#i already am on extension time i need to be DONE why wont this WORK

[furiousgoldfish]

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

[legends-live-in-memories]

I Have Too Many Opinions. ep. 1

lmao. i got encouragement to post my opinions on fandom things and now i want to make a miniseries doing just that. so here i am. doing just that.

im putting it under the cut cuz this was 4 whole pages including the disclaimer. yes i put a disclaimer and i explain why.

Anyways, here is the first piece in what inevitably will become fandom info dump, this time on thomas astruc’s writing on miraculous ladybug. but only some of my opinions cuz we would be here all day otherwise.

So… a disclaimer before I begin… 

I do not hate Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (yes i'm using their government name). I am quite a fan of the show actually despite its faults. I am also older than the intended audience but was obviously younger when the show first aired which is how my interest was piqued (the fact that its been 6 years and only 3 seasons says more about the show than me being a fan for that amount of time but also i never want to rush content creators cuz they're doing their best) and due to my age, there will be inherent bias in my approach of what i'm about to say as there is in EVERY opinion. The fact that it is an opinion should imply the presence of bias but most people tend to lack the critical thinking skills required to draw that conclusion ANYWAYS…

If I did hate the show I would not have this blog nor would I be even writing this because i tend to not give more than 2 seconds of thought to things i actively dislike (some of yall should give this a try) and i'm allowed to like things that are designed for an audience that i was originally a part of but grew out of. (I don't suddenly stop liking things because I'm older despite what many younger fans seem to believe about older audiences. I also don't need to be ‘allowed’ to do anything cuz i wasn't asking for permission anyways.)

This will not be character bashing, astruc bashing nor fandom bashing cuz, again, that would imply i hate any of those elements and if i did, i would not dedicate brainpower to them. Analyses and criticisms of media are fun and engaging and required if you wish to produce good enjoyable content. Now most of this should be already assumed and self-explanatory but people on the internet like to play morality roulette roll dice on purity culture and I rather have documentation that I am in fact not bullying fictional 14 year olds or a grown man. But alas, people get trigger happy whenever someone has less than 1000000% positive opinions on something they like and will throw out words they can't define (gaslight, baiting, toxic, problematic, gatekeep etc) in an attempt to defend their blind devotion, 

which is not needed, if you like something you never have to defend it, even if i don't like it. If you respond to anything I post saying you disagree with me, I will not argue with you. I won't debate back and forth and try to convince you that the things you like are wrong. Unless you are being absolutely tone deaf to what i'm saying, you wont get a negative reaction from me. So don't try to fish for a fight. Please. I got metaphorical hands for days and I'm mean, you don't want me hurting your feelings on the internet. Do yourself the favour. Difference of opinion is how we get diversification in media and is inherently a good thing. Now that that's out of the way, please don't ever let me have to say that again. I beg.

Now onto the fun stuff

I didn't know what I wanted as a first topic so my trusty internet friend @moonlitceleste suggested astruc’s writing… 

AND BOI do i got some opinions on ole tommy boi. Again I don't hate the dude. In fact, he has worked on a few shows that had defined my childhood, including but not limited to W.I.T.C.H. (all eps available on youtube for those interested, 2 seasons, general fun time all around).

So I don't think he’s scum of the earth but I do think his approach to writing mlb specifically has more misses than hits.

The first big miss is that he has no idea how to write 14 year old girls. At all. Almost every girl he has ever written feels like some terrible archetype built entirely for marketability and childish projection and pubescent self-insert (kind of). He has never been a 14 year old girl. I have. In fact when the show first aired, I WAS around the (assumed) age of the mlb characters. The behaviour he passes off as quirky or awkward or just the character’s genuine personality tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes of teen girls found in the media and are never actually addressed as harmful. they just get swept under the rug. Marinette’s exuberant collage of teen heart throb model boi Adrien Agreste and her very painful almost fan worship she has of him (which flip flops like a paper sandal in the rain) being portrayed as a cute school girl crush uwu, Chloe being the y7 Regina George, Alya being the token best friend of colour with her ‘sassy’ personality (i want y'all to imagine me eyerolling so hard i bust a vessel in my eye), Kagami being the very damaging Perfect Asian Child stereotype. And before y'all get on your dusty soap box and defend going on about “BUT IT'S FOR CHILDREN”,,,, know this.

 i don’t give a solid fuck. 

Not one. 

Children arent stupid. Children are always going to remember the richy bitchy blonde who bullies the art kid, and the big kid, and the shy kid, and the non white kids, and was only nice to her equally rich white friend who she probably had a crush on or was only ever civil to her equally white lapdog. They're going to remember the half asian girl who was never allowed to actually be asian or the only black girl who existed solely as a soundboard for enabling bad habits or chastising the main character for the same habits she enables in the first place (boi aint THAT a topic for later). Like do i really need to explain that alya chastising marinette for taking max’s spot in gamer just to play with adrien rings absolutely hollow when she actively encourages her to sabotage the contest she’s in just so Kagami doesn't win?? Like I don't have to explain that right?? Again kids arent stupid and its quite something that Mari gets chastised for proving herself the best video game player regardless of her intentions just cuz it comes at the expense of max’s feelings/ego but is actively encouraged to sabotage not only kagami but herself by extension cuz kagami is ‘competition.’ Adrien is not a trophy to be won. And no I don't expect 14 yrs old to be perfect and to always make good decisions but these decisions are never addressed as being bad decisions. they get swept under the rug cuz those decisions were necessary for the ‘plot’ but astruc can barely keep characterization consistent and his characters suffer for it and it's the same children you preach are watching it that suffer as well. Cuz guess what? I KNOW 14 yr olds aren't like that cuz i've been there done that (this is the last time i'm saying that i promise) so I know astruc is just metaphorically throwing darts to figure out who says and does what without consideration for pre established personalities to drive the stalemate plot along. The same kids you say are watching this don't know that that's not how preteens work and will absorb and internalize those dynamics like baking soda and vinegar. Cata-fucking-strophically. 

And I haven't even gotten to the boys yet. Which honestly doesn't require much explanation anyways cuz they suffer the same fate as the girls. Tired archetypes with nothing to give them life. Nino falls into Adrien’s person of colour token best friend who dates the female lead’s person of colour token best friend so they can have cute double dates uwu. Except the plot goes nowhere and we have no inclination of romantic development beyond moments that only act to actively convince me to anti ship the lovesquare (i don't want to do that so i self indulge in fanon that actually cares about the characters and plot. may i interest you in True Sight on AO3?). Max is the residential nerd but it doesn't matter (cuz he and everyone are dumbed down for the sake of ‘plot’), kim is the sports jock (which interestingly subverts the asian comedic relief stereotype but only barely) and luka is cute older guy ™ that wears black nail polish and is in a band. The point of all this is to say there is no depth in the characters. It's especially blatantly obvious with the characters astruc doesn't like (chloe). Again, it being a show for kids is not an excuse to be absolved of putting effort into the characters you make.

This is one of the biggest misses astruc has. I haven't even gone into all the nuances of this particular miss. And i havent gone into how that works against him in the plot either. Mostly because the plot itself hasn't gone anywhere and partially because I wanted to go into the plot (or lack thereof) separately as its own miss. 

AND BOI is it a miss. 

SO home boy astruc wanted to reap the benefits of a serial show with ‘engaging’ plot without putting in any of the work to make a linear storyline and relying on the episodic format for, again, marketability. You can't have the best of both worlds, you are not Avatar: The Last Airbender. Which btw has a lot less episodes and a desired end goal that didn't involve top dollar. Legend of Korra did but that's not the point and it had its failings with that too. I challenge you, tell me how many episodes actually contribute towards a plot point or introduce new thematic elements to the show? Can you name them? I can and I'm going to include the plot points that moved the story in some direction if only temporarily. Yes only temporarily for some of these and i will explain later. (if you're in the server you already saw this list *wink*)

25/26. Origins- self explanatory, the beginning of the story, 

24. Volpina- introduction of the grimoire and Master Fu (kind of) and no, Lila is not a plot point,

28. The Collector- proper introduction of Master Fu,

37. Sapotis- introduction of Rena Rouge,

41. Syren- introduction of new aquatic power ups,

44. Anansi- introduction of Carapace,

47. Frozer- introduction of new ice power ups,

48/49. Style Queen- introduction of Queen Bee,

51/52. Heroes’ Day- introduction of Mayura and mass akumatization,

66. Startrain- introduction of Pegasus,

67. Kwami Buster- Marinette wears multiple miraculouses,

68. Feast- backstory as to how the miraculouses were lost,

69. Ikari Gozen- introduction of Ryuko,

70. Timetagger- introduction of Bunnyx,

71. Party Crasher- introduction of Roi Singe and Viperion,

73. Chat Blanc- alternate timeline that essentially means nothing but got a reaction out of fans anyways (myself included)

 77/78. Love Eater/Battle of Miraculous- Marinette becomes guardian and other heroes lose their miraculous,

New York Special- other heroes exist and there is an American miraculous box,

That's 21 episodes. 21 out of a heaping 78 plus 2 specials. Everything else was just your typical akuma of the day episode and everything that happened outside that had no lasting consequences on the plot thanks to the miraculous status quo. Was it entertaining to watch Lila stir the plot of the class dynamic? Hell yeah. Too bad it meant nothing by the end of the episode cuz we were struck with miraculous status quo. She literally doesn't appear again until Heroes Day. that is from episodes 25 all the way to 51, she means nothing and yet she is treated with the severity of a b-villain/rival thing. She means nothing by the end of Volpina if I'm being honest. She is only relevant for 20 mins of episode time she’s in then it's back to magic status quo that undoes any shift in dynamics and relationships. It's like Spongebob who can't get his driver’s license. The worst part is I actually like Lila and I wish the story treated her with the seriousness we as an audience are expected to treat her with. Despite being painfully inconsequential by the end of each of the 3?? 4?? episodes she’s in, it's entertaining to watch a character create drama just because. 

Too bad it means nothing.

Astruc is constantly building up suspense to something ‘important’ only for it to not deliver and fans are constantly having the rug pulled out from under us. Oblivio teased us with a reveal only that gets undone cuz memory akuma. Chat Blanc teased us with romantic development but that gets undone cuz time travel bullshit. Feast introduced more miraculous lore and the history of the guardians but that means nothing by the next episode or ever (i'm not including any reference to the season 4 trailer cuz i've been around the block a few times and im familiar with this lil dancy dance). Heroes Day teased us with a possible future team of heroes but that gets undone in Battle of Miraculous cuz ????? why?? (here's why; astruc was having a jolly ole time letting us know how irredeemable Chloe is at the expense of shooting his own stagnant plot in the foot. Again, discussion for later.)

Too bad anything that slightly swerves off course from the akuma of the day gets undone or ignored. Too bad nothing has any lasting consequence. I mean, if anything did, the episodes would have had a consistent order and release schedule so im not scrambling to watch the leaked ep in Portuguese or something while the french dub is two episodes behind while the english version hasnt even been dubbed. I really wonder how he plans to conclude the show when he’s so afraid to step out of the corner he painted himself in.

Again, not going into nuances. If you want you can ask for more specifics (i doubt anyone would) but this is really just a slightly detailed general overview of my opinions on astruc’s writing. 

I was going to include another miss in his approach to this show but imma save that for another time. 

How’s that for a ‘first’ post?

#mlb #opinions my guy opinions #i dont wanna tag this as salt #but mlb criticisms and analyses #IHTMO #the hashtag for this series #thomas astruc #miraculous fandom #miraculous ladybug #miraculous: tales of ladybug and cat noir #yes the government name again #come get yall juice #miraculous

[collectsfallenstars]

Lee Gon’s 3 Rules and How and When He Fell In Love With Jeong TaeEul: An Analysis in 2 parts

Part 1: Love like You Row

It’s pretty easy to say that Lee Gon starts off in “The King: Eternal Monarch” already in love with Jeong TaeEul and he remains in that constant state all throughout the series.  That his character is that flat, as flat as the world according to Jeong TaeEul.  While it may be true that his character remains deeply devoted to her all throughout, I’m here to show you that he isn’t a flat character.  Aside from the external struggle he has with his uncle Lee Lim, and convincing TaeEul of his identity and depth of feeling for her, loving TaeEul also forced him to confront certain things.

On their first chicken dinner together in episode 2 which felt more like an extension of his interrogation instead of a friendly dinner, Lee Gon finds out exactly what kind of person he’s dealing with with Jeong TaeEul. He had just thanked her for being the reason why he survived the last 25 years of his life after his father had been murdered.  She was tied to that one great big mystery of his life and he had wanted to find her all these years. Now she was there, eating dinner with him.  But she didn’t believe anything he said, almost canceling out his entire existence because she did not have enough proof.

We are then taken to a flashback of baby Lee Gon talking with Lady Noh about the night his father was murdered while a cute baby Maximus ran around in the background.  Lady Noh hands over the two things Lee Gon had held onto that night – half of the broken bamboo flute and Jeong TaeEul’s ID.  And then little Lee Gon asks,

“DO YOU THINK IT’S HERE, THE REASON WHY I SURVIVED THAT DAY?”

The flashback ends and we are brought back to the present time with Lee Gon asking TaeEul,

“WHY DO YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY?”

This was a very good juxtaposition of events.  As a child, the question of why he survived had been foremost in his mind. That’s him questioning the purpose of his existence and he’s tied it to these two objects – the flute and TaeEul’s ID.  One is a symbol of utter power, and the other, I suppose, is love, or his destiny.

And all his life he believed held on to the idea that his life had purpose, had meaning, and it was tied to this woman, before him, who sat there not believing anything at all.  She tells him to stay put till she gets back his DNA test and he takes it out of context and asks her,

“ANYTHING ELSE? IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON? THE REASON WHY I HAVE TO STAY IN YOUR WORLD? COULD THERE BE A REASON?”

This is him grasping at straws, a little desperately.  He’s basically asking her to  tell him, give him his purpose. He’s waiting for her to say, “I want you to stay because of me.” To hand it over to him.  But of course, TaeEul thought it was all bullshit.

In Lee Gon’s world, he’s the king. He has never needed his existence to be validated.  And he has always been sure of who he was. But one thing he was never sure of was his why he survived that night, his purpose.  So he tied his purpose to the flute and to TaeEul. He had probably hoped that he would find it if he could just find her.

And he did find her.  But she doesn’t believe he exists.  She doesn’t believe his Kingdom of Corea exists.  And the only reason, she says, that she’s helping him is just so she can send him back home and get rid of him.

He realizes two things here.  Just because he found Jeong TaeEul doesn’t mean he gets an instant answer as to what his purpose is for surviving that night.  And just because he’s spent the last 25 years attached to the idea of TaeEul doesn’t mean that the moment she sees him, she’ll come running into his arms like a long lost love.  There is no love. At least, just yet.

This must have been a lonely time for Lee Gon. After this scene, we are shown a clip of him visiting an exhibit of Korea’s last monarch.  The building occupies the same place where he and his father were attacked in the Kingdom of Corea. But that history of the royal family doesn’t even include his line.  He has no identity, no history, no purpose.

And in this world, if he wanted purpose, it wasn’t just going to be a simple find Jeong TaeEul and she’ll give you the answer.  He’ll actually have to work for it, find it by solving the mystery of the bamboo flute and work on building a real  connection with Jeong TaeEul.

He finds out exactly how to best do that on this dinner too.  When Jeong TaeEul answers his question about why she wont’ believe him, she says,

“IS THAT HOW BELIEF WORKS?  I’M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THE EARTH IS ROUND.”

It’s in this part when he realizes they don’t see the world in the same way.  I like how he doesn’t force her to believe him just because he believes it, doesn’t guilt her into seeing things his way.  You know how most people would go, this is how I see it. why cant you see it my way? Nope. He shuts up.  He listens to her and understands that she needs to see things before she can believe them, and works with that instead of trying to change her mind.

He takes on 3 tasks.  He must first convince her that he is telling the truth about his identity.  He next has to convince her that parallel worlds exist.  Once those two things are done, it will be easier for him to convince her that his feelings for her are real.   He then formulates a plan the only way a mathematician and a rower would, tailor fitting it to meet Jeong TaeEul needs.  I've written about this on a previous post, detailing how Jeaong TaeEul’s feelings for Lee Gon devloped exactly because of this method. If you’re interested, you can just scroll down my tumblr. It’s in there somewhere.

As I said, he looks at situations like a mathematical equation. If there’s a problem, there has to be a solution. A beautiful one. And his solutions are pretty simple. Patience and honesty. Every time she asks him anything about his identity and where he’s from, he will tell always tell the truth. No matter how many times she asks the same question, he will always give her the same answer.  This is why rowing is such a perfect sport for him. He makes repetitive motions, moving in a single direction and onwards until the finish line.  That’s exactly how he was with Jeong TaeEul. Keep telling the truth until she believes.  But he won’t try to force her to believe him before she’s ready and endures it every time she insults him or accuse of fictionalizing everything.

If you look at episode 3, on what’s probably their 2nd chicken and beer dinner, he tells her,  

“YOU GOT NOTHING ON MY DNA RESULTS. BUT YOU STILL CAN’T REALLY BELIEVE ME, RIGHT? SO WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? THERE IS NO INFORMATION AT ALL ABOUT ME IN THIS WORLD.”

He leans forward on the table again, making the gap between them slightly smaller. Notice that he doesn’t make the conclusion for her. He just asks her the questions. He lets her make the conclusion on her own; and gives her time until she’s ready to actually say it out loud that she believes him, which won’t be until the 5th episode.  

Having gotten no results for his DNA and fingerprints should point TaeEul towards the existence of another world where he does exist.  But keep in mind that TaeEul needs to see something before she believes it.  And no results mean no evidence. No evidence means, it’s all bullcrap form TaeEul. So when he tells her,

“I HOPE YOUR EARTH CAN BECOME ROUND SOON.”

He is saying “I know you can’t see it, but I hope you believe that my parallel world exists, and that I exist for you.”  Just like the world being round.  He’s essentially preparing her for what’s to come next. And it has nothing to do with seeing his world and him being king because those are things she will be able to see for herself.  He’s preparing her for one of the greatest leaps of faith of all time – believing in love.  It is, after all, an intangible concept. You can’t see it, you can only feel it to know it exists.

Now, when the time finally came that TaeEul got all the evidence that she needed and was finally prepared to believe him, he was still very patient with her as he answered all of her questions about her ID card that was issued exactly when he said it would be.

He goes to her, gathers her hair together in ponytail in one hand, and holds on to the side of her neck with the other, while he answered all her questions correctly, getting rid of her last excuses for not believing him.  He is literally and figuratively holding her steady, as her world kind of fell apart knowing that she had been wrong all this time.  He didn’t jump with glee or anything because he was right and she was wrong. He understood how this must have been terrifying for her and he kind of just was there for her to help her keep it together.  Then he offers her his other world, letting her decide if she wants to see it for herself.

“DO YOU WANT TO SEE FOR YOURSELF? COME WITH ME TO  MY WORLD.”

He holds her hand, pulls her to Maximus, puts both her hands on his shoulders and he puts this woman who had never watched fairy tales on a white horse fit for a prince and princess.  I swear, when snow started falling in this scene, Maximus turned into unicorn for me.  It was that magical.

Physically, you can see him become more protective of her in this instant. He closes his hand over hers. Puts her hands on his shoulders as if to tell her you can depend on me, you can trust me.  He cages TaeEul between his arms as they ride off. And even when they get to Corea, he still has her inside his arms in a protective circle, asks the guards to step back because he knows exactly how flat earther Jung TaeEul will feel in a parallel world.  

He already knows she’s a strong capable woman. But he didn’t hesitate to provide comfort and protection because he understood that even the strongest ones may need comfort and protection at times.

He does gloat here, a little.

“SEE? I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

Still on his horse, he leans closer to her, almost speaking right into her ear. His lips quite possibly less than two inches away from her earlobe.  I mean…if I was Kim Goeun I’d be shivering with want. But of course, she’s very busy taking in the fact that a parallel world exists so maybe her libido is in the backburner for now.  But when she turns her head to face him, and it was , quite possibly, the sweetest, most electrifying non kiss kiss ever.

Now at this point, he seems to have ticked off all his tasks. Convinced her he’s a king. Convinced her that a parallel world exist. Now the next thing to do is to convince her that his feelings, 25 years in the making, are real.  

Part 2: Love of a Monarch with a Scar

But how real are his feelings?  Because the Jeong TaeEul he’s now with is very different from whatever he imagined Jeong TaeEul to be when he was 8 years old! That’s actually the first thing he had to confront the moment he met TaeEul at Gwanghwamun Square.  After they bicker and he insults her intelligence by asking,

“IT SEEMS YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT A PARALLEL WORLD IS. DID YOU NOT STUDY SCIENCE?”

He finally observes something about her.  He says,

“IS THIS WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS LIKE? I HAVE NEVER IMAGINED IT. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SOFTER.  THIS IS NEW.”

And this signals to the audience that he is aware that the Jeong TaeEul he had imagined and possibly loved for the last 25 years is different from the real Jeong TaeEul.  He might have arrived at the scene loving only the idea of TaeEul but as soon as the 2nd episode, he takes it upon himself to actually educate himself on all things Jeong TaeEul, setting aside all of his built up notions about her.

In the precinct, even in the midst of his interrogation, he takes the time to really look at her and come to a decision that she “LOOKED BETTER IN REAL LIFE.” So that’s great right, he prefers the 3 dimensional version of her as opposed to a picture. And then when TaeEul finally released him from jail, he reveals that he has already pumped Eunsup for information about her life.  He is making sure that he gets to know her right from the get go.  It was also on the 2nd episode that he went to the library to get to know her world’s history.  He looked up the poet  Kim SoWol and bought his book before going back to his world, just because TaeEul randomly quoted him during their conversation in the bamboo forest in episode 3.

Now he didn’t completely let go of his imagined version of a TaeEul because he did manage to get a short glimpse of a softer TaeEul during their early days together.  Time had to stop before he could see this softer side of hers because at this point, she still didn’t believe anything he said and was less likely to trust him enough to show him her softer side.  So when time stopped, that was the first time he got to see the TaeEul he had imagined all this time.  It was just there, buried underneath the hard, flat-earther exterior. He just had to wait til the 9th episode to finally see this softer, sweeter side of hers.

He also asks her important questions like, “Why did you become a detective?” which is essential when you’re trying to get to know someone. You ask them about their dreams to get an idea about the kind of person they are. Now, when TaeEeul answers,

“NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN BE BRAVE.  SO I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”

it absolutely fascinated him. For someone who’s had his life set for him the moment he was born, the fact that someone can make a choice about which direction to take their lives must have amazed him. He admires this trait, that she can make a decision to be a cop just like that.

Notice also that she didn’t say, “I am brave so I joined the police force.” She said, I DECIDED TO BECOME BRAVE.”  If you look at Lee Gon, the kind of decisions he tends to make are what to do. Do I leave for my home? Do I stay a little bit more? Do I give her my name?  But the one thing TaeEul shows him is that he can make decisions on what kind of person he wants to be, just as she did.  So as he’s getting to know her, learning her, he’s also learning from her.

Why is this important? Because his identity is tied to him being a King. There’s a flashback of his time with his father on episode 4 where the father talks about the duties of a king. He asks, 

“DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FULFILL THIS CALLING, GON?” 

So it’s all about performing a duty that is attached to the title of King. CAN YOU DO IT?  It is never about what kind of King do you want to be? Which makes this part very important.

After she talks about her own dreams and what she wanted for herself, she asks him,

“SO THAT’S MY STORY. TELL ME WHAT KIND OF KING YOU ARE. A YOUNG, HANDSOME, AND RICH KING?”

This question appears to pleasure him, as much as bother him.  He answers,

“A ROWER, MATHEMATICIAN, A WELL-GROWN ORPHAN, AND THE OWNER OF THE FOUR TIGER SWORD. A KING WHO HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED SUCH A QUESTION AND TRYING HIS BEST NOT TO PANIC.”

This is her asking him, “How have you been doing as a king so far?”  How are you?  A question on his well being as a king.  Like whenever he returns to her from his world, he always asks how she has been and if she’s been well.  It appears to have the same effect on him.  It pleases him to know that she wants to know he has been doing.

But then, he also has no idea how to answer her question. And this makes him panic.

Since no one ever bothered to ask him what kind of person, what kind of King did he want to be, he never thought about it.  He just simply accepted that he was a king and had to fulfill the duties that came with it.  It probably never occurred to him that he can decide what kind of king he wanted to be.  It wasn’t just a job, which I suspect is how he sees it.  That’s why he likes escaping from time to time when it becomes too much.  But here was Jeong TaeEul, teaching him how to be a better King because being a cop is so much more than just a job for TaeEul.  Lee Gon is slowly becoming a better King, just by talking to TaeEul.  Imagine how much more glorious he would become once he gives himself fully to her, and she reciprocates that love?  

Ironically though, this love that taught him how to choose to brave is the same love that he has to give up when he finally chooses to be a brave King and save both worlds. But, we still have one more episode so that’s still up in the air.

Now, let’s go back to simpler times when their only problem was themselves and their own trust issues.  So as I said, he makes great effort to really get to know her and once he was able to tell apart the Jeong TaeEul in his imagination and the Jeong TaeEul in reality, he lets her know that he much prefers the real version of  TaeEul.   At the end of episode two, he tells her,

“YOU’RE ALWAYS BUSY AND YOU DON’T CARE MUCH FOR ME. BECAUSE OF YOU, I’M POWERLESS HERE. BUT IT’S FINE.  YOU ARE MUCH MORE AMAZING THAN I HAD IMAGINED.

This moment was especially pitiful because he said this after revealing to her that he felt hurt that she kept leaving him when she’s the only person he knows in this world.  But even through his hurt feelings, he is able to understand why she does this.  He understands that she’s busy, that she has a life, and that to her, he was simply just a stranger.  So if we jump to episode 8, when TaeEul asks him if he would have fallen for her if she had been rude and decided not to help him, Lee Gon really wasn’t lying when he said,

“I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD AND THAT UNDERSTANDING WOULD HAVE LED ME TO FALL FOR YOU.”

Because he was already doing it as early as the 2nd episode.   She had just upset him and there he was, understanding why and still finding her amazing despite it all.   He tells her this in what seems like a love confession, at first, but it really isn’t.  When he compares her to the number Zero, he’s essentially saying that she alone can make him weak but at the same time, has the power to give him strength. And that whenever he felt trapped, she was the only one had the power to save him – like that night of treason.  He was seeing firsthand the effect she has on him.  And he sees that

she already has this much power and influence over him even without an established relationship.   That’s how much power he has handed to her by the simple fact that he has hung on to her existence for the last 25 years.  

This was not a confession of love but somehow, it feels heavier than that.  I appreciate how he didn’t rush to say the words I love you to her at this moment, but instead chose to show her what she meant to him.

I feel like saying I love is sometimes a cop out, you know. I’m just gonna lump all these feelings for you together and call it love.  But Lee Gon does not do that. He constantly reveals to her how she affects him. He is constant in allowing himself to be vulnerable and honest with how he feels for her.

“YOU LOOK BETTER IN REAL LIFE” is attraction.

“WHY ARE YOU TYING YOUR HAIR? DON’T TIE YOUR HAIR,” is a marked preference for the TaeEul in real life because the TaeEul in his imagination has her hair gathered in a low ponytail.

“DON’T GO. IT TOOK 25 YEARS FOR ME TO MEET YOU.  I HOPE TODAY WILL BE A LONG DAY,” is him begging, or bargaining for more time with her after having pined after her for so long. And he doesn’t hide the fact that he has pined for her for a long time.

“THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. BECAUSE YOU EXISTED SOMEWHERE, I WAS LESS LONELY FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS,” is deep gratitude.  Just the thought of her somewhere brought him comfort in his lonely life and that’s a powerful thing.  Most people depend on an actual presence of a person for them to be significant enough in their life.  But for Lee Gon, just the idea of her had been enough.

“THAT’S COOL, LT. JUNG TAE EUL,” is open admiration for her character and spirit.

But I think what really drove it home for me, and also my favorite declaration of devotion, is when he said, “I IMAGINED BRINGING YOU HERE LOTS OF TIMES BEFORE” when she asked him why he looked so calm after bringing her into the palace and the entire staff erupted in disarray.  It is a very simple line, but so naked in its honesty. And Lee MinHo delivers it with the glee of a child who opens his gift on Christmas  morning, gets exactly what he wants, and proceeds to tell his parents thank you because he’s dreamed of it all year long and now it’s his.  Except for Lee Gon, he’s dreamed of it for 25 years already.  Just the weight of that longing is flabbergasting.  Can you imagine anyone loving you this much?

However, for all of Lee Gon’s openness about how he feels for TaeEul, I don’t think he ever fully allowed her into his world until the 6th episode. And this is because of the 3 rules he has always abided by when it comes to himself and all three are rooted in his trauma from that night of treason in 1994.

He doesn’t eat food that hasn’t been tasted beforehand.

No one touches his body.

No one can call him by his name.

Now the first two are broken as early as the 1st and 2n d episode.  TaeEul cuffs him at Gwanghwamun Square and once more back in the precinct.  Then on the 3rd episode, she tapped Lee Gon on the shoulder on her way to the restroom. By this time, he’s not even protesting when she touches him, he even welcomes it now.  And this is growth for him, considering the last time someone touched him in such close proximity, he almost died.  And on their first dinner together, he actually surrenders that rule willingly, using that point to tell her what the idea of her has done to comfort him for the last 25 years.

But his last rule, the one rule he clung steadfastly to, was the one that did not allow anyone to call him by his name.  He consistently refused to give her his name in the first 4 episodes, and even when he finally did give it to her at the start of the 5th episode, he still stuck to the rule.  He gave her his name, but she is still not allowed to use it.

Now, on episodes 5 and 6, we see him on uber boyfriend mode. He’s like a kid who finally got a puppy. Here, let me take care of you. Here let me feed you. Here let me give you alcohol. Here let me kiss you. Here let me pick you up when you’re stranded. Let me play with your hand and show everyone how I feel about you. Let me pat your head to comfort you when you’re lonely.

He’s basically a giver. Let me love you. But the danger in being with someone like this is that they control what part of them you’re getting, because they pick and choose, very frequently, so you never feel like you’re lacking for any affection. But you’ll never know the full extent of what they’re giving and holding back because they won’t let you in. And he hasn’t. At least, not completely.

TaeEul had to find out the whole deal with Lee Lim and the night of treason by google searching Lee Gon and his family.  When he tells her,

“I GUESS YOU NOW KNOW WHAT ROOT YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF.  IT’S MY HELL AND MY HISTORY THAT WAS ENGRAVED ON MY BODY BY THE GREED OF THE PERSON THAT KILLED MY FATHER AND STRANGLED ME.”

he simply confirms what she found out. But he didn’t offer the story himself. No matter how vulnerable he is with everything else, this source of his trauma is still something he struggles with.  And the way that he clings to the rule that his name must never be called by anyone is a manifestation of this.

Names are deeply personal and the people who are close enough to him to say it out loud are both dead.  So since he was 8, his name has never been called.  He has always existed as Pyeha to everyone and this safe distance  has guaranteed him safety.  No one will ever get close enough to try and murder him like his uncle did. But this also afforded him great loneliness. Because Pyeha is only a title but being King has swallowed up his entire existence.  That’s why he panicked when TaeEul asked him what kind of King he was.  That’s why the idea of his purpose for surviving that night still evades him.  Because if he doesn’t know who he is beyond the title of Pyeha, or King, it’s going to be hard to find out his purpose too.

And his name is his last barrier against TaeEul.  He’s given her everything, except for the right to call him by his name.  But she doesn’t wait for it. She punches right through his wall when she said,

“I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, LEE GON.”

And he is left there, dumbfounded, because she dared.  He says,

“I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CALLED. BUT I GUESS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO CALLED ONLY BY YOU.”

And with this, by calling him by his name, she is now the person closest to him. And the impact that this had on him was huge.  He’s been an orphan since he was 8 and no one has probably called his name with love until now.  She just blasted his whole world wide open. And this, I think, must have been the moment when Lee Gon fell in love with Jeong TaeEul, completely, helplessly, and fiercely.

#the king eternal monarch #thekingeternalmonarch #lee gon #leegon #jeongtaeeul #jeong tae eul #leeminho #kimgoeun #lee min ho #kim go eun #kdrama #analysis

[mysterious-masked-man]

Now what I'm about to tell you sounds outrageous, and might be disturbing, but it's something that happened to me, and even though it was brief, I can't feel at peace until I tell you what's going on.

I'm a big fan of the online animated show, Epithet Erased. As such, I'm a huge peddler of fan content, indulging in other people's edits, fanart, and OCs, and creating my own. I dont share any of it, not with anyone online that I don't know. I am a good editor though, and I get asked to help edit compilations a lot by my friend, who's name I wont tell you for privacy reasons. They've asked me to edit silly little compilations out of raw material they send me, usually just of funny thing their favorite characters say.

This is the reason why I wasn't that perturbed to receive a video file over email from an unknown person. Their email was "[email protected]", and even though it's just a bunch of random letters, I didnt think anything of it. I myself have some weirdly named emails because I like getting free trials of stuff over and over, and I only remembered the name because I copied it to include in a message to said friend, asking if they'd sent someone who needed editing my way. I didnt get a response, but I decided to open the file anyway, just to watch it and see what was up.

It looked like content I'd already seen before, and since the thumbnail was of Sylvie in the museum, I immediately recognized it as the beginning of the 3rd episode. I watched through it, and nothing really stood out. For a moment, I had thought someone really just sent me the third episode as a .MOV file. The battle between Sylvie and Giovanni and Molly began, and everything went on like normal. Right up to the part where Giovanni was batting Molly on the head with a ball of yarn, it was all how it should have been, and I laughed at the joke the same as I always did. Then, Giovanni tossed the yarn, hit it with the bat... and things started to diverge from there.

First off, the ball didnt just bounce off of Sylvie like it did in the original. He flew right off screen, and that's when I had become confused. It had already been edited, it seemed to me, so I became confused as to why it was sent to me.

Giovanni said something like "wow, that worked? I didnt think it would", and I realized I hadn't actually heard that line before, or if I had, the inflection was different. I'm autistic and this is a special interest of mine, so I've watched the whole series over again nearly a million times. I could probably recite the first episode word by word if you asked me. As the dialogue continued, it became more apparent that these were professionally recorded lines from the original voice actors.

I got really excited, thinking or hoping for a moment that it was like, a leak of some first-draft content. I didnt even think about how weird it was that it was just something I'd gotten in an email. I paused the file and tried to exit my editing program to tell my friend, but my computer wouldnt let me exit the program. It's old, so this isnt unusual. I pulled discord up on my phone to tell my friend, and that's when I'd noticed they replied to my message earlier. They told me that they hadn't told anyone my email, and to not open the file, because it was probably a virus.

I told them that I had ended up opening the file, and that it was of epithet erased, but it was different. For a while, they thought I was pulling a prank on them, but I told them it was really well done, and the voice acting was too spot on to be fan made. They *demanded* I send the clip to them when I finished watching it, and I promised them I would.

I continued playing the video, and molly and Giovanni walked over to where Sylvie had fallen over. Molly suddenly became very upset, shouting and crying. Giovanni had to drag her away. The acting was spot on, and I was seriously disturbed. I couldnt imagine what it was that made Molly react like that. Giovanni pulled her out of the room, shushing and cooing at her as she struggled and kept crying. As they left, the camera didnt move, and the music had faded. It stayed at the exact angle for another few minutes. I don't actually know how long, but I couldnt skip forward, even though I tried. Actually, I couldnt view a preview of the video when I hovered my mouse over the bar at the bottom like I usually can. I could move the mouse over the line and see it was still playing, though. I tried to pause it, but for some reason it couldnt pause anymore. I decided since nothing was happening, I could just pull out my phone and text my friend about it.

I told them about all that I had seen so far, and they told me it might have been an original storyline that was just way too dark. Then I asked them why it was sent to me. They said they didnt know. I set my phone down, and looked back up at the computer, then froze.

Because I was staring at my phone, I missed it, but there was a clip of Sylvie on the ground. It was a sprite that was unlike his usual slouch/laying down sprite. This was about the time I knew something really fucked up was going on.

The ball of yarn had lodged itself into sylvie's eye. I could see the glass had broken, and the yarn ball was seriously deep in his face. Glass stuck out of his eye socket and his cheek, and blood dripped down his face, pooling down the sides. His head was also tipped back a little, and with the blood seeping into his hair and up his head, the back of his head must've split open, too. There was a dragging mark down the wall, and the origin point was a huge red splatter where he probably got thrown into the wall.

The sprite wasn't static like they normally are. Sylvie shivered and his chest would rise and fall with his shaky breath. I was honestly grossed out by how far this had gone, but it was like I couldnt stop watching. I knew it wouldnt pause anyway. I was too scared to message my friend, because I thought it might change again.

It might have gone on for another minute, just Sylvie breathing and bleeding, until he just stopped. There was no sudden flail, no cough or sputter, he just stopped breathing, and there was no more shuddering. After he stopped, it only took a few seconds for things to start happening. The flames started up again, like they did when he used nightmare fuel on molly, and the fire alarm went off. It cut right to Mera panicking about the fire alarm, and hitting indus with a crowbar.

I was so jarred by how this became normal again, I actually didnt believe it had happened for a second. I didnt believe they would just... kill a character like that. I didnt know what was going on.

Things didnt stay the same though. Before Mera could even find the amulet, Molly and Giovanni ran into the room. Molly looked shocked to the core, and Giovanni was really panicky. Mera made Indus apprehend them both. Indus went on his whole spiel about barriers, but Giovanni and Molly never finished the punchline. He did eventually trap them, and Mera found the amulet. She admired it, and put it on. As she walked towards Molly, Giovanni tried to escape his containment to stop her, but Molly actually looked more panicked when he called out to her. Mera extended her hand, and lifted Molly up.

The sound cut out for the next few moments, but you could tell a really awful noise alerted all 4 of them, and it must have been loud, because the screen shook. The camera panned over to the entrance, which had been blocked by rubble. The roof caved in, trapping everyone inside of he storage area. The sound returned, and there was audio of molly crying, but her sprite wasn't matched up to that audio. It moved as if she was speaking, and characters would reply, but her crying would be playing over it.

The room filled with white fire, and the fluid animation that usually appears at the end of arcs began. Mera, Indus, Giovanni, and Molly were all silhouetted by the fire, but the focus was on a figure that walked through the flames. It was obviously Sylvie. As he was illuminated though, you could see he was different. It was as if he had been grayscale. His skin was white, the clouds and decoration on his coat and pants that would have been teal were all dark gray, and everything else was varying shades of gray. His hoodie and his glasses, however, were red. One eye was red with a black sclera, and drooped. The other was pure black, and the glass of the glasses were cracked. Blood dripped from that eye, and from his mouth. The back of his hair was adorned with a ring of red.

You remember how I said there was audio of Molly crying overlapping everything else? When sylvie appeared, it stopped for just a second, and then grew more panicked. It was loud enough to drown everything out, and I couldnt hear what anyone else was saying. Molly just sobbed and screamed. There wasn't even any music, just that. Sylvie didnt say anything. He just stood as the flames grew closer to the four.

Indus shouted something, then ran at Sylvie. Before he could reach him, there was a spark of red dust, and he stopped. The back of his head exploded, and he fell forward. Another track of molly crying began playing over the current one. Mera looked around for a quick escape, but I guess she just got too panicked, and she ran right into the flame. She fell down in it, and i could see her silhouette burning and clawing at her skin, which was flaking off in the fire. Yet another track of molly screaming and crying played over the two, and it was beginning to get discordant.

Giovanni brandished his soul slugger doom back, taking a step back. His eyes filled with tears, watching as Sylvie approached. His grip on the bat tightened and it shook as an extension of himself. Giovanni let go of the bat and fell to the floor on his knees.

All the tracks of Molly crying cut off as Sylvie reached down, and picked up the bat. Giovanni bowed his head, and Sylvie threw the bat to Molly. Her eyes full of tears and her gaze averted, she picked up the bat and swung it down hard over Giovanni's head. There were a few frames where the bat collided with the back of his head, but then the screen went black. The audio continued to play. I didnt catch a lot of what was happening, because I began to feel this awful pain in my neck that caught my attention.

At first, it wasnt very specific. It was just an ache at the very top of my spine, like I'd been sitting funny. I heard molly crying again, and crackling fire. Then the pain got worse, and there were police sirens. The last thing I really heard clearly was percival reporting something to her radio, about being at the scene and finding the body of "an adolescent boy" in the museum, which I assumed to be Sylvie. The pain became unbearable - it was like someone was driving a nail into the base of by neck. I closed my eyes. I couldnt see the video anymore, anyway. As I focused on the feeling, I realized it was becoming more specific. My breathing cut short, and at first I thought I was having a panic attack, but it became more apparent that there was a pressure on my neck, like a hand squeezing my throat harder and harder, nails digging into my skin.

I lurched forward and turned my computer off. Once it was off, the feeling vanished, leaving a small ache in my throat. I coughed and wheezed, and the actual panic attack began to set in. I turned my swivel chair, expecting to see someone behind me, since it felt distinctly like I had been choked, but nobody was there. I grabbed my phone and fell onto the couch, hiding under a blanket as I fell deeper into a panic attack.

Once I was calm (or once it was over, anyway), I messages my friend and told them about what happened. They didnt actually believe any of it, and they thought I had been pranking them. I swore up and down that it was real, and I still do, but they demanded proof. So I had to turn my computer back on.

I got the courage to turn it on again about half an hour later. The file was no longer open, because the program closed when I turned my computer off. I tried to open it again, but I got an error box titled "Oops! An error has occured", and the box read "you weren't supposed to see this." When I checked the email again to download it and send it to my friend, I'd gotten a response from Lptnmjngaeprkfl that just read "sorry. That wasnt for you. Don't watch it again okay? I'm so sorry." No matter how many times I tried to message Lptnmjngaeprkfl I never got a response, and every time i downloaded the .mov file, it wouldnt open. If i tried to send it to my friend, it would crash my phone or computer, and the message would never send.

To this day, I'm still not really sure what I saw. I kind of wondered if it was possible for some other people to contact the creator and see if they would respond. I got my friend to message them, but they didnt respond at all. I'm hoping they respond to someone. Please, message [email protected] and tell me what you find out.

#epithet erased #long post #lptnmjngaeprkfl #tw blood #tw gore #tw death #tw fire #tw murder #tw panic attack #tw choking #creepy #sylvie ashling #[email protected]

[fatherquesadilla]

Orion D. Black -They/Them · @DungeonCommandr

4th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

my statement

"It's July 3th and I no longer work for Wizards of the Coast. I no longer work on D&D, the little that I did. This is going to be a long thread and my last for quite a while, so bear with me.

I took the job for two reasons. The first was for the dream. To escape poverty doing what I love, writing and making games. The second was to make D&D welcoming to the millions who are scorned by it.

A lot of people had hope for D&D that they carried with me. While some people were upset to see me work for a corporation that overshadows indie, others hoped that I would be able to make real change. I tried. I failed. And I lost a lot.

Liking a tweet or post, RTing, or even following people who speak ill of WotC can lose you your job in an instant. That's why you never see it happen. @Zbeg is 100% correct. It's a silencing tool. I can say more now.

Kindness doesn't replace respect. Working within your comfort zone doesnt support change. Most people in that group were not ready for me to be there, a nonbinary Black person who would actually critique their problems. Idk what they expected.

I worked hard for a very long time. I got a lot of smiles and vocal support, but it was followed by inaction and being ignored. My coworkers were frustrated for me, and still are now. I confided in them often, cried on shoulders on a few occasions.

I realized at one point that leadership had given me 2 assignments over about 5 months. It was mostly me asking project leads for work, searching out opportunities. Leadership didnt really care about me or my growth. I had to.

I firmly believe that I was a diversity hire. There was no expectation for me to do much of anything. I probably disrupted them by being vocal and following up. It didnt matter if I was supported by seniors and positive.

I think genuine people proposed me as an option and it was accepted because it would look like a radical positive change. It would help quiet vocal outrage. And because I had to stay silent, it was a safe bet.

I started to lose all of my confidence. I started to lose trust in myself. After finding out that I wasnt getting an extension or FTE, I resolved to just finish things out and take care of myself. To stop fighting and to just survive, quietly. But it just kept getting worse.

They would talk about how they're going to start working on treating staff better, retaining contractors, actually answering questions. How much they were invested in diversity and change even though they hired two cis white dudes into two big leadership positions during this. One of whom claimed that he doesnt know what he's doing. No shit. I never want to hear "maybe they just hire the best person for the job" again.

I found out that some of my work was stolen, which destroyed me. It lined up with a project they were going to do and I had sent it in to someone in leadership months ago. The project was announced and this person who contributed "forgot" that we had a meeting where I gave them my ideas, and then a follow up document the day after. I knew nothing was going to be done about it. Someone else told me that the person said sorry that they forgot. That's it.

I was really losing my ability to do much of anything. I have depression and anxiety and ADHD, all of which I manage pretty well. But those parts of me were under the pressure of being ignored, disrespected, "forgotten", and not being able to say a word to the world.

Then, as social unrest continued global due to BLM, the D&D team comes out with their statement. It was like a slap in the face. How much they care about people of color, how much changing things (that I and others had been pushing for months, if not longer) was just going to happen now. It took weeks of protesting across the globe to get D&D to do what people they hired have been already telling them to fix. You cannot, CANNOT say Black lives matter when you cannot respect the Black people who you exploit at 1/3rd your pay, for progressive ideas you pick apart until it's comfortable, for your millions of profit year over year. People of color can make art and freelance, but are never hired. D&D takes what they want from marginalized people, give them scraps, and claim progress.

I spent my time in that building worrying about how much people hated me for working there. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much it hurt to work there. I had and still have supporters, and many. Thanks to you all for being my voice and speaking out when I could not. But I felt so isolated and alone. If not for some coworkers who checked in on me, who were going through the same things? I would've quit. Every angry statement about D&D felt personal because I couldn't fix it. Because I failed, whether it was my fault or not. I felt like I was being trashed by everyone because I could not disconnect what I set as a personal responsibility from the state of the game. That part IS my fault.

But I wound up as I am now because of all of this and much, much more. I am depressed. I am unable to write. I constantly question if anything I create is worth anything. I feel like I let everyone down, and no matter how much people tell me I didnt, that doesnt change. I feel guilty for not being what y'all needed me to be, what I wanted to be, and betrayed for how I was treated at that company. It's an exceptionally kind place on the D&D team. People are very nice to each other in a very genuine way that I truly enjoyed. However, that doesnt replace respect. That doesnt delete how I was treated. It doesnt change the fact that I honestly never want to play a trpg again and am definitely not working in that field anymore.

I know that I'm probably losing a ton of opportunities writing elsewhere because of what I've said here, as well as what I've sent in internally. It may mean that I will return to poverty, which makes me feel like a failure to my race, my family, and my partner who I want to provide the world. But under all these things, I have my integrity. I worked my ass off. I did my best for as long as I could. And I didnt let them treat me like that without telling the world what needs to be said.

Trust actions, not words. Not "look at how much we freelance so and so", because freelancing is exploitation of diversity with no support for the freelancer. Not "here we finally did what we KNOW we should've done a long time ago", because they only care about how optics turn to dollars. EVERYTHING involving D&D will continue to farm marginalized people for the looks and never put them in leadership. They wont be put on staff. They will be held at arms length. I hope they prove me wrong.

A lot of BIPOC and other marginalized people are trying to make their way by using D&D. Dont shame them for that. Think about how much, and when you wield your anger, that it is done righteously.

That said, I dont recommend to anyone, working for the D&D department of Wizards of the Coast."

https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sra9pq

#I'm done with them #i've been playing since Volo's was new #and i've been frustrated with their financial screwing over of players #and their continued cultural appropriation and stereotyping #I'm never touching their products again #wizards of the coast #wotc #dungeons & dragons #d&d #time to find some new systems to play

[scientificphilosopher]

Mental Health and General Life Advice Gained Over the Years

Here is a list of some things I’ve learned over the years that have, I think, helped me live a better life

Be flexible in my narrative. When I say things like ‘I’m just an anxious person,’ or ‘I suck at confrontation,’ then I risk fixing onto this narrative rather than managing it in a healthy way. I become unwilling to recognize instances where I’m not anxious. I ignore opportunities for growth. Instead, I find it better to foster a flexible narrative. I know it’s important to acknowledge, normalize, and even embrace my identities, but I don’t want to mistake an aspect of my identity for my identity wholesale. I’m not my anxiety. Rather, I struggle with anxiety. I’m not Depression. Rather, depression has had a formative influence on my sense of self. This, too, goes for my social identities. Identities are real, and they have very real impacts on our world and our experience, but they are not everything. To paraphrase James Baldwin, identities are like garments that ought to be worn loosely so that our nakedness—and ability to change—can still be felt.

Steep in my fallibility. The more I’ve learned about my personal fallibility—which is prodigious—the healthier my relationships and general approach to the world has become. Embracing my tendency to be biased and make mistakes has, I hope, fostered a strong sense of humility. Thank goodness, since this world is messy and complex as shit, and we are often—so very, very often—wrong about things. Or at least overly-simplistic. And because things are so goddamn complicated, it can be hard, even impossible, to see nuance. Our limited and parochial natures can lead us to ignore complexity, especially if that complexity doesn’t cast a favorable light on our beliefs about the world. I’ve developed an almost fetishistic obsession with learning about cognitive biases and the seemingly infinite number of ways my psychology leads me astray (as evidenced by the persistent string of posts I’ve made on it, like here, here, here, here, and here). Paradoxically, fully embracing and seeking out my fallibility has led me to have a much deeper understanding of the world around me. As Simone de Beauvoir says, ‘It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our life that we must draw our strength to live and our reason for acting.’ My genuine condition is that of a mistake-prone, biased, and mercurial ape. (And that’s pretty cool.)

Get in touch with the messiness. Why is it important to have a flexible narrative and to embrace our fallibility? Because shit’s complex! Incredibly, intensely, bone-chillingly, awe-inspiringly complex. Our brains have evolved as taxonomy machines where we carve up the world and separate everything into nice and neat little boxes. If only things could be so simple. As it so happens, though, the world is, as William James wrote, ‘multitudinous beyond imagination, tangled, muddy, painful and perplexed.’ I have found it to be very helpful to reflect on the complexity of everything, even the seemingly simple and straightforward. 

Mindfulness exercises. ‘Mindfulness’ has, like ‘empathy,’ become a pop-psych buzzword over the last several years. This is partly because mindfulness is a very potent tool. It can fundamentally alter our day-to-day existence. There is no shortage of ancient schools of wisdom that have prescribed mindfulness as key to a meaningful existence. I’m partial to David Foster Wallace’s construction of mindfulness when he said that it is the true aim of a good education. With mindfulness we cultivate the power to choose where to focus our mental energies, to choose what has meaning and what does not. With practice, ‘it will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the mystical oneness of all things deep down.’ In short, continued Wallace, ‘you get to decide what to worship.’

Thinking about thankfulness. Gratitude exercises are a form of mindfulness I’ve found to be especially beneficial. When I have the mental energy to do so, I try to get creative about my gratitude. I try to find gratitude in the mundane, the trivial, the invisible. It’s much too easy to be grateful for grand adventures and emotionally rewarding escapades. It can be much more difficult—but equally meaningful—to find gratitude in the humdrum, or to appreciate the infinite number of shitty things that didn’t happen to me, or to embrace the vast confluence of luck that has led me to this single moment of unadorned contentedness. This is another subject I’ve written about to a near-obnoxious extent (see some here, here, here, here, and here). I sometimes feel reservations recommending gratitude exercises, since, when things are really awful, as they so often are, it can feel patronizing and hurtful to have someone tell you that you should just be grateful. This is not my intention. The world is capricious and fucked up, far more often than it should be. This is why I try to access gratitude in the moments where things are okay. I try to seize moments of grace and calm and squeeze out those drops of thankfulness. This can add water to the reservoir that I will need to pull from when I’m thirsty and in pain. In my better moments, then, I can find gratitude, or some semblance or peace or perspective, even when I’m suffering. I can, as Nietschze wrote, ‘throw roses in to the abyss and say: “Here is my thanks to the monster who didn’t succeed in swallowing me alive.”’ And, ultimately, this has helped me get to a place where I can, more often than not, remain in a ‘contented dazzlement of surprise,’ to use Lewis Thomas’ turn of phrase.

Me and everyone I love will die. You know what else I’m grateful for? This breath. And this one. And this one. It’s pretty wild to be alive, to be a self-aware extension of nature itself. What a stunning convergence of necessary circumstance needed to randomly grant me such a privilege. And, just as it came, so it will go. Randomly and inexorably. Death awaits. There is no stopping it. Dark, suffocating, oblivion. This can be scary, of course. But it’s also motivating and contextualizing. Death is not yet here, after all. And that makes each and every breath, smile, kiss, and laugh a priceless cosmic treasure. Indeed, it is precisely because of our limited time that life is so meaningful. Emily Dickinson, as she was wont to do, summed it up eloquently when she said, ‘That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.’

I am not free. At the very least, I am not free in the way I’ve long thought. I am a physical being, subject to the laws of nature, of cause and effect. My thoughts are not authored by some mystical volition or unrestrained willpower. I am thoroughly restrained. I am, indeed, destined to write this sentence from the very moment the cosmos silently but extravagantly whispered itself into life. Some people recoil from this idea, thinking that if our thoughts and actions are determined by external factors, then life is meaningless, and change is futile. These conclusions do not follow. Change is occurring constantly. Our actions have consequences. What we do chaotically reverberates into our surroundings. We are determined, but not fated. We have power, even if it is not free. Instead of catastrophizing and fearing the implications of our lack of freedom, I like to reflect on what this means for how I treat myself and others. A lack of freedom motivates in me a deep sense of compassion. It demands forgiveness for both my mistakes and those of others. None of us asked to be here. We are, as Heidegger said, thrown into existence, awoken to a set of determined circumstance. I am the type of person who has been able to receive an education, to have supportive loved ones, to have a functioning moral compass, a disposition for moving and meaningful emotional experiences, and to want to work to make the world a better place. But I didn’t choose to be or have any of this. This is all luck, luck, luck. From my country of birth to my balding head and hairy back to every last neuronal blast fashioning my inner life—not one atom or twist of the genetic braid was chosen exclusively by me. So, if I find myself as the type of person who doesn’t want to harm others, who doesn’t have unmanageable compulsions, who doesn’t suffer from debilitating isolation, who isn’t disproportionately oppressed by the unconscious machinations of social systems, then this, like everything and all of it, is luck, luck, luck.

Interpersonal stuff. I’ve been very lucky to have had resources in my life, including access to healthcare, a support system, and loved ones who happen to be badass psychologists and counselors. I’ve gleaned invaluable life advice from these dear friends of mine. And thank the cosmos, as such advice has proven to profoundly improve my interpersonal relationships. A couple of quick ones: avoid ‘Shoulding’ on people. When I’m upset and in pain, I typically desire a compassionate and patient ear rather than practical advice. When people come at me with ‘Well, you should do this…’ I often just feel misunderstood or further alienated. Even worse is the ‘Nike Advice,’ where someone says ‘Just do such and such…’ This often feels invalidating because if it were a matter of ‘Just’ doing something, I would’ve already done it. Things are rarely so simple. Similarly, I’ve found it helpful to listen rather than problem-solve. I will commiserate and look for solutions if that is what the person asks for, but usually, I will try to be simply present for the other person, to sit with their pain and offer my compassion and understanding. 

Meta-advice. Here’s some advice on my advice: take it with a fat, ballpark-sized soft-pretzel’s worth of salt. I am a philosopher, not a psychologist. I try to be very science- and research-driven, and I’ve been lucky to enough to draw from the hard-earned wisdom of other experts, but, nonetheless, I am not an expert myself. I try to live well. I try to be smart and kind and humble and patient, and I often fail. I am human, all-too-human. This is simply meant to be a sloppily-rendered summary of some helpful pieces of anecdotal advice I’ve gathered on my never-ending journey toward eudaimonia. Nothing more. It is non-exhaustive (this post is, like me after a night at home with a book and a DiGiornio, far too bloated), and I’m sure I’ll regret leaving out many pieces of pivotal information. But the above advice has (so far) been useful in my life. This does not mean it will be helpful for everyone. I hope, at least, that it would not be harmful. Do with it what you will, my friends, and good luck.

#nich #psychology #philosophy #life advic #mental health #eudaimonia #gratitude #mindfulness #death #mortality #long post #text #long

[risottonendoroid]

please for the love of the gods read this and tell me if it sounds okay.

  Giorno woke up surrounded in warmth, as usual. Under the covers, his arm was wrapped around a small boy. On his other side, another boy was practically spooning him. He glanced over at the clock on the wall. 6:42 am.

  The sunlight began to peek through the curtains, though it wasn't very strong since it was just beginning to rise. Unfortunately, Giorno was stuck. If he did move, he'd risk waking up either of his boyfriends, and he really didn't want to do that. They were both sleeping so soundly.

  Gio always woke up earlier than both of them. He was an early riser by nature, and no matter how late he stays up, he always wakes up around 6:30, maybe even earlier. In all fairness, his dad was the same way. However, unlike his father, Giorno wasn't a vampire.

  He closed his eyes and attempted to go back to sleep, but he just wasn't tired. Narancia stirred slightly next to him, mumbling something softly in his sleep. The blonde couldn't help but smile gently at how cute he was. He rolled slightly over in his sleep and fell off the bed.

  A short yelp escaped Narancia's lips. Giorno peeked over the bed quickly, hoping he was okay. This wasn't the first time he'd done this, but Giorno was always concerned when Nara had done something stupid and potentially injured himself. Fugo slept through the yelp, but woke up when Gio moved.

  "Whats going on?" he asked, soft and sleepy.

  "Narancia fell again. Are you alright?"

  Narancia gave a thumbs up to Giorno. "Fine!"

  Fugo groaned and flopped back onto the bed. "Why don't you just get your dad to buy a bigger bed for us? He has a shit ton of money, doesn't he?"

  Giorno got off the bed and helped Narancia up. "I'd love to, but you know how he is."

  "Super scary and intimidating?"

  "Sexy as hell?"

  Narancia and Fugo (respectively) said at the same time, then looked at each other with slight confusion on their faces. Fugo shook his head and looked back to Giorno.

  "Look, if we're going to continue cuddling like this at night, we either do it on the floor or ask your dad for a bigger bed."

  There was visual discomfort on Giorno's face. He didn't dislike his dad, but he certainly didn't really get along with him either. He was overbearing and overdramatic, along with plenty of other things.

  Speak of the devil and he shall come, there was a knock on Giorno's door. The door cracked open with a slight creek and a gleam from the darkness on the other side of the door. A pair of pinkish glowing orbs gleamed into the room. "Giorno," said the eyes.

  He didn't say anything, but he meaningfully looked into the pinkish glowing eyes.

  "Vanilla Ice made breakfast. Please come down with your boyfriends." With that, the eyes faded and the doorway was empty once again. A cool breeze blew in from the opening.

  Giorno sighed and began getting dressed. He considered wearing his suit, but then decided upon something more casual for once. Black high-waisted skinny jeans and a striped shirt he tucked into the jeans. Fugo started to get dressed to, following Giorno's example and dressing casual. Ripped jeans and a baggy red and black t-shirt. Narancia never changed out of his regular clothes, but considered it'd be weird if he were the only one not wearing casual clothes. He changed into a blue button down shirt with little oranges printed on it and jeans.

  After everybody got dressed, Giorno and the boys headed out. The hallway was dark, as the vast majority of the house was. Both Dio and Vanilla Ice were vampires, so the whole house had to have as little sunlight as possible. Neither Giorno nor his adopted brother minded, but Narancia had a hard time seeing even with the sun, so he clung to Giorno so he could guide him through.

  A few meters down the hall, another door opened and low light temporarily flooded into the hallway. A tall, slim figure slipped out of the room and closed the door behind themself. Giorno recognized him immediately. It was his adopted brother, Pucci. He'd known Pucci for such a long time that he cant remember a time he wasn't there. In more ways than some, he's raised Giorno better than Dio or Vanilla Ice combined.

  He'd been stand-offish lately though. Giorno had always known Pucci to be kind and polite and somebody he could rely on, but as of late Gio had rarely even seen him. He'd been quiet. Giorno had heard something about his behavior in passing conversations he heard from his fathers. Something about the prison Pucci had been working in as the priest there. It didn't really concern Giorno, but he was worried about his brother.

  There was a slight shuffle of feet, signifying that Pucci was in his slippers and more than likely still in his pajamas. It was early, after all. Giorno, staying quiet, walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. Pucci seemed startled, but after realizing it was Giorno, patted the arms around his waits. Despite being in his early twenties now, Giorno was still rather short compared to the lanky man.

  "Good morning," Pucci said in a well-mannered voice. Giorno only hugged him tighter as a response. "Sorry that we haven't spoken lately. I hope you've been well." Pucci glanced over to Fugo and Narancia. Pucci started walking towards them as non-threateningly as possible, but Fugo was gripping Narancia's blue shirt sleeve.

  "You're Giorno's boyfriends, right?" He paused for a minute, as if waiting for them to confirm, then continued on. Pucci was honestly just assuming they nodded. He couldn't see much of anything in the hallway aside from their dark outlines. "Why don't you boys follow me downstairs? I'm sure you aren't familiar with the layout of the house yet."

  Fugo and Narancia each felt a warm hand on their shoulders. It seemed kind and inviting, just as Pucci had. They each made confirming noises. By this time, Giorno had let go of Pucci's waist and allowed him to lead the way to the stairs.

  A bit if light flooded in onto the stairway, just enough so that the people traveling up or down them wouldn't trip over the stairs or their own two feet. It was by this light that Narancia and Fugo were finally able to get their first glimpse of Giorno's brother. They'd heard stories of him, but never really seen him. The Brandos weren't really a family that kept photos or family portraits around the house. Giorno probably had a photo of Pucci in his wallet, but they had never thought to ask him about it.

  Pucci was indeed tall and slender. He was dark and well shaved. His eyes seemed to glimmer, even in the low light. He did seem tired, as evident by the dark circles under his eyes. His pajama pants and baggy white shirt didn't exactly help either.

  The boys already knew he wasn't Giorno's blood relative, so they weren't much surprised at how different he looked from Giorno and Dio. They didn't know the whole story, but apparently Pucci and Dio met in an odd way.

  Dio was hiding in the chapel Pucci was working in. Pucci tripped over him while he was under one of the pews. Dio claimed to be allergic to sunlight and asked to stay there until sundown. They had a short conversation and Dio said some cryptic stuff about gravity having a play in people meeting each other. Pucci was 16 at the time. A few years passed, Pucci got involved in some shit (but thats stone ocean spoiler stuff so i wont go into depth), and eventually found himself in Cairo to find Dio again. Which he did. He's been with him ever since, sort of adopted by Dio. They would read together and stay up late talking. They'd build

model ships and planes together. Normal father son stuff. Pucci, strangely enough, stayed devout to God, despite being taken in by a vampire.

  The stairs seemed to go on forever, but they eventually got to the bottom. It was still dark downstairs, but not as much ad it was upstairs. Dio had lit a few candles so that it would be easier to see. The path to the kitchen was lit up, which was really nice.

  Pucci took his hands off of Narancia and Fugo since he figured they could find their way to the kitchen by themselves. He still took lead of the group though, guiding them to the kitchen. Giorno took the rear. He was mostly keeping lookout for his father. There was a possibility he was lurking somewhere in the darkness observing him and his boyfriends.

  They eventually reached the kitchen. Unfortunately, the house was unnecessarily large. They didn't need such a big house, but all of the extra rooms that weren't in use as bedrooms were used for Dio's extensive library. He'd collected probably thousands of books in the hundred-fifty years he's been around. Some of them were research books, some of them were fiction, some of them were diaries he'd taken from the women he'd claimed. He claimed that he's read every book at least twice over, even if the book was dully written, as he was committed to it once he had started it.

  Vanilla Ice was seen at the stove, wearing a cheesy 'kiss the cook' apron with hearts on it. His hair was loosely pulled back into a bun. Lucky for the boys, he was actually be wearing pants for once. In one hand he held a plate with a tall stack of pancakes on it and in the other he held a spatula. Dio was sitting at the table reading the news paper, supporting his head with his free hand. He looked up from the paper and gave a warm smile to everyone walking in. Pucci pulled out a chair for himself and sat next to Dio. Seeing him in the light now, he looked like he could've still been asleep. Giorno would've suggested he took a day off, but he stayed quiet. He looked to Vanilla Ice and gave him a smile, then pulled out two chairs for his boyfriends, inviting them to sit.

  They hesitated. Giorno pulled out the two seats across from Dio. They looked at each other, them as if they both thought the same thing, Fugo sat in the seat closer to Dio and Nara sat in the seat across from him. There was one seat between Fugo and Dio which Giorno left for Vanilla Ice. Giorno made sure everyone was situated. He didn't sit quite yet, walking over to the coffee pot and pouring it into a novelty mug with Hello Kitty on it. Two sugars and a bit of cream later, he sat it in front of Pucci. Giorno then sat in the chair next to Pucci, who nodded as he picked the mug up and took a sip.

  Vanilla Ice set plates and silverware in front of everyone at the table, then began dealing out pancakes. He then placed the butter and syrup in the center of the table where everyone could reach. Before sitting down next to his husband, he gave him a kiss on the cheek, then smiled, pleased with himself.

  Breakfast was spent mostly in silence. The pancakes were light and fluffy, which Narancia made sure to tell Vanilla Ice. Fugo enjoyed the flavor of them, but couldn't finish his plate. Pucci still looked half asleep through all of breakfast. It wasn't until he had finished his second cup of coffee and his pancakes that he finally looked alive. Giorno and Dio seemed to be avoiding eye contact. Their eyes met every now and then, but quickly darted away. Dio looked down at his paper mostly, smiling at others misfortunes and pointing out certain pieces of news to Vanilla Ice.

  Pucci looked at the clock on the wall and quickly cleaned up his plate and area, then rushed out of the room after pecking his dads on their cheeks and patting Giorno's shoulder. They had exchanged knowing eyes before he left.

  Giorno looked back to his plate. It was covered in left over syrup. He concidered taking one more pancake to sop it up, but didn't want to over eat and feel miserable for the rest of the day. He noticed that Fugo had already called it quits, but narancia was like a bottomless pit when it came to Vanilla Ice's home-cooked meals. He had to stop himself from cooing over how cute his boyfriends were in front of his dad. He couldn't show weakness. He was fine with being soft around Vanilla Ice, but being sot around Dio was like asking to be bullied senselessly. He felt his dad glaring at him over his paper again, but he continued looking at the syrup on his plate.

  Giorno stood up, plate in hand, walked to the sink and rinsed it. Fugo tried to hand him his plate as well, but Narancia looked at Fugo with puppy eyes so he could get his remainding pancakes. Fugo sighed and passed his plate over, then sat there, resting his head on his hands. At this point, they were really just waiting for Narancia to finish up. After that, hey could leave.

  The front door opened and closed quickly. It sounded like Pucci had left for work. Giorno couldn't help but looking over at the door in curiosity. The door was always triple locked, but he was always worried that somebody would walk through one day. The house itself always seemed empty, aside from Pucci leaving every morning and coming home every night. Sometimes people would stop Gio on the street and ask him about the house, if it was just him and Pucci living there. Many people thought the house was haunted or abandoned and that Giorno and Pucci were living in some run-down dump of a house. The curious people on the street were what scared Giorno. He hated the idea of them getting caught up in the mess that is Dio Brando.

#howl.txt #this is my fugionara fic that im writing and i :pensive: #jjba #fugionara #i just want to know if its any good before i keep writing it kjhfkjbj #criticism very appreciated hh

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

Chapter Six: Flashback, one of two, and also Maya’s in it

[Beginning] [Chapter Masterlist]

“Hey, Chief, question: so murder’s murder even if it’s one of the Fair F -- the fae, who’s murdered.”

“Murder is murder when a person is killed, accounting for manslaughter, accidental death, and the like -- honestly, Phoenix, you just think a person doesn’t count?”

“No! I mean, like… It just surprises me, is all, that you would let a human court arbitrate it and not just…”

“Revenge ourselves on the suspected killer with our magics in our home realm?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s always a possibility -- but it’s far too messy. That sort of thing tends to drag others who are far outside of the disagreement into the fighting, by way of networks of alliances, and before you know it there’s a full war that began because of a stupid crime of passion in a human bar. Some time before me, our Courts decided that humans and your courts and laws are the closest to fair, neutral judgment available, and that we would abide by their verdicts. Oh, certainly humanity was not consulted, but it is to your benefit to investigate the killings of fae, so as the allies of the deceased will not strike a curse down on all who were in the vicinity. And besides, you don’t think that, if humanity agreed that fae deaths won’t be tried, that rule wouldn’t be abused? That any man might claim his neighbor was one of the Fair Folk and killing him does not ‘count’ -- that any mother might throw her child in a fire because it acted just the slightest bit strange and claim that its life was forfeit on her suspicion?”

“You say that humans are fair and then list out all that. Neutral, with our lying and biases and stupid foolhardy impulsive actions--”

“Other than lies, we have the same faults, but so often magnified. We are impulsive and petty and cruel, with bias bred into our bloodlines -- it is an imperfect decision, as we are imperfect, as you are imperfect, as I have found even your laws to be. We make do with our best. It is all we have, in the end.”

-

A cold iron stake through the heart will kill anyone, not just one of the fae.

The same, Phoenix thinks, would go for an iron bullet through the forehead.

It’s not that he doesn’t know what Magnifi was -- Zak told him that from the beginning, and Pearl’s gift confirms for him that he wasn’t lying. And even without it, he could still see the lingering traces that Zak was a witch -- once. Their powers fade quickly when their patron is gone. He knows that without asking.

If it should matter, though, there is no way to prove to anyone else what Magnifi was.

Fae corpses don’t leave evidence. If they leave a corpse at all -- most do, but not all, and those deaths by their nature are never judged but in the Courts of Kurain, if the dead has the allies to bring the matter forth -- it is indistinguishable from a human’s, a last residual enchantment to make sure they cannot be ignored or dismissed.

Or to fuck with those left behind, as Phoenix comes to understand of Magnifi.

The evidence of the trial made that much obvious: one shot to the forehead; you cannot refuse, and we both know the reason why. A final cruelty to impart on those whom he bargained with -- and why wouldn’t he? If he knew he was dying -- of age, a curse from another, whatever it was -- the Gramarye witches would outlast him. And even if his death would take their powers away, the fae never like to feel that they’ve been cheated. One last indignity: don’t forget what you lost forever to make a bargain with me.

There is a lot Phoenix does not know, answers he is still seeking, but this, he understands. The nature of the fae, he understands.

The Bar Association suspends his badge pending inquiry, the hearing scheduled for one short week after the trial. News travels fast about Phoenix, ever since von Karma, ever since Gant, two pillars of the legal system he brought crumbling down, and the prosecution already had done half of their inquiry for them, placing Drew Misham in the courtroom with a speed that made Phoenix’s head spin. His memories of the trial are patchy, direly so, when it comes to the diary page -- how he got it, why he didn’t find it too suspicious to present -- and that will be his own inquiry: who fooled him, and how. It probably wasn’t Zak; it very likely could have been Gavin, a prodigy looking to make a name for himself, with enough enchantments and glamours to make it happen. He is human at the core and nowhere else, but the old adage, foot in each world, doesn’t seem so true, not when he drapes himself in iron jewelry like he thinks it can ground him firmly on this side of the veil.

Phoenix doesn’t trust him -- Phoenix has five people whom he personally trusts -- but he can’t condemn him, not yet. Not without more evidence.

The first lead he chases down is the forger himself, Drew Misham. (No, not himself.) The forger is his daughter, Vera, a shy, sickly little girl, and a changeling besides. Drew seems to know, but he won’t say it outright -- Vera is “exceptionally talented”, “a genius”, and he never makes eye contact with Phoenix. She was the only one to see the client’s face, and whoever it was has done a good job of convincing her to clam up. A gentle smile, she says. Like an angel, but for the briefest of moments -- a slip in the upkeep of a glamour? -- Vera saw the devil.

Not exactly helpful, and definitely worrying when compounded with the secret charm that she won’t show, but she does tell him that she lays an enchantment on all of her forgeries -- not in those exact words. Phoenix isn’t even sure that she realizes what she is, that her powers are not human.

Valant is the second he speaks with, at the detention center where he has been interred for trying to pin the murder on Zak. Talking to him -- or maybe it’s that Phoenix retrieved the magatama to keep with him on this investigation -- brings one memory into sharper focus -- the girl, the little girl, Zak’s daughter, as human as her father but draped in magic even when it was fading from Magnifi’s two pupils. And that is definitely worrying, too; Phoenix has stumbled sightlessly into the dark, and something monstrous is lurking in it.

He nearly misses his hearing -- an unnecessary formality because there wasn’t one among them, except apparently Kristoph Gavin, who hadn’t decided that Phoenix’s badge would be gone at the end of it -- trying to track down Trucy. The Gramaryes were an elusive coven -- Valant tried to make a cursory protest on the terminology, “Troupe! We were not…”, and Phoenix broke the single lock by just staring him down until he rescinded his words -- who were never found by those desperate enough to seek them out, but instead would appear to them in the midst of their search. If they had a home base, Valant won’t say, and no one else in the world knows. Zak’s daughter, Trucy is her name, could be anywhere in the city, anywhere beyond the city, out to the mountains of Kurain, and Phoenix might never find her.

Getting an answer from her about who she received the diary page from would be a bonus; Phoenix is more concerned for her sake. He was only able to briefly See her, but he didn’t like the glimpse.

This is going to take some assistance.

The first thing he can unearth in his apartment that can make a circular shape is an extension cord; he drags it out to the kitchen and sets a cold half of a ground beef patty on a plate in the center. The fake candles are back at the office, but that is an unneeded trifle -- funny, but unnecessary. “Maya,” he says, stepping back from the circle and closing his eyes, “there is someone I need your help to find.”

A cold gust of wind batters against his face. When he opens his eyes, the room has filled with a slowly-dispersing purple mist, twisting in strands around the fae standing in the circle. She has gained an extra pair of eyes since he last saw her, smaller slits right along the browbone, all four glowing red. The remaining mist settles about her head like hair or the headdress of royalty, not quite blending with the void-black tendrils that frame her face. One of them extends, almost like an extra arm made of shadow, down to the floor, snatching up the burger and tossing it into her mouth. She grins, the truest cheshire smile Phoenix has ever seen, stretching literally from pointed ear to ear, displaying dozens of huge sharp fangs. “Hey Nick!”

Immediately she turns to face the refrigerator right behind her. “Are you holding out on me? That was a lame burger just now.”

“Cut me some slack. I just lost my badge. I’m trying not to burn my savings on food too quickly.”

She cocks her head, still staring at the fridge. The mist doesn’t move with her like something part of her should. “Where’d you have it last?” she asks. “If you lost it at the office, Sis will probably have it on your desk in the next couple days.”

Ah. Literalism. The main weapon and weakness both of the fae. “No, I mean -- I was disbarred. I am no longer allowed to work as a lawyer--”

He stops when he sees Maya’s face. She has finally looked at him and her expression, however hard to parse it can be, shifts rapidly, the briefest flash of something like horror that twists into fury, a contorted, monstrous rage. “Who did this to you?” she snarls, and he didn’t know he looked, physically, that bad, or that she knew how to read the depths of his exhaustion and despair from his aura. “You want my help to hunt them down and eat their hearts?”

“No! No, that’s not what I want!”

“Oh.” She frowns. “I would throw it in for free.”

“No!” He bends down to break the circle and stops. “On the condition of not eating any part of a person, I let you leave.”

“For the duration of this summoning, you have my word,” she replies. He could -- should -- argue that, try and make it a blanket deal for eternity, but he decides they can negotiate that some other time. For now, he has what he needs, and he unwinds the extension cord.

When Maya steps forth, the glamour settles over her in a wave, the mist hanging over her settling into glossy black hair, her two smallest eyes vanishing and the others whitening and gaining dark irises, her mouth shrinking, and the four small glowing orbs that drift lazily about her face sink down to become four large beads of a necklace. And then she looks like an ordinary girl, late teens or early twenties, her hair done up in a topknot and her smile small but still toothy and just a little too sharp. “So who is it that you want to find?” she asks. She frowns, but it seems like such a minute motion compared to moments ago. “Is your prosecutor in trouble again, too?”

“No; that was last month.”

And he leaves her hanging on that one and they sit at the kitchen table while he instead begins to explain his own case, his own worst situation, and the Gramaryes. She repeats Magnifi’s name to herself after he says it, again and again until her voice loses its human quality, sounding instead like the clatter of bells or a windchime, until suddenly she snaps back. “This fae you call Magnifi -- he was banished, many years ago, stripped of his power with his name and cursed to never return.”

“Why?”

“He strove for power and made those who had that power very mad,” she answers. “And so -- ouch.” She picks at some stain on the table and Phoenix winces, anticipating her leaving claw marks gouged into the wood. “He had a daughter. No other allies besides her -- she left with him, naturally.”

“Thalassa,” Phoenix says. Maya nods. “It was a far fall for him, huh, to end up where he did. Probably all he had left was the power trip over Zak and Valant, and all they had was pretending that they weren’t witches sworn to some bastard.”

“That’s the funny part of it, kinda,” Maya says. “They didn’t even credit him, when they were saying they can perform spells for whatever sorry suckers show up hoping for a miracle -- they were just like ‘yeah, no fae involved, ignore that guy, we won’t screw you out of a deal’. And they by being like that probably screwed him out of dozens more deals with sad desperate humans. No wonder he decided his death should be one last one-over on them.”

Sitting cross-legged in her chair, her hands in her lap, she leans it back to balance impossibly on two legs. She likes to cause the double-take, to force Edgeworth or Franziska or whoever else to look twice at the way she twists the world around her. “And you’re looking for his granddaughter?” she asks. “Not his daughter?”

“Thalassa is dead,” Phoenix says. “And Trucy isn’t, yet, so yes, I’m looking for Trucy.”

“I’m vaguely flattered that you think I’m powerful enough that I can just find her, just like that,” Maya says. She doesn’t wobble. “It’s not so easy, not here in this realm, not without knowing her true name.” “Trucy Enigmar,” Phoenix says. “Or Trucy Gramarye.” Maya rolls her eyes. “I need to know which, Nick.” Names have more power in the Twilight Realm. It’s why Mia, even trying to be human, stumbled on names that weren’t Phoenix, the human whose life she owned, and Dahlia, the fae she defeated. It’s why Iris only ever called him Feenie. It was the kindest gesture she could make. In the same fashion, Maya calls him Nick. They don’t own him, not entirely, though they could. “It’s only two choices. You can’t guess?” “No. I need to know.” Half of magic is certainty, Maya and Dahlia so certain they have the world at their fingertips, Iris so much meeker and weaker than her sister, Vera knowing little about herself but knowing that once instructed she can create anything and that is all she needs to know. And Valant, weaker, because he was so sure he was second-best, a self-fulfilling prophecy, the only kind of prophecy that Phoenix ever sees. A spell can’t be cast on a guess. “Is there anything you can do if you go back to the Twilight Realm?” Phoenix asks. “Hm.” Maya holds her hands up, palms facing each other, and a purple glow begins to form around them. Then she claps them together and the light vanishes, her eyes glinting red for a moment in the sterile light of his kitchen. “I’ll ask Sis for help, first.” It has started to rain when they leave Phoenix’s apartment. Biking in this weather is unfortunate enough, but Maya insists on balancing herself on the handlebars, right in Phoenix’s line of sight, and this would be the most embarrassing way for Phoenix to die after everything he has been through. They are both soaked through to the skin but only fell once by the time they arrive at the office. The lights are already on and the heat is blasting a literal warm welcome. “Hey, Sis!” Maya calls into the silence. No answer comes forth, of course, but the smile on Maya’s face is one that shows her to be more at ease than in a long time. “I could use some help! Nick’s trying to steal a kid.” “I’m trying to help her,” Phoenix objects. “Honestly, Maya.” “Yeah, yeah.” Maya twirls through the office and her hair doesn’t move like it is heavy with water, or even like it has the weight of that much hair. She stops at the shelves of law books that Phoenix has meant to read for two and a half years and never did, running her fingers down the spines but not stopping at any of them and proceeding on to the binders and file folders full of Mia’s case references and research materials that Phoenix hasn’t known how to sort and get rid of. “Somewhere here,” she mutters, “maybe there’s something.” Phoenix gives her a moment to offer one before he asks for an explanation. “After our mother left,” she says, “Sis at some point moved some of the royal records out of the Twilight Realm. I think she was worried about our aunt getting her hands on them.” The pages turn without Maya touching them. Her bangs and the hair framing her face sway as though there is a gentle wind to tousle them. “But… nope.” She stops on a page and squints down at it, only to resume flipping a few seconds later. “This Magnifi of yours, his true name – it wasn’t just taken, but erased. There’s not even an echo for me to work from.” The binder slams shut and is tossed over her shoulder without her moving her hand. “If these witches were well-enough known, how did people usually find them?” “They didn’t,” Phoenix says. “Anyone who went looking for them, they would eventually appear to.” “Huh,” Maya says. “Well, we’ve got two options, now!” Phoenix is already bracing himself to hear them. “We can go out and wander until I find us a likely trail, or you can put up some – uh, wanted posters.” “Wanted? For the Old West, maybe, but—” “Then, a ‘lost kid’ kinda thing. You do that, right? With the description, and the phone number, and the reward money.” “That’s for pets.” “It could be for kids. Don’t let your narrow-minded cultural assumptions box you in.” “Ah.” Sometimes, Phoenix has no idea what the hell she is talking about. “If we’ve got to make a grid search of the city, we’d better get started.” Maya hops up onto the couch and pushes the curtains aside to look out at the rain. “Maya, do you know how big Los Angeles is?” She looks back at him with her head cocked. “No,” she says. “How big?” Again they set out, on foot this time. “We’re helping her by stealing her,” Maya says, jumping squarely into a puddle and splashing muddy streetwater up Phoenix’s jeans. “It’s not either-or.” She tilts her head back, face to the clouds that are darkening from gray to black as night falls. “I bet Sis can save her, like she did you.”

Streetlamps flicker as they pass, and in those brief spurts of shadow, Maya’s shape flickers too.

She leads him down streets he didn’t know existed, past storefronts that look long-abandoned, with neon signs still glowing in the windows but not the puddles they should be reflected in. “You definitely were enchanted, by the way,” she adds. “I can still see the residue.”

“It’s been a week,” Phoenix says.

“Well, double-layered enchantments are harder to shake off and take longer to fade.” She shakes her head. “You were doomed as soon as you took that paper, without anyone to help you. You’re only human, after all.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I know.” A cheap, sad ball bounced back and forth between players of a game whose rules he doesn’t understand, then as in now, a pawn dragged to the other side of the board to be crowned a knight and turned back again.

“What did you say this coven called themselves, again?” Maya asks, when they’ve been out for a little more than an hour, Phoenix soaked through to the bone, Maya having given up the illusion that weather affects her the way it does mere mortals. Her skin does not shine wet in the light. Her hair still flutters like a ribbon with the breeze of passing cars.

“Gramarye.”

“The name itself might be an invocation,” she says.

“What, like ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in the mirror and she’ll--”

Maya squints at him. “I don’t know anyone who uses that moniker,” she says, very seriously. “Is that a meme?”

Phoenix regrets teaching her about memes, for many more reasons than this, but also specifically for this. “The -- the belief is that you say her name three times and she’ll appear behind you in the mirror.” He turns to his reflection, staring back at him out of the dark window of a closed-down ramen shop. “Gramarye,” he says firmly, despite feeling a little silly, and doubting that the reflection is even necessary. “Gramarye, Gramarye.”

“That’s not a mirror,” Maya says.

“I don’t wear makeup so I’m not going to just have one in my pocket--” Something flashes in the storefront window and Phoenix glances back. Something is glowing, a small pink light, and he figures that some neon sign in the shop has sputtered back to life until it moves, flitting about like a moth thumping up against a lamp. He looks back over his shoulder. There, down at the end of the block, the light is dancing up above the street. “Maya, look,” he says, nudging her, not even sure why he’s pointing it out but compelled to. “What’s that? We should go look—”

“Nope!” She grabs his arm and yanks him back. He hadn’t realized he ha started walking, toward it, until she stopped him. “What’d we just talk about, Nick?”

“Bloody Mary? Or that I’m only human?” The light pulses, brighter and softer, but never too bright that the glare is jarring in the dark and the rain.

“Yes! That without me you walk right into enchantments!”

“An enchantment?” He looks again at the light, really looks, but nothing about its shape or color changes and he takes another step forward. The edges of his vision are blurry, like he is staring through a sheet of falling water, and he should be able to see something—

He didn’t see anything suspicious about the diary page, either. Glancing over at Maya, his stomach momentarily turns over at the sight of the pale claws on his arm. “It’s trying to lead you astray,” she says, and even when she isn’t grinning, her full shark’s mouth of several rows of teeth is made visible, and she tugs at his arm again. “Back this way.”

The light bobs back and forth, sashaying forward as Phoenix moves away from it. “A will o’ the wisp?” he asks.

Maya nods. “A distraction,” she says, very seriously. “This is all very clever, actually.” One hand still closed around his upper arm -- he blinks and wills her claws to look like stubby nails and blunt fingertips again -- she pulls him back toward the storefront. “The doorway appears where there is a need, then the wisp distracts for the witch to step forth and seem to have just appeared from nowhere.” She reaches forward, touching a finger to the glass, and it wobbles and ripples like water, opening wider and wider a circle big enough to step through. “Because you can’t just teleport like that. There always has to be a door, but it adds to the illusion if it doesn’t look like there’s one.” Stepping to the side, she waves to usher Phoenix in first. He can see a stained wooden stairs descending, before they are swallowed up entirely by darkness. “Age before beauty!”

Even in the most human of her grins, he is reminded what she is.

Beneath his feet, the steps creak at every movement, the walls closing tighter and tighter as he descends, brushing against both of his shoulders at the same time. He fumbles forward, one hand stretched out groping blindly for an exit or a wall. Maya is prodding him in the back as they go -- “C’mon, Nick, you’re so slow!”

“I can’t see,” he protests, right as he walks straight into something solid, the impact of his hand against it jarring his entire body. “Ah.”

Maya’s hand brushes past his ear to reach over and tap the wall. With a loud scraping sound, a thin crack of light slowly spreads wider and wider, shifting aside to reveal the interior of a gaudy gilded room. It isn’t the decrepit shack he expected, no rats or exposed wires or broken furniture, but it still disgusts what slight aesthetic sense he has. Everything is gold, or red, or black, a collection of clashing decorative styles, Victorian-looking couches with abstract modernist tables and shelves, and a few implements that look like something from a circus, strange boxes and colorful flags and hula hoops.

Stage magic. Phoenix snorts.

Sitting on the couch, a blue plastic bowl in her hands, a spoonful of mac-and-cheese on its way to her mouth, is Zak’s daughter. “Oh!” she says brightly, through a mouthful of noodles. “Hi, Mr Lawyer! If I had known it was you I wouldn’t have let Mr Hat lead you away.”

Mr Hat? Phoenix mouths it at Maya, even though reasonably there is no way she will know what that means. She shrugs. “Hi Trucy,” he says, looking around for a place to sit and deciding he doesn’t trust anything in this place. “Your daddy hasn’t come back, has he?”

Her face falls. “No,” she says. “He hasn’t. But he told me I could trust you, Mr Lawyer!”

Why, Phoenix so desperately wants to ask, but he is trying to keep that trust and that question will not do him any good. “I did some digging to find out if you have any other family,” he says, trying to keep eye contact with her while also watching where he puts his feet. “And it didn’t seem like it, so I wondered if you wanted to stay with me for a little while -- until your daddy comes back.”

She nearly overturns her bowl trying to set it down. “So if I stay with you,” she says, “does that mean we’ll be family?”

“I, uh… I guess so?”

Maya is laughing quietly as she circles the room, plucking up the decorations on the mantles and setting them back down. “Who is she?” Trucy asks. “Will she be my new mommy?”

“Er -- no. No, no.”

Trucy’s face falls. “Oh,” she says. “Since my mommy disappeared years ago, I thought I might get a new one now too.”

“No,” Phoenix says, “she’s just -- a friend.” Sort of. As much as human and fae can ever be friends, without the tangle of deals and magic and curses that always litter those relationships. He’s heard of romantic couplings of fae and human -- ones genuinely built on love, he means -- but that was not his experience and he has no intention of repeating anything close to that situation.

“I’m Maya,” she says. “Nick and I have known each other for a few years now. You can trust him.” She grins. Trucy hasn’t recoiled from horror from her; it doesn’t appear that she has the Sight, and another quick glance over her confirms that. Phoenix hadn’t paid attention to that last time, distracted as he was by everything else that was going on, with her, and in general. Now he can see that her eyes don’t change, but marked around them is a teal glow, in the shape of a diamond, over each of her eyes like a variation on a domino mask. He can’t quite tell what it means; curses are always easier to read, a red slash across the throat only really meaning one thing.

In the meantime, until he can ask Maya out-of-earshot, he decides he should stop staring and instead deal directly with the situation he has invited upon himself. “Oh, Trucy? You don’t have to call me ‘Mr Wright’ or ‘Mr Lawyer’ or anything. You can just call me Nick if you want.” He scratches his head, as the depth of this is beginning to weigh on him. “Or even ‘Daddy’ someday, but not now if you don’t want to--”

“Okay, Daddy!”

Oh. Okay.

“I have to get my stuff, if I’m going to be living with you,” Trucy says. “I’ll be right back!”

She springs to her feet and runs off into the next room. Phoenix moves to follow her, not sure if this place won’t swallow them both up, never to be spat back out into the world. “It’s truth, if you’re wondering,” Maya says, opening an ancient-looking wooden cupboard and rifling around in it. “The blessing on her,” she adds, emerging with a pack of microwave mac-and-cheese that for some reason was stashed there, and tearing open the pack of cheese powder and shaking it into her mouth. “It probably doesn’t look quite the same as Pearly gave you, but I wouldn’t recommend lying to her.”

“I see,” he says.

“No, you didn’t See. You were wondering.” She grins again, and she swallows the package of pasta, plastic and all. Once she told him that she can unhinge her jaw like a snake to swallow anything as big as her head; he wishes that she could lie. He wishes that her sense of humor could extend beyond literalism into exaggerated falseholds.

He steps into the hall that Trucy disappeared down, just far enough to see her running from room to room, with the clattering of objects upended and tossed aside. “Do you need help carrying things?” he calls.

Trucy sticks her head back into the hall, beaming. “Nope!” she says proudly. “I have this!” She waves at him a huge pair of frilly pink bloomers, and part of him -- most of him -- does not want to ask, but he also does not want to trek back into this hideout when he finds out she didn’t bring any of her clothes. “My magic panties are better than any suitcase!”

“Can you… elaborate?”

She reaches in through the top of the bloomers and pulls forth a pink cape. “Oh,” he says, but she drops the cape in a heap on the floor and reaches again to bring out a t-shirt. “Okay, I see. Thank you.”

Maya has wandered into the kitchen area and is continuing to devour everything she can find in the cabinets. Phoenix decides against asking her to leave him some of it to bring home for him and Trucy now. “This really isn’t a liminal space, is it?” Phoenix asks. He would be able to see if it were, the way magic hangs in the very air in his office, the way Mia herself and the last traces of her life linger.

Maya shakes her head and sinks her teeth into three donuts stacked together like a hamburger. “Hidden by magic, but no closer to the Twilight Realm than anywhere else. She’d have at least a bit of the Sight if it were.” She leans up against the wall, watching Phoenix with eyes that glamour doesn’t quite have a hold over, flickering as they do to red. “But even then, she might still be too young to know to be afraid.”

#fic: the seelie of kurain #fae au tag #ace attorney bullshit tag #roddy fanfics #NEXT UP: we learn a little more about phoenix's travesty of a life #and about his deep and abiding emotional issues. and a little about curses. and those things might all be connected. #honestly this chapter is p. dull compared to the next one. next chapter has some stuff i REALLY enjoyed writing. #1/1/2019: the middle chunk had been retconned and rewritten

[galenaes]

So... to say I’ve had a bad week... bad month really.... would be an understatement. I won’t reveal details here but I just really felt the need to watch a Glee episode... to distract myself. 

So... here are my thoughts I wrote while watching

Glee 5x18 - The Back-Up Plan

Thoughts under cut

Ok here we go.

oh no….Diva!Rachel strikes again

I honestly forgot about this whole beginning… I completely forgot she was signed to a major talent company.

….didn’t forget Diva!Rachel though

All this ego stroking isn’t helping her diva attitude though lol

Oh.  I forgot this guy says she doesn’t have the face for tv or film and that all she can hope to do is Funny Girl for the next 5-10 years... Asshole.

Well this didn’t go how Rachel planned.

How Blaine doesn’t know about June Dolloway, thus leading Kurt to have to explain to the viewers who this random woman who shows up is

Aww. Kurt wanting Blaine to sing with him

I will be honest: I am not fond of the story lines that pit Kurt and Blaine together…. because inevitably one of them loses (....usually kurt) and sometimes the way the writers write these stories makes it seem like the other can’t measure up to his partner so he might as well not even try. Is it just me?

Santana lives with Mercedes now?  So that’s 4 people in her apartment and only 2 in the loft? Or does Blaine spend so much time at the loft it might as well be 3?  That’s what my headcanon is… that Blaine sleeps over at the loft so much he might as well live there

I guess, given her talk with her agent, it makes sense why Rachel isn’t seeing the magic of Fanny Brice anymore. If I was told that the only thing I’d be able to do for the next 5 to 10 years would be the same show over and over and over, it’d change my perspective, too.

And now she thinks she can make her escape and do a TV pilot.  Though ….still… she once told Finn that she was a STAGE actress not a screen actress.  But i guess she’s seeing it as an escape because of her asshole agent.

Though she should’ve asked more details about WHAT the show this guy wants her to audition is even about lol

her trying to sneak away from her show for one night lol

It’s been an awfully long time since We’ve seen the Klaine story though lol or is my perspective off because I’ve been pausing it off and on?

The guy (CSI dude…) following Mercedes and Santana around with the sound equipment lol

yay Kurt makes an appearance

Kurt trying to talk some sense into Rachel. You’d think he’d learn she wont listen until its too late lol

Ok Rachel you can say you’re not quitting all you want….doesn’t change the fact that you’re looking for a way to quit

lol of course Rachel always gets Kurt. Because if he were in her shoes, she knows he’d end up doing the same thing lol (her telling him that if Blaine proposed to him in s3 he’d say yes just like she did with Finn for example).   He’s just more rational when it doesn’t involve himself.

Well at least NYADA considers BOTH Kurt and Blaine to be two of their finest students…

The things is, Kurt and Blaine both have different styles… doesn’t make one more right than the other. I just hate it when the writers seem to say one is better than the other…

I really like the duet though. one of the duets i listen to all the time :)

June Dolloway is so judge-y though. so not fond of her tbh

Kurt honey….

Aww Blaine… tried to get Kurt an extra ticket… he just didn’t have the $25 grand it would cost. Well most of us don’t. It’s the thought that matters though.

Well Blaine isn’t wrong… he is just one of June’s projects.

“How do i look?”  “Like Montgomery Clift.”  “What?”  “Before the accident.” lol  Blaine’s face when he thought Kurt wasn’t complimenting him. Please, Blaine... Kurt will always compliment you.

lol   Blaine mouthing the words ‘$2 million…. wow.’    He’s rubbing elbows with super rich people now.

And then she unexpectedly pulls him up on stage.

I love how all these characters can start singing any random song at a moment's notice.  Their knowledge of songs of all genres are quite extensive…

That’s probably more money than Blaine has ever held in his hand before lol

I’ve just noticed a lack of Sam and Artie in this episode

…..not letting Mercedes sing a duet with Santana on her album because Santana isn’t famous….  boo   I get the business side of it but still… boo

Rachel faking being sick… oh man….

There’s a lot going on in his episode

lol she’s already in LA

...this is so awkward.  They really should’ve told her it wasn’t a musical. I mean, she also should’ve asked questions about the plot of the damn show. I get why she would’ve thought it was a musical, the name… the fact that they poached her from the stage… etc but still…

Did they not give her sides to audition with? What did they expect her to do for her audition???

Oh. The assistant never sent the script to her…

omg this script is terrible lol

lol well this bit Rachel on the ass.  Her understudy fell and now somehow she’s gotta get to NYC from LA by 7:30 lol

Blaine: “I wanna be you when i grow up.” lol  

Blaine is adorable though

I love you for trying, Blaine ...trying to make June Dolloway give Kurt a chance.  

And fuck you, June.  Telling Blaine to break off his engagement to Kurt.

And also fuck you, June for telling Blaine he’s settling with Kurt...that he could do better. UGH

I hate her for putting those thoughts in his head.  I love him for resisting.

This isn’t going well is it, Rachel? Stuck in LA traffic…

And cue Kurt running and getting Santana to go on the stage for Rachel lol.  

Mercedes is so set on having Santana on her album <3

Kurt storming in “do either if you look at your phone?” lol

“We have to delay tonight’s performance until she gets back. Okay, I’m thinking maybe like a bomb threat, or maybe like a bed bug scare or...maybe I run out into the lobby, and I’m like, ‘hey Barbra’s in the park and she’s doing a concert for free!” L O L  one of Kurt’s best lines imo

Though maybe the bomb threat isn’t a good idea, Kurt. That’d put you in jail if they found out it was you lol

Rachel is lucky they didn’t fire her for not showing up when she said she’d be there though.  At least Santana stepped up

And this is the actual scene where Santana and Rachel make up and mend fences…

Oh, Rachel, honey, you’re not done throwing away your dreams.  Just wait….give it a couple more episodes

Kurt and Blaine movie night <3

Blaine hasn’t sent any texts updating you, Kurt, because June is not a nice person and wants him to break up with you….

lol “Is she being inappropriate because I draw a line.”  “What? No. Gross. Not at all.”  Blaine’s face lol

Blaine, honey, you’re avoiding the issue and it’s going to come and bite you in the ass.

Oh Blaine…. you should never have mentioned that Kurt would have a part in it….  THAT’S where you screwed up.  If you never mentioned it, Kurt would never have gotten pissed at you (later in a different episode lol).

“You’re such a sweetheart! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the surprise.”   Aww. Kurt is adorable

And Blaine is sitting there like ‘oh shit i shouldn’t have said that.’

“Oh, I love you so much!” smooch.    

omg Blaine you fucked up.

oh, Rachel….  you fucked up too..      

The only plot where no one fucked up was Mercedes and Santana’s story

Rachel, honey, stop…. you just got your ass chewed out and with the possibility of being sued and losing all chance of working on Broadway again if you leave your contract… can you really afford to do this?  no...you really can’t….

…..I can’t remember if the show ever followed through and had the producers sue her for breach of contract….

#series rewatch: glee

[smolvampire-blog]

A vampire in my mind is...

Lets begin with what I believe the transformation of a vampire should involve. If it were up to me, a vampire would be “made” when a human has been fed on (substantially) and then ingests the blood of another vampire. 

I am also open to the idea of vampires being chosen and gifted with immortality by some god/goddess or supreme being/council (haven't figured that out yet, but its an idea)

I believe vampires should have to eat at least every 2 to 3 days to prevent weakness/signs of starvation, however it would be normal for a vampire to eat a small meal every day to sustain itself and keep strong.

The transformation into a vampire barely changes your appearance if you are “bitten”. If you are “chosen” your transformation is a little bit different. (I’ll expand on this more later) If you are bitten and fed vampire blood, your eye teeth will gradually become lengthened and pointed over the next 3 days and your hunger will burn more each day to the point of unbearable need at the 3 day mark. Eyes may become more vivid in color, but do not change otherwise in appearance. Skin generally clears up but does not become fairer.  

Bones become as strong as steel, finger nails begin to grow naturally thicker and sharper and that is all that changes in appearance for a human, bitten and fed to become a vampire. Cannot retract fangs. Physical disabilities are healed.  (will expand more on symptoms of change and behavior, weaknesses and strengths) Posses incredible strength and speed. Very stealthy. 

If you are “chosen”, the physical outward change is a little bit more extensive. Over the span of about 5 days: Your hair becomes the best version of itself, silkier, softer, stronger, shinier, etc. Your skin smooths out, perfecting itself, lightly glows in moonlight and may take a paler tone. Your eyes divert to a shade of blue (pale, dark, light, etc) and your nails begin to naturally grow sharper and thicker. Your eye teeth lengthen out and become pointed over the span of 5 days (this being the point of unbearable hunger for a chosen vampire). Lower eye teeth sharpen but do not lengthen. Chosen vamps have the ability to retract their fangs. Bones become stronger than steel, any physical disabilities are healed. Possess beyond extreme strength and speed. Extremely stealthy.

When you transform, your human body dies. This can happen instantly or up to 24 hours later for bitten vampires and anywhere from 24-72 hours for a chosen vampire. If a bitten vampire doeskin feed within 3 days of change, they die. If a chosen vampire doesn't feed within 5 days of change, they die.

Bitten lineage: A vampires strength and dependency on blood dilutes itself little by little after each generation. A typical bitten vampire can turn about 3 to 5 successful vampires before they lose the ability to change a human. Their venom/magic just loses its potency.  Chosen lineage: Can change as many people as they want, no limit. However its frowned upon by the higher ups to abuse this power. Chosen vampires can choose whether or not to offer some of their power to the vampire they create. This will lend the bitten vampire minimal psychic power and slightly enhanced abilities compared to a regular bitten vampire - though they will not become stronger than a chosen vamp. Power is returned after 2-3 moons.

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Differences between bitten and chosen vampires: STRENGTHS - Chosen: extremely heightened senses, psychic included (telepathy, influencing). Can go up to 5 days (vs 3) without feeding before showing signs of vampire starvation. Can resist sunlight better than bitten vamps. Can communicate with creatures of the night. Can manipulate darkness/lose physical form (learned ability usually takes hundred of years to learn) Heal VERY quickly/can regenerate. Blood contains more strength/healing properties for bitten vamps, can heal them and humans instantly whether the human has been fed on or not. Always know exactly what time of day it is and if the sun is bad or not, even indoors.  - Bitten: heightened senses, excluding psychic (most of the time). Cannot resist sunlight. Cannot communicate with animals or manipulate darkness unless being allowed by a chosen vamp with tremendous power. Heal quickly, but do not regenerate. Blood can help heal human, only AFTER human has been fed on within 72 hours.  Can usually tell what time of day or night it is even when indoors.

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Differences between bitten and chosen vampires: WEAKNESSES

- Chosen: weak to sunlight, will die under direct exposure after about half an hour (extremely painful) Can go out in dark, cloudy days without much irritation. Wooden stakes to the heart. Cannot drink cold blood.

- Bitten: deathly weak to sunlight, will become seriously wounded within seconds and die within 5 minutes under direct sunlight. Most don’t even risk it on cloudy days and wait until nightfall to move about. Fire. Wood. Beheading. (*i want to do research on more weaknesses*) Cannot drink cold blood. 

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Symptoms of change when “bitten”

- Minutes after ingesting vampire blood the first sign is stomach aches, starts off small and gradually grows more and more painful until human body dies. Vision will seem too bright, triggering headaches/migraines. Irritability goes up usually an hour or so before the death of the human body.  - When human body dies/24 hour mark: You will vomit anything that was in your system, including the vampire blood (its already done its job at this point), sometimes coughing is a thing, eventually you will convulse and “die”.  - Waking up from death: most experience slight headaches, eye color has become more vivid, in turn your vision and other senses will rapidly heighten. Fangs are beginning to grow, hunger is present in the deepest parts of your soul. Fangs may not be completely functional until the 3rd day - at this point the hunger would be absolutely unbearable. Some vampires cave before the 3rd day mark, thought without fully grown fangs, it gets really messy. Still irritable. Dislikes sunlight. - 2nd and 3rd day after death: hunger increase infinitely more than you ever thought possible after each night, may try to eat human food - will later vomit it up, may or may not be aware of what they crave. Most do not sleep throughout the transformation. Hunger burns most intensely at night, eventually it will feel as if your heart is turning to molten lava and infecting each of your veins with the inscrutable pain. This may cause disorientation/delusion. By the 3rd day any bitten vampire will be more or less unable to resist attacking a human, usually killing their first victim. Extremely irritable.

Symptoms of change when “chosen” - Minutes after being chosen: usually a fainting spell occurs, when the person comes to, they generally don't know what happened or why they fainted. Might have a slight headache.

- 1st + 2nd day after being chosen: might be itchy, skin lightens slightly, eyes begin to take on a blue hue, hair beings to darken slightly and appears to be growing healthier, irritable towards the end of the 2nd day, senses begin to heighten beginning of 2nd day, things become too bright and loud. Sensory overload. Hunger is present thought not unbearable at this point. May try to eat human food but will usually vomit it up (unless its literally a bloody piece of raw meat - though still wont sustain a changing vampire).

- 3rd day / Death of the human body: stomach aches and a raging hunger are present by the third day, senses are extremely heightened and subject will be incredibly irritable. A fever will form and subject will feel immensely under the weather. Eventually they either fall asleep or faint and thats when they die. It’s not quite as gross and painful as a “bitten” transformation but its still not pleasant. Fangs are mostly developed.

- The Day After Death / 4th Day: subject will wake up with an immense, overwhelming hunger - physically aching in every possible way for blood (comparable to the 3rd day after a bitten vampires transformation begins). they will also wake up disoriented and confused about their new senses (which are fully developed at this point) things will seem excruciatingly loud, subject will not know its own strength. Fangs are completely developed. Eyes have reached their final shade of blue (can be any shade), any physical disabilities will be gone, basically your body will be in its most perfect form. Can weakly hear thoughts as well as project thoughts whether or not they mean to. If the vampire feeds on this day they will have full access to their psychic abilities.

- 5th and Final day: subject will be insanely irritable at this point, will not be able to resist a humans blood and will die by midnight if they don't feed. the physical (and at this point mental) pain of not feeding will be absolutely overwhelming and irresistible. all physical abilities and appearances are finalized, psychic power is completely within your grasp after feeding. Can retract fangs after first feeding.

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Blood Sharing: Can work differently depending on species involved. - human to bitten vamp: Human will feel whatever the vampire wants them to. Bitten vamps cannot (under most circumstances) connect to a humans mind the way a chosen vamp could. Human can ingest the vampire blood, it wont taste very good to the human but does possess healing properties if the human has been fed on recently. A humans bite does nothing for a vampire. - human to chosen vamp: Chosen vamp can make human feel any way they want, can even communicate telepathically and share memories. - bitten vamp to bitten vamp: can share blood but it doesn't do very much to sustain - instead it is usually done as an intimate experience. Vamps can send their feelings to each other. - bitten vamp to chosen vamp: this allows the chosen vamp to choose whether or not to lend some of his or her power to the bitten vampire. they can speak psychically and share memories. Chosen blood tastes better to bitten vamps than just another bitten vamps blood and bestows more strength and power onto them than that of 10 humans would.  - chosen vamp to chosen vamp: ultimate blood sharing experience, this enhances both vampires powers afterwards and proves to be the most pleasurable of blood sharing combos. both vampires feel nothing but pleasure and immense, throbbing, sensual power. their blood tastes better than a humans and sustains them just as well. Too much blood sharing, in extreme cases can lead to madness on either ( or both ) parties sides. If human blood is not ingested at between sessions for too many days in a row the chosen vampires involved will become mentally ill.

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Random tidbits: - do not need to breathe or sleep, but can and sometimes do - are not susceptible to extreme cold - usually find heat (over 22 degrees Celsius) uncomfortable, but not unbearable - strength is first to weaken due to hunger, then smell, hearing and sight (reduced to human like ability when extremely starved). - cannot enter a persons home without their permission (permission can be revoked - must be loud, clear and in vampires presence) - chosen vamps can see auras after about 15-20 years - vampire sight can be considered sharper than a hawks - bitten vamp would heal completely from a gut stab wound in about 15 to 20 minutes - chosen vamp would heal completely from a gut stab wound in no less than 5 to 7 minutes - vamps are generally independent creatures, but may form small groups/families of 2-4

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Anyway thats all for now because I’m about to piss myself. I’m going to elaborate much, MUCH more another time because I don’t have a life :)

But if I can actually piece some semblance of a story together, I really want to give it a go. 

#*subject to change #vampire #mine #me #writing #ideas #vamps #brainstorming #night #shadow #dark

[thundershadowfox1324]

Chapter 1

My name is wren, and I am unhappy. That's all I got to say really. If I'm honest I don't know why I'm alive, its almost like my existence is either cursed or a mistake. I'm technically the heir to the throne in the crystal kingdom. the only heir, and what a failure am I at that. My mother, the queen, died shortly after my birth to sickness, so it's just been me and father. He hates me with every fiber of his being. I have done everything he has asked of me but It's never enough. if I wasn't the last of his bloodline he probably would have had me killed. He makes due with making sure I know my place, It's probably why my anxiety is so bad. My life has been completely and absolutely awful. You would think that life would be great, being royalty and all. but people know nothing about the truth inside these cold walls. I'm smart enough to know what he has been doing to me... unlimited books and all. I have sufferd at his hand and under his first knight's and don't forget all the tutors. All ruthless and never hold back. I have known no kindness and frankly I'm over it. Prince wren is gone, because I'm leaving.... or I want to. I don't have the bravery to actually go through with it though. My entire existence is just unfortunate and those who are not being paid to keep quite, or participate in my torture have no clue about my true life.

I just finished up fencing lessons for the day, really just a way to sneak in an injury or two without being questioned. It is lead by fathers first knight and right hand man, Greg. Real burly dude who does not go easy. Sooo Here I am in my room cleaning wounds and what not. taking off in the middle of the night has always been on my mind... but... I don't know if I can do it. How long would I be able to handle myself without being taken advantage of or have the crown guard find me? It has always been just me and fathers shadow looming over me. He only wants someone of his blood to take up the throne regardless of anything. I still have a few years before I can do that at 18.

you know what.... fuk it, I'm out of here, I can't take being here anymore or I might just end up killing myself before Greg or father gets the chance. I might be a failure of a person but staying here is not something that I'm gonna let happen, I will come back strong enough to face them and I will learn how to rule this kingdom my way rather the the elders who beat into you the rules.

I stand up from my bed and walk into my bathroom and grab some dye that I secretly bought off some merchant just outside the castle walls. I'm to recognizable, being a prince and all, so I need to change my appearance. Even just a little. I don't like being the center of attention as it is. Getting to work dyeing my hair I mentality map out my plan. I have always wanted to color my hair but it is not "fit for a prince" the color I chose is actually my favorite color but now that I think about it the electric blue is definitely gonna turn some heads, to late now. I will just wear stuff to cover it, but being different is what I need. It also isn't like to many people know me either, being locked up most of my life.

I finish up rinsing out my fluffy hair and work on styling it up rather than slicked down so as to not be to similar. not using gel will also help with keeping from being immediately recognizable. A maid calls through the closed bathroom door that dinner is ready, and I tell her I don't feel good and will be skipping, It wouldn't be the first time so she believes me and takes her leave after promising to bring some tea and some medicine. I'm done with my hair, and I don't want whatever servant that brings the stuff requested to see me so I sit in the corner panicking over what I am about to do. After I hear the bed room door close again I exit the bathroom and start packing things. I pack practically, I don't own much of sentimental value anyway so I don't need to worry about taking up useful space. I try to keep things light as well because I'm not very strong

As a younger child I would sneak around the palace a lot so I already know what patrols to avoid. Long past the time for most to be sleeping I slip from my room to the kitchens and grab plenty of food and water. I pass by the servant quarters trying not to act suspicious as my heart pounds away in my chest as I grab some clothes that will last till I can get commoner cloths rather than that from the royals. Grabbing as well as some medical supplies and my own personal medication for my anxiety. It's not a lot but it will have to do. After triple checking my packs, I head to the vault and grab some gold and kaytash (our currency) next stop is to the armory for some weapons. I have been trained extensively but I prefer just a simple sword and shield. last I head to where the horses are kept and I prepare Renny for the journey. Renny is my go to, and she trusts me, I am not to worried about which horse I take because by morning they will know It was me anyway. I really should have taken the time to make it look like a kidnapping but how would I have pulled that off, how- no don't think, this is not the time for a panic attack. I need to put as much distance as I can.

Riding out into the darkness at a very fast pace, with the structure of nightmares behind me, I think of a new name. Pushing Renny to make some distance, I decide on Louise or just Lu. Yeah I like the sound of that..... lu... lu something. walker maybe, or hopefully I wont need one. Always been a subpar lier so I hope I don't freak out when someone askes and not give any indication as to who I really am.

Oh no I'm having doubt that this was a good idea, people are gonna ask questions or I'm to obvious, I should head back, that way father wont know and I wont be punished, I'm not cut out for this life.

I look down being pulled from my twisting thoughts to the creature I ride. I can tell I pushed Renny to hard, I won't be heading back then, I just sealed my fate. I steal a nervous look behind me. we left quite the gap between me and the main walls. bribing the guards at the gate classically into passage and secrecy. None of the guard are actually trustworthy, something that helped me tonight but one I hope to change if I end up ruler of this stupid kingdom.

#chaos hero’s #original story #abuse #anxiety #running from stuff #dnd

[heartbreak-tm]

Reversible Campaign | Ryuunosuke + Guy | Trial 6 | RE: Jojo, Hiro | ATTN: Hiro

Ryuu wasn’t that smart…or maybe he was smarter than he gave himself credit for…he wasn’t too sure but he really didn’t care that much to think hard on it. He had something else to be thinking hard on and that was at least the identity of one of the people…and something struck him. He raised his head at Hiro’s reaction…what if he keeps pushing it?

“Y’know…I’d like t’see this pussy try it. What if I keep mouthin’ off? They watchin’ us huh? Gon’ drop an anvil or somethin’ on m’head? Would be a real weak ass move in my opinion. What, head honcho can’t handle this? They gotta ‘lotta balls to be laughin’ at me in those notes so I think they can handle this. What ya so scared of Hiro? It’ll be my head caved in. Don’t worry.”

Ryuu lulls his head over to look at Jojo. He felt bad for him…him getting so worked up over this but his words made more things connect in Ryuu’s brain. Maybe he was about to look like an idiot…but at least he was thinking of moving in a direction.

“Maybe…they can’t break…maybe they scared of the big boss…Couldn’t be me.”

This false bravado…putting on a show of confidence and strength…Ryuu hasn’t had this confidence in years…but even though he looks and sounds the part. The man who had his arm on him would be able to feel the shaking of his entire body. Fear…in the face of possible death.

“This…maybe…I’m reachin’ here…but eye of the storm. The safest part of the storm…what lands Jojo there? I have a little bit of an idea but…I need to hammer it in. So let me be clear…Hiro…what part do ya have in all this? We lookin’ fer someone that can fit the Unkie…ya said yerself ya fit that…and ya got a sister…ya told me that weeks ago…so maybe ya really are an uncle too but…maybe it’s somethin’ more or somethin’ less…fuck if I know…Besides that we lookin’ fer someone that could build Chuu…well tell me if I’m wrong but…were ya lyin’ bout bein’ involved in mechanical engineerin’ a few hours ago…were ya just tryin’ t’take th’ heat off Dax or were ya bein’ genuine?”

Guy glanced to Ryuu nervously, removing his gloves as he did. Now, while Guy had his own theories already fabricated in his head, Guy wasn’t so sure about accusing anyone just yet. But when Ryuu spoke up, and had the same suspicions no less…

“…Now now, Ryuu-chan… What am I gonna do with you, barking up the tree already? Nothing good might come out of bullying like that. Ah, no matter… You’ve brought up points I’ve been thinking about too, hmhm~!

Plus, nothing wont hurt us. Our job is to find out why we’re here, isn’t it? This is different from breaking the rules, so, I think we’re free to use any method we want.”

It inspires him, his hold on his arm tightening. Guy was hesitant before, but if Ryuu decided it was about time to become aggro… Well, this might as well be their last trial. If it was time, it was time.

“The notes, I think the ones on Hiro were a liiiiittle more than just suspicious. Yes yes, I’m talkin’ about how it almost sounds like that he must be involved one way or another. I mean, it literally says 'strictly business’, in plain view, doesn’t it? What else could that mean? And why else would the note writer be calling him useless? And why would the writer’s plans sound oh-so independent on what or how he might act next?”

Ryuu’s shaking grew ever more strong the more Guy spoke…perhaps now more apparent to more people than just Guy. He held his partner tighter…in the hopes that he could quell his fear of being correct…this is all just a bunch of bullshit..Hiro couldn’t…

“Does it kill ya? Full o’surprises…sounds so much more personal than any o’the shit written ‘bout the rest of us.”

The more Guy speaks out his thoughts, the more… bad he felt. He didn’t want to accuse Hiro, or anyone at that matter, but the trial was going to go nowhere if no one was going to point fingers, if not even raise one. But still, to match his partner, to match wavelengths with Ryuu as a form of comfort, he keeps his confident face just as strong. Hoping that it was enough to count as reassurance, that so long as they braved through this together, they’ll be fine. They’ll be safe.

“Furthermore… Mimo isn’t the only person who says the nickname 'Chuuchuu’. When Hiro and I were having a quaint little tea party and art show with Chuu the other day, he sure called Chuu that, as well.”

The suffocating feeling in his chest tightened. He was almost done… Just because he was saying it didn’t quite mean he didn’t want to believe it, but fuck, a lead was a lead, right?

“And lastly…”

But still, Guy’s accusatory energy drops, just a little.

“…well, who else would scream the word 'gross’ over and over, only to call Chuu by that nickname right after?” He shakes his head. “None other than the residential germaphobe, right?”

He couldn’t namedrop him anymore. It hurt too much. He considered everyone here as a friend, so to accuse someone so extensively like that…

…Well, it’d really be no different from every other trial they’ve had.

#Ch 6 #Guy #Ryuunosuke #submission

[official-semiramis]

time for some nice anons from You Know Whooo

i gotta say these are all particularly juicy, even coming from her herself! let’s start with this welcoming triple

I’d like to take a moment to just appreciate the one in the middle, personally. You’d think a person wouldn’t be dumb enough to say ‘’im not awful im right’’  and then admit they’re threatening to doxx you right after yet here we are!! I truly am, at this very moment, shitting my pants.

(context required for this one ask: -havoc is my cat -evelyne is my gf) This ask is very vague, in fact, you couldnt have been more vague; it would have maybe been more effective if you actually made a point or two. You’re right about the Havoc part though, this is the face of a disappointed cat 

Now this one is funny because it’s not as extensive as some others but it’s possibly more of a mess. I’ll try to do my best to comment each piece of whatever this is 1-yes i do hate you for being an awful person, yes i’m lazy and occasionally hate myself. death penalty? you’re really grasping at straw here by stating the obvious lmao 2-i think you got this all wrong, i’m not trying to ‘’make you look bad’’, im merely showing people the shit you do/say so really, your actions speak for themselves and i dont even have to try and do that!  3-a certain degree of smugness is due when dealing with someone as ridiculously obsessed with you, honestly. Even if just to lighten the mood 4-im not gonna comment on the just like every man bit because of how out place it is like girl where are you even pulling that from, you’re just trying to get brownie points at this point 5-lastly, there’s a lot more stuff i could do to feed my ego and i sincerely don’t see how any of this how contribute to that, i’m just spreading awareness so that people wont have to deal with you toxic ass, that’s all

Now before i comment this i’d like to give you a tip: when you make an accusation pulled out of your ass like this and use the word ‘’hypocritical’’ it really reeks of projecting, jsyk If by ‘’pressuring you’’ you mean trying to help your hopeless abusive ass to grow out of your own bad manipulative habits and failing, then yeah im guilty Not really sure how you can state so firmly i haven’t made any ‘’progress’’ but you sure sound professional. I still wont pay you for your services though

If we’re dealing with her we couldnt possibly NOT get the topical sexually themed ask. We just Could Not. Frankly i don’t think i even need to personally comment on this, just the fact that you’d try to make a point out of this kind of stuff speaks for itself. All your asks are 100% ad hominem attacks that i guess in your brain are passed as valid points to bring up in an argument somehow. Go you! totally got me with this one! All the accusations about you backed with proof? Pfft that’s not nothing compared to this. This is the strong stuff Also for someone who’s forgetting aspects of me you’ve listed quite a few in these asks :eyes:

As if all of those weren’t strong points already, she has to go a step further! Her only aim? U t t e r victory I really dont need to explicit how all of these are extremely exaggerated and disrespectful claims to make about a person, again, without proof, since there isn’t, since i’m not the person in question but I’d honestly want to know how you could really say to yourself ‘’Damn, look at this stuff, i’m CLEARLY in the right and such a good person honestly’’ as you typed all of these. I really cant capacitate myself of that. Please do tell me. 

I’d now like to end this with the cherry on the top: this. This arguably the second messiest ask of the bunch imo. What she’s referring to is a poor and half assed attempt to end things on ‘’friendly terms’’ despite: A-her not having done or even tried to do anything to make up for the shit she’s done and B-me having repeated to her multiple times i’d rather not be contacted by her. She straight up ignored all that and tried to reach an agreement completely by herself considering how she blocked me right after sending it, not really giving me a saying in any of it. I still wouldnt have replied but that’s just not how you try to reach an agreement, you couldnt be more one sided. I’d post the message she sent if she didnt keep deleting her blogs weekly as per usual. The next point she made here, I dont think she thought it through too much If she did then she’d realize that i’d only respond to that side of hers because it’s her actual true side. If i dont want to listen to your hurried and half assed apologies where you actually seem level-headed just in hopes you can end things in a way that would keep people from knowing about what you did, it ‘s because it’s bullshit and you dont mean any of that. You only ever show that side when you want things to take a better turn for you so that you can keep on running from your past as you’ve been doing for years. That other ‘’less softer side’’ is what you’re actually thinking, and that’s why i only respond to that, because that’s where you show how you really are. I dont need to remind you that  people only say sorry for things they say when their filter stops working: your apologies only serve to try and erase the awful taste you leave when you say the truth, and they dont work I dont know why you decided to end that ask on a more than uncomfortable note but it’s what i’d expect from you, not actual points, just a bunch of vapid shitty insults Im done commenting this, it turned out way longer than i expected but i think i can safely say these asks perfectly encapsulate your persona: you’re disgusting Sonia

この番組はご覧のスポンサーの提供でお送りします! :

@elfsona

(through one of her many, many sideblogs made for the sole purpose of harrassing me and other people) 

#this took a LOT #elfsona #long post #drama #despurr #0sani #snake.log #cat #gonna add this thing to the callout tbh it's got a lot of material to further show what she's really like

[berfometalpha]

Legacy of Eternity: Side story I Am No Hero - The Demon King Awakens.

Betrayal descends upon team Zeta as Eunice Striker, as she made dealings with team Alpha's Knight Candidate Kane Glenwing for Credit points to advance her teams ranking.

In exchange she had pushed Kent to the point of near exhaustion after receiving back to back punishment from Judicator Kaivon who discovered the young knight's relationship with the twin destroyer viruses. 

Now the team could only wait for the return of Eunice to deal with another matter as she pulled up to the bunker in her speeder. Rex, Lily, Winter and Clayton were waiting for her as soon as she got off Clayton grabbed her by the neck and slammed her to the ground.

"You dare to fucking show up here after what you did to the Boss man!" Clayton said.

"Clay, Let her go... She did betray us but remember Eunice is still a Knight Archaena candidate."Winter pleaded.

"Who Fucking cares! She betrayed us when the boss man... Who need I remind you all that gave everything to make sure we all stuck together... Even Marky trusts the man who saved his ass from becoming the next chew toy of the high ranker." Clayton said as he slowly tried to crush her neck.

"Clayton! I am giving an order release your grip so we can question Eunice... Please I know you are angry I am too but now I want to know why Eunice betrayed my cousin!" Winter ordered.

Clayton scoffed as he lifted Eunice up and released his grip as she coughed heavily she couldn't look at any of them in the eyes for what she had done. Winter approached her with rage in her heart with only one question in mind Why...

"I did it because I wanted to save Kent..." Eunice said.

"SAVE HIM FROM WHAT! THE JUDICATORS OH I HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND FOR THEM ONCE WE LEAVE THE ACADEMY... But YOu tried to save Kent without even asking us and you did it all on your own... and not only that you decided to take actions on your own.. You not only put Kent's life in danger you also put everyone else in this team in danger... I will speak with the Judicators that support Kent to deal with you... Be warned... Once we leave this academy... Know this... You will not be welcomed..." Winter said.

"Wait please..." Eunice said as everyone walked away from her. "Kent... Tell me... What should I do..." Eunice cried.

Meanwhile at Ring 0 the very center of the academy where Hell's gate rests here is the one place no Knight Candidate or Archaena wishes to go. 

The Hell's gate is considered as the training ground built by the First founder Blazer Shadowfire to be the perfect training ground for a knight candidate to reach the title of Archaena. 

Each wave is designed in the hellish nightmare of the mind during the 1st war for creation and the 1st and 2nd Great Creation wars. This place replicates the same demons, Strength, and other attributes to give the Knight in question to push himself to the point of breaking his own limits. 

The first wave will determine the strength factor and the number of enemies that needed to be produced to face the Knight. Each victory the Hell's gate will produce a larger number of beasts or demons equivalent to the assessed data. As the gates of hell closed behind Kent he looked to a massive dome like arena where the center holds a small bunker that holds a bed, replenished food, and a level 6 forge to craft weapons. 

Just like the stores in Ring 2 the currency exchange depends on the number of kills after each wave. 

"Knight Redridge, prepare for battle wave 1: Kill count required 1,000... Reward... 32,000 points..." The Facility AI reported.

Kent didn't utter a single word the black queen tried to communicate with Kent as best as possible but he didn't respond. 

"Rip... and... tear... them apart!"Kent said with clenched fists. "Kent we need a strategy!" The Black Queen pleaded.

The fell beasts massive bipedal beasts with the bodies of a humanoid type species but can run like a 4 legged animal. These beasts have razor sharp claws that can shred through reinforced titanium and poisonous bile that they can shoot out as acidic projectiles. 

As soon as the gates around the arena opened waves upon waves of Fell beasts rushed towards the young knight. He grabbed on of the fell beasts by the throat and crushed it's neck as if he was peeling a grape fruit. 

He then rushed a group of Fell beasts with one slam of his fist a massive crater formed around him. Kent reached out to one of the fell beasts and buried his claws into it's skull and tore it's forehead off it's face. 

Kent looked to the other fell beasts as he created a small cut in his palm when the Vestroyer Virus flowed to the ground it created a blade of pure Xennomite-steel with a high frequency engine built into the sword guard. 

The blade stretched out to 1.5 meters long with a single endge with a slight curve near the sword guard that served as a slot for the Weapon heart.

 The handle itself extended to nearly half a meter in length with a ring for it's pommel.

He pulled the sword from the ground and named it Excalliburst a weapon made that shall grow with him and like the Trail Blazer a weapon that shall be his living extension.

Kent charged at the hoard of Fell beasts and began cutting and slicing the fell beasts apart without relent. He moved like the whispering of the wind like a skilled juggler he was able to move his grip from one hand to another from the normal grip to a reverse grip. 

The young knight fought the Fell beasts as if they were nothing one by one each fell before his blade and with each death the Excalliburst grew and grew with each swing and kill in battle.

After 2 hours the battlefield was drowned with the dead he bathed in their blood  while standing atop the mountain of corpses with his blade in one hand and the skull of the Fell beast in the other. 

The drones cleaned up corpses giving Kent a small time of repreave to repair his weapon and gain armor. 

The Black queen tried to communicate with her son but she simply gave him the space he needed to clear his head. 

Several minutes later Kent faced off against over 3200 ranked 2 Fell beasts these Fell beasts are similar to what he faced earlier but are ranked 51 in all statistics the only thing that is different between their first variant is they fight in pacts and not as individuals.

these fell beasts have tongues that can reached up to 5 feet in length two of the beasts fired it's tongues latched onto his arms pinning him to the ground. He struggled to break their grip as he grabbed one of the tongues and swung the fell beasts and crushed the other beasts that binded him.

  He then rushed towards the fell beasts and threw a dozen Knives at the beasts killing about 3 dozen of them upon contact.  One of the beasts tried to fire their tongues again but he sliced it in half and dashed towards the beasts and swung his blade wildly killing every beast around him.

Every two hours he managed to kill more and more of these beasts without rest or relent his body showed no signs of exhaustion as he fought and killed more and more beasts that can haunt any knight and they are trained to know no fear. As his kill count sky rocketed on the outside his team's kill score sky rocketed as well it was an early morning when Marky checked the team's ranking roster.

"My Faith's beautiful lips... Is this for real... Guys... and Lady Winter head to the briefing room NOW!" Marky shotued.

The entire team rushed towards the Briefing room that early morning as everyone rushed into the briefing room.

"Fucking hell Marky... Why the ever living fuck did you wake us up... We are suspended remember? Damn can't you take a fucking break for once." Clayton said as he scratched his head.

"Fuck you Clay but now isn't the time to fuck each other!" Marky stated. "Language please..." Winter stated as she sat down next to Marky. "Sorry Ma'am but listen I was checking on the team's roster and our previous position was just over 23000+ right?" Marky asked.

"Yeah... And your point is... we are already the laughing stalk of the entire Academy." Genji added.

"Look you ass... Our rank bumped up from 23976 to 9000!" Marky said as he showed the team's current kill roster.

"Holy fucking shit is this for real... You didn't hack the system right?"Clayton asked.

"Nope... I saw this the first thing when I logged in! I think Kent is doing some miracle work in Hell's gate!" Marky suggested.

"We don't exactly have any means to call him since Hell's gate is like a seperate dimension on its own... But this means only that Kent is still alive down there... i shall offer a prayer to the great Maker and Faith for his safe return... Thank you Marky for reporting this to us... If you shall excuse me I shall be at the prayer room." Winter said.

As Winter left the briefing room Rex and the others talked about their next big plan when Kent comes back from Hell's gate.

"Guys not to sound like a sore thumb but what should we do when Kent gets back?" Marky asked.

"Good question... Rex we need options?" Clayton asked. "Okay so you guys just deligated this to me again huh... Well we can always greet him and act like we don't know about miss Striker's betrayal..." Rex suggested.

"Speaking of where is Eunice anyway." Marky asked.

"Brother Markus for once... I don't know and I don't give a damn..." Genji replied. "So guys after we officially become marines where do you plan to go next?" Marky asked.

"I plan to stick with the boss... Genji also plans to do so... How about you Rex I know you wont stick around because of the money?" Clayton asked. "Kent is a good person... I think he will make it far... I am curious how he will fare out... So yeah I think I'll stick around for as long as it takes and see how it goes." Rex said.

"How about you Marky?" Rex asked as he handed a cup of coffee to him. "Yeah, Kent's family had dedicated themselves to helping others and saved my girlfriend and I from an entire planet's worth of angry mobs... I won't leave him hanging and besides... If I leave him with Clayton the entire fleet would be turned into a massive tissue paper for ass wiping!" Marky stated.

"Hey Fuck you Marky! I am not that bad of a leader? right Lily come on back me up here?" Clayton asked.

"I am going to say you are a pretty decent leader street wise but your sense of direction is worse than that of a 2 month old baby." Lily said as she took a sip of tea.

"Okay now that is harsh even for you Lil." Clayton added.

"By the way... I have been looking into a few things... And check this..." Marky said.

The Night Hawk's security feed caught this a couple of months ago... This proves Eunice has been consorting with Kayne as the audio logs were erased yes but the AI of the ship somehow keeps an additional copy in a seperate data pad... We can use this as evidence to push the council of the Academy to deny her from graduating... Take that you sorry bitch!

"I would like to know how did you get into the Night Hawk's data base without the right access codes... only, Kent, Lady Winter and I have a direct access to the Night Hawk's data core?" Lily asked.

"Oh... yeah... Did I forget ot mention that I... Borrowed your ID card and also took a sample of your finger print several months ago... While you were in the bath..." Marky said.

"Oh damn... Marky got some nible fingers here Woot woot!" Clayton shouted.

“Okay... Now where is my shock baton!” Lily said as she pulled out her shock baton.

“Wait I did it because I was curious why Eunice kept sneaking out at night and into the Night Hawk’s hyper radio.... I didn’t do anything else I swear!” Marky explained as the shock baton was nearly at his face. 

Lily hesitated for a moment and shocked Marky still though their regular antics is heart warming but without Kent it seemed a little different. 

She took a deep breath and told everyone that when Kent returned to them they will leave for the Frontier where the rest of the Dragon-wolf fleet waited for them. Though 7 months was long the team took their time to train working on their team work, tactics, strategy, communication, coordination, and trust between each other. 

They all promised that when Kent got back they will welcome him as a stronger team as he protected and cared for them. They will return the favor in kind and in ample amounts though they were suspended from partaking in any military exercise with the other teams and knight companies. 

Team Zeta made due with what they had in the Forest of misery as they fought ranked 42 to 51 creatures their and tested their new weaponry like the Plasma burst pistols that Rex is using. 

Marky rebuilt his m8282 Anti material rifle with a plasma conductor and a coil gun barrel allowing him to snipe from a much longer distance. On the other hand Clayton’s Chain gun was heavily modified through the Night Hawk’s Weapon Fabricator. It now has an extended barrel and a built in compensator units on each barrel with a 360 horse power belt feeder for faster deliver of bullets.

This chain gun as dubbed Trencher has the ability to fire over 9000 rounds per minute it is more than enough to make a trench since the heavy gunners use a 14mm high explosive armor piercing shells called Ripple rounds. 

Lily also made used the fabricator and modified her gauntlets to have a shock knuckle attachment along with a laser incision and health kit and her boots with a small boost kit for fast response on the battle field. 

As weeks passed the ranking of the team was already at 3,192 because of the young knight’s relentless training in Hell’s gate. 

Lily re-checked the Kill count as it already reached over 823,200 confirmed Kills in the span of 4 weeks alone. She could not help but worry about him for Hell’s gate not only challenges the physical limits of the Knight in question.

But it has a subliminal effect on the mind of the knight the longer he/she remains in Hell’s gate. The more terrible the living nightmare shall be shown into the knight which leads to mental degradation, insanity, multiple personality syndrome, unquenchable blood lust, and lack of general awareness of time around said person.

She sighed and saw the altar on the side of Kent’s private room where a small statue of Faith the goddess deity of the Dragon-wolf. She walked towards it and cleared the altar gently as it is an important memento for the young knight. 

After cleaning it she took two scented candles and lit it right beside the statue and offered a prayer to the Goddess herself. Lily prayed for the safety and protection of her brother’s very soul as hell’s gate burns the very soul of the knight to the point that they will be a shriveled shell of their former self.

Day after day Kent’s kill count rapidly increasing at an alarming rate the Judicators and Vindicators became alarmed as no knight except for the First Eternal Knight. 

Currently the record holder of the First Eternal Knight was at 8.92 million while Kent already reached the kill count for any ordinary knight of 0.921 million. 

The current Judicators are worried of the effects of the Hell’s gate on the young knight and wanted to pull him out early. As they tried to override the gate controls as it requires at least 10 of the 12 Judicators to over-ride the hell’s gate. 

Each Judicator presented their Blade Keystones as the over-ride initiated the gate won’t open. It was as if the Hell itself doesn’t want to release Kent from it’s grasp until the time is done. 

Judicator Voraiha believed in Kent’s strength not because of the Virulent plagues inside his blood but from his own skills and determination to be a hero. As he told the circle of who instigated it all according to his investigation Judicator Kaivon wanted Kent to die for his blood containing the Viruses that nearly destroyed all of creation. 

But the Virus inside him had only enhanced his body and had not gone on a rampage since his birth. Kaivon only shrugged his protest and stated that he used his family’s connections to enter the academy which was supposed to be stopped by the Vindicators before boarding. The Vindicators in charge proved and provided video evidence of his trials and none of them had provided any discrepancy or even bribery during his initiation.

“Kaivon you fool... If Kent dies... The Dragon-wolf has enough power to level the Entire academy into dust... not even the other legions can stop them... even if they tried.” Voraiha said.

“You mean... IF he...dies.... Besides the demonic blood inside his veins will keep him alive... So no need to worry Voraiha.” Kaivon said as he got off his seat.

“You are an arrogant fool Kaivon... you were never worthy of becoming a Judicator... Brothers and sisters... I wish to cast a vote... To denounce Judicator Voraiha from his seat with the circle... He has proven his worth and had tried to kill the candidates not just Kent but others as well... I have video evidence of his atrocious dealings with the other teams...” Voraiha said as the video started to play.

Undisclosed location in Ring 2:

Kaivon: Do you have everything you need? Team Beta: Yes lord Kaivon... But this Tuning fork... Was it not used to make the Viruses go on a rampage long ago. Kaivon: You are here to listen and not ask questions child... Use this fork against Kent... You need not know anything else but follow my orders... Team Beta: Yes Lord... Kavion:  This way I shall have a reason to send him to hell’s gate... This is what you get for defiling these sacred grounds...

End of Video

The Judicators were outraged knowing that the Judicators duty is to nurture the growth of each candidate and marine applicant to the best that they can be before they are endorsed to an individual legion. 

They casted down one of their own knowing they sent an innocent into the Jaw’s of death himself. All they could do now was wait and pray that he returns safely 2 months had already passed. 

The young knight’s kill count continued to sky rocket currently it was over 2.81 million and shows no signs of stopping. The Judicators then revealed team Zeta that the rank of the beasts he was facing was over 72 and they are already close enough to a lesser Demon Champion of the 7 herald gods to the 4 core gods of the void.

Judicator Voraiha asked them what ever it takes they must be prepared to face him should anything go wrong.

Though Rex and the others trust that Kent would return just fine Lily could not help but worry for her brother. 

As time went on the team made several modifications to the Night Hawk while Kent was gone though Lily emphasized that the ship belongs to Kent. Clayton took the liberty of modifying the pressure pistons of the Scorgon tank to increase their ability to effectively increase the weight distribution and its engines received a massive overhaul increasing Energy distribution, Energy usage and performance.

After 7 long months in the Hell’s gate the young knight’s total kill count reached over 7 million word spread across the academy of a demon born from the Hero of zeta team. 

The rumors tell of a knight candidate falsely accused of abusing his power and acting high and mighty was sent to Hell’s gate to die it was later found out that the accusations against him were false and a demon has been born from the Judicator’s mistake.

The count down began as the Hell’s gate will open as Knight Elites and Champions were requested across the 7 legions of the empire to come and help save the young knight or end him.

A total of 3 companies worth of Elites and a dozen champions from the 7 legions were sent as they fear the Judicators had made a demon from an innocent soul. 

Each Elite and Champion were equipped with level 5 anti-demon weapon such as the Ark-aegis light blade, Vanguard fire-frost hell claws, Shields of the ark-angel, and much more.

The judicators informed each knight to be prepared for they fear that the young knight they sent due to the mistakes of their own might turn against them. Each Knight knows that anyone who survives the Hell’s gate trial is no ordinary knight and to remain sane for as long as 2 days is already an impressive feat on it’s own. 

As the knights got into formation the Gate slowly opened as the locks clanked and its gears spun. Bloody mist began to spew out of the gate it as warm as if fresh blood was just spilt.

Judicator Voraiha lead the rescue inside the hell’s gate to find a blood bath as mountains upon mountains of bodies greeted them from the Fell beasts quilok, and the centurian like creatures called torsque, and the titan like creatures called Diometius. Millions upon millions of corpses as far as their eyes can see the Judicator ordered to spread out to find Kent from the sea of corpses.

After many hours of searching they found the young knight who sat upon a throne made of the dead with a feather like blade beside him. The knights slowly approached him as he suddenly opened his eyes and disappeared in a flash of smoke. 

The young knight engaged one of the Elites as he punched through his shields and threw him across the battlefield. One of the Champions grabbed him by the shoulder and tried to pin him. Kent countered by stabbing the Excaliburst blade into the knight’s foot as it unleashed a high frequency vibration that nearly caused the champion’s veins to explode.

The champion released his grip at the same time Kent delivered a three direct thrust towards the knight’s exo-skeletal frame which helps his movement.

Each Knight and Elite fought to their best as time went on they were slowly overpowered by the young knight as one of the Champions tried to contest him in a power struggle but had his hands crushed by the young knight.

Eventually he was subdued, restrained and brought back to Ring 2 for psychiatric evaluation. 

The Templars from the 3rd legion did their very best to restore his mind it was chaotic as if his temple were driven to ruins. The templars questioned how long was the time compression as Hell’s gate did more damage than they originally imagined.

According to the Xer-razh scientists found the time compression data was removed by Judicator Kaivon before he was dethroned as a Judicator. 

“How could 1 man turn such a boy with much potential into a monster...”Judicator Voraiha thought.

“Sir... We have a problem.” Marine 1 reported.

“Damn it all... it wont end... What is it trooper?” Voraiha asked.

“Sir... Master Anthony’s chains broke... He broke through the class 6 Gravity breaker rings...” The Marine reported.

“I am authorizing the use of rank 7 restraints... We have to fix him before we give him back to his family...” Voraiha ordered.

Rank 7 breaker rings are only used to restrain rank 89 demon god champions and only so few of these breaker rings were made that they were dubbed near extinct as their technology to make them had disappeared.

Though the casualties Kent caused were over 230 Elites severely injured and 51 Champions in near critical condition. The Knights understood clearly that a child left to die in one of the worse places on creation to be put into for no clear reason all they could do was pray for the safe return of his soul and his broken mind be returned to its former.

Days after the rescue mission roars could be heard from ring 2 the young knight tried to break out of his chains like a rabid animal.

Lily and Winter were allowed to see Kent but not talk to him for his mental condition was still unstable. After 3 more months of intensive psychiatric correction and repairs the Templars were able to at least restore his thoughts to some degree to communicate.

In an undisclosed room inside the Academy their Kent was placed in a debriefing room with Judicator Voraiha and 3 other champions poised to protect the judicator incase the young knight goes berserk.

Their Judicator Voraiha offered some refreshments to him but no responsed could be seen from him.

“Kent... Do you hear me... Respond with a nod if you do understand me.” Voraiha asked.

He nodded slowly as he slowly raised his head as his eyes and aura were surging with murderous intent. 

The knights were poised to defend the Judicator when he asked them to stand down.

“Kent we are not here to hurt you anymore... but do you remember who you are?” Voraiha asked.

“Name: Kent Redridge, Designation: Knight Candidate...” Kent reported like a machine.

“Do you know how long had you been inside the Hell’s gate.” Voraiha asked.

“TIme displacement: Unconfirmed, Time in Level 7: 17 ,885 days, 921 hours, 25 minutes, 30 seconds.” Kent reported.

“By the Maker’s will you were stuck inside Hell’s gate for 49 years... Kaivon... YOU bastard...?” Voraiha asked.

The room began to shake intensly as the young knight’s telekinetic ability was awakened by sheer rage and desire for vengeance. The young Knight’s restrains were slowly crushed until his arms and legs were freed from confinement. 

“You forgot... me... I... was told... 7 months... Inside that place... AND NONE OF YOU CAME TO GET ME... DAY AFTER DAY I WAITED... DAY AFTER DAY I FOUGHT... I ATE... I KILLED... I BATHED IN BLOOD... I HONORED MY FAMILY’S WISH OF BECOMING A HERO... I REALIZED ONE THING... A KNIGHT OF THE EMPIRE NEVER DESERVES TO BE CALLED AS ONE... YOU ARE ALL BETRAYERS... LIARS... THIEVES... I BELIEVED IN ALL OF YOU... MY TEACHERS... MY COMRADES... AND I EVEN CARED FOR ONE OF YOU... AND WHAT DID YOU DO... YOU BETRAY ME...” Kent said as his rage was slowly consuming him.

“Kent please calm yourself... We did come to save you... we tried to open the gate early but...” Voraiha said as the walls cracked from the telekinetic tremor. 

“TRIED... YOU TRIED... YOU ALL LEFT ME TO DIE... I BELIEVED THAT YOU ALL WOULD SAVE ME ON THE FIRST 11 MONTHS AFTER THE SUPPOSED AGREEMENT... I STILL BELIEVE THAT MY TEACHERS WOULD COME TO SAVE ME FROM HELL’S GATE... I HELD ON TO A SHRED OF HOPE IN THE NEXT 21 YEARS... YOU ALL DID TEACH ME ONE THING... HEROES ARE BUT A FOOLISH DREAM... AND THEY DON’T DESERVE TO BE VENERATED... BUT THEY DESERVE TO DIE... FOR THEIR FOOLISH BELIEF...” Kent said as he reached out his hand.

The Champions immediately tried to restrain Kent when something burst throug the reinforced Xher-romite steel wall. His blade the Excaliburst stood by his side and cleaved through the weapons and shields of the champions he nearly crossed the line when he tried to kill Voraiha.

Before his blade could pierce his three hearts Clayton tackled Kent as Genji and Marky injected him with a powerful sleeping serum developed only to counter the young knight should his blood go on a rampage.

“I am sorry Voraiha, but Lady Charlotte has ordered the arrest and head of Former Judicator Kaivon for what had transpired here...” Winter said as she deployed a stretcher.

“Very well, I shall send you his location... But my lady...” Voraiha said.

“Enough... you call this helping... after saving him you had him restrained and be subjected to many tortures... We are done here... If you want to help give him the title of Knight Archaena Champion... at least that way you shall be able to compensate for what had happened to him... This way he shall be able to have his freedom...” Winter said as they left the interrogation room.

Voraiha cursed Kaivon for what had happened to such a good candidate and now turned into the Demon King of Hell’s gate.

The Zerrohnian marines from the 15th Legion along with 2 Iron-wolve champions the Primera fangs guarded the exterior perimeter of the bunker to allow Kent some time to recover.

He slept for over 5 days straight and on the 6th day he woke up but his desire for vengeance was still strong but his desire for freedom was even stronger. he noticed that he was back at the medical facility in Zeta bunker with a dextrose attached to his arm. 

Kent tried to get up to see Lily was sleeping next to him as he gave her a gentle head pat he whispered.

“Thank you... Sister... ” Kent said.

Just a few minutes after he woke up Charlotte and Victor called Kent through the bunker’s intercom as communication rights were restored.

“My son... What happened to you... What is with all those scars?” Charlotte said.

“Mother... May I... Request...” Kent said as he tried to speak.

“Yes, you can ask anything my son...” Charlotte asked.

“May... I... go... home...” Kent asked.

“Yes of course you can... you will always have a home with us... My son... everyone had been worried for  you... Lily over their had not slept easily because you were missing for 7 months... and I was informed about a Judicator who absued his power against you... Do not worry I will take care of everything... I asked the Judicators as well to send everyone on your team to New Dawn... here you shall be safe... until you are ready to march again... As a Hero...” Charlotte said.

It seemed like the word Hero trigger Kent’s PTSD as he remembered the trauma, and torture he received from Kaivon and the betrayal from Eunice caused him to go berserk. Lily immediately tried to sedate Kent as his friends came in to restrain him. 

Kent was far from the person he once was no longer did he desire to protect but his desire to kill was stronger. Just before they left the Academy Eunice the girl who caused all his pain came to the bunker to see Kent but the Marines stopped her from getting near the Night Hawk. 

As the ship left the Academy with Kent’s promotion to Knight Archaena champion secured his hatred for the other legions grew. 

His team, cousin and family never abandoned him and aided in his recovery and vowed to never let a single knight candidate or marine to ever suffer as he did. 

Though his return from the academy was celebrated many hear of his accomplishments as he gained the infamous title of the Demon king of Hell’s gate was exaggerated. He terrified many marines and knights alike for his kill count was in total 7,391,512 and this is no small feat for an Knight lord to achieve yet the young knight achieved this in 7 months real time.

Upon his return to New Dawn his armada or the Knight faction New Hope was eagerly waiting for his return. On the Day of December 12, 4117 Kent’s Fleet named itself the Strike Fleet Zero Dawn in memory of their fallen brothers and sisters. 

On that day he vowed to never be a hero for others or for himself but he will be a shield that his people needs and a feathered blade that shall pave the way for the future of not just his people but for those who chose to ask for his help.

End of Flash back...

#LegacyofEternitysidestory

[ddontyyoukknow]

I am going to kill myself

I am going to slit my wrist and bleed out in the tub

I am going to starve myself and at least not eat today

I am going to pull my strands of hair out one by one I am going

To take a knife, the sharpest one int he house, and I am going to 

Slice and it will hurt but ill just watch myself bleed out

The sight of the wound should be enough to make me faint 

Maybe ill do it in the bath full of water so I fall into the water and I truly die

I cant do anything else

I cant go 

I cant continue to procrastinate 

I cant watch myself shrivel into a failure 

I cant run away this man will haunt me till my very end

This man has manipulated me all my life and he doesn’t see me like an adult and he never will

He seems me as scum and he always will

He sees me as an extension of himself he can move as he pleases, maybe I haven’t showcased enough self worth enough strength to prove to him that I do not need him that I can do this on my own id rather die than continue t be manipulated by him I am tired I just want to run away I cannot continue t be held down like this i need to go 

I need to join a farm I need to make it on my own I’m fucking leaving just leave me alone fuck the world id rather go homeless than be here with you and your fucking daughter and braindead son this is your fucking world that you have created for yourself in your own darkness and I am done sucking up to you. 

No I don’t want to work with you the thing that angers me is not that you are asking me to go to work but that I know that you leave me no choice. That I know if I say no you will manipulate the situation to no end. You will scream you will b become hostile you will verbally abuse me and I wouldn’t put it past you to do like the old days and even abuse my physically. Last time I tried moving out you threatened me with telling all our family not to help me and that if they did that they would be inn a problem with him. I’m moving somewhere and working on art when I move I wont fucking move to work at some 9-5. I don’t know why I always wished I had gotten along with you, me and your repel each other by nature. 

I can start erasing the desire I have to having a father daughter relationship this shit has always been toxic and I want out. The day I move out and I’m over the moon and I’m so happy I will look back on this and think it was all melodramatic but I feel no way out. I’ve been fucking around in m art life for so long I see no light at the end of the tunnel I need to get these feelings out. 

Killing myself is a fantasy that will never happen. I am selfish by nature and right now I will not kill myslef not for my psychotic mother or my abusive father or my stupid brother or my fucking spoiled rotten sister, but for myself and the little bit that I’ve already been through. Im going to see this out but working back with my dad was never something I foresaw. And everytime it happens I want to die I want to never see him again. 

How am I to turn the other cheek and act as if I dont care. This man is as fragile as a splinter but as pointy too. Just just an annoying nagging negative and fearful little bitch who the fuck know wtf he’s doing on this earth other than fucking me over, if I continue like this one day I just might actually kill myslef, if I don’t Make 500 by the next week I’m becoming a sugar baby and moving away. I’m becoming a sugar baby 

I’m gonna figure myself out this is not suppose to be a positive piece but I will figure my shit out but in the meantime ill be pulling out my pussy hairs, maybe I can just cut myself. Maybe ill bury myself underground. No fuck it I’m going to at least injure myself I want to cut off a finger. This hurts my pride is the truth. I’m doing something completely against my will. I wish I could say, yes dad you have been supporting me for 1 month, I will help you out. But instead, knowing I have no choice leaves my blood boiling, then remembering that conversation I had with my dad that night at the diner table, 

where I said I’m 19 I’m moving out and he said no you are not and I was saying I’m moving out and he grabbed my phone and grabbed a hammer and threatened to smash it if I didn’t agree with him. Then he tried hugging me, and I did not want to I was resisting I was shaking. And he literally had me there against my goddman Will and he fucking held me in a disgusting hug for 10 minutes and I was absolutely sobbing.

Anytime I hug you its bc I want a dad or bc I want to be good in your eyes not because I fucking love you you pig! After you forced hugged me you sat on the couch with your head in your hands. Stop acting like you don’t know how to take care of a kid stop acting like I’m so hard to deal with. You can go fuck off and leave me to rot if you think thats what will happen. Leave my to die I’m asking you please I know you’re trying to take care of me but I don’t want to you’re keeping me here against my will I am an adult I should be Able to make my own decisions let me go. Leave me alone. Fuck you I don’t owe you anything. I’m gone wether you like it or not. I might as well be! When I wanted to move out with the 5,000 savings you took it away from my account. Because I got high and Called you. Thats why. 

Life is suppose to be hard huh. I guess this is the time to be roughing it. Id be roughing it here, or there. I do appreciate the amount of time I get for my art here. So I will go, on my own account. And I will bust my ass off. For me not for you. You can grab any compliment you might give me and shove it up your ass just so you fucking know. But on the outside ill stay calm. Bc I’m suppose to be unconditionally grateful all the time bc you go actually psycho if someone nearly disrespects you. I’m done with you. You have issues that I don’t want to be apart of anymore. im going to be gone and off your hair by the end of this year. I’m going to be in new york. And Ill be happy if I have little to no contact with you for the rest of my life and im sure you will too. You never have actual conversations with me anyway. 

You didn’t fucking make me and I owe nothing to you. I made myself motherfucker you’ve just hindered me. I’m going to heal and then ill spit on your fucking grave.