#i can't make the slow realization of being in love with someone sound realistic

[lebbys-world]

Reality Check

Todoroki x gn!reader; pro-hero!au, some slightly graphic description of injury/death, angst to comfort, facing the realities of putting yourself in danger everyday

notes: i know this is a comfort blog, but i am a such a sucker for angst + esp in regards to how corrupt the superhuman society of mha is. so no relationship angst here !! just some good 'ol facing reality head-on with the love of your life !!

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Your throat was searing with a burning pain, lungs overwhelmed as the cool metal of a knife passed across the skin covering your trachea.

The shock hits you instantly, yet the world feels as if it’s suddenly in slow motion.

One second, you were being held up by a villain, beaten and bruised, convincing yourself you’d make it out of there just fine.

The next moment, there was that burning sensation, and the villain holding you up lets go, forcing your weak body to fall helplessly onto the ground.

It hits you the moment your body slammed against the ground.

You realize what happened in that moment, but somehow your brain can't string together the thought fully.

You can barely move.

You can barely speak.

You’re desperate to talk, to say something, but the only thing that comes out of your mouth is choked noises and blood.

Tears start streaming down your face, the overwhelming emotions only continuing to cut off your scarce breaths.

Your vision starts to become blurry, and you can feel your senses starting to numb.

The once booming screams and explosions now sounded so far away that you could barely register them.

You feel someone run over to you, lifting you slightly off the ground, trying to ask you something that you can't quite make out.

A cold hand is placed on your face.

Why is the hand wet?

Oh.

That’s right.

That’s the same hand that must have picked you up.

That hand must be covered in your own blood.

You’re dying, after all.

You wish you could clearly see the face of the person holding you so dearly, or hear the pleading words of reassurance coming out of their mouth. 

But everything was such a haze.

Your senses nulled.

All you hoped was that Shoto was still okay.

. . .

You jolted upwards, your breaths staggered, sweat dripping off your brow.

Your eyes took a moment to adjust to the dark room, as the adrenaline continued rushing through your veins.

The visions that had just flooded your head suddenly disappeared, but you could still feel the agony of them weighing down on your chest.

From your sudden movement, you had woken up your husband next to you.

“Hey love, take a deep breath. Everything’s alright.”

He slowly sat up next to you, putting his arm comfortingly on your back as he continued to calm you down.

“Nightmare, hm?”

“...Yeah.” You answered, leaning into his touch.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Mmm… not yet.”

“That’s okay.” He pulls you into his embrace, “we can talk about it later.”

You were used to nightmares stemming from work, but you'd never had one that felt quite this realistic.

Even though you were awake, safe in your home, in your own bed, your husband next to you, you just couldn't shake the sinking feeling the dream had left you with.

As Pro-Heroes, this sort of fate could be your reality someday.

That was something you had to face when you took on the job, but only on nights like these did the severity of it ever really hit you.

That fate could befall you someday.

You could die out there someday.

Or even worse, Shoto could.

At that thought, you held him tighter.

“Can we just stay like this for a little longer?” You asked into his chest.

“For however long you need.”

#the dream was actually based off the death of an old oc #i was looking for inspo and found some from an old snippet #shoto todoroki #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader #shoto x reader #shouto todoroki x reader #todoroki x y/n #shoto todoroki x y/n #bnha x reader #mha x reader

[princess-of-the-corner]

RWBY is really, REALLY good at queer romances, but my WORD the writers cannot write a convincing het relationship except by accident.

Jaune/Weiss: Weiss is completely uninterested in Jaune on account of him spending the first season and a half sexually harassing her, but the SECOND he's twice her age (and the same age as his voice actor, who also happens to be one of the head writers), she suddenly COMPLETELY forgets that she just lost her home and wants nothing more than to be his housewife.

Lie Ren/Nora Valkyrie: Lie Ren is HEAVILY coded as a aromantic, to the point that this couple's first kiss consisted of Nora forcing a kiss on him right after he blatantly said that he didn't want to discuss the possibility of a romantic relationship with her. While Nora learns in the next season that she shouldn't base her entire personality around being Ren's girlfriend, said season ALSO implied that the sexual assault was partially Ren's fault because he was too busy repressing his own feelings to realize he was in love with the girl who I honestly think he should just see as a sister at this point.

Blake Belladonna/Yang Xiao Long: One of the best slow burn romances I've ever seen, starting with Yang using "I want to help my sister make friends" as an excuse to flirt with the mysterious girl she laid eyes on five seconds after she tried and failed to force herself to be attracted to boys. Yang makes Blake feel safe, comforts her, unknowingly helps her realize that the way her ex-boyfriend treated her was wrong. They realistically work through their issues after their not-break-up in Volume 3 and awkward reunion in Volume 5's finale. They have the most romantic first kiss ever an in-universe day after Blake watched Yang fall to her apparent death and realized she didn't want to risk losing the chance to get her feelings off her chance. Yang can absolutely fake flirt when she wants to bait information out of someone but can't form a coherent system when Blake makes a mildly flirtatious comment.

Terra/Saphron: They're a reference to the island that produced the word "lesbian", and are a happily married couple with a beautiful baby boy. While extremely minor characters who've only appeared in a handful of episodes (and were only really important to the final arc of Volume 6), they are very much relationship goals with their limited screen time.

See what I mean? Without the context of the canon queer couples, you'd think it was EXTREMELY heteronormative based off of how the two official m/f couples are written, but NO! It's WEIRD!!!

I'm sorry Jaune/Weiss is a thing? Like. In Canon?

Sorry I just. I am nowhere near caught up with this show I only watched maybe the first volume and heard plot points by proxy but I did not think that was a genuine ship that sounds like a ship that is like a kinda side rarepair.

[keefwho]

August 17 - 2023 Thursday

1:08 PM

Sometimes I can't tell if I really don't want to journal because of the process or because no one is reading it or because I actually hate looking at myself. It's probably any of these reasons at different times. Lately I've become too aware of myself and my circumstances. I've also become aware of my actions and how often times they are driven by emotion and can be negatively guided. It's been painful not being able to accept who I am but I know this is an important step. I have to know what I truly am in order to steer myself somewhere else. I keep finding that there's always something else about myself that I've been avoiding.

4:41 PM

Im in an embarrassing place. I'm obsessing over wanting time with my bestie since she'll be at the beach all weekend. This only sucks because I've been doing a poor job exercising my individuality lately and caught myself leaning on her in a way that started to become unhealthy. Unhealthy in the sense that time with her was basically all I looked forward to because that time makes it easy for me to be myself and confront issues by talking to her about them. This weekend will be good though, it forces me to take some action for myself which is what I need. It's a good thing that in the recent past I have had some success being myself so I know what I'm looking for and I know how much it benefits my existence and relationships.

I don't like being someone without substance only able to echo back what people say to me. I want to be someone with thoughts and experiences I can openly express and find common ground with. I don't like being a drone.

I wish I could accept love more. Sometimes I stress out not being around her only because I feel like she is slipping away as my friend but that is my long held belief that everyone will leave me eventually. I know that if I could look at any relationship more realistically and realize some people aren't going anywhere, doing things on my own would be easier. I wouldn't be stuck thinking and worry about what I could be doing to make sure they stick around. I'd already know in my heart that they will.

9:11 PM

It's like my entire being wants me to sulk and sabotage everything. I'm drawn to put myself in bad positions, I think because as a child the good things I did didn't really get rewarded. I'd only get loving attention when something was wrong so that's still how I try to feed myself. It's a slow process accepting that it's much better to win affection in a constructive way rather than by tearing something down.

9:45 PM

It's time to go hard. I thought the exercises in my book seemed extreme because of their frequency but I have to try them. Its just so much but it's probably a good thing. I do have to go back and re-read a bit but I intend to follow the instructions to a tee because I have no better ideas. I'm hopeful I can brute force myself through this.

10:59 PM

Back to summarizing my day, I miss when I did it. It helped me remember and put into perspective the things I did.

This morning I played a little HOI4 while I made/ate leftover beef stew. I got to stream just about on time and did a nice warm up. I finished my friend's commission and then worked on another pic of mine.

I think it was during the stream that my bestie messaged me about how this guy she hooked up with didn't tell her he was with someone at the time and it's looking like he might have just used her for sex which is real shitty. I honestly struggle to remember too many details about this morning because I was thinking about this a lot today. I don't like that she had to learn this today and deal with the kinds of feelings that comes with. It really isn't fair that shitty people can take advantage of such wonderful individuals. I don't mean to sound white knight-ish but I truly do feel a sort of despair at this and I wish I could do something about it.

After stream I cleaned up some which consisted of folding my clothes, getting things out of the floor, and vacuuming a little bit. I also cleaned all the outside windows with this squeegee on a stick but it's falling apart so it didn't do a great job. I'll be getting my own to replace it.

I can't remember the stream I watched in the shower, I guess the shower in general was uneventful.

For lunch I made tuna spaghetti, my own personal recipe sort of. I unironically learned it from Henry's kitchen, just a can of tuna cooked with some angel hair pasta with some seasonings, mostly lemon pepper. I had strongly craved both tuna and pasta so that's why I made this, it's my second time doing it.

I cranked out another YCH despite having to get over a mental hurdle just to get started drawing anything. Apparently I did good because it sold for the autobuy price of $200 within a couple hours. I'm actually surprised and I think I'm learning what makes a good YCH. After that I worked a little bit more on that other drawing from this morning and a bit on my new world while spending time in my friend's server VC. I opened up a lot to him about my last bad trip getting high and my concerns regarding this weekend and myself in general. He got some words in too about his recent struggles. It felt good to open up like I did, especially to someone different. I think it's necessary for a healthy social life and I'd consider this an ounce of progress having been made.

I got in VR for a little bit and found this world straight out of an old barbie movie. The world was called "self reflect" so thats what I did. I laid down and enjoyed the scenery while trying to think about things a bit even though I've been trying to think about things less. It ended up being a good thing though because I was thinking about all the good things in my life and things I take for granted. I started to feel happy about a lot of things but I did have to exert effort to keep myself in that headspace. After a little bit, my other friend invited me to play Roblox so I joined him and his friends. It was a fun little time.

Dinner was chicken and fries as usual. I did some reading in my ACT book, jerked off, and now I'm about ready for bed.

#journal #diary

[jojoturnip]

Getting Feedback as a Writer is the best thing (examples provided)

Here's to my creative writing class! Professor = Kind of a mess, but the students were great, and I'm gonna miss having class with them. Super thankful for getting to know them (and I can't wait for us to continue sharing our stories). It means so much to me to hear from them about my writing, something I've really struggled to share for years.

In memory, mostly for myself, here is a compilation of some of my favorite pieces of (written) feedback I've received with 0 context for any of you:

"I’d definitely want my own clothes too."

"Feels real." (newsflash, it was)

"But damn, I sure as hell enjoyed it!!"

"The first many paragraphs I devoured, because your use of diction was so well-done-- not over done, but poetic in the implications that all your descriptions had."

"Holy shit."

"The root of you. All I can say is a 100% relate. My favorite part was the story you added into it. Instead of giving us just straight what you thought, you gave us a story to explain why you thought this was your root." (not me using stories to process my life...)

"The style of writing here feels more slow-paced and reflective, and full of emotions. You do a great job of conveying what the characters are feeling. Your descriptions seem to be very in-depth and elaborate."

"I can feel your conflicting emotions with your kindness. This whole segment had a very clear voice that was yours."

"I read your work a few days ago and the writing has still stuck with me."

"I really found myself immersed into the world you had created. ... I also like how vividly everything was described in the story. I feel like it could really be made into a movie."

"I love reading your writing and I really hope you publish your work someday."

"The biggest thing I noticed about your writing style is that it's so intentional. Every moment, movement, and detail plays a part in the bigger picture."

"I really wanted it to continue or read the whole book."

"You take your time and make sure that nothing is rushed"

"You also did a great job describing emotions, especially difficult ones like anxiety."

"I really enjoyed the concept of this story and I hope you keep writing it and then maybe share the finished novel somewhere!"

"This is GREAT. It reads super easy and I really was interested in reading the rest (even though I'm not a fantasy fan)"

"the TEABAG"

"Also, if I may be honest, it sounds a bit forced-poetic-Tumblr-2014 and doesn't do your writing justice at all, which is really effortlessly poetic most of the time."

"There's this mysterious aura to this piece, like there's a lot more to be said."

"I really liked that part of your novel, and I'd be interested in knowing when/if it will be published"

"We come to terms with ourselves and others, but never forget what people are capable of so we don't let them step on us over and over again."

"I never thought about this dimension, and it definitely made me think. I do think its very true that people that are always kind are infantilized, especially because we consider sadness, darkness, a certain "edge" to be part of being mature and growing up."

"Queen, this paragraph is so good."

"I don't think piece of shit and trash should be right next to each other. Seems a little redundant?"

"Stop this is so sad"

"I like this whole interaction. It feels realistic and educational without sounding forced, it's really good"

"I really feel her anger here. You did a really good job with making her very relatable and bringing her emotions to life."

"*poetry snaps*"

"Heart is breaking currently"

"I like this. It feels bittersweet because we clearly realize that she's a caring person, but she doesn't allow herself to support someone because she feels remorseful"

"Ugh love"

"I feel like I'm really inside your head at this moment."

"THESE ARE SO REAL. Because I know they actually are but they're such good specific details and I love it."

"The realization of this is *chef's kiss*"

The combination of these two, one right after the other: "You are too pure. Never think of that as a negative quality trait. It's who you are, and it's beautiful." & "UGH this line is so good. Literally makes the reader think exactly what I did ^^ and then immediately want to take it back. The emotions you are bringing out of me is so good."

"thats so awesome :D let us know when you publish it?!?!!" (no haha)

"First, thanks for sharing something so personal. I like how you write. You reflect how the buildup to a stressful conversation takes a toll on us - even if it's such a mundane task like serving food."

"I think you wrote about the internal struggle the character is going through really well! It feels nuanced."

"I really enjoyed all the psychology in your piece! I actually have a recommendation for you; Read The Yellow Wallpaper, it has a really similar feel to your piece!" (mmmm not my piece about butterfly stickers and CPS being related to the infamous The Yellow Wallpaper)

Just reading these all again has made me smile, laugh, and tear up. So glad I got to share some pieces of myself with these great people.

*A note to non-writers: if you have a writer in your life, and they share a piece of writing with you, that is literally them baring their raw soul to you. Take it, know that your interest, your questions, your feedback means more to them than anything.

#writing #writers #writing feedback #saving this so i can come back and read it again and again #this means so much to me #wish i could bring it all back to younger me #and be like look #people are reading your writing again! It wasn't you! #They're interested! They want to read more! #I'm going to get better at sharing my writing again. It's a scary promise #but one that I need to make. #so #future me who's reading through this again #remember that. #remember how it felt to laugh about it all over coffee and tea and freshly warmed muffins #I'm gonna take baby steps #but I'm gonna get there

[slutabed]

are you a troy-perspective community fic writer or an abed-perspective community fic writer 

#sound off in the comments and don't forget to rate review and subscribe #jk but I noticed lately if im totally stuck on a fic and it sucks but I can bang out a one shot in like a minute that might not be BETTER #but at least feels easier to write and sounds more like my natural writing voice #it's an abed-perspective fic #(like the one i can actually write is an abed fic) #(im bad at writing troy's perspective if it's him like Figuring Things Out) #i can't make the slow realization of being in love with someone sound realistic #i can only do Pining it's all i know

[lol-q]

There’s so many things I love about the show that I haven’t seen people give enough credit for and I want to go on a little ramble because people are focusing so much on what they don’t like vs. what they do. So here’s my list. Sorry for the grammatical errors 😬

I love that the lesbian main character is this sweet, innocent, big hearted young woman and not portrayed as a overly sexual fuckboi that hits on every woman. I love that Fatou is soft and gentle. More lesbian rep like that please

I love the soundtrack. It’s exactly the type of stuff I imagine Fatou would listen to and it’s not just the top 100 hit songs.

I love that they use the soundtrack as a way to connect to the plot line, like the lyrics to the song Fatou was listening to when she was on the rooftop said “And I hate to leave you feeling all alone.But your story cannot start until you've grown. You can find how to be OK on your own. I just can't be the one that makes you feel at home” which was a hint as to where the plot was going

^^ also the song playing during Kieu My and Fatou’s museum date

I love the little mannerisms Nhungi chooses to show as Kieu My. The happy little bounce she did in ep 1 when she called out Fatou’s name and when she subtly checked Fatou out by looking her up and down.

I love how their rooms show their individual personality so well. Like Fatou’s room in the beginning of the season was normal and then it became increasingly messy as the episodes moved forward, showing her stress and chaos in her life

I love the height difference between Fatou and her brother lol

I love when her brother and her were thinking of what to get their parents so they split the bill on a gift - a very subtle way of showing siblings interacting

I love when Fatou and Ismail interact cuz it’s so funny

I love the physics teachers speaking voice, he sounds like kermit the frog

I love fatou’s eyebrows. Idk it’s just so perfect. Give me tips plz

I love that the characters rewear clothing. And it’s not a show where every episode is a new outfit with new clothes. Very realistic and it always bothered me when teens on highschool on tv have new clothes every episode

I love that Fatou’s original bio on tinder was “wanna cuddle?”. I feel like that girl would rather cuddle with someone than win the lottery. She’s so soft (also why did it say she was 24 in ep 2 when she was on tinder lol)

I love that the show showed the struggles of coming from a bilingual family and being the only one that struggles to speak it. When fatou was talking to her grandparents with her brother and her brother had to translate for her and it was awkward af, I felt that. I’m the youngest in my family and I struggle to speak Tagalog so people have to translate for me sometimes and it sucks.

^^ I relate to fatou so much in that scene cuz the dynamic in my family is the same as Fatou’s. My parents lay off and let me and my brother do our thing unless there’s an indication we need their help. The only time I ever spoke about school with my family was when report cards would come and they would see my grades weren’t that good. I remember my mom seeing I had a D in middle school and automatically jumping to conclusiosn without letting me speak. My brother is academically successful and he would also try and get me to do more school stuff when I was younger. Like he would make me do math problems to help with my grades. So it’s all very relatable for me

I love when Fatou sings, her voice is so soft and smooth.

I love whenever Kieu My and fatou are flirting both so blatantly and yet so subtly. Like the tension is there but it’s still awkward despite how smooth they both try to be it’s so adorable

I love how Fatou and Kieu My are so confident flirting and talking to eachother through texting but when it’s irl it’s still awkward and new. It shows the reality of an actual relationship in the making. It’s not just a full head dive into “I love you”.

I love when they were at the table tennis bar place and Fatou was hyping up Ava when there were dudes looking at them and Ava did a fancy ass turn and smile. She’s so pretty

I love that Fatou’s problems were shown in subtle ways in the beginning with money. Counting money at her job and when she wa trying to pay for the drink at the bar. It was a small interaction but in real life it would cause a lot of stress and anxiety if money counting problems kept happening over and over again

I love Yara and Josh’s friendship. More platonic friendship between a male and a female please. Also more Yara in general please.

I love that Zoe owned up to her actions last year to the entire group (minus Ismail Constantine and Kieu my) on New Years. I see her owning up to the role as Nora’s big sister.

I love when Josh was drinking a lot during New Years and Fatou was trying to get him to slow down. It shows how big her heart is for her friends. Also I think Josh and Fatou could be great friends

I love that Kieu My looks at Fatou like she hung the stars. When Fatou mentioned she knew Kieu My was a Scorpio, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen that girl smiled so big (before episode 5 of course)

I love that whenever they kiss Kieu my is smiling.

I love Sira’s side profile. There I said it. Girl has the jawline of a Greek goddess.

I love that they change Fatou’s hair. She looks good in every hair style but it’s always nice to see her in different styles.

I love that they showed the struggles of being a passive and gentle person. Because we’re not assertive in regular everyday life we are easily looked over. And it’s hard for us to muster the gusto to be assertive and take what we need because we prefer shying away from conflict and just letting things flow. I relate to fatou’s character so much in that sense. I lowkey think this is the universe’s way of telling me to stop being so passive about life and to take charge idk.

I love that the topic of white savior and performative activism was touched on. And I love that it was between two friends because it’s very realistic to how dynamics work between young people these days. The way they handle it differs in opinion but the fact that they even spoke about it was great.

I love that moment when Kieu My wrapped the vietnamese pancake in the lettuce snd handed it to Fatou. Its so sweet. If I was Fatou I would have forgiven her right then and there lol

I LOVE THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWo. YES MORE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE.

Episode 6. Just all of it. Even the angsty part. I want more of that. Episode 6 yes. I’ll marry episode 6

Kieu My wearing Fatou’s cardigan. 💕💕💕💕💕💕✨✨✨✨✨😫😫💕✨✨🥺

^^ but also as a person that tried bangs before, you can’t tell me that girl woke up with her bangs perfectly in place lol. This girl probably bought a mini straightener or something too

Fatou telling Kieu My it doesn’t matter if she wears make up or not rather than going off on how she looks prettier without it. She’s just like “it doesn’t matter. You’re pretty no matter what, my little space nerd”

Pissed off fatou is a hot fatou. Js

I love Sira’s acting in general. But the way she shows Fatou’s sadness is great. It’s not just tears and that’s it. When she got fired it was a build up of tears but she wasn’t sobbing, same thing with the cashqueens argument. But she broke when her and Kieu My got in a fight.

Finn being socially awkward. It’s so funny cuz Zoe is this bubbly party girl and her boyfriend is so awkward. Nice balance.

^^also his hair makes me laugh idk why

Ismail opening up to Fatou shows how so many people feel at ease with her. Girl has a calming presence for everybody, she doesn’t even realize how much she’s helped others.

I love that Constantine wears the same jacket over and over again. Idk it seems to fit his character.

^^also kudos to the actor who plays him, he’s doing an amazing job

Love Fatou. Love her dimples and her soft voice. She gets all high pitched when she’s normally speaking but when she was fighting with Kieu My her voice became lower. Just love the way Sira’s voice sounds. Also Nhungi’s speaking voice.

Love the shaky camera movements. The fast pans and the slow motion dance scenes.

Love the aesthetic of Kieu My smoking but PLEASE DONT SMOKE, CHILDREN. ITS BAD FOR YOU.

Love the different aesthetics of the cashqueens

Love maike. Great actress. Give this turtle an Oscar.

Love Kieu My climbing the roof to help her Fatou. Softie to her girlfriend but an ice queen to the world lol.

Love the actors. Love the characters. It just makes me so happy.

This is so well written, i might actually cry no but really it was really nice to read your positive and cuteee facts after the tag check :/ and it really helped because i get mad and sad when i see bad takes. Everything you said was so true and i think im fangirling over this essay. And it made me emotional 👉👈.  Represantation does really matter.

This season is so important for so many people and i don’t think some people realize that when they’re ‘’criticizing’’ some things. Not only we have a lesbian main, we have a black lesbian main who is the softest person in the world and she has LD and/or ADHD. I sometimes can’t believe we got to the point of skamverse where we get rep instead of hurtful,problematic seasons and plots, some might interpret that as shade but it really isn’t, careless storylines really does hurt ppl and why would you want to hurt people when you can give 8 min of sapphic museum date instead 👭🌌 :)

i love this season, i love this gen and i love this essay

#no but i could go one by one and talk about everything you numbered #but im not gonna for the sake of other ppl #because everyone hates long post #people were really so cute in my asks today instead of defending constantin so that was nice👍 #i do the others later #but this was so cute stopppp #shut up about my grammer!! #do not talk about my grammer #druck #ask

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 13

first time readers click here 💖

TWs/Summary: In this house, we ship Reader/Tony's Rolls-Royce. Reader and Tony being dorks on a date. That's it that's the chapter. Lots of sass and Tony being Tony.

A question for my readers: Are you still invested? How's the slow burn? Is everything realistic? 👉🏻👈🏻🥺

As usual, my beta is @miscmarvelwritings . I love her.

"Nice digs, Cupcake."

"Nice ride, Tin Man."

The sass fell from my lips, warm and familiar, paving the way for our upcoming debut like the old, soft living room rug. Any awkwardness I had expected there to be left the moment I saw Tony pull up to my front gate in his Royce: the man was just that extra. The size of my estate, the five-figure outfit of mine - it paled in comparison to his own clout. 

In a world where my choices were usually distributed between stuck-up rich boys or insecure middle-class men, Tony was a fresh drink of water with his absolute indifference towards my and his own net worth.

I wasn't afraid to admire said ride, either. Being a huge petrolhead was what got me interested in engineering, physics and computer sciences in the first place. The desire for speed grew into thirst for knowledge: how to get more horsepower, how to tune, how to mod. No mechanic took an eighteen year old rich-girl seriously even when I had all the lingo right, I had to be a step ahead, at all times, if I wanted my ride to be the best. And I never settled for less than that.

"No driver?" I inquired for the reason behind the unusual behaviour. After all, a Rolls' wasn't the kind of car you drive personally. All the amenities it had, it had in the back.

"Gave Happy a day off," Tony remarked absently. I noticed the small quirk of his eyebrow, however. He was intrigued.

I decided to give it a shot. "So what, this thing packs, what, about five-fifty horses?" I mused, watching Tony nearly swerve into the opposite lane. "At two and a half tons, it's still gotta be pretty quick with that V12-turbo. How fast it go?" The satisfaction was immeasurable, as pleasant to my soul as sitting in a heated leather chair with the smell of a new car, engine quietly rumbling in front of me. And by quietly I mean, it was focus-or-you'll-miss-it kind of quiet.

"Well aren't you full of surprises, baby girl," Tony grinned; a happy, excited grin even. It made his face lose ten years of age just like that. "Zero to sixty in five and a half seconds," He said after a moment. 

"Not bad," I said, sounding impressed. I already knew that but I wasn't planning on robbing Tony out of well deserved praise for his choice in vehicles. 

"Got a ride of your own?" He asked with a smile, like he didn't know it already. No background check would have skipped my three speeding tickets, but I concur. This game was fun.

"I do, actually. It's a 2008 Range Rover. Supercharged," I added in the end, just to emphasise.

"A big car for such a little girl," Tony whistled playfully.

"I'm compensating," I deadpanned. "I'm a little slow on the uptake, y'know, so my Rangie with five hundred horses makes up for it. Gotta keep it balanced."

Tony chewed on his lip. "Five hundred? Haven't heard about that, it comes with three-ninety-five in stock," His eyebrow wiggled. "Tuned it?" He cast me a contemplative glance.

"Yup," I exclaimed happily. As far as the date, I would have been utterly ecstatic to talk about cars all evening. Screw the boring "where do you see yourself in five years" questions, talk to me about your favourite engine swaps. Concept cars, give me those. Monster trucks? Yes, please. Vintage low-riders? Couldn't wait to get my grubby little hands on one. Gimmee!

Tony kept his silence and kept his press smile starting the moment we set foot on getting out of the car. The place he'd taken me to was ridiculously upscale and fancy; the valet hesitated only for a second before catching the keys Tony so carelessly tossed in his direction. There was almost no fear in his body language when the boy approached the massive, expensive vehicle.

The hostess smiled big at Tony and gave me the world's biggest stink-eye when he looked the other way but what else is new? As soon as she left us in the privacy of our booth, I didn't hesitate to stick my tongue at her retreating back. A brief lapse in maturity, if you will.

Tony cackled, growing suddenly serious. "Did she bother you? I can get her fired. I should get her fired."

"Nah," I shrugged. "Don't really care, just wanted to showcase my amazing sense of humour." Snorting, I gave Tony a wink and a secretive grin.

"You really don't give a fuck, do you," His eyebrows twitched again, a sign of mild interest that I noted during our routine sciencing time together. Tony was incredibly expressive if one took the time to observe.

"I could suck your dick under the table right now," I answered honestly. "It's just that when God gave out things like dignity and shame, I wasn't home. Too many fun things to do, y'know," I spoke as casually as I could even though I was dying of laughter inside.

Eyes bulging, jaw hanging mid-way to the floor. Tony was serving Looks™ and I didn't mean just the white tee and purple blazer combo. "Princess, you're going to be the fucking death of me!" He took a sip from his water glass, smirking.

Finally releasing my mirth, I gathered my hands in a lock in front of me. His own, warm and calloused, reached over - I allowed the brief intimacy, clasping them, fiddling with the leather band of his watch. For a moment, it was just us, sitting in the dim light, discovering each other anew to Robert Johnson singing the blues and NYC bustling with life just behind the wall. 

The waiter took our orders - and if I totally butchered the Italian, Tony was gentleman enough not to make any remarks. 

"Somehow, every time I am with you, you both manage to meet my expectations to a T and surprise me at the same time," I wasn't able to completely ignore my nerves. My hand was still loosely in his and he didn't mind at all, me messing with his watch.

"How so?"

"I'm going to loosely quote someone, bear with me." Mr Davies's words popped into my mind just as I was wondering how to best articulate my feelings. "You're eccentric and interesting because it's, well, it's you, because it would be much weirder if we'd be sitting here and making boring small-talk and asking each other the genetic get-to-know-you questions," I briefly paused to sip my Dom Peringon and stare at our hands. Gathering my wits. "That would be why I don't do dates. It sounds so tedious on paper, just sorting through people until a person that's not absolutely mind-numbing comes around."

Tony was silent for a moment, the sheen of his eyes, the faraway look; he was lost in memories. Probably remembering all the girls he had charmed before. I didn't doubt it was easy for him: his smile was distracting and people usually were attracted to shiny things. He shone plenty. Also, most people were stupid, they never cared to look past the golden wrapper. I was convinced there was a diamond under it. But then again, I was biased.

"I've never thought about it that way, but I guess you're right," He finally said, serious. "With Pepper, at least, it was. Come to think of it, we never had that much in common, besides Stark Industries and her willingness to put up with my shit." It was painful for him to talk about her, that much was obvious. His laugh was forced and sardonic.

I, on the other hand, never understood why they got together in the first place. Or maybe I did - but the cold, composed Pepper and the chaotic, energetic Tony reminded me too much of my own parents. All four people in this fucked up equation could have been much happier if they choose... What? Being alone? That was terrifying, too.

I kept quiet, giving his hands a gentle squeeze.

"You know, this is so bizarre. Even an eighteen year old kid has got it figured out," He suddenly said, his tone bitter like the coffee that he loved.

"Woah, slow down," I put up a hand. "I never said I know what to do. I just said I know what NOT to do." The 'kid' remark would have made me eye-roll so hard my skull would crack any day. In this context, however, it was pretty spot on.

Tony snorted. "And how did you come by that information, pray tell, Baby?"

I huffed. "Have you met my parents?" We simultaneously cringed and I hurried to erase that mental image. "I make fun of myself for being into old dudes all the time," I made air quotes around the phrase that made Tony scoff, "But, honestly speaking, I've never even been on a date. Like a real one. Usually it's twenty minutes and I'm falling asleep mid-conversation. People can't seem to keep up with me or something," I felt genuinely dejected. "So many meaningless questions, so many downright idiotic comments. From men," I pointed out the obvious. "My mother used to tell me she thought I was gay because I didn't act like a girl... Whatever that means."

"That sounds pretty shitty," Tony was studying me like one would have been looking at an exotic animal in a zoo. "That said, I agree."

"That I don't act like a girl?" I teased him, the left corner of my mouth tilting upward. "Fuck that noise. I want to drive fast cars, drink straight liquor and have orgasms. If that makes me a dude... I look pretty good for a dude in a dress."

We laughed in unison, tension evaporating under the shared, mutual understanding. With Tony, it was easy. The waiter brought our selected dishes. Blink-and-he's-gone. Top notch service.

"A dude in a dress, can't say I'm surprised 'bout your lack of dates," He remarked conversationally, happily digging into his food. The noises he made were intriguing, to say the least, and I followed suit on my own food, finding it absolutely delicious. A delicious meal with a delicious man at my side. I refused to feel guilty about my thoughts.

"I guess I have exactly one (1) date on my ledger now," I raised my argument.

The fork clattered as Tony once again, came to a sudden realization. "Holy shit, you weren't kidding."

"No shit," I gave into the urge to roll my eyes. "But on the upside, my first date was with the most gorgeous, intelligent and witty bachelor of the city. I'd say I don't have it all that bad," I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Aw, you're making me blush," Tony recovered quickly, grinning. "And don't be shy. The most desired bachelor of the country, if not the world."

I shook my head. "No, the world's most delectable bachelor is one of the Saudi princes. What's-his-name, the one who posts goat and horse pics on Insta," I snapped my fingers a couple of times, trying to remember the name as Tony looked at me all offended. "Anyways, you get my point. I could have a go at him, don't you think?" Cocking my shoulder, coyly twirling the strap of my dress, I gave Tony my best come-hither look and was rewarded with an appreciative once-over. His eyes were growing hungry again. 

"You're a million dollar baby," He finally said, voice low. "And the extent of people I would be willing to share you with is very small."

That got me interested, sudden heat prickling underneath my skin. The conversation took a turn I didn't expect it to; and there lied the delight of being around Tony. He was always ready to surprise, in the best way. "Tell me," I requested politely.

"That's a conversation for another time," He was enjoying the chit-chat, desire beginning to creep into his features.

"Mmm, you think?" I allowed the strap of my dress to slip down my shoulder, exposing a collarbone, showing him just how far I was willing to go to satisfy my curiosity.

He swallowed audibly. "I think... You're smart enough to figure it out," He finally gritted his teeth, finishing off his dinner and immediately calling for the check. 

I wasn't done yet, however. The possibility of riling him up, taunting him into a lustful frenzy - I was in heaven. Karma had favoured me that evening, it had given me a chance to get Tony back for all the times he unknowingly made my mouth water and my brain go blip. "Must be Steve then," I bit my lip in thought. 

Honestly? I was as clueless as the couple next table over. Steve it wasn't, that much I knew for sure, he and Tony had their little love/hate dramatic connection that always ended in a massive ego standoff. Tony would be on the frontline fighting against Steve if the blonde dared to show anything even remotely resembling romantic interest towards someone Tony himself had his eyes on.

"Princess," Tony growled, sarcastically raising an eyebrow.

"Not Steve," I replied, cracking a smile. Success! "You know, I'm really bad at guessing who's into me. Unless someone is balls deep in me," My face was mere inches away as we quickly shrugged on our coats. "And even then, I can't be sure."

My giggling was accompanied by Tony shaking his head in exasperated fashion; he took my hand nonetheless and I happily swayed it between us, poster child for "not a care in the world". He allowed it, maintaining the same exasperated air about him, and I let him. Fondness and happiness seeped through that anyways.

"Brat," His voice was kind. And his kiss tingled where he left it on the corner of my mouth, sweet and short. "Here, have a go," Before I could react, the keys to his Rolls Royce were placed in my palm and he was making his way around the car to the passenger's side.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway (it finally let me tag you)! @softie-socks @schemefrenzy

#tony stark x reader #tony stark x you #tony stark x y/n #bruce banner x reader #bruce banner x you #bruce banner x y/n #stephen strange x reader #stephen strange x y/n #stephen strange x you #party favours #bun writes

[dreamiesdotcom]

complicated (slow spin-off) | z.cl, h.rj

Summary: Think of heartbeat, only a little faster. And more demanding. Afraid? Hurt? In love? How different are they supposed to feel? Free fall. Stardust. Rose. "Perhaps, everyone just falls in love with their best friend," Renjun drawls out, "Even just a little bit, from time to time."

Word Count: 2.9k

All Renjun ever wanted was peace, an alien friend, and a book that hits him right in the gut.

The thing Jaemin does where he's hopelessly in love? None of that — they're almost always falling for each other in such different times that they never align, and when they do overlap, one's feelings is already dying down.

The thing that Jisung does where he looks at Jaemin like he's terrified? Terrified because of how much he loves him in the way he shouldn't? Yeah, Renjun wants none of that as well.

Chenle, too — this boy, how Renjun doesn't want to feel whatever hell it is Chenle goes through every day.

Watching the boy you adore, who happens to be your best friend, fall in love with your other best friend who's in love with your other best friend just sounds like an experience he doesn't want to have. Pining is one thing. Pining this aimlessly is another.

Looking through a classmate's camera as he finds the shot the other asked him to look for? A whole new level of complicated feelings and friendships and he doesn't even want to know. They have a project and that's about his business — so he doesn't judge nor pry, but he chuckles, "Jeno-ssi, did you give me the wrong camera, or am I only supposed to see candids of Donghyuck?"

Jeno blushes red, stutters an apology. He fiddles with his gadget a bit, messing with cards. For the meanwhile, Renjun decides to go and buy coffee for the both of them. It's trouble, really, since he already can't feel his legs from sitting so long but then it might be for the better.

It's less of a drag from when the other sweetly mutters a thank you, and it's a pity that Renjun didn't really get to focus on that.

"Hey, you're welcome and sorry to interrupt you but... Jeno?" he squints at the street outside. He carefully, slowly, sits back down on his chair and gets a clearer view — he can't believe the sight in front of him. He calls the other again, "Am I seeing this wrong, or is that Lee Donghyuck?"

Jeno raises a brow and looks to the side, the park opposite the store they're sitting at — certainly, at 3 a.m in the morning, the boy at question is there. He's walking past streetlights, a cup of coffee in his hands, and now he just sat at the swings.

Now, Renjun isn't his friend; he's not interested in him one bit, but he's not blind either. At one glance he knows that Jeno likes Hyuck, and at one glance, he knows that the person at the park is definitely the said boy.

Again, that's not his business, but that's also not what he's looking at.

Lee Donghyuck seems to be giggling, the brightest smile on his face as he gently swings — only he's not alone. He's with a very familiar person, one of Renjun's best friends, the subject of Na Jaemin's love.

"Uh. Yeah," Jeno nods, turning his head back to his laptop one beat late. He hands Renjun the camera, this time with the appropriate card. Renjun doesn't miss the dull sparkle in his eyes as he forces out a laugh, "Let's get back to work?"

They're not particularly close friends, so Jeno's feelings are not his business; he doesn't think he should even know about it, but hey, it's either that he wasn't so discreet or that Renjun's just observant — it's not his fault that he hesitates a bit, especially when Jeno blinks away his tears like that.

He doesn't want to make it awkward, still, so he nods.

Questions flood his mind as they work silently, questions much like 'Why do people do this to themselves? Of all the people you'd fall for, why your best friend? Is it because you're always close? Is it the mutual understanding?' He doesn't understand at all — looking at Jeno, he's really, well, an elegant person. Not to mention, kind as well. To be realistic, most people fall in love with looks at first so no doubt people adore Jeno, and yet... yet he's here, waiting on a possibly unreturned affection.

But then to consider, Jisung is stunning. That didn't make Jaemin love him the same way. What the hell is this mess?

"It's already 4:30, so what do you say we head home now?" Jeno proposes, and he snaps out of his stupor. Renjun absentmindedly nods.

They walk side by side in peaceful quiet until they part to the direction of their own homes. Before he reaches his, he remembers the pictures from Jeno's camera: snapshots of Donghyuck's sweet smile occupies the camera's memory — one where he's dressed up as an angel, one where his eyelids glimmer of gold eyeshadow and glitters, many of where he's laughing and not looking at Jeno's direction. Some of where he's wistfully staring at his phone.

It kind of reminds him of Jaemin to Y/N, or Jisung to Jaemin, or Chenle to Jisung. Now, whenever he looks at lines that never meet, he'd think of Jeno and Donghyuck as well — because Jeno doesn't need to say it, but his eyes do the work for him. Renjun doesn't need words to figure out that Jeno's in love.

Renjun worries about him a little.

####

Whenever something intriguing happens, he's almost always accidentally there — back then, when he and Jeno saw Hyuck and Y/N, and now, standing a few meters away from Chenle and Jisung.

He doesn't understand — all he wanted was peace, an alien friend, and a book that hits him right in the gut. Watching his friends do this thing they're so bad at is easily not something he signed up for.

He could look away. He could turn and walk the other way since obviously, Jisung and Chenle would feel awkward if they realized he's there, but then he heard it. Chenle's question. It makes his heart miss a beat.

"How many times are you gonna keep on breaking your heart?"

Renjun furrows his brow. Could Chenle even answer his own question? It's all too ironic. It's none of his business, but it's all too ironic.

He realizes at that incredibly strange moment that Jisung and Chenle appeared like a movie scene, or a drama, whatever works. Something in the way they stand in front of each other is oddly pleasing, an aesthetic so hard to get enough of. If not for the anguish in Jisung's eyes as he falls on Chenle's arms, Renjun would say that it's the perfect sight.

Before all of that, Jisung had smiled and answered the other's question: "How many times can your heart break for the person you love?"

Chenle only stretched his arms as a reply, an invitation for a consoling hug. "Never too much," he wanted to say.

Renjun could see.

How in the world they don't notice him there, Renjun doesn't know. By now, he figures he should be used to his friends being dense. He means, well, they had these feelings for each other for as long as he can remember and if Huang Renjun, Mr. It's-None-Of-My-Business-So-I-Didn't-Know, noticed whatever the hell this mess is, surely they should've known long ago, right?

Chenle stands there alone. Jisung must've left earlier during the time he spent spacing out. He stands behind the other, a reasonable distance away so he still doesn't figure out he's there. He waits for him to resume walking; for five minutes, he doesn't. Renjun makes himself known by rushing and cheerily slinging an arm on the other boy.

"Hey, Zhong Chenle, whatever it is you've been doing these days, how did it go?"

"Same old, I'm amazing," he airily says, startled but comforted at the knowledge that it's a friend and not someone trying to kill him. "Haechan hyung wrote a song. I'm certain it's for Y/N."

"Really? That's sweet," Renjun can just begin to imagine the blush at that friend's cheeks if Donghyuck decides to sing the song on the school showcase. It should be a fun night for them! Jisung is performing, Chenle too, Jaemin as well... his smile dies down a little at the other's name.

"But... Jaemin, though."

It's something he shouldn't know — pretty sure Jaemin thinks nobody knows about his feelings, but then again, how can he hide anything from anyone when he looks at that person with hearts for eyes?

"Yeah. I'm worried for Jaemin hyung and Jisung," the younger wistfully sighs, tugging the other to walk on his pace. He sighs again. "You know how he is."

"I do. In fact, I'm worried about all of you," Renjun hums. Chenle raises a brow, but Renjun makes note of the split-second panic in the younger's mask of faux confidence. Renjun smiles, "I'm worried about you, Chenle-ah."

He makes an odd sound aiming at nonchalance, and it scares him how natural he sounded as he fakes a laugh. He slings an arm on Renjun, making them walk the opposite direction of where they should be going, "You've been working hard and you're saying nonsense now. Let me just treat you ice cream — trust me, hyung, you need it."

The older of the two sighs and decides to let it go. Before that, though, Chenle smiled at him and shook his head, "What's there to worry about me?"

Internally, Renjun wanted to pull him into a hug. In his mind, he'd held his friend and answered, the heartbreak you feel in silence.

###

Back then, Jaemin told Renjun something very interesting — something about the way he glances at people.

As an example, Jaemin had said then that Renjun looks at Y/N like he does to his favorite book, full with wonder — Do you know how loved you are? How many people love you... how many hearts broke for you... how beautiful and conflicted you are — and well, he agrees. He does feel like that.

Jaemin said Renjun looked at both him and Jisung like twin stars, as if the world is never correct unless they're side by side. One is always beside the other, even when one is shrouded behind clouds.

Secretly, Renjun disagreed: he feels like he looks at them like a scene that was supposed to be but never was. An accidental masterpiece that never occurred because the artist was too careful.

Jaemin said Renjun looked at his almost acquaintance Jeno with a strange kind of familiarity, like they knew each other for several lifetimes but never dared to actually get to know each other; he stared at him as if they were identical. As if somewhere in the boy with hopeless love beating in his heart is a part he relates to.

But Chenle... Jaemin said he looked at Chenle like his heart broke. He didn't go into detail, he refused to, and it left him confused.

A year, seven months, and two weeks from that event, Renjun realizes just why, and he figures out that after all, most things in life are not a choice. Maybe that's why people continue to adore hopeless cases.

All Renjun ever wanted was peace, an alien friend, and a book that hits him right in the gut. He never asked to realize that all those years, he refused to acknowledge something, a big part of him. He never asked to be one of those people who couldn't control their feelings.

"You were a dream that shined brightly above me..." Renjun reads, the words more saccharine and dreamy when it's spoken in his voice, "and just like the fate of a gazer and a star, you are so far from my reach. But still, you've had me at first sight, and all I wanted was for gravity to let me fall from Earth and then into your hold— this doesn't even make sense."

"Yeah, but only because you skipped to that chapter, dummy." Chenle grumbles, stealing back his book, "These are references. They're referencing to the past events you didn't get to read."

"Yeah, but still. It's unrequited love." Renjun answers, "It's way too complicated for me."

The wind blows, an addition to the cold lingering in the air. Jaemin isn't present tonight as he's dealing with the consequences of procrastinating essays for weeks, so naturally, his best friend Y/N should be there too. Renjun wishes no heartbreak to his pure, lovesick heart — something in him knows that it's where everything will lead to, but he hopes it'll go easy on him. Jaemin deserved the world, none of the painful side of it.

Jisung didn't come today, too. He's busy with his performance, perfecting every snap and every turn, every single move that completes his routine. Maybe it's a diversion for him. Renjun prays he doesn't overwork himself, and he hopes the younger doesn't go harsh on himself, he hopes he doesn't beat himself up for falling for someone who was too busy hoping to catch somebody else.

Jisung deserved the world, as well. All of his friends did. Renjun finds himself quickly growing fond of them all from their most lovable traits down to their unnoticeable flaws. He loves them all each a different way, all with the same intensity.

This one, though. This one might just be a little too special.

A deep frown leaves him as he decides to lay down the grass he's previously been sitting on, and Chenle bemusedly laughs, a small sound compared to his usual.

"You're smart. That's why everything is way too complicated for you."

And it's there again, the longing in his gaze, the one Renjun knows is for someone else. The omnipresent feeling of telltale heartache signs floats around him like lustrous fireballs, but the boy beside him seems iridescent, each a different color on every side. If Renjun closes his eyes long enough, he could just imagine himself having control and not fading at the sight of every view.

"You know, don't you?" Chenle asks, turning his head away from the other and staring up at the sky instead. He compares to an epic painting. "I'm in love with Jisung."

"And Jisung is in love with Jaemin, Jaemin who is in love with Y/N," he adds in affirmation, knowing it's what Chenle wants to hear but his mind is far away from being lucid to that thought.

In his mind, he adds, but me? Do you know that I'm in love with you? He shakes that thought away, "I know. I know you guys, and it's not hard to see."

Carefully, Renjun adds, "The words each of you refuse to say... they're in your eyes. All the time."

With him laying down like this, the other resembles the Little Prince from the book Renjun always loved. His blonde hair sways with the wind and the things it does to Renjun makes him heady of stars. Chenle shrugs, "I thought you'd be mad. It could've ruined our friendship."

Think of heartbeat, only a little faster. And more demanding. Afraid? Hurt? In love? How different are they supposed to feel? Free fall. Stardust. Rose.

"Perhaps, everyone just falls in love with their best friend," Renjun drawls out, "Even just a little bit, from time to time."

Now, he gets a little bit of what Jaemin was trying to say but refused to explain: Renjun looked at Chenle like his heart broke. He looked at him like that, and a thousand more unsaid ways he didn't even know existed. He looks at him like all he wanted to do was tell him his feelings, but he was so afraid. He looked at him like he's afraid that he won't fall in love as hard as this anymore, like he's scared that one day he'd be unable to adore someone romantically because they're not this boy, his greatest love.

He looks at him like all he wanted was a sight so beautiful he overlooks the other, and arms so warm he doesn't seek this one-sided fire, like he craves for a drink that'll burn away the confessions stuck on his throat and trapped on his lips.

He looks at the boy he loves with lenses of blue, that in a way where he isn't really sure if he wanted to forget or remember. All that he knew was he wanted to be loved.

Chenle chuckles again, but this time he lets himself fall down and lay beside Renjun. He reaches his hands to the stars, dwelling on how much smaller he is than these speckles of lights, and swears on each and every one of them — "Friends forever?"

"Best friends," Renjun corrects. "You, me, Y/N, Jaemin, Jisung — best friends forever."

And he said it a hundred times, he wants to say it a million more. He wouldn't wish any other way for all of them but always; there is so much he wants to share, so many things he wants to experience with all of them.

They're best friends forever, they've said that a hundred times. He wants to say it a million more.

But somehow, sitting underneath the stars with only his favorite book and Zhong Chenle beside him, it doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel right to be just best of friends.

#yellow tag 💛 #nct dream #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #haechan x reader #nct 127 imagines #nct dream blurbs #nct dream drabbles #member x member #jisung x chenle #renjun x chenle #jisung x jaemin #jeno x jaemin

[violet-bookmark]

Oranges are not the only fruit, by Jeanette Winterson

I have been trying to read this book for almost ten years, but every time I was at my local library they either didn't have it or I had forgotten about it. I didn't want to read it in PDF, and luckily this year I could get my hands on the english (original) version, so there it goes. 

Before we delve into it: TW for exorcism, conversion therapy and a sex scene (not descriptive, but it happens) between an adult and a minor. 

This book tells us the life and adventures of young Jeanette, a girl who has been adopted into a religious family. Her devout mother wants to make a missionary out of her, and so raises her by the bible's words and (edited) versions of Jane Eyre. She lives a normal, religious life until she falls for a girl working at a fish stall and their friendship quickly turns into romance, making everyone repudiate them while Jeanette starts to realize that she is a lesbian, and to question everything she knows. 

I found the writing style intriguing and hard to define. I loved it because it challenged me; it was not like anything I have ever read before. All over the place but focused, wandering but always going to a point that you couldn't see just yet. It took the reader by surprise, and I truly admire Jeanette Winterson for it. The way she described everything was also really interesting: full of wonder but at the same time with that feeling of nostalgia and desperation that plagues some old books. I also enjoyed how nothing was done to be palatable, or to fit into some mold. Things were just like they were, and this book embraced everything as it came; the happy, the sad and the outright weird, which is a lot, as the protagonist is greatly confused by the world (who wouldn't be?). The style also changed in slight but powerful ways: some scenes are written in a sharp, realistic way, while others are strange and blurry like a dream. It highlights the protagonist's mental state in each scene perfectly. This book is slow at the start, and albeit I loved all the funny moments, which there are a lot of, I got a little impatient while waiting for the plot to reveal itself. But the wait paid off: I loved this book. From the ones I have read for this blog, it is my favourite so far. It might even be my favourite book, but I just finished it so I want to give it more time before saying something like this. 

I usually dislike books that are about the author, or that have a shameless author avatar as the protagonist. They are usually boring and egocentric, painting the protagonist as someone who can do no wrong, or who is literally perfect and completely boring to read about. Reading these kind of books often feels like reading the author's ego fantasies, and it makes me feel second hand embarrasment and to pity the author at the same time because I find it sad to have the need to write oneself as perfect, as if they are seeking validation from their readers. 

This book was an example of the author as protagonist done right. It helps that it was written by a woman; we usually can't make a career out of writing ourselves as flawless, or even as powerful without people bemoaning about it not being realistic or being a bore. Male authors get away with it way more easily. Jeanette is always curious about the world, too naïve and trusting at times, but always finding the fun and the irony in all situations, even the harshest ones. She acts as much as she observes: this book is about her as much as it is about her town, her mother and the religious order she is part of. It also speaks a lot about the contradictions of faith and religion itself.

One of my favourite scenes was when the neighbours are having sex, the protagonist's mother hears them and, along with other christians, starts to play the piano and to shout passages of the bible in hopes to make them stop "sinning". I like it because it is as crazy and hilarious as it sounds. The protagonist had a way to highlight irony and to always turn the most bizarre situations into the ridiculous. I also loved the funeral scene, but I don't want to give away any spoilers of that one. I will just say that Murphy's law is at play.

I also loved the tales of the Prince, of Sir Percival and of Winnet the witch apprentice. Despite seemingly being random at first, they gave continuity to Jeanette's story in very interesting and creative ways. The tale of the Prince who searched for perfection was very ironic, displaying Winterson's clever sense of humor and her ability to narrate in different ways. Sir Percival's was my favourite, it was very sad but had the particular madness of those who leave everything behind in the search of a delirious dream, something very human. Winnet's tale was very much like Jeanette's life, in a way, and full of hope towards the ending. 

Despite my quick summary, don't expect anything "shippable" in this book. This book has a lesbian protagonist, excellent insights into the mind of a homosexual and religious person and about life itself, but it is not the type of literature where you will find romance. If anything, you will find gay people throwing their lovers to the wolves for the sake of being forgiven by their community, or having to throw themselves to the wolves so that their lover will be forgiven. It was hard to read in that aspect. 

Read this book if you are curious about the story of a lesbian and christian girl who has to confront the fact that her religion sees her as a demon, if you like ironic and dark comedy and short tales. Don't read this book if you're searching for a love story. The best recommendation that I can give you right now for that is Lady Knight.

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