Tumgik
#i am very much at peace with myself and its a bummer that others cant understand me
yfczangel777 · 4 years
Text
Since its 3:30 am and I'm just here overthinking things... i present a worry to the void;
I ramble and over explain cuz it's just how I am so sorry its gonna be long but yeah...
Hobi is warm and sweet and always puts everyone at ease and does everything in his power to make others feel heard and loved and happy. He really truly is the embodiment of his name: he gives people hope ♡
And I dont wanna be a bummer..
But I worry a little to myself.
((And for me; I feel this. Deeply. I am an empath and so I ~feel~ things, man. I vibe hella with Hobi and we are hella kindred spirits ♡ But this leads me to this worry cuz not only do I pick up on energies and also just generally assessing info I'm presented but I also feel that feel on a personal level and recognize a lot of behaviors cuz I've BEEN there))
But ok so...
I honest to god think he has found a certain amount of peace in life that does allow him to be truly optimistic and airy and just kinda vibe with life in general. I DO think he is genuine and his sunny demeanor is not an act. I feel sincerity from him deep in my bones ♡
However.... I worry for him a little because no matter how well adjusted and "cup half full" he tends to be everyone struggles sometimes.. especially I'd imagine in a high stress industry like hes in. I've noticed little things like that members say hes kinda "private" and he doesnt get overly "deep" in convos about himself. But continually everyone talks about how hes a good mediator and listener and never fails to bring up the mood or cheer up someone when they feel down. Hes a peacemaker and ray of sunshine for the group and that's amazing and HES amazing BUT I worry he does it all at the expense of himself. I've noticed he kind of offhandedly has mentioned like once that he 'doesnt always feel hopeful' but has to keep being the embodiment of hope anyways. I cant give specific sources but I've just internalized several instances over time from media of Hobi generally being like 'it's my duty to be hope for others. It's what I am so I cant stop'
Like I feel deeply that he GENUINELY is hopeful and truly truly loves others and lives for making people happy and genuinely cares for others and is glad when he can make them feel good.
But I also worry that during bad periods he keeps it deeply internalized because he is SO committed to being sunshine and comfort and hope to others that he fears letting people down if he isnt feeling okay. So I def think Hobi hides when he is feeling low because he just CAN'T let himself "burden" others with when hes feeling down. In his mind he cant stop being the light and joy to others at any cost because that's what he "needs" to be. They "need" him to be that for them. The members... Armys... everyone.
He never has stories of being comforted by anyone (at least on a deep level) but everyone has testaments of being comforted by Hobi. And I KNOW it's not because other members dont care or wouldn't comfort him but because he constantly hides from everyone any sign that he needs that support. I'm sure deep down he craves it but at the same time he would feel guilty if he let it happen. Me and Hobi are so alike that it's crazy... and I'm this way and I just... idk I just see it in him. I feel it from him..
But yeah and like.. it definitely builds up occasionally. Theres this one video (an episode of Run maybe? I have a hell of a time finding it but I've def seen it) and it just really stuck with me hard. I was deeply bothered by it. They were doing something (??) And had to stop laughing and everyone kept getting the giggles and kept having to try again and started playfully non-seriously scolding each other when giggles kept bursting out. And at one point they were almost under control and someone laughed again and everyone blamed Hobi cuz they thought it was him and he insisted "really no it wasnt me this time" but they kept teasing him saying it was (good naturedly mind you.. but they seemed convinced he really did. I actually dont know who it was tbh) and they playfully kept accusing him but then suddenly he just started crying??? Like he kept trying to smile n stuff but he just started to cry :( and everyone was suddenly like "??? What? Why are you crying? Oh No dont cry" and they stopped fooling around and quickly moved on from it and gave him a few gentle consoling pats but it was just dropped and they moved on and like ... it was never addressed?? And I was so so concerned and i was like "oh no Hobi 😢" because yo dude I recognize that situation. I've BEEN there. It's being so full of pent up bad feelings and then some minor little thing happens that normally wouldn't even bother you but you're just so fragile that it's the straw that breaks the camel's back and you just burst into tears and it's not cuz of that thing but you just break down cuz you've been holding it all in. It just kinda deeply stuck with me and I wanted to comfort him so bad. Like ... talk to me baby.. unload it all.. you're hurting... what's wrong? Let me help or at least just let me listen and learn on me 😢. I hope they took him aside and tried to care for him once the camera was off. I really really do.. the poor thing 😢 But yeah
That was a huge one. Along with all the little subtle things I keep putting together. This sweet sunshine boy... I wanna comfort him when he sad. I want SOMEONE at least to comfort him. But he has to LET someone in for that. He fears being vulnerable and feels it's a letdown to others and that breaks my heart.
But yeah.. at least it's not too often. Thank god it's not too often. I am grateful to the universe that this sweet man generally does seem to have a genuine positivity and optimism to him...cuz he deserves nothing but joy and good things. But on the occasions when he isnt okay deep down inside. I feel he is very emotionally stiffled during those times and ..it sucks so bad and hurts to just go through it alone because you CANT let your loved ones worry about you and you CANT let them down. And my heart aches for him because I'm the same damn way so I know that feel and I love him so i dont want him to hurt. And I /know/ that if the others knew they would want to tell him "no! We love you and want to help you!" You're allowed to have bad days! It's not letting us down!" But I feel he hides it really well and also I'm certain they've noticed tho more than once and I suspect Hobi either 1) denies it to his dying breath 2) only barely acknowledges it and severely downplays his own needs to encourage others to drop the issue quickly or 3) may even get defensive and/or lock himself away so he ~cant~ be approached about it. I suspect 1 and 2 the most but u never know.
But I just feel really sad cuz I want Hobi to allow himself support too. Hes our hope and brings us so much joy and comfort and deserves the world. He deserves the same hope and comfort. I hope for him that he can eventually let his walls down and lean on others when he needs to and know that hes not a burden if hes not sunny 100% of the time... that hes just human and is worthy of love and support and that people who love him want to give it to him and are not put out by it in the least.
I'm just like him. I can say these things but I still think "not me though"
But... at the very least I can vent into the void. I do this on tumblr because it's a bit different than a diary. It's out there in the world and others could see it but it's not like I'm directly imposing it onto another individual.
And my biggest improvement/accomplishment; I at least now have one person (my husband) who I finally.. for the first time in probably my whole ass life... have broken down a wall with and I can go to him and spill my guts whenever I'm not okay. It took a lot to build up to but to be able to do that at least with him helps a lot when I feel bad.
And I really hope Hobi can find the same. It makes a world of difference and someone needs to nurture this sweet boy the way he does for us. It hurts to know he likely suffers in silence most of the time when he does. I just want him to be nurtured and loved cuz he deserves it 🥺
0 notes