddies who loved them. 

I had abuse. I had rape. I had violence and beatings, Eventually I didnt even have a mother because i was too pretty to be kept around her husbands so I got tossed away like rubbish. I was a problem and I was only good enough to come back for when I was old enough to raise her children, clean her home, get a job and pay her rent and her bills. 

while everyone else got sweet sixteens i was a seasoned sex worker with a full time job and three kids to take care of and bills to pay. while everyone else got to stay in high school and go on dates and go to parties, I got to go to work and get my ass beat and screamed at and reminded how worthless i was.

While everyone else got to go off to college and have friends and a social life, I fought my way to pay for college working two full time jobs and whoring myself on the side that maybe one day i could afford to stop having to struggle to just barely survive. I may have looked like i had a glamorous life in college, I modeled and had nice trinkets and sang in dive bars and coffee houses, but I over glamorize my recollections because it makes it easier to swallow. I modeled because it was extra money and would work around my other two jobs and school schedule and being yelled at and degraded for every imperfection on my body isnt something i would ever wish on anyone else. I had nice things and stupid toys, but they were gifts from the men i whored myself out to to pay for college, not presents from some one who loved me or anyone special and it rarely if ever made up for the things they did to me that guilted them into the stupid gifts! and I sang for spare change and whatever money i could make to try to e able to afford a meal every now and then. When you live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and you're poor, you will do whatever it takes to get something to eat once in a while. 

While everyone else got great memories I had reality.

 While everyone else had parents and family that went to their graduations, I had to beg and plead and pay my mother to come to mine of which she only came to one, just one, and only because i paid for her plain ticket and took her out to a fancy restaurant and took her shopping and gave her money and as soon as she was done in the city i gave her money for a plane ticket back to her home. I dont think she even actually went inside to watch me graduate from college. 

Wile the rest of the world gets their mommies and daddies to plan their weddings and walk them down the isles i didnt even get a response to my invitations. I never got to have a real wedding and nobody ever responded from my side. no one ever even looked at me when i was so happy to think maybe i would have someone who would stay with me and not hurt me anymore. nobody even noticed i was there. 

when I almost died and ended up in the hospital more times than i care to count, you think anyone ever showed up for me? you think anyone ever called? only once did i have a friend show up with my dad and that’s only because my dad lived with me and it was in his old car that i got hit and almost killed in. hell after that I never even had anyone come visit me. nobody could have cared any less. when my spine got demolished and i had to have emergency spinal surgery, do you think anyone gave a single shit? nope, I didnt even get but two weeks to recover from the surgery before i had to move and go immediately back to working two jobs to barely survive.

when i finally found a way to start transitioning, i thought maybe just maybe something good will get to happen to me and i can finally have one thing thats just for me in life. I was working two full time jobs and taking care of someone elses home and family at the same time and once again had to go back to sex work to buy groceries and maybe just maybe save a little here and there for my doctor appointments and my hormones. I went through hell just to afford to transition all the while being abused by my wife and the people we were staying with. only two find out after three years of working myself to death to try and even just accomplish this one thing, that i will never be able to physically transition. I wasted all that time and effort and money. the things i had to do to get that money.. all for nothing. while everyone else gets to have hormones and surgeries and even if they get misgendered they at least get support from a friend once in a while. i have always and will always be misgended every minute of everyday by everyone in my life save for three people, two of which i never get to talk anymore and one i only recently became reacquainted with. i will never get to look in the mirror and see anything other than this worthless piece of shit body that isnt good for anything except for other people to fuck once in a while when their drunk and im desperately hurting for money.

whenever my life falls apart do you think i have anyone in the entire world that i could call and ask for even a hug? because when my wife hurt me and left me 4 months ago and i had to live in my car, I tried. I begged everyone i knew to spend time with me and give me a hug. and when my wife finally left my home and I could stop being homeless I offered to pay anyone i knew a lot of money and buy them a plane ticket to just come and stay with me for a week and let me cry. not that I had many people to beg, but every single one turned me down so fast. I put an ad on craigslist and back page offering to pay anyone to just come and stay at my house so i wouldnt have to stay in my home alone. yeah that didnt end well for me and I should have known better, but god i was so tired of being all alone. 

while everyone else can thing of someone, anyone they can call when it all goes to shit, even if they think they have no one they do. they have a friend or a cousin they can go sleep on their couch or a parent they can go back home to even if they dont like the home situation they still at least have that option. 

when my wife was punching my face in i didnt even have friends to cry to or run to or stay with, nope the friend i thought i had took my wifes side and basically said i deserved it because i made my wife miserable by not giving her the life she had wanted. anyone else would have had somewhere to run to or someone to hug them.

I can in all honesty without a shadow of a doubt tell you that when the world falls apart i have never had anyone. not one person i could go to for a hug or a couch to crash on. not one place to call home and run to. and while everyone else gets to fuck it all up and fail and run away and lose themselves and find themselves and just breathe. I have never gotten that luxury, I was always the one everyone turned to, ran to, lived with, lived off of, used, abused, lied to and cheated on. I was always the one saving everyone else and keeping them from ever worrying or having to struggle. I was the one always giving everything up so that everyone else could have a better life. ive never had not one person in the whole world ever offer to give me even a day of peace. 

I will never get to break down, I will never get to fall or fail or run away like all of my exs and friends and everyone i know has. I will never know what its like to have a childhood or a birthday party, I will never know what its to have someone to run to and save me. I will never know what its like to be happy in my own body. i will never know what its like to not have to constantly work two jobs to just try to survive from all the debt and mess that my exs have all left me with when they all take off for fancier lives and richer people. I will never know what its like to have a family or even just a mom. I will never have anything. 

so while everyone else gets to gone on grand adventures and go to concerts and travel the world and have friends and go to clubs and go on dates and transition and have family they can visit and people who love them. while everyone else gets to fall apart sometimes. I will never know not one small faction of what any of that is like. 

that kind of life was never meant for someone like me. that kind of hope was never something i could ever even be allowed to dream of. I am not even a person. I am merely a body for others to use, to take from me what they need or want. money, time, love, sex, hopes and dreams i silently stowed away  knowing i could never have. i am just a thing for people to take everything they want from. and things arent allotted niceties such ad dreams and hope and places to run to. we are just things that exist to be used until we fall apart and are discarded for something better.

i forgot my place in the world for a while there. I have a boyfriend that was kind, even if he isnt in love with me. i have a friend who talks to me more than once every few months via text. i have my dogs and cats that let me cry on them when everyone else is asleep. i for the last few weeks have stupidly forgotten my place in the world and though that maybe, just maybe the univers was going to let me have a good thing. even if it was for long that maybe i could have a reason to wake up in the mornings aside from my obligation to my pets. I thought maybe i was finally going to have a reason to not want to die every minute of my life. 

but thaknfully i got reality checked and i was able to pull my head out of someone elses cloud, some one elses daydream. Thankfully i was reminded before i fell too deep into another persons heaven that things like day dreams and hope and love and friendship and kindness just arent meant for things like me. those are meant for people, not for me. I am just a thing to be used. I am not a person, never have been and never will be. 

For a moment last night i thought, what a dangerous thing it is to have no hope, to have nothing to believe in. what a dangerous thing that would be. if you have nothing than you have nothing to lose and nothing to keep you from running away and just cracking up and finally going mental and killing everyone you can in the world.. but then my dog woke up and shifted around and i was reminded that even though i have no hope, no dreams, nothing to keep me breathing for, I still have five little furry lives i am obligated to and responsible for. fucking exs always running away and leaving behind their responsibilities and pets for me to have to care for and give good lives to.

but my pets are all getting old now and ive bide my time this last almost decade and as much as i will miss their kindness and love, its only a matter of time before they all die and i will have nothing left to keep me here breathing for. it only a matter of time before i can end it all and have nothing left to stay around and suffer for. its only a matter of time before my tired, broken, used up body can finally have some peace.

im not even angry, im just grateful that i didnt forget my place for too long. because i think in all honesty i was wrong last night. not having hope isnt the most dangerous thing, having hope is. 

#personal #too damn long of a rant #im sorry guys... #i cant wait till i can finally just die

[didsomeonesayventus]

idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.

everything.

god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.

I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck  (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes)  eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.

I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.

I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself  gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.

I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.

I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.

but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.

god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out. 

I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.

im tired.

I’m just kinda here. 

I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.

#Katie rambles #negative #really negative guys you're not obligated to read this I just need to vent #it's 1:00 am. the usual time I fall asleep because I can't fucking fall asleep because I get home at 11pm #and then I'm stupid and turn on my computer and try to end my day nicely with fucking tumblr or whatever