#i am so incredibly isolated

[shorthaltsjester]

i do not want to dig a hole but i am too much of a laura bailey pc enjoyer to not make this post so:

selfishness ≠ a lack of kindness 

selfishness is a theme that has come up with all of laura's main campaign pcs. that doesn't mean that her characters are always making selfish choices or that they don't care about the rest of the people they're with or that they're not good. it's just that, for the most part, the first thing they're thinking of when they take action or make choices is themselves. 

in jester and vex both it is more typical and obvious selfishness. vex's developed because she needed it to keep herself and vax alive and as safe as possible and it grew into a behaviour that she had to actively work to avoid. it's evident in her greed, her theft of the broom, her reaction to her own death which relied heavily on i'm okay/i survived to which keyleth reminded her that she wasn't the only one who had to witness and reckon with her death. in jester's case, she grew up in an environment that literally trained her to make every decision based on two things - her mother's opinion and her own. so, when she's out in the world without marion for the first time, her choices are those that will benefit her and her actions are those that consider her own thoughts and not really many others' (aside from the traveler's). 

it isn't a criticism of either vex or jester to say that they are characters who act selfishly. in fact, i'd argue that to claim otherwise does a great disservice to exactly how immense both of their character arcs are. because the nuance of both jester and vex is that they are selfish, and they also hold extreme room for self-sacrifice and empathy. vex is much more brash than jester is, and jester is much more trusting than vex, but both of them are characters who begin with selfish impulses who grow with them. neither ever truly shed those impulses, but they use them in new ways, typically transforming them into impulses towards things that are in the best interest of the party. 

you may have noticed the lack of imogen in this post about laura bailey pcs and that's because of two reasons. one, we are an unknown amount of time into her story, i can't analyse her development the same way i can vex and jester's. two, imogen's selfishness isn't the blatant quasi-self-aware selfishness that we see in things like jester complaining about her lack of money to caleb or vex stealing a broom. instead, imogen's is very internal, like a lot of laura's character work with imogen. it is a bit similar to jester’s in the sense that it comes from a lack of awareness moreso than vex’s practiced behaviour, but imogen’s is a lot more tied to inherent beliefs she has about the world and the people in it.

as a consequence of her powers, imogen sees people's thoughts as their entirety, she holds it above their actions to be the truth of who they are - to act against what they think or to say something that doesn’t cohere with what they’ve thought is akin to lying, so for her to act empathetically is to act in tandem with what someone else’s thoughts are, not how they act, which is typically not all that wanted. the same as vex’s greed and jester’s naivety, this is a trait that makes narrative sense and it’s one i find quite compelling, especially when read in the vein of someone struggling through trauma that has made them assume that the world is against them. imogen’s cynicism is coherent cynicism, i can’t say that in a similar situation i wouldn’t have the same predisposition towards the world.

the part that is particularly self-interested comes in if you look at how imogen has actually been treated in the campaign (quite well) in comparison to the cynicism that she’s developed from her past (something that speaks to a world out to get her). certainly, a bunch of shitty things have happened to imogen in the time we’ve known her, but the same can be said for everyone in bell’s hells and pretty much everyone in exandria at this point in time. but, in a fight to save the aforementioned world, imogen’s focus was getting her mother back on her side. which, while very consistent with her character and a choice that i enjoy, is a very selfish one. the fun thing (to me, obviously) about imogen is that she has, more than most, an insight into the opinions of others and she also tends to seek others’ opinions out and genuinely engages with them and supports their choices. but she still very much acts towards what she thinks is best. it’s one reason i enjoy looking at the dynamic between her and orym as one between foils, as orym tends to be stalwart in his beliefs and doesn’t care too much for other’s opinions if he’s already sure of his own, but his actions tend to favour collaboration and protecting others.

as i mentioned earlier, imogen is a harder case to look at because she is still in the process of her story. however, the circlet is clearly influencing how she interacts with the world and in the wake of the solstice, the hostile reaction towards ruidusborn people has started to become more and more apparent and i’m interested to see what route that ends up leading imogen down and how it will influence her relationship with the rest of bell’s hells. (for better, i think, based on recent conversations, but if it's for worse i will be just as seated and excited).

all of this is just to say, please stop assuming that claiming a character has a trait you think is a bad one is criticism or a hate post. in light of the fact that i know that people who don’t believe this will continue to not believe this, i’ll encourage anyone confused about the ability of a character to be good and kind and selfish all at once to look to what the text itself says, specifically scanlan’s words to pelor when asked what vex means to him:

“Her name is Vex, and she is greedy and mean sometimes, and she can steal a lot. She’s a little bit not the greatest person, but her flaws highlight everything that is right about her, which is she does all these things to protect her friends and her family. She would give her life for any of us and for anyone who was truly in need. And she’s not perfect but she’s the most perfect of all of us.”

would you look at that... an ability to be a multitude of things, some in conflict with one another. i know that's hard for fandoms to believe, especially about female characters with agency, but i promise its true!

#deeply unfair of laura to make three characters with some type of people skills and morality shaped by their loneliness #and what. i’m just supposed act like i’m normal about that? #this is me blog and i have slightly more time than usual to write nothing essays about fictional characters that haunt me #but dear god . lookin at cr characters and denying their flaws is like looking at a house and only seeing it’s doors . #if ppl demand perfection of fictional characters im genuinely curious in what media they’ve ever found that . #a single imogen post of mine broke containment and it skyrocketed my annoying phil student levels so. alas #but . if you agree that imogen had an incredibly isolating life . i will emphasize that isolation causes traits and behaviours #that aren’t just Quirky or fun or hot anger or whatever #imogen contains so much i love her so much i am bursting at the seams about it #but for some ppl. she is ur ‘girlfailure’ until someone suggests a way she might be girl failing by being selfinterested #what is the truth. do u want her to be an actual girlfailure it do u just want her to suit a . frankly tired. trope about lesbians #anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight #cr meta #imogen temult #vex’ahlia #vex’ahlia de rolo #jester lavorre #critical role #my posts

[rosesloveletters]

I’m hoping one day I’ll be lucky enough to feel secure in myself, knowing that I’m at peace with my quiet little life and not feeling like I’m meant to be going out drinking & partying instead of sitting at a coffee shop or lounging on the couch. I have zero desire to go out to bars. I don’t drink. I don’t party. It’s not even the kind of situation where you say “oh, I hate xyz” and then you get there and have a great time. I know that I would hate it and be angry with myself for going, but what I would be even more upset by is the act of putting myself out there and realizing that it isn’t meant for me. It isn’t that I’m doing what’s comfortable and not trying new things, it’s that I am content with the life I’m living and the things I do, I just wish I had others to share it with. No one seems to enjoy that kind of lifestyle so I suppose I’m on my own till further notice.

#I am going to be alone in life #but if Wonka did what he did completely alone then I’ll manage #maybe that’s why I like him so much #he completely self-isolated for years #and still managed to be an incredible person #and no one hated him for it #or told him he had to do things differently #and if they did he just continued to be who he is #I love him and I need him #I feel like sobbing #vent :: 🖤 #monologue :: 💭

[moonchild-in-blue]

Everyone clap, I actually went out with friends instead of being sad alone 👏👏

#did i consider cancelling? yes #but did i miss them and went anyways and had a good time? YES #something about spiralling and isolating yourself from everyone and stuff #and i still feel incredibly guilty for not texting back and reaching out but. i went and it was fine 🥺 #and i'm well aware they are very frustrated (lovingly) with me and YET #we laughed and talked and hugged and went to an arcade and it was FUN and OKAY #i'm still incredibly anxious for no good reason but i am very proud of myself. baby steps i suppose #anyways i am on my way home and i am so so excited to go to bed and have some tea and unwind #darya talks to herself

[faytears]

no bc how fucked up is it that hunter grew up surrounded by adults that did not give a shit abt him and had no moral compasses...this is all speculation but i cant help but think how unsafe an environment that must be for a child to exist in.  w the exception of Team RED these r all extremely manipulative people that hunter watched constantly backstab each other (which clearly impacted the way he viewed friendships in general) that include the likes of terra snapdragon and adrian graye.  even when he attained a position of authority they did not respect him and probably saw him as just some nepotism baby.  like no wonder hunter latched on to belos if all the coven heads were outwardly just creeps w ulterior motives.  there was literally no other adult he was sure cared abt him besides his uncle and belos knew that and used it to his advantage

#toh hunter #hunter toh #toh #the owl house #toh spoilers #emperor belos #raine whispers #toh darius #darius toh #toh eberwolf #eberwolf toh #terra snapdragon #adrian graye #child abuse tw #this is all assuming hunter spent his childhood in the castle but i cant imagine where else he could possibly have grown up lmao so. #laying on the floor at 2 am thinking abt how fucking sheltered and isolated hunter was all his life #there was never gonna be any support system in the castle for him and belos KNEW that #obv there is raine who is incredibly kind but theyre just one person. they probably tried their best for him but i doubt #they wouldve been able to spend much time w him one on one :( although its implied that they had a positive relationship #w darius i dont think he was ever outright cruel to hunter but i also dont think he could stand to be in the same room as him lmao #it was probably too painful and frustrating + if the beginning of asias is anything to go by #he had a LOTTT of bitterness towards the kid el oh el... #and eberwolf is eberwolf need i say more. #oh and cant forget former ec head lilith who saw him as just some brat <3 #like. THINK ABT IT. someone shouldve called boiling isles CPS years ago #mine

[mattodore]

i’ve been pretty quiet on here and avoiding my activity and dms these last few weeks because october was easily one of the worst months i’ve had in a very long time and i lost my family dog of seventeen years and had a medical scare for not only myself but my cat and just all these things happened at once that felt incredibly hard to bounce back from mentally… but aside from being sick atm things are starting to get better for me and my family so hopefully i can actually start being. normal. again soon 🧎

#river dipping #i don’t think i get personal on here very often just bc. the pd. um #but i figured i should say something bc my avoidant personality disorder is uhhhhhhhh #certainly Avoiding. #i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me or @ed me or just tried interacting in any way #ik i wrote in my pinned navigation that yea i take breaks and avoid my activity and it’s nothing personal #but i still just wanted to reiterate it #i tend to keep notifications off for tumblr and my activity and everything like i only ever check when i’m mentally prepared for the State #my brain goes into when interacting with people #it’s not that i’m ignoring you!! my brain is just. very bad. #and i have a lot of trouble actually replying #especially in private messages #i’m much more comfortable talking publically which is why discord is so not for me 😭 #i really have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone a lot this past year and it’s certainly helped a ton #but still. it’s a disorder i’ve had my whole life so 🤷 it’s still sticking around ykwim #so i’m sorry 😔 but i’m also incredibly thankful toward everyone who’s taken the time to talk to me and interact with me and just thought of #me in general even when i’ve been so isolated recently #ummmm but on the bright side i moved out finally and am at a place that isn’t gonna poison my brain anymore so ‼️ #it took a few horrible days for my pets to get used to the house but things are fine now and i’ve set up my room and am :) doing better #surprisingly my panic disorder has been absent since the move… which is very weird for me #i fr think my previous place might actually have been poisoning me like i’m serious #……..i might delete this post in a bit if i start feeling too crazy abt being vulnerable lmao. um. #but for the people that’re online rn! my beloved friends and lovers yk #there’s my little update

[ghostofasecretary]

it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!

#ghost speaks #personal #ripped my favorite tights i've had for 5+ years and can't replace #can't return my glasses #got ptsd triggered by going past my old church because i took a wrong turn because i was. crying about not being able to return my glasses #have been crying for a solid 40 minutes straight #am still incredibly aware of how isolated and lonely i am #my parents are on vacation so i won't see a friendly face or get a hug till sunday night at the earliest #just. doing BAD #(well. there is the faint hope that the office manager will take pity on me since her office literally cannot manufacture lenses #that will meet my needs) #(but considering i spent a lot of the last hour yelling and begging out loud trying to work out a maximally sympathetic pitch) #(and also dreading 1-2 years of not having transition lenses because theirs fuck with my color vision) #(i'm not sure the hope makes things. better?) #i am gonna. make hot chocolate because it sounds like a marginal improvement over crying without that #the last time i couldn't stand up or i'd start crying harder was yesterday but boy did i not miss it #i thought i might feel better in the morning. ha. ha ha. ha #(like i know this is temporary i'm just. i just. i am so tired and SO stupidly ridiculously incredibly upset) #(like my emotional equilibrium right now is. not)

[july-19th-club]

ok dean's do as i say not as i do ass in the cassie episode when sam realizes that not ONLY is his supposed playboy brother actually a guy who will drop everything and reveal The Secret to the first girl who spends more than a month with him but . he will reveal The Secret at all, a thing he's spent the past six months loudly saying there is never any use in doing because we can't keep friends in this life anyway

#part of it is that he's very bad at HAVING these conversations so they never go well and he then thinks. well i know what to do now: #isolate myself forever #like you did that to yourself. we dont see the actual conversation where he tells cassie but you KNOW it was his worst timing ever #you just know there were probably half a dozen easily available alternatives that would've made it go better but he has no social skills #and he didnt use any of them #and she was like. ok this awkward odd guy who i took a chance on and who i really really like in spit of myself is just #making fun of me now. he's just playing with me i really had something invested in this relationship and he thinks we're a joke #acctually wait she does recount what it sounded like from her perspective and it was like this: #'the guy im hoping will be in my future starts telling me he professionally pops ghosts for a living' 'uhNOT the words i used' #i am so sorry they 100% definitely were. thats exactly how you talk #you said cassie i know you have to leave because you're graduating but i have to leave to go gank casper #and she's like be fucking serious . and hes like i AM pleaseeeeee believe me and shes like fucking incredible. goodbye forever idiot #spn #q

[kkujo]

something i don't see people talking about is the way hyperfixations come in like stages and cycles like it's not just "i'm obsessed with this thing" it's like. euphoria from finding something new and it brings you so much joy and then as that initial dopamine rush wears off you start to get more and more down and feel isolated as you start to realise that no one else cares about it as much as you do and you feel silly for being so into it and the thoughts become repetitive and boring so you get more and more depressed and lonely and then you inevitably lose the hyperfix which leaves you drifting feeling miserable and hopeless until you start the cycle again. idk if i explained this well or if other people will understand but it brings genuine phases of euphoria and straight up depression and this is why i get annoyed when neurotypicals use words like hyperfixation to describe like, an interest. bc it's not. just an interest it becomes who you are and when you lose it it's like losing yourself and you spend so much energy thinking about it that it interrupts your daily life and it's so fucking draining 👍

#like if i see one more nt being like hyperfixation this hyperfixation that SHUT UP!! YOU HAVE AN INTEREST #talk to me when you stay up until 6am every night bc you can't fucking sleep bc ur thinking about it. #talk to me when you can't process emotions in a normal healthy way because you can only relate it back to your hyperfix #paired w madd especially it's IMPOSSIBLE to be normal about shit i swear 2 god because the second i'm upset or lonely it's straight back to #immersing myself in another world and being someone else and not facing my emotions instead letting 'someone else' deal with them #not just negative emotions yk it's anything it's fully immersive to the point i end up not knowing exactly who i am myself bc i'm rarely #myself in my head yk #and it's so isolating #and this is why i get mad when people use these terms lightly bc they don't fucking get it #oh you're hyperfixated? oh you're delusional? you're delulu? watch this #< guy who has delusions that all of his friends secretly hate him bc he's too insane abt xyz media and who feels alone bc no one else is as #into it even though it wouldn't be reasonable to expect them to be #like i'm constantly questioning whether all my friends are secretly against me & finding me annoying anytime i talk about it but it's fine #it's so fucking isolating #i'm not losing my hyperfix yet thank god but i am in the stage of like realisation where the initial euphoria has worn off and i'm like #fuck no one else gets it. no one else is thinking about it like i am. and it's so lonely #< like not to sound like 'i'm 14 and no one gets me' or i'm not like other girls or whatever 😭 #it's not me being dramatic i genuinely. know that no one else is spending every waking moment thinking about the things i am the way i do #and it's so incredibly depressing i can't even explain it in a way that will make sense #because i want to talk about it so fucking bad and i can't. even to my friends and gf who always listen i end up feeling annoying #and then i get genuinely delusional not like tiktok girl voice delulu like i genuinely start questioning my entire reality #just if i talk about something a little too much #bc i'm convinced i'm fucking annoying and no one gets it and they're thinking bad things about me #but i know they wouldn't. but it feels like they are #idk #anyways !

[sadhorsegirl]

fuck it posting moiraine playlist on main

#please enjoy my incredibly vibey and abstract playlist i finalized while very very high lol #i made it that way bc she is vibey and abstract. 2 me ❤️ #could have posted this days ago if i hadnt agonized over the inclusion of master hunter #feels like its a little aggressive and doesnt totally work #but i am a master hunter ive cured my skin nothing gets in nothing not as hard as it tries #vs the breakdown of like fuck off u think i enjoy suffering!!! #later in the song rly works for book moiraine at certain points. where u become so emotionally isolated to try and protect urself but #but rly u still care sososo much #i think her struggle for connection in the midst of all her planning is a big part of what makes moiraine such a strong character for me #like. any ability she has to repress her own emotions is p surely undercut by her own capacity for love #she cant help it! even if she struggles to connect with others and frequently faces rejection in the white tower #she still cares deeply for others #v boss of her u might say #anyways ramble basically over this playlist is also heavily impacted by new spring go read new spring sound of the summer #reserving the right to go back and edit this if the a side in the title isnt clear enough lol #moiraine damodred #wheel of time #music #Spotify

[cardboard-queen]

i just want one (1) trans girl I can be friends with in my city. why are all the sweetest women across state lines :.)

#transfem #trans #soph rambles #I only know 2 trans gals in this city #one I slept with and am in an awkward situation ship with #the other I’m barely an acquaintance #I’ve had one off meetings with gals like me #I just #I feel so lonely 😭 #I just wanna be close to another person like me #I feel so weird and isolated for that exact reason sometimes #like #ok I do have incredibly fulfilling relationships with other trans gals online #well… just one gal tbh (u know who u are <3) #I just want a friend I can hug and touch and gets all the weird eccentricities that come with being trans #anyway #vent #over #thnx for reading if u did <3

[bluesidedown]

.

#this just in: moving to another continent to live and work with complete strangers for six months #incredibly distant from every important person in your life and your supportive community #is in fact. incredibly difficult. #like idk it's hard to describe because it's also been amazingly cool and i'm so thankful i get to do this #and like i can see God's hand in so many things that have happened and are happening #and He's providing what i need in such amazing ways #but also i'm exhausted and really really homesick #and i miss my people #and i miss going to chapel at school #and honestly just attending church in a language i understand #and rn i'm dealing with a crisis at least every day about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life #and long distance dating is really hard and need i reiterate i am exhausted and when i get tired and sad i self isolate. which is unhelpful #and generally i'm in that weird state of being where i genuinely have no clue how to persevere and i feel deeply deeply out of my depth #and also God is just. so present. #tbh i'm terrified that the rest of my life is just going to be Like This #and i'm also terrified that the rest of my life is not going to be Like This #because the last 5ish years have been Like This to varying degrees and i've learned and grown so much and i've come to know God so much mor #but i'm so tired. #and i'm tired of getting up every day and dealing with things that are scary. #but i'm scared of a life where i don't because i'm most scared of stagnating #anyway wow congrats if you made it this far into my venting #on the bright side yesterday i experienced one of the weirder (in a good way) social situations i've ever been in #walked into my language learning partner's mother-in-law's house (who i'd never met before) at 10pm and was instantly given two plates #of beautiful homemade (culturally appropriate dumplings) and a cup of tea #and proceeded to stay for 40min listening to a conversation where i understood about 3 words out of every 50 #couldn't have experiences like that if i stayed in my comfort zone could i

[fauxastrology]

been feeling impossibly sad lately

#had a very rough november #and thought i was finally back to myself #but am still incredibly sad !! #my cat died and i am across the country and i am so devastated #and then i immediately broke up with my gf and am so incredibly isolated #anyways !!! #im just gonna keep on crying until i start to feel like a real person again

[slugandthorn]

Putting my journal down realizing maybe I shouldn't make a written plan to socialize more efficiently

#.txt #Is efficiently the right word. Diary entry incoming. #Going back and forth in recent days with feeling okay with one sided social stimulation and that's just kind of how my brain works #And recognizing I will not look like a well rounded person because I'm not able to maintain other people's interest in an acquaintanceship #It is likely. At least some part due to like labor isolation and all I do is work I do not have life events to interest people #All I can talk about is video games but incredibly limits the social pool because I like bad games. #And also to some degree distrust and the assumption my presence is unwanted. Which I've been working on a lot! #Today in particular is probably just a bad day. #And I have been very focused on life plans for the past week or so which has become very daunting #Planning on starting a business this year. Which is probably why I'm stressing about being able to reach people. #As it will become financially relevant and not just a personal failing I have accepted. #Reasonably it is probably a therapy thing to address being so afraid of other people. But I do not want to go to therapyyyy I'll do it. #Myself. #Normally. #Not dipping into woe is me I have no one territory at least as bad as I did when I was younger. Recognizing a pattern that I am enacting. #My responsibility to improve. Yada yada. I just wish it was a bit easier to feel my like. Presence. #And the constant improvement mindset straying into never good enough is very difficult to avoid. #And it's not a matter of being a good enough person to have close relationships. But I think its easiest to ascribe personal failure #When you are unable to do something. Well the most likely culprit is probably never leaving the house and being undiagnosed. #Which I can arguably do things about. #Also I'm tired. But I'm going to work on my resume tonight anyway and hope tummy pain passes and maybe talking to people will be easier #Another day.

[iiudex]

okay hi mental suffocating session is over i can breathe & think properly now :] regularly scheduled workflow shall begin tomorrow

#— stinky.exe #tw: religious trauma #{{ -> for the ramble im abt to put in tags }} #{{ yeah im forced to regularly meet w someone on mondays }} #{{ bc no matter how uncomfortable i am i cant give an essay length reason as to why im uncomfy }} #{{ & this is ky nobody cares abt anyone’s boundaries ever }} #{{ & he’s p much been forcing & insisting that i do things to try & believe in god }} #{{ & im questioned abt them every week so i cant NOT do them & i can only come up w so many lies }} #{{ so it really just took me back to being incredibly sheltered and having christianity SHOVED down my throat }} #{{ i never believed in god but everyone else did so i must be crazy i must be a maniac and should be treated like one!!!! }} #{{ i could never think for myself & all my thoughts felt disjointed & didnt even feel like my own }} #{{ anyways yeah i was just very harshly reminded of that & began to feel like that again }} #{{ but thankfully i’m older & more isolated & dont have as many people yelling at me abt it }} #{{ so i could ground myself faster }} #{{ yeah i have to meet w him again this upcoming monday…. }} #{{ so im just finally gonna put my foot down & be like ‘bro i DONT want this’ }}

[lostlovepunk]

.

#why do i feel so incredibly isolated and lonely how fo i make it stop #go away go away go away it's 2 am i can't do anything about this feeling i just want it to stop #leave me alone let me sleep i don't want this #please #why #whywhywhy #spike spoke