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mavrellover91 · 1 year

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Babies with Seb: Part one

Hey, guys sorry I have been MIA for wow months but life literally turned to shit and I have had to find my creativity again. I hope you enjoy my new series.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Female reader

Warning: Agnst, fluff. Smut flashback: P in V, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it, guys). Dirty talk.

Word count: 3806 (I may have gotton carried away)

A/N: I give no permission for my work to be copied, translated and or posted anywhere else online.

Oh God, why, oh why did he have to be running in the park this morning? All I wanted was to go for a quick walk in Central Park before it got too hot in the summer sun, but I should have known that with my luck that he would be here. I just stand there as his steel blue eyes move down my body and land on my stomach. Fucking Sebastian Stan is staring at my huge pregnant stomach, thanks to the twins I am currently carrying. After staring at my belly for what seems like forever his eyes flick up to mine with so many questions in them. Fuck why does he have to look so fucking good all sweaty from his run? It has been almost four and a half months since we last saw each other after a night of hot drunk sex that changed my life.

“Y/n…Umm hi”

“Hi Sebastian”

“Is it….” He stops himself from asking the question that he really wants to know as his eyes flick around our surroundings remembering that we are in a public park.

“Do you want to come back to my place?” I offer as I can see that he is uncomfortable about talking about this in the park. “Umm yeah sure, give me a minute” he tells me before running off to a group guys standing off to the side watching us. Fuck, great Don Saladino and their friends are watching us. This just adds another level to this nightmare. I’m not sure why I am so embarrassed by this whole situation I mean I did try to contact Sebastian when I found out I was pregnant but my only opinion was to DM him on Instagram, which I knew wasn’t the best way of contacting him but he didn’t leave me with no other choice. I mean was a drunk one-night stand and I knew that going in. I was lost in my head I did not even notice that Sebastian had run back to me until he was in front of me “lead the way” he tells me as he sweeps his arm in front of me. We start walking back to the closest opening of the park.

I fight the urge to look around us, to see if anyone is watching us. As we reach the road my luck seems to change as a taxi pulls up and lets a couple out, Sebastian walks ahead and catches the driver's attention before he could pull away. Sebastian holds the door open as I slide in. After climbing in himself I give the driver my address and he takes off. We sit in uncomfortable silence as the driver weaves his way through traffic to get to my place. The driver tried to break the awkwardness by asking how far along I am and went I say four and a half months I feel Sebastian shift in his seat. The driver not understanding how awkward the two of us are being goes on about his wife’s pregnancy. I thank God went we put up to my apartment. Sebastian pulls out his wallet and pays the driver, before opening the door once he gets out, he holds out his hand to help me out. We walk into my building and the elevator. Once we are in my apartment, we just stand there looking at each other waiting for the other one to start talking. “Is it mine?” he asks.

Wow, I want to get mad at him for asking, even though I knew the question was coming, did he really think that I was that big of a slut that I would jump from one guy to another in a short amount of time? God, I remember telling him that I do not normally do this type of thing. God, I hate one-night stands, just the thought of them leaves me feeling gross. “Yes, they are yours,” I tell him in a tight voice trying hard not to let my emotions get the best of me. “They?” he asks, “twins” I reply. I watch his face as he realises that he is not only going to have one baby with a stranger but two. As if his legs give out on him, he sits down on my couch, the same couch these babies could have been conceived on. God just thinking about it makes me wet stupid pregnancy hormones.

Remembering how we could keep our hands off each other in the Uber back to mine from the bar, how after closing my front door he pushed me up against it attacking my lips as if he wanted to devour me. I remember how I placed my hands on his chest pushing him back until the back of his legs hit the couch, before giving him one last kiss and pushing him back so that he falls onto the couch. Then standing in between his legs I grabbed the bottom of my dress and pulled it up over my head, letting it fall to the ground leaving me in just my panties. His hands then move to my hips pulling me onto his lap. As I straddled his thighs, I start started rubbing my hot wet core against his hard cock through the layer of our clothes, as his mouth reclaimed mine. I then reached between our bodies, pulled his shirt off and ran my hands over his abs to his pants. Undo them and slide my hand between his body and the waistband of his boxers to wrap my hand around his thick length.

I remember him moaning into my mouth as I pulled his cock out and started pumping my hand up and down the length of his cock. As his hands roamed over my body down my stomach to my pussy. Pushing my panties to one side he moved me closer to his body. Holding his cock in my hand I moved it up and down my slit collecting my juices before guiding it to my hole. We moaned into each other’s mouths as I slid down his cock until he filled and stretched my pussy. I remembered how I bounced up and down his length as he rubbed my clit. I remember him whispering in my ear how good my pussy felt around his cock, how I was his good girl, how I was his dirty little slut and how he was going to fuck me until I milked him dry. I remember him moaning that he was close and for me to be his good girl and cream on his cock and how as if I were waiting for his permission, I came so hard as he bucked up into me and painted my walls with his cum.

Shaking my head to get rid of the memories of us together, I walked over to the fridge and grab the ultrasound I had done last week. While at the fridge I grab myself a bottle of water “would you like something to drink” I asked Sebastian. He brought his head up a looked at me for the first time since he sat down, making me wonder if he was also reliving what happened that night. Looking at the bottle of water in my hand he replied, “water would be lovely, thank you.” Grabbing another bottle, I walked back to the couch and sat down next to him placing both the water bottle and the ultrasound photos down in front of him. Sebastian reached for the ultrasound and picked it up looking at them. “How far along are you,” he asked quietly not taking his eyes off the pictures of our children. Swallowing the lump of emotions swelling up inside my chest as a watched staring at the photos “18 weeks and 4 days”. He then looks into my eyes and then down at my bump with longing in his eyes. I grab his hand and place it on my stomach where one of the babies was kicking. His eyes widened and then start to water as he feels the little feet press against my skin. “Wow, that’s amazing.”

We stay like this for a good 10 minutes laughing and smiling at each other as I move his hand around my stomach as the babies kick. “I must ask...” he says shyly as if he doesn’t want to ruin the moment and risk me being mad “why didn’t you try and contact me?” Moving away from him trying hard not to get mad “I did, I DMed you through Instagram as you didn’t leave a number or anything” I reply. I watch his face as he works through all his emotions. “I do not go on Instagram often and I do not read any of the DMs. Fuck Y/n I am sorry I left the way I did. I should have given you my number I mean we had unprotected sex three times that night” “four” “what?” “We had unprotected sex four times. Once on the couch, twice in my bed and then in the shower,” I tell him. He stares at me and smiles as he remembers that night “your right four times” he starts to laugh. “God that was the best night of my life, I lost count of how many times I came inside you.” “The best night of your life?” I ask in a small shy voice “Yes, baby! The best night of my life and could not stop thinking about you. Hoping we would run into each other again. I even went back to the bar the following weekend hoping that you would be there. God, I wish I had gotten your number. I could have been there from the start instead of missing four months of your pregnancy” I just stare at him not sure what to say or do.

Tears start rolling down my cheeks “oh baby, please don’t cry” he tells me as he wraps me in his arms bring a hand up to my face wiping the tears off my cheeks “if you will let me, I want to be part of your and our children’s lives. I want to hold your hand at your appointments, I want to help build and decorate the nursery. I want to watch our children come into this world. I want to hold you as you sleep, and most importantly I want to protect all three of you from the horrors of the world.” After he stops talking all I can do is stare at him not sure what to say. I want to jump into his lap, let him hold me and let him be there for me and our children but I am scared to let him in only for him to realise that we are more than he bargained for and then leave me to be a single parent. “Can we take it slow? I mean not too slow?” I say as a wave my hand around my stomach. “I need time and I need you to show me that will stick around and that you not just saying these things in the heat of the moment. You just found out that you are not only going to be a father but a father of twins. You need time to wrap your head around that” I can see in his eyes that he wants to argue but I stop him by saying “I have my 20-week scan in two weeks. Take these two weeks to think about what you want and if that is us come to my appointment and we can figure it out from there.”

I slide my phone out of my pocket, unlock it, and place it in his hand “put your number in here and I will text you with the details of the appointment” I watch as he puts his number in my phone and then texts himself. “I know you think you want us now but please do take this time to think about what it is that you want. Having children is life-changing, I took time to think about if being a parent is what I wanted, and you also need time as well.” I get up and walk to the door, he also gets up and follows me “I will take the time you think I need and think about everything but know this I will be at that scan, and I will be by your side” he says as he pulls me into his arms and kisses my forehead. As I close the door behind him, I really do hope he means what he said. I text him the appointment details and hope he will show up. He replies see you on the 10th beautiful. Sighing I cannot help but wonder if I just fucked up my only chance of having a family for my children. “I really hope daddy is going to show up,” I tell my children as I rub my hands over my bump.

Two weeks later I am sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's clinic watching the door hoping Sebastian walks through those doors and is ready to be a father. We texted on and off the last couple of weeks with him checking up on me and the twins. We talked about work and how I was handling working as a PreK teacher. We talked about our families, and how I was handling being so far away from them. It seemed like he did care about me and did want to be part of my life. As the minute until my appointment ticked by, I became increasingly worried that he was not going to show up and that I would once again be doing this all by myself. As the nurse called my name and get up and walk over to her, the front doors burst open and Sebastian runs up to me “I am so sorry I am late, my meeting ran late and then I was stuck in traffic. Please tell me I did not miss it?”

I stare at him with a big smile on my face pulling him into my arms, telling him “No Seb you are right on time.” The nurse looks a little shocked at who is standing in front of her rubbing his hands over my belly and arms. Pulling herself together she directs us to an exam room where she weights me, takes my blood, asks for a urine sample, and tells us to wait for the doctor. After peeing in the cup and leaving it on the little shelf in the bathroom. I sit down next to Sebastian and just look at him. He is here, he is here sitting next to me as we wait to see our babies. Tears start rolling down my face “Oh y/n baby please do not cry. I cannot stand to see you cry” he tells me as he wraps me up in his arms “their happy tears Seb, I am so happy that you are here. I thought that you decided that you did not want us when you were not here before the appointment” I cry into his shirt leaving tear strains on the front of it.

“Oh, baby there is nowhere else I would rather be than here with you. I am sorry I could not be here earlier like I wanted to be, but this morning was a shit show meeting with my management team and a director for this new project that we have been trying off the ground” he starts rambling on nervously. “It’s ok you are here now and that is all that matters,” I tell him as I lean into him placing my hand on his cheek. Turning his face and pressing his lips into my palm “wild horses couldn’t keep me away.” He places one of his hands on my neck and the other behind my head bringing his lips to mine as he kisses me lightly as if the check my reaction just as I open my lips to deepen the kiss the door opens as the doctor walks in “oh so sorry I did knock and through I heard you say yes” she says looking a little bit flustered. She did hear me say yes but not to her but to Sebastian’s lips being on mine.

Pushing aside any embarrassment we were feeling Doctor St James introduced herself to Sebastian “Hi I am Doctor St James, and you must be the dad. Nice to meet you” looking proud Sebastian replies “Yes, I am dad, Sebastian Stan. Nice to meet you too” Doctor St James looked at me probably remembering how I told her that the father was not in the picture but being the professional that she is, she pushed that to the side and starts asking all the normal questions. “So, Y/n how have you been feeling? Do you still have any morning sickness? No pain or discomfort? No more bleeding?” At the bleeding comment, Sebastian looks at me worried. “No more bleeding since that time when I first found out I was having twins at 8 weeks,” I tell them reassuring Sebastian that everything is fine “I am still a little nauseous in the mornings but no vomiting for the last two weeks. Here is hoping it stays that way, I really hate vomiting. A little bit of discomfort in my hips and ribs but I am guessing that is because the babies are growing putting pressure on them.” As I answer all her questions I grab Sebastian’s hand and give it a little squeeze reassuring him that we are ok.

“That is great to hear about the bleeding. If it does happen again, please do not hesitate to call me. I am sorry to say that with twins the vomiting and nausea does stay around a bit longer than a singleton pregnancy due to extra hormones but hopefully you are on the other side of the morning sickness. As for the discomfort in your hips and ribs, you are right about the babies putting pressure on them. The discomfort in your hips could also be from your pelvis starting to move getting ready for you to give birth.” She asks me some more questions and then asks if we had any questions. To which I look at Sebastian and then ask “I have a question about sex” Sebastian quickly turns and looks at me slightly embarrassed.

Doctor St James smiles at me “what’s your question Y/n?” “Those are silly questions but is it safe to be having sex? Can sex hurt the babies? When having sex should we be using protection?” Doctor St James smiles at us “let me start off with there are no silly questions Y/n. Ok, it is safe for you to have sex as long as you are comfortable and have no pain however when you get into the later stages of your pregnancy there will come a time when I advise you to stop having sex to avoid going into preterm labour but as you get to that point I will let you know. Sex will not hurt the babies as the penis can not get passed the cervix. As protection, I recommend that my mother’s use it if they are having sex with more than one person or there is a chance of STIs. I hope that answers any of your questions. Please remember if have any more later do not hesitate to contact us. Ok, are we ready to see our babies? Are we finding out the sex of the babies today?” “Yes,” Sebastian and I answer at the same time.

We look at each other and smile. Hopping up onto the exam table and lifting my top over my belly, the doctor quickly takes measurements and pushes on my stomach. “Ok let us get to the fun stuff and have a look at these babies of yours,” Doctor St James tells us as she moves the ultrasound machine closer to the table “all right Y/n you know the drill this might be cold,” she tells me as she pours the gel onto my stomach “yup that’s cold” I laugh. Hold out my hand for Sebastian who brings his chair closer to the table and takes my hand. “Ok, here’s baby A” Doctor St James tells us as she pushed buttons on the machine and the most magical sound in the world fills the room, the sound of one of our babies’ heartbeat. She moves the wand around taking measurements and pictures as we watch the screen. I turn my head and look at Sebastian who cannot take his eyes off the screen, watching the baby on the screen with tears pouring down his cheeks. After a couple of minutes, Doctor St James moves the wand around to find the second baby. “There you are” she exclaims when she finds baby B “baby B wanted to play hide and seek today” she laughed at her joke. Once again, the heartbeat fills the room making Sebastian and I give each other watery smiles.

After she finished taking all the measurements and photos, she needs she then turns to us “are you guys ready to find out what you are having?” “Yes” I exclaim “Ok baby A is a boy and baby B is a girl, congratulations you're going to have one of each” the doctor leaves us to have a moment to ourselves tell us that she will have pictures printed off for us when we are ready. As I wipe the gel off my belly and pull down my top, I have tears running down my face. Once my top is in place Sebastian helps me to sit up and pulls me into his arms and kisses me “God Y/n that was unbelievable hearing our babies’ heartbeats was magical. I can not thank you enough for this beautiful gift and I cannot wait to meet them. God a little girl who is going to look just like her mama” “and a little boy who is as handsome as his daddy” I finish for him. “Let’s get out of here and back to your place so we can talk and celebrate,” Sebastian tells me as he holds out his hand and opens the door.

“Let’s go home,” I tell him I take his hand and let him lead me out to the front deck where we get our ultrasound photos and head out to his car. As I used Uber to get to the appointment I hop in the front seat of his car and we head back to my place, hopefully, soon we will have a place together to call home.

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan smut #cant stop looking at him #so hot 🔥🔥🔥#sebastian stan fluff #sexy seabass #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan angst #sebby stan #sebastian stan x y/n

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raphmybeloved · 10 months

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Mama

This is a little fic I made for @idiot-mushroom 's Teenage Turtle Ninja Mutants iteration. This is not canon to that iteration but I was just thinking a lot about shitty parents who suck at boundaries and the combination of oldest daughter syndrome and this was born.

TW there is no actual incest but Splinter makes an incredibly poor taste joke along those lines that's uncomfy to read

Raph doesn’t know when her brothers first start calling her mama. They mostly use it to tease her or complain that he’s a mother henning them. She thinks there may have been a time where it annoyed her but these days he likes it.

As far as nicknames go it’s pretty solid and better than the normal dipshit and dickface that they tend to call each other.

It doesn’t bother her. Until it does.

At first none of them put any thought into Leo entering the kitchen with a “hey mama what’s cooking?” It’s practically a guaranteed reaction from Leo when he sees Raph wearing an apron. It's normal.

They aren’t thinking about the fact that Splinter is in the room.

“Mama?” Splinters asks and Raph watches her siblings all freeze. This could go bad. Splinter's parenting is one of those things he’s sensitive about and there's always a chance he’ll have a reaction even to something as small as a nickname.

Splinter laughs and Raph knows it should be her cue to relax like her brothers are doing but she just can’t. She just has a feeling of dread that keeps her shoulders tense.

“Oh Mama, that is hilarious. Raphael is such a good mama after all. Always taking care of cooking and cleaning! It’s like he is my little wife ha!”

Raph watches her brothers relieved awkward smiles transform into uncomfortable grimaces. He has no idea what his own face looks like or even how to fix it to an appropriate expression. Splinter seems to be immune to the clear discomfort that is drowning the rest of them as he continues laughing.

“Alright ‘mama’ I am going out,” Splinter says, patting Raph on the back before heading to the door. “Make sure to put the kids in bed.”

The silence after he closes the door is suffocating until it isn’t. His brother’s are talking but Raph doesn’t really know what they are saying. Everything is a little too fuzzy to understand and it's hard for Raph to fully comprehend anything except this feeling of wrongness..

She feels weird. She feels gross. He can’t even quite pinpoint why but the feeling just consumes her. Eventually he must have shaken it off even if he can’t remember doing so because suddenly he’s in bed and everyones eaten and the lights are out.

She has no choice but to try to fall asleep and ignore the phantom feeling of bugs crawling all over her.

Like a lot of things they don’t talk about it. Her brother’s stop calling him mama as much and she tries to ignore the feeling of wanting to vomit whenever splinter says it.

She would have probably continued to never talk about it if it wasn’t for Casey Jones.

It's a fire escape night. A routine for just Raph and Casey to look out at the city, eat snacks, and shoot the shit. No siblings, no responsibilities, just a flimsy little platform that could give out any moment and two teens who don’t care.

“So is something up?” Casey asks. The snack of the night is sunflower seeds and Casey seems determined to get as many shells into a flower pot on a balcony across the alley between apartment buildings and is mostly failing at his goal.

“What do ya mean?” Raph asks. She wishes she could join Casey in his quest but he eats her sunflower shells whole in a way that horrifies her friends and family and therefore has nothing to throw. Instead she picks at her nail beds.

“You’ve been weird, Mikey called you mama and you flinched. You’ve never done that before.” Casey says and not for the first time Raph is reminded that Casey is far more observant than he lets on.

“It’s nothin,” Raph mutters.

“C’mon you know I don’t believe that.” Casey stops his sunflower seed mission and turns to look at her. There's something about the look Casey is giving him that Raph actually wants to tell him.

“Splinter caught on to them calling me ‘mama’ and now he's started doing it,” Raph tries to keep her voice even as she stares out into the city but she can feel the bitterness sink in. “Pretty sure he can tell I don’t like it but he won’t stop.”

There's a moment of quiet before Casey lets out a hiss of air from his teeth.

“That sucks.” There's another moment before Casey lets out a small laugh.

“What’s so funny asshole?” Raph says glaring at the boy who is unfortunately her best friend

“Your dad is such an ass that he accidentally validated your gender. I mean obviously he’s being a dick but it’s just kind of funny that he is doing it in a way that uses feminine terms after trying to ignore your whole deal for so long.” Casey snorts, “What a fucking idiot.”

Raph looks at Casey. In a way he’s right. Splinter has brushed off any attempt Raph made to come out and now he’s using a feminine term. Sure it’s in a shitty way. At best it’s a crappy consolation prize and it doesn’t fix the weird gross feeling but-

Casey is trying. Raph shared an actual feeling and Casey isn’t mocking isn’t ignoring he’s trying to make her feel better. It’s.. nice. It helps Raph push away that gross feeling Splinter brings.

“Yeah,” she says. “What an idiot.”

Things aren’t really better. Splinter is still an ass and Raph is still stuck in a situation where he just has to deal with it but when Casey smiles at him it's not hard to smile back.

She at least has that.

#teenage turtle ninja mutants #turtle fic #ttnm #parentification and the weird gross side of it #mushroom if this isn't to your liking and the vibes are off lemme know and i'll delete #god this iteration lives in my head rent free I might fuck around and write another fic for it

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tobiasdrake · 5 months

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Final farewells. T_T So long to everyone. Until we meet again one day.

And by one day, I mean "On sale now!"

Of course she is. She's the obligatory love interest for a romance arc that didn't even manage to dip its toe in the water before the end credits rolled. She's going to need several more games of development before anything gets started for her.

Poor girl didn't even manage to get a climactic last-minute kiss, either right before Yuma went off into the final confrontation or just before the end-credits rolled. The game was having too much fun shipping Yuma with Fubuki (gross) and Shinigami (SO GROSS) instead. Kodaka owes her at least one date to a coffee shop or something.

Go get him, girl. Maybe next time, you'll be allowed to have a relationship with him that is actually romantic in some way.

That must have been such an awkward conversation. Can you imagine having to talk to your crush's clone to try and get permission to go look for his human counterpart?

I remind everyone that Kurumi was able to navigate a Peacekeeper-infested Dohya District when even Yuma needed timey-wimey powers to pull that off. I have the utmost faith in her abilities.

...all due respect to everyone here but I cannot in good conscience vote for any of them. Halara's too capitalist, Fubuki lacks worldly experience, Vivia's unmotivated, and Desuhiko has a lot of personal growth he needs to do before he'll be ready for any kind of authority.

I hope there are more well-adjusted Master Detectives in the organization who will do a better job of it. But if you twisted my arm... Fubuki, with Desuhiko as running mate.

Halara is far too valuable in the field and would most certainly convert the WDO into a for-profit corporation immediately after assuming control, so that's a hard pass. Vivia, absolutely not. Why would you do that to the poor guy? He just wants to rest.

Fubuki lacks a lot of wordly knowledge but she has a boundless curiosity and love for the act of discovery itself. I have faith in her judgment. I do not have faith in her ability to fully understand context, which is why Desuhiko would make a good partner for her.

Desuhiko's head is too far up his own ass to make sound judgment decisions with authority. He has a lot that he needs to figure out about himself and the way he engages with the world. But he's attentive and follows along with information well.

The two of them could make for an effective tag-team, with Desuhiko laying out the context and Fubuki calling the shots. That could work.

But if there's someone, anyone better, that would be... better.

T_T This is the true reason that Yuma went into hiding.

See you around, Halara. It was awesome knowing you. I have the utmost faith that you're going to excel, no matter where you go or what you do.

Oh, of course! In fact, I have these three friends who I'm sure are just dying to meet you. I can take you to them right now, if you'd like!

I kid. We know now that he's only doing this to try and look cool. Nonetheless, as uncomfortable as I was interacting with him as a boy, I am twice as uncomfortable interacting with him as a girl. But, c'est la vie. This is what every day is like for women.

So long, Desuhiko. I wish you the best of luck in figuring yourself out and finding your way to a place where you can be satisfied with the man you've become. Or woman or person, if you wind up down one of those roads. Whatever the case, may you one day find yourself in a place where you can be happy.

Spinoff game starring Fubuki and Kurumi. I want it now. They can call it Ultra Truth Girls or some shit. I don't care what.

Farewell, bestie. I trust that wherever your adventures take you next, you'll have the awesomeness to weather it. And get the hell away from your shitty family, while you're at it! If you wind up becoming President of the WDO, that's my fault, I'm sorry for that.

Yeah, I'm mad at Desuhiko too. I told him that was his job. Though he might not have skedaddled so quickly if I hadn't threatened to get him eaten by ferals. So I guess that's on me. Sorry, Vivia.

In any case. Vivia? I hope you get to take a nap. A long, long nap. The longest nap of your career. And when you wake up from that, you get to take another nap. You deserve all the rest in the world.

So. That. Means. We have dibs on the submarine, right? Let's take this sucker out of port and get to globetrotting!

Y'know, a sub wouldn't be a bad place for a homunculus to live, in fact. No fear of sunlight in here. None whatsoever. Plus, Yakou's still feral for the time being so it's not like he needs it.

No? Going to leave it here to rot forever? Okay. Fine. What's even the fucking point of having the office in a sub if nobody ever uses its vehicular capabilities for anything. Angry fish noises!

Sure. I guess we can take the train, if we want to be boring about it. Watch out for murderers, Kurumi.

Yuma left Kurumi a note telling her that he left and offering little information as to where. Aww, that was sweet of him.

HE ALSO LEFT HER THE BOOK OF DEATH

OKAY

Kodaka, you realize that this is a promise for Kurumi to be the protagonist of the next game, right? You're clear on that?

I want to be sure because you might think that this means "Kurumi is going to find Yuma at the start of the next game and hand him back the book, so he can connect with Shinigami again."

But that is not what this promise means. This promise means, "Our next adventure will star Kurumi as she makes a pact with Shinigami and they go on adventures while trying to find Yuma together."

I'm gonna be mad if Kurumi isn't the protag for Master Detective Archives 2.

Again. This is promising a Kurumi-centric adventure. Just so we're clear. I expect you to deliver on that.

Post-credits scene showing what Yuma's up to?

The closeup here implies she's going to be important for the next game. Fuck, we're not getting a Kurumi-centric adventure, are we? She's going to show up in the prologue and be like, "Here you go, Yuma. I brought your book!" and then resume the same role she had in the first game.

Fine, but at the very least, I demand a badass scene where she exposes herself unfiltered to the sun and lets herself turn temporarily feral on purpose to fuck up the bad guy.

#master detective archives: rain code #drake plays rain code

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doevademe · 1 year

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Spy x Family au where Percy is a spy from Westalis and Nico is an assassin in training from Ostania

"Damn it!" Nico kept repeating under his breath. Garden was definitely not going to like this. It was one of their cardinal rules.

Protect the peace, weed out what threatens it, leave no evidence.

He had messed up the last step, and now everyone would know Judge Thorn had been murdered instead of quietly passing away during a night of excesses.

He really didn't deserve his 'Ghost King' codename.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw some people in suits rushing towards the whore house where the body was. Nico cursed again. There was no way he could clean up now.

If it was the Secret Police, Garden may finally be more than just a "debunked" rumor among Ostania's elite.

He had also spent too much time. Jason and Reyna might be wondering why he was taking so long in the bathroom.

"My first solo mission, too..."

Sighing in defeat, Nico slipped through the night. Even if Garden's cover was blown open, its assassins needed to remain as inconspicuous as always. In that case, even more so.

He couldn't afford to make his coworkers suspect a thing.

"What took you so long?" Reyna asked with a raised eyebrow. "We were thinking you ditched us."

"Um... someone was... getting it on in the bathroom," he said, thinking of the first excuse that came to mind. "IT would have been awkward to come out of the stall..."

"You could have joined," Leo, Jason's best friend and the guy who had dragged them all here, slurred, drunk already. "'snot like you have a girlfriend or anything..."

Jason and Reyna looked uncomfortable. Right, him being attracted to men was sort of an open secret at work. If the authorities found out, he would have to apply for a permit and pay a tax he (supposedly) couldn't afford to 'give back' to Ostanian families who could produce offspring.

Not good if he wanted to keep his cover. Especially without a romantic partner.

"Gross," Nico said. "I thought we were partying because you got engaged."

"Sure did!" Leo cheered. "Hey, another round!"

Nico sighed. He hated cheap booze, but the backstory Garden had come up with required him to come from a humble household before landing a low-ranking job at an important Public Relations Agency. With such a background, it would be bizarre for him not to enjoy beer.

Nico Werner was a regular guy living day to day. Nico di Angelo, the child of the former Minister of Foreign Affairs who enjoyed fancy cocktails and whose father had been way too chummy with Westalis for the Party's liking, had died alongside his family after a terrorist attack.

"I'll go dance for a while," he said, tired of taking sips of the cheap booze. His friends nodded, while Leo laughed at nothing.

He looked over his shoulder, worried to see the guys in suits or the Secret Police already looking for him.

He bumped into someone.

"Hey," A nice voice said. Nico looked back to find himself staring at aqua colored... no, sea green eyes. "Are you okay?"

The guy smiled charmingly. Nico felt his face grow hotter.

"Y-yeah," he stuttered. "Just... didn't look where I was going."

"It's okay... want to dance?"

Nico's eyes bulged. He looked around and then at the guy's pocket. Sure enough, the card that identified this man as attracted to the same gender was clearly visible, as ordered by the Party.

"Wha... I'm not... I mean I am, but I can't afford..."

"It's just a dance, I'm not asking to marry you," the guy winked. "I'm Percy, by the way, Percy Jackson."

"...Nico Werner."

----

Seastrand observed as WISE agents removed the body of Judge Stefan Thorn from the empty room. The man had been a piece of work, and had ties to Nationalist extremists that now would find it very difficult to get away with just fines and slaps on the wrist for their crimes against Westalis immigrants.

"I don't know how you two can remain like nothing's wrong," Grover, their informant said, face a little green from all the blood. "I mean, he got stabbed in the throat!"

"The heart, too," Owl commented, her long blond hair tied back as she cleaned up the scene. "Whoever did this knew exactly how to make the death quick... but still painful."

Seastrand nodded, smiling a bit.

"If people saw this, it would create strife between the East and the West," he said. "So, what's the story?"

Owl shrugged.

"The wounds were almost imperceptible if not for the blood," She said. "We'll return him home and send a mortician to say he overdosed on some substance."

"To think that not even WISE may have known if we hadn't been following him," he said. "Too bad it had to be tonight, I was planning on building my cover's finishing touches."

"Then go do so, Seastrand," Owl said, smiling a bit. "You are key for Operation Mistletoe."

Seastrand nodded and ran to the bar.

Operation Mistletoe. Like the parasitic plant, his mission was to infiltrate the Party and weaken it from the inside, infiltrating as a diversity hire after being recommended by the Party's favored PR agency.

He needed an in with the firm, though.

Enter Nico Werner. His files had caught Seastrand's eye from the initial investigation. He was easy on the eyes, and reports showed him to be an unremarkable everyman who happened to be attracted to males, but without the financial stability to afford an Ostanian permit.

The guy would soon be forced to find a girlfriend, or be interrogated extensively by the government and fined for keeping his orientation a secret.

Percy Jackson would be the helping hand Nico could hold on to, maybe even helping him with his permit, and in exchange, he would introduce Percy to the PR agency, where he would wow with his political savvy (that he didn't have, but WISE would coach him to fake it) and be one step closer to weakening the Party before the next elections.

He saw his target immediately. The young man was very pale, with intelligent yet wary eyes. Seastrand observed as he took some sips of his beer like he was being forced to (not a drinker?) and talked to his friends.

He needed to make this introduction natural. He needed Nico Werner to want to be his friend.

(Seastrand wouldn't mind being more, but it would be cruel to leave him once he was done with his mission)

Maybe he put on too much of a flirty attitude, however. Maybe the guy was not as innocent and inexperienced as his files indicated.

It was the only logical reasoning for why Seastrand had been woken up by the sound of a shower, naked on Nico's bed.

He tried to retrace his steps, trying to find when things went wrong. Maybe when he offered Nico a fancy drink, or maybe when, during their talk, Nico had told him about never getting a card unless he had someone he wanted to date. All the while looking at him with those dark brown eyes.

It hadn't been for the mission's sake. Seastrand knew that. He had found Nico Werner attractive from the beginning, but to lose control like that... what kind of spy was he?

"I meant what I said last night," Nico said, making him look up. "I don't have money for an extra tax, and I like you Percy, but not enough to actually date you."

"Why not?" He asked curiously, even though he should be taking the chance to try and salvage the relationship as platonic.

"I... don't want the government meddling in my life," he admitted quietly. "Unless I really, really like the guy... I want to remain hidden."

"You can't do that forever, though," Seastrand said, trying to get his head back on the mission.

"Why not?"

"How old are you? 22? 23?" Nico Werner was 23 years old. He had come from a rural town a few hours away from the capital before his high marks at school landed him a job at the Party's preferred PR agency. "By the time you're 24 the government will start getting suspicious about your lack of dating life. Maybe even interrogate you."

He didn't need to say anymore. With all the rumors of spies from Westalis, the interrogation of anyone suspicious would definitely fall to the Secret Police rather than the regular authorities. They were experts who could extract any secret from anybody.

Nico looked far more troubled at that than Seastrand expected him to. Maybe his financial situation was far more dire than he had initially thought.

"What do you suggest, then?"

"Maybe we're not ready to date," Seastrand said, understanding. "But I have a few funds stored up. Let me help you get your permit, and who knows, maybe in the process, you'll like me enough to date me."

He winked. Percy Jackson had shown himself to be a charmer interested in Nico Werner. He had to keep his persona consistent.

"You really are willing to do all that just for a guy you just met?" Nico asked, surprised.

Crap, that was too much for too little, wasn't it?

"I'm also looking for a place to live," he said quickly. "I can crash on your couch until I find something more permanent, the dating prospect is just a nice bonus."

Well, there went his bachelor pad that could double as a base. Percy really was an idiot.

Nico seemed to think it over before nodding.

"I have a guest room, you can use it," he said, smiling. "Who knows? It might be nice, not needing to hide anymore."

Seastrand smiled back, hiding his bitterness.

"Yeah, not having to lie is refreshing."

#I may have gotten way too invested in this one #it's like 1.6k words wtf #Maybe I'll post it to Ao3 and continue it eventually #who knows?#Percico #my writing #writing prompt #ask #anonymous

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carmenlire · 7 months

Text

I hate my job. forget all the usual complaints about people telling me they don't have inboxes while logged into gmail and the website they need to go to is actually an email address but I just.

I was helping this guy and it was just a regular interaction, with him being moderately annoying as is usual. well at the end of me scanning his papers he, out of nowhere says "wow ur so beautiful." and in my head I'm just yelling fuck!!!! because whyyyyy do men do this shit, especially when I'm at work like u r nothing but a customer to me and I will happily forget you the second I walk away. and ofc tonight my manager is working and she's like 5 feet away at the computer desk so like double fml. it's just so awkward and I feel so put on the spot and gross, you know?

well I just say thank you and take a step back (because again the interaction is done) and he doesn't take a hint but instead goes on to ask me if I have a boyfriend. I just say no and walk away.

and coworkers always say I should just lie and say yes but 1) I'm very weird about lying even as an adult and 2) something in me just resists saying I have a boyfriend so much. I'd (almost??) rather say I have a girlfriend but obviously i'm not doing that at work. idk it's almost like it feels more dishonest to say yes i have a boyfriend? but also i said no take a hint!

he didn't take a hint. he called me back over by saying he needed help with something else, which whatever, but no!! he said "u said no what does that mean. do you have a man or not" and again my manager is right there and it's so quiet in the library and i just said no again. and he pressed me AGAIN and finally i just said "i'm not having this conversation with you" and inside i was shaking? hmm that may be too much but i was just so deeply uncomfortable. and the minute i said that i feel like he got pissed-- and i saw my manager whip her head over to me. i just walked away and went to the workroom and my manager came in a few minutes later and was extremely supportive.

i just feel so gross about it all. why do men do this at work?? where i can't escape?? where my customer service rebels against the very idea of being firm or doing anything that a customer could view negatively even if rationally i know that me and my wellbeing? my sense if self? comes first (even if i know it isn't that deep).

tonight was the first time i've said no and walked away and also the first time i said point blank i'm not having this conversation. it felt good even if doing so was almost unbearably embarrassing? i was sitting in the back after my manager talked to me and i just felt. . . embarrassed.

and i KNOW this is wrong but i feel so self conscious like- do i dress provocatively at work? is it my fault? are coworkers judging me for my appearance like i'm inviting this to happen, like i want men to hit on me? i wanna ask a coworker if they think i should dress more conservatively but i was literally wearing black dress pants, a black sweater, and loafers. but were my clothes too tight? am i a complete unprofessional?

and then the whole queer thing is an entirely separate dimension. i tweet about it to vent when it happens but just-- the idea that men perceive me in such a way, especially when i am never aware of it, when i am doing nothing to cater to them, just makes me so uneasy. every time a guy hits on me at work i feel betrayed almost? like we are just customer service worker and customer. i literally dislike 99% of all people i talk to at work. and when they do this it just makes me feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and the question of boyfriend just kinda makes my skin crawl.

#i know it isnt that deep #a guy hit on me at work #this is by far the ffirst time #idk i feel like im spiraling a bit over it #part of it was that he was so fucking pushy and i actually pushed back #bc i usually play the gane abd kindly say no i dont want their number #but i have been pissed all day and him doing that just irritated me so deeply i was able to be #confident enough to just shut him down but then he didnt take no as an answer!#plus my manager was there which definitely made it worse #and idk... its just weird when guys hit on me in general bc i have so many issues with being wanted (however much its just a cheap hit)#and all that jazz... like me? literally why lol im so painfully not attractive why is a stranger doing this rn....#whatever i just got home and am ginna read a txt fic to decompress #me

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thedreadvampy · 2 years

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But sweatpants are so fucking unsexy how can anyone think about anyone's dick while they're sitting there in gross grey sweatpants

I mean personally I don't find it particularly sexy bc most of the time I am only incidentally into dick. but it's not really ABOUT sexiness per se. if someone with a dick is wearing grey sweatpants You Can See It. grey sweatpants aren't sexy but they are. about as much of anyone's dick as you're ever going to casually see without them being in their underwear, it hides NOTHING, particularly if they have a boner, bc:

light grey shows up contours very strongly (both highlights and shadows)

sweatpants are made of soft, malleable fabric which takes on the shape of what's under it without changing its shape

frankly a lot of the time when people are wearing sweatpants they may be in their PJs and not wearing underwear

which is to say it has nothing at all to do with finding the person or the clothes sexy and everything to do with the fact that if they're even mildly aroused, or particularly well-hung, it's very hard to not notice. which can be extremely awkward (I have had housemates I am distinctly not attracted to walk around in sweatpants and I was UNCOMFORTABLE with how aware of their dicks I was) but if you're a Romance Novel Protagonist living with a person you're attracted to then I have to assume you're into both dick and the person attached to it, in which case it's Tantalising to see someone Has A Dick (and not distressing and PLEASE PUT SOME JEANS ON INSTEAD)

the sweatpants are incidental. What they highlight is not.

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featheredcritter · 1 year

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please for the love of god talk about your guy im paranoid about being annoying but i feel like i should still tell you that i am in a constant state of rotating him in my mind and u r a legit inspiration

waughh!!! thank you so much!!! ;_; this means the world to me really, and don't worry! it's not annoying at all! i just want to apologize for the late answer i didn't quite know specifically what to talk about because with my characters they're just spinning in my head with no cohearant thought following suit. A few facts about him the under the cut. Sorry again

prolonged isolation can cause hallucinations to people, so among all other issues Nick does hallucinate, but before i do much with it i want to research the topic more to represent it correctly and respectfully.

Nick's knife is a hunting\butterfly knife hybrid.

Nick (and his species) has the tapetum lucidum, so his eyes shine! can be a little spooky to see in the dark.

I enjoy thinking about Nick once he's no longer afraid of humans and instead seeing them as allies. He'd be a great asset for the resistance, while he has plenty to learn he's a very smart man and a good scientist. He'd be great at fixing up small things in machines because he can get in it and has very small hands.

Humans have always been like uncanny valley to him. They are very similiar and yet Nick sees them as creepy, weird or downright gross. One second away from throwing up when he first got picked up.

Despite healing well from the damange Lamarr caused him, he still has cronic pain because of it in his torso.

Nicholas is an avid writer, and his most precious book is a sort of "diary" where he writes all that is known about his species+ his own experiences as some sort of evidence of their existence once he dies and (as he belives, but not true) his species is finally gone.

Even in a safe, enclosed space Nick will always have his back against something and be standing in a position that allows him to view the entirety of his surroundings and have at least one escape route, plus he hates being in big open spaces. He's a little prey animal and he gets spooked so often for the smallest thing really, it doesn't help he's a fairly nervous man already.

His bites cause some very annoying itchiness, so the potential guy that tried to catch him will keep scratching at the wound and make it worse. It's not very dangerous and you can fix it so easily, but it can cause infections if left untreated.

He does not trust vortigaunts just like he does not trust humans, as they are allies, and anything that sides with humans is no good, but i think he'd be a lot more sympathetic towards them if he knew what they went through. Fortunately he learns about the whole combine invasion once he no longer hates humans, but had he known prior i don't think he would have felt that bad for them. It's ok tho they all become besties in the end :)

Nicholas is not a physical person, despite enjoying quite a lot physical contact at first once he loses his fear due of the fact he'd been alone for twenty whole years, so he kinda missed the physical contact. The period doesn't last forever, however, but he still doesn't mind it from time to time.

Nick speaks so fast and he's always eating his words, stuttering and cracking and rambling. I've mentioned it again but i'm saying it again, he sounds like Doug Rattmann

If people say some weird shit about him because of his size like "OMG you're soso cute ^_^" he'll look at them dead faced and completely silent to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable over what they said and make them apologize.

#ocs #nick #asks #again sorry for the wait T_T

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jawsofbalmung · 2 years

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As forewarned promised, my extremely biased culprit/killer ratings based on nothing but physical attractiveness. Disclaimer: I am gay. Also my idea of who is considered a "true culprit" may be a bit weird so bear with me. Spoilers for all ten games!

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney:

1. Frank Sahwit: 0/10. You are nothing. His case lasts 5 minutes and he is ugly. I am not any more endeared seeing him in aai2.

2. Redd White: 2/10. Only gets a 2 because a friend told me about him a long time ago and I thought he was more of a major character and that he would become a blorbo. I was wrong, but I feel kinda bad for being wrong.

3. Dee Vasquez: 4/10. Woman, but pretty cool. Has the mafia on her side, so that's a plus.

4. Yogi Yanni: -10/10. Gross old man.

5. Manfred von Karma: -50000/10. Fuck you die.

6. Jake Marshall: 5/10. Cowboy if you're into that, but I'm personally not that much.

7. Damon Gant: -1/10. Not as bad of an old man as you could've been.

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney 2: Justice for All:

1. Richard Wellington: 6.5/10. Pretty boy. Cool ringtone. Could be hotter.

2. Mimi Miney: 4/10. Woman. Not very memorable, but cute anyway.

3. Morgan Fey: 1/10. Old woman.

4. Acro: 6.5/10. Would like him better with his hair down, but he's literally the only aa character in a wheelchair and I like him.

5. Matt Engarde: 8/10. FINALLY a hot villain. Very, very cute before he goes evil, but gets worse when he drops his facade I think tbh.

6. Shelley DeKiller: 2/10. Again could be a worse old man, and I saw cool fanart of him once.

Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney 3: Trials and Tribulations

1. Dahlia Hawthorne: 6/10. Woman, but I love her. If you're into high femmes, that's the one for you.

2. Luke Atmey: 2/10. Looks like Spamton Deltarune.

3. Ron Delite: 7/10. Adorable twink.

4. Fiero Tigre: 4/10. Smh the original is always better than the bootleg.

5. Viola Cadaverini: 4/10. Woman. Really skinny. Not much to say.

6. Godot: 9/10. You KNOW my mans is getting a high score <3

Apollo Justice Ace Attorney:

1. Kristoph Gavin: 9273897/10 AAAAAAA

2. Alita Tiala: 4/10. Another high femme woman.

3. Daryan Crescend: 4/10. Could be hotter if his hair wasn't Like That.

4. Valant Gramarye: 3/10. Could be a hotter old man.

Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth:

1. Jacques Portsman: 3/10. Major Eh vibes from this guy.

2. Cammy Meele: 4/10. Another kinda cute but not that memorable woman.

3. Lance Amano: 5/10. Femme. Not much else to say. I like his hair.

4. Ernest Amano: 0/10. Yeah. Old man.

5. Callisto Yew: 5/10. Another high femme woman, I think her sprites are cute tho.

6. Quercus Alba: -10/10. Gross old man.

Ace Attorney Investigations 2: Prosecutor's Path:

1. Horace Knightley: -100/10. Nasty.

2. Patricia Roland: 3.5/10. Woman. Her fox is the best part of her.

3. Dane Gustavia: 5.5/10. Really cool design but not my type. His song is sick tho.

4. Blaise Debeste: -10000/10. Nasty gross man with a terrible beard. Nasty.

5. Simon Keyes: 8.5/10. LOVE him. I am not immune to a sexy clown. Sorta awkward but cute before, but letting his hair down really did it for me.

Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies:

1. Ted Tonate: -1/10. Gross.

2. Florent L'Belle: 2/10. Ehhh.

3. Aristotle Means: -50/10. He scares me.

4. Bobby Fullbright: 3/10. I want him to be hot so bad. I call him Midbright.

5. Aura Blackquill: 6/10. I like her!! Her hair is stupid tho.

6. Marlon Rimes: 2.5/10. Extremely grossly skinny pre-transformation, weirdly buff post-transformation.

The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures:

1. Jezaille Brett/Asa Shinn: 4/10. I love her swan hat.

2. Magnus McGuilded: -500/10. He makes me SO uncomfortable to look at.

3. Ashley Greydon: 8/10. I like him. Weirdo twink. <3

Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice:

1. Pees'lubn Andistan'dhin: 2/10. He looks like my stepdad. No thanks.

2. Roger Retinz: 3/10. Robert Downey Jr. That's all I have to say.

3. Tahrust Inmee: 2/10. Sorry not into the skinny bald thing going on. He's a good man tho.

4. Beh'leeb Inmee: 4/10. Plain, but not bad woman.

5. Geiru Toneido: 5/10. The big one. Personally I do not have a bad case of clussy fever, but her design is cute! She reminds me of Pinkie Pie.

6. Ga'ran Sigatar Khura'in: 3/10. Her evil design unnerves me. She's overall just pretty mid of a villain.

7. Pierce Nichody: 9.5/10. Bro.... When he brings out the mask and the scalpel I can't handle it.... I was hoping he would be a villain from the beginning because I knew it would be hot if he was....

The Great Ace Attorney 2: Resolve:

1. Raiten Menimemo: 7/10. Kind of a twunk. Reblog.

2. William Shamspeare: 2/10. I appreciate the commitment but not for me thanks.

3. Olive Green: 4/10. Woman, but she's cute!

4. Enoch Drebber: 8/10. Auughh.

5. Courtney Sithe: 8/10. Hottest woman. Almost converted me.

6. Seishiro Jigoku: 5.5/10. Could be hotter if he didn't look like hipster Rasputin.

7. Mael Stronghart: 9/10. How did this happen to me. I did not like him before but now I do. What happened.

#ace attorney #feel free to boo throw tomatoes etc #my tastes are very specific and strange you must understand

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josiebelladonna · 8 months

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hi, I’m about to torture you again as we’re looking down the barrel of kinktober and i can’t stop asking “what is wrong with me?” whenever i think about it

Perform a word association exercise with the word “sex.”

Nausea. Discomfort. “Big deal”. “No big deal.” Deserving. Undeserving. A contest. Popularity. Anxiety. Depression. Trash. Garbage. Taboo. Caught. Emptiness. Blackness. Immaturity. Disillusioned. Bored. Boring. Boredom. Lame. Uncomfortable. Elusive. Anger. Heartache. Heartbreak. Headaches. Stomachaches. Achy joints. Diseases. Infections. Oversaturation. Annoying. Obnoxious. Violence. Mistrust. Traditions. Daydreams. Nightmares. Awfulness. Disgusting. Stupidity. Tears. Cutting. Hitting. Horror. Trauma. Crosses. Bibles. Eye rolls. Pathetic. Arrogance. Powerless. Hopeless. Useless. Listlessness. Indifference. Anxiety. Uncaring. Cruelty. “Point and laugh.” Ridicule. Tedium. Unsafe. Abuse. Trauma. Bullshit. Horseshit. Gun to my head. Children. Babies. Baby fever. Tools. Sterility. Fertility. Infertility. Pointless. Pleasureless. Mindless. Loveless. Lies. Liars. Ugly. Cold. Gross. Unnatural. Cringe. Avoidance. Pain.

Would you say that you have or have not had a strong sexual drive in your life? How does and did this level of sexual drive affect your intimate relationships?

I have had a strong sex drive… but i don’t have any idea what to do with it. I’m an obsessive person. I obsess. I have fascinations, fixations, all of it, and it’s made me a complete nerd to the point i don’t know how to talk to boys—or girls for that matter. It has made me very confused and exhausted and disappointed and isolated and widely disliked, and what’s worse is I don’t know how to stop. Plus, I’m not straight, either. Imagine the disillusionment.

What do you want me to say? That I’m a conquistador and I’ve got a long line off to the side? That I’m a ~sexual being~ (even though I still don’t know what that’s even supposed to mean?)

Growing up, I just told people I was straight because I didn’t want them to know that I’m actually not straight. But… I do love men, though. I really love men, actually. I think men are absolutely gorgeous and decadent and sexy. Hell, I have a crush on a man right now. But I also love women, and nonbinary people. I landed on pansexual. It’s good to know that there’s a name for it, but I still have so much shame and anxiety and frustration about it. I can’t picture myself with someone, no matter what gender they are, out of both the fact that I’m just terrible at meeting someone and the fact that my libido scares me at times. I’m frustrated by the mere presence of my own sexuality that I don’t know what to do with it and I have disowned it. It’s not mine and it never was mine to begin with. I want you to make fun of it because I know it’s stupid. You’re not gonna hurt my feelings by pointing and laughing, if anything I expect it. “It’s natural, enjoy yourself!” If it’s so fucking natural, why does no one care about it?

What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

All of them, but especially comfort. I just keep hitting my head against the wall with these stupid, cringe questions in the hope that they should be helping me but they only make me feel worse because I just remember how much of a fool I am. I vent but I find no way out of it. The suggested way out of it is so hackneyed that I don’t even want to bother trying it. There has to be a better way.

I don’t know how to feel comfortable with my desires and every time I try and seek out advice on how to feel more comfortable with them, it just… doesn’t feel good enough. The fact I seek out advice should say that I want to feel comfortable, but it’s not enough.

When I was a teenager, no one ever made a pass on me, and I don’t understand why this is so hard to understand, either. Girls didn’t like me, period, and boys always gave me that awkward little smile whenever our eyes met. I didn’t actually start getting looks until about two years ago. I never dressed the part: I didn’t have to, even though I did consider it at times.

I feel so much shame about my sexuality that I find it hard to even so much as move some days. It’s a dead weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I don’t think about it all the time because a.) I have absolutely no reason to; b.) whenever I do, I get angry about it; and c.) it’s just not worth the time or effort. I get no questions or interest in this part of me anyway, so why bother? And whenever I do, it’s always presumptuous. Everyone always thought I was seeing someone and they were shocked when I said I was single. “Really?! You’re SINGLE? In this era?!!?” Yes, I say with a straight face. “WHY?!” I just. Am. I can’t explain it, and I don’t know how to explain it, either.

Now I get absolutely nothing. I’m not saying I miss being interrogated like that—and the day I do is the day we’re all fucked—but why should I even bother putting inventory in something that no one cares about and I find unpleasant to talk about on top of that. It’s unpleasant. My sexuality is unpleasant. Not an iota of good feelings or memories to be found here. No, it’s all shit. It’s all garbage.

I always befriended guys, too, and everyone always thought we were “a relationship” (never was, though, it was all platonic), so when I befriended more, I would hear words like “player” or “not like the other girls” or “secretly lesbian” thrown my way when none of it was true. It got lonely really quick.

Another struggle is labeling it. OH GOD THIS. That whole phase I went through in 2021-2022 consisted of nothing but this. It always felt like I had a gun to my head, too, like I was supposed to figure out a label and right now. They’ll tell you to take your time with it and, believe me I did. But when you’re changing labels like people change their socks, and you’re surrounded by people who are just soooo comfortable in their fucking precious sexuality, it becomes a tall order really quick. The impression I got was one of “ugh, she’s still questioning her sexuality? what a loser.”

I think my desires are trash and I don’t see eye to eye with the “real” raunchy people on this, either. I’m supposed to just be into good ol fashioned missionary and cowgirl and doggy style and maybe some light bdsm, any other kinks are weird and gross.

In what ways do you nurture your personal sense of sexuality, and/or sexual relationships?

I have no relationship. Never have, never will, either. I guess I just have too many biases about sex and sexuality, and I don’t know how to undo them, either. I don’t know how to nurture my sexuality, if anything I just leave it to waste. I don’t care about it. I don’t know how I’m supposed to care about it.

I guess… I draw. I write. …I live on a mountain top, 20 minutes away from a trump bastion. I have no options.

I like jewel tones. I like black and white. I like stuff that’s form-fitting and also low-slung jeans: I do not like anything high-waisted unless it’s worn with crop tops, otherwise I hate it. I don’t get why everyone clutches at themselves at the mere mention of anything low-rise. I like denim and leather and silk and velvet and corduroy. I like stuff that’s low cut—leftover from being heavy and struggling with weight most of my life as I’ve tried to wear T-shirts and the collar always feels like it’s choking me. I like camisoles. I like pajamas. I like underwear: as much as I cringe at the thought of wearing lingerie, I do like just wearing a bra, and I do have a teddy in my closet. I like to wear jeans: I have never felt good in a dress before. I dunno, I find dresses a bitch to walk around in and sit in, and I hate how skirts always wants to blow up (I’ve lived in windy areas my whole life). After a shower, I let my hair hang down for a few hours before I brush it: if I haven’t showered in a few days, I comb my bangs up into this pompadour upon my head so I have this Elvis/Dennis Miller thing going until I feel like climbing into the shower for another round. My mom says I look like I came from the beach, but I feel more Dennis Miller than anything. Only makeup I have is chapstick and nail polish: when I was little, I’d put on lipstick and eyeshadow and mascara but I always look over made. “You’d be so much prettier, though!” Heh, nope. Even just a little bit makes me look like I just walked out of the circus.

Is all of this supposed to make me feel sexy? I dunno, I genuinely don’t understand how it’s supposed to play into sexuality.

Nope, sorry, I can’t touch myself and feel an ounce of pleasure. I touch my lips and my breasts, and I just… I can’t do it. I’m having a hard time seeing pleasuring myself as an art, too—I don’t know, it’s just hard to put my head around it. What’s artful about sticking my finger up my clit to stimulate myself even though I know I won’t enjoy it?

My body? What about it? It was very skinny, it got very overweight, and now it’s losing weight. Any questions?

Why should I play dress up when I don’t get any attention? Dress for myself… I watch project runway and I really don’t see eye to eye with fashion, what’s considered “high fashion”: I don’t know if I just have piss poor taste or if fashion really is bullshit.

Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

“Even if it’s about your first kiss” I love how this assumes that everyone who does these things have had their first kiss, like yes, everyone gets some no matter how undesirable, unattractive, and fucked up they are.

There was the first time I touched myself. I was very young—I would think all children do this when they’re extremely young. I was in front of a mirror and I opened my legs and looked at myself there. I touched my clit the first time and I remember it really tickled me. I felt my labia and even stuck a finger or two in.

And yeah, naturally, I got caught.

Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

I guess this could be the last time I touched myself: I was standing up and had my underwear on that time (just to play around a bit). Did very little but then I moved to my nipples and I was starting to go nuts a bit. I also tried between the legs again naked, with a shower head, and that really did something. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten a lot more sensitive as I’ve gotten older.

I don’t remember when this was, either, that’s how indifferent I am to sex.

What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

Sex ed from middle school onwards, plus I was told that all guys don’t care about me and just want to get in my pants over and over by my drug addict father. I was never told about pleasure or anything good or that kinks are good or the range of sexual orientations or anything genuinely useful. Just your standard “insert penis into vagina, don’t have babies until you’re ready and only do it to have a baby” and that was it. It was always having babies, too, like god forbid you ever want to have sex because it’s fun or what have you.

I was also bombarded by these messages of “don’t be promiscuous or a slut, don’t get a reputation, no one will want you otherwise” and it was always in junction with being ladylike, too. Level up and always be ladylike or no one will love you (I hate how gen z has adopted this ideology, too. Really, nevermind me for a second: you cannot convince me that this current generation is healthy when they exhibit some of the most inhibitory behaviors ever. And the Barbie movie isn’t helping, either; if anything, that obnoxious eyesore has turned everything into a complete bitch fest overnight. The issue is not misogyny but taking that fucking movie way too seriously). I also heard bullshit like “if you have sex, you WILL get pregnant, FACT.” (i.e., the whole “men force abortion on women” thing that pro-life feminists claim is science fiction to me)

I was also always told “if you have sex, you’ll contract a disease, guarantee it”. I just think of Soundgarden’s song “HIV Baby” whenever I think about this: have sex, give birth to a child riddled with disease as punishment for not keeping your legs closed.

Cue the nausea whenever someone asks me about some sex life that I allegedly have because apparently fucking everyone has a fucking sex life and yet nobody told me *facepalm*

How has your views of sex changed over time?

It’s just this thing that people like to make a huge deal about and I can’t bring myself to it. I’m too tired. I’ve given up on the whole sex thing. It doesn’t help that it genuinely triggers me, too. I don’t care about sex and sexuality and I’m too squeamish to boot.

There’s so much lingo about sex that I just don’t get, either. “Reclaim your sexuality” implies that it fell out of you at some point: you never lose it, it’s always with you no matter how shit and lame it is. “Sexual being”, I hate this phrase simply because it’s one of those things that everyone says but no one explains what it’s supposed to mean. I finally discovered a thing that explains it… somewhat, but it still didn’t really explain it. It was like “it’s expressing your sexuality and doing what makes you feel beautiful! :D”, like, okay, I guess? My sexuality is broken and I don’t think I have ever felt beautiful, can you help me? “Sex life”. Yes, just assume I have a sex life even though guys aren’t interested and girls hate me and I barely touch myself.

Describe a sexual fantasy you have.

I don’t have fantasies. Well, I do but they aren’t sexual. They’re just regular old stories because real life is awful. Sometimes I’ll add a sexual flavor to them but I don’t call them sexual fantasies, though. They just… are what they are. Trust me, I’ve tried to get sexual with it and I can’t. I do kinktober and kinkmas, I try to get things moving, but on my own, I’m left out in the cold.

Turn a sexual experience into a piece of short fiction. Describe the setting. Use dialogue. Write erotic description.

When you’re so inexperienced that even this feels in vain.

Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

She had five fingers, all without polish on the nails, which were a bit short and freshly trimmed. Her skin was smooth, a little dry but smooth.

I hadn’t been touched in some time and yet, while laying in bed one morning, those fingers wandered down to my belly button for a gentle caress. When I rolled over onto my back, she worked her way down to inside my underwear for a touch. She ever so gently scratched me on the hood and it felt interesting. Neither good nor bad, but interesting. It got me thinking.

(Got really tired of saying I’m a virgin all the time)

What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self?

All of it. I want to change all of it. This is the worst thing about me. I have felt so much shame about this fucking bullshit, that it’s a chore to even get out of bed. It’s stuck. I’m stuck with this fucking thing. No one wants me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I hate my gender. I hate my body, and I hate my sexuality. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, i hate it. It’s all ugly. It’s awful. It’s a disgrace. It’s horrible and disgusting. No. It’s NOT beautiful and you’re a damn fool if you think otherwise. I want it all changed and taken from me so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I am NOT a “sexual being” and I hate that phrase with a passion. No. NEVER. Fuck off with that.

I really truly genuinely do not care about sex. Why should I? Everything that pertains to my sexuality has been roundly rejected my entire life, what’s going to change the second I do? I’ll just ~magically~ get everything desirable, like all that aches me is just going to automatically disappear? Oh, yeah, that’s realistic. That’s totally what is going to happen. It’s delusional to assume that everything will automatically be right as rain the second I start to care. It’s irresponsible, too.

But at the same time, I have had my boundaries disrespected by… everyone. Everyone apparently thinks it’s okay to invalidate my feelings and my choices, and that it’s okay to make fun of me when I change my mind and think it over again.

Take my whole issue with makeup: I literally hate wearing it, and girls often asked me why I don’t wear it. “I just don’t,” and also “I don’t like the way it feels on my skin”. Cue the “there’s natural makeup” and the “you’d look so much prettier with it”. I GAVE YOU A FUCKING ANSWER. I DON’T WANT TO WEAR IT EVER.

I have no control over this. None. I don’t know how to gain control, either. I have named my problems. I have gone through my history over and over again to dizzying degrees to see if there was any sexual abuse in my life and there wasn’t. I feel like I’m missing something here, like I’ve read on how to “reclaim sexuality”, a phrase which on its own already annoys me just from how loosely it gets thrown around, and… nothing. None of it works.

I’m not only lost but I don’t care enough about it.

Write a sexual confession to your partner or someone you admire. Be straight forward or as kinky as you would like.

This took me a couple of days to formulate and figure out. Last time i did this for you, i was a volcano. I know it stirred you—if it got me, I just imagine how you feel. I’m sorry if it upset you at all—I know it did me. And I still feel ashamed of myself when I think about you. I’m a broken bitch, Alex, straight out of the school of hard knocks. Life just keeps beating me up and I gave up trying to fight back a long time ago. I’m damaged goods. I’m completely unlovable. I’m trash. I’m ugly. I’m not sexy or hot, and I don’t understand why those words would ever come my way, either. I feel bad for feeling the way that I do about you, and also… you know, her. I still can’t say her name without wanting to gag. I’m honestly baffled by what you see in her—believe me, I tried. But I can’t do it. “Always go with your gut” after all.

I’m sorry ahead of time. I’m an asshole. In fact, when I wrote about her initially, I felt like an asshole.

And yes, I feel guilty for having a crush on you, especially now. The stupid sexist taboo that’s in vogue right now, that I’m not allowed to like boys. And I just don’t like her. It’s the whole thing of meeting someone and you cannot explain it, but you just want to avoid them at all costs because something about them just unnerves you to no end. I see her name in junction with yours and I want to puke. I’ve crushed on other guys before who were taken and I wound up crushing on the girl, too, so please don’t think it’s out of jealousy. I still think she’s secretly gay, too, and again, it’s hard to fully explain. It also just feels wrong, too, like… you’re way over there and I’m way over here. It’s not like we can actually do anything in person. You feel so out of reach.

Plus, you grew up in the 70s and the 80s, where I came of age in the 2000s and early 2010s. It’s common, sure, but I care, and I care a lot. In fact, go ahead and say that I care too much, I’m aware so you aren’t going to hurt me.

I really wish I could tell you everything. I have so much fear around how I feel about you, and I really, really don’t know how you’ll react to this should you ever see it. I suck at this. I could push you away. You’re the first guy I’ve ever had a major crush on, and I will wait forever if that’s what it takes.

I still don’t know what to say to you, especially now: really, I feel like I’m bullshitting with you. I feel like I’m just not worth your time: there are far more women out there who are better than me, like they have degrees and they’re accomplished architects who refer to themselves as gypsies for some goddamn reason because it’s racist no matter who’s using it. But what have I done?

What is wrong with me. I’ve already said too much. I hate my desires. I hate how I feel like I’m just not doing this right and no one will tell me what it is that I’m doing wrong. I have to actually go out of my way just to fantasize about anyone, whether it’s you or someone else. I already feel like I’m in trouble for even thinking about you. I am so at odds with my sexuality that I don’t want it: I’ve often said that if I could rip it out of me and light it on fire then I would do it in a heartbeat.

But you’re everything that I’ve secretly dreamed of but was too afraid to share with anyone else, everything I love in another person, and if I’m being honest, you don’t even seem real because you really are that perfect to me. I know you aren’t perfect, but you are to me, though. And like I said, I hate that I feel this way. I seriously wish I could just leave you alone, and I wish I wasn’t such a loser or that I’m imposing or obviously unimportant.

Okay? I’m a loser. A fucking gentile loser. I’m a fucking mess, a waste, a lost cause, a nobody, and I can tell you’re far more interested in her because you’ve been together longer and I’m just some weird girl who came along who’s afraid of voicing her true feelings, especially to boys. I’m afraid. I’m a prude. I’m a pussy. I don’t have any idea what I could give to you. Besides, you would rather enjoy someone who’s more powerful than a heartbroken spineless lunatic like myself, I get it. I was never anyone’s type, anyway—it’s like what Sheryl Crow says, “I’m not the kind of girl you take home.” She was there for you when your mom was sick, and I was thousands of miles away because I just am, I get it. She makes you happy, even though i can see in your eyes that you aren’t. There’s obviously no one else for you.

I get it.

I get it. We all get it, so you can stop tagging her in every other post because that totally doesn’t give off the same vibes as someone who won’t shut the hell up about their relationship. I’m an idiot and a fool for having feelings for you, let alone feelings for a guy who is worlds apart from me. I’m nothing. I don’t compare to her. I have absolutely nothing on her. I do nothing for you. Nothing compares to the “great one”. She makes your dreams come true. I get it. We all get it.

Leave my body, heart, and soul all to waste and hope the next bastard who comes along is crazy enough to pick me up like I’m roadkill. You’ll be holding your breath until you collapse, though. I’m just not desirable by any means.

But I can’t leave you alone. I’m in love, and I’m brushing away tears writing this, too. I wish I could let you go—“if you love something, let it go”—and maybe I’m just too immature for that and for you; I have no experience with this, I don’t know how to “let go of someone if I love them”. It’s how I feel, Alex. It’s how I feel.

And… I have this persistent feeling that it doesn’t… ahem. “matter.”

What would you like to learn about your sexual self?

I have the worst luck with relationships—I really mean it: I didn’t start getting looks until a couple of years ago, NO ONE looked at me and I never believed it when someone told me about that boy checking me out (there never was any boy). I have never been asked out, only fixed up and spent a weekend with a friend that was jokingly treated as a date. I HATE my sexuality, and overall, I’m terrible with this. What is there to learn here? Why am I bad at this? I can tell you that without even thinking twice about it: no one ever encouraged me. I grew up with the most backwards views on sexuality and there’s no end in sight even as I’ve grown up. I’m not good at this, plus it doesn’t matter.

I don’t think about sex, period. I barely masturbate—I don’t even remember the last time I did it. I don’t think about my sexuality because every time I do, I spiral and I get depressed again. I’ve resigned from ever thinking about it. I don’t care about it. I actually don’t even see the point of caring about it: I live in the middle of nowhere and there’s no way out. No one here piques my curiosity. Plus, if I start caring right now, what’s going to happen? Suitors are just going to automatically fall out of the sky and tempt me and motivate me to leave? That’s so delusional. And it’s irresponsible, like yeah, just assume I’m going to boogie out of here with the next meat puppet and leave my disabled mother here alone atop this godforsaken mountain, how stupid are you.

I’m done trying to seek help, too, because it’s always the same bullshit I’ve seen and heard for nine years when I began recovery from anorexia. If it’s so tried and true, then why am I still in agony? “Maybe you’re just not trying it.” Maybe this one-size-fits-all approach just doesn’t work?! Have you thought of that? No, you haven’t thought about anything.

What part of your sexuality seems the most mysterious to you?

Those lesbian thoughts I keep having. Even with as much as I love men, I can’t help but feel aroused by women as well.

Why do I love men, like men are the most despised beings on earth right now, how fucking dare I be attracted to them.

And also why I keep coming back to this. Why did I keep my incredibly high sex drive under wraps when sexual energy is incredibly powerful. What is wrong with me.

Why am I afraid of it. Is this just regular ol anxiety or is this something more serious.

The shame. Why is there shame. Why did you make this. How is this even possible.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

“I’m the only one here.”

What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

I worry about getting pregnant, and I’ve always known that this is why I’m so bored with regular old penetrative sex, and why I feel genuinely repulsed by the affluence of it in fanfic: it’s the weirdest thing to me, it’s like everyone has baby fever, whereas I don’t want children. Plus, I’m genuinely grossed out by the thought of being filled with cum.

I worry about falling ill, too. Need I say more.

My poor stomach has been through a lot, too: I worry about having to run to the bathroom.

The pervasive feeling that i’ll never have it, either. I’m a virgin at 30. Most 30 year olds have had it several times, i’m lucky to have some rando on the street even look at me.

I just don’t like talking about sex, either. People are so comfortable talking about sex and all things sex and I’m usually thinking about a million different other things. I genuinely cringe when I even think of talking about anything sexual. I’m just not comfortable. I hate this side of life.

What change would you like to make in your sexual behavior?

I don’t know how to be sexy, like I’m genuinely surprised when someone tells me something I did was hot. Worse, I don’t know if they’re saying that just because or if it’s sincere.

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I almost never have sexual thoughts: the only time I do is when I’m writing (now you know why I thought I was asexual for a time. I genuinely don’t have sexual thoughts unless prompted). No, I don’t like them. I don’t want sexual thoughts.

As for attitudes… you want the truth? What does sex mean to me? You want to know what sex means to me? It doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just a thing that happens. On a regular basis, I don’t think about it at all because I have no one to share with. No one is attracted to me, I get nothing out of it, and I simply don’t “get some”, either, so why should I bother?

What change would you like to make in your sexual emotions or feelings?

Same story there. I actually don’t want sexual feelings. I feel bad for having these feelings, too, like I said in my stupid little one-sided confession up above. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me… for being attracted to men, like I’m so ashamed of this. I’m attracted to men and I feel bad about it.

What memories came to mind from the previous questions?

Oh, fucking hell, let’s see… crying about feeling lost and being treated to insensitive comments telling me to “exude confidence” and accusing me of being an alcoholic (when I can easily tell you that I’m not; I’m obsessive but I don’t “medicate” myself) rather than be a shoulder to cry on and tell me I’m not wrong for feeling this way.

All the times I was asked “why do you do this?” and I’d give a legit answer and then they would respond with unsolicited advice or opinions. Everyone wonders why I refrain from giving an opinion, too.

The phrase “raunchy side” *shudders* and feeling incredibly powerless.

Really, all the times I showed any emotion and no one knew how to react… or worse, they wouldn’t leave me alone to the point of harassing me.

Nothing good or happy.

What do you like most about your current partner? Least?

I’m a virgin.

Make three (or more) sexual wishes. Don't hold back!

I wish I could talk about this freely. I wish I was hot. I wish I was accepted. I wish I belonged. I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I couldn’t feel hysterical laughter whenever I say I’m a virgin. I wish I didn’t have a sexuality. I wish I could crush normally. I wish I had power and prowess and agency.

Make a list of your sexual partners and write a few phrases to describe the relationship. What patterns do you see?

After years of research, I finally came to the perfect scientific conclusion: I’m a virgin and I’m lucky to have anyone even look at me.

If you have a sexual partner now, write about this relationship. What works for you in this sexual relationship? What would you like to change?

Boy, you know, my hand not only does things to my clit and tits, but it can also become a fist to break the face of whoever implores the regular use of a clinical, completely loveless and soulless word like “partner”.

Describe what your ideal sexual relationship would look like today.

I don’t know. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, so I guess … healthy is the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

I guess I’m not interested in sex, and there have only been a handful of times in my life where I actually was interested. Why should I be interested in something that depresses me and makes me anxious when I think about it? Sex is stupid and overrated and I genuinely don’t understand it.

If you have been sexually dissatisfied, what has kept you in the relationship?

Doesn’t apply.

Are you able to ask your partner for what you want sexually? How do you do that?

Nope, and I wouldn’t know how to ask, either. If I have a hard time asking my mom if we could get soup on a grocery trip, what makes anyone think I am going to feel at ease asking if I want to be fingered.

If you have difficulty asking for what you want, what are you telling yourself that makes asking difficult?

“They won’t care. They’re gonna laugh at me and reject me. They’re going to get angry with me. This is stupid and gross and crass and we all know it. Why do I even bother.”

What are your sexual limits with your partner?

I don’t want to be filled with cream. No, I’m completely turned off at the thought of being pregnant. I’m almost mortified by it, actually: use a condom or pull out, or let’s use our hands or mouths.

I like a little pain… not too much, though. I like little nibbles or scratches down the back, or spanking.

None of that “daddy” nonsense, either.

Don’t ever call me your “partner”, either, i fucking hate that word. I hate how normie it is, I hate how everyone uses it including couples who have been together a long time… I want to know when it was normalized because it’s so sterile and cold and influencer-y. Call me that and I’ll straight up leave. “But nonbinary people use it”, that, I understand completely, barring it’s implied that someone in the couple isn’t cishet. But I can’t tell just by looking at you. Trust me, I learned the hard way on that. I have so much baggage with “partner” that writing it just leaves a weird taste in my mouth,

I also don’t care about sex, either. I could not do it for the rest of my life and I’d be fine with that. Not that I can imagine anyone wanting it with me, anyway. Or maybe I do actually care, given I’m of the belief that if you bothered to say you don’t care, you actually might, and you actually might a lot.

What sexual behavior won't you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.

(see the tidbit with pain) Please don’t overdo it. My body is actually very sensitive and too much pain is too much.

As repulsed as I am by the idea of having penetrative sex, if there’s protection involved, there’s a small part of me that actually might reconsider.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE PATIENT WITH ME. I’M DUMB AND TRAUMATIZED, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

I don’t like it too rough: I’m slow and sensual for the most part, but a little quickness goes a long way if I think about it.

No period sex, please. I don’t know, just… b l o o d on the good sheets or nice upholstery, and my own, no less. I’m a primadonna that way.

In what way might your relationship with your partner deepen or improve by talking openly about sex?

Hang-ups about… noonewantingtobeinarelationshipwithme aside, I feel like an open conversation could help. For me, it’s a “make or break” type thing: if they aren’t comfortable with it, they probably aren’t for you. If they’re curious, but they’re like me and they aren’t comfortable at all with this stuff, or they’re not sure, or they’re so uncomfortable to the point they hate their sexuality, make them feel safe. Put your arm around them and help them because it’s very daunting, especially when you see they’re alone because everyone is either disrespectful and patronizing or “too busy”. Make it make sense for them.

Can you recall your first discovery of sexual fantasy? What was it about?

All I know is I was very young and I didn’t understand what was happening, either. I have to actually force myself to fantasize, too.

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.

So I typed “sexual fantasy” into Google to give me some insight because I’m a fucking idiot with this sort of thing and…

Oh, god. I went to that first link to women’s health. First off, the fucking slang in that article. No one—NO ONE—over the age of 25 or with more than 3 brain cells should EVER call their spouse “their boo” and even in the mid-twenties, it sounds weird and kind of creepy? Like… do I just not get it or something? Am I missing something here? This shit is so cringey and made me roll my eyes about six times—really, I counted. How is any of this normal? Kicking off a ~sexy article~ with a fucking CARTOON ORGASM is sexually stimulating? This is torture.

Second, I read through the points and… okay, fine. I have worked with fantasy before, and I thought I hadn’t a shred of sexual fantasy before. Seasons Grey is pure fantasy, with the whole teacher-student trope at the core. Love Is Not Enough is fantasy, with the strippers at the root. All my kinktober one shots are fantasies. Hell, you know what, any fics that come out of me have a fantasy inside of them: I just wasn’t really aware of it.

How have you used your sexual fantasies up until now?

Haven’t, at least not outside of writing. I hate how this assumes that I can, too.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?

The time I told Alex I’m in love with his voice. It was way before I wrote voice kink one shot in eclipse, too. That one in particular was admittedly fun to write—kind of tricky, but fun, though.

What sexual fantasies work the best to arouse you?

I was pretty aroused writing Chave do Mar: Alex as a merman with a long shark tail, smooth milky skin, and black curls tousled over his shoulder. Same with Blood & Chocolate, too: Alex being over fed and it shows up on his body. The Black Orchid scenes from now it’s dark were pretty hot, too, when I think back to writing them: Joey surrounded by burlesque strippers.

I’m bullshitting, I don’t think I can use any of them to really get me off. I’m trying really hard here,

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?

…it’s pretty across the board.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a lover? What was the reaction?

I don’t know if I could be courageous enough to do that.

How important is it for you to share your sexual fantasies? What are your reasons for sharing or not? Does sharing fantasies break their "spell"?

You know that fanfic meme that talks about writing your dream fanfic filled with all your fantasies and dreams but choosing not to and keeping it locked away in your mind because you want it to yourself? Yeah, I don’t relate to that at all—then again , i don’t relate to fanfic memes, period (“oh, I should be writing but I’m on tumblr hur hur”, get a life, all of you). I write them out because I want to make sense of them for the most part. I honestly don’t care if no one sees them, either, because I’ve never really seen them as all that mystifying: just these weird little scenes that roll around inside me. I literally don’t care, they’re stupid and pointless and painfully unsexy.

What, if anything, do you find distressing about your sexual thoughts or fantasies? Write about that to clarify it for yourself.

On their own, I don’t think they’re special or gossip-worthy or revolutionary or life-changing. They just… are what they are.

But just the fact they exist distresses me. Why do I feel this way? Why am I doing this? This isn’t normal. Everyone is judging me and mocking me.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

This is complicated and I’m trying really hard. Sometimes I think I’m making this too complicated even for myself.

My sexuality is a curse, a death sentence, and I hate it so much. I don’t want to be seen but I also do.

Admit it. There’s no room for me. *sigh* I knew it. It doesn’t matter.

When was the first time you experienced feelings of arousal and what triggered those feelings? What did you think of it at the time? What was your emotional response to those feelings?

Like I said, I was very small. May have been from me sitting in front of the mirror and touching myself, I have no clue. I didn’t understand what was happening, either, or why the adults in the room freaked the fuck out over it, either.

Consider a moment in your life of great sensuality, eroticism, or sexuality. Then answer the questions that Mary Oliver does in her poem “Gratitude” as they apply to that moment.

So I’ve been thinking about this all day and… I literally never had a moment of ~great sexuality or eroticism~ Fleeting moments, but nothing earth-shaking, though. Even the time I cybered wasn’t that great.

Describe your first sexual encounter. How old were you? Was it consensual? If not, what resources have you used to help heal from that encounter? If it was consensual, what did that experience mean to you at the time?

I was 18 and it was the day that Dan Wheldon was killed. I had just gotten home and a text from my dad about it. I get online to find a boy who used to sit behind me in geometry class completely beside himself because Dan was his hero. I remember it was Sunday evening, around dinner time: I told him I had to get something to eat because I was hungry and I would be right back. I came back and we talked for hours. Evening became night, and then I blurted out something that made him laugh, and then he made me laugh. One thing leads to another and I say something kind of sexual and it went from there. We chatted and texted back and forth for a few weeks after that until I got slammed with midterms.

As for meaning, I’m not sure. I don’t know how to feel about it, either. I don’t even know if it counts as an encounter, either, but it’s all I got.

Who was your first romantic, sexual partner? What about him or her appealed most to you? What did you hope would happen with that relationship?

Aside from the above, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Almost 30 years old and I have never even been kissed. I got sick and tired of hearing “oh, you’ll find love some day” when I was 17, and now I know in my heart it won’t ever happen. Really, I could shed 100 pounds and have confidence through the fucking roof and no one will want any of this. Whoever said “everyone has sex” has obviously never met me. It’s so exploitative, too: this unfair assumption that way too many people have had about me and it only makes me hate myself. (Why is that always the response to someone saying they’re single, too? It’s like, i’m just stating a fact, I didn’t ask for you to be fortune teller.)

Do you believe that sex and emotional intimacy are linked, or is it possible to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment? What experiences influence your answer?

Linked but not exclusive, though. There is a link there but the two can exist without each other. Casual sex is a thing, plus you can be emotionally attached but not want it; don’t believe everything you see on Twitter (especially now, fucking hell).

Just… my own observations about this. I thought I was asexual and, even though I’m not, I did learn this along the way.

If you could have the perfect sex life right now, what would that look like?

The idea of me having a sex life, period, is so beyond me, like I don’t know what it’s even supposed to encapsulate. I ask Google “what’s a sex life?” because I don’t know what it’s supposed to be.

How do you define “awesome” sex (i.e. what makes sex better than good)?

Makes me think of “awesome sauce”, which completely sucks the eroticism out of this. I don’t know?! What even quantifies as “good sex” anyways?

How do you feel about PDA? (You can take this as far as “kinks in public,” too.)

Can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing it, can’t stand the thought of it happening to me (insecurity and hang-ups might have something to do with that when I think about it), some things are just better left in private. As for kinks in public, though? I don’t know, that seems a bit much.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

I don’t even remember the I last time did, so I can’t say.

What are your sure-fire turn-ons (and/or turn-offs)?

Turn-ons: touches, really all over my body. I like soft touch. I like being held. I like fantasy. I like intelligence. I like sweetness. I’m all about feeling and being close. I guess? I’m not going to give everything away, either, because it’s… stupid.

What are your thoughts about porn?

I still don’t see it as exploitative. One complaint I do have with it is unrealistic expectations. No guy is like that. No girl is like that.

What are your thoughts on foreplay? Favorite types? Best experiences? Wishes?

It’s still underrated. A few kisses or hickeys on a sensitive spot like on the neck or the belly, or fingers on the labia and lips on the thighs can take you a long way, and I can say that just from my own writing.

What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to? (If you don’t currently have a lover, feel free to consider past or future lovers.)

“Lover” is another pathetically overused word. My eyes have always wandered to the middle of the body. I don’t care if it’s slim and delicate or round and thick, either, I like to feel and hold.

If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

It’s weird to think that I can actually answer this: I don’t think I would change anything. Maybe I could have been a little more upfront with him about how I feel about him earlier on because I just think about that one night in March-ish 2021, but there was a point to that, though. I wanted to ease into it, and there had to be some sort of opportunity to find with him because I see people hitting on him all the time, and I always think I’m being inappropriate with him, oh my god 🫣.

The beauty of it being online is it’s kind of the whole entire point to it.

Really, if Alex and I take it offline, we lose the clandestine nature of watching each other on stories or him fanboying over me like he’s a teenage kid again. I just have this pervasive feeling that *sigh* she has some control over his instagram now. He doesn’t come online nearly as much anymore and he feels so elusive now.

What do you want more of in your sex life?

I feel so bored by sex. Bored and repulsed at the same time. I have so much shame that ruminating on it makes me physically sick, and I feel stuck with it. I feel like I’m boring and underwhelming, like you would think that someone who identifies as pansexual and polyamorous and has a high sex drive would have at least one conquest but… I’ve just never been respected or built up or even seen. Plus, there’s this whole thing about how women are not supposed to chase, either.

Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?

Sign me up.

Why do I have a sexuality in the first place.

They’re probably going to give me some of the same old shit I see when I ask Google, so no, I take that back, I want my money back.

Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear, or makes you nervous? Or…what’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you during sex?

My fear of pregnancy and disease plus I worry about shitting myself.

Just the act itself. I literally can’t imagine anyone being that crazy about me, like I am not beautiful, I am not sexy… and I hate the expectation that comes with those words, like “you’re a woman! Be beautiful and sexy 24/7!” Fuck off. I could go away right now and no one would care or wonder what it would have been like to make love to me or toss a dick in me.

Talking about it makes me so nervous, too. I HATE what I desire and think about and all of that. I keep saying it over and over and over and over again, none of it matters and I feel weird and gross talking about what and who I’m attracted to. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? WHY DO I HAVE A SEXUALITY!

Yes, the whole suggestion of even having a sexuality brings me titanic pains. Why do I have this WHY DO I HAVE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH

I hate my sexuality so much that it makes me cry. I hate it. I hate it so much.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

I have to force myself to fantasize. I don’t watch porn (I don’t, and why would I? So, don’t even think about it). I write about kinks and… whatever. I had a sex dream one time. I don’t even remember what it was about now.

If you were to create a sexy playlist intended for a hot date at home, what would be on it?

I have never made a sexy playlist in my life so I wouldn’t know where to start. This is another thing I have to look up because I don’t know any sexy songs offhand.

What are your love languages and how do they apply to your sexual needs? What about your lover?

I’m all about touch and spending time. I am touch-starved and I have all the time in the world.

My what? My needs? What sexual needs?

How do you feel about being naked?

No opinion. It just … is what it is. I don’t fixate on flaws (I never could, either, even with my troubled relationship with myself), nor do I see it as a beautiful thing: it just it what it is. I take care of myself but that’s about it. What do you do with it. Why is this controversial. Now, when I think about being naked with someone else, look the other way.

What’s your favorite way to be seduced?

You put your guitar on your lap, you brush your hair really nice, you have this little twinkle in your eye like you’re up to no good or you’re secretly going commando out of camera, you have a glass of wine in hand, and you talk in a very soft, husky voice when I ask you about your underwear. I think.

Do you have any trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationship(s)?

Do you ever see something that, for whatever reason, you have this inexplicable feeling of drunkenness? That’s my reaction to this. I have nothing but trust issues surrounding sex. I have so many taboos and hang ups about it that I feel them choking me.

What do you look like, and sound like, when sex feels good for you?

Whenever I write something erotic, every so often I have to stop myself and close my eyes because I feel things moving. I get really quiet (everyone talks about screaming during sex: I’m the exact opposite, I get really quiet) and my hands start itching for the feeling. I bite my lip a lot, too—sometimes I do that without even thinking, like it just happens. It’s a long slow burn with me. And yes: I feel guilty afterwards.

What is the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Flirted with Alex on stories. I’ve always fucking sucked at flirting (I once went for five years without flirting with anyone because I suck so hard at it), let alone with a guy like him. I love calling him “baby” and by his name, especially.

Flirted with Eric on stories (I called him “big guy”) and got him to take a selfie from the toilet. Wish I was making that up.

I asked “are we going to see a Jeff Becerra OnlyFans any time soon?” and mf literally replied with “only if the price is right” and the eggplant emoji.

Any time I post risqué art on instagram because they’re assholes with that sort of thing. No clue how threads’ll react to it.

When now it’s dark was being written and I posted those ink drawings on instagram (completely oblivious to the fact Joey was watching me).

There was also one time in school one of my friends had his pants hanging down a bit and I tried to pants him and he caught me. I did get to pinch his butt when no one was looking, though.

In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

Thought I knew before but now I don’t. I don’t know what this means.

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

WHYYYYYYYYYYY would I do this?

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

I’ll probably die a virgin.

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

I think I’m polyamorous so I’d definitely try it. As for voyeurism… maybe I’d like to be watched? Don’t know about watching others, though.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

I go for long stretches of time without doing it, because I get bored with it. I’ve done it sitting down, standing up, on my back, stooped over, topless, with my pants on, in the shower, in bed… all with my fingers. I have no desire to use a toy. I’m sorry, I’m not aroused by putting a piece of glass or ceramic or rubber up a very delicate part of my body.

Maybe I’m not doing it right because I have done it but I barely get off at all, and I’m more disgusted with myself than anything. I lose interest after a couple of minutes. Yeah, I don’t see this going well with another person.

Maybe I’m just not trying enough, but I look at some on lingerie sites like Spencer’s or wherever, and I shake my head. “Find one that’s best for you”, they tell me. Yeah, but nothing here is jumping out at me. I’m going to look ridiculous in lingerie, too.

What are you most grateful or thankful for in your sex life?

Oh, yeah, i’m totally grateful for something that brings me so much shame that it makes my chest hurt and makes it hard to even get out of bed some days. Oh, yeah, totally grateful for the judgements, the dirty looks, the snickers, the condescension, the guilt, the horrible feelings where there should be pleasure and confidence, what have you.

What is your favorite sexual position, and why?

Officially don’t know anymore.

Have you ever had an “inappropriate” crush? What was it about that person that drew you in, and what made it “not okay”?

All my crushes have been inappropriate lol

They all have been either older, or unavailable in some way like already taken or not interested.

I was never drawn to people at my school, so I looked beyond the borders: older people fit that bill for me.

Have you (or would you) ever tried role play? What roles are you drawn to?

Well, I officially don’t care anymore.

Are you more dominant or submissive (or a bit of both)?

Both. Yes, even with as much as I hate the female role and find it restrictive, there’s a sub in me.

How do you feel about your own body?

This body is… I don’t know. Parents called me beautiful but if my piss-poor track record with my peers and crushes and this whole thing here is anything to go by… it should be clear that I have trouble seeing this myself. I’m not good-looking. I only started actually getting hit on very recently, and looking at my appearance when I was a teenager, I did not look good at all. It makes sense that no one ever made a pass on me.

You know, I’ve posted pictures of myself online before and I have literally gotten blocked for it. They weren’t anything risqué, either, they were just… my face. Or me in a t-shirt or a camisole because I like wearing those. But I see people who are *okay looking* (like I could see them on the street willy-nilly but they won’t make me turn my head) get hundreds of likes or notes. I see people—I’m gonna catch hell for this; I have nothing to lose—who are ugly, like uglier than me, get the likes and called “beauty queens” and shit. I hope people realize just how hurtful it is, and I hope that people realize that telling me to “just be confident” in the face of that is genuinely insulting.

How sorry do you have to feel for a person having sex with you?

Sorrier than sorry. Why bother. I can’t give you pleasure or anything, anything other than tears. Just go home.

Could someone know you sexually, properly know you, and still like you?

A certain someone knows about me sexually and I not only have no idea if he likes me but it scares me to think that he likes me because I worry about… what effect I could curse him with. Really, I worry about hurting him and turning him into damaged goods with my own horse shit. and it’s not the boy I cybered with, either.

#text #journaling #personal

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rocketandonuts · 9 months

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Trying to figure my characters out short fic:

“Just making sure” you asked the boy next to you, who’s currently tangling his arm around yours, resting his head on ur shoulder, “… you’re not making a move on me, are you?”

You guys were sitting on your bed. Before this moment, he was just comfortably curling up to you as he watches his little video on his phone. It was an animated video explaining smth biology, and you can tell that he was really trying to watch it by the way he kept rewinding repeatedly whenever smth came up that he didnt follow.

Now the video is paused. And he’s looking at you. His eyes. Widened. Whatever he was trying to consume probably all got thrown outta the window bc of your impromptu question. You feel a little bad.

Next moment, he let go of your arm.

“S-s-sorry! Am I too close? Am I gross??”

“No no it’s fine it’s fine! Im just asking!”

He hopped off your bed, panicked. You followed by, grabbed him, and sit him down back to your bed again.

“I’m just curious… cuz it always seem like you really like to touch me? A lot?” It’s hard to not make that sounds hella awkward. He gets what ur saying tho.

“I-I’m just a touch-starved dumb loser dude! I really like you you’re my friend and I thought you’re fine with it-“

“I Am fine with it!” You pull him into a hug to reassure. You really are fine with it. More than fine, actually. It’s kinda adorable. Like a puppy.

“Im not grossed out, alright? See? Not one bit. Was just wondering.”

“Heh… heheheh…” he laughed nervously. “Silly! Ofc i wouldn’t be making a movey move on you when- … you know! I-I told you about th-the-the guy from work-“

“Yeah yeah I know about that guy. Jules. That guy is srsly wayyy too old for you!”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. Your lovely friend here kept developing fruitless crushes at his part time jobs. So far there’s been 2 straight guys, a lesbian, and now this “Fine gentlemen who shows up on Sunday mornings and one time accidentally spilled his coffee.”

“I know I know! I just think he’s kinda cute! I’m not making a move on anybody! You know I never had done that anyway!”

“But… Idk I just wonder...” if he likes you and likes to touch you, then what really makes it different? “Like, why aren’t you into me the same way? Am I not your type? Not into fat chicks?”

“Y-you’re my best friend, Ricky! And you’re great! You look good… okay fine! Since you wanna know so bad I’ll tell you!” He cracked, flustered.

“I-I probably did have a lil bit crush on you before! But it’s not like you’d actually like that…!”

“Huh.”

“And I wouldn’t wanna risk changing anything between us, okay?? I like being friends with you!”

“Aww hehehe” you went in for another tight hug “That’s so sweet of you, bud”

“… I really like being friends with you, Ricky.”

“Me too” your best friend is so warm. You decided to turn the fan on for both of you. “Tbh I wouldn’t be too mad if you like me that way. It’s just would be a shame that i don’t think I can reciprocate it.”

“Pffft yeah yeah you like being the charming asshole don’t you? You know you would be uncomfortable if I’m still harboring that type of feelings towards you!”

“Huh? Why would I be uncomfortable?”

“Cuz you’re not into me, obviously! Dumbass! You just said it yourself!”

It’s strange. There’s nothing “romantic” going on between you two, but you kinda get the feeling that he may be hurt a little by your wording earlier. The air is feeling kinda dense.

Even more strangely, you’re also feeling a little heartache.

“… But here’s a thing, man” you’re a bit bothered by this… idea. You don’t want anything between you two to change, either. But you’re willing to share a little bit more of yourself to heal this thing as for right now. “I think I could kiss you. Probably.”

“…W-W-WHA-!”

He’s once again trying to squirm his way out of your hold. You make sure he couldn’t.

“STOP PLAYING WITH ME YOU BITCH!!”

“I mean what I said! Geez chill! I think about kissing you sometimes jules what about it!!”

“But-but- … why…???”

“Idk. Why do you watch science videos when you often get outta them still totally confused and unsatisfied?”

“C-cuz I’m curious…?”

“There you go.”

You smile at him. His face is all flushed. You felt the air has shifted to another kind of denseness. The kind that you don’t really hate that much. The kind that somehow would put even more smiles on you when you’re already smiling. Maybe you are a little bit of an asshole indeed.

Not to mention the positions you’re currently taking. Thats pretty damn cliché.

“So do you… do you w-wanna… t-try it? … Now?” He said hesitantly, eyes closed, wrinkles between his eyebrows. This would be a hell of a time to pull a godawful prank, but you managed to hold it back.

“…Nah man, as much as it’s tempting. Hehehe~” instead you helped him sit up again. “I don’t have the heart to steal your first kiss out of pure curiosity. I know how much you’d value those junk.”

“… Ha. Haha.” He laughed nervously. Half-relieved, half-disappointed, but didn’t look too upset “Coward.”

“Ah Jules. My man my buddy. I hope one day you’ll get your first time with someone you have a hell ride of a romantic crush on with each other.”

“Hey let’s not get our hopes up…” this time, he took ur hand. “Hey wanna still try smth?”

“Hm?”

“Im curious too!” He said as he started to play with your hand. He made u do a finger gun gesture, with ur index & middle finger aligning together.

Then he pressed his lips on them horizontally, giving them a peck.

“Haha dude! what was that??”

“A simulation of kissing on the lips, obviously!”

“Couldn’t u just do that with ur own hand?”

“Then you wouldn’t be able to get a feel of my hot juicy mouth! …how did it feel?”

“Dry and scratchy.”

“Oh really? Oh now let me rate yours then you ass! Close your eyes!”

Sure. Why not. You closed your eyes and waited for his groundbreaking virtual reality romance simulation game.

And that son of a bitch pinched your mouth.

#2nd person is the easier to go it’s the homestuck in me #oh bro I went hog wild #I’m surprised tumble app didn’t crash when I keep going on an off for the past hours writing this long as oc fiction

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plumsmuseum · 1 year

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So This Is Love?

I, in my 21 years of living, admit that I have never once held a hand, or maybe even shared a glimpse romantically. I've heard and fantasized about the kind of high school romance you'd see in a cheesy rom-com, or read from sickly sweet novels with overly gratuitous proclamations of love, intensity, and desire, of course (who hasn't!), but I never really believed I was worth enough to be loved like that.

And so, I went about my life as I had, believing I was incapable and unworthy of romance. I thought I was "an old soul" within the throes of a society favoring hookup culture as opposed to the traditional, pride and prejudice style "declaration of passionate love in the rain" I was so exposed to as a child. I thought I was too different to be understood, and I felt very, very lonely because of it.

Thinking back on it, I feel like a self-obsessed idiot for thinking that I could be so, completely unique that no one else, amongst the 7 billion people could ever relate to me. While I improved myself, and healed, I realized that everyone was as equally flawed as I was. It was a relief.

So, I thought to myself one day, "If I really am so curious about love and romance, what would be the harm in getting a dating app and exploring the market?". And so, I did. Mostly also because I wanted to get rid of all the anxiety and shyness that swept through me whenever I was near a man. It was getting a little difficult to see myself with someone if I can't even bring myself to look at the opposite sex.

I downloaded and swiped, and felt quite gross for judging people so brashly and with such ease. Truthfully, there really is no way of knowing if I'd ever actually click with someone before meeting them. I realized this then, but this will play a bigger part in the story later.

So, I matched with a few people, ignored some because of sheer overwhelm, and made uncomfortable small talk about hobbies, current studies or work, and... fruit. I cringe at the small talk, even weeks after I had initiated it.

Eventually, someone had asked me on a date. I had clearly voiced my boundary of staying friends, but we agreed to meet anyways. The meeting was painfully awkward. I mentioned my discomfort, and my date ever-so-graciously laughed in my face and stayed as quiet as possible so he could, and I quote, "watch me squirm".

Despite that, he was nice. Told me to slow down and take my time when I was running late, offered me a ride back to my sister's house, which I was staying at for the night, and consistently gave me little compliments throughout the night. Men aren't as scary and mean as I had thought. I'm glad it happened.

Even so, throughout the date I was.. a different version of myself. I was anxious and nervous, and giggled like a child, my voice high-pitched and soft, just because I was so shaky. I wrote afterwards that I had never felt as vulnerable and girlish as I had in quite a long time. Truthfully, I think that part of me should be more apparent in daily life. My femininity was an old, friendly, but socially non-existent aspect of my personality that would be good to rekindle.

I ended the night on a high. I'm not sure if it's because of the pride I had for myself for doing something hard, the adrenaline that comes from meeting someone new, or the excitement from a potential love interest in my life. I don't think it's the last one.

The date had reminded me of my competence. It made me see myself from my date's perspective; ditzy and giggly, but lovable nonetheless. Lovable. I saw myself as lovable. First time for everything, hey? But it sparked something in me. I see myself as someone worthy and capable of intimacy. I pictured myself and him in a relationship and realized that it is likely to happen, if I so choose. I realized that I had romantic potential. And I had never, ever, saw myself as someone who was capable of being in a relationship. It changed my perspective, very rapidly, very immediately, and very overwhelmingly.

Along with it came the "evaluation". The guy was nice, but we didn't have the same humor, or interests, or really much at all in common I think. The evaluation of my date, along with the small talk I had on the dating app, also woke me up to what I wanted from my relationships.

I wanted quiet, calm, and peace. I wanted someone to talk to, who would understand my neuroticism, and why I take the steps I do to prevent it. I wanted to call someone while crying over a documentary. I want someone to be as soft with me as I would be to them. Intimacy. I wanted intimacy, and support.

Which doesn't have to exist solely from men.

The bumble date made me realize I wanted to be more authentic. I wanted to dress differently and act differently as I usually do. I want to be more quiet and calm, as I usually am when I'm alone. I no longer want to hide behind a guise of friendliness. I want to wear dramatic makeup.

The bumble date made me more at peace with the abundance of love I have now, and the realization that the intimacy I craved can also come from my friends and family, if I so choose to initiate. It made me realize that I push people away because I fear getting too close. It made me realize that I actually can ring people up, or tell them about my issues, or let myself cry in front of them, as long as I make the choice to.

The bumble date made me more aware of the fact that I had been governed under the motivation to be loved for a very long time. By everyone, friends, boys, my own family. It made me realize that, even if I care about the people around me deeply, I draw a line between myself and others, never really letting anyone close. I realize that my adamant desire and drive to get people to love me was a ploy. I don't think I ever should have cared. After meeting someone new, with no attachments to any of my social circles, I realized how sick I am of socializing. How tired I am of trying to convince other people of who i am. I realized that I don't know who i am. And I realized that i really, really wanted to.

I do want love. And I do want a relationship. But I want to be happy with who I am and who I'm with, first and foremost. I think for now, I'll focus on allowing myself to just be, and allow myself to do kind things for the people in my life. The rest will come if that's what's in the cards for me.

#diary entry #writing #journal

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hearseisananimal · 3 years

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wish people hadn't absolutely ran with the word 'manic' because now people act all surprised when they realise that my manic episodes are actually manic episodes and not just like fun regular high energy breakdowns. like no im not cutting my hair and listening to mother mother im actually having a very bad time and acting mean and irrational... also if someone tells you they experience a symptom of a mental illness then dont take it as a joke then get freaked out when you realise they're being 100% serious. yes i do actually hallucinate that wasn't just some obscure abelist joke! no you do not get the right to ask me gross invasive questions because of the abelist stereotypes you choose to believe!

#some of your activism is so obviously performative it hurts my brain #stop using actual mental health terms to describe mediocre shit everyone exleriences when theyre upset #and stop being continuously suprised when mentally ill people experience mental illness #i am gross all the time i am mean or awkward or uncomfortable to be around sometimes #i literally tell people these things then they still get surprised when i act weird or put odd boundries in place #mental health #mental illness #rant #vent

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imagine-a-life-like-this · 3 years

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I Was A Bet, You Were A Distraction (K.SJ/M.YG)

Warnings : swearing, drinking, betting on feelings

Word Count : 4941

Synopsis : a relationship started on a bet, a classic trope, but with a twist.

I knew the rumours that circulated about me. I knew what everyone thought of me, but it never bothered me. Being an ice queen and keeping everyone at an arms length keeps my heart safe. Guys still tried to break me, wanting to be known as the person who broke the ice queen, but I’ve never cracked.

“Another rejection?” My best friend, Park Jimin, pouted as he sat across from me. “You really should give someone a chance. You’re obviously not going to make a move on library guy.”

“His name is Min Yoongi.” I cut him off, a playful smile on my face as he rolled his eyes. “Besides, that guy was gross. He literally told me he could show me a fun time if I just showed him a pretty smile.”

“Okay, gross.” Jimin chuckled. “But please, if a non-gross guy asks you out, just give it a shot. They could surprise you.” I rolled my eyes, reluctantly agreeing to the only guy I’ve ever had a soft spot for.

“Hey, Y/N.” Someone said as Jimin and I were getting ready to leave the café and grab dinner. When I turned around, I met the eyes of the infamous Kim Seokjin, standing there with a nervous smile on his face. “I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner with me sometime?” His eyes looked hopeful, but it didn’t phase me. I heard the rumours; heard the stories of the many girls he’s been with. I refused to be another notch in his belt. But before I could reject him, Jimin jumped in.

“She’d love to!” Seokjin looked over to my best friend who had thrown his arm across my shoulders, and then looked at me for confirmation.

“Sure, Kim Seokjin.” I didn’t bother faking a smile. I’m sure he’d heard the rumours about me. I’m sure he just wants to be the one to crack me. He’s always enjoyed a challenge.

“Great! Uh, here’s my number. Text me.” He handed me a piece of paper ripped from a notebook with his number scrawled on it. I took it from him, telling him I’d text him later, and walked away as fast as I could.

“I thought you said non-gross guy, Jimin!” I hit him lightly as we walked away from the café. “Kim Seokjin is one of the grossest!”

“Yes, but he’s got money, babe. I did you a favour.” He lightly shoved me with his shoulder, and I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes. I suppose one date couldn’t hurt. I’ll get some good food out of it at the very least.

“Here, drink some water.” Yoongi looked up at me from his textbooks with wide eyes. He quietly thanked me as I took my usual seat across from him. I took quick glances up at him every once in a while as I studied, thinking about the first day I took the seat across from him.

I used to study at the café as I waited for Jimin to get out of dance. But random guys would always interrupt me, and I found myself barely getting any studying done. So I decided to study at the library for a couple hours before heading to the café to meet Jimin per our tradition.

Min Yoongi, known as the ice king, would always sit alone. Sitting with him was my best bet in getting any work done, knowing he wouldn’t bother me. He seemed annoyed when I first sat down, but when he saw it was me, didn’t say a word. No one dared bothered us when we were together.

It didn’t take a genius to see how handsome Min Yoongi was. I always found myself sneaking glances at him while we studied, unable to keep my eyes off of him. We spoke a few words to each other over these last few months, and that was enough for me to give into my growing crush.

“Hey, Y/N?” He softly asked as I began packing up. I seized my movements, looking up at the gorgeous man I can’t stop thinking about. “I heard you were the best at this, would you mind tutoring me sometime? I’ve been having a hard time grasping it.” He pointed to a homework booklet he was given that was still completely blank save for his name in the top right corner.

“I got to go meet up with a friend, but,” I ripped a corner off from one of my notebooks and quickly scrawled my number on it, sliding it across from him. “Text me and we can figure something out.” He looked up at me with a small smile on his face, and I could swear time stopped. I quickly shook myself out of the trance his smile put me in and packed up the rest of my books before walking to the café, a lovesick smile on my face.

I was dressed in my best dress, my hair and makeup done to the best of my abilities, and I couldn’t help but smile at myself in the mirror. “Who knew my best friend was so hot.” Jimin joked over Facetime, a playful smile on his face.

“I can’t believe you convinced me to actually go on a date with Kim Seokjin.” I grumbled, collapsing on my couch as I waited for him.

“It didn’t take much convincing. I know apart of you is excited to live the rich life for one night.” I giggled, but we both knew he was right. When the doorbell rang, I said my goodbyes to Jimin and went to answer it, surprised to see Seokjin standing there in a tailored suit holding a bouquet of flowers.

“Wow, you look, wow.” I chuckled, taking the flowers he was holding out for me. Quickly, I filled a vase with water and placed them inside before sliding on a pair of heels and grabbing my purse.

“You know you could have just texted that you were here.” I pointed out as he opened the car door for me.

“How am I supposed to sweep you off your feet if I do that?” He smiled before closing the door and rushing to his side.

As much as I hate to admit it, I actually enjoyed the time I spent with Jin. He was a complete gentleman right up to the end. And there wasn’t any awkward silence; conversation seemed to flow easily. I found myself laughing at his jokes and his stories. Time just seemed to fly by while I was with him as he wasn’t dropping me off until after midnight. “You certainly surprised me tonight, Kim Seokjin.” I smiled.

“Does that mean you’ll go on a second date with me?” I found myself agreeing before I could stop myself. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to get over my one-sided crush on Min Yoongi. He’d be a good distraction.

“I hear our resident Ice Queen got a boyfriend.” Yoongi teased as I sat across from him. Ever since our first date, Jin and I have been spending more time together. I still keep up my regular schedule of studying with Yoongi until I have to leave to meet up with Jimin, but Jin and his friends have decided to join us. It’s been 2 months since my first date with Jin, and 1 month since we’ve made it official.

“Now it’s time for our resident Ice King to get a girlfriend.” I teased back, taking a sip of the coffee Yoongi bought me. He’s made it a daily thing, buying my favourite coffee before I come, and I bring us water since we’re usually here for a couple hours together.

“Unlikely.” He chuckled. My heart started to pound as I looked up at his smiling face. “The girl I like doesn’t like me back.” He added before taking a sip of his own coffee.

“Oh my god! The Min Yoongi has a crush!” I quietly exclaimed, a wide smile on my face as I wrapped a hand around his wrist, begging him to tell me about the girl he likes.

“She’s beautiful.” He says, blush rising to his cheeks. “But I can tell she doesn’t believe she is. And she’s so smart, so kind. There really isn’t a better girl.” I thought dating Jin would help my one-sided crush on Yoongi, but as I sit across from him as he tells me about this girl he likes, I can feel my heart breaking, knowing it’ll never be me.

I stood in the kitchen while the party raged on around me. Since dating Jin, Jimin and I have been invited to a lot more parties, parties I keep getting dragged to. I watched as Jimin drank and made new friends, enjoying himself, and I couldn’t be happier for him. I watched as Jin and his friends played some games, laughing and drinking the night away. They’ve always been the life of the party, and though I don’t like parties, I wasn’t going to stop my boyfriend from enjoying himself. So I stood in the kitchen, watching as everyone enjoys themselves, silently wishing I took Yoongi up on his offer to see a movie tonight.

“Now don’t tell me this beautiful girl is here alone.” I looked up and met a stranger’s eyes as he smirked at me. “All alone, standing in my kitchen, must be fate.” He continued, draping an arm across my shoulders.

“Actually I’m here with my boyfriend.” I smiled, turning towards where Jin last was, and seeing that him and his friends disappeared. My heart dropped to my stomach when I couldn’t see them anywhere.

��“No need to lie to me.” He teased, removing his arm from my shoulders, and instead wrapping it around my waist, pulling me closer to him as I tried to move away from him. “I’m sure I can show the Ice Queen a good time.”

“What are you doing, Minho?” The familiar voice eases my nerves but seems to do the opposite to Minho. His arm immediately drops from my waist as his eyes widen, meeting Yoongi’s eyes filled with anger. If I didn’t know Yoongi the way I do, I’d be terrified. When Yoongi raised his brow, Minho left the kitchen without another word. “Sorry about him. I’m still training him.” He chuckled. “Where’s Jin?” He asked, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked around for my boyfriend.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, ignoring his question. “I didn’t know Mr. Min Yoongi partied.” I teased, a smile making its way to my lips.

“I’m actually, unfortunately, apart of this frat. My dad actually started this frat with his friends, so I had no choice.” He explained, chuckling at my shocked face. “I really do apologize for Minho. I hope he didn’t make you too uncomfortable.”

“It’s okay, Yoongs. Thank you for saving me though. I don’t know where any of the guys went.” I took a quick look around, trying to see if I could any of the 6 guys I came with. “If you see any of them, can you let them know I went home? Parties really aren’t my thing.” I chuckled.

“I’ll take you home.” He said, setting the cup he was holding down on the counter. “Just text one of them to let them know you’re safe.” I nodded, closely following Yoongi as the two of us made our way through the dense crowd of people and out the front door. As we walked, I sent a quick text to both Jimin and Jin, letting them know Yoongi was walking me home.

“You know, you didn’t have to walk me home.” I spoke up after some silence. “It is technically your party; shouldn’t you be there?”

“Honestly, I try not to be home when there’s a party. It’s why I asked you to a movie tonight. Well that, and I like spending time with you.” My heart fluttered at his words. My head began spinning with theories as to what he meant. Would I be reading too far into it by thinking he has feelings for me too?

Monday afternoon, Yoongi was sitting at our regular table in the library, two coffees in front of him as per usual. “How’d your test go?” I asked, placing a bottle of water in front of him before taking my seat. He looked up at me as I sat down, a smile on his face when he met my eyes. So different than how things used to be.

“I won’t get the results until the end of the week, but I think I aced it!” He exclaimed. I remember the days we would study silently across from each other, not knowing anything about each other besides the rumours that circulated.

“Of course! You have the best tutor.” I joked, a wide smile on my face as he just smiled back at me, chuckling slightly, and shaking his head. I used to know absolutely nothing about him, besides the small things I heard from others, and the things I picked up on while silently crushing on him.

Now I know his smile. I know it so well I could probably draw it from memory. I know that his older brother would always cook for him. I know he’s not as close to his family as he wished he was. I know he struggles in his classes. I know he prefers iced coffee over hot coffee, and that he always forgets to drink water. He hates parties and spends most weekends at a diner, studying and trying to keep his grades up. I know he’s so far from being an Ice King. He’s so caring, so kind. And I know that I’m falling in love with him.

“I think it’s time we call it.” I overheard as I walked into the café I meet Jimin at everyday. I looked over to the tables Jin and his friends push together so the 7 of us can sit together, and saw the 5 of them sitting together, serious looks on all their faces.

“I love hanging out with her and Jimin.” Taehyung spoke, and I quickly sat at a nearby table, wanting to hear what they have to say. “You need to tell her about the bet.”

“A bet?! Seriously Jackson?” He stumbled over his words, trying to come up with a good excuse, but there wasn’t one. “Glad I could help you win. Don’t contact me again.” I pushed passed him as he called after me, but there wasn’t anything else that needed to be said. 2 years. I wasted 2 years of my life thinking we were in love, but it was all a bet. It was never love.

Jimin sat in front of me, snapping me out of my memories. He opened his mouth to say something, but I shushed him and pointed over to the guys.

“She’s so awesome. I feel so bad.” Jungkook added to the conversation. “She doesn’t deserve to have her feelings played with like this.”

“We can tell her everything and apologize. Hopefully, she’ll forgive us.” Jimin looked at me with confusion on his eyes as I struggled to breathe. It’s like high school all over again. When Jackson came into my life, stole my heart, and then destroyed me. Telling me he loved me, and planning our future, all the while laughing with his friends about how gullible I was. Jimin was the one to pull me out of my slump, but I put my walls up and I promised myself I’d never let them crumble. I’d never be so naïve again.

“I doubt she’d even care.” Jin scoffed. “She’s the Ice Queen for a reason.” Yet here I was, repeating it all over again.

“Just because she’s an Ice Queen doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings, hyung.” Hoseok spoke up, shaking his head. I’ll admit that the reason I started dating Jin wasn’t the best, but I found myself enjoying his company. Everything felt real, like he really cared about me. My feelings for Yoongi have always been stronger, but sometimes I felt myself falling for Jin’s charms. He’s not the school playboy for nothing. He really knows how to make a girl feel special. He knows how to knock down any wall someone has put up to protect themselves.

“Whatever. You guys can tell her about the bet then. While you’re at it, you can tell her we’re over. I have things to do.” He stood up from the table, and that’s when they all noticed Jimin and I sitting at a nearby table. Jin’s eyes widened when he saw us.

“You guys are all fucking disgusting.” Jimin exclaimed, standing up from the table. “You’re damn right she doesn’t deserve this. No one does! Y/N, let’s go.” His voice softened when he looked over at me, tears welling up in my eyes as I looked up at the man who bet on my heart. “They don’t deserve your tears, angel.” He whispered, wiping away my tears before grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the café.

“Talk about déjà vu.” I chuckled as we walked towards my apartment.

“Guys are the worst.” Jimin mumbled, shaking his head as the two of us walked hand in hand. I laced our fingers and walked closer beside him, swinging our arms causing him to chuckle at me.

“You’ve always been the exception to that statement, Min.” I smiled up at my best friend. I wasn’t in love with Jin the way I was with Jackson, but it doesn’t hurt any less. The crush that was forming on the handsome man quickly faded as the reality set in. Once again I was a bet. And I just wished people would stop making bets on my feelings.

“Don’t you usually leave by now?” Yoongi asked as the two of us studied together the next day. “The boyfriend is probably waiting for you.” He chuckled.

“We actually broke up.” His smile quickly fell as he spit out an apology. “It’s fine. The relationship was all a bet anyway.” I shrugged, trying my best not to let my feelings show. Trying to seem as unbothered as possible. “People love trying to break the Ice Queen.” Little do they know, the reason for my smiles wasn’t Kim Seokjin, but Min Yoongi, the Ice King himself.

“That’s so fucked. Guys are the worst.” He scoffed causing me to chuckle.

“That’s exactly what Jimin said.” I smiled.

“Talking about me?” Jimin joked, taking a seat beside me. “I hope you don’t mind if I intrude from now on.” The statement was directed towards Yoongi who shook his head. “Good, because if I see any of those guys, I will be throwing hands.”

“Please, Jungkook could beat you with just his pinky.” I teased, shoving him lightly. Yoongi was watching us with a fondness in his eyes I haven’t seen before. And I couldn’t stop the pounding of my heart, no matter how hard I tried.

Jimin continued meeting Yoongi and I at the library everyday after getting out of dance. At first I thought Yoongi would hate it as Jimin isn’t known for quietly studying like Yoongi and I are. But he quickly warmed up to my best friend, and 3 of us spent weekends going to movies and to the diner Yoongi loves to much. We avoided all the parties we were once invited to, and the café we were regulars at for so long, hoping never to cross paths with the guys we once considered friends.

My feelings for Yoongi only continued to grow as spent nearly everyday together. Days quickly turned into weeks, and before I knew it, it had been a month since Jin and I broke up. With Jimin and Yoongi with me everyday, I barely had time to feel the hurt I felt when it happened with Jackson. “Y/N.” 1 month since I found out about the bet. 1 month since I’ve seen any of the guys. 1 month and now Jin is standing in front of me. I moved to push passed him and get to the library, but he wrapped his hand around my arm, effectively stopping me. “It’s been a month; can I please just say something?”

“What more is there to say? I was a bet, and honestly speaking Kim Seokjin, you were a distraction.” His hand fell from my arm, dropping back to his side. “It was fun, though. But that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t hurt. And you didn’t seem to give a fuck. Telling your boys to tell me and break up with me for you. So why now? Don’t tell me some cliché shit that you realized you had feelings for me and that you miss me, because we both know that’s bullshit.” He stayed silent. “Good talk, Kim Seokjin.” I pushed open the doors to the library and made my way to my regular table, Yoongi already there, two coffees in front of him. “I feel like getting drunk.” I said, plopping in my regular seat.

“Rough day?” Yoongi chuckled, sliding my coffee across the table towards me.

“Let’s just say Seokjin wanted to talk.” Yoongi closed his text book and smiled up at me.

“Soju and ice cream?” He asked as he quickly packed up.

“I’ll text Jimin to meet us at my apartment. Let’s get drunk!” I exclaimed, grabbing my coffee, and leaving the library with Yoongi by my side. We were both chuckling as he opened the door, allowing me to walk out first. I wasn’t paying attention as I walked out the door, turning my head to look at Yoongi, and bumped into someone. “Sorry … Namjoon?” He smiled down at me as I quickly took a step back. Yoongi looked up at him before wrapping an arm around me, pulling me closer to him.

“You didn’t let Jin talk, so I figured I’d try.” He smiled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Yoongi spoke up. “You guys got caught; deal with the consequences of your actions.” The two of us tried to walk passed him, but unlike Kim Seokjin, Kim Namjoon was persistent.

“You act like you don’t make mistakes.” He called after us, stopping us in our tracks. “Jin told me you said he was just a distraction.” I turned to face Namjoon causing Yoongi’s arm to fall back to his side.

“When I agreed to the first date, I agreed hoping for a distraction from my one-sided crush. But when I agreed to the second date, it was because I liked his company. When I said yes to being his girlfriend, it was because I had real feelings for him. And that’s the difference between me and him, Kim Namjoon. Everything on my end was 100% real, where as on his end it was all fake. He pretended to have feelings for me.” Namjoon stared at me, obviously not expecting my blow up. “What else needs to be said, Namjoon?” I asked, my voice cracking. Yoongi slid his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together and giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“We’re sorry. We never got to apologize, and we want to.” I shook my head.

“I don’t want your apology. You don’t deserve my forgiveness.” He didn’t stop us as we walked away this time. “I really need a drink.” I whispered causing Yoongi to chuckle.

“Consider it done, princess.”

Jimin was angrily pacing around my living room after Yoongi and I told him what happened. “Hoseok approached me today, too. They waited an entire month to try to apologize. What a joke.” He took a swig of his drink. “I can’t believe they did exactly what Jackson and his friends did in high school! Like, we’re in fucking college now.”

“Wait, this happened to you before?” Yoongi jumped in as Jimin continued to mumble to himself between taking swigs of his drink.

“It’s not a big deal.” I shrugged, really not wanting to explain what happened in high school. But Jimin had other plans.

“No big deal?! You switched schools! Wouldn’t eat unless I forced you to! Jackson is the whole reason you’re known as the Ice Queen in the first place.” Yoongi looked between the two of us. “You spent 2 years believing he was the great love of your life, just to find out it was all a bet and he never loved you. That’s a big deal!”

“2 years?” Yoongi asked and all I could do was nod. “God, guys fucking suck.” He exclaimed, leaning back on the couch as he took another sip of his drink.

“That’s what I’m saying!” Jimin added, plopping himself down on a chair.

“You two are the only guys I need.” I smiled, cuddling up to Yoongi, who happily wrapped his arms around me and placed a kiss on top of my head.

“I never should have told you to go on that date.” Jimin mumbled as he watched Yoongi and I.

“You didn’t know it would end up like this.” I told him; my words muffled by Yoongi’s shirt as my head rested on his chest. The three of us continued to drink, trying to forget all the angst of the day and have a good night.

“Hey! Now that Suck-Jin is gone, you can make your move!” Jimin exclaimed some hours later, all of us considerably more drunk than we expected to be.

“Oh yeah! You were saying you had a crush on someone!” Yoongi jumped in, poking my arm with a teasing smile on his face. “You’re beautiful! You should just go for it.” I laughed, shaking my head. “Come on, Y/N!” Yoongi whined. “I want to see you happy.”

“Yeah, Y/N! What was his name again?” I couldn’t help but laugh at how Jimin hasn’t changed. He still forgets everything when he’s drunk. “Yoongi!” He yelled, causing Yoongi to look over at him.

“You don’t have to yell, I’m right here!” Yoongi yelled back. Jimin’s eyes widened.

“Y/N! Now’s your chance! He’s right there.” He loudly whispered, cupping his hands around his mouth as if that would stop Yoongi from hearing him.

“Shut up, Jimin!” I said as I threw a pillow towards him, missing by a lot due to the alcohol in my system. “He has a crush on some girl!” I exclaimed with a pout on my face.

“Dammit Yoongi!” Jimin exclaimed. “How can you not like Y/N?!” He leaned forward in his chair, causing him to fall to the ground. I burst out laughing, completely forgetting the conversation that was happening seconds previous.

“Idiot! You’re always falling off chairs.” I laughed, but Yoongi was silent, seeming to have quickly sobered up. “Yah!” I slapped Yoongi’s arm. “What’s with that face?” I pouted.

“You like me?” My eyes widened as my jaw dropped.

“Who told you?” I whispered. “You weren’t supposed to know!” Yoongi chuckled, shaking his head at me.

“I think it’s bed time for you.” He stood up, holding a hand out for me to take so he could help me up. “Jimin,” he turned to saying something, but Jimin was passed out on the floor. “Okay then.” He chuckled before helping me to my room.

“Stay.” I pouted as I patted the empty space beside me. He shook his head as he tucked me in and turned to leave. “Yoongs!” I whined. “I want cuddles.” He chuckled, standing in my doorway contemplating whether he should stay or leave. “Please.”

“Always my weakness.” He mumbled to himself before crawling into bed with me and pulling me into his arms. I fell asleep quickly while listening to his heartbeat.

I woke up still wrapped in Yoongi’s arms, and the events of the previous night hit me like a truck. “Fuck.” I whispered to myself, trying to wriggle out of his arms without waking him up.

“You wanted cuddles; you live with the consequences.” He mumbled; his eyes still closed.

“Yah, if you’re awake, let me go.” I whined, trying to pull his arms off of me, but his grip only tightened. “What are you doing?” I asked, eventually giving up on getting out of his arms. He mumbled something I couldn’t understand before pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head. “Wow, who would have known the Ice King was actually the biggest softie.” I joked.

“Says miss Ice Queen pouting until I cuddled her.” I let out a small giggle, the memory coming back to me slowly. “You and Jimin are really funny when you’re drunk.” Before I could ask, he continued. “You accidentally confessed to me last night.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard him loud and clear. “Before you panic,” He was moving so he could look at me, but his arms were still around me. “I like you too.” I couldn’t help the smile the overtook my face when he said that. “So if we can shake the third wheel, I’d like to take you out today.” I giggled, but promised I’d find a way for it to be just us. “Okay, then I’m going to go home and get ready. I’ll see you in a couple hours.” He pressed a soft kiss to my temple before getting out of my bed and leaving.

My two previous relationships may have failed miserably, but I know things are different this time. Third times a charm, as they say.

#bts imagine #bts au #min yoongi imagine #min yoongi au #min yoongi x reader #kim seokjin imagine #kim seokjin au #kim seokjin x reader #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #kim namjoon #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook

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