#how the fuck I'm about to be 19

[mod2amaryllis]

who else haunted by an apology you never got the chance to make???? 🤪🤪🤪

#this isn't too serious this is about my college roommate #i was awful and i think about it all the time and wish i could send her a pizza and say any resentment is justified i'm so sorry #but i don't keep track of people. i don't know her last name i don't know how to contact her or if she'd even want that #i just think about it constantly for some fucking reason #if you're out there....man i'm sorry i didn't try harder to be friends i was 19 and at my absolute worst #I'm sorry about the illegal rat cage i never cleaned #literally i wish i could pay you reparations you wouldn't have to say a word to me just receive 'you didn't deserve that' + 50 usd #i think part of why this particular memory is so persistent- and has been for years like it constantly comes up when i'm tired- #is because the stakes are relatively low #like i was just a shit. i was just annoying and unkind. and then we both moved on and i'm better now and i assume she's ok. #the scope of it is just small enough.... like a burr. in my brain. #I'm hoping if i throw this into the ether i won't think about it as much lol #m2a

[tuff-ponyboy]

adding on to the idea that dal's room at buck's would become an urban legend, I think the same would happen for the park where bob was killed at. the swings go crazy every night just after 2 am......the fountain water supposedly turns to blood every year on the anniversary of bob's death.....parents tell their children to be home for curfew or else an old greaser ghost will get you...

#my paranoid crazy ass most definitely would do this shit #do you guys have any urban legends about your town? the high school here has an underground bunker that kids in the 70s would go down to #and do 'santanic rituals' which sounds like some satanic panic shit but it was real! #there was a book made about it....and then another book made about it... #one kid killed himself and his house burned down but a pic of him survived the fire #his friend was on Main Street and got hit in the head by a car and then another had the same thing happen in Vegas #they all had something happen to the left side of their face. like homeboy shot himself on the left side and they all got hit on the left #his grave at my city cemetery is destroyed :( which is so sad but so fucking creepy #so I'm terrified about this my whole life right? like I can't sleep bc he's gonna get me and then i read the book when I'm 19 and it was #the most edgelord ass shit I have ever read. shit pissed me off cuz everyone in town says how terrifying it is but it wasn't at all #anyway if you have read this far and want the book name it is written by the same author who wrote go ask Alice #the outsiders #the outsiders 1983 #dallas winston #johnny cade #bob sheldon #ponyboy curtis #i just be saying shit #the outsiders headcanons #my headcanons #I guess another legend is how this kid got whacked by his mom in the 80s with a hammer and died but that was very much real and tragic #I just say it's a legend cuz I grew up near the house and had to walk past it every day from school! #my mom was across the street when it happened and she saw the body bag and then my aunt asked my grandparents if they were going to kill #her and her sisters! okay wait fjdjdjdj the mom also had a hit list which was full of people in the ward (church..Mormons live here) #I love that fact tbh like it's so fucking tragic but the fact she had beef with church people and wanted them dead.....Yeah

[benchtrioupdates]

Tubbo posted on Twitter!

#tubbo #mod jay #id in alt text #me every time i get reminded about my age. like yeah me too i'm also 19 how the fuck did this happen

[hamletisabitch]

.

#you enter one codependent relationship in high school and it fucks you up for the next 5 years huh #I'm dating for the first time since I was like 19 and I feel sooooooooooo normal #oh you're being a sweetheart to me because i had a shit day?? i feel tempted to cancel our date bc kindess is a trap #what the fuck man #how do you nicely say 'hey I've known you for two weeks but if i don't tell you about my ex who manipulated and saed me #you're not going to have any context for how I'm behaving' #i hate it here

[running-in-the-dark]

had a conversation about gym class with my friend who I went to school with today - it was depressing but also nice to hear that her experience with it (at that particular school) was just as bad as mine.

I don't think the way my school treated gym class was entirely normal tbh. it was completely different to the school I went to after, anyway. and everyone I talked to there only knew gym class to be a pretty fun, lighthearted thing. at my old school it was only about achievement, you had to be perfect, if not you were usually yelled at. and if you couldn't participate because you were feeling a bit ill (but not enough to stay home from school) you were ridiculed and/or insulted in front of the whole class. this happened with every gym teacher we had over the whole 9 years there.

it felt like two hours of punishment, there was nothing good about it. and it made at least the both of us feel like any kind of exercise/sport, especially in a group setting, was terrifying - for years after. even my much more positive experience at the other school I went to didn't make that go away.

#maybe my school really just sucked #I mean I already know it did. but maybe it did in even more ways than I thought #maybe it's a Gymnasium thing. idk. any Germans please feel free to comment if gym class at your school was like this #and it wasn't just because we were bad at sports or anything. I got very good grades in gym class at the other school. and my friend does a #ton of different sports now and everything #I remember there was a girl in my class who got a 1 (the best grade) in every other class and a 4 (out of 6) in gym class. and the teacher #was so fucking awful and gleeful about it. he made fun of her so much. #I'm pretty sure I was about to get a 6 in gym class right before I dropped out - and that definitely played a part tbh. I just couldn't #spend one more second with that gym teacher. he was horrible and gross and mean (and sexually harassed girls at another school! but of #course he was still allowed to teach at our school!! ľ #anyway. gym class was the worst part of my (already not great) life from 11 to 19 so I hope all my old gym teachers break both their legs :) #except one. he was really nice to us and didn't do any of the stuff the others did. but we only had him for a year in between all the other #ones so it wasn't enough :( #like one of our (female!!) teachers would loudly make fun of girls who said they couldn't participate because they were on their period and #in too much pain. #in front of everyone. when we were like 13. #I hate that woman more than any of the others. #lol it's funny how like half of my issues are because of my parents and the other half is because of that fucking school #I will never forgive my mother for forcing me to go there and never letting me change schools even though I asked to for 8 fucking years #personal

[beast-feast]

I will hold onto you until we're both bleeding from our nails digging into one another. I am too afraid to lose you. I am too afraid to be seen, to be misunderstood. Don't you feel the same way? Aren't you afraid too?

I will bear my teeth towards anyone that threatens our integrity. I will be my worst self.

#eghhghhh feeling weird rn but it's a borderline thing i guess #i hate talking about it if i can be so fucking real. not because its the Bad Evil Disorder but because it #gives an explanation for my thought patterns ans behaviors. i dont want an explanation i just want people to think I'm an asshole #and its easier for people to think I'm just some clingy obsessed freakazoid like how it was in middle school #than have to explain my 19 years of trauma and abuse and what went wrong to make me traumatize and abuse others #but oh well. becoming so protective over projecting my mental illness onto fictional characters to the point of hostility at the mere IDEA #of something happening. whatever it may be. it is then. that's what I'm stuck with #vent art #i guess ??? #I'm just mostly word vomiting honestly and getting thoughts out. and now I'm going to bed i rearranged my room and now I'm TIRED

[alteredbeast]

it's disheartening when people in my classes don't know how to make desktop shortcuts on windows or whatever but the "people under 20 don't know how to use computers" posts are starting to get really fucking grating. i'll be honest

#'app is a mobile phone buzzword to people over 20' i'm 19. i say programs. what the fuck are you ONNN #i even still say 'click' when i'm talking about things i'm doing on my phone. what more could you want from me #like i work at my campus's IT helpdesk! it's not even a sentiment i disagree with honestly. but you must understand how annoying it is #any post like that will have hundreds of replies like 'what? i know how to use a computer.' and they'll be ignored in favor of 1-2 replies #that confirms the poster's worldview- that young people are so phone addicted they don't know what file explorer is

[sob-dylan]

i quit smoking weed a few weeks ago on account of my being a dumbass, and i have replaced that addiction with a newfound crochet addiction. so yeah. i guess you could say i'm doing "sobriety" better than any other "sober" person in the history of "sobriety."

#i've been crocheting a bunch of little necklaces and giving them to all my friends #and now i'm crocheting a tote bag with granny square hearts #and next i think i'm gonna crochet a capybara for my siblings birthday #i hate “sobriety” but i'm fucking crushing it tbh #(i'm putting “sobriety” in quotes bc i'm still drinking #but i'm not doing any other drugs #except for the poppers i did last weekend but to paraphrase the late great dr. wendy carr #how could anyone get satisfaction out of something that only last 19 seconds? #but fr i just learned that one of my friends had to go to the hospital after taking too much acid and a bunch of other shit last week #and there may even be some permanent side effects #so i'm serious about getting straight! #i'm serious!) #personal

[snezhishka]

Years have passed since I've given up on tianshan being developed properly without mo constantly being made fun of by the narrative. I've still checked on 19 days from time to time. Then the fucking kiss happens. Then last fucking update. Feeling like a clown. I've been there since the beginning reading tons of fanfics and even making fanart which I only do for things I'm obsessed with. I suppose I never really gave up on the ship itself. It's just constantly seeing people in comments of chapters making light of how Tian treated Mo. How everyone acted like that's normal and ok and nothing should change. So I believed them and thought that that's how it is and that's author's intention and the way I saw this ship won't be canon. And then it fucking became canon. Still hate all these people in the comments though they're fucking annoying

#I'm talking about russian fandom #I wasn't even aware there was a big english speaking fandom until recently tbh #I still believe that TianShan started out as a toxic ship with huge power imbalance btw #and yeah I still shipped it cos I thought their relationship ship will develop and they (mostly Tian) #will change their behaviour #and I was fucking right #I love fictional relationships like this cos that's how human being are especially two teenage boys with unresolved trauma #of course their relationship will be unhealthy they don't know shit #there is no such thing as a perfect victim and I hate this concept so much #so stories about hurt people that hurt people and then they grow and learn how to deal with their emotional and other problems have always #been dear to me #tianshan #19 days

[loyalhorror]

[watches my sister, a recovering alcoholic, relapse because of reading about our mother, whose alcohol abuse caused...everything] oh boy

#rat.exe #alcoholism // #addiction // #i came pretty fucking close to going down the exact same path. #also to be clear my sister relapsing is completely understandable i'm not judging her for it. #it's just like. the irony (?) of it. #also the unpleasantness of like. #my sister was my primary abuser until i was 19 lmfao so it's very weird to be going through this with her. #me comforting her then heading to therapy tomorrow to talk about how she assaulted me repeatedly-- #csa //

[izzymalec]

biggest mystery about hannibal is how i understood anything when watching it 10 years ago

#txt #honestly i don't think i did #being 15 and only having learnt english for 5 years but understanding a single word mr mikkelsen is muttering? i don't fucking think so #and then the metaphors as well like girl don't lie to yourself #no but really i'm wondering how much i really understood back then if everything then from context #bc like those metaphors are fucking hard to understand NOW i'm terrible at interpreting poetry!!! always have been!!!!! #(kinda good at interpreting stories/characters tho so maybe that helped) #+ the mumbling and low voices and the words i don't understand to this day (bc i didn't even HAVE subtitles on then + the quality was shit) #there's no way my english has gotten that much worse #i'd love to argue that it's gotten better but idk if that's true #has to be better. just has to be. better than at 15. probably worse than at 19 tho but that's fine #anyway i really really really need to rewatch and reexperience it bc jesus christ i forgot so much about it #like i started rewatching it with friends a few months back but only very sporadically and also in german #which is ofc still good but not AS good #like these past months/weeks i've been mainly rewatching clips over and over again and look at old tumblr posts on pinterest #but god i need to find the time to ACTUALLY rewatch it #not sh #saskia talks #maybe it was just from tumblr gifs back then too

[daffythefox]

AND I WANT TO KNOW MY FATE

IF I KEEP UP THIS WAY

AND IT'S HARD TO WANT TO STAY

AWAKE

#death cab for cutie #bixby canyon bridge #tw caps #caps tw #ugh #the song is just so poignant #i got back from vacation and I've gotta start packing to move into my new apartment saturday #god i just wanna talk to The Man I'm Mentally Ill About #I also on the car ride back home found out i have a grey hair?? #I'm 19 btw. #wtf?? how? #I have been feeling really productive lately #so there is that! #but I'm also anxious abt finding a solid reliable way to make an income as a disabled person #having a disability (multiple) fucking sucks! #weather update #me when i #me? putting edgy lyrics on my tumblr vent blog? no. never.

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Living with her is such a weird limbo now I’ve decided to go no-contact when I move out, like I’m sad and annoyed all the time about her bs and her attitude and her gaslighting, but I also know there’s an end in sight so I don’t feel... anything about it at the same time.

Idk I’ve got all these weird feelings/non-feelings going on and I just want to reach that end date so I can get on with my life, I’m feeling very weird lately...

#gs rambling again #like rn she's asleep (yes it's 6pm here) and i had to get my sister up because she's got dnd online with her friends #which is fine but like... she's 19 and doesn't get herself up and i'm sick of it being my responsibility #and mum got snappy at me for daring to wake her up at 4pm because i was going to do food because she was tired and needed more sleep #like why tf are you snapping at me you're nearly 50 years old you should know how to communicate with ppl by now #so i just went back to my room because fuck that and had a cry because it's exhausting and i'm exhausted but i also just feel... empty?? #like i don't feel any type of way about my decision to cut her off i'm not sad i'm not angry i'm not relieved i just... am. #idk i've had enough and i want it to be august already so i can get out and stay out and maybe then i'll feel something about it #just praying sfe doesn't fuck me over again this year 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 #also i really need to talk to my friends about this but i know theyre in a great place and i don't want to bring my sad shit into it #i feel bad for needing them which i'm aware is not a rational way of thinking and i need to open up etc etc #but i'm... i just got so used to keeping it to myself that i don't know what to say or how to open up #and now i'm just spiralling and feeling bad for not talking to them but also bad for even considering it #*gently thuds head into wall*

[ishizizzle]

Anyway I got a date 😶

#after all my dating app complaints someone finally knows how to talk and then ask me out like a human being #i dont have anything to wear tho and i feel really bad going out rn #because its still a fucking pandemic and monkeypox has 19 cases here last i checked #so yeah i want to date... but i also dont want to feel guilty about it #also with everything going on like jobs and trying really hard to get up and just feed myself daily #so i feel like i dont deserve it i dont deserve a simple break i dont deserve to go get hipster coffee and have small talk and walk #cuz I'm broke and job hunting yet again ... man ... #if struggle enough it eventually stops hurting right? like if i just struggle... and try...and struggle...and try #I'm feel like I'm eroding lol