#i am not as afraid to speak my mind!

[zarovich]

i may not be ashamed of my scars but i still fear that no one will love me bc of them

#personal #sh mention #i dont hate ny scars in fact i like them but ik many find them ugly and shameful #idk i get afraid thinking ppl wont be able to look past it. if my own family my own blood comments on them... then others will too #combined with the fact that i like my scars too. i have no desire to be rid of them theyre apart of me and my struggles #to erase them is to erase part of who i am. so i refuse to be ashamed even tho theyre from my own hands #ugh. idk if anyone can relate to this at all im mostly just speaking to clear my mind.... #i get remind of this everyday andit sucks a bit. a permanent reminder that others will judge me. but theyll judge regardless

[primonizzutto]

a laik yeditepeli chp'li girl and giresun'lu ülkücü kurt boy... i would read this fic (they met in a campus kurt boy is majoring history like most of ultranationalists and laik girl is majoring lit)

by allah dani you're onto something..... your mind is so powerful. too powerful in fact....

the ülkücü!primo nizzuto to martin eden pipeline. to me. in an effort to fix him i make him worse. the laik girl with her longchamp purse and expensive pens and cool preppy studyinspo notebooks and my beautiful mhp'li primo with the pen he borrows from one kanka and the piece of paper he borrows from another...... only 50 tl in his pocket how is he going to beni eve atmak? 90k words slow burn..... ıssız adam duvara karşı romeo and juliet!!!!!!!

#DANI KFJKDJFKDJFKDJF YOUR MIND #i laughed. then i yearned. #i am currently yearning..... #ülkücü primo nizzuto come and find me...... please come to me in my dreams tonight i will even go to a nargile cafe with you...... #dani write this for me.... i will buy you every single purse in stradivarious. BEYMEN EVEN. vakko. #apologies to my non turkish speaking babes we're having a moment. i'm afraid it's serious and terminal. on my part. #answers

[gingerbreadmonsters]

I HOWL AND I WHINE, I'M AFTER YOU

#i have mentioned it briefly in the past but im sorry i have to speak it into the world before it shrivels and dies in my mind #it exists as a wip in my google docs but im afraid it will never get off the ground #basically it is vindemiator and fl making a desperate escape from the academy haven #chased and hunted by the enforcers and imperium!lasko #a little bit surreal a little bit horror a little bit thriller #its an exhausted vindemiator and fl running as fast as they can #kicking and tearing through traps #while the alarm sounds in the haven and the chase kicks off #pure adrenaline pure fear layered over with cruel vicious lasko doing his best supervillain mocking voice #FUCK i see it so clearly in. my mind #the soundtracl to all of this is 'hungry like the wolf' by duran duran #PLEASE listen to it it is exactly the vibe i am imagining #plus its just generally a banger #sigh. i have a mosquito bite on my ankle and its REALLY pissing me off

[rubiatinctorum]

btw it is normal and cool if my friends ask me things about speculative textiles and character garment details at one in the morning. it would only be weird if I did it

#rubia speaks #re: that previous post i made #i don't want to give the impression i dont want my friends asking things like that #i am just deeply afraid of being bothersome to the people who tolerate me at least somewhat still #which is like. not the best way to think abt things. but maybe i will change my mind when i have more lasting friendships #and a proof of concept record that people won't get irritated with me for talking to them v much

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan? #to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

[starshine-selfships]

YOURE ALSO SHIPPING WITH AN ANGEL NAMED GABRIEL!?? TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!!!! 🩷🩷🩷

GOD GOD YES!! Also fun fact I lowkey knew you specifically would see those tags and got excited to see if you would say anything hfjgrgj

Here's the guy of the hour, the week, the YEAR

(The art with the oranges is my own lmao)

I got the game he's from as a gift for Christmas from a friend who really likes it (and I was like yeah!! I wanna play the game too!!) so everything I'm saying has a grand total of a month and a half behind it, and I feel like the short time duration is important to highlight the insanity here kdjffk

ALRIGHT SO spoilers for the entirety of ultra.kill as a game bc he's integral to the overall plot, but some background before Gabby, the game is centered around a robot (controlled by the player) descending down through 9 layers of hell a la dante's inferno style, bc this particular machine is blood powered and mankind has been completely wiped out (partially by war, partially by something that hasn't been made 100% clear yet), so you're just going around slaughtering everything in sight, with the chunkiest graphics known to man along the way.

Gabe's role here is to step in and try to stop you bc you're basically a walking abomination to all that is holy, Gabe is the angel that sends people to hell and is also the one chosen to carry out the will of god so he's also done a lot of killing to do that; he loses to the machine, gets so mad he curses at you (calls you an insignificant fuck) and then leaves, but we see a little behind the scenes, where we learn he's never lost a fight like this and the rest of the angels call it heresy; they sever his connection with divinity and tell him he has 24 hours to fix everything or he'll die. So naturally, next fight he's pissed as hell, and starts out MAD, yelling and threatening, but as it goes on, he starts having fun and laughing and taunting, and when he loses again, he says he feels relieved and needs time to think. He starts introspecting and starts questioning everything he's been told after he realizes he wasn't feeling hatred, but a sort of passion in the challenge of the fights. He starts asking himself if the angels he followed were actually in the right, and ends up killing them all, accepting that he's going to die but that he'll die not only having been freed from the constraints placed on him, but also having freed heaven itself from the angels that basically held it hostage with their power.

He's also as close to trans as you can get without explicitly calling him such! The devs discussed angels and pronouns in a recent stream and said they wanted angels to have no pronouns if possible, but then realized that they needed to gender Gabe when another character wrote a diary entry about him, so they settled on pronouns as a mark of angel status, which means that he didn't originally use he/him, but picked it up later and continued to use it no matter what; the other angels called him "it" after the took his divinity, but the overall narration still uses masculine pronouns for him, so it comes with the implication that he's still exactly who he knows he is, no matter what is said about him, which. as a trans man. good lord fhsjg the trauma of his arc hits very close to home for me and that was part of what propelled him into the spot he has on this blog.

The other thing that got him here was. and there really isn't any other way to say it. This man turned everyone into rabid animals, I have never seen so many people look at a character and desire him so violently, everyone wants to do unspeakable things to this man and it is so funny hdsjgks his VA will also voice pretty much anything in-character as well, so there's a lot of unhinged bullshit that makes for an absolutely incredible image of this man. He's a little uptight at first and throws a fit when things don't go his way, he seems like the exact kind of man that would be kind of silly, this man would struggle to peel an orange, throw it at a wall, and then later hang his head in his hands about it. This man would be able to speak multiple languages but would somehow mispronounce every single word as he goes. He's an astounding character and he's also kind of pathetic and something about all these factors just. lobotomized me. There is a gay little angel where part of my brain should be and I've just accepted it. I had a gay dream about him one single week after I saw him in game, the grip he has on me is UNREAL and I've fully accepted it.

He gives the very fun aspect of "is not human and has no idea what humans need or how they act", which makes him utterly hilarious to me, I wanna see this man try to preheat the oven, he is trying so hard to cook something for me and he is burning it so badly, he does NOT know what a car is and is frankly too wary of it to even consider getting in it. People also arrived at the consensus that he's probably very tall, it's been confirmed that there are no canon heights in the game, but everyone has agreed that Gabby is at least 7 feet tall and it is the funniest thing on earth to me. Very large and somewhat confused angel who means the best trying very hard in his new environment. Oh my god wait when the developers had that stream I mentioned they also talked about Gabe for a bit in regards to his personality bc in-game he saved someone from being swept away in the river styx (now an ocean after an influx of souls), and they were so grateful they added a fully functional hologram of him onto their ship, saying the lines he'd said when he'd saved them, and the devs said that they'd wanted that to be a glimpse into what Gabriel is like when he's not immediately targeting you as an enemy or fighting, and the specific words they used were "he's kind and loving" and that short-circuited my brain immediately upon impact.

He is The Guy Ever, he's basically trans and 70% of the people who drew him gave him top surgery scars even before the devs talked about gender, he's got religious trauma and guilt, he's too tall and has probably never read a book outside of the bible, he giggles and whimpers, he is considered to be one of if not the most wifeable character in the entire game, he has an official body pillow, I want to put him in pretty little outfits, I want to hold his hand and take him to the beach, I want to pin him against a wall, he is. Such A Guy,, thank you so much for asking me about him he makes me feel so insane hsgjsdl

#fun fact! i typed this up on my laptop and then switched to my phone to add the pics #i uh. i like him 👉👈 this gave me an excuse to infodump about my favorite game ever so thank you!!! #this man would be so so afraid of accidentally hurting someone he cares about; he is so physically strong and it would kill him #he would however. be kind of smug about it. he is purposefully putting things out of reach so you have to call him over #the guy ever.. love this man... i am still fighting for a ship name bc i feel like i can do something so funny #sitting with like. match made in heaven and in the arms of an angel but he's got light motifs #he is literally called ''the light in my darkness'' by someone in game like. it's like there's gay and then there's whatever #this guy has going on #i am having such a major gayboy moment over him and allegedly the body pillow #(which is always out of stock mind you!!) might restock tomorrow and I'm like. it would be so funny to have it 😭 #he makes me feel unhinged and it's so much fun bc no one is normal about him #vs my bug boy that no one else cared about. the whiplash has been absolutely insane 😭 #i love my stupid giant angel he activates every single neuron in my brain simultaneously #okay okay i think. this should be everything. i could talk about him for so long 😭 #star speaks #asks #thank you so much again!!!!! 💖 #i am. not proofreading this kdjfkfk whatever i said is what's getting posted. stream of consciousness 😤

[salstray]

im just gonna put the Sorry right here where you all can see

i am sorry when you message me and i seem open and receptive and then just Don’t message you back. I am riddled with fears of all sorts and am completely unmedicated so they control my entire existance.

#i am sorry i am sorry i am sorry #i am Apologizing #and i will Always Be #i feel so bad when someone pops up and i see a potental new friend #then those horrible little bastards start a whisperin in the back of my mind #and i shut down and just sit in fear #I Want To Be Your Friend #I promise #i am just #so afraid #sal speaks

[kanene-yaaay]

Thinking about,,,, them,,,,,

Kel and Sunny,,,,

#not even romantically or platonically I am just... thinking about their vibes together #it's about keep knocking on your childhood friend's door even when you haven't seen him for 4 years bc he will move away #it's just get so excited surprise and happy that he actually openend that you're happy to drag him around the city to walk around #and do mundane things that are so much more interesting than when he is alone #it's to keep hanging out with him on the next day and the next #it's about the comfortable quietness when you're no afraid to speak your mind #and taking the knife away from his hands because you shouldn't fight w it DFGHJKJHGF #it's just..... aaaahhhhh idk I have *feelings* for those two #Kel helped Hero when he was at his lowest and he didn't even hesitated to be right there for Sunny as soon as he openned the door #does he see a bit of Hero in Sunny's sluggishness? on the tiredness in his eyes? does he sees his own sadness being reflected- #-right back at him? #does he think about the old days or he rather focus on the happiness of being together on the *present*? #Is it nostalgic? good? bittersweet? to realize he can still talk and have fun with Sunny without being too awkward as #as if they haven't grown apart? #Kel-show-us-more-than-just-your-good-feelings-challenge #For some reason I am extremely tired today and I have like a bunch of fics on the drafts to finish but now I can't stop rambling about them #anyway #kanene being kanene #I wonder if after knowing the truth sometimes Hero look at Sunny and wonder 'what if it was me and Kel?' #bc sometimes I THINK about it and ...... my heart.... ouch.... #i need more fluff

[angeltreasure]

The most heartbreaking thing to see is Catholics who claim to be Catholic, were confirmed, and receive Communion, standing up for pro-choice “rights”. One person I know who I spoke to told me “I can have my own opinion and not have to stick to something because of a religion” and “Truly, may God help you”. I don’t normally like to get political but this is God vs Satan and I’m not going to stay quiet when people want babies to be murdered.

Prayers for all the souls of the pro-choice and the murdered unborn children, and the children who will still continue to be murdered.

I feel very sad for them too. It is like my young cousin. She is Catholic and is an altar server (or was for many years) at the church she goes to, but this morning on her Instagram I saw her sharing posts about how very sad it was that Roe V Wade was taken down. A cradle Catholic altar server!! I think part of the problem with this is that after CCD and Confirmation, taking classes on the Catechism totally stops. We must do a better job as people, as the Church, to educate our own people and form them! We must pray very hard about this. I am sure you already know Biden’s stance too, and many others. Even though we are not in big positions of power, we can do these things: pray, educate, share information cited with valid and truthful sources, and talk about things. If we don’t talk about things when an opportunity arises, we can miss opportunities to share the Truth. Keep the faith and fight the good fight with me. May God bless you and keep you close to His most Sacred Heart. Amen.

#asks #prayer request #also #same I am also not afraid to speak my mind either #someone has to do it #someone needs to be a voice for the voiceless #don’t worry about the political part because this issue is actually a moral issue #to be morally grounded we desperately need to follow our Catechism #pray to end abortion

[sapnapsboyfriend]

found this playlist on spotify and its been making me go fucking insane screaming crying throwing up screaming in anguish etc etc i cannot highly reccomend it if you have the desert duo brainrot (even if u don't its just a really good playlist) and if u see this and u made this playlist i want you to know that you get them more than anyone on this gay fucking earth and i wanna know how it feels to have the biggest brain possible. you fucking legend

#desert duo #scarian #3rd life #double life #last life #mcyt #so many songs have come on and i have to put my hand over my chest or my heart will explode out of it #there are so many songs i listen to all the time but in the context of desert duo they make me IN FUCKING SANE #LIKE FOR EXAMPLE. famous last words mcr comes on. first words im like ohhh yes love this one. THEN IT KICKS IN. #I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE HONEY IF YOU STAY ILL BE FORGIVEN NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP #ME GOING HOME. #I SEE YOU LYING NEXT TO ME. WITH WORDS I THOUGHT ID NEVER SPEAK. AWAKE AND UNAFRAID. ASLEEP OR DEAD. #LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT. ITSA GREAT SONG ALREADY BUT PUT IT IN THE CONEXT OF THESE TWO AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE ROT CONSUMING YOUR MIND #OH OH AND!!!! outrunning karma came on and i HAD TO STEP AWAY FROM THE DISHES I WAS DOING. PUT MY HANDS UP FULLY STEPPED AWAY. #HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT. ITS SO TRUE AND IT HURTS SO MUCH. #anyway stream this playlist to fucking die about scarian.

[cosmojjong]

crazy to me how i perceive my korean vs how others perceive it

#must be the imposter syndrome because i cannot explain it #also the fact that i feel like i'm stuck in a slump/the same level of korean #earlier my friends and i were talking and one of them said 'here we have a non korean speaking like a korean' and i almost cried #not because i was glad but because i felt EMBARRASSED #sometimes i feel really frustrated #from the outside it may look like i have it all figured out like i can speak it well effortlessly #but actually not i study so hard and been doing that for long #and i still never feel like it's enough #i don't know if this is something that every language learner feels like #been particularly bummed about how 'not enough perfect i am' versus how much friends hype me #i wish i could improve even more but why isn't it working?????? #i think it's also my issue where i have my comfort zone and i like my wordings but theres much more grammar to use and #i shouldn't be afraid of trying #i lost my train of thought there i wanted to say much more but nevermind #i've had a shitty weekend and i think i want to scream about 26 different things at the same time #don't mind me guys #i also really miss jonghyun #and i'm so angry and hurt about time flying in many aspects of life #i cannot even catch up cannot even spread out my aspirations that it just keeps going #frankly i need a break to breathe but i cannot stop either #ANYWAYS. goodnight i'm so tired of thinking #i love jonghyun #didi rambles

[aurumdrake]

positively asking what is going on in your brain. can you draw me a chart

did u want a literal chart? cuz here u go

#anonymous #wizard speaks #constantly afraid of being annoying or misunderstood so talkin and expressing myself is a huge challenge #am comfortable doimg it a little more in #my tags but i have to heavily restrain myself from speaking whats on my mind cuz im afraid itll be dumb #dumb how? idk. anything i say is dumb #this probs isnt the response u were looking for but i am autistic and took ur request for a chart abt my brain process over this literally

[real-life-cloud]

😰😰

#the sky speaks #i need to word vomit ^_^ #and maybe actually vomit. or possibly cry #i was literallyfine this morning and then i took a shower and went to work w my mom and the dysphoria has hit me like a fucking freighttrain #i read my coming out letter to my therapist last week #idk i think saying it all out loud changed something in me. i feel like im constantly going to burst if i dont tell my famyiky soon #i want to rip my chest out and curl into a ball and scream #think i am Finally (after like a decade of wanting one) im gonna get a binder #it sounds so silly now like. idk at first it was a survival thing but. #i couldve safely come out like. 5 years ago? #but i was too afraid of change! and still hoping i would change my mind for good #i still dont know when ill tell my family but my step number one is gonna be gwtting a binder and boxers like ive wanted for forever lol #on another note my dad told me my outfit was giving divorced 35 yr old man who sees his kids twice a week #love to see it 😁

[alsklingwille]

.

#feels so weird coming back to tumblr after so many years #i grew up on this app #age 11 to now 28 #this is the first time i stepped foot into the yr tumblr fandom after being on twt for so long #i feel welcomed home in a way #i love the older crowd and the intellect behind analysis posts and the nuanced way of thinking i can easily find on here #people arent afraid to speak their mind and share their thoughts and its beautiful #and the most wonderful part is that i can just peacefully blend into the background #which is a jarring difference from how i spent the past 2 years #also i am deeply afraid of finding my face on here #i did some wild things straight out of dreams but would like to crawl back into my hole now #being an adult with money and in a fandom is a whole new ballgame #it was really fun while it lasted but im ready for reality again #good news i just went on a deep dive and did not find any pics of myself #and im scrubbed clean from twt too as much as i could have #now if i find screenshots of my old twt posts thats a different story #i wish to not be perceived at all

[autistic-shaiapouf]

You know I think part of why driving frustrates me and freaks me out is bc it's fast!! When I took the wrong exit off the interstate, I didn't have a place to stop and think, I had to keep picking roads until I could u-turn and get back on the interstate and take the right exit that time, you don't have time to think you just go!!

#I'm a thinking man!! got a lot on my mind!!! #like. wrong turns and missed exits are correctable like there is no mistake like that that can't be fixed but it's like. #idk when google is telling me to make a turn i already missed bc i can't look at a map bc im doing 50 on a major road. it bothers me.. #it's like my social anxiety made a special comeback and I'm afraid of ppl going like. oh look at this dumbass lmao #which like. i KNOW no one memorizes what cars look like to mentally catalogue and make fun of later like that is not a thing #you know. maybe i am holding a can of worms actually and maybe i should put the escaping worms back in and tape the lid down #so i can open it up in therapy actually lmao #shai speaks