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#i am so terrified of encroaching on this community space bc i am terrified im faking this but i havent. told anyone.
burialrite
·
3 years
Text
for the millionth time in my life i am questioning if i have osdd
#YOU WOULD THINK ID FIGURE IT OUT BUT IF I HAVE FRAGMENTS OR ALTERS THEY SURE ARE SOME DODGY MFS
#like. I've been struggling with this since at least my sophomore year of high school
#and the intense dissociative issues have come and gone but there's always been a baseline for it
#i experience periods of distinct dissociation and depersonalization in patterns that can sometimes be recognized as an alter
#i am so terrified of encroaching on this community space bc i am terrified im faking this but i havent. told anyone.
#this is basically me telling everyone but it's not bc im a coward about it
#i just wish i had a name for what happens when i go nonverbal and feel dave hovering at the back or hear jake talking to me its overwhelmin
#i feel names and memories pop into my head that arent recognizable to me
#and i dream increasingly about the same world and the same people and see friends ive never met there but i know and love them
#i worry that its nothing. i worry that this is just me seeking attention and that im just wrong about it and dont know myself or my feeling
#maybe thats true but i so strongly want to understand what may be happening its worth it to ask i guess
#btw disclaimer this is just a vent the emotions/sentiments i express here are only directed toward myself
#i would be so much more certain about this if the events were closer together
#but i think i spend so much time masking that it's ingrained into my outward persona now and i couldnt relax if i wanted to
#which makes it a lot harder to relax enough to think about it and feel out the dissociation instead of shutting myself down
#anyway dave has been around for a long time along with marie
#i started hearing marty's name repeated in my head maybe 4 months ago? it took me til last week to hear it correctly tho
#jake said hi a few nights ago
#again this is so candid i am probably going to delete this
#i just wanted to get it off my chest
#mumblings
#another small note i only experience mild dissociative amnesia which leads me to believe it's not full DID
#especially bc i didnt experience repeated consistent trauma until around 8-10 yrs old which makes it much less likely
#ok bye for real
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