#i am such a sad person because of her

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 2 - Psyche Skills

Part 1 - Part 3

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #disco elysium #MDZS disco elysium au #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #yu ziyuan #While it's more in vogue to draw a character's skill roster tailored to them - #One of the more subtle details I love in DE is how some of the skill portraits parallel character portraits of people hbd associates with. #Theres somethine rather poetic to be said about how other people shape out thoughts and sometimes act as a 'voice' in our head. #How we are in part a collection of impressions other people left behind on us. #I am a huge Skillhead (Those are my friends! My party members! They love me! They have their own agendas and alliances!) #so of course a healthy portion of this AU is dedicated to them <3 #the Int skills go basically unchanged from DE. Psy as well (with changes to a few quirks in voice). #Fys skills though...well...wwx is in a different body! Those voices belong to Someone Else. #Esp electrochem (MXY in this AU also partied to near death. WWX is withdrawing and craving substances he's never even heard of before) #While I personally don't fully subscribe to Volition Jean I *do* see Volition Jiang Cheng. The voice of your Not Brother keeping you afloat #All three of these parallels make me unbelievably sad. They are also both purple. Art is like that sometimes. #Empathy Jiang Yanli...oh man do I have a lot of thoughts about her. Disco fans Who Know....you can probably see what I'm cooking. #Authority is a really interesting skill in DE because *yes* its about power and intimidation - but it's also about finesse and respect #Titus Hardie and YZY both abuse *and* finesse how they establish their authority - in a way that leaves quite an impression. #2 more mdzs disco posts that I *need* to create and then I'm off to working on raffles <3

[handweavers]

i've been so fucked up for months i haven't been able to go downtown to pick up my work from last spring from my school's textile studio and they always have a cutoff date like if you don't pick up your old work by x date they toss it and they're pretty strict about that unless you arrange with the studio tech beforehand, and the studio tech doesn't like most people she's pretty curt with most students. not rude but just keeps things professional and a bit distant, a very serious person. but i know she grew to like me over the past few years/warmed up to me a lot and we'd chat a lot about different textile things and she would say really kind things to me a lot which felt rare and special, and she let me have special treatment with some of the equipment because she trusted me to use it properly. and i haven't seen her in nearly a year and i expected her to have tossed my work out when i didn't come to pick it up last fall and emailed her to explain why and dropped off the face of the earth, i made my peace with losing that work and accepted it, it is what it is, i will survive, etc.

but she emailed me earlier this week and said she didn't have the heart to toss my work and has kept it safe in her office for me if i'm ever able to come pick it up and if not she's going to keep it as an example piece to show other students when teaching weaving because it's too lovely to get rid of and my heart swelled like 10 times its size bc she didn't have to do that and it meant so much to me that even a year from seeing her last she was still thinking about me and being kind to me. and i emailed her back and picked it up today and saw her and we chatted for a bit and it was so nice. I love her I miss my school's textile studio and weaving in there and talking craft with her... sigh

#ill never able to finish that program because i cant afford tuition anymore & am ineligible for student loans now #so ill never get to weave in that studio or work with her again and i didnt have the heart to tell her its just too sad #but we exchanged personal emails and instagrams so i know we'll keep in touch #being sick at home 95% of the time makes it easy to forget how nice it feels to interact with other people #who see you as like. an independent competent adult they respect as a colleague of sorts... its really really nice

[frozenartscapes]

I have a theory that Yor's poison tolerance is so high not just because of the assassin training, but also from all the trial and error she likely went through while foraging for food as a kid.

(I mean, her cooking is a given as a source of poison training but I personally think that she probably ordered out most of her meals once she started living on her own. But considering a lot of adults sometimes have difficulty determining which berries and mushrooms are safe to eat, I fully expect a child with limited resources wouldn’t know right away. And rather than chance anything with Yuri, she likely was the poison checker herself until she became more familiar with what plants are safe to eat.)

#i am desperate to see more of yor's backstory #what we have learned about it i expect it to be pretty sad #currently it's been seen in cute little flashbacks - from mostly yuri's perspective #and yuri is not exactly the most reliable source of unbiased information - he definitely has rose coloured glasses on #and i fully expect it to just hurt that much more because yor's such a kind person #she likely kept up the warm smiles and soft laughter even on days there wasn't enough food for both of them to eat #or she had gotten hurt doing her real job but needed to look after yuri #spy x family #yor briar #yor forger

[bonefall]

i dont mean this to spark a night vs crow debate but doesnt the ultimate guide state that nightcloud's "bitterness toward Crowfeather tainted Breezepelt with its poison" (directly quoting this). i agree that we shouldnt take crow's word on this bc hes a biased source, but the ultimate guide doesnt have a character pov. what are your thoughts on this? idk if its a retcon since its been forever since ive read the mainline. i like the idea that the two fucked up in their own ways.

Generally inaccurate and sometimes containing information that outright contradicts canon, Field Guides should considered very low in a canon hierarchy.

The same field guide completely fails to mention that Crowfeather wasn't only neglectful to Breezepelt, but actively emotionally abusive to him, and doesn't even MENTION that he suddenly blamed everything on Nightcloud.

So I DO feel justified in saying that the field guides probably did contribute in some way to how absolutely obtuse WC fans can be towards the text.

It just Makes. Shit. Up. These authors have had SHAMEFUL levels of misogynistic bias for YEARS and it's never more apparent than when they're writing bullshit summaries like "Ashfur was soo nice and sweet and only loved too much :(" and "Clear Sky was simply being fierce when he was shoving his son's face in a sloppy wound" and then turning around and saying "actually it was the nearest woman's fault"

I pull from earlier field guides as inspiration, but exclusively treat the "summary" ones as insight to what is bouncing around in the brightly colored Moonjump Castle that is the author's minds.

Like the idea that they're "both fucked up" or not, it doesn't change the fact that what the Erins put on the page was an abusive father who tries to deflect blame to his WIFE for making a bratty son, and then took the abuser's side in supporting material for years.

#Even wrote a super edition for their sad sad boy where FOUR women and a leader have to hold his hand and say Be Nice To Your Child #Meanwhile if you commit the high crime of Lying to Husband they might send you to actual Hell. #With a bunch of murderers #No more being nice about this honestly I am going to grind all slander against Nightcloud to paste #Even though Night does get some flaws as a person in BB because she deserves them #She deserves to have a life and struggles of her own outside of being a wife and mom

[alizalayne]

omg girlies you’re never gonna believe it but the witchfinder general is hot on my trail

(this is a removal request for beetle by a ??? local political candidate in northern VA???? who is i guess running on an anti witchcraft platform??)

alt text is there if you can’t read the handwriting. i think this is very very very funny. i don’t think she knows girls kiss in it

#my favorite part is the part where she says i am promoting a challenging attitude in children. #that is correct!!!! you got it!!! lol #basically i think this was pulled from a masterlist of gay books by a group so because there’s nothing obviously gay on the flap #the person who happened to get this title just assumed it was there for witchcraft #i think she paged through the preview enough to find out that one of the characters is nonbinary and assumed that was the end of it #anyway she missed the big fat gay kiss :( #and the character who is so similar to her :(((( sad!

[forestgreenlesbian]

.

#feel like my relationship with my younger brother is changed completely forever not to be dramatic lol but i am sad #we used to b very close but he has kind of. found his faith again and gone full missionary christian which like. i knew meant the dynamic #was doomed lmao but actually acknowledging it makes me sad i feel like i'm grieving for the friendship we used to have even though #it is literally a me problem i think from his perspective he doesn't think anything has changed. but i feel weird about everything #also his new gf is nineteen and he is. almost 25 and i am the only one who feels weird about it like i know she's over 18 but! idk i can't #tell if i'm being overly cautious or if my gut instinct is right. my sister & her husband have a similar age gap but they met when they wer #both over 30 so like. it didn't feel weird. and i didn't feel comfortable actually seriously talking to him about it apart from the first #time he mentioned her over facetime (he went to another country to do mission stuff & met her there) so like an idiot i've just been #making jokes about the age gap becausee like. thats always been our thing lightly bullying each other lol but he blew up at me and said #i've had nothing positive to say about her since he's been back home and that he thinks i hate her and i'm out of line for constantly #implying he's creepy for dating someone younger. idk i felt like such a freak idiot horrible person about it. it completely blindsided me #bc yes the jokes were coming from a place of idk how i feel about this situation so i'm going to rely on the humour-based communication #we have always fallen back on as a safety thing but i guess i was wrong or the dynamic shifted or something anyway it's all fucked #& everyone is just telling me i feel weird out of some?? misplaced kind of jealousy thing?? because i'm 'losing' my brother to his gf lol #which does not feel right at all he has dated so many other girls and i have never had a problem it is literally the age gap like i haven't #even met this girl i'm sure she's very nice! i just worry about her being nineteen!! jesus. and yes maybe i do feel some resentment around #a brother younger than me who seems to be able to live his life with zero difficulty whilst i'm stuck being this unemployed loser who ruins #literally ever friendship & relationship ive ever had but i think thats ok right like i can't help feeling that. i don't fucking knowwww #am i just projecting all these sad feelings about our friendship dying onto his new relationship or like. am i right to be genuinely #concerned she's six years younger than him and still a fucking teenager!!!!!! i don't know

[winepresswrath]

I do gotta say tho, even tho I’m mad at aziraphale because he’s being a terrible boyfriend like what you said about the “I forgive you like” because WHAT. But also I really like the way the show really demonstrates the underlying cruelty of heaven and it’s angels. Really shows the hypocrisy of a group of beings who are supposed to do good, especially aziraphale who really buys into the heaven propaganda, who hurts people, particularly the person who means the most to him. Because like you said he fully just takes advantage of that devotion Crowley has for him. Insane, this shwo makes me INSANE

I missed this anon and yeah! The angels were one of my favourite parts of the season, and I think the strongest element aside from Neil Gaiman deciding he's just a simple man who wants to put his otp in situations. They are deeply awful and I kind of love them. They are the exact kind of moralizing hypocrites who are callous and cruel precisely because they think being on team good means everything they do is justified and it's actually impossible for them to be in the wrong (they're angels! is it even possible for them to do the wrong thing?).

but!! To me, they also seem like they're basically kids? Obviously they're not literally children, but there is this very consistent reoccurring joke about how childish/sheltered/immature they are. Muriel is the most obvious example, but the archangels come off like bratty twelve year olds to her sweet little kid.

Gabriel is basically teenager in love flipping off his family as he runs away with his backstreet guy. Uriel is constantly picking at Michael, Michael is playing at being in charge like it's a game, and it's ridiculously easy for both Aziraphale and Crowely to trick them obvious half assed lies. They're not allowed to ask questions! The Metatron treats them like badly behaved kids out past their curfew. At any point an old man with a beard may pop up to scold them and send them home, and they're all scared of doing something wrong by his standards and getting in trouble with this guy who is pointedly not God but who lines up exactly with the pop-culture idea of god the father, and who offers Aziraphale, among other things, a respite from the hard work of figuring out what the right thing to do is for himself. It's fine! You don't have to question the belief system you were born into or make a painful break with everything you've ever known! Aziraphale has had six thousand years on earth to grow up, but the other angels have been sitting in a sterile white box playing "i'm not touching you" games with each other and filing paperwork.

And I think that's extra interesting because this season also really emphasizes:

Heaven has Institutional Problems

Aziraphale isn't the only angel who's unhappy in heaven. Gabriel and Muriel were both completely miserable. They just didn't understand that they were unhappy because they'd never experienced anything else.

Angels who aren't Aziraphale can change and grow! There's very explicitly Gabriel being changed by love and Muriel growing up a bit on earth, and from a more fan-theory angle there's also Jimbriel, who I think is probably basically Gabriel minus the war and six thousand years of playing referee for Michael and Uriel while unleashing an assortment of plague and calamities on earth because that's God's will! Buck up champ.

We also get Gabriel and Beezelebub talking about how their underlings basically live for Armageddon, "if you can call that living." This is so bleak. They've all been on a six thousand year time out just dreaming of the day they get to beat the shit out of each other until they feel better, but it won't work because eternity is just more of the box.

Anyway I think it's going in a distinctly eden adjacent direction. Aziraphale is going to tempt those angels with knowledge and the capacity for change. I have veered so far from your ask anon i'm sorry you're right heaven really went all out on sucking this season & while Crowley and Aziraphale are both fucking it up Crowley refrains from being spectacularly cruel to Aziraphale about it and Aziraphale should learn to return the favour. I forgive you!! I forGIVE you. I forgive YOU. "you can be an angel again" is actually a worse thing to say than "you're a demon. i don't even like you." when he finally picks crowley over heaven i'm going to lose my mind.

#good omens spoilers #good omens season two spoilers #idk it makes me sad that i didn't like the humans very much this season because i think ideally they're central to this whole how to be #a person question i also hope we get to see more of hell next season because i do think they're stuck in basically the same place #with a different aesthetic! and the stick being #thrown into a torture pit instead of thrown into hell #or like. mindwiped and locked in an office for all eternity #gabriel broke my heart which is embarrassing but when he goes from not even understanding what music is to experiencing #the simple pleasure of sharing a song with someone for the very first time and almost immediately hits repeat for eternity... baby. baby bo #i would also like more crowley! this was very much the season of aziraphale #which is fine but i missed him yelling questions at god and the bits where it seemed he really wanted aziraphale's opinion instead of just #wanting aziraphale to develop better opinions #next season had better be crowley wrestles with the universe i am telling you!!! #remember three months ago when i was like eh... another good omens season #i bet it'll be cute but i'm content with my book #i don't go here i said strapping on my clown shoes #seriously though i do think crowley is scared to admit to wanting to be good both because god rejected him and he doesn't want #to be a sucker for her (he is only interested in being a sucker for aziraphale) #and like. chase after something he's barred from and has already been told isn't for him. #and that's why it's so hard for him to admit even to himself that he too would be unhappy ditching earth #in ways that parallel aziraphale's unwillingness to let go of heaven as a source of moral authority and goodness #but the way aziraphale goes oh no! i cannot trust my own judgement and desires. They are suspect! #my judgement is that crowley is good and also funny and sexy. my desires are for his company and also his body #therefore the source of these desires is also maybe bad. i mean he's a demon. he's got to be bad #right??? but no. but i saw him do a good thing. but maybe i didn't? I should probably take a stance on this. #and he makes this crowley's problem until the apocalypse but then the second he gets the chance to cram crowley and his feelings for him #back in a heaven approved box he jumps at it in a way that requires just being WILDLY insensitive and dismissive of crowley's feelings #he's not just being a dick about their relationship he is being a dick about crowley as a person. and he should know better but is choosing #not to because he wants the easy out so badly. anyway i love him he was my favourite character all season no notes #good omens

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened. #you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help? #doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do” #“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem” #(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.) #he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again. #something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence? #she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”. #wips tag

[androidboy]

-

#ive got this awful feeling i just want to scoop out #i feel stupid and sensitive #like ive hardened myself to all this shit so the fact that i’m being affected by it is also making me mad at myself #my family didn’t want me around for thanksgiving and didn’t want me there for the family christmas party and didn’t want to #spend christmas with me because my mom doesn’t want me around the extended family because of how far in my transition i am #and my gf put off asking her fam about bringing me over for christmas for a month #and barely just asked and it sounds like they don’t want me there either #and tbh i kinda knew they wouldn’t #but also i feel like my gf also didn’t actually want me there which is why she put off asking for so long #and idk #i felt like with how far along i am in emotionally and physically recovering from stuff #and then also having a partner for the holidays for the first time #i would’ve left my sad sandra bullock era. but i have not #the only person who wants me around for the holidays is my dad and ive got such a weird relationship with him #and it literally would just be me and him alone #my dads side of the family doesn’t want me there either bc of the trans thing i just feel really fuckin #disgusting #feeling very goop monster

[mazzy-rockstar]

Monday blues are hitting me hard today

#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings #but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl #and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back #which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like #i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt #so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me #1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool) #my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and #it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics #even in pics where i was present at the time #and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts #i just want to be important to someone #i want to be someone’s person #not a last resort like #they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left #but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’ #not even a fucking heart on insta stories #am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends #like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup??? #I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one #idk i must exude some sort of energy #i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years #(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders) #anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day #ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life #it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets #i feel like hired entertainment sometimes #idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right? #i have to stop

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you

#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that #will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT. #anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure. #and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo #$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive #and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started #anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean #and i am just so sad right now #and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun #not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course #i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as #breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage #i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard #i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade #and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone. #i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that #:(( #honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug. #im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything

[malewifedaemontargaryen]

what's so devastating at this point is... neither daemon nor rhaenyra truly care about the iron throne. like they don't not care about it, but they don't fully want it for its own sake. what they want is viserys. who sits on that throne and who continuously uses the power it gives him to hold both of them at arms length. she wants a father. he wants a brother. but they will settle for a throne. they will settle for that tangible and physical connection of being viserys heir, if that's all they can have.

#rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen #viserys targaryen #like... out of both of them i think rhaenyra still has the more personal and individual desire to sit that throne because she sees it as a #way to escape at least some of the confines her gender places upon. it's a chance to get as much agency and power over her own life as she #can... which is obviously something appealing to her and sth she desperately wants #but even that whole issue for her is at least partially wrapped up in her relationship with viserys/his obvious desire for a male heir/the #way she is over and over again denied respect and agency and personhood by him due to her gender #it's honestly all just so messed up and sad and i am loving every second of it #house of the dragon

[lesbianfakir]

Sorry for being so rambly today (and last night) I have thoughts so onto the blog they go

I feel like part of the joy of art is in community, like you create something and you get to talk about it and share it with the world. This year I lost touch with the friends who I would always talk about art with and I think that loss is heavily impacting my ability to create (and the enjoyment I get from it.) I miss having a new idea and getting to ramble about it excitedly. I miss texting people the sketches and the mock ups and the color palettes.

I got into art for me. I wouldn’t show anything I made to anyone for years. So I’m no stranger for creating for the target audience of myself. Still, I miss that sense of community. I love this blog and I absolutely adore the lovely comments you all leave on my art but sometimes it feels so one-sided on here. I post a piece, I receive a lovely tag back and that’s it. End of story. I spend hours and hours working on something and it kind of disappears into the void in a day or so.

Trying to put it into words, but I think I wish I could create art that starts a conversation. That inspires people to create their own things in response, or even just talk with me about process. I think the perfectionism has gotten out of hand lately because I feel like I’m missing something—which I attribute to the quality of the piece—but really what I’m missing is buddies to chat about art with. There is no level of being “good enough” that will serve as a substitute for a real community.

#ahaha if you can’t tell I am a very introspective person #and a lonely one the transition to college has been rough and all my friends are back home #anyways I was thinking about drawing more stuff for my ocs today #and then I remembered the friend I loved to talk about them with hasn’t replied to me in a month #which is understandable. she’s busy. she made new friends. she’s not struggling like I am so it makes sense that she’s just kind of moved on #but I miss her #I had no chance of making it to her in group because all her friends she met through dance and I can’t dance for shit #I don’t even think she meant to ghost me but who knows #it sucks that I won’t get a real goodbye #anyways all of that to say I was going to draw my ocs and then I got so sad because who would I even share them with #there are a few art groups on campus but I have anxiety and mild agoraphobia and when I try to go I just feel awkward and shy #anyways if anyone ever wants to chat about art #it’s only one of my fav things in the whole world #lea talks #WHY CANT I BE A PROPER TORTURED ARTIST #WHY CANT I TURN MY ISOLATION INTO SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL #WHY DO I NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO BE PRESENT IN THE PROCRESS #is it not enough to descend into a quiet madness on my own and create from that??

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone… #i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly. #i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized… #when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function. #plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone… #i went thru all that for nothing… #and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

[tj-crochets]

Hey y’all! I have family in town right now, and as a general heads up to people who don’t have food allergies/restrictions/stuff like that*: If you want to go out to dinner with someone you know has food allergies*, PLEASE discuss where you’ll go with them before you finalize plans. This message brought to you by my mom inviting all the local members of my family out for barbecue, a thing I cannot have in restaurants because either it uses sauce, which has vinegar in it (and usually so much sauce is used there’s a high risk of cross contamination) or it smokes meat, in which case I can’t breathe. Smells good! Usually tastes good! Very bad for my asthma.  *idk where food intolerances fall on this scale? but I couldn’t think of a good catchall term for “cannot eat some foods without bad consequences”

#the person behind the yarn #food mention #allergy mention #I am. kinda sad tbh. #I've told her and told her so many times about the vinegar allergy #it's my worst allergy (well. arguably coconut is worse but my coconut allergy is also dramatic and I can't accidentally eat it) #(and I'd rather cough/wheeze for a few minutes than have migraines extreme nausea and bad tachycardia. Vinegar is worse to me) #(I start wheezing as soon as coconut is in my mouth which makes it extremely easy to not eat it) #the basic rule of thumb for eating in restaurants while allergic to vinegar is: if it has a sauce I can't eat it #tomato based sauces for like pizza and pasta are 50/50 I always have to check #but condiment type sauces pretty much 100% have vinegar in them #I probably would not have gone to the dinner anyway because covid #but still! she didn't even consider it! #and it's perfectly okay for her to not have my list of allergies memorized #all she has to remember is that I HAVE allergies #I do not mind her checking my allergy list! I will happily list what things I am allergic to to pretty much anyone I know! #I am aware that the management of my allergies is on me not on her #but still. it would be nice for my allergies to be a consideration when getting food :(

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. i Am complaining. #i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas. #but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now. #ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even #like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh #even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time #something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope #i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them #like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right? #but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me. #because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for #and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person. #she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything. #no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that? #so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around. #but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her #really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long. #and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time #so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully. #what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her. #either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all. #or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is. #i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her #so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.