#i also have not done anything or have no health conditions that would be causing this

[animeyanderelover]

Can I ask  NSFW headcanon for Muzan? Thank You 😊

What would the reaction be like if Yoriichi, Muzan, Carla and Reiji with a s/o who had an extremely complicated pregnancy, they almost lost their s/o and the baby, pls pls 🤧

I am no doctor so I would appreciate any corrections of errors I might have made. This might also be somewhat more extreme but I went with what I found on the internet.

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, toxic relationship, abduction, manipulation, gaslighting, clinginess, controlling behavior, pregnancy, forced pregnancy, labor, high-risk pregnancy, premature labor, birth, cannibalism, illness, cardiac arrest, C-section

Tags: @leveyani @kanaosprotector

Extremely complicated pregnancy

Reiji Sakamaki

☕️A life with Reiji is thoroughly scheduled as he always needs to have control over every little thing in your life. The already tight leash you had on you only becomes tighter the moment you manage to get pregnant with his child. He oversees everything strictly in your life from that day on from the food you consume to the drinks you choose. He’s very adamant that you stay healthy and deliver him a healthy child. A child that he has been planning to have with you for a longer time now. He has read every available source, he has created a diet schedule for you and he feels validated in his speculation and research when you actually find yourself craving occasionally blood which he immediately provides you with since you carry a vampire baby. You normally refuse the consumption of blood from humans because you’re still human yourself which leads always to him forcing it past your lips and down your throat. Consider the health of your baby before being such an unreasonable and neglectful mother-to-be. His own mother always ignored him so Reiji is extremely dedicated to ensure that you are a good mother to his own child.

☕️The first few months of the pregnancy go rather well. Besides the common morning sickness, some headaches and mood swings the baby develops healthily inside your womb. Reiji monitors everything extremely closely and you have him checking on your condition and the condition of the little one almost daily. Whenever you lash out on him due to his restricting schedules, he always quickly puts you back in your place by sharply scolding you for your immature behavior. He's designing the nursery room for the baby, accompanies you whenever he deems that it's time for you to take a walk outside and get some fresh air. The baby starts visibly moving around and kicking your insides when you are 19 weeks along and from that day on Reiji even starts observing the movements of the baby because any lack of it or very frequent movements can also indicate whether the baby is feeling fine or not. He has even already chosen a handful of names although he decides to wait until the baby is born and he can see them for the first time.

☕​It's within your fifth month that you start experiencing complications. There is an increase in your headache, you suffer from shortness of breath, your vision is blurry or you see dark spots dancing in front of your eyes and you also experience abdominal pain. You would like to think that this is normal but you can't deny that some of those symptoms scare you and the way Reiji's eyes narrow when you are forced to tell him about it only adds to your growing anxiety. When he runs some tests on you and realizes that your blood pressure is elevated, he starts getting worried. This shouldn't happen. He has always hated it when something didn't go according to his plan but your current pregnancy only heightens the stress he is feeling because right now he can't afford that anything goes wrong. The slight panic he initially feels manifests itself into accusations against you as he questions if you have done something that has caused your high blood pressure. His preparations should have been perfect. It is not his fault.

☕​Soon he is too busy closely monitoring your increasingly worsening condition to put the blame on you though as your symptoms have worsened. Your vision randomly blurs or darkens, your headache has led to increased nausea and has made it difficult for you to stomach food, your hands and face have swollen and Reiji has even started suspecting that the blood supply to your placenta doesn't work as it should. The baby doesn't grow and develop as it should due to the lack of blood supply and with each passing week he starts worrying more and more about it. He tries everything he can think of to cease your dizziness and your nausea, the abdominal pain and the lacking blood supply to your placenta but nothing seems to really work. There is no medicine or cure to your symptoms and when Reiji realizes that he can't do anything, the only choice he is left with is trying to prolong the pregnancy long enough to guarantee the survival of his darling and his baby. He starts mentally preparing himself to perform a C-section on you if worst should come to worst.

☕​The worst case scenario happens in your 33rd week when premature labor starts together with intense abdominal pain. You are weakened from weeks of dizziness, nausea and stress and the sheer exhaustion from labor proves too much for you as you faint after a few hours. This leaves Reiji with pretty much no choice but a Caesarean section, especially since the fetus is in breech position. Normally he would be pretty confident in his skills but there is too much on the line for him and this stops him from staying as level-headed as he would like. The little girl he pulls out from your womb during the surgery is worringly small even if she is a prematurely born baby. The most difficult step should have been overcome but instead dread fills him when he notices that she isn't breathing. Suddenly he feels like he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders as he spends minutes trying to keep the baby alive until his daughter finally manages to breathe independently and starts weakly crying and even then he can't allow himself to relax. Neither you nor the baby are out of health risks after all.

☕​You are quite weakened after the difficult pregnancy and the surgery and it takes you a few weeks until you feel somewhat healthy enough again to walk longer distances without any help and do certain tasks without experiencing any pain. Just because you can theoretically do it though doesn't mean by a long shot that Reiji will let you. He has become overly cautious after the birth. He's extremely skittish whenever he monitors the health of the baby due to her breathing issues upon birth and worried for any lasting damage she might have suffered due to her restricted development in your womb. You find yourself spending the first few weeks after the surgery mostly spending time with your daughter whilst Reiji is doing everything else. He monitors the health of his darling and their daughter, he cooks for his s/o and he assists whenever and however he can. He feels stressed out even after the condition of you and the baby stabilize because in his mind he can't stop agonizing over the fact that he could do little to nothing to help you in any way.

Carla Tsukinami

🔮​If you wind up being Carla's darling and can biologically bear children, prepare yourself for giving him a child. Carla expects his darling to give him a healthy and strong heir and there will be no room for discussion. You will bear him his child and you will be a good and attentive mother to his baby. All of this happens only after Carla has already broken your mind down enough for you to be completely putty in his hold. Pregnancy is the final step, the final claim he can lay on you to mark you for all eternity as his and at that point you will happily accept his wish of wanting a baby with you. You love him after all and you're sure that you'll love a child with the same golden eyes as his just as much. It is extremely pleasing to see your quick embrace of the idea and he wastes very little time after he has told you about his plans to see it through that you are pregnant as soon as possible. It doesn't take long for him until he senses the new life deep within your womb. He couldn't be more pleased in that moment.

🔮​Similar to Reiji, Carla will be very controlling as soon as he has confirmed that you are expecting his heir. You are always kept within his vicinity and you aren't allowed to go anywhere without informing him. He wouldn't want anything to happen to you, especially with his brother around. That rarely happens though as you are pretty obedient and listen to him which means that you allow him to lead you outside and go for a walk. You feel pretty sick quite often and spend a lot of time on the toilet whenever nausea grabs a hold of you. Shin has made fun of you once when he saw you hanging over the toilet which struck the wrong cord in you in that moment and actually led you to shed tears of shame. You only know that Carla wasn't too pleased when you started crying because of Shin and told you that he'd talk with his brother. Ever since Shin has been trying his best to not say anything within your presence although he looks like he has a lot of snarky stuff he could say. You spend a large amount of time only with Carla though, basking in his affection and joy due to your pregnancy.

🔮​As soon as your bump really starts showing is when other symptoms start to appear. Your hunger increases significantly as soon as the baby bump shows and this makes it difficult for you since Carla has put you on a diet to keep you and the baby healthy. You have troubles keeping your temper under control when he initially always denies you your cravings but you try your best to stay quiet. Until the intense craving for blood starts one day and you start feeling sluggish and weak. That is when Carla starts paying more attention to your cravings. You’re only human, you would under normal conditions never want to consume blood. Is it the baby that makes you crave blood? He has obviously speculated how a pregnancy with a vampire baby would go for your mortal body but speculations don’t necessarily have to line up with the reality. He decides to give in to your new cravings this time as he notices how your energy gets drained. The blood seems to replenish your energy for a while.

🔮The bigger the baby swells though, the more it seems to drain your energy. You grow more tired and exhausted with each month that passes by no matter how much blood Carla lets you consume or how much you eat. Very little of the food you digest is actually used for your own energy as the baby seems to take all the nutrients it needs and leaves very little for you. You lose weight and feel dizzy and exhausted whilst the baby is thriving. Soon it starts getting so bad that you can’t even walk properly on your own anymore without the danger of collapsing. Carla has to assist you even when you go to the toilet and despite your weak protest and tears of shame, he doesn’t allow you anything anymore without his help. The baby sucks everything out of you, he can see your clear struggle everyday as your energy drops and your pain increases due to the heavy weight of the baby inside of you and its strong kicks that feel like it’ll burst out of you any moment. The closer you get to your due date, the weaker and thinner you become. This isn’t good.

🔮Miraculously you make it to your due date until your water breaks but it comes with a heavy price. You’re exhausted, you’re tired and you barely have any energy left to even push properly. All of this is made even worse by the fact that the baby has grown a lot whilst it was protected inside of you. They are big which makes the entire process even more arduous as your body tries its hardest to squeeze the infant out of your body and down your birth channel. When the shoulders of the baby get stuck though and prevent you from giving birth to the baby, everything takes quickly a turn for the worse. Nothing seems to help. That’s when Carla takes action, fully aware that being stuck could end up harming the baby. You can vaguely recall the burning feeling when he abruptly reaches his hand out into your vagina in an attempt to turn the baby around. It’s a painful and uncomfortable feeling that is the final push you need before you finally succumb to unconsciousness which leaves Carla alone to guide the baby out of your body.

🔮You suffer from a fourth-degree tear and malnutrition for weeks after birth which leaves you completely bedridden under Carla’s guidance. His son on the other hand suffered from fractures to his upper arm bone. All of this is rather upsetting and frustrating to Carla who didn’t expect a shoulder dystocia to occur during the birth of his own heir. He spends nearly all of his time in his chambers where he nurses you and the baby back to health. Shin rarely runs into his older brother for that reason. Every time he does spot Carla, he’s always tempted to ask him mockingly how you and his nephew are doing, considering that you went through all of this hell only because of Carla’s wish for an heir. The piercing glare Carla gives him whenever he opens his mouth to ask that question keeps him from doing so though. The younger Tsukinami brother isn’t allowed to visit you and the little boy either, especially not when neither of you has fully recovered. Until that day comes, no one will see you two.

Kibutsuji Muzan

🩸​There have never been any records of demons and humans procreating. If there would have been, Muzan as the King of Demons would have known about it. Technically speaking he has no real need nor any interest in any children of his own. He doesn't need any heir for he is immortal and doesn't plan to ever give up his position to anyone else for he plans to become the perfect existence. Perhaps there is a spark of curiosity though as soon as he has you in his life as it is a thought that often crosses his mind when he dumps his cum inside of you. He has a fondness for science after all but none of it has ever led him to actively try for a baby with you. Then one day he senses the little heartbeat inside of you, senses the new life that has been spawned in your womb. Whilst he isn't actively thrilled about the pregnancy and might even consider an abortion, ultimately it is his scientific interest that manages to stop him from removing the thing from you. A part of him hopes that this child will be able to develop an immunity against the sun due to being only a half demon.

🩸​Since Muzan has always gotten his way with you, you are left with little to no choice but accept his decision to keep the child for now. Your feelings about the little baby currently developing inside of you are confusing as you despise him for forcing you to keep it. Yet you bow down in fear whenever you are faced with his displeasure when he sees you expressing those feelings and thoughts in front of him. This little life inside of you has been directly created by him and perhaps this plays a large fact in why he won't tolerate you thinking about it in such a way. Because the baby will have more from him than any of the demons he has created throughout his entire life. Muzan views himself in the highest light, as a near god, so something that will have his genetics must be strong too. You don't seem to realize that your unwillingness to embrace the thought of having his child will only make him more determined to keep it since he won't allow you to reject something that has been directly created by him.

🩸​Too prideful to show any lingering questions he has in regards of the unique biology his baby will have due to being created by a demon and a human, Muzan just monitors your pregnancy very closely. Partially because of his fascination to finally know that such a pregnancy will be like and partially because he doesn't know what might happen. It is this selfish mindset that soon leads you down a path of misery. Your body is unable to handle the creature inside your womb that seems to suck out all the energy and proteins meant for you whenever you force something down your throat despite your growing nausea. The growth spurt the baby has is abnormal for the first few months but all of this comes with the cost of your own decline of health. Everything is painful and everything is tiring and the little baby is incredibly strong starting from their first kicks. At this rate it is already far too late for Muzan to do anything. Through your pain and your exhaustion you sometimes bitterly blame him for what he puts you through but you never get any apology from him and you know exactly why. He would never admit it after all.

🩸​Then everything suddenly stops though. The growth of your bump and the kicks and hits of the baby inside. There is suddenly no movement anymore at all and despite your not so positive feelings, you slowly start to worry about it. Your own condition isn't improving too greatly though as your food either gets thrown up by you or still seems to be received by the fetus instead. Muzan has already noticed it too. He can still sense the heartbeat within but to his own growing dread it seems to get weaker by the days. His mind is racing as to why and the steadily weakening condition of you and the baby only seem to be a reminder that the time he has to find a solution is limited. Eventually he starts considering that the baby you bear is technically still a demon too. He starts considering that the baby might have reached a phase within their development where the current food you consume isn't sufficient enough anymore. Maybe they need some human flesh. Even though you refuse when he first brings up his theory, Muzan doesn't care as he shoves it from that day on down your throat and to his satisfaction his idea was right.

🩸​Yet he can't enjoy the fact that his theory was right for too long. Your body, unable to handle the large amount of energy and nutrition the baby steals from it, goes into premature and sudden labor in the seventh month. Neither of you two two are prepared for it and even the baby seems to be unhappy about your body giving up on them as they start making a ruckus inside your womb, only adding to the pain you are already feeling. Muzan is unable to calm the irritated baby down. Everything happens too fast for him to even prepare anything. Your body is in a rush to expel the baby from inside you and their frequent and wild movement only cause them to slide down your birth channel faster. The frequent activity of your baby soon comes to a hold though. Their umbilical cord got flattened and Muzan is met with deafening silence when the bloody infant lays in his arms. It is this silence that makes him suddenly lose his composure as the motionless child reminds him vividly of his own birth. Not his own child too. He spends minutes frantically reanimating the infant before she finally lets out her first weak cries.

🩸If your own condition should have worsened any more, Muzan probably would have turned you into a demon. Somehow your fragile body pulled through though and in a way he’s relieved about that. Because for now it would be more beneficial to let you stay human and care for the little girl you gave birth to. With her black hair and her red and bleary eyes she looks a lot like Muzan and perhaps it’s her visible similarity to him that fills his heart with pride. She recovers quicker than you from her troublesome birth, probably because she is half demon. Her appetite is as insatiable as it was during her time in your womb though and to your slight horror she still has her preferences to the taste of human blood and flesh together with your breastmilk. Muzan gives her what you don’t want to give her as he has realized that she probably needs the different nutrients to develop properly just like she needed whilst being in your belly. Now that the baby is born, he forbids you from expressing any hesitation and confusion when you’re taking care of her. This girl is his own flesh and blood and he won’t tolerate you not loving her who is so much like him.

Tsugikuni Yoriichi

☀️Pregnancy should be a joyful occasion for parents yet despite the expected happiness and joy Yoriichi feels when it becomes known that you are expecting his child, there is also a gnawing fear that haunts him. He can't help but recall the heart-wrenching fate that befell Uta and the unborn baby. Even if he has you now in his life, this is a memory he is unable to forget as he often still blames himself for their deaths through the hand of a demon. The slow growth of your bump triggers those haunting memories and sometimes he dreams of the same scene he saw when he returned home to Uta, only that it is now your body torn apart with the precious child murdered before it even had the chance to live. Yoriichi becomes very protective and paranoid over you as he doesn't think that he could bear a repeat of what has already once happened to him. There is always this underlying fear and paranoia that make him much more aware of his surroundings even as he rejoices when he witnesses the first kicks of his baby. His katana is always kept close, especially when night comes where he finds himself often lying awake.

☀️​As winter is already awaiting, Yoriichi makes an effort to keep you warm and protected and your home as cozy as possible. He never leaves you as soon as the sun goes down as he now knows better. All tasks are usually finished within the day so that he can stay by your side and protect you as soon as it gets dark. Despite his efforts to always keep you warm and healthy though, you seem to catch a cold. It is nothing to be worried over though. You have a light headache, your throat hurts whenever you swallow and you cough. You are not really worried though and even assure Yoriichi that it'll pass by soon. Despite feeling already a bit more fatigued due to your pregnancy and now your illness, you still feel fine. You decide to stay inside nevertheless as he fetches you a doctor to monitor your condition. After all you know of his loss of his first pregnant wife so you try to make him feel better and calmer by letting a doctor tell him that you are fine and that you will be fit in a few days again. When Yoriichi returns with the doctor, you feel slightly febrile.

☀️​What should have been only a mild cold soon turns into a serious condition though. Maybe it is because you are pregnant and are just more prone to bacteria yet such explanations do nothing to help Yoriichi's terrified heart. Despite your weak protests to leave the room so he doesn't catch what you have, he stays faithfully with you as your fever soon feels like it is burning your skin and sweat coats your skin. Every swallow is a small challenge as it brings you uncomfortable pain and you are often thrown into coughing fits, your throat coated with phlegm and constantly itching in a dry way. With your worse condition, Yoriichi has asked the doctor to come by every day. He does whatever he can do to help you. He cooks for you and feeds you even if you should have no hunger or simply feel too tired and he heads the advices of the doctor when giving you the medicine that should help your condition. His chest is tight with fear and worry as he feels anxious whenever he sees your bump and wonders how your sick body may also negatively impact the baby.

☀️​Perhaps it is just his fate to watch helplessly as he loses everyone he loves in his life. First his brother, then Uta and his unborn child and now you and the baby you are carrying. Yoriichi can only watch helplessly how you grow weaker and weaker as the days pass by. Your lips are chappy and dry and your skin coated in ill sweat as your whole body is uncomfortably hot due to your fever. Yet even in this condition you try to soothe Yoriichi in his silent despair and promise him that it'll soon get better even as he has to support your weak body when you want to walk around. Your sick appearance always tears his heart apart, his sorrow growing by the day yet he tries to stay strong for you. But this thin threat snaps when your contractions start at only 30 weeks. His whole body is shaking and silent tears cascade down his face as a the doctor and a midwife he brought with him try their best to help you to deliver the baby. He feels small, insignificant and terrifyingly helpless as he stays by your side and with every scream and cry you let out he thinks he is more desrving of death for not being able to save anyone in his life.

☀️​Even after you have made it through birth and have delivered a little boy does his torment continue. Your health plummets down after labor as your body is left severely weakened after the physical exertion that leaves you in a nearly unconscious state as you are too exhausted and sick to even leave. Your sickness soon spreads out to his newborn son and even if his heart is already tattered and torn enough, Yoriichi only continues to suffer. Wherever he goes, he is only reminded of his cursed fate. He spends his time either catering to your needs, his heart screaming whenever you ask in your weak condition for your son or he silently watches over the baby whose little body is desperately battling against the deadly cold. He is too terrified to fall asleep anymore at night, too afraid to wake up one morning to your cold body or to the motionless body of his baby. Instead he lays awake at night, his heart beating anxiously as he listens to your troubled breaths and the breaths of the little baby. Sometimes it becomes too much for him and he is left muffling his sobs with his hand at night.

☀️​Many days pass before you finally start feeling better. You're still feeling slightly feverish but you are able to move by yourself anymore. Yoriichi, who is feeling an overwhelming urge to hug you, kiss you and show you how grateful he is that you are still alive, has to hold himself back as you aren't fully cured yet and still need recovery. You're finally able to interact with your son and the sight of you holding the child that both of you created is a small remedy for his bruised and broken heart, even if the baby is also still sick. He slowly starts recovering though together with you as he receives all the love and care he could possibly get from you, Yoriichi and the doctor. It still takes weeks until his son as well as you are fully recovered and well again and for the first time in a while he feels like he can see the light again. Despite his own exhaustion and tiredness from all his fear he is especially attentive and loving with you and his little son. He just wants the both of you to know how much it really means to him that both of you are still alive and with him.

#yandere diabolik lovers #yandere dl #yandere reiji #yandere reiji sakamaki #yandere carla #yandere carla tsukinami #yandere demon slayer #yandere kimetsu no yaiba #yandere kny #yandere muzan #yandere kibutsuji muzan #yandere yoriichi #yandere tsugikuni yoriichi

[brokenpieces-72]

Monster!141 x female! Jackalope/wendigo reader

CW/TW: poor eating habits, mentions of eating, mentions of human meat, crying, younger reader, note: in no way am I intending to offend anyone.

This was inspired by both @diejager and @bluegiragi and includes the reader character Hunter. This is also my first fanfiction being posted here and I have a couple to come if this one goes well.

A program is set up for hybrids that are considered difficult to control or dangerous to be around in public. Usually this is when their current living conditions are deemed as unsafe.

A jackalope with little knowledge of their own self fits both sides so locations and positions are set up for them to be in a safe controlled environment to learn how to keep themselves under control.

Price isn’t exactly happy when Laswell brings this to him. He’s not a babysitter and neither are his men. She explains to him there is little to be done and while she doesn’t agree with sending a vulnerable, uneducated, untrained teenager to a military base that deals with monsters, humans and hybrids alike, there isn’t much she can do either. Thankfully she does have some say in it, able to choose who comes on to the base. The files for candidates are sent to Price as well for review and upon looking at yours with a very dark and concerning past, he considers tossing it aside. Then he sees what hybrid you are. Having a few encounters in his past with hybrids like you he figures it would be safer taking you in then letting someone else get to you.

You do receive some training before transferring with a Retainer/handler who watches over you and determines whether you are ready to integrate into society. You aren’t sure if this will really help you join society but you figure it’s better someone taking you in rather than staying in the program. Price intends to put you to work after all and the location isn’t without risk. You’re told there are other hybrids on base, and you assume there will be at least a couple.

The first person you meet is Nikolai, the pilot for the awkward bumpy flight to base. He’s almost twice your height, plenty of people you have met are. You’re not very tall so not surprising, but you aren’t very used to people. Part of the program especially for you is keeping you isolated from most humans. His friendly attitude towards you is a little startling but you warm up to it quickly.

The flight was mostly your retainer setting ground rules and briefing you on what you will be doing. You would be training with him mostly, and doing everything he says. No stuffing your face, meals kept strict, and no seconds or late snacks. Nikolai calls you to the front halfway through the journey and lets you sit next to him. He could overhear your conversation with the retainer, wanted to give you a break from it while wanting to learn more about you.

You don’t have much to say, cause well you haven’t done much on your own. Well you do enjoy drawing, and reading. Sometimes writing is fun but that’s mostly it so far. He tells you a bit about the 141, recounting the small tales but while hinting at what hybrids you’ll be working with.

Soon you land on the base and exit the chopper heading towards the Task Force 141. In front is a dragon hybrid and next to him is a human, both in uniform. Names are exchanged and you’re led inside the base where you meet the others. You notice he’s missing a wing and his tail wrapping around the human’s leg. As a hybrid your instincts tell you what he’s doing. You’re not a massive threat to him being so young, but his body language makes it clear the value he puts in the medic and likely the rest of his men. He read your file, so you can’t blame him for being extra protective. You keep your head down as you’re taken inside with your handler.

You’re introduced to each of the 141 including the human, who asks to do a health assessment before anything else. Your retainer is strongly against this, insisting that you’ve already been cleared and don’t require one. There’s somewhat of a back and forth between them with you simply standing there. Your handler raises his voice and you have to dig your nails into your palm to not run off. You’re wondering if your should offer your own choice or ask someone what you should do while waiting. Price puts it forward that you get a check up so that Hunter can assess your conditions first hand.

You follow Hunter to their station in the infirmary, taking you to a private room. Hunter gets many looks while you follow them from the other soldiers with a couple even following with them to the room. You meet a harpy called Gaz and a werewolf called Soap. They stick closer to Hunter almost in a protective sense. Though each of them give you an acknowledgement. Soap has never smelled a hybrid like you before, and Gaz wasn’t sure what to make of you either. Your rabbit ears and antlers were hardly a cause for alarm though. You weren’t exactly intimidating. Hunter takes you into the private room while the two hybrids wait outside, offering to help them with paperwork and taking you to wherever you need to go next. The examination is very simple, checking to see your vitals, understanding how you worked so Hunter could help you on missions, and learning any instinctual habits you may have.

When Hunter asks you to take off your hoodie and remove your shirt, you do so. Their eyes go wide upon seeing your body. Your retainer’s “work” was evident by your rib cage and flattening stomach.

“When was the last time you ate?”Hunter asks.

When you tell them the last time you ate, they excuse themselves. You wait for about 15 minutes, when there’s a knock telling you to get dressed and come out. Gaz is still there but clearly Soap had left with Hunter. He takes you to a small room for you to bunk in for the next while.

You later find out Hunter had left the room and smacked your retainer for his methods. Even Price had to get involved to keep the two from getting more violent. Hunter is certainly a force to be reckoned with when it comes to patients. The handler believes that limiting your food intake will help you keep control. Hunter doesn’t agree with starving you, but Price can’t really argue with it.

The next while you’re training, and you do everything you can to keep up. Your limits are pushed and Price isn’t about to go easy on you. Partially cause he hopes the retainer will increase your food intake. It’s a lot, and Hunter doesn’t like seeing you running laps and drills knowing you haven’t been eating much. You push yourself hard, not giving in to judgements from humans or the other hybrids. It doesn’t matter if you’re the last or the worst or even fail the most, you keep pushing.

Meals are strict, with small but reasonable portions for you and eating by yourself in your room. For the next while this becomes the routine, with the occasional snack being slid to you by Hunter. It does make sleep difficult and your stomach growls periodically. Soap takes notice right away how bad it is, your stomach is almost like a random alarm for him, that he can’t shut off.

“You hungry?” He asks sarcastically. You shake your head, only for your stomach to object again. Soap rolls his eyes.

“Take a couple.” He says offering you some of his snacks. When you try to turn it down, he starts insisting harder. “Come on, the noise is drivin me bloody mad. Take em, a few won’t kill ya.”

You do so, and you take another couple after. Soon enough he’s slipping you pieces of his snacks when your handler isn’t around, like chips or cookies.

You have to go to school still, off base and some jerks decided to lock in a closet. Despite your protests and pleas they decide to leave you there overnight. You have a few snacks but you can feel yourself getting increasingly hungry, and you know it won’t be long until you lose it. You try your handler but they aren’t picking up. You don’t want to but you call Soap who picks up groggily.

“The hell is callin…”

“Soap it’s me…I’m really sorry…”

“…kid? The bleeding hell you still doing up?Wait, where the ell are you?”

You explain you’re stuck and hungry and really need help.

“Alright alright…I’m on my way… you need food?”

“Yes.”

He sighs and asks what you want to eat, if there’s any comfort food you have while he’s getting his shoes and pants on.

“Are you mad…” you ask in a small voice he can just barely hear over the phone. He’s been in Highschool as a hybrid and had people pick on him, call him a mutt yank at his tail, try to get him in trouble and whatnot.

“I’m mad at the pieces of shite that did this to you. What do you want to eat?” He says. You tell him and wait patiently after he hangs up.

Gaz is woken up, and looks over.

“Was goin on…” Gaz asks.

“Kid is stuck at school. Literally.” Soap says, lacing his shoes.

“She have food?” Gaz mutters rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“No, so I’m getting her some.”

“What she want?”

Soap tells him and he orders it for pick up before getting dressed himself.

“What is she still doing at school?” Gaz asked pulling his hoodie on. “Little help?”

Soap helps get Gaz’s wings through the slots on his hoodie as he explains. Gaz can relate. He’s been bullied as well, and he’ll you’re a kid with a strong will. It’s not fair for you to be pushed so hard only for school to make you feel like shit. They pick up the food and head over to the school.

“Come on.” Soap jogs to the door and tries it. “Mother…they don’t check if anyone’s still inside?”

Gaz takes one of his feathers off and picks the lock. Gaz opens it and Soap shifts and gets in, as soon as he can fit through the door.

“Kid you here?” He yells. Nothing. Gaz comes up behind him.

“I want to make a lassie joke so hard right now.” Gaz admits, while Soap picks up your scent and hurries off up and down the halls, trying to figure out where you are. He starts scratching at a maintenance door. Gaz knocks on it.

“Kid you in there?” He calls.

“Y-yes!” You call back.

“We’re gonna help you okay? Just hold tight.”

“Gaz move.” Soap says. Gaz just barely gets out of the way before Soap manages to smash it in. They find you curled up and clutching your stomach. Gaz flaps away the dust before stepping over the broken remains of the door. He gives you the bag ripping it open and you hands go in quickly. You avenously eat away at the first thing you get, a still warm hashbrown . One bite and you stand up but Gaz keeps you sitting.

“Don’t choke, finish that first.” He orders. You do as he says a mutter through mouthfuls, “sorry.”

“So what exactly happened?” Soap asks.

“They pulled my ears and kept asking to see my tail… kept telling them I didn’t have one.” You mutter, finishing the hashbrown. “A few of them grabbed me and shoved me in here…kept calling me ‘bunny’ and ‘rabbit’. Said they would stuff me later.”

“No one’s stuffing anything except the assholes that did this and where it don’t shine.” Soap growls. I’m the dark it’s a little more intimidating with yellow glowing eyes. Gaz stretches a wing around you and gives you another piece of the order to munch on while helps you out of the room. You go on about how they kept messing with you in various childish ways. They had yanked your ears, played with your horns and called you a bunny breeder. Gaz and Soap get you into the backseat and encourage you to keep eating.

“You got made fun of by the teachers pet?” Soap asked a little surprised.

“He said I was the new class pet.” You say. “Then he wouldn’t stop saying I had to eat carrots and wasn’t allowed to have any of the snacks I brought.”

“You ignore em?”

“Tried, but then he started telling me I shouldn’t be snacking and had to eat ruffage.”

“Wow…” Gaz says. “You could always threaten to gnaw on his pencils.”

“Hows the food?” Soap calls from the front.

“Good. I should stop though.”

“You almost finished?” Soap says checking on you in the rear view.

“Uh…halfway?” You relay after checking the bags contents.

“Keep eating.” Soap says.

Gaz gives Soap a look.

“One meal won’t kill her.” Soap says quietly.

“Thank you for getting me.” You say.

“Hunter would have my head.”

Sadly your bonding time doesn’t go unnoticed and Price calls you all into the office. Your handler is unhappy you didn’t try contacting him first, and you stay quiet. Price chews out Soap and Gaz for B&E and property damage, until they explain what had happened to you. He’s a bit more lenient but not by much.

You, Soap and Gaz have definitely bonded more and at this point you’ve sort of become the team’s pup. Soap and Gaz teach you fight hand to hand, and they’re careful with you at first. You’re younger and smaller but you don’t hold back against them. They show you some maneuvers and Gaz uses his hardened feathers for knife training, going slow and giving you the chance to bat away his strikes. Off time is spent with them, getting a chance to go climbing or hanging out in the rec room. Soap teaches you how to play football, and Rudy and Alejandro join in as well. Soap and Alejandro definitely start showing off their speed and strength to the point you and Rudy find it safer to watch from the sidelines with Gaz. One wrong kick makes all your caution warranted, as you have to shoved Rudy over and the ball takes off part of your antler and is pierced in the process. Hunter gave Soap a very harsh talking to afterwards, and made sure you were okay.

Your handler over time becomes less and less involved with you but maintains your eating routine. He keeps your training high giving you exercises daily, that keep you busy from dusk til dawn. It’s exhausting and Hunter does express some concern to your handler who eventually gives in and increases your food intake some more.

Soap and Gaz have basically taken over your sparring sessions, keeping you trained and ready for anything. You have found a couple weaknesses when you go one on one. If Soap shifts to werewolf, you can get him with belly rubs.

Rudy had started showing you some tracking skills, and even introduced you to his dog spirits. Both spirits are weary of you at first with the red and black growling while the other stayed close to its vessel protectively. After calming them, Alejandro shifts to a panther or jaguar based on the terrain and becomes the target to track. At first he makes it easy but since you don’t hold back on Soap and Gaz he doesn’t hold back on you. You and Rudy both have to try and find him before he finds you, which is a bit of a 50-50. Your own skills as a hybrid are shown to be useful in more wild and natural terrain. In fact you become the one to be target and the two of them actual find some difficulty locating you.

“She couldn’t have gotten that far yet…” Rudy is scratching his head, genuinely dumbfounded. Alejandro shifts back next to him looking at his partner.

“Fast learner.” He says.

“Si.” Rudy sighs before jerking forward, hit in the back from behind. “Agh!”

Alejandro checked Rudy’s jacket and found a stain from a paintball. They both look up and towards where the shot had come from. There they see you behind a tree covered in dirt and mud, trying to hold back the grin on your face. The two men look at you surprised, and even Alejandro is stunned that he couldn’t detect you, while the white and blue cadejo trots over and barks at you, tugging at your clothes with his teeth. The two men look at each other baffled how you got 15 feet away from them without either noticing. Alejandro waves you over to them.

“Fall in corporal, back to base.” He calls over and you get up from your hiding spot. Your legs were dirty and…wet? The ground was damp but you were almost soaked.

“You take a bath Mija?” Alejandro asks crossing his arms.

“No sir.” You answer, shaking your head.

“You’re wet though.” Rudolfo comments, noticing the state of your pants as well.

“Yes sir.” You reply. Alejandro gives a half grin.

“Why are you wet corporal?” He asks.

“The river sir.” You answer. They hadn’t told you about the river nearby, not to mention it was a few clicks further than they had expected you to reach. You take note of their expression and shift slightly in place. “Should I not have…?”

“Por el contrario, you did very well Mija.” Rudolfo says.

“Very good.” Alejandro comments. “You cold?” He asks. You shake your head. There was a chill but it didn’t bother you. They take you back to base.

Missions go fairly well though you are often knocked down. It can be hard when you’re up against many other hybrid creatures. Ghost comes to your aid before any fatal blows can be made, consuming enemies in his shadows when he wasn’t slipping out of them to slit enemy throats. The lieutenant didn’t agree with bringing someone as young as you on missions, and hated that he was playing babysitter half the time. Ghost can sense something off about you though. Maybe it’s your smiling, or your friendliness, of this odd presence that seems to surround you like an aura. Either way, you show yourself to be a fast learner and strong soldier. Your main focus is to incapacitate enemies, even though you’ve been taught where vitals are and how to use a gun and a knife quickly.

“Would make life easier to kill… that’s what soldiers do.” He comments. You look out at the men he’s fed on. You’re quiet thinking for a moment before responding.

“If I killed all of them though…you wouldn’t get to eat as much.” You say with a cheeky smile. His expression doesn’t change.

“Don’t worry too much. Focus on your safety first.”

“Yes sir.” You say losing the smile. He’s not wrong. After that you ask Ghost for help with laying killing strikes. Not in the field but in training. He agrees mainly because you’ve shown promise and a willingness to improve yourself. Knife training with him is rough usually leading to you getting winded and on your back.

The hands on learning is honestly better than anything else though and your exercise routines just become a warm up. You look forward to everything and take everything seriously, asking questions and showing interest in what is presented to you. Weapons training is a bit daunting, as the guns are a bit heavy, but you find your skills work good with unconventional weapons. A slingshot proves strong with you, and even crossbows. Price helps you with improving your poor aim and there are times where you will spend almost an entire night just trying to hit the targets set in front of you.

Your handler is an afterthought except when you get invited to eat with them. He’s right there ready to tell you you can’t eat with them and your food is in your room. You excuse yourself and eat alone again. However on the nights he’s away you do take the opportunity to sit with them, and just bring your food out of your room. The amount while bigger is still small for a soldier, even for a teenager. Most of them assume it’s an insecurity for you so they don’t pressure you to eat more, or comment on it. Soap offers some of his snacks still.

Hunter is instructed when the handler goes on leave to give you meals he has premade for you. They have half a mind to toss them and get you to eat with everyone else, however much you wanted, but they leave the opaque container in your room as instructed.

You don’t eat any of it though. You recognize the smell and are both disturbed and distraught. No. Not that. Memories come flooding back, ones you wanted to stay buried. It takes everything not to break down, and your stomach is churning and begging for sustenance.

Do you tell someone? Would anyone believe you? Should you eat it? No of course not! But you’re so hungry and your mouth is watering. The scent makes your stomach do hard and painful flips, as if there was a grinding wheel whipping around in your belly. You try to look for snacks that you may have hung on to from Hunter but find nothing. The hunger starts to consume your thoughts faster than you’ve consumed anything. Your body starts to alter, you teeth grow sharper, your sense of smell grows stronger and you cling to yourself.

Hungry hungry hungry…starved…

You act fast and get your pillow case, tying it in your mouth, before getting your hoodie on and bolting. You’re fairly agile in your human form and your desire for sustenance drives you forward. Meat is everywhere but you don’t want it. You don’t want to want it. Any soldiers you pass, you keep your head down, and rush past them. You don’t even look up for your teammates calling for you, and instead bolt faster. You finally get outside and sprint for the woods with soldiers calling after you, and trying to stop you to figure out what’s going on. It isn’t long before your body shifts and contorts and you smell meat nearby.

Eat…eat…

Your sudden leave doesn’t go unnoticed. At first, your team saw you and thought you had to hurry somewhere or didn’t see them. Then Alejandro and Soap passed your door while talking.

“Hunter really told you no more football?” Alejandro asks.

“Won’t stop me from playan, but they did warn mae ‘bou-“ Soap and Alejandro both freeze in place smelling the food in your room, the door shut. What the fuck? They look at each other disturbed and in shock. Soap opens the door and his eyes widen in shock seeing what was inside the container.

“Steamin bloody Jesus.” He says while covering his nose and mouth with an arm. Flies buzzed around the human organs you were served in the container.

“The hell kind of diet is this, Mija?” Alejandro says under his breath. Soap puts the lid back on and takes it to Hunter. No way they would do this, but they likely knew who did.

“OI! Hunter!” Soap yells.

“Soap! Gods, please knock next ti-“

“The bloody hell is this!?” He demands holding up the container. Hunter is confused.

“The corporal’s meal? Why do you ha-“

Without wasting anymore time he sets it down and opens the lid enough for them to see. Hunter stands up from their desk quickly, and in shock.

“Soap the fuck is wrong wi-“ Hunter starts.

“The fuck kind of meal is this!” Alejandro barks.

“What?!” Hunter is just as confused.

“This is the corporal’s meal.” Alejandro clarifies.

Hunter is just as disturbed as they are and goes into the storage where the rest of your meals were being kept for the time of his leave. They found more organs and human remains. Hunter wasn’t sure whether to be pissed, disgusted or distraught.

“What the bloody… I’m taking this to Price immediately this is beyond fucked. Where’s the corporal right now?” Hunter demands to know. Soap recalls seeing you running down the hall.

“She’s run off.” Soap concludes. Hunter takes a moment to breath and calm themselves, somewhat relieved.

“She could be anywhere by now.” Alejandro adds recalling your tracking lessons.

Hunter heads for the door and the two hybrids follow as they go to the captain’s office. He looks up from some papers before standing, seeing the door open.

“The corporal is MIA.” Hunter states. Price is confused until they explain what was in the food. Price is angry, ready to roast the retainer upon his return but you are more important along with any bystanders. A search is put out and human soldiers are instructed to stay on base while Task Force 141 along with Rudy and Alejandro track you down. Price knew there was too much of a risk for regular humans to be close to you in this state.

The cadejos catch your scent and lead the search with Rudy keeping a watchful eye for any movement. Alejandro and Soap follow the scent and cadejos with Hunter riding Soap’s back to assist them. Gaz had taken to the sky trying to find you from above and cover more ground. The scent is how they follow you but they know you’re in the area by the sounds of screeches and unearthly clicking. Price hasn’t heard noises like that in a very long time. Ghost advises caution to everyone while he moves through the shadows and senses death all around them. He soon finds it as well.

At first a couple of bisected birds and bitten voles were traces. The deeper they went the bigger the animals. Soon it was small boars that had their meat stripped. There were a few large birds that had managed to escape but were bleeding. A few foxes were limping and cowering in their dens. When the team finally found you they kept their distance with Ghost being the closest to you, discovering why he had felt uneasy around you.

You were gorging yourself on the carcass of a large elk, and stuffing handfuls of blood and raw meat into your mouth savouring every bite. Dark crimson caked your mouth and hands as you continued eating, getting into your hair every time you decided to literally stuff your face. Your boney limbs and sharp fingers clawed pieces and your jagged sharp teeth tore into thicker, tougher parts. Gaz lands in one of the tall trees while Alejandro circles around slowly and quietly planning to flank you if you tried to bolt, his oanthef form slinking around in the underbrush keeping distant and cautious. Soap proceeds closer, slowly. He has Hunter on his back and at the moment was a muscled riot shield for them. You continued feeding ignoring them all, when Soap noticed the screeching had stopped and heard your muffled whimpers and sobs mixed in with the sounds of your eating.

He moves closer and closer, letting Hunter walk next to him.

You stop eating to wipe your mouth fruitlessly. That’s when you notice the large wolf standing before you, staring at you with eyes that seemed to glow in the dark. In the moonlight he could see your tears, lightly cutting through the blood and grime on your face. Your eyes were pure white, and almost void of life. Hunter came up next to him, and you start to scramble back, worried you might go for them.

“Hey hey, no it’s okay. You’re okay…” they reach into their med bag and took out a chocolate bar, tearing off the wrapper for you and offering it. It was like an animal trainer trying to get their charge to trust them. You slowly crawl over, eyes blank and white, but docile.

“Let’s make it a bit smaller.” They mutter. Hunger breaks a piece and you back away again, crawling on all fours. Hunter leans in a bit, offering the smaller piece to you. You take it gingerly and bite down on the candy. When the human medic offers the rest, you dig into it, eating it like nothing had gone wrong. Like you hadn’t run off, shifted and started gorging on the elk carcass right next to you. The area was quiet while your team watched as you continued eating. The snack was so good, so much better than the carcass.

It had happened again. You lost control again. You were a monster and you killed so many innocent animals. Tears continued to fall as the regret set in. When you smell human meat and you’re hungry, it can set you off, making your only thoughts to be “eat”. Animals weren’t as effective hence the number you had taken out. Human food, like the candy, was a middle ground. It would take some time to bring you back to your human state, and taking less to do so.

When you finally spoke, all you could croak out was a small and raspy, “sorry”.

Hunter offers you some more food, proper food, and you eat it slowly, trying not to make yourself sick. First it was the chocolate bar, and then some crackers, an apple, some water, a few carrots. Your beastly features begin to dull, and you feel yourself growing tired. Hunter moves closer with every bite and holds you close while you cry into them, and continue eating the food they give you. Soap curls himself around you preventing escape and trying to comfort you and protect Hunter. Neither of them worries about the blood, they had worse before. Soon you tucker yourself out and Hunter picks you up, and gets back on Soaps back.

“Price, target found and incapacitated. Returning to base.” Ghost said over comms.

“Copy Lt.” Price responded through a long sigh of smoke.

When you woke up you had food next to you on the bed, and Soap asleep in a chair. He wakes up to see you eating the food left for you, and smiles.

“Mornin’ Corporal.” He says.

“I’m sorry.” You say.

“Don’t. You didna do anythin wrong.” He said. He ruffles your hair which you realize had been cut off rather awkwardly. Apparently the blood was too thick to wash, and cutting it was the safer option. You didn’t mind.

For the rest of your handlers leave, your eating becomes top priority. If you try to skip meals, you’re hauled to the mess hall, or get a protein bar in your hand. You get firm reminders that your actions that night are not your fault. Hunter is ensuring you get your meals at regular times, and that you’re staying healthy in your eating habits. They’ve also taken to checking your weight, and body, which regains some pounds. Meanwhile paperwork is being shifted around and sorted and handed and signed making a report about what happened and the illegal obtainment of human organs and their distribution. Laswell is more than pissed and ensures your handler is kept off base for longer than he had intended to be.

A couple months go by of you recovering and getting into a healthier routine. You mention to your team that your form is much different and (you later learn) the one they had seen happens when you get hungry and are unable to eat. With this comes the chance to show off your monsterous form, which leaves them with surprised looks and a bit of shock. Your human form grows and your head is replaced by a deer skull, while your limbs shed skin and are replaced with natural wood, and your rib cage and a few other pieces are beared for them to see. Like Soap your clothes do get torn up, but you prepared with a blanket nearby.

You look down at them, and step back a little while they stare. Price smiles seeing what you are meant to look like, the full spirit creature. Price approaches you first and you go lower for him to meet your eyes. A hand is place on your skull and tilt your head.

“Welcome to the 141.” He says smiling. Soap steps up and shifts to his wolf form. You get down on all fours for him and he gives a soft headbutt against your shoulder which you return.

“Stuck with us now Corporal.” He barks.

Soap helps you feel more comfortable with your form, and helps you learn to move in it as well, alongside Alejandro. You find that while you’re bipedal, running on all fours does have some speed to it. You’re even more of a natural climber, able to launch yourself off large tree trunks and latch on to the next one, making any large enough forest a parkour playground. The cadejos are weary still but Rudolfo continues working with you on tracking. Alejandro is often busy having to assist the captain with paperwork. Gaz starts helping you instead, making your hiding even more fun, since he has the best sight out of everyone. Now you’re the target even more for them to find, which they assume won’t be hard with your immense size but your terrain becomes a part of you, and you it letting you hide almost in plain sight.

Ghost assists you in ways you weren’t expecting, as he helps you feel more comfortable with death. Now your sparring and take down sessions often come with a small talk. Taking a life isn’t easy, and given your story, he wants you to know you’re defending yourself and others. It’s not uncommon for you to get a bit carried away on missions now, as you’re able to charge with Soap into a fray. Your larger size makes it easy for you to forget your surroundings. It leads to more casualties than knock outs. Price even tells you what he knows about wendigos and works on getting as much information from you about the handler as he can. Price lets you use him as a target now for shooting range, given how much better your aim has gotten.

Your team becomes your family as older siblings, uncles and sometimes even dads. They pass on everything they can to you. At this point they’ve come to see you as the pup in their pack, the one they raise into a fighter and protector for the future.

Visual reference for wendigo form

#cod au #hybrid #hybrid au #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #alejandro vargas #wendigo #jackalope #captain price #rudolfo parra #kyle gaz garrick #kate laswell #dark content #young readers #female reader #cod oc

[bangtanficsforyou]

They Reject You (maknae line)

Pairing: maknae line x reader (fuckboi! Jimin x Reader, Co-worker Taehyung x Reader, Idol Jungkook x Reader)

Warnings: swear words here and there.

Word count: 4.6K

Park Jimin

"Well if it isn't my favourite girl." A voice slurs slowly, right next to your ears which makes you flinch in surprise.

"Jimin, gosh, what's wrong with you?" You say in an annoyed manner, immediately recognising the person. "Also, maybe keep some distance?"

Jimin pouts exaggeratedly and puts extra effort into widening his eyes for special effects. "Don't you find me being this close to you, heart racing-ly desirable?"

"Heart racing-ly? That's a new one," you snort and roll your eyes. "But to answer your question; no. It is not heart racing-ly desirable." 

"Lie all you want but we all know the truth," Jimin smirks and you can't help but wonder how on earth he manages to remain this cocky even when drunk.

"Cut the crap and stop wasting my time." You turn around to leave, not wanting to give Jimin the time of your day. From your previous experiences, you know that Jimin only ever causes trouble.

"I'm not feeling good, Y/N," he whines, all cockiness suddenly gone from his tone as he pleads gently. "Don't leave me."

You contemplate for a split second before huffing in defeat. "What do you mean by you're not feeling good?" 

"I don't know," he shrugs with a sad frown. "I just don't feel good."

Instinctively, you place your palms on his forehead only to find his skin to be burning hot. 

"Jimin!" You exclaim, your feelings of indifference instantly turning into that of concern. "You have high fever."

"That might explain why I was feeling so hot," he nods. "But I thought that was because of how attractive I am."

Any other time, you would have retorted with a comeback but right now you pay no attention to his words. "Come with me, we need to get you back to your room. You need rest." 

Much to your surprise, Jimin doesn't throw a protest and lets you hold his hand as you make way for the both of you through the partying crowd. 

Thankfully his room is only upstairs (one of the many pros of being a frat boy living in a frat house) and you don't have much trouble getting there.

Making Jimin sit on the bed, you look for medicines that can help with his fever. "How long have you been feeling unwell?"

"For about an hour."

You have half a mind to lecture him on how drinking should be the last thing he should have done while feeling unwell, but you decide to keep it in. Maybe when he's sober and in a better health condition, you will give him an earful.

Right now, it's more important to understand the severity of the situation.

"Did you stay out for too long at night? Or stayed with wet clothes on? Or something that might have led to you having a fever?" 

Jimin's drunk mind feels perplexed by the series of questions you're throwing his way. "Does it matter?" 

"Yes, it does," you respond shortly.

As a nursing student, you know how important it is to know the source of any sickness. If his fever can be tracked down to any possible cause, you'd have this reassurance that there's most likely nothing to worry about. However, if the fever seems to have appeared out of nowhere, there are chances that it may be a symptom of some underlying infection.

Your response makes Jimin think. Has he done anything in recent days that could have led to this? At first, nothing comes to mind. But after a few moments of intense brainstorming, something clicks in his brain.

"Does having two hours of shower sex count?" He queries seriously.

Your hands momentarily falter on their journey of looking for the first aid box but you recover quickly. 

"Should have expected something like that from you," you grumble in annoyance.

"Don't be mean," he complains in a whine. "It's not my fault that the sex was so good. Plus, she kept asking for more and you know I can't say no to that."

You slam the drawer shut and aggressively open the box, having finally found it. You take out a tablet and hand it over to Jimin with a glass of water. 

Once Jimin has taken the medicine, you arrange the pillows for him and take a blanket out. "Go to sleep. Let your body have some rest."

"Are you leaving?" He asks in a quiet voice, reminding you of a small child asking a question they already know the answer to.

"I don't think I have any purpose being here. I'll ask Jungkook to stay with you in case you need something."

"Jungkook won't take care of me the way you do," Jimin replies with a huff, thoroughly displeased with the idea of you leaving him.

"That's not my issue," you shrug.

Jimin switches to his last option, one that works every time and on everyone; his famous, irresistible puppy eyes. "Do you not have any sympathy for me?"

You scoff, your patience running thin. You really don't want to have a fight or speak your mind while he's having a fever, but if he continues to prod you this way, he will be responsible for the inevitable outburst.

Jimin feels unhappy with your lack of response and he attempts once again. "Won't you do this much for me? Please?"

That's it. The way his soft voice pulls at your heartstrings does it for you.

"Can you, for once, not think only for yourself?" You snap.

Now that was not the reaction Jimin was expecting. "What do you mean?"

"Don't try to play dumb," you roll your eyes and cross your arms. "Don't tell me you have no idea how I feel about you."

Although drunk, Jimin's mind registers the seriousness of your words and he immediately looks sheepish. "I don't."

Well, that's a lie and both you and Jimin know it.

A sarcastic smile appears on your face. "I'll spell it out for you, again. I like you Jimin."

Jimin looks down and starts fiddling with the end of the bedsheets as he nods, having no other response. 

You sigh, wondering why you expected any other, perhaps a more thoughtful reaction from him. Feeling disappointed with yourself, you make your way out without another word.

On your way, however, you make sure to find Jungkook and ask him to look after Jimin. 

Once you're out of the frat house and have booked a cab to your rented apartment, you sit on a small bench and take a deep inhale to relax. Sadly and much to your frustration, the emotions that have come to the surface refuse to let you have your peace of mind.

You really should have stayed away from Jimin, from the very start.

Your brain chimes at you and it reminds you that perhaps there's no one else to be blamed but you. You are the one who has been entertaining Jimin all in the name of not entertaining him. 

It was a frat party much similar to that of today's when Jimin had first tried to add your name to the long list of girls he has had sex with. You were surprised, caught off guard and admittedly a little flattered by his flirtatious actions but irrespective of that, you weren't willing to be a part of his list.

You had asked him to fuck off and to leave you alone. Which he had done at the time but only to return later with much more determination to win you over. By then, you weren't feeling flattered by his repeated attempts, you were annoyed. Something, which Jimin found amusing.

The more he tried, the more your annoyance flared and so did Jimin's amusement. It went like this for a couple of weeks.

Things started to change when you stumbled upon a drunk Jimin sitting alone on the terrace. That was the first time the both of you had a proper conversation with each other. It made you realise that the whole fuckboy thing he has going on, is only a small part of him. You realised that there's much more to the guy than what meets the eye.

From then on you stopped treating him like a guy whose sole identity was that of the 'campus fuckboy'. 

That doesn't mean that his actions stopped annoying you. But you sure found it more tolerable.

However, exactly when your feelings for him turned romantic, remains debatable. Was it the night when he drunkenly kissed you? Or was it when he drunkenly confessed that he enjoys your company more than anyone else's? You don't know. 

But you do remember, exactly when you realised that your feelings for him don't fall under the category of platonic. It was when you saw Jimin making out with a petite blonde in a bar. The pain and jealousy that shot through your veins was an indication enough for you to see how your feelings have bloomed into something more.

You, upon realising, did not hesitate to confess. His response to your confession was simple. He does not do relationships and he sees you as a friend.

You could do with that. You weren't expecting Jimin to return your feelings or to commit to you. After all, you were well aware of his lifestyle and how he likes having lovers instead of a lover. 

The only reason you had confessed to him was in hopes that he would stop trying to bed you and realise that it isn't just fun and games for you anymore.

Unfortunately, Jimin didn't stop with his antics.

Annoyed and angry, you had decided to cut Jimin off. But of course, he wouldn't have that. He would, in some way or the other, sneak into your daily life and cause a ruckus as if it were his birthright. 

Truth be told, you weren't hurt by his rejection as much as you were by his total disregard for your feelings and how his actions and choices could affect you. 

The events from today serve as another example of the kind of emotional turmoil he stirs within you. The question is how long will you put up with this?

Your cab honks to announce its arrival and it causes you to break out of your thoughts. You give a small nod to the man in the driving seat and get up. As you walk towards the cab, you make up your mind. 

You're not going to entertain him any longer. 

Kim Taehyung

You: that's very mean of you 👿

You type with a wide grin plastered on your face.

Tae 🐻: mean? me? Never 🥺

You: putting that emoji won't help you 👿

Tae 🐻: ☹️

Tae 🐻: I sent you the snap of the chocolate because it reminded me of you 😔

You: that was NOT your intention 😤

You: you do this every time and then i start craving chocolates 😭

Tae 🐻: then have some 🙇

You: i have to complete the excel sheet by today :(:

You: which mean i can't go out

You: and if I opt for ordering online, I'll end up ordering a bunch of other stuff along with it and that won't be good for my wallet 

Tae 🐻: awwww

Tae 🐻: It's okay! I'll bring you chocolates tomorrow 

Tae 🐻: from your favourite brand 😉

You: you sweetheart 🥺

Tae 🐻: says the sweetest ❤️

A bashful giggle escapes from your lips when you read his text. He sure has a way with words.

You: now let me do my work

You: shoo

Tae: ☹️

Tae: I'm being chased away 

Tae: but okay xD

Tae: I'll let you get back to it. 

You bite on your lower lip to stop smiling like a fool and try to focus your attention on the computer screen. Keyword; try.

The butterflies in your stomach and the fluttering of your heart make it extremely difficult for you to think about anything else that's not Taehyung.

Gosh, he really is the greatest distraction of them all.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, you find a big pack of chocolate from your favourite brand, on your desk. Attached to it is a note that reads for my favourite girl ;). You smile involuntarily and wonder what you ever did to deserve someone like Taehyung in your life. 

You sit on your chair and while the computer boots, you take a small bite from the chocolate bar. As you relish the sweetness that spreads in your mouth, you can't help but think of Taehyung and how much he has come to mean to you, in the few months that you have known him. 

When he first joined the company he was shy, barely talking to anyone and having a hard time socialising with his co-workers. It took him about a couple of weeks to get comfortable and once he did, there was no going back. He somehow became everyone's favourite. 

However, the way you two became friends is a bit different. 

Four months ago, on a fortunate day, there was a huge mishap with the data files. Small groups were formed to work on the mistakes and correct them as necessary. As fate would have it, you and Taehyung were a team. And the amount of jokes you two made about your higher-ups, were perhaps the only source of energy for you both to carry on with the work and ultimately, finish it. 

And those three intense working days were enough for the two of you to become friends. 

It started with having small conversations via text, which then turned into full lengthy regular conversations. In the midst of all of that, when the flirting began, you have no clue. All you remember are those nights when you stayed up late, talking to him and smiling into your pillow, feeling like a teenager. 

He would sneak little compliments and warm affectionate words that would have you looking like a tomato in a matter of seconds.

Most importantly, he has become one of your closest friends. He has been there whenever you needed him and has confided in you whenever he faced challenges. The bond you two share is something you treasure deeply. He has become such an integral part of your life that there hardly goes by a day when the two of you don't talk to each other.

It's one of those 'more than friends' but 'not really dating' scenarios.

You had never given much thought about giving a label to what the two of you were. You were happy having him the way you do. But recently, you can't help but think of taking things to the next level. You find yourself wondering what it would be like to call him your boyfriend. 

As the all too familiar windows tune plays, notifying you of the booting process being completed, you decide to subtly ask him about it. 

----------------------------------------

"Did you like the chocolates?" That's the first thing Taehyung asks as you take the seat opposite to him.

"Do you think I would not like it?" You answer his question with a question of your own. Because honestly, that's a very silly question to ask. Anyone who knows you knows how much you love chocolates.

Taehyung grins, his boxy smile making an appearance. "I mean, it would still be nice to hear it from you."

"Well, then, I loved it." 

He nods, satisfied with your answer. Placing one of his hands on his chest, right above his heart, he bows. "I'm honoured to know that."

You chuckle softly, endeared at his actions. "How was your day so far?"

He rolls his eyes. "Eh, the usual. Mina got some files messed up and I had to do twice the work to fix that."

"That sucks," you grimace. "Work has been so tiring lately, I wish we could take a small break from all this shit."

"Oh, that reminds me–" Taehyung exclaims suddenly, startling you, "–I have got these free tickets to a movie, would you like to go with me?"

Excitement bubbles in your stomach. "Sure! I'd love to."

"Then it's set! I'll let you know of the date and time later, okay?" 

You nod, feeling giddy at the thought of watching a movie with him. It won't be the first time for sure, but it has been a while since the two of you last did something like this. Work hardly leaves any spare time for rest and fun.

However, the thought of spending some alone time with him, makes your mind go back to what you had decided while you were devouring the chocolate. You clear your throat before bringing the topic to the table. "Tae?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we doing?"

He looks up from his food, with a confused smile. "What do you mean by that? We are eating lunch." 

You shake your head softly, and make your question more obvious. "What are we?" 

You see as his confusion clears out and his smile fades. A look of discomfort appears on his face as he swallows the food. "Well, we are friends." 

"Are we just friends though?" You raise a brow in question, not willing to accept his answer. 

A soft sigh escapes his lips when he realises he can't really back out of this or push the conversation away for some time later. "You aren't just a friend to me. I like you. I like you a lot."

You stay quiet, sensing that there's a but coming. 

"But I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship." He adds, figuring out that there's no way to put it subtly. 

That wasn't the answer you were expecting and naturally, you feel disheartened by his words.

Taehyung notices the way your face has dropped and he immediately feels guilty. "I know I should have told you this before. My intentions weren't to string you along, I genuinely do like you–"

"Then why?" You cut him off, confused and unable to understand what could be the issue if he really likes you the way he claims to.

"I am scared it will distract me from my career."

Your first instinct is to counter his statement and say, it doesn't work that way. That relationships are not a distraction. But you hold yourself back from saying so. 

If he believes that having a relationship will distract him, you cannot force or persuade him to believe otherwise. If anything, you understand where he might be coming from. He has only recently joined the company and you know he has experienced financial issues while growing up. You can see why he might be scared of something making him lose his focus. Having an established career is what he wants and what seems to be his priority.

Although you have been hoping and looking forward to putting a label, you know you can't expect that from him anymore. You could try and ask him to reconsider his choices but what good would that do? 

Even if he were to get into a relationship, he would most likely still have that thought in the back of his mind and will keep worrying about getting sidetracked. What's the point of committing to someone if you can't really enjoy it to the fullest? What is the point of calling someone yours, if you can't fully feel the beauty of it? You see none.

"Maybe, we can wait for each other?" He suggests meekly, too scared to see what your reaction to the question is.

Now, waiting for each other and whatnot sounds really romantic in movies and romcoms but you have to remind yourself that this is not a movie. In real life, irrespective of the intentions the individuals may hold, somewhere along the line, something usually happens that causes chaos and turns things sour. 

"How about we just let things flow and see where it takes us?" You suggest as that seems like the best possible choice at the moment.

Taehyung nods knowing he's in no place to bargain. He will take whatever you will give him. However, it bugs him to no end when you spend the rest of the lunch in silence and with a frown on your face.

Jeon Jungkook

"Can you sit still for a moment?"

The person in question, aka Jungkook, pays no attention to your words and hollers when something exciting occurs on the screen of his mobile phone. 

You sigh and place your palms on both of his cheeks and make him look up. However, the adorable sight of his squished cheeks, pouty lips and doe eyes wide in surprise, has you snorting. When you let go of your hold, he frowns, offended by your laughter.

"What's so funny about my face?" He grumbles.

You shake your head and apply blush on his cheeks. "You just looked like a real bunny for a second there, couldn't help but laugh at that."

He pouts. "That's supposed to be cute, not funny."

A fond smile appears on your face at his displeasure. "You're both cute and funny, I guess."

Jungkook grins at you, now satisfied. "Now make me cuter."

"I'll be able to do that if you stay still for a moment," you retort. 

Jungkook huffs and closes his eyes. "Fine! I'll stay still."

You hum in response and get to work. 

Being Jungkook's make-up artist was fairly easy. You just had to make his beautiful face appear flawless for the cameras. Nothing too difficult. Jungkook was friendly and so were the other BTS members. The pay was, of course, more than satisfactory.

Recently, however, being Jungkook's make-up artist hasn't been easy. It hasn't been easy being this close to him and keeping the fluttering of your heart under control. It hasn't been easy to see his eyes this up close and not let yourself get lost in them. It hasn't been easy to notice that small mole under his lips and resist the urge to kiss it. Oh no, it hasn't been easy at all. 

One might call you unprofessional and to be honest, you don't have much to defend yourself with. Rather, if someone questions your professionalism, you'd challenge them to take your job and not fall for the guy.

You think it's simply impossible.

But you see, that's the simple part. Falling. The consequences of falling, however, are where the complications begin. 

The very first question that comes to mind is; what are the chances that they might feel the same? Then one realises that there's no way to answer this for sure as it's only the other person who's aware of what they feel. Which leads to a major dilemma; to confess or not to confess. 

Confessing your feelings is a very vulnerable thing to do. It feels like exposing yourself at one's mercy. Like a delicate bud that you hand over and whether the flower will bloom or wilt, totally depends on the other person. 

It's beautiful yet scary.

For a long time, you haven't been willing to be that vulnerable with Jungkook.

All anxieties that come with confessing aside, you can't ignore the fact that he's a world-famous idol.

You are not worried about word getting out about you falling for him. You hardly think that it will cause a stir. If anything, the fans will probably make memes out of it and will agree with you on how impossible it is to not fall for the guy. The memes will be all over the internet for a few months and after that, they will be gone and will resurface every once in a while. That doesn't seem like much to you and you think you can handle it.

What does worry you is word getting out and you getting fired and not getting a job henceforth (you're pretty sure that the agencies won't take up on your 'don't fall for Jungkook' challenge). 

This particular fear is what has been holding you back from letting Jungkook know of your feelings. 

However, the thing with love is, you cannot bury it no matter how hard you try. It's like the sun that comes out to shine no matter what. Love blooms in the heart and it refuses to stay hidden for too long behind whatever fears the mind comes up with.

After all, in the battle of mind and heart, when has the former ever won? 

Once you're done with the finishing touches, you let Jungkook know that you're done.

Jungkook opens his eyes and they automatically land on yours. The sharp spike in your breathing rate and the loud thumping of your heartbeat, makes you look away immediately.

You clear your throat and take a slow deep inhale to calm your racing heart. "I'll put the lip balm and foundation in the kit. Just in case you need it."

"You say that every time before a performance as if you're not going to be backstage," he chuckles in amusement.

"Jungkook, the performance is in fifteen," Taehyung says loudly from the other side of the room.

It's like a switch being flipped on. Jungkook's eyes widen and he gets up from his seat instantly. Bidding you a quick goodbye, he exits the room in a hurry. 

You sigh in relief, finally feeling like you can breathe again. Taking a seat on the chair previously occupied by Jungkook, you stare at your reflection in the mirror. You notice the red hue on your cheeks and your lips part in awe at how flustered you look. Almost, as if you have run a mile. 

Something about this moment makes you come to a quick decision. For a long time, you have been toying with the idea of confessing but have always backed out every time you had a chance. But not anymore. 

You grab a small piece of paper and a pen and write down what you have been wanting to tell Jungkook.

You make it direct and simple and put it in Jungkook's handbag. 

The moment you zip the chain, you feel this urge to take the chit out and throw it in the dustbin but you somehow, withhold yourself from doing so. 

You are aware that he won't notice the chit until he's back in his dorms. The bag contains all the skin care products (handpicked by you) he uses before going to bed. Which also means you would have to wait until tomorrow when you're back to work to know Jungkook's answer. 

Seems like it's gonna be a sleepless night for you.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, you go to work with nervous excitement. While in the car, you couldn't wait for your destination to arrive yet at the same time dreaded it. It's this mixed feeling where you can't decide what you want but in the end, realise that it's better to just get over it.

However, while you're walking towards Jungkook's make-up room, Namjoon calls your name.

"Y/N," he shouts to get your attention. Once he notices he has it, he walks up to you. "My dressing room is the other way." 

"I know that," you say with a small frown, wondering why he is telling you this.

"Oh," Namjoon realises that you're unaware of the changes. "You don't know, do you?"

You shake your head, your confusion only increasing. "Know what?"

"Jungkook has requested a new make-up artist. So now, you're in charge of my make up," he replies. 

Namjoon's words ring in your ears and you feel the world around you fade. You knew that there was always the chance that he doesn't feel the same way. You knew if that were the case it'd hurt but you'd accept it. However, you didn't expect Jungkook to do this. 

It feels like the unbloomed flower has been stomped by someone and you're left to feel the crushing pain. 

A/N: if you wish to support me and want to have early access to all my works, consider visiting my patreon!

#Jungkook reaction #Jungkook angst #Jungkook scenarios #Idol Jungkook #Jungkook au #Taehyung reaction #Taehyung angst #Co-worker Taehyung #Taehyung au #Jimin reaction #Jimin angst #Jimin scenario #Fuckboy Jimin #Jimin au

[pyrondeeznutz]

Ticci Toby Headcanons

PT.01

Toby Rogers past, upbringing, pre-proxy headcanons. See proxy era headcanons here ⬇️

CW: Slight mentions of animal abuse, domestic violence, psychosis, bullying, car crash, gore

<NOTE> Im a psychology nerd so I tried to make it as realistic as possible. This is my first time doing anything like this but I have a lot of thoughts about Tobys character. Its not proofread so ignore any typos or grammatical errors. Also… its very long… I have… so many thoughts…

BIOGRAPHY .

PATIENT NAME: Tobias (Toby) Erin Rogers

BIRTHDATE: April 28th, 1994

AGE: Currently 19 years old

HC/EC: Brown hair, brown eyes

ETHNICITY: White American

BIRTHPLACE: Denver, Colorado

FAMILY: Connie Rogers (mother), Dan Rogers (Father), Lyra Rogers (sister)

DIAGNOSIS: Congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (CIPA), Tourettes Syndrome, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Bipolar Disorder (Type 1, psychotic)

THE GURNEY .

Toby was in and out of hospitals from a very young age due to his wide range of physical and mental health concerns

His earliest memory was when, at age 4, he hit his head after falling onto cement and didn’t cry, scream, or even really acknowledge that he was hurt

After seeing the bloody mess her young child was in, Connie ran Toby to the hospital where tests were ran to determine what caused his lack of pain response

Finally at age 8, Toby was diagnosed with CIPA. This condition not only prevented his brain from generating a pain response but also responses to extreme temperatures (frostbite, heat burn, etc)

Due to these dangerous health issues, and his neurotic mother, Toby was put in homeschooling from a very early age. Connie was too protective of her son to allow him to go out on his own at his age

His earliest memories revolved around roaming hospital halls, his parents fighting over medical bills, being talked to by social workers and doctors, having tests done, minor surgeries, etc.

DEAR OLD DAD .

Dan Rogers was a difficult man. He never admitted he was wrong, he spent his evenings drinking on the couch, and always had something to complain about. The best words to describe this man was angry, bitter, and reckless

He wasn’t a father by any means. To Toby, the man was more of a nuisance than anything. An alcoholic manchild who stood in his way

The boy never got along with Dan. His father would see him as a burden, bringer of unnecessary medical costs. He severely emotionally and physically neglected his children from their birth. Dan never wanted to be a father.

Due to the costs of Tobys medical problems, Dan would continuously attempt to “prove he was faking” his CIPA, and yell at the boy for his strange twitches due to Tourettes. On one occasion, Dan put his sons hand in a pot of boiling water to try and elicit a pain response that never came.

As Toby got older and more independent from his mother, he would often mouth off to his father, talk back, or straight up ignore him. There was never a moment of peace between those two

Being the money maker in the house, Dan was usually very overworked and stressed. He turned to alcohol to relieve this, and his bad temper got worse when he drank. Often to the point his outbursts would lead to physical violence against his family

It was like walking in a minefield for Toby and his family. And since the supposed “man of the house” was a drunken mean old man, Toby took it upon himself to protect his family from his fathers wrath.

He would purposely act up to direct Dans fist towards him. The boy couldn’t feel it anyways, and being hit, pushed, grabbed, was better than having his sister or mother be hit or yelled at.

The young boy spent his childhood in a rage, he was powerless against his father.

MOTHER DEAREST .

Unlike her husband, Connie was a quiet woman who cared deeply for her children

She was well-mannered, motherly, and kept to herself. And while she was a good woman, she had her fair share of flaws

You would catch her dead before you ever caught her losing control over her emotions. Connie grew up quick and that stuck with her. From a young age she took care of her manchild of a husband

She couldn’t afford to lose herself to silly things like emotions. She had a family to care for, a house to clean, meals to cook. Her priorities lied on appearance over her health

This was one of the many reasons she couldn’t leave her husband despite the years of abuse

Despite all the violence, berating, assault. This life was her own and it was just another thing she had to live with

Toby loved his mother, he really did. He knew she did the best given the circumstances. Connie kept her children fed, clothed and housed. Thats all he could really ask for

But he despised from the depths of his soul how she could just sit by and let the abuse happen. How she never left Dan. How she never cared enough to leave despite not knowing what lied in store for them beyond that house

To her, Dan was a safety net. He provided money, insurance, he paid the bills, put food on the table. Connie quit her job in order to homeschool her son. There was no choice

To Toby, his mother was a coward who never stuck up for herself. And god forbid he ever turn into that

So Toby fought the battles his mother couldn’t. He said the words his mother didn’t dare to speak. He took the beatings and his mother did nothing but ask her husband to stop

SOUL SISTER .

In the chaos of that household, Lyra was something of fresh air for Toby

While the two did fight as any siblings do, they had a mutual care and understanding for each other

Lyra would keep a makeshift first aid kit under her bed for whenever Toby got into minor accidents or if their father went too far some nights

Like her little brother, Lyra had a lot of anger in her. She would always try to stop Dan from going too far and she was good at talking Toby and their father down from ripping each others throats out

She would channel this anger and frustration into sports like boxing, soccer, rugby. It was easier to express her feelings through physical means than ever talking about it. The girl was a perfect mix of her parents

When he was younger, Toby had a very bad and hostile relationship with Lyra. He was young and didn’t have any clue how to handle his emotions and would often threaten or physically hurt his sister

But as he grew up, and they bonded over the related abuse, and they would be there for each other, Toby developed tender care for his older sister. If she got a boyfriend, he would be ready to attack at any sign of disrespect. If she brought over friends, he would stay in his room not to embarrass her.

Just as he was with his mother, he was very protective over Lyra. She did so much for him, and he wanted to keep her safe. It was a tangled, messy relationship but they made it work despite her attitude and his anger

CONDUCT .

Toby grew up completely isolated from other kids, families, etc. The most socialization he got was going to family events or being dragged to the grocery store with his mother.

All he knew growing up was violence. And so when he was around other people, he would project everything he learnt from his father onto other kids

From a very early age he was made to feel small and insignificant in his own home by the people that were supposed to take care of him. And so whenever something challenged him out of the house, he would do whatever he needed to do to put them below him

Sometimes Toby would project this violence onto small animals, occasionally moving onto bigger animals such as cats. The feeling of killing something smaller than himself with his own hands gave him a sense of power and control he never had

Due to his untreated ADHD, the boy would often be loud, hyperactive and intrusive. He would have temper tantrums and outbursts as well, and his mother never knew how to handle it

He was a problem child from birth. Not only causing problems for himself, but for everyone around him

Toby would talk back, curse, say strange and vulgar things, refuse to apologize or admit he was wrong, and would run away from home occasionally.

But despite these behavioural issues, Toby always refused to touch alcohol. Despite all the anger, dread and frustration he felt he swore he’d never become the kind of man his father was

BULLY .

Around 12 years old, Toby’s parents decided it would be best for him to get properly socialized and placed him in a public school

He was now old enough to recognize that bleeding is bad and how to check for injuries despite his CIPA, which allowed Connie to calm down tremendously when it came to her anxiety surrounding her boys health and safety

Despite his mothers insistence that he would love public school, he’d make so many friends there, and that everything would be fine, Toby knew damn well he wouldn’t do well there. He was already bullied by his own father, imagine how other kids would react. He’s seen the movies.

And of course Toby was right. Due to his Tourettes, his tics would often confuse, scare and gross other kids out. They would either straight up treat him like a diseases rat or ruthlessly bully him

The boy was called every name in the book, from “twitchy freak” to “ticci Toby”

Alongside the ostracism and harassment from his peers, his tics and behavioural issues would cause him issues with his teachers. They would often scold him for being a disturbance in class

Making and keeping friends was near impossible for the boy. Talking to a “creepy loser” like him was practically social suicide. He was weird, strange, and given his history of fighting the other kids he was probably dangerous too. No kid wanted to be around that.

On occasion, the other boys would get physical with him and he would always hit back, leading him to get in more trouble with the school staff

Toby would be beat down at school and go home to have it done to him all again by his father

Eventually the school year came to an end and Toby was put back in homeschooling

Even though the torment in middle school came to an end, that didn’t mean the bullying stopped. He was now a known freak and the perfect target for kids who were a bit too much like him. They would harass him online until they got bored, and god forbid he saw any of them in public

It made the angry, powerless boy feel even worse in his own world. There wasn’t a night that went by where he didn’t think of going off and getting his revenge. Make them pay for ever fucking with him.

THE CRASH .

When Toby turned 17, he had finally got himself medicated for his recently diagnosed Bipolar Disorder which caused manic / depressive episodes

He was put on antipsychotics and stimulant medication for his ADHD

While he was being treated, his sister got a job and so did his mother. Outside of all the familiar instability and violence his father caused, life was good

Toby was going to be 18 soon and his sister promised that when he became a legal adult, she would take him to move out with her

He didn’t have any friends, he didn’t really have any plans for his life, but he had a life ahead of him regardless and that was enough

The boy was working through pain too great to imagine, he was carrying 17 years of fear and dread, he was so young holding on to so much

But he had a way out. He was going to get a job and move out with his dear older sister and maybe even go to college. He was going to overcome this

That was his views at least up until the crash

Lyra was driving Toby back home from a doctors appointment when it happened

His tics were acting up, it was rather distracting

He was so caught up in his own little world and trying to get through the frustrating twitches that he didn’t even have a second to process what happened

The next thing Toby knew, the car was swerving right into a lamppost and the air bags were deployed

And the next thing Toby saw was his sisters mangled, bloody body. The force of the steering wheel crushing her bones and shards of glass piercing her skin. The physical trauma near shattered her ribs

And the next thing Toby heard was the pained groans and wheezing from his dying sister

Thats the last thing he remembered before he woke up in a hospital bed with his broken arm being patched up. The doctors wouldn’t even let him see his sister who was under surgery in the emergency room

He didn’t get to be there by her side when she died

He didn’t get a goodbye

And while he was surrounded by family, his aunt Lori was even there to support his mother, Tobys father was nowhere to be seen

Dan was too drunk to drive, and too lazy to call a cab. He didn’t care about Toby and he didn’t care that his daughter just died. One less burden.

In one afternoon Tobys entire life slipped through the cracks of his hands

HIM .

The grief was sickening. It was heavier than the weight of the world. The silence that flooded his once loud house from his sister blaring her Beatles albums was deafening

These were the kinds of things that only happened in movies. People didn’t really lose their family members, and these things didn’t happen to people like him

It wasn’t fair

The one good thing in his miserable life, the moment things were finally getting better. There was no hope anymore, Toby was hopeless

He thought of ending his life every night as he stared at the ceiling, not getting a wink of sleep. But he couldn’t do that to his mom. She never showed it, but it showed clearly from the weight in her steps, the tired look in her eyes. He knew she was carrying a burden too great to bear

He couldn’t take away both of her children

So he would lie there night after night hoping to wake up from the gutwrenching dream just to hear her laugh, sing, blast her shitty music. He never really liked The Beatles, but she did. But she did.

It was all too much for him. From the moment Toby stepped out of the hospital he hadn’t felt real. The boy was living two steps away from reality like there was a sheet of plastic in between him and the world

Days would go by where he would forget to take his medication, or where he would simply just sleep the entire day away

On the days he was awake, Toby would feel like he was going insane. He wouldn’t feel real, he would see things out of the corner of his eye

Sometimes he’d swear he saw something outside his window at night

A strange creature standing under the streetlights

And it only got worse from here. Toby would almost always refuse to leave the house, he stopped sleeping, he felt like something was watching him

The boy would spend hours staring outside his bedroom window. The forest in his backyard had eyes and they were watching him

A wave of sickness overtook Toby. He would wake up with bloody noses sometime and no medicine would get rid of his strange cough. Sometimes he would sleepwalk and end up waking up on the edge of the forest behind his house, cold and alone in the dark of the night

It all added up. It was too much. The anger, the fear, the paranoia. The little voice in the back of his head telling him to just do it. Get revenge. Make him pay.

ABLAZE .

The years and years of abuse. Everything his father had done. He wasn’t there. He was never there.

Why should a man like that deserve to live? 17 fucking years of making Toby feel small and insignificant

Not today. And not anymore. The world was in the boys hands now, and so was a knife. And that night was the night Toby Rogers killed his own father.

No words could describe the feeling of adrenaline and rage that overtook the boy that night. There was no other option, this was the way it was always going to happen

Everything Toby has ever been through has led up to this. It was his own divine prophecy

And God showed no mercy that night

23 stab wounds drilled into his fathers chest, his face bloody, beaten and unrecognizable. Toby smashed his tiny bruised fists ruthlessly into his fathers now deceased body.

The only thing that stopped him was the scream of his mother. It was something primal, something deep from the pain in her gut.

Toby ran into the garage and grabbed two axes that belonged to his father, one old one new. Alongside that he grabbed gasoline and matches. He was going to do what he knew best. He was going to destroy everything.

And so the boy ran down the street of his neighborhood pouring the gasoline along his way and dousing the rest over the trees as he stood at the edge of the forest

Striking a match, the dry grass and trees caught on fire and immediately exploded into flames. The heat and blaze engulfed the boy and soon it began catching onto the rest of the forest

This was the end, he thought. Strangely enough, even though his heart was beating in his throat and his body was shaking, he felt calm. He had no regrets and he was fine with this being his ending.

His mind went blank, everything felt like a static screen, he could feel himself getting dizzy and there was a loud ringing in his ears

The last thing he saw was a tall, faceless creature in the midst of the smoke and fire as he collapsed to the ground.

And that was the death of Tobias Erin Rogers.

#creepypasta #ticci toby #creepypasta ticci toby #creepypasta headcanon #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby fanart #toby rogers #ticci toby creepypasta #creepypasta writing #ticci toby fanfiction #writing #original writing #ticci toby headcanon #pyrocrpz

[icanseethefuture333]

and how to banish demons and trickster spirits?? 🥲 please help thank you

How to spiritually protect your home from unfamiliar entities 👻

When faced with paranormal activity, it can be scary for anyone! We start to question ourselves and feeling silly thinking: "Did I really just see that?! No, no, it my must be my imagination..." but you still can't shake the feeling something is there in your room.

How to decipher between a high or low vibrational entity

Every spirit takes form in a different shape and color. I am unsure what it means but I have seen just about each one. So I will be giving each one a name for it. A fair warning though to use your intuition because my interaction with each spirit could be different from yours. Always use caution.

The in-between:

This spirit is mainly gray and fuzzy but has a rainbow outline. Similar to a broken TV. I believe these spirits are going through a period of healing and transformation. They are more neutral with their approach but overall have good intentions.

Holier than thou:

This spirit looks pure white. It's just a plain white or almost milky translucent color, they are typically friendly. If they are white, but look like it's sparkling or shining, it is a low vibrational entity or demon trying to pose as a angel.

Peekaboo:

The ones that appear in the corner of your eye or when you feel a presence randomly pass by. This is the most famous type of spirit that everyone has said they have come across. They come as shadows and are quick on their feet. They are black in color and their origins I am unsure, but they haven't bothered me per say. They startle me though, so because of how they sneak around. I mainly believe that they are trickster spirits.

Fairy lights (also known as orbs):

Orbs of light are considered to be a manifestation of energy present in your home. I have interacted with this type of spirit the least. When I first began doing deity worship with Aphrodite, I would see pink orbs, and that is how I knew she was present when I prayed to her or asked her for guidance. I have also seen orbs when interacting with archangels.

Faders:

These spirits fade in and disappear once they get what they want. They usually appear with a message and then leave once they're done. They can be pretty lonely, so sometimes they just like your company. I went to a garden memorial once and I had a spirit follow me home just so they could spend time with me. They left after two days.

Angels:

I feel that most of the time my interaction with an angel was presented as a human. You ever had someone that just was really sweet and kind to you in when you were having a really rough day? Yeah I mean that. Those feel like angels to me. Archangels I view them as orbs.

Demons:

*cracks knuckles* the moment you've all been waiting for. Now these are masters of disguise. Demons present themselves as anything or anyone just to get closer to you. Whether that's a living human being, an attractive person in your dream who sexually arouses you (incubus/succubus), or a monster who keep causing you to have nightmares in your sleep. Their main desire is to suck your life source and take over your soul at your weakest moment or make you do malicious things that are out of your character.

The different types of demons:

Before we touch upon this topic, if you are someone who struggles with a mental health condition such as anxiety, PTSD, BPD, etc. Be aware that some of your symptoms could align with some of the things I will mention down below. You have to understand the difference of just being anxious/paranoid and genuinely having an encounter with an entity that's dangerous.

Creepers:

Creepers are literally what they are. They creep up on you quite randomly. They mostly appear in your dreams to scare you and cause you to have nightmares. In most cases, these ones are just annoying because they scare you out of your sleep, but the more severe ones can physically harm you. One time in middle school I had a nightmare of a demon wanting to attack me in my sleep and I woke up with scratches on my back that were bright red. Nobody else was there in my room that night to have left scratches on me like that. Anyone of any age can deal with creepers but it is most common for children to come across them.

Hitmen:

A hitman is usually a demon that was sent by someone who has given you the evil eye or decided to hex you or wish malicious things onto you. This is scary for most people to experience because you can't tell if you're going crazy or genuinely feel an attack on your peace of mind. A sign of a spiritual attack is when you are around someone and suddenly that person gives you a bad vibe, you start to feel physically ill or energetically drained. Intuitively, you should know when you feel unsettled by a negative entity.

Inner demons:

You guessed it. Demons that come from you. We all have our own inner demons that manifest from a place of pain, envy, anger, bitterness, or hatred. They are the ones who stick with us through our darkest times. Inner demons have a codependent relationship with us. It's almost as if being with a narcissist. Instead of helping you, they enjoy that you are helpless so they can stay with you longer. They conveniently appear or come around during severe periods of depression. Since it is a inner demon and not a hitman demon, you have to learn to forgive yourself for the manifestation of this entity, since it has come from you. Instead of fighting them or being angry with them, allow them to be set free. Wish healing for them as well, since it was not their fault they were born out of agony. They may come and go, but they should know their place from now on. For witches, these demons could be at your service for more baneful magick if anyone decides to fuck with you 🤫

How to deal with negative entities and banish them from your sacred space:

Ultimately, it comes down to being brave and asserting your dominace. Let these entities know that they cannot and will not fuck with you from this day on. When they know you are a pushover, they will just keep messing with you. Scare them like how they scare you. Here are some different methods you could use to banish these entities from your home.

Clean up your act 🧹:

Have you ever felt the strong urge to clean your house after being in a funk? That's right! Cleaning is one of the most popular ways of getting rid of low vibrational energy and to invite new energy into your home. I mean what's a witch without her broom right?

Mainly dusting, sweeping, mopping, wiping windows/mirrors, and vacuuming could be done for banishing negative energy/entities

You can chant while sweeping away from yourself, you can make this up on your own so it can be more fitting for you and you can memorize it more easily

Florida Water is considered one of the holy grails and can be bought at any local botanica or even online. It is a cologne that is famous for its magical properties and multi-purposes. You can pour Florida Water into the bucket of water that you use for mopping 🪣

Cleaning products that have magical ingredients (I.E: Lemon / lemon scent is a popular tool for spiritual cleansing)

Pillow sprays, febreeze, essential oils, or room deodorizers are a cheap and easy way to cleanse your home (Lavender pillow spray can be sprayed around your house and on your bed sheets or curtains for peace and tranquility. It is also a refreshing scent and helps you sleep better 😊!)

Boiling a concoction is another method you can use (ever wondered what was in those witches' cauldrons?). Most people boil bay leaves, rosemary leaves, or cinnamon

If you are pregnant or someone sensitive to chemicals or smells, you can use crushed eggshells or pour salt in the corners of your home, window sills, and doors🚪

Plants and crystals can be used as protection wards for your home. You can put them anywhere that you prefer.

Other popular methods for protection spells are spell jars, mojo bags (hoodoo, closed practice), enchanting a necklace or piece of jewelry to wear as a tailsman/amulet, or egg cleanse (common method in Latin American culture).

Team up:

There's nobody who will be down to protect you more than yourself than your spirit guides. Simply calling upon your ancestors (who wish you good intentions ofc), guardian angels, animal guide, or deity should be enough to protect you in moments of fear and feeling unsafe. Remember to show appreciate to them and give them offerings for their assistance. They cannot consistently be there for you if their energy source is low (especially ancestors!).

Remember that you are loved 🤍:

Experiencing the evil eye or a spiritual attack can be scary for just about anybody 🥺! Just remember that the situation is temporary and there is always going to people out there who love you and wish for your happiness (including your higher self). Paranormal activity is a weird but interesting thing many people in their lifetime have come across, so you don't have to feel alone. I hope this was of help to you and that you feel better about being able to protect yourself 😇

#ask #anon #witchcraft #wicca #hoodoo #evil eye #protection spells #brujeria #closed practices #spirits #spirit guides #deity worship #deity work #spell jar #home witchcraft #witches of color #pac #pick a card #astrology #astro observations #astrology observations

[chicken-fifi]

Stray Kids Reaction | You Have a Heart Condition

Pairing: Stray Kids Members x Reader

Requested by @curiousgworge : hey! uhm, i know this request may sound weird, but i just had a procedure done and found out that i'm gonna need a peacemaker. im kinda freaked out and in a lot of pain right now, so how do you think the stray kids guys would be with a parter that has heart conditions? faints out of nowhere and gets real tired over almost nothing cause their heart just can't keep up. sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but im kinda nervous and feel like this could calm me down? anyway, thankyou for coming to my TED talk 🤍

Genre: angst (?)/fluff (?)

A/n: i know i said it in my response but i wanted to say it here too, but i wish you the best in your procedure and a very speedy recovery. i genuinely hope that the pacemaker does help you for the better and that your nerves are eased a bit. please take care of yourself and your health. note for readers that this is not going to be medically accurate.

Tunes: You're forced to let go of your comfort character, but you can’t | Playlist | by Martine Malfoy

Bang Chan:

I envision Chris as being very protective of you in general

So if you have a heart condition he does nag a bit when you do things that he knows are going to tire you out or cause problems for you

Yes he’s busy, but ask him to do the hard things to spare you from the trouble and possible complications

He reads up on your condition and asks questions to get as familiar as he can with with it so he’s aware of the symptoms and signs he should be worried about

He also does his best to find activities that you can enjoy that can also help keep your heart healthy without tiring you out and joins you in doing them

“Please ask me to do this next time.”

Lee Know:

Minho gets worried and frets over you constantly

He tries not to let it show, but it does

He goes out of him way to do things for you when he notices that you’re doing something much more taxing than normal and plays it off as he was just just about to do the same thing anyways so why not

He does his best to be a good caretaker but also not cross a line that makes you uncomfortable

“Oh, this? I was going to do the same thing anyways so I’ll just do it.”

Changbin:

Also a bit of a nagger and frets over you

However Changbin does these things in a more silent manner

Like he’ll do them before you even think to avoid even the possibility of you doing something taxing

He also reminds you constantly to call him for anything

No matter how small

“Text me, call me. If you need anything done. Anything. Just call me and I’ll do it.”

Hyunjin:

Hyunjin is in a constant state of worry when he isn’t with you

He knows a fair amount about your condition from what you’ve told him and what he’s read from credible sources on the web

He also knows you can be stubborn and force yourself to do things rather than taking it easy and allowing yourself to be vulnerable

Which he understands, to go from being so independent to not being able to have level of independence is a hard transition

“Just let me help you out okay? I know you can do it, but please let me.”

Han:

Jisung picked up on everything really quickly

From the worrying rate at which you would get tired doing little things to the day you fainted

He’s the first person to call you on everything that you shouldn’t be doing when you’re supposed to be resting

It may be annoying and frustrating, but it comes from a well meaning place

He’s honestly just doesn’t know how to express that because for a hot minute he really thought he was going to lose you

“You’re supposed to be resting right now. It’s not good for your heart so soon after everything.”

Felix:

Another worrywart

Felix tries to read up and understand the condition from what your doctors tell him after your initial hospitalization

And he takes all of their suggestions to heart on what you should and shouldn’t do

He’s constantly on your heels just making sure you’re okay and it can get annoying here too

So he does try to back off but he continues to watch on and intervene when he notices things are going awry

“I’ll help you. You do this and I’ll do that, how does that sound?”

Seungmin:

Seungmin voices everything

Concerns, worries, fears, and questions

And listens to everything you have to say to about your condition

He supports your need and want to be independent

But also steps in when he notices that he needs to or when you not necessarily want to say or admit to needing some help

“I’ve got you. Don’t worry about it.”

I.N:

Jeongin is another who worries and it shows

His worry stems purely from the fact that there’s nothing he can to stop the illness

He can help avoid problems and do things for you that could lead to some serious health issues

But ultimately, there’s not much that he has any control over

And that terrifies him for you

But he does his best to support and be there for you

Taking all of your worries and carrying them with you as best as he can

“You’re not doing this alone. I’ll be here. Every single step of the way. I promise.”

#kpop #kpop reactions #kpop masterlist #stray kids #stray kids masterlist #stray kids reactions #bang chan #lee know #changbin #hyunjin #han #felix #seungmin #i.n

[twst-drabbles]

Azul 18

Summary: There’s a delicate period in the health of the recently overblotted that one must watch over. So delicate, in fact, that Azul was required to be quarantined in your dorm.

(You know, I was always disappointed with the fact that the housewarden’s health was just, strained and not ravaged by the fact that their own magic was this close to killing them.)

“Where am I?” Despite being disorientated, Azul’s first instinct was to try and don on his stance from his office. It’s easy to see his muscles aren’t working with him, so all you had to do was gently push him back down.

“Relax, don’t stiffen your shoulders like that.” Seriously, he shouldn’t strain himself. He’s still on painkillers. “Back to bed with you. Doctor’s orders.”

You even have the paper with you to prove it. You would give it to him but his mouth was running, albeit a bit sluggish. You’ll wait a bit, for a lull so you can dump the info and go. Doctor did say he’ll be waking briefly before slipping back into sleep.

“Bed? Wait, this isn’t Octavinelle. And is that the sunset? What time is it? Wait, what happened to me? To my Mostro Lounge?”

Whenever kids ramble too much for this bodies to keep up with, you liked to gently pop their mouth with your hand. Though, since you don’t exactly want to feel his lips on your skin, he’s not someone you know after all, you tapped them with the nutrition shake you had planned on leaving on his bedside. That shut him up real quick.

“Shush. You’re at Ramshackle. Yes, the sun’s setting. It’s the weekend. You overblotted. And your little restaurant is fine running without you.” You did have doubts to be perfectly honest. You half expected Jade and Floyd to make some unexpected renovations but no, they’re going about their business as if Azul never overblotted in the first place.

You pulled the drink back, dropping it on his lap before giving him the doctor’s note.

“Doc said you could relapse, so you have to be away from any and all magic, including magic users. This, of course, includes using your magic, so don’t think about it. Until your body is no longer a sponge for blot, I’ll be your babysitter for a bit. Oh, and drink that. Doc also said you can’t have solids, so that’s about the only nutrition you can get.”

You have a concerning amount of nutrition shakes on the account that you barely have time to cook. The ghosts are merciful, making your meals for you.

Azul looked strange, on this old bed covered in new fluffy white sheets. He didn’t have his glasses, his hair was a mess and he looked more ragged than when the ink finally seeped out of him and he fell onto the seabed.

Records of overblot, from what you can find, always placed emphasis on the state during rather than the aftermath. It’s natural, given the havoc any overblot can cause. It’s not just the victim that’s in danger, but the people around them as well. The more powerful you are, the more dangerous the overblot. Rarely does anyone make note of how the recovering individual is still at risk at relapsing, should the conditions be too stressful. Or magic rich, given how raw their nerves are after having their magic and blot mix and invade their person.

“…” Azul deigned to not give you an answer, simply squinting at the paper as though it’ll give him more answers than what’s already present.

“Well, if you don’t need anything, I’ll be leaving. I still have cleaning to do, A janitor’s work is never done.” But at least you’re being paid handsomely to keep quiet about this incident. Soon you’ll be able to renovate this place from the ground up into something truly lavish.

You heard the familiar click of a bottle being opened. Azul tipped his head back and chugged it all down. Well, as much as he could chug it down, given he can’t raise his elbows past his shoulders. He shuddered and flopped back onto the bed. You collected the bottle from his loose hands before making your way out.

“Why,” Azul coughed out, just the act of swallowing all that was enough to exhaust him, “are you helping me?”

Funny how the other two housewardens asked this very same question. And you have a suitable answer to give. One that will register clearly in their heads without badgering you with questions.

“Because,” you looked over your shoulder, tossing the empty bottle into the trash outside the room, “while you’re here, you have no choice but to think of ways to make it up to me. You pulled a lot of bullshit back there.”

You can’t exactly admit to him, or anyone in this college, that it’s simple manners to care for the sick and injured. Sick and injured means they’re weak, and everyone in this damn place never want to be anywhere near that word, let alone implications. And it doesn’t help that they side-eye any sort of kindness that doesn’t have strings attached.

Better to speak their language. Makes it easier.

“And? What if I decide I don’t owe anything to you?” His eyes narrowed, as expected, but they’re not baffled at least. Within his line of expectations.

“You will.” One things for sure, even if you admit you have no way of making them repay, the other two have done so without much complaint.

“Excuse me?”

“You will. Repay me, that is. You do realize I’m not the only set of eyes watching you, correct?” And just as you said it, flickers of golden dust kissed your windows. Faeries have a finesse with magic that no other person can replicate. But still, they know they can't linger around this room for too long. “Besides, folks like you aren’t keen to be parasites upon the mercy of others.”

Azul already looked like a fragile piece of coral in that puffed up bed, but the sigh that left him made him look thinner than a morgue sheet. “I give up. I really can’t escape making a due payment, can I? I suppose I was too harsh in my…decision to take your dorm from under your nose.”

“Yup.”

“And attempt to convince you to negotiate with your little friends into working for me.”

“Bribe, Ashengrotto. And the faeries are still pissed at you for that.” To imply those faeries are somehow under your command, that opinions mattered less than yours was an insult to them. And what is it with him and trying to soften the blow into his own deeds? Does he really think that type of framing will do him any favors?

“Of course they are. Foolish of me to forget their delicate temperaments.”

“Oh trust me, you would’ve made them angry one way or the other.” Faeries aren’t too keen on greed, but fate certainly has a way of attracting those unsavory individuals to them. “So no need to worry about that. Just rest. You’ll be here for a while. Think of it as a vacation, or something.”

A vacation that will drive you mad with how little there is to do here, but still. He has no choice but to adapt until the doc gives him the green light to attend college again.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst-drabbles #twst-drabbles exclusive #drabble #octavinelle #azul #azul ashengrotto #janitor au #reader insert

[hell-is-a-teenage-girll]

Rant about my health and life coming it's alot so only do it if you're interested and also very important TW mention of end of life.

I am going to the hospital again tomorrow.

I had a break down last night. Saying I can't do it anymore.

If it wasn't for my cats, I would end it all.

Being in pain 24/7 drives you crazy.

I've been in survival mode so much that even certain organs don't function the way they should.

For people who maybe don't know. Our instincts come from back in the days where we had to maybe flee from a big animal for example. And when you have to survive, you can't get tired, because you need to run. You can't get hungry, cause you need to run. You can't feel happy or anything, because you can only think of survival.

I started to notice my morphine didn't do anything, neither did anything I took after. One day I took morphine, muscle relaxer, sleeping pills, and I felt NOTHING. No pain relief, not feeling high.

I also had my chronic migraines again, my period again. (I take meds for the chronic migraine and have to take the pill for my endometriosis)

Turns out I have gastric paralysis from the situation I'm in. So my meds didn't go in my blood etc, just straight through the body. Which is why nothing worked. I now need medication to to make my stomach work to.. Take my medication..

I have a depression again. I am $uicidal.

I won't hurt myself don't worry, I wouldn't leave my cats. My partner, best friends, my mom are also all suffering from my condition. As in it pains them to see this all and they care.

A condition doesn't only affect the person who feels it. But also the environment.

I went in this procedure with pain on 26th of September, and because it went wrong, I also came out of it with pain.

In total now when it comes to my face, I've been in pain and surviving for 6months now.

I am done. I need either a period that they say okay we'll give it 2 more months and then we really need to take steps, or give me pain relief NOW.

But just hearing '' it can take up to months until the nerves fix themselves, it could be okay '' doesn't cut it. Because sure they can heal in their own time, but I cannot be in pain for all those months? This isn't humane.

And then the doctor of the hospital called this morning after my mom reached out to them saying it can't continue like this. And we said specifically let the doctor call my mom. But then my phone rings, they called me. And I hear

'' - what do you want me to do..''

'' - I think it's important just to get you calm right now. ''

But I can come by tomorrow. With my mom because the issue is I am scared to stand up for myself and will say to quickly '' it's okay''. And it's not. Which is why we wanted them to talk to my mother.

After that call, I called my mom crying that they are pushing these meds on me that have a shit ton of side effects, I already take 7 pills a day (now even 10). And they wanna add more.

I don't wanna become a '' junkie'' depending on the morphine. Because i' m scared I often just sit through the agonizing pain. But if I don't get decent pain relief, I will have to dependant on it. Because if I have to do this for more months.. I am scared I will do something stupid eventually that will be unreturnable.

My best friend told me yesterday '' you have no quality of life. ''

And it's true. And he hates it, and I hate it aswell.

My mom then called to my doctors office (GP) the secretary picked up. She told me afterwards that she was crying to her that it's an emergency to please let her talk to my doctor. And they did. My mom also cried during that conversation. And my doctor agreed, it's going to far, someone needs to help. So he moved heaven and earth to say it like that and got me an appointment with another neurologist in another hospital, the 15th of January. It normally takes months. But he made it happen. And I swear.. This man.. Saved my life more times then he knows.

I am very nervous for tomorrow tho and if they will do something or just tell me again '' sorry it happened I wish I could do something but most likely after months it will heal. '' I feel rage, cause it's easy to say that when you aren't feeling it.

Today I also broke down at my chiropractor.

She said I looked pale. I said I had been crying for 2 days now. And when I told her that I felt suicidal, she said '' no no no, if you ever feel like you're gonna do something, you call me okay?? " and I cried and she hugged me. And then sat with me to talk. And she wants to take me out on walks in her private time.

I also have my psychologist tomorrow, she is also fighting to help me. Last time she literally took me in on the weekend in her private time.

I am glad for my support. But I just can't anymore.. The pain is driving me crazy. Which is also scientifically proven. Your brain changes.

So again, the fact that my content has changed so much is because of that.

Because I am not me.. Not anymore.

But hopefully I will find a way. Even just a little.

If you read all this, wow. You're a star. And thank you ❤️

And eventho I prefer not to let people see me this way. It's the truth, it's how bad it is, it's not pretty, I don't sleep, barely eat, don't feel feelings of fun, my skin is bad,.. But it's me. And because I love you guys, most of you are so lovely so it's only fair to share.

Love you.

#My illness #Chronic pain #Trigeminal neuralgia #Operation gone wrong #Facial pain #nerve pain #Chronic illness #My text

[armpirate]

The Only One || JJK || Ch. 26

Pairings: mafia!jk x fem!reader

Genre: smut, angst, mafia, contract relationship

Warnings: Prostitution, torture, blood, use of drugs and weapons

Summary: You've always wished for a better life. Every single day at work, you were hoping something would change. Although you didn't think that change would come in the form of one mysterious man and a contract.

His controlling and selfish behaviour only wanted to keep you away from any other man that wasn't him, and you only had to wait for him.

Too bad you really thought you'd be smarter than Jeon Jungkook.

Previous || Next

MASTERLIST

Aprox. time of reading: 11 minutes

Jungkook waited patiently for the doctor to be done with Y/n. Joonwoo had looked after his family, and after all the Bangtan members for decades. He was the same one that looked after his father after he was shot, and who looked after his health until the very end. 

His stomach straightened when he remembered the way her eyes closed while her body collapsed, close to falling to the ground if he hadn't been fast enough to pick her up before that could happen. He carried her all the way from the main door to what was her room, hurrying Yejun to call Joonwoo and get him to his house as soon as possible. And he made sure not to leave her side. At least until his doctor asked him to wait outside, so he could work better. She was in good hands after all. 

He waited, sitting on the first step of the stairs, glancing every once in a while over his shoulder, hopeful that Joonwoo would come out with good news. Although he was caught off guard when that happened, surprised by him being mid way towards the stairs. Jungkook tried to read his expression before he spoke, looking for any glimpse of worry to go a step ahead of what he was going to say, but he just was neutral. 

—She is okay —he assured, placing his glasses over the bridge of his nose with his middle finger—. She had a vasovagal syncope. If she lived a triggering event, it's normal that her heart rate dropped and caused her to faint. She'll recover from it.

—So, she's okay? —he asked again, needing a second confirmation.

—She is —Joonwoon nodded—. But she seems to be in an early stage of malnutrition. Could be that also caused her to pass out —moving his briefcase from one hand to the other, he continued—. She has several bruises and wounds on her body, but it doesn't seem like anything is fractured or could've led to a more serious condition. So if you're worried about that being the cause, it's not. Just let her rest, make her eat and make sure she's in a relaxed environment. 

—Thank you.

Shrugging, Joonwoon said all he needed to say without words. The Jeon family had been protecting his family for years, giving them all the good treats that they could think of and also paid him for his work. There was nothing to be thankful for, because that was what he needed to do. 

Jungkook looked at Yejun, who instantly walked from her door to his boss as soon as he was aware.

—Tell everyone to leave. Or, at least, tell them I don't want them inside the house.

Yejun didn't bother to know why. He didn't really need to. He understood Y/n would need to be calm, and seeing the house filled with men dressed with expensive suits, watching her every move, wouldn't work out. 

✸ ✸ ✸

Y/n woke up suddenly, sitting fast on the bed as she managed to find out where she was. Last time she passed out, she woke up in the hospital, tied to a whistling noise from a machine and being told that she almost died in the middle of the street. And she would have if Jorge hadn't found her and taken her to the hospital. 

Brushing those memories aside, and moving her hand away from her belly, 

she looked around, trying to tell the figures of the furniture apart in the dark. Her heart was beating fast, and she thought she'd be close to collapsing again at the idea of everything being just a dream. She was scared of turning the light on, unable to think of what she'd do if she actually was back in the room she had spent the last three weeks in. 

She breathed deeply, and regained some control when the LED lights showed her the place she never thought she'd miss. It looked the exact same way it did before she left. 

Her body felt funny as she dragged it over the mattress, leaving her feet hanging on one side as she tried to encourage herself to stand up. It just took her a minute. And even then, she stumbled at the first step she took. 

The golden knob of the door fell in her fingers, followed by the wood opening completely when she pulled from it. She stood there, opening and closing the door a few times, confused at her own surprise every single time she was able to open it. 

She dragged her clothed feet over the floor, hugging herself tight. She was finally aware of the new clothes. She was wearing a gray hoodie she had never seen before, and she was genuinely wondering if it belonged to Jungkook by how big it looked on her. 

It wasn't like she genuinely expected to find him there, while she struggled to go downstairs; but at the same time, she was hopeful he'd be there. Although there were no signs of him, he was nowhere to be seen when she finally reached the final step and got to the living room. She kept walking though, making her way to the library. 

But he wasn't there either. 

—You shouldn't be here —his tone was serious.

His expression wasn't in sync with the tone of his voice. He sounded annoyed, but he was looking concerned as his eyes wandered over her carefully. 

—The doctor said you should get some rest —Jungkook informed her.

—I... I couldn't stay in there —he let him know, eyes dropping to his white socks.

She had known Jungkook for a few months already, but she had always seen him in expensive suits, or well dressed, with his hair always perfectly slicked to his sides. So it was weird to see him in comfortable clothes, with an oversized gray t-shirt and cozy shorts, with his hair completely done, his bangs hiding his forehead -and part of his eyebrow piercing- from her. His eyes softened at the mention of her being unable to stay inside her room, looking at her delicately. 

—Well... —he sighed— He also said I should make you eat. So let's try that. 

—Isn't it a bit too late to get some food delivered?

—Delivered? —he raised his eyebrow— You don't think I can cook?

Shaking her hands in the air, she tried to explain herself. But Jungkook cut her off before she found any justification to her words.  It wasn't like he needed them, he understood what she tried to say. 

—Shall we eat in the garden? —he suggested.

Reminded of how she didn't even want to stay inside her room, Jungkook thought that it'd be good for her to just get some fresh air. And it was worth it when he saw the way her eyes shined with his suggestion. 

—Is it...? —she stopped for a second after she found herself stumbling her own words— Can we?

—Sure —he nodded—. I'll prepare something, and you can wait outside meanwhile. 

Soon that brightness in her eyes was combined with a wide smile, wasting no time as she opened the big sliding door in the kitchen that led to the garden. She had always seen it, looking at it curiously while she had breakfast or lunch, convinced that she'd never experience just hanging out there.

It was chilly outside, although not enough to make her feel cold. And she was sure she'd be able to handle it that day. Even if it was freezing, she was sure that not even that would force her to step back inside. Soon after, she was taking off the long black socks, holding them in her fingers while she felt short grass tickling on the sole of her foot and in between her toes. Probably a bit too into the feeling, to the point of getting lost in it and losing any right perception of time. 

Y/n thought it had been seconds since she stepped inside, when it had been twenty minutes since she did. At first, Jungkook looked through the window, her back facing the door, while she stared down at her feet drawing invisible lines on the grass. And he couldn't help but feel guilty. That was the type of freedom she had always talked about, that was the type of freedom she had always aimed for. and not only he took it away from her once, but twice. Although that was probably the most freedom she had ever experienced in her life.

He didn't even want to call her for dinner because he knew that'd interrupt whatever she was doing. But he might've been looking at her too intensely, because she turned to him with a smile, finally giving him the sign he needed to get the bowls and two pairs of chopsticks to head outside. 

—Grab the chopsticks like this —he showed her the position of his fingers, picking up some noodles with them right after—, and slurp.

She unconsciously smiled when she saw him eating loudly. She also tried to hold the chopsticks properly, while holding her bowl with her left hand; but the noodles just slipped away at every attempt she made, having her huffing after the sixth try. 

Jungkook stopped eating, concentrating on her for a while after it seemed like she almost had it, but the noodle slid through the small space in between her chopsticks until it sank back in the soup. He just giggled, leaving her bowl on the grass before he was walking on her back, squatting behind her. Y/n was surprised by his sudden proximity, but couldn't make herself be bothered by it, even less when his chest was against her back as his hand covered hers, positioning her fingers properly. She could even feel his breathing moving some of the locks near her neck. But if she had any thoughts, those were soon replaced when Jungkook made her lift her hand, making her aware that she finally made it to catch some noodles successfully. 

—Now slurp —he whispered.

Turning her head to him, she was surprised by how close he actually was and how he managed to keep his eyes on her all the time. He moved away only when she had her cheeks full of food, munching on it, and after he made sure to clean the drop of soup rolling down her cheek with his thumb. 

Soon after they were both done with food, both of their bowls rested together on the side while they just hung out outside. Y/n kept playing with the grass, while Jungkook just stared at her. 

—There was a girl with me there —she mentioned out of nowhere—. Did she get to the car?

Jungkook nodded, finally getting the final confirmation that Y/n was the one that sent that girl to where he was. 

—She is Jihu's daughter —she let him know.

—I know —he sighed—. One of the guards that were with her recognized her, and told me who she was. Sanhyuk used her to manipulate Jihu.

—What will happen to them?

—They'll be okay —he assured her—. They'll be sent somewhere else. Everything is ready to send them to Thailand over the weekend. Jihu messed it all up, but he was always loyal to my father; and we all mess it up when something we care about is in danger.

Y/n looked away when his black eyes landed on her while he said that. She didn't want to totally delude herself into thinking she was important to him at all. It was probably his pride acting up that made him make the decisions he did. 

—Where is your father? I don't think I've ever seen him in either of all those gangsters conventions —she joked.

—He died —the sudden drop of her smile, and the guilt on her face made him speak faster—. It's okay. It comes with the business, I guess. Some people will respect you, and some others will try to kill you to get that same respect.

Y/n could see where he was coming from. She was able to tell there wasn't a single lie in all those words. Especially not after everything they both went through those weeks. 

—What about your parents?

—Hmm —she sighed—. It's complicated.

Mainly, because she didn't know if they were dead or alive. She hadn't heard anything from them since she was kicked out of home when she was eighteen. It wasn't like she wanted to go on deeper with that part of the story, and he didn't want to force her to, but his eyes were craving for more information. 

—They kicked me out when I was younger, and I haven't heard anything from them ever since —she just shrugged—. And it's not like I'd want to either —her eyebrows slightly frowned at the thought of seeing them again—. They're my parents on paper, but in reality they're just strangers as of now.

While Jungkook knew there was probably more to it, he controlled his curiosity. A lot of things had happened in the last few days, the last thing she needed was to remember the past she clearly didn't want to think about. 

—You should go to sleep —he suggested—. It's too cold here, and you've barely got some rest these weeks. 

She agreed to it, although she ended up leaving her room and going back downstairs the second she heard Jungkook's door closing. Dragging her pillow to the living room, she made the couch her new bed. She laid in her bed for only five minutes, and she thought that the air was escaping her lungs with every second, the walls kept closing around her. The only thing she could think about was escaping. 

Jungkook, who was closed inside his room, but couldn't find a way to put himself to sleep, thought about checking on Y/n a few times as he rolled on his bed, but every single time he scolded himself for it. He ended up doing it anyway, opening the door carefully, trying not to wake her up. 

All of his thoughts went from nothing to thinking about absolutely every possible situation that put Y/n in the worst of the dangers. He hurried, walking downstairs and getting mentally prepared for the worst, while he tried to think about the orders he was going to give to his men in case they hadn't seen her. But a figure made him stop on his tracks.

Through the corner of his eyes, he saw a bulk on his couch -and her clothes also stood out over the light colors of the sofa. 

His heart beat lowered at the sight of her, peacefully sleeping while she hugged herself. He could do nothing but scoff at the way she was sleeping. Y/n bothered to bring the pillow with her, but forgot about the blanket.

Unable to sleep on a whole different floor from her, Jungkook also picked up his pillow along with the blanket, setting it all on the floor next to the couch. His eyes were lost on her relaxed expression for a few seconds, finally getting out of the trance when she puckered her lips in her sleep. 

Jungkook covered them both with the blanket, checking on her one last time before he finally laid on the floor and tried to put an end to such a hectic day. 

Taglist: @kaiparkerwifes @sheylamc @amy2006jones @allamericanuniverse @00frenchfries00 @massivelyfullenthusiast

#fanfic #ff #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkookxreader #jk #bts #wattpad #kookie #smut #jungkook smut #mafia!au #The Only One #reader insert #armpirate

[lains-reality]

hi love, this is directed towards the anon with difficult circumstances (or maybe you as well, if you can help)

https://www.tumblr.com/lains-reality/724561014842114048/hi-im-this-anon

I realise that your blog isn’t void focused or loa focused. I apologise for sending this ask anyway. I really don’t mean to trouble you with further questions, this one will be it.

I understand non dualism and it temporarily gives me peace, gives me temporary solutions to problems that i have created (myself) over time (that seem permanent like the anon mentioned about her uni)

After i read the post, i would let my thoughts pass by and just focus on “I AM” nothing else and i would feel instant pressure around my third eye, i feel like i’m in a trance. I have done this before too because i follow infinite.ko on instagram and that page is really good if anyone wants to understand or be in the loop of non dualism on ig.

My question to the anon and i’d throw it over to you too lain, if you feel like you have any advice. I want to enter the void, i observe my thoughts pass by and i get the trance like feeling and stay there. To the anon, how did you exactly enter the void? If you don’t mind talking about in more detail as to how you did it? (or anyone reading who has tapped in before in a similar manner)

i won’t be going into my circumstances but i’ll just say every second counts and as much as i detach myself from the situation cause i know that we are all one, it only gives me a temporary solution like i mentioned earlier. I realise there’s nothing to get or desire cause we are all one but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first. I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void” and i see it, i promise you i can see how it looks for anyone reading this but any help would be so greatly appreciated.

I’d like to apologise again if this was out of line in any sense.

"I want to enter the void"

what is the void to you? a magical place? its just I AM. alone, with no conditions or labels. you are already that. you just want to realise it. so you want Self, not the void.

"I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void”"

it sounds like you already understand... if you've read this much then you get that we drop desires here right?

read this and this (this one is loa).

quick quotes from the posts:

However, people treat it as something they have to acquire on the outside, the same as they do with their desires. And that's how the desperation starts. Changing consciousness means changing your state of being. To "reach" the void you don't become desperate in trying to get somewhere, you practice being it! What people do is struggle and expect that by some miracle they'll wake up there. Did I do it right? Was I there??? Where do you expect you're going?

It's still trying from ego so instead of dissolving it, you are seeking for something to happen (like have the mind engulfed by darkness) I don't recommend imagining to be anything, not even emptiness, but instead just disbelieve in the things you see or take yourself to be. 1

the reason you're trying to get into the void is because you don't like your current life and because there are so many aspects you want to change, you're carrying the burden of changing the 3d on your shoulders. you're viewing the void state as something that will magically change and solve everything. so you're trying to get into the void so you can finally change the 3d.

the void obsession is anti-neville, anti-law, anti-mental health, anti-well being, anti-manifesting, anti-everything.

ngl i really hate the void, people are so obsessive over it and it focuses on the wrong thing.

also

"but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first"

why can't you be happy now? why can't you see whats okay now? why can't you allow yourself some peace through the day now? why are you postponing your own life, happiness and peace for something you may or may not get? you already don't see yourself as the void already so.. you're not losing anything if you stopped striving for the void.

theres ONLY NOW. not later. you can only experience now. why stop yourself feeling a little better NOW?

the desire is not gonna do anything. you can absolutely get everything and then still end up depressed later. you get a high with the desire, and then when everything settles, you go back to being yourself (an ego, if you don't id as Self) and then there'll be more problems to fix. because the ego only wants to fix, consume, try, do etc even to the detriment of itself. all the non-dual bloggers are telling you 'be free of that!'

i've asked before.. do you want to be free or do you want the desire? do you want the truth, or do you want the desires?

things come into the "3d" to die.

#lainsmail

[reverie-starlight]

hello, hope ure doing well :D may i please request an akaashi fic where the reader is going thru grief of the passing of their mother and can’t focus in class leading onto low grades for their semester exam making them feel even worse bc that’s not what their mom wants (reader always gets good grades) and reader feels like a disappointment and just breaks down one day?? i’m so sorry if this is too specific, just finding it hard to cope and no one understands!! thank you so much <3

ANON I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG, but I have literally been dealing with exactly what you requested (still am, but now I'm on reading week so :P). And since I'm literally writing this immediately after a rough grieving session of my own, I feel like now I can tackle it and do it justice. bc... as someone who also used to get good grades before my mom died then started almost failing everything after... this hits hard!!

And just another little side note, I'm so sorry for your loss. if you ever want to reach out to talk to someone who's going through the same thing, my inbox or my messages are always open <3 dead mom club solidarity !! thank you so much for your request, anon and again i'm SO sorry this took so long.

{Grades and Grief- Akaashi}

warnings: death of mother (mentioned and focused on, no descriptive details), depression/grief, anxiety, this counts as hurt/comfort right? fluff and lots of support from akaashi. university life needs to be a warning tbh so its here.

gn!reader, timeskip!akaashi (except it's more like, in between the time skip cause it's university)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

your heart dropped as you opened your emails and saw that the grades for your midterms had been posted.

on one hand you were hopeful. maybe you did better than you expected? maybe you would open up the online portal and see that you passed. just a pass, that's all you were hoping for at this point.

you ignored the way your stomach twisted at the fact that all you wanted was a pass. you used to be at the top of your classes in high school, and now you were barely scraping by.

but deep down you knew it would be a failing grade. it was getting impossible to hope for anything better. you could barely find it in yourself to go to class some days, let alone actually study. it required more brain power than you could expend.

and on the days you did go to class, you felt like a zombie. mindless, lethargic, stupid. definitely not in any condition to take notes that were good enough to aid you.

you opened the email and sighed. another fail. you tried to convince yourself that you'd do better next time. that you'd start studying earlier, you'd go to your professor's office hours and ask questions, you'd do the work that needed to be done.

your future was at stake, why couldn't you just put in the the work-

this was one test in one class. there would be other chances to raise your grade.

breathe.

how many times can I keep telling myself that before I stop believing it? before it becomes an empty promise?

breathe. you'll be okay.

it's self-sabotage, how much longer can I just stay like this? mom wouldn't have wanted this for me. she'd want to see me succeed. I'm such a-

breathe.

you tried to do exactly what your boyfriend kept telling you: be kind to yourself. "you're grieving the death of someone who was supposed to be there your whole life. the one person you never thought would leave. it's completely natural to be struggling with your mental health right now. don't be mean to yourself." is what he had said. "take the time to feel what you need to feel, bottling it up will only make it worse."

you sighed and curled yourself into a ball on your bed. you were finding it hard to breathe.

feel what you need to feel, huh? when was the last time you had a good cry session, anyway?

the tightness in your chest only grew as you started to tear up. you tried to keep the thoughts of being a disappointment to your mother away, but you glanced at the picture of her smiling face on your nightstand and winced.

if she could see you know, you wondered if she would be angry or comforting.

grieving was one of the loneliest experiences anyone could ever deal with. unique to each person, not one person to share the same memories with, becoming acutely aware of your own timeline. and not something that happens often to young people. none of your friends understood. they could try, but they'd never get it. and sometimes you felt like they didn't even care enough to attempt it.

you've never felt more alone and you've never been more aware of it.

"and if you ever need comfort, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'm always here to listen. it's never going to be too much."

so instead of dwelling on it, you picked up your phone and called the one person who would.

it took three rings for akaashi to pick up.

the smile in his voice immediately soothed you. anything related to your boyfriend felt like a blanket to you. comforting, warm and soft. "hello, my love, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

you sniffed and tried to get some words out without choking up. "keiji," his name came out pitifully.

"oh sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"can you come over, please? I need you."

"of course I can, I'll be right there. I love you."

"I love you, please be careful."

the second you hung up the phone, you let more tears fall freely. you didn't even know what you were crying about anymore, there were so many emotions mixed up inside you. but for some reason you didn't want to fully let loose while you were alone. you wanted comfort when you were at your most vulnerable- comfort and validation you weren't capable of giving yourself in that moment. there was only one other person who could give you that now.

while you waited, you thought more about your mother. it really wasn't fair that you had to lose her, why did she have to go? it didn't matter how long it had been since she passed, this type of pain will be everlasting, you thought.

ten minutes later you heard the door to your apartment unlock and you got up to greet him. he had a bunch of bags in his arms that he set down the minute he saw you walk out of your room.

he held his arms open and you crashed into him immediately. finally you felt safe enough to let the dam break. akaashi shushed you as you sobbed into his chest, rubbing your back gently and whispering soft affirmations into your ears.

"what happened, my love?"

"I- I failed another test," you hiccupped. "and I don't know what to do to help myself get out of this hole."

"oh dear... it's going to be okay."

he tenderly picked you up and carried you to the bedroom and you continued to cry into his shoulder. his heart broke at the sound of your whimpers.

once you were both settled comfortably on your bed, you took one of his hands and played with his fingers. "keiji, am I a disappointment?"

he shook his head before you could even finish speaking. "never."

"I just feel like I'm letting so many people down, myself included, but mainly my mom... her one request throughout my whole life was that I do my best in school. and now I'm failing and I can't help but think-" your voice cracked and he cupped your cheek with his other hand.

"baby, look at me. you are not a disappointment, okay? you are so far from that ever even being a possibility. and she would be so proud of you."

you looked up at him and your eyes widened. "but I'm not living up to her expectations-"

"you're doing your best. she would understand that."

"I'm not, though!" a flash of red hot anger ran through you. "I'm not doing my best! If I were doing my best, I'd be passing. I'd be studying, paying attention in my classes and not just staying in bed. not just staring at the ceiling and dissociating for hours when I need to be working on assignments. I'm not doing my best and I don't know how to fix it!" instead of getting upset at you for blowing up, he just listened to what you were saying.

as you got up to pace the room, you kept ranting. "I know something needs to change, I can't keep going on like this, but it's like I'm stuck, keiji, I don't know what to do and I'm so angry. and I'm tired, exhausted, actually. I hate this, I feel useless. I'm in limbo. I don't know why I can't force myself to change, but I'm absolutely not doing my best."

true anger wasn't an emotion you felt often before your mom died, but now you were well acquainted with it. you thanked your lucky stars you scored a partner as patient as akaashi.

"have you considered that you're doing the best with what you have right now?"

you paused and looked at him. "what?"

he shifted and took your hand. "my love, you've been through something extremely traumatic. you've told me before that you've been in survival mode for a very long time now. that's not your fault. you can't control it on your own. keeping that in mind, you absolutely are doing your best. you get up and keep going everyday. even though it scares you. you're still kind, and actively striving to be a good person. this rough patch is temporary, everything will be okay. she would be proud of you for everything you've overcome so far."

you bit your lip and looked down, shaking your head. "what if this is 'my best' forever? what if I'm not capable of changing anymore?"

"anyone is capable of change at any given time, my love, you're the one who told me that. I promise you, everything will be okay. and besides," he tugged your hand to guide you onto his lap. "the willingness to change and not just refuse to heal is there."

"but what if it takes too long?"

"it won't. there's no such thing as too long, everyone's healing process is different. and you have me by your side as well, ready to help however you need." he finished his speech with a kiss to your nose and you smiled a bit.

"...thank you, keiji. I love you."

"I love you too, dear. I'll be here as long as you'll let me."

"forever, if that's alright with you?"

"of course, my love." his arms tightened around you.

"can we stay like this for a bit longer?"

"mhmm, you've had a big day. we can cuddle for as long as you need."

you buried your face into the crook of his neck and planted a few kisses. "I love you,"

he kissed the top of your head. "I love you too, sweetheart."

you repeated the phrase over and over again, smiling a little wider each time he returned the sentiment with a kiss to your face.

"can I ask you one more thing?"

"go ahead."

"are you proud of me despite me failing so much this year?"

"I'm so proud of you, baby. nothing would ever change that."

looking up at him with wide eyes, he just smiled and leaned down to kiss your lips. "so proud of my baby. always trying their best. so sweet, so kind, just needs to be loved on a little extra sometimes. all mine."

a happy sigh was released, and with it, most of the tension in your body, so you rested against your boyfriend. "all yours."

you felt a lot better now. not perfect, and still uncertain about some things, but at least with akaashi there you knew you didn't have to go it alone.

~BONUS SCENE~

after a while of cuddling in bed, a thought hit you and you shot up, obviously in a clearer, less fuzzy state of mind.

"love, what were all those bags you had earlier? did you stop somewhere before you came?"

his eyes widened a bit and a blush spread over his cheeks. "yes and no. uh... before you called, I was actually picking us up some food and other things for a stay-in date night. I was planning on surprising you today."

you could have burst into tears again at how cute his confession was. "keijiiiii, you're so sweet!" you ran your fingers through his hair a bit and he melted into the touch. "what a sweet boy I have," you cooed.

he made a noise of protest and you giggled. "can we go see what you bought? please?"

he nodded and smiled at you. he was so glad you seemed to be in better spirits now. there wasn't anything akaashi keiji wouldn't do to see you happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this was literally just me projecting holy shit. that was really a look inside my brain, wow. but anon I hope you enjoyed it!! and I hope it was worth the wait, I'm so so so so sorry it took so long. this is the first thing I've managed to write in a while (and I wrote this all in one sitting!!). But the ask was very therapeutic for me, I really need this type of validation :'D

#akaashi x reader #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji fluff #akaashi x reader fluff #akaashi x reader angst #akaashi keiji angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader fluff #haikyuu x reader angst

[cemetrygatess]

Some thoughts and tips on beating writers block:

1. You cannot beat writers block by wanting to write

And in fact in my experience, the more you want to write, the less able you will be to do so. For me, the biggest step in overcoming writers block is accepting that I have it and that’s normal and okay. More pressure and self critical thinking has never helped me.

2. Ban yourself from writing

Reverse psychology can be something you do to yourself!! Set a date before which you are not allowed to write (a week, a month your choice). Whenever I do this I rarely make it to the day I said I would without “cheating” and writing.

3. When you are writing, set future you up for success.

Write one sentence of the next section or chapter. Or give yourself a little outline of what happens next. Write a few bits of dialogue for an upcoming portion. Anything that makes it so you are not tackling something empty next time you start.

4. Classically condition yourself

This one is going to sound nuts but I did it on accident for work. Every day I would play a specific number game (nerdle) to get my brain started and that made we wake up a bit and be ready to code. Now I can play that game and get started working so much more easily than before. It can be anything- a place to sit, a flavor of tea, some activity you do before, etc etc etc. Ideally it should something you like doing but only do before writing. Of course you have to start this while you’re writing, but once the connection is there you can trick your brain later. Also! You may have done this without realizing, in which case, following your old habits might help you write!

5. It’s okay to switch WIPs

If George RR Martin can do it so can you! Will he ever write winds of winter? Seemingly no, but he has written other books. If there’s a Problem with something you’re writing you can and should take a break and write something else. If your thing is too sad, write something happy. If it’s too complicated and plotty, write something simple. You might find yourself drawn back to what made excited about the wip later.

6. Done is better than Perfect/editing is easier than writing

All hail the shitty first draft! It can be terrible! So bad! It’s easier to write poorly than well. Give yourself permission to write poorly.

7. Community helps

Join a writers group or discord! Little group writing sprints and discussions make writing less solitary and more communal. Similarly, doing writing for specific events (NaNoWriMo or fandom exchanges etc) can help you feel like you are writing for something and often there is a community built in! People that wrote a lot for school sometimes find a deadline helpful.

8. Is it really writers block?

You might have writers block, or you might have other stuff going on! Maybe the writers block is actually a symptom of a mental or physical health issue. Maybe you’re really stressed at work or school or by family. I recommend going after the cause if this is the case! See a therapist or a doctor! Finish school! Change jobs! Move somewhere better! The writing will be there when you are ready for it. In the meantime forgive yourself for being human.

#writeblr #writers block

[sylvies-chen]

is titling your metas too tacky? I don’t know but here’s some ramblings on

reading anakin’s arc in ROTS as a journey of mental illness:

I wanna preface this by saying I’m not a mental health professional so this information and analysis is not expertly informed. This is based off of very mild research that I’ve done as well as just my lived experience with how I’ve witnessed mental illness in the people I know and love. If I say anything that is ignorant, please do not hesitate to respectfully let me know.

••••••••

First off, it’s well worth establishing that Anakin’s main grappling moments before his true turn to evil in episode 3 were caused by the fear of losing Padme. And when you see the way the news of her pregnancy affects him, it’s really easy to see that news/piece of information as Anakin’s central stressor or trigger. So it’s very important to note that whatever mental illnesses I talk about here would also have been exacerbated by both that fact and by Palpatine’s influence and manipulation.

Anakin’s big outburst with order 66 and his fight with Padme and Obi Wan could all speak to it being an episode of psychosis. Psychosis can be triggered by something as mundane as an extreme disruption in sleep— which was true for Anakin from the minute Padme tells Anakin she’s pregnant. Interestingly, he’s had a history of sleep loss since AOTC too, briefly mentioning to Obi Wan that he doesn’t sleep well anymore.

Further, psychotic episodes or disorders will contain one or more of five categories: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thought, disorganized behavior, and negative symptoms. We know already that both in AOTC and ROTS, he’s plagued with visions. (This one’s just obvious. Visions… dreams… hallucinations… Just because they actually come true doesn’t mean it isn’t a form of hallucination!! He’s seeing things that aren’t yet real!!!) But the twisted logic Anakin develops leading him to equate the mass murder of younglings with doing the right thing is akin to disorganized thought and delusion. His main delusion, obviously, is that he has to do unspeakable things and be a sith or else Padme will die in childbirth and this is the only way he can save her. This is close to what’s called a nihilistic delusion: when someone believes major catastrophes will occur if not for performing a certain action.

Now, sleep loss obviously doesn’t cause psychosis on its own but moreso is what pulls the trigger on psychosis in someone who’s been exposed to trauma or is already very mentally ill. That then begs the question: what are the broader underlying conditions to Anakin’s psychosis?

The most obvious answer is the trauma he suffered at such a young age. Anakin was the oldest youngling to have ever been recruited by the jedi. He had already grown to know the love of his mother, especially since it was the only true love he really had in his life up until that point, and then was forced to walk away from it. He also knew powerlessness, and knew the degrading nature of being someone’s property. Like even as a kid, you understand the lack of autonomy that comes with slavery. Oh, and as if that wasn’t enough, his mother had to be brutally tortured and killed! And as reckless as Anakin was at the beginning of AOTC, he wasn’t outright violent until then. Losing the first thing he ever knew to love and protect is a deeply scarring trauma, especially when it happens before you reach the age of twenty.

So trauma does play a significant part in triggering the psychosis in the 3rd quarter of ROTS, especially because having visions of losing Padme that were so similar to the visions he had of his mother dying, re-opened his trauma, sort of akin to retraumatization as often seen in people with PTSD.

However, many signifcant aspects of his character point not to PTSD, but to a type of dissociative disorder. We see so many small signs of complete dissociation in Anakin in ROTS, and hints of it in AOTC as well when he says he’s not supposed to be feeling angry, that there’s a war inside him, that he isn’t the jedi he was meant to be, etc. Already, he has a lot of identity confusion, a key component to dissociative disorders. To some extent, how could he not? He’s been pried from his mother’s hands and has been told by dozens of jedi and other people who he is and isn’t supposed to be since the age of 9. It’s not exactly giving him healthy and reasonable standards to live up to, nor is it giving him any room to embrace an identity of his own creation in any way. Before then it was Tatooine, and it’s not exactly like being a slave held space for him to really form and express an identity then either, apart from the identity of loving son. (The dramatic reaction to her death is starting to make more sense now, yeah?)

The depersonalization and derealization are very present in him, especially when he starts to confuse his dreams for reality/being set in stone and grapples with wondering who he even is anymore. Again, those two things are staples of dissociative disorders, which were likely set off and exacerbated by his trauma from childhood and youth.

Such a major component to the argument that Anakin has some dissociative disorder is the paranoia we see practically oozing out of Anakin’s pores by the end of ROTS. (Oozing like lava- I SAID NOTHING CARRY ON.) A huge part of the paranoia is Palpatine’s creation, because he wanted Anakin trusting no one so that it’d be easier to have him eating out of the palm of his hand. But extreme paranoia is indicative of mental illness, and you know it’s not a healthy and stable Anakin who’s shouting “LIAR!” at the love of his life and mother of his children, who’s lying to her hours before that, who’s distrusting of the man who, as he says in AOTC, is the closest thing he has to a father. Padme and Obi Wan were the people he loved most in the world, and so seeing the paranoia turn him against them is so heartbreaking, because it’s the true indicator that this is not the true Anakin we’re dealing with. We are not our worst moments. We are our happiest ones. And Anakin on Mustafar was not a mentally stable Anakin. Hell, with the dissociative disorder’s symptoms at play too, it was hardly even Anakin at all.

We also see partial hints of amnesia in Vader/Anakin, most notably when Palpatine has to tell him/remind him that he choked out his own wife. There’s such a devastating tragedy to Anakin asking “Where’s Padme?” like a dog who doesn’t realize he killed the crow he held in his teeth minutes before, and wants it for a companion to play with once more. But it also shows memory loss, a key component of dissociative disorders, further supporting the idea that Vader is of Palpatine’s creation, whom he metaphorically implanted into Anakin during his phases of dissociation to control Anakin and snuff him out, but Anakin’s love for Padme still seeps through in Vader for a moment and he doesn’t remember what he did. To this extent, I think Vader loves Padme as well. Vader/Anakin deep into a psychosis and paranoid rage, however, did not.

A clear pattern begins to form: the childhood trauma of slavery and of losing a parent led to the development of a dissociative disorders (which are often caused, studies show, by unstable and frightening environments in youth or just as a way to cope with trauma). Then, his dissociation sets off an psychosis episode, agitated by Palpatine’s influence and manipulation during Anakin’s most vulnerable moments. Thus, the fall of Anakin Skywalker through the lens of someone with mental illness.

I do want to recognize that people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) are often poorly stereotyped as these very“Dr. Jekyl vs. Mr. Hyde” evil alter ego archetypes that are very harmful and not accurate. I do not intend to perpetuate these stereotypes any further. Identity alteration is a symptom of various dissociative disorders, not just DID, and so there can exist within Anakin that alteration of his identity to something so far removed from his original self during a dissociative episode or during psychosis without it necessarily being DID. To me, that’s what happened. Vader and Anakin, though treated like two distinct people by more than one character, are too enmeshed to be separate personalities. They aren’t the same, but it’s also worth noting that Anakin was able to do the right thing when it came to saving Luke. He never truly left. It was a matter of giving him a purpose, after having lost so many, to break free from the dissociative episode and the identity alteration and to return back to who he truly was, even at the risk of re-opening those old and painful wounds that time could never heal.

Finally, and most importantly, Anakin’s displayed symptoms of mental illness, his rage and trauma, and his grapplings with identity are not inherently evil things. Vader would not have even been so dark and so cruel a person if Palpatine hadn’t seen/felt/identified that space in Anakin for something wicked to grow and taken advantage of that, as people with mental illness often are. Palpatine planted the seed where something good or healthy could have grown, an identity that could have protected Anakin from his past trauma, from his visions, from himself, and instead Palpatine made it the thing that destroyed Anakin and everything he held dear.

And that’s a wrap!

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I mean that. You have thoughts? Share them! Comment or reblog or don’t be afraid to dm me!

TL;DR Anakin is mentally ill as fuck and somebody had to figured out what was going on in pookie bear’s twisted little neuron nugget

#the amount of hours I spent on this instead of sleeping is a sin #I have so many other thoughts related to this but yeah #hope this was enjoyable and not disgustingly dense for you guys #star wars #star wars prequels #anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker meta #padme amidala #obi wan kenobi

[butch-reidentified]

hello hello my lovely Tumblr gals!

I've been waiting to post about this until it was like, a forreal sure thing, but I'm SO excited I gotta share the news 🤩

soooo as most of you already know, my wife & I both have serious chronic health conditions, which come with severe chronic pain as well as all the other wonderful symptoms. We have been struggling to maintain a life of working full time, doing things we enjoy to keep ourselves sane, taking care of our 6 pets, and also getting chores/errands/tasks done like keeping the house clean, grocery shopping and cooking instead of frozen meals and doordash, etc. A couple weeks ago, I posted an ad on a roommate seeking page to "rent" out our spare bedroom. Except instead of money, the majority of the rent would be "paid" by helping us out with those sorts of tasks to help us live as close to a normal life as possible. I created a scaled system where the more assistance = the more the reduction in rent, with a very low cap on the money side of the rent bc we really don't want to take advantage of anyone or profit off renting out a room, so just enough to cover the basic costs. The goal was to find a mutually beneficial arrangement with someone who needed a place to live without paying the current horrifying rental prices of South FL, and was able bodied and capable of helping us out a bit (on their own schedule, around their other work/obligations).

I posted it pretty impulsively when I had the idea, thinking not many people would see it or respond to it, just sort of putting feelers out to see if there was any interest in that kind of arrangement. I specified female only (and of course got multiple messages from men). First thing the next morning, a woman who looks about my age sends me a message. She and her gf have been urgently looking for housing since the plans they had made had fallen through last minute, after they were already packed and everything with their lease ending at the end of February.

She was 100% good vibes right away. We messaged for a couple hours straight, just got talking, and intermittently throughout the day. It turned out there were so many strange coincidences between us, it was uncanny. And talking to her felt like talking to a close friend of many years, not a total stranger. That first day I talked to her, really good things happened to me the rest of the day. Solutions to problems that had been causing me stress for weeks or months fell into my lap. I'm not spiritual or superstitious or anything for the most part, but sometimes the universe is just screaming in your face that something is right.

We kept texting, and planned a video chat "wine date" to discuss the arrangement and get to know each other better. We talked for hours, past 2am, and it felt so natural. Never an awkward moment. We have very similar couple dynamics, we like the same lifestyle and hobbies, we have the exact same sense of humor and communication style, the first woman I had talked to and I go by the same nickname, their dog and one of our dogs are very similar breed mixes and born almost exactly just 1 month apart... I could go on. I mean we even buy the same brand of vapes 😅 They're clean freaks who enjoy cleaning together, and one of them is super into cooking and likes to keep an herb and vegetable garden (we have a huge backyard and have been longing for a garden for ages). I looked up their post in the group, which was posted weeks before mine, and they were a perfect match. We were looking for the exact same things in a roommate.

The decision was made that first video chat night (there have been more since). They were abso-fucking-lutely going to be our new roomies. I wrote up a unique lease, month to month like we both were looking for, and had it looked over by a lawyer, who said we're good to go. My wife and I have been gushing about them to all our friends and our parents. We've been calling it a "couples crush" 😂 I told them that, and they excitedly admitted they've been doing the same thing. My wife and I have also been so much happier and more productive and active since all this started.

These absolute angels have even offered to help us get the house clean from where it's at now instead of us rushing to deep clean before they arrive. They seem genuinely empathetic and like they want to help 😭 And we feel the same way about their housing and financial situation. We own the home, which means there's an inherent power dynamic when renting out a room, so I worked hard to talk to them and create a lease that would equalize as much as possible. My wife and I emphatically expressed that we want them to feel like it's fully their home - we remember from renting in the past how it can sometimes not feel like your home. For me, renting was damaging to my mental health. All the rules and restrictions made me feel unable to create a safe-feeling home environment. We don't want to put any restrictions on them when it comes to pets, drilling into walls, painting the room, re-landscaping the backyard, whatever. We also told them they're always welcome to give us feedback, communicate totally honestly with us about any of their needs, complaints, changes they want to the lease, etc.

Soooo with all that said... they're moving in on Friday! We are all counting the days. We already know we're gonna have a ton of fun together. We even agreed to have "family dinners" sitting together at the table a couple times a week 🙈 We are all just so dorky it's beautiful.

And! I accidentally said "gyns" referring to them in a message 😅 so I had to explain that, and they were SUPER interested and want us to teach them about radical feminism. Like??? We couldn't have created a more perfect roommate situation in a mad scientist's lab. I've been working on trusting my gut recently, as it never seems to lead me astray, and every instinct I have says this is Good.

#mine #roommates #happy posts #long post #terf house

[creature-wizard]

Y'know, one thing that sets Wicca: Satan's Little White Lie apart from the other "I'm a former member/victim of the global satanic conspiracy" literature I've read, is that Bill Schnoebelen actually argues against ideas he regards as "pagan," and some of what he says is perfectly reasonable.

Unfortunately, he isn't content to merely be a critic of these ideas. He also has to claim, falsely, that Wicca was created by this global satanic conspiracy, and that it's inherently violent and morally corrupting no matter what its practitioners say. He has to claim that he knows this because he, personally, was this Wiccan high priest who was eventually initiated into this global satanic conspiracy, and Wiccans are totally performing human sacrifice, you guys, it's totally part of the religion.

Now he's claiming that the Bible is like an "owner's manual" for human beings. Funny, you'd think that if the Bible was written to be an owner's manual, it might contain content like "warning: constant stress can cause chronic health conditions" or "repeated use of joints without proper rest and care can cause repetitive stress injuries."

But no, what he's actually talking about are the prohibitions from blood, because apparently the Bible's prohibitions on blood exist because otherwise you got a slippery slope to infant sacrifice. Also, he claims horror films are part of this slippery slope:

As I moved deeper into Witchcraft, past the Third Grade level, I found my own fascination with horror films increase geometrically. What began as an intrigue with classic horror films which had no gore, hemorrhaged into a desire to see ever more grotesque displays of charnel house delights.

Then he claims he heard a woman... ummm... having a reaction to a horror film, and that grossed him out so much he left:

During one scene where some totally gruesome things were being done to a female character, I heard these nearly orgasmic moans coming from a middle-aged woman two rows in front of me. I felt the hair stand up on the back of my neck! I decided I’d better leave.

And he claims:

I realize now that there is a real addiction in operation here, similar to the downward spiral which has been noted in much of substance abuse. Blood may well be one of the ultimate substances to abuse! I believe this is why God forbade His people to become involved in it.

Horror films can be extremely cathartic, but calling that sort of thing an "addiction" is extremely wrong. If you had some weird thing about blood, Bill, that was a you problem. Trying to moralize an entire genre of fiction based on how you personally react to it is small-minded and absurd.

He claims:

One you “grant” that blood has magical power and efficacy, you seem to be carried along on a subtle, but inexorable course toward ever more graphic ways of getting it. I can honestly tell you that when the Lord began to draw me out of the occult, I was just millimeters away, spiritually, from being ready to do murder for my “Old Gods.”

If any of this is true, Bill, this was a you problem. Like I've said before, early in the book this guy tries to pass himself off as an innocent man who was seduced into power, but passages like this paint him as an amoral fuckhead who would go along with anything so long as it promised him more power.

And I really think that's who Schnoebelen is. He demonstrates it through publishing books like these, full of bald-faced lies created to exploit a cultural panic and propel him to stardom within that culture. He's hooked on power and greedy for more - but since he's doing it in the name of Jesus, all his Evangelical audience can see is a passionate man of God. It's the perfect grift.

Schnoebelen proceeds to blame porn and horror for the ills of society (as conservative Evangelicals and other puritanical dipshits are wont to do) even suggesting that Ted Bundy is the product of such media, and says that he, Charles Manson, and Richard Ramirez are a "testimony to the seductive power of blood rituals."

I'm sorry, Bill, but the Wiccan-to-serial-killer-pipeline only exists in the imaginations of conservative Christians.

Schnoebelen claims that blood sacrifices exist in other religions because,

Satan is a copycat, and he is the author of all false religion. He knows the Bible well, so he knows that “without shedding of blood is no remission [of sins].” (Hebrews 9:22) and that “it is the blood that maketh an atonement for the soul.” (Leviticus 17:11).

And he says,

This was a horrible mockery by Satan of the sacrifices of the Law of Moses which required unspotted animal sacrifices.24 In place of animals without blemish, Satan substituted babies, their tender years being supposed to guarantee innocence. If babies could not be found, then virgin children (symbolically innocent and unblemished) had to be sacrificed.

So he claims that all of these other cultures were practicing human sacrifice in mockery of his god in particular.

Have people around the world done fucked up things? Yes. Has child sacrifice ever been practiced? Also yes. But his whole assertion that all of these cultures were practicing infant sacrifice all the time, and that this was done specifically to mock his god is absurd. Child sacrifice was certainly horrible, but there were reasons behind it that had nothing to do with Christianity. Furthermore, even among ancient pagans, the practice was controversial. This is not a matter of "Christians good, pagans bad." You can look into this yourself.

Schnoebelen claims,

The central “Mystery” of the Roman church is the Mass, a daily sacrifice of Jesus anew on the altar, followed by the ritual drinking of His blood and eating His flesh. Devout Catholics believe that by doing these rites, they can appease God. Thus, they are tragically steered around the real sacrifice of the cross by Satan.

This is such an absurd description of the Mass, a ritual that seems to have been practiced by early Christians, based on contents of the New Testament. Protestant Christians frequently claim that Catholic priests "re-crucify" Jesus, when in reality the ritual of the Mass is thought to allow people access to the one and single Crucifixion, because God is beyond time and space. And taking Communion isn't about "appeasing" God, it's about becoming one with Christ and the body of Christ.

Like, I dunno dude, when you're so hellbent on taking down the Catholics that you're technically attacking the beliefs expressed in the very book you claim to believe in, you might wanna... rethink a few things?

#william schnoebelen #bill schnoebelen #wicca satan's little white lie #satanic panic

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

fetish trauma, sexual things, asexuality, csa

name// fawn

this is more of a question but, I'm starting to look back at my csa and accept it more? It's no longer looming over my shoulder but it's instead settled into my skin. It sucks that it happened and I wish it didn't but it did and all I can do for myself is live well. for a long time I was involved with a specific fetish with the people who harrased me and while this fetish is odd and often misconstrued or stereotyped, I find myself actually warming up to it now instead of shoving it down? Because for a long time even I hated that I enjoyed it.

I consider myself to be cupioromantic or at least somewhere on the asexuality spectrum; I don't feel sexual emotions and I desire relationships without ever actually wanting one (to simplify) but the only time I do feel actually arousal is when I read about this fetish specifically. Only this and only through reading. I wonder if it's because I have such an early history of it and whether or not it's a form of conditioning and since I left that situation I have done my best to avoid it and push it away. But now I'm just sort of leaning back into it?

I'm not entirely sure what to do, it's not a crazy fetish nor is it hurtful I don't think at least not the way I view it, but I'm scared of allowing myself to inch back in and then getting triggered or what happened before happening now and it causing an episode for myself. What should I do here? This fetish isn't something I think I'd want in real life, it's a huge risk for my mental state but well I don't know. Any help would be 100% appreciated

Hi fawn,

It sounds like learning to accept your experiences has been healing and brought peace to your life, and that part of accepting what happened has included warming up to a fetish that was perhaps tainted during your trauma. While it's unclear which fetish you're referring to, as long as it isn't harmful to you or others, it could be a safe thing to reconnect with in a healthier light.

I think it's important to clarify that asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, which doesn't necessarily mean you cannot be aroused by sexual content - it refers to the sexual attraction towards a specific individual. In other words, it's possible to consume fetish content and still identify as asexual.

I don't feel right saying that engaging in this fetish is or isn't healthy for you, because I think it could go either way. Fetishes aren't necessarily attractions we can control or pretend not to have, so I'm not sure that simply avoiding it is possible, in terms of playing it safe. But it also sounds like leaning into it even more could lead to psychological pain. Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, this is something to discuss further with the insight of a mental health professional such as a therapist, especially considering that this is quite a delicate topic that seems to be tightly interwoven with your trauma.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #fawn #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa