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#i can only express myself through shitty comparisons god bless
itsleafourie · 5 years
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18 things i learned in 2018
2018 has truly been a year of learning for me. from physically going through a transformation to making new friends and memories. here’ s some things i learned.
18. the only constant in life is change.
i say this in the most positive way possible. for me, i see change as a good thing. there is some type of assurance and security i find in the fact that in whatever situation i might be, it is not permanent. i do not have to stay here - lemme scratch that - it is guarenteed that i am not going to stay here. even when i am at a peak point, i still find it amazing i can even go higher - i have to power and will to drive ‘change’ into that direction.
17. life is better when you live it.
something i struggled with this past year is overall confidence. it started with the basics: such as my body image and my outer look. but something i learned is that hatred spreads. i always thought that the only thing that ‘turned others off’ was my body. as i continued to search my body for every flaw i could find; the self-hatred spread to other more emotional and inner things. i started disliking my personality, how i talked, how i laughed, and most importantly how i reacted as person towards certain situations and things. simply everything i did wasn’t good enough. i thought that i was a complete failure - personality wise. my need to force some kind of change into my personality and the way how i think about life was fed through this constant self-bullying. i thought that every single situation that i found myself in could have been resolved if only i had some sort of personality change. the words “if i wasn’t born like then life would have been easier” crossed my mind every single hour of every day. it created this stress and anxiety inside of me. my raw thoughts were scorned by my very own self-consciousness. i would find myself being way too awkward (when in reality i was being completely normal) or i would trick my own brain into thinking everyone secretly hated me. 
what i meant with this title is that the moment i started to slowly let go of that need of approving others i started enjoying the little things around me. i tried to make it a habit to stop overthinking certain situations. i started to make it a daily goal to react towards things in a utter natural and raw way in hopes of learning myself to be more comfortable with how i am build. i stopped stressing about things such as the way i laughed or how much i ate. just like that - life got a little bit better.
16. no one is as bad as they seem.
my father is a very hostile person. he believes that every person in society is out to get him. growing up with such a negative outlook on meeting new people, it got pretty hard for me to trust strangers with my pride. in other words, i started believing that everyone was out to get me too. i find myself doing exactly what i was scared of - criticising others. i wasn’t bullying anyone, i just thought that every person that i wasn’t necessarily friends with automatically hated me. here is where my insecurity of pleasing others played a huge roll. it was only after i learned myself to be more open and relaxed with new people that i realised the “popular groups” in my school can be extremely friendly. don’t get me wrong, some people’s insecurities still shine through. there are some bad and rotten apples out there. but after actually getting to know some of them, i grew some sort of confidence towards wanting to meet new people. and remember, some people tear other people down only to feel the need of some sort of self-acceptance. 
15. home is where your heart is.
after multiple drama’s and tears, i learned probably one of the most valuable lessons in life; your family is your number one support group. i know i cannot speak for everyone but 2018 made me realise that my family is truly one of the most supportive people i know. i admit, i took it a little bit for granted, but this year’s pain made me realise how blessed i am to have such an amazing lil group of humans as my safety net in life.
14. the arts will always be your number one way of self-care.
i always knew i was a creative person, but in my lowest points of my year i always found myself craving to express my feelings and pain in some sort of art form. whenever it was editing, painting, writing, listening to music, learning or reading, my ‘self-care’ always had something to do with art. that’s why one of my new years resolutions is to spend at least one hour every day doing exactly what i was born to do; to create.
13. exercising is actually pretty fucking amazing.
in 2018 i discovered how much i love doing sports. in previous years, i despised it. little did i know that it would soon become one of my favourite ways to escape from my daily stress. from doing nothing all day to exercising at least 4 days a week really played a roll in my transformation - physically and mentally. 
12. hating things does not make you cool.
oh!!!!! my!!!! god!!!! can people please start to realise that we all have different interests in life? so what you don’t like ‘mainstream’ pop-culture? don’t bash people who do. i used to look down upon people that band-waggoned onto trends. but now honestly who cares? liking a certain genre of music or having a certain style that is not considered “”””mainstream”””” does not make you any cooler that someone who prefers things that are mainstream. if you have time to insults those who do in your day-to-day life, i hope you make the effort to take a step back and change that shitty habit. no shade, all tea.
11. judging a person does not define who they are. it defines who you are.
this might get cheesy, but who has the time to tear others down? this goes hand-in-hand with my previous point, but judging others really does not benefit anyone. it only makes you look like a douche, makes the other person feel like crap (believe me, every gossip you share to a friend will get out) and feeds society’s negativity. i know some of you might think, “oh, it’s easier said than done” but really, just shut the fuck up. after a while of not bullying others and shit-talking, it becomes a habit to just mind your own business. believe me, no one thinks your cool when you tear other people down. it really only shows how insecure you are.
10. it is okay to be emotional.
we don’t even have to be close, after a while it becomes pretty apparent that i am a VERY emotional person. not only do i cry when i get slightly offended, i cry when i get frustrated (for example, i’ve cry almost during every mathematical exam this year, not because i think i’m an idiot, only because math is fucking hard) and i even cry sometimes when i’m happy. for the longest of time i tried to force that side of me away, mainly because society has created this message that not feeling anything is cool af. being a bitch and mean is trendy and crying just shows weakness. but now, i see expressing yourself so vividly and emotionally as such one of the strongest traits a person can have. for me, crying or even showing my raw emotions is the biggest form of rebellion. fuck being emotionally stable all the time. we’re human. every person cries and has bad times in their lives. let’s make it a beautiful thing to express oneself in that manner. 
9. learn how to be on your own.
after drifting away from a few people, i realised how lucky i was to be able to enjoy my own company. at first it was a strange feelings. you never see people being alone in our society. it is label as being “lonely” or “weird”. but honestly, when your not listening to our world’s toxic way of thinking, you realise how unnatural it is for humans to not being able to enjoy being alone. yes, we are social creatures, but we’re also very highly intelligent. sometimes we need some “alone-time” for self-reflecting. learning to become your own best friend will result into you becoming one of the most confident people you will ever know. being alone will not only learn you to love yourself, it also prepares you for the times when you have nothing else to do but to be alone. life is so beautifully peaceful when your realise that the only person you ever need to be dependent of is yourself. simultaneously life will become easier, becomes the only person you’ll ever really need is yourself (and your mum in my case).
8. materialistic things mean literally nothing.
seriously. read that again until you believe. stop caring about your follower count or your likes. stop caring about what brand of clothes you wear or how much cash you have. things such as what type of schoolbag you carry, how “aesthetic” your school stationary is, how “trendy” you are or whenever your style is relevant enough means nothing. no one really cares if your followers are active enough, if you have enough brand-clothing, if you are in-tuned with the newest trends, how much you’ve spent on things or how much your willing to spend. 
no. one. cares.
people only care because other people do. think about it. if we stopped linking this imaginary sense of worth to these things, no one would ever give a second of their day thinking about it. but in our society, it has become second nature to look out for it. for subconsciously compare our likes and followers and money. of course, it is in our human code to want to strive above others, but i believe we need to shift that energy towards different things. strive to be kinder than the person next to you. strive to impact the world positively on a larger scale than the generation before you. those are the things that determine how great of a person you are. 
7. you really need to cautious of getting caught up in the numbers.
this one links with number 8, but it is a bit more focused on this that i struggled with this year (and what i am still struggling with). i made it a priority to lose some weight, and i did achieve it in a very healthy way in comparison with others, but the dieting culture still affected me in some way. for a few months, i became a bit obsessed with giving my everything in going through this body transformation. along with that, i made it a daily goal to break my personal records. records in a sense of weighing or consuming a little bit less than the previous 24 hours. don’t get me wrong, i never did anything physically to force my body to reject those numbers, but i would feel sad or unaccomplished if i didn’t achieve that goal. it became a race between how good (or how small) i looked and how much my body could keep up. i’ve come very far since then, but sometimes it still overwhelms me. this is usually when i remind myself that change is inevitable. remember, progress over perfection.
6. life sometimes sucks.
in total honesty, i struggled with a lot of anxiety and sadness this year. i went to see a therapist to talk about my feelings. it helped, really. but i think it’s safe to say that person who truly saved me was myself. i became my very own hero this year. i learned myself how to dug out of that hole. life is going to suck. being a teenager with hormones, i do experience mood things. but being human, i experience feelings. maybe i have some type of mental illness, maybe i don’t. the world may never know. all i know is that sometimes you have to help yourself from the darkness.
just a little disclaimer; listen to yourself. listen to others. mental illness and sad thoughts aren’t things to be treated lightly. life gets rough and we know so little about mental health. please, whenever you have some form of mental illness or someone you might who has, be kind. treat them softly. we have no control how we react or feel about certain things. acting hostile towards your feeling or thinking you can control your raw emotions will bring you no where but closer to more pain. it is okay to be vulnerable. just make it a effort to help yourself and others. 
5. you need to learn to let go.
please, learn yourself this skill. people are going to leave you and you are going to leave others. you are going to meet new people and do new things. no one and nothing is permanently there. let go of that heartbreak or of that toxic friendship. this is can come off as extremely cheesy, but it is really so so true. 
4. listen to your gut feeling.
one of the biggest mistakes i made this year was ignoring my instinct about certain people. if i reacted earlier on how i felt about someone or something, i would have saved so much tears. but so we learn. put yourself first in life. there is nothing wrong with that. you only have one lift, do not waste a minute doing anything that makes your uncomfortable. 
3. please never stop doing what you love in fear of other’s judgement.
i stopped editing for a while. why? i feared others discovering my fan account. it literally disgusted me to such a point where i felt an anxiety whenever i was creating anything with my editing software. i thought that people would think it was lame, so i forced myself to dislike it. now with not being able to edit due to technical difficulties with my laptop, i long for it so so much. i took all of that wasted time to create something for granted. never push your passions aside only to please others. what a waste of talent.
2. you can still enjoy doing something without being necessarily good at it.
you best believe i am one of the worst gamers in the world, but i enjoy it so much. i’m not a talented singer or dancer, but i will be singing and dancing my heart out whenever i feel like it. i might suck at writing novels and stories, but i enjoy the thought of being able to express myself to freely. enjoy being undoubtedly untalented in something that makes you feel alive. i’ll never be a star athlete or a worldwide famous actor but i still enjoy pushing my athletic abilities or attempting to do any accent. you really feel fulfilled when you do let yourself self-awareness go. just do what you love, no one can be talented at everything.
1. most importantly, appreciate every moment.
once upon a time, my history teacher delivered a speech in one of our weekly school assemblies. it was about not wishing seconds by. sometimes we wish we could fast forward to finishing school. sometimes we wish we can just get out of that period we all dread so much. sometimes we are not in the mood for a sport practise or to deliver a speech. but do we ever realise how quickly all of that can disappear? how blessed we are to be alive and to learn new skills? to express our opinions in front of a classroom? to be able to compete in a sport? we take small things and privileges in life so much for granted. life is so much better than what we give credit for it. also try to see the positive.
cannot wait to learn new things in 2019, here’s to another year full of pain and happiness. here’s another year of growth and living our unmistakably perfectly-flawed lives. 
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betslangland · 6 years
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Don’t Downgrade Depression
~The Long(ish) inside scoop on how someone with a rad life struggled with depression~
What depression is not
1. Sadness because of a situation…
-There’s a difference in ‘feeling’ depressed and ‘being’ depressed
2. Pin Pointed ‘feelings’ that explain your depression…    
-Those with depression can’t necessarily tell you how they’re feeling, they’re just lacking…
3. A lack of happiness in ones life or being a victim to life…
-A ‘lack of happiness may. In turn feeling sorry for yourself because of your ‘social status’.
What depression is…
1. Feelings of shame and insignificance…
-Shame, when you fail or mess up.
2. A lack of knowing…
-You may know something is wrong but you can’t seem to put a finger on it because everything around you seems to be fine, so you’ve convinced yourself that you’re fine too though you’re miserable.
3.Loneliness even though you may have the greatest support system and you may have several people               around you…
-You can have the most followers on all the social medias, the best of friends and an amazing family, but that doesn’t change the state of your lonely mind.
4. Brokenness/Failure
-You’re always finding fault with yourself because you could’ve done something better.   Depression isn’t something that should be downgraded. I used to be so flippant judging others when they’d say they were depressed when they had a happy life. (i.e. they had a lot of friends, they were close to their family, they had a great job etc.) I would talk so poorly about these ‘depressed people’ because they had it made. I’d judge them and say they shouldn’t feel that way because everyday is a blessing, they should be so grateful, they shouldn’t take advantage of this one life blah blah blah…..all the ‘feel good’ mantras. Though those mantras are accurate I was losing the whole picture.
I soon learned how miserable depression could be and how life draining it could make you so I no longer spoke poorly about those people.
Like I stated above, there are times when people claim depression but are just having a bad day, they broke up with their lover, their dog died, etc. I’m not downgrading those events, but that’s not what I’m talking about here and that’s not depression.
There’s a difference in feeling depressed and being in a depressive state of mind. Feeling depression is something everyone goes through in life. It’s inevitable, because life sucks sometimes, but being depressed, sitting in it and living that life is another story. I was depressed and didn’t even realize it. The things I had been facing, the lies I had been telling myself and the illusion of my life I had been lying to others about for years, I had convinced myself was the norm. I thought I could lie to myself and to my friends and family about how I was feeling to play off that I was always happy, because you’re never supposed to have a bad day, right?...Wrong!
Events in my life started to not line up with me anymore and I was so exhausted of being this person who wasn’t me just to please everyone else. When I reevaluated my life I realized I was more miserable in the time being than genuinely happy, and this was a problem.
I let my depressive state of mind become my idol since I was focusing more on the depression and the negative nature rather healing and on positive things. Like mentioned above I couldn’t pin point a significant ‘feeling’ of depression. Yes, I had many feelings during this time, but not one that led me to believe that I was  ‘depressed’. It was more of me trying to be a hard ass and shake off all the feelings and be tough. I learned first hand that if you don’t take a moment to feel those feelings and deal with them they will come to bite you in the ass later and be ten times worse.
You don’t have to have a rough upbringing to be in a depressive mindset. (Please read that again!!!)
I was raised in a great Christian family with more love around me than anyone could imagine. I was athletic and I was a musician so I was very busy, but somehow through all of the chaos of high school I formed bad mind habits of not feeling good enough. I didn’t feel good enough for my parents because I would end up getting B’s instead of A’s and I would hear, “Well, why aren’t you getting A’s?”, which I interpreted that as, “Why aren’t you working hard enough. Your hard work is not noticed. You aren’t significant because you got a B.”
Crazy I know, but that’s where my mind went.
My mother never ever said those things, but that’s how my brain interpreted them. Everything came back down to not working hard enough. I never felt good enough being raised in a Christian environment. In my household there was no cursing, no bad language, and no negative comments, but I’ll be completely honest with you in saying that cursing, bad language and negativity come pretty naturally to me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me internally since I didn’t have a ‘heavenly mindset’ all the time.
The thoughts I’d have would’ve been condemned and judged if they were ever uttered out of my mouth. I would slip up occasionally and say a curse word soon being accused of always saying them around my peers (which I didn’t) and not having my heart in the right place with God (which it was).
So from there I felt a sense of brokenness, confusion and not being good enough because I couldn’t express myself in the way that came naturally. I couldn’t because ‘God wouldn’t approve’ and ‘Christian’s just didn’t speak that way’. My mother made it very clear that I had other believers and non believers looking to me to be an example, so every move I made was judged and Lord forgive me if I did something and it wasn’t under the approval of another believer and was labeled as ‘ungodly’.
But what if something ‘bad’ did utter from my mouth? My mom would assume my heart wasn’t right with the Lord and I’d be sent to my room to read my Bible. Sounds like a legit punishment to me that solved the ‘issue’.
^insert biggest eye roll (sorry Ma)
~Let me pause here for a second to clarify something. I love the Lord and I would NOT be here writing this without him. In saying that I am NOT disrespecting nor am I disregarding a relationship with God. I am wholeheartedly taking you through a snip-it of my childhood and how I was raised to explain to you how I developed my, “I don’t feel good enough” mindset and attitude. I needed to clarify because 90% of what I had explained to you was negative, but without that negativity I wouldn’t be able to write this for you today. Also, the reason why my mother raised me the way she did (right or wrong) was because she held me at a higher standard than anyone else in this whole world. She expected nothing but the best from me. Carrying on!~
Body dysmorphia, negative body image, self-esteem issues and insecurities started in just the fourth grade. I can remember it like it was yesterday. While sitting next to a girl in Mrs. Edwards’ class, comparison stole my confidence, which would haunt me for years. This girl, Emily and I were sitting next to each other in class while we were doing a fun activity. You know how your legs turn into the size of Russia when you sit down? Well I noticed that for the first time. But when I noticed my legs I also noticed Emily’s legs…but hers were smaller.
Hmmm, weird. We’re practically the same stature so why are her legs smaller than mine?
Oh…is this what fat means?
Oh how I wish I could shake that 4th grade Bethany!
Fast forward to 5th grade…middle school, when you could sill have a bunch of guy friends without people freaking out about it.
(^insert another eye roll)
In fifth grade I sat with a group of guys at lunch everyday and one in particular noticed how I hadn’t been eating the food on my tray so he asked me about it, “Bethany! Are you not hungry?? Why aren’t you eating your food?”
I state very snooty like, “It’s very unhealthy food and I don’t want to get fat!”
As adult as a 5th grader could be he rebuttals, “What?? Bethany, you’re in 5th grade. Why are you worried about getting fat right now??”
The only response to this question was trying to explain that I was planning ahead and how proud of myself I was for not eating all my food, because I remained, “self-controlled”, and “self-disciplined”.
But there was a HUGE issue.
I was SO HUNGRY!!
At this time my older sister was I high school and she was a 3 season athlete so she was always active. We had the same body structure but she was more fit than me because obvi, she was more active. My little baby brain couldn’t figure out why she was more fit than I was and why she could eat a candy bar and not feel shitty or not gain weight, but when I’d eat a candy bar I would belittle myself and tell myself over and over that I wasn’t good enough AND I felt like a cow. I remember asking my mom one day why she could eat whatever she wanted and my mom replied that she worked out all the time so she could eat those desserts and it wouldn’t affect her. I took this straight to heart and all I heard was, “She works out all the time, which means she can reward herself with food…”
Now I’m in high school and still (I was always the ‘big friend’ in elementary and middle school) labeled as the ‘big tomboyish’ friend. I thought I had kicked this title, but I was wrong. Being an athlete and being on the drumline didn’t help any…I hated the title. To me women were supposed to be very feminine, small boned, small breasted (which makes zero sense), short, quiet…cute little tiny tiny things and I was well aware I was none of those things. I was built durable (fancy terminology for “big framed”), I definitely did not have small breasts, I wasn’t feminine, I sure as hell wasn’t quiet, and I wasn’t a tiny tiny human. Men looked through me, usually to my other friends, and I associated not receiving attention due to my body structure.
I watched my food intake more so than most high schoolers. I exercised way more than what was needed, and I would assume never to shop for clothes because I would end up shopping in the men’s department because the shirts were naturally baggy. I remember having a boyfriend at the time and for years he had thought I was a very confident outgoing woman until he went swim suit shopping with me.
I was very hesitant about it because I wanted to remain that strong woman to him since he had no idea how insecure I really had been for years.
That was the first and last time he ever went shopping with me. I swore to myself he’d never go again because I was so extremely embarrassed with myself.
I cried.
A lot.
I just sobbed and sobbed in the dressing room looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I had let myself get ‘this far’. He kept knocking on the door to see if I was okay but I never let him in because I was so ashamed of how I looked. I would stare in the mirror and grab my belly and get SO angry that it was there! I would look at myself completely naked and ashamed and say to myself over and over and over, “You’re so fat!!! This is disgusting!” I would imagine if I could just take scissors and cut all the fat off. Then that would be okay! I just wanted to sit down without having to adjust my pants to cover up my belly!! I was so disgusted with myself.
But those feelings were normal, because every girl cries in the dressing room and thinks about taking scissors to their belly, right…?
I justified to myself that this was just a part of being a woman I had to get over and live with.
Now I’m in college.
Oh, college!
The 6 years I spent in college (YES, 6! I changed my major, okay!!) were the most trying, taxing, exhausting, fun, and difficult learning experiences of my life.
Now I'm in college and the uncontrollable stress of every day life and school was so great and so overwhelming. I'm a very type A personality, meaning if I don't have control over situations or I don't have any say over situations I tend to get anxiety and start feeling very vulnerable towards whatever scenario I was in at the moment. While I was in school I studied music education for four years until I switched to health promotion and business, which became my degree.
During my sophomore year in college my mother passed away from cancer. This undoubtedly rocked my world. What could I have control over anymore?
Now, for a type A personality having control is a HUGE characteristic, like I mentioned above. Since I wasn't able to control the environment around me the only thing I could 100% control was my body. This is when the disordered eating habits started to manifest and take control.
Before more explanation lets define these disorders.
Orthorexia Nervosa: "a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful; an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy."
Bulimia Nervosa:"eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating."
Anorexia Nervosa:“There are two main types of anorexia. Both types are characterized by irrational fear of weight gain and abnormal eating patterns. The restrictive type is what most people associate with this mental illness: The individual rigorously limits food intake, effectively starving the body of the nutrition and calories it needs.However, there is also a type of anorexia known as binge/purge anorexia, in which an individual purges after eating. Thus, this type of anorexia results in additional health problems, which are also caused by bulimia and binge-eating disorder.Another category of anorexia is known as atypical anorexia. In these cases, the individual meets some but not all of the criteria for anorexia. For example, they might restrict their food intake but not be underweight.”
I mentioned that I was essentially a control freak, but I didn't know that then. I can label these disordered eating habits as a control mechanism now but when I was in the midst of that way of life it seemed normal and imperative for me, like I was filling a void of vulnerability I didn't want to succumb to out of fear. This was a fear of being wrong, judged and rejected. I was fearful of judgment because I was the, "face of health" and the one who lived the "fit and healthy" lifestyle people would come to for inspiration and questions. So how crazy would it have been if I came out and confessed to how unhappy I was with my life and how I wanted nothing more than to eat normally and not exercise like a crazy person all the damn time.  
This wasn't an option though. People looked up to me and I couldn't be ‘normal’ like everyone else.
Though the 'healthy' lifestyle I was living was out of fear, it also came out of a place of shame and guilt.  
I'd feel disgusted with myself, utterly shameful, ugly, unworthy, and the biggest disappointment when I'd eat out of my 'macro or meal plan'. When I say I was strict with my food....I mean I was STRICT with my food!! Every single morsel of food I'd consume would be weighed and counted, to the last gram. If I had accidentally counted incorrectly or had forgotten to track a certain food my mind would be consumed with this failure and I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I’d end up doing extra cardio to ‘burn off the excess calories’.
(sounds crazy just typing it!)
I would eat 100% clean, with no cheating until I had planned a binge eating, "cheat day" or I was tired of eating chicken and broccoli and wanted something different because I could feel my sanity slipping because of the restrictions.
These days I'd usually consume copious amounts of food to turn around and feel the shame and guilt of "cheating" on my diet and "cheating" on everyone who looked at me as a health and fitness figure.
So I'd take ‘control over the situation’ and make myself throw up. I'd justify sticking my finger down my throat by lying to myself and convincing myself that I was sick and nauseas and needed to throw up because the food had ‘upset my stomach’.
I was lying. I didn't feel sick, I felt guilty, shameful and like a disappointment for not eating correctly...for 'falling off the wagon'.
What's messed up is that I felt bad for the foods I had eaten and not making myself throw up because I thought I was solving a problem. Twisted, huh?...  
I tried to act normal. I tried to be normal and eat out with friends and family. I tried to live out the 'balance' portion of health and fitness so people couldn't argue with me saying I was crazy or normal, but once I'd try I would always end up in the bathroom flushing guilt, shame and regret down the toilet.
Problem solved.
I remember a specific time I was having dessert with a friend at a restaurant and at this time I was in the midst of early recovery and I was tired of telling people no to going out all the time so I made myself go and ‘be normal’. The thing was I was trying SO hard to be normal it started becoming a chore and weird trying to be normal….(overthinking much??) Anyway, we went out and I ordered the smallest and the ‘better for you’ option.  I finished all of it and thought, “Okay, I got this!”. Nope I didn’t. I went to the bathroom (I actually had to go) and it felt like a drug…
A good analogy would be putting a recovering pill popper in a room full of hydrocodone…
It just doesn’t work.
Sooner than later I found myself over the toilet.
I walked back over to my friend red faced, watery eyes, chattering teeth, a broken heart and disappointment and she had no idea.  
Through this time I had zero confidence.
Zero confidence in my intelligence, my body, my mind, my music and my relationships. Just like any other insecure college woman I'd look for confidence through comments from men and that only led me down a road of seeking validation from other people and accepting sexual comments because I wanted to feel sexy and beautiful.
During these phases of dieting I decided to do a bodybuilding show.
To give you a little insight on my training I was consuming 800 calories a day, 1,000 calories on 'high carb days', while doing an hour on the stair master in morning and training in the evening after school. To put 1000 calories into perspective, that would be equivalent to one crispy chicken sandwich with a medium fry from McDonalds.  After a few months of this style of training I had lost a significant amount of weight....
Goals, right?!!
Wrong.
I had no boobs, no ass, my upper body was bony, I hadn't had a period in a year (which was caused by disordered eating), I would go weeks without having a bowel movement, and the only thing I could do recreationally was sleep because I was extremely miserable, exhausted and fatigued. I couldn’t form a complete sentence without concentrating because of the lack of nutrition going to my brain.
Kind of scary.
Though I wanted so desperately to eat what my friends were eating, I had an unusual sense of pride that I had to bring my own meals into restaurants or simply not eat and celebrate with my friends and family. Kind of like, "I'm better than you because I have better self-control...".  
Awful, I know!!
But the health and fitness industry is glorified for self-discipline and I was bound and determined to be the best and when I want to be the best nothing can stop me.
While training for the competition I would workout with my trainer and she would weight me about once a week. There were times when my goal would be to lose 4lbs in one week.
Do you understand how crazy that is??
Anyway, I’d come back the following week doing exactly what she wanted me to do and I’d step on the scale and sometimes I wouldn’t have dropped any weight or I would have dropped two pounds, which was completely unacceptable.
She’d stare at the number, shake her head and say, “You’re doing something wrong. You’re too big. You’re not losing enough weight.”
Can you imagine someone saying that to you??
She would accuse me of cheating on the diet, which as much as I hated that 8x11 eating disorder, I never once cheated on that god awful diet. She wouldn’t believe me because I wasn’t losing 4 pounds a week.
Those comments and the unbelief in me weighed heavy on my heart because I gave 100% during my prep! I hated every second of it but I was committed so I couldn’t quit!
It’s competition day. Oh boy.
I knew I wasn’t going to place because the girls were much much smaller than me and you could tell this hadn’t been their first show.
I walked backstage to setup my little secluded corner, because I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted a weeks worth of sleep and food. Lots and lots of food.
I finally setup my corner and I was looking at the rest of the girls get ready and I had something come over me…
“These girls look like the pictures I had on my wall when I was in high school….the fitness models I wanted to look like…” because ‘hard-work’ and ‘dedication’ would get you a 6 pack.
All that these girls could talk about was their hunger, tilapia, how much water they had to cut, how many diuretics they had to take and what they were going to eat after the show.
My mind started piecing things together while I was backstage. “These girls aren’t healthy…..they’re just shredded hungry girls.”
Right then and there my mind changed forever! I was angry and relieved all at the same time. I was angry because I felt like I had been lied to for years through magazines and the internet when women were being portrayed as ‘fit’. I was relieved because IT WASN’T REAL!!!! I didn’t feel like I had to be some skinny bitch that only ate spinach, tilapia, chicken and rice forever because nobody actually liked it and no one WANTED to do it!!
If these girls didn’t WANT to do it and it didn’t make them happy then why in the hell were they doing it?? Were there aesthetics more important and more valued than their time with family celebrating a birthday party, or a boyfriends birthday dinner?
I can recall this mental breakthrough like it was yesterday.
This is when my mindset started to become unveiled and all the lies from the health and fitness industry were becoming revealed and I was disgusted and I wanted to make a change right then!
I went into this body building competition with a very negative mindset because I hated everything about me. See, my goal throughout my fitness journey was the same as numerous other women…lose the belly and get skinny. To my surprise even after all the dieting and weight loss I still had a little bit of a belly. I was so confused!
After dieting for so long I was now lethargic, anemic, insecure though I had lost so much weight and I had the title of a ‘body builder’, hungry, exhausted, always sick, and even more miserable mentally than when I began this journey.
I thought, So after ALL that I sill don’t have what I worked my ass off for AND I’m even worse off?.....What was I missing?
And then I heard something so profound to me that put my mind into another dimension of thinking… Life should NOT be about weight loss, food, counting calories or your physique. Life has so much more to offer and you as a person have so much to offer other than how you look….Oh wow!!!
This mindset changed my life forever.
I thought I could deal with myself emotionally after my body building show so I decided to hire an online powerlifting coach who agreed that the way I dieted was destructive. We talked over the phone and she set me up with a training schedule and macros to start with after my show.
I was ecstatic to be lifting heavy again and to be eating yummy foods!
I thought I had a grip on the disordered eating habits because I was on the track to counting macros again! Yay!
A few months into powerlifting I was regaining strength back and gaining my weight back, which I was mentally ready for because my stage weight was unrealistic and I was okay with it because I needed the extra weight to lift heavy.
I had to check-in with my powerlifting coach each week with my macros for the day, my lifts and my weight for every day. I would reluctantly get on that scale but I did it because I had to. She started cutting my macros down bit by bit each week and I could feel myself start to panic. I would anxiously open my email to see if she had given me permission to eat more that week or I still had to cut down. I began hating check-ins. I was spending 1.5-2 hours in the gym every single day and I was exhausted.
Because of my body building experience I had downloaded helpful podcasts hosted by women who’ve been in the same place mentally as I had been in, but little did I know that I was still in the negative mental mindset when it came to my eating habits.
I was on my way to see my boyfriend at the time and I was headed to the gym but I was going to see him first. I was dreading going, but I couldn’t have any days off and I had to go so I didn’t have a choice.
I was listening to one particular podcast about the hosts’ experience with eating disorders and the breakdown and breakthrough she had gone through. She discussed the prep she went through and how awful it was (same), how she didn’t have a period (same), how she gave up time with her friends and family (same), how she gloated in the fact of having more ‘self-discipline’ when it came to not eating ‘bad’ foods (same), how she was still insecure with herself after the body building show even though she lost a lot of weight (same), how she didn’t have boobs and it made her insecure about her femininity (same), how she felt deprived of every food even healthy foods because she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to eat those things (same), how she was lethargic all the time (same), how she had 0 sex drive (same), how all she could do was sleep because she was so exhausted (same)………..the list goes on and on!
She stated in her podcast that once she realized there was an issue she told her mother in hopes for accountability and help towards her recovery,
“Once I told my mother about my disordered eating she knew something was going wrong and she told me that food had became my idol which means food was more important than anything else, including God.”
When I heard these words coming out of my radio and after all the mental connections I had made with this girl via podcast, I broke down. Every vulnerability I had at the moment was broken down by those words. My walls had been completely torn down. All I could do was cry.
How could I have let myself get to this point?
How could I have I let myself get so unhealthy?
How could I have lied to so many people?
How could I have lied to myself for so many years?
My world changed dramatically! I didn’t go to the gym that day because I talked to my boyfriend about my struggles. He knew I had been struggling all along so he wasn’t surprised when I came out and explained how miserable I actually had been.
-Side note: I am a problem solver. Once I have found a problem, I will fix it. I won’t spend time relishing over the problem, I will go above and beyond to fix whatever the issue might be.
I talked to my former boyfriend about the steps I should take and if I should email my coach and explain to her that I couldn’t continue training with her and how I needed time to heal and recover from this disordered mindset. This was by far one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I’ve ALWAYS had a training schedule! Not once have I gone into the gym and didn’t know exactly what I was going to do for that workout session. I was organized, I planned everything and I was prepared.
Now…I felt vulnerable, unorganized and I had a lack of preparation because someone wasn’t planning my workouts. I was confused.
I decided to shoot my coach a long and detailed email explaining why I couldn’t continue working with her. I was so nervous that once I received an email back I never opened it. I still haven’t.
After sending an email to my coach I knew I had to tell my family….
I sat down and wrote 5 pages worth of struggles, events and fear that was driven by the eating disorder. I copied 3; two for my sisters and 1 for my dad. God, this was so hard. They were so supportive and loved on me unconditionally.
I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.
I struggled to change. It was so hard. I knew I had an issue that needed to be dealt with and fixed so I became obsessed with change. I started listening to podcasts that dealt with struggling with eating disorders and the first thing they would suggest for recovery is telling your closest friends and family.
Oh, Lord.
I read numerous self-help books, specifically for eating disorders. I cleaned out my FB feed and IG feed of anything and everything that made me have comparison (i.e. bodybuilding account, IG stars who were fit, macro and ‘clean eating’ accounts) because I now knew this wasn’t reality, I journaled every single day about my thoughts towards recovery. I had no idea what hunger was. I couldn’t pin point when I was hungry, what I wanted to eat or when I should eat. I had been under macro counting and eating under an eating plan for so long I hadn’t ever had to think for myself when it came to food.
I was lost.
My dad would get so frustrated with me because I couldn’t tell him when I was hungry. I couldn’t be mad at him because he had zero comprehension of my struggles or my mindset with food. His thoughts, just like any normal person, would be, my stomach is growling…I must be hungry…I’m going to eat now. Instead of mine, which was, My stomach is growling…does that mean I should eat or I should drink more water?....What should I eat if I did end up eating?...I didn’t work out so I probably shouldn’t eat a lot…Maybe I should just eat some vegetables or protein…But that doesn’t sound good…What sounds good?....Pancakes…That sounds good, but there’s no nutritional value in pancakes, there’s too much sugar, there’s no protein and all I’d want to do is slather it in peanut butter, and peanut butter has way too much fat…I also don’t have any sugar free syrup, which sugar free isn’t even good for you so I probably shouldn’t eat that anyway….I don’t even have the protein pancakes brand mix so it would just be the regular pancake mix and I can’t have that because it has too many carbs…….I can go on and on.
It was exhausting.
Eating should be simple, but it definitely wasn’t.
This was the longest progression of recovery. After telling my family I started documenting everything on Twitter, Tumblr, my business FB page and IG. I knew that if I had been dealing with these issues I knew that someone else had been dealing with them as well. I wanted to be that person who brought freedom and a great message to someone who needed it. I wanted to be able to tell these women that they are worth it and they make a difference despite the lies they’ve been telling themselves.
I worked so hard on my recovery!
Coupled with journaling and posting on social media I practiced words of affirmation. And when I say I practiced words of affirmation, I mean I spent hours writing phrases of ‘who I was’ and words proclaiming victory all over my mirror in my bathroom. I took white copy paper and on each piece of paper I wrote something different, something uplifting and motivating. I covered half of my mirror in my bathroom so I could see them and say them to myself everyday.
I had a ritual. Every morning I’d stand in front of my mirror (not looking at myself) and would say each phrase on those pieces of paper.
Did I believe the words coming out of my mouth at the time?
HELL NO…
But did I do it anyway, because faith comes by believing and believing comes by hearing?....
HELL YES…
Do I believe those things now because I made it a habit to say them every day?...
HELL YES…
On my body length mirror I wrote ALL over it in marker claiming more words of affirmation and positivity.
I also had strict rules so I wouldn’t be tempted to think negatively towards myself, such as not looking at myself in the mirror naked or when I was getting ready for school. Some of you might think, “But aren’t you supposed to look at yourself and think positively about the way you looked right then? Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to do all along?”
Yes, you’re right, but I’ll be honest with you at that moment in my recovery I wanted to feel like a straight beautiful badass without looking in the mirror, because if I had already felt like a beautiful badass and something in the mirror distracted me from feeling that positivity towards myself I would’ve backtracked and started relapsing on the negative thoughts. I was trying to stay clear of all ‘triggers’ (I hate that word) for myself personally and looking at myself naked was one of them.
I read numerous self-help, motivational and recovery from disordered eating books. I was a professional at reading by this point.
I read one book in particular that encouraged doing yoga and meditation when you could feel your mind and thoughts shifting to distractions or negativity.
You know what?......it actually helped! I can’t remember anything else in that book (it was too ‘yogi woo-woo’ for me) other than one simple yoga/meditation practice that would center my mind back on the ‘here and now’ instead of on the food, exercise, clean eating or macros. I still use these practices today!
Hold please….you’re thinking today? I thought this whole thing was about recovering from depression and eating disorders!
Well princess, you’re not wrong; however, once you’ve been addicted to something you’re going to have those addictions come back to haunt you occasionally.
Let me explain further.
I’ve spent years conquering disordered eating habits. Is there still a portion of me that struggles occasionally with thoughts of comparison? Sure, BUT because I had my rituals and proclaimed those words of affirmation, I truly believe them now and I say those phrases and who I believe I AM to myself every single day.
You see, recovery and victory is a process. A very long, long, long process. It’s hard. It’s mentally exhausting. It’s taxing. Sometimes you’d rather just throw in the towel and jump back on that addictive train because it’s comfortable. But you also know that past the blood, sweat and tears is peace of mind, love and contentment.
I’ll be vulnerable and honest with you.
Have I binged and purge all while stating and hash tagging about eating disorder recovery? Yes.
Have I felt guilt and shame if I ate a yummy meal for a holiday? Yes.
Have I felt disappointment if I went over my calories and/or macros for the day? Yes. What’s the difference now?.........
Now, I don’t dwell on those things.
Now, I notice the feeling. I notice where the feeling is coming from and why I’m feeling that way and take a moment and let myself feel that way. Then I either meditate on the good, I speak affirmations, I proceed to tell myself that life is NOT about those worries and I list things I’m specifically grateful for to put my mind back on track. I’ve been doing this for so long that this process happens in just a few seconds then I’m back in the right mindset and back to conquering the eating disorder that once controlled every aspect of my life.
Do these struggles happen every day like they used to when I first started the recovery process? No.
I’ve trained my mind to prioritize things in life. Now the numbers on a scale and the ‘feelings’ towards food is not a priority in my life.
I’ve learned that losing weight, hours spent in the gym, cardio, the foods I eat and sacrificing time with friends and family is NOT what life is about. I would lay awake at night planning my meals out on the app MyFitnessPal, which calculates macros and calories and I would calculate to the very last gram what I was going to eat the next day. So number one, I could hit my designated macros for the day and so I could save time and stress throughout the next day planning food. This was such an unhealthy mindset and approach towards meal prepping and planning meals in general. I’ve spent so much time practicing healthy habits that I can meal prep without the mental struggle of calculating every morsel of food.
How did I approach recovery?
I approached recovery very quickly because I knew I had an issue and I wanted it resolved as soon as possible. I HATED knowing that there was an issue with my mental status! I thought I had been ‘doing everything right’ until now…
I filled my mind with nothing but uplifting, positive reminders that ‘gym life’, counting macros and my weight weren’t on my ‘priorities list’. I was reading a book on recovery and the author asked the readers to journal 5 things that we loved doing that wasn’t based around food or exercise.
Do you know how many I listed?
One.
I literally couldn’t think of anything except for writing. I was dumbfounded and embarrassed. It was coming to focus that I had been a slave to the fitness lifestyle and hadn’t let anything else enter my life……no new forms of movement, no new experiences, no new relationships, no new adventures…..nothing.
Though I had listed one thing I loved doing besides exercise, I started doing that one thing more and more and more.
Lets review how recovery was approached throughout this time. Some of these steps have already been discussed so bare with me.
-Reading/Meditation/Yoga
-Podcasts
-Cleaning social media
-Words of affirmation
-Eating without distractions
Podcast listening was vital to my recovery. I listened to the Mind Body Musings Podcast hosted by Maddy Moon, and she gave numerous tips on how to recover and the steps she took for her recovery. One in particular was to clean out all social media accounts of people you were following that would make you question your own body or life AND REPLACE it with something NOT fitness related; such as, beaches or puppies. Girl, do you know how many beach and dog accounts I follow on IG?! Too many at this point! She made it clear that if you take something out it NEEDED to be replaced with something uplifting and beneficial. This fills your mind with positivity instead of a deprivation. So one afternoon I sat down and scrolled through the accounts I had been following and if their account was no longer beneficial to me I deleted that account and added an uplifting account that made me smile, dream or yearn for self-growth.
Words of affirmation.
I won’t go too much into detail about this because I’ve already covered this topic extensively above.  I just want to drive home how incredibly IMPORTANT talking over YOURSELF can be. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it at the moment because if you’re consistent and you keep proclaiming those words over you your brain starts to believe it. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, ‘fake it till you make it’? This is a perfect example!
Eating Without Distractions
This was an odd one for me to practice, but it was very effective. Nine times out of ten we’re busy while we’re eating; talking to someone, on the computer or playing with your cell phone. There was a challenge on a podcast that had you eat with no distractions. Eat while doing nothing else besides eating. Kinda weird, but this gave you a chance to appreciate food for what it is……food.
Without any distractions you’re able to appreciate every bite, the different tastes and smells and the texture to be grateful for being able to eat. If we’re distracted we’re usually finished with our meal before we actually realize what the food had tasted like because our attention isn’t at the task at hand. Ultimately this procedure formed gratitude and thankfulness for the food you were consuming. Just getting into the mindset of thankfulness is one of the most effective tools for recovery.
In Conclusion…I write this just so I can get the most important aspect across…struggles with depression are different. Not one is the same and not one situation that causes depression is the same.
Depression should not be downgraded.
I explained how I was raised in a wonderful Christian home with amazing parents, and guess what? I was depressed, I had substance abuse issues and I was addicted to food, or a lack there of.
LISTEN!
Now, it doesn’t matter what type of addiction, issue or struggle you have YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!! You are worth MORE than the sleepless nights due to anxiety, you are worth MORE than the cuts on your arm, you are MORE than skipping meals, you are MORE than making yourself throw up, you are MORE than using alcohol to cope, you are MORE than pills, you are MORE than feeling like sex is the ONLY way you feel worthy, you are MORE than what other people say or do to you, YOU ARE MORE!!
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, who did what to you or what you’ve been through….those scenarios do NOT have to define you! There might be someone in your life telling you that you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not fast enough, you’re not talented enough….BUT their words do NOT have to define who you are as a person! Those words don’t have to mold your future or your potential!
You were designed and you are destined for GREATNESS!!!
Here’s the kicker though, are you ready?I watched a motivational speech by Will Smith and he spoke about Fault and Responsibility.He stated that it is NOT your fault that those things happened to you, but it is DAMN sure your responsibility to do something about it and to not let those words mold you into a person who falls victim and believes the whole world owes you something.
Being in ‘victim mode’ only sets you up to lose.
Victims do NOT succeed!!
Casting blame on others gets you nowhere!I’ll be honest with you in saying that I’ve lost a lot of relationships because they lived in victim mode—nothing was there fault and their sadness and depression were all due to something that had happened to them in their past. I’m not discrediting their awful experiences, because nobody deserves to be treated that way. But instead of using those experiences as fuel to live a better, kick ass life, they’ve chosen to do the exact opposite and live a life of blame. And let me be the first to tell you, their lives are miserable. They’re not happy people. They’re not content with their lives, they’re depressed and they suffer addictions.  It’s very sad to see because, like you, they were created for greatness.
I hope you’re starting to realize your worth and your potential through this post. It may take some time to start believing in your worth and start believing you’re more than what other people say and more than what society says about you, but once you’ve grasped that concept, nothing, I mean NOTHING will be able to hold you down from your potential and GREATNESS in life!!
You are more.
You are more than depression.
Depression doesn’t have to define you.  
My main purpose of writing this bit of biography and my main purpose in life is to show you that depression can come in every shape and size. Depression can occur to someone who’s been abused and depression can occur to someone who’s had a great upbringing. Depression doesn’t favor anyone. My other main purpose in life is to also tell you that YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE! Life is hard and I lived my life acting like it wasn’t hard and everything was fine. Please don’t do that! Here are some findings of a National Institute of Mental Health study of 10,000 teenagers (ages 13 to 18) with eating disorders. Researchers found that the majority of teens with eating disorders did have contact with mental health care, school services, or general medical services. But, LESS THAN A THIRD had talked with a professional about their eating or weight problems.
Do you know what this means??
These mechanisms of depression CAN be AVOIDED! I wouldn’t have gone to anybody either and that’s what I’m here for…to come to YOU and express my empathy and love towards you! I get it! I get laying awake at night in misery and anxiety. My anxiety was all derived from my physical appearance and substance abuse but your anxiety could stem from something totally different, but I get it!
If no one has told you, “I love you”, or no one has encouraged you lately, well sister, I FUCKING LOVE YOU and I encourage you to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Keep pressing through this crippling depression, because I PROMISE you if you give it your 100% effort to recover, you will recover and gain SO much strength to help another woman who might be struggling.
Sister, thank YOU so much for reading this post. It means the absolute world to me! Please pass this on to whomever you think would need it! I love you!!
You are destined for greatness!!
Love,
Bethany
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serendibidibidis · 6 years
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Thanksgiving 2.0 but softer… & longer
(Back in November I did a really cheesy post about some people who make my heart happy. And today I’m gonna do it again because fuck platonic relationships not expressing love.. I have more to say.)
@aomgworldwide this list is in no particular order, expect for you… lmao. You get the top spot, only because you supported me becoming an official blog. (You liked the post about the porn account reblogging me and I found it funny so here you are.) I know we only like interact through likes and reblogs really but I still love and appreciate you.. I always fan girl a bit when you like/reblog something of mine. Because you’re just damn. (Sorry I'm clumsy and accidently deleted the person who was right under you originally so I think the two morphed together?!)
@mybrainsamess hello hi hey what’s up how are you?! I hope you’re having a good day!!!! And that you’re doing well!!!! Recently I took a test to see which house I’d be in, but it told me huffle puff I don’t think that’s right because I read the snake one (I forget the name) and that seems more like me… plus I’ve got lots of snake puns. So I was kinda dissapointed. But I thought I should tell you. Anyways I hope you’re doing well. (Also I still don’t know your name because I’m too chicken to break the bond of mystery you had so that’s why I haven’t talked to you I’m sorry!!!)
@seungcci IF YOU WONT SUE I WILL. All though I’m glad we found a common ground, catfishing sugar daddies. I’m gonna take my half of the money hire the best damn lawyer out there and sue. That’s such plagiarism (I say as I deadass copy and paste answers for school 80% of the time) thank you for always putting up with me btw. I’m really overdramatic and probably a pain to deal with. So thank you for sticking through it so we can cry over the lack of bastarz songs together. I seriously love you more than ri loves gucci..
@ssamdominic wow hello a queen thats met bts 😭👏😂 my idol an icon the true star. Thank you for being supportive on me on my other account. You were my first supporter and I know I’ve been lacking with supporting you I’m sorry I gotta get my shit together. But yeah I love you and if you don’t start modeling soon I’ll fight.
@merlionmen hey there (Wow awkward) I’m sorry my tags haven’t been funny lately. I’ll have to fix that. However i hope you’re still finding things to laugh at because the world needs to hear more of your laughter. Not to mention wow your face is such a gift to this earth. I hope you’ve recived a lot more love!!!!
@8bityeol hello 🖐 it’s been a while, are you doing good? I hope you’re eating well and staying hydrated!! I love you lots and I hope you have a great day
@coffee-and-kpop / Kenna sorry I don’t know your personal blog and I’m to lazy to look (whoops) thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me you are so supportive of me and motivate me to do better. You want me to create content and you push me out of my comfort zone to write how I want to. I can’t thank you enough for that. Also good luck in Korea. I hope you find your boy and tell him to calm the fuck down. (Also remember if he hurts you I’ll beat him up) don’t let anyone give you shit because you look different. you’re a fucking babe. If they don’t see that it’s cause they’re blind. I love you so much & I’ll fight everyone who doesn’t.
@coffee-and-kpop / Luna I also don’t know your personal blog and I’m to lazy to find it but wow you’re such a soft little bean. I wish I could hug all of your suffering out of you. Also I want that professor’s email address thanks. I’m gonna fight him & everyone else making your life difficult. You also have given me a chance because you believe in me or maybe because Kenna told you to lol but I believe in you so much more beyond your works. I’m proud of you and I love you so much okay. I’m always here for you!!
@soul-less23 I’m so glad you’re back 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️ (I’d continue the hugs but then you’d be the whole post and I’m trying to include more than just you my love) you’re such a beauty. First off. Your Snapchats 👌 I have to wait like a week before I open them to prepare myself for that cuteness!! Next up you’re trying to murder me (But I’m not complaining) you’re such an Angel and you tag me in such amazing posts and I could scream because God bless. I love you so much and you we’re like my first mutual and friend on this blog so I’ll love you forever.
@jjeonguk A STUNNING ANGEL. WHO LIKES FERRETS what more could anyone ask for really?! I hope that you’re days have been going good and you’ve been feeling better. If you need a spam of ferrets hit me up though. Seriously you’re so precious my heart can’t handle it. I hope the world treats you gently bby
@ludeere the exact deffination of “what a babe” tbfh. you’re a goddess. I’m so soft for you. Seriously you’re such a pure angel and I love you with everything I have. Like wow. How can you be real?! I’m speechless. Nothing I have to say is good enough for you because you deserve so much more. Please take care of yourself!!
@namjoon-moon we communicated once in the form of Namjoon. And I fell in love. I hope your day is going beautifully. You angel!!! don’t forget Namjoon and I love you very much.
@wonpillily hi I miss you, I hope schools treating you well. Please come back soon. I love you. Stay safe!!
@smittenbyschmidt oh wow look who it is?! The person I’d fake my death for. (I’m sorry, I’m way too dramatic) first off you’re blog, 👌👌👌 idk what’s more perfect your blog or yourself because damn. I am utterly in love with your edits I wish I would’ve found you sooner.. I can’t wait for the day one of you’re edits gets used on a shitty gossip site and they think it’s real… that will truly be the best day ever. Also congratulations on submitting everything!! I hope everything goes amazingly well for you (I know it will) but seriously keep me updated!!
@noona-clock I don’t know either one of you really well or at all honestly but, you’re one of those mutuals who we both interact through likes and reblogs and I feel like I could tell you I killed a man and you’d help me dispose of the body. (Wow dramatic much.) Like you give off such a warm vibe and I love the both of you to death. And your works are equally as amazing as you are!!
@127hearts it’s 11:11 as I’m writing this and I wish that you never scare me like that again okay thank you. I just found your blog wow I’ve been missing out. But please continue to kill me with everything you do (Also if you ever actually started losing interest or anything know that I fully support you because you shouldn’t feel forced to do something for others) Anywhooo you’re adorable & your blog is amazing and yeah I hope you have a great day!! I’d love to be a friend of yours and I’m sorry in comparison to everyone else your message was kinda weak but I hope your day is as bright as Ten’s smile okay Ily 💕
~
Wow I started this as 6am it’s now 6pm.
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tryingtobelitaf · 7 years
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I slept with a pastor
We had planned to meet within just 2 days of talking. This must have been one of the fastest meet-ups I’ve ever done asides from hook-ups, I thought. For starters, his profile was a long-ass cheesy essay about life, passions and about understanding relationship dynamics. I was surprised myself that I actually read through the whole thing. 
Ah, a short look into our conversation history also showed that he complimented my smile 4 years ago on the very same platform. How funny. 
But he made a move again (a conversation starter, I mean), and while he did not introduce himself to me it wasn’t like I didn’t know who he was. He was prominent, perhaps too prominent. I have seen his Facebook posts, articles about him, campaigns which he spoke out for, the news, and it was odd that a nobody like me who only came across his writings on social media was now talking to a somebody. I admit, there was that novelty. I guess I understood and saw how being a huge ambassador for a controversial issues in this country could potentially bar one from finding dates. After all, I did read that article, about how being in his place in this society has largely been detrimental to his dating life. But I cannot deny, there was a bit of a pressure thinking of meeting him. 
Coming from an oddly liberal but also conservative Christian family, my general impression of Christians and Christian leaders have largely been skewed, mostly in a negative way. It didn’t help that there was all this anti-gay counselling or worst still, parents spewing out bible verses word after word, sentence after sentence at you everyday through whatsapp. I mean, I understand it’s their way of showing concern but for someone who’s a “backslider” and have completely lost interest in learning about the Bible or staying in church, these things can be more than just a drab. 
But I digress. 
So I started off my day with waking up late. He had invited me to his house for lunch and I readily agreed, which was rather bold and daring for me to do so. Loads of things could go wrong, I thought to myself on my journey from my house to his. He could be like my parents, he could have used this as an evangelical move, he could be a weirdo, he could be awkward, he could have been someone with evil intentions that I just haven’t been able to see through yet, what if he poisons my food, what if he locks the door and doesn’t allow me leave. Of course I had all these thoughts. But I figured, someone of a certain social status probably wouldn’t dare be too bold in action. And yet, I also knew he was a pastor. Is there then a certain way I have to act in front of him? Is it gonna be all about God, would I have to sit through a sermon within the comforts of his home (wasn’t even sure if it was gonna be comfortable), is it not weird that he’s both gay and a pastor and i’m at his house? Me, a young adult that’s probably about 20 years younger than him. He’s closer to my parents’ age than he is to mine. He was midway through the army when I was born. So many thoughts. 
He lived in a mature estate. Quiet, full of greenery…and loads of senior citizens. Upon turning down the street, I honestly wondered if I was at the right place. I felt out of place, being the only seemingly young one out of a bus full of adults who looked at the very least 55 and above. A stark juxtaposition catches my eye, a new block of HDB flats against the mature estate which encompassed the surrounding geography. It was slightly comforting to know that perhaps I wasn’t the only one who stood out, that the architecture was my solace for that fleeting moment. I mean, this whole thing felt very out of place to begin with. It was so different, and even he sticks out in this small Singaporean community. 
Against the backdrop of old apartments and moss ridden walls, his house was vastly different. A door, with an electronic sorta lock. No shoes outside (he later explained that there were shoe thieves lurking about). His house was a balanced mix of white, brown and black. It was actually very aesthetically pleasing and my eyes were indeed very comfortable with its sight. The walls were full of frames of pictures, over at one corner lies a shelf full of Star Wars collectibles (I made a reference to my dad’s mini collection of Star Wars items which pales in comparison with that of his…also probably not a good idea to bring that up since the whole age thing could have been iffy). No bible verses at all, that was perhaps the thing which stood out the most to me. His study was connected to a rather alright-sized living room. Books, everywhere. And a Mac sitting on a table at a corner against the bright light of the windows which were stifled and trapped by the blinds. I was impressed, and also very surprised. 
He explained that his ex helped him with the interior design of the place. After all, “he knows me quite well”, a fact which I found slightly difficult to swallow just because I’m not at a point in my life where I’m friends with any exes. To begin with, I’ve only had one creepy ex (whom I rather not come into contact with) and a gazillion other dates that have gone awry. This conversation took place in his kitchen, which I also commented had a very modern look on it. I actually quite liked it, and again he did mention how his ex knew that he would like loads of space on the table tops. 
So there he was, a man 20 years older than me, standing taller than me. He wasn’t muscular or anything, physique wise there was nothing that was that stunning to be really honest. He looked just like you and me, just like everyone else who had a job, who could cook (I can’t but you get the point I’m driving). And even in his state of maturity and experience, he seemed to possess a sense of child-likeness which paled in comparison to my pre-conceived impressions of who he was and what he did for a living. It was not only a refreshing sight but also a deeply riveting and quirky one. He was cooking pasta, and was pouring out mentaiko which he bought. I asked if I could help with anything but he was hospitable enough and politely declined. Then again, I wouldn’t trust myself with any kitchen equipment either. The bright pink shade of the mentaiko was very compelling, almost like his character. He briefly mentioned that he didn’t know why the mentaiko was bright pink, but also interrupted it with some roasted vegetables and an egg on top. Upon cracking open the egg, he realized the texture wasn’t what he really expected, but quickly dismissed it with the fact that he hadn’t let it out of the fridge for a long enough time. Basically, there was nothing very odd about this scene. Like most kitchen scenes, it was what you expected. Except, I felt a bit awkward as I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like we knew each other very well and I wasn’t exactly comfortable with the silence precisely because of that. 
Lunch was ready pretty quickly and we ate over his dining table, against the light which seeped in so readily without the blinds stifling over its luminosity. The conversation took a bit more momentum here. It started out slow but gradually picked up its pace and moved along. The only thing that remained slow was my eating speed as for some reason, a combination of nerves and trying to adapt to that new environment and a new person sitting right in front of me had caused me to feel less hungry than I usually am. It was mildly torturous but the mentaiko pasta did help me along with that to a certain extent. 
We talked about life, about university (and how NUS has changed largely from when he was there), about life in hostel, about my passion. Honestly, at one point in time I just felt like I was talking too much, almost too eager about what I’ve done. I know at that moment a conscious thought did cross my mind, that I should ask more about what he does and more about his passions as well. But a part of me did not want to know that either. It was as if I felt awkward asking that question, while another part of me already kind of knew what he worked as. Maybe it was just my body and mind’s natural state of defence against talking about God and christianity. On hindsight, it would have been good to talk about that, but I also vaguely remember attending a talk of his back in Utown a couple of months back and slowly zoning out as I did not completely understand what he was saying, nor did I completely agree with some of his interpretations. They felt…very deliberately milked out of itself. I didn’t want to admit to myself later that I might be at a false prophet’s home. We talked about my parents and my life, and when I came out, and basically the entire shitty life I had a couple of years back. His response was oddly enough almost the same as everyone else whom I had recollected this story to. I thought that his pastoral outlook would have overpoured me like Jesus’ sweet blessing at the altar at this point but that wasn’t the case. He maintained a concerned but kind posture and was a very good listener. Probably also a result of his job, I presume. 
We talked about expectations with dating, about my horrid dates and all. I haven’t dated anyone in a while, at least not seriously. But I also did explain that I wasn’t exactly in a rush to find one either. There are moments at night where I mope and I wish I had a partner, but more often than naught, I’m pretty self-sufficient and have clear goals and ambitions to work towards and live for. I’m not at a point in my life where I feel the intense urge to settle down. I’m 20 years younger after all. But of course, the case was slightly different for him. He was ready to settle and probably wishes to settle. He probably was very eager to date since his job hasn’t exactly encouraged any momentum in his dating life. He expressed explicitly, interest for me, about how he would have jumped at the opportunity of dating me if he was 20 years younger. Not that he won’t know, he just says there are a couple of things he has to check to see if it’s in place since we are at different phases of our lives after all and that can be hard to reconcile I guess? It was interesting to hear that, once again, especially coming from a pastor. You would think that pastors are the holy sort, the sort that seemed very calm and saintly, with a knack for leadership in a religious sort of way, very composed and at the very least, very mindful of the way he or she acts in front of others. He is not like that, he’s just like one of us. And maybe my impression of what a pastor should be has always been inaccurate since pastors are people too. Just like how celebrities are people, researchers are people, construction workers are people. But against what has been inculcated into me regarding how pastors should behave, this stood out the most to me. His eagerness and enthusiasm might unfortunately not be met with the same amount of energy as I have yet to come to terms with the fact that I might potentially be seeing a pastor. In my head, I am unable to wrap my thoughts around that because what I know has already been etched in me and that is hard to change. Personally, I also felt like there would have been a lot of pressure dating someone of such prominence as well, not that outsiders have to matter but when you’re a figure a lot of people look up to, you need to be mindful of your actions. I don’t want to have to fit myself within the confines of such pressures, and I don’t want to have to know what others’ will think of me. Yet, that might almost be inevitable because an overthinker will always be wondering what the christians will think of me, what my parents will think of me, what my family will think of me, what my friends will think of me and what the community might think of me. These thoughts scare me enough to pull away large amounts of my strength and energy, enough to stop myself from a risky investment. 
After about an hour and a half of conversation, he stopped to ask if I had wanted alcohol, to which I declined because there was no way I was drinking in some place I was mildly uncomfortable, and I also had to sing after that. He decided to have a bit of whiskey, and I assumed the conversation would have gotten back. After all, he did say that he didn’t quite want this to be a hook-up either since I’m apparently better worth in my personality and conversation topics. He was also again, a pastor, so I wouldn’t have expected a hook-up. Maybe he did do hook-ups, but maybe it won’t happen to me. I wasn’t that boggled down by that anyway. A good conversation might just be better above all things else. Besides, the hospitality which I have received have been great. 
But after his small dosage of whiskey, he came over to my side of the table and sat right beside, stretching his arm out right by my waist. Now two things were distracting me, his whiskey breath as well as the fact that a prominent pastoral figure was about to get intimate with me. Don’t get me wrong, there was consent, it wasn’t that I didn’t want it, but on second thought, I think it would have been better if it didn’t happen. He started getting real close to me, close to my neck, he started tongueing and kissing my neck and my ears (ok, this one I don’t understand, so many guys have done it to me too I don’t understand what’s the craze tbh). I lay in for a bit of a kiss. We stop and we head to his bedroom, continuing the making out process on his bed. Then the clothes off, and the rest is history. 
It was a pretty quick one, primarily also because I felt an intense urge to pee. But at the end of it, whilst dressing up he leaned over for a hug and was more than hospitable during the last moments I was in his house. I continue to note how big of a Star Wars fan he was whilst I use his bathroom to wash up. That gets him started but thank goodness not long enough to warrant another hour of post-cumming conversation. After all, I had other plans after that. As I put on my shoes, I engage in small talk, so small I cannot even recall what I talked about. I was slightly eager to leave the place and have my thoughts to my own for a while. It was a lunch that had seemingly broken all the expectations I had of a certain person, a certain figure and a certain profession. It’s so odd to recount this story with the title “I slept with a pastor”, but that was also the truth. 
That is what people will know this story as, even if I started it off with no indication of his career. But at the end of the day, whether or not you’re Christian enough to count homosexuality as a sin or count adultery as a sin, all men do fall at one point in time or another. I’m not saying that this should be an excuse for us to continue doing things against our beliefs - religion after all is a social construct in my opinion. But what I’m saying is that, pastor or not, we are all people, we are all human beings of the same species. We have different circumstances, predicaments and background but we’re all human. And maybe this wouldn’t have even warranted a long reflection post at 3am if we weren’t so fixated on expecting things of others when we barely know what they do. Of course, one could argue that a pastor is of a certain calibre, sensitivity and piousness to his religion and the respective divinities central to the existence of this religion. Yet, these idealogies and expectations have caused us to categorize people time after time, sometimes in ways we really shouldn’t. And went something out of the regulations occur, it’s a heinous crime to believers and a novelty to non-believers. At the end of the day, it’s his job to keep his own family of people in his church safe. I truly believe he has no evil intentions in that, and from what I see, it seems he’s doing a good job at helping people with their struggles and needs when they really need them. He fights for what he believes despite knowing the backlash he could face and continues still step up as a leadership figure nonetheless. Again, you could argue that Christianity is a lifestyle and relationship, not just a job which you can quit or switch off once your working hours over. Yes and no, I believe everyone has their own interpretation of the Bible and God, and everyone believes in God for a reason. That argument is not invalid, but, I might then have to ask, if it’s their relationship with God, why does it matter with you then? 
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