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#i also cannot stop saying help me
inkskinned · 9 months
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
#writeblr#warm up#my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky#i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles#yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help#for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT#and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen#than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say#''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help#i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't#actually offer fair support to everyone#we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help#bc i DID have it better than other people#and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn#instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself
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bruhstation · 7 months
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of fucking course the best, most harrowing, most gut-wrenching tugs character only appeared in one episode (a bit of ramble in the tags)
#this is tugs#tugs boomer#tugs sunshine#boomshine#<---- evil sinister laughter#fortezza bigg city#senjart#I think he's neat. I also think a bottle of antidepressants could help with whatever hes going through#okay I'm gonna talk for a bit about boomer (mostly about his canon counterpart rather than solely his fbc version)#boomer's character struck a deep chord within me that when rewatching jinxed while sleep deprived I got so scared#his depression? thoughts of sinking himself? claiming that he didn't want any help yet attempted to push just a bit longer when supported?#putting his worth on how useful he is as a machine first? an individual with selfism second? thus deeming himself as a lost cause?#and despite his jaded sardonic demeanor he genuinely cares about others and puts their safety before his own?#like mannnnnn come ON no wonder I couldnt stop thinking about him#his struggles as a clinically depressed person is.... so real?#he says ''I don't want any help'' but he clearly does want AND need help. he goes along with TC and sunshine's hijinks of helping him#gradually went from ''whats the point I'm gonna jinx it anyways'' to ''Ive tried so hard I really have but I cannot. I never had a chance''#he even went ''okay but don't toot'' to TC before his final job! he's entertaining TC and sunshine's theory! he really does want help!#boomer's whole character screams “I want to live but I don't know how”#and man oh man I feel like s01e10 reached out of the screen and drove a stake through my heart#because it's so visceral. it's rang true with my personal experiences#it's so sad. it's probably because I'm sleep deprived but I want to take care of that poor orange thing so badly#boomer most likely thought his final job to tow the schooner will end badly as usual but with how he sounds way more upset when he failed-#-and how he even went ''I can't be bothered to argue anymore''. I have a feeling there's a tiny speck of hope inside him-#-that quickly died out the moment lightning struck and he got towed by the fire chief#and of course he's upset. hes tried so many times to find a way to get rid of the jinx but now? it's as if he's given false hope-#-and the thought of the jinx leaving is something akin to a fairytale. as long as he bears the name ''boomer'' and not ''captain harry''-#-he is doomed to this constant cycle of messing things up when its not his own fault and having other point their fingers at him#that is until he got refurbished into a houseboat (essay material for another day)#theyre never going to write another anthro vehicle character like this anymore . sad
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hizerain · 5 months
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i'm not really on here anymore, or any virtual platform for that matter. The past few months have been tumultous and I have changed, fundamentally, intensely, a deliberate effort to rebuild and reshape the clay of the earth.
I've reached a greater level of mathematical maturity through ego reduction, I've found an undocumented life to be better, for me. Above all, I've decided the self is a network, it's always moving. Who I am cannot be reduced, it cannot be simplified, it is what I do and what I do is all encompasing and ever changing.
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did you know... that if you don’t kudos/comment on fics... authors don’t know you read and enjoyed them...
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THE BEST OF THE NORMANDY SUMMIT
Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Primarch Adrien Victus, Dalatrass Linron, and Urdnot Wrex With: Comm. Specialist Samantha Traynor Commander, you need to keep Cerberus at bay- I can't overstate what a victory a treaty between the Turians and the Krogan would be for the Alliance. We need all the help we can get... Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#urdnot wrex#samantha traynor#mass effect#mass effect 3#me3#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#finally got around to gif'ing the sur'kesh footage and i ended up splitting it in half bc the summit just had too many good wrex moments#by best of: the normandy summit i really just mean best of: wrex bc this is literally just every wrex moment from the summit LMAO#i was gonna stuff this in with the priority sur'kesh set but literally when i had like 10 gifs of just the summit i was like#sur'kesh is getting the mars split bc wrex has too many good moments to just start cutting half of them out tbh#also victus in his fancy primarch robes with THAT VOICE??? i'm not down bad for most turians but DAMN victus#maybe we talk about how fucking real he was for hearing wrex say that the krogan were the ones who spilled their blood to stop the rachni#and immediately looked at the dalatrass and said that wrex was fucking right#and then said that the dalatrass was helping wrex or she'd never see another friendly turian again?? like he's a fucking ICON for that tbh#and soph in the dress blues????? HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT (mass effect women in uniforms and armor 😍)#her angy face coming back at the dalatrass to defend wrex is everything to me#and wrex's expressions during the summit are so fucking good#there's so much raw emotion on his face that you can see and you can tell how like angry and frustrated he is with the dalatrass and victus#and how much he's holding back!! especially when linron insults him!! when she basically calls his people useless!!#like there's just a thousand+ years of pent up krogan rage about the genophage just boiling behind wrex's eyes#and he somehow manages to keep somewhat cool during the summit? like obvi wrex isn't a thousand+ years old but he's his people's rep#he's such a fucking interesting character especially during this scene when you think about a thousand+ years of the genophage#bc you get to watch him balance keeping his cool in a political situation he's a leader in#vs. remembering he's a krogan in the presence of the leadership of the people who literally created a sterility plague for his people??#and the raw emotions of that for him???#wrex my love you deserve the world for dealing with the summit in the cool-headed way that you did bc it was 100% bullshit for you#canon soph would have thrown the dalatrass off the normandy so fucking fast for insulting wrex and his people and you cannot change my mind
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anyoldfandom · 9 days
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The problem with starting to think about the Pack more is the fact that now I want to grab Skalamander the same way I grabbed Bobo like. My house now. I want to use your character potential.
#Generator rex#genrex#Just. Ough. OUGH.#Bobo was just a bad use of his potential but Skalamander is just a nothing use of his potential. Very little character there.#But looking at his design I just. Cannot get the question out of my head of 'Is it painful?'#Is he an EVO who lives in constant pain? We see that he can't stop drooling and is blind on one 'side' of his head.#And his tongue flops around when he has his mouth open. His skin stretches and sags in awkward places#It makes me think that he probably lives a pain-filled life and has probably got a wrecked mind bc of it. And then follows VK#Someone who looks at him and says You are not broken. I have use of you. I have salvation.#And with the disability symbolism with Genrex Skalamander also looks the most chronic pain having#Though granted most EVOs with significant body changes probably have chronic pain#I just. Head in hands. Fucked up lizard. How much of his mind is actually still there.#Do you think he has good days and bad days. Bad days where he can't move or days where his mind is more of a mess than usual.#He definitely has to struggle to eat and drink. With no other mouth.#Thinking also in context of Rex Pack AU of like. Skalamander having his bad days and having people who actually care about him#Doing the best they can to help. Bringing him food and water with specially designed straws and utensils#Sitting and talking to him on days his mind isn't fully there so at least he's not alone. Giving him space if he needs it#But making sure to keep a close eye on absolutely anything he needs.#Bc they're one big disabled family and they take care of each other
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whynotimtired · 2 years
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You're not listening to me hard enough rn. Will is getting vecna'd at the beginning of st5 and when fake El shows up at the roller rink she's going to berate him for never helping while she's bullied. WHY ELSE WOULD THEY SO BLATANTLY SHOW HIM FREEZING??? AND TRYING HIS HARDEST TO HELP AFTER EVERY TIME?? HE FEELS SO GUILTY YOU GUYS AND VECNA IS GOING TO THROW IT IN HIS FACE THROUGH HIS FUCKING SISTER
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wild-at-mind · 2 months
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I feel like tags like these were inevitable on the post about people traumatising themselves for the greater good or w/e... There is SO much emphasis on posting on tumblr and other social media being so important and so useful and we must never stop. But I would like to counterargue with the idea that posting on social media (especially tumblr) constantly does very little/nothing. If that was true then the point here becomes meaningless.
#i guess i must be broken according to this person because i don't seem to feel emotions the way they feel helps palestine#activists in palestine are also calling for a general strike where no one goes to work and that has yet to materialise in a meaningful way#because people keep watering it down by saying 'oh it's ok just post constantly/about nothing else than palestine on social media'#yeah awesome great- look i'm sure there are people in palestine saying get the word out about our suffering etc#but they are also calling for more meaningful symbolic gestures like strikes which as far as I know no western country has delivered#because that would take a lot of organising and much less guilt tripping and people spending all their time posting#and comfort always comes up- comfort and discomfort- what even is comfort?#is feeling ok in your own mind an insult to palestine?#are there people losing everything in wars feeling better because someone in the west feels really really bad about their pain?#like sorry to be facetious but what on earth does any of this rhetoric accomplish#i spent years thinking like this and it made me so sick and now i'm better i am DONE with it- i cannot go back to this thinking#i can only live if i bend away from this kind of thinking like a plant to light- and i want to help others but people just won't stop#please- post on social media if you like. it doesn't help anyone to view the depths of their pain and feel bad#it is better to look towards hope a ceasefire and a resolution and end to the killing of palestinians for good#that can happen!!!#i think avoiding misinformation and dehumanising rhetoric about either side is also very important#i fully believe you can only understand geopolitics and war if you see everyone as human
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soldier-poet-king · 6 months
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Maybe the sadness would be bearable if there was some purpose! Not a purpose /to/ the sadness, but a purpose to /me/, something to DO, a reason for it all! But there is no Great Work, there is no grand destiny or life purpose! We are all just Some Guy and I just have to live with that fact!!!! Just live my life aimless and without a definitive teleological function!!! Hate this for me specifically!!!! You mean I just have to choose to live regardless!! And keep on going even though everything is uncertain and meaningless!!! You mean I don't have a definitive function that I can sacrifice myself to serve and therefore justify my own existence with!!!! Bro what the fuck!!! What the fuck is this!!!!!
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johndonneswife · 16 days
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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wheelercore · 1 year
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Understanding the scene of Ted putting the tie on Mike (Mike commenting on how it's too tight and it's choking him and Ted saying that's how it's supposed to be) in a very Mike-Ted parallels way. AND IT WAS ON FRONT OF A MIRROR TOO. Shrimp colors everywhere.
#im so sorry for being this way truly i cannot help it. the vicious cycles get me. im seeing the light#bc personally i dont see it as simply about heteronormativity. i mean its a part of it#but its framed as like. ted is choking mike with heterosexuality! and while that is true to an extent they have ted say thats how its#supposed TO BE for a reason! clothing is something ppl put on themselves. putting on your tie too tight- choking yourself its not just#sexuality its about control. controlling your image. controlling yourself#the religious themes of s4 wasnt just a recent feature. the idea of repression (emotional/sexual/physical) goes all the way back to s1#the concept of keeping such a tight control over yourself (ie 'choking' yourself and enforcing it on your children) falls in line with#religious trauma. constantly being watched not only by authority but god. repressing/choking yourself so you dont step out of line#and again its on front of the mirror. like idk mike-ted parallels arent popular in this fandom but take it up with the duffers#i didnt put them in there they did!!!#like the idea of being so repressed and being in a constant state of controlling oneself to toe the line not only falls in line with a lack#of pov (which they intentionally take away from mike and intentionally never give to ted)#but also mikes possible ED which again is about control! these are all metaphors for controlling oneself to a harmful extent!#one day ppl will appreciate mike ted parallels beyond 'ted hates mike for being gay' but alas today is not that day and it wont stop me#also 'try new things' being about coming out of your comfort zone! mike trying the pinapple pizza and ted going on the ferris wheel#not tightly controlling yourself to the point you make yourself miserable#blasts runs in the family drowning out literally everything else#its all religious trauma? always have been
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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irisbaggins · 2 months
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Trying to trouble-shoot a customer over a phone is always an exercise in "stick to Norwegian you gremlin" for me. I so badly want to use English lingo for things, but my poor customers barely understand what I'm saying in Norwegian, let alone English! The amount of times I end up apologising because my explanations are shit are numerous, and most of the time my customers are really nice about it.
Although, I do loathe having to trouble-shoot networking over the phone. It's a pain in the ass, and it's difficult to find the problem when there are so many moving parts to a network.
At least the customer and I can joke around a little and make the process more pleasant for the both of us. Especially when the problem may have been a wonky cable, and not something much more expensive that must be replaced.
#text_loke#he was really nice to me. we were talking SO LONG and i had to use hand signals to my coworker so he could take the physical customers#because i was on the phone. and for some reasons customers see me standing there with a headset on and assume i am therefore free#no!! i am on the phone!! i cannot talk to you ma'am please stop attempting to converse with me!!#some are nice about it. others get bitchy. like SORRY i have one ear on the phone i CANNOT listen to two people at once!!#anyway. hope it was the cable that was fucked! we would of course fix whatever issue it was if it ISN'T#but it's soooo much easier for him for it to be just the cable he made himself. 'cos fuck homemade cat6 cables#(which i say as someone who has made SEVERAL and hates the process furiously)#also. shoutout to the customer who gave me 10/10 and said we were COOL PEOPLE in all caps :)#made my day that. like thank you!! i do my best to give the best customer service!!#and i only had ONE person call me today to be a glorified website :) usually it's at least three people :)#like we have a click and collect for a reason. i am NOT that. i can trouble shoot and help fix. i am not a website#also. why am i cursed. why am i cursed to be swarmed by people when i'm alone??#at least at my current workplace i am not harassed for being on my own. people are actually nice#they don't go ballistic on me when it takes me a but to get to them due to the tasks i am made to do#i don't get yelled at every shift. which is lovely :)#anyway. time for sleeps because i must write 3k tomorrow for my exam. rip
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mobday · 2 years
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reigen getting more screentime, whore!!!!!!!
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