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mimzy-writing-online · 5 years

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Writing Blind Characters Falling in Love, an Advice post

Okay, let’s get down to business (to defeat the huns...)

Last May I wrote a long and intensive guide on how to write a blind character. The masterpost of that guide is here: https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185122795699/writing-a-blind-or-visually-impaired-character

[Yes, I know I never finished part four, I feel bad about that]

Since writing that guide I’ve had a few of you wonderful writers contact me asking for more situational advice on writing your characters. Which I love doing. I love seeing people making a serious effort to get it right.

Last night someone asked me how to write a blind character falling in love...

...and I thought, wow, how did I forget to write about love and blindness. Especially since I had such an intense experience of falling in love for the first time while losing vision.

There’s a lot of thoughts I have on this subject, so it’ll take a bit to get through. In this guide we’ll talk about:

1) Is dating different when you’re disabled?

2) Are there problems with dating when you’re disabled?

3) How your characters meet

4) First things in a new relationship when you’re blind

5) The joy of falling and being in love while blind

Disclaimer: I am a visually impaired writer and blogger. I have been living with vision loss for two years now. I also fell in love during those two years, even if she and I are not together anymore. I also write blind characters of my own, including Ulric, from my current wip A Witch’s Memory

Is dating different when you’re disabled?

Well, yes. But also no. It’s a romance that involves a few more challenges than a romance between able bodied people, but at it’s heart it’s still a romance. Love is still the focus.

While planning and writing your book/story, you need to be aware of how much space you allow for a romance plot and how that space compares to other plotlines. If you’re writing an action story and your romance is only a subplot, then the space you have to establish your characters’ more intimate interactions is smaller. If the romance is one half of the plot, or most of the plot, it gets more space to work with.

In that time you need to establish how your characters meet and how they connected emotionally. Those are two separate things. How do they meet the first time, and what makes them want to keep meeting up. Meet-cutes are adorable and I’ve read a bunch, but your characters need something about them that makes them emotionally connect and want to see more of each other. Thinking they’re cute and jumping from first exchanged words to an offer for a date in two pages isn’t realistic and it’s too fast paced if you’re working with something serious.

Also a blind character won’t likely recognize if the character is cute, not unless their vision allows for it. What a blind character will latch onto is conversation and how they felt in the moment.

When writing a romance plot, the emotional connection is worth its weight in gold. You need to establish it, kindle it, and let it grow.

What will make a blind character (or anyone really) connect to someone new?

Here are your three basics for establishing a connection.

Conversation

Respect

Common Ground

You start with conversation to get to know each other, you establish if this is a person who will respect you as a person for being disabled or for being any other minority you are. Then you establish if you have common ground.

Respect is usually the thing that gets in the way of dating when you’re disabled.

Conversation: What connects people is their first conversation. This is where your character’s make their first impression with each other. If conversation comes easily, or if there’s a lot of humor, people will connect. It’s a lot easier to leave a stilted conversation than a flowing, easy conversation. Your characters also pick up clues about who that person is in the conversation, what their interests are, what their life is like, how they feel, what they think.

If your blind character is someone who misses a lot of facial expression and body language, they will be relying heavily on word choice and tone when determining someone else’s mood.

Respect is something you usually determine after the conversation has developed. Unless someone was off the bat rude to you the second they met you, or discriminated against you instantly, it will take a little longer to see how much respect someone has for both you and for a minority group.

Disrespect for the Disabled Comes in Multiple Forms

Discrimination: this is quicker for someone who is not disabled to identify. It’s garden variety discrimination. They don’t care that you’re blind and need help finding a door or elevator. They make jokes about your disability both in front of you and behind your back. They say they would never ever date someone with a disability, as if you’re a burden

(note: I’m not saying anyone has to date anyone, abled or not. But maybe don’t say to someone point blank that you could never date or be attracted to someone with a disability, because it’s just rude. Also these people were rarely asked)

Backwards Disrespect: “Oh, you’re so pretty, I would have never known you were blind” “You’re too pretty to be blind” “Wow, you’re so ambitious/hard-working for someone with a disability” “You talk really well for a deaf person, you sound almost normal”

If they sound like compliments to you, guess again. To be honest, I’m hoping you’re all reading those “compliments” and wondering what sort of person would think to compliment someone like that. But here’s the thing, those are all real things that have been said to countless people with disabilities.

My Personal Favorite, from my at-the-time class crush: “But you’re so sweet and nice, you don’t deserve to be blind. You poor thing.”

But people still think these are good compliments to say to someone with a disability, even though it thoroughly insults everyone else with that same disability as being of a lesser standard.

Savior Complex/Infantalize: This is where you see your savior complexes come out, and there’s a huge real-life reality that people with savior complexes seek out the disabled to help them, and that includes romance. It’s also where I fear many of you writers may accidentally venture into without meaning too.

Granted there is a lot of care giving involved when you are a close family member, close friend, or a romantic partner to someone with a disability. In a fresh relationship, a romantic partner would not be involved much/at all in caregiving because they don’t live with this person or have any experience with their disability.

Care giving for a loved one is great. What’s not great is if your blind character’s romantic interest starts babying them. Talking to them as though they are a child. Limiting that person’s activity or freedom on the basis of protecting them from harm because they can’t see what they’re doing. If your blind character’s romantic interest starts acting like an overbearing mother in a YA novel, you have some serious problems with that romantic interest and your character needs to get out of the relationship.

But this is a reality of being disabled and dating. Sometimes people stop seeing you as an independent person capable of making decisions, and start seeing you as an adorable, tall child who needs to be protected. It sucks. Never date someone like that.

Ignore: I’m referring to a very specific type of disrespect and I’m not sure what a better word for it would be. Here’s a straight forward example.

Your blind character says they don’t feel comfortable going to a club with their new date because they feel vulnerable in a dark, loud environment already filled with risks for danger. Your character’s romantic interest ignores that, thinking if they just try it out anyway, they’ll love it. And if your character decides they love being coerced or forced out of their clearly marked comfort zone to do this dangerous activity that scares them, you fucked up. Because nobody should be coerced or forced out of their comfort zone, they should be able to leave their comfort zone on their specific terms. Your characters love interest needs to respect that. Your character established a boundary/concern because of their disability, and they need to be listened to.

Or, on the other side.

Your blind character expresses what they can do on their own without help, and your character’s love interest ignores that. Bad. That goes back into the infantizing aspect, but in truth they’re two sides of the same coin.

There’s like five million other ways to discriminate against the disabled, but there’s your top four in social/relationship settings.

Common Ground I feel should be self explanatory. It’s things that connect your characters beyond looks or small talk. Their shared interests, shared humor, shared personality traits, shared life experiences, shared religion or culture, anything like that.

What are the dangers of dating when you’re disabled and how do you avoid them?

There’s a lot of danger to being disabled, to being an easy target in the eyes of others. It’s even worse when you’re a woman. Even worse when you’re blind or deaf.

[Note: please don’t use this as an excuse to include rape plots or domestic violence, those are actual triggers for many people, including myself. There’s already too many stories out there with rape scenes used to further plot when literally anything could have been done instead]

What are the dangers of dating when disabled?

Part of it is how you meet someone. For this reason a lot of people with disabilities might opt to only date people they’ve met in person before, sticking to people they know well. This means they won’t date online. That’s not a universal choice, but it is a reality. I have tried online dating since vision loss and I won’t mention I’m blind in my profile? Why?

There are people who would pick me specifically because I’m blind. Those people are: 1. People with savior complexes 2. People who want someone weaker than them to abuse, who they think won’t fight back or will be less likely to leave 3. People with a disability fetish. I’ve experienced 2 out of 3 personally.

So I’d prefer to date someone I met through school or through a friend group. Not been so lucky there, but that’s life.

How Your Characters Meet

Given the above, your character is not likely to go on a date with an online stranger. Though there are exceptions and they are taken with the precaution of having someone sitting in the corner of the coffee shop you’re meeting at, or something like that. Your character is also not likely to go on a blind date.

A note on blind dates: If your blind character is going on a blind date, you did it, you jumped into a cliche/trope. It’s not that you can’t write it, but it’s over-done and anyone who is blind will probably stop reading your story, or maybe never even start. Also, I’m not sure blind dates exist as a social practice after 2010, so there’s also that...

Your character, like most people, will find someone they want to date in the crowd of people they already know. I’m not saying they have to be a friends to lovers thing (although that is my fave trope) but they probably know their love interest in passing before things really get started. A coffee shop regular, a classmate they’ve only talked to a little bit, a friend of a friend.

The First Things

Over the course of dating your characters will have a series of conversations about disability that happen and are mixed in with other normal dating life.

Things your characters should establish on the first date:

-Your blind character will explain to their date how much they can and can’t see. You should be a little in depth if you can, because that’s honestly just a real thing about dating when blind. This might involve mentioning a diagnosis, but your character might choose to shy away from telling the full story if it was an emotional one

-Your character should establish their boundaries, what they can do without help or with minimal help, and what they can’t do. (and their date should respect that)

-The date should happen like most normal dates. They should still talk about all the things two able-bodied people would talk about on a first date. Interests, family, childhood, etc

In following dates:

Your blind character should be able to tell their date when they’re not okay with them doing something (making a blind joke, or trying to talk for them/over them to sighted people without permission, like “oh no, they don’t need a menu/straw/map/shopping bag/etc)

Like all couples, your characters should discuss physical boundaries. That means sex, physical affection, verbal affection, PDA, not touching personal possessions (such as cane, guide dog, or phone). This doesn’t necessarily have to happen on page, but it’s something all dating people should just have in the beginning of their relationship.

Your blind character will talk about small daily struggles with blindness and their date should listen, just listen. Listening is one of the biggest ways to help someone with a disability. Listen to what they say they feel, without telling them they’re overreacting. Listen to their struggles without trying to fix it all right away and without their permission. Listen to how they ask to be treated.

Your blind character will get comfortable with this relationship, and eventually rely on their partner a little more for small things.

The Joy of Being and Falling in Love while Blind

Falling in love with someone when you live with a disability has a unique aspect to it. You’re so used to struggling to do things yourself that now having someone who helps even a little is life changing.

Your partner (with your permission) will speak up for you when you face discrimination for your disability. It will feel fucking amazing to have someone tell others off on your behalf.

They help with small daily tasks. For example, I hate taking trash out to the bins because my outside vision is very bad, so I always prefer for someone else to do it. Or running an errand to the store is 10x less stressful because there’s someone sighted to help.

Your partner becomes someone you feel safe traveling with, and you’ll go on more adventures because now they’re by your side. I tried lots of new things while in my last relationship that I didn’t try with previous ones where I was sighted. I went to new places, tried new foods and new restaurants, saw movies that I’d never heard of. She and I even took a drive through rich neighborhoods in December to see all the decked out Christmas decorations.

There’s someone who makes you feel loved and cherished. Someone who makes this ablest world feel a little less rotten. A little more beautiful.

I think that’s what I have for now. This is a bit of a monster of a post, so I’m impressed if you got this far. If you have more questions about writing a blind character, feel free to message me or send me an ask. Feel free to interact with me in general, I love you all.

This is going to be linked into my master post as well. Like this and all my other posts on the subject, any post involving advice for writing a blind character will be tagged #blindcharacter

Follow me for writing advice, updates on my wip A Witch’s Memory, and writing memes or relatable posts.

#writing advice #writing tips #writing community #writing #blindcharacter #mine #my post #my advice

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recentanimenews · 7 years

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Bookshelf Briefs 5/29/17

Bloom Into You, Vol. 2 | By Nakatani Nio | Seven Seas – While there is a lot of yuri out there that can be defined by the words “what is this strange feeling in my heart?,” I’m not sure if any of them are quite as fascinating as Yuu. I’m not entirely sure if this manga is going to go with “Yuu is asexual,” but the first couple of volumes can certainly be read at that. She’s not really aromantic, though, and her relationship with Touko is complicated—and becoming known to others, who may also be asexual. Touko, meanwhile, is the ever-popular “problematic” we see in so many yuri titles as well, and is having trouble balancing that line between consent and just giving in to her desires. Bloom Into You may start like typical yuri, but it’s not headed that way. Good stuff. – Sean Gaffney

Chihayafuru, Vol. 2 | By Yuki Suetsuki | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – Oh, happy sigh. I do love Chihayafuru so much. In this volume, we see the conclusion to the elementary tournament Chihaya, Taichi, and Arata have entered. Sadly, they lose and Arata moves away not long after. Chihaya is certain that they’ll meet again, but as we skip ahead three years to high school, it’s clear that they haven’t really kept in contact. She’s determined to start a karuta club and makes Taichi promise to join if she finally achieves class A ranking. Seeing her compete rekindles his own love of karuta, but when she calls Arata to tell him the good news, she learns he’s stopped playing for a really awful reason. I actually got sniffly when they came face to face again at last. This is the kind of manga where I wish I had dozens of volumes stacked up to marathon. Unequivocally recommended. – Michelle Smith

The Full-Time Wife Escapist, Vol. 3 | By Tsunami Umino | Kodansha Comics (digital only) – Although I enjoy a good cliffhanger as much as the next person, I’m not normally as invested in their outcome as I was for the one at the end of volume two of this series. Before we find out exactly what Tsuzaki and Kazami mean by “sharing” Mikuri, however, there’s an interlude where she and her fake husband must field questions from relatives about their procreation plans. I really enjoy the way Umino is plotting this series—it makes sense why Mikuri would want to take Kazami up on his arrangement, and neatly dovetails into her aunt finding out about it, prompting her to be concerned about the nature of her niece’s marriage. Mikuri doesn’t engage in any flights of fancy this time, but she does do a lot of psychoanalyzing her husband, which is interesting. Definitely looking forward to volume four! – Michelle Smith

Girls’ Last Tour, Vol. 1 | By Tsukumizu | Yen Press – I’m not entirely sure what to make of Girls’ Last Tour. Chito and Yuuri are two chibi-faced young women roaming a post-apocalyptic wasteland on their Kettenkrad motorbike, just trying to survive. There are parts of this series I really liked. I love the depictions of desolate cities, or cavernous interiors… it reminds me a little of BLAME! in that respect, which is a major compliment. Too, I like their brief interaction with a guy named Kanazawa, who has found meaning for his life in creating maps, and that other levels exist where conditions might be different. I find that I really want to know how things turned out this way. That said, I strenuously dislike Yuuri, and there are some really unfunny gags featuring her that I guess are supposed to be moe or something but just piss me off. Still, I’ll be continuing! – Michelle Smith

Golden Time, Vol. 7 | By Yuyuko Takemiya and Umechazuke | Seven Seas – Linda is mostly absent from this volume, which allows us to focus on the odd triangle between Kouko, Banri, and Banri’s old self, which seems to literally be sabotaging his relationship, though he’s also being helped by coincidental disaster and bad choices, particularly “don’t drive home when you’re all sleepy,” which leads to Kouko, understandably, having a complete nervous breakdown as several of her long-standing issues combine with nightmares she’s having about the car accident. Fortunately, Bari gets over his own issues to an extent in time to be there for her, and much to my surprise we get a ‘girlfriend’s dad’ who’s supportive and not a caricature. As good as ever. – Sean Gaffney

Kase-san and Bento | By Hiromi Takashima | Seven Seas – After getting together in the first volume, this second in the “Kase-san and” series continues to show off the awkwardness that comes with having just gotten together. Both girls still don’t know each other that well, and misunderstandings abound. But they’re all relatively easy to resolve misunderstandings, which is good, because no one is reading this for overwrought lesbian drama. We’re reading it because Yamada is adorable, Kase-san is spunky, and the two of them together are wonderful. There are a few more kisses, and Yamada is slowly gaining confidence. And there are bentos. Which, you know, you would expect thanks to the title. Cuteness personified. – Sean Gaffney

Maid-sama!, Vols. 15-16 | By Hiro Fujiwara | Viz Media – I had thought Maid-sama ended with volume sixteen, but I was wrong. And indeed, much of this volume is about reminding me that it’s not just as simple as “Misaki admits she likes him, the end.” Usui comes with baggage, though, and we learn a lot about that baggage in this volume, including the story of how his parents met—it’s steeped in class issues and tragedy. And as such Misaki, who is as common as they come, has it hammered into her that she can never be with him as she can’t cross those class barrier. Misaki, of course, is ready to kick your class barrier down with her best quality—her sheer stubbornness. Oh yes, and Misaki’s father returns. Please ignore that entire plotline; it’s awful. – Sean Gaffney

Requiem of the Rose King, Vol. 6 | By Aya Kanno | Viz Media – There’s a lot of good stuff going on in this volume, not the least of which is the tragic death of a major character, but it’s sort of hard to get past THAT SCENE. I said “poor Anne” at the end of my last review, and boy, I wasn’t kidding, though frankly she takes it far better than I expected. But man, Margaret. She’s always been one of my favorite Shakespeare villains, as well as one of his best female characters, and BOY HOWDY does Kanno convey that in a fantastic way. You want to recoil from the page. As for Henry and Richard, I think by necessity we are headed to the end of that relationship soon, unless there’s some rewriting of canon beyond what we’ve already seen. Riveting. -Sean Gaffney

Toriko, Vol. 38 | By Mitsutoshi Shimabukuro | Viz Media – Thankfully, this volume was considerably more interesting than the previous one, though I am still grateful we’re heading for the end. Most of the volume focuses on Komatsu and the other cooks, and I am reminded that this is really Komatsu’s story as much as Toriko’s, and he’s had a lot farther to develop. Beyond that, we have the usual impressive shone n stunts, monsters galore, and a decent amount of food, though I miss the days when food was the only thing driving this manga. And again, the relationship between Toriko and Komatsu may not be explicitly gay, but it’s certainly far deeper than any relationships the two of them have with their love interests. Keep at it if you’ve been reading it. – Sean Gaffney

Welcome to the Ballroom, Vol. 5 | By Tomo Takeuchi | Kodansha Comics – The Tenpei Cup has come to an end, and Tatara Fujita must return to normal life. After successfully getting into high school, he is upfront about his love of dancesport in his self-introduction, earning the mockery of the girl who sits in front of him, Chinatsu Hiyama. However, it soon becomes apparent that not only is Chinatsu a big fan of Sengoku and his partner, Chizuru Hongo, but she has some experience with ballroom dance. Hey, how convenient that such a character shows up right when Tatara is in need of a new partner! Imagine that. Anyway, this is mostly a transitional volume, and featured a couple of people saying unkind things about their overweight friend, so I didn’t enjoy it as much as previous volumes. I’m still on board for the next one, though. – Michelle Smith

By: Michelle Smith

#Anime #News #Manga Bookshelf

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