#i also made the filter myself and the blur and the
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Hi there,
I want to rant about fetishes. I know I'm into the more violent stuff, and I'm pretty sure I know why (lifetime of self-hatred and trauma to boot), but recently I've been dabbling in the guro side of things and I feel ... guilty? Ashamed? Also idk how to filter guro so I only see the things that work for *me* (drowning, bruises, beatings) and not the other stuff (dec*pitation, graphic torture). At the same time I cant help but feel like I'm what's wrong with the world. Do you have any advice for me?
pretty heavy talk ahead. i’ll start with the advice and end with a personal anecdote if that’s useful.
i want to start by saying you’re not “what’s with the world.” there are a lot of reasons people seek out gore and graphic content. for some, it’s morbid curiosity and for others there is a fetish component. if you’ve been through something traumatic, i think there’s a draw to view violence from a “safe” distance as a form of catharsis. none of that makes you a bad person. but i also think it can cross very easily into a form of self-harm and become dangerous.
i don’t know you well enough to make assumptions beyond what you mentioned here. if you’re experiencing a lot of distress or discomfort, or feeling more negative about yourself, then you should stop seeking it out completely. it might be something that you view to “punish” yourself, or use to distract from other upsetting thoughts or feelings, especially if it’s something you’re looking for compulsively or extremely frequently.
i also recommend cutting back on real gore, especially videos, if that’s what you’re looking at. those will desensitize you the more you watch them, and you shouldn’t be desensitized to real human suffering. those people in “infamous gore videos” don’t exist in a vacuum, they’re real people with childhoods and families who went through horrible things, and now it’s on the internet forever. if you’re worried that you’ve already hit that point of extreme numbness and don’t feel what you should or don’t feel anything, you’ll be okay if you stay away from gore for a while. those feelings you thought you lost will come back. when they do, i’d maintain that distance. stick to simulated gore in fictional horror media like movies or games instead.
in the past, when people have approached me about having guilt or shame about their interests, i generally told them not to worry. there’s nothing wrong with having noncon fantasies, or enjoying horror-themed erotica. as long as you’re able to distinguish fantasy from reality and don’t impose those fantasies on people who don’t consent to being involved in them, you’re fine. i stand by all of that. but this is about gore specifically which i feel is a little different. morbid curiosity or interest isn’t unusual but you have to keep it healthy and responsible. even if it’s purely fictional gore that’s giving you this reaction, you should still stop viewing it. it’s not “silly” or “weak” to acknowledge the emotional response you’re getting from something.
now the personal anecdote. i started writing explicit guro in 2016 (shades of it had been in my work before then). i had just graduated, i was feeling really lost, adrift and desperate for community, and i was extremely online. i followed a few people who reblogged real gore and went looking for it outside of tumblr a lot too. i was obsessed. i think i told myself it was “reference” for my work but it had the catharsis and fetish element for me too. these horrible things happened to other people instead of me, i could revel in it safely from a distance. but it wasn’t “safe,” it was harmful. it was so far beyond “curiosity,” it was a fixation and a crutch. i looked at it so much that it stopped feeling real and i forgot that the people in those videos were people at all. it was just a blur of gruesome, awful shit all the time.
there wasn’t any single thing that made me stop. i think eventually it just wore on me too much. i wasn’t doing any of this stuff in moderation, i was online constantly, i was posting constantly, i was writing intense guro constantly. and there’s nothing wrong with making a lot of dark art, but i wasn’t engaging with any of my other interests or living my life much outside of it. i have boundaries i stick to for myself now. medical resources, roadkill, pictures people share consensually of their own injuries, things i might come across over the course of my normal life are fine. i don’t go looking for anything more extreme than that anymore, and i don’t even go looking for “acceptable things” all that often anymore. that kneejerk “god that’s awful” response that i’d lost is back. some people have a higher tolerance for this stuff than others, but i’m not “some people.” i know myself and i know what kinds of things i can become unhealthily reliant on and why, so now i’m much more careful. you know yourself best and you have to decide that for yourself, too.
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2023.06.22 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324915504857874452
bgm: 隆里电丝 (Lonely Dance) - 盛宇DamnShine ft Key.L刘聪
LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Welcome!
LYN: It's the Dragon Boat Festival today. So I want to wish you peace and health today. That's why I purposely wore green today- to make myself look like a zongzi. In order to celebrate the festival, I made my self look like a zongzi.
C: I didn't think you would come.
LYN: I just wanted to give you a surprise on the day of the Dragon Boat Festival.
C: I knew you would come.
LYN: Don't say nonsense, as if you know me very well and can see right through me. PLEASE don't see through me. If you're going to be like that then I'll leave. Bye bye~ I don't like being predictable. Don't guess.
C: This morning my mom and I were talking about you for a long time.
LYN: What are you and your mom talking about me for? Did you tell your mom that I would be going to your house to celebrate? That she should be expecting a young kid to come to your house and celebrate the holiday with you, to eat zongzi?
C: Where are the special effects?
LYN: The last time you were complaining. I saw someone say they watching the playback and got car sick. So I didn't turn on any of the effects today- only the beauty filters. I've got some brightening and blur going on. I didn't turn on any effects. But since you want to see it, I can turn on a little.
C: I just finished dinner. Have you eaten zongzi yet?
LYN: I ate. You don't need to worry about me. My portions have been growing lately, because when I have time I will try to work out. My food intake has been growing.
C: What have you been busy with?
LYN: I've been working on dubbing. Yesterday I left a message in the chat- that I've been recording songs. I told that my goal in coming back to Beijing was to work on my album, first, and record for OSTs that I still owe. For the most part, I came to do the dubbing. We've been very detailed with it. I've been using my voice a lot. The reason why I came to stream today was... honestly I almost didn't. I told you- I haven't been streaming lately because I've been needing to use my voice a lot. Lately I haven't been able to do my hair or get styled up- I just brush my teeth and wash my face and I'm out the door. I wear some sweatpants with sneakers and a t-shirt. Very relaxed. I've been eating a lot, too, since I haven't had to be on camera for this period of time. I've gained some weight, but it's okay. I need some strength so I can work out, anyway.
LYN: Yesterday I saw a lot of you couldn't take it anymore and you started commenting that you missed me. I told you I would stream until you threw up but I just don't have the time. I can't stream ALL THE TIME. I should have work to do. It's better for me to work. So... excuse me. But I felt guilty- the last time I streamed was the 6th or 7th?- so I figured it was about time for me to squeeze a stream out.
C: Baby, you're the best.
LYN: Don't call me "baby." I see that and am resistant. Don't call me "baby" please, thank you. I'm so old and you're calling me "baby"?? Oh, my goodness. I can't take it. Don't call me that.
LYN: Just call me "Ning-ge". If you're older than me, you can call me "Xiao Ning" or if you're younger you can also call me "Liu Yuning".
C: The presents aren't turned off.
LYN: Are you serious- Is the gifting option open? I can't close that function myself, I need the weibo staff to do it for me. Let me find a staff member to contact. I'll tell them.
C: It's not on.
LYN: It's not? Then what are you messing with me for?? It's not on, right?
C: It is.
LYN: Is what you're seeing the special effects, perhaps?
C: I have it.
LYN: Well, maybe weibo can tell that you're a big spender. They think that you're not lacking the money, so are giving you this opportunity to exhaust some funds. But I don't need you to spend money on me.
C: People are gifting.
LYN: Those are special effects, not presents. Those are free!
C: I can't send them, but other people can.
LYN: Is the age of big technology catering to individual preferences, now? No, right?
C: "Send Gift" is presents.
LYN: That's not presents though, is it? It's a special effect. I can ask, it's no problem. Don't worry. My weibo live stream is like a benefit for the fans. I want to make sure you get enough. So you don't have to send presents or anything.
C: Why don't I have it?
LYN: It's not that big of a deal that you have to compete with everyone else!! Why are you so competitive? Just because someone else has something, you have to have it, too?? If you were just as competitive in your studies it would be much better. Why do you have to be competitive when it comes to watching a live stream? It's not worth it. There's no need. If you don't have it, it's okay. Don't send me anything.
C: I have it.
LYN: What's there to brag about? Stop showing off. Haven't your elders ever taught you not to reveal your wealth?
LYN: Today is June 22nd. I remember when I debuted it was five years ago in June sometime, right? 6/18? No- that's not it. I remember it was near the end of June. As for what specific day, we never set one. It's not like I made a post that read, "Starting from today, I have debuted." But in general it should have been around the end of June, five years ago. Just about. Friends, I've debuted for five years, now. Time goes by so quickly.
LYN: Many of you may have started liking me around June, five years ago. Honestly I hadn't officially debuted yet but they had already won. Five years... it's been fast.
C: It's been five years since I won the lottery.
LYN: If you're going to be like that, then...
- ~ Time has really gone by so quickly. Before I knew it, many of you have already spent five years with me. In these five years I've experienced so much but I've also received so much. I want to thank the friends from five years ago who have kept me company along the way until now. Thank you. You've also experienced the happiness, the pain, the troubles, and the ups and downs with me. But it's been five years together- five years. ~
- ! Do you know how I've spent these five years?!? Do you know?? !
- ~ You don't know. ~
LYN: ~ Of course, there are also the friends who have only known me for a year or two, or even more recently. ~
C: Genre switch?
LYN: I'm sorry! I have a little... I'm a little crazy. Sorry. I suddenly thought of a scene in a movie: "Five years. Five years!" From Zhang Dehui's (?) movie.
C: You scared me to death.
LYN: I'm sorry I'm just like this- a little insane. That's why when you're watching my stream you need to keep alert. You can be scared at any moment. But here's the thing- normal people aren't as interesting. You have to encounter someone insane like me every once in a while. They'll give you small surprises and amusement in life. As long as this person is not insane AND harbor ill-intent, I think it's okay. I'm insane. A lot of you are already used to it.
LYN: But I still want to thank all the friends who have been by my side until today. Thank you for believing/trusting me and standing on my side if I face any trouble. You've faced it head on with me, and we've come out of it together. Compared to five years ago, I'd say I've become more stable. I'm not as anxious as I was before, worrying about whether I would continue to have work or not or whether I would be needed by people/this industry or not. I'm not as... removed. No longer at a loss (as to my place). I've come to understand a lot. I've experienced all that there is to. So... I want to thank you for staying throughout all of that. Thank you to all the new friends, too. It's a pleasure to know you. I hope we can continue to face the next five years together as well. Thank you.
C: Are we spending the new year?
LYN: I don't think so. We'll see. If I'm in a good condition I'll stream a little longer, but if I'm in a bad condition then I'll wrap up early. These days I have a lot of work that requires the use of my voice so please be understanding. If I have time, I'll definitely come to stream. When I'm not streaming- I kid you not- I'll feel guilty. So you really don't need to come and urge me. You don't need to call me out all the time. I know, I have awareness. I know that it's been a long time and I should be streaming, but sometimes when you come push me- of course, I understand, though. Because you all rely on me and want to see me and miss me. That's why sometimes I will force myself to stream. It's a way for me to relieve stress as well.
LYN: It just happens that today is a holiday, so I came to stream. It's all good. I'm happy! I've even worn this zongzi-colored clothes to come meet with you. How thoughtful am I?? Actually, I had thought of the outfit I would wear the next time I streamed. Every time I stream I put a lot of consideration into what I want to look like- because I respect this stage very much. This stage, that lets me show myself. So the last time, I had already thought of what I would wear next. I went online and bought everything I needed- three things in total. Only two of them have arrived. The most important piece isn't here yet. I even contacted customer service today. I told them I was expecting the package on 6/15, but why haven't I received it yet?? I already asked them about this four days ago, too. At that time, they said, "We're sorry. Please expect your package in the next 2-3 business days." So today- it's been four days and they haven't contacted me yet. So I asked them again. They said it was a holiday, so they are taking two days of break. I almost wanted to ask them were they worked, I want to work there, too. But today I am not wearing what I had planned because one of the items has not arrived. The next time I stream I'll give you a surprise.
C: When are you entering the new crew?
LYN: What crew? I don't have work. I'm at home, idling. I don't have work. /fake cries/ I've just been at home, crying. I don't have a crew.
C: Didn't you say that yourself? That you were entering a crew next month?
LYN: The "crew" I mentioned then was a community group that focuses on waste disposal and sanitation. Don't a lot of artists go around Sina to sweep the corridors? (?) I'm not qualified to go, so I'm just going to sweep around my community. Other artists can get a trending topic for doing it, let's see if I can get one too. So I've joined a small... sanitation crew in the community I'm living in right now. Next month I will officially join it. XD
C: Come clean up my dorm!
LYN: Clean your dorm?? Has chasing stars twisted so much that you want your idol to become your cleaning lady? Also, I want to say, I'm guessing this friend is a girl- if you don't even want to clean your own dorm, you're too dirty aren't you?? Sweep it yourself. Wipe it down. Organize your stuff. Let's be clean and neat.
C: I thought you were going to count beads?
LYN: Yeah, I am. I have been, but it's not really a nice thing to do while I'm streaming, is it? So I won't. I don't want to be clacking around- I'm a pretty busy person. The last stream made people dizzy enough already. What if they think it's too annoying and stop watching my streams?
C: What's happening on the 29th?
LYN: If I remember correctly, it's some sort of nighttime gala. I might go and sing a song. If you hadn't reminded me, I would have forgotten. Then, I should start losing some weight in the next few days.
LYN: Ever since I left the ZY drama group I've let myself go a little. You might now know but when you're in a drama crew, you'll have about one meal a day. I can't say it's only one meal, rather one proper meal. During lunch you'll eat some rice and sides. All the other times, and especially at night, you don't dare to really eat. Because we're afraid of looking fat when we're on camera. But after we wrapped I headed out to a lot of cities- Shanghai, Hanzhou, Beijing- and I was eating the whole way. Right now I eat three meals a day, at the least. Some days I eat four. So I've been more... heavy.
LYN: You saw this week's episode of Hello Saturday (6/17), right? I took a look at it- oh my goodness. I was so ugly I could d*e. How could I be so ugly? I looked alright when I first got out of the crew, and it'd only been a few days since then. How could I look so ugly on the cameras?? I seemed like I was so bloated. I didn't even have a jawline anymore! I felt like my neck and chin were connected as one. Oh my goodness! What was that??
LYN: Also, my hair was more yellow. I hadn't bleached it to this color yet. But since it was a variety program, the color couldn't be too... vibrant. You'll rarely see a male artist with dyed hair on stage or on a show. You can have it dyed it daily life but for the most part, they don't allow it on shows. But I had to be on the program, so what could I do? It's not like I would dye my hair back just for a show, after all it took for my to bleach it in the first place. So my hair stylist sprayed some dark colorant in my hair, to make it look more neutral. But on the camera you can still tell it's quite messy yellow/orange. It wasn't a wig. It was a spray. But who knew we would be playing with water??
LYN: I'm sure all my fans have seen it already- we were playing with water on that episode. It just so happens, on the episode that I would be on, that we would be playing with water. They had sprayed the color into my hair. If they dumped water on my head it'd turn into black soup on my face. Just- ink, running down my face. What is that?! So I was thinking, maybe I should... not record this episode, and come back next time? But that didn't really work, either. So I went. They saw me in the afternoon, because we still need to do rehearsals, and they commented on my hair color. I told them it would be okay, because I would be spraying temporary coloring into it. They said, "But we're playing with water this afternoon, will it work?" I replied, "I don't know." But the friends who were on that episode were all really nice. They knew that the color was a spray so in order to help me avoid looking ugly they didn't really throw the water onto me. After we finished recording, I even told them "Thank you for looking out for me today." If they had poured the water on me there would just be dark water flowing down and no way we could continue recording. I'd have to go wash my face.
LYN: But anyway, I watched the episode and thought, "How could I look so ugly??" Oh my goodness... I felt like I was a fat-headed fish. Everyone else is looking handsome and pretty, but here I was looking like a carp. It's outrageous. So I'll have to start losing weight in preparation of the next time I'm on camera. People always tell me I'm ugly. I worry. >.< I just want to make it so that their words aren't as real. We could sometimes be handsome and sometimes be ugly- and in this way we can mix it up.
C: Did you do your own hair?
LYN: I didn't DO it. This is just what it looks like after I got ot of the shower. I don't have the time to style my hair. I need to stream for you, quick.
C: Man, are you questioning my taste (esthetics)?
LYN: No- it's just really like this. If you want to compare my visuals with someone else's there's really no competition. I am aware that I am not the "visual" you expect and that's not what I'm banking on anyway. I was a singer, wasn't I? For a singer, the visuals aren't as strict of a requirement. Of course, the more handsome the better. As a singer, if you're handsome and sing well, then your paths to success are slightly smoother than others. But it's not a sure thing. In any case, the more handsome the better. If you include acting, then people are going to start having something against you. There's no helping that. I can understand. As long as I make myself presentable, it's all good.
C: When you enter the drama crew will you dye your hair back?
LYN: Of course! If I join a crew I'll dye it back to black or a dark brown. Pure black makes it seem as if you're not lively. Some brown/yellow mixed in is okay too.
LYN: Oops. Someone heard something they can use against me.
C: I thought you were entering into a community sweeping crew? Why would you need to dye your hair back for that? Are the requirements for entering a community crew so big, that you need to due your hair back??
LYN: Uhm... it's like this. I need to dye it back because when we are cleaning there will be a lot of dust. The dust. If my hair were this color (currently: grey/silver) you wouldn’t be able to tell if it got into my hair. But if it were black and the dust got into it, then you could see it clearly. So I will dye it back so I remember to wash my hair promptly and do a better job at work.
LYN: Was that believable? Hm… my original lines aren’t bad! It’s very.. Round? [t/n: pun on “original” (原) and “round” (圆); both pronounced “yuán”.]
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C: I saw the ZY trailer and you looked cool!
LYN: Thank you, thank you. I’m happy because I saw a lot of people praising me. But I do have self-awareness and can see where I could have done better. Praising me is a form of support; though I did see the comments that were critical. I’d be afraid it were all praises- there’d really be a problem, then. There SHOULD be people against me. It’s all good. I saw a comment that someone posted and they said, “LYN’s voice is so nice.” :) They said my voice was very nice, and it was “perfect”. Right? And then, at this moment some others couldn’t take it anymore. “Who the heck is LYN? What are you all- have you never had fine dining? His voice? Let me tell you- his lines have absolutely no emotion behind them at all. He’s just banking on the fact that he’s a singer, and his voice is on the nice side. His lines have no emotion!”
LYN: Friends, let me tell you- this commentary is very high. The thing with art is- not saying that I am someone well-versed in art- but art, entertainment, like singing, dancing, acting. If you want to call into question the matter of “art” you just need to say the words “there’s no feeling” and you can’t go wrong. No matter how well someone sings, you just have to say, “There’s no emotion.” That’s another way to put it. Do you understand? You can think about it. That is- I’m over hear singing and I’m in so much suffering that I’m nearly crying, but they can say, “It’s no good. No feeling. I’m not impressed.” This applies to my voice as well, when they say that I say my lines without feeling. First, you have to hear what I’m saying. Let me think of what lines I have… “Do you really think you’re such an outstanding beauty, that you can make me waver?” I have to say this line with EMOTION, right? Let me try. /breathy & slow delivery/ Does that work?? There’s another line, “You want to use a marriage to erase fourteen years of hatred?” /but delivered… kinda cutely/ Does that work? Is it emotional? There’s another line, what is it? “Execute my command. Eliminate the Qiao family. Before this hatred is returned, I won’t marry.” Is it enough emotion? I feel like this person should be speaking on their knees, already.
LYN: “Climb on. I’ll carry you back.” // D: Does it have feeling?
C: The emotions are here.
LYN: But the lines said I shouldn’t use emotion! He has to be cold-hearted! You need to distinguish between individuals. It’s not like everyone can come on screen and speak with ~emotion~. You must not experience many emotions throughout your life (and thus can’t tell), but you want to hear emotion from MY DIALOGUE?? Aiya.
LYN: If there really was a character that spoke like that- /light, breathy/- it’s so cheesy!! Who would speak with emotion like that. It’s like something’s ready to happen!
[t/n: /eye emoji/ wdym ning-ge….]
LYN: Of course, it’s not like I care about this topic very much. I’m just using it as a point of conversation for my stream. You can listen to it for entertainment. My stream is just like this. I like to take some seemingly strange things and talk about them during my stream so that you can find it interesting. These are the basics to my stream. I’ll look at people’s comments and whether its complimentary or critical, I’ll take those comments and use them as my material for streaming. If I didn’t have all these people picking at me I’m guessing I wouldn’t have much to talk about. What would I come here to tell you? I’d just come to look cool? But then people have said that my visuals are no good, so there’s no way I can pull it off. So the name of the game here is “making fun of myself.”
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C: Ning-ge, do you have a script for your streams?
LYN: I have the hand-card. It’s all written on my hand. Let me take a look- The next topic is… okay. I got it.
C: Talk about the next crew.
LYN: /laughs/ Is this your first day being my fan? When have I ever been able to tell you the details about my next drama? They haven’t even announced it officially yet.
LYN: It used to be like this- I used to be a bit of a big mouth. This was when I first started off in this industry, I didn’t really understand how it all worked. When I had work before, I would be so anxious to tell you all about it! At that time I didn’t know enough of the world. As soon as I got a job I would be so happy and then come to tell you about it. And then two days later the job was poached. /stares into the camera/ Two days later I get a call from the program, “We’re sorry but we’ve encountered some difficulties. Let’s work together next time.” … So! I figured it out- before the contract is signed or completed and before they provide me with payment, I will never tell you. I don’t want to tell you, because if I do, the job is likely to turn pear-shaped. That’s the first thing. Secondly, whether it is a drama, a show, or whatever project, they all have their own timeline for announcements. You- the male lead or 2ML- can’t just come online and reveal the whole cast. You think I’m a tabloid blog? It doesn’t work. I can’t tell you.
C: Have you signed the contract?
LYN: … What’s it to you?!
LYN: Also, even if the contract is signed, there’s still a possibility of the job falling through. Forget about contracts- some drama reach the filming stage and then fall through. It’s not an impossibility. For a drama, only BEING BROADCASTED counts as having “ended”. If it doesn’t get to air, then even filming it is no use.
C: It’s fine as long as you get the money.
LYN: What kind of way of thinking is that? Honestly- If I were only interested in making money and that was the only thing that mattered. How much more money do you think I could make by promoting products? I shouldn’t say that. But I figure if I WERE I would probably be able to make a decent living. It’d be easy for me and I wouldn’t have so much stress, either. I’ll start selling you things- Just 9.9RMB, add it to your cart. ~ How much is market price? How much are we selling it? Only 9.9RMB! Add it to your cart~! ~ I could do that, too! I know how. I figure even with my talents I won’t fall too far behind.
LYN: But in the end it’s still about putting your passion into making a product. After having spent four months in a drama crew putting your all into the drama, you still want to make a something that people can see and label as a work.
- /continues singing a.. Idk.. online shopping song?/
C: What joke is this?
LYN: You must not have seen it. There are a lot of things in this world, that you have to experience before you know what it is.
C: Show it to me.
LYN: Yeah, yeah.
-/pours sparkling water into his cup/
LYN: ASMR.
C: Are you drinking “Snow-Green” (Sprite)? (xue-bi 雪碧)
LYN: I’m drinking “Thunder-Green” (Spriteϟ). (lei-bi 雷碧)
[t/n: bc the characters for “snow” and “thunder” look a lot alike.]
LYN: I’ve been lowering my sugar intake so, I’m not drinking Sprite. It’s sparking water.
- [t/n: they’re talking about drinks idk the English names of and can’t figure out, now XD. Skip.]
C: Physical. Physical.
LYN: You all keep asking me if I’ve done my physical. Are you TCM practitioners, by chance? Can you tell through seeing my pallor or some maybe facial twitches that maybe I’m ill?? Is that it? You can feel my pulse, somehow? You can diagnose my Wang, Wen, Wen, Qie (Inspection, Listening & Smelling, Interrogation, and Palpation) and all it takes is a look to determine that I am sick? So you want me to quickly go do my physical?? Please, let’s not be like this. Don’t scare me. I have work these days. I’ll pick a day when I have a bit of time and will get myself checked out. I’ll go draw blood and everything. It’s not a rush. Don’t worry.
LYN: Some of you have started again, saying that you want to come steal my urine. Are you SICK?? You pervert?! Stop messing around. I’ll go do my physical and you’ll come steal- /sigh/ You must be sick.
C: We’l come give you fan support.
LYN: I don’t need it. I think when I go I’ll be the only artist there. There’s no one else so you don’t need to come and save a spot or anything. You don’t need to. I don’t need that. No fan support, okay? Be obedient and stay at home. You can await my results.
C: The jokes today are so mysterious.
LYN: No, there are no jokes.
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C: You’re so pale you look like a ghost.
LYN: /laughs/ Is that a compliment? I saw that they had a “super fan” tacked on to the end of their username but they said I was so pale I look like a ghost. Is that some sort of praise? Don’t people usually describe it like, “You’re as white as a…” Um… what was it again? What’s the best way to compliment someone for being pale? “Cold White Skin (冷白皮)” is it? But what is “white as a ghost”?? But actually they phrased it gently enough, since they’re my fan. If they weren’t they would have phrased it like, “You look pale like you’ve been dead three days. Not even a three-day old corpse would look as white.”
LYN: So. That’s just how it is… First- why am I so pale? Let me tell you a secret to being pale. /puts on his product pusher voice/ This is a very good method that I am telling you for free and it’s also very effective. What is it? Let me tell you. First you need some BB Cream in shade no.1. Put some on your face. The next step is to put a very bright white light in front of you. You can see the reflection here in the glass. The third step is to turn your beauty filter’s brightening aspect up to 100%. As long as you do these three steps… even if you were coal, you’d be white.
bgm: Young Captain队长 & ODD Chen Sijian - 超感 (Super Sense)
C: Ning-ge, why don’t you have Zuo Bufan try it.
LYN: ZBF’s fine. Even though he may not look as handsome as some of the roles I’ve played before, but he is… a unique character. He’s from a drama of a different kind than my previous and current guzhuang dramas. His role requires this look/appearance. I think it’s great. Isn’t the expectation of dramas nowadays that the story takes precedence over the face? [That an actor’s appearance and performance is different from one drama to the next, so that each character is distinct.] I always see people commenting that an actor’s puts the drama over their face. Right? Rather, if an actor always looks about the same and acts the same in all their dramas, then you would not find them very impressive.
LYN: All the roles I’ve played so far- of course, there have been similarities- but in terms of appearance and stature there is always something different. I want to be able to continuously give the viewers something new. Let’s say two dramas happen to air at the same time and you’re watching both but feel like the characters in each drama (but played by the same actor) are the same person- that would be weird. So one look for one drama- I think that’s perfectly acceptable.
LYN: Even though I don’t think ZBF is very cool or handsome, his role was very meaningful to me.
C: ZBF’s really cool, though!
LYN: Wait until the drama airs before you say that. I wonder if you would break your molars trying to say those words after the drama airs. Just you wait.
----------
LYN: Yesterday I was chatting with my staff. Life has its ups and downs, right? When I first debuted I was down low- because I was internet famous- but slowly after I kept on singing, I started to rise. I’m talking about my reputation. I sang a lot and then people started to realize I was the one who sang Rang Jiu and they were saying, “Not bad!” But then it reaches a point where my reputation starts to go down again, due to some small nonsense issues. Then it started going up again because I was starting to shoot dramas and people liked my roles. It went up until it inexplicably drops again. My life is like this. But lately, because of the YNGS and ZY promos, people are starting to figure that I’m not so ugly in them. I’m okay- visually acceptable, even. Now my reputation is slowly on the rise again. There are just a few more people starting to support me, now. It’s not like before, when people would indiscriminately curse me out.
LYN: But we were chatting and I was thinking… will I go through another round of criticism when my next project comes out? I’m starting to worry. I’m already preparing myself for the downward slope. That’s why I want to say- preventatively- IF my next project gets released and people start to criticize me, don’t engage. Please don’t. Just say, “LYN is a rookie actor. We’re working hard to learn from each teacher. We’ll continue to make an effort. Thank you, to all.”
LYN: But I discovered a problem the other day. I was very angry after I saw it. Some trailers were released a few days ago and I saw you all liking it. But I noticed that there are some comments- from my own long-time fans, no less- saying that I still need to practice my lines. “I don’t think they’re quite… good enough. You still need practice, lao-da. There’s still a difference between him and professional voice actors. He still has a lot to learn. No good, no good.” I just want to say, friend- fam’?- you don’t need to use such tactics to incite me. Because I already get enough of that from everyone else. Even an idol’s own fans are saying he’s no good?!? You can choose NOT to compliment me, but you CAN’T say I’m not good enough! As if you know very well??? I don’t care what anyone else says about me, but I think that if it’s coming from my FANS that’s really strange. Other people can say what they want, but if my fans tell me I’m not good enough, then what’s the reason that I’m sticking around in this industry?? What am I doing, everyday? I feel like this industry has lost its meaning. I want to go back and be a cook. XD
LYN: So… there’s no need for that, ok? If you think I’m not good enough then just bear with it for a while. I will continue to work hard. If you look back on the past five years, you can tell that I am someone who knows what he should be doing. You can rest assured.
---------- /promo time/
LYN: Friends! There’s a drama recently that’s a very good watch. Now, what it is called? Destined (CFD). It’s really very good. So many people in my friends circle are sharing this drama. You have to check it out, because I also sang an OST for it. I choose to believe that the drama’s actor (BJT) was the one to recommend this job to me. I don’t care if it’s true or not, I’m going to attribute this to him and treat him to a meal or something. If you haven’t got a lot going on and want to watch a drama, you can watch Destined. Okay?
LYN: The song hasn’t been released yet!
LYN: Every time I accept an OST, I am grateful to the publishing, platform, and music company for acknowledging me and giving me this work to do. Truly grateful. Also I’m very serious about it (music). That’s the first thing. Secondly, I always thank the actors in the drama. Really. Singing an OST for them is my honor. If I happen to know the lead of the drama or if we’re friends, I will attribute this kindness to them.
LYN: A while ago I received a request for an OST, so I was looking at what drama it was, and I told that friend, “I’m going to be recording an OST for your drama. Don’t worry, Ning-ge will sing it well for you. I know this job came from you.” They replied, “It wasn’t me.” I told them, “I don’t care!” and sent them 200RMB. Whether they accept it or not is their problem. But as a human being, you have to have that etiquette. I sent them 200RMB and didn’t look back. Accepting or not is their problem. I still need to do through the process.
C: Why 200?
LYN: Because the limit for wechat red envelope gifts are 200, isn’t it? There’s a limit- I’ve already given them the highest amount I could.
C: Send more than one.
LYN: If I send more than one, does it increase the worth of my thanks or what? What do you take them for? Giving more is a sign of DISrespect, friends. At New Year’s you give each person one envelope. What would you be doing by handing them ten at a time?? One is enough. More than that and the whole meaning behind the transaction changes.
C:Just do a money transfer, then. You can send it all in one.
LYN: Em… It’s not like it doesn’t work- I think you can do a money transfer for up to 500RMB a day. But! The problem is… let me think of what I can make up… are a red envelope and a money transfer the same thing?? A red envelope encloses your well-wishes, but a money transfer looks like you want to send them spending money. How can they be considered the same thing?? This would be an insult to them. Right? In this case, how could a money transfer be appropriate? The red envelope holds my sincerity- also, it’s packaged with the hightest amount it can go. A money transfer makes it seem like you’re sending them spending money. Do you think they’re lacking that much, when they’re doing so much better than you to begin with?? It’s like you’re trying to show off your wealth or something. Thanks should be a sign of sincerity. A red envelope is auspicious, right? Every time I send one I can write “Congratulations and I wish you wealth!” I CAN write a note with money transfers, too but it’s not as festive. That’s why… I’ll keep sending red envelopes.
LYN: Friends, it’s like this- honestly- all the friends and actors I sing OSTs for are all doing well for themselves in their own right, right? So you tell me how much money is appropriate to send them. 200RMB per envelope isn’t little. Back in my hometown when friends get married the most they receive is 200RMB. Unless they’re those friends you’ve grown up with since you were little and would through life and death with- they might get 500RMB. For marriage and children, 200 is the max. This (recommending him for work) isn’t up to par with marriage and children. 200 is good enough. Let’s say I give them 300- it’s unwarranted. As for 500… our relationship isn’t that strong yet. It’s the thought that counts.
C: Life and death for 500RMB?
LYN: It was just an expression. It’s a standard price in Dandong, to give to those you grew up with. 200-500 isn’t a small amount. Also… on the topic of marriage, you have to remember something- let’s say you give someone 500RMB as congratulations for getting married. When you get married yourself they’re probably going to give 500 back. It’s like that. Do you understand? Let’s say you give someone 1M; when its time for you to get married they’re going to… run. XD It’s a mutual exchange. It doesn’t matter the amount. It’s all like this. You get married, and you write down what and how much your friends gave you. Let’s say they give you 500RMB. When they get married you’re probably going to give them 500RMB. It’s the same principle. Or are you going to give them 1000RMB? Then, good for you. That’s also okay. Normally you return however much you receive.
- /there are different customs for each region/
C: How did we get on this topic?
LYN: It’s because I said I give the people who recommend jobs to me 200MB. :| But of course, just listen to the contents of my stream for fun only. You don’t have to believe it.
----------
- /comment that his clothes looks like a green zongzi; lyn: that’s what I was going for!/
- /comment that they want to see him in a variety show; he’s currently in talks for them. He had a goal of doing 1-2 variety shows a year but now he has less time because he is started to receive main lead roles in dramas, as opposed to the supporting roles he had before. It all depends on the timing./
LYN: I’m guessing- making a prediction- that one of my dramas will air in July. But as for which one, it’s unclear. There should be one at end of July, but I’m not sure which. // I honestly don’t know, but even if I did I wouldn’t be able to say. But al the dramas I was working on before are all completed- the ost and voice acting is completed, on my part. I always sing an OST for my dramas- so all the ones for my previous dramas have been recorded. Now I am only missing the one for ZY and YNGS. As far as I know post-production is pretty much done and they’re just waiting to be aired. So July- but I don’t know which drama.
LYN: Voice for TXJ and ALZ are done. BYOL used original sound but I did go in to the studio to supplement a few lines. These three, and ZC… so these four total are all awaiting broadcast.
C: Only a few lines? Awesome.
LYN: That doesn’t mean I say the lines well. It was only supplement for a few lines because, as I told you before, for BYOL I could use the same tone I use when I’m streaming to act. I didn’t need to speak Standard. I asked the director how they want me to act the character, and they told me just to be how I am when I’m streaming. I said, “But I speak with my Dongbei dialect during my streams” to which they replied, “That’s okay.” Okay then! I talk like this normally, so this is how I’ll be speaking in that drama, too. If I supplement, it’ll be for a word I spoke incorrectly or in order to edit some interactions. When you hear me later, you won’t be hearing Standard.
C: It was created based on you.
LYN: No. The scriptwriter had finished writing the role first, and later they found out that there existed someone in this industry that fit it to a T. Su Xiaoyuan-laoshi wrote the script first; she didn’t know who I was. After she finished writing it, she never could have imagined that in this world exists an actor that fits the role so well. As soon as she got to know me she was astonished. What character was it? A cook…. who streams. :D Right now I have say I have four professions: 1. Cook. I have certifications. 2. Streamer. If I say I am quite a pro at it, would you say otherwise? You can say I don’t sing well and I can’t act, but you can’t deny I am a cook- I’m certified!- who streams- you’re watching one right now. My two strongest attributes are really suited to playing this character. It all fits.
- /comment of doubt/
LYN: What do you mean?!? I learned how to cook through proper channels!
LYN: The other day I saw a video where someone took cuts of all my lines- to see how I’ve changed over the last five years. Someone in the comments replied, “I know LYN spent 4000RMB to find someone to teach him.” /laughs/ There was someone tacking on to that, too. “No- he paid the teacher but ended up being tricked, so he didn’t end up learning anything. They just gave him a bunch of tongue twisters.” I saw something like that- I spent 4000RMB to learn how to say my lines.
LYN: These two people definitely watch my streams. But one understands them and one doesn’t. I thought that was pretty funny.
LYN: I told you last time. Before I was an artist, when I was just streaming all the time- this was 5-6 years ago now- I used to enjoy listening to the voice actors of guzhuang dramas. I liked hearing them speak, and thought they were so cool. There was something they used to do- like give a picture, let’s say it’s of a manhua- and the actors woud narrate the story. You feel like you’re reading the manhua, but people are voice acting for it. I don’t know what it’s called- but there used to be something like that. I heard this one guy’s voice and always thought he sounded so good. Very with emotion.
C: Audiobook?
LYN: Not the same- audiobook is only sound. This also had pictures. It would give you a picture and then tell you what’s going on in it. With sound effects and everything! I really wanted to learn from that voice actor, so I tried contacting him to make him my master. I told you about this story before- I asked if he was taking disciples. He ignored me; he didn’t reply. I contacted him for two consecutive days and he didn’t respond. I would send him private messages, “Are you taking disciples? I want you to be my master. Please teach me. I’m begging you, shifu. I can even beg on my knees, as long as you’re willing to teach me. I really do want to learn. I really like voice acting and want to learn.” He ignored me. In the end I couldn’t take it anymore and I added, “I can pay you for classes.” He immediately replied, “Okay. Wait for me a minute. Wait until I stop streaming.” I was thrilled, because I finally had the chance to learn. I had wanted to do it for fun. At the time I wasn’t thinking that I would want to become an actor. I just liked it. So after he stopped streaming I asked him how much it would cost for a month’s worth of teaching. He told me to name a price. I told him I was afraid he wouldn’t accept, but that I really did want to learn from him. If he could just tell me how much it would cost, then we could settle and proceed. I told him I really liked his sound.
LYN: If it were up to me I would have said 200RMB/month- because that’s the limit for red envelopes, right? But I was afraid he wouldn’t accept this and block me because I was trying to set him up or something. But he told me, “How about 6000RMB a month?” I replied, “I’m sorry- I’m a student. I don’t have that much money. I’m a junior high school student.” Five or six year ago- I was in junior high, right? But I told him I was a student and didn’t have much money, and would 4000RMB/month be okay? He accepted. The deal was done. He asked me if I had a microphone at home- at that time I was already streaming. so I told him I did and it was very professional. So we started chatting, and he asked me, “You’re a junior high student? You don’t sound like one…” Friends- you all know- five or six years ago my voice was really husky. Do you remember? It was before I had surgery. My voice was really husky. But he said, “You don’t sound… like a junior high student.” But he was afraid I wouldn’t want to learn from him, so he also tried to cheer me up. “You can give up on trying for the “youthful teenager” tone but you can learn the “young uncle” tone. Fitting for those in their 30-40s. Or even around 45.”
C: Did you pay tuition first?
LYN: Yeah. I paid first. Do you not pay first, for school??
LYN: He said he would prepare a bunch of teaching materials for me, and I just had to follow materials and practice. “I’ll give you a class every day. As long as I have time, I’ll teach you for 40 minutes. I’ll listen to you recite the materials and if you say anything wrong I’ll correct you.” So he sent me a whole bunch of tongue-twisters. /recites/ He had me practice. Another thing was tones of voice. I was practicing at home all the time. It got to the point where I thought it wasn’t really effective. It was like this- I don’t know if any of you have ever learned how to play the guitar? If you have- you’ll know that they have you playing chords first. After a couple days of that, you’ll want to start learning songs, right? So I asked the teacher if I could just jump right into it; could I voice act for a few scenes? I wanted him to find me dialogue to practice with, so I could get the feel for it. He found a bunch of lines for me and I sat there reciting them. I took the classes for about a week- 40 minutes per day, and two of those days we didn’t have class. Later when I wanted to have class with him again, he always said he was busy. It got to the point where I never picked it back up, and I didn’t ask him to refund my money.
C: A waste of 4000RMB.
LYN: I don’t think it was. At the time, of course you would think it’s a waste. But thinking back on it, it exposed me to the job early on. Now that I’ve debuted and in the recent years while filming and saying my lines, I’ll think back on things I learned back then. It was an enlightenment. At the very least he taught me a bunch of tongue-twisters. Who would even think to learn that many?? If it were any normal person, you’d think there’s a problem. So it was an enlightenment.
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- /someone asking abt ALZ; he doesn’t knowww/
LYN: It’s okay, we can be more lenient. There are some friends who come to my stream to take part in the fun and boost my popularity. At the very least, they add one more comment to my weibo. It’s alright. At least they’re willing to join in. As long as they’re not saying anything too much, it’s fine. If it’s crossing the line then we can moderate. It’s alright. We can all learn to be more lenient.
LYN: There’s something I really wanted to talk about with the fans. There’s something… /thinks/ I am not the type of person who likes to add insult to injury/hit someone while they’re down. I don’t like it because for most of the time I have been on the receiving end. When bad things happen to me or when I am at a low, there are always going to be people who want to hit me when I’m down. At those times I feel helpless. I start to wonder, “Why can’t these people be a little kinder?” I’ll think, yes, there are ways I could have handled the situation better, but there are still going to be people who want to drag you through it. In this situation, there’s also no way to resist. It’s true that you were lacking, in some way. I’ve endured a lot of this type of thing. But I always tell myself that when others are in the same position, I would never stoop low enough to be the person who hits them when they’re down. I will never. Rather, I would probably help them. I am that type of person. I’ve been subject to the rain, so I would gladly lend my umbrella to keep someone else out of it. Even if I don’t have the ability to block the rain, I hope at the very least that I am not going to be the person who throws water in someone’s face. I hope my fans can also be like this, okay? I hope you can be like this in life and at work. Don’t be the person who hits others when they’re down. We are self-sufficient and we can survive on our own. You can play with me and I will come to stream and chat with you. This is our own little paradise, as long as we don’t hit others while they’re down. Okay.
C: Buddha Liu, I’ll listen to you.
LYN: I’m no Buddha. It’s just that there are some things where you reap what you sow. There’s such a thing as the butterfly effect in this world. In any case, let’s try our best not to make ripples.
LYN: There are times I also fall into the well. I will always remember the people who help me out of it. There are people who hit me when I ‘m down, and I believe I won’t hold a grudge. But I will be aware. I’m very clear minded. I won’t hold a grudge, but I will remember. As for the people who helped me, they could ask me for anything. I am really grateful. I believe that anyone can gild the lily (锦上添花), but not everyone can provide help in one’s hour of need (雪中送炭).
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C: The NCEE results are the day after tomorrow, someone save me!
LYN: Um… were you here to make a wish when I first started my stream? I specialize in after-sales here. If you were here at the time I last streamed and there were a bunch of people telling me that they were taking the NCEE, and to help them. If you were here at that time, I probably… can’t afford to bear the responsibility of your result. My well-wishes won’t be of much use. But in my heart, I do wish you have good results. I wish your future is bright.
- /asks whoever is watching his stream for the first time to please subscribe to his weibo./
LYN: I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Lately I’ve been working on being a singer and actor, as well as cook and streamer. I have four jobs, though I’ve given up on being a cook for the time being. Streaming, acting, and singing are still going strong. I’m just a… three-legged toad.
C: I’m a new fan, who fell into the pit because of your visuals.
LYN: I advise you to be more aware when using your eyes. Like when you’re playing on your phone, you should do so in a brightly lit room. Don’t play with your phone in a dark room- it will affect your eyesight. When you’re reading a book, too. Make sure that you have proper posture. Let’s be careful. Alright? Thank you to this friend, who starting liking me because of my visuals.
C: It’s not that bad right, Lao-da?
LYN: Of course not. I was just making a joke. I’m wearing bb cream today! If I weren’t and you say that I was disrespecting you, that would be fine. But I do have a base on, so I am visually passable, at least. There are so many people in my stream right now. I’m sure that if I weren’t at least passable, they wouldn’t have stuck around. What else do you want?? I look like a normal person.
LYN: Aren’t I very confident, friends? I’m both “basic” and “confident”. This is the legendary pu-xin-nan- the “most trustworthy man in all the world.” (普天之下最适合信任的男人)
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C: We’re graduating. Please wish us a happy graduation!
LYN: Am I some sort of… Wish Hotline? I used to listen to the radio and there were people calling in all the time, “Hello. I am [OO]’s school’s [OOO]. I want to request a song for the kids in my class. I hope that we can get good grades and when we graduate, we can all get into a good college. Thank you.” Am I a wishing well? Even if I were- even if I were that tortoise in the pond- /pause/ Oh, but my clothes really do look like it. What the heck?! I suddenly feel like I don’t want to wear this green anymore. I want to take it off.
LYN: Even if I were the tortoise in the wishing well, you still have to throw some money in the pond before you can make your wish. I’m not trying to spread superstition, but you still have to throw money into the pond first! How can you expect me to fulfill your wish if you don’t give me anything in return? It doesn’t work.
C: Tortoise?
LYN: Yeah, isn’t there always a turtle in the pond, with it’s mouth open? To see who can get a coin in its mouth. Have you never seen one? How about this- let me pull up my QR and you all can transfer money at your will. Next time we will use this method for all wish requests. You can send me 1RMB when I pull up my code.
C: Alright, let’s do it.
LYN: Are you insulting me? I say 1RMB, and you want to pay. How about I make it 10RMB? You can skip a bunch of people in the queue. /chuckles/
LYN: I’m just joking, friends. Please don’t think that that was a serious request. Do you think I’m tired of living??
---------- break #1 (the neighbors are fighting)
LYN: I’m back. The neighbors were just about to throw fists but I stopped them. They thought I was nice, to be able to go over and mediate, so they kept me for two mouthfuls of food. They were fighting over dinner, because one of the dishes was too spicy. Such is life- it’s normal to fight over small things. They thought I was nice, so they gave me a bowl and chopsticks and I had a bite. Then I came back.
LYN: Oh, wait. Didn’t I go just to use the restroom? How did it turn into eating…?
C: I can recite the video now.
LYN: If that’s the case, then it’s been a long time since I’ve seen this friend make new videos. Did they stop being my fan? // It’s okay- later I’ll download a few more and change it up. The break videos need to be “fresh”.
LYN: You see? Do you see how serious it is when these fans who make videos for me stop being my fan? It means that I start lacking content for my stream. That’s the first problem. Secondly, I recall that I told them I would send them an autograph, but split it into four parts and distribute over four years. At the time, I was too soft-hearted and didn’t implement this method. I mailed them a complete autograph and now look where we are. I should have implemented that method. Split my autograph into four parts so that it would take them four years to complete one. I’m done for.
LYN: I’ve seen a bunch of new friends lately, and they’ve drawn lots of things for me. I really like it when you draw manhuas and some of them even make them into animations and give voices and everything. // But I haven’t been able to look through the posts lately, but also maybe you’re just not posting…
C: Ning-ge, that’s on you. It’s because you haven’t been streaming lately so we have no material to work with.
LYN: You’re right.
LYN: The other time I mentioned the friends that make videos for me, and how professional they are. Later I was scrolling and came across them again and they were saying how the person I mentioned was probably them. They didn’t care if it were anyone else, they were convinced it was them. It’s you, it’s you. There are really a lot of you who make videos for me, but the reason why I never say the creator’s name is just because there are so many. I can’t credit EVERYONE- I like to play fair. If I mention one person’s name but leave out someone else, they’re going to be unhappy and stop being my fan. “Ning-ge, I made so many videos for you but you didn’t say my name but did say someone else’s. Fine. I won’t make videos for you anymore. Bye.”
LYN: I’m afraid of something like that happening. So in order to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings I just don’t mention anyone at all. But I watch them all. Think about my net speed. My idol is LYN. In this big data world everything is going to recommend me articles related to LYN. Even if I weren’t interested, they would still recommend posts to me. Of course, there’s no way I wouldn’t be interested. I am TOO interested in myself. I always like those posts, too.
C: What about consecutively responding to the same person?
LYN: It really is random. I can’t really see each of the usernames, anyway. Also, you all can tell that it’s perfunctory anyway. Sometimes I see when you post in the Super Topic, you’re being perfunctory, too. There’s no helping it- it’s just how it works. We can be perfunctory with each other but still gain happiness from it, and that’s enough. We don’t need everything to have meaning. There’s no need. Let’s leave the meaningful stuff for the stream.
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C: Ning-ge, you’re trending.
LYN: I don’t believe it. How could I be, I don’t have the right. I’m not worthy.
C: Entertainment #46.
LYN: That’s good. It’s just that when I start trending, people will know that I am streaming and maybe come in to check it out. You can think about it this way- if one of my streams can gain me 50 fans, if I stream ten times, how many fans would that get me? 5000! [??] Of these 5000 people, maybe about 500 of them could buy my concert tickets. Isn’t that great? That’s development.
C: 50,000.
LYN: Right. 50 new fans for 10 streams each. That’s 50,000 fans.
LYN: See? This is why I didn’t make it to college. XD
LYN: Some of you are really calculating for me, They’re telling me, “Ning-ge, 50 x 10 = 500.” Ehm… you can rest assured. When it comes to payments I will definitely calculate it correctly. That’s enough. It doesn’t matter if I say some nonsense the rest of the time.
LYN: I used to have this problem- which is that every time I find out I’m trending I want to sing a song. I want the people who come in to my stream because of the trending topic to be welcomed in to the sound of song. But something happened to me before, which is that as soon as I started singing, my ranking in the trending topics dropped. I don’t know why it happened- did that trending topic expect me to promote something that I didn’t deliver? No. But now I’m afraid to sing. So…
C: You’re at #50.
LYN: Okay. I hope it doesn’t drop off the list, is all.
LYN: When I first started streaming a lot of friends came in to ask if I was streaming because I needed to dispel some rumors. Dispel what rumors? Is there some project recently that mentioned me, I want to know. Was there any project that stated I was a part of it, lately? No, right? At least I didn’t see it.
LYN: I’ve said this before- there’s something about fans… as soon as a project mentions their idol they will all go to leave a comment, saying stop trying to profit from their popularity. It’s not true if it isn’t officially announced. But I look on it kindly. If a project mentioned me it means that at the least I have some credibility behind my name.
-
C: (Trending at) Main tab at #16
LYN: Really, I don’t believe it. Wasn’t I just in the Entertainment tab at #39?
C: Main #17.
LYN: Really? Don’t trick me.
C: #16.
LYN: Let me take a look. /// I see it at #20. Not bad, not bad. Thank you. I really want to thank you, because for an artist at my level I am not very popular. I am very satisfied having a trending topic on main. I thank all of you good friends. It’s because you are here keeping my company and watching my stream that I am able to have this topic. Thank you. Now I… thank you.
LYN: If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. You can subscribe. It’s not shameful. Thank you.
-
LYN: But back to what we were saying- I think it’s nice that people can think to mention me. But- /cuts himself off/
C: You have a great mindset.
LYN: Yeah. I think in work and in life it’s important to have a good state of mind. I used to be a person who would go through extremes, but after these few years of tempering I’ve developed a better way of thinking. I’m more mature. Since I am older, after all.
C: How did you change?
LYN: How do people change? Through experience. If you don’t experience anything and just smoothly sail through life and don’t encounter problems, if you live in your little bubble- you won’t change. You need to experience things in order to change. I’ve experienced a lot. But I’m thankful for them because they allowed me to become stronger. I think I am a better person than before.
C: NIng-ge, you sound like my dad.
LYN: You don’t need to be so polite. Perhaps your parents will try to tell you reason, but maybe not everything they say is correct. Still, they want to share and whether or not you accept their advice is up to you.
----------
C: Are you the ML in Yue Ming Qian Li (In the Moonlight)?
LYN: /laughs/ YMQL is…?? Um… Isn’t it Ming Yue Qian Li? Or is it Yue Ming Qian Li? [t/n: it’s both] I don’t know about it. It is Linmon’s production? Oh- if you put it that way, then I DO know about it. Linmon’s projects are definitely going to be very good- why? Because I’ve worked with them before. YNGS is Linmon’s. I’ve also sung a few songs for Linmon productions. Like that one with Wu Lei and Zhou Yutong (Nothing but You). YMQL is also Linmon’s? In that case it won’t be bad!
LYN: Is the ML in that drama a monk? What is that one? In any case, I haven’t heard any news from Linmon about it. I’m guessing that after YNGS, Linmon wasn’t very satisfied with me. (X’D) They weren’t satisfied with me, so they haven’t come to contact me. I haven’t received the script for it.
-/gets sidetracked by types of zongzi for a little bit/
C: Is the second pairing true?
LYN: With who?? HZT? QJJ? GJ? Who am I going to be working again with?
LYN: I might work again with Zhao- with HZT. He’s always telling me his company has a project they’re looking to hire me for. I’ve been waiting for three years. He keeps telling me they want to hire me for something but I’ve waited three years and heard nothing. I don’t know why that is.
C: Do you have any projects with the Big Support Bro (ZSX)?
LYN: We probably have a chance to work together again.
-
LYN: This song- why is it that the more I listen to it the more down I feel?
- /switches the song/
-
LYN: If I work together with ZSX again, it will be for the third time.
-
C: What does “down” mean?
LYN: That you are in low sprits. Up and Down. Up is happy. Down is less. Not to say that it means I am unhappy, but your spirits aren’t as high.
LYN: “What does “down” mean?” See- you can even learn English in my stream. I know my English isn’t that great but you’ve learned a new vocabulary today: “down”. There’s a related word, and that’s “emo”.
C: What about Chu Shen (God of Cooking)?
LYN: I actually do know about that project. /doesn’t elaborate/
LYN: Someone mentioned Shi Jin (什锦) earlier, I really don’t know about it.
LYN: Even though I am someone who is on the path to becoming an actor I know that to an actor, it’s “one minute on screen and sixty seconds off.” You can think about it.
----------
C: Can you change the bgm?
LYN: You came to request songs? Yes, I can change it. I just want to create the right mood for the stream. This song is more upbeat, so I hoped that it would brighten your mood. /switches the bgm to Ling Yun Ji & sings along/
-- 凌云寂 (Ling Yun Ji)
C: You’re on the main tab at #16. // Trending at #12.
LYN: Then I should stop singing, because I don’t want it to drop. I should collect myself, right?
C: I want to hear it.
LYN: Then I should sing one properly. /starts playing Rang Jiu/ Not this one.
C: Praying.
LYN: But I think I have to sing that at another upcoming event. Shh. I can’t sing it too often.
C: You Say Love.
LYN: Okay. Let’s do it.
- /starts playing the track, misses the timing to start singing/
LYN: I was nervous. Excuse me. I’m nervous because I’m trending. Let’s try that again. Let me add some special effects- so that you can think it’s cooler.
-- 你說愛情啊 (You Say Love)
LYN: I don’t even need to guess to know- my trending topic dropped.
C: Ning-ge, let’s hear a ballad.
LYN: I actually quite like ballads. I heard one from Zhao Lei the other day. This song is called…
-- 我记得 (I Remember)
LYN: It’s so low?? This song has me dumbfounded. Why? Because the high notes are too high and the low notes are too low. This person is extraordinary!
C: Lower it an octave.
LYN: No- X’D. The other day I couldn’t hit the high notes. Today I can’t hit the low. Oh my goodness. And I call myself a singer?? This is it. I’m BBQ-d. Let me try again. I’ll cotnrol myself. /deep breath in, loonnggg breath out/ /low voice/ Okay. I’m ready. I’m sure it won’t be a problem now.
-- 我记得 (I Remember) (Take 2)
LYN; This song is very nice, but I can’t sing it well. Honestly I can’t get that low. But it is a very nice song that I want to share with you.
----------
C: Ning-ge turned the brightening feature on.
LYN: I’m finding that a lot of you tonight are questioning how white I am, asking if I have turned on the beauty whitening feature. Is that even something you need to ask?? Of course it’s on! You don’t need to doubt.
LYN: Be more confident! If you come into my stream and think that I look a little handsome, you don’t need to ask whether I’ve turned on beauty filters or not. I have. Blur, beauty, and brightening are all on.
C: Ning-ge, you’re a big customer of the beauty filter.
LYN: Do you think you’re very funny? I’m sure that even without it I look better than you do. LOL. I’m comparing my looks to that of a fan’s.
C: Ning-ge, is there a staff member behind you?
LYN: Don’t try to scare me. There are always people who ask me how many people there are in the streaming room with me, to control the laugh track, music, and special effects. Friends, it’s just me. I have a habit, which is that when I’m streaming there can’t be anyone else in the room with me. Otherwise I won’t be able to let loose. Sometimes I go crazy and if there’s someone else in the room with me, my attention will be split. But as long as I stream, there’s no one else in the room with me.
LYN: I can have my dog, though. She’s very quiet, so she can stay with me.
C: I want to see Daimi.
LYN: She’s celebrating her birthday- no, she’s sleeping. I saw someone say that it was their birthday at the same time I was trying to say that Daimi was sleeping. Sorry about that. Happy birthday! To everyone who is celebrating a birthday today, Happy Birthday. I hope your year goes smoothly and you’re happy every day.
C: There used to be people, though.
LYN: You’re talking about Da Fei and Ah Zhuo! They exist but they don’t really talk much. That’s the first thing- second, I’m already used to them. But my staff- won’t be here with me.
C: When is ZY airing?
LYN: It just finished being filmed. I don’t think it will be coming this year. Maybe next year. Many of you here probably aren’t my fan- you might be fans of other artists or singers. Let’s say an actor finished filming for a drama. If it’s a guzhuang drama, it will take about a year for post-production. No less than 7-8 months. It will air more or less in a year. Could be less, could be more. ZY wrapped in May. It’s only been a month since then.
C: I’m looking forward to it!
LYN: Don’t have too high expectations. If you expect too much, you won’t be as surprised by it. Even if a drama were actually a nice watch, if you expect too much then it won’t live up to your imagination. You’ll think it’s just okay. A lot of things are like this. Why do you think so many people are saying that actually LYN can act pretty well? It’s because they had low expectations for me to begin with. They consider me a singer, so don’t expect my acting to be very good.
---------- /gaming/
LYN: Lately I’ve come across a video- there are some that praise me. There was one that was saying, “Actually, LYN sings very nicely” and they were praising my line work, but I know that my lines need work. I’m saying it here first- I know I need work. But there are some people who think I’m doing a good job. I saw a comment that read, “Of course LYN’s lines are good. He’s a singer. It’s normal for a singer to be able to say their lines well.” ?_? What sort of logic is that?? After I saw that I was so confused- because it wasn’t just the one person, so many people were saying the same thing. It’s normal for a singer to be able to say lines well???
LYN: I know I’m not good. But they were just using this expression. Up to this day I still don’t understand what they mean by it. Like.. WHY would a singer be able to say lines well??? From a scientific perspective, maybe it’s because a singer would know how to control their voice. As a singer, they would understand their tone and how to execute sound- is that it? I think.. If we’re looking at it from that perspective, it works. It can be explained well. “As a professional singer, they’ve learned and know how to produce sounds. They know from where the sound comes and how to adjust. So singers have an inborn talent for saying lines.” This is how they explained it. This might work for other people but I never LEARNED how to sing. People all say that I am just an “internet famous” singer- I never learned. I learned how to be a cook. But the problem is- I’m saying this as an actor myself- shouldn’t it be normal that an actor can say their lines well? I don’t get why it would make sense that a singer should say lines well- this logic doesn’t track. Of course, /I/ can’t say my lines well- I’ve said this three times already.
LYN: You can’t use the word “should be able to” to deny other people’s hard work. How can that work? Do you know how much they sacrificed, silently? When others were playing Honor of Kings, what was I doing? /fake cries/ I was playing League of Legends! Do you think I could be the same as everyone else? I worked harder than them- when they were playing HoK, I was playing LoL AND [OO] [t/n: idk games]. I was doing two things at the same time- I worked harder than them. This is why you shouldn’t use the word “should be able to” to deny the efforts of others, okay? Thanks.
- /comments saying how amazing he is./
LYN: What’s amazing about that? You just play for a couple hours on one account and then switch to another. You can do it, too. You can even play three games at the same time. If you did that then you’re even more hard-working than I am. I’m sure you can surpass me. Jiayou.
C: I need a computer and two phones.
LYN: What are you telling me for? Go buy them yourself. Go online. Choose your accessories- what type of phone you want and what type of computer. Don’t tell me; it has nothing to do with me. Once you mention that you need something in my stream, I always suspect that you are asking me to buy it for you. You want me to raffle it off.
C: You want me to play more games.
LYN: No. I want you to read more books. Our efforts are focused in different directions. Friends, honestly, you don’t need to play Honor of Kings well as an artist in order to be superior. As long as you put your heart into doing one thing, you will always find a path. There used to be game-playing variety shows that looked for me and asked me how well I played. I told them I was sorry, that I didn’t play very well. At those times, I had missed my opportunity to be on a show. There were really so many events and game platforms that had inquired about how well I played. My studio relayed the message and asked me, and I replied, “What is that? Is it like Minesweeper?”
C: Ask Keyu-didi to teach you.
LYN: I’m sure he can play very well. These young kids are all very quick to pick things up. When I was in the drama crew there were always actors playing HoK in their free time. It was after we wrapped for the day and they wanted to get together to play a round. I didn’t know how to play. But if I didn’t join in, maybe they would seem like I was not interested in getting along with them. I didn’t want them to think I thought I was better than them and didn’t want to associate. It was okay at first but later I found out that more and more people were into playing it! Honestly, I’ve played it before. When it was first released, I played it for a short while but then I started working; I got popular. I couldn’t afford to let myself play games. But one day I couldn’t take it anymore. SInce everyone else was playing it, I thought I would also start. So I downloaded the game/ Friends- I do things differently from normal people. There’s always a process. Once I decide on doing something, I have to do it the best. The first thing I did was go to Baidu… and look-up: “What type of Hero should a newbie playing HoK choose?” There were so many suggestions. I piicked a Hero. Okay. Next, “What should a newbie playing HoK do?” I spent about two hours that day looking at all the suggestions and tips. By the time I was done I was sleepy. I went to sleep. The next day all of a sudden, I didn’t feel like playing anymore. So in the end, I never got to playing.
C: You looked up all that stuff for nothing.
LYN: Not necessarily. Friends, never think that anything you do is for nothing. One day it will become useful. At the very least through this study, I learned how many heroes there are in HoK. If someone comes to ask me about it and if I play, at least I have something I can say in return. I can manage to hold some conversation.
LYN: See- Didn’t it become useful, in the end? Even if you don’t know very much, you can pretend that you understand it. They will think you actually play, but it becomes a common topic of conversation and you can more easily become friends.
C: Do you play Genshin Impact?
LYN: I do! I have to know a little about a lot of things. I’ve tried Genshin Impact. I had a good buddy and I asked him what he was up to and he told me he started playing GI. This was many years ago. I said, “What is... Genshin Impact?” He told me to play it so I went to download it. I’m the type of person who starts putting their money into the game- it started asking for money so I can choose a character. There were some for 20RMB that looked so cool. So I picked two cards and ended up getting two really good characters. After that I… stopped playing. Because there was no auto-play. I hate that I had control even the walking and climbing on my own. I play games to release stress, but this game GAVE me stress. I had to walk on my own?? I couldn’t stand it. I spent money on the game, but felt like I was the one putting the work into it.
- /more talk about games/
- /can’t take the too intense ones, because his heart can’t take it/
- /can’t take the games where there is no VIP status- the ones with freebies once you reach a certain level/
C: He got excited talking about games!
LYN: A lot of you aren’t interested, is that it?
- /a bit more about games- basically people asking if he’s played [OO] game or not. He says yes or no and a little about what ended up happening with the game./
- /can’t take strategy games and ended up losing bc he doesn’t want to work his brain/
- /downloaded some but haven’t played because the intro is too long and he doesn’t have a lot of time to wait around for gameplay to actually start/
LYN: In a few days I’m planning to play a new game with HZT. But I won’t tell you the name of it, or it’ll seem like I’m trying to promote it. He called me the other day and told me the game was going to go live, and if we should play. I told him I’ve played games with him for three years but he’s never reimbursed me once. I said, “How about I put 500RMB into the game, and you reimburse me 500RMB?” At the time I told him I would play with him. I would put 1000RMB into the game, and he would only need to reimburse me 500RMB- because the other 500RMB is mine. I would be happy with that arrangement, and is that okay with him? He said, no and that we had to play during the initial release or it wouldn’t be any fun. I made plans with him for the end of the month
LYN: I played a game with him before- he wanted me to play with him. He told me we had to fight with another team, so we did. We put so much money into that game I was dizzy. Later when I saw the bill my wallet hurt. But then he turned around and became the spokesperson for that game! He got the money back. Do you think that was something a human would do?? We were playing together- we both put money into it. I think he spent three times more than I did, though. And then later he becomes the spokesperson for the game and pretty much makes that money back. Was it wrong for me to ask him to reimburse me? I don’t think so! You tricked me into playing a game with you and later made the money back by becoming the game’s spokesperson, but I am still left with nothing. If you made some money and then shared even one-third of your earnings with me, that would be fair wouldn’t it? XDD
C: This just means you didn’t spend enough.
LYN: It’s not about how much money I put into it…
LYN: The more I think about it the angrier I get. /joking/
LYN: Alright, let’s end the talk of gaming here. I am someone of the age of the internet. People who have been with me for a long time know that I used to dabble as a gaming streamer. But… I probably can’t do that now. I don’t have the rights. The other platform used to have some collaboration so it wasn’t a problem but copyright might be an issue now. But Minesweeper shouldn’t be a problem.
LYN: I always play Spider Solitaire, do you want me to play for you? Let me see if I can do it. Does this computer have it? Or Minesweeper? // It’s not here. Does this system not have it? How could it not have such an amazing game?
C: Don’t be too excessive.
LYN: My stream is always excessive. If it’s not, then I don’t do it.
C: There’s a web version.
LYN: If it’s not on the system, then let me look it up online. Okay. It wants me to download- can I not play if I don’t download it first? …Let’s forget about it. These websites look shady.
LYN: Alright. Talk of gaming ends here. But it seems like a lot of you enjoy playing games as well. It’s great to have a common topic.
LYN: That’s why, friends, you have to work hard in life. When other people are playing HoK, as a singer or an actor you have to start playing LoL and etc. >.>
- /continues to talk about games. :p he doesn’t like playing vs games because it requires a lot of time to practice/train your heroes in order to win. he doesn’t have the time to grind, and thus always loses. no one feels great about losing./
C: Ning-ge, I’ll take you with me.
LYN: Meaning you are a skilled player, right? I don’t like playing with people who play the game well. Because then I will feel worthless. If all I had to do was follow you around and you were over there telling me, “Follow me, follow me. Hide! I’ll fight them for you. Don’t come out. I’ll save you, I’ll save you.” I’ll feel useless. No. I need to face it on my own.
---------- break #2
LYN: That reminds me. I have a trailer for BCF. Some other day I should download the trailers for YNGS and ZY. I could play them during breaks in my stream. Later when the platforms find me, I have another method of promotion. Not only do you have after-sales services for OSTs but there are now after-sales services for dramas. Next time I will download all the trailers- including TXJ. I’ll play them during my stream. As long as it plays through once, I will contact the marketing team and ask them for 200RMB. I’m sure that price isn’t too much, for the platforms I’ve worked with. Right? Right now I can contact three different teams. In one day I might be able to make 600RMB.
LYN: This is coffee! Not beer. /shows the can/ This isn’t an advertisement! I was just telling you that this is coffee. I needed to dispel the rumors in advance. When I poured it into my cup I realized it might be a strange color.
C: Drinking herbal medicine?
LYN: LOL. I’m drinking dark soy sauce.
----------
LYN: Because I’ve started playing with the beads, I’ve started to wash my hands more often. When you count the beads you have to have clean hands. So when I feel like my hands are dirty I go to wash them.
C: Can we see them?
LYN: What’s there to see?? You’re making it out to seem as if I am trying to sell you products! Am I here to sell you beads?
C: Let’s see.
LYN: Are there really so many bead-friends in the stream? The last stream I told you I wanted to started playing with beads and I was afraid that it would age me. But you told me that now elementary school kids play with the beads. What do they call it “rao zi rou”? I see their small hands can move quite quickly. Since you told me that elementary school kids play with it, then that means it’s okay for me to pursue this hobby that those born after ‘00 enjoy.
C: Let’s see!
LYN: Okay, wait for me to get them. Since we’re going to start counting beads I should play more fitting music. Let me go get it, hold on.
LYN: It really seems like I’m trying to sell you something. I can’t take it. It’s just a string of beads…
LYN: Here, these are the beads I’ve been playing with.
LYN: This is a string of 百香籽 (Passion Seed/Cedar Seed/Bodhi Bead). Here, you can look at it.
LYN: I just started. I also have another set that I haven’t started working on.
C: Open the lines! (for purchasing)
LYN: /sigh/ I’m not selling it. If you want to buy it, go online and buy them yourself.
C: They must be fake, right?
LYN: See? You must not have seen good things.
C: Wutaishan has the same thing for 30RMB.
LYN: The worth of this thing is not how much money it cost you to buy. The more you use them, the more value you hold. If you think they’re worth 30RMB, then they are. If you think they’re worth 1M, then they are. If you think they’re worthless, you wouldn’t take them even if I gave them to you. It’s just wood- seeds. It’s a plant- how much money do you think it could be worth? It’s not as if these are gold pieces, where it would be difficult to acquire more. These grow every year- they won’t have a very high price, but they’ll have value in your heart. They’re worth however much you think of them.
C: You spent too much. The fake ones are all 15RMB.
LYN: Okay.
C: The most valuable thing is on your arm.
LYN: Are you talking about my watch? … WHY are you looking at my watch?!?
C: It looks like you’ve played with those beads for 30-40 years already.
LYN: I just bought this and I’ve only had it for a month! I told you during the last stream that I would start. I bought these right after that. It hasn’t even been half a month. It wasn’t that long.
C: Buy a string for Daimi.
LYN: It would change color right away. These change color quickly. In any case it’s for fun. It’s nice to have something in hand that you can use to relieve stress. I saw a lot of friends were showing off their own strings in the group chat. You’re amazing. Certainly better than me, because I don’t quite get it yet.
C: Watch out for Daimi. It might be dangerous.
LYN: Do you think she’ll mistake these for peanuts and eat them? Daimi’s special in that she doesn’t like to eat peanuts. Sometimes when I try to give them to her she doesn’t eat them. So you don’t have to worry. She’s not interested in these things. She only eats sausages.
----------
C: Is this a real person streaming?
LYN: I am an AI.
LYN: Hello. Welcome. To. Modern Brothers Liu Yuning’s. Livestream. /blink/
LYN: Hello. If you have not subscribed to this weibo. Please subscribe. Thank you. /blink/
LYN: I want to say something though! I’ve been seeing that you’ve been using some AI programs to switch my face in to a video. Please don’t do that. They’re not something that just anybody can play with. You don’t have the right to use my likeness to make anything you want. If you like to make them, you can watch them in the privacy of your own home- that’s your freedom. Just don’t spread it around. Alright? Don’t mess around.
LYN: You think it’s fun and there is no ill-intent, but these things themselves are prohibited. Try not to play with them too much. If you have spread it already- delete it.
C: Can you wish my 13 year old daughter a happy birthday?
LYN: Of course I can. But… I think the thing she needs the most is your company. Stop watching my stream. Go play with her. She’s thirteen- you should be playing with her. Stop watching my stream. Hurry and go.
LYN: I wish your daughter a happy birthday. I hope she can grow up happy and healthy and do well in school. But the thing she needs the most right now is you. Either make her something nice to eat or play with her a little. My blessings aren’t that important.
LYN: I want to gift this song to everyone here.
-- 祝你平安 (Wishing You Well) [Sun Ye]
LYN: This song is for the girl who is having her thirteenth birthday today. Happy Birthday and I wish you well.
C: Is 13 very young?
LYN: I never said it was young. I just mentioned that her mom was here, when she should have been keeping her daughter company. My meaning was that what she needed the most was her mom to keep her company, not me telling her “Happy Brithday.” She probably doesn’t even know me. I don’t think thirteen year olds are interested in me.
C: I’m 12. // Lao-da, I’m 13. // I’m 15. // 16. // 19.
LYN: There’s even a six year old??
C: Ning-ge, I’m 18. // 16. // 20. // 17. 15. /// I’m 8.
LYN: /sigh/ I don’t know if what you’re saying is true or not, but I believe at least some of you are telling the truth. If that’s the case I think we need to adjust my streaming degree and content to cater towards these younger individuals. Isn’t that right? And I should also be more aware and watch the things I say. Right?
- /plays the Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf theme song/
LYN: Now we will become a model for young youths.
C: Little kids don’t watch Pleasant Goat anymore.
LYN: Yeah, they’re watching Heroes (SYXSSYX) now. I’m sure they’re planning on watching my dramas now.
C: They’re tricking you.
LYN: What do I care? They can’t fool me.
C: Lao-da, are your eyes open?
LYN: /doubting life/ Someone asked me if my eyes were open… I think those are the cruelest words I’ve heard tonight. Many of you were saying that I’m so white I look like I’ve been dead for three days, and I didn’t get angry. But this friend just asked me if my eyes were open… they feel like I’m about to fall asleep. This… this comment deals double damage. I’ve been attacked.
LYN: It doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to be able to see my eyes, so you can’t tell what I’m thinking. People’s eyes are the windows to their soul, right? By looking into someone’s eyes you can tell what they’re thinking or how they feel. Right now you can’t see my eyes. So that means you can’t see through me.
LYN: Dear Friend, in the next few days you might receive a document from LYN’s Legal Team. My studio will put in a request for a document and send it to you. Prepare to receive it. Make sure you are reachable by phone.
- /looking at his drink/
LYN: ?! Why would there be sediment in this?? /makes barfing sounds/ /pours it out/
LYN: I’m not drinking that anymore. It wasn’t coffee grounds, it was something white.
LYN: Let’s just drink some water.
C: Ning-ge, are you doing magic? There was something dark in the glass and now it’s clear water.
LYN: You really are 13. Now I really BELIEVE you’re 13 years old. Why else would you be here, pretending to be cute? Either that or you truly are a bit foolish. I believe it now. You don’t need to convince me.
C: You put on lipstick?
LYN: No. I don’t put on lipstick. Even though I do have a makeup collaboration- with Givenchy- I didn’t apply any lipstick today. /wipes his lips/ It’s because this beauty filter is on. It gives me a lip color. :P To make my complexion look better.
C: Ning-ge, if the filter is on then why are your eyes still so small?
LYN: My filters are different from your filters. My filters don’t alter my features. I only adjust the skin settings- I turn up the blur and brightening, but I don’t change my features. I’m an actor- you have to see my every day. If I-
-
LYN: Hold on, someone’s ringing my doorbell. Let me play a video and I’ll go see who it is. Is it takeout or something?
LYN: They ordered some food for me. My staff were worried I was going to starve to death. They probably figured by this time of night I would have already stopped streaming already.
C: Scared me to death! Call the cops, quick!
LYN: Meimei- I’m 1.89cm tall and I;ve been working out lately! Also, this community is pretty nice. Plus I have a dog! Are you messing with me? I have a dog keeping me company- if anyone tried anything on me Daimi would eat them! She’ll eat them! So don’t worry, Everything’s fine.
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C: Ning-ge, you actually know English?
LYN: Of course. A little. I only know a little. I know I didn’t go to college, but I still went to school.
C: Marry me.
LYN: Areyou crazy? You think I don���t understand what that means?? Or do you know that I know what it means and you’re provoking me on purpose?? Someone typed “Marry Me” into the comments. I will reply to you with two words: Get out. Shut up.
C: Can you kiss me?
LYN: Go to sleep. You can have a good dream.
LYN: My stream suddenly went from a Gaming Cafe to the English Corner. There are some kids in here who are only 8 years old. They might not have started learning English in schools yet. So now when we’re talking they can’t understand. I already told you we were entering “Young Youths” mode. We can’t speak for too long in English, because I also don’t know that much. If I keep going I’m might expose myself.
LYN: Are you not ashamed by the English you’re typing out?? You’re just a young girl, how could you not watch out for yourself? I’m going to take a screenshot and send it to your mother! If you keep sending me untoward English I’m going to take a screen-cap and send it to your mom. I’ll show her what her kid goes around saying online. “Go to sleep with me”??? Your imagination is getting ahead of yourself. If your mom knew you were online saying those types of things she would beat you to death! Just you wait- I’m going to send it to your mother.
C: My mom can’t understand.
LYN: I’ll translate it for her! I’ll tell her, “Look at what nonsense your daughter is saying. How improper!”
C: You have my contact info?
LYN: You think that’s a good thing? This story is to tell you that the internet is not a lawless place. If I want to find you, I can. Remember my words.
C: Oh, there’s such a good thing? You’ll come find me?
LYN: If you’re chasing this star, we provide door-service. I’ll come up to your door and knock on it. “Hello. I am Liu Yuning. I’m here. See?”
C: My mother not at home.
LYN: Oh my goodness! If you’re using such simple English to talk to me I feel like you’re insulting me! But if you use too complex English, I won’t understand. I’m conflicted. The English you’re using is too simple, so I feel like you’re insulting me because you don’t think I can understand anything more. But if you really type out something complicated, then I REALLY won’t understand.
LYN: Okay, that’s enough. Okay. Okay. Stop. Thank you.
----------
C: You changed so many topics all night.
LYN: A stream is like this. Do you think this is a math class and I’m going to spend all night telling you about math? It’s random- I just talk about whatever I want to. Someone even asked me if my stream has a script. There’s no script. I just see what you’re commenting and pick up a topic. That’s the charm of a stream- it’s live and I’m just here chatting with you. I don’t really prepare anything.
LYN: At most I just make note that I need to promote CFD. I’ve sung an OST for it. It’s currently airing and pretty hot, so if you have time you can check it out.
LYN: You want me to sing it, but the song hasn’t been released yet! The drama is airing but the song isn’t out. I’ll sing it when it’s out.
C: I don’t want to hear OSTs anymore. I want to watch your dramas.
LYN: Shut your mouth! You’re going to make me lose the market! This is one of my own fans lamenting the fact that I keep releasing OSTs, but the last time one of my dramas was released was already two years ago now. Has it been two years? No, right? A little more than one year. This is normal though. It’s not like a song or a variety show- when you can film it one month and it will air the next. People can see it with a quicker turnaround. Normally for dramas it takes one year, up to two, before it airs.
LYN: Luckily I’ve been continuously filming for the past few years. I’ve been in Hengdian for three years straight. So I have some in stock, at least. Once my dramas start to air I’m guessing there’s no stopping them. They’re all about ready to air.
LYN: Someone came to ask about ALZ again. I really don’t know. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. But I really don’t know. I hope it can air soon- I hope all of my dramas can air soon. Otherwise what’s the point of letting them sit there?? I want them to air! I feel the same as you. What’s the point of keeping them?
LYN: I don’t have a drama or an album. I need the drama to air so that my fans can maintain their attachment to me.I don’t have a drama or anything right now, but were are still able to maintain this familiarity with each other which I think is great.
LYN: This is really normal. Let’s say an actor’s drama airs and because of this role, many people start to like this actor. If they don’t release anything for a long time after that, it’s normal for people to turn their attention elsewhere. I also hope that the dramas I’ve filmed- I’ve been filming for three years, now- can also quickly be aired. Even if I can’t attract new fans, at least my old fans can watch. I need to give them something to look at, so they stick.
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C: Ning-ge, the day after tomorrow is NCEE results, what do I do?
LYN: What are you asking me for? How would I know? Do you want me to give you a job??
LYN: “What do I do”? That sounds like you didn’t test well or something. You don’t need to be nervous. Everything that happens is for the best. “What do I do”? What do you want to do? Are you planning to run away? Don’t do that. It’s okay. A test is only a very very small experience in your life. If you don’t do well this year, maybe you can take it again next. Or if you didn’t get the results you wanted, it really doesn’t matter. Look at me and you’ll understand. I didn’t even go to college, but I went to culinary school. I went to a technical school. But I still made it to where I am today where you can recognize me, and that’s my honor. But look at me. I may have had a lot of failures in my past. But if the light doesn’t shine in the east, it will shine in the west. This test is not your only path forward, but it is a better path. What happens if you don’t have good results? There will be other opportunities. This test doesn’t determine the rest of your life. No way.
LYN: You don’t need to have too much pressure. There are a lot of things you’ll experience that will make you feel really sad/upset about them. It might devastate you and make you think you can’t live anymore. But once half a year has passed- maybe three months, even- if you look back on this thing that made grieve and upset, it’s actually nothing at all. After half a year you’ll think even less of it. After a year you’ll look back on this moment and wonder why you were so weak. You might make fun of yourself, thinking, “I was too young. I was too weak. This is nothing.”
LYN: Anything you’re experiencing right now isn’t very important. It’s not something that can make you stumble. After a while you’ll look back on it and think its laughable.
LYN: A friend shared a poem to describe this: 轻舟已过万重山. (A brisk boat sails through thousands of green mountains. // You’ll encounter thousands of hardships but still sail through)
- /comments of poems start to flow in/
LYN: I just want to say my fans are so well-educated. Two minutes ago we were using English to communicate and now we’re using poems! If you want to question how well-cultured LYN’s stream or the people who watch the stream are, you’d better think twice.
C: Left foot Tsinghua and right foot Beida.
LYN: What is that? Now you’re being too obvious. Our current segment is using metaphor and allusion. You’re being a little too forward with that comment.
LYN: To that person who was wondering what they would do when the test results came out, many of your friends here have used a poem to advise you. But I can’t always let them take the credit, so let me also tell you a poem, too: You are a light in the darkness. You’ll illuminate- … How do the lyrics go?? Oh- You’ll illuminate the ashes of the past.
- [t/n:these are the lyrics to 黑夜一束光 (Praying)]
C: 三十年河东,三十年河西. 莫期少年穷.
*(Thirty years in the east, thirty years in the west. (Feng Shui turns and the world changes.) Don’t bully the young man because he is poor now.)
LYN: I think you can gift this saying to me. Thirty years (old) in the east and thirty years (old) in the west… But if this is directed towards that friend who has taken the NCEE, then it’s an attack. For example, let’s say they still can’t get a good result after three years. Then you’re basically telling them that they can only meet west after they’re thirty. That means they have to be patient for more than a decade. This saying doesn’t suit them.
LYN: Of course, playing is playing and joking is joking. But this is really nothing. If you don’t get a good score you can retake the test. That’s the first path. Secondly, if you don’t want to take the test again, then maybe it was for the best. But when you face your next test/chalenge, I hope you can seize the opportunity. But in the end, it’s really not a big deal. Really. I honestly feel like it’s not a big deal.
LYN: As long as you’re alive and healthy, and everyone you love is also alive and well, then that’s the best place you can be. Nothing else really matters.
LYN: People who know me a little should all know what all I used to do. I learned how to be a cook. After that, I worked in a restaurant- learning the trade on the job. I did all sorts of work. Later I got sick and couldn’t be a cook. Since I already understood the industry, I worked as a waiter in the restaurant instead. I would deliver dishes and take orders. It wasn’t a temporary thing while I looked for something else- I did it for 2-3 years. Just as a waiter. I worked as a waitstaff in a bathhouse. I worked as a clothing shop clerk. I worked in each of these jobs for many years. At the time I thought of myself as without a place- I thought that was all I could amount to and that’s just how life was. It was useless to have dreams and aspirations because that was reality. Reality can make you stumble. It will make you accept your fate. There’s this sort of cycle. It will make you think that your life at the time is very hard. But to me, at this point in my life I am thankful for those experiences.
LYN: I’m not saying that to be nice. I will think on those experiences and apply it to whatever I do whether that’s singing or acting. As an actor- let me just say what I want to, though I know it might not be accurate- let’s say that you’re supposed to act as someone who has been locked in a place and hasn’t eaten for three days. How are you supposed to act out those feelings? There are limits to a person’s imagination, but if you’ve real-world experience and take from those experiences to apply it to acting, that’s the best you can do. I have never experienced having gone without food for three days, but I know what it feels like to be hungry.
LYN: Let me tell you when I was at my poorest. I had just come back from a competition and I didn’t have a penny on me. I’d been like like for a long time, with only 1RMB that I asked my grandpa for every day. I had found a job but only made 1RMB a day- I was already over twenty years old. In the afternoon I would sell clothing, and we would eat in shifts. After the first shift came back from their lunch they told me to go. So I went. What did I eat? I didn’t have the money to eat. I only had 1RMB, what could I eat? But I went downstairs, and found some corner- because I didn’t want my coworkers to see me. I just sat there and watched the people pass. After around 20-30 minutes, I went back upstairs and told them I had eaten. I continued to work. I spent about a month like that- it’s not long, but that’s how I spent it.
C: You couldn’t go home to eat?
LYN: At that time I was living with my grandpa, and he doesn’t cook. My aunts and uncles would prepare food for him and send it to him. It’s not that they didn’t care about me, but that I didn’t let it show that I was doing poorly. They thought I was living well. So, they would prepare good for him and I would find something for myself to eat. I would go home and just cook a pot of rice- very small, it only makes about two bowls? I would make rice and have some Chinese broccoli. One meal a day. I’d go home and make a pot of rice that equalled to about three bowls and just furiously eat the rice.
LYN: That’s just one of my experiences- I’ve been through a lot. But now that I have come to be an actor, I am thankful for those experiences. I know how it feels to have dreams but be unable to chase them. I know what it feels like to have a desire for something, and what it feels like to have gotten that thing. I’m thankful for the experiences I had when I was living at the bottom of society. It wasn’t just for one or two years. I spent 5-10 years like that, but I’m thankful for what I learned. As an actor now, I can borrow from those memories. If I grew up in a well-off environment where everything came to me easily and I didn’t want for anything, and the director now wanted me to be in a desperate state, do you believe they would be able to pull it off? I’m sure they would understand, but they might not get the reference. Because they didn’t personally experience these hardships. Those experiences have become my advantages now.
LYN: I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I just want to share. I want you to know that the things you are experiencing at this moment may become a benefit to you in the future. They’re your assets. I don’t like playing the pity card because I am doing well for myself now. I’m worlds different from where I was before. But you still have to experience those hardships in order to cherish what you have now. I don’t want to make you feel sorry for me, because that time has already passed. I’ve gotten over it. So I’m not trying to make you pity me, I’m just sharing.
LYN: I’ve always believed that most things were up to life. I firmly believe that the reason I am here today is because I am lucky. You can’t gain a lot of things through hard work alone. I’m not trying to say that I worked so hard for what I have today. That I am able to know you and accept these acting roles is because of all my hard work. No. This is not something you can gain through hard work.
- [t/n: idk what song he is referring to, here.]
LYN: Hard work isn’t the reason I have what I have today. But the problem is if you DON’T work hard, then you definitely won’t gain anything. That’s a definite. If you don’t work hard, you won’t gain anything. (It’s a catch-22).
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LYN: It’s about time. I’ll stop streaming at 11p. I’ll chat with you for ten more minutes.
LYN: I’m not sure about when the next time I stream will be, but I definitely will come if I have time. I just have a lot of work piled up right now. I didn’t really sing much today because I have to reserve my voice- I’ve already SPOKEN enough. But the work in the next few days will require my voice. Next time I stream… won’t be too long. If you haven’t subscribed to my weibo yet, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Thank you.
C: When are you entering the new crew?
LYN: It’ll be soon. I can enter it anytime- no, what am I saying?? There’s the possibility that I can enter it at any time, so I have to make sure I finish everything I need to do in Beijing first before I can enter the crew and start getting into character.
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LYN: Where’s our rising star? The rising star of 2023? (Daimi)
LYN: /trying to lure her over/ Want a sausage? How about a sausage?
LYN: The rising star of the 2023 Entertainent Industry is here.
LYN: /to Daimi/ Can you have a sense for the camera?? Where’s supposed to be at the top of the industry, here. You might become the biggest star this year, so can you steal the camera at all? /manually adjusts her head/ Okay- let’s keep it at this angle. Don’t move. Perfect. Don’t lift your head. Shots of the chin make you look fat.
LYN: Okay, whatever.
- /Blows in her face to get her to stop looking at him. It doesn’t work. Gives up./
C: Daimi only has eyes for you.
LYN: Friends, don’t think of this so beautifully. Even though if a dog licks you it means they like you, they’re also… waiting for you to feed them. She’s waiting for me to feed her. Okay. She’s hungry.
- /gives her his hand to rest her head on uwu/
C: Is she willing to sleep with you?
LYN: No. I was thinking I would try a day after she had gotten washed- to see if I could hold her to sleep. She didn’t even stay there for a minute before she kicked me and left.
C: Why is she called Daimi?
LYN: Because this little dog is quite foolish. (呆) /sigh/ She’s not very smart. She’s not impatient or ill-tempered like other small dogs can be. She’s just simply very foolish.
LYN: Okay, you can go.
LYN: I’ll give her a sausage to eat later, after I stop streaming.
----------
LYN: Thank you for keeping me company tonight.
LYN: The next time I stream I think the things I bought specifically to wear on the stream would have arrived. Next time I will have an appearance that surprises you. So let’s definitely meet up in the next stream.
LYN: I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let’s meet in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone.
- /closes it out with Fall in Love/
#Liu Yuning#lyn livestream#(4:03:34)#topics:#his hair & hello saturday#on how to say lines with ~emotion~#attributing ost jobs to the main actors of the drama (if he knows them)#how he got into voice acting#new role: tortoise in the wishing well#gaming chat (he's played a lot but not for long)#showing off his beads#~English Corner~#sharing life lessons
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how do you take such good screenshots? I've always struggled with taking good ones myself
The short answer is - practice, persistence, in my case some photoshop, and a healthy dose of luck when it comes to timing things haha. Combat screens especially are very hit or miss (pun intended) in games like SWTOR where there's no pause button, so I just spam the screenshot key and hope for the best. I promise, for every screenshot that I post, there are 10-40 others that did not work xD
But for a more practical look, let's take one of the Ibis ones I just posted. Here is the original screenshot vs the final version:
In terms of in game setup, paying attention to the camera angle and where the ambient lighting falls is very helpful. You get a feel for what angles look best on a character, and you decide what your focus is - do you want their face/model to be centre stage, or is it more of an overall composition, maybe with a dramatic back silhouette? (I love back shots honestly, maybe because I'm usually looking at their backs as I play).
Make sure your character isn't lost in the background, some environments can be way too busy for character-focused shots. Sometimes you'll need to move/rotate, sometimes it just takes choosing a more contrasting outfit if you've got one.
Also, play around with emotes/expressions if that's a feature of the game you're in! I have some staple emotes I'll fall back on, and again, you'll get a feel for how to time them if you do it often enough.
As you can see, I do a fair bit of post-processing on my screenshots. I know a few folks use reshade in game for shaders and depth of field - I found it wonky when I installed it, so instead I do all of that after the fact in photoshop.
Typically, I'll crop a screenshot, especially for more zoomed out shots, and sometimes rotate the angle for a more dramatic effect like the above. I love adding depth of field with the lens blur filter, though it can be finicky to make sure just the character is selected, requires a lot of patience haha. And then I'll play around with things like contrast and colour grading. For the above, I actually didn't do a lot of colour tweaks, and I just made sure to enhance the highlights a bit to make things pop. I also added a motion blur effect on the blaster shot. Sometimes for landscape style shots I'll add the black cinema bars, like here, for that extra oomph, other times a shot's fine without them.
So yeah, there's a lot more that goes on here than just hitting the screenshot key - a lot of time spent posing, adjusting, re-doing, and then going in and editing after. As with any art form, patience and practice are truly your friends!
#kem answers#kem screenshots#virtual photography#i hope that helps anon!#i am very passionate about my virtual photography
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damage control
Summary: Monster fighting is dangerous work.
(Alternatively: Three times Krupp doesn't care or does anything when the boys get hurt*, and the one time he does.)
A/N: * The second part is more on the emotional hurt side of things, but it still counts.
Woe, drabbles put into one fic due to their similar theming be upon ye. They’re all in chronological order that range from the day after the canonical events of the movie, to mid/late game Sticky Notes.
The last 1/4th was part of a different drabble, but that messed with the flow of the story I wanted to tell there. So instead of throwing that part out, I just put it in a separate fic and retooled it for a compilation-style fic. One day, you might get the rest of the fic the last 1/4 was made for, but today is not that day. Also there's a brief mention/implication of blood in the last 1/4.
Long story short, one of the boys gets an injury that draws a bit of blood. Its fine.
——————————–
In retrospect, Benjamin should have figured out the whole… thing with the other guy much quicker.
In fairness, between making sure the semester was still on schedule after George and Harold’s pranks (and their subsequent separation), ferris wheel-induced destruction of school property, and his first date with Edith, he had assumed the lapses in his memory were from stress.
A part of him still wondered how they got that tiger.
At the earliest, it should have been on that first date. He remembered thinking it was a disaster. Not that he could remember much of it. They had just gotten their orders and then… noise. Glimpses of radioactive-green blurs.
And suddenly, he had his arm draped over her shoulders for support as he stared down the front door of his house. He was too out of it to be flustered about the whole affair to notice anything outside of the lingering smell of Edith’s perfume that smelled suspiciously like soup.
After a bit of fumbling on both their parts, she deposited him gently on his bed. Edith was looking out the window, slivers of pale orange from the streetlights filtering through his blinds.
“Wild week, huh?” She turned around, not expecting an answer. Between his head swimming in and out of consciousness, he was sure he missed something– he remembered her lips moving, but what little of his attention not devoted to trying to sleep or the pain preventing him from said sleep was singularly focused on her eyes.
Sleep, thankfully, was starting to win out. There was a soft rustle of fabric and then he felt his own blanket on top of him for once. “I’ll see myself out. Get some rest.”
The day after wasn’t much better– exhaustion settled deep in his bones as it replaced the now-dwindling pain. At least there was coffee in the teacher’s lounge for that, so it was business as usual. And by that he meant that George and Harold had been sent to his office, both for sleeping in. It was only after the third or fourth time did both teachers get fed up and sent them up to his office.
“I have half a mind you’re doing this on purpose.”
George rubbed an eye with the back of his fist with a yawn.
“At least sit up straight when I’m talking to you–” The jab in particular was towards Harold, who had been teetering to the side at a dangerous angle. “Honestly, I don’t care if you had an all night horror movie marathon–”
“We didn’t. Harold’s last syllable was punctuated with a yawn.
“-- Like I said, I don't care either way.” He waved a hand dismissively, ignoring the fatigue pulsing behind his eyes. “But sleeping during class time is prohibited and any further disruptions like this are grounds for suspension.”
They blinked up at him, but didn’t do much else. The principal didn’t know whether their sedate responses so far were more aggravating than their usual tomfoolery.
George’s unobscured eye stared up at him with a look he couldn’t place. It quickly shifted to something more wry. “You look worse than we do and you’re still running the school– what’s your excuse?”
Harold snickered quietly. He gave a sly glance towards the other boy in acknowledgement of an inside joke.
“Detention, both of you.”
No, their usual is much more annoying, he thought at the time.
——————————–
“Ugh, come on– quit being such a big baby about it!”
Now that Krupp had gotten wise as to how they switched him over to Captain Underpants, the entire process of trying to switch him over had gotten much too long for either of their liking. Every time they had to come find him, he set up some sort of counter to the sound of snapped fingers. Soundproofing the office, playing old-timey music at ludicrous volumes, the works.
Right now, he had taken to using industrial-grade earplugs.
“Most people would kill to be a superhero, you know,” George continued. “Captain Underpants has super strength so it really wouldn’t be hurting you that much, anyway.”
“George!”
“What? It’s not like he can hear!” The last word was pointed spitefully towards the principal.
Said principal continued his boring paperwork. While he wouldn’t be able to hear the monster terrorizing the kids outside, let alone them slamming the door open earlier, but the tremors through the floor were another thing. Besides, he at least knew that he could see them from his periphery if that smirk had anything to say about it.
“No, look!” Harold threw the curtains open to show the scene below them.
The ground below had suddenly erupted to reveal a set of craning necks and sharp beaks attached to bulbous heads. The Muck-Raking Vultures would not be satisfied until it’s brought everyone down to its muddy level. A few unfortunate kids were entrenched in the surrounding earth that was now under the bird’s control. All its heads let out a haughty laugh as the kids cried out and tried to struggle.
Righteous anger mingled with concern for his fellow kid and fear. It was bad enough for Krupp to make every kid feel powerless on a normal school day, but withholding the only thing that could save them was beyond– beyond stupid, George managed to think up. Beyond petty!
Krupp had rolled over to the filing cabinet, conveniently turning his back towards the window. Despite the cacophony of noise outside, the shuffling of folders and metal clangs flooded their ears.
“Hey, man, are you doing…” Whatever Harold was about to say lodged in his throat as George loosened his tie. “Oh boy.”
It’s been a while since he had deployed the Tie. There had been no reason dire enough for it. He thought for a moment before tying one end of the Tie in a knot, and tied it again for good measure.
“On my signal, you snap your fingers, alright?” George gave a loose experimental swing. His expression shifted to something determined as he found whatever he was testing for.
Here’s the thing about those industrial-grade earplugs: there’s a thin plastic cord that connects both of them. According to his dad, it was to make sure you knew where both of them were at all times. One earplug is just as useful as none in his line of work.
George fastened his grip on his Tie, quietly circling around Krupp’s desk. He was still busy trying to look busy. Just as he was about to turn the corner of the desk, he whipped the Tie forward. Krupp jolted back at the last second.
“What was that supposed to accomplish,exactly?” His mouth split open in a mocking grin.
The other thing his dad mentioned? They also have a good chance of being caught in things if the wearer wasn’t careful.
The Tie had managed to hit in the space between the cord. The knot acted like the head of a mace: as a counterweight, it spun around the cords to entangle it. With a quick yank to the Tie, the earplugs practically flew out.
Krupp yelled as he tried to reach out for the earplugs now sailing over his desk, but it was too late for that. Harold was at the ready with a snap.
——————————–
The cafeteria is brimming with the sound of kids shooting the breeze. Though, Harold’s been around long enough that it’s not as bright as a result of Krupp milling around the food serving area. Three guesses as to why he’s there, the first two don’t count.
He makes his way to the vending machines next to Krupp and coughs. “You’re holding up the line.”
While Edith manages to look a little ashamed, the principal jumps back like a current ran through him. “What?”
In the periphery of Harold’s vision he could see some of the kids at the nearest table move further away than they already had. But not so far as to be out of hearing range. No one’s looking at them directly, but he could tell they were expecting something.
“Kids are avoiding coming here to get their lunch because you’re here,” he pointed out bluntly.
In response, Krupp props an arm over a cleared portion of the counter. “At least some kids here have taste.”
Despite the context, the lunch lady lets out a surprised little laugh. Harold couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Like-liking.
Instead of hearing them trill and coo for the next bit, his attention shifts to something much more interesting. Like this vending machine. It's one of the few additions to the school that wasn’t a net negative for him and the other kids.
(Though, he’s convinced it's only here because something twisted Krupp’s arm.)
“Awfully quiet.” The statement comes out like an accusation.
He couldn’t help but shoot him a look. The lunch lady was long gone and moved to the far end of the serving station, either out of guilt or to give them privacy. He isn’t sure which.
The vending machine clangs, depositing Harold’s soda. “Gotta be more specific than that.”
“When it's this quiet,” he tries again. “It's usually because you two are planning something.”
A few kids flinch at his tone. He knows this is him softballing, so fine— he’ll play.
“George is sick.” Harold sees how his expression darkens, and he adds, “He got it over the weekend, it doesn’t have to do with Edith’s food.”
Krupp still has that look on his face, so clearly it wasn’t what he was looking for. And he didn’t feel like telling him specifics. He doesn’t need to know it's the flu. He doesn’t need to know it might have had something to do with the monster over the weekend.
“Ah.” He manages. Just as astutely he adds, “Hm.”
The student body writhes. They don’t know what to do with a Krupp that isn’t yelling, or a Harold that isn’t actively provoking him, or a George that isn’t there.
Neither does Harold, to be honest. And he doubts Krupp knows, either.
“He’ll be getting a mountain of make-up assignments once he’s back. Ribble isn’t exactly known for her grace periods.” With the way Krupp’s voice lowered, he wasn’t sure he was talking to himself or continuing whatever this conversation turned into.
None of them know where any of them stood lately. The sidestepping was honestly kind of annoying. It reminds Harold of his house, half a decade ago.
His attention shifts to the soda can in his hand. It's cold enough to hurt holding it, so he starts tossing it from one hand to the other. “None of the teachers are.”
He hears one of the kids squawk out a laugh before it's muffled. He’s not sure whether the kid covered their own mouth, or someone else did.
Krupp’s mouth splits open to show his teeth and the kids eavesdropping flinch back. This close, Harold can see that it veers closer to wince than intimidating grimace. “Of course.”
The boy doesn’t provide an answer to that. He’s still too busy trying to figure out the principal’s angle here, and without George to ping-pong ideas with, he was more frustrated than anything.
His receiving hand fumbles the catch. It grazes past his fingers and falls to the ground. Between the tosses and sudden impact, its contents spill into a small fizzy explosion.
Thatwas more than enough to break whatever fearful lull the other kids were under moments ago. Laughter bubbles out of the direction of their impromptu audience.
It also breaks whatever train of thought Krupphad up to this point as he stares at the bubbly mess pooling underneath his shoes. “Lunch detention.”
“It’s already lunch,” Harold shot back.
“Don’t care—” he pointed to the lunch doors. “Go.”
And then that off moment was forgotten by the kids nearby.
——————————–
The leftover feeling of having to do something do something do something thrums under Krupp’s skin long after the disorientation of switching in fades. Experiencing emotions that aren’t you own will never be a thing he’ll get used to, but this particular emotion is.
It's a little worrying considering that it's anger.
Working backwards, he could figure out why. There were scratches on Harold’s arms, and while George looked fine his pinched expression and the way he had one of his legs propped on his knee said otherwise. In their short walk to the office he had thought he was walking strangely— not quite limping, but angling his body so he was hiding one leg behind him.
For, he amends in his head. Angry for. Not angry at.
The office is relatively clean for now. While it wasn’t hit during the most recent monster fight, there was still evidence of aftershocks. At least the glass from the shattered picture frames were out of the way and he was properly clothed now. The boys look up at the suitcase he slammed on his desk with various levels of uncertainty.
“What happened to the old suitcase?” Harold asked.
“I was meaning to get a new one with more compartments.”
George gave a curious noise as he pulled out a large bottle of rubbing alcohol and managed to catch a glimpse of the compartment’s contents. “Man, did you pack a whole hospital in that thing? That thing’s got more supplies than the nurse’s office here.”
“Figured I needed it one of these days, considering-- you know.” He lets the statement hang in the air for a moment. The boys chorus an agreeing noise, but left it at that.
He diverts his focus towards grabbing a pack of cotton pads, quickly smudging some alcohol on one of it. As soon as he starts circling the desk towards them do they push themselves into the back of the chair.
“Whoa, whoa, what are you doing with–” George points at the bit of cotton in his hand. “-- that.”
“I thought the supplies were for you,” Harold adds, just as hastily.
“Yeah, well.” He shrugged. “I’ll feel it in the morning, but no skin’s been broken— unlike you.”
The boys give a silent glance towards each other. Their expressions pinch.
“They’re just surface level,” Harold waves him off. “It’s fine. We’re fine.”
Krupp looks them over and simply raises a brow. If he didn’t know any better, he would have chalked the injuries up to rough-housing. Which, technically, was true, if he discounted what they were rough-housing against.
“I don’t think the other guy will forgive me if I let you leave this room like that.”
The boys suddenly take an interest in the floor tiles under them. Do something,the feeling under his skin thrums.
“More importantly,” he said in a much lower voice. “I don’t want your parents calling me to complain about child endangerment.I won’t hear the end of it from the school board if word gets out.”
That,at least, eases them in a weird way– if only for the familiarity of the routine.
“You worry about grown-up things too much.” Despite that, Harold reluctantly showed off the fresh scrapes on his arms.
“Do we get candy at the end of this?” George smirks, though his brows still remained pinched.
Krupp blotted the scratches before slapping a pair of band-aids on the smaller of the scratches. “You don’t get detention for the day for that locker gum prank you pulled, how about that?”
Harold rolled his eyes, his hand picking at the skin around one of the band-aids as he slapped an extra-large band-aid pad on the other one. George, on the other hand, had turned away from him.
“Welp since you’re done, we better get out of your hair then.” He waved a hand. “Or, scalp. I guess. C’mon, Harold.”
“Now hold it, bub–” He pointed a finger at him. “Your turn.”
He looked over his shoulder with an irritated glare. With a sarcastic flourish, he shows off his arms and even rolls up his already short sleeves to prove a point. Save for the bits of bubblegum-stuck rubble and dust that still clung on his skin, there wasn’t anything he could see.
“What about your legs?”
“Ugh.” He slid back to sitting properly and gestured to them incredulously. They were similarly dirty from the recent fight, but they weren’t hurt as far as he could tell.
At least, as far as he could tell with the unobscured leg. He still hasn’t moved them.
“George,” Krupp warned.
Harold gave a nervous glance. As much as the other boy refused to budge on the subject, his conviction crumbles at the sight of his friend.
“Ugh, fine!” He uncrossed his legs. The knee that had been supporting his other leg was smeared in red.
The roiling feeling he felt when he first swapped in, comes back in full force at the sight. Pull it together. He gritted his teeth as he focused on something else.
George was looking straight up at the ceiling. What looked like a case of childish rebellion clearly wasn’t that on closer inspection: somehow, he had gotten even more tense.
“I don’t like–” He stops himself, and instead says, “Just get it over with already.”
Krupp drops whatever lecture he was about to spit automatically. He’s never seen George freak out like this— which was saying something, considering everything else before was just as harrowing.
“Get the gauze.”
It takes Harold a moment to realize that he’s talking to him.
“Both of them. It's in the big inside pocket—” The boy scrambles to the principal’s desk without hesitation and comes back in record time. “Just put them on the chair, it’s fine.”
The boy opts to circle around the chairs to be at George’s side. He places a hand on his shoulder, and a bit of the tension bleeds out of his shoulders.
Speaking of which.
Upon closer inspection, it looks a lot worse than it actually is. The leg on top of the wound just made a mess of it by unintentionally rubbing it all over his knee.
The next few minutes happen in silence, save for the occasional hiss from George. He cleans up the wound with cotton-soaked rubbing alcohol before wrapping it tight with gauze.
“Done.” Krupp takes a few steps back, rounding back towards his desk. “It's not the nicest job, but I’m not the school nurse for a reason.”
George hazards to look down. The knee in question is wrapped tight, with the ends of the gauze wrapped in a farmer’s loop. He pokes at it and only winces a little bit.
“Huh,” he mumbles.
While the both of them whisper between each other, Krupp rummages around his desk drawers until he finds the forms he was looking for. Ignoring how dusty the page on top was, he sets to write and check off the necessary boxes.
The murmuring stops just as he was finished with it and the boys were now at the edge of his desk.
“What’re you doing?” George gives the pen he was holding the stink-eye.
Harold tilts his head. “Accident Report,” he reads aloud.
“Just to keep things above board.” The principal sighs before handing it off to them. “I’m going to have to call your parents because of this–”
“Our parents are going to flip!”
“Hold on–” Harold squinted at the sheet. “What do you mean ‘injury was caused by playground incident’?”
“It means what it means,” Krupp replies. “I can’t exactly say you two were fighting gum monsters. Knowing most parents they’ll probably want to take you home, or talk to you before I send you off to class, so stay here for the next ten minutes.”
When self-loathing got old, his pragmatism bled in and thought of the logistics of… everything, really. Someone had to, and it wasn’t going to be the other guy, least of all the boys themselves. Though a part of him suspects that the other guy is considering it now.
The thrum, thankfully, quiets.
Harold opens his mouth. Closes it. “That’s… surprisingly cool of you,” he says in disbelief– both with the situation and the words coming out of his mouth.
“Yeah, well, don’t mention it.” He flashes a grimace. “Ever.”
“Done,” George agrees immediately.
“I don’t think anyone would believe us anyway!”
“Our parents are still going to flip out, though.”
The principal swivels back towards the file cabinet to pull up their parents’ contact info, letting the two of them take their usual seat. It was the pragmatic thing, letting them calm down from all that.
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I did some data collection myself, but rather than totals, I was curious about fandom engagement over time. So, I took the totals of how many fics were posted to ao3 for a specific ship each year from 2008 to 2022. The result was... very hard to read, even after I filtered out any pairing that only appeared once.
Other than the big green line that is Fluri, and the pink line that is Ristelle, the rest gets blurred together.
So I made another chart of just the top 7 ships.
(Couldn't figure out how to display a year rather than a single digit in the X axis with the graphing tool I was using; sorry if that's harder to parse).
The first big uptick in Fluri is the year 2013. I think that surge of activity represents fandom politics and a shift away from FFN rather than a sudden surge of interest in writing Fluri fics. Coincidentally, that's also the year I started writing Vesperia fics, although I didn't post to AO3 until 2014.
It's interesting that over time, Fluri gradually decreased in popularity while Yustelle gradually grew, until they met in 2018 with an exact equal number of fics, before drifting away again.
Fluri had a gradual decline in popularity until the DE released and the fandom had a resurrgance, followed by another gradual decline. Meanwhile, Ristelle was gradually growing in popularity, and DE gave it a big spike. The number of Ristelle fics posted per year is still higher in 2022 than it was at any point pre-DE.
Some other interesting details:
-Yustelle is currently one of the 3 biggest ships in the fandom. Its first fic wasn't published until 2009, then a second followed in 2011, and it didn't really pick up steam until 2014. It's a bit of a late bloomer on AO3.
-There were a couple of Duke/Elucifer fics posted every year until 2012, until it dried up entirely and hasn't been seen since.\
-Nobody posted Estelle/Judith at all until 2018, when it got one fic (that was me! lol). Then in 2019, it got 3 fics, and 7 in 2021. Even more of a late-bloomer ship!
-The biggest late bloomer ship is probably Yuraven, which lived in obscurity for most of the past 14 years. It didn't get a fic on AO3 until 2013, then never had more than a few fics a year until it suddenly got a big spike in 2022 with 26 fics.
I think of these numbers as being as much about general popularity of the ship as well as being about popularity of AO3 as a whole. The years where a rarepair suddenly gets a bunch of ships are, I think, not indicative of overall fandom appreciation for that ship, but a a case of one or two people getting a hyperfixation and carrying a ship to relevance on their backs. I love when fandom people do that.
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Secret Soulmate || Part Three
Jake x Reader - Soulmate AU
Word Count: 3.6k
WARNINGS: nudity, cursing, alcohol use, mentions of war, smut - oral sex (m receiving) and penetrative sex, angst/mourning, main character death
A/N: Thank you so much for your patience besties! It's a sad one.
There is a rhythmic noise coming from somewhere, it sounds both distant yet too loud at the same time. It’s not a steady beeping of a heart rate monitor, it’s more subdued. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. My eyes are not yet open but I can visualize the image of my clock, a black cat wagging its tail against the wall as it measures time. Time. It’s all relative, isn’t it? I’ve seen so many of my lifetimes, some long and others not so much. Right now I’m cursing time, wishing I was on that beach in a suspended sort of purgatory.
I slowly roll over, stretching and letting my eyes flutter open slowly. My vision is blurred and the light filtering through my blinds is entirely too bright. I groan, feeling an ache in my limbs, the small twin bed making me feel more cramped than I already am. How long had I been out?
“What happened?” I speak aloud to no-one, bringing a hand to my aching head.
“You’re up!” Polly proclaimed, her unwelcome voice startling me. “I was so worried about you.”
“You were worried about me?” I asked skeptically, moving to sit up and against the uncomfortable wooden headboard, “I feel hungover but I don’t remember drinking. I don’t even remember going to sleep.”
“Mom called Dr. Williams, he came and checked on you while you were out. He thinks it was just a case of dehydration and lack of sleep. Have you been taking care of yourself since I’ve been gone? Have you been taking care of mom? Jesus, Y/N.” She looks at me with pity and a little bit of contempt, I can see it in her eyes.
“Don’t, Polly. If you cared about mom you wouldn’t have left.” That was a low blow and I knew it, but I wasn’t in the state to fight fair right now.
“Real mature, you know I left for a reason. If you had tried harder maybe you would have also got a scholarship to a good school and not had to wait tables just to put yourself through community college.” She spat, raising from the battered armchair in the corner of my room, “Oh, you might want to get up and make yourself presentable, we’re having family breakfast and you still need to be introduced to Jake properly.”
Jake. Fuck.
Polly stormed out of my room, slamming my bedroom door dramatically. The smiling black cat rattled against the wall, disturbed by her outburst. If it weren’t inanimate I’m sure it would be scowling now, stretching its claws out sinisterly. I hesitate before trailing my gaze to the door, consumed by the thoughts of what would be waiting for me on the other side. Knowing what I did now, knowing that Jake was not Polly’s soulmate, but mine, made things infinitely more difficult. I could tell her the truth and then I could have Jake to myself to get to know, the way I had seen us together in the past, two lovers cooing over their newborn. I could tell Polly that her soulmate was dead, sweet Josh whom I had only met fleetingly in a flashback, who I would never meet in this lifetime.
I sighed deeply, knowing that as much as I loved to bicker with my sister, I couldn’t hurt her this way. I’d already shouldered the burden of watching my mother lose my father, watching how broken she had become being forced to live out the rest of her life without her other half. I couldn’t imagine the toll of watching my sister go through that, too. She is still so young and now she’ll never have the chance to know and feel what true love is. Could I stand by Jake’s side and watch my mother and Polly as they mourned together? Could I handle the repercussions of bringing my sister such loss, such hopelessness, while I had everything she’d ever dreamed?
I swallowed down the lump in my throat, nodding my head in acceptance. Jake was right, we had to pretend. I barely knew this man but the thought of myself going through this life alone made me feel like I had a gaping hole in my chest, so deep and empty, never to be whole again. I would have to watch Jake live out our lifetime with my own sister. Would she wonder why their feelings were so shallow? Would she convince herself that it was true love? Would they have babies? A happy family, little curly headed babe’s that looked just like Josh - the soulmate Polly would never know?
Before I could spiral any further, my mother’s trilling voice called from the kitchen, wafting into my room along with the smell of french toast. “Coming!” I yelled, begrudgingly dragging myself to the small bathroom attached to my room. It was dated, as were most things in our home, untouched from when my father was still around. Bold black and white square tiles covered the small room. I took in my appearance in the mirror above the vanity. I looked disheveled, but I didn’t have time for a shower. I suppose it didn’t matter, who was I making appearances for?
I finger-combed my hair, separating some of the tangles from where my head had laid upon my pillow for God-knows-how-long. I quickly, yet efficiently, brushed my teeth and washed my face before shedding my pajamas and placing them in my hamper. Pondering over what I would wear, I trotted back into my room, barely registering that I was no longer alone.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I gasped, reaching for my bathrobe and hurriedly securing it around my waist.
“It’s not like it’s anything I haven’t seen before.” Jake smirked, an outstretched hand gesturing to my body.
“Look anything like my sisters?” I retorted, causing Jake to recoil at my words.
“I wouldn’t know.” He punctuated the last word.
“Oh, so the fake soulmates haven’t fucked yet?”
“Jesus, Y/N. We haven’t even kissed yet. We’re trying to take things slow.”
“So Polly bringing you here to meet the family is… slow?” I raised an eyebrow, scoffing in disbelief.
He sighs, rubbing his jaw, a nervous tick that felt so familiar to me now. “It meant a lot to her. I can’t give her everything, but at least I could give her this. This visit. A reassurance to your widowed mother that her eldest daughter would no longer be alone.”
I laughed darkly, “And what about the youngest daughter?”
“You have to believe me, if I'd known it would have been you…”
“Please. I can’t listen to this anymore.” My voice cracked, giving away my pain, “I would like you to leave now.”
*Flashback - 1940s, Midwestern USA, North America*
“When are you leaving again?” I asked meekly, fiddling with the solitaire ring on my left hand, still getting used to the feeling of it.
“I hate how you say that… leaving, as if I have a choice, as if I’m never coming back.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat, looking anywhere but into his eyes. This was not the time nor place to make a scene. I took slow, deep breaths, blinking away the tears pricking at the corners.
“Your return isn’t promised, Jake.”
“I don’t want you to worry for me when I am gone. I want you to go about your life, find a little apartment for us and make it a home. Something for me to look forward to.” He pulled me close, pressing a gentle kiss to my temple.
“But it’s war, Jake. I can’t bear the thought of waking to a knock at my door with a flag and a letter thanking me for your sacrifice.” I began to cry at the thought of his absence, cursing my tears at this inconvenient time.
“Darling, if there were any other way…” He sighs, knowing we have had this very conversation so many times.
“Let’s run away together,” I plead, knowing it is fruitless, “How am I supposed to go on without you here? How am I supposed to continue on as normal, not knowing if you’re alive or dead.”
I’m full on sobbing now, making a scene surely in the dance hall we were seated in. This was supposed to be a happy occasion, a celebration of our engagement and a night full of dancing, but instead we were drowning our sorrows, clutching at straws and cursing the damned letter we had received earlier that week with the news of Jake’s draft.
He takes my face tenderly between his palms, warm and calloused from his mechanical work. “My sweet, Y/N, soon to be wife. I promise you, with everything I have, that I will make it home to you. I swear it.” He reaches in to kiss my nose, before rubbing his own against mine, causing me to giggle, “I swear on my twin brother’s life.”
Before I could swat him away and chide him for such absurdity, Josh cuts in, “Brother, how you wound me! And here I was about to ask your fiancé for a dance. She looks utterly miserable in your company.”
At Josh’s dramatics, I smile wider, momentarily forgetting why all of us were here. Men having their last hurrah before heading off into the brutal uncertainty of war, and the women, pining and waiting and terrified that their lovers may not return. Clinging to one last happy memory, because a happy reunion could not be guaranteed.
“One dance, Y/N. Polly is utterly dizzy from me twirling her around the room, maybe Jake’s conversation will bore her enough to bring her back to Earth.” He guffaws at his own joke, earning a glare from Jake.
“I accept your request for a dance, Josh.” I say, softly. “But no funny business.”
“As if I would let my sister make a move on my soulmate.” Polly chimes in, appearing with a round of drinks, dark liquid in crystal glasses. “Besides, Jake would never stand for it. He loves you too much.”
“Damn right.” He agrees, throwing back the amber liquid without flinching. He swats my ass playfully, pushing me towards the dance floor.
Josh hooks his arm in mine, guiding me throughout the crowd of twirling couples. We situate ourselves in the center of the room, both of us gazing in awe at the glittering mirrorball hanging above our heads, illuminating all around the room like little stars.
“Look.” Josh grabbed my hand in his, gesturing to my ring, “Look how it sparkles as it catches the light.”
I watched it shine, a brilliant rainbow of colors as I moved my hand this way and that, “He sure did good.” I smiled fondly.
“I told him to pick this one, you should be thanking me.”
I rolled my eyes at his playfulness, “Don’t let war change you.”
He scoffed, “Who, me?” But underneath his comical exterior, I knew he was sweet and vulnerable and too pure for the brutality of war. Jake was the twin far better suited to it: observant, aloof, with a toughness to him. I worried for the both of them, for how it would change them, for who they would be if they made it home. We stayed like that for a while, both needing the physical hold on each other. Two friends wishing to anchor themselves in the moment.
“Get out of your head.” A voice from behind startled me, interrupting the gentle back and forth I’d been unconsciously doing, dancing a dance I’d done so often I could surely do it in my sleep. “Mind if I have my lover back?”
“Of course, brother. I’m going to take my girl home, we have a lot of goodbyes to do before we leave tomorrow.”
“You’re disgusting.” I retort, at the same time Jake smiles and says ‘Nice’.
I swat him in the shoulder, earning a fake groan of pain. Josh walks away grinning like a cheshire cat, rushing to my sister who had no idea that she was about to be in for a very long night. I hoped I would be, too. If I could stop myself from wanting to burst into tears, that is.
“Darling,” Jake called, bringing my attention back to him. “Promise me no more tears for tonight? I want to take you home and make sweet love to you and I need to see that pretty little smile. That’s the memory I want to bring with me, the one that will keep me warm on even the coldest nights.”
I smiled at his words, “Is it my smile or my naked body that will be warming you up?”
“Both.”
Dozens of flickering candles and the soft glow of the lamp in my room kissed Jake’s bare skin, he looked angelic and otherworldly, despite our current actions being downright sinful. My mouth slowly bobbed up and down the length of him, tongue massaging and occasionally flicking over the sensitive spot below the tip.
“So beautiful, so perfect for me like this. When my hand is wrapped tight around my cock, I’ll think of you like this. Your pretty little mouth working me over.”
Jake’s hand gathered my hair into a makeshift ponytail on top of my head, ever the gentleman. His breathing began to pick up, I watched as the gradual rise and fall of his chest increased. I could tell he was getting close to his release, but we both needed to make this last. We needed to savor this moment. I removed his cock from my mouth, just enough to beg him to fuck me.
“No fucking, sweetheart. I told you that I was going to make love to you.”
I whined, “But Jake, I want it. I need you so bad.”
He motioned for me to join him, I straddled my way up his legs until my center was hovering over his achingly hard cock. “Ride me, sweet girl.” I lined the tip up and sank down on him slowly, both of us moaning at the feeling. “Like velvet.” Jake said, always praising my pussy.
I started to circle my hips, nice and slow. The approving look on his face was enough to incentivize me to continue the pace. I planted my hands on his stomach to steady me. His soft, perfect stomach. He had expressed his insecurities about it in the past, but it was easily one of my favorite things about him. I hoped he would return to me the same way, still soft, not hardened physically and emotionally by the toll of battle.
Jake thrust up into me, causing me to moan. He began to palm at my tits, massaging and squeezing. He toyed with my nipples, pinching just enough to elicit a hiss from my mouth, the sting heightening the sensations. “Jake, I’m close.” I whined, bouncing up and down.
“That’s it, darling. Let’s let go together, want to feel you hug me so tight. This pussy needs to give my cock a proper goodbye.” His voice was strained, teeth clenched in an attempt to ward off his orgasm, “Give it to me, pretty girl.”
I bounced and bounced and then I was toppling over, falling forward onto Jake’s chest. He held me closely as we shuddered and pulsed, a rush of warmth and pleasure radiating from where the two of us connected. He stroked my hair as we both came down from our respective highs, breathing in tandem now, deep and slow.
“I’m going to miss you.” Jake said, breaking the silence, before sniffing and clearing his throat.
I craned my neck to look up at him, “You said no tears.”
“I made you promise, I never agreed to anything.” He joked, eyes still glassy and full of hurt, “Now, do you promise you’ll write to me? Tell me it all… even if it’s about what you made for dinner that day or a song that made you think of me?”
“Always. You know you’ll always be a part of my day, even when we’re not together. And I’ll be with you. As long as the Sun comes up, I’ll still be in your heart.” I murmured, drawing circles on his chest.
“And as long as the Moon follows, I’ll be with you too. Keep me safe inside your heart.”
“I’ll wait for you, Mr Kiszka.” I promised.
He smiled so sweetly, “And I’ll always find you, future Mrs Kiszka. You’re all mine.”
My hands nimbly guided the fabric through the sewing machine, it hammered down stitches at lightning fast speed. The whirring of the machines from my fellow seamstresses was monotonous, but it was a sound I had become used to. Polly and I started working at the textile factory to keep us both busy and to save money for when our men came home to us. It had been months, Jake’s letters not coming as often as I would have hoped, but I treasured them all. I’d tied them all pretty and gently stored them in a hat box underneath my bed. When my heart ached for him, I reread his words. He was so eloquent and poetic without even trying. He almost made it seem like he was on some grand adventure and not shooting down men in enemy territory.
A cacophony of gasps and the sudden halt of machinery usage caused a pit in my stomach. This happened often, maybe once or twice every week. The dozens of us all stood, raising from our seats slowly, not sure which one of us was about to have our hearts broken. A defeated soldier stood anxiously in front of the room of us women.
“I’m looking for the next of kin of Mr. Kiszka.” The somber man states, his expression gives away his obvious discomfort, still not used to delivering this kind of news.
I drop the spool in my hand, haphazardly tossing the fabric aside and rushing through the rows of seamstresses to where the soldier stood in his uniform. Polly was hot on my heels, reaching her arm around me to pull me into her, both of us beginning to clutch one another in anticipation. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Surely we had misheard, maybe Kiszka was a common family name.
“I’m so sorry to have to deliver this news.” The soldier cleared his throat, his stance moved from foot to foot, visibly uncomfortable and possibly confused at the two bewildered women that stood before him. “I want you to know he was a good man. I served with him briefly before my own injury.” He gestured to his leg, pulling the fabric up and revealing a wooden prosthetic. “The two of them together, always finding the humor even on the darkest day.”
Polly let out a choked sob, knowing how Josh was the one with a penchant for jokes and laughter. I rubbed her shoulder soothingly, my heart ached for her, imagining the possibility that Josh had been killed in combat.
“I am so sorry. He was a good man.” The soldier repeated. “I have been asked to inform you that your fiancé, Jacob Thomas Kiszka, died in combat last week.”
The moment the words hit my ears, my whole world fell on its axis, I was no longer present, I was floating, an observer outside of my body. I watched as my knees buckled, as the soldier and Polly scrambled to contain me, as my body hit the cold hard concrete and my vision went black.
The service was simple, paid for by the government, a ‘thank-you’ and an ‘I’m sorry’ all in one shiny wooden casket. The few relatives Jake had came, but it was mostly attended by the many friends he’d made and some surviving soldiers he’d fought beside. Josh even came home for the funeral. I wish I could say I was happy to see him, but it made the hole in my heart grow wider.
The skies opened, a sudden downpour soaking the congregation. Women shrieked and men shielded them with their jackets, running for the trees to find cover from the rain. I remained in place, staring at the casket before me. I let myself cry freely now, no longer being watched or given smiles of pity. I cried and cried. I wanted to cry until I had drowned the whole world. I wanted everyone to feel my pain, I wanted them to hurt too. But mostly, I wanted my soulmate back.
“Y/N!” Polly called, the sheets of rain distorting her voice. “We need to get you inside, the service is over now. We can come visit him tomorrow.”
“No!” I screamed, raw and angry. “I’m not leaving him.”
I walked towards his casket, placing my hand on top. I let my tears fall, mixing with the drops of rain trailing down the simple wooden box. How fitting. Jake wouldn’t have wanted anything over the top.
“I’ll love you forever. I’ll find you in the next life.”
I closed my eyes, feeling that familiar fuzziness as an image came into my mind. I saw a beach, pristine sand and salty blue water. There was Jake with hair even longer than I could have ever imagined, a beaming smile on his face and a silly straw hat atop his head. I could smell apple pie and whiskey. There was a black cat. I was seeing flickers of another time, but I knew it wasn’t a memory. It was a… premonition?
“Oh my God.” I choked out, now falling to my knees. I crawled over and curled up by his gravestone, I could still feel him somehow. I could still feel the connection here. “I’ll spend every day here with you, Jake. Until I find you in the next life.”
TAG LIST:
@celestialfauna @streamsofstardust @doodle417 @theweightofjake @turtleskane @morganic-goods @loofypoofy @jakeslovehandles @emsgvf @jakeyboiiiiiii @way-to-go-lad @fleet-prodigy @age-of-nyahh @gvfrry @greta-flanveet @jakekiszkasguitarpick @kdarling1 @theweightofstardust @mintysammykiszka @lvnterninthenight @jakesgrapejuice @thecoldwind @brokenbellz @myownparadise96 @loveisonaroll @joshkiszkas @asparrowofthedawn
#greta van fleet#gvf#gvf smut#gvf imagine#gvf fic#greta van smut#greta van fleet imagine#greta van fleet smut#jake kiszka x reader#jake kiszka x you#jake kiszka#sam kiszka#josh kiszka#danny wagner#sam kiszka imagine#josh kiszka imagine#jake kiszka imagine#danny wagner imagine#josh kiszka fanfic#sam kiszka fanfic#jake kiszka fanfic#danny wagner fanfic#danny wagner fanfiction#sam kiszka fanfiction#jake kiszka fanfiction#josh kiszka fanfiction#sam kiszka smut#josh kiszka smut#jake kiszka smut#danny wagner smut
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do you have a guide to making your animated comic edits?
i don't, actually! in part because i'm relatively new to these parts and no one has asked for one, and in part because every gif i do is kind of a unique little adventure into teaching myself a new skill, so there isn't just one approach. but! i'm delighted that you want to know! so i'll try and walk you through a couple of them.
we'll start with this guy, because he's a favorite of mine and showcases a lot of the steps that i usually have to do:
tools you'll need: photoshop CS6; digital versions of the comics you'd like to edit.
(i assume you can use any version of photoshop or any editor capable of creating gifs, but CS6 is my preference. photopea is a fantastic free alternative, but figuring out timing and transitions is a lot harder there and requires more effort.)
step one: find your panels and elements
it's worth noting here that i cannot - and i mean this - cannot draw. at all. a lot of my life would be easier if i could, but here we stand. as such, nearly every element of these gifs is pulled from the comics themselves.
for this particular gif, which is admittedly on the simpler side, i needed two things: the initial panel, of jason leaping into the air, and a still image of jason as robin. preferably from the same run with the same artist, because that way, the art matches. i found these:
and that's all i needed for this one. sometimes i need to pull several panels for the vibe i want, or for specific things -- leaves to drift through the frame, magical elements, text and sound effects, speech bubbles, etc -- but adding those in follows pretty much the same processes either way.
step two: prep them!
easier said than done, really. what i needed to do here was make myself a blank canvas around the elements that i would be messing with. this varies from project to project, but for this one, it goes as follows: remove the narration box and jason from the first panel; create an isolated version of jason that can be pasted back in; create an isolated version of robin that can be pasted in the same place at a similar angle.
this is a lengthy process, because i work off my laptop and have a touchpad and no artistic skills. here, it requires drawing in a lot of building and making a successfully blurry, ombre sky. and, because robin!jason's toes are cut off, i have to draw those in and try to match the shading.
(there's also some work here with color balance and photo filters to match coloration; i had to add some highlighting and change the colors on robin!jason a bit to match the background lighting of the overall image, but not by much. sometimes, this step is more involved.)
after some fiddling, i usually end up with things i'm happy with. for this gif, those are as follows:
(this is done through the blur tool, the magic wand selection tool, refining the edges of a selection, or -- in many cases, because comic lineart is my enemy - erasing every pixel of the background or character by hand. yes, there are easier ways to do this, but i like my time-consuming methodologies. they're soothing to me.)
and now we're ready for the fun parts.
part three: assembly!
so we take that background we just made and we paste hood!jason back on it on a new layer. silly that we have to, but yknow. it's fine. he's in there. and now the goal is to find a way to successfully transition from hood!jason to robin!jason in a way that's satisfactory.
i follow a lot of standard gifmaking practices, i feel like? but i'm also self-taught, so i actually don't know how true that is. i create a timeline in photoshop and set it to have a delay of about 0.2 seconds to start with, just to see how the transitions go. i usually start with 10 frames, and then add or remove depending on what seems right.
(the variations here can be broad, by the way. i have a green arrow gif with 140 frames with no delay and a wonder woman gif with six frames on a one-second delay, for example, but those are for another time. starting with 0.2 seconds' delay across 10 frames is just a comfortable starting place for me, is my point.)
this is what the timeline looks like for this project:
(it's that bar at the bottom. you can see the settings and all that as they appear in the final product: 0.1 second delay over 12 frames, so not too far off from my default. nice.)
operating within that 10-12 frame range, i mess around with photo filters and the blur tool to both make hood!jason disappear and make robin!jason appear. this involved a heavy use of the "accented strokes" setting in the filter gallery and smudging and blurring until they looked how i wanted them to, which is to say, rather silly.
here's red hood vanishing:
and here's robin appearing:
there are a few additional versions of these, but i think you get the idea. these are all the bits and bobs, and i just have to lay them out in the timeline in order to get the transition as i'd like it to be.
so i start with jason as hood, and then i move through the timeline and click and unclick the little eye to view them. this is also a heavy process; this gif has about twenty layers, and i'm revealing/hiding each one individually. that is actually not as bad as it could be; one of the poison ivy gifs i've published has about 600 layers that i did that with, and i have a green arrow gif with about 800 layers and 70 frames that i didn't even end up publishing because i wasn't happy with it. c'est la vie.
the end product should look something like this:
which, when played at 0.1 second delay and looped, looks like this:
part four: in conclusion...
i recognize this "guide" is messy and skips over quite a bit, but that's because every gif really is its own beast. i am very familiar with trial and error, and with trashing things that don't end up working out. each gifset takes me about 10-12 hours, depending on complexity, without even counting the time to track down panels or read the comics themselves.
if you want to start with something simple, i suggest animating text bubbles. all you have to do for those is erase them from the background and then drop them back in over the top for about 0.5 or 01 seconds apiece for readability. this gif of mia, for example, was just isolating her from her background, creating a new background from a different panel, and then flipping the text on and off. it's got five frames on a 0.5-second delay.
basically... fuck around and find out. a lot. once you know how the gif timeline works and how to hide/reveal layers, the world is your oyster, because that's all this is.
again, i know this is messy and all over the place, but i hope it helps! have a little fun with it, and don't be afraid to mess up. it's fun either way. <3
#tbanimations#how to#ask.tb#elioherondale#i am always down to talk about how these got made so if there's a more specific one you had in mind...#feel free to ask about it#i am an open book i like discussing the things i make
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Title: The Long Run
Author: James Acker
Genre: Sports | Friendship | Romance | LGBTQ+
Content Warnings: Homophobia | Racism | Familial Abuse
Overall Rating: 9.7/10
Personal Opinion: Sebastian “Bash” Villeda and Alessandro “Sandro” Miceli are one of the cutest book couples I’ve ever met. They’re track and field athletes who know of each other. Until a fateful party in the woods leads to them getting to know each other. Thus comes an intense friendship that evolves into a wild roller coaster of romance. And you won’t want to miss a single twist or turn on this ride.
Do I Own This Book? Not yet I don’t.
Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:
Likes:
- Oh my god, they’re such a cute couple. I was worried I wouldn’t be into them at the start but they have such good conversations. They mention it multiple times throughout the book that they “talk well” and it’s just true. They really do talk well together. It’s this mix of funny, honest, and vulnerable that I always love to see in couples. And they get so fucking vulnerable with each other. They get real and it’s their thing to get real and it’s so good. I was just so deeply invested in every one of their conversations.
- Their first kiss in the ditch had me screaming. Legit, I had my hand to my mouth and my eyes wide with shock. I could not believe Sandro just did that! And then Bash kissed him back and I was flailing like a fish out of water. The chemistry between them was palpable. It was electric. I wanted them to make out in that ditch forever. And I’m just glad that Bash went to find Sandro the next day after their awkward goodbye.
- But the first time they had sex on Halloween while dressed as each other? That blew me away. It was so tender and special. I mean, it started out as this blur but then Bash wanted to slow things down and just wanted to look at Sandro and he called him sexy and that was it for me. As an insecure guy myself, the idea of someone just looking at me, really looking at me, and then calling me sexy is all I could ever want. Everything that Sandro was insecure about, Bash loved. Everything Bash was insecure about, Sandro loved. Like the hair on Dro’s shoulders or Bash’s machine gun laugh or Sandro’s big ass smile. Ugh, it warmed my heart to see them complimenting and complementing each other so well.
- Lucy Jordan is cool as shit. I can see why Bash loves her too. She doesn’t take any shit, she keeps Bash humble, and she was the one who gave him the push he needed to go fix his relationship with Sandro. She is so cool and so funny too. The way she argues with Sandro is hilarious. And when she called them kinky for being all over each other on the lawn had me rolling. She’s the type of best friend any person would love to have.
- Ronny DiSario and Phil Reyno (Panic! and The Disco) are hilarious too. And Sandro is right, they are dicks. But I like the way they made Sandro feel included in their weird dynamic. I like how they knew he was a good guy. I like how they talked with no filter but still showed support to each other in their own ways. Not to mention, without Ronny and Phil, we wouldn’t have gotten that “hell of an apology” from Sandro when he said sorry for all the shit he said.
- Del Branch is cool too. He’s Bash’s stepfather but he really cared about Bash as his son. He made some missteps, not making the effort to talk more, but that was a two-way street. Once the blockade lifted from that street and Del and Bash talked, it was the sweetest fucking thing. They cared about each other. And the way Bash wanted to get to know more about Del toward the end really warmed my heart. Del also has a queer older brother who is married with kids and that is awesome.
- Claudia Miceli is a mess. The entire Miceli family is a mess. But I want to give her credit in the end, she really tried. She gave it her all to fix her relationship with her son and she acknowledged that she fucked up in multiple ways. I was almost crying when she was crying and telling Sandro that she thought they would have more time. Looks, it’s not enough to make up for the bullshit she put him through but it’s a step in the right direction. Just the fact that Sandro has SOMEONE in his corner in that house is really great.
- Little kids in books are often the funniest characters. GJ is the best. He was rude for no reason to Bash when they first met and it was hilarious. Even better was the mega-meatball he made. I don’t know why, but a little kid answering the door is funny enough. A little kid answering the door while holding a giant wad of ground beef with a face on it is going to kill me with laughter.
- Sandro and Bash agreed to go long-distance! You have no fucking idea how happy that makes me! They want to put in the effort to try and I love that.
- Also, Bash wanting to go by Sebastian Branch when he goes to college made me tear up. The fact that he wants to take his stepfather’s name is so beautiful and really shows his growth as a character.
Dislikes:
- Gay book couples, please stop going months without speaking to each other, my anxiety can’t take it! This is like the third or fourth time I read a book where that happens and I just want y’all to be happy. But I get it. Shit hit the fan and it’s hard to say the things you want to say. But I just wanted to shake Bash and Sandro and tell them they’re being stupid and they still loved each other and they could make it work if they just tried! Okay, I’m cool. I’m chill.
- Fuck the Miceli men. All of them except Sandro. They have no idea how lucky they are to have such a good kid who does so much for the sake of the family. Gio Sr., Gio, and Raph can all go fuck themselves in their gross machismo asses. I can see why Sandro found it hard to be himself in an environment like that.
- Fuck Ant Lewis and Matty Silva too. The former for being racist and the latter for just being an overall dick. They didn’t deserve Bash and his good heart. But I do kind of wish we got a cleaner break between Bash and Matty. Something that clearly states they’re done and here’s why. But Bash doesn’t owe Matty a thing and sometimes friendships just have to die. I get it.
#Booksbooksbooks#Booklr#Book Rec#Book Review#Book Blog#The Long Run#James Acker#LGBTQ#Queer Representation#I'm baaaack
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i hope this doesn't come off as rude or anything but im just curious, how do you make your art, i just found your account and it looks awesome, im just really curious about the process honestly:3
not rude at all! it's actually a pretty simple process, but i'll explain as much as i can
so i'll find a background, usually these are photos on liminal space communities that are newer. sometimes i take photos myself and use that. i look for really dark photos, and specifically photos that are gonna work with the angles i have.
that leads into the next part, which is choosing a photo of a borzoi to mess around with. i usually choose this based on what picture i have. that way i can have an easier time editing it. so i select the picture based on lighting, angle, and also the quality. i try to use high quality images, because (1.) it's better to have more to work with than you need, and (2.) it's what works best when removing the background. you can do this manually on ibis paint, but it's so much easier to do it with a website. there's a lot that'll turn your image into a transparent png.
once i got all that, i put it together. i do this all in ibis paint x. i put the dog a bit higher than it is realistically, and extend the features. sometimes i add different heads or other attributes. i change the lighting by adding different colors and blending. i use a few filters, including color balance, blur/zoom, and unsharp mask.
while i'm doing this, i like to make a little story up about the new creature i made. then i use the captions to kinda tell it. there is actually a little bit of "lore" around some of the dogs, and there's repeat characters. i like this part of it the most, this was why i originally made this account. it's just hard to keep a character, plus i dont operate a side blog and dont want to. world building has always been the coolest thing to me and this is a super cool way to practice it. this account hasn't even been here a year and i've learned a lot.
anyway, thanks for asking! having lots of fun and it's cool to see that people are interested in what i'm doing.
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𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒 // 𝐒𝐀𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐍
You were sitting outside the cabin late at night.
It was past 11:30 when you first walked through the back door and seated yourself on the porch, swinging your legs.
You couldn’t sleep at all the past week.
Everything had seemed to move in a blur, the days mixing together more than they should’ve.
You felt like time was going too fast.
Every single day seemed to be the same, nothing new seemed to change and it was killing you.
You just wanted to rest, for once.
Taking a deep breath, you looked up at the star-filled sky, watching as the moonlight filtered over the vast view of the green trees.
Nature seemed to be the only thing keeping you alive, at the moment.
That and the endless support from Saeran.
His love seemed to keep you above water, when you were drowning he was there to help you swim.
He kept you from going towards the darkness.
He was the light you never knew you needed, his soul so pure that it could touch anything and fix it completely.
He was what made your heart so full.
You wanted to keep it that way for eternity, but you knew you couldn’t always have it.
Sometimes the darkness became too much.
You didn’t want to be the weight that kept you both down, that kept you both from floating above the water.
You wanted him to be set free, that was all he needed out of life.
To be untied and set free from the chains of reality.
“My angel?” His voice had sent shivers down your spine, his touch lighting up your stomach with fireworks.
It was only him who could make you feel this way.
“What are you doing out here alone? Aren’t you cold?” He had draped his jacket over your shoulders.
You hadn’t noticed you were shaking.
You didn’t think it’d be this cold out, but you figured it was also your anxiety making you feel like this.
The knots in your stomach, or even the pounding of your head.
It always got this way.
“I wish I was enough sometimes.” You hadn’t meant to speak your words into existence, but he had heard them all the same.
“What do you mean? Of course you’re enough, you’ve always been enough, my love.”
He had set his hand over yours.
His touch was warm, a different feeling than what you were used to.
His presence always made you calm.
“No. Sometimes I am not, sometimes…I just want to not exist. To just float in an endless abyss and never have to feel like this.
“Unworthy, selfish. I’m selfish sometimes, I just want you all to myself. But you're too pure for me. Too pure for my mind.” You shake your head.
He knew you always doubted yourself, from the very first moment he met you.
He knew you never truly believed you were okay.
“If anything, you’re too pure for me. Your love…makes my soul feel safe. Your touch is like heaven upon my tainted hands.
“You accepted me for who I was, my past and my family. You made me see the world from a different point of view.
“I could never truly thank you for helping me breathe, for helping me over the waters of life. You kept me afloat when I wanted to drown.”
You looked at him, watching his eyes glaze over with unshed tears.
Tears of sadness and pain.
He wished you could see yourself the way that he saw you, a fallen angel sent from above to protect him.
To cherish him, even when he’s done wrong.
To protect him from his own darkness, even if you carry your own burdens.
He wished to carry the weight on your shoulders.
To help you see above your own waters of darkness, to help you look towards the surface rather than in the pits below.
“My angel, my goddess. You are my fate, the one person I am destined to be with forever. Whenever I look at you, I see my future.
“I see the light that I’ve always had trouble picturing. Even if you do not see it yourself, I will be here.
“I will help you see your worth, even if I have to keep reminding you until the end of time. Even if you push me away, I will be here.
“Because you have changed me for the better. You have made me see how special and precious this life is.
“I only want and need you, my love. When I am without you, I am alone. You are my soulmate, my other half.
“Together we help each other learn and grow, together we are one. And I will help you see that.”
All you could do was stare.
He was the light you needed in this world, the anchor that kept you grounded, the angel that protected over you.
His touch made you shiver, his words made your heart ache.
He truly was a blessing in disguise.
He would love you for all of your ugly, he would love you until the end of time.
In whatever universe you stumbled in.
In the end it would always be you both, no matter what came between you guys.
And maybe that was okay.
Maybe you could finally break free from the chains that surrounded you, the darkness that circled your heart.
Maybe you could finally be happy.
Even if it took a thousand years, you would be okay with that.
As long as Saeran was by your side.
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hi love! i legit just found your page yet i'm absolutely BLOWN AWAY by your edits, oh my gosh :O i love the gif you posted about your editing process and i was wondering if you'd be willing to post the different pictures in it side by side so i could more easily see the process? if that's too tedious that's totally okay and i completely understand :) thank you for reading dear, have a great day!! <3 (the post i'm talking about is post/683152127057641473)
Hello anon!
Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m so happy you like my edits and are interested in the process (truly my favorite thing to talk about)
I’m gonna number each part of the process, I tend to save a picture after I think I made significant enough changes and then continue so idk how organized this will be but I’ll happily upload a progress video of another edit if you or others are interested! Also for reference, I edit mostly in Procreate
1. Picture one is the render fresh from Blender! I immediately notice clipping issues I wanna fix and elements from the Sims that didn’t translate well into blender (like her nose and lip presets)
2. This shot is after I brought it into Photoshop and used my basic actions (topaz clean, smart sharpen, and camera raw filter). This is also where I separate the subject from the background for easy editing, and blur the background (I usually use tilt and field blur, I also added motion to this one since she’s in a bustling city)
3. I’m in Procreate now and use the start (and early motivation and excitement) to get the fixing work done. Smoothing the harsh lines of the clipping with the smudge tool and parts of her face that don’t look right with Liquify
4. The fun parts begin and I get started on drawing the hair (I also smudge the hair underneath to blend better with the hair I draw on) and begin pulling colors from her skin and drawing on top of them with a noise brush for texture. I made some adjustments to the background and the lighting as well since I was focusing on the skin and wanted the lighting just right
5. This was when the skin got FUN because I added the blushing and started really going ham on the cheek bones and her freckles. Fixed her features some more with liquify and really made sure the hair blended with the background as I drew a lot of it in myself. (At this point in the process I was both so in love with her and so fucking tired I knew I should stop before I went too far lol)
6. And then the final adjustments were made! I use Curves at the start, then I move on to using a Gradient Map to adjust contrast, and my favorite parts are using blurs and Ambient Occlusion to really make everything blend seamlessly. I love adding fog to my shots, it blends the subject with the background and really adds a more natural touch to the setting. I color the fog to match the mood, in this case a very desaturated blue. Final touch is sharpening the image and adding noise for that real picture effect I love. (Both the background and the subject get different levels of noise as well)
I don’t know for sure but I believe the time it took to finish her took about 5 hours total, and I hope this gives some insight into what I do! I’d be happy to answer any more editing questions, it’s truly my favorite part! Thank you again for reaching out and I hope you have the best day too! You definitely made mine ☺️
#seriously I will answer any and all editing questions#fucking love this shit#anon#LOVELY anon#asks#editing tips#editing tutorial#tutorial#sims 4 process#process#ts4 process
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Jackie in Japan - Kyoto (First Visit)
I made a post on my second visit to Kyoto the other day, which you can read here. In connection to this, I asked whether people would like to read about my first visit and @solarsavoy wanted to. So, here we are.
This post is based off of my diary entries from Saturday February 3 and Sunday February 4 2018. I didn't know as much about Japan and Japanese culture as I do now. I wasn't as good a writer either. But you won't see this. This is a translated and filtered version of my experiences, combined with what memories I have.
Like with my second visit, I arrived in Kyoto by shinkansen, but from the direction of Tokyo instead of Fukuoka. We had been up at 4am to catch that train at.. around 6am or so, maybe a bit earlier than that. We were 8 coming from Tokyo and then we had a local guide for each day. Our first guide was a guy who could speak English really well. As my Japanese wasn't as good at the time, he was easier to talk to.
We started out by visiting Fushimi Inari Taisha, the shrine I finished my last visit by going to. Our guide taught us how to pray at a shinto shrine. Throw in a coin (5 yen is best for good fortune). Then you have to clap twice and bow twice (I keep forgetting the order!) then you make your wish and bow once more. There is a mountain on the shrine grounds and some in my group climbed it, but I didn't feel like it and stayed behind. I wasn't the only one in my group who did that. Our guide stayed with us.
After this and after having lunch, we went to Kiyomizudera (Kiyomizu temple). What I remember best is the huge crowd. There were so many people. We had to pay to get in, I got in for free because the rules on whether disabled people get free entry or not seem a bit vague, and I guess the guy I had to pay felt pity on me or something. There were 3... springs or fountains. I don't remember the English word used then. Each would give you luck within one aspect. One is for health, one is for love and the third is for studies. We were told that if we drank from all 3, it would turn into misfortune instead. That makes sense, considering all the Japanese folktales about greed.
Around Kiyomizudera we also saw a lot of people in kimono. I asked the guide why so many wore them here and he said that Kyoto is the only place where it is not considered weird to wear kimono normally as there is a mix between traditional and modern culture in this city that is not seen as clearly anywhere else.
We did go to another shrine as night was about to fall, but I don't remember what it's called. I just remember we went up a bunch of stairs to get there, and there were many lanterns under a roof. I have a picture of it though. Believe me, I've tried to find out what it's called.
On the folowing day we went to Kinkaku-ji (Kinkaku temple) which is painted completely gold. It's by a pond and looks really beautiful. There was also a hole where people could try to throw in coins for luck. I should have thrown 5-yen-coins, but I knew there was no way I would hit that hole, so I just threw a couple of 1-yen coins. I did draw a fortune though. I'm sure some of you have seen how people do that in anime. I got "half luck".
We then went to Ryouanji, which is most famous for its stone garden. I have heard it said that people say there are 15 stones in the garden, but one can only ever count 14. People also took pictures of a room inside the building. If someone can tell me why that was, I'm willing to learn.
We went home after that. I only really remember the first two places clearly. The rest are a bit of a blur. I was too exhausted after that to do anything and spent a few days picking the pieces of myself up and gluing them back together. Thinking on it like that, I'm glad I went, but I'm even gladder that I went back the other day. And I probably should go back again in the future.
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hi! i was wondering how you made the cool headings for your writing updates :)
(also those BB excerpts are sooo good!!!)
Hello! First, thank you! 🥺 I’m so amazed at the love that project is getting, y’all don’t even knowww how much that means to me (I started writing this while I was experiencing some Personal Horrors & everyone’s comments have really gotten me through it!! :’))
As for the banners, I make them in Photoshop and am a little extra about it, but you could 100% emulate this in Canva (at least for the first one).
For this one:
I found an image, cropped it so I could fit the text without any of the frames in the way, then did some font work. The fancy thing about the font is that I duplicated it, made it a very pale yellow, added Gaussian blur & then set it to screen & lowered the opacity to create the text glow. Canva has a feature like this tho lol so you don’t have to be as intense about it! I then passed one of Lightroom filters I made myself over it.
This one was a bit more extra. No glow on this since the picture is in the sun already, but I added an inner shadow to the text and an outer glow so it looks like the words have been carved into the wall. Don’t think there’s an automated feature like that in other programs. Lightroom filter was the last step as always.
I am this extra because I love photoshop sm LOL but they do take like 20 mins sometimes!!!
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omg I love love love your most recent edit so much!🖤 do you think you'd consider doing a short tutorial on how you made it? specifically the last gif where the background sort of fades in and the words also fade in.
omg thank you so much this means a lot :’))), i’m really not good at doing tutorials because i suck at explaining myself, but i’ll try telling you the way i did it and hope it helps! (also english isn't my first language so i'm sorry if i make any mistake)
so i like to first do the text effect before doing the gif behind
open photoshop, file > new, these are my settings:
2. i like to add a color fill layer next, use black color
3. i’m gonna write the text first. I used Helvetica (I don’t exactly remember the settings i used, since i didn’t save it) so hope this helps:
BY THE WAY, i have to mention that my photoshop and in general my laptop sometimes suck. So 6.5 is big for me, but it’s possible that might be too little for you. Just adjust it the way you like it.
4.
anyways, now that you have your text i like to do a copy of the text > Control + J.
then, rasterize the layer. (right click on your mouse)
5. at this point you should have your timeline opened, then click create video timeline, you should click right here on the three dots (convert to frame animation)
OK SO BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE, i forgot to mention but you need to cut each letter, just like this:
now that everything is in order, go to your timeline and click
when i first made the original gif there were around 253 layers (it was long asf) but had to cut it because it was over 10mb. once you duplicated the original frame, it's gonna look like this:
Select the first layer and then lower the opacity to 10%
second layer - 20%
3rd - 20% (start with the 2nd letter, first layer 10%)
4th - 40% (2nd letter, first layer 20%) (third letter, 10%)
5 - 60% (second letter, 40%) (third letter, 20%) (4th letter 10%)
6 - 80% (second letter, 60%) (third letter, 40%) (4th letter 20%) (5th letter 10%)
7 - 100% (second letter, 80%) (third letter, 60%) (4th letter 40%) (5th letter 20%)
8. (second letter, 100%) (third letter, 80%) (4th letter 60%) (5th letter 40%)
9. (third letter, 100%) (4th letter 80%) (5th letter 60%)
it's gonna look like this:
i know its confusing so i'm sorry if i'm not explaining myself well:(
and you will have to do the same process with the whole text.
for the background fading i used this gif overlay:
open it, then on each layer apply this settings:
filter > blur > motion blur
duplicate each layer until it matches the ones of your original gif. let's say, you have 180 layers, make 180 layers.
to copy and paste on your original gif just do this:
Control + G > layer mode- screen
and that's all i did!
sorry if i made this more confusing than i should've, it's almost midnight hfdsjakdh if you want me to explain it more let me know and i will try to make instead a video doing step by step!
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how did you make your colouring from this post (post/661291720042037248/holt-peralta-we-need-to-talk-jake-i-know) it's so vibrant <3
omg hi! amazing question. i made that set what feels life forever ago and apparently did Not save the psd for it. so lemme just attempt to recreate it real quick so i can try and actually figure that out for myself akshfkas
okay. i am not good at explaining things and my photoshop efforts are mostly just move sliders around and hope for the best. so. sorry in advance, hope this makes sense, etc etc.
curves!
depending on the gif and my overall mood, i go between doing the white and dark eye dropper method thing or just manually colouring it, and with this gif? i found it easier to do it manually!
i usually start on the blue panel, because 90% of what i work with has always got a yellow filtering kinda look to it, so that's usually easiest to start with! move the bottom right slider until you're happy with it! usually i stop it around where it goes from blue tinge to Blue. that happy medium spot.
then rinse and repeat on the red panel, then green! then after add some brightness w the RGB panel!
selective colour!
this ones usually more to your personal taste, just go batshit with whatever you want tbh. add some depth with some black to start with, then i go to add some reds and yellows, and since jake's wearing blue, i mess around with that too, also some magenta for fun, then finishing with the white and neutral! literally whatever you want!
(gif? doesn't look like its changing? idk idk. moving on.)
colour balance!
v important, really helps the gif go from looking like a hot mess to like an actual edit attempt! deepen the background with shadows, try bring everything together with the mid tones, make your preferred colours pop with the highlights!
exposure!
throw some exposure in to make it a bit brighter whilst also trying also to not make it Too Bright.
extras!
okay so i still want some colours to be brought out and it to look a Certain Way still. so i just added some more selective colour red + yellows, plus another 2 layers of curves!
hue/saturation!
still want to get the yellow and red Just Right, so slap some hue/sat layers on there!
bonus vibrance!
honestly not completely necessary and 7 times out of 10 i forget about vibrance, but i remembered today, so i added it! just to wherever it looks right for you!
then slap over some text and do your sharpening (+ guassian blur) method and you're good to go!
#feel like i didnt explain honestly anything but i need you to know its because i do all this for literally no reason#and therefore: have no reasonings. which is NOT helpful for you#but i cannot stress enough how much of this is just slide things until they look right to you!!!!!#m#text#also am sorry for the late reply :( i was working all weekend when you sent this <3 hopefully u still see this
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daddy issues
It's been a long two weeks. Visited a bunch of old friends, some of them are still in church, some of them have been hurt by church. A battle of "God wants more for you" vs "God made you this way and He loves you". I don't know what to do with it. I'm trying to navigate dating again, I'm trying to love myself, I'm trying to open my heart up again but I feel it shut.
But she - Lets call her S, fell through the cracks, and I've formed a connection - a bond, a comfort, a familiarity. The entire time I was away, we sent each other voice notes before bed, updating each other about our day. I love America and I love my friends and I had such a great time there, but listening to her voice notes was one of the highlights of my day everyday I was there. And I found myself smiling the entire time I listened to them. Our friendship confuses me. We're close, but we're also not. I'm not like a best friend to her cause our friendship is new. But I'm vulnerable around her albeit not usually my full self. And I don't know if thats because I'm still guarded or if it's because I want her to like me too, and I'm constantly afraid that I'm one mistake away from her deciding to leave me too.
I went on a couple of dates. One of them was in Dave and Busters. Our conversation was alright, we played some games, he started touching me a little bit to break that barrier, we walked towards his car to "listen to music". I know the playbook. We listened to music, and his fingers inched closer to my hand and then we interlocked. He asked if I would mind if he kissed me, and I said I wouldn't mind. But the entire time we kissed, I felt nothing. He's the second guy I've kissed in the last few months that I've felt nothing for. But when S and I kiss, something within my body just... ignites. It's different. It's different from the first time I kissed my ex, or the first time I kissed my best friend. Those times, I literally felt like my heart was going to go into cardiac arrest.
The first girl I kissed was my best friend. Her and I have a chemistry that seems to transcend this lifetime. We laugh until our bellies hurt, about nothing. We make jokes that make no sense that quickly turns into a plethora of inside jokes. We argue about all sorts of things because she loves to debate and instigate. She's rough around the edges and doesn't often have a filter or have much grace to change her mind or show empathy. And many people dislike her for it. But something about our chemistry aligns in that aspect that, eventhough she has said some of the most hurtful things anyone has said to me in this life, I never got mad at her for it. Cause I just get her.
The first time we kissed was exactly how my first kiss with my ex went. We were sleeping in the same bed, music was playing, it seems like we're both half asleep. but suddenly we inch closer and closer, until our lips touch. and then in an instance, our lips reach out to each other - and we're deep in it. When S and I kissed, it was very much.. intentional. She confronted me about there being a little bit more between us than just a friendship, which she was opened to exploring. and she literally said "just kiss me". It was intentional, and we were both very much aware and awake.
Thing about me and S is.. we're friends. but we didn't get to the point of being best friends before we got intimate. We were just friends, and one thing led to another. and we mutually agreed to become friends with benefits. It's an understatement to say that I'm bloody attracted to every inch of her and everything about her. But we continued growing our friendship. And now the lines are so blurred, it's a mere smudge. We talk everyday, as friends. We talk on the phone all night until the break of dawn, as friends. Most of our conversation is friendly. But then it gets flirty, and then it gets intimate, and then she asks me to stay on the phone with her so she isn't alone. And I do just simply want to be that for her. I want her to know that I care about her so much and I would choose her. over and over and over no matter what. And even as I say that, the sick reality is, it doesn't have to be her. I wish it could and would be her, but I think I just want someone who I choose and who would choose me. Yeah, she has flaws. We would definitely fight, we would definitely trigger each other. But I would choose her. and I would hold her hand on the plane when turbulence hits, and I'd always make sure her snack box is stocked with her favourite things, and I'd always make sure I listen. I would choose her.
But I'm a hopeless romantic. And I have a lot of love to give. and it's so difficult for me to find a connection with someone. So when I do, when I find someone I like and they like me too, I'm invested and I'm committed. But this is different. We're consensually non-exclusive. I've never done this before. I've never been the jealous kind - until she says she's excited about dating again. "They'll never be me, and I'll never be them" is what I tell myself. and it's true. She says that its secure of me to say that. I'm confident in our connection and ultimately, I'll always allow her to do whatever she wants. Cause I don't ever want to beg someone to love me. Not again. In my last relationship, I begged for them to stay, every single week for 2 years. I stooped so low. How fucking sad is that? To beg someone to love you. Even God didn't do that. There can't be love if there's no free will.
But I hope this amounts to something.
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