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seichira · 1 year

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even when i’m hard to love.

you can argue that one of the most painful kinds of love there is, is the kind that refuses to be received. loving sanzu haruchiyo has taught you what it is like to adore someone who doesn’t think he deserves the good things in the world.

pairing : haruchiyo sanzu x reader

content : angst with comfort. mutual pining. the usual gang shenanigans. mentions of violence. inappropriate language.

growing up, you were so sure that your life would go according to plan. you will go to school and study hard, get in a prestigious university, graduate with latin honors, get a stable career, meet someone whom you will settle down with, and probably have a family if the tides ever say it’s right.

in hindsight, it was a good plan. it was commendable, and it was understandable how strict they were considering how young you were back when you mapped them all out. it really was a good plan, and you couldn’t have known that not everything would go your way.

sure, things went well for the first few steps. you got good grades and outstanding extracurriculars enough that got you into a university, albeit not your first choice (c’mon, life isn’t that kind). so far, you are still in the running for honors and the connections and experience you have accumulated basically quite assures that you’d have a decent job once you graduate.

but your luck stops there, because you fell in love with sanzu haruchiyo who can’t seem to accept it.

he does to you all the things that a lover would do for their loved one, but he never admits it. he would tip his feet to test the waters but never fully dive in.

you know deep down that he feels the same way, but years into this frenzied relation with him, you’re not so sure anymore. more often than not, you spend your nights soaking your pillows with your tears of unrequited love only to dry them off the next morning. loving haruchiyo has pushed you to do the unimaginable, to modify your plans into something where he would fit—but that is much too difficult.

he is uncontainable. the man you are so ready to give your heart and soul to is so near, but so damn unreachable. you can’t grasp him, you can’t keep him all to yourself because he is running like sand away from your tightened fingers.

you have had to scratch off your dreams of settling down and building a family because the man you’re in love with is… a blur. haruchiyo is a blur.

“what have you been doing, haru?” you ask as you approach the front steps of your dorm’s building, where sanzu was sitting on one of the steps with his head hung low, only looking up at the sound of your familiar footsteps and your voice.

“what do you mean?”

“i mean…” worriedly, you walk nearer and kneel down to level with his face and expect the cuts on it.

your face contorts into your usual expression of worry, and he hates it. he wants to flip a table and break anything on sight just for you to stop doing that expression on him.

“quit it, y/n.” he turns his face away, but you grip his chin gently and he wasn’t necessarily protesting so it was easy to keep him in place for more inspection.

“where did you get these wounds and bruises from, huh? i thought you were at home. did you get yourself into trouble again? do they hurt, haru?”

he glares at you, defensive now that you pointed out his face. he thinks he was stupid to hope that you won’t notice them or make a big deal out of them.

“just got into some stupid fight with frat boys who think they’re the shit. they’re not. you should see how they look. all black-eyed, passed out and shit.”

“them having it worse than you doesn’t make it any better.” you shake your head in disapproval, but you know better than to tell him off for doing what makes him feel alive. for now, you focus on patching him up.

he grins unseriously, “it makes it better.”

you choose to zip your mouth and no longer try to contest him to lessen the risk of having him run away again. “alright, then. i ran out of cotton swabs and antiseptics so i have to bring you to the clinic.”

the way he shoves your hand away from him does not even hurt you physically. the pain shot straight all the way to your chest where you felt it all. the pain of the rejection from him, and him alone.

“h-haru, i…” your voice trembles but you try to keep it all together. “i have to bring you there. i don’t want to leave your wounds overnight without doing anything. you need stitches. p-please. it’ll be quick. if i have to, if the nurse would let me, i would do it myself.”

he hates his scars and that is something you never fail to remember. as much as possible, you treat him fast to alleviate any pain and also… to prevent more scars that would haunt him. but if it’s just your opinion that matters, the scars he has are beautiful and you want to bury them with enough kisses to make him forget how he got them.

“let’s go, please. h-haru.”

meanwhile, you don’t notice the way sanzu shuts his eyes tightly in pure guilt at how you struggle to simply get him on board for his own sake.

“fuckin’ let it go.”

there he goes again, doing what he is best at. pushing you away and asking you not to care when it is obviously too late for that. acting like he’s too good for the love you gladly offer him.

you scoff at his attitude and stand up, leaving him sitting alone on the steps. “how could i let it go? you’re sitting in front of my building all hurt and bruised up and you think i won’t fuss over it?”

all you want to do it touch him. trace your fingertips over the red and purple marks on his face in hopes that the love you have all over you would ease the pain he carries around. hide him in your pockets so no one could ever dare lay a hand on him again.

it’s all so simple. you only wish for so little. is that all too much to ask for? to love him properly?

he looks up to shoot a sharp glare at you. “yeah! exactly! ‘cuz i only wanted some company who doesn’t act my goddamn mother!”

you don’t know it, and even he doesn’t know it, but he was lying. he went here because seeing you is his only comfort, but he doesn’t know that so he has no way of saying it. he went here because he knew exactly how you would react and he’s addicted to how it feels being cared for by you. but again, he doesn’t realize that. he acts on autopilot.

“your mother? really?” you almost spit in offense. even if he either meant it literally or in a sense that cages him, it’s both hurtful. his mother left him the way you never did, and you never meant to smother him to the point of suffocation.

“i don’t even know what you mean by that. i don’t think i want to know. but let me say this to you—if you hate it so much being taken care of, then maybe my company isn’t what you need. i will always worry about you and you want someone who doesn’t. it’s not me who you’re looking for. you don’t want me.“

he does.

god, he does.

but you don’t know it.

and he won’t say it.

he stands up to finally settle in front of you, and the way he towers over you still didn’t fail to dismantle the demons in your stomach despite the situation.

“why’d you care so much for me, hm?” he challenges you smugly, hiding the disdain he has for himself for always putting you in these situations. “come on, pretty girl. tell me why you do all this shit for me.”

a tear escapes your eye and it shakes him to the core. he is taken aback he almost forgot his lines, and for a moment when his mind went blank, he really did.

“why would you cry for someone like me?”

you stupidly and courageously meet his eye.

“don’t act like you don’t know. i have told you so many times before. i tell you all the time.”

of course, he knows that. he just wants to hear you say it again just in case he dies in his sleep tonight.

“i love you, haru. i am in love with you. that’s why. you don’t remember because you don’t want to accept it. tomorrow, you will forget that i love you. tomorrow, when you wake up, you will not know that i worry for you, night and day.”

“you’re fucking stupid,” he says. he means it. you’re stupid for daring to love someone like him. you’re stupid for setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak.

the agreement that follows doesn’t shock him.

“i know.”

sanzu haruchiyo knows about your plans. he knows all about your dreams. he knows about your dream of getting married at the beach right before the sun sets. he knows of your openness to the possibility of having children, or if not, raising corgis with your life partner. he knows, and he wants it to be with him.

but it is exactly because he knows about how passionate you are about those dreams that he cannot dare take them away from you.

he’s a criminal, a gang member, and most definitely not a husband material you could exchange vows with nor raise children with. he would make a terrible husband and a much more horrible father.

he loves you so much that he can’t risk having you compromise your plans just to fit into the shape that he is. he can’t do that to you. if he could, he would be the one to adjust but he doesn’t know how.

so, he pushes you away.

he doesn’t deserve you. his family never loved him enough, how could he ever think he could love somebody right? your love is too good, too pure, too unadulterated for his soul who has seen all the horrors of life that he could already die.

in haru’smind, you deserve to be someone who either has a phd, a jd, or an md. whatever else would work, as long as that someone has a reputable job and could provide you the life you always planned for, not someone who doesn’t even know what he would do the next day. you deserve to be with someone who knows how to raise kids or how to care for dogs, not someone who would scare any delicate being with his scars. you should be with someone that is not him—but you’re not making it any easier.

everytime you would whisper “i love you, haru” in his ears where only he could hear, snippets of a future flashes in his head. whenever you confess “i am in love with you, so much” so simply, futures of him standing on the sands of the beach, delivering his vows to you. receiving those three words from you makes him believe that he could live the life you want, because in truth, that is also what he want.

say i love you, and he will want to cross out all boxes in your bucket list with you. he wants to be a part of your plans. he wants to have your ring on his finger, your child in his arms, or your dogs on his lap. whatever the fuck you want, he wants it.

he just doesn’t think he should want it. he doesn’t think he has the right to be that selfish.

it was torturous, each step he made the night he walked away from you after you told him once again that you loved him, but he thought it was for the better because you would finally get over him.

as much as that would kill him, he would be comforted by the fact that you would be okay

on your graduation day, you complete another part of your plan, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling you thought it would be. you think spending four grueling years in university and finishing with honors would somehow send you off in a high, but that is not the case.

you are surrounded by all the people who love you, but your eyes search for the only one who doesn’t.

your friends and family don’t understand why you love him as much as you do, but that is only because they don’t know what only you and sanzu know.

nobody else knows the midnights you stay awake due to your really bad craps and sanzu sneaking past the dormitory guard to bring you supplies.

they don’t understand because they weren’t there when sanzu ran barefoot in his panic to the alley you nervously called him to when you thought you were being followed by a sketchy guy.

no one else but sanzu was around when you got sick during finals week and couldn’t hold up on your own so he cooked your meals as best as he can, changed the wet towel on your forehead every thirty minutes, helped you dress up, reminded you of the things you tried hard to study, and dragged you to class.

your love cannot be understood by someone who didn’t see how sanzu held you when you cried over the death of the dog you grew up with and the little funeral he set up with only the two of you.

they cannot possibly make sense of the amount of affection you have for the man if they weren’t in the room where sanzu first mumbled some unclear words that sounded so closely to i love you with your name attached to it in his sleep.

you stop trying to make them understand why you want to get out of your graduation party to run to the person who wasn’t there.

as you stride towards the street where sanzu’s apartment is to come and see him on this special day, you see him as soon as you turned the corner. you were quick to spot him, but he saw you first.

with a good six meters between you, you stand staring at each other in the middle of the busy street. you look at the other’s eyes like there’s no one else around. the feeling of longing and the familiar fucking sensation of being in love with him for too long burns your throat, like flowers are growing out of your lungs but you find yourself addicted to them.

your haru also stands still to stare at you, who is all covered in a huge coat that buries your body, and the intention in your eyes gives away that you are there for him. he disappears for months and on your graduation day that he is so painfully aware of, you go to him? how stupid can you be?

why are you here? he left you so you could move on.

damn woman. you can’t move on like this. i can’t forget you like this. i can no longer let you go like this. i will want to keep you all to myself like this.

how many times does he have to push you away for you to give up on him? he has lost count already, and surely you had too. you are always on the receiving end of his rejections and yet you willingly find him wherever he is, to the ends of the earth?

he thinks he has never loved you as much as he loved you in that moment. and he thinks he will love you even more if you close the distance.

because you know he never will, you do it yourself. you take the first step to swallow the distance he so carefully placed at the expense of his own heart just to protect your future. you take the remaining steps that would make it impossible for the both of you to move on from the intensity of this love affair.

sanzu haruchiyo wants to kneel on the concrete and raise his hands in both worship and blame at the god who created you to love him as much as this.

when you stop in front of him, he is still frozen but his eyes are warm. he is slowly seeping in the warmth you have always been trying to share with him.

“what are you doing here?” he asks, but not coldly. he asks because he wants to make sure you’re real.

“i didn’t want this day to end without you. it doesn’t feel right, haru. i want you there. more than anyone.”

a pause. you can already predict what he’d ask next.

“why?”

you never get tired of answering that question.

no matter how many times he rejects you, you still believe he deserves to hear them. you always go back to him because you know he deserves the love you are trying to give him. you always seek him because you know him too much to give up.

“because i’m in love with you.”

he doesn’t laugh this time, he doesn’t roll his eyes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong, he doesn’t tell you that you’re stupid. he only closes his eyes and accepts your hands that cup his cheeks, bringing his hands on top of them along the process.

“you cannot say or do anything that could change it. you can curse me, push me away, and hide from me, or even not see me ever again… but i will always do.”

he sheds a tear at your words.

the next time he speaks, his voice breaks. probably at the weight of the words and of the confession he cradled in secret for years.

“i love you, y/n. so fucking much i can’t wrap my head around it. my heart… feels like it only beats for you to the point where it feels like a fuckin’ sin.”

he doesn’t let you interrupt.

“it’s so easy loving you. but you love me. that’s where it gets complicated, baby. it’s so hard, y/n. it’s hard loving me. my family told me so. my friends tell me so. everyone i meet tell me it’s so… damn… difficult to love someone like me.”

you shake your head and will him to open his eyes, and he does. you look straight into them, making sure he would see the truth you have always held for him in your pupils that could only see him.

“it’s not. it’s not hard, haru. i love you, i love you as natural as i breathe. i love you like how my heart beats and how my blood runs in my veins. it’s not hard. i do it all the time. i love you all the time.”

it is his turn to shake his head. you love him too much to even mind how complicated he really is.

you only make it look easy even when he is hard to love, but he’ll take it. in all his greed and selfishness, he’ll accept it this time.

he will spend the rest of his life filling your life with love, happiness, and adoration to atone for it.

for now, he’ll cherish the softness of your lips and etch into his memory how perfectly they fit with his at the very first time they touch.

#⏳ — lumi’s fics!#i’m back!#I AM SO PROUD OF THIS #pls give it some love!#tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo revengers fics #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers angst #tokyo revengers fluff #sanzu fics #sanzu angst #sanzu imagines #sanzu haruchiyo #tokyo revengers

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