#i am struggling w one of my new writing projects

[gyu-effect]

(tryna do) what lovers do || y.jh

"WE ARE JUST TRYNA DO WHAT LOVERS DO”

PAIRING || Jeonghan x Female Reader

GENRES || Fake Dating AU, College AU, Humour, Fluff, Friends To Lovers AU, Rich Kids AU

SUMMARY || When you had roped Jeonghan into your idea of being a ‘pretend’ couple, you did not expect the lie to grow this big. What was supposed to be a one day thing soon became a rather frequent occurrence. And the gravity of the situation did not really hit you until your parents were requesting an audience with your new ‘boyfriend’. Will the two of you be able to keep your act till then?

Or, in which, you keep promising yourself that this would be the last day you pretend to have feelings for Yoon Jeonghan.

SERIES MASTERLIST || teen, age

MUSIC || What Lover Do by Maroon 5 and SZA

WARNINGS || Joshua being a menace to the society, one mention of threesome as a joke (I really tried to keep it sfw but this was inevitable really sorry), drunk Jeonghan, a make out scene, probably very wrong elite party etiquettes (don’t come at me pls), a bit of swearing

WORD COUNT || 15k

A/N || As much as I was dying to write this fic, a lot of times I had to stop it because the flow was so bad. I hope it doesn’t affect the outcome so do tell me what you guys think about it! I would love to hear all of your opinions about it! Also for better understanding, Jeonghan’ suit was the one he wore for Don’t Lie Series Pt.2!

TAGLIST || @fragmentof-indifference @millielovescheol @jkbabiey @kokoiinuts @alyssng​ @cecedrake2217 @dr3aluv5 @romeosbreastmilk @y00nzin0      [thank you for being interested! if you wanted to be added to the series taglist or my general taglist, send me an ask!]

“Oh my god, why am I even here?” You sobbed to yourself, as you frantically turned the pages of the thick textbook, searching desperately for anything that could help you in your project. Despite being in the library for the past four hours, you had managed to write only two pages of your five page essay. You cursed yourself mentally for picking such a difficult topic in an attempt to be different from others.

“To get your degree and a job that will secure your future?” Seungkwan replied, as though he hadn’t been complaining about his own work a minute ago.

“Thanks. I wasn’t really sure before why I applied for college but now I definitely am.” You muttered, squeezing your eyes shut as you closed your laptop. As the semester was approaching the end, all the project deadlines had clogged up your calendar and you were pathetically struggling to finish everything on time. 

“You did not ask yourself this question when you were at the party yesterday.” He reminded you, causing you to open your eyes and glare at him. 

“I’ve been to a maximum of three parties throughout this entire semester minus our initiation party. How much more do you want me to quit? If I don’t let out my stress in some way or the other I’m going to combust.”

“Lies. You hate these parties and your stress busting mechanism is to go shopping with Kim Yeri.”

You raised your hands in defeat, but still stuck out your tongue at your best friend. Just because he was right didn’t mean you couldn’t complain and whine to him. 

“Speaking of parties,” he continued after shutting his laptop and looking at you, “What are you going to do about the one next week?”

You stared at him.

“Next week? What party?”

“Min Seolah’s party? She sent an invitation to you?” 

“Ah,” you said, vaguely remembering something in your inbox which you might have deleted out of anger at your pending work. “I just won’t go. Where’s it taking place? Her apartment?”

Now it was Seungkwan’s turn to stare at you.

“You didn’t go through the invitation did you?” He glared at you when you smiled sheepishly at him. “It’s an elite party. And you are expected to have an escort. In more polite terms, a date.” 

You felt your smile dip as soon as you heard the word ‘elite’. You absolutely hated these formal parties. More than boring, they were painful beyond words and talking with all the powerful delegates who were usually present there always exhausted you mentally. 

“Can’t I- can’t we excuse ourselves?”

“Our parents will be there.”

That line hit you like a truck and you finally felt the realisation sink in. “Oh my god. Oh my god, Seungkwan. I-I need to pick a dress! And shoes! And-And an escort! Where the hell am I supposed to get a date?” Even Seungkwan didn’t seem to have an answer for this. You continued your rambling as the panic finally settled in properly. “Oh god. How does one, who had next to zero social interactions outside her friend circle, manage to find a date in less than a week? And how are you so calm about this? Do you want to pretend to be each other’s escorts? Everyone knows there’s nothing between us anyways.”

“Er, about that.” Seungkwan began, awkwardly scratching his neck. “I already have a date.”

For the second time that day, Boo Seungkwan had dropped another bomb on you. You closed your mouth that had been hanging open and edged your chair closer to his suspiciously.

“Wait, what? When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me anything?”

“It happened just right before I came into the library!” He began, clearly flustered as he was avoiding your gaze and aimlessly flipping the pages of the book in front of him (it was actually your book, a subject he didn’t even have). “Sowon just- just randomly asked whether I wanted to go with her because she thought I was cool and I was so taken aback, I said yes without even thinking-”

“Is that all it takes to ask you out? Just tell you that you are cool?” You asked, leaning back and grinning at your furiously blushing best friend. You had seen Seungkwan embarrassed (and had sometimes even been the cause of it), but to see him this shy because of some girl from economics seemed worthy to make fun of. In the back of your mind, you made a mental note to tell this to Chan. 

“Are you worried about that? Shouldn’t you be worried about your lack of date, instead?” 

“Yeah…But I’ve got to finish this assignment before.” You always had your priorities right, and getting a degree was definitely one of them. “And I’m hungry.”

“It’s almost lunch time. Want to grab something from the canteen?” Seungkwan asked, checking his watch. You nodded and both of you packed up your things, walking out into the sunlight after what felt like an eternity of being in the dark library. 

No sooner had you stepped out of the threshold, you felt a gush of wind from behind you that nearly knocked you over, but Seungkwan wasn’t that lucky. He stumbled onto the ground as that gush of wind (now identified as Kwon Soonyoung) grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up. Or rather yanked him up.

“Hey! Do you want to die?” Seungkwan yelled, as you blinked and tried to process what had just happened. Then feeling a smile tug at the corner of your lips at the sight of Soonyoung nervously apologising to Seungkwan, you gently patted the latter’s back.

“Are you okay?” You asked, his neck visibly red at the sudden tugging of his shirt collar. 

“I highly doubt you should be smiling while asking me that?”

“I- okay I’m sorry.” By now you were grinning. “Drink some water, you should be fine. And Soonyoung, why the hell did you try to knock us out?”

“I wasn’t trying to! I just wanted to surprise Seungkwan from behind but I guess I ran a bit too fast.”

“A bit?” Seungkwan was still massaging his neck. “I bet you would have told that excuse to the judges for attempted murder after getting arrested because my head got dislocated from my spine.”

“Anyways, what do you think they are serving us for lunch?” Soonyoung asked, hastily changing the subject.

Before you or Seungkwan could reply, all of a sudden you realised you had left your jacket on the chair in the library. “Uh, guys I’ll catch up with you in the mess? I left my jacket behind.”

“You don’t want us to wait for you?” Seungkwan asked but you shook your head in negative.

“It’s fine. But don’t forget to save me a seat or else I’ll steal all your tiger plushies Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung faked a look of horror, pulling Seungkwan and breaking into a run. This earned an eye roll from Seungkwan as he waved you goodbye. Giggling at their retreating figure you went back inside the library. Thankfully, it was still there and slipping into it, you quickly walked out again. 

This time when you walked out, you found yourself staring at the couple underneath the willow tree near the library. It was still full of leaves despite it being almost autumn. It was almost cute to see the couple until you remembered your own position; you had to find a date before the week ended.

The sun glared on you and you instinctively took a step back, immediately colliding with someone. The two of you let out an ‘ah!’ as you stumbled back more before you felt the person’s hands on your shoulder, stabilising you.

“I’m so sorry!” You gushed, turning back to look at the person. You found yourself looking up at Yoon Jeonghan’s equally surprised face as he helped you up. “Jeonghan, shit, I’m so sorry. I should have looked.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. Are you okay? Don’t walk backwards like that, you might get hurt. Unless, you have Mad-Eye Moody's eyes.” He joked casually and you smiled sheepishly at him. 

Jeonghan was a good friend of yours; he was in your close friends circle and you thoroughly enjoyed his presence (as long as you weren’t the one getting pranked). He also happened to be smart and handsome, a plus point which made him a campus heartthrob. As you took in his appearance, you noticed he had grown out his hair a bit. A gentle wind blew against the two of you and his hair ruffled slightly, sunlight catching his face as he grinned at you.

And then, it struck you.

“What? What’s wrong?” He asked, as you stared at him, your mouth slightly open. “Don’t tell me there’s sauce on my face and Joshua didn’t tell me about it.”

That snapped you back to the present and you shook your head. “Er, no. Um, Jeonghan?” 

“Yeah?”

You knew for sure he had been invited to the same upscale party as you, but you had to make sure before asking him.

“You don’t have a significant other, do you? Or maybe a crush?”

Now it was time for him to stare at you.

“Uh…no? Where is this coming from?”

“Then do you want to date me?”

Jeonghan stared at you for a good few seconds, as though trying to find out if you were joking. Immediately you realised how sudden you sounded and quickly corrected yourself, while grabbing his arm to calm him down. “I mean, would you like to be my escort for Min Seolha’s party? That is, if you still don’t have anyone?”

“Oh.” Jeonghan laughed awkwardly, before patting your hand. “But you know, you are supposed to get a potential partner as your escort. I mean…”

His voice trailed off and you dropped your hand, feeling slightly embarrassed. You were a bit disappointed, but you could understand where he was coming from and you definitely did not want to pressurise him.

“Ah, of course I understand! Forget I asked. It’s just that, I don’t have anyone in my mind right now so I thought if anyone who was comfortable with me was willing to go-”

“I’m not uncomfortable with you!” He exclaimed, grabbing your hand. “I just- I just thought maybe you would want to go with someone you like. Or…yeah, damn. You are right. Even I don’t have anyone in mind and I definitely can’t find anyone in a week.”

“If it makes you too uncomfortable going with a friend, we can pretend to be a couple.”

The words were out of your mouth before you even thought about it but it was too late to take it back. Jeonghan looked taken aback and you were going to apologise to him once more but instead he nodded at your plan. 

“Oh yeah, that sounds like a good idea. It won’t even raise any odd questions.” 

You didn’t expect Jeonghan to agree to your plan so quickly, let alone the last part so all you could was a flustered laugh. This earned a soft smile from him as he asked you, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” You lied. “Don’t tell me later on it’s a prank, okay?”

His smile fell a little as he pouted at you, immediately causing you to wince at your words. “Hey, just because I cheat at games doesn’t mean I play with people’s emotions.” 

“I know, I know. I was just joking. You are an angel, Jeonghan.” It was true though. He was a very sweet friend and always took care of those around him. In fact at get-togethers, he was always the one who made sure everyone had enough food. He helped with notes or anything related to studies. You did know that he was a really nice person, except when he was trying to be a menace to the society.

“By the way, do we have any rules or something?” He asked.

“Rules?”

“We need to make this a little believable right? Or else people are going to easily realise that we just agreed to be each other's date because we couldn’t find anyone and honestly, that’s a bit embarrassing.” 

“Yeah.” You scratched your neck, not having thought this far. What he was saying was true, if this plan backfired you both could become a laughing stock and the last thing you need in your already full plate was another lecture from your parents.” “Yeah, I think we do.” 

“Then do you want to have lunch in my room?”

“It’s a good thing you got the dorm closest to the library.” You said sarcastically, as you entered his room and finally caught your breath. You collapsed onto his sofa, mentally cursing the building planner for putting the library near the entrance of the campus and some of the boys’ dormitories at the other end. Jeonghan flopped down beside you, equally out of breath despite doing this for quite some time now. 

“Hey, it could have been worse. I could have got an apartment outside the campus and who knows, we might have still been travelling by bus just to get to my place.”

“That’s true.” You grumbled. “But in that case, we would have just gone to my dorm.” 

“I’ll need a special pass to enter the girls’ dorm.” He groaned. “I wish our college wasn’t so strict for first years. Anyways, we should-”

“Hey, have you seen my shampoo?”

A new voice came into the living room and you turned towards it, just to find yourself staring at a half-naked Hong Joshua, standing in front of the bedroom door with just a towel around his torso. You felt your cheek burn as you took in his dripping torso, muscles flexing with almost the slightest movement. At first he hadn’t noticed you but then his eyes locked with yours, causing you to realise what you were doing.

But before you could even look away, you felt Jeonghan’s hands practically slam into your face, covering your eyes from the (amazing) sight you were staring at.

“Hey!” Jeonghan yelped, his voice an octave higher as he too sounded flustered by this. “Why did you come out without checking if anyone was even there? You heard her voice right?”

“I-I- I did not expect-” Joshua stammered and you interrupted him.

“I’m sorry!” You squeaked, still recovering. “I’m sorry that I looked!”

“Uh, no. I shouldn’t have- I should- Yeah, I should just go. Catch up with you guys later!”

Once you heard the bedroom door slam shut, Jeonghan removed his hand from your eyes. You looked at him and he still seemed shocked, and even a bit embarrassed.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” He muttered, clearing his throat as he poured out a cup of water for you. You took the cup from his hand with a small thank you, glad that you had something to cool yourself down.

“No. I’m sorry. I should have immediately looked away.”

“It was sudden.” Jeonghan said, as though understanding you completely. He still seemed unable to meet your eyes, and was busy rearranging the coasters kept on the coffee table in front of you, despite them being already arranged properly. Somehow looking at the Yoon Jeonghan like this set off the devilish side inside you. 

“Does Joshua work out everyday?” You asked casually.

“He does. Not only does he have a gym membership, he also has some stuff in his room.” Jeonghan replied, without missing a beat. He seemed to have regained his composure because he smiled at you and asked, “Why? having second thoughts about me and want to go for Joshua?”

“What?” You spluttered over your water, your time to be taken aback. “I- I would never-”

“Relax, I’m just joking. If you are with him, your ears might drop because of him singing ‘Sunday morning, rain is falling’. Who knows, he probably went back to get showered on because it’s not raining today. It is Sunday, after all.”

You stared at him, trying to make which part was real and which wasn’t. Even though his smile was genuine, you had fallen for his tricks quite a few times and you knew better not to trust that angelic smile. But having a proper one on one conversation with him made you realise how convincing he was.

“Er, let’s go back to why I came here. I think we should make some boundaries so that neither of us are uncomfortable with each other and also some points which might convince people we are dating.”

“Right.” Jeonghan said, magically conjuring up a paper and pen from somewhere. “So first of all, I think we should decide on pet names.”

You paused, trying to think of something plausible for him. For some reason, the very thought of having to call him baby or sweetheart in public was making you cringe (and you were sure he would too) so you thought of something that he won't mind being called and at the same time showed your closeness.

Before you could tell him your thoughts, the bedroom door opened once again and Joshua walked out (this time fully clothed and dry). He pulled a chair and sat himself opposite to both of you, giving you an awkward smile.

“Let me apologise again. I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable or something.” He said. You shook your head, before giving him your apology too.

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have stared.” Joshua nodded as though accepting your apology and then pointed at the paper in Jeonghan’s hand. “What are you both up to?”

“We are dating.”

“We are pretending to be a couple”

The two of you said it at the same time, and you felt dumb. You knew Jeonghan and Joshua were best friends but you didn’t expect Jeonghan to tell him this immediately. Letting out an awkward laughter at Joshua, you turned towards Jeonghan who was looking at you surprised.

“I’m sorry, was I not supposed to tell this?” He asked and you quietly grumbled. It wasn’t that you weren’t going to tell Seungkwan either, but you thought maybe it would be after you and Jeonghan had finalised everything and you had sorted your thoughts.

“Er, it’s fine.” You said hastily as Joshua got up to leave. “I think it’s better if you could help us too.” He smiled and sat down, looking excited as though the three of you were planning to pull the greatest prank of all time.

“Joshua’s an expert in this department.” Jeonghan said, and you turned to look at him. His eyes were practically shining as he smiled innocently at his roommate. Looking at him like this, you felt a smile tug at the corner of your lips, something infectious about his childishness.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s just exaggerating.” Joshua said, rolling his eyes. “You know how to flirt as much as I do.”

“Then what do you suggest I should call Y/N?”

“To be honest, I think it would be better if you just call her by her name.” Joshua said, actually thinking hard about it. “Your voice kind of goes soft when you are talking to your loved ones though, so maybe try that instead with Y/N’s name.” 

“Hey Joshua. People call you Josh, right?” You asked very seriously, leaning towards him a bit. He nodded and you continued. “Then should I call you Shua?”

“Hey! We are deciding pet names for each other! Not for you and Joshua!” Jeonghan protested, though he was laughing at your seriousness. Joshua laughed too and gave you a thumbs up, causing you to lean back into the couch, satisfied. 

Then turning towards Jeonghan you said, “Do you mind if I call you Hannie?” 

He cocked his head towards the side as his eyes widened a little. But this time he didn’t look surprised, instead he looked genuinely curious as to why you picked that name, silently urging you to go on.

You felt your cheeks tingle with heat a little at the way he was looking at you attentively, so you quickly took a sip of your water before continuing. “Well, like Joshua said you kind of speak softly with people you are very comfortable with. So I felt…Hannie suited you a lot. I think it’s soft enough to suit you.” You said sheepishly.

“I thought you were calling me Shua?” Joshua interrupted, an evil glint in his eyes. You immediately knew he was going to pull your leg so you decided to play along. “I was joking. I use pet names only for my beloved boyfriend.”

You stressed on the ‘beloved boyfriend’ part and looked at Jeonghan. He was busy scribbling something on the paper but when he heard you accentuate that part, he looked up, eyes flicking between you and Joshua as the whole room stared at him. He looked surprised (this seemed to be the only response you could get out of him today) but nonetheless when his eyes landed on yours, he smiled at you softly.

Sunlight glided into the room through their partially open balcony, throwing light on Jeonghan and giving him almost an angelic glow. His eyes curved into half moons as he smiled at you, his long hair falling in front of his eyes a little. For the first time you noticed how delicate his features were, like he was a beautiful statue but carved in glass. 

You felt your heart stutter a little and you frowned. Looking at the glass of water in your hand, you emptied it one go. Maybe you weren’t drinking enough water? It was afternoon and it had been quite some time since you left your dorm.

“Oh, sorry! I promised you lunch right?” Jeonghan exclaimed, thinking you drank all the water because you were hungry. Before you could respond, he had already gotten up, walking towards some sheafs of pamphlets kept on their tv cabinet. “You like braised chicken, don’t you?”

You blinked at him, surprised. “How did you know that?”

“You always order that when we all eat out.” Jeonghan stated causally. He began flipping all the pamphlets, then finding one particular restaurant’s, he took out his phone and dialled the number. Was Jeonghan always this attentive?

“What about you?” You asked Joshua. He got up and sat beside you. “Jeonghan knows what I usually order. So, can I ask you a question?”

Through the corner of your eyes you saw Jeonghan slip into his bedroom. “Sure, go ahead Shua.”

He grinned at you and leaned in closer, until you could smell the faint scent of his soap. You saw his eyes change to seriousness as his voice dropped a little before asking, “Can I ask why are you and Jeonghan doing this?”

“Oh.” It was out of your mouth before you could stop yourself. Here you thought he was going to either flirt with you or let you in on a serious secret about Jeonghan but instead he asked this. You laughed awkwardly to cover up your flusteredness. What are you thinking, Y/N? You are with Jeonghan now! This isn’t the time to think about his best friend and roommate! “Ah, it’s just that we need an escort to Min Seolah’s party next week so me and Jeonghan decided to pretend we are a couple just so that we can be each other’s escort.”

“Ah, then were you open to anyone you were comfortable with?”

“Yeah, as long as the other person too was comfortable with it. It kind of just popped out of my mouth, to be honest.”

He scrunched his nose a little, as though regretting something. “I wish I was there instead of Jeonghan then.”

You blinked at his words, trying to process what he had just said. Had the Hong Joshua said he wished it was him in a fake relationship with you? Sure the two of you were friends but still, it did nothing to stop the sudden whooping feeling in your stomach.

“Too bad it was me then.”

You turned to see Jeonghan leaning against his door frame, grinning at the two of you indicating that he was joking. Immediately you felt guilt clutch at your throat. You had roped Yoon Jeonghan into your proposition of dating but here you were now, flirting with his close friend. 

Joshua, on the other hand, seemed unfazed about it. If anything, he looked amused as he leaned back into the couch lazily, studying Jeonghan’s expression.

“Anyways, they’ll deliver in half an hour's time. Come on, Y/N. We’ve got a lot to discuss.”

“What else?” He was suddenly so serious that you were taken aback slightly. 

“We need to talk about physical touch and kissing too, of course.”

“Kissing?!” 

“So did you two discuss about kissing?” Kim Yeri, your roommate, asked as you threw your face into your pillow to muffle your scream.

“No, I ran out of there before we even got started on that topic. Talking about physical touch itself was so embarrassing, I thought I would die if we started talking about kissing. He’s so serious about it. Why did I even suggest such a thing?” 

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, bestie.” Yeri said comfortingly, patting your back.

“I mean, he’s so nice to me. I feel like…I feel like I’m using him or something.”

“Then don’t use him. Use this opportunity to…ah, you know, get a boyfriend.” You glared at the girl sitting on your bed and she winked at you, causing you to get up and smack her lightly with a pillow.

“No way! This is just an act! How shallow am I to fall for a man who agreed to pretend to be my boyfriend?”

Yeri shrugged, as though it wasn’t a big deal. “Happens all the time in movies. Besides, Yoon Jeonghan isn’t that bad, is he? He’s funny, friendly, handsome and smart. He’s so fucking pretty too. Everyone loves his jokes and pranks.”

“Yeah, as long as you aren’t the one getting pranked.” You muttered, eyes darting to your phone. He had told you to message him once you reached and you had done, but he still hadn’t even read it yet. You mulled Yeri’s thoughts in your head. She was right, Jeonghan was pretty. You had always known that but somehow seeing him against the sunlight made you see him in a different light. Quite Literally. 

“So when’s your next date?”

“It’s not a date…” You began, but stopped when Yeri raised an eyebrow at you. “Fine, we are just going shopping to buy some ‘couple’ things.”

“Sounds like a rather cute date to me.”

“Yeri!”

How the rest of the evening and the next day passed by quickly was shocking to you (you wished time passed this quickly during statistics class but no, time and you had to have a beef with time). You had let Seungkwan into your plan and he had also sworn that he wouldn’t tell it to anyone, even if he was being threatened with not being able to drink iced americano for an entire year (a threat you were highly tempted to try out but alas, you loved your best friend too much). But he was a committed best friend. Seungkwan had even written down some points to make your relationship more realistic and you had hastily stuffed it down your coat’s pocket, so that you could show it to Jeonghan later on.

Very soon, you found yourself and Jeonghan seated on the sofa of the high end boutique near to your college, waiting for the attendants to attend to you both. You were a regular customer here due to your trips with Yeri and even sometimes with Seungkwan, so the shop assistant knew you from before. They had greeted you with their usual friendly smile they always gave you, until their eyes landed on Jeonghan, travelling down to your entwined hands.

Jeonghan had insisted that the two of you hold hands when you enter the shop, saying that it would be a practice. At first you were a bit uncertain, but then he reminded you that it was ideal for your boyfriend to take you shopping, and that shop assistants did not gossip much. You were still not sure about it but nonetheless slipped your hand in his.

His bony fingers grasped your gently as he gave you a smile, pulling you into the boutique with him. Despite his hand being cold, you felt your fingers tingle underneath his touch, a sensation you kept feeling even after he had let go of your hand. 

The attendants looked a bit too elated as they ushered you and Jeonghan into a room, telling they’ll be right back to attend the two of you.

Presently, Jeonghan was bobbing his legs beside you, both of your knees brushing against each other slightly. He seemed unfazed by this and so should have been you, but for some reason this made you hyper aware of your both’s closeness. You could smell his cologne, making you realise you had never really gone shopping with another man who wasn’t, well, Seungkwan. 

It also made you wonder whether he had done this before with someone else. He looked so experienced, the way he just casually checked over some of the items displayed, as though he had a habit of buying what caught his eyes for his significant other.

“Have you done this before?” You asked, and he looked at you confused, blinking as though asking you to elaborate. “I mean,” you said after clearing your throat. For some reason you were feeling very awkward asking him this, almost feeling the heat tingle on your cheeks. “Have you gone on a date to the boutique to buy couple clothes?” 

“Ah, no. This is my first time actually.” He said with a soft smile. You felt relief settle in you as you automatically smiled back at him, before catching yourself. What are you doing? You screamed internally, wondering why Jeonghan was so soft with you. 

You realised that the way he smiled and the way he talked to you had always given you this mad urge to melt right then and there in front of him, as though you just couldn't bring yourself to be harsh with him. True, you had yelled at him a few times for cheating (quite blatantly at that) while playing games but it had always ended in laughter and giggles, as though you couldn’t stay angry at him for long.

He gave you the urge to stare at him for hours, studying and etching his features into your brain forever, as though he was a piece you would have to sculpt later on. It amazed you that no matter how many times you looked at him, you always found him beautiful as though it was the first time you had laid your eyes on him.

Your thoughts were interrupted by the shop assistant, asking what the two of you would like.

“Can we get clothes which complement each other? Like even subtly is fine for us.” Jeonghan asked.

Hell, he even had an amazing voice. He was so well mannered that you were sure if you had met Jeonghan at one of your parent’s parties instead, you would have fallen heads over heels with him. 

“Not matching couple clothes?”

“No. Something which complements each other would be better. What do you think, Y/N?”

To be honest, you thought that was a genius idea. In that way, you could even wear the dress after your ‘breakup’, without making things awkward. Leave it to Yoon Jeonghan to sort out everything just perfectly. 

“Yeah, I think that is a brilliant idea too. Oh, we also need to pick your suit and my dress for the party.” You reminded him.

“Do you want to choose for each other?”

“What?” The question had completely caught you off guard. Wasn’t picking dresses for each other something couples did? You both really didn’t need to act as a couple too much here, so why was he suggesting it?

“We don’t have to do it, if you are feeling awkward about it.” He said gently. If Yoon Jeonghan treated you sweetly one more time, you were sure you would start smiling at him like a fool constantly. Then his eyes lit up mischievously and he leaned in, as though about to tell you his biggest secret. “But I do have a great fashion choice.”

You let out a laugh at this, amused that that was what he had wanted to say. Smiling at him you shook your head, indicating that he could choose for you.

“What’s your favourite colour?” He asked, looking at dresses hanging on the hangers being rolled in front of the two of you. 

“I like pink. Or any light shade, actually.” 

“Then how’s this one?” He pointed at one of the pink gowns that had caught your eyes previously, and you nodded eagerly at him.

“I’ll try that out!” You said as you walked into the changing room, glad that both of your tastes had aligned well. Once you were done you stepped out, clearing your throat to get Jeonghan’s attention, who was busy on his phone. He looked up and froze for a second, before his eyes darted all over your figure, checking you out with his mouth slightly open.

You felt your cheeks flush at the way he was looking at you, the way he swallowed and then smiled at you gently. Your stomach fluttered at his action, unable to stop yourself from mirroring his smile. Jeonghan got up and walked over to you, grinning at you as he cocked his head towards the side slightly.

And for some reason, that action made you feel even more giddy.

“How do I look?” You asked, sounding breathless for some reason. Embarrassed, you tried to cover it up by pretending to be excited, and twirling in front of the mirror once to see for yourself.

“You look amazing. Like really, really beautiful.”

He sounded really genuine and you beamed at him, equally happy that both of you chose a dress that suited you very well. You had been called beautiful many times, mostly by men trying to flatter you or your father, but something about the way Jeonghan said it made you shy.

“Should we choose one for you?” You asked once you came back from the changing room, eyeing all the tuxedos that had been brought in now. Jeonghan nodded and you walked over to the rack, searching for one that would bring out his delicate features more beautifully.

“How about this one?” You asked, pointing at a white coloured one. It looked like a conductor’s tuxedo and you felt that it would really go well with his long hair. He nodded and went inside the changing room, while you sat down on the couch, waiting for him to return.

“Y/N?” Someone softly called you, and you looked up to see Jeonghan smiling at you, all dressed up in the outfit you had picked for him. He was just smiling, an expression he gave you quite often and honestly it shouldn’t have had much effect on you, it really shouldn’t. You should have just smiled back, complimented him, paid for your stuff and gone out to eat a round of ice cream that you had promised him.

But instead, it had a great effect on you.

Just Yoon Jeonghan standing there and smiling at you had a huge effect on you. It made time slow down as you felt your heart hammer loudly in your chest, squeezing painfully every now and then. If you hadn't been sitting down your knees might have given away, breath gone for a second as you admired for the millionth time how beautiful he was. 

Because he really was. He looked so handsome, so pretty and so- every adjective that you could think of but couldn’t really because of how goddamned ethereal he looked right now. It was like the suit was tailor made for just him. He looked like a prince straight out from your dreams and it took you all your willpower to stop fluttering in your heart.

Realising you were staring at him for too long, you looked away immediately, releasing a breath you didn’t know you had been holding. Your cheeks burned in shame at the effect he had on you, despite it being just the second time you had hung out with him after deciding to fake your relationship. 

You had known him for quite some time, it wasn’t like the two of you had become friends just yesterday. 

And yet, you felt like you were ‘rediscovering’ Jeonghan. Like his smile for example. Even though you knew he was pretty, nothing prepared you ever for the sudden flutters in your heart everytime he smiled at you. Or the way he smelled a bit too good, when he had come to pick you up earlier, like he had just stepped out of the shower.

“Y/N?” Jeonghan called you, jostling back to the present. His usual angelic smile was now replaced by a smirk, and you groaned internally and cursed yourself for digging up your own grave. Why did you have to stare at him like that? “Do I look so good that I left you speechless?”

“Shut up, Yoon. You look fine.” You emphasised on the ‘fine’, rolling your eyes so that he got your message but that just caused him to grin at you more.

Nope. Nope. There was no way you were developing feelings for Yoon Jeonghan. Definitely not after you knew how sinister he was and definitely not after you asked him to be your fake boyfriend. You didn’t want to inflate his ego by making him think that he could make you fall for him by just literally breathing, all the while he played the act of being your fake date.

Slowly you got up from your seat and walked past him casually, letting the shop owner know that you were ready to pay. 

You were determined to not let Jeonghan’s presence shake you. It’s just for a week, Y/N. After that the two of you can just go back to being friends and this stupid crush you might be developing will go away.

What you didn’t though, was that you were bad at predicting the future. Vey, very bad.

“Hey, I think both Joshua and Jeonghan have a thing for you. Ever considered being in a poly relationship?” Seungkwan whispered into your ears not-so-subtly.

You glared at him for this scandalous comment before quickly glancing at Jeonghan and Joshua sitting opposite to the two of you. Luckily, they both were busy with their midterm project and were discussing something while comparing notes on their laptops.

The promised ice cream ‘date’ of three days ago had to be cancelled because it had begun raining all of a sudden and neither of you wanted to get wetter than what you were when you ran into the bus stand. So you had promised to take him to the little cafe inside your campus instead, and Joshua and Seungkwan decided to tag along to act as ‘chaperones’, though you weren’t sure what they were chaperoning because both you and Jeonghan had lots of assignments left and had been planning to do your own work.

“Shut up, Boo!” You hissed, never wanting to murder your best friend more than right now. “What if they heard you?”

“What about it? Both of them know that everyone wants to have a threesome with them.”

“Have a threesome with whom?”

You turned to Joshua in horror, feeling embarrassment creep into your cheeks as he eagerly looked between the two of you. Jeonghan on the other hand looked surprised, as though not even sure what the conversation was about.

“Have a threesome with whom? Us?” Joshua asked again, his smile a bit too excited for his own good. You thought he would be uncomfortable with it but instead he looked excited about this conversation, causing you to groan as you buried your face in your hand.

“Stop acting like you don’t know! Don’t rub it on me that the two of you are more handsome than me!” Seungkwan sulked, giving his signature side eye to Joshua. But that just caused Joshua to smile more brightly at him, as though Seungkwan’s misery was his pleasure (which it probably was).

“I’m not rubbing it on you! I might be handsome but there’s no one cuter than you, Seungkwan. Right, Y/N?” You faked a look of disgust and pretended to puke over your drink. Though you wouldn’t admit it out loud, but you were even willing a fight a lion if it disagreed that your best friend was adorable and handsome (you dearly hoped it wouldn’t come down to that situation. The last time all of you went to the zoo, Minghao and Jihoon nearly pushed Soonyoung into the tiger’s den for claiming to be one so you learnt that whatever you told, your friends would try their level best to make it come true).

“Are you two flirting? Is this a double date?” Jeonghan asked, head turning between Joshua and Seungkwan as though he was watching a tennis match. 

“No way, I’m only going to date the person who calls me Shua, no one else.” 

Your eyes widened at his statement and you gulped in a huge amount of your drink, causing you to choke and violently cough. While Seungkwan and Joshua just laughed at you (you were literally dying and of course that would be the immediate response of the people you called friends), Jeonghan looked worriedly at you and reached out to gently pat your hand. You felt your breathing slowly ease down due to his action, and he grabbed your hand in his to gently rub circles with his thumb.

It was a rather small act from a friend who just cared about you. Nothing romantic or intimate at all, and yet you felt a warm fuzzy feeling grow at your heart. He smiled at you gently when you had completely stopped coughing, pouring a cup of water and handing it to you.

You were grateful for the drink and you took in a sip cautiously, your mind still wandering to the now disappearing feeling in your chest. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by the waitress who came to your table, and you recognised her as someone you might have seen talking to your Applied Physics - I professor. She gave you, Seungkwan and Joshua a half-assed smile, but when her eyes landed on Jeonghan, she smiled at him in the most glamorous way ever.

“So what can I get you guys now?” She asked. Miyeon, as her name tag stated, was clearly talking to the entire table yet her eyes were trained only on Jeonghan. You saw him return her smile politely, and you felt your insides churn a little.

Because it was the same smile he always gave you. The same goddamn smile that had you feeling that you were on cloud nine, that made you shy and that same smile that made you feel special.

So he wasn’t doing it just for you? 

You never thought you would ever be jealous over something this trivial. You didn’t even like him in that way and yet, you could almost feel the disappointment clutching at your heart almost a bit too tightly.

It then hit you that the only expression Jeonghan had given you so far was either his look of surprise or a smile, but nothing more than that. Whenever he was hanging out with the entire gang or even now when it was just Joshua, you and Seungkwan, he had been laughing and cracking lots of jokes. But when he was with you all alone, all he did was smile and give you compliments, as though the two of you had just met due to a blind date set up by your parents. 

Did you make Jeonghan that uncomfortable? Was he too nice to say no to your idea back then?

But the Jeonghan you knew wasn’t a pushover, so he must have thought about it a bit before agreeing, right? You are just overthinking everything. You chided yourself. 

Your further thoughts were all stopped when you noticed everyone at the table staring at you. 

“Your order?” Miyeon asked, annoyance evident in her voice.

“Er, I would like to have your Special Strawberry Jam Sandwich. And another cup of coffee please.”

“Got it.” Then turning back towards Jeonghan, she said, “So that’s your order too? Not your regular?”

Jeonghan nodded as the word regular whirled in your brain. He visited this cafe often? Had he- had he lied to you then?

The rest of the meal passed by in a blur, with the three boys doing the most of the talking. You joined in once or twice but mostly stayed to yourself, contemplating hard on what to do next.

It wasn’t that you were crushing on Jeonghan and that was making you sad. It was more like you didn’t want him to feel extremely uncomfortable around you, seeing how he had clearly lied to you about the cafe and treated you just the way he treated any other person on the street.

Soon it was time to leave and the four of you walked out of the cafe. But before you could part ways with the boys, Jeonghan grabbed your arm and stopped you.

“I want to talk to you.” He said and you nodded, realising that it would be better if even you got all your questions cleared up. Through the corner of your eyes you saw Seungkwan take out his phone and hastily type down something, and felt your phone vibrate almost immediately after he hit the send button.

Taking out your phone you checked his message, feeling a smile tug at the corner of your lips. 

[uriboo]: if yoon jeonghan tries anything funny, just send sos. no matter where i am, i’ll kick his ass using my special kick reserved for soonyoung only.

You gave him a thumbs up and waved him goodbye, watching Joshua and Seungkwan’s retreating figures disappear round the corner. It was almost evening by now and the sky had turned a light shade of orangish pink. You stared it for some time until you felt Jeonghan tug you once more.

“Come on. Let’s talk there.” He asked, pointing at one of the benches farther away from the walking path. “No one will hear us there.” You nodded and followed him, sitting down beside him. A few moments passed as the two of you just watched students walk by, neither of you taking the lead to start the conversation.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked after some time, and you turned to look at him dryly.

“I’m…fine. Okay, I guess. Just a bit tired.”

“No…what’s wrong? Did someone say something? Did I hurt you?”

There he went again.

You turned to glare at him but the look of concern on his face was enough to stop you. He looked really worried for you, and even reached out to grab your hand and give it a squeeze. You gulped to stop the way your heart fluttered at his actions, reminding yourself of what you had to ask him.

“Why…why did you lie to me?” You asked, swallowing thickly once more so that you didn’t sound hurt. But your voice still sounded strangled, and if Jeonghan had noticed it, he didn’t show it.

“Are you talking about the cafe?” He asked gently, and you nodded slowly.

“When I said I would take you out to a new place and mentioned its name too, you didn’t tell me you already went there. The waitress mentioned that you were a regular there!” It almost sounded like you were whining by this point.

Jeonghan blinked at you once, twice and then burst out laughing. “Is that what is bothering you?”

Pulling your hand away from his, you swatted his arm lightly, feeling hurt at his reaction. “It’s not funny! I literally gushed to you about the strawberry sandwich, saying that if you tried it you would forget every other sandwich when you had probably tried it a million times before. Do you know how embarrassing it is? It's so embarrassing that I bragged about something you already knew, it makes me look like a show off.”

“Ah, but I had never actually tried the strawberry sandwich before.” He said, taking your hand in his again. “I really had never tried it before, which is why I didn’t say anything. Besides, you looked so cute when you were talking about the cafe and I really didn’t want you to stop.”

You froze a little, taken aback by his last statement. Quickly, you tried to change the subject, hoping he wouldn’t notice the sudden heat forming on your cheeks.

“I-I- Okay. I-I have a few more questions to ask, if you don’t mind. Or…you can go first about whatever you wanted to talk about.”

“Go ahead. I finished asking mine. I just wanted to know what’s wrong with you.” 

“Oh.” So it was the typical Jeonghan-cares-for-you question. “Er, are you and the waitress close? Um, what’s her name? Miyeon?”

“Not that close.” He replied nonchalantly. “She had helped me with some physics homework once, that’s all. And oh, also because I visit the cafe regularly.”

“I think she likes you.”

“Yeah me too.” He smirked when you stared at him. “Jealous?”

“Jealous of whom? You?” You countered back, keeping your expression as neutral as you could. You weren’t, couldn’t be jealous and you weren’t going to show him that you were either. He laughed at your comeback and you felt yourself smile, feeling pleased that he had enjoyed your retort. 

“Point. Miyeon is pretty. But just so you know, she had asked me today whether I could hang out with her sometime later.”

“When did this happen? What did you say?” Even though you knew Jeonghan probably said yes, you still wanted to hear the answer from him.

“I said you were my girlfriend, what else? It happened when you had gone to the bathroom and she got the bill to the table. She then even asked why were you sitting beside Seungkwan if you were my girlfriend.”

“And what did you guys say then?”

“Seungkwan said ‘bros before hoes’.”

You rolled your eyes, questioning yourself why you even thought your best friend might have given a smart answer. “Of course he did. Can I ask you one more question?”

“You are asking an awful lot of questions, aren’t you?” He smiled at you, his eyes glinting in a teasing manner.

“It’s the last one! Please, Hannie?”

It was the first time you were using the nickname and you could swear you saw him tense for a fraction of a second. Then it was gone as soon as it had come. Instead, he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, indicating you to go. You had almost forgotten that the two of you were still holding hands, and this squeeze seemed to suddenly liven the atmosphere around the two of you, as though reminding you of his presence.

“Do you…find it uncomfortable to be with me?”

His smile faltered, clearly caught off guard by your question.

“I mean, do I make you feel uncomfortable? Like…did you say yes to being my boyfriend just because you didn’t want to refuse me and make me feel bad or-”

“Why would I do that? Shit, do I act like that around you? You aren’t someone new Y/N. You have been my friend for quite some time. Why would I feel uncomfortable around you? And I didn’t say yes because I felt bad for you. We both needed escorts and that’s why I said yes.”

“Then why do you act so differently when you are around me?” You asked, releasing your hand from his grasp. “Like, like you always look like you are enjoying yourself when we are with our friends but whenever it's just the two of us, you act just so sweet and nice. That’s about it. Just- just sweet and nice. Like how you are to Miyeon.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, as though thinking before answering your question.

“It’s not that I don’t like you Y/N. And I definitely didn’t say yes because I thought you were pathetic or something. Really. It’s just that…I don’t know how this works either.”

“How does what work?” You asked, your voice much softer than you expected. Jeonghan leaned in to you a bit closer, and for the first time you saw him beyond the smiles and jokes he made. He looked tired, really tired as though this act was wearing him out too.

“I-I’m not sure what kind of boyfriend you want. I’m not sure whether I should treat you like a friend and crack jokes about the most useless thing or treat you like a princess like your boyfriend probably would. I don’t know how much to step out of the line of being friends. I don’t know what is the line that oversteps from fake boyfriend to real boyfriend. I…just don’t know what to do most of the time.”

This time, you took his hand in yours, giving them a gentle squeeze. He looked up at you and you smiled softly at him, trying to ease down all the pressure he had been feeling for the past few days. 

You were such an idiot. How could you expect him to act normally when you had just dumped a huge burden over his shoulder?

“Jeonghan…it’s okay. You are doing great, you know that? And sometimes, when I look at you, I wish I could be more like you. You don’t need to treat me as your girlfriend, really. Like I said, I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable. Just treat me as a friend, okay? And if you ever want to stop, just tell me. I’ll always be there for you.”

He gulped and nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact even once. Your heart gave a painful squeeze when he still didn’t look away, all of a sudden feeling that your entire surrounding had melted away.

You could only feel his soft gaze on you, almost feeling raw and exposed and yet, even you couldn’t look away.

“I would never leave you.” Jeonghan whispered, almost mumbling as he finally tore away his gaze. 

“Why? Is this arrangement proving to be useful to you too?” You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah it did help me escape from Miyeon.”

“So I’m your scapegoat now?” You asked scandalously, letting go of your hands so that you could grab him by the shoulder and glare properly. He grinned at you, back to his playful nature. You felt your heart swell by the way he giggled, the infectious laughter causing you to smile too despite trying to sound mad at him.

“Hey, aren’t friends supposed to protect each other like that?”

“Not- not- I- okay whatever!”

“Er, do you see Seungkwan?” You asked Yeri, eyes scanning the crowd for your best friend. The loud noise from the booming speaker was making it almost impossible to hear your roommate, so you turned to her, only to find yourself standing alone in a crowd of drunk bodies. You groaned internally as Yeri was your designated driver today, and you prayed that wherever she went, she wouldn't end up drunk like she had last time.

Byun Baekhyun, a senior known for his loudness and great ambition to wreck chaos wherever he went had decided to throw a party for the first years as a celebration for completing the first term without losing their sanity (which was clearly a lie; you were close to losing your mind). 

“How am I supposed to find anyone- Hey! Yuna!” Grabbing the hands of the said girl, you felt familiarity rush in when she turned to you and gave you a smile.

“Hey, Y/N. You look great. Dressed up for someone special?”

“As if. Have you seen Seungkwan anywhere? I just can’t find him.”

At this she snickered. “Seungkwan? Are you sure you are searching for him?”

You frowned at her. When she saw that you didn’t understand what she was indicating, she smiled at you and beckoned you to come closer. “Are you sure,” she whispered in your ear, the slight smell of alcohol wafting to your nose, “you aren’t looking for Jeonghan?”

You drew back from her sharply, all of a sudden feeling hot. How does she know? Does word travel that fast? Of course it does. When Yuna saw that you didn’t say anything, she let out a laugh and patted your shoulder before pointing at the corner.

Giving her a tight lipped smile, you followed the direction of her finger though you weren’t really sure whether she had pointed to Seungkwan or Jeonghan.

“Thank god!” You exhaled, when you saw Seungkwan and Chan sitting on a couch in the corner of the room, and you quickly slipped in between them. 

“Thank God for what?” Seungkwan asked.

“Nothing. Yuna’s drunk. Where are the others?” You asked, taking a sip of the solo cup Seungkwan had just handed you. You found it odd that it was just Seungkwan, Chan and you here because usually your entire gang of friends used to stick together to have fun at parties.

“Ah, that.” Chan snickered. “Your boyfriend might or might not have caused a little bit of a problem.”

“What? What happened?” You asked, turning your head to look at Seungkwan and Chan alternatively. To say you weren’t concerned would be a lie. And it was definitely not because Jeonghan was your faux boyfriend.

“Er, so Jeonghan might or might not have got his toy sword and wooden hammer with him to the party-” Seungkwan began.

“He got what?”

“You know, his toy sword-”

“I knew about his toy sword but not his wooden hammer.”

“It's for self defence against bad guys at night, apparently.” Chan added, causing you to groan. 

“What happened then?”

“I think someone made some comment about you and he decided as your boyfriend, mind you the entire college knows now, he had to defend your honour. He even gave the opponent his wooden hammer because he wasn’t armed.” Seungkwan finished, calmingly taking a sip of his drink like it was completely natural for Jeonghan to fight for your honour.

You looked at Chan incredulously and he too had the same expression. “He’s joking right?”

“Jeonghan was drunk. Like really, really drunk when it started.”

“How did he get this drunk so quickly?”

“Sweetheart, the party started an hour ago. Not everyone remembers their incomplete inorganic homework five minutes before leaving.” Seungkwan stated, causing you to glare at him.

“So where are the others?”

“Well, the challenge was made just before you came and Jeonghan went upstairs to ‘duel’. Seungcheol, Mingyu, Minghao and  Seokmin followed him upstairs to stop him while the rest followed him to egg on him.”

Chan got up, followed by you and Seungkwan. “We were just waiting for you. I bet your lover boy is dying to see your face.”

“Shut up Chan.” Your face was practically burning by now. But this was what you had wanted, right? To make everyone think you both were a couple? “Please tell me we are going upstairs so that both of you can join the team that stops him and not eggs on him?”

Seungkwan gave you a dirty look. “How low do you think we are? Of course we are going to egg him on.”

“Fucking hate you all.”

Luckily, upstairs wasn’t that crowded but it still took the three of you some pushing around to reach the centre. The scene that met your eyes nearly turned you blood cold. The other guy, you recognised him as a senior from your major, had Jeonghan on his knees as he gripped his shirt collar. He was yelling profanities at Jeonghan, but he was too out to even listen to him. You saw that his lip had split open and his right eye looked bruised.

“Why aren't you stopping him?” You hissed to Seungcheol. You noticed that even though all your friends were there, none of them were cheering for the fight to continue. In fact, they all looked scared now

.

“We can’t. He’s a senior and he said- he said if we stop him then he’s going to hurt Jeonghan more!” Seungcheol himself looked terrified and you gritted your teeth angrily. It was true. If a senior ragged you, there was nothing you could do except accept your fate.

You heard the sound of flesh hitting flesh; loud, and both you and Seungcheol turned to see Jeonghan on the floor, the senior’s hand balled in a fist. At that moment, something snapped inside you and you found yourself walking towards him.

“Y/N, wait-” Seungkwan began worriedly but it was too late. Everything happened so fast but all you vaguely remembered was yanking the senior by hair and landing a slap on his cheeks. Since he was drunk that slap was enough to cause him to lose his balance, and you just shoved him into the ground.

Turning around, you picked up Jeonghan’s sword and hammer before turning to the groaning boy. Gently tugging one arm over your shoulder, you tried pulling him up. It was a bit hard, considering he was drunk and hurt and using you completely as support, but then his weight lightened on you and you turned to see Joshua slinging his other arm around his neck.

“Let me help you.” He muttered. The crowd parted away easily and before you knew it, the three of you were outside. It was a bit hard dragging Jeonghan all the way to the dorm and the only reason you managed to do it was because Joshua was bearing his maximum weight. 

Finally, you reached their room and pulled Jeonghan onto his bed. The two of you sat down beside him, trying to catch your breaths. Glancing at Jeonghan’s resting figure, you felt your heart clench painfully. 

Moonlight streamed into the room, lighting up his face in an almost angelic glow and yet the blows he had received were painfully visible.

“Thank you.” You heard Joshua mutter, and you looked up at him. He too was looking at Jeonghan sadly, as though he had been punched too. Then he looked at you and gave you a soft smile. “Thank you for stepping up.”

“It’s nothing.” You huffed. “I just did what I had to do for a friend. I’m not blaming you guys though!”

“Still. It was a really brave thing to do. But are you sure about that?”

“About what?”

Joshua leaned in until your faces were just a few inches apart. You tried backing away but the headboard hit you and you were left with no space to move. He smirked at you before speaking. 

“Are you sure about Jeonghan being, you know, just a friend?”

You stared at him with your mouth slightly open, slowly thinking of what he had said.

Jeonghan was a friend, right? You had come in terms with him a few days ago and had convinced yourself that he was a friend. You would step into a fight for any of your friends, right?

A groan from beside you interrupted your thoughts and both of you turned to see Jeonghan staring at you with half opened eyes. 

“Y/N.” He whispered your name with a small smile, wincing almost immediately when the cut on his lips stung. His eyes travelled along your body before it landed on Joshua. He frowned at the said man, as though trying to comprehend something.

“Joshua.”

“Nice to meet you too.”

He blinked several times before staring at something between the two of you. Then he tried getting up by propping up his elbows which gave away immediately, causing his head to land on your lap instead. You stiffened at the closeness but figured he was too drunk and hurt to even overthink this situation.

“Why are you two always so close? Everytime I’m gone, the two of you are almost always together.” He sounded almost hurt. You tried making sense of what he meant by that but Joshua just laughed.

Getting up, he said, “I’ll leave the two of you alone. If he tries something, call me. I’ll be in my bedroom. Oh also, try thinking about what I told you before.” Giving you a wink, he exited the room, closing the door behind him.

“What did he tell you?” Jeonghan asked, turning on your lap so that he was facing you now. His hair was sticking to his forehead due to the sweat, the jet black colour appearing almost dark blue under the moonlight. You hissed when you saw his wounds up close, gently brushing his hair away from his face.

He caught your wrist as his eyes fluttered open, staring at you before repeating his question. “What did Joshua tell?”

“Nothing, you idiot. Jeonghan, why the hell did you get into a fight? Do you know where you keep your medicines? I’ll get them-”

“No.” His grip on your hand tightened as he brought it over his chest, clasping it with his both hands now. “He made fun of you.”

Maybe it was the way he said it with so much hurt in his voice or maybe it was the way he looked like a prince underneath the moonlight, but you felt your breath catch your throat. Your heart gave a painful squeeze and then stuttered, as you watched his gentle features stare back at you softly.

It felt like time had stopped as you stared at Yoon Jeonghan lying on your lap, realising how beautiful he was. And no, it wasn’t like the other times you had realised it. This time, it felt painful, as though he had sucked out all your breath and had caused your heart to swell with this overwhelming emotion. 

It made you feel good, and you felt yourself craving for that feeling more.

“That doesn’t mean you’ll get into a fight with everyone. Look how hurt you are, Hannie.” You whispered softly. To be honest you weren’t sure why you were whispering, but as you gently stroked his hair with your free hand, it felt right talking to him softly.

He let out a harsh breath as he slowly raised on hand towards your face, causing you to freeze. You felt his fingers ghost your lips, and you almost leaned in to feel his touch. You felt your stomach lurch when your eyes met his, that feeling in your heart growing stronger as he refused to touch you yet.

“Love it when you call me that.” His voice had dropped an octave, and you nearly let out a squeak at his sudden sultry voice. Finally, you felt his long slender fingers grasp at your chin and his thumb brushed against your lips, giving you the contact your body was almost burning for. Your eyes fluttered close as he gently ran his thumb over your lips. “Love it so much I would give up ‘most everything to get you to call me that.”

You are drunk. He’s even more drunk. What do you think you are doing?

Your eyes snapped open at that realisation and you jerked away from his touch, his hand just falling limply to his side.

“We are drunk, Han- Jeonghan. We shouldn’t- I shouldn’t be doing this to you.” You told him as softly as you could, gently sliding his head off your lap onto the pillow. He had fallen asleep and now the only sound in the room that could be heard was his breathing; and the abnormally loud hammering of your heart. 

Slowly, you covered him with his blanket and kept his toy sword and hammer beside him before you snuck out of his room. Then closing the door behind you, you rested your back against it, taking a moment to catch your breath and calm down your racing heart.

If you weren’t sure about it before, you definitely were now. It was glaringly obvious to you, no matter how much you tried to push your feelings away.

You were in love with Yoon Jeonghan. 

It’s fine. You thought to yourself. I just need to pretend I don’t have feelings for him until tomorrow. Once we go about our own ways, I can bawl my eyes out to Seungkwan.

“Miss?” The maid asked cautiously, and you looked at her annoyed, silently asking her to go on. “Your escort, Mr. Yoon, is here.” 

Wordlessly you got up, glancing at the mirror one last time to check your gloves and hair. Annoyance creeped into your features when you realised it didn’t even matter actually. Then you walked out of your house, making sure you shut the door behind you with a bang.

Walking out into the garden of your parent’s manor, you saw Jeonghan waiting for you, leaning against the limousine. His face broke into a grin when he saw you approaching, but it faltered when he realised you weren’t exactly smiling back at him.

“Hey.” He said, as he opened the door for you to enter.

“Hi.” You said curtly, bunching up your gown in the most careless manner and getting in the car, shutting the door before he could. He wordlessly got in through the other side, indicating the chauffeur to start.

A few minutes of silence passed before he spoke.

“Is…something wrong?”

You turned to glare at him, expecting him to look annoyed at your annoying attitude. Or even confused. But instead, he looked concerned.

Immediately you felt bad at being angry at him for something he didn’t even do. 

No. It wasn’t that you felt bad, it was more like his worried look had thrown you off your anger, feeling tears sting your eyes instead now.

“You can tell me about it. Or you don’t have to. But I’m all ears, anytime you need me.” Gently, he took your hands in his and gave it a squeeze, smiling at you softly. 

“I- Just- You look good today.” You choked out, trying to change the subject without looking too pathetic in front of him. How down bad were you for him that one worried glance caused you to break the dam of emotion that had been building up since morning.

But it was true. He did look good. The suit made him look more ethereal, and it did nothing to stop your heart from accelerating at that speed. 

His lips pulled into a smile, You noticed that his lips had almost healed, and the cut couldn’t really be seen unless you stared at it (which you definitely weren’t; because why would you stare at him?) 

“What can I say? I’m so pretty that I look good at everything.”

“Or I have a great choice of clothing.”

Jeonghan laughed and counter argued, but you were too busy staring at the way he laughed to listen to his banter. The way he displayed his teeth every time he smiled and the way his eyes crinkled at the corner when he laughed seemed to be pulling at your heartstrings. And the fact that he was gently rubbing circles on your hand with his thumb, sending electricity through your arm.

“I could help lighten whatever’s causing a frown on that pretty face of yours.”

His flirty comment brought you back to the present, quickly turning your head away to stare at the buildings speeding past the two of you instead. You felt the bitterness come back but it was much less than before as Jeonghan had helped you feel much light hearted.

“You’ll see once you reach there.” You muttered, and through the corner of your eyes you saw Jeonghan nod. The car came to a halt in front of a mansion, indicating that you had arrived at your destination.

“Y/N this is your last chance.” Jeonghan said. You blinked at him in confusion. “This is your last chance to change your partner to Joshua.”

Suppressing the laughter threatening to escape from you, you pretended to think. “Well…so far it’s still a no. But if I see Shua looks more handsome than you…then well, I can’t guarantee you I’ll be sleeping with you tonight.”

There was a rule of elite parties that required couples to sleep in for the night, which was why you had wanted to choose a familiar face in the first place.

Jeonghan pouted at you and you laughed, but immediately caught yourself when you felt your heart flutter. You couldn’t let this feeling grow. The two of you were just actors in a play and actors could never fall in love with each other.

Two of you walked over to your assigned room and only then did you let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding. You had met just a few people on your way here and the two of you had responded to all of them with small smiles, and you were greatly aware of Jeonghan’s arm around your waist.

“What do you want to do now?” Jeonghan, already lying down on the double bed. You narrowed your eyes as he kicked off his shoes and wrapped the blanket around himself. “What?” He asked when he saw you. “I’m tired, okay? Just wake me up half an hour before the party starts so that I can look a bit more presentable.”

“Okay? I, uh, I’m just going to look around, okay?” Saying that, you switched off the light for him and slipped out, wondering where you should go next. You vaguely remembered a fountain in one of the gardens from the one time you had come here with your parents and decided to search for it.

It took you some time but eventually (after a lot of checking through balconies whether it was the correct side of the garden) you managed to find it. But as you reached there, you saw someone already seated on its edges. You couldn't make out who it was, so you decided to leave. You stopped on your tracks and took a step back, only to step on a twig.

The twig snapped with a loud thwack! which was heard loud and clear in the silent garden. The boy sitting turned to look at you, his expression changing from shock to happiness as he recognised you.

“Y/N.” Joshua greeted you, patting at the stone beside him. “Come and join me.”

Knowing you were trapped, you had no other option but to go and sit down beside him. Not that you didn’t like his companion but you really didn’t want to lash out your anger at another innocent soul.

“Hi.”

“You look pretty.” Joshua commented, to which you just smiled. The words that he had told you yesterday seemed to ring in your head now. Did he mean this? About your feelings towards Jeonghan?

“Joshua?” You asked, clearing your throat. “Yesterday…what did you mean by that?”

“It’s no fun if I tell you. Did you think about it?” The familiar mischievous glint was back in his eyes. 

“I did…a little.”

“Then you know what I’m talking about-”

“I don’t like him.” You cut him off and then upon seeing his amused look, you added, “Not in that way. He’s just a friend who agreed to help me. I don’t have feelings for him at all.” 

“Well…everyone can tell you both are perfect for each other. No one even doubts for a second that the two of you aren’t.”

You just sighed, fluttering your eyes close as you let the night breeze calm you down a little. It’s okay. You thought to yourself. Everything will be okay once he isn’t pretending to be your boyfriend anymore. Once he is gone, these feelings would go too.

Yes. That was it. Maybe you were too immersed in your role of pretending and had let your emotions take control of you. Maybe you had thought that pretending to have feelings for him would make this much easier on both of you.

A small part of you kept screaming that lying to yourself won’t change this situation, but that didn’t stop you from saying your next line as you opened your eyes to look at the man sitting next to you with a smile.

“There’s nothing between the two of us. We are just…tryna do what lovers do.” 

You remembered how Jeonghan had used you as a scapegoat to turn down Miyeon. Yes, that was the main purpose, wasn’t it? This whole relationship was built on a lie, just meant to be used and thrown for such situations.

“Joshua? Y/N?”

You froze at the familiar voice and judging from Joshua's expression, even he wasn’t expecting it. You turned back to see Jeonghan looking at the two of you. He was smiling but there was something off about it. 

Joshua got up and walked up to him, before leaning in to whisper something in Jeonghan’s ear. Then waving you a goodbye, he walked off, leaving you and Jeonghan all alone. Jeonghan came and sat down beside you, though he maintained a little distance.

“Did you- did you overhear our conversation?” You asked, confused at this sudden change in behaviour.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “What’s there to overhear? I already know that. I already know that we are doing this for show.” He spoke curtly and you frowned.

Did you hurt him by any chance? But what you said was the truth, right?

“Are you okay? Did I say something?”

He let out a hollow laugh, before forcing a smile at you. “No, it’s not you. It’s all my fault really. It’s all my fault that this is happening and I’m sorry about it.”

“Jeonghan, you are acting weird.”

“Says the one who wouldn’t explain why she’s been mad the entire evening.”

“It’s my parents, okay?” You snapped, getting up and standing in front of him. He seemed taken aback by this sudden outburst but at this point, you really didn’t care. “They aren’t even coming today! All this drama I went through, all this stupid worry I had in my head at the end of the day meant nothing! I only agreed to come to this party because my parents would have been there but of course they decided to go to Switzerland today itself without telling me! 

I wouldn’t have even bothered asking you to be my escort if it weren’t for them. We would have been leading our own lives quietly but now I'm in this mess with you because of this stupid party! It’s so hard to play pretend that sometimes I just wish you would disappear!”

The last line slipped out of your mouth before you had even realised and you only stopped yourself when you saw Jeonghan’s expression.

You had stepped out of the line.

“I- I- Okay, I didn’t mean you to disappear! I mean, not because of that.”

Jeonghan wordlessly got up, his face all of a sudden so cold that you almost could hear your heart break. How could you do this? How could you do this to him? His eyes which usually used to hold a million emotions that you would associate with happiness were now empty as they stared back at you with contempt.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it almost immediately, as though figuring out it was better to keep quiet than argue with you.

“I see. Well, I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable Y/N. I’ll leave for now but don’t worry, I’ll still pretend to be your escort for today. And then you don’t need to hang out with me that much in college. A week later, or wherever you feel like you don’t need me at all, we’ll just break up. Okay? I’m sorry for everything. Like I said, it’s all my fault.”

With that he walked away from you, your attempt to grab his sleeves fruitless.

“Jeonghan, wait! I didn’t mean it like that!” You yelled after him, but he didn’t look back at you even once. “I’m sorry, Jeonghan! I really am!”

You felt tears sliding down your cheeks as the frustration that had been building up finally broke through you. 

“Yoon Jeonghan! Do you even remember what happened yesterday?”

At this he stopped and turned back to you. His mouth fell open at your teary face but he didn’t take a single step to approach you.

“I’m asking you! Do you even remember what happened yesterday?”

He looked unsure how to answer that. After a while, he took a gulp and replied a soft ‘no’.

You closed your eyes, feeling the tears continue to flow. 

It hurt. It hurt so much that you wished your heart would stop beating. Maybe then, you would stop loving Jeonghan. Maybe then you would be able to move on from this relationship easily.

“What happened? Did I do-”

“Just leave, Hannie. Just leave.”

You saw him wince when you called him that but by now you were too tired to care, opting to sink onto the ground instead of dealing with what was in front of you. 

It had been a week. Exactly a week without texts, a week without meeting up with Jeonghan unless it was your entire friend group, a week without holding hands and a week until you finally called him.

You had thought that maybe doing all of this would completely remove him from your head, that it would be much easier to move on by pretending that your feelings were because of being so close to him.

But if anything, your love for Yoon Jeonghan had seemed to grow. He was the only thing in your mind constantly as you thought about his antics and jokes. You missed his smile and the way he would hold your hands gently. You missed everything about Jeonghan but there was nothing you could do about it, especially not after how the two of you had very obviously fucked up your friendship (neither of you had even attended the party after that; the two of you just claimed that you were tired and left).

Not that anyone even noticed. Everyone still thought you two were a couple, and it took all of your willpower not to burst into tears whenever someone mentioned Jeonghan in front of you. Of course, Seungkwan knew. And you were sure Joshua knew too. But apart from that, no one had even questioned why the air seemed so stale whenever the two of you were together.

Which brought you to your present call.

“Hello?” A groggy voice on the other side of the line had you nearly jumping off your bed, as you grabbed the phone delicately near your ear, as though you might have been hearing things.

“Uh, hi. It’s me, Y/N.” Your heart still raced at the sound of his voice and you hoped you didn’t sound as squeaky as a twelve year old talking to their crush for the first time.

A pause.

Then he chuckled. “I know, I can see your caller ID.” 

Jeonghan had acted nonchalantly with you in front of everyone, like you hadn't just hurt his feelings by asking him to disappear. But you had thought that maybe he would be different when the two of you were alone, cold and distant since you had practically thrown his kindness onto his face.

“Hahah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I forgot.” You muttered, embarrassed at the way you were acting. Your cheeks were feeling hot and you were glad that he couldn’t see you know.

“So what do you want?”

The words were like a slap to you, but you knew very well that you deserved that. That’s what your relationship had boiled down to. Just to fulfil each other’s needs.

“Um, my parents know about us.” You muttered.

“What?” He asked, as though he hadn’t heard you clearly the first time. You could hear the slight rise in his voice.

“My parents…they know about us and…you know how dating is in our world. They think I’m seeing you as a potential life partner for later on.”

“Do you want me to come over?” He asked softly, and something inside you broke.

“I- I- don't know what to do Hannie.” you felt tears stream down your cheeks. “I don't want you to think that I’m using you, not after what I told you. I shouldn’t even be asking you to cover for me anymore. I hate myself for that so much. But I really don’t know what to tell my parents-”

“Hey.” He hushed you. “I’ll be there, okay? When do you want me to come over?”

“Can you- can you come over for lunch?”

“I’ll be there for sometime before lunch then. Just wait a little, okay?” 

True to his word, Jeonghan showed up to your house half an hour before lunch time. The minute your maids had informed you that he was here, you had rushed downstairs to pull him into your bedroom without your parents noticing.

Locking the door behind you, you leaned your back against it to catch your breath. Your eyes flicked up to meet his worried ones, and you felt the familiar warmth rush back to your chest. 

“Jeonghan I-” You began but stopped when he held your hand that was clutching his sleeves. You thought he was trying to remove it but instead clasped it in his both hands. The huge apology that you had prepared in your head vanished, and all you could was stare at him with tears pricking your eyes once more.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” You whispered, your voice almost broken. Finding yourself alone with him for the first time after the incident seemed to have done something to you. All you could think of was getting him back. “I’m so sorry for all the things I told you.”

He stared at you for a few seconds, before dropping his eyes to your entwined hands. “It’s fine. It’s my fault you felt like that-”

“I wanted you to disappear because everytime I’m with you, I feel like I’m failing to just pretend you are my boyfriend.” You cut him off, taking a step closer to him. Your toes were now brushing each other’s and he looked up at you confused, as though he could not believe what he had just heard.

Taking a deep breath, you continued. “I know- I know that you might hate me after this because I’m- because I’m just misusing your goodness. But I’m in love with you Hannie. I like you so much that it drove me crazy trying to keep things the way it was between us. I had hoped maybe that after our fight I would forget you but instead I kept wanting you more. And I hated the fact that I hurt you. I hated-”

“Shh.” He whispered, taking both of your hands in his. He jerked you closer to him, until your noses were just a few inches apart. You were so close to him that you could smell the cologne lingering on him and see the black flecks in his soft brown eyes. His warm gaze was turning your knees to putty and you grasped his hand more tightly to steady yourself. “Don’t- Don’t ever say that, okay? Because I love you so much I can’t bear to see you crumbling like this, hating yourself for something that wasn’t even your fault. I love you so much that it’s okay if you don’t want me if I’m hurting you or making you uncomfortable.”

Taking a deep breath in harshly, you blinked at him as you tried to clear your brain.

Jeonghan…loved you too. He loved you.

When you didn’t say anything, Jeonghan covered the little distance between the two of you by pressing his lips against yours. You felt yourself melt into his touch, hands now clutching his biceps to steady yourself.

He pushed you against the door to press against your body better, his hands squeezing your hips gently. Jeonghan’s lips were soft against yours, kissing you feverishly as though you might disappear if he stopped to even catch his breath. 

You felt all rational thoughts leave your body when your teeth accidentally grazed against his lower lip, causing him to groan in your mouth. One hand cupped your cheek, tilting your face to get better access to your lips. 

His frantic kisses moved towards your ears, starting from the corner of your lip, to your cheek and finally to the soft skin right below your ear.

“Hannie.” You whispered softly, gripping his hair tightly as he sucked on the soft skin, kissing, biting and licking the same spot. You realised that the only thing supporting your jelly legs was the door and his grip on your waist, but you couldn’t even tell him to stop because of the euphoric feeling in your heart.

God, you loved him so, so much.

You tugged at his hair gently, causing him to stop doing what he was doing to look at you, and you threw your arms around his neck to pull him into a hug. He didn’t even falter for a second and immediately wrapped his arm around you, engulfing you in his warmth.

“I love it when you call me Hannie.” He whispered, kissing your ear softly. You felt yourself smile, giving him a squeeze as you felt your heart might explode out of happiness. 

“And I love you.”

Pulling away from him, you mirrored his smile, his soft gaze making you feel giddy like always. “But Hannie..” You began, and he cut you off with a quick kiss on your lips. 

“Hmmm?”

“I had really wanted to dance with you that day.”

“Is that so?” He hummed, his eyes shining with the familiar devilish glint. “Then should we dance after I tell your parents you are officially my girlfriend?”

A/N: Please do tell me what you think about this story!! I worked really hard on it and I would love to know everyone’s thoughts on it~ Comments and reblogs are appreciated!    

© 𝐆𝐘𝐔-𝐄𝐅𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑  

#╼ 𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐒 #╼ 𝐓𝐑𝐘𝐍𝐀 𝐃𝐎 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐃𝐎 #jeonghan x reader #yoon jeonghan x reader #seventeen x reader #jeonghan #yoon jeonghan #seventeen #svt x reader #jeonghan x you #jeonghan x y/n #yoon jeonghan x you #yoon jeonghan x y/n #jeonghan fluff #jeonghan angst #yoon jeonghan fluff #yoon jeonghan angst #jeonghan fanfic #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen fanfic

[ametrictonofaudacity]

platonic headcanons or scenario for yandere Anakin Skywalker? if you write for him of course. i really enjoy your works! especially Bonds (for personal reasons •w•)

Eeee! My first Star Wars ask! You have no idea how excited I am for this, omg. Also Bonds is one of my personal faves to write as well!

Warnings: manipulation,over-protectiveness,themes of obsession,some implied stalking. Reader is barely trained force sensitive and Anakin has taken a self-proclaimed mentor/older brother role despite them not being a Jedi. Lots of Force stuff, because I love inserting my headcanons.

“Okay, now, I want you to try it with this.”

A comm link is passed to you, and you can see the wear and tear the device had been put through. Chips in the metal, the thin veneer of paint flaking off, a scorch mark on the side.

You take it, your fingers curling around the smooth metal. Anakin is leaning forward, practically hunched over your shared project, and you divert your focus from the Jedi Knight to the comm link in your hands.

“Why do I have to do this again?” You complain tiredly, turning it over in your hands. The metal catches on the calluses of your skin, and you hear Anakin huff.

“Because it’s important. Now try, come on.”

He nudged you with a shoulder, and you nod, breathing in.

It takes so much effort to expand the sense you’ve always had past your own body. Anakin called it the Force, but you just knew it as something you had always had and always known. If it wasn’t for Anakin, and the new tricks and tips he was teaching you, you might have never known that your sense of knowing was anything other than another sense.

The comm wasn’t alive. It didn’t react to the Force the way living things did. Didn’t buzz with it’s own energy. But something in your chest nudges at the internal components, and you suck in a breath.

“It’s.. it’s a wire? Maybe? It feels.. burnt?”

He beams.

That’s best way to describe it. With your senses extended like this, you don’t just see him, but you feel the way he lights up. His sun bright aura (he called it a Force Presence) popped and sizzled, pride flickering across it with a sense of glee.

Your head spins, the surge of foreign emotions making your mind struggle to keep up, and just as quickly as it happened, it draws back, and Anakin looks alarmed.

“Woah, easy! Are you alright?” He leans forward, a hand on your shoulder and you realize you were panting. His eyebrows furrow, and he lifts the other hand, pressing it to your forehead. It’s warm, but you feel how your brow was beaded with sweat. “You must have over-exerted yourself, come on, let’s take a break.”

“You’re normally really against breaks?” You joke, but your voice cracks and makes your head pound.

“Normally, you don’t have Force Exhaustion.” He snorts, easing the comm link out of your grip.

“That’s what that is?”

“Mhm. I didn’t mean to push you so far.”

The statement burns in your chest.

You knew, obviously, that Anakin was used to helping his Padawan, Ahsoka. She had years of experience on you, more skill and ability, and it showed. Simple tasks that she could do with her eyes closed took you hours to even begin to understand, much less the weeks of practice you had endured in order to even turn it into a useful skill.

There's a gentle nudge against your mind, the only real way to describe it, and when you look to your left, Anakin is giving you that stern frown, the one that you knew meant he was more than aware of your thoughts on the matter.

"Stop being so hard on yourself."

"How did you even..?"

"You're pretty predictable, young one." He sends you a sort of half grin, before adding. "Also, your shields are really weak right now, so you're projecting your emotions all over the place."

You groan, and he snorts, helping you stand. Of course your mental shields were down.

"This Jedi stuff is so ridiculous, oh my god."

"Wait until I teach you how to use a Force Push. You're gonna feel like you've pulled muscles you didn't even know you had." The crooked grin he sends you makes you huff, and he helps you sit in the soft chair. You wonder how he ever managed to make so much time for you, how he managed to come visit so often when you knew the war and his duties as a Jedi came first and kept him away so often.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but... why are you doing all of this? You don't exactly have to help me."

He goes silent. The crooked grin is gone, replaced by a look you can't quite decipher. It's sharp, intense. Blue eyes bore into like he's trying to pick apart exactly why you asked him, like he's trying to understand. His brows slant down, in that stern, angry way they did was he was thinking hard but not actually angry, and you swallow.

"You remember how we first met?" He asks, and you nod.

"The pirates, yeah."

"You remember what you did?"

Not really. Well, you did, but you no idea how you had been able to convince the pirate to leave you alone. You had been pinned down and panicked, and even though Anakin had told you, several times, that you had used the Force to convince the man to release you, you had never been able to replicate it, despite trying.

"Yeah. I remember."

"Good. That was.. dangerous. An untrained Force Sensitive, using a Suggestion? You're lucky you didn't get hurt, or pass out, from pushing yourself too far." For a single, alarming second, there's a spark of rage behind his eyes, at his next words. "Or that the wrong person hadn't realized and made you a target."

You swallow.

You were aware, what happened to Force Sensitives that weren't Jedi. Some went insane, some lived normal lives, some were targeted by Hutts and pirates, some were found and killed.

Some became Sith.

"Oh."

"Yeah. I figured, well, I have the skills, may as well teach them to someone who could use them. Especially given how you lived on the streets for a while." He shrugs, the intensity gone, and gives you a half smile. "Now come on, you need to get some food and water in you, and you can take a nap."

A nap sounded... really good, actually. It would help the pulsing migraine in the back of your head, and you could catch up on some sleep you so desperately needed.

So you let Anakin press a plate into your hands, and let him slide a glass of water in front of you, and when he closes the door to your room behind you and dims the lights, you curl into your blanket, closing your eyes.

Sleep comes easy, and you rest, content.

#yandere x reader #yandere platonic Anakin Skywalker #yander platonic star wars #star wars the clone wars

[theerurishipper]

Ok I am going to be controversial. If I'm honest, I don’t really understand the desire for Adrien to turn his back on Ladybug at the end of Strikeback. That's partly because I don't completely get what the writers intended Adrien’s struggle to be about in Season 4. I understand what Ladybug did wrong, but my thing is…

Does CN ever actually express to LB why he is upset in Season 4? Does he ever try to reason with her or advocate for himself?

I don’t remember him approaching the real issue until they were under Risk’s influence and he says “maybe that’s because you never tell me anything.”  I also remember that overall fallout feeling really muddy throughout the season.

From what I see, Chat Noir’s most valid reason for being upset is because she’s keeping him, her loyal partner, at a distance. She’s not communicating as well to the point that he ends up confused, outside of the plan a few times. He finds out she told someone her identity even though she's always been massively against that. Toward the end, he discovers she’s been working with an active Rena Furtive without making him aware. She said nothing between them would change, but he can sense this new distance and her secrecy. He doesn't quite know what to make of it, but he can't help but feel a bit betrayed. He deserves at least to know things like when a new Ladybug shows up at random or a secret miraculous holder being in the field with them.

So you'd think that would be the clear cut reason, but I'm not sure? The writing gives mixed messages and Adrien brings a lot of his own baggage to the table. The increased neglect and secrecy by Ladybug is one facet , but if we’re being honest about what we were shown, there are some more factors:

The side effects of the guardianship in itself. The nature of the guardianship means Ladybug is now a leader responsible for the kwami and involving many more holders. More holders make defeating Monarch easier and Paris more safe, but it also means less time as a duo and more competition to play on CN’s insecurity. He worried about his being replaced as early as Season 3 with Carapace. His insecurity is exacerbated by her distance, but also by more holders in general. The average person might not have been as upset at getting a "break" for a few rounds, but to Adrien, it's a sign that he is finally being replaced. Even if he knew about Rena Furtive, I’m willing to bet he still would have felt uneasy about her threatening their relationship.

He is in love with her. Kuro Neko’s messaging is all over the place, but Plagg wasn’t completely wrong. Ladybug’s increased distance and secrecy hurts 50 times worse because Chat Noir is in love with her. If he were in love with Marinette instead at that point, he might even enjoy the extra load off and having fun with his friends at school, but he is very much in love with Ladybug. That makes his suffering hit much harder.

He’s upset about Carapace and Rena Rouge knowing each other's identities even though he can’t know Ladybug’s. To be fair, I rate the other holders' identities BS pretty low on my list of things to rage at Ladybug about because after Season 3 when all the heroes were revealed and Ladybug continued to give the same heroes their miraculous while also still being really anxious over identities, it was so nonsensical that I chalked it up to plot convenience rather than Marinette just being this stupid and risky. The show was not about to design new hero models so logic be damned. I don’t blame her for this anymore than I blame Chat Noir for being stupidly bad in battle at random a.k.a nerfed to make Ladybug look better. I also acknowledge the rules for the Ladybug and Cat miraculous hold an elevated risk. If Monarch knows Rena and Carapace identities he maybe has two new miraculous. If he knows Ladybug and Cat’s identities, he has his wish and the world is rewritten. 

His father also started neglecting him more after a big change in their lives. He’s projected his relationship with his father onto his relationship with Ladybug as early as Glaciator when she didn’t make it to his date. So possible PTSD.

There are also the reasons that the fandom projects onto Adrien as things he 'should' be upset about, but is never actually upset about and have never had any canon ground:

She’s the leader and the only holder with a cure. They’ve never been exactly equal despite that one line and he’s never had an issue with this on the battlefield. He only wants to know what’s going on. If he does have some leftover resentment at Fu not choosing or training him, his beef is with Fu.

He doesn’t know other holders identities. He’s only ever cared to know Ladybug’s. And this may be controversial opinion, but even if he wanted Ladybug to tell him the other holders’ identities, would he be justified in that? He’s not a guardian. Why is he entitled to demand the guardian hand them over? Especially without their permission?

Her plan with Luka to reveal their identities and erase his memory. This is to me her most egregious offense in season 4 and if he knew about it, it would make the argument against his forgiveness much stronger in my eyes. But he doesn’t. And it becomes obsolete information after the episode.

Even with all these heavy factors, all valid reasons to be upset, the only reason that validates righteous anger from CN’s pov and doesn’t make him look like kind of a tool is her secrecy around Rena Furtive and him discovering her keeping him out of the loop on some need to know info in Hacksan and one or two other eps. Emotionally, it goes much deeper than this for him. But these represent her responsibility in the matter.

The reason I can't see him justified in cutting ties with her in Strikeback though is that... this doesn't come up? He can't say he's tried to communicate with her. Nothing like “you’re keeping things I need to know from me and I don’t like it” or “you said things wouldn’t change between us as partners but you’ve distanced yourself from me. we started this together”. Nothing before Strikeback. I could see if he'd tried to talk about it and she dismissed him and didn’t try to fix things. But there’s no conversation around this in particular.

The weird thing is a lot of the other reasons come up in canon through his voice or someone else’s or both. He’s in love with her. He doesn't know what he'd do without her. All the new partners make him feel insecure and irrelevant. Why can’t we know each others’ identity and they can? In other words, the reasons that make him seem overemotional and self centered. These reasons also all center her or the desire for her love and adoration rather than his feelings as her partner. That’s what’s highlighted in Season 4.

But the actual legit criticism and bone to be picked with Ladybug herself does not come out of his mouth until he is under Risk's influence. Even then, it’s a one-liner. I don’t remember him ever actually trying to touch on the real problem with her prior to that. He either smiles and shrugs it off, even when she asks if he is ok, or he lashes out and runs away.  He doesn’t breach the topic and if he doesn’t communicate it, how can they work through it? 

Kuro Neko was the perfect opportunity to have Adrien really vent, but the initial argument is a textbook miscommunication. He shows up smiling over his pain and cracking jokes. Therefore she doesn’t realize how upset he is. Then he pushes the subject even though she’s out of time and she snaps at him for not listening. Hurt, he snaps back and runs. Plagg blames it on heartbreak alone. Ladybug takes that bait and laments that there’s nothing she can do but dote on him a bit because hey he’s just heartbroken. She's not responsible for his unrequited love. At the end, he never mentions the legitimate issues and nothing is ever wrapped up. That’s where I start to think, did the writers even mean for him feeling diminished as a ‘partner’ to be a real issue? Did they intend for this to be a lovesick issue from the start?

I don’t think this is just on Ladybug being impossible to talk to because of some vibe she sends out or her making sad face. Chat Noir has been pretty cross with Ladybug before over other less justified matters and she didn’t crumble or smote him. She did throw him in the trash but that took 4 seasons of being calm and reasonable in the face of some behavior that wasn’t always great on his part. He is usually the one supporting her, but she managed not to meltdown while he was struggling in Guilttrip and Reverser and support him.  She’s not glass and she’s not his father and I think he knows that on some level. I think his lack of communication is partially his upbringing.

But mostly, he's just written to undermine himself. Ladybug isn’t the only voice box for the writers. Adrien is too. Everyone in the show works to serve a particular narrative so it’s no wonder that his most valid complaint against Ladybug in Season 4 was buried under all of the less noble ones, even from his own lips. He needed Risk just to confront her on the part she was actually responsible for. Odd choice. I guess he wouldn’t have been the perfect boyfriend if he did it without Risk?

I think a decent percentage of the rage at LB in Season 4 is made more intense and inflated in combination with all those other factors. We as the viewers know Adrien's trauma, how starved for love he is, what little support system he has vs the act he puts on as both Adrien and Chat Noir. We know too the meta fact that the writers never allowed CN the dignity to be rightfully upset about it or voice his most valid displeasure at anytime except when he was under the influence of a villain.

Taking the show at surface level, I can see him forgiving her. I just wished they had talked about it. Adrien isn't helpless in the face of Ladybug. He's faced Gabriel. He went to school and told him he didn't want to model and opened up about feeling like his father never wants to talk to him. so I know he can be more honest with Ladybug without a villain spell. The only reason I can think of it never reaching that point is because the writers didn't want it to. Not only do I think that he would have expressed himself well and honestly enough if given the moment, but I think there’s a good chance Ladybug would have tried to fix things if she actually knew what he was upset about and didn't reduce it to 'he's in love with me.' Which I can't completely blame her for. She had help from both Plagg and Adrien.

Maybe that’s just me being wishful about the blorbos, but my early season blorbos are better than their later season counterparts. The latter just seem like shills for a plot that doesn't match them.

I really miss early Adrien anyhow. He took a lot more flack then because he messed up more because he actually had a personality that allowed him to disagree and have sassy moments. Sometimes he was right, sometimes wrong, but at least he felt more layered. 

Whew, this is a long ask! I'll take this part by part.

Ok I am going to be controversial. If I'm honest, I don’t really understand the desire for Adrien to turn his back on Ladybug at the end of Strikeback. That's partly because I don't completely get what the writers intended Adrien’s struggle to be about in Season 4. I understand what Ladybug did wrong, but my thing is…

The thing is, I don't want him to turn his back on Ladybug in Strikeback. I've said before that I love that scene. What spoils is for me is that the conflict is never addressed after that episode, and it just makes it come off as Chat Noir pushing away his hurt to be there for Ladybug once more. Like he just accepted that he'll be treated in ways he doesn't like. The scene in isolation is one of my favorites, but it's how the aftermath was dealt with that makes it bad.

Does CN ever actually express to LB why he is upset in Season 4? Does he ever try to reason with her or advocate for himself? I don’t remember him approaching the real issue until they were under Risk’s influence and he says “maybe that’s because you never tell me anything.”  I also remember that overall fallout feeling really muddy throughout the season.

You're partially right. He doesn't really try to actually talk with her until Risk/Strikeback. And part of this is because of his own trauma. But the other part of it is also because Ladybug has also become more and more unapproachable over the course of the season. When he does try to approach her in some way, he gets shut down.

You're pretty spot on about the other reasons for why he feels the way he does.

There are also the reasons that the fandom projects onto Adrien as things he 'should' be upset about, but is never actually upset about and have never had any canon ground: She’s the leader and the only holder with a cure. They’ve never been exactly equal despite that one line and he’s never had an issue with this on the battlefield. He only wants to know what’s going on. If he does have some leftover resentment at Fu not choosing or training him, his beef is with Fu.

I agree that any resentment he feels for Fu not training him isn't Marinette's fault.

This is getting long, so I'll put the rest of it under the cut.

He doesn’t know other holders identities. He’s only ever cared to know Ladybug’s. And this may be controversial opinion, but even if he wanted Ladybug to tell him the other holders’ identities, would he be justified in that? He’s not a guardian. Why is he entitled to demand the guardian hand them over? Especially without their permission?

So, he isn't entitled to their identities. I personally think he would have been justified in wanting to know before Season 4, but it's not really that way anymore. But in any case, that isn't the issue. The issue is Ladybug playing loose and fast with the rules, allowing others to know their identities and even revealing her own identity to someone else while making sure that Chat Noir sticks to the rules. He has a right to be upset about that.

Her plan with Luka to reveal their identities and erase his memory. This is to me her most egregious offense in season 4 and if he knew about it, it would make the argument against his forgiveness much stronger in my eyes. But he doesn’t. And it becomes obsolete information after the episode.

The point is that it shouldn't have become obsolete. She was going to do something awful to him. I don't think it should have been thrown aside. He should know about it. She's shown that she's willing to take advantage of his trust and she never actually learnt any lesson about not doing that or that it was wrong. He's entitled to information about her actions that could potentially have harmed him. That's something she should admit to.

The reason I can't see him justified in cutting ties with her in Strikeback though is that... this doesn't come up? He can't say he's tried to communicate with her. Nothing like “you’re keeping things I need to know from me and I don’t like it” or “you said things wouldn’t change between us as partners but you’ve distanced yourself from me. we started this together”. Nothing before Strikeback. I could see if he'd tried to talk about it and she dismissed him and didn’t try to fix things. But there’s no conversation around this in particular.

I think the reason for this is clear in your own next paragraph. I will say again that him cutting ties with her in Strikeback is not something that I want.

The weird thing is a lot of the other reasons come up in canon through his voice or someone else’s or both. He’s in love with her. He doesn't know what he'd do without her. All the new partners make him feel insecure and irrelevant. Why can’t we know each others’ identity and they can? In other words, the reasons that make him seem overemotional and self centered. These reasons also all center her or the desire for her love and adoration rather than his feelings as her partner. That’s what’s highlighted in Season 4.

And that's exactly it. The season spends so many episodes building up this conflict between them, building up Ladybug's secret keeping and Chat Noir's increasing resentment and insecurity over the fact, and then... reduces it to him being in love with her. There are plenty of valid reasons for him to be angry with her, but Kuro Neko, the episode where the Ladynoir conflict is supposedly at an end, tells us that the reason for all this is because "Chat Noir is in love with Ladybug." I call BS.

It's a severe flaw in the writing. They reduce the conflict down to being about Chat Noir being in love with Ladybug while brushing over everything else that was set up. Him being in love with her may have been a slight factor, but it was never the main problem. If he hadn't been in love with her, he would still have the right to be pissed. Reducing it down to him being in love with her reduces the whole conflict, and Kuro Neko actually ends with Adrien saying he was too sensitive (which is Gabe rhetoric) and him apologizing to her as though she did nothing wrong at all. Kuro Neko is just... a fucking awful episode.

Kuro Neko was the perfect opportunity to have Adrien really vent, but the initial argument is a textbook miscommunication. He shows up smiling over his pain and cracking jokes. Therefore she doesn’t realize how upset he is. Then he pushes the subject even though she’s out of time and she snaps at him for not listening. Hurt, he snaps back and runs. Plagg blames it on heartbreak alone. Ladybug takes that bait and laments that there’s nothing she can do but dote on him a bit because hey he’s just heartbroken. She's not responsible for his unrequited love. At the end, he never mentions the legitimate issues and nothing is ever wrapped up. That’s where I start to think, did the writers even mean for him feeling diminished as a ‘partner’ to be a real issue? Did they intend for this to be a lovesick issue from the start?

And I think you've hit the nail right on the head. This is exactly the problem with Kuro Neko and Season 4 as a whole.

I don’t think this is just on Ladybug being impossible to talk to because of some vibe she sends out or her making sad face. Chat Noir has been pretty cross with Ladybug before over other less justified matters and she didn’t crumble or smote him. She did throw him in the trash but that took 4 seasons of being calm and reasonable in the face of some behavior that wasn’t always great on his part. He is usually the one supporting her, but she managed not to meltdown while he was struggling in Guilttrip and Reverser and support him.  She’s not glass and she’s not his father and I think he knows that on some level. I think his lack of communication is partially his upbringing.

I do sort of disagree with Ladybug being approachable. I think Glaciator 2 did do some damage. See, it's always been their dynamic to banter and for Chat Noir to flirt. Ladybug herself has enjoyed their banter and has responded to his flirtatious comments with nothing more than a small roll of her eyes. When he does it at the wrong time, she tells him to cut it out and he does. Considering that, throwing him a trashcan is unnecessarily overblown. That's way out of line. It's clearly because she's stressed out and annoyed about the situation and because of everything else going on, but him never bringing up anything so as to not upset her is a pretty reasonable interpretation after that. And it does happen again in Kuro Neko. He offers to help, she snaps at him.

The situations with Guilttrip and others like it were when it wasn't about Ladybug. She is supportive of him and she does care for him, but it's always when it's not about her. When it is about her, she never actually puts in the effort to fix the problem and just smooths over the situation (Kuro Neko, Strikeback). Of course, a lot of his lack of communication is due to his upbringing, but Ladybug is also visibly more unapproachable now.

But mostly, he's just written to undermine himself. Ladybug isn’t the only voice box for the writers. Adrien is too. Everyone in the show works to serve a particular narrative so it’s no wonder that his most valid complaint against Ladybug in Season 4 was buried under all of the less noble ones, even from his own lips. He needed Risk just to confront her on the part she was actually responsible for. Odd choice. I guess he wouldn’t have been the perfect boyfriend if he did it without Risk? I think a decent percentage of the rage at LB in Season 4 is made more intense and inflated in combination with all those other factors. We as the viewers know Adrien's trauma, how starved for love he is, what little support system he has vs the act he puts on as both Adrien and Chat Noir. We know too the meta fact that the writers never allowed CN the dignity to be rightfully upset about it or voice his most valid displeasure at anytime except when he was under the influence of a villain.

Spot on.

Taking the show at surface level, I can see him forgiving her. I just wished they had talked about it. Adrien isn't helpless in the face of Ladybug. He's faced Gabriel. He went to school and told him he didn't want to model and opened up about feeling like his father never wants to talk to him. so I know he can be more honest with Ladybug without a villain spell. The only reason I can think of it never reaching that point is because the writers didn't want it to. Not only do I think that he would have expressed himself well and honestly enough if given the moment, but I think there’s a good chance Ladybug would have tried to fix things if she actually knew what he was upset about and didn't reduce it to 'he's in love with me.' Which I can't completely blame her for. She had help from both Plagg and Adrien.

Spot on again.

Maybe that’s just me being wishful about the blorbos, but my early season blorbos are better than their later season counterparts. The latter just seem like shills for a plot that doesn't match them. I really miss early Adrien anyhow. He took a lot more flack then because he messed up more because he actually had a personality that allowed him to disagree and have sassy moments. Sometimes he was right, sometimes wrong, but at least he felt more layered. 

I will say that Miraculous trying to make the switch from a monster-of-the-week type of show to having an overarching plot was an ambitious choice, but it did not work out well, for reasons you've mentioned here.

I will also say, when I criticize Marinette, it isn't often Marinette herself that I criticize but the writing around her. The sort of writing that involves other characters bending over so that she doesn't look bad, or Adrien being reduced to her emotional support partner who doesn't demand a thing from her. That's ultimately what Season 4 had him learn, that he isn't and never will be her equal and that he should just be okay with whatever she does. And since Adrien character is that of the abuse victim who has never been allowed to be his own person, it just paints a very nasty picture. So, I think we do largely agree on many things, anon.

Thank you for your ask!

#MLB #Miraculous Ladybug #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain Cheng #Ladybug #Chat Noir #ML Salt #ML Writing Salt #ML Writers Salt #Marinette Salt #Ladybug Salt #Meta #My meta #Asks #Ladynoir conflict

[wisecrackingeric-2]

((Redoing this cuz TUMBLR FLAGGED IT DAMNIT))

20 Questions for Fic Authors !!

Thank you S O SOSOSOSOOSSOSO MUCH @sunhatllama & @courtofparrots for tagging me!!!!! :DDD

1. How many works do you have??

36!!

2. What is your AO3 word count??

202,659!!!!!!!!! God fucking damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for??

Just Resident Evil!! :D

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos??

1. All You Have To Do Is Ask

2. Your Drunk Words Are Sober Thoughts

3. Leon (Finally) Gets Top Surgery

4. Anemoia

And Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow in that order!!

5. Do you respond to comments??

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES EVEN IF IT TAKES ME FOREVER I ADORE COMMENTS THEY KEEP ME GOING

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending??

OOOOOUGHH this is hard because I am ALLERGIC to writing angst BXBDHENSJ I don’t know why I just struggle to do it!!!! I always feel too bad for the characters!!!!! But if I HAD to pick I’d proooobably say It Was Only Yesterday for @aquarelacosmica because old age is sad I guess BXNENNEDJ

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending??

Literally all of them HDBEHENDJJ happy endings are guaranteed with all my fics but if I had to chose my favourites, they’d be, in no particular order;

1. Marido

2. Matteo

3. Beautiful Boy

4. New Years

5. I’ll Help You Pray

And 6. Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy!!

8. Do you get hate on fics??

Not so far thank god!! I’ve definitely received WEIRD or overbearing comments but no hate!

9. Do you write smut??

My only NS f W fic is Feeling Loved, and it’s more a piece on Luis’ chronic pain and self esteem after RE4 than it is smut I’d say!! It’s very near and dear to my heart <3

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve written??

I’ve never WRITTEN a crossover HOWEVER I have PLENTY of AU’s in my art tag!!! I’d love to write my Warriors Serennedy AU out someday though!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen??

Nope!!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated??

I’ve actually been asked by somebody before if they could translate my fic one time!!! I don’t remember which it was, but I had to politely decline since I didn’t know the language and wouldn’t be able to crowd control the response, but they were super duper polite and kind about it!!!!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before??

I’ve never co-written a fic per se but I’ve definitely had my friends bounce ideas between me and help me with proofreading!!!!! Ily guys <<<<333

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

leans on the suspiciously serennedy-shaped box standing in my room Why do you wanna know?

15. What’s a WIP you’d wanna finish but doubt you ever will??

I have quite a handful that I’ve started but unfortunately lost the momentum for and can’t find it again.

Writing is a lot like art for me- if inspiration strikes I have to do it THEN AND THERE or else I’ll lose the groove for the kind of style/inspo I wanted to do it in, and unfortunately I had to give up quite a few fanfic projects this year to focus on art and also mainly cuz the beginning of this year has been VEEEEEERY tough and I always prioritise my art over writing unfortunately!!

I’m proud of myself for finishing (I’m Just A) Sweet Transvestite though- that one was made through blood sweat and tears :,)

16. What are your writing strengths?

UHHHH NO CLUE!!! I’ve been TOLD it’s how I characterise my characters and how I write dialog, but I think the easiest thing for ME is describing scenes so I dunno!!

17. What are your writing weaknesses??

Can saying ‘everything’ count HFNEHENDJ I’m more of an artist than a writer!! But I think the thing I struggle with the most is stretching out important emotional beats. And also commas.

18. Thoughts on writing dialog in another language??

I do it all the time for Luis so Hell Yeah!!! Thank you Wilfreeeeeeeddd for helpiiiinnngg <<<33

19. First fandom you wrote for??

Also Resident Evil!! Serennedy has a violent chokehold on me

20. Favourite fic you’ve written??

(I’m Just A) Sweet Transvestite !! I am S O proud of myself for finishing it man!!!!! I went through HELL and back writing it and I made something that means a lot to me!!!!!!

Tagging @blveherb , @geddy-leesbian , @leonsbunny , @hamartia-grander , @ugetelynx , @theprestigegirly @mooseonahunt and anyone else who wants to join!! :DD

#ericswriting #serennedy

[poupeesdecirque]

Hobby Update.

For quite some time I have been sitting on a drafted hobby update entry, I wrote it back in October.

I took the last step this week and left one hobby space I loved for years.

I can tell 2023 was a quite difficult year for me in doll hobby terms, well, on the social side. A lot of things have changed.

For the last week, since I left the space, feel like a huge load fell off my chest, it's coincidence that a lot of things arrived this week and some orders finally came to an end, it's still on going in some cases but I can tell I feel ... free?

My close friends know I have been struggling with a lot of things in hobby terms as I am trying to care for myself more and some people were constantly poisoning my mind.

My conclusion right now is I love my creative hobbies, I don't want to end any of all but I also don't want to feel like I need to hide my decisions. I know I don't need to but being reduced to just "having a lot of" while I am using the dolls as blank canvas and learned how to sculpt my own head, learned to do face ups, to make wigs, full clothing sets, I draw, I write, I take photos, I can use my knowledge on cosplay and cosplay knowledge on the dolls. I am versatile. Also it's my way to cope with stress. I am stressed I draw, I sew, I write. Take that away from me and I will become a braindead mess.

2023 showed me that I hate certain parts of the doll community, I hate the binge & purge mindset, I hate that you are reduced to be a "content creator", I am not. I don't put out mindless stuff I pour my heart into every creation, every photo, every display, every drawing.

People have expectations of me, and I can't and won't cater their interests anymore. I got shit for so many things and I want to step away from that. Disconnecting from the community is the best I can do right now. Will I return? I can't tell that now. I need my distance for now.

I want to create my own little cosy places and I am thankful for everyone who became a friend with me during the last years.

2024 will be full of dolls, full of fun projects, full of sewing, crafting, creating, full of cosplay, full of traveling. It will be full of meeting friends, learning new things, challeging myself.

I want to get this off my chest as well. If you are interested in a glimpse of my feelings during the last months... behind the cut is the old entry.

Here is my original drafted journal from the 24th October.

For those who are knowing me for longer (and with that I mean longer than this blog here exist) there is the fact I cut ties with several communities over the years. Not only doll ones but different too. It all had several reasons over the last two decades but I won't go that much into detail here.

I am about to do the same again and I know I don't owe anyone an explanation why, but I need to get it out of my head and that's what I made this blog for in the first place. This is subjective I will not discuss anything about it and you can't change how I perceive it, I know I have my flaws too, not innocent, no saint. I just want to get steam off. Thanks.

Don't read further if just the pure art content interests you :)

Two years ago I had a literal doll burn out, I overstressed myself with keeping up on releases "because omg they are so cool" and pressured myself to get customs done in inhumane speed, that sucked all energy from me and I only saw mistakes and hated my work.

It was the time I picked up watching Anime again and fell into DGM and that brought me my love for not only Anime/Mana back but also for the dolls. My focus shifted into doing fan based dolls again. I can say my relationship with OC dolls isn't on par with what it was before the burn out but I will come to that later on.

In the last two years the hobby changed, not only because I had a different approach to it but because of the people who joined the places I used to socialize within the hobby.

First the type, who is annyoing, but well you can ignore quite well. It's people who glorify buying every clothing fullset they can get their hands on and the only love they show for the hobby is actually telling everyone to do the same and just buy half of taobao, like they do. I know people like this were common in before but it got out of hand the last years. You don't buy from taobao? You don't even consider it? Well, you are not part of the club anymore. We always had brand snobs, nothing new. But the amount of energy regarding taobao got quite annyoing.

That's a thing you can ignore, as mentioned, what I can't ignore is stealing ideas or telling lies or just downtalking every release you come across.

And those three type of people is what just makes me leave the hobby spaces I am in.

First of all if something goes wrong just have the balls to apologize to everyone who is involved. Don't go telling lies, don't go and show you basically do what you said I can't do just in another shape. This behaviour took something from me I loved within the hobby: seeing how people grow with their dolls, because I had to block whole areas as I got constantly reminded of person X. I was reminded of situations, of being told my opinion doesn't matter, several times, I got reminded that handcraft work means nothing as long as you can sculpt on a pc and just vomit out products to hide the fact you messed up something else. Oh and of course the "how can't you have time for fast progress"? Coming from a burn out trying to slow down while the real life basically ate me ... ahaha. thanks. And all that despite the fact the people who are causing those problems for me are protected by everyone, oh beware if you dare to say a word. It started with one person and got a bigger mess over the time.

This overall leads to the fact that somehow almost all preorders from non-Asian artists were all super chewy or went horribily wrong for me in the last 3 years. Started with ZeligenArt whom at least popped up after calling out, the clusterfuck with IntotheDeepDolls to the failed Preorder with AceofDolls to Logan.Dolls taking forever with several reminders, or the one with LenaRuiiz I'm still in I literally don't have the nerves to go into details here anymore as it just tires me out. Oh and the post eating my Parcel from Mirror didn't help much either, but that was out of control for us both and Mirror replaced the lost heads for me and just send them out. I don't have the patience for this anymore, I just want them all to be done. That's the reason why I kept pushing back some dolls, normally I do them by arrival. In one(!) preorder case I was asked directly(!) if I want a refund instead of my heads, but I was waiting for 1 1/2 years now, I didn't want to end up with nothing/or even less than I have begun with.

Then we have the audacity of people using other people's creations as their own and only mentioning it briefly, after they got popular with the doll/character "they" have created. If you have references just tell people you have used them. There is nothing wrong with that.

I can't overlook the fact of people 1:1 taking someone's character and slapping on another name and calling them theirs though. There is something going very wrong here.

Then we have the people being nasty about releases that don't fit their aesthetics (yes I am aware this is a thing for years, don't come at me I was member of Den of Demons I know the drill), comparing them to real people and downtalking people they never met and never will understand their beauty standards.

Those 4 types are ruining what I learned to love after leaving the bitch fights of my local community. The support, the open ears, the - we grow together - even when we have different tastes. I miss that.

I know i have withdrawn from telling my OC's backstories as there were too many putting their expectations on how I have to do dolls onto me. I stopped sharing even more photos ... which resulted in people thinking I'm just that one person with a lot of dolls. Sigh. I know growing a thick skin, I'm healing from being a people pleaser and all but in the end ...

i love the dolls. I love the hobby. I love being creative, I love sharing my joy, I love seeing how other people get inspired, how they grow and not this "fast"-fashion type of mentality that somehow came into the hobby. I hate THAT.

I love the people I met and have conversations with, but I don't love how I feel like not part of the hobby anymore, like someone like me don't have space anymore because I just want to have fun, I don't want to buy brand x, and I don't want to be urged to buy size Y, I don't want to reduced to the number of dolls I have - because every finished doll is a huge project for me, all tell a story, some a whole epic book some more just a small article. Because I don't want to be a sassy asshole, because I can't read the irony among the lines when people making fun of me, I take this literally.

I just have no idea anymore if there is a space for me. As I write this I have unboxed a new head and the excitement of having it here, it's still there, I love the hobby, but fell out of love with what the community space - that once felt like home to me - has become.

I will continue my blog, as I like to see my own progress and smile at what I have created. And as long as just one person maybe smiles at my creations or is inspired, or I can help with what I have written down I know it's worth sharing.

... I just want to enjoy my hobby.

There is a ton more going on, my head is full of thoughts, but getting at least this out of my head here might help to sort my feelings.

#blog

[sparklyslug]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @aidaronan and @softbrah thank yewwwwwww!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

50!!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

405,752

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now it's all Stranger Things, all the time baby. But you never know when the madness might strike for something new. Or re-strike for something I thought I was done with haha.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In Focus (Check Please) Up the Punks (Stranger Things) we're gonna fight til we do it right (Check Please) If you want him, come and claim him (Stranger Things) t'hy'la (Stranger Things)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I'm usually really good about it for the first day or so after a fic has posted, and then I kind of.... fall off with it usually. I read all comments! I appreciate all comments! Usually what happens is I see the email notif on my phone, mentally go "ah I will craft a perfectly thoughtful and appreciative and stirring response to this later when I have time to do it justice!" and then I do not do that.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The one that comes to mind is a fic I wrote for the Hobbit, hands too small to hold it, which is an AU where everyone lives but Bilbo still has the ring and the events of LOTR are still barreling towards them.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Let Us Dwell in Fair Ithilien and There Make a Garden with @greenlikethesea is ONE BIG MASSIVE HAPPY ENDING (after 10+years of tragic angsty pining but w/e). I also wrote a little happy family ever after Garak/Bashir for Star Trek DS9, between the noise.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

noooo it's never happened! If I'm getting hate it's behind my back ahaha who knows what goes down in y'alls discords, that’s none of my business! Im a Leo and I work in marketing, so I am not terribly tortured by that kind of thing ahahaha

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

SURE DO! I don't know what "what kind" means. The smut kind. I've done closed door fade to black, I've done some explicit stuff, I try to give you range baby.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I LOVE A CROSSOVER! Star Trek/Stranger Things is pretty crazy. My current project is Stranger Things/You've Got Mail put in a blender with Supernatural, so that's decently zany too.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I thought Quorum had been translated into Chinese, but I can't find any evidence of it, so might be all in my head ahaha.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I love to collaborate with folks! When the creative chemistry is right it's RIGHT, and it's so fun to ping-pong ideas and paragraphs back and forth. I co-wrote Check Please fics with @softbrah, have written a universe of Stranger Things fic with @greenlikethesea, and it's all been a blast. Me and @aidaronan are cooking up some ideas, if the two of us can ever stop signing up for bangs and things long enough to get to em.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Well of course I will say Steddie right now because I've been living here for over a year and a half. It truly does have just the most delicious dynamic, however the setup and wherever you take their characterizations.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't know if I'll ever finish my Vampire Eddie immediately post-canon fic, I didn't have much direction with it, just Vibes.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I'm good with atmospheric sensory details, it's something I really care about when writing at least. I definitely enjoy dialogue, too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes are hard, and I struggle with nailing (heh) the physicality of sex scenes. My haters in their discords are welcome to chime in here 😂😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I have no thoughts in particular. If it works in the fic and you've made sure your translation is right if you're not fluent in that language, hell yeah.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Lord of the Rings. You will never see this fic.

N E V E R.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

IT IS REALLY HARD TO CHOSE AMONGST MY CHILDREN. I put a lot of my heart into I was open to pain and crossed by the rain (Wayne Munson my beloved) and I'm really proud of what I did with that one. I truly wrote Can't We Be Seventeen knowing it was really just for me, to scratch one of those desperate writing itches after an intense period of fixating on the Heathers musical soundtrack, and I really like that fic too.

Tagging @occasionaloverboy@greenlikethesea @thefreakandthehair @henrystars @capriciouslyterminal

#my fic

[andypantsx3]

andie, im roughly plotting a multichapter fic rn -- and im curious how you go about writing your main conflicts/storylines? ive been writing for ages, but am relatively out of practice with multichaptered fics, and somewhat worried about coming up with conflicts that suit the setting/characters (rather than being able to really toy with both when writing original content.) obviously, you dont need to get super in depth, im just curious about how you come up w a main conflict for a fic, and how central/present it is (like a somewhat subdued conflict that is almost somewhat passive in comparison to a very present conflict, like a fight scene written and shown with detail.) feel free to ignore this/this isnt super pressing, but im just sorta curious + looking for some motivation. i love your work, and think youre Incredibly talented <3 have a lovely day and eat some good veggies for me

Hello my love!! Omg sending you my best plotting vibes and hoping you come up with something good!!

I have to say the conflict really varies from story to story and depends on the kind of story I want to tell. A lot of my fics are lighter, so they don't have much in the way of central conflict. So I'm not sure I will have great answers here, but I will try my best.

For the lightest level of fun, feel-good fic, I think the things that work best are common struggles that the average person faces, and/or ridiculous situations, because those are not very mentally taxing to read or work through along with the reader, except in terms of second-hand embarrassment lol.

For example, I've previously gone for project deadlines and working with a difficult partner (savvy, statistically significant), overcoming self-doubt/obliviousness and realizing someone loves you (if i could keep cool, fingerprints, vested interest, unconventional).

Or I've given the characters some ridiculous prop/costume (just my (blood) type, baby are you playing tricks 'cause you look like a treat?) or situation like a quirk accident that actually facilitates a confession rather than prevents one (damage, all in a day's quirk).

For fics of like, intermediary lightness, I think some sort of situational obstacle that prevents the characters being together works well, just because it is a more complicated situation, but you can get kind of fun/ridiculous with how absurd the situation is as well. I obviously have a super huge thing for class differences so that is usually my main bag (Deceiving the Duke, in cinders), and I will throw in some hidden identity element on the side to complicate it just a little bit further.

Only on rare occasions do I try my hand at a larger-scale external conflict. I'm not quite sure how to give tips on how to pick one out. I generally tend towards a sort of case fic/mystery approach to these, like, who is committing a string of crimes? (ab intra, war paint) or how do we confirm someone is doing bad stuff? (something in the water), and lastly, how do we keep someone alive in the face of targeted hate? (incendiary). It's these kinds of fics where the fight scenes generally come into play, and act as a sort of pay-off or climactic moment in the fic.

What I have never tried my hand at but I think makes a truly amazing conflict is a combination of case fic plus some societal snapshot/commentary, like Mermie does in her fics.

The throughline in Mermie's fics for the big three (surrender, something (just like this), and the eventual Shouto fic), is an anti-quirk terrorist group targeting quirkless civilians and attempting to give them quirks, which typically results in them being unable to handle the new power and either accidentally killing themselves or hurting others around them. The pro heroes are constantly working the case, trying to figure out who is behind these efforts, while also trying to protect the Reader characters who inadvertently get involved.

It's really consistent with the themes of BNHA as a whole and serves as a similar snapshot of a society still struggling with the concept of quirks. And it allows for a very strong throughline of tension as you have opportunities to lay out a mystery, grow the tension, and insert fight scenes or other scenes of societal devastation.

Anyway I'm not sure how helpful this was, but these are my general thoughts!! Please let me know if you're looking for more specific pointers, though, and I'm happy to try to dig more into some of this!!

#ask andie

[bluboothalassophile]

Hello, how are you? well, other than bored hehe we all have days like this so i know the feeling nodding. Well, I-I'm here to request, if possible of course, another chapter of "Crime Lord Au" bc, oh dear, this is a good stuff hehe, I know - or not - that it may need more time, but I just can't wait to see Raven face-to-face w/ Angela/Arella, I need that, oh the drama, but I can wait till this moment. Or another chapter of "Scandal", which is also good, but you choose which one would you rather write, if you wanted to write one of them

Hello,

I'm just bored because I have a lot of big projects I'm plotting and working on; which while fun isn't fun at the same time; so I just want some easy writing that's light and simple. How are you though?

Everyone seems to be desiring more of the Crime Lord AU, so I think I'll fill that one in first. But I'll possibly add more to Scandal later today.

Tailgating...

Raven didn’t fully know what to expect, she had dressed warm, sent a pin to Jay for her location in the parkinglot for tailgating, she had texted Vic this morning to wish him luck. Texted her moms, and messaged Jessica just to be safe. She was surprised when she saw a truck pull up, and Jason appeared. He was dressed warm, and gave her a crooked smile.

“Hey little bird,” he greeted.

“Hey Jay!” she smiled; relief swamping her at his appearance. She hadn’t actually expected him to come, she had hoped he would, but getting her expectations up seemed foolish. She didn’t know anything about Jason outside of their morning meet ups.

“Hope you don’t mind, I brought a work friend with me,” he said. Raven raised a brow and turned as she watched a young, tan, bleach blonde; almost surfer like woman walk around the hood of the car. She was Asian, her almond eyes dark and serious, and her face was rather severe; but beautiful.

“I’m always happy to meet your friends!” she smiled brightly as she walked over to the pair.

“This is Artemis, Artemis, this is Rae,” Jason said.

“A pleasure to meet you!” Raven offered her hand. Artemis seemed startled for a minute, blinking a few times before she accepted.

“A pleasure to meet the girl who puts the bossman in a good mood,” Artemis smiled.

“Jay’s been a great friend!” Raven chuckled honestly. “What do you do for work?”

“I help Jay manage the import, export business, I’m his… manager, I guess.”

“That must be interesting work,” Raven decided honestly.

“It has it’s moments,” Artemis smiled slyly. “What about you, Jay mentioned you’re a writer? What do you write?”

“I’m a struggling novelist, but when I’m not I’m a technical writer, and copywriter, and I help out my friends on their comic business, the Oa adventure comics, Kyle and Jess love having my help.”

“Busy woman,” Artemis decided.

“If you ladies are done yacking, I need some help,” Jason barked.

“Awe… but I thought you were a strong, independent man, Jay!” Artemis teased.

“Arty, if you call me Jay again, I will fire your ass and make you work for Dickhead, he needs a new assistant,” Jason threatened.

“You would never!” Artemis balked.

“Try me,” he growled menacingly. Artemis rolled her eyes before scrambling up into the tailgate.

“You should be nicer to your friends, Jay,” Raven said softly.

“Oh… I’d never fire her, she knows where all the bodies are buried and I’d never inflict the cruelty of working for my brother on her, but she knows better than to call me Jay.”

“You don’t like being called Jay?” she asked.

“I don’t mind you calling me Jay, but she shouldn’t,” Jason explained.

“Huh, well, if you don’t want to be called Jay, I can call you Jason?”

“Little bird, I don’t mind being called Jay, by you, Artemis though should not call me Jay because I am her boss, friend or not, I’m her boss,” he reiterated. “I’m not however your boss, so you can call me Jay.”

“Okay, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.”

~~~*~*~*~~~

Whatever Jason was expecting of his civilian time with Rae, and her family, it wasn’t nearly what he got. If anything, it was better than he had ever hoped for. Raven’s mothers were both brilliant, exuberant, and slightly crazy. The tailgate was fun, Artemis ran security for the day, watching over Raven for him, not that Jason ever stopped watching out for her.

The game was just as much fun, which was surprising; Harley and Ivy were proud mothers, shouting and cheering at the top of the lungs. More than once Jason had to stop Harley from getting in a fight with rival team fans. Raven was keeping Ivy out of fights too. Between the moms, the fans, the crowd atmosphere, it was a lot of fun. Victor Stone’s team won, the victory was great, and Raven was bouncing up and down as she cheered.

After the game, and parting with Raven and her family, Jason waved off Artemis as he walked into the city. The ringing of his phone had him sighing as he answered.

“Jason,” B’s voice was heavy and tired.

“I’m still looking, the records in Germany are a mess; with the wall falling and the time frame, Arella pulled a disappearing act. I’ve found records of adoptions in Germany, Poland, and Switzerland, women fitting Arella’s description, but those are mostly sealed and before digital records. I can’t seem to find anything concrete though,” Jason filled in.

“So what are you planning now?”

“I’m going to head over there, start in Switzerland, then move to Germany, and Poland, I might check in Austria, Arella’s life in Germany was wide spread. Morningstar’s records aren’t complete, so I think I need boots on the ground,” he admitted.

“I see.”

“I’ll call when I find something, I’ll arrange for Artemis to run the NYC branch, and close out my accounts here. Athanasia might come with me, I’ll work out details later.”

“Understood. And today, were you at the game?”

“Huh?”

“I saw you, on the television with a girl,” B’s voice was… Jason had never heard that tone in B’s voice before.

“Not whatever you’re thinking, and leave her alone, alone-alone, B, she’s a civilian,” Jason cut off firmly. Of all the things they did in their line of work, the Bats left the civilians out of it. Raven was a civilian.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Jason answered honestly. “Leave her alone, B, and don’t dig into her. She’s a friend.”

“We have no friends Jason. We have family and enemies and allies and subordinates.”

“I know, but she’s not any of those, and leave her be,” Jason hung up his phone as he headed for his apartment. He didn’t want B digging into Rae, she was inconsequentially important to him in just about every way that mattered outside of his life and world. He didn’t want B to drag her into their world because he couldn’t leave well enough alone.

#bluboothalassophile #dc fanfic #jason todd #raven roth #raven #jayrae #redrae #raex #crime lord au

[teatimewithtana]

☾₊‧ Writerblr Introduction + WIP Links ・*・゜ °。*・

Hey #Writeblr community!✍🏻

I've never actually introduced myself on here. I've had this account for a very long time, but have never really been on here much. I want to change that, as I love how this is the "hide-away corner" of the internet of the social medias. Sorry my username is not exactly a writerly online-handle, but nevertheless—I write!

But anyway, hiya!👋🏻 My Generals:

> My name is Tana! > My Website : home to my blog, The Blue Label, and links to all my finished books. You'll find all things about me here, as well as a hidden surprise you'll have to click around to find! 😉 > My Instagram : full of tea-time aesthetic! Tea parties, finger-food-delights, and books?! And you're invited! > My Pinterest : helpful and aesthetic boards for writers and booklovers alike! Here, you'll find tips, tricks, art, memes, and heavenly inspired, hand-picked-with-you-in-mind aesthetic image pieces 💛 also aesthetic boards for my geeky fandoms and my WIPs. > My TikTok : full of my writerly dilemmas in the silliest, over-the-top, and most irrational of manners in under ten minutes, as well as exclusive content to my research adventures for my WIPs 🤪 Laugh at that quirky, writer drama with me! > My Vintage Shop : a place where elegance and the divine are stuck in time 🫦 one of my many hobbies—and most favorite!—is antique/thrift shopping for those one-of-kind French, vintage pieces to add to a space begging to be adorned with shiny, classy, sassy beauty. Who doesn't want to feel stuck out of time? Even if just for a little bit. > Always up for Ask and Tag Games! 💞

What I’m Writing: (cont. under the read more) 💜

Main WIPs:

> The Afterlife Chronicles (T.A.C.) : is a YA Fantasy series currently in the first draft and research stages about two paranormal-investigating besties with spiritual gifts that stumble upon the same ghost trail as a famous reality-tv paranormal crew. They join forces to take down the unexplainable and impossible supernatural activities going bump in the sleepless nights of an otherwise quiet cattle ranch. As the investigation unfolds, so do the secrets. About the spirits that haunt it, and about some of the investigators themselves.👻 Overall, the series will involve ghosts (spirits), angels and demons. > the girl who walks alone : a new collection of poems following the rise and fall of my twenties / trail-blazing behind my first published poetry book, WALLFLOWERS BURN WILD, a reflection of my past with my ex of five years. It is nothing more than pure rage and slam poetry, sprinkled with optimism and slivers of hope. A lot of my poetry reflects mental health, self-esteem, and personality issues. Plus many more. * My stories all focus on the themes of healthy and unhealthy family relationships, found family/friendship, overly complex socio/political/religious/magical conflicts, betrayal, revenge, second chances, and forgiveness, w/ romance and hopepunk happy endings even if it’s a dark situation.

Smaller projects on the back burner that you might hear me talk about from time to time:

> Tea Time with Tana : a podcast I've been dreaming about for half a decade, but haven't had the means or opportunity. . . until now! I will be starting it soon, as it is tailored to four main topics (but obviously not limited to them): Writing, books, tea, and vintage. Geek-talk will also be a big contributor, as I, myself, am a giant nerd for Scooby-Doo, Powerpuff Girls, anything written by Meg Cabot, and literally so much more! 😂 Once I start it, I'll provide the link in this post! > The Wiccan : a stand-alone novel I've written bits and pieces of that was originally going to be a true witch story. But now will be part of my T.A.C. universe. This will be the origin story of my Chronicles MC's ancestry line, in which so-many-great grandmothers ago, MC of The Wiccan struggles with her spiritual gift in the midst of the 1630s in Plymouth Colony, Massachusetts, where being even the slightest bit individualistic is lethal. A lot of re-researching and rewrites to be involved, but I'm very excited about this piece as well! 🙈 > Love Games, No One Like Alex, and other possible stories : you may hear me mention these other titles as they are back-burner WIPs that I haven't actually written yet but have toyed with the ideas for years and really want to make happen. Attention is minimal, but I can't help plotting, because that's just my mind. 😅

Other Stuff About Me: 

> Full Sail University BFA undergrad in Creative Writing 👩🏼‍🎓 > As I stated before, I'm a giant Geek! 🤓 But not just in fandoms to do with the fictional world, but also I'm really into art, history, and architecture! Interior and exterior design, just all things beauty. Visually and intellectually. 🥴 > I'm a spiritual Christian! Though I'm new on my walk with Christ, I'm excited for where he will take me throughout the course of my journey in this life and what it is I am to learn before I come home. My current WIP, The Afterlife Chronicles, has helped me find Jesus, which has made writing this series all the more special. 💗 Please feel welcome here, as I love everyone and am open to any and all compassionate conversations! > I'm a Swiftie, loud and proud! 💘 > Mega-lover of grilled-cheese, carbs, cats, and soups! * No politics or current events allowed 🚫 there's enough noise outside Tumblr, let's keep this space safe.

Thank you so much for stopping here! I love you all 🤍

#writeblr #writeblr community #writeblr introduction #about this blog #about me #my writing #ghost story #romance writer #paranormal fantasy #fantasy writer #ya fiction #contemporary romance #writers on tumblr #women writers #writer things #writerscommunity

[iamthecomet]

Hey com how’ve you been? It’s been a while since I’ve rambled but do you have any new projects that’s not writing? Or isssss writing?

I’ve just moved into my apartment for my senior year in college and I have so many mixed feelings and emotions. I love being on my own and experiencing new things but I actually spent the summer at home and I’m suchhh a homebody that it takes a while to get comfortable in a new place. BUT I’m going to push through AND I’m going to attempt to go out and do more, last year I was struggling w some bad feelings and so much anxiety that I barely left my room, only to go to class. But the roommates I have are real good, and kind ppl and I’m sure they’ll help me.

But it’s my LAST YEAR and I’ll have my bachelor’s degree! Then I’ll start my masters:)) I’m really just excited to prove a wholeee lot of people wrong😈

Much love🖤

Hi Mo! Congrats on it being your senior year. You've GOT this (and your master's after it). I'm glad you've got good roommates who will help get you out and take care of you. I didn't socialize AT ALL in college (too much anxiety) so I get it. I'm glad you've got good people to help you out, that always makes it a lot better. My Junior year was my favorite because I had some of those people (finally). Writing has been kind of hard lately. But I have some stuff in my WIPS that I'm excited about (Raindrop murder ghouls featuring very vengeful/protective Dewdrop). And some prompts that make me INSANE to even look at that I'd love to find the words for. And just some general ideas rattling around in my head that haven't taken full shape yet (glory holes in confessionals. strange sex rituals. Swiss/Dew long fic). And, as always 650 craft projects at once. I'm also trying to work on an original thing for a writing group I'm a part of, but that is not going super well. I am very distracted. My rituals are next weekend, and I'm spending time with family in RI before that, so my brain is focused on literally nothing else. So maybe in ten days my head will be screwed on straight again (we can only hope). I'm so happy to hear from you. I'm so glad things are going well and you're exciting. I know I already said this, but YOU'VE GOT THIS. And you are going to prove every single one of those people wrong! ♥♥

#comet comments #mo

[sojournerstales]

Belle's 2022 Wrap-Up Thingie.

Hello! I've been quiet on here lately, equal parts due to a new fixation and simply that a lot of my output has been spread across a bunch of different Works-In-Progress as opposed to focusing on finishing just one.

I don't think I'm procrastinating. I think the days are short and cold and these are not conditions in which I am the most productive, so I do what I can, work on things that don't have the pressure of polish, of showing and telling.

Still, that doesn't mean I can't have doubts over how much I'm getting done, how much I've written, so I'm doing this post to take stock of what I did get finished this year and maybe some quick thoughts on them.

If you're a writer and we follow each other maybe this'd be a fun thing for you to do too! (Or don't, I'm not a cop.)

Also some of this stuff won't be in any particular order as memory is fake, timelines don't matter.

SOJOURNER'S TALES, VOLUME 1: WE FEEL AT NIGHT.

5,200 words.

So I released We Feel At Night at around April time, it was the first project I put up on itch dot io and was a bit of an experiment as to whether that would be a format I enjoy. Each story was originally released on a single Carrd, hosted only until the next one was finished. Something a little eerie, a little ephemeral.

The stories within are In The Dark We Look Like Monsters, All I Am Is An Alley Cat, and Late Night Make-Out Sessions, along with I, II, III, IV and an Epilogue.

In The Dark We Look Like Monsters is a moody little look at the night-time rituals of a group of neighbours who all struggle with sleep, and the passing headlights of a car lost on their street. It has a guest appearance from Jackie, ostensibly my mainstay OC who is in a bunch of stuff I write. I think this is a really nice piece? It's about touching someone's life without ever knowing it at all. It's about freaking yourself at night with the shadows in your house.

All I Am Is An Alley Cat is probably everyone's favourite of the bunch, it seemed to touch a lot of people with its shapeshifting genderfreak main character. Alley Cat is a cool dude, guy, girl, creature who doesn't know what they want for themselves, and only just knows what others want from them, and they change themselves to fulfil those desires and to feel a little something. I'm really proud of this one.

Late Night Make-Out Sessions is the longest of this collection - though it is a short collection. It was important to me here to include a non-monster/creature/supernatural non-binary character. I so often write about non-human characters, like Alley Cat, and I didn't want to just relegate any non-binary character I write into the stereotypical shapeshifter, or alien, or robot. The story isn't really about gender, it's about making a friend who is so much braver than you, knows so much more than you, who teaches you strange rituals to reconcile horrible, unfixable memories. It's also about kissing in the dark.

I, II, III, IV are a series of personal ghost stories, each one appearing between the stories above to act as a little breather. They detail my personal, limited experience with ghosts. No, that's not strictly accurate; The stories are me detailing my personal thoughts on ghosts as I try to deal with the loss of my mother, the woman who has me believing in this stuff, the woman who got me into horror. I miss her a lot.

And the Epilogue is just a personal essay about my motivation to put the collection together, what themes I'd hoped to achieve, meeting strangers at night who showed me concern and made me realize that the way the world perceives me has changed. It's thoughts on trans success, I suppose.

A SERIES OF ROOMS

Some amount of words.

So some time after finishing Volume 1 I become enamoured with liminal spaces. I've always been into the quiet eeriness of the backrooms, or empty shopping centres, or roads at night, and I always see these things limited to a creepy, visual medium. I wanted to translate the eeriness of the backrooms into prose, and so what we have here as an experimental exploration of the backrooms. It's best viewed on desktop devices, I never tested the layout for mobile.

It's short, sweet, creepy, and I really dig what I made here.

SOJOURNER'S TALES, VOLUME 2: PARTICULAR MOMENTS IN VAGUE PLACES

11,000 words. Give or take.

So I published this around August time, it's a continuation of my fascination with liminal spaces, but here I marry the eerie horror of them with queer romance - my favourite flavour of horror. The idea I wanted to hit on is that I've always found the typical liminal space comforting. I've fallen in love in an airport, I've snoozed comfortably in the back of a car rattling around dark country roads, and there are so many places I'd love to be alone with a friend in.

I also did something with the titles of the stories here that works best if I write the chapter list out:

(What if-)

Waiting For D5

(-we kissed-)

On Sundays +1

(-between-)

Just Off The A48

(-the walls?)

(What if we kissed between the walls?) is a series of bumper-stories that again act as a breather between each story, and they detail a couple getting lost in the backrooms, this is where I lay the imagery on the thickest of impossible spaces, yellow halls, chlorinated pools. It's all alright, they have each other, these are great make-out spots.

Waiting For D5 is my love-letter to Birmingham airport. Or a love-letter to my partner. We started long distance, but that was okay because the flight was quick and I enjoyed the romance of Burger King at 5AM waiting for my gate to open. It's about travelling together, it's about being about to travel together. These stories are about liminal spaces, but they're also about liminal states of mind, states of being. Waiting For D5 is about holding onto that moment between where you were and where you are going and getting to share that moment with someone you love.

On Sundays +1 was the toughest to write of the bunch. Not emotionally or anything like that, I just struggled with the presentation and plot the most. It's about a girl who keeps waking up on an extra day that exists between Sunday and Monday, and only one other person is experiencing that with her. Together they explore and abandoned version of their hometown, getting to know each other totally separated from the realities of the world, from other people. Like their own private chat. It's about making friends online, in undefined spaces, and the anticipation of bringing that into the real world. It's also about all the transmasculine people in my life who I so often fall madly, platonically in-like with. I adore them all. On Sundays +1 is for them.

Just Off The A48 started off as a complicated beast. It was going to be about this pub in the countryside that every now and then is visited by someone who has just recently died. It was going to be about hitting it off with a woman at the bar and going to bed with her and refusing to turn around the following morning just in case she was gone, just in case she was never there to begin with. I tried so hard to make that story work but everything about it needed way more space than I was willing to give - I wanted each story to match the other in length, so instead I wrote something complete different that fleshes out the ideas of the Volume so much better. Instead JOTA48 completes the triumvirate: Liminal spaces with a romantic partner. Liminal spaces with a friend. Liminal spaces with a stranger. I once again get to introduce Jackie to one of my collections, and this time she helps a frustrated teenager get their car unstuck from a muddy ditch in the road. It's more than that, it's no more than that, it's being in the right place at the right time.

THE LONG FINGERS

I wanna say like 5k words?

Oh boy, The Long Fingers. I wanted to write something scary for October. I finished this in November. That's how it always goes! It's okay, I still managed to write something scary. I remember fretting over whether it was super boring, sending it to a friend who I rely on so often for test-reading, and being sent back:

"Jesus Christ, Belle."

The Long Fingers is about a shame spiral, it's about depression, it's about letting your hygiene slip, your house fall into disarray and mess, and being unable to ask for help because what if they judge you?

Shame is a long fingered thing, and as dire as this story is it is not meant to be without hope, it is meant to be a cautionary tale.

Fun fact! I still get nervous when I take the trash out at home because I based the apartment building in this story on my own home and I scared myself with it! Even so, I'm extremely proud of this work. I made something scary and meaningful and freaked a bunch of my friends out.

It's one of the last things I finished before winter came on strong and my productivity slowed down, I hope to finish a couple of other similarly themed stories to release as Volume 3: Siren Songs, but we shall see about that!

THE OBLITERATION PIT

Maybe 1,5k words?

This one was scary to post, but I wanted to post it. I wanted to post something to affirm that hello I am a lesbian trans writer, which is a shallow reason for posting something so personal I know. I just wanted to get off my chest some thoughts about dysphoria, non-physical dysphoria, the sort of dysphoria you feel in your heart and your brainstem and the bottomless pit in your stomach.

I'm doing good though.

THE WORKS IN PROGRESS

There are so many text files, I'unno like 4-5k words among them?

Between Volume 1 and The Long Fingers I have a whole bunch of things that aren't yet finished, that are only just conceptualized, that have half a chapter written and saved.

There is HERO-99, TRANSGENDER SCI-FI ACTION, a sort-of riff on the vibes of action cartoons aimed at teens, centered around a canonically transgender super-heroine in a cyberpunk city, DIY'ing her hormones and fighting against an evil scientist (and capitalism). I've been structuring this around the idea of lost episodes of a cancelled TV-show before it ever left production and have written the pilot, half of episode 3, and the first half of the finale. Will this ever see the light of day? Probably not. I'm writing this for me. It's so indulgent.

THE KNIGHTS ERRANT, my foray into sword'n'board fantasy writing. I've made a good start on it, motivated by a friend who is desperate for some good dark fantasy that isn't so, y'know, like that. This one probably will see the light of day!

ISTE BY THE SEA, hopefully this will be a part of Siren Songs, and I'm going to remain relatively tight-lipped as I'm likely to finish this within the next couple months.

FANFICTION. Nothing too exciting, just pornography and maybe a little something for Vi League Of Legends because watching Arcane has filled me with that classic spite-fuel. (I won't get into it here. I WON'T get into it here.) Oh, and some Warframe fanfiction too. Don't get me started on Warframe, I owe it my life and more.

There's probably one or two things I'm missing. I haven't mentioned A WARM FIELD or KALIEDOHOUSE because I haven't committed anything to a text document for them yet (though I do have some scenes and chapters handwritten in my notebook, I highly encourage this habit of scrawling some things out somewhere they can't be backspace'd). Taking stock of everything makes me realize I've had a good year for my writing. I got burnt out a little bit after I finished my book - BY THE WAY I FINISHED MY BOOK A WHILE BACK - and so it's feeling good to be back in the saddle and not crunching.

I'm still shopping around GIRLS AND GHOSTS to various publishers, but it's hard to find someone willing to bite on a first-time-author of a weird queer-horror-romance-anthology. It'll happen someday, I'm sure of it. It's a really good book.

Thanks for reading!

#writeblr #taking stock #2022 wrap up thingie #my year in writing #original fiction #short stories #prose #personal essay

[polizwrites]

WIP Update - 14 Dec 2022

Had another nicely productive writing week  - I touched 10 fics (4 WIPs & 6 new works) for a total of  2414 words. 

On Ao3, I posted  I posted  an AmeriHawk (Clint/Steve) hookup (fade to black) fic,  a BruceNat ficlet based on their A:AoU farmhouse scene,  a Clint/Thor internal monologue drabble and  an elf!Tony &elf-Steve Christmas fluff teamup.

On Tumblr, I posted a Steve & Bucky post CA:CW ficlet for last week’s Flash Fiction Friday prompt: #FFF180 Promise You’ll Write.

Am up to 15 active WIPs  (with a couple of maybe TBCs)  with my current   deadline being  the  Avengers Bingo, with  Man with a Plan and  Starkbucks and coming in close behind!  

See below cut for the WIPs  (arranged more or less by bingos/challenges/etc) I am working on  -   feel free to send me prompts or plot bunnies as well as asks regarding any of these projects   (or any other WIPs I’ve got out there) – they really help feed the Muse and keep me motivated!

Avengers Bingo [AvB] (Runs thru 24 Dec )

Fourteen fills posted (13 to Ao3)  and 0 WIPs -  Everything is written!!!  I just need to edit and post to get my blackout on this 4x4 card!!! I decided to further challenge myself on this 16-square card by pairing up each square with a unique combo of 2 original MCU Avengers, with the final square being dealers’ choice.  With the help of the STB Enthusiasts Discord folks - I’ve got all 16 squares  planned out, at least in terms of who to write about, and half of them have some sort of idea or crossover square to go along with them. Feel free to toss other plot  bunnies my way…  

* B3 - Road Trip  -  Wrote up and posted  Sailing Toward a New Horizon  to Tumblr.  It’s a Thor & Bruce post-Ragnarok ficlet  that also filled a Flash Fiction Friday prompt [#FFF177 Expand Through Horizons]   Scheduled for Ao3 on 12/19.

* B4 - Age Gap    - Finished up Caught By the Rain and Blinded by the Lightning - a Thor/Tony  post CA:CW  PWP crossing over with TSB One Night Stand. It came in at  1256 words & is scheduled for Ao3 on 12/23. 

* C1 - Opposites Attract - Clint/Thor  - Posted  Nothing Like Him  this morning - an introspective Clint POV drabble.   I really struggled with this one. Last weekend, I wrote about 200 words based on the Tumblr  headcanon going around about a Bumbling Foreigner whose ignorance of  local customs  results in him flirting with/proposing to the prince - but it didn’t jell.   Tried a moodboard, but wasn’t happy with that either.  Finally approached the prompt from a different angle and ended up with what’s linked above.

* D1 - Friends w/ Benefits  - Clint/Steve - posted Aiming for the Stars on Friday - an AmeriHawk post-mission fic where heavy flirting leads to a fade to black hookup. It’s crossing over with my MWAPB Hawkeye/Clint Barton and came in at 720 words.  I may continue it if/when I have the smut spoons.

* D2 - Romeo & Juliet AU  -  wrote up  Two Friend Groups: Alike in Dignity -  Steve (jock) & Tony  (geek) trying out for title roles in R&J - despite their respective friend groups objections/grousing about the other clique. It came in at 327 words and will post on 12/21.

* D3 - Bed Sharing  -  posted Finding Refuge on Ao3 on Monday -  it’s a  Natasha/Bruce fic that is Age of Ultron based (divergent) and also fills the Comfortember Day 16 prompt: Shelter.

Man With a Plan (Steve Rogers) Bingo [MWAPB] (Runs thru 31 Dec)

Fifteen fills, 3 WIPs and several Vague Ideas/potential cross fills with other bingos.  Since the event was pretty much abandoned by its creator (life happens, I get it),  I’m finishing this pretty much out of stubbornness and may carry some squares over for inspiration into the new year.

* I1 - Steve is here for TFAtWS  - I’ve got Passing the Torch pretty much sorted out - a moodboard for this square paired with a ficlet for  my  BBB  “Oh, hell no"  square - Bucky POV (with some extra insider info) of the events where Sam is given Cap’s shield.   It’s scheduled for 12/21 with the fic coming in at 339 words.

* G4 - Canon Divergence post CA:TWS - possible  crossover with BBB  Kill List – Bucky wreaking havoc on Hydra bases and  Steve & Sam catch up with him. Not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so probably won’t get done.

* G5 - Friends to Lovers -  possibly combine this with my BBB Free & Stucky Mutual Pining  square for the Centerfold fic idea I’ve been rolling around = min 950 words if I finish it before this bingo (lower priority)

*  O2 - Sex Pollen  -  A Dusting of Trouble  is pretty much wrapped up - Steve and Bucky get curious when they learn Teenage Groot’s pollen is an aphrodisiac. It crosses over with my SRB  - Groot square, is currently sitting at 505 words, and scheduled for  12/16.   If I’m feeling feisty, I may add another scene/200-ish more words so it crosses over with BBB KINK:Aftercare square  (and goes Stuckony)

* O3 - Hawkeye/Clint Barton  -  see AvB - Friends w/ Benefits  above.

* O5 - FREE - Filling this with one of the following: --  Badges for this bingo based on photos of my Steve Rogers SWC figures - participant, bingo and blackout.  If I have spare time before Friday.   

-- Chapter 1 of   Never Have I Ever (But I’d Like to With You) -  a pining!Steve POV of the team playing NHIE where he manages to get one over on Tony. It’s scheduled for  12/16 and is coming in at 995 words.

StarkBucks Bingo - Round 3  (SBB_R3) - Ends 31 Dec

Thirteen fills (11 posted to Ao3), 3 WIPs and several Vague Ideas - soliciting plot bunnies or other kick-starters.

* B1 - “I wouldn’t mind wasting my time on you.“  - Possible crossover with  BBB - KINK: Seduction Mission?   Not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so probably won’t get done.

* I2 - Mistaken Identity - crossover with TSB K5 - Protectiveness -  “The Mechanic, The Soldier & The Artist” - mob/assassin AU with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith twist?   Not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so probably won’t get done. 

* I3 - “Oh dear.” -  Wrote up a remix ficlet of  Leading Questions - Tony POV on the stressful interview and the immediate aftermath.  It came it at 255 words and is scheduled for 12/21.

* I4 - Canon: Avengers Academy  - will probably do Stuffed Marvels sketches of Tony and Winter, as I know very little about the game/canon.   It’s on my Bingo Attack plan list, but at the bottom, so don’t hold your breath.

* N3 - FREE - Filling this with An Act of Kindness,  a fluffy meet-cute with Tony & Morgan needing a bit of help from the handsome stranger standing in line at the coffee shop.  It’s coming in at 462 words and is scheduled for 12/19. 

* N5 - “Wanna make a bet?”  Used this in combination with the Day 18  Fictober (“I don’t think this is your problem.”)  and Flufftober  (Soulmate AU) prompts for  Marked-Up Soulmarks  - a soulmate AU where Tony discovers he and Steve have something (and someone) in common. I may expand on this before posting it to Ao3 and/or claiming it as an official fill. Currently coming in at 418 words.

* G4 - Pepper Potts -  continue  Open Up Your Heart (And Let the Truth Come Out) - Tony POV?  This is on my Bingo Attack plan list, but at the bottom, so don’t hold your breath. 

* O1 - Royalty - crossover with TSB - IronWidow  &  BBB   AU: Arranged Marriage -  pick Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion  back up - the current chapter is sitting at 595 words and would need to be 800 min to fill all 3 squares.   It may not make this bingo’s deadline, but possibly BBB?    

* O5 - AU: Biker  - Grease 2  fusion  anyone?  😁  I watched the movie a month or so ago and took notes -  It’s not gonna be a faithful adaptation, but hopefully fun - had another mini-brainstorm on this  that led to last Friday’s  No Ordinary Boy ficlet, but that didn’t go far enough into the  story to count toward this square.   Will post this ficlet on 12/26 with the faint hope of getting more done before the deadline, but it’s  not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so don’t hold your breath.!

Hero Hardships Bingo  [HHB]  (Runs thru 31 Dec)

Not really expecting to get anything more done on this card, unfortunately.  😔

* O3 - Dating a civilian -  this would fit perfectly with another chapter of Takin’ What They’re Givin’ (‘Cause I’m Workin’ for a Livin’) , for which I currently have a basic plot point or two rolling around in my head.   I do have about 1000 words on what would be the next chapter of TWTG, so… maybe I’ll whip it into shape and toss it out there? :: shrug::

Bucky Barnes Bingo - Round 4 [BBB_R4] (Runs thru 7 Jan 2023)

Fourteen fills,  four WIPs  & ideas for everything except one square  - Working on a Column B bingo to start.

* B3 - Sam Wilson|Falcon - started a continuation of After One Or Two False Starts   this morning - switching to Bucky POV - currently sitting at 241 words.  Will probably keep it on the short side since am pressed for time - targeting 1/6 to post it. 

* U2 - AU: Roommate  - Still wanting to use the Meet Ugly prompt: 02. I bought a house three months ago but I’m finally moving in and discover you’ve been squatting because you’re homeless    – probably WinterHawk with  recovering!Bucky being the squatter in Clint’s apartment building.  However, this is not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so don’t hold your breath.

* U4 - AU: Arranged Marriage - will probably pick Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion  back up for this one.  See SBB Royalty for details.

* U5 - Kill List -  see MWAP  - G4 - Canon Divergence.  Post CA:TWS above

* C2 - “Oh, hell no” -see MWAP I1 - Steve is here for TFaWS

*C3 - Free - this is still up for grabs - I will probably combine with one of the following SBB squares:  I4 - Canon: Avengers Academy,   G4 - Pepper Potts  or  O5 - AU: Biker

* C4 - KINK: Aftercare -  see MWAP O2 - Sex Pollen

*C5 - “This might as well happen” -  Used this for the Sept BBB Round Robin  (crackfic - Emperor’s New Groove inspired)  wrote 276 words toward it.  Need to get a mod ruling on whether I get to count it or not sometime soon so I have time to try to re-fill it if needed.  

* K1 - Thighs - I have a couple ideas for this…  Sam +Steve+Bucky shenanigans (platonic or romantic - not sure)  Possibly crossover with MWAPB Online Shopping if I can get it done/meet the word minimum (650 for both)

* K3 - KINK: Edging  - working on Hanging By A Moment -   (Bucky POV with toy play and Tony as a power bottom)  crossing over  with  TSB   K3 - KINK: Orgasm Denial/Edging  - - currently 390 words (550 minimum needed)  It’s all plotted out in my head  - I just need to find the time & motivation to finish.

* Y2 - Never the fall that kills you -  this might be the title for a reverse hanahaki WinterIron prompt from @lacrimula-falsa ….   but is not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so don’t hold your breath.

* Y4 - KINK: Seduction Mission - crossover with SBB - B1 - “I wouldn’t mind wasting my time on you.”   Not on my Bingo Attack plan list, so probably won’t get done.

Steve Rogers Bingo - Round 2  (SRB_R2) - Ends 31 Jan

Fourteen fills posted with 1 bingo (Row 3)   & 2 WIPs at the moment   – aiming for 2 or 3 more bingos --  happily accepting plot bunnies! 

* A1 - Never Have I Ever -  see   MWAPB  FREE above.  

* A4 - Touch Attention/Denial  - I have an idea for this that will also fill (heh) my Stucky Bingo  KINK - Double Penetration square.

* B2 - Mile High Club -  This will be the second chapter of Never Have I Ever (But I Want To With You), picking up with Tony’s POV after the events of Chapter One. Rolling some things around in my head, but other projects are taking priority.   Possibly combine with TSB  Tony’s Poor Life Choices ?

* C4 - Groot - crossover with  MWAPB Sex Pollen - see above.

* E2 - Comics Nomad Steve  - SWC sketch of Nomad!Steve

* E4 - Mental Bondage - crossover with TSB KINK: Concubine -  Potential Title My Voice The Chain that Binds You

Tony Stark Bingo - Round 6  (TSB_R6)  [Ends 28 Feb]

Fifteen fills and three WIPs at the moment -    with  Vague Ideas for almost every other square.  

* T1 - One Night Stand - see AvB - B4 - Age Gap

* T2 - Doing Groceries - crossover with MWAP B3 - Farmer’s Market  - if I can bang out a  drabble/moodboard in time, otherwise will find something else to do with this.

* T3 - Pepper Potts/Rescue -  some sort of remix of/inspired by sabrecmc’s  Indecent Proposal  from Pepper’s POV.  At this point, I think I need to re-read the fic & take notes …  

* T4 - KINK: Concubine - see   SRB  E4 - Mental Bondage?  

*A5 - Scott Lang  - 27dragons shared an interesting plot bunny during the Sept TSB Discord party that I may end up using; that or a follow up to A Piece of the Action

* R1 - Tony’s Poor Life Choices - see SRB Mile High Club above.  

* R2 - IronWidow -  next chapter of Lady Natasha’s Consort and Lord Steve’s Companion ?  see  SBB Royalty above

* R4 - Occupational Hazard -  posted  I Make Toys (But I’ve Got Aspirations) this morning - it’s a  ficlet where Tony & Steve are Santa’s elves  who hatch a plan to help kids who need something more than toys for Christmas and came in at 351 words.

* K2 - Secret Admirer -  carried this over from last round so I could try my hand a remix of Seeds of Love  (WinterIron hanahaki fic by the super-talented @hddnone).  Potential title:  Wraps Around My Heart, Refusing to Unwind

* K3 - KINK: Orgasm Denial/Edging -  see BBB KINK: Edging 

Stucky Bingo Round Four [SB_R4] (Ends 31 May 2023

Seven fills and one WIPs with a couple of other vague ideas.

* B1 - Mutual Pining - possible crossover with MWAPB - Friends to Lovers

* B4 - Artist/Muse - posted  A Work of Heart to Tumblr  on 10/29.  It came in at  at 650 words and filled Day 29 of   Fictober (”You love this, don’t you?”) , Flufftober (Leaves) and Whumptober (”Better me than you.”)  Coming to Ao3 on 12/28

* B5 - KINK: Double Penetration - see SRB   Touch Attention/Denial  above.

* O4 - AU: Supernatural - got inspired by a dream to start a Stucky fantasy AU (magician!Steve/ensorcelled!Bucky) that @bill-longbow  is collaborating on with me.  This was supposed to fill my Man with a Plan Bingo Soulmates square, but I ran out of time on that bingo.   We’re currently sitting at 1640 words  (984-ish of which are mine).   Will probably continue on this sometime in January.   Current Last Line:  "My men will accompany you back to Brookline in the morning.”

I also adopted the Writing Format: Remix one of your fics  square  – am thinking of taking one of my Stony or WinterIron  No Powers fics and adapting it to a Stucky pairing – if you have any requests - hit me up!  

WinterIron - No Powers AU  –  Stony No Powers AU

————

On other creative fronts:  I have a Sventoonie figure in progress -  still working on the figures for my three Marvel Trumps Hate  auction winners (3 of 7 done so far) – thanks so much for your generous support!!  Finally, I am prepping for a superhero con in March - so am pretty well booked up through at least the end of the year.

That said, if you’re looking for one of a kind gifts for birthdays or other celebrations in 2023, check  out Stuffed With Character   over on Facebook for a full list of my designs (now over 80!).   They’re  mostly Marvel and monsters, but I have some Star Wars, Star Trek, DC   and Disney figures as well. Plus I love to take custom design  requests  for any fandom!

#writing stuff #WIP Wednesday #WIP Update #Shameless Self Promo

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #3 !! 🌸💗🍥

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ﾟmay 14th 2022 🍧🌺🦩 ⊹ɞ

yawwwwn. hi diary! its 1 am but im writing bebauc i feel liek it ! 💤 🌥

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

today wa s a good day, you known? i id idnt do much bt ,, i neeed ed this saturyda so then tmr i can go wam ham on my homeworks. it wwass soooooo sunny nand iw anted to go for a walk twic but onyl got chanc to go for 1, and i wore a super duper pretty polka dot black dress and i had matchin black polka dot flip flops to go w it ! i wore a stra w hat too when iw ent outside cos ir was so hot out. i felt pretty and also very comfy. i woek eup around 10 as well so im happy baout that because usually i wake up late later hehe. 😝

SEEEE !!! dress n flip flop magch tehehe. this phtoo taken on my walk! 🩰🌟✨

i ha d last night nugget for breakfast n then i had some OJ! ir emember seienf a post tht had “drink som milk or OJ” and usually aft i et breakfas id hav like agua so OJ was new <3

i had a bit of a moment whehr iw d trying to flshh the toluet n then THE FLOORW ENT 💥BOBOB 💥MBO💥 BBOON 💥 BOOOM 💥 n lke rumbled ))): i call my sister hpstair and she tell me to ring mom so then mam say 2 t ur n the water off on it bc mybe she didnt turn it all the way n then it wasnt rumble no more . this cos we got a new toilet n also hav plumbing leak problem , house old !

i made som goodnote schedule for msyelf instead of using google spreadhddeg so this eman that i cna get more productiv again ! i havent done so in 3 months so i thin ktnis is my turning point , yeah, go me ! *imaginary pat*

i spen t some tiw w my ssiter playin project sekai , sims 4 (i revamp her chars, ) walk w my siste routside n found a pretty pink flower , my cat just giving him cuddles n lettinghim enjoy the f reshh air, browose shopping for a teensy bit, listneed to blackspeakz on youtube, made a regressing plylsit, and msootly chilled !

i also played alittleeee bit of roblox and made some softlien clothing ! im proud of msyelf because yesterday my crwiagons werent up to par. i wantned to hangout w my one acquaintance but he wasnt online , so thts ok ! here is what i buot in sims 4 when my ssuter let me use computer when she went sleep,

my othwr cfriend msged me this morning on dizzy n it made merlly happy cos he acc show up in my dream last night )): n it wa sa happy dream , so then for him to send me a dm saying “wakey wakey!” n i see it in the morning , i feel is coincidence ! 😵😮😮

i also feel like agedre n half regressing has helped talk to myself more positively. its very difficult to talk to myself like a friend so when i talk to myself like an encouraging sweet parent, it works. im more softer and i embrace my sensitivity, and i think this in all will help me ! of course i still feel the shame of it not being the norm or still have my negative intrusive thoughts, and i know my intrusive thoughts arent something i can necessarily 'delete' or 'remove,' and are something to tame, though i think agedre is a big baby step towards a healthy coping mechanism, as even so back then my self-talk has never been very positive, and even when i was positive, id beat myself down constantly (and still struggle with this), and that positivity would lean towards toxic. im proud of myself. <3

anyway, i did lot selfcare and followd my goodnote scheduule , and tmr i make to do list for homeworks. tmr i shoul make foods, b productiv, and sleep on time !!!! hav good day diary, muwah muwah 💕

p.s it also rained today ! 🌧🌧🌧

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

#aphrorite.diary #🌸 #sfw agere blog #sfw agere

[greydiminishing]

Jan 20, 2024

Since my last writing about two and a half weeks ago, I've packed up, moved 6 hours away to school, unpacked and moved in, and had a whole week of classes! Well almost whole, it was a 4 day week.

I am doing,, just okay. I am so excited to be back on campus and in school. But I feel super behind since I've failed so many classes previously, and took basically 3 semesters off. I'm essentially a 22 year old 3rd year. I've been a student in this school for five years. I was supposed to graduate this year, but I have two more years left, at minimum. Some of the kids I have classes with were highschool freshmen when I was a college freshman. I feel self consious and ashamed about that.

I also feel like i'm already behind in some classes after only two actual class sessions (tues/thurs and wed/fri classes). I didnt get as much studying done as I would've liked in those five weeks that i time blocked (But getting into time blocking was definitely worth it, thats helping me so much).

I haven't had to do any actual math in TWO YEARS. I celebrated taking the "last math class of my life", completely forgetting that I need to take a calc-based physics class. Now im struggling in class to find the sides of a triangle with sohcahtoa 😭 If i don't glue my eyeballs to khan academy i'm gonna be a wreck trying to integrate and find derivatives.

And one class has an "Assignment 0" which is just downloading and setting up all the software we're gonna be using, and just trying to clone my gitlab repository took me several hours to figure out.

All the deadlines and assignments and quizzes and project dates has my head spinning. One class requires you to upload your notes to the lecture video before every single class (m/w/f class, so 3 times a week), and its something like 10% of your final grade. Idk i just think thats stupid lol. And I can't help but write notes differently when i'm concious of the fact that someone else will be reading them :/

But I will be studying hard, and getting stuff done early as to not fall behind.

That was academics, now onto my roommates.

I was placed in a random campus apartment with 3 other roommates. We each have our own room, but share the living room and kitchen. They're nice and i want to be their friend so bad, but I'm so socially awkward and i don't know how to make friends 😭. The thing is, I'm coming into "their" apartment mid-academic year, and thats only because their other friend moved out for an internship or something, so I got put in the vacant room. They're already a little friendgroup, the three of them plus the friend that moved out which they're still in group chats with. They might've even know each other before living here, they seem pretty close.

They're not intentionally excluding me or anything, but everytime i'm chatting with them it feels so awkward, and when I go back to my room and I can hear their fun conversations finally ignite. They talk about their mutual friends, and their parents, and plans to roadtrip. Then I go back out to fill my water bottle or make tea or something, mostly an excuse to join their conversation, and the conversation goes back to quiet and polite. I know I act the same way around new people as well, so its not their fault, but I dont know what to do, how to get around this. I heard them from my room talking about anime, and I so badly wanted to join them, but I didn't know how to do so naturally without creeping them out like I was eavesdropping their convo the whole time. You can only go fill your waterbottle so many times.

Its already the end of week 1 and i've barely talked to them. I'm afraid if we don't get more friendly soon, as time progresses, we'll get more stuck in the same routine and we'll only be able to be awkward and quiet around each other for the rest of the semester. I want to suggest we order some food tonight and maybe watch a movie, but idk is that weird? To suggest out of nowhere and not really knowing them? And theres no TV so we'd have to watch on someones laptop. Aughhhh idk. Plus I really need to get started on all this work i already have. Maybe i'll suggest it next weekend.

I'm already planning on making cookies for everyone tomorrow. A freshly baked cookie is the way to friendship, surely?

#journal

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary42

10/19-20/2023

thursday - friday

i saw my friends today, it was nice.

but now it's late and i'm tired again, i went into 2 songs today and i think i made them a lot better though. i should stop saying fixed, cuz i am in a different stage now. there's less wrong, it's more about getting the sounds precisely "there" i guess.

anyways tonight was fun. i saw my friend's band at the same pizza place we ended up at the other night, and i got more free pizza, which makes me feel yucky but whatever, i got to eat enough. this new band i saw tonight was like, they really wanted to be nirvana, pretty funny i guess, hope they do something more interesting in the future they're all obviously capable musicians and stuff. my friend's band played a new song of theirs he was talking about a lot, i really liked it, i think it's one of their best for sure at this point. trying to think, a lot of the time we spent at the pizza place was just kind of standing around and bullshitting. i thought watching my friend about how much i would like to do anything live, i feel like there's some sense i have of time running out in that way, i wonder if everything i want will just fail to materialize, and i'll be a huge failure creatively.

hopefully not.

at my friend's place i messed w/ vcv rack and made horrible noises, and watched him fuck with it, and he made slightly more musical sounds, it's hard to make it really musical, i feel like, so i like just making it do fucked up textural stuff.

maybe tomorrow i should try to just transpose stuff from my note's app into my story, and work on writing more than music, which is proceeding at a fine pace, i can take a break i think, i should do that, and try to figure out what i need to do there to get closer to a draft, i really want that to be finished. i want to finish something. or get to the first finishing of something that will go on for a while. every project goes on so long, my perfectionism maybe leads to more wasted time. it sucks but i can't help it.

i also think i'm psychosomatically making myself feel itchy because i'm paranoid the hotel room had bed bugs even though i sat there and checked and flipped the bed up and everything, and i'm scared my gf's mom's dog gave me fleas too or something. i'm just so scared and uncomfortable, and tomorrow i have to cook and stuff because we got home so late.

and now it's 3 am which is like my bed time now and i should just sleep now so i don't have to struggle or something through all of tomorrow. it will be good to sleep. i also get to work on another collaborative poem tomorrow too. that might be a good warmup for writing. i am going to sit down and really write i think, before i shower, i'll sit there and do it. i might need coffee or something. maybe just tea. i just have to focus. transposing notes out is a good start, and getting things to slot in. ughhgh.

i make everything sound like busywork, it's all just about realizing everything is manageable, nothing is too much trouble, it's not overwhelming, i can do it.

anyways i need to sleep, today was a good day but i'm sitting here thinking myself into being depressed about something and letting all my paranoia make myself feel worse than i really should i think. i don't think i'm allergic to anything in pizza. idk what it could be, what if i have some kind of disease and it kills me. that would be really sad. i will have done nothing with my life.

so like, byebye!!!

[ambitiousblackfeminist]

Take 5 w. Reza Rites

The #AmbitiousBlackFeminist

And 3 AM IS THE NEW BLACK

March 21, 2023

I have a confession to make: despite my grades 7-12 certification, most of my classrooms, and the spaces where I’ve felt the most success as a teacher, are those containing high school students or adults. But over time, as I’ve embraced my silliness and discarded discomfort with my own awkwardness, I’ve gotten better and better with teaching and supporting middle school-aged youth and adolescents. And this is the theme of today’s Take 5 “essay.”

It was day 1 for me this past Saturday, with a group of middle schoolers working on their writing skills, and I left feeling accomplished after the following developments: learning about a young man’s crush; identifying then laughing with my twin (she likes cold beverages and sunsets, like I do, lol); and receiving the honor of several kids showing me their drawings and writing samples. And all of this was within 50 minutes; not too shabby, I’d say!

And let me be crystal clear: I am thoroughly appreciating the difference between teaching in innovative and inclusive spaces vs in classrooms and buildings where I am relentlessly bullied for my creativity and/or sabotaged for developing relationships and teaching responsively. It's been tough. On the other hand, I accept that some of the lessons and victories I've experienced come with the consistent practice and wisdom that happens with aging. More maturity has also meant that I feel more comfortable and fluid with my responsibility to share information and best practices. To that end, below are five approaches that work for me when instructing Middle School youth, and with students in educational spaces, in general (including my current GED classroom).

1) I never just look over a kid’s shoulder or at their screen. I ask first. And if I realize I have looked without asking, I am transparent about the situation, eg. “Sorry, I usually like to ask before I just look at someone's screen. Do you mind if I look over your shoulder or look on?”

2) I remember what it was like when I found academic subject matter difficult, and I channel that while affirming something a student is finding difficult. “Ohhhhh this one is kind of difficult for me too or I can see why it’s tricky. Let’s just both give it our best then check the answer.”

3) Similarly, I model the struggle. “Maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that. It’s frustrating not knowing, but I won't be harmed if I guess wrong, so maybe I’ll pick this one. Maybe. Okay, yes!”

4) I show a skill or technique that works for me, and explain my rationale or process. But then, I make clear that there are different teachers and methods, and that I respect all of them. I invite them to show me an approach or skill that was taught to them - or that they developed. If they come up with a response, I might probe a little further about how they use it or how it helps get through a project or lesson. I usually end by affirming their techniques, and reassuring them it’s not mandatory for them to use the technique I've just shared - or even remember it!

5) I like to put energy into ending a task, and creating a vibe where we as a community work super hard right before reaching a break or dismissal. It's a bit like the sprint at the end of a marathon or long-distance run. I use techniques like talking faster and louder (like an excited coach), setting sequential alarm locks, creating and vocally signalling countdowns (7 minutes left! 4 minutes left!), and other approaches so that it feels fun or competitive to reach the end. This can be especially helpful for the disengaged kiddo. Consider this: if you can convince a student who has been disconnected to join the last 5 minutes before break, hell, that’s five more minutes of learning than what was there before AND it’s something that both student and instructor can build upon. Am I encouraging “participation trophies” with this one? Well I am not against those, but what I am talking about is making progress with the big bad wolves we call Middle Schoolers.

What works for you as far as working with 11-14 year olds and/or teaching in general? Feel free to share a tip or word of advice in the comments. Sunshine and laughter. - Reza Rites

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