#i am learning to underachieve

[cinnamontoads]

speaking of other projects i have i still have to edit an entire video by myself over break this week that was due last tuesday and i also directed and starred in it and wrote the directions and script there are SEVEN people in this group wtf is anyone else doing

#they say. all my professors in the film school say. that #in your four years you'll learn to work with some really awful groups #im a sophomore and this is my first year in television and radio major #so its NOT FAIR that i get saddled with a shitty group right out the gate #because if i fail this class i lose my scholarship lmfao #personal #also may i add. i am a Chronic underachiever #group so bad that the guy who normally does a minimal amount of work suddenly has to do EVERYTHING

[aspoonofsugar]

Hi! I really liked your post about your favorite siblings in stories. I was curious if you might expand on it--are tehre any other siblings you'd want to talk about?

Hi!

Thank you for the nice words! So, it has been a while since I wrote my fave siblings post. Here are some new siblings' relationships I love!

Ruby and Yang (RWBY)

Their dynamic has grown on me! Yang and Ruby are sisters, who could never be "just sisters" because of Summer's disappearence.

Yang feels she has to be Ruby's stand-in mom, jump in to protect her and always be emotionally available:

Dream of anything; I'll make it all come true. Everything you need Is all I have for you. I'm forever Always by your side. Whenever you need a friend, Never far behind.

She has to be strong like Summer.

Ruby feels she has to be Yang's hope, to be a perfect Huntress and to always be optimistic:

Past Ruby: That’s right! It’s up to you to make things better, isn’t it? Everything all depends on you! Your sister needs you, your friends need you, the whole world needs you to keep fighting, forever and ever, against an invincible monster that took your mother!

She has to be perfect like Summer.

Basically, they are both trying to be like their mother to the other, even if in different ways:

The petals scatter now Every nightmare just discloses It's your blood that's red like roses And no matter what I do Nothing ever takes the place of you

So, their shared arc is about moving on from this internalized mentality, so that they can become two independent people who still love each other.

Ame and Yuki (Wolf Children)

I love their siblings yin yang dynamic! Yuki and Amer are very well characterized and have wonderful complementary arcs. They have to choose if to be wolves or humans and of course they come up with different answers.

The best part, though, is that their respective developments lead them to take a path very different from the one you would expect initially.

At the beginning Yuki is energetic and enjoys spending time in her wolf form, while Ame is shy and dislikes moving around. Still, they both find something they wish so much they are willing to change for it.

Yuki craves human companionship and someone who would accept her for who she is. Ame is fascinated by nature and wants someone who would teach him about it. In the end, Yuki chooses society, while Ame the forest. It is this difference, which also leads to their final fight. There they both try to force the other to see things from their perspective. They want the other to make their same choice. Still, this is impossible because they are not the same. They take different paths and separate because this is the only way they can truly be happy. This doesn't mean they love each other or their mother any less.

The Russos siblings! (Wizards of Waverly Place)

Tbh... they are some of my favourite siblings EVER! And it is a crime I forgot to put them into the list :P Well, time to fix this mistake!

I love Wizards of Waverly Place and that is mostly because of the dynamics among the three siblings (+ Harper, who is a found sister to ALL the Russo kids and not just Alex). In particular, the crux of the series is really Alex and Justin's bond, which is great and my favourite relationship in the story.

Alex is impulsive, a delinquent and an underachiever. Justin is lawful, a star student and a hardworker. Alex is heart, while Justin is mind. They bicker all the time and never get along and yet they love each other and need the other to get their respective happy endings.

Alex learns magic from Justin and grows more responsible and hardworking by observing him. Justin mentors Alex and through her he discovers his true calling, which is to be a teacher. With time, we see this dynamic changing as Justin starts to mess up more and Alex is the one helping out. This is all part of growing up and discovering who you are.

Alex grows smarter, but keeps being motivated by her emotions and big heart (she puts in the effort for the competition, so that she can stay with Mason - an inversion of her Jerry giving up magic for Theresa)

Justin must deal with his hidden feelings. He must face his darkest side, like his jealousy, his pettyness and even how his deep love for someone can lead him astray. He has to accept all this if he wants to keep choosing the right thing

So, Alex realizes she can be more than just Justin's bad little sister and Justin has to face he can't keep building his own identity on being the smart one of his family. That is because all 3 siblings are smart (yes even Max), but go at it in different ways and have different talents.

Throughout the series, their final callings become clear. Alex's is wizardry, Justin's is teaching and Max's is business. All three get what they need and want.

As a cherry on top, Alex and Justin's arcs are foils and inversion of each other at any important step ;)

They have 3 important love interests that follow specific literary themes (Beauty and Beast for Alex and Romeo and Juliet for Justin). They have to learn when to let go and when to fight for the person they love, just in different ways and at different times.

They both fall behind in the wizard competition because they are trying to help people and they both get back in through the other.

In short, Alex and Justin are very well made siblings yin yang (yes by looking at this least you get it... I have a type). To this, you add some very funny sibling rivarly, clever burns and pettiness between them and Max and you get some of my favourite siblings.

#chain of faves #anonymous #rwby #yang xiaolong #ruby rose #wolf children #ame and yuki #wizards of waverly place #justin russo #alex russo #max russo #asksfullofsugar

[ist-das-kunst-oder-kann-das-weg]

I am done with my exams! Forever! (Except for the defense of my thesis.)

This whole exam season has been a dumpster fire organization-wise, but also in general I am obvsly so happy it is over.

The exam today was a bit weird. I said I don't want topics 3 or 4. I got topic 4. (I have never gotten topic 1 in amy of my exams, but thrice did I get the last topic - unfair!) I did the presentation in under 5mins. We are supposed to talk for 15 mins. After that you get grilled. And damn, I couldn't answer some very basic definition questions to the point that I asked whether I can even still pass or whether we could also just stop the exam there. But in the end, I somehow still managed to get a 7 (the middle grade).

The co-examinor just got kinda worked up on the fact that my presentation was really good, PhD-level he said (I copied it from the book and learned it by heart, I have little idea of what was going on), and whenever I could answer, it was apparently really really well done (I would have had that in one of the other presentations, which I mostly also had learned by heart, but at least understood), but when I could not answer, there was just nothing. He looked really pained when he told me they had to give me a 7, but well, by now I am kinda used to underachieving, even though people recently haven't been as adamant about it as he was. He went like "You could do a PhD! If you would just fix stuff like that. Do you want to do a PhD?" and I was like "Not anymore" and he was like ":O What? Why? Do you really want to work a regular job at some office for 8hrs every day?" and up until then I thought professors are also working 8hrs a day at some office. Whatever, my point was that the prof just told me "hey I think you can manage a PhD" when I had just made my peace with not doing a PhD but now I am actually thinking a bit about it again, argh.

But I can do that later because first I will sleep some, then tmw I will clean my flat and do the dishes and do some laundry and cut my hair and cook myself something nice. And if the math mood catches me, I might look into my master thesis topic, which will be knot theory! Perhaps it was a good thing my previous supervisor kicked me out lol. But that all comes later.

#dear diary

[miscling]

Kink to talk about dumbification 🐰

So like, I'm totally going through that 'gifted kid to dumb horny slut' pipeline I keep seeing mentioned. I am a dumb horny slut, good for being played with and used. I love making myself dumb and letting others think for me.

For context, then? In school I did pretty okay. I underachieved, but I was a really fast learner who adapted quickly to new information. At this point in my life I can point at my autism and adhd and say that they both had a hand in that. I could hyperfixate on new topics, and learning something new from someone was really really easy. I did great in class, but my home life was way too distracting for me to be much good outside of school. Instead I got really good at all the little extracurriculars I picked up.

I've taught myself dozens of little things over the years, and bounced around topics to a degree that I know more than a little about a lot of things. As a writer and a dm for my D&D game, I'm super good at coming up with clever plots and twists that keep people entertained and stimulated.

I'm kinda proud of how smart I am, if I'm being honest. I was trying not to brag as I wrote out the context.

The thing is, I like being dumb more.

it's so hard to be smart and do all that shtuff and paty attention to by spelling and editing things as I thype. i don't need to be all that smart fo be a good tiy and in fact ebing a dumb makes me a better toy. I'm very quick to adapt to letting others tell em what to do , and i like it that way. I am a ditz. i say I know lots about a lot, but if I get put in the spot, my brain freezes and my memory gets unrliable/ i like being dumb because the expeectation is that all im to focus on is being a good girl for whoveer wants to play with me.

just thinking about being dumber makes me a little dumber too. getting esdegf and brainwashed makes me mroe compliant and ovedient. eventially i fdont even remember to talkk.

i grew up feeling asjamed of being forgetfulm and finding it hard to focus, but dumbifitcation is nice. i can be rproud of not being the smartest kittin the litter. i like ebing dumb a lkot. it feels more comfy and soft, like a bgi fluffy blanket.

#miscling answers #dumbification #bunny ask tag

[septicmomma]

Learning To Love The Timeless Child

I’ve gone through a flux (har har) of emotions upon my thoughts on The Timeless Child reveal. From feeling ambivalent to mild disliking and to thinking it was just “ok”. I’m finally ready to put my foot down and not only say I love it but it’s actually one of the best inclusions in DW cannon.

But before you rase you're pitchforks I’m not writing this in an attempt to invalidate the opinion of people who don’t like it but to offer understanding of those that do.

While also identifying some of the common complaints/criticisms that've been levelled at it. "It breaks cannon, it makes the Doctor a Messiah figure, its pointless, it disrespects Hartnell ect".

First off The Doctor still is “some guy” but in all honesty the reality is arguably since The War Games the Doctor has always been a figure of relative importance. Which is something I think people are just going to have to come to accept, and if anything, adding a potential nuance by centring the exploitation of the Doctor by an uncaring society only makes their character that much richer imho. Whereas instead, they’re usually related to Gallifrey in a more heroic profession.

But that doesn't make the Doctor special by virtue of being the Timeless Child. What makes her “special” is only a by-product of exploitation, any uniqueness she may have had was stripped away and trivialised to forge someone else’s story of supposed ‘greatness’ leaving her part buried and forgotten. They may occupy a significance position within DW lore, but it’s in a passive capacity not a proactive role. I also think the notion that the Doctor was “supposed” to be some kind of underachieving drop-out who proves themselves through sheer bare-knuckled heroism isn’t entirely accurate. As strictly regarding newwho the Doctor has often been a source of significance and intrigue, albeit a remarkably personable one. The companions are where the modern series has typically rooted the ethos of being capable of great things even if you’re ordinary. The modern series Doctor is, more often than not the catalyst for that potential in other people, rather than an example of it themselves. TTC has literally changed nothing about the Doctors modus operandi. She doesn’t have any memories of that time of her life and can’t exactly use any of that knowledge to help solve her problems. None of the Doctors ideological impulses comes from being the Timeless Child. And even if she did have those memories TTC doesn’t make them this all-knowing messiah figure, they’re just another alien that just so happens to have a longstanding healing ability which grants them no inherent edge, nor any heavenly merit.

Tecteun finds her alone and abandoned, as the Master puts it a “refugee” the only thing this change’s is that she was the first person able to regeneration which in-itself is just a cosmetic plot device it’s not what defines Gallifreyans as a race, whilst there have been instances where it's used to comment on the Doctors mortality (The End of Time, Twice Upon a Time) rarely is it displayed as anything more. As for the Doctor being “it makes the Doctor a Messiah figure” the Timelords evolved naturally and expanded their outreached as mentioned in the TTC, with Tectuan they became the self-appointed elite and renamed themselves Timelords, there would still be “Timelords” regardless of the Doctors involvement it's a title not a literal race. The Doctor is only ever presented as a “messiah” figure through the lens of the Master's insecurity "All I am is somehow because of you". The Master is essentially meant to symbolise an outrage merchant/NMD type, wanting the Doctor to be scared and outraged over everything. He even goes to the lengths of creating an army of Cybermasters purely in his image, when they regenerate, they don’t change they just stay the same. Echoing the fear of change and evolution. This fear is also accentuated through Ashad, though despite their similar aspirations both him and the Master still butt heads because it doesn't cater to their specific vision. Ironically this is something the Master points out regarding Ashads plan, yet he himself doesn't see the hypocrisy by making them shallow self reflections.

TTC narratively justifies itself within its own story it doesn’t need to exist outside its own confines as it already serves a narrative purpose in this episode. Primarily as a story dealing with the Master attempting to destabilise the Doctors perception of herself while also acting as a commentary on colonialism. With the added subtext of the Doctor appearing as a black girl who was taken and exploited for gain of another race and having her history buried and forgotten.

Posing the question of what if there were many different Doctors from any ethnicity groups but we haven’t seen them before because the Timelords have appropriated the ability to regenerate for themselves in addition to this doubling as commentary all the previous Doctors being white men. Showing the Doctors previous lives as children, that diversity has always existed after decades of telling people that this how it’s always been so it so should just to stay the same; instead of questioning why an alien who can change their appearance into literally anyone would always take the form of a white guy. Being that identity has been the following theme throughout this era, I think there’s a lot of value in this conceit, which comes through in Ruth and Thirteens short interaction. Learning to reconcile with parts of yourself that you never realised were there. I suspect those sequences might mean a lot too adopted or just alienated kids in general watching the show, showing that this program is for them as it is for anyone else.

At the end of the day, it’s an adoption story. Discovering your life is a lie can seem like a world-shattering revelation. But it doesn't have to be, and other people imposing their beliefs onto you doesn't mean you have to listen. The Master is an example of revelation like this literally breaking someone into such a self-loathing state it leaves them impetuous, desperately grappling to find some new sense of purpose. There's nothing 'chosen one' about being someone who was taken by a self-serving pragmatist and indoctrinated into a totalitarian elite. Everyone convinced themselves the Master meant the Doctors past when in fact the obvious “lie” of The Timeless Child is just his way of compartmentalising their trauma, that it prohibits his own ability to develop meaning outside of the moment where it collapsed. Detractors keep focusing on the lore elements as if that’s the point of the reveal but it’s not. The point is what happens when your sense of identity is turned on its head? what happens when something you once believed to be a fundamental part of yourself isn’t quite as clear as you thought it was? It hangs on the notion that the Doctor and the world they’ve seen grown around them is built on a paradoxical impasse, that indicates a potential otherly aspect to their upbringing. Her dropping the watch is the first time she’s away from manipulation, away from unruly expectation and threat. It’s the only time she’s allowed to make the choice for herself, not based on any preconceived bias. So naturally, she decides to not let the past define her and allow herself to just truly live in the moment. 13 spent all of Series 11 instinctively trying to suppress her past in a way to necessitate her need for company and comfort only for it to get thrown in her face in Series 12, leaving her with no sense of individual importance, and Series 13 is where she’s faced to tackle those facets head on to retake her own narrative.

The TTC makes it very clear that the point is the open up possibilities and new venues for the show to explore, that your past doesn’t define you. With the Doctor partially acting as an audience surrogate, constantly asking questions of what it all means.

It’s about the intrigue and the joy of the mystery itself which is what the TTC is trying too ahead too. It doesn’t matter what the specifics of what her backstory are because frankly It plus all the lore about Division is simply there to provide motivation for the Master and a framework for Flux. The fact that this new backstory even exists at all only means that the Doctor didn’t know herself as well as she thought she did, which drives her to want to find out and develop a better understanding of who she is. It's ultimately a journey of self-identification, and for me at least, Flux managed to cap that off in a place where I felt fairly satisfied. What I think 13 truly learned is that she never desired the information per se, but rather, gaining the agency to decide what to do with it. It’s about her having autonomy over her own life and sense of self without it being dictated by other people as it’s something she was denied by Tecteun, who essentially abducted her and unilaterally changed the course of her life, her physiology was exploited for the benefit of others, Division wouldn’t let her willingly leave their service, and eventually she had her memories stolen and her body reset. By the end of Flux, the Doctor is back in the driver’s seat ready to face whatever journey may come their way.

You can even look at it on a metatextual level, with a show that spans a history of almost 60 years, amassing numerous spin offs and expanded media. Making an almost celebratory deconstruction on the arbitrary nature of cannon and if you’re going to tell a story the largely focuses on this then you have to acknowledge that cannon isn’t necessarily fundamental, as much as it’s just a storytelling device, especially in the case of DW with its numerous contradictions. Incidentally, this also applies to the revelation itself. If you really don’t like it then feel free to disregard it. But be prepared to accept the fact that some people might critique that standpoint, and that’s OK.

The inclusion of the Morbius Doctors is a prime example, hell even the Curse of Fatal Death Doctors, all of it is possible now. To have the revelation change the Doctor in any significant way would be hugely undermining the point of what the episode is trying to say. Instead of conforming to the Masters way of thinking she doesn’t let this change frighten her she embraces it. Much like the very nature of the show.

Anyway, hope u enjoyed my rant :-]

#doctor who #the timeless children #13th doctor

[augment-techs]

Six Word Starter Prompts (part 2)

Ran away with circus; never returned

Buxom songstress loves love and chocolate

Blades cuts, blood runs, scars remain

Did I miss a deadline again?

Walking the green mile: Finally free

Dreamy visions during extended daytime hours

Love drama, just not my own

I wouldn't change it a bit

Saw the world; now where's home?

Nose broken, beauty queen changes profession

Blinked! Winked! I am halfway through!

Arms: Full. Life: Not so much

Many risky mistakes, very few regrets

Six kids; life is stranger than fiction!

He left me for good eventually

would you like fries with that?

Legs spread, I withheld my intelligence

Traversing Earth together, chasing elusive answers

hockey is not just for boys

never liked the taste of beets

underachieving pleasure punk seeks constant gratification

risked it all; never quite enough

I write because I can't sleep

sperm too potent, now have triplets

Never fear. Truffle season is near.

started small, grew, PEAKED, shrunk, vanished

Mom blames musical theater. I disagree.

and I never did sober up

world backpacking decade ends with minivan

asked and answered, asshole, next question

Really, doing fine, thanks for asking

Oh shit! No way? Yeah dude.

Mistook streetlight for the moon. Climbed.

Boyfriend in bed, still a lesbian?

wanted to live forever, died trying

happy child, wild teenager, adult anarchist

to make a long story short...

My second grade teacher was right.

someone had to pay the bills

Didn't fit in then; still don't.

I love my lady...and bacon.

Revenge is living well, without you.

Outcast. Picked last. Surprised them all.

Became my mother. Please shoot me.

If there's more, I want it.

it's like forever, only much shorter

Cancer for sure. Still no cure.

born lucky, striving to die worthy

tequila made their clothes fall off

I told you I was crazy.

Topless dancer. Circus clown. Spy. Writer.

I play dress-up for a living.

Where the hell are my keys?

They always wore socks to bed.

Well, I thought it was funny.

I died at an early age.

I couldn't possibly fuck him again.

Same mistakes. Over and over again.

Me: fully reformed and halfway happy!

the day just kept getting better

born in city that doesn't exist

shot my penis in photo booth

after which he was never sane

almost nothing was under my control

let me in, you narrative whore

cheese is the essence of life

I waste time looking for love.

straight jacket on the gentle cycle

I secretly read wedding magazines.

my ancestors were accented cow herders

Gin joints. Love affairs. No relation.

slightly flabby, slightly fabulous, trying hard

Thank fuck the suicide attempt failed!

Secretly, I dream of my ex-boyfriend.

unfortunately, there was no other way

My wife made me do it.

Like an angel. The fallen kind.

drew on walls, creative for life

When all else fails, start running.

still waiting for you to ask

My penultimate act is to imbibe.

ordering soup for two, for one

Sometimes at night I lay lonely.

I didn't walk off the roof.

will draw for food and coffee

I fell out of the nest.

I don't nibble. I bite. Hard.

He knew the bruises would fade.

we were married in the snow

lonely, frothy kisses, then only spite

we were each other's favorite person

learned to live with great loss

I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

most successful accomplishments based on spite

He wore dresses. This caused messes.

I will never be quite finished.

I tried. It was not enough.

There will be no beautiful corpse.

Found a demon to love forever.

These words are yours to keep.

#writing prompts #ask prompts #sentence starters #source: not quite what I was planning: six-word memoirs #boom! comics power rangers #power rangers in general

[cookie-waffle]

I hate how birthdays have gone from a happy celebration to something to dread.

This probably sounds super “ow the edge” but I’m serious. When I was a kid, getting older was exciting. But now each birthday is a reminder of how much of an underachiever I am. Even other people my age who think they don’t have their shit together usually have it together more than I ever have.

I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll never catch up. I’m too grey-aro to fall in love and have a romantic life partner, I struggle too much at learning to get a general college education, I haven’t completed ANY of my creative projects. Meanwhile everyone else seems to have a plan for the future, has a partner, had one, or just doesn’t want one, and knows how to do the basic the most basic life skills that I wasn’t even aware of.

I know living with your parents is becoming a bit more normalized in the west, which is good (because it’s literally human instinct) but, I can’t help but feel a constant sense of shame for never being able to stand on my own feet. Even people who say stuff like “oh your 20s are supposed to suck” usually only mean people in their early or mid-20s. My brain is almost finally fully developed and I haven’t done jack shit. I am not looking forward to turning 25, and I’m CERTAINLY not looking forward to turning 30 in the next 5 years because I know I’ll probably just be the same but worse.

[barebonesblonde]

The Lame Brain Manipulation Game

I recently got a message from a new woman friend -- who's a long-time mutual friend of someone I've known since I was in my 20's -- regarding that last post I made about my recent debacle with the Cracker (i.e. the very odd person I was very briefly almost romantically entangled with -- or perhaps "ensnared" is the more appropriate term).

She pointed out that people like him are very masterful at being manipulative, and that I shouldn't feel responsible or bad about myself for being taken in, however briefly, by his wiles. Which of course is true. Except here's the thing; I thought I was too smart for that sort of thing. And I wasn't. Yes, yes -- the man was a literal genius, it is true. But, I'm no slouch myself, intellectually. A MASSIVE underachiever, yes, but in the ol' brain meats department, I'm certainly not lacking. Which is how we connected in the first place.

That's what I get for thinking I'm so goddamned smart...

So the question becomes, how and why did I get sucked in? Was it loneliness? AM I lonely for a relationship? I've always been quite content to be alone, and am almost always restless, discontented, and unsatisfied in romantic relationships (largely because of the sort of people I tend to attract, which as we've discussed tend to be variations on a theme, the theme being untreated mentally ill, deeply disturbed personality disordered abuser types like my mother); so I'm not really certain if that's the answer. I am leaning more towards boredom, and yes, a need for connection, as well...which blinded me from some of the red flags that came up. And they did indeed come up.

Fortunately, I am not emotionally hurt by this debacle, which tells me my so called "emotional connection" I was so convinced I had was just as much of a confection as he was. Which is interesting. I didn't shed a single tear, or feel even a twinge of loss, which rather surprised me. What I DID feel was mortified, embarrassed, and disgusted with myself.

When will I learn?

Why did I even bother? You'd think that after 8 years of being happily single, with the exception of a nice, fun poly situation that was undemanding and pleasant until things fizzled out without explanation (THAT actually smarted a bit), and a sexual encounter that was predictably unsatisfying, then an assault, which was my last experience before this whole debacle, that I would understand certain things about myself -- or rather ONE very basic thing;

I do not do well in traditional relationships. My radar, when it comes to men in particular, is completely and irrevocably broken.

Ok, that's two things.

I really, really need to stop myself when I am attracted to a guy, for ANY reason. My former housemate Clara yesterday told me, that when it comes to me, I need to do the exact opposite of what my instincts tell me to do. I'm not sure this is accurate, but I get what she's saying. I think I need to do the opposite of what my ATTRACTIONS lead me towards. Because my INSTINCTS, once I met this guy in person, told me to run, after about the first twenty minutes. But I ignored them, because it just didn't make sense, after the months of amazing conversations we'd had.

But, my instincts turned out to be right.

And, if I look back, there were flags even early on in the conversations I overlooked, because let's face it, I'm far from perfect myself, and we all need to make compromises, right?

The problem with people like me, who were raised by seriously fucked up mothers with serious unmedicated, untreated mental illness like bipolar and schizoaffective disorder, and personality disorders like NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc, we learn to NOT trust our gut feelings, because we are gaslit constantly, in the actual, true sense of the word, all the time. The upside is that when the Cracker tried to pull that with me, I was able to spot it, and I called him on it, which made him lose his cool (always a sure sign that you've got them). It's impossible to gaslight me, because I can see it from a mile off.

But as for the other stuff, the learning to trust my gut instincts...well, clearly I still have a long, long way to go with that. Although, to be fair, this time it took me a lot less time, a lot less investment than the last go-round. The last time, I moved in with the guy and lost 3 years of my life and ended up in the hospital.

So, I guess you can call this progress.

I also just really think I need to accept that I cannot do relationships. And this, I will admit, makes me a bit sad, on some level. Because I would like to think that even someone like me could find someone that makes sense. Who would treat me well, and not use the things I've opened up about like a weapon against me, or try to manipulate me, or to gaslight me, or all the rest of it. But, with my shitty health being what it is, I simply can't risk it anymore. It's literally too bloody dangerous for me to take that chance, now.

Choose the wrong person, and it could actually harm me. I learned that the hard way in my last serious relationship. And I just can't take that chance, I can't allow myself to be put in that situation, anymore. Because I just don't seem to have the proper tools to be able to navigate a healthy relationship. Which is kind of seriously fucked up. But, it's not entirely on me. I was raised by a wildly sick, abusive, fucked up mother. I've been fighting against the damage she did to me my entire life, and really, I've made a lot of progress.

But ultimately, I simply don't know how to choose a good mate. And I don't think I'll live long enough to get where I'm at the point to ever learn how to do so. Realistically, at my age, it just doesn't seem feasible at this stage. And I have to be OK with that.

I think I am OK with that. I've always been autonomous, independent, and even a bit of a loner, and maybe that is partially what's informing my choices, too. Maybe, deep down, I don't WANT to be in a traditional relationship...?

Wherever the true answer lies, I need to start to learn to trust my gut, really truly trust it, even when it's inconvenient, even when I don't want to, even when the rest of me is screaming against it. Because it is never wrong. It's the desires that are wrong, the intellectualizing and the need for connection that leads me to wrong choices, not my deep down gut instincts.

And THAT'S the truth.

#brain cooties #personality disorder #relationships #breakups #mental health #aspd #cluster b #bipolar #schizoaffective #mentally interesting

[maia-radfemdu]

I feel like I've wasted away the opportunities I had while being here and evreything is soo overwhelming the exams managing my money the fact that I'll leave evreything just kinda crushes me. I thought upon coming here maybe I'll be happier and I'll finally feel alive but I'm not and I do not. Evreyone told me this depression shit will sorta solve itself out after high school well guess what I am fucking 22 and it's getting worse!!! Maybe it's just how I am and I have to learn to accept that I'll always be a miserable underachiever with no life direction. But I sincerely don't wanna live like this I'd rather just not live instead. I'm so scared I'm never gonna get better. Maybe there's no antidepressant therapy country that makes me normal. And about that fucking guy looking objectively at it he's made it crystal clear he's not interested why would I humiliate myself further lmao sometimes I feel so undeserving of idk...people to care even. I wish nobody did. Because if they do it means they see what a fucking train wreck I am and I'm really tired of disappointing everyone already. Maybe there's really no hope for me as a person, maybe some of us are really that insufferable and not made to function in society. Maybe.

#personal #sorry for this long ass incoherent rant #i didn't take my pills in a while so I'm worse than usual lmao

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Rivals - 7

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring

Characters: Hokuto, Jin

Proofreading: 310mc (JP) & Peace (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Hokuto: …I’m not afraid. I’m not scared of anything — not when I have Trickstar with me.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Soundproof Lesson Room

Time: The morning after

Hokuto: ♪~♪~♪

Phew… So what do you think of my performance, Sensei?

While I do know rushing ahead on my own won’t do me any good, I’ve at least drilled the new songs into my body.

Jin: Nn? Ah, sorry, I spaced out… Can you run through it one more time?

Hokuto: ………

Jin: Don’t look at me like that. I’m just kidding — I watched you from start to end.

Some details could use refining, but I don’t think there’s any major problem. You’ve gotten a lot better at learning new things, huh?

As a kid, you pretty much never forgot each new thing you learned, but the learning process itself used to take you more time.

Like, you were great at storing data, but bad at using it.

Lately though, you’ve gotten drastically better at learning new skills.

It proves that you’ve gotten a solidified grasp on the basics. It’s much easier to build on a solid foundation.

Your experience as part of Trickstar is making you all the better.

Your victory in SS wasn’t just for show; nobody’s gonna call you guys underachievers anymore.

Hokuto: ………

Jin: Oh, not satisfied? Maybe it’s hard to believe considering how not-serious I might come off, but that was my honest opinion as your teacher.

You’re maturing at great speed.

Pretty touching, if you ask me, to look at you and be reminded that you were the same little kid who used to toddle to me for a cuddle.

I’ve seriously aged, eh? I’ve said this countless times, but time really does pass by in a flash.

Hokuto: Hmph. Alright, fine. As long as there weren’t any problems in my performance.

Jin: Really? You seem unsure. Something’s nagging at you, isn’t it?

Isn’t that why you called me to watch you practice in the morning, even while knowing I had my own things to do?

Though to be fair, it was timely of you to do that, since I was just thinking to train more for the greater hurdles that seem to be in store for Project-Saga.

What’s worrying you? Time to consult your homeroom teacher, class rep.

Is this about your dad? He’s showbiz’s living legend, something close to God for us —

I can understand why he’d worry you. It feels like there’s no winning against him, however hard we train.

Hey, I’m just as scared of Seiya-san. I don’t think I can face off against him and come out on top, even as the idol I used to be.

Even though he’s also nowhere as impressive as the idol he used to be, being half-retired…

He’s still a fighter who's made it this far through the ongoing struggles of the idol industry.

The achievements and experience he’s built up are unrivaled, and no matter how much Seiya-san himself likes to claim he “has no talent”, he’s a super genius.

I totally get being afraid of the enormity of what we’re facing.

Hokuto: …I’m not afraid. I’m not scared of anything — not when I have Trickstar with me.

Jin: But it’s not Trickstar with you this time; it’s Rain-bows.

We've gotten to know each other pretty well thanks to everything we’ve pulled off together, but our bonds are still nowhere as tight as Trickstar’s.

Hokuto: I… guess so… Maybe there’s no use bluffing in front of you, Sensei. I’m feeling anxious, and just a little bit afraid.

From the start of Project-Saga until now, I feel like I’ve been constantly challenged as an individual.

But in Trickstar, we would reflect off each other’s light, fueling each other, and shine a thousand times brighter thanks to it.

By no means am I dissatisfied with Rain-bows. We’re becoming a better unit than I ever imagined.

But in the end, Rain-bows is a temporary perch. We start off with nothing, then throw in what heat we have to stoke up the bonfire.

The flames we’ve lit are burning bigger and hotter than I could ever imagine. But I don’t know if that’s enough…

My parents have always been the sun radiantly burning above me.

But that sun’s closing in on me now, and it feels like it might even blow away the light we’ve created with all our lives…

Like everything Rain-bows has is going to be consumed to fuel my father’s ambition.

I’m terrified of that thought… I don’t want it to happen. I’m doing my best so it won’t have to, but I don’t know if this is enough…

Even so, I can’t tell you, Morisawa-senpai, and Himemiya to put your life on the line like I asked of Trickstar.

You aside, Morisawa-senpai has Ryuseitai and Himemiya has fine.

They have comrades, homes that mean as much to them as Trickstar does to me.

I can’t ask them to offer up their whole being here, at a place far from those homes, just for some childish rebellion against my father.

If one of you asked me to do the exact same thing — maybe I would accept in the end, but I would’ve wavered and hesitated.

Jin: Haha. You’re not being yourself, holding back from your teammates.

Hokuto: Before, I probably would’ve asked without a single forethought.

It was like that at first too, with Trickstar… I was the only one all fired up, and I kept kicking the others’ butts to get them moving.

The revolution came to be and we won SS as a result, but that’s justification by hindsight. I’m not such an optimist as to think that method can work out every time.

Jin: Ooh, that sort of awareness is important. You know, when it comes to pachinko slots… you lose the moment you think luck’s on your side.

Hokuto: …You play pachinko too, sensei? You really are a useless piece of human through and through.

Jin: Don’t say that so soberly. And you don’t play pachinko you see, you bet on them.

Everybody has something they like to do as a diversion~ Shunning mine just ‘cause it’s gambling is discrimination, y’know?

[ ☆ ]

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#ensemble stars #enstars #enstars translation #hyenahunttl #s: saga #hokuto hidaka #jin sagami

[whentherewerebicycles]

friends I am experiencing an early-onset midlife crisis and it is time to get my shit together and figure out what I’m going to do about it. my job is fine but it is not sustainable to spend every week swinging wildly from chanting “I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine” into feeling like I’m in the depths of despair about wasting my one human life. it is just not sustainable and I NEED to honor my own gut feelings even if many people around me are telling me this situation is ideal. maybe they are right! but consider this: maybe they aren’t! or maybe this situation would be ideal for them but it’s certainly not ideal for me and I am the one who has to live in my own life!!!! I need an escape plan because I can already feel my confidence as a professional & a human atrophying the longer I stay in this role. so no more wallowing. I am going to set short-and long-term goals for myself and establish a clear timeline for my exit strategy. 

here are my thoughts right now:

L&D work may or may not be for me, but I can tell this job isn’t for me. it’s not utilizing any of my skills. the institution’s understanding of workplace learning seems pretty baked in. leadership’s approach is so micromanage-y it’s hard to see them giving our team the creative/intellectual freedom to define and implement a more exciting vision plan that might actually address some of the org’s challenges. I spend my days copying text into canva and creating shitty graphics, which is just not a good use of anyone’s time. I feel like the job was sliiiiightly misrepresented to me in the hiring process and it’s hard to see any of these things changing anytime soon.

I need to get something out of this job. I need to make a list of my professional dev goals (classes I can get them to pay for, books I can read, topics I want to gain greater expertise in, etc). I also need to make a separate list of the work projects I’d like to drive forward over the next couple months, so that when I’m interviewing for jobs next time around I can actually say I did something semi-useful here. I think the fact that I don’t want to be in this role long term will actually free me up to be a bit more assertive in claiming projects, taking initiative, and asking directly for what I need. I want to spend time this week working on those lists and creating a timeline for myself.

I want to kick it into high gear in terms of finishing projects early and well. I’ve been doing a decent job (getting lots of positive feedback etc and finishing things quickly) but I’m giving this job 5-10% of what I’m able to do any given week. but I honestly find it more depressing to underachieve or just do the bare minimum because it makes me feel so pointless and adrift. starting this week, I’m going to make a commitment to myself to actually perform at the level I am capable of performing at. I might feel meh about my job but I derive a great deal of meaning and self-worth from the feeling of working hard and excelling at something. I have this one side project everyone seems to think will take me a couple months. I’d like to finish 80% of it this week. I want to see if working hard makes a difference in how I feel about the work itself.

I need to be realistic about money. I want to stay in the seattle area and I want to have a kid very soon. plus I need to rebuild my savings after almost cleaning myself out to make this cross-country move. I can’t take another low-paying university job no matter how much I might want to. but I can find something that is a better fit, ideally where I am getting to use more of my people skills. I need to sit down and do some realistic calculations about how long I need to stay in this job to get my savings back up, how much I need to make annually to support myself and a kid on a single income, and what I am and am not willing to compromise on in a job. having a clear sense of my financial needs will help me decide on a timeline + exit strategy.

I enjoy the freedom of remote work but I’m not cut out for being remote in the long term. I think ideally I want a hybrid schedule with some flexibility about which days I’m in/out. I am going to start scouring job boards again with this in mind. in reading job descriptions I’m also going to start paying very close attention to what different postings are asking for. this will help me develop and refine my list of the skills, experiences, projects etc I want to pursue in my time at my current job.

I can do this. I feel really adrift but I know why: too much unstructured time, too much aloneness during the week, too much performing below the level I know I’m capable of performing at, too much not listening to my gut & trying to drown out my feelings of despair by spending money and time on house projects. I ONLY GET ONE LIFE. I ONLY GET ONE LIFE!!!!!!! I know what personal happiness + professional fulfillment looks and feels like for me. I was very lucky to have lived in that professional headspace for a few years, because it’s given me a baseline I can measure my current situation against. I don’t have to passively accept feeling the way I do right now. I don’t know how I’m going to get back to feeling more like myself but I know I am smart enough and resourceful enough to figure it out. onwards!!!!!!!

#i keep thinking aloud to myself #‘I don’t feel like myself’ #‘I don’t feel like me’ #and I feel like that has GOT to be the thing I pay attention to #I don’t feel like myself #creatively intellectually emotionally spiritually whatever #and I don’t want to acclimate myself to this new reality #I want to hold fast to my sense of who I am / the kind of person I want to be in the world

[mister-eames]

2/? comes from but more to separate arthur BD (Before Dreamshare) from Arthur AD (After Dreamshare).2. Similarly, is Eames from a wealthy background?3. Secret talents or hobbies? (I have a tendency to imagine Arthur as being extremely acrobatic & musically/rhythmically gifted. Thanks, JGL! Also I once read a fic where arthur could do parkour & the brain went BRRR! Good, yes, thank you.)4. Pet names given to arthur by eames that arthur (secretly) likes? Eames' favourite pet names for Arthur?

2. Ahhh Eames, Eames, Eames. Eamsie. I love all headcanons on his background, from wealth, to nobility, to very humble beginnings.

Eames is interesting, that way. When I'm trying to write Eames, in my head I try and justify how he got to where he is and which parts of him are a) parts of his personality that developed as an adult, and b) which are just quintessential, born-this-way 'Eames'. You know, like, he's a self-deprecating, underachieving over-achiever who gladly goes under the radar. Middle child. Has always been a shit-stirrer.

I think he walks and talks like old money and that is not a front or an act he's put on. I also don't necessarily mean that makes his family ostentatiously wealthy, or that he grew up in a mansion or whatever - but I think he grew up, at least for a time, financially comfortable. Middle-class, maybe, or what used to be middle class - could afford hobbies and take-out and movies on the weekend, could take annual vacations without straining the family budget. He learned the value of money the hard way later in life.

3. Secret talents/hobbies: Arthur I can definitely see as being talented vocally, something he doesn't have to work very hard at. He's insanely good at Jeopardy and trivia. Sucks at actual human languages but is a whiz at computer coding and taming machines, like car motors and PASIV's. Hobbies? He loves getting his hands greasy in a motor and making a car purr. Baseball. Loves going to a game at Citi Field and hearing Eames lovingly complain about how cricket is better. Avid collector of knick-knacks and could spend an entire day at yard sales and markets.

Eames - I mean, art is the obvious one, fanon wise and in my heart. I don't think he's an art snob by any means, I think he'd pay a street artist what someone else would pay for a famous painting (that Eames would steal). As the chronic underachieving over-achiever Eames has hundreds, if not thousands of his own paintings that he considers 'incomplete' but can't bring himself to finish. I'm taking this from Tom but has a genuine passion for animals, dogs in particular, not that he lets anyone know, but he's never met a fluffy animal he didn't want to pet. Will watch any animal documentary ever.

4. Look, I am such a sucker for pet names, no matter the fandom/OTP. It doesn't have to be 'babe' or 'pumpkin' it can just be a play/shortening on their actual name---still valid!! Love is STORED in the pet names/nicknames!! And Inception fandom is a bountiful trove for this and it makes me so happy!! Anyway!!! Back to your question!! 😂

Pet names given to arthur by eames that arthur (secretly) likes? - 'Darling', of course. 'Sweetheart' because most people, including Arthur, don't think there is anything sweet about Arthur - but there is at his core, under a lot of hair gel and a surly attitude and strong work ethic, etc. I think Eames favourites are the ones he says when he is least serious, most insincere sounding while trying to annoy Arthur: "my dove, my dear, my beloved" things he says in a bored drawl just to get an eye roll out of Arthur (and to hide the earnest feeling behind them). They always be pulling pigtails these two.

#inception #arthur x eames #amazing questions nonnie #again way more than you bargained for #but i cannot shut up about these two #otp of all time #headcanons

[tavarillasgalen]

feeling depressed about the supreme court decision regarding student loans and ran across another “if you live with your parents as an adult, you’re a deadbeat underachiever” post, so

imma try and list the things i’ve accomplished/am proud of so far this year.

- got promoted at work

- lost 15 lbs

- broke up with my bf of 7 years

- have a better relationship with my family than i have since...  high school?

- going from an unhealthy lifestyle to working out regularly and eating mostly healthy

- almost paid off all debts that aren’t student loan-related, only a month or two left until the only debt i have is student loans, unless something happens (hopefully nothing does)

- finally moved my horse to a stable where i can trust the people to take care of her + have been able to see her much more frequently

- started working on my books to publish again

- working on web design/development certificate

- working on nutrition certificate

- doing French lessons every day

- started doing my hobbies again + trying new ones. learning that it is ok to do things just because you like them - they don’t need to make you money, they can just be fun.

- started going after things i’ve always wanted to do - like mounted archery and adult ballet classes.

- started... living. just in general. like, making plans for the future and everything, and taking steps to help my future self, like scheduling general wellchecks.

- working on forgiving myself for all the things i didn’t do or learn and the mistakes i made because i was so suicidal for so many years. i’ll get all depressed about where i’m at in life, and then i have to remind myself that like, up until just a couple of months ago, i wanted to die. i made no real effort at a life for myself or anything because i didn’t want to be here. it’s hard, because i feel so behind in so many ways. but i’m working on being kind to myself. my past self worked so hard at just... staying alive. and for years, that was the most difficult thing. and now that i actually want to live and have a good life, a successful life, a happy life, i’m learning things and doing things that people who have generally always wanted to live have been doing for forever. i can’t be mad at my past self for not doing any of this stuff when simply living was the hardest thing. yes, i’m late to the game in a lot of things, but... i think that if people knew why, they wouldn’t judge. but it is still hard, logically knowing all this, but still getting depressed and frustrated because of things my past self didn’t do that others at the same age were doing. i’m working on it, anyway.

- just generally, my mental health is so much better. i’m nowhere near as anxious and depressed as i was mere months ago. i’m kind of going through a depressive episode now, because while most people get seasonal depression in the winter, the summer months are always the worst for me. but i can do things by myself, i can talk to people, i don’t freeze and start shaking at the idea of something new, i actually want to live? i still get suicidal thoughts sometimes, but they’re a lot rarer than they used to be, and i have zero inclination to act on them.

and more.

so while i’m nowhere near where i want to be, i’m taking steps in the right direction. i’m actively working on my goals. i actually want to live. so that’s something.

#personal

[travmalyubvi]

Another one of my attempts to draw something...well...this is humanized Dusty. Yes, it's winter. It's out of season, but, you know, it's hard to draw something spring-like when you have a snowstorm outside your window...like in my town.

Okay. I know what an underachiever I am, but I'm still learning. I hope I can draw better someday) I'll try my best.

So...today is Easter in my country (if you know, you know). I’m an atheist...

#disney planes #pixar planes #planes fire and rescue #planes #planes disney #dusty crophopper #disney #disney planes fire and rescue #humanization #fanart

[luna-rainbow]

Really sad to see your brain wasted on moronic shit like MCU….. Have you tried going outside? Or like going to college? Humans weren’t meant to liquify their brains watching and obsessing over propaganda films! You can do better than braindead shit taste media consumption :)

Thanks for giving me a good laugh, anon 😂😂😂

The fact you think college is the pinnacle of life achievement gives away how young you are. The fact you think someone’s blog is the entirety of their whole life suggests you have very little experience of real life offline. The fact that you’ve missed that my blog only posts about once a day shows you’re not very observant, nor do you use any critical thinking skills…meaning you’re either yet to get into college or you’re struggling to learn critical analysis. The fact you’re flaunting your college education like some ape-level chest thumping suggests you’re not only emotionally immature, you’re an underachiever in real life who needs to prove your worth on the Internet by…your taste in movies (🤣🤣🤣 omg I can’t stop laughing as I write this). You also clearly haven’t read my blog, so you’ve basically decided to drop in on some stranger’s lawn and take a dump, classy display kiddo, really tells me more about the kind of person you are than you think it will upset me.

The reason I am taking time to answer this is because while most of my mutuals are older and are perfectly self-assured in their preferences, there might be a few followers who are college age or younger. Listen. The only people gripped by existential dread about their taste in movies is in their teens and early twenties. You’re at an age where you want to be an adult and you’ve been told by adults that these things are for kids, and you need to now be responsible and grown up and stop having fun.

What actually changes in adulthood is that no one can stop you from having fun (as long as what you’re doing isn’t illegal of course) except yourself. I think that is what gets missed in the messaging. As an adult you need to prioritise your responsibilities, but once you do, you absolutely need a space where you can relax and unwind.

Do whatever that can effectively take away the stresses of meeting your responsibility. But what if it’s cringe — no one cares! No one is your mother or your teacher anymore! Anyone who judges you for it doesn’t deserve to be part of it! And what you’ll find is that most adults with life experience really don’t care about your niche hobby, or they might find it quaint. Differences are what makes humans interesting, not freaks, and that’s the mindset you need to unlearn from years of school life. Finally, there are so many more important things that define you as a person than your taste in movies, and people will remember you for your kindness (or conversely your nastiness), not by your movies taste.

But also yes, the MCU has turned into a hot pile of trash and there’s plenty of posts on my blog about why 🤷‍♀️

#asks #trololol #anti mcu

[smithsonian-official]

me when i am suddenly an extremely accomplished individual after a lifetime of underachieving in school due to undiagnosed learning disabilities that i had no idea how to handle