#i am just a very confused and emotional teenager complaining about shit everyone goes through

[butmomilovepeter]

bees fight; bees sting; watch them die (and you can’t do a thing)

welcome to my fix it/ happy ending time

read on ao3?

~

Peter had been going to funerals all his life.

The first one was his grandfather, when he was the ripe age of three. He doesn’t quite remember it, he doesn’t even remember missing the man. He just remembered his father and his uncle being sad, and poor little toddler Peter didn’t know why. There were times later in his life when Ben or his father would take him to see the grave, planted right next to his late grandmother’s. He felt Ben’s greif, but never his own.

The next was one that stung him in his chest from time to time--his parents. Seven years old, young enough to not remember it all, but old enough to remember what was important. If anything, he remembers the night they died clearer.

Everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. He loved spending time at his aunt and uncle’s. It was a night filled with Star Wars marathons and baking cookies. Aunt May was even letting him stay up until 10:00. But the knot that was planted in his stomach the moment Ben picked up the phone...let’s just say he could never forget the way his uncle’s face fell. The way he paled, the way his voice came out cracked.

“Pete,” said Ben, slowly, calmly. “Something bad happened.”

Aunt May was at his shoulder. “But everything will be okay, baby.”

“What? What happened?” But he could tell what was going to be said.

“Oh, Peter...mom and dad aren’t coming back.”

May dressed Peter in his own little suit, and Peter only remembered moving through the motions. Distant cousins and relatives came up and shook his hand, but all Peter could see was the double caskets, both parents slack and unmoving. He remembered he forgot to say goodbye. Forgot to say I love you. He was to busy getting all his legos together to show his uncle.

But he remembers, strikingly, the way that he tucked the tiny Iron Man figure his mother gifted him once into his coat pocket. He rubbed it between his fingers, feeling the cool metal slide in between them. Safety. This was his safety.

Uncle Ben had leaned down in front of him, his nose as red as Peter’s.

“You doing okay, kiddo?”

Peter shook his head. “Nuh-uh.”

Ben winced in sympathy. “Oh, I know, Peter.”

But eventually it gets easier, the days don’t seem so long and he never forgets a goodbye or an I love you. He goes back to school, he eats his vegetables and he still builds his legos.

Ben takes him to a Stark Expo for his eighth birthday, one of the first times he gets close to death.

And Iron Man saves him.

That year, Iron Man become more than a superhero for him.

That is, until he was fourteen.

It was cold, too cold for March. The wind was biting, unforgiving, and oh-so fitting of the day.

He had run off into the streets, angry and emotional. Honestly, Peter couldn’t remember why. It was probably a mix of Flash and his new found powers and school and everything a teenager felt.

But God, did he wish he hadn’t ran.

Ben went out looking for him, because he was Ben and he loved Peter.

Sometimes, even now, Peter could still feel the cold on his skin.

“Peter! You have to take a breath--”

“It’s too much--too much--”

And Ben put his hands on Peter’s shoulders, lowering his chin to meet Peter’s eyes. “Everything is going to be okay, but I need you too--”

And then the bang. The blood; the way his eyes widened. The way the grip on Peter’s shoulder tightened as Ben crumpled, and Ben was supposed to crumble--he was Ben Parker. He was strong and tall and was never hurt.

Peter remembered the sirens, the shadows running, the scared look in Ben’s eyes.

And he was gone, before Peter could even say a goodbye. Police separated him from his uncle, and before anyone could question him, Peter ran again. Back to his apartment, where his aunt stood in the middle of more police, more authority and neighbors and noise. But his aunt was there.

And she hugged him and held on tight, as his brain exploded.

The funeral was worse.

The cold didn’t disappear, but the knot in his stomach returned. The thought of yourfaultyourfaultyourfault stayed with him the whole time, never leaving as they lowered his uncle, his rock, into the ground. That’s the moment he realized he was never coming back.

“Peter.” May was trying to talk to him. “Peter, please look at me.”

But he couldn’t, because all he saw was the hurt.

That night, Peter took out the old Iron Man figure. A symbol of everything he was trying to be. He was far too old for superheros. But he ran his fingers across the metal, like he did when he was eight.

He was no hero. He couldn’t even save his uncle, his father.

Where was Iron Man when you needed him?

He threw the figure across his room, and for the first time, he cried. He sobbed into his pillows and he threw more, like clothes and trinkets, and knocked over the lego sets that him and Ben and Ned had spent so long doing.

May came in eventually, calmly, like approaching a wild animal.

And Peter broke. His knees crumpled, and the cries became sobs. May just held him on the floor, soothed him, patted his hair, whispered I love you’s into his ears.

“You’re not supposed to be a hero, baby. You’re just a boy.”

~

Tony Stark’s funeral is the worst of all.

It’s warm, the bugs were out, including the bees. Wasps. That stung the attendees even though everyone pretended not to care.

Peter had slipped the Iron Man figure into his pocket again, hoping no one would notice. This was for him, not for the others.

At least he got to say his goodbye. He got the I love you message across. He was grateful for that.

Little Morgan Stark was a spitting image of her father. She didn’t look sad. More confused than anything.

And as Peter sat on the porch swing, watching the bees fly around Pepper’s yellow hair and the flowers that surrounded the area, she approached him.

“You’re Pete.” That’s the first thing she says to him. And it’s no question to her, she knows exactly what she’s saying.

Peter, somehow, cracked a smile. “I am. You know me?”

“Daddy has pictures of you. He showed me.” She clumsily got up onto the swing, grabbing for Peter’s hand to help her up. She had a good mix of both her father and mother’s spirit, unstoppable and headstrong. He could see it all over. “He said you’re a superhero.”

“Superhero, huh?” Peter prompted.

Morgan nodded sharply. “Spider-Man. He told me bedtime stories.”

She laid her head on his shoulder, and Peter could feel the tears prick his eyes.

“He had pictures of me?”

She nodded. “He told me you were my brother. Just a different Mommy and Daddy.”

The knot in his stomach got a bit smaller. He didn’t notice it as much. The tears falling from his eyes were a mix of both happy and sad, as this small girl with her father’s big brown eyes laid safely and content next to him.

She was his new safety.

“I loved your Dad very much.” Peter said through tears.

“He loves you, I think. He called you a little shit. He calls me that too.”

And now Peter was laughing. “And that means he loves us?”

Morgan nodded again. “That’s what Uncle Rhodey said.”

Peter moved for the first time, taking the little girl in his arms. She didn’t squirm away, in fact, she looked like she wanted him to. She placed her small little hands on his face, looking him right in the eyes.

“Why are you crying, Pete?” She asked, tilting her head. Looking just like Tony.

“You remind me of him,” he whispers. Breathe. In. Out.

She doesn’t seem to hear him, or if she does, it doesn’t matter. She wipes his tears away, like it’s magic and she cured him of all sadness.

“Daddy says it’s okay to cry,” she whispered back. “He said you were smart.”

They subject change caught him off guard. “He did?”

“Yep. Super duper smart. Smart like him and Mommy.”

“I don’t think there’s anyone as smart as your Mommy.” Peter chuckled.

“And Auntie May came to see me sometimes.”

“She did?” Peter didn’t know that. He looked up to see May and Pepper conversing, watching their kids from afar. He found courage to offer a light smile.

“Yeah. Her and Mommy drink grown-up stuff and talked about you. Sometimes it made Daddy sad.”

She nuzzled her head into Peter’s neck, hugging him.

“What are you doing?” Peter wasn’t complaining, it was just unexpected.

“Hugging you. Daddy said when he got you back you’d get all the best hugs.”

“He did?” Peter’s voice cracked.

She doesn’t respond, so he reaches his hands up and curls her in close.

Safety. Safety. Safety.

#peter parker #tony stark #mcu #morgan stark #avengers endgame #endgame spoilers #irondad #do you want death #fic #marvel endgame #i sure want death #may parker #uncle ben #marvel #pepper potts

[kendrixtermina]

The "waifu bait" criticism of Edelgard is so dumb given that most of the cast is technically waifu/husbando bait in one way or another, they're all meant to appeal to players as romance options, and she's the only one getting flack for it. (Well, not the only one, there were some people giving Dimitri shit too for being "wish fullfillment for stupid teenage girls who think they can fix a man," but I see the complaint most often with Edelgard.)

Yeah. I mean, you can boink Rhea and Jeritza!

It’s not like satelite love interests aren’t a plague onto anime and fiction in general, but I only ever hear this “you only like them because they’re waifu/bishie” thing directed at characters who very much DO have personality, unique compelling features and plot relevance. 

I’ve also seen this thrown at, say, Evangelion’s Miss Ayanami, as if all the fascinating sci-fi concept stuff and compelling narrative about finding your own worth and making a connection in a cruel lonely world wasn’t there - and at least we do see her through a “main character’s love interest” sorta lens. (I was thinking about how Byleth is actually quite similar, except more proactive with more of a dorky side, and less philosophical/reflective, but because Byleth is the MC we come off with a fairly different impression. )

Meanwhile with Edelgard they really didn’t pull any punches, the whole story is set in motion and dominated by her active choices, most the unique designs/outfits she gets are geared to look elegant/powerful.  (Apart from the usual ‘individually wrapped boob armor would break your sternum’ thing but you’d really have to know physics for that/ could be fixed easily by making the fit more sweater-like), she has a specific discernable philosophy and makes impactful choices, that can genuinely be agreed or disagreed with.

You can’t swag her into your way of thinking - you can only ally with her under the presupposition that you already actively agree. (See all the people complaining that you cant “criticise her more”, expecting her to be like Dimitri basically even though they are exact opposites. You can only get on her route by making two deliberate choices. I mean they wrote this with your first playthrough in mind, in-universe you’re not there because you wanna complete all aroutes but because you actively chose to join her after she spent a year unsubtly trying to recruit you to her cause)

You don’t talk Claude out of his tactics either. (and forcing it all into this comparision often leads ppl to overlook that he has ambiguities or character development at all, maybe he isn’t vilified but he gets simplified and therefore wronged just as much in the end. They’re not all Dimitri. The whole point of having three or four different potential deuteragonists to choose from is that they’re different)… heck, even if you look at Dimitri, you only get him back to what he really wanted to do back in part I before his black-and-white thinking and exaggerated sense of duty got the better of him. 

With all three, joining them eventually just enables them to get closer to their actual vision. Back when you meet her in Remire, Edelgard outright tells you that “with your power on my side, we could courttail the slitherer’s atrocities much more efficiently”. You don’t change her mind at all; You enable her to use “Plan A”. Same with Claude, who otherwise plains much more defensively both because he has less support and because he’s more jaded. And Dimitri essentially pulls a Sayaka, ie being unable to live up to his own unrealistic standards drive him to lose all hope and become the very opposite of the hero he wanted to be, but you do help him get back to that, or to a more balanced mature understanding of that. 

The best proof of that is that the popularity poll numbers actually went down after the release, ie a lot of ppl who liked her just bc they liked her design were turned off that there’s a specific personality there that isn’t necessarily their type/ a MO they don’t necessarily agree with. Or all those peeps complaining that the S-support was too understated for them. Claude got that too - They’re just not the most open/expressive people in the world, one would think that after playing through their routes you would know and understand that. Whereas Dimitri has been super emotional from day one (which is both his greatest strength and greatest weakness), so it figures that he’d be more conventionally romantic. 

- Hardly things that would happen if she were written to be “blandly pleasant”.  I mean generally speaking she’s not the best as showing her feelings and when she does she’s often pretty blunt at it even with her closest friends (El: ”Hubert! I order you to tell me what it is you’re not telling me!” Hubert: [elegantly weasels out of answering] El: [after he’s left the room] I’m worried about him tho. )

Seems senseless to claim that she’s blandly pleasant when she’s absolutely gotten a love-it-or-hate-it-marmite-reaction all across the board. It also seems to go along with the implicit idea that everyone who likes her is heterosexual boys. I’m neither, and it’s not like heterosexual boys aren’t ever interested in “plot” or “writing” I mean geez. Though I would resist the temptation to fully ascribe it to things like that. 

To an extent it’s simply confusion. “How can they like this thing that obviously sucks? Must be an ulterior motive”, whereas in reality ppl who like her have probably parsed what happened here differently to begin with (It depends greatly on how powerful you concluded Rhea was, ie, wether what Edelgard is doing is a conquest or a revolt. She certainly sees it as a revolt. Even today in the modern day most of us see revolts as legitimate, or at least, if they get overly destructive, as a fault of the bad government. Heck, there are many on this very site who would label all revolts legit by default (”eat the rich”, the more ‘original sin-like’ variants of privilege theory) which is further than I would go )

There certainly are a bunch of ‘cute’ scenes post holy-tomb scene and under the assumption that Edelgard is this my-way-or-the-highway type of person that many have her pegged as I can see how they might think that it “makes no sense” but that’s really down to wanting her not tp step outside of that idea they have of her. I mean even supervillains have silly everyday situations. Bin Laden loved Disney Movies, Hitler loved his dogs. By itself that has nothing to do with morality or likeability. It’s just being human. Supervillains blush, not because they’re not villains, but because they have blood vessels in their faces. It’s only logical that once you get close to someone and get them to trust you, you get to see more of their silly or vulnerable sides. It’s the same with Rhea. (except that the same people argue that having personable vulnerable sides at all makes Rhea good s of course it causes some cognitive dissonance when Edelgard also has them. I’ve yet to see ppl calling “waifuism” on Rhea (whom I would consider a full-fledged villain), and they shouldn’t - it’s characterization.) Same with ppl calling Edelgard a “manchild” for liking stuffed animals and sweets. She’s actually very mature and adult for her age, having some interests that aren’t super high-minded is just realistic and if you looked at her as a full 3D person who can have more than one trait you’d see that. 

This also goes with that tendency of holding up AM as the gold standard complaining about the lack of AM-like plot that they completely miss the different but equally compelling character arcs in VW and CF. That’s not a lack of arc, that IS the arc, it’s just a different arc: We get to see this tough, in-control high-minded character who’d completely given up on the normal life she wanted so much and resigned herself to never being understood finding out that she is very much still capable of normalcy and humanity and finding friendship and love and I think that’s beautiful. It’s my jam. 

And it’s meaningful precisely because it’s a change from only seeing the tough leader guise otherwise. Complaining about that is like complaining about getting to see Claude’s more wistful, dreamy, benevolent, not-entirely self-interest side in VW or claiming that the writing would be better if he were just a straight-up selfish trickster. Actually, if you removed their heroic traits you’d end up with a lot more generic characters. You’d simply get every wild card trickster ever, and every “Nietzschean” villain ever.  It’s the fact that they’re unconventional heroes that makes Claude and Edelgard so unique, compelling and interesting. If you like conventional heroes, Dimitri is right here. Your basic heroic fantasy ‘rightful king returns/ soft peace loving hero’, plus your basic jrpg guilt-ridden angsty protagonist. I mean there’s good reason that these character archetypes are popular. Plus he’s especially well-executed and recontextualized by the contrast to the others, but there he is, enjoy him! We’re not stopping you. 

It’s really Seteth who came up short arc wise. You could have given him an arc, the potential was there, he essentially transistions from protecting himself and his family to taking on his family’s heroic quest and rising up to that, but he doesn’t get like, a scene reflecting on that. Or you could’ve sent them on some mission to actually curb some corrupt cardinals etc, shown them actually reforming the church and realizing that it wasn’t all perfect, after all he very much knows that Rhea herself wasn’t all perfect. 

For all that much of media is obsessed with making characters “hot”, the truth is that if people like them for any reason, they will find them hot anyways, regardless of whether that was the intention. (unless the people in question are aroace, or the character is a literal, realistic prepubescent child)

You don’t have to “make”  a character hot for ppl to find them so.

#fire emblem: three houses #fire emblem three houses #fe3h #edelgard von hresvelg

[spider-bih]

Eleven Minutes.. [Peter Parker]

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Warnings: My angst has bust in full force thanks- flashbacks in italics in case thats confusing

A/N: I’m alive??? Works killer n i miss this crai- also, doing page breaks a diff way bc tumblr mobile refuses to show page breaks smh. No, I have not seen Endgame or any leaked footage so this contains no spoilers, (I did see it, since this was edited and made before and after Endgame, however, this will atill contain no spoilers and will continue in how I thought it would end <3) just vague mentions of IW and what an aftermath might be like idek

❝I’ᴍ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, ᴀɴᴅ I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴍɪssᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟʟ ᴅᴀʏ..❞

You assumed you shouldn’t be doing this, what with your state of emotions but.. if you didn’t, you weren’t sure if these emotions would ever settle. You had to have closure, even if the outcome wasn’t what you expected or wanted. Hell, you were barely sure what you even wanted out of this. What was the point? What was there to even gain anymore? Why were you lying to yourself when you knew you still wanted this?

There was so much you’d put up with on your end- and sure, maybe you had no right to complain. You knew what you were getting into those few years ago. You knew who he was and how he was, but still. You hoped you’d get him to see reason. You knew you would-

A teenager shouldn’t have to go through all that. Not even an adult should, but of course, perhaps an adult could better process it. An adult wouldn’t struggle so hard, and that’s only because their brains aren’t still working to fully develop themselves and the body they inhabit. Struggling with something so hard so young.. it does things to you and those around you. It does things to your relationships.

Funnily enough, the same could be said of a teen simply having a romantic relationship at all. Yet, the latter doesn’t have you bearing the weight of the world upon your still growing shoulders.

You struggled to hold that weight with him. Nights filled with the metallic scent and taste of blood were the norm. Those nights always felt panicky or hurt- those nights always caused arguments and overpowering feelings of helplessness. You weren’t built to be a damsel in distress, but you knew your limits. He surpassed them, but even he had his own, and as much as you wished they were endless, they weren’t. That night when he didn’t come home- that day when all the world saw was ash.. that was almost the final straw. How crazy is it that it wasn’t?

That months of mourning and horrific questions and theories, wasn’t entirely the cause of this? Months of staring out your window and just hoping he was lost and not.. gone. So much time spent feeling like you could have prevented it somehow- and feeling like you didn’t savor enough of the good moments. The hand holding, the sweet kisses and sweet murmurs of affection under stars- none of it felt like enough. Not enough to sate you or make you feel like yourself..

❝I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ, I’ᴍ sᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ sᴏʀʀʏ..❞

Seeing his face again was almost like having whiplash- only ten times worse.

You’d only dreamt of seeing him again, of getting to touch him and feel his hands holding you close. Only in your dreams did you get to feel like.. he had never left. You wanted to punch him, but you also wanted to hug him. All you could settle for was breaking down. Your knees gave out from under you, and he caught your crumpling form, allowing you to thrash at him because he was sure he deserved it. You both knew he didn’t, but feelings never really align with logic. Feelings do as they pleased, especially when they decided to consume you.

You cried until you couldn’t- until your throat was scratchy and your body felt weak.

“I’m sorry..”, he tells you, and you just shake your head.

“I am too.”

He doesn’t know, and maybe he never will, but the sorry wasn’t for hitting him. It wasn’t for him having to see you like this. It was because he was one of many, that had to watch themselves go- only his was worse. You were sure his senses screamed at him, that his powers tried to alert him and or stop it all, but they failed. He had to feel himself wither away, and you could only imagine what that might feel like for a Junior in High School. For a growing young man.

“I broke my promise though. I want you to know I never meant to and you were all I could-”

“Please.”, you cut him off as quick as you could, “Please, I just.. you’re here now and I.. I don’t want to think of any of that..”

“Okay. I understand.”, he says, and he does. No one wants to be told they were the last thing to be thought of. True, it means well but.. no one wants to lose someone. They don’t want to think of their lats thoughts or last words. They just want them with them, alive and well. He did his best to give you that.

“Thank you.”

❝Yᴇᴀʜ, I’ᴠᴇ sᴇᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏ ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ’ ᴅᴀʏ sɪɴᴄᴇ I ʟᴇғᴛ. Yᴏᴜ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟᴏᴏʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀɴᴅs ʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

Days were hard and nights were long. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking that night. He just knew he had to fix this, his gut was telling him he needed to fix this. You walked through hell with him, held his hand while the whole world was engulfed in flames and he had the utter audacity to let you go? To let you slip through his fingers when you were doing your best to stay? To help?

He was in the wrong and he was sure of it. He was wrong for expecting none of his life to affect you. For allowing himself to think that because you’re not experiencing anything he has firsthand, that you had no room to say anything. You’d watched him get beat down- get damn near killed on a few occasions. Fuck- you even lost him once. You went entire hours and days and weeks and months just.. without him. Not from a break up or vacation or something normal. For you, he was dead, and something like that is horrifically traumatic at best, even if he was here now. No amount of promises can fix that. There will always be that bit of fear stuck in you, and you had every right to keep it there.

You have every right to tell him what you told him- to ask what you’ve asked.

He had no right to say what he said, and he’ll regret it his whole life long.

How could he say he didn’t need you? Lie right to your heartbroken face and get mad that you asked him to just once stop? To live for himself- to come home unscathed?

The broken look in your eyes absolutely broke him.. the sad soft tone to your voice- and then the anger. The bottled up rage and hurt, the venom in your words had absolutely paralyzed him, and then, in the silence, in the aftermath, he saw what he had done. He felt it when he woke up alone, warm sun on his back, but no warm body next to him. Soon the very scent of you was gone, your perfume no longer lingered, your clothes weren’t mixed in with his laundry basket- nothing. There was no trace of you.

It was a type of lonely he’d hoped to never experience. May stopped asking for you and only looked at him with sadness when you were mentioned. He never told her a thing- he assumed she figured it out, or maybe you told her.. he wasn’t sure.

He just needed you back, at any cost.

❝Aɴᴅ I’ᴍ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssᴇᴅ, ᴀʟʟ I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪs ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴄʜᴇsᴛ..❞

“Oh, so you don’t need me, huh?”, you say, your voice is soft but tight, and he knows what’s going to happen next. He knows you well enough- he’s only taken in every last bit of you he could since he was sixteen. Only ever loved you since he learned what that was- what it really was. He liked to think you and him were the anomaly- a tiny percentage of teens that did know what love was..

“No. I-”

“You don’t? So you didn’t need me patching you up all those times so May wouldn’t lose her shit? So she wouldn’t flip the fuck out at her only nephew- at her only boy, risking his life constantly? Didn’t need me when you were as good as dead to the fucking world and May was so lost? Not last night when you were screaming in pain and couldn’t go to Tony because even he would tell you to cut the shit and let someone else handle it?!”

“He wouldn’t-”

“He would! You’re not doing this for the same reasons anymore! It’s not for your Uncle or May or even me! It’s only for you! Just for you because you’re still scarred from what happened and refuse to be beaten by anyone! You don’t want to feel helpless but fuck- think about how everyone else feels! We-”

“You’re all alive aren’t you?! Well and okay and safe, aren’t you?! I am doing it-”

“NO!”, you scream, and he goes quiet. The anger in him seems to just fizzle out. You’ve never screamed at him that way- the fire in your voice- the look in your eyes. It was torture.

“No.”, you hiss, “No we’re not okay. May is far from okay and I’m right with her. You’re throwing yourself at danger- you’re getting careless. The biggest threat to us all is gone Peter. He’s not coming back. He’s not in any of the villains you’ve fought. He won’t be in any future ones. You can relax- but you won’t. This fear is eating at you. You’re scared and you won’t even admit it anymore.”

“I’m not scared. I’m fine and I really don’t need you on my case about this. You’re better off leaving if you think I’m gonna stop. Go move on like you did when you thought I was gone.” The last part was a low blow and he knew it. You couldn’t know when he was coming back or if he was. It wasn’t even moving on. It was just doing what you could to not be drowned every waking moment of every day. Even if it meant laughing like nothing went wrong- like there was no gaping hole in your chest.

Even if it was with what friends you had left, even if, in the moment, it looked like you’d never missed him. Yes, he realized he was wrong when you gasped how you did. When you cried instantly and threw yourself into him- but some evil and minuscule voice in his head said it was lie. Though, that itself, was a huge lie.

“I can’t believe you’d-”

“Believe it.”, he had said, and by God he wishes he hadn’t.

❝Sᴏ ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴛᴜᴘɪᴅ, ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ sᴀᴅ, ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ. Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀsᴛ I’ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴅ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴋᴇᴇᴘs ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ..❞

You never answer to unknown numbers. If they weren’t in your contacts and no one was set to call, they weren’t worth answering. Something in you had told you to answer the phone and for once- just once, you did. You almost hung up when your first few ‘Hello’s gained you no response. You didn’t know that sound of your voice sent him into shock for a moment or so. It had been so long since he heard it. He spoke so fast too, a nervous tick of his. Speedy and stuttery. It’s how he always had been, and you half-hated half-enjoyed the way it made your heart do flips in your chest. Butterflies rose up in you and you felt like a teen again.

It was insane how after all this time he still had you like that. How you knew his apologies were sincere and how you had missed him so so very much. he had missed you too- he was practically dying without.

“I’m like.. eleven minutes away from you by my webs I just- please. I want to see you- I want to talk this out. That was a low blow and I.. I was so wrong, about it all. I could use a break- I should have taken one- should have thought more of you and May when I was out doing what I was doing. I.. I don’t know about putting up the mask forever but.. I don’t need to fight everything. I sure as hell don’t need to fight you.. please.”, he had said.

“Okay but.. you’re only eleven minutes away from me if I keep driving like this for.. ha, eleven minutes. You’ll be farther if I just stop.”, you tease, just cause you could. You’d earned that much.

“... I’ll swing for a half hour- even longer just.. I miss you. I-.. god, please. I mean I understand but.. please..”

You sigh softly, unable to deny that you wanted this too, “I didn’t stay I’d stop driving. I’ll see you there.”

He lets out a breathy laugh of relief, “Great. I.. I’ll be there. Promise.”

“See you soon.”

❝Yᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴇʟᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴀᴡᴀʏ, sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ?❞

“Maybe I deserve this..”, Peter sighed into his mask, overlooking the city from where he was perched. He had Karen keeping an eye out for you or your car. You had said eleven minutes. Karen detected one traffic incident but it was a route you never took. It was shorter, but accidents were frequent there. He didn’t dare look into what might be involved in that traffic incident. Not just because he didn’t want to be tempted to go check it out- but also because he knew his luck. He knew yours. He didn’t want to panic, but with every passing second, he was losing it.

All the worst case scenarios were running through his head. Every bad possible thing- because of course it’d happen. Of course the day he finally decides to call you- to get some courage and-

“She’s here.”, Karen says, and relief courses over him. You’re here and once he lays eyes on you he feels as weak as always. You’re still as he remembers and he swears it’s like you haven’t changed. He can feel you so near and you’d only just gotten there. Memories flooded through him and his longing grew. He missed you- oh fuck, he missed you so much. It took everything in him to not web you to him- but he couldn’t risk that, not now and not here. He had to make it seem like he didn’t notice you. You knew the drill. Years of being with him, you knew the risks and when it was alright to take them, now wasn’t the time. You had to play it safe. Anyone could be watching.

You stood by the building and waited like you were waiting on someone to come out. He kept his head forward but his eyes stayed on you. He was damn glad no one could see his eyes with the mask on. Karen kept a look out, being sure nothing was nearby. He had to wait on her all-clear, simply because his own emotions and wants fogged his rationality and focus, especially when it came to you. You’d always clouded his thoughts, even when he was out as Spider-Man. How could you not? You were and still are his everything. He’d always love you, even if this meeting didn’t go as he hoped. There was no one out there like you, there never would be.

“God- I want to jump down to her- she’s even looking at me with that little grin-”

“No, Peter. I have not given the all-clear. I am still searching and you have poor judgement with her.”

“Ouch, Karen- even you’re mad at me? Still?”

“I-”

Gunshots went off suddenly, someone was screaming about a drive-by but it wasn’t warning enough. He was up high and you were down there. He jumped but he wasn’t fast enough. Super-speed wasn’t in his arsenal of powers. Nothing helpful in the moment was, but he still tried. The very second he saw the gunfire nearing you, he jumped. He leaped for his very life, reached with all his might but you slipped away, stray bullets shocking you into falling. You fell right onto the concrete. People in passing were screaming- some started crying out of fear, dropping to the ground like flies. For every shot, three people went down. It was chaos and as selfish as it was, he only cared about you in the moment. Spider-Man wasn’t there, Peter was. Peter only needed to see you- he had to hope you were fine-

He hoped you were only grazed- begged for you to be fine.

“Please..”

He didn’t look, he didn’t pause, he went straight for the nearest hospital once he reached your limp body. Swinging high and fast- in a way he knew you’d hate if you were conscious- or just awake enough to know. You had to just be out from shock- nothing else- His adrenaline was pumping through him like mad- like never before. Harder than when he felt himself dying- quicker than anything ever. His breaths were ragged and raspy- raw and painful. His chest was tight and he had to fight to see through his tearing eyes. His fear was eating him alive, shaking his core and straining his muscles.

The nearest hospital seemed so far away. It seemed like thousands of miles- like his webs weren’t fast enough- and the warmth seeping into his suit wasn’t helping a damn thing. It was like it was weighing him down with every passing moment. Every second you weren’t yet at that hospital, he was losing his mind. Panic was absolutely consuming him and yet he continued.

“Please- oh my go- please- for fucks sake- not her!”

He screamed for a doctor once he landed- lost his mind as he ran in. He can’t remember what he yelled or who he scared. he didn’t care if this could get you labeled as someone Spider-Man knew. He could fight that battle later. He had to survive this one first.He had to let them get you on a gurney- had to ignore the splotches of dark red on you- had to forget how limp you felt. he only focused on your breaths, shallow as they were, they were something.

He hated that he had to change out of his suit- it meant he had to leave- and being alone was no help. He had to peel his suit off and ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach. Had to ignore the sickening warmth that stuck to him- sticky and noisy but he had to ignore it. Hopefully it was his blood and he couldn’t feel it. Maybe he had been grazed. The blood on his palms couldn’t be yours. He’d never be so unlucky- not like this not now or ever. It couldn’t be this way. He had to remember that as he ran back in- as he put on the facade that he’d heard from some friends or something and had to know your condition.

He had to play positive thoughts in his head like a mantra in his head as he waited on news. You couldn’t go- you promised. Years ago, you promised you’d be his girl forever. Even when you two fought- even when he was being a damned idiot. You’re his everything- you wouldn’t leave him. You swore- you even agreed to see him after the stupid shit he said.This couldn’t happen. He loved you, you loved him- how rare was that? A love worth fighting for, a love that went through hell and back? A love people wrote books and novels about- full on series that ended tragic for shock value. That couldn’t happen to him- he couldn’t be some cliche. You would be damned if you ever became some-

“Mr.Parker..”

His head shot up, “Yeah?”

The silence the followed was deafening. His heart thrummed in his ears as the nurse who called him beckoned him to follow. The very halls made his senses go off- there were people just hanging on the brink- there were people morning- people talking to someone hooked up to machines with no promise of waking. People saying goodbye- he wasn’t going to say goodbye- you never said goodbye. Once you learned his secret, it was never goodbye, only ever see you soon. It was because you knew. Goodbyes weren’t something he ever wanted to hear with a life like his. With losses like his. Peter grew to hate goodbyes as dumb and cliche as that sounded. You didn’t care though, you let him hate them and made sure not to say it. You had the chance to when you left him, but you didn’t. You didn’t stoop to his level and.. well, you didn’t want it to be goodbye. He had forced your hand-

The nurse led him to the Doctor in charge of your care. His face made Peter’s heart drop.

“Is sh-”

“I’m sorry..”

❝I ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴇʟʟ ᴍʏ sᴏᴜʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ʙɪᴛ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ..❞

“You promise you’ll be careful?”

“Only if you promise you’re my girl forever.”

You laugh softly and his chest feels like it might burst.”You’re silly, you know the answer to that.”

“Mhmm.. but I don’t? I’m oblivious, you know this considering you had to make the first move for us to even be like this.”

You roll your eyes playfully, “Well, you are right about that.. hmm..let’s see.”

He pouts, “Aw, c’mon, don’t be like that. You’re already my girl now, what’s so wrong with forever?”

You pretend to think, and it’s convincing enough to make him scared until you grin bigger than he’s ever seen. It was a smile he grew to adore, “Absolutely nothing Peter. I’ll always be here, even when you’re oblivious.. or dumb.. or-”

“No no, I get it. You don’t have to get specific.”

“You have to promise me too.”, you say.

“What?”

“Promise me you’re my dumb nerd forever?”

He makes a face, “Dumb nerd- I-”

“Promise.”, you insist, and he goes quiet, because now you’re serious. He gets why. He understands what you’re insinuating.His face softens and he accepts the rude description of him, only because you had called him yours.

He steals the softest kiss from your lips, grinning like a moron after, “You know better than I do that I’m only yours. Always. I was yours before you even knew it.”

“... You must think you’re so cool for kissing me first for once-”

“God- shut up! Let me live- just because you said those three words first doesn’t- hey! Don’t laugh! We were having a moment- I can’t-” and the rest dissolves into laughter.

In that moment he loved you so much, and he grew to love you even more. He wouldn’t trade you for the world. Not with you laughing like that- not with your smile like that. You were so beautiful then..

You were beautiful even now, as he laid you to rest with family, tears streaming down his face..

“You promised..”, he whispered, but no one could hear him. “You fucking promised and- god you were right there. I had you- I saved you- I’ve done it a thousand times why-”, he chokes on a sob, curling over to try and support himself but it’s not working. He’s crying out your name but you’re not responding.

You’re right fucking there, but you’re not moving and it’s absolutely killing him. You fought through everything with him- The Snap- villains that snapped his bones like twigs- beat him to a pulp. You were used as bait by a villain that knew too much- he saved you from them. From a falling building- from death- so what the fuck?

How is there no one for him to blame? No one he knew personally- no one but himself- but time and fate?

“It was only eleven minutes- god- I was ready to be done I swear- please- come back, I- Fuck.. god- I’m..”, he started to sob, “Come.. come home to me.. come... home with me..”

Everything was lost to sobs.. and not a damn soul could pry him from where you lay.

❝sᴏ ᴡʜʏ ᴀʀᴇɴ’ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʜᴇʀᴇ..❞

Making a new taglist soon but taggin @starksparker to be an ass. Also @grandmascottlang and @spiderboytotherescue

#peter parker #peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #peter parker reader insert #peter parker fic #peter parker fanfic #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker imagine #peter x you #peter x reader #peter reader insert #peter fic #peter fanfic

[chuffyfan87]

An Offer I Can't Refuse. Part 3a

Cowritten with @fairheads.

-x-

After a couple of weeks of awkwardness as they figured out the exact logistics of their plan Charlie and Duffy settled into their newfound physical intimacy without tipping off those around them that anything had changed. At least that's what they thought anyway...

It appeared a few members of the team had their suspicions, Duffy and Charlie seemed to be spending more and more time whispering to each other.

Concerned they'd been rumbled Duffy pushed for more distance between them.

This disappointed Charlie, he had been enjoying spending more and more time with Duffy.

Feeling put out he allowed himself to be distracted by the alluring charms of a pretty young social worker who had been attached to the department.

“Hello Samantha, looking lovely today!” Charlie sidled up to the social worker. He didn’t realise Duffy was standing behind them.

"Oh hi Charlie, call me Sammy! Everyone else does. It's a new blouse, do you like it?" She giggled girlishly.

“It looks great on you, really brings out your blue eyes!” He winked at her.

"You say the nicest things Charlie!" Sammy giggled, fluttering her eyelashes at him.

Charlie was working his charm, but Duffy had watched the whole thing unfold.

Sammy's simpering was making Duffy nauseated. She turned on her heel and stormed towards admin. "You say the nicest things Charlie!" She mocked nastily under breath, not realising that she was walking past Megan as she did so.

Charlie was surprised by her outburst, it wasn’t like her to be jealous and she had made it very clear that she didn’t want a relationship with him, despite them sleeping together a number of times now.

Duffy stopped abruptly in her stride as she heard Megan call her name.

Megan could tell that Duffy was upset by something as soon as she caught up with her. “Time for a cuppa?” She asked Duffy kindly.

"I was just..." Duffy began to say no but could see that Megan didn't mean it as a suggestion. "Sure, why not?" She sighed.

Megan guided her into the staff room and began to make them both a cup of coffee. “Penny for them. And before you start, none of this I’m fine malarkey, I know you better than that!”

"I don't know what you mean..."

“I know that you’re upset about something lovey... So out with it!”

"I'm not upset. I just can't believe that Charlie is taken in by that simpering twit!" Duffy replied, rolling her eyes.

“You know Charlie, he’s a ladies man, has them all wrapped around his finger.” Megan studied Duffy’s reaction closely.

"You'd think he'd be past the hormonal teenager stage by now, he's a grown man and she's fifteen years younger than him if she's a day!"

“Something tells me this bothers you more than it should?” Megan tried.

"Oh he wishes!" Duffy snorted derisively.

“Has something happened between you two?” Megan could see through all of Duffy’s protestations.

"No!" Duffy retorted, grabbing the mug of coffee from the counter.

“Duffy...” Megan reached for her arm.

Duffy grimaced as she took a mouthful of her coffee. She forced herself to swallow the liquid. "What?!"

“You’ve slept with him haven’t you...”

"Only in that pervy little mind of his."

Megan left it for a while, something had bothered Duffy and she was trying to work it out.

Leaving the rest of her coffee on the counter Duffy excused herself to her office.

Megan left it a few hours, but then caught Duffy glancing over at Charlie and Samantha, who had spent the entire shift flirting. Duffy looked enraged but at the same time had tears brewing.

Eventually Megan seized her chance when she saw Duffy heading into the ladies toilet.

“Right missy, we’re not leaving here until you explain what’s going on. Something has happened between you and Charlie, you look like you could kill him. Spill.”

"Oh for the love of..!" Duffy grumbled. "There's nothing to say. Please just leave me to go to the toilet in peace."

“I’m not moving.”

"I'm pretty sure there's patients that need seeing Megan..." Duffy replied, folding her arms as she lent against the sink.

“Well you are a bigger concern to me at the moment, what’s he done?”

"I have no idea. Maybe ask him?"

“What have you done?”

"Nothing..." Duffy's breath hitched slightly.

Megan moved closer to her and touched her arm. “Come here,” She enveloped Duffy in a hug.

After a few moments Duffy pulled away from Megan, dashing into the toilet cubicle without a word.

“Duffy love...”

The only reply from the younger woman was the sound of violent vomiting.

Megan waited until Duffy came out of the toilet and passed her some tissues. Duffy look as pale as a ghost. “Should I be worried?”

"Dodgy takeout." Duffy mumbled but didn't look up.

“Look Duffy, I need you to know that you can always come to me, whatever.”

"I... Oh shit!" Duffy gasped, running back into the cubicle.

“I think you need to go home Duffy, you’re not well!” Megan shouted over the sounds of Duffy being sick again.

"I'll be OK..." Duffy groaned when she finally dragged herself out of the cubicle once more.

“I think we should get you checked over Duffy, you’re not looking so great.” Megan urged.

"No point." Duffy sighed.

“What do you mean?”

"I took a test this morning before coming to work." Duffy admitted, staring at her shoes.

“Oh my! Congratulations!! Who is the lucky man?”

Duffy began to laugh, sounding near the point of hysteria.

“No, you cannot be serious!”

Duffy didn't reply.

“Please tell me I’m wrong here, you and Charlie slept together?”

"If I say no you won't believe me."

“You silly girl!”

Duffy rolled her eyes. "Here we go..!" She muttered.

“What were you thinking!? You know Charlie is a serial heartbreaker! I’m gonna kill him!”

"You've got no idea Megan."

“If he thinks he can do this to you, he’s got another thing coming. I’m going to find him right now, give him a piece of my mind!” Megan began to storm out of the bathroom.

"Megan! Wait!" Duffy gasped, attempting to run after the older nurse, not an easy task when she felt so wretched.

Megan was marching towards the office.

Charlie's head flew up as the door burst open.

“Charlie Fairhead, just you wait until I’ve finished with you!”

Duffy skittered into the office behind Megan still looking utterly dreadful.

“Who do you think you are?” Megan shouted at Charlie.

Charlie looked up at Megan’s sudden entrance. “Megan?”

"Megan please!" Duffy begged.

“Duffy?” Now Charlie was confused.

Duffy sighed, this wasn't going to end well.

“Now look here young man, I know you seem to have some kind of difficulty keeping it in your pants...” Megan began. Charlie looked from Megan to Duffy and back again, what was going on?

"Megan! This is between me and Charlie."

“Duffy? What’s this all about?” Charlie could hazard a guess but she was the one who wanted to keep this from everyone else.

"Take a guess..." Duffy sighed.

“You told her?” Charlie didn’t yet realise the enormity of what Megan had discovered.

"It was fairly obvious." Megan interjected.

“What do you mean? Duffy?” Charlie couldn’t understand how Megan could have worked out that they had been sleeping together.

"I got sick." Duffy explained softly.

Charlie’s eyes widened. “Megan, please can I have a moment with Duffy?”

Megan looked from Charlie to Duffy and back again. "You mess this up and you will answer to me." She told Charlie firmly.

Megan shut the door behind her and Charlie moved towards Duffy, taking her hands.

Duffy sighed and pulled her hands away.

“Are you okay?”

"Fine."

“Duffy..."

"Yeh?"

“Are you pregnant?”

Duffy nodded.

Charlie stepped over and hugged her, kissing her head.

Duffy gasped as he squeezed her tightly. "Charlie!"

“You okay?”

"I don't want to get sick again."

Charlie released her. He was in shock, he didn’t know what to do or what to say.

She moved to perch on the edge of his desk.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He reached for her leg.

"I only found out for sure this morning. I was going to tell you but, well..." She caught the mixture of emotions crossing his face. Fearing he might be about to say something stupid she tried to divert him. "Don't you have better things to be doing right now?"

“Duffy... You’ve just told me you’re pregnant with our baby, I’m not sure there is anything else I need to be doing. Talk to me... Please.”

"Really? You seemed pretty keen to get into simpering Sammy's knickers earlier!" Duffy sneered.

Charlie looked down. “Duffy, nothing was happening there, we were just talking...”

"Yeh right." She rolled her eyes. "That's exactly why I don't do relationships. Wave a pretty young girl in front of you and you're all the same, panting like a dog in heat! It's pathetic!"

“That’s not fair Duffy and you know it!”

"I don't know why you're complaining, you get the best of both worlds." She retorted, hopping down from the desk.

“Duffy I’m not interested in Samantha, I’m interested in you, but you won’t let me in...” His voice lowered.

"You agreed to the terms Charlie."

“You are impossible! You don’t want me talking to anyone else, yet you don’t want me either. And Megan thinks I’m the big bad wolf.”

"Oh will you get over yourself! You honestly think you're God's gift don't you?!"

“No, not at all in fact. You make sure I’m put in my place.”

"Oh so I'm the bad guy in all of this am I?! I did this for you Charlie!" She yelled, her hands resting on her stomach.

Charlie was taken aback, he rubbed his neck. “I will support you, but you’re going to have to let me...”

"I'll allow you to have equal access to the baby. You can even come to appointments if you really want to."

Charlie remained silent, this was turning out to be more difficult than he thought. “What now?”

"No not right now, I'm in the middle of a shift!" Her eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“I meant where do we go from here...” He sighed.

"Exactly like we agreed. Your name goes on the birth certificate and you have equal parental rights."

Charlie could do nothing but nod. “What do we tell Megan?”

"Well right now she thinks I'm a silly little girl who let you seduce me."

“What can I do?”

"Well once its had chance to sink in more I'm fully expecting her to yell at me for being stupid enough to get pregnant again when Peter isn't even a year old yet." Duffy sighed.

#chuffy #charlie and duffy #charlie fairhead #lisa duffin

[fureniku]

Life

So... I said previously that I wouldn’t blog here. I’m going to change that slightly.

I still have my private blog (Inbox me if you want the URL), but on here I’m going to post thoughts and stuff that are a little more public, but still not quite facebook-safe. Maybe these are more relatable for others as well, considering they’ll be more generic and conceptual instead of specific to my life. However; they may still have triggers for people - so be warned of that.

So tonight, 

Blog #1 - Life. 24th January 2018 Start time: 20:59

Life. For as long as we have been here, people have asked; what is the meaning of life? They ask this from sheer curiosity - why are we here, sentient meat-machines living on a little ball of dirt and water in an endless void. Is there a purpose? Were we created by some divine being, or maybe deposited by aliens... or maybe we’re just an accident of biology.

When they ask the meaning of life, they ask about life as a whole. All of humanity, and even extending to the animals, insects, plants - every last life form of the planet.

But what if we dial it back? What if we ask about it from a personal view; Why am I here specifically? as opposed to us as a collective?

When you really think about it, how many humans can say they truely enjoy life? Granted, not everyone is depressed, or suicidal... but are they really happy? Lets run through what life consists of.

First, you are conceived. Then you spend 9 months of nothingness just developing and growing until you’re eventually born as a baby- year zero. The first two years of your life most people don’t really remember - at most only tiny snippets and concepts as we learn how to human. From there we start to develop our memories and our personalities. Ages 3-4 are great, you just play with toys and don’t really have any problems. Life value is pretty high, for you.

Next up, school time! Most countries tend to start children at school around age 4 or 5 (We’re going to stick with developed countries for this run through). And, like those early years, it’s pretty easy. You’re learning social skills, you’re getting a very basic education that’s generally disguised as play and you’re making friends that may last for decades. Sometimes teachers might get annoyed because you did something wrong, and that can be stressful - you’re learning that negative emotions can be sourced from other people, as opposed to just dropping your new lego car.

In the UK, your first real standardized test (Year 2 SATs) comes at the age of about 6/7. For many kids that can start to bring on pressure to do well - even if only slight - a sort of prequel to the stress of work to come later. You’re barely 7 years old and already you have to start living to responsibilities. Most stuff is still easy so life value is still good, but not quite where it was.

The next few years of school get a little more challenging. You’re doing real education now, you’re starting to learn things about the world - how it works (basic physics and biology), what happened (history) and so on. You learn about these huge wars in which hundreds of thousands of people died, you learn about the vastness of the oceans containing immesurable amounts of life... you start to realise there’s more to this world than just the few square miles around your house and school. It leads up to (in the UK) your second major standardized test around age 10/11. This one has more pressure, it’s often used by your next school to group you so can have an important impact. Naturally the teachers are stressed, they want you to do well... but that rubs off on you, the student. You don’t quite understand why they’re worried yet as you don’t really know the concepts of bad performance affecting their career, but nonetheless you feel pressure to do well, to not upset them. Life value slips just another tiny bit down.

Now, we move to our new school. Most of the time it’s a much bigger school with lots more people. Social status instantly plays a huge role in everything - and this is where you will define yourself as a person for the next 10+ years and make decisions that will impact the rest of your life. No pressure, young one!

At the tender age of 14 you are asked to make a decision on what you want to study. Choose wrongly and you might not be able to persevere into the career you want to do... but what if you don’t know what career yet? What if you change your mind later? And while all this is going on you have the social side too. Maybe you’re being bullied because of some physical condition or abnormality that you have no control over. Maybe you’re confused because you’re a boy, but you really like that boy, or maybe you don’t actually feel like a boy deep inside. Maybe you have a mental health condition thats totally out of control, and you don’t know what to do about it. You’re still so young but the pressures are building. These early teens are when people will start asking that all-important question with a personal view; Why am I here? Why do I exist, if all I get from life is pain and stress?

But it’s ok. You know once you finish school, it’ll get better right? The bullies will go away, your teenage hormones will settle down, you’ll get that awesome job you want, buy a house and live happily ever after.

Back to the education. Age 16, you make a more fine-grained choice towards your career. Get this one wrong and you’re already a bit screwed, so I hope you know exactly what you want to do and how to get there! So you continue with your next stage of education, age 16-18. Often again in a new school, with new people and you’ve got all these thoughts swimminmg through your head, its like the last few years on steroids but no time for that now, gotta focus! But focusing is hard when your brain goes a mile a minute. Maybe you’re a lucky one and you do well, maybe you slip and fall here - do that, and your life will totally stall. Life value is really starting to drop now.

Finally! You’re 18! Off to college/university you go! But wait, now you have moved out. You live in student accomodation, and you just got a lump sum paid into your bank. That money is the most you’ve seen in your life, but its gotta last three months until the next one. But it’s fine, you can manage that! $10 here, $15 there, it’s nothing... until 2 months later it’s gone. If only you knew how to budget properly... but hey at least you know mitochondria is the power house of a cell, right? So you spend that last month living off instant ramen and scraping the mould off your toast, praying you don’t have any sudden costs come up.

You hold out hope though. A few more years and you’ll be done with uni! Then you can move out, get that awesome job and live life! It’s gonna be GREAT!

wrong.

You finish your education. You did OK, you passed and got your degree with average marks. You head back home to party for a month or so before starting to look for a job, and its such a fun period! No commitments, no worries, you can just have fun.

That time passes like nothing, and its time to get a job. You spot an ad for the perfect job for you, so you apply. You’ve got all the right qualifications and they’re even hiring fresh graduates; great, you’re basically in! But you aren’t. Because 20 other people are applying for this exact same position. One of the others gets it, but it happens. You apply for another, the same scenario with 19 other competitors, and it passes you again. By now, your bank is empty so you have to get a minimum wage role in your local store/restaurant/warehouse. It’s not ideal but at least now you can contribute rent to your parents for the house.

While this is all going on, you’re struggling to meet that special someone. You had a couple of bad tinder dates and now you’re a little sore of it, but you still try and talk to people who interest you... but it always fades to nothing.

Then at the same time, you see that older generation complaining about you. About how you’ve had everything handed to you, how lazy you are, why haven’t you moved out yet?!

So you start looking. You know you have two choices here and once again, it decides a lot. You can rent, or you can buy. If you rent, you’re paying that for life, and until you get that qualified job you want you’re gonna really struggle - certainly won’t get enough to be saving for a house deposit to move out later. It’s starting to dawn on you as well that that qualified job? it’s a pipe dream. It’s never gonna happen. The other option is to buy. You do the math, you budget everything and you can afford mortgage repayments on a 1-bed house over 25 years. Once those 25 years are up, regardless of anything you OWN that house - great! This is the logical route, with your current job it’ll be tight but you can make it work, and things will only pick up from there.

But the banks? They don’t care for your budget. They have a flat maximum rate they’ll give you, and its well under your budget... but that doesn’t matter. They’ll give you a loan of 45k if you have good credit, but when the cheapest house is twice that you know it’s not gonna happen.

And there you are, mid 20′s, shit job, living in a flat knowing you’ll be paying rent for the rest of your life, on your own while older generations tell you about how “lucky” you are. Life value? low as fuck.

But then you meet someone. Great! They move in with you. Your bills are a little better, so you can each afford occasional treats. You can do a hobby on the weekend sometimes (assuming your partner is into similar things or has their own hobby and is happy to be separate for them). Things are slightly better.

Now you’re 30, and it’s time to have/adopt a child. One way or another you’re now caring for a new life. You look down into those innocent infant eyes, and you reflect. You think back on how in just 15 years, this child will start to question things like you have been. They’re questioning why they exist, when this world isn’t all that fun to live in.

Plus, now you have a new commitment. At least the next 18 years of your life will be dedicated to this childs upbringing. You will make mistakes and feel bad for them, and you’ll have victories that make you happy. But now, you exist for your child. Your life is gone, everything is for them until they go to university themselves.

And they eventually do - but now you’re in your 50′s. You can’t do stuff that you used to enjoy quite as easily, your body doesn’t work as well as it used to, you get tired easier. You’re still working somewhere or other and you’re still making ends meet... but is it fun? Are you having fun?

20 years pass, you’re 70 now. You have retired from work, but even going to the bathroom is a little more effort now. You still do your hobbies but you have less energy for them, and you realise this is the end. You’ve got maybe 20 years or so left, but you’ve already peaked. Everything is downhill from here, things are gonna stop working, you’ll lose your independence and before you know it, you’re sat in a chair getting a sponge bath from an intern who couldn’t care less. And then, you find yourself on your death bed.

You have that time to reflect. Think back on your life, and you realise. Was it worth it? Why was I here? Did I make a difference? The answer is probably no.

You existed for your own sake, not anyone elses. Life is there to be enjoyed - so if you aren’t enjoying it, then whats the point of it at all? If all we do is be born, work, and then die, then what’s the point of being born to begin with?

But that was a pretty average runthrough. What if things happened differently? Maybe you got that great job. You were on triple the grocery store salary and the bank gave you a good mortgage. You could afford to care for yourself so you met a great partner, and you pay off your house with ease. Your children have a happier upbringing with more stimulation, meaning they pick up education better and are less stressed. You retire at 55, but your pension is great so you can afford things like big holidays and expensive hobbies. You are the living proof that life can be enjoyed. They say money can’t buy happiness - but you proved them wrong, because it drives away the negativity.

Of course, it goes the other way too. Maybe you’re born into a third world country, you grow up knowing only the pain of having not eaten yet this week... and while your first-world brethren are stressed about that SAT exam, you’re dying of some disease that they were vaccinated against. Then you really question why you were here, if life was so short and painful.

I guess this was all a little pessimistic, it just reflects my current mood, but more importantly it reflects the outlook I’ve always had on life. Why ARE we here? Is life really worth living? Do the pros really outweigh the cons?

What is the meaning of life, for me - the individual?

End time: 21:50 Word Count: 2,466

I’m adding suicide trigger warnings to the tags, becuase if someone feels that way this post could cause the wrong signals. I would never suggest that as a solution to anything but honestly, I understand the feeling too. If my blog has upset you in any way or you want to discuss it, my inbox is always open.

#trigger warning #trigger #negative #pessimistic #life #suicide trigger