Tumgik
#i *LOOK UP* to one grisha and one grisha only
infernil · 10 months
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also plotting call incoming bc i started reading ru.le of wolv.es again and i can feel the gri.sha.ver.se hyperfixation coming back lmao
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lady-ashfade · 1 month
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Blood And Pressure
Part one
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Yandere!Pjo x Fem!Grisha!reader. (Platonic Yandere gods) (romantic!various characters)
-♡ Chapters: Previous // Next
-♡ characters: Percy Jackson, Luke Castellan, Clarisse La Rue, Grover Underwood, Annabeth Chase.
-♡ this is a shadow & bone slight crossover. Reader is a heartrender and that’s all really (maybe more in the future!)
-♡ Please note that all characters are aged appropriately, so all characters are older versions of the book characters. So 17-19 characters for these, you can choose any of them really. Just that they are older teens.
-♡ warnings: short, yandere behaviors, obsession, stalking, slightly sick love, possessive, manipulative, gaslighting, platonic yandere too, blood powers, powerful powers but not godly, and future warnings when more chapters come out.
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No one knew the power you held when you entered camp. You stayed in The Big House at camp with Mr.D and many of the campers knew nothing but a few things when you walked by. You were a person of few words but spoke in glances, or at least to them you were.
You spent your days talking to Mr. D and Chiron since they didn’t like you to leave the house or their side.
“It’s just too dangerous to be around the little kids,” Chiron talks ever so soft to you.
“I mean, I don’t care if you hurt them or not but they know nothing of you— we barely know anything of your kind. So you stay with us.” He was a bit harsher when it came to you but he was also fun to be around.
No one noticed when you’d glance into a room while a patient was sick and in bed. And no one knew you visited Percy too.
You heard whispers when he arrived and wanted to check him out for yourself. His heart was beating fine and healthy but a little to high for your liking. He was having a nightmare and you could calm him down.
When you placed your hands together and calmed his heart, then his eyes open just a bit. He remembers seeing annabeth but you were new. You wore dark red and silver clothes making him wonder about you, you almost looked like royalty to him…and your beautiful.
“Sleep percy,” As soon as you spoke he was out like a light as you controlled his body and decreased the anxiety he felt. You wanted to stay there and help him but you knew you could get caught at anytime so you left. He wasn’t the only one you helped, and he wouldn’t be the last.
Another day you found yourself playing cards with Mr. D, he got too angry at you beating him that he took a break. He rests his eyes while you read a book, a very old and run down book but you refused to let it go. And that’s when the boy you helped walked in with confusion on his faces.
It was your favorite part to see someone new get welcomed.
Percy seemed to not notice you at first when his announce stayed on the god you knew, obviously he wasn’t aware of who he was talking to…and when he did he didn’t seem to care either. After a few minutes of them talking, he finally noticed you as you flip the page of your book.
“What are you looking at her for?” Mr. D tried to pull his attention away from you but he just kept staring.
“You…you were in my room that night.”
You shake your head and sit back under the gods suspicious glare. “No, no. Must have me mistaken.”
“I recognize that pin on your jacket, it was definitely you.”
“Okay kid, that’s enough now got get me that wine.” He snaps his fingers and Percy finally turns his gaze. Thankfully Chiron got there in time before Percy fell for his trick.
Percy was getting to explore the camp, train and fight and win glory. You hated how tight your at stomach got in jealousy of him. You’ve been here for two years and yet you haven’t stepped off the porch of the big house.
You stood up from your chair causing them all to turn to you. You slammed your hands on the table and started to demand that you would be going with them. You’ve had enough.
“I wanna see things too. Just for once let me see the camp, it’s cruel to keep me here.”
“You know the rules, you stay here!” Mr. D was always the one to fight with you when you threw your fits.
“Your rules suck! Let me go on the tour!” Your voice was so loud percy thought that the whole camp could hear you. Your final hope was to look at Chiron with begging eyes since he was so easy to guilt.
And like every time. He caves.
“Maybe we should. They have shown no signs of hurting anyone and it would be good to get a bit of fresh air, stretch their legs.” He tried to reason with him. You begged and prayed in your mind for it to work.
“Fine— whatever. But if anyone so mush as touc-” he was cut off by you squealing and hugging him. He was caught of guard since you’ve never do that before. He felt pride, the other gods wanted you to come to Olympus or the underworld but he got you. No one could take the smirk on his face.
Percy was happy to see you smile. It caused his mood to lighten greatly and he didn’t really know why but you seemed so familiar to him. Like he’d do anything to keep you smiling, to hold your hand…
“Come along, we have a lot to explore.” You both trail behind the centaur to take on the new adventure. Maybe this was fate.
You didn’t know it but many eyes would begin to follow you everywhere.
Next chapter
-No Taglist because idk of people want this to be tagged in (I will add you if you ask! Just my normal ones I don’t wanna spam them with notifications if they don’t want this)
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theowritesstuff · 1 year
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Yours No More
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Nikolai Lantsov x gn!healer!reader
Summary: Hiding an almost-relationship with the Prince of Ravka is hard enough, but it gets even harder to navigate feelings when he’s engaged to a Saint
Prompts: “are you really so oblivious?” & “it hurts, just how much I ache for you.”
A/N: What can I say? I love writing healer!reader. Also once again I’m mixing book canon and show canon
Sobachka - puppy
Moi tsarevich - my prince
Moi tsar - my king
SHADOW & BONE S2 SPOILERS
When thinking about your life, the young prince of Ravka seemed to be a prominent feature. There was before Nikolai, the life you lived before the palace, then there was after Nikolai, the life surrounded by other Grisha, serving the royal family.
You were offered up to the Lantsovs as somewhat of a personal healer, ready to tend to them whenever needed. The king and queen didn’t really have a need for a healer most of the time, and the older prince was often far from the palace. They younger prince however, the sobachka, had a tendency to dive headfirst into danger whenever he liked.
While this very well could have made Nikolai a thorn in your side, you’d quickly grown fond of him. It was impossible not to, what with his crystalline blue eyes, the blonde waves that adorned his head, and his charming, carefree spirit.
You’d been given an easy role. You’ve seen how other Grisha are treated amongst the other royals, sometimes even the soldiers from the First Army. Your poor friend Genya was dealt a terrible hand when it came to the roll she played in the palace, so you were grateful for the young prince’s kindness.
He became just as infatuated with you as you did with him just as quickly though. Whenever you ran to him healing a scraped knee, or when his parents sent you with him when he joined the First Army specifically to tend to him, you stole his heart little by little, until he could no longer call it his own. He almost looked forward to getting hurt, because it meant he could call upon you.
If asked he’d deny it, but he begged his parents to let him take you with him whilst he studied for his apprenticeship. They were hesitant to send you away, to lose their best healer, but Nikolai was persuasive.
He asked you to tailor him, just enough that no one would recognize the prince of Ravka on a ship. You reluctantly agreed, slowly waving your hands over his face, changing the features you’d grown to find comfort in. His blonde waves now a bright red, stark against his pale skin. His once sparkling blue eyes were now a muddy green color. The only thing that really remained of your prince was the ever present smirk he had.
“How do I look?” He asked you.
“Different.” You nodded.
“Good. No one will be able to pick me out of a crowd.” He looks over himself in a mirror.
“I could.” You stand behind him. “I think it’d be quite easy to pick you out.”
He smiles, but furrows his brows. “How so?”
“Well, let’s start with your posture. You’re still too regal. Relax your shoulders a bit. You’re no longer carrying the weight of a prince.” You place your hands on his shoulders, using your thumbs to massage the muscles. “Then there’s your charm-”
He quickly turns his head to face you, a bold smirk resting on his face. “You think I’m charming?”
You laugh. “I think you’re confident, sometimes overly so. I think you have this air about you that draws others to you.”
“Are you?” He asks, his voice barely above a murmur.
“Am I what?”
“Drawn to me?” He leans closer to you, his eyes shifting down to your lips.
Before he could press his lips to yours a sharp knock sounded from the door. You pulled away from each other quickly, both trying to hide your flustered states.
“Come in.” Nikolai called.
Tamar opened the door and poked her head in. “Love the new look captain.” She laughed. “Ready to go?”
Sailing the seas with Sturmhond took some getting used to. The few Grisha you knew helped you settle into this new life, while others in the crew wondered why their captain kept a healer so close.
You shared a bunk with a few of the other crew mates, but more often than not, Nikolai pulled you away to the captain’s quarters. He wanted to keep you close to him.
“What if someone breaks into my room and stabs me?” He asked, shrugging.
You shook your head. “Then you’d probably want the Bataar twins here to protect you.”
“Here I’d be. Laying on the floor, blood pooling out of my chest.” He collapses to the floor with a loud thud, a hand over his chest. “Slowly letting the life drain from my body.” He closes his eyes for a moment.
“Don’t be so dramatic sobachka. I know you wouldn’t take death laying down. You’d fight it until your very last moment.” You roll your eyes at him, but can’t help your smile from growing. “Even then, you’d probably drag your corpse to me.”
“I would.”
Occasionally, in the quiet night, he’ll allow you to wipe away the tailored face you’ve created for him, and bring back his softer Lantsov features. You brush a hand through his gold locks, pushing them away from his face.
He lets you admire him in silence. A clever quip waiting on the tip of his tongue, but he never allows it to escape in fear that it will ruin these moments with you.
“Moi tsarevich.” You sigh as your fingertips travel from his hair down the side of his face, tracing over his cheekbones.
“You don’t have to call me that.” He whispers to you. His eyes remain locked on yours as yours travel around his face, memorizing every detail of him.
“Nikolai then.” You give him a soft smile.
You reluctantly pull yourself away from him after a while, ready to tailor him back into his privateer persona. “It’s probably time for Sturmhond to return.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“Well,” now you smirk at him. “I think the prince is decidedly more handsome than the pirate.”
“Privateer. It’s an-”
“Important distinction. Yes, I know.” You laugh as you slowly tailor him back into Sturmhond.
Once finished you walk over to the other side of the room, where he’s added a bunk specifically for you. You blow out the few candles that were lit, and climb into your bunk.
“Y/n?” Nikolai calls from the other side of the room.
“Yes?”
“Do you really think I’m handsome?” You can hear his grin.
“Good night Nik.” You roll your eyes affectionately, rolling over to face the wall.
He falls asleep with a smile on his face, your new nickname for him floating around in his head.
You’d fallen into an easy routine with Nikolai aboard the Volkvony. You spent time with the crew during the day, tending to injuries, sometimes even practicing the heartrender specialties with Tolya or Tamar. Then the evenings you’d spend with Nikolai. You keep him company as he makes plans for where the ship is going and why, you show him what the twins have taught you.
“Watch this, I can adjust your heartbeat a little bit!”
He watches as you do the heartrender motions in front of his chest. He can feel his heartbeat quicken just a little bit, but whether it’s from your powers or your close proximity he’s unsure.
“You don’t need to use your powers to make my heart speed up.” He takes your hands in his and holds them to his chest. You feel his heartbeat through the thick blue coat he’s got on, and sure enough it’s beating faster than usual.
He’s smirking down at you, proud of how flustered he’s seemed to make you as you pull your hands away from his chest. You excuse yourself, and quickly leave him there, wondering whether or not he holds the same power over your heart that you do his.
Evenings are spent sharing moments with Nikolai, both of you teetering on the line that divides friendship and more. Quiet moments shared where you both wonder what would happen if you crossed that line. If you just leaned into each other, and took what your hearts most desired.
When Nikolai had taken in Alina Starkov and Mal Oretsev you were nervous. You knew Nikolai had a penchant for adventure, but harboring the sun summoner and a deserted First Army soldier was an entirely new venture.
You knew that he wanted to take them back to Ravka, to regroup with the First and Second Army there to find a way to destroy the Fold and take down Kirigan. He helped them find and kill the sea whip, giving Alina another amplifier to use, while you stayed behind on the ship, away from the danger.
Nikolai grew closer and closer to Alina as time went on, well after she learned who he actually was then punched him out of frustration. It was clear he was trying to create some sort of relationship with her, a type of alliance between the Ravkan royals and the living Saint.
Whilst Alina became closer with the prince, you started to form a bond with Mal. He was a bit hesitant about you at first, having a hand in keeping Nikolai’s identity a secret was a little hard to forgive, but he found you were a nice change from the air that Nikolai brought with him wherever he went.
“You spend practically every minute with him. You must find him insufferable.” Mal scoffs, watching Nikolai attempt to win over Alina.
It breaks your heart a little, watching him with her. It almost feels like you’ve been pushed to the side in his life. What was once a life long friendship has now turned into a mere partnership. He’s replaced you in his heart with a new Grisha, one much more powerful than you.
“No.” You shake your head. “His company means the world to me.” You tell Mal, quiet enough so he’s the only one that hears you. “You know what that’s like though. To spend so much of your life with someone that you form what you think is an unbreakable bond with one another.”
He gives you a sympathetic smile. He feels the same way. He knows Alina loves him, he’s sure of it, but like you, he fears that something could pull her away from him.
Being back in the palace separates you even more from Nikolai. Instead of sharing a room with him, you now occupy a room at the other end of a hallway from him. You both long for one another in the quiet night. His room is far too empty, and his bed far too large for just himself.
You think that maybe he’ll ask you to stay with him, like on the Volkvony. That you’ll share a space with him again and you’ll have that little bit of peace you once shared. But he never comes to your door, and you never go to his.
Nikolai doesn’t fail to notice your relationship with Mal starting to grow. While you once sat by his side during meals, Alina now occupies your seat, and you sit with Mal, laughing with each other about something only the two of you can hear.
He feels something in his chest, a sharp pain to his heart. This is something even you, the best healer he’s ever known, couldn’t fix.
You feel the same pain when he announces his engagement to the sun summoner. Unlike Nikolai, it takes a moment. He announces it at dinner, while the First and Second armies are gathered together, that their marriage will help heal Ravka. You’re frozen, too shocked to move. It’s Mal that pulls you back to reality, his hand on yours.
You feel the pain in your chest, a twisting sensation in your stomach, as you turn away from Mal to look back at Nikolai. He’s looking around at the cheering soldiers, but his eyes catch yours for a moment. He sees the red that begins to outline them, and the tears welling up. He looks like he might go to you, to assure you that you have his heart, and not Alina. But he straightens himself out, then sits back down.
He desperately wants to follow you as you quickly exit the room, no doubt heading back to yours. He wants to chase you down the halls, to wrap you up in his arms and wipe away the tears he’s the cause of, to whisper words of love against your lips. But he can’t. He must marry Alina for the sake of his country.
He keeps an eye on you at the engagement party his mother threw for him. You’re talking with other Grisha. You look breathtaking. The only thing missing from your ensemble is the Lantsov emerald. You don’t spare him one glance at all that night. That is, until chaos ensues.
Shadow monsters destroy everything in sight, and take the lives of so many. You search for Nikolai in the bustling crowd, but a hand grabs your arm, pulling you away. Zoya drags you away from the scene before you, tugging you through numerous hallways.
She leads you to a series of tunnels underground, all while you try to pull away from her.
“You won’t be of any use if you die trying to save the prince.” She grumbles at you. “You’re one of the few healers here, and we’re going to need all the help we can get.”
You hate to admit it, but as usual she’s right. There are dozens injured, some worse than others. You’re about to get to work when someone calls out your name.
You look down to the other end of the hall to see Nikolai. He looks fine, no visible injuries, but he does look distraught. He practically sprints to you, and pulls you into a tight hug.
“I couldn’t find you. You weren’t there, and I thought-”
“I’m fine, I’m fine Nik.” You pull away just enough to be able to look him in the eyes.
His scan over you, searching for injuries, until you lift his chin so he’s looking at your face again.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
He nods and takes a deep breath.
“Besides, shouldn’t I be the one worried about you? I am your healer after all.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Right.”
Alina pulls Nikolai away, asking if he’d seen Mal anywhere. You take that as your cue to leave. You start going from person to person, helping heal them in any way you can.
When it comes time to make a plan for Ravka’s next move, and Nikolai and Alina suggest finding the Neshyenyer, your mind starts to wonder. He’s sending Tolya and Zoya to go to Ketterdam and recruit the Crows to find it.
You think selfishly for a moment. It would be a way to get away from the soon to be king and queen of Ravka. A way to alleviate your heart of the pain you feel when you’re around them.
“I’d like to accompany Tolya and Zoya.” You tell him.
He looks surprised to say the least. “Why?”
“Well, there will be seven people looking for a mystical weapon, danger is bound to arise, they may need a healer.” You attempt to convince yourself and him that this is the reason you’d like to go.
“No. You’ll stay here.” He shakes his head. He can’t fathom so much space between you. “You’re my healer.” He puts emphasis on the word my, you don’t know if he notices it, but you do.
You listen intently for his heartbeat. It’s pace slowly accelerates as he starts to pace around the room.
You step in front of him, blocking his continuous path, and take his hands in yours. He closes his eyes, relishing in the feeling of having you so near. He leans his forehead against yours.
“I think we both know, I am yours no more sobachka.” You murmur.
He shakes his head and opens his eyes. You can see tears slowly start to build up. “If you insist that you must go, take this.” He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out his gold compass. “So you can always find your way back home.” Back to me.
The trip to Shu Han was definitely an eventful one. Tolya kept a watchful eye on you after being told explicitly by Nikolai to protect you at all costs. The Crows were an eclectic bunch, no one quite like the other.
Seeing Nina again was nice. She was still the same witty friend you remembered her to be.
“What? The prince let you off your leash?” She laughs when she first sees you.
“The king.” Zoya corrects her.
“Yes, he’s tending to his country, and his soon to be wife at the moment.” You tell her.
Her face falls slightly as she looks between you and Zoya. “Oh. My apologies, I didn’t-”
“It’s alright Nina. I’m really here to help forget about him.” You lower your voice. “Besides, he was never mine to lose.”
You stayed with Tolya through the heist, getting nearly killed by poisonous gas, and choking down a butterfly to save yourself.
Other than the poison slowly making its way through your body, the gas didn’t harm you physically. It lulled you to sleep, pulling you into a sweet dream.
You were with Nikolai, of course, in the palace. Light shone into his room from the large window, making the gold in his unkempt hair shine. His arms were wrapped tightly around you as you both lay the soft sheets of his bed.
“Hello my love.” His voice is deep, still strained from sleep.
“Moi tsar-”
He nuzzles his face into the crook of you neck, pressing soft kisses against the column of your throat. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that.” You can feel him smiling against you.
“Pirate Prince then.” You smirk.
He scoffs, then pulls away from his assault on your neck to look at you. “I wish we could stay like this forever.” He says, moving to cup your face with one of his hands.
You reach a hand up onto his bare chest, just over his heart. You listen, searching for the all too familiar rhythm, but you don’t hear anything. You give him a sad smile and shake your head. “Me too Nik. But I know this isn’t real.”
He pouts. “Promise me you’ll come back. Back to the palace. That you won’t find a new life in Shu Han, or Ketterdam.”
You know he isn’t real, that he isn’t actually asking you to come home to him, that it’s just what you wish he’d do. Even so, you press a kiss to his cheek.
“I promise.”
You wake with a burning sensation in your throat, in the dark temple. Tolya and the Crows are with you, some in a coughing fit, others completely silent.
Tolya comes over to you, and rests a hand on your shoulder. “Are you alright?”
You nod. “Yeah, I’m alright.”
His eyes scan your face. “What did you see?”
You know he can hear your heartbeat spike. He glances down at your hand as you subconsciously reach for the compass that hangs around your neck, hidden under you clothes. You know you won’t get away with lying to him, but you do it anyways. “Nothing.”
You’re grateful that he doesn’t push for an answer.
After retrieving the blade, you all head back to Ravka together. The Fold has now expanded, nearly covering the entirety of the Spinning Wheel.
“Stay with Zoya.” Tolya tells you. “You’ll be able to help Alina.”
Your heart yearns to go with the other group, to find Nikolai, but you know saving the sun summoner takes precedence over anything at the moment.
“I’m sure he’ll be okay.” Nina tries to assure you. “He was always headstrong.”
Kaz glances at you as you wring your hands, about to follow Zoya, Nina, and Inej.
“Y/n.” He calls to you. He walks over to you and speaks lowly. “Watch over my wraith, and I’ll keep an eye on your king.”
You give him a grateful smile. “Thank you.”
The journey into the Fold was terrifying. You kept yourself as silent as possible as the four of you searched for Alina. She and Mal were near the edge of the fold, fighting what looked to be a volcra. It had a hold of Alina’s hair, pulling her further into the darkness.
Inej slashed the monster with the Neshyenyer, killing it. They both looked grateful to see your little group.
“We need to get further into the Fold to destroy it.” Alina nods her head towards what looks to be nothing but pitch black.
You check over Alina for any injuries as you head further into the darkness. You heal any small cuts or scrapes you find on her, quietly watching her skin mend back together.
“There. In perfect condition to destroy the Fold and save Ravka.”
She snorts out a laugh. “No pressure, right?” She creates a small bundle of light in her hand and stares at it.
You smile at her. You want to dislike her, but you can’t. The living Saint who has stolen Nikolai’s attention from you is actually amiable. She’s kind, very brave, and willing to do anything to end this war.
“You’re going to make the perfect queen when this is all over.” You tell her.
She looks up at you and shakes her head. “I never wanted this. Nikolai thinks this engagement will strengthen Ravka, but I know my heart belongs to another.” She glances to Mal. “Just as his does too.” She turns back to you with a pointed look.
“What do you mean?”
“He doesn’t love me. I don’t think he could love anyone the way he loves you.”
“He doesn’t-”
“Oh, I assure you. He does.” She scoffs. “When I accepted his proposal I thought that maybe we could learn to love each other, but I see the way he looks at you. I hear the way he talks about you. I may be the sun summoner, but to him you’re the brightest. You’re the shining light in his life.”
You feel warmth spread across your face. Did Nikolai really feel that way about you?
“If we succeed today, the crown may be mine, but I promise you, the heart of the king will be yours.”
You understood just how strong shared love could be when you saw Alina light the fold. Combined with Mal’s power she was able to cast an immense light into the darkness. Flashes of gold and pink spread around you.
Kirigan arrived not long after, ready to fight Alina, but she was able to assail him. You rushed to Mal’s side when he collapsed, trying your hardest to help him. Kirigan had delivered a near fatal blow. In all your years of healing Nikolai, you’ve never had to heal something this large.
Alina falls to her knees next to you, taking his hand in hers. You do everything you can for him, focusing all of your power on keeping him alive.
Streaks of light flew from Alina. Reds, purples, and golds flashed through the sky, breaking apart the Fold. She takes a dagger from Mal’s side, and plunges it into his chest, screaming out as bright blue lights surrounds you. You shield your eyes, but can still see the blue behind your eyelids.
When you open your eyes again, the Fold has dissipated.
“Can you heal him?” Alina asks you, with tears down her cheeks.
“I’ll try.” You nod at her, then turn your attention back to the now unconscious boy.
Kirigan slowly rises up, and walks towards you. Alina stands up, taking a protective step in front of you and Mal.
“Now, you know sacrifice.”
“Beyond anything you’ve ever known.” Alina tilts her head up at him. “And look what it did.”
“Indeed. Look what it did.”
You try to start Mal’s heart again, but can’t seem to get it. Nina kneels down next to you, lifting her hand to his chest.
“I’ll get his heart started again. You focus on the wound.”
You take a deep breath, then pull the knife out of him, quickly moving your hands to sew his skin back together.
You’re so focused on saving Mal, that you don’t realize Alina has knelt down next to you again.
“He’s putting up a good fight, this one. Like something’s holding him on the other side. Give him a reminder then, of what matters over here.” Nina tells her.
After a few moments Mal wakes up, gasping for air. You sigh in relief, leaning back to check over the rest of the group. Inej and Zoya are both unharmed, staring down at Kirigan’s body.
Zoya stays with the body, while the other five of you start the hike back to the Spinning Wheel. Your spirits lift as you get closer and closer, and enter through one of the walls.
There are bodies strewn about on the ground, and groups of people gathered with hushed conversations. Their attention all turns towards your group as you enter though. Most of them are watching Alina, giving her silent thanks for finally destroying the Fold. Kaz’s eyes are locked on Inej, only briefly scanning over her, before he looks to you and gives you a slight nod.
You look past him to see Nikolai sitting with Tolya and Tamar. He’s got blood smeared on the side of his head, and he struggles to rise to his feet. He can’t seem to take his eyes off you, slowly limping in your direction. You rush to him, holding his waist with one hand, and the other pressed against his chest.
“Nik, what happened? I leave you alone for a few days and you nearly get yourself killed.” Your words are teasing, but your tone doesn’t quite match.
“I’m okay.” He smiles at you.
“Let’s go sit down so I can heal you, alright?” You guide him away from the group to a more private area. He sits down on a crate, groaning at the pain in his leg.
You heal his leg, then sit next to him, with your hand hovering over the wound on his head. He’ll have to wash the dried blood off, but you’ve closed the wound.
His eyes wander over your face as you heal him. He feels whole, complete with you here next to him.
“I should go see if anyone else needs any help.” You say quietly, rising to your feet.
He grabs your hand in his, softly pulling you down next to him again. “Allow me to be selfish for a moment, and keep you here all for myself.”
You reach into your top, and pull the compass out from underneath it. You lift the chain up over your head and hold it out for him.
“It seems you need it more than I do.”
“No.” He closes your hands over it. “It kept you safe. And it brought you back to me.” He whispers.
His eyes glance down at your lips, then back into your eyes. It looks like he’s having an internal battle with himself. A battle that only ends when he leans forward and brushes his lips against yours. You lift your hands to his shoulders to steady yourself. He pulls you closer to him, deepening the kiss.
Everything comes rushing back to you in that moment. You softly push him away, breaking the kiss, and turn your head from him.
“What? What’s wrong?” He asks, reaching for your hand again.
You pull your hand away from his reach quickly. “This isn’t right Nikolai.” You stand up and take a step away from him. “We can’t do this, not when you’re engaged to Alina. I can’t-”
He’s quick to get up and move to stand in front of you. “Y/n, I assure you, my heart belongs to you.”
“You can’t say that Nikolai. You can’t just play around with my feelings.” You shake your head and wipe away the tears started to form in your eyes.
“Play with your feelings? Are you really so oblivious?” He scoffs. He takes your hands and holds them to his chest. “Listen to my heart. Hear the way it beats for you, just for you.” He takes a tentative step closer, so close to you that his nose brushes against the tip of yours. “It hurts, just how much I ache for you.”
“But Alina-”
“Was just a political move. I thought that an alliance with the sun summoner would strengthen Ravka.” He takes a deep breath. “But a marriage with her wouldn’t mean anything to me, not when I could’ve had you.”
“Nik…” You trail off, attempting to gather your thoughts.
He lets go of your hands, and moves to hold your face. “Tell me to leave. Tell me you never want to see me again, that you’re going to leave and live in Ketterdam, and I promise you, you won’t ever have to deal with me ever again.”
You can’t fathom doing any of that.
“Or, tell me that you’ll stay here with me, and that we’ll work this out. Tell me that you feel the same way I do. Because I will find a way to rule Ravka with you by my side, I swear to you.”
A smile starts to spread across your face. “You always have been stubborn sobachka.”
Before he can retort you pull him into a kiss, sealing your own promise to him, that your heart does in fact belong to him.
2K notes · View notes
kasagia · 10 months
Text
My love will never die
Pairing: Aleksander Morozova/General Kirigan/The Darkling x moon summoner! reader Summary: You knew Aleksander before he was a Black Heretic, a foldmaker. You married him and promised to be by his side through thick and thin. And you never, ever regretted your choice. However, one day, your paths parted in an unfortunate way, and you both believed that the love of your lives was gone forever. After many centuries, you meet again with a man very similar to your Aleksander. And you start to wonder... maybe your love never die after all? Warning(s): ANGST, de@th mention, the reader yearns for Aleksander, and Aleksander yearns for the reader :c I USED FRAGMENT OF THE SONG "Jeg Saler Min Ganger" FROM THE SERIES "LOKI" Nonsense from me: So this is request from @morrigan-crowmwell Thank you so much, I was super excited to write this! I hope this is more or less what you asked for and that you like it.♡♡ I'm sorry it took me soooo long! ♡♡ Word count: 13k
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"Aleksander Morozova! You'll be late to meet your mother!" you squealed as he stole another long kiss from you. "We don't have time for this, Sasha." you moaned, when he moved his lips to your sensitive neck.
"Nonsense… I always have time to properly say goodbye to my wife before I leave." he murmured against your skin, sucking on your weak spot behind your ear. He smiled slyly, hearing the sweet moan coming from your red lips, swollen from kissing.
Saints, he could stay in your arms for the rest of eternity.
"As much as your wife loves your goodbyes, she'd rather her mother-in-law didn't wander in the middle of one, looking for her spoiled son."
"This is how you say goodbye to your husband, lapushka? Calling him spoiled and hurting his feelings?" he asked indignantly, hovering over his beautiful wife and looking at her intently. He wanted to burn the view below him into his mind until he was back in her arms again.
"I have been "goodbye-ing" you for three hours, Aleksander. Don't you think that's enough for a 4 day trip?"
"I need at least one more hour to enjoy you." he murmured, placing more kisses on your already-marked neck.
"If Baghra finds us…" you moaned as he bit your neck gently, effectively silencing you, and got out of your head all the reasons why he should go now.
"It would be helpful if you would stop thinking about my mother while I try to kiss every inch of your gorgeous skin. Besides, don't worry about her. She likes you—sometimes even more than her own son, I have to admit. If anything, she'll blame me."
"Don't worry, sobachka (puppy), you'll always be my favourite." you smirked, flipping him onto the mattress of your bed and straddling him, marking his skin with your lips, making sure you'd give him back the same favour.
"I thought we didn't have time for this?" he purred meanly, pleased with your attention.
"Shut up and kiss me, Sasha." you demanded with an equally malicious gleam in your eyes, knowing full well how this would end. Bagra was right. You had him wrapped around your little finger. Which was good considering how many female Grishas wanted to catch his eye.
"As you wish, milaya." without a second's hesitation, he grabbed your cheek and pulled you into a kiss, pinning you back under him on the mattress.
Disappointment, as usual, overtook you after waking up from this beautiful dream. During those few centuries, flashbacks about HIM only became more frequent. Someone should hang that fool who said time heals all wounds. In your case, it only made it worse.
You'd give anything to go back a few hundred years and not let him go alone with his mother on this trip. You didn't even remember why they went to Aleksander's sister.
You had a vague memory of that day, only remembering the morning with your husband and the fragments of the Fjerdans' attack on your village.
But the moment you found out you were a moon summoner will forever be etched deep in your memories.
You helped your best friend's family and herself escape when the men attacked you. You defended yourself using all the tricks and attacks Alexander had taught you, but it wasn't enough against a band of trained soldiers.
Just as he was about to slash his sword at you, you felt heat radiating deep from your chest. You screamed, falling to your knees as light began to emit from you, blinding some soldiers and killing those close to you. The first time you've used the cut and your power.
You escaped with your friend and her brother - the last survivors, and hid in the city, pretending to be siblings who managed to survive the great fire caused by Grisha.
It was hard to pretend to hate your own people and even harder to hide your new powers. But the hardest thing was going through all this without Aleksander by your side.
You tried to contact him, search in every possible way. But the world was different back then. Your attempts in advance were doomed to failure. And you knew it. But your stupid heart made you search for your husband until the end.
And you did. Until the news of the Black Heretic, the shadow summoner, who died while creating the fold, spread across the world.
You mourned Aleksander for a long time. Your life went on, but the wound of losing your husband never healed. And you knew it wouldn't. He was your great, true love. Your end game. It was impossible to let him go, to make place in your heart for someone new.
Time passed, and everything around you slowly changed. Except you. Your friends got old, grey, and wrinkled. And you remained the same as those decades ago. Then you discovered your second curse. You were immortal.
You and Aleksander could have lived together forever if not for Shu Han's and Fjerda's people.
It was the time when you vowed to finish Aleksander's work at any cost. His sacrifice will not be in vain. You were supposed to build a Ravka safe for the Grishas. All you needed was a sun and shadow summoner.
So you waited. At any sign of the sun summoner's presence. You knew Aleksander's lineage was fine. People often spoke of the descendants of the Black Heretic. You've never come close to them. You didn't want to relive the pain that would be associated with being with a member of his family. Aleksander had no children, but his sister probably did; maybe even Baghra found someone - you weren't sure about the old woman's fate.
The past centuries have not been kind to you. But this month was fruitful in terms of good news. The sun summoner has been found, the king of Ravka was ill, and your men were on the trail of Morozova's deer.
And that's how you were on your way to meet Alina Starkov and the descendant of the Morozovas, General Kirigan.
You were supposed to change the world together - in memory of your Aleksander.
~•♤♤♤•~
Aleksander had never been in such a hurry to get home before.
He was so desperate to have you in his arms again that he even ignored all of his mother's taunts, remarks, and other snide comments. All that mattered to him now was coming home to you.
That's why he bravely endured his mother's teasing remarks as they rode horseback towards your cottage.
He was excited, only moments away from returning to the love of his life.
He missed you more than he dared admit to anyone. And he was a little ashamed of how an ordinary woman without Grisha's powers, like you, could have such power over him.
NO. You were not ordinary. You were his wife, friend, lover, support, rock, asylum, home. The only one to whom he entrusted his heart and soul voluntarily and without the slightest hesitation.
And with this gift his sister gave him, Aleksander will make sure you stay with him forever. That you'll live as long as he does. Neither of them, nor he, Baghra, nor his sister knew if this "gift" would work.
But Aleksander would be damned if he didn't try to keep you in his arms forever.
It didn't matter how many times he failed, trying to make you his equal, trying to turn you into a Grisha with similar powers to his. He was ready to do everything for you.
Aleksander sped up seeing your house. In his haste, he didn't even notice that he had lost his mother and that the scenery around him seemed to be getting darker and more frightening.
He practically leapt off his horse and raced to the door, opening it and rushing inside as fast as he could.
"Y/N?! Sweetheart, I'm home!" he shouted, expecting that as soon as you heard his voice, you would come running, throwing yourself into his arms.
But he was greeted by nothing but a terrible, deadly silence.
The scattered things in the corridor made him slightly anxious, but he dismissed his dark thoughts by saying that you were a little mess. However, after he still didn't hear any response from you, he started to worry.
He entered the living room only to find shattered furniture, an overturned bookshelf, and a broken window.
He panicked. He went mad with fear, screaming your name and running around the house like crazy, looking for you or any clues to where you might have run away.
His heart stopped when he found your battered body under an overturned wardrobe.
In the blink of an eye, he got you out from under the furniture and took you in his arms, trying to bring you back to consciousness.
"Y/N, please, Y/N, open your eyes! You can't leave me, not like that! Y/N! My sweet wife, my heart, please open your eyes!" he was shaking you in panic, begging all the saints to prove his dark suppositions wrong.
"Aleksander?" your quiet, tearful whisper both relieved him and broke his heart.
You lived. He hasn't lost you yet.
NO.
He couldn't lose you. He has to take you to the healer.
"Yes, love, it's me. Everything is fine now. I got you. Just stay with me until I get a help."
"You promised to protect me... why didn't you protect me, Aleksander? Have you stopped loving me?" your desperate whimper tore his soul in half. He began to shake all over, despising the feeling of helplessness and distress that had completely taken over him.
"What? No, I'll always love only you..." he felt your body suddenly go limp in his arms. He gripped your shoulders even tighter, shaking you in his panic attack. "Y/N? Y/N?! Y/N open your eyes! Y/N no! Don't leave me! Darling, no!" he screamed desperately in pain, burying his head in your hair and crying as he knelt on the floor and rocked with your cold body in his arms.
~•♤♤♤•~
Aleksander sprang from his bed.
The general was breathing fast, trying to calm himself after another nightmare involving you.
His beautiful wife. His epic love.
For hundreds of years, the day he lost the only love of his life played out in his nightmares in different ways. This time, his subconscious was kind enough to let him talk to you for a while. Usually, he finds your body either impaled or dismembered. He never managed to save you. With none of those dreams.
His dreams might have macabred the events of that day, but he had never, in all those hundreds of years of his life, forgotten what really happened. He has not forgotten the grief, anger, sadness, and despair that overcame him when he and Baghra found their village burned to the ground without any trace of you.
Despite his search, he still didn't know what really happened to you, and he doubted he'd ever find out the truth. If all this had happened a few years later, if he hadn't been a boy just discovering the true power growing within him then, but the man he is now, you'd never despair like that. You'd never leave him to mourn over the future you two could have if only he was more powerful.
He was trying to fool himself. Telling himself that if you survived, you would have lived a much better life than you'd lived with him by your side. What could he have given you, then? An uncertain future, living in hiding, being hunted by the king's men? You were worth much more. You were worth all the jewels and treasures of this land, safety, peace, family, and happiness. Aleksander couldn't give you that. Not then.
He couldn't remember how many sleepless nights he'd spent wishing he could meet you now, to have you by his side, when he was this powerful man who could look after you properly, who would throw the world at your feet or burn it to the ground, depending on your humour.
But every time the sun came up and he had to continue playing his new role, the bitter reality made him realise that he would never have you again. He will never feel your soft skin under his fingers again, never lose himself in those beautiful, mesmerising irises, never run his hand through your hair, never take in your wonderful, intoxicating scent, and never taste your alluring, feisty lips again.
He was alone. And he will be until the end.
Until he widens the fold and makes sure no more Grisha dies at the hands of common otkazat'sya. That none of his people will repeat your fate.
He was supposed to change the world - in memory of his Y/N.
And then, maybe fate will be kind enough to reunite him with his beloved wife on the other side.
~•♤♤♤•~
Alina Starkov was a pain in the ass.
It took the girl only 15 minutes to run away from Kirigan's Grishas and get herself into trouble. She has damn luck that you decided to follow her and rescue her sunny ass.
You disappeared as soon as you made eye contact with her after you burned the Fjerdans with your pale, white light.
You wandered through the forest, cursing under your breath at the carelessness of both sun and shadow summoners. You didn't know which was worse, the impetuous girl or the thoughtless general who just let her get away.
With helpers like that, you'll have to work twice as hard to make the fold bigger. Fate really had no mercy on you.
You stood by the river, sighing in relief as you washed the blood from your face with cold water.
Your moment of peace didn't last long, however. You sensed an additional presence—someone creeping towards you. You took out one of your daggers and braced yourself for an attack.
But the moment you turned to face your opponent, you froze.
Aleksander...
He was standing in front of you. In a black kefta, a man so like your husband that just looking at him hurts you more than any blade could. This gaze, this face, were hunting you each night, every time you closed your eyes. And now he was standing right before you.
And the worst of it all was that it wasn't your Aleksander.
Only his descendant looking just like him. A shell that resembles the only man you've ever loved.
In your rage, you attacked him first, taking out your anger on him for the saints for continuing to play you mercilessly by putting your husband's doppelgänger in your way.
But Kirigan did not give up so easily. As soon as you moved towards him, he too snapped out of his strange daze and drew his dagger as well. The clang of metal echoed across the clearing as you both tried to find the other's weak spot. Oddly enough, you both did it at the same time.
"Put that down and I'll consider whether or not to spare your life." he growled, holding your arm in a tight grip as he felt your nails digging through the skin on his hand.
"Femoral artery. You'll bleed out faster than me." you replied with a malicious smirk, ignoring his threats.
"Who are you?"
"My mother taught me better than to make friends with the stranger freak in the forest, sir. Especially when they have a dagger dangerously close to my back." you kicked him, pushing him away from you, and attacked again. The clanking of steel against each other echoed across the clearing as your daggers met halfway. You growled in frustration, pushing him away.
"Your mother should teach you not to attack everyone you meet. You may encounter someone much stronger than you." Kirigan recovered faster this time, storming at you.
You ended up in a rather uncomfortable position as you held the steel against his heart and he wrapped his arm halfway around you, pulling you close. You didn't know if you were more dissatisfied with the metal digging into your chest or with his hands on you.
"And yours that you shouldn't raise a hand against a woman. I guess they both failed."
Did you both just say the exact same thing when you first met your husband? Yes.
Will he get lenient treatment from you just because he looks like your Aleksander? Absolutely fucking no.
Taking advantage of his moment of inattention as he stared at you distractedly, you pulled out the second hidden dagger and placed it against his neck. You tried to push his hand away from you, but the man, feeling the extra-cold blade against his skin, woke up from his trance and grabbed your left hand aggressively.
He moved your blade away from his neck and pinned you to the tree, slamming your left hand hard against the trunk, making the weapon fly out of your hand and bury itself in the ground near his foot.
Kirigan pressed his dagger to your side, leaning closer to you. He stared intently into your eyes, and for a brief moment you saw longing flicker in his dark eyes, which then gave way to rage and frustration, equal to the one that exploded inside you the moment you saw him. The moment you noticed that saints still played cruel with you by creating someone so damn similar to your husband.
He has no right to have the same face and eyes as your lost love.
"What. Are. You?" he asked, pausing on each word to intimidate you and bring his face closer to yours. But you didn't care much. You have hundreds of years; nothing, especially the doppelgänger of the man you love, could scare you.
You stared at each other with hostile eyes, and for some reason (other than your dagger at his thigh), he had some sort of hatred for you as well. So much so that he didn't notice how your powers reached for each other where your skin touched.
Strangely, it felt familiar to you. HE felt familiar.
You stared into each other's eyes as you unknowingly leaned in closer. You were about to try to break free from his grip when a sudden snap of branches caught your attention.
"That's you! She saved me from the Frejdans, sir." Alina's voice pulled him out of this strange moment between you two.
You wanted to find a sun summoner. You spent several hundred years on this, but the girl had hellishly bad timing.
Kirigan moved away from you, but you both continued to aim your daggers at each other, not trusting each other for a moment. Even though Alina just admitted that you saved her life.
"Why did you do that?"
"Someone so powerful like you should recognise when they stand before their equal, general Kirigan." you sneered, glancing for a moment at the woman standing next to both of you. Fortunately, nothing happened to her. She had a few scratches, but nothing that even the most ordinary medic couldn't heal.
"And how exactly are we equal?"
You smirked mischievously as you slipped the dagger into your sheath.
You linked your hands, focusing on the warm feeling of your light coursing through your veins, and without taking your eyes off the general's, you pulled them apart, revealing a thread of white light. You spread your arms wider, causing the rays to illuminate the clearing around you.
They both stared at you in amazement as your light turned into stars, which then arranged themselves into constellations. Figures of saints ran around you until you flicked your wrist to make them disappear.
"Melinoe Petrova. Moon Summoner. I think the three of us are going to change the world together."
You watched the speechless Alina with satisfaction, but your smile faded as you shifted your gaze to Kirigan. You had some difficulty reading him, but even more so understanding the longing in his eyes.
It seems your problems with a shadowman have only just begun…
~•♤♤♤•~
Kirigan didn't trust you.
You weren't surprised by it, but you hoped it would be easier for you to manipulate him. Apparently, the descendant of Aleksander inherited family cunning and distrust.
It's been a month since your little encounter (and fight) in the woods. In the meantime, you've been living in the Little Palace with the other Grishas; you met the king and got your own fancy kefta.
Black kefta. With moons, stars, and so on.
You wouldn't care about the colour of the fabric if it didn't turn out that only Kirigan wore one. Bloody Alina was the first to find Genya and get herself a blue one. So you stayed in your black kefta, pretending the general wasn't trying to mark you as his property.
But the son of a bitch liked your look in his colours too much for you to accept it.
It didn't help that he was too much like your Aleksander, either. Many times you've held back from taunting, making snide comments, or yelling at him just because those fucking dark eyes looked at you, taking you back hundreds of years to the time when HE was by your side and looked at you like that.
The similarity between them was not only in appearance. They had a lot in common when it came to character traits. Stubborn, mischievous, prescient, well-read... sometimes, when you spent too much time in his war room, you found yourself thinking of him as your Aleksander.
So slowly, despite all your self-loathing, you fell in love with the general.
That's why you were hiding from him in the library, hoping Alina, Zoya, or anyone else would keep him busy tonight enough to forget that you were supposed to meet him after dinner.
You had to suppress that stupid feeling. He was not Aleksander. He was just your husband's doppelgänger. Just a shell of your lover.
"Mel? Are you okey?" Alina's soft, concerned whisper snapped you out of your thoughts.
"I'm fine. Another nightmare?" you asked, patting the space next to you and opening the edge of the blanket for the girl to sit with you.
Your beginnings with Alina were not colourful; the sunny girl irritated you and could easily throw you off balance. But as time passed, you became friends to the point where you comforted her after her nightmares about the fold and the deaths of her loved ones. Sometimes you would read her old Ravkan fairy tales or sneak into the kitchen for hidden sweets. In more critical situations, you would drag her outside to the gardens, where you would sit on the pier by the lake, watching it gleam in the moonlight.
In a way, you too found solace in comforting the girl. It was nice to have company after being alone for so long. Fighting your past, which was showing up in your dreams, was easier with a ray of sunshine by your side.
"No. This time I can't sleep."
"Are you bothered by overly comfortable pillows, or maybe our princess felt a pea under the mattress?" Alina snorted, shaking her head. It took her some time to realise that your sarcastic remarks were not intended to offend her but merely to make her laugh.
"I'm thinking about Mal."
"Oh yeah… your boyfriend and childhood friend, what's up with him?" you asked, slamming the book shut to turn all your attention to the black-haired girl.
"He's not my boyfriend. We are only friends." she murmured, blushing, obviously awkward at your apt comment.
"Sunshine, I can recognise the face and eyes of a woman in love. You can't hide your feelings from me."
"Well, you're not the only one with this gift. Kirigan also gives you an infatuated man's look. Don't deny it! Even Ivan can see it. I think that already half of the second army knows about their general's fondness for the moon summoner." she teased you with a cocky smirk on her face. You rolled your eyes, returning your attention to your book.
"Please, half of the Grishas look at me like that."
You knew what Alina meant. Kirigan looked to you as the solution to his fold problems - as did the other Grishas. Little did they know that instead of being their saviour, you gonna be their worst nightmare... a White Heretic.
"No, not in that way. They look at you, at us, as saints, as saviours who can destroy the fold. He admires you, not your power. And judging by the fact that you're still wearing a black kefta, he's not indifferent to you either."
You inadvertently snuggled deeper into the black material. Alina was partly right; maybe you didn't want to get involved in any romance, but it would definitely be easier to manipulate the general who is infatuated with you. You could have taken advantage of the fact that seeing you in his colours put him in a strangely pleasant mood. You've used your black clothes more than once as a weapon in your negotiations with the dark general.
"I have a black kefta because some irritatingly fast sun summoner found Genya first and got herself a dark blue one. You didn't leave me much choice, Alina."
"How sorry I am for that. By the way, Kirigan asked about you. He waits in his chambers, longing to finally see you after you've been ruthlessly ignoring him all day."
"I'm not done with you, Starkov!" you shouted after her, but the girl was already at the door, sticking her tongue out at you.
"See you in the morning, Petrova! You will tell me about your meeting with the General." she said as she walked away, slamming the library door.
"That little bitch." you muttered under your breath, wondering if you should go. You could have lied to him and said that you didn't meet Alina and forgot about your meeting. You only doubted the sun summoner's loyalty to you...
However, you started gathering your things, knowing full well that you would have to leave the library anyway.
You frowned as you heard soft footsteps behind you that probably no normal human would have heard… at least not one who hadn't lived at least a hundred years of hiding and running.
"Ivan." you greeted him without turning to face him. The man stopped, obviously surprised that you sensed his presence. However, he quickly returned to his unemotional mode.
"Miss Petrova. The General requests your presence in the war room."
"I was on my way." you replied, knowing full well that the man knew the truth. More than once, he chased you around the Little Palace at the general's behest. Fortunately, he had enough sense in his head not to make Kirigan aware that your memory was reliable and you didn't meet him only out of your own reluctance (actually, a huge desire to see him). "Alina just told me he wants to see me."
Ivan nodded and waited for you to escort you to the war room.
~•♤♤♤•~
Considering the fact that you were a regular visitor to Kirigan's war room, you should know the way to his chambers. But each time, you seemed to take a completely different route than the last time.
Ivan had to repay your elusiveness by making the longest trips to the general's room.
But this time, heartrender quickly dropped you off at his general's door and, wishing you good night, disappeared into one of the corridors.
You sighed, not wanting to face your growing infatuation and subsequent attempts to manipulate the general into carrying out your plans today.
You opened the door, entering the "vestibule". You pricked up your ears as you heard Kirigan talking to someone very familiar. Zoya.
"You used to call on me. On times like this. Your table wasn't messy, and in bed, it was me instead of these books. I can help you make it all right. Just let yourself relax." without knowing why, you wanted to go in there and interrupt whatever plan she had to seduce him. And not because you felt jealousy eating you up inside. You were supposed to be the one to lead him by the nose to do whatever you wanted. Not that windy bitch who was ruining your plan.
"I shall relax when my moon summoner comes here to help me with this. With her by my side, you don't need to worry about me anymore. I'm with the perfect helper." you chuckled internally, wanting so much to see the look on her face after he had rejected her. You figured this would be the perfect time to step in.
"Am I disturbing?" you asked as you walked inside.
If Zoya was an inferni, the general's room would probably go up in flames at the sight of you. Kirigan, on the other hand, seemed very pleased to see you. His eyes were focused only on you. And your black nightgown, over which you threw on (also the black) kefta he ordered.
"Not at all. Zoya was about to leave a few minutes ago."
"General." he said. Kirigan did not even glare at her as she bowed to him. She walked past you, giving you a hostile look, which you only smirked at.
"Didn't you forget something?" Kirigan's sharp question broke the silence between the three of you. Zoya stood immobile, as if engraved. She stared at the general for a moment, then clenched her hands into fists and bowed to you.
"Miss Petrova." she growled, then stormed out of the war room, slamming the door.
"It wasn't necessary. You'll only infuriate her more by forcing her to show me respect." you said, turning to face the general, who was suddenly right behind you. He was the only one who could sneak up on you. A skill he used extensively.
"You're the moon summoner… you'll get all the respect you deserve. I'll make sure about it." he murmured, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.
"You can't make people do it. Respect is something that has to be earned, something that has no meaning if it is given involuntarily." his silence surprised you. He usually answered your words with 10 of his. But now he was staring at you silently, which didn't help your already fast-beating heart. "So what do we have on the agenda today, general? Arguments about whether we really need First Army soldiers or you don't know where Loavana is."
"I know where Loavana is. I was tired then, and besides, you were the one who turned the map and misled me."
"Of course, general." you snorted, smiling teasingly. You moved to the other side of the table, tactically increasing the distance between you. "So, did you summon me for any reason other than staring at my natural glow? Because honestly, I'm getting a little bored." you said as you sat down on the table and casually reached for one of the orders he had written.
"Always impatient." he muttered, suddenly appearing in front of you and gently taking the paper from your hand.
"Always too mysterious."
"This may surprise you, but I have other things on my mind than your natural glow, little moon."
"What a shame." you murmured, placing your hand over your heart in a hurt gesture. But you became serious when you saw him staring dully at the map. "What's bothering you?"
"The Fjerdans have moved closer to our border."
"How many?" you asked, jumping off the table and turning your full attention to the distressed general.
"Several branches. Enough to get our attention and attack one of our regiments." he replied, pouring himself a glass of liquor and handing you your own.
"We need to speed up Alina's training. Before all hell breaks loose and our great king orders our troops to be divided to fight the Fjerdans. The fold case must be finally closed. Before we go to another war. For now, we have to send some of our healers and additional troops there. If there are more of Grishas there, no Fjerdan will dare attack them. They will shift their attention to the soldiers of the first army, and this will no longer be a direct problem for us." you turned to him, confused by his silence. Kirigan stared at you with a gentle, tender smile on his face and a longing, dreamy look. The silence between the two of you and the gaze he was giving you embarrassed you. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? Did I say something wrong?"
"No." he grunted, shaking his head as he blushed slightly when you caught him staring. "I just... I was fighting this war alone for so long."
This was the moment. You had to cast your net over him, surround him at his most vulnerable, and make him fall for you.
But you forgot to guard your own heart in the process...
You grabbed his hand. Your powers combined as usual when your skin touched, causing you to be enveloped in the utter darkness of his shadows, with only the white light emanating from your joined hands illuminating your faces.
"You're not alone." you whispered, afraid to break the spell between you. Afraid that the moment your voice reaches him, those damn hypnotic eyes will tear away from yours. Afraid your mind is about to scold the stupid heart that beat for the man before you. A man who, for the sake of your sanity, was too much like the husband you loved.
"I've been waiting a long time for you." he replied just as quietly, afraid to break the sanctity of the moment. Afraid it was another of his cruel dreams where he would have your dead body in his arms again. But the reality was even more brutal for him. Because the woman who stood before him, the woman who looked exactly like his wife, wasn't her at all. And that didn't stop his cold, centuries-old heart from beating for her.
"Believe me, not as long as me." you whispered. Tears began to gather in his eyes, threatening to spill out as he raised his other trembling hand and cupped your cheek. The feel of his cold hand on your face made you realise what you were doing. He was not Aleksander. He wasn't yours. And you will never be his. "I think I should go." you grunted, stepping away from him.
His shadows returned to him, as did your light. Everything has returned to normal. Except for the frantic beating of the hearts of the two of you.
"Don't forget about tomorrow's ball. We're supposed to put on a little show for the king and his nobility."
"How could I forget that we're supposed to be circus monkeys tomorrow?" you asked with a pugnacious smirk, to which he just shook his head in amusement.
"Don't let anyone else hear it. I don't want to visit you in a dungeon… however tempting you look in chains." his bold suggestion shocked you, but you decided to play on without giving him a chance to have the last word. You walked over to him and, ignoring his intense gaze, whispered in his ear with your lips brushing his earlobe.
"I'm not that easy to put in chains, general." you brushed his cheek with yours and disappeared from the war room at the speed of light.
It was something you could do. Game, flirt, chase, challenge—all kept away from any emotion other than lust. It was a game. Manipulation game. And you were going to win it. For your Aleksander and other Grishas.
~•♤♤♤•~
Your dress was so beautiful and wonderful. You admire Genya's skills, but what she did for you this time was indescribable.
With trembling hands, you smoothed the fabric of the dress around your waist, admiring the intricate embroidery of the constellations. The white and silver threads shone in the candlelight like real stars on your dark blue dress.
You didn't like getting dressed up, getting your hair up in a fancy hairstyle, or wearing those uncomfortable ball gowns. In fact, you've only worn formal clothes a few times in your life. But only twice did you feel like a true goddess, a queen. Today and on your wedding day.
"Who put that veil on you?" Baghra's grumpy tone snapped you out of your thoughts as you looked at yourself in the mirror. You had a lovely dress, even considering that neither you nor Aleksander and his mother had as much money compared to other families. But it didn't matter. Not for you. The most important was Alexander and you. And not the judgmental looks of other people. It was your day and no one could ruin it for you.
"Myself. Something's wrong?"
The woman sighed as she walked over to you and unfastened it with unusual delicacy for her, mumbling something about your blindness as she adjusted your crooked veil.
"Now. You look almost properly. You're missing one thing."
"Which is?"
She reached into the pouch strapped to her side and pulled out something shiny. She gestured for you to turn towards the mirror. You did it while watching a woman put the most beautiful necklace you've ever seen around your neck.
"Bagra is… it's wonderful. I can't…"
"Yes, you can. And you will be. I won't let that old hag gossip about my daughter looking like a poor peasant on her wedding day."
"Thank you." you whispered in a shaky voice, more concerned that the woman called you her daughter than the ridiculously expensive and beautiful necklace.
"Come on. Don't cry, or you'll turn red and scare everyone, including my son. You'd better hurry up. The boy is about to have a heart attack if you're another minute late. If it wasn't for Ulla, he would have run here 10 minutes ago."
"Did she manage to come?" you asked as she took your arm with the obvious intention of walking you down the aisle.
"Of course. That's my daughter. She wouldn't waste the opportunity to tease her crazy-in-love brother." you giggled, not missing her little smile. The woman stopped right in front of the exit door, giving you a serious look. "Y/N, are you absolutely sure you want this? You know our true origins, my boy's character, and all the dark things our family has been through. Are you absolutely sure you want to join this mess? 'Cause once we walk through that door, there's no turning back."
"I think we both know the answer to that question, Baghra."
"No. I need to hear it. Do you truly want this?"
"I dream of nothing more than marrying Aleksander, and spending my whole life with him, no matter how long or short it may be."
The woman nodded silently and opened the door.
A wide smile appeared on your face as soon as your gaze met the clearly nervous Aleksander. He calmed down the moment he saw you, an equally goofy, in-love smirk playing on his lips. And when he finally had you at arm's length, he didn't hesitate to grab your hands in his firm grip, never taking his eyes off yours for a moment.
It was just you and him. Lost in your love.
And so began your little eternity together... shorter than either of you would have liked.
You'll always remember that day, even if it was associated with bittersweet memories of your all-too-short marriage. A single tear fell from your eye. You wiped it with the sleeve of your dress.
Your hand automatically wandered under your dress, absently stroking the Baghra's necklace to which you had attached your wedding ring. The only memento of your past.
In another life, you and Aleksander could have had it all.
"Little moon? Are you ready?" Kirigan entered your room." We're going... soon." you could see in the mirror how he froze as his eyes met your reflection in the silver mirror.
You turned to him, making a sweeping movement with your skirt. You wouldn't waste your chance to be a diva. However, you yourself soon succumbed to a similar blackout as his as soon as you assumed the general's appearance.
The saints really liked to torment you.
There was no other explanation for why the man in front of you looked almost exactly like your husband on your wedding day.
Aleksander couldn't take his eyes off her. She was perfect. Ethereal, otherworldly, and breathtaking. His Y/N... No. She wasn't her. No one could be her, not even a woman with her face. Which didn't stop him from giving himself to this dream that it was his wife standing in front of him. He spent hundreds of years in suffering; maybe this one night he can afford to live in his most beautiful dreams, where SHE would still be with him.
He cleared his throat, snapping you both out of the strange, nostalgic atmosphere.
"You look amazing." you blushed as you turned back to the mirror, pretending to consider the truth of his compliment.
"Thank you. Genya makes wonderful dresses." you reached for the kefta thrown over the armchair, but the man beat you to it.
"Please, allow me." you nodded to him. You turned your back to him, waiting for him to put the kefta on your shoulders.
He smoothed it out, letting his hand brush the fabric of your bare collarbones for a moment too long. You shivered as you felt the tiny touch of his fingertips on your bare skin. Good thing the kefta covered most of your bare arms. You didn't want to give him satisfaction for how he was affecting you.
But judging by his dilated pupils, you weren't the only one who felt the attraction between the two of you.
However, you will definitely not be the one to give in to such trivial desires. He was not Aleksander. Nobody could.
"Thank you again." you murmured as you pulled away from him, smiling. You preferred to act oblivious to his advances rather than risk giving in to the lust that was evident between the two of you. Although you knew there would come a point in your little game where you'd have to seduce him a bit to lull his guard down. And you feared that moment more than entering the fold.
"Anytime, love. Shall we?" he asked, offering you his arm. "I hope you spare me at least one dance." he murmured, smiling at you with that flirty twinkle in his eyes as he kissed your hand.
Wonderfully. Now he was supposed to be your personal bodyguard for all night.
You sighed, grabbing his arm. Kirigan pulled you closer as he escorted you through the maze of corridors.
It was going to be a really tough day. - you thought, allowing yourself to steal a glance at the general who was already watching you. - Especially with those eyes so focused on me.
~•♤♤♤•~
The Kirigan left you alone for a moment just before entering the ballroom. You were to wait for him and Alina, and then the three of you were to give little shows of darkness and light.
So you waited patiently until someone bumped into you, knocking you to the floor.
"Watch where you walk!" you growled, dusting yourself off as you got up off the floor. The hooded figure stopped and turned to you. You both froze when you saw your faces.
"Y/N?" Baghra asked in disbelief. "It is impossible." she whispered, coming closer to you and catching your hand in a strong, bruising grip, only to grab your necklace later, which had slipped out from under your dress after you fell. She looked at him tenderly, shifting her gaze to you.
"Hello mom." you whispered uncertainly, fearing your mother-in-law's reaction. She liked you, it's true, but in the meantime, you managed to disappear without a trace for hundreds of years. You didn't know what your relationship was like now. But rather, neither of you could be hostile to the other.
"It's really you… But how? I… we thought you were dead, child. Where have you been all this time?"
"A little here, a little there. Forgive me for not writing or coming. I think you understand perfectly well why I didn't."
"Not even a bit, actually." she replied, confused. You frowned. You've never seen Baghra confused. It was a strange sight, to say the least, and definitely worth remembering.
"You know how dear he was... Aleksander is to me. After his death..."
"Death?" she asked. You didn't know if you misheard or if the surprise in her voice was genuine. She rather knew about his death, didn't she?
"Yes. While creating a fold." you explained, looking at her intently. But Baghra's face never betrayed anything. Not any single emotion. She tucked the necklace under your dress and grabbed your shoulders.
"Oh, my dear child. For all this time..."
"Baghra!" Kirigan's scream echoed through the empty corridor. The woman stepped back from you like she was burned, watching the general with contempt as he approached the two of you. "What are you talking about with my moon summoner? I hope she didn't bother you too much, Miss Petrova."
"Not at all. Actually…"
"I was just leaving, moi soverenyi." the woman interrupted you, giving you an enigmatic look, before she turned her back to you two. "Enjoy yourself, Miss Petrova." she threw over her shoulder as she walked away.
"Crazy woman. But he teaches the young Grisha well. What did she want from you?"
"Nothing special. She asked where I was from and what I was doing here. I don't think she's heard of the new moon summoner yet."
"Probably you are right. Let's go. We've got a show to play."
He took your hand gently and led you to the centre of the room, where Alina was already waiting for you.
You had a simple task. Kirigan summons shadows. Alina, on the other side of the room, her golden rays, and you, the white moonlight that was supposed to connect with her powers, then break up into several constellations.
A child's trick and spectacle for the common folk who treated you like toys all rolled into one.
Everything was going smoothly. Suddenly, the room was completely dark. You waited patiently for Alina's light to appear on the other side of the room. When suddenly someone approached you from behind.
"It's okay, it's me. It's just me, you're safe."
"What are you doing?" you asked as he wrapped his arms around you from behind, taking both of your hands in his.
"Don't you think this is the best place to watch the whole show?" his question confused you. You turned in his arms, miraculously seeing those bloody, dark eyes in the darkness. The mischievous sparks both made your chest feel warm and terrified. The bastard was up to something.
"I doubt it; with my light, you'll barely see Alina's trick."
"Works perfectly for me, my little moon." he whispered against your ear. You tensed as you felt his soft lips on your earlobe.
Suddenly he leaned in, the tip of his nose tracing a path from your ear down your skin, sending shivers down your spine as he inhaled your perfume and those damn distracting lips slid from your ear to your neck.
He started placing small, wet kisses there. Your brain has melted. It stopped working while the general was kissing every sensitive spot on your neck. He read your body so damn well that if it weren't for his quick reflexes and his hand over your mouth, your loud, obscene groan would have echoed in the darkness of the ballroom.
You felt the light involuntarily escape from you and thanked all the saints that you lost control just as Alina finished her part.
You tried to push the shadow summoner away from you, but your attempts were so futile (and reluctant) that you quickly gave up, focusing on doing your job with his intoxicating mouth and roaming hands on you.
The son of a bitch was lucky to stay in the shadows, unseen by anyone but you.
You internally cursed yourself for how much easier it was to do the whole trick with him around.
To your great disappointment, he moved away from you just before the grand finale. You were panting, trying to calm your wildly beating heart, and breathing as the light began to take over the ballroom.
And those fucking dark eyes and smug smirk were the first damn thing you saw when you and Alina lit up the room.
People started applauding. Kirigan came up to you and grabbed your hand, and after Alina joined you, you bowed to everyone, gathering an ovation. You glanced briefly at Kirigan, who was staring at your neck. You just hoped he didn't leave a hickey in plain sight. But judging by the way his smirk widened and the way he ran away from you as soon as you were surrounded by a crowd of people, you assumed you had a new, not-so-visible yet bruise on your skin.
You'll kill him as soon as you get your hands on him.
~•♤♤♤•~
You stand in the darkness of his war room, waiting for him to finally appear. You played with the dagger in your hands, contemplating meeting Baghra. You felt something was wrong, something was missing. The woman's behaviour both helped you and, after the general's arrival, gave you a lot to think about. She was hiding something. But what?
you sighed. If only Aleksander was here. It would save you a lot of trouble. Among other things, intimidating his doppelgänger, who started to stick to you too much - much to your tacit approval.
But you were aware that this attraction was only due to his resemblance to your Aleksander. In a few decades, Kirigan will die too. And you will be completely alone again.
The sound of his boots hitting the floor snapped you out of your thoughts. You braced yourself for an attack and jumped on him just as he flanked the door and stepped inside. You pinned him against the wall with a dagger to his neck as he gave you a surprised, amused look.
"Hello, moonlight. Do you like the ball?"
"What the hell was that?!" you growled, pressing the blade against his skin as you made a small, harmless cut.
"You put a dagger to my neck far too often, darling." he noted, frowning as droplets of blood decorated the silver metal.
"Don't change the fucking subject! You have no damn right to act like this. Lay your hand on me like that again, and I'll make sure you don't have anything to summon your shadows with, general."
"So my lips on your incredibly alluring soft skin were no problem for you, my sweet moon?" he asked maliciously, raising an eyebrow. You growled, irritated by his arrogance. You guessed you preferred it when he responded to your attack with his own dagger.
"Do that again, and you won't live to see another moment to find out."
"You forget..." he mumbled, suddenly grabbing your hand holding the blade and wrapping his other around your neck. He pinned you against the wall, making sure there was no space between you two. "That you're not the only one with power here."
"You'd better let me go, little shadow, before you unleash hell you can't stop." you growled, summoning your light, which immediately met his shadows. You fought, jostling with your powers and staring hard into each other's eyes. You weren't going to lose this fight.
"You underestimate me, darling. I'm more than able to face any of your hell."
You didn't know why, but that sentence, the confidence in his eyes, the arrogance in his voice, and the same immense need that was hiding under both yours and his mask of restraint changed something between you two.
His already dark eyes were practically taken over by black pupils that stared at you lustfully. The intoxicating smell of his perfume, the warmth of his body, and those damn big, cool hands on your hot skin only made you accept your spur-of-the-moment decision.
With his hand still tightly wrapped around your neck, you leaned forward and pressed your lips against his.
You both groaned in unison. Your only consolation in this situation was that before your hands hooked on his strong arms, holding on tightly for fear your legs would give out, you could hear his dagger first drop to the marble floor, seconds before your blade.
You only broke apart for a moment before quickly removing the other's kefta and catching the other's lips again. You fought for control, biting into the other's lip every now and then, which only met with more resistance and the will to fight. Neither you nor he were made to lose.
At one point, he grabbed you by the waist, wrapping your legs around him as he carried you to the nearest flat surface—the war table. With one flick of his hand, he swept all the maps, papers, and other stuff off him onto the floor and practically threw you onto a wooden table.
You gasped in shock as your body suddenly hit the wood, which Kirigan quickly took advantage of. He dug into your mouth, his tongue grazing yours as he tried to dominate you once again.
You growled, grabbing the back of his black shirt and tearing the fabric to get to his skin, where you didn't hesitate to leave blood crescents in the shape of your fingernails.
He hissed away from your kiss-swollen lips and bit into the same damn spot on your neck where he had dared leave a hickey before.
Aleksander...
You froze. It wasn't Aleksander. It will never be your Aleksander again. No matter how damn similar they were.
Kirigan continued to kiss your neck when you finally decided, with a heavy heart, to push him away with a gentle kick.
You both stared at each other, gasping for breath. Kirigan took a hesitant step towards you and raised his hand to gently stroke your cheek. But you jumped off the war table before his skin could touch yours and start your kissing session all over again.
You had to escape from there. As soon as possible.
"I... I should go." you mumbled, shoving past him to pick up the kefta that had been thrown on the floor by him.
"Wait a second..." he followed you but stopped the moment his eyes met yours again. You both wanted each other. You were both held back by the very same thing that attracted you in the first place.
"We have a hard day tomorrow. Make sure Ivan wakes up Alina; she's not such an early riser after all." you mumbled in panic, backing towards the door.
"Melinoe." he tried to stop you, but your hand on the doorknob was faster. You opened the door, and without looking back, you threw over your shoulder:
"Good night, general."
You ran to your room, and before anyone could stop you, you shut the door. Tears began to flow freely from your eyes as you slid to the floor.
For a moment, a fleeting little moment, you were Y/N again. You were that 20-year-old girl kissing her husband again. But Kirigan could never be Aleksander. And even if you gave him your heart, he would shatter it to pieces over time when he, like other descendants of your Aleksander, reached old age. You were doomed to be lonely. But the fact that a person with eyes, a face, and a mind so like your husband was at your fingertips wasn't helpful to your already broken soul at all.
You just wanted to have your husband in your arms again. Was it so much for the saints to accomplish? You sobbed piteously until you fell asleep on the floor from exhaustion.
Little did you know that a few floors above you, someone was also mourning their dead significant other. And he also cursed fate for putting in his path a woman so similar to the one for whom he would give everything he held dear.
One thing was certain. The longer you stayed in the presence of the other, the more you lost your mind. But neither of you was ready to deprive yourself of the toxic pleasure of seeing the living face of your beloved, lost spouse.
~•♤♤♤•~
As planned, the next day you headed towards the border with Fjerdans. Neither you nor the general spoke to you most of the way, which Alina and Baghra noticed. Yes. Baghra went with you. The general was just as shocked as you, but surprisingly, he didn't argue with the woman about her unannounced presence.
The only thing you were afraid of during this trip was crossing the land where your village used to be. Aleksander's house and yours. It also didn't help that you were supposed to be there on the exact anniversary of his death - the creation of the fold.
You thought it would be easier for you to ride a horse through the only place where you were happy, but the wave of memories flooding you did not allow you to pass by indifferently.
"You'll never catch me!" you run away from him, laughing.
"If I catch you, the game will be over. But since you're insulting my capabilities…" you yelled as you ran away when Aleksander rushed to you.
You ran along the river, looking over your shoulder every now and then to make sure your boyfriend wasn't right behind you.
Suddenly, a cloud of shadows appeared in front of you, from which your Sasha came out and grabbed you by the waist. You thrashed in his embrace, causing you both to fall to the ground, laughing.
"Aleksander! You shouldn't use it in public!" you scolded him, punching him lightly in the chest.
"We are in the middle of the forest. There are only us and some animals."
"Still it is risky for you. Don't make me tell your mother about this."
"Could you please stop threatening me with my own mother?" he groaned, throwing you off him, to which you squealed indignantly. You stared with your daggers at the man lying before you with a mischievous smirk and an amused twinkle in his eyes.
"Since I found out she likes me and trusts me more than you? No, it's too funny, my grumpy shadow-man." you laughed. You rolled your eyes as you watched his expression growl. You climbed on top of him and kissed the crease that had formed between his eyebrows from your comment. "I'm soooo sorry, Sasha. You know how much I love you, right? You're the most important person in my life, Aleksander Morozova."
"And you in mine, Y/N Y/L/N." he murmured, grabbing your cheek and pulling you into a sweet, slow kiss. You purred, enjoying the feel of his lips on yours - something you'll never get tired of. He pulled away from you far too quickly. He licked his lips, looking at you nervously. You raised an eyebrow, questioningly. "Y/N... can I ask you a question?"
"Right now? I thought you gonna kiss me a little longer, but if it's so important." he chuckled, shaking his head, as he leaned down to catch your lips in a kiss again.
"Happy, lapushka?"
"Not really, but I'll try to survive a few minutes without your lips on mine." he chuckled, but you knew from the features of his face and the gentle clasping of his shoulders that something was bothering him. You just hoped he wouldn't have to leave with his mother again... "What did you want to ask me?" Aleksander cleared his throat, taking your hands in his trembling.
"You know that I love you. I can't imagine how my life would have turned out if you hadn't put that dagger to my throat five years ago right here."
"I knew I recognized this place from somewhere." you cut him off, looking around the clearing. Aleksander laughed, catching your attention again as you blushed at how stupidly you interrupted him. But it seemed to help him relax, judging by the way his hand confidently reached out to cup your cheek.
"You make me laugh. Even on the darkest, worst of days. Just one look at those wonderfully beautiful eyes is enough to completely change my mood. One word from you and all my plans and beliefs fall into oblivion. You are the light in my darkness. The only good thing that happened to me. The only person who isn't afraid of what I can do. The only person who looks at me with such adoration despite my shadows."
"You know I love them. I love all of you, Sasha. Nothing will change that." you replied with tears in your eyes, suspecting what his confession would lead to.
"I know I have nothing worth you and that the life I can offer you is nothing compared to what you deserve, but you know me better than I know myself... I would go crazy if I wasn't the only man who has the privilege of seeing your face first thing every morning and falling asleep in the presence of your beauty. I'd go crazy if someone else could be called yours..." Aleksander took a simple gold ring with a small black gem from his pocket.
You gasped, knowing full well how much money he must have spent on even such a simple engagement ring. Baghra was supposed to skin your fiancé when she figured out what he wasted their money on.
"Sasha..." you whispered, crying, moving your gaze towards him.
"Y/N, kei onolich yash (will you marry me)? Will you be my wife?" too moved to answer him, you pulled him into a kiss. You both smiled like idiots. "I'm guessing it's yes then, but I'd rather hear it from you before I tell everyone else."
"Yes. Yes, I will marry you, you idiot. You didn't have to buy me a ring, Sasha. I would say yes without it."
"I wanted to make sure you wouldn't reject me." he replied with a mischievous smirk, putting it on your finger. You huffed and punched him lightly on the shoulder. The ring sparkled in the moonlight. Your face hurts from smiling. "I promise you, Y/N one day I'll give you the prettiest, flashiest ring in all of Ravka."
"And I will still prefer the one you gave me today." you replied without a second of hesitation, pulling your fiancé into another kiss.
The Kirgian ordered a stop, which everyone accepted with gratitude. And when others Grishas dispersed to their tasks, you decided to go to the place where your house and Aleksander's once stood.
Since you were already a stupid girl, as Baghra so nicely called you, this little trip shouldn't hurt you. You'd rather be stupid and crazy—completely mad from love—than ever forget about Aleksander and move on.
And that's how you got here. By the river, close to the place where you used to be the happiest in the world, and now you were shedding a sea of tears over the life you lost.
"I will build you a palace."
"What?" you asked, giggling as you looked away from the stars to your husband lying next to you on the grass.
Sensing the movement of your head, he turned around to look at you closely. You both loved nights like these. Your hands intertwined as you both lay on the ground looking at the stars and talking about your day, your plans, and your dreams. It was a sacred ritual between the two of you that you performed at least once a week.
"A palace. For you and our future children. A safe place where we can live with our little family."
"Sasha... I don't need a palace to feel safe with you. You are my shelter. My protector. What we have now is more than enough."
"That little hut where we barely fit in with our stuff, even though we don't have much anyway? NO. You deserve all the treasures of this world, Y/N" he murmured, stroking your cheek tenderly.
You sighed, pressing your cheek against his hand, enjoying every ounce of his attention. It's been getting more and more dangerous around here lately. You seldom had time to spend together; you were too busy with the Grisha needing your help. But you didn't mind. As long as Aleksander's eyes gave you that loving, adoring look at least once a day, you were ready to face anything to get back into his waiting arms.
"I already have one." he raised an eyebrow questioningly, looking at you in surprise. You just smiled, pulling him to you by the chin and connecting your lips in a kiss. Aleksander rolled over and hovered over you, not breaking your tender kiss. You placed your hands on his cheeks and gently pulled him away, looking into his eyes. No stars in the sky could match the brilliance of his dark irises. "You are my treasure. With you by my side I want nothing more. You're all I need to be happy, Sasha." you mumbled, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs. Aleksander buried his face in your hands, closing his eyes for a moment and surrendering to this tender gesture.
"You deserve much more, milaya. And I promise, by all the saints and stars in the sky, I'll give you the world."
"Everything in time, Aleksander. Now, kiss your wife and show her how much you love her." you giggled as his long hair tickled your cheeks as he dutifully caught your lips in another sweet kiss.
"Was he really worth it?" Baghra's question cut through your sobs. You wiped your tears, not wanting to cry in front of her, and turned to face her. "Wouldn't you rather curse him for creating a fold and for leaving you than mourn the bastard that was my son? Y/N, child, you have eternity ahead of you. An eternity where you can be happy. Is Aleksander worth wasting it?" you laughed bitterly, knowing the answer to her question all too well. Nothing has changed over the centuries. And you knew nothing would change your feelings.
"You know very well that I will never know happiness again. Not without him. I've never done that in all these years."
"There had to be a moment. Even the smallest." she tried desperately to convince you. You dropped your head, remembering those few moments between you and Kirigan in Little Palace.
"There was. Next to a man who looked like him. But after a while, it dawned on me that he would never be Aleksander. Call me and think about me however you want. Pathetic child, crazy woman… But the truth is, I loved your son, Baghra, and I will always love only him. Our hearts were created by the saints as one and divided in two, placing one in Aleksander and the other in me. There is no one in the world I could love like him, with whom I could be truly happy. This type of love never dies, Baghra. Even separated by a grave."
"What if you got him back? If he was with you, but he wasn't the same man you remember?"
"It wouldn't matter. We are all changing. I know I would love him as much as I did then."
"I just hope you know what you want, child. And that maybe he'll go back to who he used to be because of you." she sighed, leaving you alone with your grief. You frowned, analysing her vague words.
It wasn't until it started to get dark that you got up from your knees and brushed the dirt off your clothes. You were about to leave when the crunch of branches caught your attention. A foolish hope rose in you and you lifted your head, only to meet your eyes with the Kirgian.
"General. I was just returning to camp." he nodded his head without a word.
Taking that as your cue to leave, you turned to take one last look at what used to be your home. You sighed tremblingly as a lone tear rolled down your cheek.
And you whistled.
It was a fragment of an old Ravkan song about lovers returning home after a long journey to throw themselves into each other's arms, longing for separation. You and Aleksander adored it. And you decided that every time one of you left home, you would whistle that particular verse that stuck in your mind.
In storm-black mountains, I wander alone
Over the glacier I make my way
A cool breeze caressed your hot (from crying) skin. But the goosebumps that formed on your arms weren't from the cold at all.
"In the apple orchard stands the maiden fair and sings, When will you come home?"
You froze. Incapable of anything but breathing. You misheard. It's just one of your stupid fantasies, your mind playing tricks on you, or another cruel dream about how you got back the man you loved. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be real.
But the man holding your arm in a tight grip and turning you around to face him felt very real. AND ALIVE.
"Sasha?" you whispered tearfully, shaking all over, and if it wasn't for his strong grip on both of your arms, you probably would have fallen to your knees in front of him long ago, unable to do anything other than stare hopefully at the man in front of you.
Aleksander's heart shuddered and threatened to burst as the pet name, unused for hundreds of years, reached his ears. In an instant, you were on his chest as he hugged you with all his might. With your ear to his heart, you listened to his beating, and for the first time in hundreds of years, you cried WITH HAPPY.
"It's me, milaya. My sweet Y/N, my moon, my heart, my wife. It's me."
You heard him through a haze, too intent on his eyes to understand anything more from his speech. It was him. Your Aleksander. All this time. He was saying something to you, but you completely ignored him as something gold around his neck shimmered in the moonlight. You pulled the chain from under his jacket, sighing as you saw his wedding ring hanging securely on his necklace. A sob of disbelief escaped you. It was really him.
His hand cupping your cheek caused your watery gaze to shift back to those dark, beloved eyes.
"No more tears, milaya. You do not have to worry. From now on, I will never leave your side again. Not for a single bloody second."
And that was enough for you.
Grabbing his hair, you pulled him closer to you to feel his lips on yours as soon as possible. It wasn't one of those soft, gentle, unhurried kisses that lovers share after they meet after some separation.
It was intense, desperate, and needy, expressing your deadly longing for each other's lips through those painful years without each other. You didn't have the strength to hold back, to pretend you didn't miss that exact feeling all those lonely nights.
It didn't matter that your tears mixed and you could taste their salty taste on each other's lips. It didn't matter that your lungs were burning for air. It didn't matter that you had already fallen to your knees, too shaken by the feeling of the other's lips, but both of you longed too much for this closeness between you to deprive yourself of the warmth of the other's body even for a millisecond. It didn't matter if your lips were too swollen to decently go back to camp and pretend nothing had happened between you two.
You sincerely doubted that you would be able to take even a step towards the camp. Not after you trembled in Aleksander's lap as his hands caressed every inch of your skin.
But the moment came when you had to pull away from each other, cursing the need for air. You rested your forehead against his, inhaling his scent and clinging to his kefta to be as close to him as possible.
You both knew that there was no way you were going to be an arm's length away from each other. And you were seriously considering sticking with him permanently. His dark cloak looked big enough for you to hide under it too.
You couldn't believe your luck. He was here. With you. You had his arms around you again as you both clung desperately to each other.
Your Aleksander. Your husband. Your loved one. Your heart.
He had you again. His wife. His soulmate. His sanity. His equal. HIS EVERYTHING.
You wanted to pull away for a moment to look at his face again, but something tugged at your neck, bringing your head to Aleksander's shoulder. You looked down. Your necklaces are tangled.
"Seriously? It couldn't have happened a month ago?" you groaned as you tried to untangle your chains. You smiled, hearing how your husband laughed carelessly for the first time in centuries, since the day he lost you. "We'll never hear the end of it from Baghra, you know about it Sasha?" you asked, resting your forehead against his as you gave up on releasing the two of you. It didn't matter that everything was against you again. At least now you finally have Aleksander with you. YOUR real Aleksander.
"She had already called me a blind fool before she made me come here. I think we'll hear a lot from her about our stupidity." he murmured. You shivered as you felt his fingertips on your neck as he untied your intertwined necklaces effortlessly. He unclasped yours and, with great delicacy, placed the ring on your finger.
"Remind me to thank your mother for making you come here later." you replied, making sure his wedding ring was on his finger as well. Maybe you won't scare all the bitches away from him, but at least you'll make it clear that he belongs only to you. After hundreds of years without him, you have the right to be territorial.
"Later?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You don't think I'm going anywhere other than your tent and your bed right now, do you?"
"Our bed." he murmured before grabbing you in bridal style and heading for your tent. "By the way, I must commend you for how bravely you resisted the charms of someone who wasn't me. I barely managed to kiss you properly before you pushed me away."
"I don't know what I should do to you. Slap you for groping someone who had my face, or kiss you for only being attracted to my beauty."
"You have to admit, you didn't resist me much back then, my little saint." he murmured, kissing you again. He ran his hand through your hair, pulling you all the way onto him so he could feel your weight on him. You were with him. Body and soul. And it wasn't a dream. "Let's go to that tent before I have my way with you here and now." he muttered, getting up.
"Wait." you grabbed his hand. He turned to you, giving you a questioning look as he found you still kneeling on the grass. "Before we do anything. We both agree that we are not going to destroy the fold, right?"
Aleksander held his breath. He forgot how damn perfect you were. How you fit in and understood him in every way. And only the slight ounce of control he had left was keeping him from lunging at you right now as you kneeled in front of him with those beautiful, mesmerising eyes staring at him.
But after all, Aleksander was only human. A man whose cruel fate separated him from his beloved wife for many centuries…
He pulled you close to him in one swift motion. You crashed into his chest, completely unprepared for the sudden movement, but his intoxicating lips on yours compensated for your shock.
You moaned into his mouth as he pulled away from you so as not to lose his control completely.
"Saints, you have no idea how much I've missed you, my little moon."
"I'll take it as a yes." you replied, giggling as he put his arm around you. As you'd guessed, you fit perfectly with him under his cloak. You sighed, intoxicated by his scent.
"You know so well that I'll do anything for you. The fact that our plans coincide only proves that we belong to each other. And only to each other."
"Always, Sasha. I'm yours for eternity." you replied, smiling slightly as you turned to steal a glance at him.
"And I'm yours for the rest of our lives and beyond." he murmured, kissing your forehead.
You practically ran through the camp, ignoring Baghra's knowing, malicious look and the shocked expressions of Alina, Zoya, and Ivan (at which you giggled, causing Aleksander a small, tender smile) and Fedyor's smirk. You entered his tent, laughing as you started kissing while taking off each other's clothes.
"I hope you realize we don't leave this tent for at least a week?" he asked as he laid you down on the bed. However, the bastard didn't wait for your response, stealing a kiss from you.
"They'll be looking for you, Sasha." you mumbled between your kisses and grabbed his cheeks to make him focus on something other than your lips.
"What a pity I'll be too busy with my wife to notice anyone else but her." he lowered his head to your neck, making your hands tangle in his hair. You sighed, feeling his tongue on your skin just before he gently bit you.
"I thought we had a battle to win." he suddenly stopped all his movements. He intertwined your ringed hands and cupped your cheek with the other, forcing you to look into his eyes.
"My little moon, I'll postpone any goddamn war for you. There is nothing in this world more important to me than you and never will be." he promised, pressing his lips to yours.
You moaned, enjoying the long-forgotten feeling of his skin against yours as well as knowing that your love would never die.
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“Do you have something against me, Estrella?”
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Nahhh :P But it seems my lucky quarter does
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“Your… Lucky quarter?”
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Yep! I flip a coin whenever I have to make a decision and I can’t decide what to do, and for some reason, it always lands on the worst option for you...
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“Hm. That’s odd... A coin can’t possibly hold a grudge.”
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... And Grisha too
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...?!
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“DON'T YOU DARE-!”
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corpsebasil · 1 year
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nightmares and enemies
In which the King and Queen of Ravka realize they care about each other more than they thought.
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You two had always hated each other.
Ever since you’d been engaged, you hated him. He was arrogant—a cocky, peacock of a man—and the sight of him alone made your blood boil. He teased you, finding new and creative ways to constantly piss you off, and you gave it right back. He even went so far one time as to, when you were crouched next to a river washing your face, come up behind you and knock your ass in.
You’d grabbed his ankle and yanked him in after you, of course, but he still laughed about it for days.
Now, though.
The day Nikolai was crowned, the day blood bubbled from your mouth as the entire throne room collapsed under the power of a drugged Grisha, you could’ve sworn he’d been gasping your name beside you. You could’ve sworn he’d reached for your hand, though you’d only felt the tips of his fingers graze yours before you passed out.
And now.
You were married and didn’t even share the same rooms. But somehow he still heard you when you screamed, thrashing awake from a dream in which you were on that dais, your chest so tight you thought you’d never breathe again, but this time it was Nikolai beside you, unconscious, and you couldn’t drag your weak body a single inch towards his.
And then your husband was dead.
You were terrified. You woke with tears in your eyes, heart pounding, still feeling that tightness in your chest. Your bedroom door flew open so fast you screamed again, unsure if you were still dreaming, but the lamp turned on and there he was, rumpled and alarmed, a large knife in his hand. He looked around the room, checking the window and the open closet door, before turning back to face you.
Nikolai’s chest was heaving, his cheeks flushed, and you stared at him in open mouthed shock as he ran his hand over his tired face.
“I thought—“ he started, voice hoarse, and turned away, leaning an arm against the wall. He stayed quiet for a moment, catching his breath, before facing you again and slowly coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “I thought someone broke in.”
“I’m…” you were still staring. He looked as horrified as you had been. “I’m fine. I was—” You swallowed, mouth dry. “I was having a nightmare. I’m fine.”
He covered his mouth with one hand as he stared at you, then sighed, dropping his head down between his knees, the knife clattering to the floor. His voice was strained when he spoke again, shoulders tense.
“What were you dreaming about, Y/N?” He asked, quietly, and you tried to calm your racing heart. His abrupt entrance had startled you almost as much as the fact that he’d come so quickly when you woke up.
“You were—” your voice caught involuntarily and his head lifted, eyes pinning you with an intense stare. “—you were dead. You were…and I couldn’t—”
You couldn’t stop yourself as the tears welled back up and you looked away, forcing the image out of your mind. The blood—and he was just laying there and—
“Darling, please.” Nikolai’s words were thick with emotion as he moved over to you, sitting next to you against the pillows. He caught your strangled sob against his shoulder when he scooped you into his lap, pressing every inch of the two of you together.
You swayed together for a moment, his voice murmuring calming words against your ear as his hands ran soothing circles against your back and shoulders. You clutched him tightly, eyes squeezed shut, but after a few moments your heart slowed and you managed to take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.” You whispered against him, and his fingers brushed your hair from your face as you pulled back to look at him.
Softly, so softly it broke your heart, he leaned in and kissed you, and for the first time it seemed real. There was no one around to watch, no courtiers or officials to please with a show of fake romance. It was just you and Nikolai, your Nikolai, and his mouth against yours was so gentle you felt your stomach twist and your chest tighten.
He pulled back barely an inch and ran his nose against yours, a soft smile on his handsome face. You reached up to run a thumb over his cheekbone, marveling over how soft his skin was, and marveled over the fact that he was even allowing you to touch him like this. More than that, that you allowed him to hold you like this, to kiss you like he…like he…
“I’m not going to leave you.” He promised, his eyes kind and tired. “I’m never going to die and leave you alone. I’ll fight the afterlife with my bare hands if I have to.”
A tear rolled its way down your cheek and he wiped it away, his brow furrowing.
“I thought you hated me.” You said, slipping your fingers into his hair, and he shook his head with a sad looking smile.
“You’re about as friendly as a hungry bear sometimes, you know that?” He asked, and you stiffened. “See? You treated me like an ass when we met, and when I messed with you…that was the only time you’d give me an inch of attention. I’ve always been yours. Always.”
“I’m—” You blinked at him, unsure of how you didn’t realize you two had been circling each other throughout your entire engagement, then marriage, coming closer and closer to this moment. “I’m sorry. I wanted to like you.”
“Do you like me now?” He teased, and you couldn’t stop yourself from kissing him again, holding him tightly against you. When you separated he looked dazed, and you felt a pang rush through you at the lovestruck expression on his face.
“I think I might love you, Nikolai.”
When you finally went to sleep, after several long minutes of kissing and reminiscing on the stupidest pranks you both had ever pulled on each other, you curled up next to one another in bed and slept, both of your dreams unplagued by death and horror.
For once, for the first time in a while, you both felt truly, truly loved.
THIS IS SO CHEESEBALLS BUT I AM EMOTIONAL?!/7/$
Remember to check out Tea and Spices on wattpad and send me requests!!
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dearmantis · 1 year
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Back from the dead
Pairing: Aleksander Morozova/The Darkling x Reader
Summary: As a new servant hired to help out in the Little Palace you have a bit of trouble finding your place in the new, unfamiliar environment. It doesn't help that some of the people there seem to know you.
Warnings: mentions of death/dying alone, bleeding out
Word Count: 4k
Authors' Note: I have written something. Congrats to me. I'm not sure if I like it. This isn't edited and I'm not a native English speaker.
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"Who is this for? There's no name." You ask with a frown, holding up the dark brown wooden hanger. Usually, the clothes you're supposed to deliver to the Grisha have their name and order on the hanger, but this one is empty.
The other servant in the room with you, Mira, who is currently busy hanging the Kefta of a Tidemaker onto a dark blue hanger, looks up, eyes scanning the wood before her face contorts into a grimace.
"That's for Baghra. She prefers to wash her clothes herself, but once a month, the General asks us to steal her clothes and wash and repair them. Small warning: she's probably going to yell at you when you give them back."
You pull your eyebrows together, a deep wrinkle forming between them. "Wouldn't it make sense to just put them in front of her house in a basket or something instead of giving them to her personally? Or waiting until she's out again to bring them back inside?"
Mira shakes her head quickly. The movement makes her hair look like the most expensive black satin available.
"She has definitely noticed that someone took her clothes while she was out training the kids. She's waiting for someone to return them to let out some of her anger. There's no way Baghra is leaving her house until her clothes are back and she got to verbally abuse someone. I'm sorry."
Her attention goes back to the Tidemakers kefta, her long fingered hands carefully smoothing any wrinkles out of the material while her gaze checks the clothing item for any loose threads before hanging it up on the clothing rack next to her and moving onto the next item, a cream coloured cotton blouse with some beautifully carved wooden buttons.
Your hands dig slightly into the dark fabric of the dress you're holding, trying to determine if Mira is just trying to mess with you for fun or if she's seriously trying to warn you. You've only started working in the Little Palace a week ago and rumours about Baghra quickly found your ears as well, but you foolishly assumed that you would never have to interact with her after finding out that she usually only terrorizes the kitchen staff who bring her her meals.
Carefully looking through the other clothing racks for other dark brown, unnamed hangers, you end up with eight items before you finally leave the room, Miras "good luck!" following you through the halls like a death sentence as you move to leave the Little Palace.
You want to get this done quickly, trying your hardest to talk some bravery into yourself. Getting insulted by the old woman is basically a rite of passage according to some of the things you've heard over the past few days, like getting scared to death by the General or one of his Oprichniki randomly appearing behind you, getting into a fight with a servant from the Grand Palace after they said something mean about the Little Palace, and slipping on the stairs that lead to the kitchens.
You will survive this. Many have survived this before you, and many will continue to survive this after you.
The sun is slowly disappearing behind the palace, dipping the sky into a lovely shade of bright orange, pink, purple and grey-ish blue, reminding you that you will probably be done with work soon after this delivery. You will eat dinner with the other servants, who will probably want to gossip about Baghra with you, and then you will go to sleep for the night. It'll be a nice day, maybe, after you're back.
And then a new day will begin, and hopefully, someone else will be tasked with bringing her clothes back next month.
Of course, there's still the risk of being asked to steal her clothes, but you'll simply try to avoid joining the group scheduled to collect dirty laundry, at least when it's time to sneak into her house.
You've never been a fast runner, and you can't run for long either. She would catch you and beat you to death with that stick you've heard so much about before you even realise that she noticed someone breaking in.
When the house finally becomes visible, you can feel your muscles stiffen, but you force yourself to keep going. This is your job, after all. It's already a big miracle that you got this position in the first place, considering you have no training or experience as a servant. You really can't afford to run back into the palace and cry that you're too scared of the old woman to bring her her clothes.
And saints, what if she finds out you're that scared of her? Your mother always said that people only bully you to get a reaction out of you. They find the fear in your eyes amusing.
And that's what the old woman is, right? A big, old bully who kicks the children she's supposed to train around like pebbles and verbally abuses everyone who gets a bit too close to her.
You can't be weak in front of her. You won't be weak in front of her.
You can't see the woman, but you know she's waiting. You can feel her, somehow. She's lingering in that house, waiting for you to step closer, for your shadow to come just a bit too close to her door, and then she'll rip it open before you get a chance to knock to scare you as much as possible.
It's predictable, simple, and childish, and for some reason, it feels exactly like something Baghra would do. Which is weird because you don't actually know her. You've only heard what the servants and Grisha have gossiped about in the halls of the Little Palace.
But you feel like you've known her. Back when... when you were a child, maybe? No. You grew up in a village so small that the testers don't even bother to go there anymore. You would remember a woman like Baghra, just like you remember everyone else who has ever lived in the village.
Readjusting your hold on the old woman's clothes, you finally get close to the house and take a deep breath, waiting for her to rip the door open. Your steps become heavier and slower a few metres away from the door, hopefully catching her attention before she slams it right into your face.
The plan works. When the door gets thrown open, it misses you by two whole steps. You only feel a bit of air move against your face when an older woman steps out of her home, her dark eyes focused on the clothes bundled up in your arms.
Her thin lips open, ready to begin her verbal attack and insult and ridicule everything about you, when her eyes finally move up to your face.
The words get stuck in her throat and she simply stares at you for a few seconds, eyebrows pulling together as she looks you over.
"I have your fresh laundry, Miss." You announce, trying to make your voice sound as even and calm as possible.
She. doesn't. scare. you.
You might be scaring her a bit though.
A deep frown appears on her face, quickly turning into a scowl when you hold the clothes out to her.
"Did he hide you from me for all this time? Or did you hide yourself from both of us and decided to come back because he has more power now?"
Now it's your turn to frown, confusion written all over your face.
Baghra rolls her eyes, clearly already tired of you and whatever game she thinks you're playing. You try to prepare yourself for some other speech, some explanation of whatever she believes is your plan, but then she says your name, the name you've never given her, and any form of control you had over your body seeps out of it like water through a cheese cloth.
"You supid child. Faces reappear through history, and so do voices. But both? Together? And exactly the same as the first time? Impossible. I'm not gonna fall for your schemes. Take what you need and leave before he sees you. I don't need to hear his pathetic sobbing again. I had enough of that when you first died."
Her thin arms reach out to rip the clothes out of your graps before she moves to return into her house.
"Or, well, didn't die." the old woman murmurs, her gaze finding yours once more. "You really should just stay dead."
Slamming the door shut behind her, she leaves you to stand in front of her house, completely speechless.
What just happened? What was that?
You slowly turn around and walk back to the Little Palace, unable to tell if you can actually feel Baghras eyes following you, her gaze burning itself into your back, or if its a wave of paranoia making you think that that's what's happening.
Of course you're scared. Someone who's not supposed to know your name knows your name. Nobody knows a servants name – except other servants, of course – because no one ever bothers to learn their names. That's just how it is. You're background characters who clean up and take care of the main characters. Nobody learns the name of a background character because they don't matter.
You don't matter.
But why does Baghra know? The only explanation you can come up with is that she harassed some other servant to find out everything about the new servants in hopes of scaring the absolute shit out of them. But why bother with that? For fun? Is she that bored?
Huffing quietly, you slip back into the Little Palace and go back into the basement, simply letting out a deep sigh when Mira asks you how it went. She smiles encouragingly and promises you to give you half of her desert at dinner tonight in hopes of cheering you up a bit.
You have trouble sleeping that night, and it doesn't get better the next night, or the one after that. Instead, you dream more vividly than ever before, waking up completely exhausted rather than well rested like you should be after six to eight hours of sleep.
You never remember what you dreamed about.
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"You didn't have to..." You say quietly, carefully cradeling the fresh herbs.
"Well, if you don't want them-" The man playfully reaches out to take the bundles back, but you move them out of his grasp quickly, accompanied by a bright laugh. "Come on, I can give them to someone else. I bet my mother would appreciate them."
"You are not going to re-gift these, Sasha! They're mine now." You giggle. "I have some flowers you could bring your mother though! I doubt she's going to openly appreciate them, but she might like them. You know, in her own way."
He smiles and takes a slow step forward, his face hovering directly over yours.
"I will bring them to her later. Right now, I just want to focus on you."
A soft smile paints itself onto your lips and you wait for him to lean down and press a kiss against them.
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Your laugh echoes loudly through the house when he finally catches up to you, his arms wrapping tightly around you.
"Caught you," He huffs, his head bending down to lean against yours. Your hands move to his, holding onto them tightly as you let yourself sink down onto the soft carpet in your living room, pulling the man down with you. He sits down before you get the chance to, pulling you onto his lap, his lips pressing small kisses onto your shoulder and neck.
You lean back against his chest and soak up the warmth his body gives off. "It's not fair. Your legs are longer than mine. Of course you're faster than me."
"You were the one who suddenly ran off and yelled you'll have to catch me first! when I asked you for a simple goodbye kiss." The man laughs, and you can feel how the amusement and joy you felt before disappear slowly.
"I don't want you to go, Sasha."
You don't like admitting it. It makes you feel weak. A voice in the back of your mind whispers that he would never miss you the way you miss him. It sounds a bit too much like his mother, and you wonder when your inner voice of self-doubt started copying her voice. Since when do you even care what she thinks?
"I know, lapushka... But I'll be back soon, I promise. It'll be fine. You won't even notice I'm gone. Everything will be alright. I would never let anything happen to you, I swear it."
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You can't hear anything.
You can't tell if it's actually that quiet or if your body is starting to give up and you lost your hearing. Hopefully, it's just silent. It would be a shame if you could never hear Aleksanders voice again.
But silence isn't good either, you think. There are supposed to be screams around you. If they stopped screaming, that means they're dead. That means you're next.
But you can't be next. Aleksander isn't here yet, and he promised he would be back. He promised, and he never breaks his promises.
He has to come back. He swore he would make sure you would be safe, and while you told him that that's a stupid and impossible thing to promise someone, you did believe him when he said it.
But where is he?
How are you supposed to keep your own promise if he's not here to save you?
You said you wouldn't leave him behind, but you can't keep that if they burn you. You're not strong enough to withstand flames and endless torture. No one is.
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It's shocking how bad he is at cooking. He's completely devoid of any talent.
Sure, simple broths and soups are no issue, but as soon as the recipe requires a bit more thought, he is suddenly helpless.
Of course you would never tell him that. Not when he always tries so hard to help you, eyes wide and pleading as he begs you to let him take over some of the work.
"Please. I promise I won't mess up."
He always does, but you love him anyway.
He is a fantastic baker though. Every loaf of bread he works on, every cookie and every cake, turns into something perfect. As soon as sugar is involved, he suddenly becomes the most gifted man in all of Ravka.
Probably because he doesn't want to waste precious sugar, no matter what shape it comes in. Honey, fruit, berries, it doesn't matter. If it's sweet he loves it. That's just how he is.
He has a big smile on his lips when he shows you the freshly baked loaf of bread he worked on that day, already talking about what he's going to pair it with later when it's finally cooled down.
You know you should tell him not to eat so much sugar, to instead pair the bread with some of the cheese you still have in the house, but his smile is such a rare sight nowadays. You can't bring yourself to ruin his good mood.
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Your head is resting on his chest, ear pressed against his skin to listen to his resting heartbeat. His face is relaxed.
He looks younger like this. Every time he is awake he looks and acts like the fate of the whole world rests on his shoulders, but when he's stuck in the world of dreams he is completely calm.
He looks like the boy he was never really allowed to be.
You're glad that he managed to find rest relatively quickly considering how outraged he was after his fight with his mother just an hour before, his loud voice booming through the small abandoned house you're hiding in.
"Who does she think she is to keep trying to force her opinions down my throat? I don't care about what she thinks. I get to choose who I want to spend my life with. She has no say in this. She doesn't even know you! You would never leave me, right?"
A quiet mumble leaves his lips, his arms moving to wrap around you, pressing you closer to him before he rolls to his side and presses his face against the space between your neck and shoulder, his warm breath brushing over your skin and pulling you out of your thoughts.
You try your hardest not to flinch at the sensation, no matter how much it tickles you. Instead you start to brush your hands through his hair, carefully massaging his scalp with your fingernails. His body tenses slightly, just for a few seconds, before he fully relaxes again, letting out a content sigh that sounds suspiciously like your name.
Smiling weakly you press a kiss onto his neck before closing your eyes as well.
"I promise that I won't leave you behind. I'll stay with you until the end of time if you let me. I swear it, Sasha."
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Baghra is oddly possessive of her son considering she clearly doesn't like him.
That's the only thing you can think about as you watch her fuss over the boy she has tried so hard to keep hidden from the rest of the small Grisha village.
You want to talk to him. Everyone your age wants to talk to him. There aren't many teens in the village and while you all like each other, you're getting a bit sick of each other as well. Having someone new here to talk and play with could help soften the rising tension.
But that woman... she just shoos you all away as soon as you get too close to her precious son. You can't help but notice that he doesn't seem particularly happy about her behavior either.
He always looks so sad when he watches you and the other play and train, desperate to join you and have some fun instead of helping his mother wash dishes and fix clothes.
Most people would've fought back at some point, would've tried to defend themselves against their mother, but he just sits there and takes it as she scolds him over something stupid again. It's always something stupid, and he just listens to her words with that sad look in his eyes before his gaze begins to wander in hopes of finding something else to focus on, his face flushing from embarrassment.
This time his gaze find you, and even from several metres away you can see how his ears turn red. You try to give him an encouraging smile, but his attention snaps back to his mother before he can see it.
You really need to get him away from her, at least for one night. Maybe you could convince him that you could hunt together or something. He deserves some normal interactions without his mother hovering around him like a bird of prey.
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There are screams again, and you're almost glad. Almost.
It's cold now, and it keeps getting colder with all of the blood seeping out of your body, stealing all of the warmth from your limbs and spreading it on the dusty stone floor you're laying on.
You're not sure if its just the exhaustion making you hallucinate or if the shadows are truly moving in your little cell. It would make sense. Aleksander always draws pictures and scenes onto the walls or floor when you can't sleep. Nothing relaxes you more nowadays, except maybe his voice and touch. If your body wants you to stay relaxed as you slowly die, it would probably show you that, right?
You can feel how your powers try to put your body back together. The familiar, almost tingling sensation spreads all over your body, but the blood is still seeping out of you like a small river.
You will die here, you realise. Aleksander hasn't come back and you will die, leaving him behind. He will be on his own again.
You both broke your promise.
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Your mind feels like a glass bottle, ready to burst at any moment. You feel fragile and weak, disoriented and somehow... misplaced. You're not where you're supposed to be and you don't know how to get back to your original position.
Where do you belong?
Your physical health deteriorates further as well, alongside your mental health. You're often confused and lost, and your body never stops shaking, forcing you to wear the long, three coloured scarf you used to wear back when you still lived on your families little farm. It's against the uniform guidelines, but no one ever says anything because of how pitiful you look.
Mira compares you to her little siblings a lot, which is always followed by a sad sigh. Both of them are sick, which is why she works at the Little Palace, so far away from home. She sends the money she makes home to make sure they get the medicine they need, and now she takes care of you, giving you easy tasks like repairing small tears in clothes, sowing buttons back on and, of course, bringing the clothes back to their original owners.
You're never asked to go to Baghras hut again though.
"It would just exhaust you more, and you already look like you can barely stand. I don't want you to collapse."
That is Miras' official explanation when you asked why she didn't want you to go, but you're starting to question that reasoning now. If she really wanted to protect you from fainting, why did she send you to bring the General his clothes?
That seems a lot more exciting than being yelled at by the old woman again.
The basket filled with his clothes is also quite heavy and hard to hold with your sweaty palms, a lot harder than the eight hangers that you could simply hug against your body, letting the clothes drape over your crossed arms.
But you really don't want to tell Mira that you don't want to bring him his clothes. It's already embarrassing enough that you are officially no longer allowed to bring clothes to Baghra because of your illness. If you now say you can't bring the General of the Second Army his stupid socks, you might as well resign from your position and go back to your families farm in the middle of nowhere.
He's probably not even in his office. He's a busy man, after all. You will just swoop in, place his laundry basket on the floor next to the door, and take the basket with his dirty laundry back to be cleaned.
A simple job. You're scared for no reason. And even if he is there, he never interacts with the servants. You haven't seen him once since you started working in the Little Palace, and you know several other servants who have been here for longer and have never seen him either.
It'll be fine.
You repeat those words to yourself over and over until you finally see the dark, beautifully carved wooden doors that lead to the Darklings quarters.
The oprichniki standing in front of them eye you suspiciously, but they knock and open the door for you anyways, stepping aside to let you in.
They close the door behind you as soon as you're inside, and your gaze automatically swoops up to the man sitting at the desk at the other end of the room. You planned to just drop the basket off and get the dirty one, but now that you're actually here and in front of the General, you can't bring yourself to move.
There's a tingling sensation at the back of your neck, like your brain is trying to dig up a memory that isn't there anymore. Like you've seen this man before, but you don't remember where.
He's bent over his desk, his dark eyes reading through a thick, several pages long letter, paying you no attention while you shamelessly stare and try to remember where you could've possibly seen him.
He has definitely never been to your village. He is the Darkling.
A sigh leaves his lips after a few agonizing seconds, but he does not look up.
You're starting to get a headache now. The bottle feels like it's going to burst.
"Drop the basket off at the door. The dirty laundry is in my bedroom. Simply go through the door on the right and you'll find it."
You take a step backwards, your back hitting the door as you try your hardest not to drop the basket. There is a name right on the tip of your tongue, demanding you speak it into the silence lingering in the room.
The headache is now a sharp pain, right at the base of your skull. It feels almost like a warning. Like your body is begging you not to say it. To simply get the laundry and leave and never come back. To not let the botte burst.
"Aleksander?"
He looks up, eyes widening when his gaze finds your face. He whispers your name so quietly you almost miss it.
The bottle bursts.
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yelenasbraid · 1 year
Text
𝐛𝐮𝐨𝐲 — 𝒌𝒂𝒛 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒌𝒌𝒆𝒓
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summary — a heist gone wrong showcases your unique abilities as an energy summoner, but also brings deep-rooted feelings to light.
warnings — fem!grisha!reader, mentions of past trauma, angst, touch aversion, maybe some ooc kaz bc this is my first time writing him
note — look, i love wanda maximoff’s abilities so that’s what i’m playing off of lol. also, shadow and bone is my new hyperfixation so pls bear with me
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𝐍𝐎 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 that you were grisha. you faired well under the disguise of a ravkan refugee of the civil war. you thought it worked, even bypassing the ingenious mind of kaz brekker.
it was a plan you had the moment you ran from the little palace. your kind — grisha energy summoners as they called you — were an extreme rarity, yet somehow, the monarchs were able to have three, including you. when the darkling learned that you could also read and manipulate the mind, he became frightened. instead of working with you, he worked against you. he slaughtered the only other two known energy summoners, and you ran, never looking back.
you didn't want anyone learning of the price on your head, especially in a place like ketterdam where kruge was more valuable than someone’s life. so, when you began to work for dirtyhands, you kept your secret under wraps. you swore to never use your abilities while you were in ketterdam, however long that was.
until now.
you were hired because of your abilities, but what you told everyone else was that you had a way of being one step ahead. everytime. you didn’t want the others to know about your abilities, and you were wary of kaz knowing, but he was your boss and you’d rather him know then find out.
which brings you to your current situation. you’d been found out by the stadwatch trying to nab some merchant’s pretty penny. you were the distraction while everyone else had their roles. your flirting apparently wasn’t enough to keep the wealthy families at this elaborate dinner party from speculating.
so, you were running. the shouts of the stadwatch were behind you, and if you weren’t wearing a dress that weighed enough to be another person, you’d be out of that party by now. everyone else was in front of you, and you kept up with them for the most part. that was until the ceiling above you shook, probably from the number of bullets it took, and your heart dropped to your feet. you’d refrained from using your abilities so far, but you knew that ceiling was going to collapse. panic rose in your chest, your stomach twisted with anxiety but you knew that the only way to make it out of there alive was to stop that ceiling from crushing you. you slowed your pace, feeling warmth begin to pool in your stomach. you concentrated the energy into your hands, your fingers curling around the energy that pooled to the surface. you skidded to a halt and pushed one hand out, giving the crows the shove they needed to clear the ceiling, while the other was lifted, holding up the section of ceiling that was on the brink of collapse.
“y/n!” nina whirled around, having felt herself pushed a little farther along. her eyes were met with you, your hands supporting a scarlet blanket that surged across the ceiling. she’d heard about energy summoners, the power they held; nina believed they’d all been extinguished. apparently they hadn’t.
kaz’s eyes fell on you, your face contorted in an uncomfortable expression. he knew about your abilities, but he’d never seen you use them. until now.
he didn’t dare speak, worried he’d break your concentration. the stadwatch neared and stopped at the sight, and kaz saw a fear flash across your features. anxiety of his own bubbled within his chest, his breath becoming staggered. as much as he hated to admit it, he didn’t want to watch you die. he needed you.
“go! i’ll find you!” you strained, your eyes briefly meeting kaz’s. no. he’d never leave without any member of his crows, especially you. he felt his stomach twist with the realization that if he didn’t get the others out, he’d be a dead man. or worse, imprisoned.
so, he turned and left, praying to whatever saints inej believed in that you’d make it back to them. to him.
how you managed to escape was a blur. you made the parts of the ceiling around you fall, but held up the piece above your head. the patrol of stadwatch was eliminated, but you knew more would be on the way. you tossed the remaining piece to the side, clambered over the ruble and ran. adrenaline coursed through your veins, your skin hot to the touch. when you’re far enough away, and the adrenaline slowed, your world spun. you wobbled, falling hard into a wall. you winced as your shoulder exploded with pain, but you needed a minute. your mind was foggy, your eyes watered and your whole body ached. now everyone was going to know an energy summoner was in ketterdam, and not just that, but was with kaz brekker. you didn’t have the energy to decide if that was a good thing or not yet.
you pushed yourself off the wall, and made your way back to the slat.
kaz sat at a table, the crowd sitting around him. his hands were on the crow’s head of his cane, his eyes lost in the texture of the wooden table top. you had yet to make it back, and he had this sinking feeling you’d perished. he blinked and stood up; he couldn’t wait much longer.
“kaz, she might still be out there,” inej argued.
“if she hasn’t returned by now, she’s most likely either dead or caught,” he snapped. he was worried, and he felt anxiety wrap it’s tail around his legs, the water rising up to his knees. it wouldn’t be so manageable for much longer.
the door opened, shifting the gaze of the crows from the table to whoever walked in.
“y/n,” nina whispered, rushing over to you from her seat at the table. she embraced you, but your body ached terribly from your stunt earlier. the other crows came over, expressing their gratitude for your safety. the only one who didn’t follow was kaz. which was no surprise to you.
“since when were you an energy summoner?” nina asked, a playful grin blooming onto her face.
“since i was tested at the ripe age of 10,” you managed to croak out, a small smile on your face. nina laughed, finally being able to breathe.
“you could have told us sooner,” jesper sighed. you nodded your head in agreement.
kaz watched on. he watched as you leaned into the embraces of your friends, allowing yourself to smile even. he itched for that contact, yet just at the thought of embracing you the waters rose. he didn’t want to drown, not while he was in front of them. of you.
“when you’re finished y/n, i need to speak with you privately,” it was his way of asking to be alone with you, to express his anxieties and even his irritation. you willingly were going to sacrifice yourself for their survival. he wasn’t ok with that.
kaz retreated up to his office and you soon followed.
the door closed behind the both of you, and you were met with the uncomfortable silence of kaz’s office. it wasn’t always uncomfortable. you found yourself enjoying the quiet nature of his office some days, having a book to keep yourself busy with.
“you were reckless,” he rested his cane against his desk as he placed his hands on the surface of it.
“you would have died if i hadn’t of held that ceiling up,” you countered.
“you could have died, or worse, have been caught,” he argued. his eyes met yours, and he saw how the lantern light reflected on your features. you looked even more exhausted in this lighting than you had downstairs, but still just as beautiful.
“i handled it,”
“i’m aware, but you’re not understanding me. if you’d died…” he trailed off, the bile that burned his stomach stopping him from continuing. he didn’t deserve you. you knew how to handle yourself, and there were days where kaz could barely keep the waters at bay.
“i didn’t,” you whispered. you didn’t read his mind, even though you could have. the crease in his forehead and the staggered breathing told you enough. you stepped closer, your hips brushing up against his desk. he looked up at you, and for once, the waters calmed, sinking back down to around his ankles. you were the buoy that kept him afloat, and if he lost you, he’d completely unravel.
“i don’t want to lose you. i can’t lose you,” the confession caught you off guard, but it relieved you all at the same time. so your feelings for your boss weren’t crazy.
“you won’t lose me that easily,” you assured him. you reached out with your hand, hovering it above his. he didn’t flinch away from the heat that radiated from you, but he didn’t move towards it either. your hand brushed against his gloved one, and he felt the warmth permeate through his gloves and through his body; you were warm, you were alive. the gesture told him one thing: his feelings were reciprocated.
“i’ll let you know if i decide to do something reckless again,” your tone was light, and kaz saw a smile blossoming onto your face. it was a sight that he wished he could frame and hang up in his heart. you moved your hand away and placed it in front of you.
“you won’t be doing anything so reckless again anyways,” he remained stern, but in that moment you both knew that he was fighting the urge to smile. he’d fallen for you, and he knew you were going to be the end of him.
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y’all this one was LONG. i’m so sorry, i got a bit carried away. i hope you enjoyed and i may be writing more for kaz in the future, maybe even some of freddy ;)
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mixed-imagination · 1 year
Text
A Grisha's Affair - Nikolai x Grisha!Reader x Kirigan (part 1)
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PAIRING: Nikolai Lantsov x Fem!Grisha!reader x General Kirigan ♡
NOTE: This is the first part of a short two parter.
*** Requested by @seronsalk
*** Beautiful golden divider created by @saradika ♡♡♡
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As you neared the rear entrance of the Little Palace, your heart raced within your chest, drumming a quick and frantic beat. You had pushed yourself to the limit, sprinting down the forest path until your lungs burned and your breath came in ragged gasps. You cursed yourself and wondered why you had driven yourself to that point anyway.
A sudden memory flooded your mind, creating a rush of emotions.
You pounded on Nikolai's door. You weren't sure why you were so eager to see him, but you chalked it up to wanting only to say goodbye.
The door swung open to reveal Nikolai standing in his untied robe. His face seemed surprised to see you, but with one look at you, he greeted you with a big smile "Y/N, isn’t it past your curfew, little miss Durast?
You mirrored his smile but furrowed your brows, "I'm no longer a child, Nikolai."
"No, you certainly are not." His gaze descended your figure which made your cheeks hot. You were suddenly aware of how exposed and vulnerable you were. There you stood, before this handsome prince, in a thin, lace night dress and silk robe.
You wrapped your robe tighter around your frame, praying Nikolai did not catch a glimpse of the cold night air exposing your natural body, "Let me in."
"Won't you get in trouble with your Darkling?”
"I haven't seen him in weeks," you pushed past him and headed straight to the opposite side of his room. You settled in front of his desk, leaning your hands back against the chair.
Nikolai shut the door and his smile widened. He waited for you to continue speaking but it didn't come, so he responded, "Am I his replacement then?"
“General Kirigan?”
“The one and only Darkling.”
"What, no, of course not. First off, he’s my superior, and you’re no way near—" You huffed, "Stop. I'm not here to be questioned by you."
Nikolai laughed, "Right. Go on then."
The halls were dimly lit, and you realized you had never ventured through the palace this late before. You prayed that no one had noticed you sneaking back in after your late-night rendezvous. You didn't want to risk General Kirigan finding out about your secret meetings.
The unfamiliarity of your surroundings and the thought of what might be waiting for you made you quicken your pace as fast as you could without running. As you rounded the next corner, your hand instinctively went to your chest, trying to calm the erratic beating of your heart.
You crossed your arms, "So tomorrow you leave again."
"As soon as the sun rises, I'm off," Nikolai did not come closer to you. Instead, he copied your position and leaned his back against the door frame.
You found your gaze inevitably drawn to the way his torso muscles rippled underneath his robe with each subtle movement, causing you to bite your lip in frustration at the unyielding distance between you.
"And where are you going to this time?"
"Novyi Zem." Your chest ached, knowing well how long the journey would be. "There's a talented Fabrikator there that's willing to create a strong steel for my newest creation."
Your jaw dropped slightly. You were slightly offended but your playful tone remained, "What? Fabrikator? Have you forgotten I'm a durast? You could've asked me to—"
Nikolai finally stepped forward and raised his hands, "Y/N no, you're one of my closest friends, I couldn't—"
Friend.
A memory of his mouth on yours suddenly flashed in your mind.
Friends don't kiss.
You ignored it.
Breathless and with a light sheen of sweat on your forehead, you finally reached the entrance to your wing of the palace. You could see the guards standing, their eyes watching your every move.
You tried to act casual, as if you had simply been out for a stroll in the gardens, but your heart was racing with fear. What if they could somehow sense your guilt and apprehend you on the spot?
You approached them with a smile and a greeting, hoping to deflect their attention. They nodded politely, but you could tell they were eyeing you suspiciously.
As you made your way down your long corridor, you felt relieved to see the door to your bedroom. You couldn't believe you had gotten away with it.
You giggled to yourself, remembering once again.
"Saints, Nikolai, that's exactly why you should've asked me!" your head tilted and you tutted, "I bet I could do your fabrikator better."
"Better than 80,000 tensile strength?"
"100,000 tensile strength and more!"
He threw his head back, "Oh no, you're joking. Really?"
Your face broke into a big grin. "Yes, yes, yes, you bet your royal arse I can,” you laughed.
Like always, you fell into an ongoing easy conversation with Nikolai. Talking with him was breath of fresh air as you had a natural understanding of each other. Your conversations always felt like a plunge into an infinite pool that contained both his thoughts and yours.
As you listened to him speak about his latest invention, you couldn't help but get lost in not only his words but also in his boyishly handsome features. His dark blonde hair was perfectly messy and his blue eyes sparkled with mischief. You stared at the way his lips moved and how the sharpness of his jawline accentuated with every sentence.
You tried to focus, but your mind kept wandering to other things, like how it would feel to run your hands through his hair and kiss him again. A heat suddenly began to rise in your cheeks, your attraction to him growing more obvious.
Nikolai stood only a few feet away from you now. He started to notice how your eyes seemed to linger on him a little longer than usual. "Are you alright, Y/N?"
You blinked and nodded, "Oh yes, I am."
"Good," he beamed and stepped closer. "So tell me. Why have you come? I've never seen you out this late."
You shrugged, avoiding his eyes, "What? I can't come and spend quality time with my closest friend?"
"Not at this hour, little miss goodie two shoes," he smirked.
You turned with your back facing him now and looked down at his desk, feigning interest in the papers placed on it. "Maybe I wanted to say goodbye. As a friend should."
He scoffed, "Don't say you're actually going to miss me when I'm gone."
"A good, best, closest friend would."
Nikolai was right behind you now. The third time you exaggerated the word, a knowing shit-eating grin grew across his face. "You sound like you have an issue with being my friend."
You finally entered your room and firmly pressed both palms against the door, shutting it behind you. Leaning your forehead against the cool wood, you lingered in that stance, still lost in your reverie.
"I am but your friend Nikolai, I have no issue."
Unexpectedly, the weight of his hand resting on your shoulder sent a shiver down your spine, your silk robe providing little barrier between his warm palm and your skin. It felt as though his touch had set your nerves alight, leaving you with goosebumps despite the delicate fabric that separated you.
His thumb began tracing circles on your shoulder, and you couldn't help but lean into his touch. You felt his fingers slowly making their way down your arm, gently squeezing your skin. He was leaving a trail of fire along your shoulder as they traveled back up to your neck, only to slowly descend down again. With a deft movement, he pulled your silk robe down your shoulder. The unexpected touch sent a jolt of desire through your body.
"You stubborn thing. You don't want to be my friend, Y/N?"
He then swept your hair away, revealing a tantalizing sliver of skin to his gaze. As he leaned down, you felt his warm breath tickling your ear. "Nikolai," you whispered breathlessly.
"Why are you really here, love?" his voice was low and seductive.
You suddenly felt wet, tender kisses trail down your neck, causing your core to ignite. The sound of your mingled breaths and the soft smack of his lips sucking against your skin filled the air. Each touch of his lips made you feel like you were melting, completely powerless to resist him.
His strong hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer into him. You could feel his lower abdomen pressing hard against your backside, making you feel weak in the knees. Without warning, he spun you around to face him, his intense gaze locking onto yours. He leaned in for a kiss with his arms still wrapped tightly around you, as if never wanting to let go.
In that moment, all your doubts and fears faded away. It was just you and him, lost in each other.
You replayed the memory over and over again in your mind. The softness of his lips, the way his hands cupped your face, and the way you felt as though time stood still in that moment. You sighed, sinking further into the memory when a voice interrupted your thoughts.
"Penny for your thoughts, Y/N?"
Your heart skipped a beat, startled out of your reverie. As you turned around, your eyes landed on a tall, dark figure.
"Aleksander!"
The corners of his mouth curved upward, "You seemed to be lost in thought, milaya."
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♡ part two coming soon....
soooo my brain was formulating the idea for this concept, and originally it was just supposed to be a one part one shot, but idk i just went off LOL. like holy, i went down a rabbit hole and came back up with enough plot for a series.
should i write a series? let me know what you think!!!
if i do, im imagining there'll be some mutual pining, angst, fluff, and spiiiice - wink wink wink -
if you enjoyed, please support me and my writing by giving me a like, reblog, or follow! thanks ♡♡♡
♡ gage
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beautysamour · 1 year
Text
Your beauty never ever scared me
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Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader
Summary: figuring out you were a descendant of the darkling messed up everything. with all the backlash you received because of this, your self esteem takes a blow. the company of a certain prince causes you to realize that you aren’t the monster you began to think you were.
warnings: some angst but this has a happy ending
a/n: the nikolai brain rot is real 😔🫶 enjoy! Also this is set before it’s revealed that mal is the third amplifier.
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No. No, Baghra was wrong. You knew who you were and who your family was, she was wrong.
You’ve been going over the pieces of dialogue you had with Baghra ever since the sun set in your bed- well one of the palace’ bed. You couldn’t wrap your head around the idea of being related to him, to sharing his blood, his power.
To having any connection with the darkling.
You were never discovered by the grisha as a kid. Whenever the testers came by, your parents would give you a small cut somewhere on your body that could easily be hidden and at the time you didn’t think much of it- because you could barely remember them doing that.
You never had a good relationship with your parents so you didn’t think anything of it when they’d hurt you. It was just normal.
You never necessarily feared grisha, but you always feared the Fold and by extension, the power of the darkling. To think that all it would take for the Fold to get worse was to piss him off.
And piss him off you did.
During his little demonstration with Alina in the Fold, he tried to get you to join him thinking that you knew. That interaction finally made sense to you.
Feeling your head start to hurt and feeling even worse after realizing what’s in your blood, you turn off the lights in your room and go to bed.
“I hope I’m not ruining your day too much, sweetheart.”
Nikolai woke you up early this morning and asked for you to accompany him on a horse ride, “just for fun.” he said.
You knew better though, Nikolai never batted an eye at you since you boarded his- sturmhond-, ship. Alina was always more interesting. You knew that you were respected once you got the palace though, Tolya continuously singed out praises of your name to the army.
You knew that people in the palace had no problem with your presence, until now. Until people learned that you were grisha. Not everyone knows you’re related to the Darkling however, only a few people know.
Including Nikolai.
So you knew better. You knew that the only reason why you were with him right now is because he was told to keep an eye on you, to supervise you. You were now considered to be scum, as you were grisha.
“Wasn’t planning on doing much today, so I’m fine.”
You heard a soft snicker come from Nikolai’ direction but chose to keep your eyes forward and focused on the path in front of you two.
“Right,” he says with a slight grin on his face, “I’m glad, I’d never want to ruin a pretty girls’ mood.” From your peripheral you could see Nikolai observing you, looking for a reaction. He’s use to the normal flush of the cheeks and a stutter through a sentence, but you had no reaction to hearing him call you pretty. He had a rather flirty personality so his words meant nothing to you.
You remained silent hoping he would drop the conversation. You didn’t have anything against Nikolai, you actually really liked him. You could tell that he was going to be the king that Ravka needs.
But there was too much on your mind for you to be able to have small talk.
Nikolai suddenly let out a distressed sigh, “I have a meeting to get to sweetheart, if Vasily wasn’t getting on my back every hour of the day I would’ve stayed all day out here with you,” he pulls the reigns on his horse and turns towards the palaces’ direction, “let’s go back?” He gives you a small guilty smile and tilts his head resembling a puppy begging for a treat.
You nod feeing glad that you’ll be able to fully indulge in your thoughts and pull the reigns on your horse, riding back to the palace.
“She’s a monster!”
Nikolai was tempted to raise his voice, he and Vasily have been at it for the past hour. Yesterday, news got out that you were grisha- the soldiers gossip- and Vasily immediately told Nikolai that he should make you leave. Nikolai fought back against that idea and to get Vasily to shut up for at least a day about you, he agreed to “spy” on you.
“Nothing has changed, she’s still the same person Tolya constantly praised, and that you wanted as your bride.”
Nikolai did not want to have this conversation again. You were still the same girl he met on the ship, the two of you may have not interacted as much but he still saw you.
You were nothing like the Darkling and he had no problem reminding his brother of how infatuated he was with you.
“That was before I realized she was his kin, a monster just like him!” Nikolai clenched his jaw, finding it harder to control his raising temper. Vasily paced around his room, repeatedly mumbling out curses in the remembrance of previously touching you.
He was disgusted and he, like many other people in the palace, wanted you gone. He stopped pacing when Nikolai straightened his back before getting up from his chair and walking to the door of the room, indicating that this little meeting was over. “Nikolai,” Vasily called out in a strained voice, “Think about the people.”
Nikolai felt his body freeze. Think about the people. Oh, he was thinking about the people. You were no threat, maybe to your enemies but not his people. Not wanting to lash out at his brother, Nikolai took a sharp breath and rolled his shoulders back. “Good night, brother,” he decides to say. He faces his body towards him and while still trying to keep his composure, he sends his brother a sharp glare with eyes filled with pure irritation, “I will not change my mind.”
You pressed your head further into your pillow trying to block out the obnoxious knocks that were coming from your door. Who could possibly already be in need of your presence?
After a few more seconds of the continuous knocks getting more aggressive and louder, you gave in to the persistent demands for you to open the door and got up.
“It’s really quite early,” you said through loose lips. You abruptly finished your sentence, a slight feeling of panic rushing into your body. Nikolai Lantsov. He was here again, the people must be getting more weary of you if he felt the need to visit you again.
You didn’t bother fixing up your hair or straightening out your evening wear before opening the door and you greatly regretted not doing so at the moment, you dropped your shoulders feeling embarrassed that he saw you in an unprofessional state.
He put on a slight smile in attempt to charm you, which he succeeded at, you internally pushed away that feeling of giddiness and straightened your posture waiting for him to speak.
“Yes it is quite early, that’s why I came here,” his eyes trail down your body and back up to your eyes before outstretching an arm, “breakfast?”
“Uh,” you stutter out, “sure, just let me…clean myself up.” You awkwardly moved your gaze from him trying to avoid how awkward this situation was as you closed your door- his was mid sentence in saying of course he’ll wait- but your door closed before he was able to finish.
You sat down in the chair that was in front of a middle sized mirror just above the table. You stared at your reflection for a few seconds before bringing your hands up to cover your face and curling your body into yourself. You much prefer not having the Prince’ attention.
It’s been a little over three months since Nikolai invited you for breakfast and you’ve begun to question his actual intentions.
He comes to your room each morning and invites you for breakfast and shares most of his hours with you, but all of these hangouts tend to follow your own terms.
If you wanted to go back to your room, Nikolai would simply walk you to your room, kiss the back of your hand, and continue his day without you. Usually you’d be the one to reach out to him during these days if you decided you wanted to be outside your room again.
You almost forgot that he had a duty as being a prince and that you were related to their current number one enemy. And you almost forgot that people still feared grisha. Almost.
People talk and rumors spread fast, you and Nikolai weren’t invisible whenever you two walked around the palace grounds. Inevitably people began to gossip.
Nikolai was always with you, he spoke of finding a bride openly around you which has caused some people to theorize about your relationship with him. The most common theory was that you were using him, that you used your grisha powers as a threat against him, that you would hurt the people if he did not enter a romantic relationship with you.
You tried to block them out. Nikolai never brought those rumors up so you assumed he just never heard them, well you weren’t going to be the one to tell him about it. What if he hears them then realizes that they might be right, that he was an idiot for ever letting his guard down around you.
As much as you tried to ignore it, you couldn’t deny the way your heart would race every morning, every time he knocked on your door and offered his arm. Every time he’d invite you into his personal quarters and give you that stupid smile paired with a tilt of his head that made you want to do anything he’d ask of you.
He made you feel like you weren’t a monster, that you weren’t a threat. You didn’t want to loose his trust, and you didn’t want to loose him. The amount of trust he has put in you threw you in for a loop, you’ve been constantly arguing with yourself over whether or not he’s being genuine or is still keeping an eye on you.
You couldn’t fault him if he was just doing this to keep an eye on you still, the Darkling has been visiting you, just like he was been with Alina.
“Sweetheart?”
You immediately tore your eyes away from the food in front of you after hearing his voice. In front of you; Nikolai was leaning slightly forward his eyebrows furrowed giving his face a worried expression.
“Yes?” You replied. You don’t know how long it’s been since you zoned out, but when you pick up your silver ware to put some of the food in your mouth it was cold.
Nikolai let out a breath that you didn’t realize he was holding, “Did you hear what I said?”
Shit.
You opened your mouth to say a lie, yes, but you knew that he’d immediately call your bluff. He was observant, too observant sometimes. He had a talent for reading people.
“No,” you decided to say, “sorry, I zoned out.”
He leaned back in his chair and relaxed his eyebrows, sighing while running a hand through his hair. “I’ve been telling you about my day and you zone out? Do I really not matter to you?” He whines.
Nikolai had a thing for theatrics, especially when it was to tease someone. Seeing that you had no regret in your gaze towards him, he lets out another breath and gives in to the smile he was holding back.
“That’s alright, this means that I can spend more time with you.” His wholesome smile now turning into a flirtatious grin, he puts his forearms on the table and leans closer to your face, “I do quite enjoy your company anyways.” His smile slightly drops as his eyes also fall to your lips then back to your eyes.
Lately you two have been having more moments like this, where the two of you fall into moments like these where Nikolai’ flirting feels more genuine.
The one thing that hasn’t changed throughout these few months of you two hanging out was that you knew better. Flirting was a regular thing for Nikolai, and because of that you let out a laugh causing Nikolai to lean back; seeming to now be avoiding your gaze.
“Nikolai, don’t tell me you’ve fallen for me? The big bad grisha,” you tease. You felt a little disappointed at seeing that he was avoiding your gaze, Nikolai wasn’t the type to back away from flirting. You lean forward on the table, “Saints Nikolai, if you’re going to flirt then at least commit to it.”
Taking your teasing tone as a dare, he returned his gaze to you and leaned forward on the table coming dangerously close to your face. This time you were taken aback, and ever the observer, he saw. He accompanied his smug expression with a smirk, “Is that what you want? For me to commit? To you.” His voice turned into a whisper as he finished his sentence.
He waited for you to do something. He wanted to see how long you’d last, for what exactly, well only Nikolai really knows that.
You counted your heartbeats, and three heartbeats later Nikolai dropped his gaze and turned his head as he let out a snicker, “Just messing around princess,” he straightened his back and got out of his seat, “we leave before sundown.”
You watched as he left the dining area, a little confused at what he meant about leaving before sundown but then you remembered; the mission.
“Shit.”
“Nikolai,” you called out to him as you walked into his tent, “why is my tent all the way on the other side of camp?”
This mission really wasn’t that dangerous compared to everything else that was going on but you didn’t want to gamble Nikolai’ life, since he was a prince.
“Good evening to you to sweetheart,” he said in a lighthearted tone before putting down the letter in his hand, “can’t keep your mind off of me?”
He was right, you couldn’t.
You let out a scoff slightly annoyed, “What if you get attacked? And I’m all the way on the other side of camp- I wouldn’t be able to help!”
Mirroring his actions earlier in the day, his refused to meet your gaze as he leaned back in his chair. “If I were to get attacked, you’d be safe. I have people with me- fighters who’ll be able to protect me if I somehow am not able to protect myself. You don’t need to worry.”
You exhaled as you felt yourself deflate. You wanted to say more but you knew that it wouldn’t matter once the conversation ended. All you would’ve succeeded at was creating some unnecessary tension between the two of you, with you being annoyed, which Nikolai thought was already out of character with you getting upset about something so small, and Nikolai being busy.
You glanced back at him before turning around to leave his tent, resembling a toddler who got upset after hearing they couldn’t get a toy they wanted.
Hearing your footsteps get further away, Nikolai lifted his head and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before shaking his head and picking up the letter again.
Nikolai lifted his head from his desk as soon as he heard a deafening scream, immediately on high alert and running out of his tent. The first thing that greeted Nikolai were soldiers running. Tents were on fire and the once peaceful camp was now overwhelmed with chaos.
Instead of his first thought being to get his people out of this ambushed camp, which was his second, he wanted to get to you. Now he regretted putting your tent on the other side of camp, now he had no idea where you were or if you were ok.
He started running to your side of the camp before getting blocked by a drüskelle-
“Desjenet!” yelled out the drüskelle. Nikolai began to reach out for his sword but made no action to take it out yet. “I’m not grisha-“
“But you protect them,” seethed out the drüskelle, “you are an enemy if you protect them.”
Not leaving anytime for Nikolai to respond, the drüskelle lunged forward but was never able to make contact with Nikolai. The man began to sway before falling apart. His head, upper body, and lower body all disconnect from each other as he falls to the ground, a dark wisp of smoke fading into the air as he does.
Nikolai didn’t take much time looking at the corpse in front of him when he heard another scream, forcing him to look up and see who was responsible for the death.
You. There you are standing in front of him, seemingly frozen in place and regret immediately floods into your veins. You just killed some using his power. You looked up at Nikolai and suddenly felt the need to throw up. So much to not wanting him to see you as a monster.
Nikolai, remembering that someone screamed, moved his gaze to the soldier a few feet away from you who had seemed to have seen you kill a man using the Darkling’ power. “Monster…” the soldier whimpered out before running away.
Nikolai had the urge to curse out his soldier but swallowed that urge down, the camp was still on fire and the two of you needed to get out. He ran over to you and grabbed you by the arm. “Are you alright,” he asks. You avoid his gaze. When you don’t answer he begins to start running, with his hand still on your arm dragging you through the camp, trying to find a horse.
He felt you stiffen and he felt you resist your urge to pull away from him. He wanted to look back at you, to talk to you face to face and assure himself that you’re alright but he decides against it. You guys will talk once you get back to the little palace.
You’ve been in Nikolai’ personal quarters before but you’ve never been on his bed. You’re sure your thoughts would’ve been completely incoherent if you weren’t so caught up about using the cut.
Saints, you were truly a monster.
Nikolai entered the room, he was checking up with his soldiers and making sure everyone or at least most of the people who were at the camp came back here. If there were any that didn’t, a rescue squad was already sent out.
You didn’t bother to look at Nikolai as he sat down on the edge of his bed next to you. You couldn’t look at him, you didn’t even want him to speak. You couldn’t bare to hear him call you a monster-
“Are you alright,” he says instead.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
He chuckles. You thought you’d never hear that again, you never he thought he’d bring you back to the palace.
“I’m alright. Now, are you going to give me an answer?”
You don’t give him an answer for a few seconds. Then suddenly the confusion become to hard to contain, “Why did you bring me back here?”
He turns his head to you and tilts it, now being the confused one, “You’re one of my soldiers, why would I not?”
“Because I’m a monster!” You blurt out. You don’t get why he cared, and now you’re really questioning if he was just spying on you the entire time or not, it seems like he was not.
“I’m not just a grisha Nikolai, I’m related to the enemy, I used to his power to kill someone right in front of you! Now everyone in the palace knows I’m related to him, all the soldiers are weary of me and it makes it even worse that I’m close to you. You’re reputation is getting corrupted because you’ve been seen with me.”
He doesn’t answer, he just keeps his eyes on you and lets you continue.
“The people think I’m- that I’m using my power to manipulate you and seeing how you had no reaction to me using the cut, they might come to some stupid conclusion that you’re actually conspiring with the enemy-“
“Y/N.” He finally interrupts, “Is that what’s been on your mind for these past few months?”
The last time he called you by your name was when he was Sturmhond. Hearing him call you by your name succeeded at making your heart ache even more.
“Yes,” you say, “so I don’t understand why I’m still here.”
You turn your head to meet his eyes and regret it immediately. The amount of intensity in his eyes is enough to make you choke on your saliva.
“Do you want to take a shower?” He asks. You can’t figure out if he’s trying to change the topic or maybe you just smell that bad. Maybe changing the topic is what you needed before you end up having a full on mental break down in front of him.
“Ok,” you whisper. Nikolai gets up and walks to his bathroom, soon you hear the sound of water entering his bathtub. Noticing that you didn’t follow him, Nikolai sticks his head out of his bathroom and gestures you to come into his bathroom.
Even though the atmosphere was rather uncomfortable, you still…liked him. So being invited into such a personal space still managed to make you shy.
Nikolai is leaning against his bathtub when you enter his bathroom. Hearing you enter, Nikolai lifts his head up to look at you then glances at your face, your hair, and your body before getting up to give you some alone time.
Getting a random surge of boldness you grab his hand and keep him in place. He turns his head to look at you and tilts his head in confusion, once again resembling a puppy.
“Can you…stay,” you cringe internally after hearing those words come out and avoid his gaze as you feel your cheeks flush. You hear a cough, as if someone was trying to stifle a laugh.
“Ok.”
You’re thankful that he doesn’t tease you for asking him to stay, the atmosphere is still rather uncomfortable for that.
He keeps his back turned to give you some privacy as you undress. Once you finish undressing, you fold your clothes and tuck them into a corner that you were sure wouldn’t get wet.
You cleared your throat once you fully got into the tub, “You can turn around now.”
From your peripheral, you see Nikolai sit down on a stool that was right next to his bathtub. “Do you need help cleaning yourself?” He asks.
You should’ve shaken your head because you’re fully capable of cleaning yourself, but you couldn’t fight back the giddiness in you that manifested at the thought of a physically intimate moment with Nikolai. So you nod.
Nikolai picks up a small towel and rubs it on a bar of soap before putting it on your body. You hoped he wasn’t able to see your red face as you flushed even more when he started moving the towel.
“You aren’t a monster.” He says instead once again, “You haven’t changed at all,” you turned your head to look at him but he didn’t meet your eyes, his eyes focused on your body as he cleaned it. “You’re still the same girl that boarded Sturmhond’ ship. You’re still caring, and thoughtful. You still overthink and stress too much on what other people think of you, but you’re also confident at the same time. You know your worth and you simply want to make sure other people do to.” He moves you hair out of the way as he moves the towel to the back of your neck.
“Actually maybe you aren’t the same girl I met. But you’re not to blame for that.” You didn’t think it was possible but your heartbeat began to thump even harder at feeling his hand, even though it was separated by a towel, on your neck. Oh, and also by his words. You didn’t think he noticed you that much when he was Sturmhond.
Suddenly he looked up and you looked away.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc-
“You aren’t the Darkling. You saved me. Well I mean, drüskelle are strong, I admit, but they wouldn’t have been able to kill me.”
You could hear the grin on his face, it was attempt to lighten the mood, to see if you felt better.
“You’re power doesn’t determine what you are, Y/N, how you use it determines that. And as far as I’m concerned, you haven’t used it unjustly.” He curled his index finger under your chin and put his thumb on your chin to turn your head, so you’d finally be looking at him. “Don’t let your fear of your power determine your worth.”
Your breath hitched in your throat as you got lost in his eyes. Yes, you were listening to him and it made your heart ache in a good way at hearing his words, but feeling his touch made it difficult to concentrate.
“Ok,” you whispered. You looked down, fully processing his words. You weren’t a monster. You weren’t a monster.
You weren’t a monster.
Noticing the sides of your lips slowly lift, Nikolai felt a small smile form on his face and lets go of your face. He failed to see how the sides of your lips slightly went down.
Feeling that the atmosphere felt more light, you attempted to make a joke, “Well, are you just going to sit there?”
“Hm?” Nikolai raises an eyebrow at your question. Did you want him out…?
“You’re not going to join me?”
Without missing a beat, Nikolai speaks up, “Do you want me to?” It wasn’t meant to be teasing, but it easily came off as such.
Fully expecting Nikolai to say something a little more…bold, his nonchalant yet teasing question caused you to look away from him, again, feeling embarrassed at your bold “joke.”
Nikolai lets out a laugh that makes you swoon. Saints, the affect this man had on you was embarrassing.
“Saints Y/N, if you’re going to flirt then at least commit to it.” He says, mirroring your previous conversation.
You turn your head back at him and take a moment to figure out what you want to say in return, you decide to say something you’ve heard before. Leaning slightly towards him but still managing to cover your cleavage, you say, “Is that what you want? For me to commit? To you.”
Nikolai freezes completely, not sure how to react to that. Yes, he wants you to commit, he wants you, but do you want him? He’s sure that he’s been interpreting your feelings as romantic correct, but he still had that thought of just maybe, maybe he was wrong.
Nikolai was never one to back off from a challenge however, so he leans forward and rests his forearms of his knees; leaning in closer to your face, “Yes,” he says, “I do.”
He brings one his hands up to the side of your face and cups it, leaning in closer but leaving enough room to still be able to back away if he was reading this all wrong. He looks into your eyes and practically pleads for your approval, for you to let him kiss you.
When all you do is lean closer, Nikolai fully closes the distance and connects his lips with yours.
As one could expect from a kiss with Nikolai, it was passionate and loving and deep. You could feel how deep his feelings for you ran and you could feel all of his feelings. Growing impatient, for some reason, Nikolai grabbed the back of you neck to deepen the kiss. He brought his other hand up to your bottom lip and brushed it down. Realizing what he wanted, you opened your mouth and to your surprise; Nikolai whined into the kiss.
Finding it funny that Nikolai was a whiner, you began to laugh. It started with small giggles but then turned into actual laughs causing Nikolai to pull away and slightly deadpan at you.
When you didn’t stop laughing, Nikolai leaned back and let out a sigh, opting to just let you finish laughing.
“Sorry, sorry, just didn’t take you as a whiner,” you say before you burst out laughing again.
Nikolai continued to watch you laugh with a slightly annoyed, but adoring, expression before brushing your hair out of your face. “You know, you never answered my question.”
You wipe fake tears out of your eyes as you try to calm down, “huh?”
“When I asked if you wanted me to commit to you, you never gave me an answer.”
“I think my answer is quite obvious now.” You let out a soft laugh before Nikolai spoke again.
“Yes well, I want to hear it.” Nikolai leans forwards again but not as close as before, just close enough to where he could you whisper yell, “I want to hear that you want me.” He finishes with a slight smirk.
You look away from him, getting flustered again. He really wanted to hear you profess your feelings for him, huh.
As you were getting flustered you remembered that Nikolai was a whiner. As much as you wanted Nikolai, he was arguably more desperate for you. So why not tease him a little more?
You leaned forward again, not bothering to cover your cleavage anymore, and pressed your lips onto his, but not necessarily kissing him. “Alright my prince,” you whisper out. The smirk on his lips immediately drop as he tries to kiss you again but then you pull away, and before he could whine again, you leaned forward again. “I want you to commit to me. I want you.” Nikolai could barely focus at feeling your lips brush onto his, feeling as if he didn’t kiss you right here right now, he’d go crazy.
Feeling smug, you pull away from him to which he immediately follows. He puts his hand on the back of your neck once again and pulls you forward, connecting your lips again.
He groaned this time at the feeling of your lips on his.
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bookishdream · 1 year
Text
Spark
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kaz brekker x gn!Inferni!reader
Summary: You and Kaz spending some quality time together
Word count: 1,1k
Being in love with the Bastard of the Barrel was like lighting up a ton of candles, throwing them into a pile and jumping straight into them. It wasn’t easy, it didn’t even look like it would become easy any time soon. But you tried and so did he. 
Kaz cared about you. He showered you with little gifts – a mug of your favourite coffee on your desk when you were working over hours, a compass on your pillow or a single flower in a vase that would always be replaced whenever it started to wither. He didn’t make it obvious that it was from him yet you knew and he was aware that you knew. 
It all started when you came looking for a job. You had been terrified of what could’ve been encountered on the streets of Ketterdam. Not only were you a teenager – already vulnerable because of your age – but also you were Grisha. Inferni to be exact. You had left your home in the western Ravka after you’d lit up your whole village, burning it to the ground along with its inhabitants. You still were scared of whatever untamed power was sleeping in you. 
However, nothing could’ve stayed hidden from Kaz Brekker. He controlled everything that happened in his part of the town, taking notice of a new Grisha roaming Ketterdam’s streets. He’d pulled some strings and somehow you’d wandered into the Crow Club. You’d been shocked, for in your small town there hadn’t been clubs like those you’d seen. Or like this that you had been standing in, exploring its wooden counters, tables for various hazard games, dimmed lights or a staircase that you could’ve only imagined where it led. 
“Are you y/n?” A hoarse voice had said from behind your back. You’d turned around and saw a man your age with his hand placed on a cane, its head looking like it used to belong to some stray crow. “I was wondering how long it would take you to finally come here.” 
“How do you know my name?” You’d questioned your voice no more than a whisper. 
“I have my secrets,” the boy had replied, his cold gaze looking you over. “All you need to know is that we are in need of an Inferni and here you are,” he’d smirked. 
You’d rolled your eyes. Obviously he hadn’t wanted to put you up for a night out of the goodness of his heart. You’d doubted he had a heart at all. 
Since then, you’d been irreplaceable to him. Grisha weren’t popular in Kerch. So you’d stayed, made yourself comfortable and started working with Kaz and his Crows. 
You closed your eyes, sighing deeply. Your head was pounding and your fingers were itching to use some of the magic in you. You’d been so busy all day that you hadn’t even thought about lighting candles in your room. You’d just flipped a switch and started working on the numbers. Not even, what look like ten minutes, the dusk has fallen and your eyes started watering. 
“If you stay a little longer over that, you might smudge the numbers with your tears, love,” the hoarse voice you’ve grown to love said from the threshold. You lifted your head to see Kaz leaning against the wall, his palm still on his cane. He looked like he just came back from whatever he was doing, his hat still on his head and the long coat he adored – even though he wouldn’t admit to liking something – still on his back, buttoned up. 
“It’s okay, I only have one page to finish and I’m done for the night,” you replied tiredly. Your head was still pounding. 
“You look like you’re going to be sick,” he commented, undoing his coat. His ruffled hair was all over the place and you could see the bags under his eyes. 
“The same can be said about you,” you remarked, smirking at him. Kaz only rolled his eyes at you, coming closer to your desk. 
He pulled out his hand towards you and you looked up at him quizzically. When he encouraged you with a slight nod, you took his hand and let him lead you to your bed. He motioned for you to lay down and he did the same on the other side of the bed. He took a deep breath in and started to peel off his gloves from his palms. you watched him in silence, trying to make sense of what he was doing. 
“Have you used your powers today?” Kaz inquired, letting his arm fall beside you, leaving some space between you. 
“No,” you made yourself comfortable on your bed, laying on your side and facing his profile. He looked at you, but remained sitting, propped up against the bedhead. 
“Show me, then,” he pleaded, his face fully turning into your direction. “Your powers, I mean.” 
“You’ve seen me using my powers, Kaz,” you laughed, closing your eyes a little. It felt so good to be close to him. 
“I’ve seen you killing with your powers, but i haven’t seen you just using it,” 
“Well,” you trailed off, lifting your palm a bit. You produced a small flame that was trailing your palm and then your forearm. You could feel the heath of the fire yet it didn’t burn you. It never burned you. You glimpsed at Kaz, and saw that he was in a slight awe. His eyes were widened and his lips were lightly parted. Then, he sent you a look and you knew he wanted to say something. 
“Can–,” Kaz cleared his throat, “Can I try?” 
“Sure,” you scooped a little closer to him, pointing your finger at his palm, “May I? Just say if you want to stop.” 
He nodded his head and lifted his palm, you placed your own onto his. When you heard a sharp intake of breath from Kaz, you were aware that not only you felt the electricity that went through when you touched. You continued looking at him, in order to know when or if you needed to stop. When Kaz was still staring at your connected palms, you constructed another little flame and let it roam around Kaz’s palm and shirt, carefully not to ignite anything. 
“You okay?” You made sure, his demeanour was still the same. He let you touch him for more than a minute now. You looked into his eyes and you saw light in his eyes. 
“It’s really, um–“ he cleared his throat again, “pretty.” 
You laughed at that then you extinguished the flame and came back to your previous position. “Fire has always calmed me down, that’s why I couldn’t produce even a spark after the accident,” 
“We all have our demons,” he replied. “Better for you that you managed to kill yours.”
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seeingivy · 6 months
Text
the third act
actor!eren x f!reader
**part of my method acting series
an: my eyes are burning, my wrists hurt, my head is pounding. this ended up at 14k. i hate how i wrote this chapter but enjoy yall juice.
songs/media referenced: jessica chastain and oscar isacc on the red carpet, because I liked a boy by sabrina carpenter, look what you made me do by taylor swift (++ music video), and the grudge by olivia rodrigo
previous part linked here
--
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You stand nervously on the porch, rubbing your sweaty hands against the pleats of your dress, as you ring the doorbell, the anticipation of the door swinging open making your stomach turn over in waves. 
And without a beat, Grisha and Carla are opening and standing by the door, bright smiles on their faces as they welcome you in. Carla opens her arms first and all but tackles you in the hug, the warm smell of vanilla permeating off of her skin. And Grisha, who has always been more awkward like Eren, gives you a soft squeeze on the shoulder as you hand them the flowers, and shuffle in. 
You note all the pictures on the wall - Eren and Zeke swimming in a pool, Grisha and Carla’s wedding, one of all four of them hugging - as you finally spot Eren, settled on the couch with Zeke. He immediately turns his head and gives you a bright smile, all but jumping up to greet you. 
Eren takes your hands in his and squeezes three times, knowing all too well of your nerves. 
Of having dinner with his family, who you’ve known since you were fifteen, but as their son's girlfriend for the first time.  
“Hey. You look pretty.” 
“Thanks, Eren. You too.” 
He curls his nose at the compliment as he wraps his arms around you, pulling back to tuck your hair behind your ear. You squeeze back and muster your best, most confident smile for him in response. 
Carla calls you from the kitchen and he gives you a soft smile as he beckons you to join her, returning to his spot on the couch between Grisha and Zeke. You take her side - she’s snipping the stems off the flowers you brought in - as you lean against the counter, eyes focused on Eren. 
“Thank you for the flowers. How have you been, Y/N?” 
“I’m good, how are you?” 
“Doing good, sweetheart. We’re really excited to come see your show tomorrow, Eren has been going on and on about how amazing you are in concert.” 
You feel your cheeks burn at the compliment as you wave her off, turning around to hand her the vase. 
“I’m really glad you’re all coming. It’ll be nice to see everyone again. It-it feels like forever since I’ve seen you.” 
“You have Levi to thank for that. Of course, he casts me in a show with my son just to kill me off in the first episode.” she remarks, a soft laugh falling out of her mouth. 
“Levi is a sadist. For killing you off in the first episode AND for making us such a big part of that scene.” you respond. 
Eren suddenly storms out of the room, heavy footsteps running up the stairs, as Grisha starts laying into Zeke at his side. You turn to your side and watch Carla’s face fall, her hands clutched on the crystal vase. 
“He’s also a sadist for casting Zeke and Eren as estranged brothers.” you murmur. 
Carla gives you a smile, albeit one that doesn’t meet her eyes, as she turns to your side, her hand giving your cheek a pinch. 
“Eren and Zeke. They-they’re just both sensitive. And there’s a lot of hurt there, for Eren especially. He likes to bury it down deep, argue when he knows he can’t hold his own.” 
“I know it’s a touchy subject. He only brings Zeke up when he’s really hurt.” 
Like during Historia’s scandal. 
“I’ll go check on him. He just needs a little talking to.” she responds, making her move to walk past. 
“Can I? Check on him?” 
She turns, giving you a smile and tucks your stray hairs behind your ears. Like mother, like son. 
“You’re sweet. Sure, his room is the first one up the stairs, to the left.” 
You give her a smile and walk up the stairs, making your best effort to be quiet as you pad up the stairs past Zeke and Grisha, who are still arguing in hushed tones on the couch. 
You press a light knock on the wood as you push the door open, to find Eren lying on his bed, face turned towards the windows. He’s sitting in the dark, but the lights of the city below are enough to illuminate the room brightly through his big, glass windows.  
You lean onto the bed and drape one of your arms around him, your chin resting on his shoulder as you look at him. At his dimples, his freckles, and his green eyes filled with tears. Angry, hurt tears. 
“Hi Eren.” you whisper. 
A weighted sigh leaves his chest. 
You reach forward and swipe the sole tear off his face, before pressing a kiss to his cheek. And squeeze his shoulders - your secret signal that you’re here and you’ve got him - as he nods, turning over to your side. 
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” 
He pouts, reaching forward to pinch the softness on your cheek. 
“Not really.” he whispers, his voice straining in his throat. 
“Okay. Well, quit pinching. You’re ruining my makeup.” 
A soft smile spreads across his face at your annoyance as he brings his other hand up, now squishing both of his cheeks in his hands as he pushes them together. He’s laughing lightly, at your voice all jumbled from the squishing. 
“St-stop.” 
He lets go and abruptly stands up, grabbing your hand as he pulls you up to the window, the little people walking the streets of New York City beneath you two. And then all of a sudden he has his arms wrapped around you from behind, his cold face on your neck as he buries his skin into yours. 
“Eren. We should go back down soon, your mom and dad are probably waiting.” you murmur. 
“I don’t want to go. We can just stay up here and I’ll just tell them I was too upset.” 
“But I want to see them. They invited me over as….you know. I-I don’t want them to think I’m just messing around.” 
“You can say the word girlfriend, Y/N. You’re my girlfriend. And they’ve always liked you. Calm down.” 
He presses a kiss to your neck, the city lights mirroring on his face as you look at him in the reflection of the glass. You’re both quiet as you watch the cars pass, the honking sounds almost muted as they reach your ears. 
“I-I wanted this to be nice for you. Your family was so nice to me when I visited and Coco had all those games he wanted to play with me lined up, I just- I don’t want you to think they don’t care about you.” 
“I know they care, Eren. And I know that stuff with Zeke is complicated, but you-you shouldn't get so worked up over it on my behalf. I understand.” 
“I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel like we’re all soulless and that there isn’t any love in the room. Your house is so warm and I love it there. I want you to love it here too.” 
You turn around in his arms, hands flat against his chest, as you look at his tired eyes, expectantly looking at yours. 
“Eren. There’s so much love in the room.” 
He sighs, pressing you into his arms into a hug, as he murmurs into your hair. 
“Point it out to me. I’ve always had a problem noticing it.” he murmurs. 
You smile against his shoulder, recounting it all. 
“Your parents opened the door without a beat. Meaning…they were waiting by the door for me to show up. Because they were that excited for me, your….you know, was coming over. And-and they have all these framed baby pictures of you up, all these little memories hanging in your house. They’re all coming to the show tomorrow and-and your mom called me sweetheart, which just makes my heart tingle because she’s your mom and she said that to me, you know?” 
“She’s not special. I call you sweetheart, too.” he deadpans. 
“But she’s your mom, Eren! It’s special to me that she calls me that, that she likes me. You love her so much, I want her to love me too. To trust me with your heart of all people, when…when there are so many fish in the sea. To want me as her daughter and not anyone else.” you murmur, whispering out the last part so it's almost unintelligible. 
He hums against your hair, his hug only getting tighter as he lifts his hands to cradle the back of your head and angle it up, so that you’re looking at him. He’s staring so intently, his eyes so wide that it sends a shiver down your spine. 
“What are you thinking?” you whisper. 
“About the love in the room. It’s in the palm of my hands right now.” he says, squishing your cheeks in his hands again. 
You roll your eyes in response as you shrug out of his hold, only to pinch his cheeks this time.  
“I find it ridiculous that you can’t refer to yourself as my girlfriend BUT you can full on admit that you want to be my parents' daughter in law.” 
“Shut up. You’re so annoying sometimes.” 
He smiles as he wraps his arms around you again, his laugh filling up your ears. And Grisha and Carla push the door open - clearly to check on Eren - and suddenly they’re both giving you warm smiles and thumbs up before shutting the door again, satisfied with the fact that Eren was nestled into your arms and laughing. That he wasn’t angry and wound up anymore. 
You feel a hand on your shoulder, shrugging you out of your slumber, only to find Falco - wide blue eyes staring into yours as you try to gain your bearings. 
“Huh, what?” 
“Sorry.” he responds, a sheepish smile on his face. 
You place your hand directly on his face and slam him back down onto his pillow, pushing out a great string of profanities at him as you do. 
“What’s your problem? Can’t let a girl sleep?” 
“Hey! I was doing you a favor.” 
“Yeah, thanks for being a pain in my ass.” 
He frowns, reaching forward to smack your cheek as you start smacking his hand off, the two of you play fighting in the tangled sheets of your bed. 
“You’re always so annoying, Falco. Get out of my room.” 
“You were saying his name in your sleep! I just wanted to wake you up in case you were sad!” 
You both pause in the air, your raised hands releasing at the mention of him, like a bad omen was whispered into the air. You give him a tight lipped smile as you nod, leaning back onto the plush of your pillows as he joins you, your pair of eyes focused on the dark ceiling above. 
It’s Falco’s night to sleep with you. They all take turns - Colt, your parents, Falco - because more often than not, there’s something haunting your dreams. It’s the fight you two had outside the house before he left. It’s Connie crying. The camera smashing. And when you can’t will yourself to sleep, every shred of self-preservation goes out the window and you end up on social media. 
Scrolling through pages and pages of the same thing. Of the interview, of how you made an entire career off of people who were more famous than you, of how you had to be the one on top. 
How you were a homewrecker, a slut, not pretty enough to be a lead, an overrated popstar, who didn’t write her own music, who could barely keep her own in a role, who at your core, was nothing at all. 
Falco’s hand curls around yours under the sheets, warm and soft, as you turn and place your free hand in his hair, carding your fingers through the tresses of his hair. 
“Y/N?” 
“Yes, Falco?” 
“Can I say something really messed up?” 
“Please.” you respond, fighting the smile on your face. 
He smiles as he turns his face towards you, the pillow deflating under the weight of his head. 
“I know everything that happened sucked, like literally every person on the internet making fun of you and all the interviews and people commenting on your looks and-” 
“Get to the point.” you deadpan. 
“I’m glad you were home for the past few months. And indefinitely too, not like you had somewhere else to run off to.” he murmurs. 
You press your temples against the pillows, his words hanging in the air as they twist into something unruly in your chest. 
Another one of your regrets - leaving your family out here alone, prioritizing your career over them. His words keep company with every other mistake you’ve ever made. 
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you even done anything right. 
“I’m sorry, Falco. I-I’m going to come right back after the awards show. And I’m not going to take any roles or concerts and stuff at all after that. I-I need time to just be here and rest after…everything.” 
“Good. You’ll finally have time to learn Rocket League properly.” he responds, smiling. 
You take the spare pillow and smack it across his face, eliciting a laugh from him as he lifts his own and returns the favor. 
“It’s a stupid game. I refuse to play it.” 
“That’s just because you suck. And plus, I can carry you. That’s what I had to do with Eren too and he was worse than you.” 
He immediately backtracks. 
“Sorry.” 
“It’s okay, Falco. He was important to you like was to me too. You-you can bring him up.” 
You’re both quiet again, the thought of him on the forefront of both of your minds. 
“You know he said he considered me a brother? That we weren’t just friends, that we were like family.” he whispers, tears in his eyes. 
“Falco.” you murmur. 
“Sorry. I-I know that that…this entire thing is worse for you than it is for me. But I just-” 
“No. He-he made you part of it too, Falco. It-it’s okay to feel sad about it.” 
“I just don’t understand why, Y/N. Who does all that stuff? Is being famous really all that?” 
“To some people. I-I guess it’s all he’s ever known, you know? His parents were famous, his brother was famous…it makes sense that it means so much to him. He-he doesn’t care about the things we do.” 
“I-I don’t like not talking to him. I….I really did think of him as my brother you know.” 
“Well, that doesn’t matter. You have a real brother.” Colt says, shuffling into the room and face planting Falco into the mattress. 
You both laugh as he flops onto the bed, clearly woken up by both of your talking.  
“Yeah, well you’re annoying. He said I was cool.” Falco responds. 
“He’s always had a horrible lack of judgment. First, for liking you. Second, for entertaining any of your crap for a second.” Colt says, pointing at the two of you as you frown at him. 
“Jokes on you, Colt. He didn’t even like me.” you respond, matter of factly. 
“That wasn’t the burn you thought it was.” Falco murmurs, eliciting laughs from both you and Colt. 
You scooch to the side and open the space to your left as Colt climbs under the covers, leaving you nestled between the two of them as you all argue over blanket hogging before falling asleep. 
--
You stand by the door as you watch the five of them trudge out of the car, an instant and harsh reminder of the entire life you lived, the one you’re about to be perpetually stuck in again, refreshing in your mind. Of the pain you’ve buried quiet and deep, suddenly raw. 
It’s easy to pretend like it didn’t happen - when you’re at home and you turn your phone off. When Colt makes fun of you and Falco forces you to play board games with him, getting so irrationally mad whenever you win. 
When you can pretend like he doesn’t exist. That you’re not famous and that no one knows your name, that this is all you’ve ever known. Board games, family dinners, the patch of grass in the backyard under your fingertips. 
But when Danny, Sareen, Sukuna, Historia, and Jean are walking up the pavement, smiles on all of their faces illuminated by the moonlight, albeit not full ones, you know the small bubble you’ve sheltered yourself in for the past three months is going to shatter. 
And you’re going to be in the thick of it. 
Danny and Sareen reach you first, both planting a kiss on your cheek before sliding in, dragging their bags behind them. They spare no greeting, which you’re sure is no thanks to the grave you’ve been digging for yourself. 
“Hi Y/N.” 
“Hi Jean.” you respond, mustering your best smile as he opens up his arms and pushes you into a hug, hands rubbing up and down your arms. 
“You good?” 
“Trying to be.” 
He gives you a smile as he pulls back, his eyes soft as he looks at you. 
“Mika misses you. She’s very annoyed at your whole vow of silence, never leaving my house, hermit crab thing. You could at least respond to the Tik Toks she sends you.” 
“Sorry, I- I don’t mean to-” 
“Y/N. I’m just joking.” he says, tone soft as he gives you a smile. 
“I miss her too. Why isn’t she here?” 
“Danny and Sareen think her hysterics aren’t conducive to the situation. I agree.” he responds, giving your shoulder a squeeze as he follows in. 
Sukuna makes his way over next, hands fixed behind his back as he gives you a smile. And the fact that he’s already hiding whatever it is behind his back, is enough to piss you off. 
“Hi doll.” 
“Hi pervert. Why are your hands behind your back?” you mutter, rolling your eyes at him. 
“Got a gift for you.” 
“Is it a sex toy? Because I’m about to get you registered as a sex offender if you think you’re being funny.” 
“Unfortunately, not.” 
He removes his hands from his back and holds it in front of you - a tub of ice cream with your name scribbled on the top. 
“Really, Sukuna? I thought you wouldn’t buy me ice cream if he stopped texting me.” 
He sighs, giving you a hug - which feels awkward coming from him - before pulling back and fixing the hair hanging by your shoulders. 
“He did worse than that, doll.” he says, placing the tub in your hands as he walks past where Jean’s calling him. 
Which leaves Historia - who you haven’t talked to in years besides three pestering phone calls, the last one being the only reason you’re even letting any of them shatter your bubble right now - staring at you, with her bright, blue eyes. 
“You look horrible.” Historia states, matter of factly. 
You snort. 
“Never one to coddle, were you?”
“Nope.” she responds, smiling as she links her arms with yours and presses a kiss to your cheek as you walk in. You feel warm at the fact that she came all this way, that she’s standing by your side as you brace the wolves. If you can even get yourself that far. 
You settle in at the table as the five of them talk in scattered conversations - Danny and Sareen talking about stylists, Sukuna and Falco arguing about god knows what, Colt and Jean talking in hushed tones. 
You take a deep breath as you slide into the seats across from Danny and Sareen, ready to face the wrath of ignoring them for three months, of letting interviews and podcasts and everything in between go on and on without making any effort to defend your name. And forsaken the years they’ve poured into your career without a second thought. 
“We should have reached out to Historia and told her to call you earlier. Didn’t realize it would be this easy to rile you up.” Danny states, sliding a folder over to you. 
“Wasn’t that easy. I-I’m still on the fence about going out there again and all that.” you respond, as Jean and Sukuna take the seats next to them, Jean’s foot finds yours under the table and he gives you a light tap as he smiles at you
You give him a smile back, his small move of reassurance helping ease your nerves in the room. Historia must sense them too because suddenly her hand is in yours under the table, cracking each of the knuckles in your fingers. 
“You don’t want to defend your name? At all?” Sareen asks, an irritated tone falling out of her mouth. 
“I don’t think I’m strong enough for that. There’s so much they’ll ask, so much they’ve already said that I don’t think-” 
“That’s all the more reason to do it. He’s talked over you for months now, he does one interview and then all his little minions make it a point to bring you up in some way or another after it.” Danny states. 
“I know that. I just think-” 
You pause, the frustrations, the signals in your head getting worked up. You’ve thought about it all, long and hard. And every feeling of hurt, every memory of the past seven years gets tangled up in it. And you can’t decide. 
There’s so many reasons to do it. To embarrass Eren the way he embarrassed you, to drag his name through the mud the way he so callously did yours. To whatever shred of humanity is still in him, to make it ache, to hurt him in the one place you know it’ll stick. Take the one thing he cares about - his fame - away from him. 
But there’s so many reasons not to. Why would you embarrass Eren the way he embarrassed you? How does that make you any better than him? There is no part of you that can relish in hurting him. When you still love him. 
“It’s complicated, that’s all. And….and it’s Eren, this type of thing isn’t easy for me.” 
“Y/N.” 
You turn your head to Historia, tilting your head expectantly to the side as you wait for her to talk. Her hands are soft on your shoulders, squeezing lightly as she talks. 
“That’s not your Eren.” 
“What do you mean?” 
“The Eren you’re talking about. The one you’ve been in love with since you’re fifteen. He-he isn’t that guy anymore. He’s not the one who encourages you to be better, who pushes you out of your comfort zone, who writes love songs on pianos with you. He-I don’t know what happened to him. But don’t mix up the two.” 
“Historia.” 
“He may look, sound, even smell and feel like the Eren you knew. But that’s not who he is. We’ve known Eren forever. Would he really smash that camera? Would the guy you love do something like that to Armin?” 
You pale. The smashed pieces of the camera are still a gut punch. And you know Armin has yet to buy a new one, his own feelings mixed up in his hurt as well. 
“Don’t mix them up, Y/N. He let Connie do drugs. And let Connie come back too, when he knew what happened.” 
You and Armin put all of your energy into getting Connie out of there, only for him to return to that godforsaken set a week later. And any efforts the two of you had to stop him were only met with the harshest words back. 
You can’t tell what’s worse. Eren breaking your heart the way he did or Connie being so unwilling to accept your help, that he’d insult you both to get you out of his hair. That Connie was already that far gone. That Eren let him get there.
“Y/N. He-he’s really not the same anymore. And he hasn’t been for a while. I think even you know that. And it’s time for you to let him go. To stop protecting him and start thinking about you.” Jean says, hands folded over the table. 
“You’re really going to let him do this? Drag your name in the mud? Because everything you’ve done is a result of your hard work. You’re the one who acted in the show, you’re the one who wrote all those albums on your own, back to back with-with no break, Y/N. You’ve poured your blood, sweat, and tears into this. He doesn’t get to take that away from you.” Historia says, words laced with venom. 
You turn your head to Sukuna, the only person who's been uncharacteristically quiet this entire time. 
“Any advice for me?” you ask, the tone hopeful. 
“You’re a smart girl. Think hard on what you think you should do. Quit looking to us for answers.” 
You roll your eyes at him, dissatisfied with his always vague answers. 
“I’m on your side whatever you do, doll.” he counters. 
“Sleep on it. We’re here tomorrow morning, whatever you decide.” Sareen and Danny state, definitively. 
You give Danny and Sareen a smile as your parents show them to their rooms down the hall, Colt and Falco dragging the two boys up the stairs. Much to Falco’s dismay, Sukuna has taken too much of a liking to Falco and is insisting that Jean sleep with Falco and not Colt. (Falco’s scared of Sukuna and is sweating at the thought of sharing a bed with him.)
You take Historia to your room, her bag dragging behind her as you point out the bathroom to her. She gives you a smile and pads out twenty minutes later, her head wrapped in a sock. 
“Nice hair, George Washington.” 
“Shut up. They’re heatless curls. And I’m shocked you even know who that is considering you always sucked in history.” she responds, giving the walls one look before crawling into the sheets with you. You quickly shut the light off, everyone’s thoughts from earlier ruminating through your head. 
Her hand finds its way to yours under the bed, giving yours a squeeze as she lets a sigh out. 
“The empty spots on the wall?” Historia asks. 
“Yeah. I-I came back and his face was everywhere. It kept making me cry.” you respond.
She shuffles to her side, head facing yours as you mimic her motions. 
“Armin told me what he said. You know, I really do mean that he’s not the guy you were in love with.” 
You swallow hard, thinking back to Eren on the beach, how that was your Eren. About how wrong they all are. 
The waves crash in the distance as the stars glitter above, your head resting against Eren’s lap. His hands are in your hair, one of his favorite places for his hands to be, as you both watch the waves rise and fall in the periphery. 
“Up.” 
You look up at him, as his eyes looking down at yours. 
“Am I a cavewoman? What happened to please? Oh Y/N, sweetheart, please sit up.” 
He rolls his eyes as he brings his hands down from his hair to your cheeks, his fingers soft on your skin. 
“Y/N.” he says, drawing out the syllables with a voice so sweet it makes your cheeks burn. 
“Huh?” 
“Sweet, sweet love of my life. Please sit up. I want to look at your pretty eyes, your sweet, perfect face, and hold it in my hands.” he says, a smile on his face. 
You can feel your face turning what you’re sure is red as you scramble up and Eren readjusts so you’re closer to him, your face in his hands. And then he’s looking into your eyes for so long, the moon shining bright on his face, that you see his eyes are filling with tears. 
“Eren?” 
“Not crying. It’s the salt air.” he sniffles, eyes pained. 
“It’s okay if you are. I-I just want to know why.” you whisper. 
“Nothing. You’re just here with me, after so long. I-I just missed you a lot that I’m still feeling like I miss you. Preemptively, for when you’ll leave next.” 
You smile as you shuffle into his arms, resting your head against his as you run your hands through his hair now. 
“I missed you too. I’m not going anywhere, so don’t worry about that.” 
You feel him tense under your touch, his arms around yours squeezing you harder. 
“Y/N.” he says, tone in his voice warning. 
“No, Eren. I-I’m staying. I made the mistake of leaving you once already and I-I learned my lesson.”
He pulls back only to pull you in for a kiss, so deep that you can almost feel it. The longing, the same one you’ve shared pouring out of him and into you. It’s strong enough to bring tears to your eyes. 
“Anywhere, huh?” he says, a deep sigh leaving his chest. 
“You’ll have to drag me out by my hair if you want me gone. You-you’re stuck to me, Eren.” 
“Okay, sweetheart. You’re stuck to me too. I wouldn’t want you anywhere else.” he responds, half smiling. 
And when he pulls you in for a kiss this time, it goes further. His hands are hovering over your heart, your hips, all over your body. 
You remember what happened next. And that the sweetness before was only a precursor for that. And it stings, so hard, the betrayal sitting so deep that you have angry tears in your eyes. 
He isn’t your Eren. Or maybe Eren just isn’t who you thought he was. 
“You’re right. I-I’m going to do it.” you say, giving her your most confident smile, even though you’re both confined to the dark. 
“Good. I’m by your side, however you want me to help. It would be a gut punch to everyone if I was the one helping you, considering their one proof that you’re a self-absorbed pedestal climber is that you stopped being friends with me.” 
She’s broached the elephant in the room. The one that’s been bothering you for years, but even more so since she was the one who called you first. 
After months of radio silence. 
“Historia.” 
“Yes?” 
“Why did we stop being friends?” 
She pauses, realizing her mistake all too fast. 
“We didn’t stop being friends, Y/N-” 
“No. I want to know and you’re going to tell me. Quit being so bitchy about this entire thing because you’ve actually hurt me more than you think. You owe me this.” you respond. 
The silence hangs in the air. 
“Did you listen to lacy, Y/N?” she whispers. 
“Yeah. I texted you about it, it was really good.” you respond. 
“Did you understand it?” 
You pause. 
“I think so.” 
“Then you should understand.” 
“Historia.” 
She sits up in the dark and you follow suit, both of you sitting crisscrossed in front of each other, the thickness in the room sitting heavy. 
“Look. Do you remember that line? In season two? I’m the worst girl who ever lived?” 
“Yeah.” 
“Levi and Hange didn’t write that line. I-I just said it. And if you really want to know why we aren’t friends, why I couldn’t stand you, it-it’s because I’m horrible. And it’s fucking embarssing that I am. I seriously am the worst girl who ever lived.” 
You reach for her hand, locking it in with yours.
“You’re not horrible.” 
“I am. I just- I couldn’t stand you, Y/N. You were perfect. You were pretty, you were nice, you were kind - there was no reason to hate you. You were a natural at acting. You wrote your first song and it was a fucking hit. Then you had a best selling album, a sold out tour. And on top of all of it, you weren’t some soulless popstar.” 
“You had those things too.” 
“You had a relatively normal childhood, before you willingly came into this. You have brothers who would die for you, friends who adore you, Levi and Hange basically treat you like you’re their kid, and you had Eren. You got love right on the first try.” 
You swallow hard. 
“I-I’m not trying to throw the Eren thing in your face. I-I just mean. You got to love someone in the open. Everyone praised you guys for it. There wasn’t any shame, there wasn’t any hurt, you and Eren just got to be together.” 
And then you realize it. There wasn’t any shame. 
“Historia. Is it because-”
“You know how fucking heart wrenching it is to have all these big feelings for Ymir and have to swallow them down because I want to have a fucking career? Watch her walk away because I’m too embarrassed to love her in the open but she isn’t embarrassed of me back? How agitating was it to watch you throw away what you had with Eren after I had to do that just because I’m gay and you can’t be gay if you want what we do?” 
You wrap your arms around her, stifling her sobs into your shoulder as she cries, chest heaving. 
“You just pissed me off because you did the same thing I did. Even when I told you to be better, both of you. And then it became this big thing in my head, so big that I didn’t even know what was happening.” 
“Historia, I’m not mad at you.” 
“See, that’s the thing. I stopped fucking talking to you and you wrote dorothea, about how you’d always have a spot open for me even though I don’t fucking deserve it. I’m over here talking about how jealous I am of you when people have ridiculed you for years, like you weren’t tired out of your fucking mind when you were doing all that, like you didn’t lose Eren too, like people didn’t strip you of everything you’ve done and embarass you for the past few months..” 
“It’s okay, we all do that and-” 
“You did nothing wrong. But it still hurt me. I-I’m the worst, Y/N. We-we were sisters and I did this.” 
“Historia. Shut the fuck up for like two seconds. This is what being sisters is.” 
“Huh?” she says, teary eyes wide as you reach forward and swipe her tears away. 
“Siblings, sisters. They-they tear you apart. You tear me apart just as much as I do you, Historia. I adore you but you make me feel ashamed sometimes, because I’m not as cool as you. You make me feel so lonely but you’re the only person I want to be around. And when you’re around me, I want to cry because I love you so much. Sometimes you irritate me so much I want to strangle you for being stupid. I want to be just like you but I hate it when people compare us. You’re the only reason I have confidence right now but I want to cry when I think about us when we were little because we used to giggle about stupid shit before going to bed.” 
“Y/N.” she says, weary tears spilling out of her eyes. 
“Why do you think I picked up your phone after you didn’t talk to me for months? Why are you sleeping in my bed next to me right now? Every shitty feeling you have about me is one I’ve had too, maybe even worse than yours. That’s what makes you my sister - not some do good, feel good shit that’s perfect. Being siblings, being sisters - we’re stuck together. Despite all the shitty, despite all the bad, there’s deep good. Which is why you’re here. Which is why I'm letting you be. So quit feeling sorry for yourself for like two seconds and just shut up.”  
Historia nods, sinking into your arms again as you run your hands through her hair, rubbing small circles into her back. 
You lost Eren. But you got Historia back. Everything you lose is a step you take. 
“Y/N. You really hate me too sometimes?” 
“Sometimes?” you repeat, sarcasm dripping from your voice. 
“Bitch.” 
You both laugh, too hard that you’re both smiling so hard it hurts. 
“You’re really annoying. You couldn't even text me after I wrote dorothea to say you liked it? And what the fuck is skin like puff pastry? I use La Roche Posay, my skin isn’t even that dry anymore.” 
“Okay. You just had to write the most high ground, mature ass song about me. You couldn’t write some fucking diss track about how I’m ugly?” 
“I’m not you. I don’t make fun of people for having dry skin.” you respond, the two of you lying flat against the sheets. 
You both talk into the night, only until Sukuna yells at you both to shut the fuck up, do you go to sleep. It’s your first night without a nightmare. And when you wake up, you’ve decided. 
It’s time to take back your name. 
--
You sit in the plane, rubbing your nervous hands against the seats of the plane, as you watch the city get smaller below you, your house somewhere in the expanse getting left far behind. Revenge sits heavy on your mind. Jean nudges you with his elbow, giving you a half-hearted smile. 
“Mikasa might kiss you straight on the mouth when she sees you again. Out of respect for my future marriage, I do ask that you respectfully dodge her.” 
You laugh, nudging him back. 
“I make zero promises. Also, barf. Future marriage? Since when are you so adult?” 
“What do you want me to call my wedding? A hangout?” 
“Obviously.” 
He rolls his eyes as you both focus on the view, the city lights shining beneath the plane. 
“Pick a date?” 
“Maybe after we finish filming season four,” he says. 
“That’s so long from now. What happened to ‘oh I can’t wait another second to spend the rest of my life with her’” you respond, mimicking his voice. 
“Quit it. I can’t actually. But we want things to settle before we get married.” 
You frown. 
“Are you postponing your wedding because of me? Because I’m about to stir shit up?” you whisper. 
You find out quickly that the combination of Historia, Danny, and Sareen - coupled with Sukuna’s willingness to do anything you ask of him - creates a monster of pettiness you could never dream of. 
“No. Not you.” he responds. 
He leans his head against the headrest, eyes focused on the fluorescent lights above. You mimic the motion, focusing on the little call lights and vents above the two of you. 
“I’ve dreamed about my wedding to Mikasa for years. Basically since I’ve known her.” 
“Gag. You guys are so sweet it makes my stomach hurt.” 
“I always imagined it in a specific way. Her dress is simple, because Mikasa isn’t one for theatrics, despite how hysterical she gets. It’s got a short train but she has a pretty, flowing veil. Her hair is long again, her cheeks are pink, and she looks perfect.” 
You smile, heart burning for Mikasa and her sweet love. 
“Levi and Hange are there, pretending not to cry. Connie and Sasha get too drunk during the reception, Reiner’s making some weirdly inappropriate speech but it’s sweet because it’s him. No one knows how he got the microphone, by the way. Annie and Armin are kissing in the photobooth and get caught.” 
“God. They’re doing more than kissing, that’s for sure.” 
He snickers. And then sighs before talking again. 
“You’re the maid of honor. And Eren’s the best man. You guys get to stand on opposite sides of us and sneak each other secret looks, ones only you understand while we’re getting married. Because all you both have is the fucking audacity, always eye fucking each other everywhere, even at our wedding.” 
You smile through the sting. Eren did love his prolonged eye contact. 
“And when we do our first dance, you both write us a sweet love song that puts into words what it’s like to love Mikasa. It makes it perfect. That I get to start my life with Mikasa on a high note and that our two best friends get to be a part of it.” he states, chest deflating. 
You swallow hard. 
“You both helped me sneak into Mikasa’s room so I could sleep next to her. Covered for us whenever Levi almost caught us, even if it meant you both got in trouble. Eren’s let me talk about her for hours on end, unlike Connie and Reiner who thought it was stupid. He even told me to tell her I loved her first, even though I was scared. Helped me plan our first date, how I proposed, I-” 
He stops, voice quiet when he talks again. 
“We’re not getting married right now, but not because of you. It’s because I’m having trouble getting over the fact that my wedding isn’t going to be how I’ve always dreamed it was. Because of Eren.” 
You wrap your arm into his and lean your head against his shoulder, which he returns by resting his head against yours. 
“Y/N.” 
“Hm?” 
“Give him hell for me?” 
“That’s a promise, Jean.” 
--
Eren hates red carpets. The flashing lights, the screaming voices, and his head being pulled twenty places at once as people scream his name. The novelty of it all - of the excitement, of the rush, of people so intently asking you questions and hanging onto your answers - is long gone for Eren. 
Luckily for him, he doesn’t have to talk much during the interview. Hyla talks for him. 
“Eren. How do you feel being nominated for Best Actor in a TV Series?” the interviewer asks, holding the microphone up to him. 
Hyla, who's hanging off of his arm, excitedly answers for him, cheeks gleaming as she talks. 
“So thrilled. This has been Eren’s dream since he was little, when he started filming Attack on Titan. I’m excited to see it finally come true for him.” she says, reaching forward to pinch his cheek. 
Eren gives a polite smile as he moves halfway down the carpet, eyeing Lana at his side who makes a gagging motion before they both turn back to the cameras. Except all the photographers in front of him - who were intently snapping pictures of him and Hyla - have all run to the other side of the carpet, back at the start and are making loud cheering sounds as the flashes go off. 
Hyla drops her hand from his as Lana walks up, lightly pushing Hyla to the side as she links her own arm in Eren’s. 
“Who do you think it is?” 
“Ten bucks it's Gojo. Maybe this time it’s a dog suit.” he murmurs, earning a laugh with Lana. 
“Dog-jo.” Lana states. 
“If you say Daddy’s home.” he sings, in a high-pitched voice, which has the two of them laughing. 
They both slide up and peer through the side of the crowd, the group of people on the carpet crowded to watch what everyone was so keen to take a picture of, paparazzi going as far as nearly climbing on top of each other, to get past the rope. 
And when Eren catches sight of what it is, who it is that has them acting up like this, the air gets tangled in his throat. And he’s crushing Lana’s arm into his. 
It’s you. Unlike he’s ever seen you. 
Eren gets it. The whole branding thing that Sareen and Danny leaned into. That you were a sweet lover girl, who wrote happy songs - about love, friendship, the sweetness that comes with it all. Which melted into everything, including how your team styled you. 
Always modest, soft outfits. Light colors - pink, purples, pastel blues that were willowy and warm, like you. Not bold, not daring, but familiar and soft. 
But the way you’re dressed now, you’ve done a full send to the other side. A dark, black dress, perfectly accentuating every curve of your body, matching with gloves that go all the way up to your biceps. And cover up your fish tattoo. 
Eren’s eyes are watering. To see shoulders he’s kissed hundreds of times, your neck that he’s left tons of marks on, those sweet eyes that kill him and the lips he’s kissed, only a few feet away from him and not in his dreams. 
He hasn’t seen you in three months. And what’s more, is every deep dive search he did of you on the internet - embarrassingly so - was only the barrage of hatred that people were sending towards you, not anything mentioning how you actually were or if you were even seen in public. 
Sometimes Eren thought you were dead. And he knows that if you were, it was his hands that killed you. 
You’re standing in the middle still, lights flashing against your glittery makeup, the softest of smiles on your face as you twirl around the carpet, which elicits a grandiose amount of cheers from the paparazzi as they start asking you questions. 
Are you performing tonight? 
Who are you here with? 
Where have you been the last three months? 
Eren’s sweating. Because the mix of emotions - of this entire thing - has suddenly worsened tenfold. You’re here. You’re okay. And you look beautiful. The way he’s seen you hundreds of times - in the confines of your bedroom, in hotel rooms, on the beach, but now out in the open. 
There’s another round of cheers as Sukuna, of all people, walks up next to you. And the next scene is enough to upset his stomach, to vomiting level, and enough to finally get Hyla to walk over and watch. Lana’s the only thing bracing him in the moment, her light nudges indicating they should walk away. 
But all Eren can do is stare. He’s sixteen years old, watching the girl he likes get kissed on the stage while announcing an award. And now he’s twenty two years old, watching the girl he loves - in his own sick and twisted way - all dolled up on the red carpet but millions of miles away from him. 
Sukuna walks up and gives you a bright smile, which has you leaning forward and cupping his face in your hands. You’re both smiling at each other so hard, so warm that everyone else around you is cheering. And deep, burning jealousy stings in Eren’s chest once again. 
He watches Sukuna pull you in, hand cradling the back of your neck and his eyes closed as he hugs you - knowing he’s surely breathing in that sweet, flowery smell you always seemed to emanate. And then you’re playfully pushing Sukuna away as you try to snap your own pictures, which only has Sukuna only moving closer. And the paparazzi cheering louder. 
Sukuna’s pulling down the edge of the glove, leaning down to press the longest kiss of Eren’s life to your skin, right where he knows your tattoo is, as he watches your cheeks burn pink and the crowd erupt. Sukuna’s hand now resting carefully against your waist, against the black fabric of your dress and Eren’s realizing that he truly, in earnest, is not strong enough for this. For the smug, knowing smiles on both of your faces. 
Eren knows that you know you look good. And that you know you’ve got their attention. 
And that you have to know, surely with full confidence, that you’re driving him insane. That Sukuna purposely kissed the spot on your skin that was proof that you once belonged to him. 
“God. She’s really leaning into the whole slut thing, huh?” Hyla states, which finally draws Eren - and Lana’s - attention away from the two of them. 
“God. You’re really leaning into the whole jealous ‘girlfriend’ thing aren’t you?” Lana asks, rolling her eyes as she drags Eren to the side of the carpet, as Sukuna and Y/N walk past. 
Except, the two of you turn your heads and bee line straight to where the three of them are standing, which has Eren’s palms sweating and his skin burning as you look at him. And the breeze pushes that flowery, lavender smell into his nose. That block in his chest, that’s been sitting there for the past few years, is paralyzing. 
The darkness around your eyes, they only accentuate how big they really are, the glitter dusted perfectly against your skin, and your lips - full and pink that Eren can’t help but stare. You divert your gaze and look at Lana, to his left. 
“Hi La-La. You look very pretty today. Pink is your color.” you say, the familiarity of your voice making Eren’s heart ache. 
Lana, albeit a bit shocked you’re even speaking to her in the first place, extends her hand, reaching out to hold yours. 
“Thank you, Tinky-Winky. You’re gorgeous. A vision in black.” Lana responds, giving you a smile which you blissfully return. 
Eren’s sweating. He’s in his own personal hell right now. 
“Nice dress, Y/N, Not your usual look.” Hyla states, each syllable harsh as it falls out of her mouth. 
Never mind. Now, he’s really in his own personal hell. 
“Pretty, isn’t she?” Sukuna asks, brown eyes glaring into Hyla’s. 
“So, you’re dating then?” Hyla asks, crossing her hands across her chest. 
The two of you don’t respond, giving each other knowing smiles, as Sukuna only leans into you more, leaving Eren entirely unsure of what’s unfolding in front of him. 
“Figures. You always did have a thing for sluts.” 
“Hyla.” Lana and Eren state, matching warning tones in their voices. 
“The only person I’ve ever dated is you. But I’m glad you’re self aware about what you are.” Sukuna responds, taking the bait. 
You walk closer, tilting your head to the side as you look at Hyla. 
“You might want to keep him under wraps today. He’s always had a thing for me in dresses.” you state, giving the two of them sickly sweet smiles. 
It’s the one time he’s seen Hyla stutter. Granted, the way you’re smiling at her, leaning into her space with your shoulders pushed back - Eren understands the feeling. He would hate to be the next person to piss you off. 
Eren pales. Any anger you have for Hyla must be tenfold when it comes to him. And he realizes why you’re here, in a black dress of all things. 
Revenge. 
“Of course, you would be the one to tempt him while you’re with another guy. You really are a whore you know that?” 
“It’s not my fault your boyfriend is dragging me to beaches and begging me to kiss him. Granted, I understand that kissing you is so revolting that it makes him vomit. I can empathize with the desperation, Eren.” you respond, giving the three of them a smile. 
Hyla’s so infuriated that she’s stomping down the length of the red carpet to where the rest of her friends are, which has you turning your gaze to Lana, who's smiling. You give her a wink which she beams at, as you return your gaze to Eren. You give him one last look up and down before you walk to the end, the cameras following you. 
Before Sukuna can walk away, Eren pulls him back by the collar, whispering in his ear. 
“Sukuna.” 
“What?” 
“How is she? Really?” 
Sukuna sighs, Eren’s pitiful green eyes nearly pissing him off. 
“Look at her. How do you think she is?” 
Eren deflates. 
“She’s going to give them exactly what they want, isn’t she?” 
“Yeah.” 
“Did you make any attempt to even stop her?” 
“Do you seriously think I could? After what you said? This is your fault, Eren. You made the wrong move.” Sukuna mutters. 
“Well, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Seriously, in earnest, tell me. Because you take the high and mighty ground here telling me I make mistakes but offer no other fucking option as to what I’m supposed to do.”  
Sukuna shoves Eren into the backdrop. 
“Watch yourself tonight. I’m serious. Don’t act like you didn’t know better when you know I warned you ahead of time. You dug your own grave. Now sit in it, Jaeger.” he warns, stalking off to the end where you’re waiting before the paparazzi catch on. 
The anger simmers off of Eren, the frustration building, as he storms right past, straight into the auditorium inside and takes his seat. He’s had enough of the red carpet. 
He leans over the seat, placing his head in between his knees as he pulls at the strands of his hair, trying to even his breaths as he tries to still the panic in his chest. He feels a hand on his shoulder, which he leans into. 
“Fuck, Lana. What are we supposed to do now?” 
He looks up to not find Lana, swallowing hard at the sight of Scott Clarkson himself, standing in front of him. With Danny and Sareen at his sides. 
--
You shake the microphone nervously in your hand, the familiarity and sleight of hands of performing coming back to you as you watch the stages move up and down - Historia directing the crew to perfectly place the props in place. 
“Your outfits are in the back room. You should change now.” the lady states, striking through something on her clipboard as you gesture for Historia to join you.
She nods as she runs up to your side, hand in yours as you both start nervously walking to the back. The outfits, they’re matching identical sets - blue for Historia and green for you. As you both slip your outfits on, you hold your phone out for Historia and swallow the lump in your throat. 
“What?” 
“Go on Twitter. I-I want to know what they’re saying about the red carpet. But I don’t-I need you to filter out the bad stuff. I need to know people won’t throw tomatoes at me when I come out there with you.” 
She nods, unlocking your phone and heads to the app. There’s a smile on her face as she scrolls, blue eyes wide. 
“Y/N L/N is trending. Along with the tags Eren Jaeger, Ryomen Sukuna, Revenge Dress, and Ryomen Sukuna can you fight?”
You snort, cheeks warm. 
“Anything bad?” 
“No. It’s all about how hot you and Sukuna are. They’re going feral for the tattoo kiss. And-and talking about how pissed Eren and Hyla look today. Eren especially, apparently he didn’t even do the entire carpet?” 
“Good.” 
She shuts your phone off and hands it back, wrapping her arms around yours as you give her your best smile. 
“We still have five minutes. I just don’t want to go out there. Your doppelganger is freaking me the fuck out.” she whispers, earning a laugh from you. 
“Imagine being me. She put on the beach outfit and a shiver went down my spine. It’s one thing to look like me but it’s even worse when she’s literally wearing my clothes.” 
“Danny and Sareen are insane for the tattoo decal. It looks just like yours.” 
You nod, facing the mirror as you rub your hands against the ink, the sight of it making your stomach turn. And something twinge in your chest for that memory, of those glittering awards, of performing next to Eren, only for him to be whispering in your ear as you got the ink. 
The two of you walk out as you take your spots on the stage, waiting for Historia to rise onto the stage first. And you thank the gods that Danny and Sareen pulled strings to make sure that Eren had a front row seat. 
--
The waiters move around the rows with trays, drinks rimmed with crystals on the edge and bright blue liquid in them being passed out. Lana excitedly reaches for two, nearly shivering in excitement in her seat. 
“Lana.” 
“It’s my night off, Eren. Don’t be a buzzkill. And god knows we can’t do this sober.” she murmurs, eyeing Myka and Hyla at the sides, phones up in the air as they optimize their angles. 
“Well, at least share them.” he responds, taking the second glass and letting the liquid burn his throat as it goes down. 
The lights dim as he leans back into his chair, Gojo and Geto taking to the stage to open the awards shows. The cameras all around are suddenly whirring, their loud voices booming through the speakers. 
“Who's doing the ensemble?” Lana asks, slurping through her drink. 
“Jujutsu Kaisen.” 
She nods, eyes focused on the stage revolving as they set up for Historia’s performance. 
“Why did you guys never do one for Attack on Titan?” 
“Levi and Hange got offered it for Season Three, but they want to save it for Season Four and the finale. Let’s see if we even make it there in one piece.” 
They both quiet down as Historia rises to the stage, for the opening performance, in a glittering outfit as she starts singing. Eren’s half focused on the show - mind running elsewhere as he scans the room from his vantage point to find where you were. To indiscreetly ogle you, in your pretty black dress. But the seat next to Sukuna is filled by Yuuji as he looks around the room for you. 
To grant himself the small joys in life. Catching the ends of your smile. 
Now I'm a homewrecker, I'm a slut I got death threats filling up semi-trucks Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice All because I liked I'm a hot topic on your tongue I'm a rebound gettin' 'round stealin' from the young Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice All because I liked a boy
Myka and Hyla snicker at his sides at the line, tears falling out of their eyes at the line. 
“Because I liked a boy?” Hyla repeats. 
“What now?” he murmurs. 
“Like that’s going to convince people she’s not a lesbian.” Myka states. 
Lana, clearly well past her tolerance after not drinking for so long, takes her drink and splashes it into Myka’s face, earning a good amount of protest as she runs off, Historia singing on the stage. 
“Okay, Lana. Let’s not end up on the front page of WBS today.” 
“What? She was pissing me off.” 
“Check yourself, Lana.” 
She rolls her eyes, leaning back in her chair to keep watching the performance. 
“Who called Historia a homewrecker?” Lana asks. 
“I mean. I’m sure someone must have at some point. Do they need a reason to say what they do about her? ” 
Lana shrugs as Eren watches Historia slide to the side, as you rise up on the platform, the microphone fixed in your hand as you sing. 
So that’s where you were. 
The crowd erupts into cheers as you strut into the middle of the stage, at you and Historia together again hand in hand, as you reiterate the chorus for a second time. With your eyes, razor focused on him and Hyla. He can feel the cameras moving to the two of them, trying his best to contain his shock. 
Now I'm a homewrecker, I'm a slut I got death threats filling up semi-trucks Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice All because I liked a boy 
Eren swallows hard. And then the music cuts out as you and Historia scutter out to the edges of the stage and the middle stage rises. Clearly a scene set up to look like a beach, there’s two people seated on the blanket in the middle, hands linked together. 
“Oh my fucking god. Eren.” Lana says, hand squeezing his. 
“What?” 
“It’s you. You and Y/N. On the beach.” 
He refocuses his eyes to the two people on the stage and feels his cheeks burning when he realizes. The girl on the left is one he knows all too well. It’s the girl Hyla picked to impersonate you during the Girlfriend skit. And the one on the left - a guy with short hair, green eyes, and the exact jacket he was wearing that night. 
“Do you still belong to me? Are you still mine?” the guy repeats, his voice sounding wimpy. 
“We shouldn’t. We can’t.”  
“Don’t make me beg. You’re the only thing that’s mine.” 
Eren feels the chill run down his spine. At the scene, the memory burning in his mind, as he rewatches it on stage. And everyone else gets to dig into it too, the way Hyla did when she found out. 
The guitar, the tattoos on their arms, the fact that it’s the same dress from that night, the same outfit he was wearing down to the details. 
He can’t even be mad. He deserves this one.The music starts up again and you walk out again, singing again. 
When everything went down, we'd already broken up Please tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice All because I liked a boy Ah (A boy) Ah (A boy) Ah All because I liked a boy 
You give him a satisfying smirk, reveling in the shocked look on his face and his pink cheeks, as you wrap your hand in Historia’s, the two of you lifting them together in the air as they all start chanting your names back to you. 
--
“Can I talk to you guys?” 
Geto and Gojo look up from the cards they’re shuffling in their hands and give you a nod as they set the cues down, hands on your shoulders as they lead you to the other side of the stage. 
“I never got to thank you. For letting me take over your ensemble showcase. I know you guys are really proud of this show and the entire cast and I appreciate you letting me use the time.” 
Gojo smiles, giving your shoulder a harsh squeeze as he brushes it away. 
“We love drama. And you’re part of our cast now too. Even though we’re basically giving you the Junpei treatment.” 
You give the two of them a smile. 
“I actually appreciate it, though. This-this is important for me and you’re kind enough to support me.” 
“Sukuna gave us a very convincing talk. About you, your character - about what a big deal it was to you to take your name back like this. We all but had to listen. And power to you for how you’re doing it.” Geto responds, giving you a smile. 
“Sure you don’t like him? At least if he calls you a whore in public it won’t come out of nowhere. He’d definitely say it to your face first!” Gojo says, laughing. Geto glares and immediately smacks him in the stomach. 
“Ignore him. He was raised in a barn. By wolves.” Geto responds, definitively. They both walk away with smiles on their faces, talking in hushed tones as they head towards the stage. 
You readjust the ends of the beaded dress as you give yourself one last look in the mirror, hands nervously itching with the thought of the performance ahead of you in your mind. 
“Need help?” Marco asks, gesturing to your shoes. 
“Yeah, thanks.” you respond and he gives you a non-committal nod. 
You slip the garter belt over your knee before dipping your legs into the boots, Marco’s hands quick to steady you from behind the second you waver in the air. You give him a grateful smile through the mirror before turning around, hands firm on his arms as you talk. 
“I-I really appreciate you, Marco. I know you wanted to stay neutral with all the stuff that happened so I know that this is a big deal that you’re doing this for me.” you say. 
“I’m on your side. But you know, his too. We-we all grew up together and I just think if we all talked about everything we- ” 
“Did you try to talk to him?” you ask. 
You know the answer. Eren didn’t even bother to pick up his phone. 
“Yeah, but-” 
“Marco. I think we all know he’s long gone. He-he’s not our Eren anymore.” 
“We haven’t even had a chance to talk this through yet.” Marco responds, voice soft as he gathers your hair before placing it flat against your shoulders. 
“Can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to you first, Marco. You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.” 
“I just feel like I could have tried harder. This couldn’t have come out of nowhere.” 
You place your hands on his shoulders and squeeze hard. 
“It’s not your fault. He was always going to be like this, nothing you could do would stop him.” 
He nods, halfheartedly, as the group of them all whistle as you walk out - the entire cast of Attack on Titan and Jujutsu Kaisen - on the side of the stage. 
“You look sexy, Y/N.” 
“Stop it, Mikasa. You’re making me blush.” you respond, giving her a wink. 
“Yeah. Stop it, Mikasa.” Jean grumbles, giving you an irritated smile. 
“She’s going to steal your girl.” Yuuji states, giving Jean an elbow to the side. 
“Not if I do it first.” Nobara says, giving you a big gleeful smile as she places a kiss to your cheek. 
You smile at them as you take your little spot on the cue, giving them all a thumbs up that they all return. And rise to the stage, for the second time, to end Eren Jaeger’s career. 
--
For the second time this night, Eren’s looking for you in the crowded room and finding you in the last place he wants to see you. On the stage, singing with that venomous look in your eyes. 
“Wait. Is she in Jujutsu Kaisen?” Myka asks, leaning over Lana whose cheeks are bright pink from the way she’s been downing the drinks every time they pass. 
“She must be if she’s in the fucking ensemble performance.” 
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
Your outfit, following the trend of almost everything you wore tonight, has the hole burning into Eren’s stomach. And that look that you’re giving, that you’re directing towards him as you stare into his eyes, has his cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame. 
That and the fact that you’ve been walking his look alike on the stage like a dog. And made references to every hurt piece of him that he’s shared with you. His strained relationship with his brother, the fact that he was all but mediocre in the acting industry with only three awards to his name, and that he vomited when he kissed Hyla on that yacht in front of the entire world on stage. 
You’re coming for blood. He’s getting drained of it. 
He spots Lana to his left scrolling on her phone between the seats, eyebrows pushed together in frustration. 
“Is it that bad?” he asks. 
“Not good, Eren. They hate you. Love her. Everything in between.” 
“More proof, right?” Eren asks. 
“You bet.” she responds 
The world moves on, another day another drama, drama But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma And then the world moves on, but one thing's for sure Maybe I got mine, but you'll all get yours
And each consecutive image you put on stage gets worse, only twisting in Eren’s mind in how he’s going to swirl his way out of this one. Identical, plastic models sniffing up lies of cocaine - clearly meant to be Hyla and her friends. His doppelganger, this time, very literally sucking the dick of fame. And the worst of all, the bridge. 
You stand in the center, the music slowing down as you rise into the air, above the crowd of people. And suddenly the light shines bright on them - on the cast of Attack on Titan and Jujutsu Kaisen - trying to crawl to the top of the pedestal you’re standing on. Showing that you’re above them all, exactly like he said you were. 
And what’s worse? The first person you kick off is Historia. 
I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me I'll be the actress starring in your bad dreams
“I don’t get it. Why did she just kick Historia off?” Myka asks. 
“I think you should lay off the crack. It’s really degenerating your neurons in there. You already had so little to work with.” Lana says, placing her hands flat against Myka’s cheeks as she aggressively shakes her head. 
“That’s what Eren said in his interview. That Y/N would do anything, to get to the top of the pedestal. Use people to help her just to kick them off. It’s smart.” Hyla states, swirling the straw in her glass between her fingers. 
--
You lay against your seat, Reiner’s hands on your shoulders massaging into the taut skin as the anxiety builds of your last performance, of your closing act of the night. You’ve successfully tangled your way through the two you had before - virtually similar to your pop songs, but a little bit more aggressive. But the third. The entire nature of it - so unfamiliar, so unlike anything you’ve ever done that it has the waves of panic building in your stomach. 
“What’s the next award? It’s the last one, right?” you ask. 
“Best Actor.” Historia responds, tangling her ankle with yours under the chair. 
Levi and Hange walk out onto the stage, hands pressed together as they give each other sweet smiles, and the gold envelope glitters in their hand. 
“Fuck. He won, didn’t he?” you ask. 
“Huh? Why do you say that?” 
“Levi and Hange are presenting. That-that means Eren won.” you respond, Jean giving a deep heavied sigh as you all focus your eyes back up to Levi and Hange on the stage. 
They’re readjusting the microphones as they clear their throats, voices booming through the speakers of the auditorium. 
“The fact that we’re standing here is proof enough that a very talented actor has won one of the most coveted awards tonight.” Hange says, a wide smile spread across their face. 
You give Jean a smug smirk. 
“We won’t be mincing our words. This kid has been special to us since he was fifteen and while we commend all the other actors in this category, we’d like to take our time to comment on how far he’s come. We’ve had the privilege of seeing him from the start, how far he’s grown to where he is now.” 
“Eren. You’ve always been our sweet boy, straight from the start. So determined, so ambitious in what you wanted to do. Many people were quick to write you off as a straight off the bat from the work of your parents and your brother that came before you but…..your zest, your genuine want to be seen in your art has always stood out to us. We truly commend your dedication to your art, one you’ve possessed since you were younger than half of the idiots in our industry.” Hange says. 
“I’ve pushed you around kid. Farther than anyone else but only because you’re the one who could handle it. I know that you’re one to take what’s thrown at you and push it forward, to make your way out of it to do something great. I’ve never said it to you often, but I hope you know that we’re immensely proud of you.” Levi says, warm tears filling his eyes. 
“Read the card, Levi. Poor kid has been itching to have his hands on one of these for seven years now.” 
Levi smiles, even wider when he reads the name on the card and leans into the microphone. 
“The award for Actor in a Best TV Series goes to Eren Jaeger.” 
The crowd erupts into cheers as everyone stands, the lot of you included, as you all crane your necks towards Eren, who's stuck in his seat as Lana shakes his arm at his side, excitedly jumping up and down next to him. Eren gives her a nod as she pulls him up, wrapping his arms around her before walking straight onto the stage, the look on his face solemn as Levi and Hange wrap his arms around him next, pressing kisses to the sides of his cheeks as they hand him the award. 
The worst part? All you want to do is be by his side. Congratulating him on the first thing he told you in confidence, the one you’ve both held over your heads for years. 
Eren sighs as he looks down at the award, tears spilling out of his eyes as he looks back up at the crowd, eyes landing on yours. You swallow hard as he looks at you, for too long, before walking straight off the stage. 
Without making a speech. 
Levi and Hange are quick to follow, confused looks on their faces as they rush after him. Gojo and Geto are pushed onto the stage as they push send to commercial, the ushers at the side quick to lift you up and lead you back stage, for your performance - earlier than you expected. 
When you get backstage, Eren’s crying real tears - and arguing with Levi and Hange this time. 
“What the fuck was I supposed to do?” he screams, shoving Levi off to the side as he attempts to storm off, Hange and Levi catching the ends of his sleeve before he can. 
“Eren. Just calm down. We’ll help you. The moves you’re making are smart if you’ll follow them through and-” 
“No, Hange! Fuck this. I-I can’t do this. Do you know how humiliating this entire night has been for me? To have every fucking thing I’ve done thrown in my face just to win this now?” 
That’s your last straw. 
You tap on his shoulder and when he turns your way, you slap him straight across the face. He brings his hand up to his cheek, rubbing the pink spot as you feel your blood burn under your skin. 
“Are you fucking serious, Eren?” 
“What?’ he responds, shock apparent in his voice. 
“You got what you fucking wanted. You got the award you’ve been dreaming about. And-and you’re throwing a bitch fit back here about it?” 
“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand, Y/N.” he responds, murmuring under his voice as he makes the move to walk away, Levi and Hange opening their arms for him to move. 
“What don’t I understand? Make it make sense to me because it’s pretty fucking clear. You have everything you want and you’re still not fucking happy, are you?” 
“Is this what you think I want, Y/N? Do you think I enjoy you yelling at me? Do you think I like Hange and Levi being disappointed in me or even care about this fucking plastic in hand?” he spits, face a few feet from yours as he clenches his hands around the trophy, before dropping it onto the floor and letting it crack. 
“God. How many times are you going to keep breaking shit without any care in the world? The camera, the fucking award you picked over me, Connie’s fucking livelihood, my heart. All you’ve ever cared about is yourself. From the start.” 
“Y/N. That’s enough.” Levi says, tone firm. 
“No. No, he has some fucking audacity saying the things he did to me. That I’m not famous enough for you? Think long and hard, Eren. You’ve had every fucking card stacked in your favor - famous parents, real talent, two people who have fucking mentored you through the entire thing. The entire thing and you still couldn’t get this award until now. Where the hell do you get off telling me all that? I’m better than you. I’ve always been better than you.” 
Eren sighs, taking a deep breath as he turns back to face you. 
“You’re an asshole, Eren. Zeke stopped fucking talking to you, there’s a reason why everyone sided with me and not you and maybe it’s because you’re the fucking problem.” 
“Y/N.” Hange states, tone warning again. 
“You’re impossible, Eren. Who-who the fuck plays games with people like that? I-I fucking adored you, Eren. You were my entire world. Hell, you still fucking are. And the fact that you knew that, that you let me get that involved with you when you had no intention of seeing any of it through, of knowing me and loving me. You’re horrible.” you spit out, voice cracking as the tears spill out of your eyes. 
Eren takes a deep breath before walking, stopping short of the curtain, the grand piano sitting in the middle of the stage. And he turns back, the look on his face so pained when he talks again. 
“You want to know how I know our love wasn’t real, Y/N?” Eren asks, voice strained in his throat. 
“Please. I’d love to hear it.” 
“I had my suspicions. That you ended things with me because your team wanted you to end things with Ricky James. People had been whispering it in my ears for days. For months, that I wasn’t good enough for you. But I pushed past that, because I know you. I knew that you loved me. You released London Boy and my first instinct was to not believe it. You started dating him and I still thought it was fake. You filmed movies with Sukuna and did god knows what for all of it. I had faith that you loved me. You convinced me that you had faith in me.” 
You swallow hard, bile burning down your throat. 
“Our love wasn’t real because you never extended that grace to me. You didn’t have any faith in me like I did in you.” Eren responds, pushing past you as he walks off. 
You watch him walk off as Danny and Sareen hold your outfit for your last performance in the air, the flowy purple dress for your last song, You wipe your tears, head reeling, as they all but push you into the room, doing the motions for you as Eren’s words ring in your ears. And suddenly you’re on the stage, sitting on the piano bench, a few feet away from Eren - eyes rimmed pink as Lana rubs circles into his back. 
You place your hands on the keys, the tears still streaming down your face as you start playing the piano. And the second you start playing, you look to your right to see Eren’s head in his knees, sobs racking out of his chest, as you start to sing the song, fighting back your own. 
And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream How could anybody do the things you did so easily? And I say I don't care, I say that I'm fine But you know I can't let it go, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong
All you can think of is Eren hovering over your shoulders, hands resting on top of yours as he moves your fingers, his silent cheers whenever you played the chords on your own. You fight the shake in your hands as you sing on. 
Ooh, do you think I deserved it all? Ooh, your flowers filled with vitriol You built me up to watch me fall You have everything, and you still want more
You shakily stop, piano pausing as you reach foward to wipe the tears on your face, granting you cheers from the crowd. Before you place your hands on the keys for the last time, finishing off your nightmare.
It takes strength to forgive, but I don't feel strong I try to be tough, I try to be mean But even after all this, you're still everything to me And I know you don't care, I guess that that's fine But you know I can't let it go, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long It takes strength to forgive, but I'm not quite sure I'm there yet It takes strength to forgive, but
You finish as you look to the crowd, all of them standing in the air as you stand up from the bench, knees all but ready to buckle as they give you a standing ovation. And instead of Gojo and Geto walking out, to close out the show the way you rehearsed, Levi and Hange are standing on the stage again, solemn looks on their faces as they hold a golden envelope in their hands. 
You choke out your sob. 
No. 
This is not how you’re going to get this. 
“We’re back for-for something that’s been long overdue.” Hange says, hands shaking as they face towards you, wiping the tears off of your face as the despair sinks in. 
“Y/N. You’ve always been talented from the start. You’ve always been humble, down to Earth, and kind in a way that many people in our industry haven’t seen. It’s why we think you were such a fan favorite during the early years of Attack on Titan - you had extended grace and humanity to kids who were all but robbed of it from living in the spotlight since the second they were born.” Levi says, tone hollow as he talks. 
“And beyond upstanding character, a genuine love for those around you, your willingness to push yourself, to make yourself better through all facets of your art has always been admirable. You've always been ambitious but brave and kind despite it all. We’re immensely proud of you, kid.” Hange says. 
Levi opens the envelope, reading off as the crowd erupts into cheers. 
“Y/N L/N has been on our radar for her work since the second we caught our first sight of her. It was only appropriate that she won for the best of her works, hence the perceived delay in the commendation of this award. For her acting work - in the infamous “Thank You” scene of Attack on Titan, for her poise fully skilled dances on her Ribbons tour, and her mastery of the piano in her song the grudge, the Institute is happy to induct you into one of our most timeless awards - the triple threat.” Levi reads off, the crowd only getting louder as they both come to your sides, hands warm and hard on your shoulders as every part of your body aches in their arms and the cheers burn your ears. 
You follow Eren’s suit. And make no speech as you storm off the stage. 
You can feel your chest heaving up and down as you crouch to the ground, knees hiked to your chest as you push your head into your lap, tears staining the fabric of your dress. The air in your nose is bearing, eyes searing red as Levi and Hange are at your sides, rubbing into your skin as they whisper words that barely make it to your ears. 
You look up to find a crowd of people - Historia, Jean, Mikasa, and Marco - walking up to excitedly push you into hugs and press kisses to your cheeks as you feel your body get tangled in the crowd, your emotions, your mind entirely elsewhere. 
“God, Y/N. You’re fucking amazing, you know that?” Danny says, wrapping his arms around you as Sareen presses a kiss to your cheek. 
“So we’re thinking. You should do a residency tour. Maybe we can call it “the grudge” so you can perform that song at the end of each night. And people will love it since you used to always end the tours with New Year’s Day but now it’ll be this gut wrenching song you wrote about Eren.” 
“Sorry, what?” you croak out. 
“We’ll hit the big cities. Only the United States, fifteen nights in each. Then you can do your triple threat interview and performance at the next award show.” Danny states, already scrolling through the logistics on your phone. 
You sigh. 
“You’re fired.” 
“Huh?” they both say, laughing as they lean over to look at the phone. 
“You’re fired. Both of you.” 
“You can’t be serious, can you?” 
“Dead.” you respond, glaring into their eyes. 
“We’ll talk to you when you’re thinking clearly.” Sareen states. 
“No. No, you’re not going to talk to me at all. I”m-I’m done with you guys. You said I would get to stop running if I fucking did this.” you respond. 
“Oh, sweetheart. Surely you know we weren’t serious?” Sareen says, a shocked look on her face. 
You shove past them and the entire group of people as you move towards your little room in the back, locking the door and barricading your vanity against it. And you let the cries reach you, the air suffocate you you, the words, the cheers, the last seven years ring in your mind till you’ve cried out every last fiber of your being. 
His words ring in your mind. On the very first night, when you got tangled up in this in the first place.
“You’re next level. When your dream comes true, I’ll be right beside you. Telling you that I told you so.” Eren says. 
“Yeah?” 
“Oh yeah, Y/N. We’re best friends. It’s you and me till the end. We’ll be laughing about this when it happens to us.” 
You cry until you can’t anymore. And mourn that the one part of your dream you always wanted - Eren standing next to you telling you he told you so - was the one part you didn’t get to have.
--
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an: guys isn't it so sweet!!! their dreams came true :DD
next part linked here
taglist: @k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06 @bsenpai @sweetenertea @mykyoon @violetmatcha  @rebeccawinters @cutiejg @bokutosthings @bookwrmm @mblrrr @wheredidmycrowngo @somethinginyoureyes7 @chilichopsticks @okaystopwhore @you-always-made-me-blush @itzmeme @firelordazulaaaa @whoami-72 @g-ghostly @intimacywithceline @erensmoodygf @cocomellxn @princess-ackerman @jaegerfiles @cacapeepee @squirrelspoetry @rui-0836 @moonmalice @invisible-mori @sofiasber @bbybeeb @timetobegone @tee4str @ttokki2 @leave-rae-alone @ec3lipsy @officialsimpp @gojojang @yookayyo @lordbugs @multiplefandomthings @iobeyfandoms @camilo-uwu @justanotherkpopstanlol @mel-star636
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lady-ashfade · 1 month
Text
Blood And Pressure
Part two
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Yandere!Pjo x Fem!Grisha!reader. (Platonic Yandere gods) (romantic!various characters)
-♡ Chapter: Previous // Next
-♡ characters: Percy Jackson, Luke Castellan, Clarisse La Rue, Grover Underwood, Annabeth Chase.
-♡ this is a shadow & bone slight crossover. Reader is a heartrender and that's all really (maybe more in the future!)
-♡ Please note that all characters are aged appropriately, so all characters are older versions of the book characters. So 17-19 characters for these, you can choose any of them really.Just that they are older teens.
-♡ I will be imagining Charlie Bushnell as Luke.
-♡warning : short, yandere behaviors, obsession, stalking. slightly sick love, possessive, manipulative, gaslighting. platonic yandere too, blood powers, powerful powers but not godly, and future warnings when more chapters come out.
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This was the best moment of your life. The camp was beautiful. You got to see real people training together, not just the ones that come into the infirmary. And Percy was just as amazed as you. It was cool to see someone your own age being new to camp, and that you could use him to get yourself out of that damn house.
Percy made you smile with his small jokes and comments about the place. Which caused Chiron to look between you two without you knowing. You never looked so happy.
“There is a place for you,” chiron points to one of the cabins. A flag hanging from the roof was Hermes and you smile, they welcomed everyone. Many kids ended up in the infirmary after their pranks and you loved to hear the stories.
Percy was to go into the cabin and start his new life while you had to watch and then go back. Of course you were happy for him to have a place. But it would go back to being alone.
“What about y/n?” Percy turned to you with a brow raised. “Don’t you have a cabin?” Before you could answer, the centaur answered for you.
“She is not a Demigod,” he moved his hooves closer and puts a hand on your shoulder. You sigh and nod, “she stays with us. Now say your goodbyes.”
Pushing everything you felt back you mange to give the boy a big smile, “good luck Percy.” And his name in your mouth lift him smitten along with your smile.
He couldn’t wrap his head around why you were here to just stay in the big house. This was a camp for half-bloods and you weren’t one…he wasn’t sure what you were. So why keep you locked up?
“I think y/n should see the inside.” He turn his gaze to the larger man. You could see the mischief on his face.
“I mean, you said you’d give them a tour and haven’t showed them what the insides look like? I think you should keep to your word.”
You cover your mouth with a giggle and he finds himself taking another glance at you with growing pride. However Chiron wasn’t as happy about this because he wanted to get you home and away from everyone…just like the oracle said to.
“I agree, now if you’ll excuse us.” You turn your head and grab ahold of Percy’s hand and start to walk to the cabin door. You had a mission to see everything that you could!
Percy turned brighter by each second and followed you with a clouded head. He stares at the way your hand felt on his. Maybe he could find a way to keep you with him at all time. His chest filled with butterflies and he couldn’t help but to squeeze your hand back as you pull him along.
The cabin was full of campers and bunks crowded around everywhere. You didn’t know what you were expecting but this wasn’t it. I mean the cabin should have been much bigger with the amount of kids that came in, even Hermes had many kids. Just for a second you felt out of place until your eyes set upon another…ones you have looked into before.
Eyes that looked at you many times, the only boy you had a conversation with before. With a scar running across his cheek.
“Well, aren’t we lucky.” The boy stepped closer to you both. His lips curled into a smirk as everyone else the cabin turn to look at you both. The mystery girl and the new boy who took down a minotaur. A odd pair to be seen together.
Percy tightened his hold on your hand at the way he was looking into your eyes and inching closer. Who was this guy? If only he could throw his arm around you to show he already had his claim.
“Luke Castellan.” The slightly taller boy introduced himself. His eyes looked away from you and he was met with percy harsh gaze. The only one now to stop the contest they seemed to have was Chiron who walked behind you.
Camp seemed to get more interesting by the second.
Taglist: @maria699669 @gorgeourrific-nerd @targaryenluvs @theaaeht @dabalyuteeeftia @alliriseabove
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amsgrey · 1 year
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it will be enough
requested: yes
Grisha power wasn't specified, so I picked a random one. (and by picked I mean I literally added them to a spin-the-wheel thing and went with it).
Spoilers for Season Two of Shadow And Bone
warnings: Not proofread or edited, Nikolai being jealous, fluff at the end, more things that I have forgotten
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You met Nikolai when he was still parading as Sturmhond, the witty privateer who was all about money and fun. You had been locked alone in the hull of a slaver's ship for longer than you could remember, wasting away without food, water or the ability to summon. Everything had been a blur, shouting, fighting, and then you were being unchained and helped upstairs. You remembered the first time stepping into the sun after that whole time, it burnt your eyes and you had to shield them with your arm.
You had met Sturmhond on his own boat, someone had laid you in a cot and forced you to drink water. Then, a man in teal had asked you your name, told you you were safe and would have a place on his crew if you wanted it. You had taken him up on it, there was always a space for a Squaller on his crew. Nikolai grew to trust you, and put his faith in you as he did Tamar and Tolya. Since then, you would follow Nikolai anywhere he asked.
That included helping him bring peace back to Ravka with the Sun summoner. You had been hesitant to leave your comfortable life with the crew of the Volkvolny, but you loved Nikolai, you would go with him to the ends of the earth. You and Nikolai had been dancing around feelings for each other for almost as long as you had known each other. Tolya was always teasing you about it, reciting cliché poetry and watching you and Nikolai exchange stolen glances. You were sure they were unrequited feelings, so you never acted on them.
It only got worse after returning to Ravka and meeting with the rest of Nikolai's allies at the Spinning wheel. You saw the way he looked at Alina, the hope that lit up his eyes, she was all he needed now. You tried your best not to be hurt about it, you knew loving a prince would only lead to pain. He would never be able to love you back, a commoner. So you volunteered to join Tolya to travel to Ketterdam. You were born and raised in Kerch, and you had the strongest language skills out of all of the party.
Nikolai hadn't spoken to you since announcing his engagement to the sun summoner, it felt like he was avoiding you. He finally approached you on the Hummingbird the day you agreed to leave.
"Y/N?"
You turned to find him leaning against the railings, watching you prepare the sails for the journey. "Moi Tsar."
Nikolai cringed, "Not yet."
You smiled, walking over to join him, "Does that mean I can still can you Sobachka?" You laughed, playfully shouldering him like you would do on the Volkvolny.
Nikolai rolled his eyes, "What is your obsession with that name?"
You enjoyed watching him squirm, making fun of him was too easy some days, "I like calling you Sobachka, makes me think of you like a little cute pup."
Tolya interrupted you both before Nikolai could answer, "We getting this show on the road?"
Nikolai took an extra look at you and the bright smile you sported, "Be safe," He ordered, returning to his Prince persona.
"We'll bring back Neshyenyer," You promised.
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Returning to Kerch and meeting the crows felt like a fever dream. Somehow, you slotted into their ranks easily, quickly becoming fast friends. You grew to enjoy Kaz's company as much as the others, something about spending time with someone else from Kerch, who really understood. Besides, he was serious and unwavering and you kind of enjoyed someone who was as serious as you.
After the events in Shu-Han, you were having second thoughts about staying around in Ravka after the war. Nikolai had everything he needed now and Kaz had offered you a place with the Crows if you wanted it. The only thing that was keeping you in Ravka was Nikolai, but why stick around to love someone who would never love you?
You jogged along with Kaz, Wylan and Jesper, headed towards where Nikolai was rumoured to be. You followed Kaz's lead as he peeked over a wall, watching three Grisha rounded on Nikolai and his forces.
"Wylan," Kaz turned to the boy, "Grenade."
Wylan handed it over to him, everyone watching him light the fuse.
"Y/N?"
You nodded, stretching out your hands to summon wind to propel the grenade to your target. You all watched it make its mark, blowing The Darkling's Inferni back until she lay dead on the battlefield.
Nikolai looked to Tamar, "Where did that come from?"
Kaz stood proudly, declaring, "My Demolitions expert."
You stood to his right, just as proud to be joining the fray.
"Expert?" Wylan mumbled, looking at Kaz. You all looked at him as he corrected himself, "I mean, yes. Expert."
You and Jesper smiled, amused by his fake confidence.
You all took a step forward, sliding down the shingled roof and dropping down the wall. You used your small science to soften everyone's fall, allowing you all to rush towards the gates. Jesper quickly worked on the rust that bound the gates closed, leading Wylan to the barricade Tamar, Nadia and Adrick hiding behind. You and Kaz headed opposite them, where Nikolai was crouched.
As you both rushed over, Kaz muttered, "What nightmare have we gotten ourselves into."
Jesper looked over at your group, "Why's Sturmhond here?"
Tamar frowned at him.
"Round here he goes by Nikolai."
"Nikolai Lantsov," Jesper realized, looking over to the man in question. Nikolai shrugged, you couldn't help the chuckle at Jesper's annoyed expression.
"All this time, close personal friend," He spun his pistols into his hands, preparing for a fight.
Nadia and Tamar looked about as confused as could be, "And you are?" Tamar pressed.
Wylan was tucked behind Jesper, his hand resting on his back, "You must be Tamar." He answered, "We came with your brother."
That didn't seem to make the woman any less confused, but she didn't press it any further.
You all watched the Darklings Squaller and Tide Maker rise to attack again. The tide maker raised her hands, drawing water from the sky to draw her attack. Jesper sprung into action first, followed by Adrick and Nadia who came to his support. Watching Jesper shoot would always entrance you, he was such a great shot, aided by his Durast abilities.
You were about to stand and join the fight when Nikolai stopped you, "Did you get Neshyenyer?"
You nodded, "Zoya, Nina and Inej are finding Alina, they'll get to her."
Nikolai nodded in relief, as you looked him over you realized there was blood staining his jacket.
You pressed your fingers to the blood, "Are you hurt?"
Nikolai followed your gaze to where your hand rested on the stain, "it's- It's not mine."
You looked up at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. You would ask more later, for now, there were more pressing matters than those you'd lost.
Jesper finished his attack on the Tidemaker with the buttons on his waistcoat, lashing out and turning them into their tiny blades. As you looked past Nikolai you watched the Squaler draw lightning to his palms, it crackled and hissed as he tried to amass it.
Kaz nudged you with his crow's head cane, handing it over for you to use as a conductor. You quickly jumped to your feet, rushing to Jesper's side and using Kaz's cane and your powers to channel the electricity. Lightning was notoriously unstable, It didn't react well to being controlled. You threw your hands up, forcing the lighting to connect the two of you through Kaz's cane, then expelling the power back into the storm clouds it came from. The more lightning the Squaller summoned, the harder you worked to draw it away. Eventually, he ceased, knowing he could not lash out with the electricity you too controlled.
"I have Datura Meloxia!" Wylan shouted.
"Wylan! Now."
The boy uncapped the vile, calling for Adrick and Nadia to help him propel the powder, "Air support!"
You and Jesper ducked to avoid the powder being swept into Grisha's face, watching him stumble around in glazed confusion before Tamar sent her axe into his head.
As the Tidemaker tried to fight back one last time, she realized just how effective Jesper's attack had been. Screaming at the realization her fingers were gone. Nikolai was appearing to the side, raising his pistol and firing one last bullet, taking down the final one of the darklings Grisha.
"It's done."
You and Jesper both let out matching sighs of relief. He bent over to retrieve his pistol, then dramatically threw his arm around your shoulders to pull you into a side hug.
"Thanks for that, gorgeous."
You smiled, "My pleasure, Handsome."
You joined Kaz and Nikolai, the two of them eyeing each other. You retrieved Kaz's cane from the mud, handing it over to him with a triumphant smile, "I believe this belongs to you, Brekker."
Kaz took it from you, twisting it in his hand as he admired the crow's head.
Nikolai looked from you to the man who you were grinning at, suddenly less pleased to see Brekker, "I didn't realize you were patriots."
"Well if you die, we don't get paid," Kaz said like it was the most straightforward answer. You couldn't help but laugh, after the stress of the fight and Kaz's arid sense of humour, you needed it.
Nikolai was sure he could listen to you laugh every minute of every day and never get sick of it. He hadn't heard it enough in the last few weeks, and it pained him. He longed for the evenings on the Volkvolny when the crew would laugh and drink without the looming threat of death and destruction.
Everyone smiled when Tolya appeared, pulling his sister in a crushing hug. Nikolai looked around his gathered allies.
"We have to find Alina. If Kirigan brought the fight here, he's gunning for her."
Tolya nodded, "I've cleared us a way into the fort. Come on."
You fell into step with Nikolai at the back of the group, his unofficial bodyguard for the fight you were about to delve back into. Nikolai couldn't help but spare you glances, you looked tired, the lightning summoning had worn you out. He wanted to stop, allow you to rest, and bring back the bright smile you almost always wore. He knew better, though, just plotting along silently beside your group.
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You sat next to Tamar as everyone took a much-deserved breather.
"A moment of sun before we deal with out losses," Nikolai sighed, glancing over the wounded and dying that lay on the grass, "Dominik..."
Tamar comforted her friend quickly, "He did exactly what any of us would have done for each other."
"For you," You added, leaning over and grabbing Nikolai's hand. He glanced down at your clasped hands, giving a small squeeze as thanks.
You all looked up as Alina, Inej, Nina and Mal walked over the hill. Nina stayed by the wounded while Inej and Alina exchanged a few quick words. Alina chased after Mal, leaving Inej to inform the group.
Nikolai thanked the crows for their help, he took Tolya's arm and headed away to address the consequences. You were about to join when Kaz called your name.
You turned to the man, a small frown on your face, "Yes?"
"If you ever feel like coming back to Ketterdam," He spoke, "We would welcome a crow with your abilities."
Jesper and Inej both nodded, showing their support.
You couldn't help the smile that grew, "I'll think about it." You promised, taking your leave to follow after Nikolai and the others.
When you met up with Nikolai, he wouldn't meet your gaze. Looking at everyone else but you. He made preparations for the Darkling to be burned on a pyre, leading all of his most trusted allies to join him. It was strange, that it was all over. There was no more fold, no more bickering or fighting between otkazat'sya and Grisha, it was an entirely new beginning.
You wanted to stand by Nikolai as he addressed your small group, but there was something off about him. He still had yet to make eye contact with you, ignoring your small gestures of comfort. Eventually, you gave up, coming to stand next to Nina behind Alina.
As Nikolai finished his speech, Kaz led his crows away. Nina looked at you, knowing you needed the support. She took your hand, leading you away from the flames with the rest of the crows.
The gathered forces were celebrating as you all exited the sand that was once the fold. Offering all of you drinks and food. You couldn't find the energy to join the festivities, brushing off friends and fellow Grisha to find a quieter space.
You found yourself wandering until you reached the roof of the compound, finding a perch on the edge of a wall looking over the land around the compound.
You let out a quiet gasp in fright when Nikolai appeared at your side.
He quickly grabbed your arm, "Don't fall."
You smiled, "I won't. Probably."
Nikolai chuckled, joining you on the ledge. You were struck by how many times you would sit together like this on the Volkvolny.
"Shouldn't you go find a healer?" You asked, gesturing to the bandages wrapped around his leg.
Nikolai shrugged, "I needed to talk to you first."
You looked away, "About?"
Nikolai was staring at the horizon, clearly also struggling to find the courage to talk. Something had changed between you two for sure.
"What did Brekker say," Nikolai finally spoke after a long silence between you.
You glanced at him, the afternoon sun was illuminating his face. His hair was still cleanly combed back, neatly styled to make him look regal. His cheek was still bruised, the only thing that made him look like the Sturmhond you knew.
"He said if I ever wanted to go home, I had a place with the crows."
Nikolai nodded, "Home to Ketterdam?"
Nikolai knew how much you missed Kerch, you grew up in the countryside on a farm with your siblings. You had stopped in Ketterdam once or twice with the Volkvolny crew, but it wasn't the same as going back to live there.
"I know it sounds crazy," You fiddled with your hands, "I never thought it would be possible to go back, maybe now..."
Nikolai could relate to that, he never felt entirely at home in the Grand Palace, and he didn't think it would ever be possible to. Now he would rule there.
"When are you and Alina leaving for Os Alta?"
"Tomorrow," Nikolai replied, "Tamar and Tolya are taking over captainship of the Volkvolny."
You hummed, "I'm sure they're excited about that, Tolya can stop for all the snacks he wants."
Nikolai laughed, a carefree laugh that made you smile too.
You both sat in peaceful silence for a while, listening to the celebrations going on under your feet. You felt like there was something more to say like you both wanted the other to confess the feelings you shared.
You kept coming back to the fact Nikolai and Alina were engaged. You knew that it wasn't a love match, Alina loved Mal. But even so, they would be tied together for as long as it took for Ravka to rebuild. You were being childish if you thought you and Nikolai could be anything other than friends. And so you were thinking more and more about returning to Ketterdam, joining the crows. Leaving Nikolai would hurt, but it would hurt more watching Nikolai with Alina.
You eventually came to the conclusion there was nothing more you could say, Nikolai clearly did not share your feelings. You cleared your throat, stretching casually and then getting to your feet.
"They're probably missing us," You said, trying to hide your disappointment.
Nikolai didn't respond, staring out at the horizon a while longer.
"You should stay."
You almost didn't hear it, already a few steps away from Nikolai. You turned to face him, "What?"
Nikolai got to his feet and stood before you, giving you his full attention for the first time since leaving the Volkvolny.
"I want you to stay."
You struggled to find any words, gaping at the man before you.
Nikolai kept talking, "I know that I can't ask this of you, I know I Shouldn't. But seeing you with Brekker, the thought of you going to Ketterdam with him-"
Nikolai stopped when you giggled. He frowned at you, "What?"
"Nothing," You giggled.
Nikolai grabbed your hand, "What? Why are you laughing?"
You stifled your laugh, "Are you jealous of Kaz?"
Nikolai faked being offended, "Me? Jealous?"
"Oh, you so are," You cackled, getting a lot of amusement out of watching the Tsar squirm, "Nikolai Lantsov with his damnably handsome looks is jealous?"
Nikolai dropped your hand and threw his hands up in exasperation, "You are the worst."
You grinned, then remembered what he had asked. "Do you really want me to stay?"
Nikolai looked serious again, "I do. I want you to stay with me, by my side."
"But you're engaged to Alina."
Nikolai seemed to realize at the same time you did, he nodded solemnly, "We couldn't be anything to each other in public. At least, not until Alina and I end our engagement."
"You'll end your engagement?"
"It was always the plan," Nikolai explained, "She loves Mal. I love you. It's just for political-"
"You love me?" You cried before you could stop yourself.
Nikolai's face flushed, he scratched his neck sheepishly, "Yes."
"Well," You reached out and took his face in your hands, cupping his cheeks gently, "Aren't you lucky I love you too."
Nikolai's face burst into a cocky grin. He grabbed your waist, firmly holding onto you and dragging you closer to him. He reached one hand u to cup your cheek, guiding a thumb over your cheekbone tenderly.
"I can't believe you were jealous of Kaz," You teased, drunk on the feeling of being so close to Nikolai.
"Shut up," Nikolai scoffed, he leaned in and captured your lips in a kiss. He pulled you even closer until you were flush with his chest. You brought your hands to the back of his neck, twisting your fingers into his hair. You couldn't help but feel relief, the feeling of it washed over you. You had spent the last few days worrying about where you stood. This answered that gnawing fear, Nikolai felt the same.
Nikolai pulled away, pressing his forehead to yours. His arms wound around your waist, holding you close while he stared into your eyes.
Your face was flushed and you were breathless, "I have been waiting years for you to do that."
Nikolai smiled, "I've been wanting to do that for years."
You knew this wouldn't be the end of this discussion, about him and Alina. But for now, you were happy to follow him to Os Alta, to know he felt the same way. That would be enough for now.
854 notes · View notes
kasagia · 10 months
Text
Bruises and scars
Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem! tidemaker! reader Summary: Kaz Brekker believed he was too broken and bruised to ever count on you reciprocating his childish crush. You were a powerful Grisha, someone who wouldn't be content to be in a relationship with the human shell that he was. That's why he gives you the cold shoulder, that's why he avoids you like the water you wield so well, that's why he tried to drive you away after the day you confessed your feelings to him. Kaz Brekker couldn't love anyone. It would not be beneficial to either side. But Kaz Rietveld rises from the dead, reminding him of what it's like to feel unconditional, blind love. And he won't give up. Not until he gets his girl back... isn't it too late for that, though? Warning(s): Kaz and his trauma; violence; he's afraid of his feelings but loves the reader; generally Kazzle misses the reader; angst with fluff; I'm a sucker for happy endings, but the boy suffered WITHOUT HIS INVESTMENT; mentions of de@th and bl00d Word count: 7,4k
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Counting days, counting days since my love up and got lost on me
"You're sending Jesper to do your dirty work for you? I didn't know you were afraid to talk to one of your own crows." you stormed into his office without even bothering to knock. Kaz swallowed. He really should have been better prepared for this conversation. After all, he knew you wouldn't give up so easily. "What is this?" you asked, slamming the wad of paper onto his desk.
"I thought you could read. This is your next job." he replied calmly, not looking up from the papers in his hand.
"In some snobbish fucking king's palace? Are you kidding me?"
"Nikolai isn't that bad. You'll see when you get there."
"And what makes you think that I will voluntarily leave Ketterdam, the club, my friends, and the Crows for two bloody years, Kaz?" for the first time since you walked into his office, he looked up from his papers, fixing you with a cool, impassive gaze.
"That I'm your boss, and you have to obey me. You needed a reminder, judging by the tone of voice you use when you speak to me."
"Was it because of what I said to you when I almost..."
"No!" he growled at you, stopping you from finishing your sentence. That day had already joined his nightmares anyway. He didn't have to constantly recall your almost-death. "It has nothing to do with it." he said, hoping that would put an end to your conversation and went back to writing down the numbers.
"Do not lie to me. I know when you do it, Kaz. You got scared because I said I love…"
"You can go and get ready, Y/N." he said without looking up from the paper he was holding. He had never felt her gaze so hot and intense on him before. They always glanced furtively at each other, discreetly indulging in the silly fantasy of loving each other.
Like they could ever afford to live a normal life. As if he could ever love you properly—the way you deserved.
You stared at him intently, trying to find any trace of emotion in him, any evidence that he didn't really want to send you away from Ketterdam, that he was only doing it because Dirtyhands was afraid of the growing feeling between you two.
"I can hold on like this, Kaz." your soft whisper cut through him, making him shiver. He could bear your screams, your anger, your madness, but the tenderness, the vulnerability you showed only around him… was much more dangerous to the cold Barrel Bastard. "I can go and return to you like nothing happened. I can stay near you and pretend I don't feel anything towards you. I can stop myself from wishing for your slightest touch. I can hide my true emotions around you and other people, just like I have done before… but please just prove to me that it's all worth it. That you can slowly take off pieces of your armour and let me see and be with the real you. Not the Brekker's mask you wore every time we were on Ketterdam's street. Not the Dirtyhands' cruel version of yourself that you created to survive in this town. Not the Bastard from the Barrel, who has so much power in his hands to take down his every enemy. Just the real you, Kaz. The genius-mind boss who cares about his people, not only the kruge. The man who loves his friends more than anything on this earth. The man who risked his own life and saved me from death's arms more times than I could count. Please… just give me this little piece of hope." he tried hard not to raise his gaze to meet your captivating, imploring irises that could touch Brekker's heart.
He knew that the moment he looked at your face, he would doom you both by giving in to this burning desire to be with you.
But he couldn't.
He had to keep you away from him.
"You must be foolish or delusional to think like that. I'm the Bastard from the Barrel. And I care about my crows, because they are good investments. Nothing more and nothing less, Y/L/N."
"Is this everything that we are? What am I to you? An investment?"
Kaz's mouth went dry as he felt the waters rising around him, when a familiar feeling of panic began to seep through his practised mask. He looked away, not wanting you to read his true emotions. Not wanting you to see how much he wanted to confess his true feelings to you.
No. You're my moon, my sun that illuminates me in my darkness. The reason why I'm even bothering to learn how to touch people without going under the water again. You give me hope and peace every time you're close to me. You're my greatest power and weakness. The only one in this bloody world who can change my plans. The only one I care about in the mornings, afternoons, nights, and midnights. I can't drink, eat, think, sleep, or work without thinking about you. You have the power over me. And that's terrified me.
He desperately wanted to give in to his desire.
But he couldn't.
He was too bruised and broken for you.
"Then I have my answer, Mr. Brekker." you broke the long, tense silence between you two. Kaz was too terrified to shift his gaze from the papers on his desk to the only woman who could easily crack the wall around his cold, almost dead heart with one of your smiles towards him. Too afraid to watch the tender expression on your face turn into a cold detachment, just like your tone of voice. "Sorry for taking up your precious time, boss. But I would rather be the foolish girl who falls in love too easily for her own good than a powerful man who doesn't want to feel anything. Nobody will sit around the table and tell a story about a man who loves only his kruge. No matter how great he was." your disappointed whisper lingered in his office long after you left.
He sat dazed in his chair until the candle stub burned out completely, leaving him alone in the darkness of his office. He stood up, lit a new candle, and watched the flame. He couldn't focus on anything other than replaying your conversation.
Rietveld's voice echoed in Brekker's head, somehow getting through his wall, mocking powerful Dirtyhands.
Coward.
And every breath that I’ve been taking since you left feels like a waste on me
"No way!" Jesper's loudspeaker scream snapped Kaz out of his thoughts. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hand, and got up from the desk.
He has done nothing since that fateful conversation. Absolutely nothing. He limited himself to staring blankly at the wall as his thoughts of Y/N effectively took complete control of him. He needed a distraction. Jesper's screams outside his office were perfect.
Without his cane, he walked to the door, eavesdropping on what was going on outside his office.
"Find another idiot to tell him. Or better yet, grab some suicide guy from the roof. If he wants to die anyway, he might as well act as a messenger for their one last time before Kaz rips their head off. SHIT!" the sharpshooter screamed in panic, nearly losing his balance as the door he was partially leaning against was opened by his rather worried boss. "Kaz, the fuck, since when are you sneaking around like that?!"
"Why exactly would I want to have ripped someone's heads off, Jesper?" he ignored his comment, eager to find out what they were hiding from him as soon as possible.
Maybe that would effectively occupy his head, so he could stop thinking about the tidemaker for a while. Unfortunately, neither of the two were in a hurry to answer his question.
"You know, there's always an occasion. Theft, insult, threat, frown, bad day, wedding, christening…" Jesper shut up, seeing that his attempts at a joke only infuriated an already irritated Kaz.
"Y/N is gone." Kaz unconsciously held his breath, feeling the whole world freeze around him for a moment, until anger and panic took hold of him.
"What? Did someone kidnap her? How did you look after her?!" he growled furiously, walking back to the office and limping towards his cane. His crows followed hesitantly, watching him struggle as he tried to put on his cloak in his haste.
"She runaway. I lost track of her around the harbour." a new revelation made Kaz freeze again. He stared blankly into the space between Jesper and Inej, turning his cane's crow head in his hand.
He should have anticipated that too. Had a backup plan. But he didn't. He's been acting strangely lately. He didn't recognize himself. But after all, that was what he had wanted all along - to stay away from Y/N. So why had her disappearance made him feel so much worse?
"Kaz? Should we send some people to…"
"No need, Inej. Go back to work. You too, Jesper." the gambler looked like he wanted to argue with him, but the Wraith, seeing their friend's strange behavior, grabbed his hand, and they obediently walked away from their boss.
Kaz leaned against the desk, dullly staring at the closed door.
It was supposed to be better that way. Neither you nor he will ever meet again. You won't exchange those longing glances again. You won't act like a couple of teenagers in love, and no one will ever attack or harm you to get to him again or to threaten him. Nobody was going to get hurt.
So why did he feel like he was going back under the water?
I’ve been holding on to hope That you’ll come back when you can find some peace Cause every word that I’ve heard spoken since you left feels like an hollow street
One week, two days, 10 hours, 34 minutes and 29 seconds. That's how long it's been since he last saw your face.
He was secretly hoping you'd come back to him and the crows. Fuck the crows, he just wanted you to walk through that damned door again and start arguing with him, shouting at him, cursing his name at all the saints you knew, so he could hear your voice again.
He missed you. More than he thought he would.
Irritatingly, everything around him reminded him of you.
Especially your empty seat during Crow's meetings. No one dared to occupy it, as if every one of the gathered was waiting for you to come through that door (or window) again with a malicious, characteristic smirk on your face, mumbling some insincere apology for being late.
It never happened. Though Inej prayed to her saints every day for your return. Just like the others. Although each of them experienced your departure differently. Jes stared often at the places you once occupied, imagining you were still there. Nina found herself often making too many waffles (of course, accidentally making exactly the few you were used to eating). Wylan often creates his bombs and other things in your favourite colours.
But Kaz probably took your absence the worst of them all.
If he had slept little before, fearing that nightmares about Jordie would haunt him, now he hardly slept at all. Because every time he closed his eyes, he saw your face. He heard your laugh. He smelled your perfume. He felt cursed. Cursed by you the moment your eyes looked at him full of sadness, anger, and disappointment... full of pain.
He thought that if you disappeared from his sight, he would forget about you and go back to normal. But your leaving only made him think of you more often and longer. He sat behind his desk for hours, staring blankly at the papers in front of him. Spread out plans, bills, and maps; it all stopped making sense to him. It stopped coming together, creating a perfect plan in his head.
All he could think about was you.
And Rietveld's voice, instead of being silenced and buried alive in his cold heart with your disappearance, only broke through his hard surface more and more often with the passing days without you by his side. And he wasn't holding back from taunting Dirtyhands at all.
The great Kaz Brekker fell victim to one of his own plans.
There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under
Even Ketterdam has felt your absence.
This time of year, it usually warms up enough for people to shed their heavy winter coats. However, it was the middle of spring, and a cool, icy wind still blew through the streets, bringing occasional, small snowfalls that melted on the street, creating mud.
Kaz had never despised the city he lived in more. Even it laughed in his face at his stupidity, reminding him that it was his fault that the only spark of joy and bewitchingness in this damned city had gone.
He shuddered as a child shoved past him, running happily to the ship that had come into harbour and thrown itself into its father's waiting arms. Brekker began to take rapid, panicked breaths. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of one of the buildings, trying to imagine something other than Jordie.
His haphephobia got worse.
Earlier, he could bear the fleeting touch of strangers, such as being brushed up against him in a crowd. It was no problem for him to touch his crows for a few minutes (especially you and your comfortable hugs, holding your hand, or just feeling your warm skin under his bare fingertips).
But now even the slightest contact with a stranger brought him immediately under the water. And the tiny touch from his crows raised the waves he had to calm in the privacy of his office.
He was rolling down. He knew it well. But he saw it as his personal punishment for hurting your feelings in a brutal way instead of gently cutting you off. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Kaz knew he was fooling himself. He would suffer anyway. He let you go too deep under his skin, penetrate his essence, and know his soul too well to just give up on you, and forget about you.
And what terrified him most was that, given the choice, he would let you in again. Even knowing he would be devastated after letting you go.
But it was better for you. You deserved something better than this life you would live with him.
And that one thought kept him sane. That he did it for your own good, that wherever you are now, he's sure you're better off than you were in Ketterdam.
Which didn't stop him from checking every ship that came into port in the sick hope of seeing your angelic face.
He just had to get over his grief. He did the same with Jordie.
The only difference was that he didn't dream of holding his brother back in his arms like he dreamed of you.
Maybe I, maybe I’m just being blinded By the brighter side Of what we had because it’s over Well there must be something in the tide
Kaz was on your bed, reading one of your books you accidentally left behind. It was all he could do lately. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd left that room for anything other than food and a change of clothes. He missed you. And he had no idea what he should do.
He inhaled your faint scent on the pillows.
In some strange way (probably because of your ability to control the water), you always smelled of the sea, even when you weren't near the harbour. Kaz hated water and hated the salty sea smell that hit him whenever he passed near the harbour. It reminded him of Jordie. But inexplicably, the smell of the sea on you brought him comfort, safety... peace.
Now it was a reminder of something else—how he let you slip through his fingers. In fact, he pushed you away from himself.
He shook his head, trying not to think about you. However, the world was always against him and never made things easy for him. The fact that the dried flower had fallen out of the book onto his chest was proof of that.
With trembling hands, he set the book aside and reached for the flower, afraid he would ruin it. However, the need to see if his eyes were deceiving him was greater than the fear of spoiling such a precious thing.
He remembered that flower. He put it in your hair himself.
"Just the two of us in a field of flowers? If I didn't know you better, I'd think it was a date, boss." he rolled his eyes as you giggled at his reaction.
"Stop it. Or they'll notice us." he muttered, trying to ignore the cool wind that somehow made its way through the high grass. He wrapped his cloak around him, enviously noting that the girl next to him didn't seem to feel that cold. He internally slapped himself for wanting to share his cloak with her.
"I highly doubt they'd want to look for us in that thicket of grass. Besides, usually when a woman is giggling at a place and situation like this, stealing some noblewoman's jewels is the last thing on her mind, Kaz. The same applies to her potential partner."
"As if I heard Jesper." he sighed, focusing on the nobles in front of them. The plan was for Jesper to distract them while he and Y/N collected what they had come for. Simple and fast, if his childish desire to be paired with Y/N did not overwhelm his senses. She distracted him more than he could afford.
"You and Jes also had a secret meeting among the wildflowers? Now, I'm jealous."
"Jes?" he asked, turning his surprised gaze on her.
"Yes, do you mind?"
"You've known him for a week." he remarked dryly.
"Yes, and what?"
"It took you two months to start calling me by my first name, let alone a nickname."
"Just because you preferred to call me tidemaker instead of using my name."
"To be honest, it might have slipped my mind then." he muttered under his breath, not realising she heard him.
"You forgot my fucking name?! Kaz Brekker you are the most ignorant person I've ever seen." Kaz knew from the anger in her eyes that only his haphephobia kept him from getting his ass kicked by Y/N.
"Well, now I remember." he tried to defend himself.
"I don't care, Brekker. Now you can even call me the fucking Easter Bunny and I won't answer you anyway."
"Don't be a child, Y/N. Y/N?" Kaz sighed in frustration when he got no response from you.
He had to come up with something; he knew this name thing wouldn't be resolved until he appeased you properly. And he didn't have time to indulge in your sulks. You had to rob these people. (It's not like his heart ached when you were mad at him.)
Fortunately, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that might help him. Your favourite flower, growing at his fingertips. He plucked a plant and put it behind your ear without thinking. You flinched at the sudden touch, staring at him in shock as the material of his gloves brushed your cheek as he pulled his hand away.
"Maybe I forgot your name then, but now I remember and know a lot more about you than just a stupid name."
"But how… how do you know I like y/f/f?" you asked in shock, never in your wildest dreams imagining that Kaz Brekker would bother with something like your favorite flower.
"You are my tidemaker. My most important investment. It's logical that I'll know you inside out."
"Should I be afraid or appreciate this unsettling but sweet effort?"
"You should know by now that nothing I do is sweet."
"Of course, big, terrible, Dirtyhands." you replied with a small smirk, similar to the one that kept Kaz from your sight.
To her, he could be more than Kaz Brekker. He could be Kaz Rietveld. And it terrified him more than the urge to reach out his hand again and fix her windblown hair.
The mastermind has been deceived by his own heart.
I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind Oh my Lord, oh my Lord, I need you by my side
"Zenik. Follow me." he muttered as he finally found the woman at the bar. He headed for his office without looking back, knowing full well that she would do as she was told this time.
"Yes, Kaz?"
"You are contacting Y/N." it wasn't a question. He knew it the moment Nina sent you her first letter a month ago.
He himself tried to send you his letter a week ago. It came back unopened, and the delivery man said no such person lives at this address. A lie he recognised without even knowing that Nina and you were still writing to each other.
"I am." she replied coolly. Kaz, seeing that he did not want to voluntarily cooperate, sighed and sat down in his chair. His leg was starting to hurt more and more often - another thing that went bad with you leaving.
"How is she?"
"Happy. Relatively. She is tormented by nightmares and unwanted thoughts about you." if Nina wanted to make him feel guilty, she did it brilliantly.
He already felt terrible without her judging eyes and dry answers. She must have seen the shadows under his eyes, as he did in his mirror. He had no right to pity himself. He knew it well. That's why he put up with Nina's attitude, in his stupid desire to know how you were doing.
"So… is she better off than here?"
"No. But that's not your problem anymore."
"Did she find someone?" he asked hesitantly, afraid of an affirmative answer.
"Possibly, things are evolving."
Kaz felt the world stop around him for a moment. The idea of someone else watching how you play with water and create ice sculptures, someone listening to your beautiful voice and making you laugh, someone capable of holding you and kissing you, made him sick. A sick sense of jealousy that Kaz only experienced when he saw the wealth of others.
A rash desire to come for you overtook him. He had to have you back. Before you fall in love with someone other than him.
"Do you think if we…"
"No, Kaz." Nina cut him off before he could ask a question. "You wanted to get rid of her, so hold on to your fucking decision. You hurt her, and you knew damn well you would, by ordering her to return to Ravka. Honestly, Kaz, did you think about how it would impact her? How she would feel? If you wanna break her heart again, go on. Chase her. Let's see if she forgives you also this time."
"Then what should I do?" he asked, and the desperation and hopelessness of his tone terrified both him and the woman standing in front of his desk. Nobody had ever seen him like this. Even you. And now he was ready to open up to anyone just to have you by his side again.
"Forget about her. After all, that's what you wanted, right?" he did not answer.
She was right. He wanted to get rid of you. Now he was paying the price, and he had no right to ask you to ease his pain and return to the Kettedram. Return to him. Which doesn't mean that his stupid heart will just let him forget about you. He's learned that over the months without you. And he cursed all the saints that he didn't know it until he gave you the cold shoulder.
Kaz no longer had the right to your affection. He had to accept it. He had to accept that he had given up his chance to love you. That now you had every right to go and love someone else. Even if the very idea drove him crazy and desperate.
He must have forgotten about you. For the sake of all of you.
But Nina's slamming of his office door only brought him back to his memories of you.
There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under
Kaz fell. He was in the most pathetic position.
He didn't care, though, as he sat like a fool on the shore of the same lake where he met you. At which he irreversibly gave you the remnants of his heart a few years ago, without even knowing it.
He told himself that Nina was right. Once he let you go, he had to persevere in that resolve. Ketterdam will only bring you pain... so why was it so hard for him to let go of his last ties to you?
"Why are you coming here with me?" your gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts as he stared spellbound at your little water show.
"Am I bothering you?" he asked, shifting in his place on the dock as he watched you float in the lake.
He wouldn't even dip his little toe in himself, but he liked to silently watch you become one with what was dear to you. And by the way, he could admire your skills and beauty as much as he wanted. He didn't have to look for any particular excuse.
"No. It's just that I've never seen you watch your other crows train."
"They're not like you." it slipped out before he could think about it. "If anyone sees you, I better get them before they announce to the world that one of the Black General's tidemakers has taken refuge with me." your smirk dropped at the mere mention of your former life. Kaz cursed in his mind. "You are also too valuable an investment. And the rest of the crows liked you. It's a big achievement. Inej doesn't let new people in so easily... me too."
"So you like me after all, boss?" you asked with that mischievous smirk on your lips that made his heart beat like crazy. Good thing water was your specialty. At least you didn't hear his heart pounding.
"You're tolerable company, and what you can do… what you can do is amazing."
"It's just little tricks." you murmured, forming different shapes out of the water. "At the king's parties, I was quite often one of the highlights." you waved your hand, freezing the water to form an ice statue. His statue. "Not every tidemaker is strong enough to freeze water." with another wave of your hand, to his silent displeasure, you melted the ice. "Not to mention turning ice into water again. Most just stop at its liquid form and don't train any more. I like to think I'm too curious to ever stop exploring my powers."
"Or stubborn." he said with a small smirk, listening to your wonderful laugh.
He must have been cursed from the start, since fate had put someone so perfect in his path... someone he could never have. But he could have been watching you. Enjoy his eyes with your beauty and his ears with the tone of your voice.
"Sometimes that's a good trait too. You taught me that yourself."
"How convenient for you to learn from me only what you want and not what you need."
"Sometimes what we want is more important than what we need and what is more rational for us."
"What for example?"
"Love." he tried to keep a poker face, but apparently his eyes betrayed more than he would have liked, as you gave him a confused, questioning look. "What? You've never been in love?"
NO. Not until he looked into your eyes and heard you laugh. Not until he got into your first argument with you and lost with a smile on his face. Not until he first saw you use your powers to outsmart the bandits who attacked you. Not until he saw how the moonlight in Ketterdam made your eyes shine even more than usual, so that you might as well have lit up all of the city with your beauty. Not until he first heard his name come out of your mouth. No, until he foolishly began to believe in Inej's saints, when he saw how tenderly and kindly you treat the orphans in the streets of Ketterdam.
"This silence means either a very powerful heartbreak, or you really only love a kruge."
"What if I really never loved anyone? What if I don't believe in love?" he whispered, looking up at you. You sneaked up to him so that you were standing in front of him. Water trickled down your hair and along your neck to the hand you held out to him. You opened your hand, handing him a small shell.
"The world is too cruel for such beliefs, Kaz. If we don't believe in love, why should we get out of bed at all? Why do we accumulate all these riches and try to survive each day?" Kaz didn't know the answer. Not one that would allow him to avoid the uncomfortable subject of his feelings for you.
He took the shell from you and, being careful not to break it, put it in his pouch. Along with the other little things you fished out of the water.
Your eyes met. You stared into the other's eyes for a moment, lost in your own dreams, which were not too different from each other... Yet neither of you had the courage to admit them out loud and risk everything you had been so carefully building between yourselves. Even if your hearts burned for more.
So he sat with you in silence, watching you play with the water and analysing what you told him. What was the reason for his existence?
Kaz from a year ago would have answered quickly and without thinking. Revenge. But now that he was looking at you, he wasn't so sure about his answer… or at least it was closer to something much different than his desire for revenge.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh It's your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in And I'm tired of being so exhausted
He sat behind his desk, involuntarily reminiscing about the day it all began.
The day he almost lost you. The day you almost died in his arms. The day you told him something he secretly wanted to hear but wasn't prepared for. The day he will curse forever.
This was your first assignment after returning from Ravka and the whole sun summoner thing. A childish, simple burglary. Something to warm up his crows—a return to the reality of Ketterdam without queens and kings and politics.
And so it was. You filled your pockets with valuables and were about to leave when one of the guards spotted you. They were much better armed than you (it was supposed to be a simple robbery with no witnesses and no blood spilled, so you only had daggers and knives "just in case") and strangely familiar with all the secret passages in the small mansion.
Even though you found yourself in a terrible situation, you managed to leave the property. You laid out in the finish as you and Kaz ran towards the club. One of the guards shot at you and hit you. Very accurate, almost piercing your heart with a bullet.
Kaz stared dazedly as you screamed in pain as you clutched your chest and tumbled onto the muddy, cobbled road. He reacted faster than he thought, throwing the dagger at the man who shot you and killing him instantly. Inej would have praised him for such a throw.
But that effective kill didn't matter to him now. He ran over to you in a panic and kneeled beside you, tugging at the fabric of your shirt. He hissed as he saw the blood pouring down your skin.
"Kaz..." you groaned, looking at him terrified. Kaz ripped off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it tightly around your waist, trying to stop the gushing blood. "Cold." you mumbled, shivering in his arms. Brekker didn't even notice as he placed you in his lap; he was too busy to stop the bleeding until he found bloody Zenik. Where was she when he really fucking needed her?
"Shhh…. I know. Just try to hold on a little longer, okay? Nina and Jes will be here soon." he tried to calm you down by running his hand through your sweat-soaked hair. He rocked you back and forth, not knowing who he was trying to reassure—you or himself.
"We both know they won't make it on time."
"If you're wasting your energy talking, at least say something useful instead of talking nonsense, tidemaker." he growled at you, tightening his grip on you. "You're not getting away from me that fast. I didn't invest so much in you to make you leave before…" Until I tell you how much you mean to me... "Until we fill our vault with tonnes of Kruge."
"I could have predicted that even on my deathbed you'd be talking about the fucking Kruges." you laughed, coughing up some blood, which didn't calm his already madly beating heart. Where is that damn Zenik?
"Die in my arms and I promise I'll go back to hell for you. The devil can wait for you - I signed a pact with you first." you suddenly became serious, squeezing his gloved hand tighter and staring into his eyes as if they were the only stars in your dark sky.
"Kaz… I… I have to tell you…"
"Shut up, Y/L/N. You're not dying today." he snarled a warning, squeezing you so hard that he was sure to leave bruises on your arms. Panic rose in him as he felt your body slowly go limp, your breaths becoming less and less frequent.
"Kaz… I love you." you whispered, making him freeze in a daze. You only said those words in his wildest dreams. He had secretly dreamed of it many times, but certainly not like this. Not while your soul was slowly escaping from this cruel world unworthy of you.
He doesn't remember exactly when Nina came running, or how Jesper took you out of his arms, or how he kept up with Jesper's frantic pace as he ran with you in his arms.
But he surely was shaking all the way to the Crow Club. He only breathed a few hours after Nina announced to everyone that you would live. Then he left, without even entering your room to make sure Zenik's words were true, and locked himself in his office.
Tears began to fall from his eyes as he leaned against the door.
He could have lost you. Forever. Another person close to him.
His dreams would be tormented by the sight of your bloody corpse in some dirty alley. Again, he felt like that helpless little boy who had lost his brother. He found himself with Jordie THERE again.
Kaz couldn't go through all of it again. He wouldn't get up after your death. And there was only one thing he could do...
Fuck it all.
He needed you.
He was too exhausted to pretend any longer.
He was Kaz Brekker. He didn't need a reason. But his slowly dying heart without you seemed to be enough of an excuse to see you. Even if you're going to completely break it. Even the cold Bastard from the Barrel saw it as a good deal.
"JESPER!" he shouted, jumping out of his chair with his cane in hand.
"Yes?" his friend was at his side faster than ever.
"Tell the others to pack up. We're leaving in an hour." he muttered, taking out his travel bag from the wardrobe. Even without turning around, he knew a big smile had formed on Jesper's face.
We're going to get my girl back.
"About the damn time, Kaz." he patted him on the back and ran out of his office, telling the other crows the good news.
Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Your love I'm lost in Even though I'm nothing to you now Even though I'm nothing to you now
Kaz had been afraid of a few things in his life, but walking through the threshold of your new apartment seemed to be the most terrible of all his fears.
His crows obeyed him without objection for the first time in their lives and stayed at the hotel. He came here. On trembling legs and a rapidly beating heart. With his soul on his shoulder, ready to sacrifice and do anything to get you back. And if you didn't change your mind, it would be with a mind ready to carve your image into his memory so he could enjoy seeing you one last time in his miserable life.
Before he could change his mind, he knocked on the door.
He waited patiently, hearing footsteps approaching. He held his breath as the key turned in the lock.
But you weren't the one who opened the door for him.
"What?" a well-built, dark-haired man stood in the doorway.
Kaz began to compare himself to him, concluding that, when it came to appearance, he was superior to him in everything. He didn't stand a chance against someone like that for your heart. Doubts began to flood back into him. What if Nina was right?
"Are you going to stand here for half a day or..."
"Jackson!" your voice from the depths of the apartment shook Kaz. It froze him completely, irritating the man in front of him even more. "I need your help here, you big fool. What are you doing?" a moment later, you were standing in the vestibule. Your eyes met. Kaz shivered under your gaze, cursing himself for how quickly he fell under your spell as he stood there completely dazed.
"Y/N." your name came out of his mouth reverently, like a prayer, like a song long forgotten by a wanderer. You looked exactly the same as you did a few months ago. Except for the faint shadows under his eyes, which Kaz considered his greatest enemies.
"Kaz."
"Jackson. Hello there." the man waved at him, stepping between you. Jackson looked at you, worried. Kaz felt both anger welling up in him, a feeling of envy at how close you were with this strange guy, but also relief that you had someone close to take care of you. Not that you couldn't overcome the worst hell alone. He just felt relieved that you didn't have to. "Let him in, or should I kick his ass, wave?"
Wave? Did you two have nicknames for each other?
"It's all right. You can leave us." you said as you walked past him to face Kaz. The man behind you sighed, shaking his head.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
It might as well have been directed at Kaz. For the first time in his whole new Dirtyhands' life, he didn't have a plan, an emergency exit, or another backup plan. But now he was standing in front of you, staring at you helplessly as he absorbed your form. And that damn sea smell in your hair...
"Kaz."
"Y/N." he said as he came back down to earth. He took a small, calming breath. "How are you?"
"Really? Are you here just to ask how I'm doing?" she asked incredulously, folding her arms.
Kaz wrinkled his nose at your dry, angry tone. As he could see, it would be even more difficult than he thought. He stood in front of you, twirling his cane nervously in his hands.
"I'm here for a completely different reason, but I couldn't… I couldn't not come and see you." he admitted turning his gaze back to you after lowering his head in embarrassment.
"I'm alright. My brother and I are having a great time."
"Brother?" he asked. Relief and joy washed over him. Nor could he help himself to this naive hope, which began to warm his cold heart.
"Yes... Jackson. Who did you think he was?" he did not answer. You could have guessed. He knew you saw the flicker of jealousy in his eyes after that strange man called you a wave. You were his tidemaker, his wave, his sea, and all the fucking things. For a moment, he forgot that he was the one who had deprived himself of the right to claim against you. "You saw me, you asked how I was, so you can go now. Goodbye, Kaz." you were about to close the door on him, but at the last moment he put his cane between them, preventing you from doing so. You opened your door again, giving him a questioning look.
"Come back with me." he whispered, defeated. He couldn't let you go. Not again, not after there was still the slightest chance you might still want him.
"What?" you whispered softly, pretty sure you misheard him.
"There's no other reason why I'm here... I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't think or function like a normal person without you next to me. I'm one step away from daydreaming about you, hallucinating, and being insane that you're still by my side, so please... I'm begging you to come back to me. I know I don't deserve you and that I hurt you. You have every right to kick me out, but please, Y/N, just come home."
"What exactly am I supposed to come back to, Kaz? A cold, surly boss who is afraid of his feelings? Who doesn't hesitate to hurt me to protect his heart?"
"I'm not... I'm not good at this. Feelings. I... I don't know what it's like to love, but I know that when I'm with you... when I'm with you, nothing else matters. Not Ketterdam, not power, not Kruge, not wealth, not profit—nothing has ever been on my pedestal. Only you. Always you. And maybe I'm terrified of it, but now I know that I'd rather fight my own demons for you than let you go. I will try my best. If you still want me." he stared at you with undisguised hope in his eyes, only now realising how close he had come to you during your conversation. He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, cupping your cheek uncertainly. "I love you, Y/N... even if I'm nothing to you now." he murmured, risking everything and resting his forehead against yours with a sigh.
There must be something in the water Cause everyday it's getting colder And if only I could hold you You'd keep my head from going under
He inhaled your scent with his eyes closed, waiting for your move. Hope grew with him every second you continued to let him be so close to you.
"You're an idiot, Kaz Brekker." he didn't contradict or argue with you. He was a complete idiot, pushing you away and begging you to come back, all the while acting like a love-crazy fool… however, he wouldn't have it any other way if it meant you taking your place in his office again. If someday he could hold you in his arms… "You have lucky you're my idiot. With all of your bruises, scars, and everything else." you promised, hugging him tighter. You pulled away from him with serious eyes, making Kaz swallow. "But if you do that shit again, forget I'm coming back to you. Also, we need to seriously work on your communication, Brekker. Do you know how long I've had to struggle here with that other idiot who claims to be my brother?"
"I can hear all of it!" you sighed at your brother's grumbling and gave Kaz a meaningful look. Brekker smiled slightly, causing a matching goofy smirk to appear on your face.
"See? But seriously, I'm not kidding. Last chance, Kaz."
"A deal is a deal. You're never going anywhere without me again."
"A red flag!" your brother coughed from the kitchen. You rolled your eyes, grabbing the edge of Kaz's coat sleeve.
"Shut up, Jackson. I'm leaving, I'll be back in an hour! Try not to burn down the apartment, spitfire."
You didn't wait for his answer as you slammed the door behind you and stepped out with Kaz into the street. Brekker led you towards the hotel where the other crows were staying. His hand in yours, which did not escape your notice. You turned your head towards him, giving him a confused look, which made him smile slightly, shifting his gaze to the port and the sea.
At one point, he noticed that one of the waves "attacked" a trader, washing him over. He cursed so loudly that you could hear him even from this distance. Kaz shifted his gaze to you, immediately noticing the sly smirk on your face. Suddenly, the wallet fell from the sky right into your waiting hand, along with droplets of salty, cool water.
He chuckled, shaking his head in amusement as he pulled you closer to him, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. A self-satisfied smirk formed on his face after seeing your blush.
One day, he will be able to touch you without his gloves. Hold in your arms without layers of clothes on. He will do it. No matter how long it takes him to get rid of the greatest demon of his past. But something told him that you'd keep his head from going under the water again. His queen of waves. His crow. His anchor. And he will make sure that he holds you in his arms forever. 
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myhairpintrigger · 1 year
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Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog and immediately fell in love with your writing (that darkling fic), so I don't know if you write for Nikolai, but I think that man is a man written by Taylor Swift, so if you could, could you write a fic based on a song “I think he knows” like maybe they're friends but Nikolai has a crush on her and Nikolai is always smug about it and shamelessly flirts with her because he loves getting her all flustered but she just shrugs him off because she believes that Nikolai is always flirty with everyone but Nikolai proved her wrong and just continued on flirting with her until one day she confessed that she also has a crush on him? I don't know if that made sense.
this is my first time writing for Nikolai, admittedly, so I apologise if it isn't the most magical thing you've ever read. I did try though! but ill stand by when I said the entire grishverse was ghostwritten by Taylor swift. there is no questions. PERIOD. btw I love u, anon <333
warnings: none
word count: 2k
I Want You, Bless my Soul
(nikolai lantsov x fem!reader)
-
“One of these days I am going to charm you into a kiss, and then you won’t be able to resist me.”
You scoffed and looked up at your best friend while he stood over the desk you sat at, sketching a bit in your notebook, “A kiss? I bet you offer kisses to all the girls you know.” You countered and glanced back down at your work. 
Nikolai simply shrugged and sat down on the other side of his desk and he crossed his arms over his chest, “Well, there aren’t many girls around here to talk to.” He argued back playfully and reached across the desk to give your nose a little tap. 
“You’re insufferable!” You gasped playfully and then you shook your head, “you should be ashamed, making all the girls around you feel so pretty and special.”
“Does that mean I make you feel pretty and special?” He asked excitedly and you simply shook your head. 
“No, because I know better, Lantsov.”
“Ah. Well. One of these days. You’ll see.” He promised and you rolled your eyes in return. 
-
You stood up on the deck of Nikolai’s ship and drummed your fingers against the hard wood rails while you watched some of the Grisha on the ship work to keep it sailing smoothly. You’d been friends with the blonde prince as long as you could remember, and when he skipped off to do his own business and sail, he’d eagerly invited you to join him. 
Meaning, you were the only person aboard the ship to know he was the Lantsov prince, a secret of which you kept at the utmost importance. You loved the boy with all of your heart- a little bit too deeply- in fact, you were one hundred percent sure that you were in love with your best friend. But the only issue was, he was a natural flirt. It seemed like every girl he spoke to, every time he opened his mouth, every word he said, had someone swooning or falling to their knees. You had accepted a long time ago that you had no shot with the prince and you had made your peace with it. 
That didn’t make it any easier when he came around just to bother you, though. 
Like right now. 
You sat down on a little bench on the deck of the ship and peered out at the water around you, and Nikolai mirthfully approached you and reached out to hand you something. You looked down into his strong hand and saw a little pearl resting in the palm of his hand.
“Look. I found it in one of the oysters we caught.” He said proudly and you gently took the shimmering pearl out of his hand and held it up to the light.
“It’s pretty. What are you gonna do with it?” You asked and placed it back in his hand. 
“Well, I was going to give it to you. Because it’s so lovely, it just reminded me of you. Plus, it sparkles like your eyes or something like that. Was that a romantic enough thing to say?” He asked and winked down at you. 
You scoffed, as you often did in his presence, and took the pearl from him again, “Oh, please. It was just about as cheesy as it gets, you brat.” You replied and he hummed. 
“Well then why are you blushing?” He asked and pointed down at you, wiggling his finger near your face. 
You gaped up at him and you brought your hand up to your face to feel your cheeks which were indeed, quite warm and you scowled at him, “I am not blushing!” You protested, which caught the attention of Tamar nearby. 
She glanced in your direction and then up at the blonde boy in front of you and she grinned, “Oh yeah. You’re blushing. Hard.” She commented and Nikolai pumped his fist in victory. You stood up from the bench and tucked the pearl away in your pocket before you shook your head and stomped off below deck. 
-
The next time the Prince flustered you had to be in front of the Sun Summoner herself, and you couldn’t remember a time where you’d been more lost for words. You stood in his office while he went over some maps with Alina and her friend Mal, who stood awkwardly to the side. You took a guess and figured he did that a lot. Standing off to the side. You were perched on the corner of Nikolai’s desk and you tapped a spot on the map. 
“We gotta be careful here. Big rocks, remember?” You pointed out and he wasted no time in making you a mess. 
He reached down and grabbed your hand off of the map and raised it up to his lips, kissing your knuckles politely, “Ah yes. Big rocks. Not much bigger than the one I’ll put on your finger one day, though.” 
You stared up at him and your jaw almost dropped. He still held your hand in his and you wanted to yank it away and go hide, but half of you wouldn’t allow you to even budge. You let out a breathy, nervous laugh and you shook your head, “Time and place.” You mumbled under your breath and looked away from him but he simply tightened his grip on your hand and grinned. 
“We’d make beautiful children too, Alina, don’t you think? Her bone structure and her eyes and my hair and smile?”
The Sun Saint stood there and let out an awkward laugh before she looked to Mal and he cleared his throat, mentioning something or other about the sea whip. You tugged your hand away from Nikolai and looked down at your lap for a long time before you slid off of the desk and you put your hands into your pockets. 
“I’m going to head to bed I think. It’s been a very long day.” You squeaked and then without another word, you dashed out of his office and went to stand at your favorite spot at the back of the ship. 
You let the brisk night’s air cool your cheeks and you let out a long, frustrated sigh. You hardly thought it was fair that he kept flirting with you, especially when it was just so casual and asinine.  No one was on deck at this time of night and you took advantage of that and leaned over the side of the boat to feel the sea spray against your cheeks. You wanted to slap the smug little smile off of Nikolai’s face every time he made you feel so… giddy. You wanted to scream at him and tell him that it wasn’t fair that he unleashed butterflies in your stomach every time he opened up his beautiful mouth. But most of all, you wanted to smack him in the middle of the chest and tell him just how in love with him you were and just how unfair it was that he teased you relentlessly for it. 
That was why he did it, right?
You wondered for a moment and then finally shook your head. There was no other explanation. You’d known the boy since you were both just children and he’d always been a shameless little flirt with everyone, especially in his teenage years. It made sense that perhaps this was how he interacted. This was just his personality, everybody knew so… right?
You nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt a hand on your shoulder and you turned around with your hands raised, only to feel waves of relief when you saw it was only Nikolai. 
“You scared me.” You commented with a sigh and the boy shrugged and then he let out a laugh, a beautiful sound that brought a smile to your lips. 
“Yeah I can tell. You look very menacing with your hands up like that. I almost feared for my life.” He teased and you rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him back before you turned back to the water, silence settling over the two of you. 
“So,” Nikolai began and leaned up against the rails next to you, “Is this the part where we kiss? In front of the ocean, under the light of the moon?” He singsonged and sidled up closer to you. 
You turned and looked at him with a frown, “You have to stop that.” You said quietly and then bit down on your bottom lip. 
“Stop what?” He asked cluelessly.
You studied his face and then you shook your head, “Nikolai, I mean you need to stop messing with me like this. I’m not just every girl. They all swoon for you and they all giggle and blush when you talk to them but for me it’s just… so much more complex.”
He raised his eyebrow curiously as if he didn’t understand what you meant and you let out a long sigh and rubbed your face, already blushing, “Nikolai, I am in love with you. I have been for years, and I probably will be for a long time. And when you sit and flirt with me like this… make me feel special, make me feel so giddy, it makes it even harder for me because that’s how you talk to every girl!” You said, hiding your face in your hands. 
There was a long pause in which you could only hear the ocean around you along with the wind, when suddenly the boy next to you let out a loud, amused laugh. Your face turned even redder and you went to walk away before he grabbed onto your arm and he pulled you back to him and grinned down at you.
“Oh, y/n. My sweet, sweet girl. Do you ever hear me say these things to other girls? Really.” He asked and you blinked up at him. 
You knew he had a charming demeanor, but come to think of it, he’d never made comments like the ones he made to you to every other girl he ever met. You stared up at him blankly and he laughed again, a beautiful sound that made you want to melt into his arms entirely. 
“I’ll take that as a no.” He replied and then he let out a soft sigh, “I don’t mess about with other girls, I don’t tease them relentlessly like I do you. And it’s all for good reason. You’re simply the only girl I have my sights on, and saints are you a slippery little worm. I think I’ve finally got you and then you’re running off and hiding.” 
Shock was evident on your face, this much you were sure of, and you shook your head once, “You have got to be kidding me.” Was all you could manage and Nikolai laughed again and he reached down to cup your cheeks. 
“My pretty y/n. I’d never joke about such things.” He said, leaning closer to your face. 
“Oh for the love of the saints, Nikolai.” You groaned and stood up on your toes to finally greet his lips with your own. 
The kiss was met with much eagerness from the Prince and he only pulled you closer to him as he kissed you back with a sweetness unlike anything you’d ever felt. Butterflies fluttered around your stomach and when he finally pulled back, his grin was highlighted by the moon as he stared down at you as if you were the most beautiful thing in the world to him. 
“I do believe I told you that one day I’d charm you into a kiss.” He pointed out smugly and you grabbed the collar of his shirt and shook your head. 
“I think I’m the one that charmed you.” You remarked and pulled him down to where your noses brushed. 
“More than you’ll ever know.” He replied softly before he brought another heavenly kiss to your lips.
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