#i can try to do better. be better.

[laughingcatwrites]

As a reminder that good exists out there, a coworker recently confessed to me that he found out his child is questioning their identity (kid's gender redacted for this post). The kid is keeping it from him, so he can't say anything to them or show that he knows, but he's doing his best to get mentally prepared and educated so that he'll be ready whenever his kid does feel comfortable enough come to him.

For context, this guy is a big, bulky middle aged dude who loves sports and typical outdoor "manly" activities. As his coworker and friend, I know he's a kind and sweet teddy bear of a person, but his kid probably views him as a stern, authoritarian figure, the way most teenagers view their parents. His family lives in a conservative area, so I'm sure between that, their dad's looks and interests, and the fact that their dad is a Figure of Authority, the kid is worried that they won't be accepted.

But you know what? When he found out about his kid, the first thing he did was reach out to his closest queer friend and ask for resources for parents of questioning children. His biggest fears are that his kid will be bullied or discriminated against and won't feel comfortable enough to be themself. His second action was to find himself a mentor in another parent who went the same situation (kid coming out in a conservative town). The other person is preparing him for some of the struggles his kid may face and the fights he may need to take on as a parent to make sure his kid is safe and treated well.

Something I want to emphasize for people focused on language as the primary method of allyship is that when we spoke, he used some outdated terms and thoughts about gender and sexuality. That does not make him bad. These were the terms and thinking used about questioning teenagers when he was growing up and he never needed to learn more current ones. But now that he does have that need, he's throwing himself in head first because that's his kid and he's darn well going to make sure that his kid feels welcomed and has a safe place to be themselves even if they never come out to him.

#I'm so proud and happy for my coworker and I've been trying to figure out how to let him know how amazing I think he is #what gets me the most is that he's keeping this super down low to avoid giving any hints to his kid #he has a lot of queer friends so he already is known as an ally but there's always a chance it will be different if it's family #and he took that chance and crumpled it up into a ball and slam dunked it into the garbage for three points #and decided that even if his kid wants to hide it from him for the rest of his life he will still do what he can to make their life better #pflag #parents doing their best #parenting win #good news #allyship

[spiderversegf]

one important thing that Must be understood about interpersonal relationships is that you have to stop interacting with people who love you like they’re one slip-up away from leaving you. you have to trust that the ppl you love mean what they say. you have to believe that when they say “this hurt my feelings,” that they’re also saying, “can you please love me this other way next time?” and you have to wrap your head around the fact that even if you don’t understand Why someone loves you, you can accept that that they do. true, honest, & open love does not function like hp in a video game !!!!!!

#🍜 #wish i could remember this more. trying to rmr that when ppl are honest w ways they are hurt it’s bc they love me enough to be honest ab it #i am not perfect. but i can do my best to love people well and to apologize when i mess up #i do not have to punish myself! i can apologize and do better in the future #the love i feel increases when people tell me how to love them. the love i feel increases when people tell me how to love them. the love i- #sueñito tag

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[qcomicsy]

Dick "I was a terrible older brother and I need to make up for it" Grayson and Jason "for the love of god leave me the fuck alone" Todd.

#'Put me on the fucking ground I weigh the triple of your weight and your going to get both of us killed' #'nononono I CAN DO IT I TOTALLY CAN LET ME JUST– *crack*' #'I'm trying to be a better brother' #'for the sake of our strained relationship and the both of our physical health *stop fuckin* trying' #Dick Grayson #Jason Todd #Dick & Jason

[kkopimint]

⭐STAR BOYS💙

#fanart #jack frost #disney wish #star boy #wish star #rise of the guardians #rotg #please note that I try to reference Nighlight #me: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #crossover #i love crossovers #my art #I still don't like it very much but I can do better next time

[noodles-and-tea]

:))))

#back from school #I want to try get better at movement and flow in my art #I just feel like my stuff is too stiff yk #what can ya do I guess #my art #pixar luca #luca paguro #alberto scorfano #luberto

[canisalbus]

The juxtaposition of these two posts has me thinking it's Ear from the first post waking them up, and Machete is just like "...I'm really not pleased but I'm also not going to be angry because that's not what Ear needs right now."

.

#aaaa nooo I swear I didn't mean for them to have anything to do with each other :'V #I don't think they would look this actively peeved if it was their Ear waking them up #it wasn't Ear's fault #answered #feral-renaissance-cat #in canon kid Machete threw up a million times and was on the other end of this situation more times than he can remember #I have faith he'd be invested in trying to do better job than his parents did #kid named ear

[scrapnik]

🇵🇸 May We Be Free, Together. One genocided peoples to another. We stand with Palestine, now and forever. 🇦🇲

Care for Gaza (Direct Paypal)

E-Sims for Gaza (Showing Where/How to give them)

Palestine Children Relief Fund

Medical Aid for Palestinians

Daily Click For Palestine (Help by at least clicking this daily, it may not be much but it counts for something at least.)

BDS's website, remember to follow the boycott.

#free palestine. never stop talking about it. do everything you can. something is better than nothing. #cannot put neatly into words how much i feel for palestine. how much is influenced by being armenian as well. #and what ive learnt. both from online and from my mother. its a lot. its a lot. #i will never get over the poem Who remembers the armenians by a Palestinian author. #we remember you . we do too. you remember us. we remember you. ah... #my art #i dont.. try making art of my feelings. often. rarely. but. i try now. i try.

[uncanny-tranny]

I love love love when trans women* give advice to trans men* about """manly""" things and when trans men* return that kindness with advice about """womanly""" things. I love the intracommunity commitment to supporting each other <<3

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #obviously it's better when that advice and guidance is consentual #if you ever want to give that advice do be sure that that person is even seeking that out #i have made advice posts which i try to state as neutrally as possible to ensure that whomever wants the advice can read it #but by no means are those posts intended to force you to change or to do things outside of what you want y'know? #ANYWAY thank you to trans women for unironically teaching me how to shave when i didn't know how #(i read the book Nevada partway and that was how i started to learn how to shave my face) #(and i've gotten a decent-ish close shave though i do admit i'm not that good at it. i'm kinda lazy actually LOL) #chin stubble is genuinely one of the worst sensory things for me and i'm so grateful that i was taught by trans women about it :)!!! #genuinely me when other trans people: 🥰

[shorthaltsjester]

the mighty nein - critical role

this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.

#also with softer vibes. i offer They #every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit #the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family #also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9. #when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them #i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake. #the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor. #a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp #also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees. #the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay. #ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video. #crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives #as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes. #and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met. #rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed #posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc. #general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts #which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth. #critical role #the mighty nein #cr2 #caleb widogast #caduceus clay #jester lavorre #fjord #veth brenatto #yasha nydoorin #beauregard lionett #mollymauk tealeaf #my posts

[ceru-draws]

[WangXian] Stargazers

#wangxian #mo dao zu shi #my art #mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian #魔道祖师 #hello tumblr people on my phone I'm going to try and post here regularly again now! #i changed jobs recently and I'm doing better mentally bc of it so I think my art juices are being replenished:) #for now I'm focusing on just doing some comfort zone stuff but i have other ideas i want to try and draw too if i can push myself to do them #thank you for looking <3 bye

[riickgrimes]

2.03 // 2.08

#the bear #thebearedit #the bear spoilers #sydcarmy #sydcarmyedit #carmy berzatto #dailyflicks #televisiongifs #jeremy allen white #userlolo #usersophie #usergreta #mine and only mine #idk i just feel a type of way about this #like this is very important to me #HE'S TRYING #he wants to do better for her #if he's wrong he wants to know so he can do better next time #he doesn't want to lose her and is willing to LISTEN and LEARN #like that is so important #*** #thousand

[moeblob]

So does he, Gallagher.

#honkai star rail #hsr blade #gallagher #i based this off of how many times i used funny soda man to help be a healer with his poppin soda pop in SU #and then blade constantly just being blade as usual #its normally him saying unnecessary to my actual healer but #i kept forgetting gallagher heals and i kept healing when i didnt even need to so TECHNICALLY yeah it was unnecessary #but the amount of times blade was the recipient...... #i cant use like most of my newer units in story bc i cant ascend or i run out of leveling mats so i just #get them and toss them into simulated universe for funsies cause i can match their levels better #so thats where i tossed gallagher and he is genuinely fun to play as ? like i love his punches and kicks to start the battle #funny soda man is funny (to me) and im really behind in plot still #but last time i tried to play it on my laptop and got a kickass cutscene my laptop lagged and i couldnt even see it RIP to me #so now that its like ... me trying to play it on desktop ? #i mostly get on desktop for comms and if i do much else i feel like im slacking off even if i would take a break anyway #one day i can play more story plot stuff and actually meet the funny guys #also in case you know me for Not Having Boys in HSR i need to point out #i did pull Gallagher however same 10 pull got a 4 star girl copy for someone i never use and she is at e4 now cool #and i didnt even think of the irony as i started this i just like drawing blade and i wanted to draw gallagher #so when i already had the dialogue planned and am drawing i was like OH WAIT haha im funnier than i thought #(no i am not but we can pretend)

[agendercryptidlev]

Torchwood gets massive props from me for using the "character gets tricked into thinking they did something terrible and confesses it to their loved one" trope with the loved one instead of freaking out just going "no you fucking didn't. We're going to figure out what's actually going on here"

#Seriously I was cringing so hard expecting some big freak out but then Jack was like 'no you didn't do that's #And he was clever enough to try multiple strategies to figure out what was going on with Ianto! #Like my brother was like 'u can open your eyes now Jack isn't stupid' #Who is stupid is Adam who still tries the whole 'i made them better!' argument on Jack #After making Jack's boyfriend have a traumatic panic attack by implanting fake memories in his head #Like Adam girly just replace his memories of reading the diary to include you and then steal and hide the diary #Torchwood #Jack Harkness #Ianto Jones #Janto

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

True love is possible only in the next world. For new people. It it too late for us.

(Redraw for @pakhnokh's DTIYS post!)

#better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangij #Finally I can redraw a pahknokh piece with *permission* B*) #I was so excited to see you (pakhnohk) do a dtiys! It's such a fun skill building activity & I really hope to see more people bring it back #The composition and melancholic feeling of the original piece is so lovely! Thank's for setting this up! #Lighting is still kind of my enemy. In the way that getting curb stomped is my enemy. I had fun trying to figure it out though but... #I have a long way to go and that's okay! #Sadly I feel like I overworked this and made the colours a mess B*( That's *Also* Okay - I learned something from it. #The Robert Kurvitz quote is one that I feel *really* fits the heartache of the yiling laozu and hanguang-jun era. #As painful as it is...No...I don't think there was ever a chance they could have had a true romance in wwx's first life #It was always going to be a tragedy. #Sometimes the right person comes at the wrong time. And when you realize what they really mean to you it is the wrong time once again #They get to try again though! They get to be happy B'*)

[heynhay]

let's drive out

#klance #voltron #vld #this came to my brain via Valentine Texas by mitski but im not offficially linking it bc i have something dif in mind fpr later #and this one is a faithful visual recreation of the lyrics but not an emotionally faithful one so. i can do better #anyway being taken out to camp in the bed of a pickup truck is like. haha. one of my dark twisted evil romantic fantasies #my country bumpkin upbringing showing through #now you guys know how horrible and wild my unhigned crazy thoughts are...... how unspeakably deranged..... #art #my art #bro im such a fucking faker i will fr get on my soapbox about how often klance fight (even romantically) and then draw the tenderist shit #like 40 times over #so let me amend and clarify by saying this was somehow some stupid shit. #like lance set this up but its because theyve been competing for best date (theres a physical scoreboard on the fridge) #and keith was probably trying to act aloof so that lance wouldnt score as many points #but got so comfy he fell asleep (+15 for lance its going on the scoreboard) #+ lance is abt to sharpie a moustache on his face #mitski