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rosepais · 6 months

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October

October is a month of pomp and glory! To be more precise, it is the month I was born. For the last 18 years, ever since I started earning that is, I ensure, this month and I are celebrated. People have different ways to celebrate their birthdays, as for me, this is the opportunity I take from the entire year to thank the people who matter to me, and to access where I stand in terms of personal growth and take key decisions in life.

For this to happen, it is important to take break from the mundane, hence every year, I ensure to take 10 days off from work. To completely detox my mind and body and just to celebrate the fact that I was born.

This year is a little special. I turned 39! For millions out there, they do not look at this from my perspective. For me, this year will be special, because whether I get past this year alive or not, it is the last 30’s of my life. Age is just a number, indeed, but it is also a number that you will never live again. Have you taken time out to celebrate the number you have reached in your life? If you think it sounds weird then you do not love yourself enough to appreciate the air you breathe, the day you live and the people you love. Strictly my opinion alone.

Like every year for the last 18 years, I give myself a lot of credit in October. I do things that make me happy, I meet people that have stood by me and helped make my life worth living, I travel, I eat, I buy myself a gift with my own money, I write my journal to appreciate my journey in the last one year and last but not the least, I remind myself, how important I am and jot down goals to achieve for the next one year.

After diligently applying for leave, I ensured every single day is well spent. I never work on my birthday; it is a policy I follow strictly.

Mother. 1st day I dedicated my day for my mother. We would not be around if not for them. I spent time buying her the things she wanted, helped her learn how to take a video on her phone and how to place orders for groceries. She is a quick learner and now her phone memory is already filled with lots of videos!

Child. 2nd day to 4th day I took off on my planned vacation. During this vacation I took time to think and reevaluate my personal goals. Spent lot of time with my child and we both shared a lot of secrets. We understood each other better and fell in love a little more. I ensure I go to the beach every year without fail and unwind. I spent 4 days doing nothing. Just watched the ocean for hours, ate a lot and played a lot with my kid.

Me. 5th day was my birthday. It felt like a normal day except the fact that the whole day goes in saying “thank you”. I had nothing planned hence I was wondering what I should do for myself. Every year I gift myself a little something with some money saved. Suddenly it clicked that I have always been wanting a fancy body massage. I immediately booked a Swedish massage and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Had some delicious home cooked meal made by mum, later went out with my friends for dinner and then slept like a baby. A day well spent and spent happily without expecting anyone to make it happy for me. I made myself happy in small little ways. On this day, many people texted me with some very special heart-warming messages which also was the highlight of my day.

Home. 6th day I spent time rearranging my home, and decluttering. Everyone and everything need a little detox. I gave away stuff I didn’t need anymore and rearranged my wardrobe. By end of it, I realized I have enough clothes that I do not need to shop for the next 2 years. Not sure if I should be happy about this or sad.

Sleep. 7th and 8th day I did nothing but sleep. I woke up, ate food, slept again for hours. I was exhausted and needed to catch up on lots of sleep before the practical life reopened again. Sleep is so important to me I felt so good to put my sleep time on my planner. Dedicating time to nothing but lazing around my cozy bed and sleep which on usual days I can only dream off while staring at the windows of my work desk, awakened me and made me feel active. Although I will miss sleeping again.

Friends. Next couple of days I spent time meeting people who I have not met for long. It felt so rejuvenating catching up and laughing about the silliest jokes ever. Friends are my pillars of strength and the reason why I sail through life. I do not have many, but the ones I have are my pills of happiness. Non-judgemental, non-toxic, pure happy pills. It is so important to be surrounded by people who will elevate your spirits. I am blessed to have them.

During the 12-day break, while I had my moments alone, I started thinking about how I was a year ago, what were my pain areas and how have I grown past that. I took time to thank God for every moment where he gave me strength to pull past through the saddest of days.

As I enter 39, I realize I am a little stronger than I was, happier than I could ever be, a few kgs extra because of the holiday eating and a little extra grateful for everything I have and achieved. I also understood myself as a person even better. I am in love with myself and proud of who I am.

I promised myself that I would live everyday of 39th year to my fullest and promise that if I reach 40, I will treat myself to a better gift, a bigger cake, longer vacation, and more happiness without expecting anyone else to do it for me.

I am writing this blog, as silly as it may sound to some of you, to help you understand that you are not to take yourself for granted. You are beautiful, you are important and while you work hard everyday to keep others happy, take time off to celebrate YOU.

October, or any month you are born, is a special month. While the trees unwind too by shedding their unwanted leaves and revamp with new colours, I urge you to reconsider shedding your past life and growing a new one designed by you, for you.

Thanks for reading.

#birthday #self love #self worth #celebration #me time #mental health #therapy #holiday #vacation

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stephenjaymorrisblog · 1 year

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Complaining About My Grievances

Stephen Jay Morris

April 28, 2023

Is living in a Christian Capitalist Republic a try-athletic competition? Money does grow on trees. How high can you jump? You must fight to get what you need and want! If you’re a white woman, you must give birth to white boys for the master race. We need more white babies! So, ladies, Get busy! You white guys, if you’re poor, it’s your own fault! If you’re middle class, you’ve got to work harder to earn more money! If you’re a WASP billionaire, it’s because you adopted the Protestant work ethic and were anointed by God! If you should fail, it’s all your doing! Only the strong survive! The WASP ruling class needs a race of Aryan supermen to protect their empire.

Guess what: Everything you just read is a suck ass lie!

However, this is the rhetoric of not only paleo-conservatives, but of Christo-fascism, as well.

This type of conservatism is not to be confused with the classic conservatism created by Edmund Burke, an 18th Century philosopher. Nope! He would be appalled by what has become of his philosophy. American conservatism now is to protect the WASP ruling class and hypnotize the masses with Evangelical, fundamental delusion. This type of Christianity is not even mainstream Protestantism, which stimulates the question, “Will mainstream denominations ever unite and denounce Christian Nationalism?” Don’t bet on it.

Do not fall prey to Conservatives’ gas lighting. It’s not your fault if you are struggling with money. The whole capitalist system is a pyramid scheme combined with sub-genres like Ponzi schemes and money laundering. Don’t believe the lie that communists want a welfare state so the government can enslave you. The higher hierarchy of communists are rich elites? That’s not even true in China. Red China is now a capitalist state monopoly.

Instead of calling people Marxists, why not read his material? Karl Marx didn’t advocate for a welfare state, or for Transgender people to corrupt poor white children’s minds by reading fairy tales to them. You can read every word in “Das Kapital” and not find any of that. He was a philosopher, like Edmund Burke or, even, Adam Smith.

The capitalist state and I do not mix. I could never capture a career in anything because of my dyslexia and other medical problems. I was ambitious as a youth. I got a job at 13 and continued doing other things to advance myself. However, my learning disabilities stopped me from advancing in life. I do have artistic abilities, but in the USA, hardly anybody appreciates art. Conservatism has poisoned American culture. Art, intellectualism, history, and alternative philosophies are the enemies. While the rich wallow in hedonism and the hoarding of wealth, the rest of us are praying to Jesus while we yearn to have fun but can’t afford it.

There is the religious dictate to be humble and naïve. Be polite to our superiors. “Yes, sir! Yes ma’am!” Where does it get you? Nowhere! The rich can be dishonest, weak, and prissy all they want. They have class privilege, but all you’ve got is White privilege. And all that White privilege gets you are low paying jobs and the avoidance of police brutality. Class privilege triumphs White privilege.

Here I am in my senior years. I can’t afford to go to a baseball game or a basketball game. I can barely afford to buy groceries, get needed car repairs, or fix our plumbing problems. I am a senior citizen, not a Viking warrior! I can hardly do my landscaping anymore. My wife and I lost money on a house in Oregon. Now, we are almost penniless. Did we make bad decisions, or were we exploited? Is it my fault that I got cancer and suffered a heart attack? I guess it is.

And you wonder why there are so many homeless people on the streets. I guess we poor are just lazy! Right! Not that the wealthy aren’t lazy with their butlers and maids. They deserve that because they are fucking rich! What if some conservative were to cut off your left arm because they didn’t like your tattoo? You’d cry like a baby. Then they’d say, “Don’t be a victim!” Would it be moral to shoot them because they made you cry? Listen to their rhetoric! They are the biggest victims of us all! Six million Jews perished in World War II. Millions of people died from Covid. Are they not victims? How about the millions of innocent people who died because God flooded the Earth? I guess they are in heaven now, right? I am a victim, and I am not ashamed of it. I made a vow a few years ago, and it is this: I am not blaming myself anymore!!! If you’re almost penniless, it’s not your fault.

If the Left united, we could win!

#stephenjaymorris #poets on tumblr #american politics #anarchism #baby boomers #anarchopunk #anarchocommunism #anarcho socialism #anarcho punk #anarchoqueer #anarchocapitalism #anarchofeminism #anarcho nihilism #antifascist

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zu-is-here · 2 years

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Hi Zu... I have a problem. Is there a way to learn, how to be independent? To be honest, I never thought I will be alive at this age, in matter like... Train or nuclear bomb will kill me, weird imagination. So I...maybe never tried, or I'm just stupid, but still, my problem is that I'm just... Walking in my parents footprints. It won't be a problem, if I would be good as them in IT, but...I'm just not. So while 4 years of school was waste of time, and I don't really have anything to do with myself. Cuz, where they are just going into, I'm always just hit glass wall, whenever it is some tech problem to solve, or being social, or just... Doing the things adults are supposed to do, but I have no idea what's going on.

And it's scaring me. Google doesn't have anything to help me, others around are off by themselves for years by now, so I'm left behind and can't just wrap my head about what to do, or if there's is anything that I want, and not... Just doing something to be like my parents. Or brothers...

Do you know how some kids are taught to swim? They're just thrown into the water.

We're all children thrown into the adult world, the world of independence and responsibility — things we, as many think, should be good a priori in. But we learn, mostly by making mistakes, and so we adapt anyway.

Sometimes we look at others and just don't understand how they do those "things adults are supposed to do", even succeed in it. But they were once just like us, right? <3

There's only one way to learn how to be independent: get out of dependence until you're forcibly torn away from it.

There's nothing wrong with following in your parents' footsteps in a career but when it's your own choice. For now, it sounds like they forced it on you — though you don't mind, you don't see yourself in it, you just don't feel like being in the right place.

I believe that independence begins not where we're given a choice but where we put ourselves in front of a choice. So first, you should figure out for yourself what you want to do with your life and what's important to you now!

Being independent means being responsible for yourself and your decisions ᕦ(òwóˇ)ᕤ

You don't have to do IT — the main thing is that your parents provided you with an education, a really good one! Now, it's up to you to decide how you'll earn money and how to distribute your budget, whether you'll work by profession or not, etc.

As well as you don't have to be good at everything — it's just that there may be things you're good at. You don't have to be a techie if you can live without it, and you don't have to be social if you're actually an introvert.

You say, "others around are off by themselves for years by now" — but what does it mean for you to be off by yourself? To live on your own? To have a job and your own family?

You don't have to have a plan for 10 years ahead, but you must be confident in your today and, at best, tomorrow too (ùwú)☆

Make a list of things which you're independent in and responsible for! You can start with cooking, cleaning, washing. Then: buying groceries, paying bills, being responsible not only for yourself but for others too. Helping your family (whether you live with them or not) is also important!

And don't hesitate to talk to your parents and brothers about it (ówò) They're your family and they do wish the best for you, so they can help you with it.

#good luck╰(*´︶`*)╯♡#ask #tip

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ironmandeficiency · 3 years

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pedro boys + spending habits

word count: fuck if i know, wrote it thru the app

characters: din, marcus m, dave, pero, marcus p, oberyn, max, frankie, whiskey, maxwell, javier, ezra

a/n: idk what caused this to happen but it works i guess. hope they make sense

✨support my ko-fi✨

trust him with your money, your drink, your social security number, everything:

din. this man is barely scraping by on his own when you first meet him. when he adds the kid to the mix, he gets even more frugal than he already is with an old as sin ship that many people are surprised to see fly. he will have a policy of “you earn it, you choose what to do with it” and since he goes after most of (if not all) the bounties to keep you all alive, he has the final say in how most of the credits are spent. he does want you to have nice things though, so he makes sure to configure the budget to where you don’t have to pour your credits into the group’s survival money very often. it’s the least he can do. he’s very big on taking care of his people and will show that in small ways.

marcus m. he’s a single dad for a significant amount of time, he has no choice but to be responsible with his money. he has to take care of missy, keep them both fed and housed and healthy, and that’s not even touching on how expensive all of high school graduation and college will be once she gets there. he teaches missy very early in life how important money is bc he doesn’t want her to ever know how it feels to not have enough. he makes a considerable amount of money w the heroics tho so he can afford to responsibly splurge on you both, but not constantly. is very cautious abt the splurging becoming a habit

dave. yeah he may be a murderer, but he’s scary great at managing his money (to continue being able to murder). he’s got his ex wife’s alimony (that still pisses him off but that’s another story) and two girls he takes care of, there’s no other choice for him either. there’s never a worry about dave having a midlife crisis and spending money on some stupid dad thing (like a motorcycle or assless chaps or a country club membership) because he murders to keep his mind off that sort of stuff. files his taxes diligently every year the day tax season starts and will pass this wisdom to the girls.

pero. he’s very good at judging if you need something or not. if it can’t feed you, keep you healthy, kill someone, or protect you, you don’t need to buy it. definitely not a man who indulges in trinkets and frivolous things that do nothing but weigh down his horse and his person. will encourage this way of thinking with whoever travels with him to whatever extent he can, but won’t be a dick about it if you have something sentimental on your person. if it’s a necessity, he will splurge on a bed and bath at an inn but not much else for a while. cheap because he has to be

marcus p. i don’t think i have to explain this one so i won’t. no i’m not being lazy who said that?

maybe you’ll be fine if he’s in charge. maybe:

oberyn. being a prince (and himself), there are different ways this could go. he spends his money frivolously at brothels & on his daughters + other loved ones (as well as other luxuries) and doesn’t really seem to be the type to keep tabs on it all as he goes. but... he’s a prince in a prosperous kingdom and so there isn’t really a worry for money. he’s known as the red viper for many reasons, including his clever nature and the ease with which he can get what he wants thru whatever means necessary. if you want for something that he can’t buy, you know he will find a way to get it for you (which can be a problem sometimes).

max. he’s good with money in the sense of perpetuating capitalism — that’s the red flag here. hell, he’s gonna be investing into bitcoin and who knows what stock market bs & bc it’s max, of course you trust him. max can’t control the stock market tho, so sometimes things are a little iffy. it always evens itself out though, and you make sure in the future that he invests his money instead of your joint money. he’s still gonna share anyways, it just helps you have a little more peace of mind.

frankie. he just wants to take care of you, okay? you can’t fault him for that 🥺 he maneuvers his budget around to make sure he can do all these nice things for you while leaving his own needs unchecked, which isn’t okay. he just wants to provide for the ppl he loves the best he can, but the problem begins when he starts to think he isn’t doing enough. his insecurity & lack of self-worth (fueled by his guilt for “not being everything you deserve”) is what makes him agree to the Trip™️ in the first place. once he comes back & sees you frantic, only wanting him home and not giving a flying fuck about the money, does he realize that you’re devoted to him and not what he can do for you.

whiskey. working for statesman made him forget what things really cost bc he suddenly never had to worry again about not having enough money. being with someone that isn’t practically made of money will snap him back into reality. he looks at his bank statements and his balance occasionally, but our big spender cowboy hasn’t really counted money as something he worries about for a while. when he constantly showers you in expensive gifts (only the best for his baby, that’s his motto) and you tell him that he has to not do that bc he’ll go broke, he plays it off because he doesn’t remember having to worry. separate bank accounts are only because you want to make sure your money is being spent smartly (even though jack has offered constantly to pay for literally anything you need).

don’t give him anything you want to see again:

maxwell. as much as i love this dork, he’s absolute shit with money. when his business is falling apart (bc he made the stupid ass decision to buy the oil rigs no one wanted bc they weren’t producing oil), he throws it all into saving face and trying to make investors buy into something that isn’t there. what a smart business man would’ve done was liquidate his assets and possibly try to get into a business that will yield at least some profit. he does learn his lesson tho and eventually can be trusted with money, but even he is hesitant to do anything with the household finances. he’s a dreamer, and dreams and money are the same as oil and water.

javier. i know you’re possibly surprised but hear me out. he’ll go all in to get info, whether he’s spending american taxpayer money or his own money or anyone else’s, if it’s valuable info that can be bought, it’s gonna be bought even if he goes without groceries for the next two weeks. before being with you, it was booze and prostitutes and cigarettes that ate away at his checks outside of buying information. the only thing that really changed once you got together was the prostitutes and slightly less cigarettes and booze. however, when he goes back to laredo permanently, he’s perfectly capable of keeping his shit in line. he’ll balance every checkbook in sight and run a tight af ship.

ezra. this man is a scavenger by necessity, a con man by choice. he has a silver tongue and a roguish charm and pretty questionable morals; he’s not gonna have any issue with getting his hands dirty. he’s probably gonna use your joint money to try and pull a fast one on some unsuspecting stranger (“it’ll double our money,” he says, “it’ll be fine,” he says), but then said stranger will end up turning the tables and leave you both absolutely broke. yeah he will feel guilty, no doubt. the only problem is that he won’t take it as a “hey don’t do it again” lesson, it’ll be a “this is how i can improve for next time.” eventually you have to put your foot down and take control of the money and when he realizes that you’re improving your lives much better than he is, he will thank you for it.

all pedro character taglists: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @leias-left-hair-bun @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @mackstrut @torradoza @simping-for-fives @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @artemis61003 @majorshiraharu @getdookuedon @capricornrabies @max--phillips @darklingveracruz @book-of-anarchy @andysficrecs @purelypascal @whovianwar @lv7867 @hornystarwarsbisexual @kaermorons @princess76179 @pedropasscals @greeneyedblondie44 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @qhbr2013 if you don’t want to be tagged, lemme know!! the link to join is in my bio

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justlookingvm · 3 years

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Tessa Virtue’s leap from Figure Skating Olympic Champion to Executive MBA | Kneading Dough Canada

https://youtu.be/JAAkEDRFJ1A

Host: Vinay Virmani

T: If you’re going to build something, you need options in your life. I’ll say this especially as females, it’s important to be independent. To feel like you can be self-reliant and to take care of yourself.

[Intro presented by Tangerine]

V: Tessa, welcome to Kneading Dough Canada.

T: Thank you so much for having me.

V: It’s a pleasure. Kneading Dough Canada is a financial empowerment platform as you know, where we talk money, we talk mindset, we talk about financial lessons that you’ve learned along the way to hopefully inspire the next generation.

T: Well I’m so grateful to be on, I really appreciate it. I think it’s always refreshing to hopefully lend that female lens but also maybe that perspective from the amateur sport world too.

V: Yeah, you know Tessa you’ve accomplished so much, both in your personal and in your professional life. As an athlete you have achieved so many incredible honours, you’ve represented us, this country of Canada at the highest of international levels, but what I’m really excited about is you’re about to add another accomplishment in the form of three very special letters, MBA behind your name. Talk to me about that decision.

T: It’s been you know lingering in my mind for a long time. Education was always a priority in my household growing up in my family, and I thought about law school for quite some time and then I retired at 28 or 29 and thought maybe that’s too long (giggle) and realized also I wanted to flex a bit of a creative muscle. So this MBA program has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I want to be a student again in every sense of the word and I’m eager to learn the ins and outs of the business realm and that corporate sphere that I’ve had a unique perspective of, you know for 10 15 years, but if I’m going to take on a new role whatever that may be then I really want to feel like I’ve adopted that rookie mindset once again, and earned my stripes, I’ve gotten the credibility to to deserve a place there.

V: I want to take it to the world of figure skating though, because the world of figure skating is so glamorous as a sport. You know

T: I wasn’t sure where that sentence was going to land. It could have gone so many directions.

V: I I’m so like fascinated by the world of figure skating because the glamour, the imagination, the costumes, the drama, the whole production value. It looks so beautiful and elegant, but behind it there’s also rigorous routine, training and it’s not cheap.

T: Uh huh

V: So growing up, dd you have those conversations with your family and did you understand the investment that it was taking to sort of put you through the highest levels of figure skating.

T: The 2 things that my parents were always wiling to invest in or prioritize were education and sport. And it was important to them that we were exposed to as much as we could be. I’m the youngest of four. You know I’m of two minds because on one hand I do believe they tried to shield me from the burden of that sacrifice, that they made for all kids and for you know all of these adventures. But I was also keenly aware of it. I knew the the toll and I knew the cost and um you know I felt that responsibility…

V: Was there anything that you remember early on where there was an incident or a moment where you were like, I recognize like you talked about the toll.

T: My parents were so conscious to ensure that I wasn’t carrying that weight, and yet I moved away from home when I was 13 and I was kind of budgeting at that age for groceries and 7-eleven runs (laughs), whatever it is that a 13 year old needs. Taking taxis everywhere and I made a decision when I was 15 um to be able to do it on my own. My mom was always quick to say you know you have to look after yourself and you always have to make your own way and she was all about sort of creating that sense of security and freedom, so that I had options.

To be honest I had a tumultuous relationship with my father when I was a teen and I think it was just a decision, at that point. I didn’t feel right.

V: Yeah

T: I didn’t feel right accepting that kind of support anymore um and maybe it was a bit of pride you know, not wanting to

V: You don’t want to be dependent on anybody.

T: Totally. Yeah, and that’s not to say that I’m not aware of the privilege that I had growing up to have those opportunities. It was just a real marker of OK, if this is the path I’m choosing, um and I really need to make sure that I can I can do it on my own or in a way that really isn’t such a burden.

V: You know talking to you today has reinforced independence. You know being independent, not being dependent and and just being self-sufficient. And how gratifying that is, you know I think a lot of people, especially as you said, I hope a lot of young women watch this show and and really listen to your advice. And the fact that you took that decision at such an early age.

T: You know it’s interesting I found old journals not too long ago, and there was a page in one and I don’t know, judging by my handwriting I might have been 12? 11 or 12? And I had written my goals and that were, you know the to win the Olympics, be on Oprah, which I’ll settle for uninterrupted and Kneading Dough, uh buy a cottage, like buy a family cottage

V: Right

T: And at 12 that was on my mind and the feeling of walking into this cottage that my mom and I were able to dream of and then buy together, is so visceral and it’s it’s so much about, like I think back to being young and maybe not having, especially for her like that sense of security and and just really feeling like that can be a safe place now. Um so again it’s more of the representation of that.

V: I’ve heard you say something that has really resonated with me always because it’s something that I believe in. That the highs are so much better when you’ve experienced the lows. And obviously Scott Moir and yourself accomplished so many great things together. Something that I always try to tell the younger generation is, sometimes you have to just sit back celebrate your failures.

T: Well we learned to embrace it by making it part of our process, in that, not only did we anticipate failure and expect it and embrace it, well, we practiced it. So we learned to fall on demand, get back up, refocus, and

V: OK

T: be back into our program still trying to amalgamate as many points as possible.

V: You know I remember once um I must have been in grade school and I and I failed a few subjects. I was never a good student.

T: OK

V: And you know we didn’t have a lot of money at the time and I remember my my dad, I was really afraid to tell him that you know I’ve failed these courses and blah blah blah, but he said to the family, he said, alright everybody get ready we’re going for dinner. And we went to this restaurant that was only saved for like birthdays or anniversaries. And so we get there and he’s ordering all these great things on the menu and I’m like “dad, I don’t think you heard me like I failed, like I failed and here you are taking it t the restaurant.” And I remember he looked at me and he said “You know I want you to celebrate this failure. I want you to take it in because if you’re winning all the time, you’re not going to learn anything.”

T: Wow, and obviously that stayed with you

V: Oh yeah, you’re always going to learn so much more from the losses.

This next set of questions is called the two cents round, so you can’t overthink these things.

Tessa, we all know about your discipline but what do you splurge on?

T: Clothes

V: Clothes, OK, all right. What part of your budget are you working on lowering?

T: Clothes (big laugh). Actually not really because I will say, it’s more what it represents like part of that is like my I love it and it’s become also intertwined with my career and my brand if you will. Um

V: Its an investment in yourself.

T: I think so, that’s how I twist it

V: So, what is us the best financial decision you’ve made so far?

T: Hire the right people

V: Building the right team around you.

T: Yeah absolutely.

V: Describe your financial persona in just one word.

T: I want to say careful?

V: Careful.

T: Careful in that I’m strategic

V: I like that, OK

T: But I’m willing to have some fun.

V: OK, all right. Tessa if you could run any business, what would it be?

T: My own.

V: Your own. OK. All right I’m not going to push you more. [Tessa laughs]. They say patience is a virtue, how long did your first paycheck last?

T: I mean I spent my whole career basically operating at a deficit, so everything went back into training. I worked towards certain things and the you know I was really fortunate to get some funding and bursary grants, and then eventually sponsors and um was able to build this little nest egg, but mostly it went right back into training.

V: Tessa, this year we’ve been having such important and meaningful conversations about women in sport. And you know of course there’s such a long way to go for those conversations really to achieve equality, but as somebody who’s such a big advocate for women’s empowerment in sport, how do you feel that you want to lend your voice to those conversations?

T: I think, currently the biggest impact I feel I can have is really connecting with those young female athletes at that precipice of maybe dropping out um for all the heart breaking reasons that we’re learning about through research. Whether that is you know body image, or lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth, it’s just not good enough. Like the access to resources, there are opportunities, um I think those conversations are really important and that’s where I’ve been feeling most fulfilled, when I’m able to connect with those athletes and you know I’ve been able to benefit from all of the lessons and the opportunities that sport has lended it uh to my life. And I just so want that for other female athletes. And you know we’re seeing that there are more mentors, more representation, more access to viewing these formidable female athletes, and I hope that resonates.

V: Tessa, we’ve uh had the opportunity to work on a few branded campaigns together. There’s this Tessa grace, and there’s this element of everything being held to a certain standard. In everything that you do, especially things that are public facing. Talk to me a bit about that.

T: I hate the word brand but I’m going to say it, my brand has been

V: I mean you definitely have a very strong brand

T: Well it’s been built on the very foundation of me and my personality and if those values aren’t upheld in every sense of you know the word, then I’m I’m not useful to anyone. Then I’m then no brand would want to hire me, um because it if it gets diluted, then I then I just think um it’s losing the very essence of what resonates with people. And I’m really careful about that like I only partner and pair with brands that I would authentically stand behind and feel really good about promoting.

V: I love that

T: And I’m conscious of where I lend my voice and my likeness, a very clear mission statement, and you know I love to be hands on but that’s where like the creative fulfilment comes in

V: Right

T: And honestly that’s where the most successful engagement also comes. If I’m involved and it’s a collaborative process, um it’s much more successful for the brand too.

V: You know, over this past year, there’s been such a strong connection to mental health and financial wellness. Many Canadians have a very high debt to income ratio, which can be very stressful. For you, how do you protect not only your mental health, but when it comes to financial wellness. How do you really protect your sanity?

T: As an amateur athlete I grappled with that um day after day. I think it’s important to find purpose in saving and planning. So, you know my mom started those conversations with me when I was young but that was all to sort of plant the seed of like you need to plan for this. And if you’re going to build something you need options in your life. For me you know it’s helped having a corporation for example, because a lot of my money is tied up there and it it’s great um but, it’s also made me very careful and strategic in how I spend it.

V: What is your one big piece of financial advice to all young women out there?

T: Surround yourself with the right people and set yourself up for independence.

V: I love that. Financial freedom.

T: Financial freedom.

#Tessa Interview: Kneading Dough

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hybridfanfiction · 4 years

Text

Owner Training - 8

- YOONGI POV -

He knows exactly how long he’d lived on the streets. Seven hundred and fifteen days. Almost two years. Not long compared to many of the other hybrids that had roamed the area, but long enough for him. It had been cold and miserable, and he’d always had to fight for a spot under the park bridge when it rained. He’d been hungry and constantly sick, but it was still better than it had been living in any of his other previous homes.

He’d been smart when he left the last one, taking along his keyboard that a social worker had given him. Playing on that had allowed him to make enough money to keep himself fed, thanks to the guy that ran the convenience store and didn’t mind hybrids buying things for themselves. There was also the little old lady that ran a hostel nearby that let him pay for a shower and a nap, slipping him soup and sandwiches sometimes.

And then there’d been her.

The first couple of times he saw her hadn’t been some sort of love at first sight story. She’d simply been another face in the crowd that would stop by when he played, clapping and throwing some change in his bucket. It wasn’t until she’d asked if he could play Il Lamento by Liszt that he’d bothered to take a good look at her. Then once he’d looked, he couldn’t stop. Suddenly he noticed how pretty she was, how she always smelled sweet and clean with a hint of the same lemon and ginger tea every single day. How she never talked down to him.

Before long, he’d begun to look forward to her visits. Sometimes she’d bring him breakfast and chat for a while ( meaning he’d let her ramble on while he set up his spot for the day) before she left for work. Sometimes she’d stop by after a hard day at work and simply sit on a bench with her eyes closed, listening to him play. He always made sure to play something soothing on those days.

Occasionally she’d throw him way too much money which made him feel really awkward, so he’d offer to do something more to earn it. Usually, she just had him carry groceries or something else equally small just to humor him.

It was every time that she was too busy to show up that he realized he was growing alarmingly attached to this human. That was not a clever thing to do, and he’d always prided himself on being a smart and realistic guy. Humans weren’t to be trusted. They would pretend to be loving and caring, then the moment no one was watching they’d turn their hybrids into slaves and sex toys.

But then there was her, Ginger. That wasn’t her real name, of course, just what he’d taken to calling her in his head. She always smelled like the lemon and ginger tea she obviously drank often. He got so used to smelling it as soon as she arrived that he’d begun to equate that scent with...comfort? Home? He didn’t know. It’s not like she was his owner or anything, but his hind-brain was certainly attached to her.

The point was that he trusted this woman for some reason that he couldn’t quite figure out. She seemed genuine and caring, but so had others in his past. She seemed a little ditsy sometimes, but that wasn’t a bad thing exactly. It was kinda cute, to be honest.

So yeah, there were a few times he’d daydreamed about what life would be like if someone like her was his owner. Sure, he’d like to be able to not have to have an owner at all, but that wasn’t the reality of his life. Somehow, however, he thought if it was Ginger maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. She was nice, really pretty, and seemed to like him just as much.

So maybe when the most horrible storm of the year had happened and he’d been shit out of luck getting a spot under the bridge, he decided to take a shot. Worst case scenario, she called Hybrid Control. Best, she’d let him stay for the night. So he’d run towards the familiar apartment building only to find that she was still at work. All the lights were off and the door was locked. He could have slept on the porch, and he’d had every intention of doing so until he’d seen the wide-open window.

He’d sighed in exasperation at her forgetfulness. Really, anyone could just jump inside the first-floor apartment and steal her shit. He’d been racked by shivers, the cold rain firming his resolve. Better to ask for forgiveness than die of pneumonia.

He’d climbed into the bedroom window, cringing at the muddy prints he made on the floor. He’d clean it up before she got home. He sniffed, nearly moaning in happiness. It smelled so great in her apartment. He could smell her everywhere. There were occasional scents here and there that weren’t hers, but they were so faint that they obviously belonged to visitors.

He’d been terrified, honestly, but he’d been so desperate and lonely and just emotionally drained that he’d decided fuck it. If she freaked out and kicked him out on his ass, well, better to get it over with now before he got even more attached.

So he’d turned on the heat, showered, and grabbed some sweat pants from her dresser. At first, he hadn’t meant to fall asleep in her bed. He’d planned on just sitting there and waiting for his doom, but then the heat was so nice and the covers looked so soft and smelled so much like her that he figured just for a minute. He’d just try it out for a minute because it had been so long since he’d slept in such a nice bed.

When she’d woken him up after she came home, he’d been terrified. Of course, he’d long mastered the art of seeming nonchalant even while his heart was pounding so hard he was afraid it would burst. So he’d bluffed his way through, hoping that she was really as much of a bleeding heart as she’d always seemed.

Thank fuck she was, because she simply allowed him to stay with minimal fuss. In fact, he’d even gotten her to go along with him living there instead of just for the night. Of course, she’d obviously been too confused by what was happening to protest anything, but once again her ditziness was part of her charm.

That first night in her bed would live in his memory forever. It wasn’t like much had happened, but it was something to him. He’d felt...safe. Probably the last time he’d genuinely felt that way had been when he was a kitten and didn’t know any better. But laying next to her wrapped in warmth and her scent, their legs tangled together and his tail pulling her close...he’d been safe.

The days that had followed were like a dream. Every time he thought it was time for her to show her true colors, she’d surprise him instead by showing that her heart was bigger than her brain. Despite the way he forced himself into her life, she made every attempt to make him feel like he belonged there. She took him shopping, tried to cook for him despite being horrible at it, bought him a cell phone so that she could text him while she was at work. She went out of her way to find his favorite foods and shows and anything else she could spoil him with. She took care of him when he was sick and always let him sleep in the bed with her.

After a while, he began to forget that there was a time before her. There were still times where he’d call himself a fool for trusting a human, but she just had to smile at him like he was her whole world for him to think that she was the exception. She was the real deal and he wanted to be good enough for her.

When he realized that his feelings were veering into the forbidden territory of maybe actually loving this dumb human, he’d been terrified once again. Would it be better to keep it to himself and learn to live with it when she eventually got into a relationship someday, or tell her and risk losing her completely? Because, while she’d never treated him like a pet he was still a hybrid. Hybrid and human relationships were still viewed as “kinky,” something he didn’t think she was...well, not without a bit of training in the future anyway.

Learning that her own brother was in an actual committed relationship with his hybrid had been an eyeopener. She’d never expressed a single bit of disgust or disdain towards the relationship at all. They simply were a regular couple in her mind. Despite the small bump with the way she introduced him to people, he thought maybe that meant she would be okay starting something with him. Honestly, he sometimes got the feeling that she did have feelings for him already and just didn’t realize what that meant yet. He’d learned that Ginger needed to have things pointed out to her plainly in order to understand, so maybe even this was that sort of situation.

So, when his heat suddenly snuck up on him after years of being completely irregular, he’d figured what could be plainer than waving your dick around?

Truthfully, he’d been a little worried that she’d freak out, but at the same time when you’re overcome with loving someone and extreme horniness you don’t make the best decisions. Thankfully, what had followed had been the best sex of his life. And even more amazing, she’d admitted that she loved him back. Him! She actually loved him even though he was a grumpy asshole most of the time and he knew it. But luckily for her, she always brought out his softer side and he’d do anything for her.

He wanted to stay with her forever. To love her, mate her, see her belly swell with their children. To wipe her tears when she’s sad or comfort her when she’s worried. He wants to be there when she’s old and grey to remind her every day that she’s still beautiful.

He still had a long way to go to be worthy of her, but he’d spend his whole life trying.

****

It's a little short, I apologize. I've been working like crazy, but I am working on many more chapters for this as well as my other stuff. Lots of things in store for these kids. I just felt like we needed a peek into Yoongi's brain real quick.

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #hybrid!bts #hybrid #hybrid fanfiction #hybrid!yoongi #cat hybrid!yoongi #owner training #hybrids #ungnyeo

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honeyyu · 4 years

Text

Sold | Nct - 002

Summary: Cho Miso lives a difficult life, she works full time jobs to take care of her sick mom. One of those jobs being an secretary to the most rich man of seoul. As she tries to take care of everyhing, she goes looking for her dad who had left them for almost 5 years now. Coming into the life of her dad she was caught up by formal parties and events, her dad finally identifying her as his daughter. And before she could even realize, she was bought by a group powerful rich men who called themselves NCT to be their new secretary.

Masterlist

Genre: Smut (+slight angst?) and a little bit fluff

Warnings: None (only one swear word)

Word count: 2.4K

Notes: This chapter doesn’t contain any smut. I try to make this kinda like a real story that why I don’t go straight into the smut. Im sorry!! I think maybe in 2/3 chapters there will be some. Im just trying to introduce the nct members slowly. I hope this isn’t disappointing :/ Last thing, I think its Kims not Kim’s but Kim’s looks cooler idk why lol

The rest of the work day went by faster then I thought. None of the 3 Kim’s found out about the accident luckily. I did tell Tiffany, one of the personal assistants. She is also the one i’m close friends with, the one who gave the flowers I totally ruined. She could only laugh when I told her,” I already made copies of the most of them. So don’t worry about them finding out. I will email you the copies and you can retype the ones who aren’t there!” I couldn’t tell her how grateful I was. The most I could do for now was give her a big hug.

It was already passed workhours for me but at home I didn’t have access to a laptop or computer so I had to finish everything here. In the email Tiffany send me most of the papers were there, I mean the copies. I went through the now dried papers and got rid of the ones Tifanny copied. Now there were around twenty papers left for me to retype, and copy immediately before something would happen again.

All of the papers were about interviews or letters who needed to be send to other important companies. Before starting I looked at the clock on the wall behind Tiffany’s desk, who was out to get coffee for our bosses. The other two were busy moving from meeting to meeting together with the two other Kim’s.

The time on the clock was 4 pm. My mind wandered off for a second, thinking about what kind of food I should buy for dinner tonight. This job made me earn a fair amount of money. But most of it went to the debts we had to pay. And the hospital bills for my mom. This week she would stay with me until I had enough money to buy the hospital bills again.

“Ah I should really work on those papers.” I snapped myself back to reality upon seeing the papers I had to write before 6 because I would always have dinner at 6 with my mom but I didn’t know if I would make it this time. I was hoping on finishing a little before 6 so I could do some grocery shopping on my way home. As those thoughts ran through my mind I started working.

—

My eyes stayed focused on the screen as I was busy writing the last words of the letter. A loud sigh left my mouth when I grabbed the paper off the desk. Again, it was a letter. “From Mr. Kim To Mr Ch-“ I immediately stopped my sentence seeing the name on the paper. Mr Cho. It could be another man but I couldn’t let this go so easily. Was there an adress on it?

“Yes!” I jumped out of my chair with the paper in my hand. It would be unprofessional to ran out of the building and go to the adress. Not to forget I could lose my job if I did that. Only two papers to finish. With that mindset I typed the last papers in not more than 20 minutes.

My hands moved faster than normal. Computer off, papers in bag, chair under my desk, jacket on and card out. I didn’t have to tell anyone I was going. The 3 Kim’s couldn’t care more and Tifanny plus the other two girls were not at the office anymore.

The elevator was slower than usual. Or it was slower because I was excited to maybe find my dad again after five years. I didn’t really know the reason behind my excitement. He was the one who left us and he’s the source of our problems. Maybe I thought that if I would tell him how everything is with mom and me he would feel quilty and help us. Or maybe I just wanted answers to questions I had since the day he left us. And I knew that a small part of me wanted his money. I was embarrassed that I had these kind of thoughts but the money I wanted wouldn’t be for me, but for my mom. Every day she woke up she would look closer to death. Not that money was gonna fix the fact that she was ill or not but he could at least pay the hospital bills.

While making my way outside I looked up the adress on my phone. I was hoping badly that it wasn’t going to be a long route. My feet already gave up by seeing how long the walk was. At least one hour it said. Well if i walk my own speed it will be around forty minutes but still way too long for me to walk in heels. Only two decisions I could make. One, go home to change shoes, forget about dinner and just walk there or get a taxi. Option two it is then because I really didn’t have the time to walk.

Lucky for me a taxi just pulled to the side to let someone out of the car. Taking my chance I speed walked towards it. I was about to grab the doors handle but another hand reached for it faster. It was a young man. “Excuse me,” He muttered to me.

“Sorry sir, I was about to get into the taxi actually.” I politely said, trying not to make a scene. He blankly looked me in the eyes,” I never take a taxi so it’s really important. Now if you will excuse me, I have more urgent things to do then chit chat.” A breath came out of my mouth, sounding like a scoff. I didn’t mean to do that but he was being selfish. Like I had nothing better to do then talk to him,” Well I have something urgent to do too.” I replied but he already stepped into the vehicle.

“We can share!” He looked at me unamused. It didn’t look like he would consider sharing so I looked around for another orange car. To my suprise he left the door open and shuffled to the left to make space for me. I made a ninety degrees bow to thank him before stepping in. “Thank you. My name is Cho Miso.” I thanked him once again. The reason why I introduced myself was also a question to me. Maybe I was trying to be social. He looked at me once I introduced myself. His lips parted like he wanted to say something but he closed them again and looked outside.

Feeling a little hit awkward I gave the taxi driver the adress by showing letter.” You work there?” He asked me while typing the adress into the device,” Not really. I have to talk to the CEO of the building.” His eyebrows furrowed. That must’ve sounded really weird. “Ah, I mean I have a meeting. I work in that building,” I explained him while pointing to the building right outside the window. He nodded and asked the man next to me where he was heading. “The NCT building.” Both heads of me and the driver turned to stare at him in shock. Did he work there?

“Now you say it. I saw you on the news today! You are Kim Dongyoung!” Kim Dongyoung? Is he one of the CEO’s? Now that the driver said that, he was wearing a very expensive suit I recognized from the other CEO’s I often see in the building. I could never really understand people who paid so much for a pair of cothing but if you have the money I guess.

I missed the reaction of the man next to me but the driver started driving. He probably just nodded or ignored like how he did with me. My eyes somehow stayed glued to him. He had black hair, by what I could see long legs, beautiful brown eyes, nice lips. By the last thought I shook my head and whipped my head away from him. God what has gotten into me.

All I did for the rest of the ride was look outside the window, too embarrassed to even look at him. He also, was staring outside. Slowly the car came to halt. That wasn’t a long ride at all. Expected since its a car of course. I laughed a little by my own thoughts but quickly stopped when I saw Kim Dongyoung looking at me.

“Here is your stop miss.” I opened the door saying thank you at the same time. About to walk away I stopped myself, I have to pay. The device showed the amount of won I had to pay so I gave the man half of the bills I had in my wallet, hoping it was enough because I had to get a ride home too. “Have a nice meeting!” He flashed me a smile. I happily smiled back and pushed the door closed. Fortunately I saved myself some drama for later.

A loud sigh left my mouth as I looked at the big building infront of me. How do I even get in without getting stopped by the security. Taking a big risk I walked in. I was wearing office clothing so that was a good thing but I didn’t have an card to access. How was I gonna do this?

As aspected a muscular man stopped me,” You can’t go in miss” Quick think of something Miso! Thats right, I had the letter that had to be delivered here,” I have a meeting with Mr Cho? The letter with all of the information didn’t arrive in time so I came here personally to explain it.” I explained trying not to stutter too much and stretched out my arm with the paper in it so he could see. His eyes went over the paper. He nodded, believing my lie. Then he stepped backwards for me to enter, at the same time bowing.

I bowed back automatically and made my way to the elevator. It looked similar to the ones we had in our building. Made from glass and the floor of gold making it look chic and luxury. If this was my dads company he was very rich. While waiting for the elevator to arrive I thought about how he would look. What do I say. Should I introduce myself or hug him? Nah, he definitely know its me when he sees me so no need to introduce.

Ding! The elevator behind me made a sound, signaling it was open. I nearly ran into it, eager to meet my dad if this was his building. The glass elevator was filled with people in suit, golden watches and expensive bags. I felt a little out of place but that wasn’t important right now. Not sure what floor I had to stop at I waited till I reached the top of the building. Most of the time the important people like the CEO were on the top floor.

And I was right. When I reached top floor it looked alsmost exactly like the floor I worked at in the 3 Kim’s building. A receptionist, waiting room, conference rooms and the CEO’s office I could see way back behind everything with the name Mr Cho on a again golden name plate attached in the door. After examining I walked up to the girl behind the reception.

“Good evening, I have something to discuss with Mr Cho?” I couldn’t tell her I had a meeting because she could search it up on her computer and I would get send away. “Im sorry miss but Mr Cho is in a meeting at the moment. Would you like to wait?” Oh a meeting? Meeting always take a long time but if I had the luck that it was indeed my dad I was gonna meet then it wouldn’t hurt for me to wait a little while. “Yes I will wait, thank you.” With that I walked up to the seats where you were supposed to wait.

—

I’ve been here, waiting, for almost thirty minutes now and I was losing my patient. I was even so close to losing it that I wanted to walk into that conference room and yell at him for being so slow. Of course I couldn’t do that so my only option was waiting.

Tired of sitting in a chair for the whole time, I got up to get something to drink. When I arrived here I saw a water tap almost next to the CEO’s office.

Filling my cup, I looked around once again. The office walls of Mr Cho were from glass making it easy for me to take a glance of it. There wasn’t much interesting though. His desk was placed by the wall on the left. Infront of the desk a couple couches with a coffee table in the middle. Just like regular CEO offices that I’ve seen in my life.

But something catched my eye. There were three framed pictures on his desk, facing the couches. I couldn’t see them clearly so I walked a couple steps closer to the office.

The cup almost fell out of my hand. It was my dad on the pictures but not only him. Next to him there was a woman, around my moms age maybe younger and two kids, one boy and one girl who looked atleast five years younger than me. This was his new family. Otherwise he wouldn’t have three pictures with them on his desk.

I couldn’t accept the fact that he moved on from his first family. Harshly I threw the cup of water into the garbage can nearby me and I left the building with my hands clenced into a fist. Tears threatened to fall but he wasn’t worth it. He was living a perfect life with a perfect new family and money enough to take care of thousands people like my mom and me. He was so fucking selfish!

I took a taxi back to my house. The whole ride I looked outside the window with a furious expression. Probably making the driver uncomfortable because he turned up the radio so it wouldn’t be all silence. Arriving at the house I gave him the rest of the money I had in my wallet and he drove off after.

Grabbing my keys to enter the house my phone rang. The number on the screen didn’t ring any bell but I still anwered thinking that it maybe was someone from work who needed me.“Hello?” I asked into the phone, waiting for an answer on the other side.

“I heard you’ve been looking for me.”

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thepurplesquip · 3 years

Text

Ben 10/The Greatest Showman AU Chapter 2

Co-written by me and @minecraftninjerkid

Ben sat at his desk, already feeling the exhaustion kick in. He was working as a shipping clerk for the Bauman grocery chain, typing in information all day long. It was dreary and boring, two things he despised the most, but the money helped take care of his family, so he couldn’t complain.

That was until one day his boss, Mr. Bauman, burst in, moaning with grief as he padded helplessly at the side of a man in a suit, presumably someone from the marketing hierarchy, walked ahead, stone-faced.

“Ruined! I am ruined!” he wailed as he fell to his knees, sobbing grossly. Fearing this meant what he thought it did, Ben stood up from his seat, as did many of his coworkers, who gathered around their boss and asked what was wrong.

“The company’s gone bankrupt!” Bauman mourned. “All our trading ships are at the bottom of the sea! All because of a typhoon!”

A worried clamor broke out among the employees, but Ben seemed tiredly resigned to this. “Not again…oh well. At least it wasn’t my fault this time.”

“Typhoon season is FAR off,” he overheard one of his cos whispering to another. “I’ll bet it was the work of aliens!”

“Don’t be stupid, they’re off in hiding. No way those cowards would show their faces,”

“They would if it meant disrupting our lives!”

Ben packed his desk silently as his former coworkers spoke. The discrimination of aliens among humans was a common topic he overheard constantly. He personally thought aliens were beautiful and mysterious creatures, the exact kind of spark he had been seeking since he was young, but he knew better than to speak about an opinion different than the majority’s. It wasn’t time for that yet.

It was then that Ben started to worry. Without his job, how was he going to take care of his family? As he packed up his things, pondering on what to do, he noticed the slips for the lost ships were still on his desk. Looking this way and that to make sure no one was looking, he quickly packed them in his suitcase, hoping they could be of use.

Soon, Ben arrived back to the small apartment he shared with his wife, Courtney, and his two sons, Cody and Kenny. He looked around at their home, which had seen better days. It was in dire need of repairs, something he wasn’t going to be able to give for a while now.

Ben climbed up the stairs of the fire escape up to the roof, where he heard the laughter of his boys and the sweet voice of his wife.

Courtney was hanging up laundry to dry as the boys were playing a game where they were pretending to be cowboys and Indians. “I’ve got you now, pardner!” Cody jeered, finger guns trained on his older brother.

“Not for long, white devil!” Kenny shot back, windmilling his arms, throwing imaginary tomahawks. “Geronimooooooooooooooo-!”

Cody squealed and rushed to hide behind his mother. “Backup! Marshal! Protect your sheriff!”

Laughing at her son’s antics, Courtney joined in and pretended to shoot at Kenny with finger guns, but played dead when he retaliated with a well-shot pretend arrow.

Ben smiled at the warm scene as he approached Courtney, tipping an invisible cowboy hat to her. “G’evening, madam.”

“Hey, you’re home early,” Courtney said, turning to greet her husband.

“And until further notice,” Ben explained as he held up the resignation slip he and his co-workers were given.

Courtney took the slip from his and looked at it before quickly dismissing it. “Well, I didn’t think that job was right for you anyway,” she comforted him, hoping to cheer him up.

“Or any job apparently,” Ben said as he helped Cortney hang up a large sheet.

“Well, that’s what makes our life together so exciting,”

“But Courtney…this isn’t the life I promised you,”

“That’s okay. I already have everything I want,”

“But what about the magic?”

Courtney gestured to their sons, still playing their make-believe game. “What do you call those two boys over there?”

“OW! MOM! Tell Kenny Indian burns is foul play!” Cody whined.

“Not if you’re on the Indian team!” Kenny replied.

“Alright, alright, settle down, partners,” Courtney calmed her children as she put an arm around Ben. “Look who moseyed into the corral.”

The boys’ faces lit up at once. “Dad!” They ran over and hugged him tightly, Ben scooping them both up, balancing them on both his shoulders.

“Hey, how are my favorite boys?” Ben asked as he carried them over to the fire pit.

“Did you bring me a present?” Kenny asked him.

“A present for what?”

“For my birthday,”

“What? No way, your birthday was last year.”

The boys laughed as Ben opened his briefcase. “Okay, well, I DO have something for you, but not just any present: it’s the most amazing birthday present ever.”

Ben pulled out a lantern that had a patterned cover. “The blueprints crossed my desk just for a moment, but I managed to commit them to memory and if I remembered them correctly…”

With a spin of the disc, it caused the lights from the lantern to almost dance around them. “Happy birthday, Kenny.”

Kenny and Cody both looked around at the lights in amazement. “What is it?” Cody asked when he looked back at the item his father built.

“It’s called a wishing machine. You tell it your wish and it keeps them safe until it comes true. Even if you forget then, they’re always here.” Ben explained.

“Can I tell a wish?” Cody asked.

“Of course. Step right up.”

Cody stepped forward and closed his eyes. “I wish to marry the tooth fairy,” Cody whispered to the lantern as he chuckled a bit.

“You maybe wanna leave a pressed flower alongside your next loose tooth under your pillow~?” Courtney teased her son, which earned her a playful push and a giggle.

“Now, now, sweetheart, Cody’s got his priorities straight. That’s a good wish.”, Ben said as Kenny stepped forward.

“I wish…for a new belt,” Kenny whispered.

Ben hesitated, knowing that was a wish a bit harder to grant. “That’s…a good wish too.”

“What’s your wish, Mom?”, Cody asked as he looked up at Courtney. She thought for a moment before answering.

“I wish for us to be happy like this forever. For you, and you, and your father.” Courtney, wrapping her arms around Ben.

They all continued to sit and watch the lights spin around them, thinking about what Courtney said. To Ben, that was going to be the hardest wish of all to grant. Nonetheless, he was going to make that wish come true, no matter what.

Part of making that wish work, however, was going to involve a little swindling. He was able to pass off the lost ships as his own, allowing him to get a loan from the bank.

Courtney was surprised at this stroke of luck. “Why would a bank give us a loan of $10,000?”

“Collateral does wonders, believe it or not,” Ben said as he led her and his sons through town.

“What collateral are you talking about, exactly?” Courtney asked suspiciously.

“Of course, we do, in the South China Seas. DEEP in the South China Seas.”

“And we bought WHAT with this loan?”

Ben responded by pointing at a building ahead of them, the boys already rushing ahead to read the title.

“’Tennyson’s American Museum of Curiosities’,” Kenny read aloud from the sign on the building.

“What kind of museum is it?” Cody asked excitedly, hoping it was full of amazing items.

Well, it was full of…items, but most would not call them amazing. “Well, what do you think?”, Ben asked as he showed them the inside.

“A…wax museum?” Courtney asked, a bit surprised by what she was seeing, though the pleasure from before had left her tone.

“Well yeah, they’re supposed to be all the rage in Europe. Boys, go take a look around, but don’t touch anything!”

After they were out of sight, Ben looked back at Courtney, who seemed unsure of her husband’s decision.

“Okay, now I know what you’re thinking, and I know how it looks-“

“Good, I’d be glad if you didn’t,”

“But it just needs a little work, y’know a little elbow grease here and there,”

“And the loan? You KNOW it needs to be paid back every month,”

“Don’t worry it will, we just need costumers. Trust me, everything will be fine.” Ben promised as he kissed her forehead.

But as fate would have it, things were not going as well as they seemed. No matter how hard they tried, no one wanted to see the museum. After a full day of people tossing his posters and getting laughed at, Ben went up to the ticket booth, where his good friend and former pickpocket, Kevin, was working. “What’ve you got for me, Kev?”

“Three,” Kevin answered, giving Ben some hope before he turned around and saw Courtney holding up the three tickets that she bought.

Later that night, Ben arrived back home, feeling defeated from his long day. He saw that Courtney was already asleep on the couch, waiting for him to come home. Ben had a soft smile on his face as he gently covered her with a blanket.

“Dad?” Ben heard Cody’s tiny voice from the boys’ bedroom. Upon entering, he noticed both his sons were still awake.

“Did you sell any more tickets today?” Kenny asked him, sounding sleepy.

“Uh…yeah a few. A lot of people were in a rush to get home since it’s Friday, but we still sold a few,” Ben assured them, not wanting to worry them.

“I think you just have too many common things in your museum,” Cody pointed out. “People see humans like the ones in our museum every day.”

“Yeah, you need something different,” Kenny added.

Ben thought about this for a moment as he gave them a smile. “Thanks for the food for thought, boys,” he thanked them as he tucked them in. “But it doesn’t buy you any extra late-night hours. Off to bed, you two.”

Later, Ben was still awake as he thought about what Kenny and Cody had said. Something different…something other than humans…

The moment the concept crossed his mind, he sat upright in bed. They would be hard to find and even harder to pass off as an act in front of humans, but he knew EXACTLY what he needed: he needed aliens.

#ben 10 #ben tennyson #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 oc #ben 10 original series #ben 10 fanfiction #ben 10 au #courtney lawrence #the greatest showman #the greatest showman au #oc x canon #Oc x character

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dansantat · 5 years

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44 (The Annual Birthday Rant)

THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT I EVER RECEIVED FROM A STRANGER

What I’m about to tell you all happened about twelve days ago.

I was walking outside of my local grocery store when an African American man approached me. He slowly approached with a wide grin on his face and was dressed in an old brown secondhand suit that was a few sizes too big. Although his physique indicated he was maybe ten to fifteen years older than me he looked much older and worn. He had a story to tell

“Now, I’m not gonna hurt cha,” the man said.

I stood and smiled hesitantly.

“How can I help you?” I asked.

“You probably don’t remember me, but we met before… a few years back.”

I searched through my mind, but found nothing. “Oh really? Where did we meet? A book store event? A school?”

The man stopped his approach. He stood safely about ten feet away.

“We met here.”

My mind still drew a blank.

“Anyway, sir, I don’t want to take up too much of your time…. But I wanted to give you this…”

He reached into the pocket of his oversized suit and slowly pulled out a healthy wad of nicely folded cash.

And then in that instant. I remembered.

It happened two years ago in 2017. I bought groceries and was carrying the bags to my car. A homeless African American man wearing tattered clothes hobbled with a limb over in my direction. He was in rough shape. He clearly hadn’t showered in weeks and his body appeared gaunt, and malnourished.

“Hey, man, I was wonderin’ if you could spare some change?” he asked.

I placed my groceries into the trunk of my car and pulled out my wallet. I had just gone to the ATM because I was going to go out to breakfast with some friends after dropping off the groceries at home.

I pulled out a $20 and gave it to the man. His eyes popped open wide and a huge grin crossed his face. I would typically only give a few dollars in a situation like this, but today was special.

“Aw, thank you, sir, I really appreciate it! God bless!”

Just as he was about to walk away I stopped him.

“Wait,” I hollered, “Hold up.”

The man turned and looked back at me. I paused for a moment thinking about what I was about to do.

“*sigh* Today’s your lucky day.” I said

I opened my wallet and gave him all the cash that was inside.

“Here. Take it all.”

The man was flabbergasted. “Wh-….. What?”

“You look like you need it way more than I do. There’s about $400 here… Just take it.”

“Wh…wh…why are you doing this?” he stammered

I paused for a moment. Was I really doing the right thing? You hear people tell you not to give money to homeless people because they’ll just go use that money to buy drugs or alcohol, but I proceeded with my decision, “It’s my birthday today, and every year I always make it a point to do something special for someone to make their day better, and today you’re the lucky person, I guess.”

The first time I ever decided to be generous on my birthday was at a local car wash on my 35th birthday. Now, I never found much value in the machines that car washing facilities provide. Those contraptions that you would drive your car though to get washed. It was simply a series of spray hoses and soap suds being lazily dragged over your car by a set of waving rags. The real cleaning job was done from the guy after that process. The guy who would drive your car off to a dry corner of the lot and scrub off those tough stains with a spray bottle and a towel. Here in LA, they were most likely illegal immigrants earning a measly wage just enough to get by here in Los Angeles (one of the most expensive cities in the country) The man who cleaned my car that day spent a half hour wiping off the dashboard, and the tires, and even parts of the door joints you wouldn’t normally expect a car wash employee to clean. The guy was cleaning my car better than I would have ever done myself, and when I approached the car it was absolutely immaculate.

The car wash was only $19.

That day, I gave the man $40.

He was so grateful he shook my hand with a smile, and in exchange I felt amazing. I helped make his day a good one and it was an absolutely wonderful feeling.

Ever since then I try to do something kind for someone on my birthday. It’s my gift to myself.

In the years following I would give $40 tips to waitresses, $60 tips to a trio of buskers, I once bought an entire box of candy from a kid who rang my doorbell trying to save up money for camp. That was about $75.

But this was $400. What the hell was I doing?

The man waved off the money. “$400?! That’s too much,” he responded, “I can’t accept all that! A dude gets stabbed on the streets carrying that kind of cash around”

“I want you to have it, and I don’t want to sound rude, but you look like you need this money way more than I do.”

He stood hesitant. His own pride was preventing him from taking the money.

“What are you doing with that much cash on you? You a doctor or something?”

“HAHA! No, but there was a time my parents wished I was.”

The man looked at me with a hint of suspicion.

“You’re crazy. How do you know I’m not gonna go use this to go buy crack or something like that?”

“HA HA! Are you?” I laughed. The thought of the possibility of my own hard earned money being used to buy illegal drugs was somewhat humorous to me at the time.

“N- NO! NO! I won’t! I promise! But are you sure you want to give me all this? I don’t even know you.”

I hesitated, half thinking for a split second that I would perhaps reconsider and just give him an extra $20, but what would an extra $20 do for a man who needed so much more help than that? What if he had enough money to change his course in life if he really wanted to? From that perspective, $400 seemed like just a drop in the bucket.

But maybe it was also a start?

“I’m not sure, but I know that no matter how you got into this situation, I know it’s not because you’re a bad person. You’ve probably just hit a string of bad luck.Hell, for all I know maybe you WILL blow all this money on booze and drugs, I don’t know… But what I am hoping, is that it gives you a chance to get back on your feet if you really want to…”

The man glanced back at the money.

“Take it. No strings attached. Do whatever you want with it. Buy booze or crack or whatever you want with it. I’m not gonna lecture you on how to live your life because, dude, you’re already totally down on your luck and I think that you just deserve a little kindness. You know the mistakes you’ve made and you don’t need to explain yourself to me or anyone. I just thought this money would help make things a little bit easier for you, that’s all.”

The man looked away for a moment. His lower lip trembling. Then he slowly glanced back and took the money.

“Thank you….. God Bless you, sir. I really appreciate it.”

“Take care of yourself.” I replied as he walked away.

The man walked away and never looked back.

Now here we are.

Two years later.

Standing in the same parking lot in front of the same grocery store.

My jaw drops open.

“Holy shit! I remember you! You’re that guy! LOOK AT YOU! I DON’T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU!” I shouted.

“Now you remember me, right!? HA HA!”

This man’s voice once a whisper was now strong and deep as if his lungs consumed every molecule of oxygen around him and projected it out like water from a fire hose. He was no longer gaunt, but healthy, if not slightly overweight. His hair was clean and trimmed, but he still carried himself awkwardly with a shaky newfound confidence that now occupied a body that once resembled a dilapidated house.

“You look amazing! Where have you been!?”

“Aw man, It’s a long story-“

“I’ve got time!”

“Well-“ he hesitated

And then I paused.

“Wait. I’m- I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I just want you to know that I’m really REALLY proud of you, man. I know we don’t know each other, but dude, you’ve completely changed. I don’t even recognize you. You look amazing.”

There was an awkward pause in our conversation. We were like two friends who had just reunited after a long absence, but suddenly also realized at that moment that we were also two complete strangers who knew nothing about one other. The man took a deep breath, “I’ve been coming around to this grocery store every now and then hoping I would run into you…I’d stand out here waiting for you for a half hour or so hoping you’d come by to buy groceries… I wanted to thank you for the kindness you showed me a few years back and… and I wanted to finally pay you back.”

He grabs my hand and presses the nicely folded bills into my hand. The folds and creases tell me they’ve been sitting folded like this for quite a while.

“$400. Every cent of it.”

“Hey, you don’t need to do this. It was my pleasure. I’m glad the money helped, you can keep it.” I reply.

“Well… “ he paused, “I don’t want it. Too many painful memories from it.. That day you gave me that money I took it and I used it all to get high.”

“Oh…Shit… I’m sorry, man. I shouldn’t have-”

“And afterwards there were some more really rough months after that. I felt so ashamed. I hated myself and I didn’t wanna live no more so one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I went over to the Colorado Street Bridge and I was gonna climb the fence and jump off…. I was gonna kill myself and end it all… but I chickened out.”

(FYI, The Colorado Street Bridge is the bridge you see in the movie, LA LA LAND)

“Man, I was so scared, and I was crying on the ground and I was thinking about my wife leavin’ me… and how I let my son down, and now he had his own son.. you see, I’m a grandfather, and I got so messed up I couldn’t be around any of them, you know?”

Meanwhile, my groceries were sitting in the hot car. My milk was going to go bad, but I continued to hang on to his every word.

“So shortly after that incident the cops pick me up off the side of the bridge and they take me to this local homeless shelter. I get cleaned up, I get a little something to eat, and then later on that evening they gathered us all around in the cafeteria at one point and they read us this story called, After the Fall.”

I was shocked.

“Wait... What? That’s my book.” I responded

“Yeah, I know! The book changed my life, man! Humpty Dumpty finding the courage to change his life like that? It inspired me! It made me want to change! And so I see your name on the cover and one day I went to the library with my social worker to look up more of your books and I see your picture in one of the books and I thought, HOLY SHIT! That’s the guy who gave me the $400! I recognize those eyebrows from anywhere! This is a sign from God!”

“HAHAHA!”

“So, I’m getting’ all psyched up and inspired and the social worker helped me get me a sponsor, and after a while I got myself cleaned up and started working around town. I used to be a carpenter, and I was doin’ odd jobs here and there and so now I work at a hardware store.”

He pauses for a moment and takes another deep breath.

“You see, I got myself a work related injury years ago and I had to stop working. Then when my insurance wore out I was still in pain and I started trying to find any kind of drugs I could to help with the pain, man. It was awful. I got addicted to painkillers, over time it cost me my marriage, I lost my house, and my kid moved away and he started a family of his own…. I haven’t seen my kid in years. They all wanted to help but you can only be helped if you want to be helped, you know?”

“Yeah, I’m so sorry to hear that, man”

The man begins to cry a little

“And I knew they cared about me, but…. But I let them down, and there’s just a point when the people you love just can’t stand seeing you hurt yourself no more, and they couldn’t stand watching me tear myself apart like that, you know?”

The man’s story cuts me like a knife. I’m starting to well up with tears. We’re now two strangers crying in front of each other in the middle of a grocery store parking lot. The manager of the grocery store who I see often sees us crying outside

“Is everything okay here guys?”

“Yeah yeah yeah, We’re good. We’re just talking,” I rapidly answer as I wipe tears from my cheek. The manager walks back inside.

“…Uh… Weird question… You know my name now, but, do you mind if I ask you your name?”

“…I’m Randall.”

“Well, I’m glad you got your life back together, Randall. I’m sorry about all that stuff that happened with your family but I think what you accomplished with getting your life back together was huge and, I mean, I don’t know you, but man, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, brother. I just wanted to see you in person so I could give you back that money… oh, and I was hoping you could sign this for me….”

Randall reaches inside his oversized brown suit and pulls out a copy of After the Fall and hands it to me with a pen.

“I’ve been carrying this around with me for a few months now hoping I’d see you. The shelter gave it to me. Would you mind signing it?” he asks.

“I’d be honored, Randall… Do you want me to make it out to you?”

“Please make it out to Randall the Third”

“Wait… your grandson?”

“I’m going out to see my son and his family next week. They live out in Arizona.”

“That’s amazing. Are you nervous?”

“I’m excited to see my grandson, but I’m terrified I could screw things up with my family again.” Randall mutters.

“Well, you made it this far. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just take it one step at a time.” I reply.

“Just like Humpty did. One step at a time.” says Randall.

I sign the book...

To Randall III, Your grandfather is a true inspiration to me.

Dan Santat

“Thank you, God bless.”

“No, Randall, thank you. This was the most amazing birthday gift I think I’ve ever received.”

“Oh, it’s your birthday today?!”

“No, it’s in twelve days. Heh… it’s when my milk expires”

“Oh shit. I should let you get going man, I’m sorry I took up all your time!”

“No, man. No! I’m so glad you did this and that we could catch up... and…. Here.”

I pull out the $400 and I hand it back to Randall.

“What are you doin?”

“I know you don’t need this, so I’m not giving you this money. Get something nice for your family, you know, a housewarming gift or something, that’s all. If you ever want to pay me back you know where to find me.”

In this parking lot.

In front of this grocery store.

“Use it to buy a huge ass teddy bear for Randall the Third. Shit get him a Playstation 4 or something I don’t care. As far as I’m concerned you worked so hard to get where you are now and you earned every cent of this. This money should be yours”

“HA HA HA! Aw sheeeeeeit….Thank you, brother.”

I grab Randall’s hand and I place the nicely folded wad of cash into his palm.

“Well, I should get goin’…” Randall says.

“Yeah, me too.”

Then after a few quiet moments we exchange a hug.

“Thank you, Dan Santat…. God Bless you.” Randall whispers

“Take care” I reply

We complete our goodbyes and then head off in our own opposite directions.

I’ve received lots of amazing gifts over my 44 years, but never one as incredible as the rebirth and transformation of Randall.

Peace.

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inkedstarlight · 4 years

Text

Bittersweet: Chapter Three

Summary: Nesta and her sisters deal with the aftermath of their father’s death. Once they finally leave their hometown in Maine, they all head to Colorado for a new start. Note: Read it here on AO3! Warnings: heavy angst, grief Bittersweet Masterlist

After her dad’s funeral, Nesta announced her plans to move to Colorado to attend Pryth U, which was met with a stern scolding courtesy of Elain. She chastised Nesta for not calling her the minute she found out. But after her lecturing, Elain squeezed Nesta into a hug and expressed her excitement. Feyre responded positively to the news as well, though she certainly wasn’t as enthusiastic as Elain. It wasn’t a surprise considering the current state of Nesta and Feyre’s relationship with each other. Feyre didn’t need to tell Nesta that she resented her for their childhood; it was glaringly obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes. As the oldest sibling, Nesta didn’t provide a single penny for their family after their mother left. She let her thirteen-year-old sister work for the money that bought them lunch at school. Nesta let Feyre fail tests that she didn’t have time to study for. She let Feyre sacrifice her entire life.

Instead of staying in her childhood home with her sisters, Nesta opted for a motel just a town over, to which Feyre rolled her eyes at. She and Elain insisted Nesta stay in her old bedroom to save money, to no avail. She wasn’t ready to step foot in there. It was too soon; the wound was far from healing.

Nesta spent most of her time in the motel while her sisters went through the legal process of their father’s death: his will, financial accounts, safety deposit box. She didn’t dare venture the town and risk bumping into any familiar faces. Gods forbid she see any old peers. So, she remained in her room nearly every day, blinds shut and door locked. She didn’t bother buying groceries; she wouldn’t be in Maine long. In turn, she was barely eating. But Nesta didn’t see the point of filling her stomach when it wouldn’t do anything to fix the emptiness inside of her.

Elain visited her every so often, but she too was mourning their late father, and she wasn’t quite herself. When she’d made the decision to live at home after high school, she and their dad bonded. They were the only ones who had a true father-daughter relationship, and Elain knew him best. She knew what he wanted his funeral to look like, where he wanted his ashes scattered. But because she spent his last years by his side, Elain had witnessed the gradual deterioration of his body through her own eyes, which had given her time to accept the inevitable well before his death. She had been prepared. But it didn’t hurt any less.

Feyre, on the other hand, refused to visit Nesta at the motel. Her exact words were, “I’m not dragging myself to a gods-damn motel. If you want to see me, I’ll be at the house.” Nesta hadn’t expected her youngest sister to visit her. According to Elain, Feyre was distracting herself with the legal responsibilities of their dad’s death. When she wasn’t drowning in paperwork, she was talking to Rhysand on the phone. Feyre once again assumed the parental role. Guilt stabbed at Nesta.

Waste of space.

A couple nights after the funeral, Elain was visiting Nesta. They had been catching up ever since that first day, learning more and more about each other’s lives and moments they had missed. Elain shared everything: her friends, classes, plans, romantic relationships (or lack thereof), etc. Elain revealed that she loathed the community college she attended. They only offered low-level courses for her biology degree and consequently, she was not on track to receive her bachelor’s on time. And she certainly wouldn’t be able to have a career as a pediatrician if the prerequisite classes weren’t offered at the school. Nesta noticed, however, that Elain never once complained about staying home for their father. She didn’t express regret about the decision she made to sacrifice her professional goals. And because she was Elain – sweet, loving Elain – she found a way to blame herself. Elain was never the type of person to place fault on someone else, even when it was their fault. She would apologize when someone bumped into her or insulted her. Nesta knew her sister was smart enough to recognize she wasn’t in the wrong, but Elain was raised to believe she had to please others. She had to be selfless with every decision she made or else she thought herself to be a bad person. Nesta worried that one day, Elain wouldn’t stand up for herself and she would get hurt beyond repair.

The two of them sat on the suspiciously stained bed of the motel, mugs of steaming tea in their hands. The few belongings that Nesta had brought to Maine were stuffed into the tiny closet. The only indication that someone was living in the room was the rumpled sheets. The sound of pounding rain and clapping thunder roared as the sisters conversed.

“I’m not going to stay in Maine,” Elain confessed quietly as they sipped their tea.

Nesta rose a brow. “Oh?” It was the first she’d heard of this.

“I applied to Pryth U in the spring. Dad was in bad shape, and I had a feeling he wasn’t going to make it to the fall.” Elain swallowed loudly. “I, uh… I got in.”

Elain smiled sheepishly as Nesta gaped at her. “Elain, that’s wonderful!” Nesta interlaced her fingers with Elain’s and squeezed. Pride shone on her shadowed face. It was the first time since the funeral that she’d felt anything other than grief.

If she’s moving to Colorado… Nesta was cut off before she finished the thought.

“I was wondering… er, what do you think about having a roommate?” Elain’s knee bounced up and down in anticipation, her tea spilling slightly in her shaking hand. “I’m not messy at all, I promise. And I would pick up after my – “

Nesta reached over and put a hand on Elain’s knee to stop her rambling. She peered over at her clumsy sister.

“I’m not really a people person, but I suppose I could make an exception for you,” Nesta teased, earning a chuckle from Elain. Her gaze softened. “I would love for us to live together.”

Elain’s eyes got wide and she smiled – truly smiled – for the first time in what felt like forever.

----------------------------

When Elain returned from the motel, she sat Feyre down and reiterated her plans for the fall. The minute the words left Elain’s mouth, Feyre was jumping off the sofa, dialing real estate agents, and punching numbers on a calculator.

Two days later, the Archeron house was put up for sale.

The sisters got to work quickly, eager to complete any unfinished business so they could get the hell out of Maine, a state none of them were particularly fond of. Nesta browsed the Internet for apartments, Elain joining her when she wasn’t helping Feyre clean the house. Their house had two stories, three bedrooms, and one and a half baths. It was smaller than most houses on the block, but in good shape nonetheless. The blue shutters were charming enough, the rolling yard spacious. Luckily, most of the rooms were already empty, and there was little furnishing. They were already preparing for tours; the area was popular for families with young children considering the elementary school was just a five-minute walk away.

As expected, the house was sold in a matter of days.

It was just a week later when Nesta stood on the sidewalk in front of her old home, Elain by her side. Somehow, Feyre and Elain had convinced her to go there and sort through their father’s final possessions. Apparently, he left Nesta some things in his will in addition to the financial assets they all received. This was the last thing they had to do in Maine. Then, Nesta could return to Massachusetts, pack her shit, and move to Colorado with Elain.

And finally leave everything behind.

This was her last chance to see her childhood home – her only chance. Nesta didn’t particularly care to add anything more to her list of regrets, which was long enough as is.

“Are you ready to go in?” Elain asked with a tilt of her head.

Nesta bit her lip and simply stared at the front door.

Elain must have sensed her hesitance because she reached between them and interlaced their hands. Nesta jumped slightly at the sudden contact but just a moment later, she squeezed her sister’s hand tightly. Elain squeezed back.

We’re in this together.

Nesta gave her a small nod, and they proceeded to walk straight toward her worst fear.

The first thing Nesta noticed was the smell. A hint of her father’s cologne. Mothballs. A whiff of air freshener to cover up the dusty scent.

Feyre was hunched over her laptop when they entered the kitchen. Her eyes were unreadable when she took in Nesta, but they softened slightly as she got up to hug her. Leaning back, Feyre peered at her closely.

"Are you doing okay?” The first indication that Feyre cared about Nesta. She couldn’t help but wonder if Elain had something to do with it; she was always the mediator between them, even during the most trivial disagreements.

“Everything’s in the living room.”

A nod.

She let Feyre lead her through the kitchen and into the living room. The floorboards groaned under their footsteps. It sounded like the entire house could collapse if they stomped hard enough. The foundation had always been weak.

The living room looked the same yet so completely different. Her dad’s beat-up armchair wasn’t sitting in the corner. The built-in bookshelves were bare, no children’s books or games to be found. The once plush carpet had been worn into a mere threadbare rag. Something cracked in Nesta’s chest when she beheld her dad’s belongings. Neatly folded clothing, stacks of books, souvenirs from business trips, dozens of journals, homemade wood carvings.

“Do you want to read it?” Feyre murmured, will in hand. “To see what he left you.”

Nesta’s hands shook as she accepted the paper. It was flimsy. She could easily tear apart all her father’s wishes, set them aflame until they were ash on the floor. Perhaps she would if it hadn’t been for her visit at the hospital that day. Perhaps she would have thrown it all away without a second thought. And to think, that was just a week ago.

Nesta burned with shame. How had she been so willing to act in such a horrific manner? How had she been so selfish? So unforgiving?

Her father had waited years for Nesta to come around. He never lost hope that she would find her way back, despite the awful things she’d said to him throughout the years. Her father – the man who let his daughter hate him to protect her from the ugly truth. Nesta didn’t want to even think about how disappointed he must be in her.

Nesta had never let herself admit it, but she was just like her mother. Not only in the way she looked – her stormy eyes and golden hair – but also who she was. Nesta ended up hurting everyone who got into her path of destruction and chaos. No one got out unscathed. Not even Nesta herself.

Nesta forced herself to read the typed words that were inked into the thin piece of paper. If she delayed this any longer, she would explode.

For Nesta Archeron, my eldest daughter, I leave a third of my property and monetary assets, as well as my full collection of journals. May she use them to write the book she’s been dreaming of for years.

Then, at the bottom of the paper, Nesta read the handwritten words.

I forgive you, Ness. Now it’s your turn.

Nesta didn’t notice she was crying until the words blotted together as her tears fell on the will.

Classes started tomorrow, and Nesta hadn’t left her bed in a week.

Her and Elain officially moved in three weeks ago. Their apartment was small and quaint, and if anyone were to peek their head in, they’d know who decorated it. Overflowing plants hung from the ceiling, built in shelves adorning the white walls. Fairy lights were wrapped around the wooden beams that stood between the living area and the kitchen. Plush pillows – yellow, maroon, green – were laid on all the couches. The many windows had been cleaned and remained open most days, letting the refreshing Colorado breeze cool the room.

It had Elain written all over it.

After settling in, Nesta had turned into a recluse – more so than ever before. She spoke only when Elain initiated conversations but even then, her answers were short and clipped. Her bedroom door was perpetually closed, and Nesta had no idea what day it was.

Her bedroom was bare, save for the queen-sized mattress she rested on. All her belongings resided in the guest room for the time being, the boxes stacked to the ceiling. Nesta had only unpacked a thick blanket, cat supplies, and a small lamp. She had stuffed her father’s journals under her bed the moment they’d moved in. She’d taken every last one. They were out of sight, but they weren’t out of mind. The reminder of the journals weighed heavy on Nesta’s heart. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to read them.

Elain was treating her like a porcelain doll. Nesta hated it. She hated the fact that her younger sister had to take care of her. She hated being weak. Nesta had struggled with mental health issues since she was a girl. Some of it was due to the inherent chemical imbalances in her brain – she had her family’s poor genetics to thank for that – and the rest of it could be attributed to everything that’d happened to her. It could have easily been subdued with therapy and medication, but her parents didn’t take any sort of action. They didn’t even recognize their own mental illnesses in the first place, much less their children’s. Feyre herself struggled with bouts of depression in high school when she was working forty-hour weeks and studying until the sun rose every morning. Elain had gone through her own struggles, but she kept her cards close to her chest. She didn’t want to burden others with her problems. Even when Elain was at her lowest, she put everyone before herself. And even though it was driven by nothing but compassion, she needed to help herself first.

None of them saw therapists. None of them were prescribed medications. Feyre used sheer will to graduate high school and move far away. Elain persevered through her pain and learned to love herself. Nesta, however, wielded no such resilience.

Like she said, she was weak.

It was three o’clock in the afternoon. The curtains were drawn to ward off any sunlight that peeked through the windows. Nesta lay in her bed, a gray hoodie drawn over her head. It nearly swallowed her tiny body. Iroh was curled up by her side, nestled in the soft fabric of her oversized sweater. He hadn’t left her side since moving in.

As Nesta stared at the popcorn ceiling above her, idly rubbing her hands through Iroh’s black fur, she overheard Elain in the kitchen. She was talking to someone on the phone, her voice hushed.

“She barely leaves her room,” Elain whispered. “She’s not eating. I’m worried, Feyre.”

Nesta craned her neck closer to the door.

“No, she doesn’t want to talk about it,” Elain explained, frustrated by whatever Feyre had said. Concern laced her voice.

“Her classes start in a week, and she hasn’t even begun to prepare for the semester. I don’t know how she’s going to be able to attend classes based on the state she’s in…”

Silence. Nesta waited.

“I don’t know how I’m going to take care of her if she doesn’t attend school, Feyre. My class schedule is already so busy. Maybe I can request to do remote learning from the apartment?”

Oh, fuck no. Anger bubbled to the surface.

Nesta swung her feet over the edge of the bed to snatch the phone out of Elain’s hand and smack some sense into her, but her leg swung into the bedside lamp. She watched in horror as the light fell to the floor. The bulb shattered easily, blanketing the room in darkness. Nesta cringed as the loud crash reverberated throughout the entire apartment.

Do the gods really hate me this much?

“I got to go, Feyre. I’ll call you soon.”

Nesta’s heart sunk in dread as she heard Elain’s quiet footsteps approach her bedroom. She quickly cocooned herself back into the comforter before Elain had the chance to see the state of her sickly body.

“Nesta?” Elain knocked on the door quietly. She peered in, rich brown eyes wide with concern. “Are you okay?”

Nesta didn’t say anything as Elain let herself in. Her long hair – typically fashioned into a neat half-updo – was sticking out in every which way, the golden waves pulled back in a loose ponytail. Her thick-framed glasses were pushed onto the top of her head. She wore leggings and a graphic tee that said, “ask me about my plants.”

Elain walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. Nesta laid on her side facing her sister, but she didn’t look at her. Her eyes were instead fixated on the empty wall as she avoided Elain’s gaze. Elain tentatively lifted her hand and rested it on Nesta’s head. She gently combed her hands through her sister’s mangled hair – hair that hadn’t been washed in weeks. They didn’t say anything for a couple moments.

“How are you feeling?”

No answer.

“Do you need me to contact the school?”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Nesta croaked with a hoarse voice.

“I know.”

“I don’t need someone to take care of me.” Lies, lies, lies.

“Are you still planning on attending classes?” Elain continued, ignoring her sister’s insistence.

“Yes.” The word was bitter on her tongue.

She heard Elain exhale a deep breath. Relief, she guessed.

Truthfully, grad school hadn’t crossed Nesta’s mind once since they’d moved in. She didn’t particularly care about her education.

Until now.

Until Elain volunteered to sacrifice her education once again for the sake of her family. Nesta may be a bad person, but there was no way in hell she would let Elain do such a thing. Nesta had been complacent when they were young girls – letting Feyre provide for the family, refusing to speak to her father, tearing everyone apart. Leaving all of them without thinking twice.

“Can I do anything? Buy you supplies?”

“Go away, Elain.” Leave it be. This is only making it worse. Go before I –

“Please, Nesta, let me – “

“Leave me the fuck alone!” Nesta snapped, pulling herself upright and pointing a deadly finger at the door. Her voice cracked as she yelled.

Leave me to die, Nesta almost said.

Elain recoiled, eyes filled with hurt.

In that moment, Nesta truly loathed herself.

As Elain began to get up and leave, Nesta wrapped her hands around Elain’s to stop her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Gods, I’m so sorry, Elain.”

Elain remained frozen.

“I don’t… I don’t know what’s happening to me,” Nesta whispered, terror in her voice. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

A couple tears fell from Elain’s eyes, but she slid closer to Nesta. She didn’t speak for a few minutes.

“I just want you to be happy, Nesta,” Elain told her, a sad smile on her face. “I haven’t seen you happy in years. I remember when you were, though. I remember when you beat up those boys who bullied Feyre in middle school. You came home with a broken tooth, but you were grinning nevertheless.”

Gods. Nesta didn’t want to listen.

“And all those times when we would all have a sleepover together since Mom didn’t let us have friends over. You always made it so fun. You would sneak me and Feyre soda.

“I don’t know what happened to you when we were kids, Nesta, and I understand that you don’t want to talk about it quite yet. But when you do, I’m here for you. I just want my sister to come back. The happy, real version.”

Nesta wanted to tell her. She wanted to explain why she was this way. She wanted to tell Elain that she didn’t deserve any semblance of happiness. That she shouldn’t have to reassure her older sister.

Nesta wanted to sob, but nothing came out.

She was empty.

So, she just slowly tucked the blankets to her chin and laid back down. A sign of defeat.

Elain settled into the bed beside her sister. She cooed soothing words as Nesta held onto her for dear life.

#nessian #bittersweet #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #fic #my writing #fanfiction

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ijustwanttobeuncommon · 3 years

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I feel blessed

4/6/2021 8:01 P.M.

November 2019 a few months before the COVID pandemic, I was working in Denver putting up the new Kiewit office building, while the country slowly fell apart, destroying it self from the inside out. In fact it wasn’t just the country, the whole world was in a state of panic. People rioting, People losing their jobs, People freaking out buying out all of the grocery stores, blaming everything on the president, Wild Fires around the West Coast, Wild Fires in Colorado, Historical Monuments destroyed and vandalized and many many more to mention. At one point in time as days went by after they set curfews all around the united states, I’ve started to think oh shit maybe this could be it, its the end of world. Everyday my commute to work took less and less time to get there, due to less or no more vehicles on the road. My drive went from 1hr 45mins to 45mins, felt nice only seeing 4-5 vehicles every 5 or 10 minutes, the roads were almost empty. While many felt the need to stay home and collect unemployment and stimulus checks, I felt blessed to keep my job. I was collecting my normal $912 a week check if I did my full 40 hours. At times way before all of this is this it for me? Go to work everyday and earn a paycheck and hopefully saved up enough money for bills and maybe a vacation once or twice a year. Drive far away from home to go to work and spend time with family on the weekends? Same routine over and over again, almost monotonous, at times I get bored at work, it just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. A few days later the stock market crashed, sending everything to lowest its ever been since 2008. To me that meant Spring Sale!

I had my whole life savings ready to blow, but that fear of a recession lingered the back of my mind. I didn’t want to make the mistake of investing it all at once and a recession hits ill lose everything, where would my family live. Tesla was at an all time low $360 a share, who wouldn't want to buy that? I mean I wanted too, but was I willing to risk it all? Fuck no I wasn’t man, I got a job, I have a family to feed. And they wanted to shut down the country, I mean what would happen if they did. Then I would lose my house, it would all be my fault while my family cant sleep in a nice warm bed. Long story short I purchase $15,000 worth of Tesla shares. In just a few days after the fear of market collapse the fear of the country collapsing. The stock market recovered way beyond 100%. I’ve just turned my $15,000 to $100,000.......months later I’ve come up to the decision to aim big which I thought was big. My goal was to make $250 a day and that was it and that I would be happy. make that much + 40 hours a week at work. But that wasn’t the case, become better and better at reading charts and doing my of research. I listened to discord investing groups and just combined and put everything together. Now $250 was no longer the goal, the goal was limitless. Why stay at home and be a key board warrior and complain about not enough stimulus check when you could be studying the stock market. I’ve been average about 4k-5k a day and that to me, that is a blessing.

#stonks #tesla #stocks #investor #pandemic #money #cars #life quotes #lifeisgood

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iplaywithstring · 4 years

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Budgeting Basics

This isn’t a “stop going to starbucks and save 10k a year” type of budget. This is a “I had a family of 4 on 25k a year” type of budget. In fact, I started budgeting the month I had to call the power company and ask for a payment plan because there was no way I could make the full payment that month. We’re much more comfortable now, partially because I learned these skills back then. It takes time. I’m sorry, but it’s true. It’ll likely be at least 6 months before you feel like you’ve got your budget “right” (as in, the right amount designated to each line item) and likely about a year before you feel like it’s making a difference.

Step 1 - keep track of everything you spend for at least a month, preferably two. If all of your transactions are digital (credit or debit), just go through your past transactions for this step. Put things together that make sense (groceries, fast food, etc.) BONUS STEP: if you have “pay by use” bills (electricity comes to mind), call the company and see if they can do equalized billing. If not, try to look through a years worth of payments and equalize it yourself (total paid divided by 12 = how much you should budget per month). Step 2 - Consider infrequent items - things that are somewhat predictable but generally end up eating a chunk of your money (holiday gifts, car inspection/maintenance, etc.). Divide the total yearly expense by 12, or by however many months you have left before you’ll have the expense. Step 3 - Decide how to group things. You’ll have categories and items. Some items in the category will be flexible and others will be standard each month. Here’s an example - Living expenses includes everything attached to your home (rent, power, cable, etc.) - Entertainment can include common things (eating out, spotify etc.) and longer term/less frequent things (saving 10$ a month for a games you might buy once or twice a year) - Transportation - transit pass, gas, repairs, insurance etc. - Food/necessities - food, cleaning supplies, etc. Whatever categories make the most sense to you. Step 4 - Find an app. I’ve used Mint and EveryDollar, I’ve got friends who swear by You Need a Budget. Personally I like EveryDollar’s interface best. Don’t pay any fee to link it to your bank account - it only takes 2 extra minutes to open your bank account in a different tab. Step 5 - Set up the app with the categories and info you have already. Some guidelines - round down any income (72$ becomes 70$ etc.) and round up any purchases (72$ becomes 75$) - this means you’ll always have a couple dollars left in the bank - Make “funds” for infrequent purchases (like 10$ a month for a game etc.). I also make a fund for a lot of my entertainment items (fast food, date night etc.) so anything that I don’t use gets rolled over to the next month. - Fill in the non-negotiable first (rent, bills, etc.) -When you enter debt into the app, put the one with the highest interest rate at the top - Put in your “optional” items (food, entertainment, etc.) based on what you’ve actually spent (the info from step 1). Only adjust amounts if you’re spending more than your income. Don’t expect to suddenly spend less just because you have a budget. Being frugal and keeping a budget are two different skills. - Put in the minimum payments for your debts for now Step 6 - If you have income left over (as in, everything you know you’re going to spend money on is listed and the total is less than your monthly income), put half of it into an emergency fund and half of it toward the top debt on your list. This set up might take 3-4 hours, so I recommend doing it over a few days. I find it easier to keep track by writing things down in a notebook, but that’s just me. I don’t keep track of my budget manually (in a notebook, or a spreadsheet) because the app is just so much more appealing than doing all the math myself.

NOW YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY USE THE BUDGET

- pick a consistent time (every payday, once a week, whatever - I recommend at least twice a month) to go through what you’ve earned and what you’ve spent. As stated above, I recommend rounding up what you spend (at least to the nearest dollar, if not to the nearest 5$). - Adjust things as necessary - Friend having a birthday and you want a gift? see if you can take a few dollars here and there from other optional items. NEVER TAKE FROM DEBT PAYMENTS OR BILLS! - that’s how you get into trouble - after 3 months, see if you’re consistently under/over spending in any specific category - you might need to adjust your budget or adjust your choices. Remember that following a budget is a different skill than being frugal. - If you have money designated but not spent (grocery money left over, entertainment money leftover etc.) put half into savings and half toward debt. There’s a temptation to put it all toward debt, but giving yourself an emergency fund could keep you from getting more debt in the long run. - If things are wildly different than budgeted (you’re spending 100$ a month on gas rather than the 50$ you budgeted), adjust the budget as close to the actual expense as you can. Over time you can adjust your spending, but at first it’s going to be a lot harder. - With any non-essential item, do your absolute best not to spend what you don’t have budget for. I’m not saying don’t eat, I’m saying learning to say no to yourself for optional things is a skill you need to practice so you can say yes to other things. - If life is easier with a 5$ fancy coffee once a week, then budget for the 5$ fancy coffee and make small adjustments elsewhere. You won’t stick to it if you feel it’s unfair.

With debt - pay the minimums each month, and put what extra you can toward the highest interest rate. When that’s paid off, put everything you were paying toward that on the next highest interest rate. It’s called the “debt snowball” and it really does work, but only if you keep up with your minimums and do everything you can to avoid adding more debt (sometimes more debt will happen, that’s not a personal failure, it’s how the system is set up). As mentioned at the top, this will take time to get used to. There will be unexpected expenses you hadn’t thought of. There will be times when you’ll spend money that wasn’t in the budget (an 80$ game when you only have 40$ in your “game fund”, but it’s on sale! It’s usually 110$!!) - you’ll deal, I promise. Keeping track - honestly and consistently - will help you make good decisions (in the above example, you can mentally calculate to take 20$ out of the “gifts for people” fund and another 20 out of the entertainment fund). At some point, you’ll have money in your car repair fund and the sound your brakes make won’t fill you with sickening dread.

#I've been doing this for 11 years #and when my husband lost his job last year we were ok #and 5 years ago when we needed a major car repair right before a planned vacation #it was ok #It's not eaesy #but it's ok #I want other people to be ok #Feel free to ask for more info #I'm a numbers nerd and budgets are fun for me #It makes me feel successful at something

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taexual · 5 years

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HOLIC - 38 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: mostly angst

words: 4.3k

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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The ride back home was quiet. This time, the road wasn’t quite as empty – and it was daytime – so Jaebum didn’t need you to keep him awake, which worked out in your favor because, while his mind was buzzing with joy, yours was foggy with dread and you wouldn’t have been able to hold a conversation even if you’d tried. So, instead, you tried to sleep but the wheels inside of your mind would not stop turning and you ended up spending nearly the entire ride back home half-laying on the passenger seat, clutching your knees to your chest – however big of a safety hazard that was – until you couldn’t feel your legs anymore.

If Jaebum minded your lack of talking, he didn’t show it and instead continued to hum along whichever song played on the radio. The sound was soothing but your heart still sunk whenever your mind gave you a reality check, crudely reminding you that you wouldn’t be able to spend the rest of your life in this car where nothing ever seemed to go wrong – and if it did go wrong, like the time you’d gotten lost, is till found a way to work out for the better. Eventually, you’d be back in your apartment. You’d have to make a decision about your future. You’d have to find enough strength to fight your fear and decide if you preferred to watch Jaebum’s career take off on the sidelines, or if you wanted to achieve success at the same time as him.

Funnily enough, the more your mind tortured you, the faster the drive turned out to be, and Jaebum was suddenly pulling into the parking lot of your building as one of his hands came to rest on your leg.

“We’re here,” he whispered gently, unsure if you were awake. “Should I keep the engine running so you can continue to nap here? Because, no offense, but I’m not carrying you all these flights of stairs with our elevator not working—”

“I’m awake,” you spoke, your voice groggy. You glared at him once you opened your eyes. “You’re a real romantic.”

Jaebum grinned. “So I’ve been told. You feeling alright?”

“Sure,” you replied with a sigh, momentarily forgetting the front you’ve been putting up ever since you left Jiho’s gallery. “Just tired.”

Now that the original excitement of the moment he’d received the good news from Jackson had passed, Jaebum’s usual perception was back and he could tell right away that you weren’t being completely honest – for one, you didn’t look him in the eye and, what’s more, your eyebrows were crinkled as though you’d spent the entire six-hour ride back home attempting to apply Einstein’s theory of relativity to some kind of astrophysical realms far beyond his imagination; also, your eyes were red even though you’d kept them closed all this time – but he decided not to push because, even though it was obvious that you were keeping something from him, he could also see that you’d meant it when you said you were tired.

“Okay,” he said, undoing his seatbelt and then helping you undo yours. “Let’s go home and sleep there.”

Sleeping, however, was not what you did once you were back in the apartment. Your mind was still hazy with doubts and uncertainty about your future – by all means, you did look like you needed to sleep for, at least, a week to recover from this trip – but Jaebum was extremely alert as he kept checking his phone every three seconds, only allowing himself to yawn when he was sure that he had no new notifications. You knew exactly why he was fidgeting so much.

“Go,” you told him after you’d changed into sweats and saw him still very much immersed in his phone in the kitchen. “Jackson is probably waiting for you.”

“He isn’t,” Jaebum replied with a sigh, putting his phone down on the island in front of him. “He hasn’t been replying to me since we got back to the city.”

“That’s just twenty minutes, then,” you said, watching him take a deep breath and then, very ceremoniously start pacing around the kitchen island.

“Yeah. Plenty of time for him to occupy himself with something else. Something more exciting than… this,” Jaebum gestured his hands around vaguely.

You shook your head. “What could he possibly find more exciting that his best friend’s big break?”

“Jackson? Anything once the initial excitement dies off,” Jaebum replied. “I mean, he’s one of my closest friends, but, I swear, the guy has the attention span of a squirrel. He’s probably off at some party already, his phone long forgotten.”

For a moment, you could not understand why your heart seemed to perk up at the mention of a party. And then you were struck with the bitter recollection of the conversation Jaebum had had on his phone at the convenience store of the gas station last night.

You squinted your eyes, asking carefully, “does Jackson know Cassie?”

“Cass—why?” Jaebum stopped moving. He realized the answer to his own question a second later. “Oh. No. I-I mean, he does. They were friends, too. Well, sort of. But no. He’s not there. T-that party is on a whole different level for us now. Even for Jackson.”

“Right,” you said, swallowing. The party didn’t seem like such a huge deal when you were hundreds of kilometers away from it but now that you were back in the city – and Jaebum’s friend was suddenly MIA – you were starting to grow more worried about it. “Maybe the sound of his phone is off. Or maybe he’s doing something important. I’m sure he’ll get back to you soon.”

Jaebum nodded, allowing your words to comfort him because he could still recognize the traces of exhaustion on your face. “You should go get some sleep.”

“How can I sleep when you’re this close to filing a missing person’s report on Jackson?” you teased, hoping that the playful jab will take the attention off of the evergrowing pile of anxiety on your shoulders. You were probably slouching already, the weight of your worries getting too much.

“Sure, make fun of me,” Jaebum said, finally sitting down on a stool nearby and then – seemingly inconscpicuously – nodding his head towards the stool opposite him, across the island. Your designated spot. “I’d really lose my mind if you weren’t here. Oh—I realize how selfish that sounds now that I’ve said it—”

“No,” you cut him off, sitting down. “I like to be useful. Talk to me about what you want your first album to be like. Distract yourself from waiting.”

What you were really hoping for – in a way that certainly was selfish – wasn’t just for Jaebum to momentarily forget that Jackson was ignoring him – although that would surely be beneficial for your poor neighbors downstairs who have had to listen to your creaking floorboards make noise non-stop since you’ve returned to the apartment – but also for yourself to forget the stupid party that Jaebum’s ex-girlfriend was essentially throwing for him, and the stupid interview at the gallery where Jiho’s stupid face showed up with his stupid offer that your stupid life depended on.

The whole situation you were in was stupid but then Jaebum sighed with a shake of his head and you saw the first glints of smile on his face, and, suddenly, the weight on your shoulders got lighter. That was his specialty, you’ve learned – Jaebum was the only person able to teleport you into a different reality, leaving your anxiety behind, with just one smile.

“I’m not sure if it’s going to work,” he said then, but the same yearning smile was still on his face, “since I would, basically, still be talking about the very thing I’m supposed to distract myself from.”

“Yeah, but you’d be looking at it from a different perspective,” you disagreed. “Hopeful instead of desperate. So, come on. Tell me. Are you going to return to your rapper roots, maybe include some diss tracks?”

Jaebum laughed, shaking his head. “No. The only song remotely close to a diss track that might make it to the album is “Don’t Touch Me.””

“Hey, that’s a start!” you clapped your hands supportively and Jaebum laughed. Finally. “Have you thought of any titles? First name usually works well for debut albums – I can just see it on the shelf at our local grocery store, “Im Jaebum by Im Jaebum: buy one get one free.””

He was laughing again. “Are you saying my albums will sell so bad, they’ll have to put it on sale to get rid of the remaining copies?”

“No, I’m predicting that you’ll be releasing new albums so fast, the salespeople will have no choice but to put them on discount or else every music section at every store will only feature your works,” you replied. “Although, now that I think of it, that doesn’t sound so bad. Imagine all the money you’ll make.”

“I’m not in it for the money,” he reminded you.

“No, I know that. But, still, imagine,” you said and then added teasingly, “maybe you’ll even earn enough to pay me back for enduring you for so long.”

“Hey!” Jaebum shot back, “this was going so well and you just had to ruin everything.”

“I can’t keep stroking your ego,” you explained, “God knows it’s already big enough.”

“Oh, big enough,” he repeated, his mind suddenly elsewhere. “I see. What else is big about me, I wonder?”

You squinted your eyes, reading through him but refusing to give him the satisfaction.

“Hmm,” you pretended to think, leaning on your elbows. “I can’t seem to come up with anything else, to be honest. That must be it.”

Jaebum watched you for a moment, his own eyes narrow and glistening. Then, he shook his head and warned you with a dead-serious expression, “you’re going to get it one of these days.”

“Oh, exciting,” you said. “What am I going to get?”

“You—” the buzzing of his phone interrupted what was undoubtedly going to be a very witty response and Jaebum lunged to pick the device up from where he’d left it before he sat down.

You watched him read the message and then turn to face you with wide eyes.

“It’s Jackson,” he said. “He wants to meet me and discuss everything in person.”

“Well, go, then!” you said, waving your hand in the direction of the front door of the apartment. You weren’t sure if Jaebum really needed your encouragement – he did, actually – because he looked like his mind was already in Jackson’s studio even if his body was still here. “Let me know how it goes when you’re back.”

“I will,” he said, not forgetting to kiss you before darting for the door – and then backing up again one more time. “I want to take you with me. But you need to get some proper sleep. Your eyes are bloodshot.”

You hadn’t realized your eyes were red but, as soon as he’d mentioned it, you started to feel the stinging sensation behind your eyelids every time you blinked. Your eyes must have been unusually dry and yet you were so preoccupied with your mind, you’d completely ignored the physical signals your body was sending.

“I’ll be waiting for you here,” you said, your smile letting him know how much you appreciated him wanting you to come with. “Don’t take too long, though, or I’ll fall asleep.”

“Never,” he promised and, after nodding his head in the general direction of your—or his; it was hard to tell —bedroom, he disappeared into the hallway.

You only dared to release the breath you’d been holding when you heard the front door close. Debating what you should do – stay in the kitchen and stare at the empty living room area ahead, or return to your room and stare at the walls of your empty bedroom instead – you toyed with the corner of the countertop of the kitchen island. Now that you were alone in the apartment, everything you’d kept inside was suddenly rushing to the surface and you realized you weren’t going to be able to keep sitting still for much longer.

You needed something to occupy yourself with, so you went to take a shower and purposefully played loud music to drown out your thoughts. It helped for the first few songs – because you could sing along under your breath – but then your playlist decided to introduce you to some new – melancholic, of course – music you’ve never listened to before and, immediately, you found yourself standing in the shower, with your head down, the water pouring on your hair and sliding down your shoulders in nervous dribbles. It would have looked comically dramatic had you been watching yourself from afar.

Once you managed to clear your head by turning the knobs until the water was scalding hot and your skin was rapidly reddening, you finally started to feel less like you were outside of your own body. The steam in the shower cabin made it difficult to breathe, however, so you didn’t stay in the cabin for too long.

The damp warmth inside of the bathroom itself, as well as the fogged up glass door of the shower and the mirror above the sink reminded you too much of Jaebum’s car on the night before your interview, and you felt your mind drift back to the trip whether you liked it or not. There really wasn’t much that could distract you from it.

After you stepped out of the shower and wrapped your hair in a towel, throwing a robe on your body, you opened the door of the bathroom to let some cold air in, and then leaned against the sink with your hip, grabbing your phone to pause the music.

You needed silence as you braced yourself for what you were about to do.

You hadn’t really taken the shower to come up with a definite decision, regarding Jiho’s proposal. The decision what to do had come to you even before you entered the shower – although, truthfully, being closed up in a small space, surrounded by water and steam, did work as a great stimulant for your mind – and if you had to pinpoint the exact moment that triggered you to reach a decision, you’d say it was the sound of the door closing as Jaebum walked out to meet up with Jackson, a lengthy discussion about his future awaiting him.

You wanted to close that door, too. You wanted that future, too.

And, as you typed the text message on your phone, you figured that maybe you didn’t need to make the ultimate decision right now. Agreeing to a meeting with Jiho when he’s back here in the city would only mean you’re giving him another chance to convince you to do this but you weren’t going to give him a guarantee you’d say yes. You thought Jiho was smart enough to realize that himself but he probably also expected you to be smart enough to understand that this was your last chance.

If you had him adjust his schedule to make some time for seeing you and then ended up saying no, he wouldn’t offer again.

Depending on which angle you looked at this from, it could be both good and bad. Good because you didn’t want to associate yourself with Jiho anyway and, surely, his pride wouldn’t allow him to pursue you professionally – or in any other way, to be honest – any further. But also bad because this was your only opportunity to have an exhibition of your own.

Then, just as you started to think that you might have to find a different way to get yourself known in the photography world because Jiho didn’t answer your text for, at least, twenty minutes – so this was what Jaebum must have felt like in your kitchen earlier – he finally got back to you.

And he wanted to know if you were free to meet him for lunch this Tuesday.

Exhaling slowly, you left the bathroom and headed to your bedroom instead. Jiho was, apparently, still visiting the city every Tuesday, and that felt like an overwhelming reminder of all the Tuesdays you’d already spent seeing him or avoiding to see him. The bathroom suddenly felt like it was too public to agree to meet up with him again. You felt like you needed to be all by yourself as you texted him back – as if you were doing something that you’d have been embarrassed if caught – but you couldn’t find that privacy in your bedroom, either.

Since crawling inside of yourself, hiding in the deepest pit of your soul, and pressing the dreadful “O” and “K” on your keyboard wasn’t possible, you sat down on your bed, straightened your position, fruitlessly tried to convince yourself that you weren’t doing anything wrong, and then agreed to spend the rest of the weekend dreading the upcoming Tuesday.

Jaebum returned home a few hours later when you were still in your bedroom, sitting in the corner of your bed closest to the wall, your hoodie snug around your body, the hood hiding your hair and providing the perfect acoustics for the music in your earphones. You’d tried to sleep – the sitting position obviously wasn’t the smartest choice but every time you lied down and relaxed your mind, you kept imagining the argument you’d get into with Jaebum after you would tell him about Jiho, so you chose to remain seated – so the music wasn’t very loud and that was why Jaebum didn’t scare you when he entered your bedroom, his bright smile illuminating your room.

You unhooked the straps of your hood from below your chin and took the hood off, followed by the earphones.

“Did it go well?” you asked pointlessly as you clocked the bottle of champagne in his hands. The golden bottle of MOËT complimented his million-dollar smile very nicely. “It better, because that thing in your hand costs more than the most expensive pair of shoes I own.”

Jaebum laughed, sitting on your bed next to you and throwing his shoulders back as he took a deep breath, sorting his thoughts and placing the bottle of champagne on the floor next to your bed.

“Jackson agreed on a meeting with the agency,” he announced. Just as your eyes widened in surprise and your hands already extended to engulf him in a congratulatory hug, he added, “this Tuesday.”

Your heart seemed to drop to your very toes as you paused, your mind nearly going into overdrive as it reached a dreadful conclusion: you were seeing Jiho this Tuesday as well, and that meant you and Jaebum only had three days left before the familiar and comfortable road of your lives would lead you to enter the dangerous, unknown woods ahead. You weren’t sure if those woods were truly there or if they were just a mirage – a figment of your overactive, overly ambitious imagination – but now you were halfway there, and if they weren’t actually real, they surely felt like they were.

Either way, both of your lives were changing this Tuesday.

“That’s so soon,” you pointed out, only allowing yourself half a moment of shock before throwing your arms around his neck and feeling his chest rumble as he laughed in relief – he’d noticed the apprehension in your eyes – hugging you back. “I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard.”

“So have you,” he whispered into your hair. His voice was elated and you knew immediately that you couldn’t tell him about Jiho and risk staining the pure—beautiful—shade of joy on his face. “Can you believe how far we’ve come?”

You couldn’t. Everything stopped feeling real when you’d left your apartment yesterday. It was as if you got into Jaebum’s car to drive to the gallery and ended up driving right into a different reality instead. It may not have snowed ash here but your current state of mind felt just as inescapable as Silent Hill.

“For what it’s worth coming from me,” you said, “I’m proud of you.”

Jaebum pulled away. “What do you mean? It’s worth everything coming from you. You’re the person I’m most excited and most afraid to play my music to.”

“Well, I was always proud of you,” you said, afraid to sound awkward but plunging ahead anyway because your heart had started to beat too loud for you to hear your thoughts and form coherent sentences. “It just feels like it’d be more meaningful if the people who never expected much from you were the ones saying these words—”

“Fuck those people,” he cut you off with a swift shake of his head. “I’m not doing this to make them proud. I don’t care what they think about me now. I care what my friends think, the ones who have always been there for me. I care what my mom thinks; she was the first one who read my lyrics even though I wasn’t ready for her to read them yet. But I care what you think most of all because, although “Don’t Touch Me” is out there for everyone to listen, you’re the only one who knows what it’s really about.”

Before you and Jaebum had come clean about your feelings to each other – even if it was as vague as possible because you two lived off of all that wasn’t spoken out loud – you had speculated and doubted if his heart beat the same way yours did. You’d completely disregarded every instance when Jaebum excluded you from everyone else in his life, proving that he had feelings for you even when you thought that wasn’t possible, because none of it seemed believable and, instead, everything seemed too good to be true.

The most prominent instance proving that he never hated you as much as he may have lead you to believe at the beginning of your relationship, was his confession about Suji. He’d told you that you were one of the few – one of the two – people who knew this many details about his relationship with her.

“Mark knows,” you said out loud, after a few prolonged moments of silence.

“Mark knows about Suji,” Jaebum clarified, “he literally saw me go through that relationship. Jackson saw me write about it. But you saw me survive it. Not just that, y-you—you survived it with me,” he looked down, tracing the floral pattern of your bedsheet with the tip of his index finger. “So, yeah, Mark does know, I guess. And Jackson figured out plenty, too. Jinyoung and the others – they’ve caught glimpses. They understand what I’m singing about in that song, it’s not hard to figure that out. But you’re the only one who knows the meaning of every word of the song. You know it so well, really, it’s as if you wrote it yourself. And, in fact, the song probably wouldn’t have been much different if you had written it because, by the time Suji resurfaced, it wasn’t just my life she had reappeared in. It—it was our life.”

You swallowed with great difficulty, recalling his previous confession about the precise moment when he’d started to have feelings for you. You knew nothing of these feelings when you saw Suji for the first time in the kitchen right outside of your bedroom. You didn’t know that the gorgeous girl, fitting right in at your apartment as if she was the one living here, would turn out to be the central figure of both of your lives. You didn’t know that, fueled by your mutual hatred for her, you and him would, bit by bit, come to terms with your budding feelings for each other until one day, you’d be sitting on your bed, holding one another in your arms, a bottle of champagne awaiting you as you celebrated another milestone together.

But you knew it all now. Even though you and Jaebum were as far from an actual relationship as two people could be at that time, Suji didn’t just show up to wreak havoc for him because he wasn’t hers to control. He wasn’t alone anymore. He hadn’t been alone since you walked out of your bedroom on your first night here, expecting to see your female roommate return home from her errands, and, by a hilarious coincidence, seeing the missing piece of your soul instead.

“What do you want me to do?” you asked.

Jaebum blinked, caught off guard. “Excuse me?”

“I—it sounds like you’re saying all of that because you want to get something from me,” you explained lamely, your cheeks suddenly hot.

He laughed. “What? No. I’m just say—okay, I do want something from you.”

“What is it? Careful, though. I’d give you anything and, at this point, I’m afraid I can’t tell the right from wrong,” you said, unsure if you were swearing to do so much for him because you were so grateful for all that he had told you or because you felt guilty about the things you hadn’t told him. “So please don’t ask me to kill for you because I will.”

“No. I don’t want much,” he shook his head, chuckling still. There was a heaviness in his chest – the same kind that always gathered there whenever he remembered his earlier life or whenever he allowed himself to imagine how different everything would have been if he hadn’t met you. “I just want you to be with me through whatever the hell we’re about to get ourselves into and then after.”

You took his hand into yours and nodded, tasting blood inside of your mouth as you promised, “I’m with you.”

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the-black-dragons-den · 4 years

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Hello! How're things going with you these days? Hope it's going alright

Hi! I’ve been meaning to respond to this for days but I also wanted to take this as an opportunity to just kind of, elaborate on my life because it’s been kind of crazy! I am so sorry for turning this into a novel about myself because a simple “I’m doing better, thanks!” probably would have sufficed to answer, but I also needed to get this all out!

Also you know you are one of my favorite mutuals, I adore your blog, and your presence on my tumblr feed always makes me smile! Thank you for checking in with me, that’s super sweet of you!

TLDR; My mental health is a daily struggle but I’m taking real steps to take care of myself. My financial situation has dramatically improved, I didn’t catch Coronavirus, and in general things are looking up! I’m also trying to decide what the heck to do with my life - seek a better job now or go back to school to train to get a better job.

Here’s the long version!

At the end of last year, my fiance and I both quit our jobs due to a SUPER toxic work environment. That lead to a very long and stressful battle to win my unemployment benefits from that employer (but I did win eventually!) That whole thing was really hard on my mental health, but worth it in the end. Even with that, we basically blew through all of our very meager year-long savings (that was intended to go toward my fiance’s much needed dental work) for rent and groceries, right around the 2019 holidays so that was a really hard time. We both found jobs (mine part-time and his first one temporary and his current one full-time and awesome) but we still spent the first couple months of this year going to the food bank every week and barely making rent. We’ve been in hard times like that before but having to spend ALL of our savings was gut-wrenching.

So, roughly 3 weeks after my fiance got his new awesome job, Coronavirus became a big threat in our area and he was immediately laid off. Luckily, he was guaranteed his job back, and was able to get unemployment during that time. I’m still on unemployment while I’m working this part-time job, but more on that later. Anyway, that means we both received the extra pandemic benefits with our unemployment payments.

My job now is merchandising, which means that I work for a company that’s contracted by stores in the area, and I go to those stores and do things like setting displays, compliance scanning, etc. Honestly, so few people who don’t work as merchandisers know the job even exists, but I promise that a bunch of the displays at your local stores are not put there or stocked by store employees. It’s part-time, I work independently and for the most part don’t have to interact with a ton of people (which is really helpful for my anxiety). So, all in all, not a bad job for me, especially while I try to figure out what’s next.--

---Anyway, I didn’t stop working at all during the pandemic, which was good for our finances but again, hard on my mental health. (This is kind of whiny but it was incredibly wearing that I was an essential worker, but I watched other essential workers get raises and hazard pay and an outflow of support, and because people don’t know merchandisers are a thing, no one really thought to thank or support us, or give us more money.) I actually took on several more stores during April and May to cover for coworkers. I really am grateful to have had a job but let me tell you, being out there in the pool of stress exuding from everyone’s pores every day for hours at a time really wound my brain up.

However! Despite the mental health struggle that, let’s be honest, is impossible to avoid with my pre-existing conditions and the state of the world, things are looking up! Between unemployment benefits, the stimulus, my fiance’s severance, and his return to work and subsequent promotion and raise (SO PROUD OF HIM!), we are financially more steady now than... we ever have been. We’re slowly getting his dental work taken care of, which we’ve been trying to do for nearly four years. We’re never worried about rent, we have money saved, and OH OH OH, I am now 82% paid on my debt!!! I racked up credit card debt several years ago when we were very broke (buying groceries and necessities no less) and have been paying it for 3 years now, and I’ve actually made real progress! I have a “good” credit score! That feels amazing! My fiance even accidentally dropped and shattered his phone, and we were able to order a new (still relatively inexpensive) one that night, without having to sacrifice grocery money or anything which was awesome (especialyl because he needs his phone for work).

Additionally, I recently ask my job if I could cut back on hours because I was getting so burnt out and I needed to do this for my mental health. Between my fiance and I, I’m the driver so I have to make time for errands, and because he works full time (and a decent bit of overtime), I try to handle as much of the household chores as I can. But that altogether with work and making sure we can both get to needed appointments and stuff is A LOT to handle. And because he’s making good money now, I can actually take this step back from work, cut back on my hours, and we’re not super hurting for money because of it. We’ve never had a time together when we haven’t been calculating our hours day by day, trying to get more work time at any opportunity, scraping for every cent we earned. This is so amazing and different.

So I’ve cut back on my hours for the sake of my mental health. I’ve downloaded a mood-tracking app to try to get more insight into my patterns, moods and behaviors. I’ve made time for relaxation - long hot baths are my thing. I’m almost debt-free which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I just... want to be able to get out of bed most mornings without having a mental breakdown, that’s the first goal. It’s a struggle, but it’s a goal!

I’m also trying to make time to decide what to do with my life. I completed 2 years of college but never finished. I’ve only ever worked kind of crappy entry-level jobs. I really struggle with customer interaction (super wearing on me, makes me miserable) and I’d love to find a career where that’s limited, but I’m not sure if that means I’ll need to go back to school. My parents are also pushing me to make sure I seek a career in a field that pays well and is growing, which is logical, but has already made them discourage me out of the idea of being a paralegal, which I was really interested in... I’d like to go back to school but I really need a path before I make that decision. None of my passions (make-up, music, or being a paralegal apparently) are really things I could make a financially lucrative career out of, unless I had the dedication and talent of much healthier person, mentally. I’d like to be a forensic analyst maybe, but my parents are trying to talk me out of that one too. My dad has always wanted me to be an architect but I am not adept with math and I don’t want to design boring office buildings. In the meantime, it’s really hard to find a job that I get into without a degree, that allows me that minimal interaction with people and actually pays decently well. So I’m struggling but now I have time to actually think about it and figure it out, which is awesome.

LASTLY, I promise ---- I have nothing but support in my heart for the BLM movement, and I have been horrified by the actions of local and national police forces, and deeply proud of some of my peers who have been going to protests daily, helping speak out against the horrors being committed upon the colored communities in our country. I have not had the ability to participate in any protests, but I can’t explain the deep emotional grief that I feel over the unjust deaths, the tear gas and rubber bullets, the plowing down of innocent people. Videos of brutality make me ache with despair but I share them because I’m so fearful that if the wrong people come out on top in this situation, these videos and records of what was done to the American people will be destroyed. Though I am lucky to be surrounded by peers who share my feelings, these events have definitely strained my already tenuous relationship with my very conservative parents, and feeling so alienated from them has brought up a lot of childhood pain. However, as a very sheltered white female, I understand that my grief and despair cannot compare to the grief of black, brown, and other non-white communities during this time.

In conclusion, 2020 has been a real shit year so far but I’m standing here fighting back with every fiber of my being to make life better for me and my fiance, to get on top of my mental health, and to figure out what I’m doing with my life now!

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