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tangled-wires-and-a-dead-heart · 3 months

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Here's a drawing of Eleanor! She's my little princess <3

There's a whole bunch of info on her + her worldstate under the cut!

(here's her outfits during the episodes so far!)

Info/headcanons for her:

She's an art streamer! Her favorite medium to work with is watercolors and acrylics!

She lives in a dingy studio apartment, an entire corner of this apartment is dedicated to her art- it's a huge mess.

She has a border Collie named buddy!

Her main income is from streaming but as a side gig she pet-sits (as in babysitting pets)

She's a huge animal lover and can't stand people harming/mistreating animals. When you get to know her it could be argued that she likes to talk with animals than people!

She's generally nice and tries to get along with everyone else around her no matter how they treat her. This isn't necessarily hard because most people tend to just naturally like her.

This does lead to her having a difficulty with developing relationships with a lot of people.

She can find it hard to grow past the friendly acquaintance/"friend that you talk to whenever you see them but don't really hangout outside of that" phase of relationships with most people (there are exceptions to this but this is how she viewed most of her connections with people)

This leads her to feel lonely even when she constantly surrounds herself with people (not that anyone would be able to notice unless she told them because she always has an air of confidence about her)

This whole problem is why she likes to talk with animals more than people, a lot of animals are fickle and are much harder to get along with than people are. It's just naturally easier for her to connect with animals because she has to work more in order to become closer.

(she definitely pretended that she was a cat when she was a kid- like she was reenacting warrior cats with actual forest animals-)

Her time in Scarlet Hollow has taught her a lot about relationships and how to properly bond with people and it's led to her being able to form closer and more meaningful relationships with people.

She doesn't even try to hide her gift in the slightest. People usually don't believe her anyways and besides it's an important part of who she is, she isn't just going to hide it just because others think that it's a bit odd.

Oh yeah and if it wasn't obvious her traits are hot/talk to animals!

She adores Dustin, that's her little drawer possum baby.

She's a huge believer in anything paranormal/supernatural because hey- if she can literally talk to animals, then who is she to say that Bigfoot or aliens can't also exist.

Stuff about her worldstate:

Duke's dead, Eleanor saved Gretchen. She felt Gretchen trying to slip away and instinctively dove for her. She feels absolutely awful over Duke's death though.

She spent Monday night at Stella's house

She told Tabitha about the kids sneaking into the mines

Rosalina lost her foot in the mine collapse. Eleanor really didn't want to leave a bunch of kids behind in a collapsing mine, it wouldn't be right. She also just didn't want anymore possible deaths to occur as a result of her in action.

On Wednesday she slipped away from Tabitha to go and hang out with Stella.

She told Stella that she should invite Avery to go ghost hunting.

Eleanor invited Tabitha ghost hunting

They both left the ghost in Oscar's house. She felt confident in her decision at the time because Tabitha was there but after the night had passed she felt bad that Oscar lost his job and both he and Rosalina lost their home. If Tabitha wasn't there she probably would've given her years to the ghost.

When searching for Stella on Thursday she had a conversation with pastor Daniel about their shared gift and about the situation with Tulip and the church's rats.

On Thursday she didn't go to Sybil's tea reading and while the "Canon" (as in the choice I chose in game) reason as to why she didn't go was because she didn't trust her (which now that I'm thinking of it- she is probably a bit distrustful towards her- especially after Wednesday) I think that the main reason she didn't go was because she just thought that she didn't have time for it- Stella was missing and no one around town had seen her. Eleanor really cares about Stella and she wants to make sure that she's okay first and foremost. (This is before the stone in the clinic takes over lol-)

Reese leaves the clinic without killing doctor Kelly due to Eleanor calming him down. She's just happy that she was able to deescalate the situation before anything horrible happened.

She was able to find Stella with the help of the dog militia.

She stayed the night over at Stella's again and started a romance with her.

#my art!#scarlet hollow #scarlet hollow spoilers #eleanor scarlet #scarlet hollow mc #here she is. i love her so much #she's my baby <3

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foxounderscorecube · 11 months

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Tagging Game

Tagged by @lady-blackflame

Nickname: For the name I chose for myself, I have one friend that calls me Lowie, which is cute :D For my legal name (which, for context, is not a deadname, but it isn't my preferred name!), Cat.

Sign: Pisces sun, Sagittarius Moon, Taurus Rising

Height: 5'1", unfortunately

Last thing I googled: "flower emoji"

Amount of Sleep: I think I got about 9 hours' sleep last night. I tend to sleep for 9-12 hours.

Dream Job: I'm not sure because it changes constantly and there are few that are realistic for me because of my disability/chronic illness. Among them are nuclear engineer in a power station, which was what I'd intended on going into before having to change my life trajectory; curator or something in a museum (natural history or a tank museum, I think, although I'd be most qualified for something dealing with costume and that'd be very cool too); or one of those people that goes into the tanks in the aquarium in scuba gear and I think they clean and do maintenance but more importantly they get to hang out with the fish.

Wearing: white t-shirt which is printed with "At least we have Internet", black skirt that is actually secretly shorts, white OTK socks, and black cat slippers.

Movies/Books/Media that summarise you: The original Warriors series was formative for me and that probably shows. The Cure and Manic Street Preachers had a big impact on how I do my make-up, my general aesthetic, and music taste, and although it's less obvious than when I was younger I feel like there are still echoes of them in how I am as a person now. The film, Paprika; Hirasawa's music; and the Soulsborne games are more relevant to my interests now.

Favorite Song: I can never pick a favourite song because that also changes constantly, but this is a song I adore:

youtube

Instrument: Violin, although I'm terribly out of practice right now. I can do very basic stuff on guitar and bass owing to a """goth punk""" phase in my teens making me decide, incorrectly, that violin was decidedly uncool, but I never got very good. I can sing, too, if that counts.

Aesthetic: I'm not really sure. I dress very feminine and often in pretty cutesy clothes. Over the knee socks are, like, my brand at this point. I like dresses with cute or fun prints.

Favorite Author: Probably Irvine Welsh.

Random fun fact: About me or in general? For the former, I suppose that I've got a 1st Dan black belt in tae kwon do (which sounds a greater feat than it is, but it's probably one of my biggest achievements for a few reasons). As for general fun facts, one of my favourites is that some species of scorpion hold hands or even "kiss" by holding pedipalps as part of their courting behaviour :)

Tagging: @howdoiturnthisthingoff @becomingisla @naupactus @byksigmatruther @artoriasss @cicadaduet @cuebiksrube @cassidyposting @dominijoyce if any of you want to (and anyone else who wants to do it, consider yourself tagged!)

#tagging game #Youtube

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primalspice · 2 months

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beautiful pokermo (poker emo)👕 6, 13, 19 📦 1, 5, 11 🍽️ 12, 15 🌤️ 5, 13, 18 🤝 2, 9, 20 💓 2, 6, 11, 🎲 1, 9, 14

yayy

👕6.) How much interest does your character take in trends?

Enough to find out what they are and then immediately go be a hater about whatever it is. Somewhat more openminded if it is within the Emo Community.

👕13.) What is something your character would refuse to wear?

idk shes pretty strictly butchy so no dresses or anything like that. also like. tshirt of whatever band/musician she is most a hater of. its THAT serious.

👕19.) If your character had to get a tattoo what would it be?

I think she Also has some but i Also dont know what they are. Probably something generically emo like a star or angel wings or swallows or something. Or god forbid song lyrics.

📦1.) Is there an item your character doesn't like to leave without?

Depends on the situation but I think wallet and like. glasses are the bare minimum. Doesn't really carry anything interesting around. OH and her flip phone and mp3 player :3

📦5.) Would your character ever try to haggle?

Yes. If it was more socially acceptable she'd do it all the time. NOT afraid.

📦11.) What might an acquaintance think is a good gift for your character?

Anything from Spencers or Hot Topic. Easy.

🍽️12.) Which mealtime is your character's favorite?

Dinner, i know she goes crazy on some latenight post-concert fast food. One of lifes greatest pleasures.

🍽️15.) What food or drink does your character consider a treat?

not sure but i think she deserves to inherit my love for an xxl slurpee. also strikes me as a Hot Chips individual.

🌤️5.) Has your character ever had an animal phase?

Yea probably a cool one like wolves or foxes or warrior cats. probably a furry by association (cant draw and doesnt have an official fursona but definitely has had friends who are furries and have assigned one for her)

🌤️13.) What element best represents your character?

Probably fire; conveniently accurate to her Leo Zodiac

🌤️18.) How willing would your character be to nap outside?

Not particularly willing bcz its hot and sunny as fuck out 90% of the time but i think she'd be fine with it if it came down to it and if it was somewhere she felt safeish. Not unfamiliar with sleeping in strange places as someone known to Couch Surf, but is more likely to do it indoors somewhere like the library or the lounge at the college she's technically enrolled in.

🤝2.) What is your character's favorite kind of social event?

Concerts ofc. Could argue that this doesnt count as a social event but it is for Her. The shittier the venue and the longer the sets the better.

🤝9.) Where is your character's comfort place?

Aforementioned shitty venues primarily. But she also likes hanging out with her friends (that i prommy she has) at their places <3

🤝20.) What would it take for your character to get into a fight?

Not very much she's kinda loudmouthed and hater-ly. I think it's mostly just Talk tho. More likely to be the one holding a friend back from a fight if it was anything beyond a punch or slap (kinda funny bcz she is tiny)

💓2.) Are there particular sounds your character is fond of?

loud music. sorry if thats an obvious answer its just true.

💓6.) How well does your character act under pressure?

Pretty well. I think in a social situation she's likely to want to take the lead. even if she's not the calmest person around she is usually the most Assertive. In more individual situations such as Poker or Arguing she can go quite some time without being bothered.

💓11.) Does your character have strong willpower?

for the most part Yes. See above + i think she's also just kinda a do-er. if she wants to do something she will find out a way to do it and get it done and smile happily about it. isnt as fun when it comes to shit she doesnt feel like doing tho, such as finishing her degree or finding a longterm place to stay or a steady job. because why should she HAVE to when what shes DOING already works

🎲1.) What kind of games does your character most enjoy playing?

Ones where she can win money mostly. texas hold em poker is the go-to but she also likes other card games and also billiards. Also kinda strikes me as a call of duty mt dew gamer but is probably pretty casual about it, i dont think she owns her own xbox.

🎲9.) What is a topic your character would be excited to talk about?

Her band, music in general, poker, gambling in general, the latest vegas gossip, ancestry dot com, etc etc. She's an extrovert and a talker and a gossiper you could get her going about anything i think. and i RESPECT that.

🎲14.) What is your character’s opinion on cheating in games?

HATES IT AND UR GOING TO HELL if it happens to her. But would do it as revenge <3 Really depends on the game/how high stakes it is, but shes horribly competitive in general so does not take kindly to it in most cases.

#ask game #vic

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twilights-800-cats · 3 years

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Alrighty, I’ve finished Leopardstar’s Honor!

Here we go.

I think it was fine, leaning more towards bland. The saving grace for the story is Leopardstar herself - I think her characterization as a self-assured, somewhat selfish, overconfident cat is very spot on to her other depictions throughout the series. There are so many moments you want to pick her up and say “honey no”... maybe too many, honestly.

As far as criticisms go...

The Story As A Whole

One thing is obvious - the pacing is pretty bad. Not every super edition needs to start off from moment one of a character’s life and with the plot of this story as it stands, I don’t think this one had to. We could’ve easily skipped ahead to Leopard as a young ‘paw and had her relevant incident with Skyheart and the loss of her mother still deeply affect her.

As it is, we don’t spend enough time in any part of Leopardstar’s life to really get something meaningful out of it - relationships develop in leaps and bounds from chapter to chapter before being cut off unceremoniously or lost altogether. The book feels like a game of red light green light.

I think the exception to this is Leopardstar’s life as a warrior - we do spend a good deal of time there... but again, it suffers from the red light green light problem: conflicts stop and start on a whim and nothing’s really given room to breathe or last.

I think the story might’ve been better served to focus more on Leopard decision to form TigerClan. There’s more than enough content to justify the reason why and cutting a death or two might’ve given the TigerClan portions more chances to breathe and be more than just a horrible fearmongering mess. It feels like Leopardstar loses control too suddenly - nothing in this story feels like it’s allowed to be gradual.

One thing I did like, and I wish they had done more with, was Mudfur’s dream - almost every single super edition has a prophecy, and almost all of them suffer for it, but Mudfur’s dream was just that, a dream he had when he was a warrior, a hope that his daughter will rise up and become strong. Despite the uncertainty of that, the narrative still functionally treats the dream as if it were one of those prophecies. I think there was an opportunity there to perhaps lean into Leopardstar’s belief in this dream - especially if Mudfur tore it down later on in the book and used it to bolster Leopardstar’s confidence.

I also don’t think this book really did a lot to sell RiverClan - there’s no mention of the cats decorating their dens, like we’ve seen mentioned in other parts of the series. The distinction between river prey and land prey is something we’ve known since Crookedstar’s Promise. The story does do a bit to point out that RiverClan’s over-reliance on the river is a bad thing, but in the same sentences it destroys any sort of realism with how the river prey is described! Erins, do you have any idea how big salmon and carp are?! Do you understand how large a cat is?

RiverClan’s camp is also really poorly described, honestly. Nothing about it stood out to me, it didn’t feel like a place. Nowhere in RiverClan territory felt at all real because the names the cats gave them were given so little importance and we have no idea where anything is. There’s hardly any time spent describing RiverClan... ever. This is a massive, massive shame, since this is the first RiverClan content we’ve gotten in a very long time - and the first book of the next series is possibly also RiverClan-focused. It doesn’t inspire confidence.

The story is moving by the Redtail’s Debt retcon. No mention is made of Oakheart dying from a rockfall, and his death is treated as ThunderClan’s fault for the entire story - which would be fine if it were Leopard’s own delusion due to her hatred of ThunderClan, but that’s just not the case.

Obviously there are timeline inconsistencies as well, the largest one being ShadowClan warriors in the camp a chapter before it’s even mentioned that Leopardstar let them in. It was very strange to read. Events just seemed off from when they were meant to happen, but then again there’s not a whole lot of setting to anchor a reader in even what phase of the moon you’re in.

The Relationships

It’s safe to say the relationships in this book also suffer from the red light green light pacing. As soon as the reader - and Leopardstar - grow attached to a character... they’re killed. It reminded me of Bluestar’s Prophecy, like they were trying to evoke that same feeling of grief... but these characters have so little time to actually endear themselves to us, and there are so many of them, that it becomes fairly obvious that Leopardstar just isn’t meant to have friends!

Not only that but I honestly think the story missed a huge opportunity in the friendships that it chose to focus on.

I’ve spoken about her "romance” with Frogleap, but I’ll reiterate here: it’s weak, but not worthless. I wish there was more to it, more scenes of Leopard choosing the Clan over him, but it is what it is. I could’ve done without her constantly thinking of whether or not she should’ve been with him, though.

Whiteclaw was fine, and by extension I think Sunfish was fine, too, if only to serve the Whiteclaw sideplot, which I thought was well-done but needed perhaps more room to breathe; but Leopardstar has absolutely no relationship with cats like Stonefur or Mistyfoot, characters that she was reportedly extremely close to. When Stonefur is named deputy, there’s no weight behind it - he and Leopard had absolutely no connection. They barely say three lines to one another that aren’t relating to Clan business. Mistyfoot gets nothing until Leopardstar begs her to be deputy. It’s baffling!!

I also wanted more from Mudfur and Leopardstar’s relationship. He feels like he’s barely there, when he could’ve been a real presence in Leopard’s life, good or bad. I liked the angle of Leopard equating his doubts to her father considering her a failure - but it just doesn’t feel like it works. I thought something big would come from Crookedstar revealing that Mudfur didn’t want Leopard to be picked as deputy but... there’s no change in their relationship, at least not one that the pacing would allow us to see.

Tigerstar and Leopardstar is a contentious relationship to say the least but... I gotta say, I wanted more of it. I think this is the one story where Tiger feels like Tiger - manipulative and evil, but with very little of his moustache-twirling obviousness. It feels like he just disappears from the story entirely after he’s exiled from ThunderClan, only to pop back up again.

It’s probably awful to say, but... I kind of wanted a sour romantic relationship between Leopard and Tiger here. I do not trust the Erins to handle that with any ounce of grace, and I don’t seriously wish it upon the canon at all, but I thought that the possibility could’ve been interesting. The two did genuinely seem to have a connection, and even if they were romantic, I don’t think Leopard would’ve formed TigerClan just because she liked Tigerstar - the book had already established other reasons why she would think TigerClan a good solution.

I trust the Erins with relationships like I trust my dog with chocolate: I just don’t :P

I think that’s all my grievances so far. Kudos to anyone who read all this! I honestly feels like I’ve more negatives than positives to say about these books lately... Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy them; but the writing quality has become exhaustingly inconsistent.

I really wish they would slow down book production and give these stories more thought - the readers deserve it, as do the authors themselves.

#leopardstars honor spoilers #tumblr did not like this long ass post

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dovewingz · 4 years

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moonkitti bramblesquirrel video: summary notes

please keep in mind that because i wanted to keep things shorter and, well, summarized, i included close to no quotes. moon uses a lot of quotes, so if you want evidence from within the text i would suggest skimming through the video. secondly, i didn’t include any of my personal opinions for obvious reasons.

link to video. content warning for discussions of abuse.

BRIEF SUMMARY: to say that bramblesquirrel are both entirely in the wrong is completely ignoring the consistent signs of an abuser that bramblestar exhibits, just as squirrelflight behaves like a victim of abuse. there is a clear power imbalance between them that has been present since the beginning of their relationship.

NOTES: about a 10 minute read

INTRO > the fandom has brought about a belief/take that squirrelflight and bramblestar are equally bad to each other. this is a compromise; a way to excuse bramblestar’s poor behaviour & find reason for him to treat squirrelflight poorly.

> the fandom consistently brings up reasons for him to treat her cruelly (victim blaming), as though someone being annoying is any reason to treat them badly.

> the fandom also jumps between using cat morals (the warrior code) and human morals to back up their opinions. when squirrelflight helped the sisters, she disobeyed her leader (against the code), but it was for a morally good reason. she was doing the right thing.

> there is a clear power imbalance between bramblestar and squirrelflight. more on that later.

THE NEW PROPHECY > squirrelflight doesn’t trust hawkfrost, and neither does leafpool based on previous experience. when she confronts brambleclaw about this, he believes that this is because of who hawkfrost’s father is. squirrelflight insists that that is not why.

> brambleclaw continues to work with hawkfrost, training in the dark forest with tigerstar (the one thing that he is upset with squirrelflight for accusing him of). he believes that hawkfrost is a good person, even when mudclaw reveals that he and hawkfrost were working together.

> brambleclaw doesn’t listen to squirrelflight’s concerns or take her seriously. they do not trust each other.

> throughout their hawkfrost-disagreement, brambleclaw continues to find excuses to punish/scold her. squirrelflight defends herself, acting aggressive/defensive. she’s growing closer with ashfur, trusting him and preferring how he treats her. >>> “that’s what you want, is it? a loyal warrior to follow after you and smooth all the thorns out of your pelt?” brambleclaw mocks her for wanting someone who will treat her kindly.

> brambleclaw continues to get more controlling and aggressive, while ashfur is overprotective and also controlling/babies her. brambleclaw is very cold and passive-aggressive towards squirrelflight & her relationship with ashfur. it is unclear whether ashsquirrel are mates or not, but they are likely in the middle phase (on the path to becoming mates but not officially mates yet).

> squirrelflight eventually realizes she still has feelings for brambleclaw (for some reason) and breaks it off with ashfur. leafpool receives a vision from starclan which confirms that they are bramblesquirrel shippers too! wow thanks starclan.

> to conclude: brambleclaw was projecting his insecurities about tigerstar onto squirrelflight (while also training in the DF with tiger). he pushes her away when she attempts to talk with him, and goes out of his way to boss her around/control her. squirrelflight was not intentionally trying to upset him.

LEAFPOOL’S WISH > brambleclaw isn’t treating squirrelflight like an equal. >>> “brambleclaw wants me to fetch soaked moss for the nursery, even though it’s an apprentice task. he hasn’t stopped giving out orders since firestar made him deputy!” /// “...treating me like i’m still wet behind the ears.”

> squirrelflight is having issues only a month into the (new, romantic) relationship. she feels patronized. there has almost always been a power imbalance in their relationship (apprentice/warrior and now warrior/deputy).

> when it comes to the three, squirrelflight states multiple times that she doesn’t want to lie to brambleclaw. she doesn’t change her mind until she finds out that she is barren and will never have biological children. starclan themselves tell her this, pressuring her into taking the kits.

POWER OF THE THREE and OMEN OF THE STARS > their relationship is solid until hollyleaf reveals the truth about her parents at the gathering. brambleclaw breaks up with squirrelflight on the spot, not understanding why she didn’t trust him enough to tell him.

> the question is, can we trust brambleclaw? he trained in the dark forest and never told her, he held a grudge against squirrelflight for months, etc. of course he had every right to break up with her, but squirrelflight rightfully had worries.

> after their break up, brambleclaw avoids, ignores and acts very passive-aggressively towards her. in forth apprentice, it is mentioned that they hadn’t spoken in months. their only communication was squirrelflight watching him longingly & sadly.

> before the tribe quest, squirrelflight asks brambleclaw if he has a message for the tribe. jayfeather detects something else in her voice, and he realizes that she wants brambleclaw to show her any kind of sign that he still cares about her.

> after finding out about the three’s powers, brambleclaw accuses her of lying, intentionally trying to hurt him, etc. they fight several times. then, suddenly, near the end of the last hope, they are on good terms. this is a pattern in their relationship: brambleclaw only treating squirrelflight fairly during/after a huge crisis has occurred. this time, it’s the last hope battle. after the battle, he trusts her and makes her deputy.

> why does brambleclaw suddenly trust her after treating her so passive-aggressively for a whole year? he manipulated and controlled her, punished her for hurting him, and there was still a power imbalance. he’s not just her mate, he’s now her leader.

> while brambleclaw gave her the cold-shoulder, squirrelflight acted very submissive and sad. she’s typically headstrong, independent and active. brambleclaw makes her act scared.

BRAMBLESTAR’S STORM > bramblesquirrel are not together and their relationship seems to work best this way.

> bramblestar chose squirrelflight as deputy because she has her own ideas and will challenge him. he’s glad she’s deputy and thinks she’s good at her job, believing that he would be “lost without her.”

> scenes with jessy are trying to show us that squirrelflight is jealous. during a couple of scenes, squirrelflight does act unreasonably and snaps at bramblestar, where jessy defends him. >>> “wow, is she always like this?” “yeah, pretty much.” - bramblestar and jessy > later, bramblestar and jessy go out together. when they get back, bramblestar forgets to tell anybody that he saw windclan trespassing for, like, 10 minutes. squirrelflight is frustrated, but even after he gets injured, she doesn’t scold him.

> after they help shadowclan, bramblestar understands why squirrelflight lied to him. she was protecting leafpool, which he gets because he would also do anything for his sister. he says he respects her and her courage. they also acknowledge that lion, jay and holly are their real kids. >>> “squirrelflight and i share a bond that cannot be broken” - inner monologue from bramblestar

A VISION OF SHADOWS > squirrelflight is pregnant, proving that starclan lied to her about being barren. bramblesquirrel have some casual scenes, although squirrelflight is a bit “toned down” / not as independent. this may just be because she’s not a pov character or because she’s getting older.

thats literally it

SQUIRRELFLIGHT’S HOPE this one is like 50% of the video!

> squirrelflight likes the idea of having another litter of kits and bramblestar gives her a vague response. it is important to note that she didn’t ask anything, she just mentioned the idea.

> she changes the subject, wanting to feel like they’re young again! bramblestar is serious and talks about the gathering. it is implied that they haven’t had fun in a while and that he isn’t giving her much attention.

> they discuss the skyclan territory dispute at the gathering. bramblestar doesn’t want thunderclan or skyclan to give away territory. squirrelflight gives her own solution, that there is territory above thunder and shadow. she believes that this is an open discussion for different ideas.

> after the gathering, he is furious at her for giving her own idea without discussing it with him first, and that skyclan will have to move again. he also mentions that the territory she’s talking about could have dangerous animals, and that warriors could die because of her idea.

> because this is a discussion over territory, squirrelflight mentions that the clans are getting bigger + that there will be new kits by new-leaf. throughout the entire talk, he had been growling and lashing his tail.

> bramblestar deflects and brings up something that she had already dropped: having more kits. he is scolding her, attempting to trivialize her feelings. he runs away, and squirrelflight follows him, trying to continue the discussion. >>> then he guilt-trips her, “isn’t being deputy enough?” he is accusatory and it is clear that he doesn’t want to have this discussion. > squirrelflight explains that she’s worried because she knows she’s getting older and wants another littler before it’s too late. to herself, she worries that because bramblestar has nine lives, he will live longer than her and eventually replace her. >>> “don’t you love me anymore?” she asks. could be a guilt-trip, could be a genuine question because squirrelflight feels unloved.

> afterwards, bramblestar apologies. he admits that he brought up the kits out of anger because he felt like she wasn’t on his side at the meeting. he says that he would love to have another litter with her, but squirrelflight can Tell that he doesn’t, he’s just saying it because she wants kits. she never brings up the topic of kits again.

> moon super briefly goes over the cycle of abuse: tension between the abuser and the abused (abused feels anxious), abuser lashes out, then afterwards feels bad/apologizes + there’s a brief “peace” period. this happens multiple times in the bramblesquirrel relationship, with hawkfrost, with the three, etc. something else to note is that every time they reconcile, they have a litter of kits, so it wouldn’t be hard to say that squirrelflight associates the “peace” period with motherhood.

> squirrelflight feels very guilty, like she’s replaceable, and blames herself. she goes over the argument in her head again. eventually, she and leafstar go explore the territory beyond thunderclan. squirrelflight feels bad about lying to bramblestar, but doesn’t tell him even when given the opportunity (running into sparkpelt). she believes that she is doing the morally right thing but knows that bramblestar wouldnt agree with her.

> while she’s with the sisters, she only grows more anxious, feels bad for the trouble she’s causing thunderclan, and worries about bramblestar’s anger.

> when thunderclan find her and bring her back to camp, bramblestar puts a restriction on her. if she’s “going to act like an apprentice,” then she must run every decision by him. no more going off on her own, no more “arguing” at the gathering. he is using his power as leader to control her. he threatens to replace her as deputy, causing squirrelflight to panic about how he no longer trusts her.

> later, bramblestar micromanages her. he orders squirrelflight to tell him how she’s organizing the dawn patrol and blatantly insults her methods. bramblestar is using a “trust exercise” to express his anger and lash out. squirrelflight defends herself, saying that she loves him & her clan. >>> “bramblestar was supposed to be her mate. why couldn’t he talk to her instead of trying to make her feel small?”

> after sparkpelt reveals that she’s pregnant and bramblestar mentions having kits to squirrelflight, squirrelflight snaps at him. she feels guilty about it. she also feels bad about not being happier for sparkpelt, feeling selfish, guilty for wanting something that bramblestar doesn’t, and scared that she’s never going to be happy again. she feels as though she’s making all the wrong choices.

> squirrelflight finds sunrise (a sister) injured and brings her to camp, knowing that bramblestar will be angry (as does the rest of the clan), but wanting to do the right thing. bramblestar refuses to help sunrise until he gets starclan’s approval, but it’s clear that he is acting out of anger towards squirrelflight.

> the message from starclan is incredibly vague, and bramblesquirrel disagree over it. squirrelflight insists on helping sunrise no matter bramblestar’s feelings, and bramblestar worries that helping sunrise will cause tension between the clans.

> when leafpool goes to help sunrise, bramblestar stands in front of her as a way to physically threaten her to step back. squirrelflight worries that bramblestar will fight leafpool just to stop her, so she jumps in front of leafpool to protect her. while this is happening, sunrise is dying. >>> “we can’t keep doing this. if you keep undermining my authority, you could destroy the whole clan” despite bramblestar’s words, squirrelflight wants to do what she knows is right. she believes that thunderclan is stronger than any leader/deputy disputes. >>> “why are you doing this to me? you’re my deputy. you’re my mate. you’re supposed to support me” /// “thanks to you, there’s not even unity in thunderclan anymore.” bramblestar guilt-trips her, unable to physically intimidate anyone into stopping. squirrelflight isn’t trying to hurt him, she’s trying to do what’s right.

> later on, bramblestar suddenly forgives her, but implies that he is willing to put the sisters in danger for what was previously squirrelflight’s plan. he wants to drive the sisters out by force. > tension between the clans grow, which sparkpelt blames bramblestar for. squirrelflight jumps to his defense. >>> “why are you sticking up for him? he’s hardly spoken to you in days. he’s been treating you like an apprentice. and you’re defending him! why are you being such a mouseheart?” sparkpelt says, making it clear that other cats are aware of bramblesquirrel’s toxicity. > bramblestar does not see squirrelflight as an equal. when he’s upset with her, he treats her as such, talking down to her, giving her apprentice-jobs, etc.

> bramblesquirrel haven’t properly made-up. squirrelflight is too anxious to talk to him, worried that she’ll make things worse or that he’ll lash out at her. she believes that bramblestar blames her for everything that’s wrong. as bramblestar plans the patrol to attack the sisters, squirrelflight hides away. he questions her about it, and she says that she doesn’t agree with what he’s doing, while bramblestar expects her to back him up no matter what.

> squirrelflight feels like he believes borders/battles are the only thing he cares about + bramblestar feels like the sisters are the only thing she cares about. he believes that he’s following the will of starclan. after that, squirrelflight apologizes to bramblestar and they say that they love each other. she supports him in front of the clan, despite the fact that she does not agree with what he’s doing.

> that night, she has a dream about kits dying in battle, and knows it was a prophetic warning. she talks to leafpool about this and they realize it was moonlight’s kits. they run ahead of the patrol, bramblesquirrel argue, they decide to attack then they don’t... it eventually results in squirrelflight’s death.

> [ moon skipped the starclan trial ]

> much like in other times, such as during the new prophecy and the last hope’s final battle, it takes a huge crisis for bramblestar to realize that he needs to treat squirrelflight fairly & apologize. he apologizes while she’s Dead, and once she wakes up he’s super worried about her. >>> “...don’t be sorry. don’t be sorry for anything. i was so worried. i love you so much. we should never have let things get so bad. i’ll never let it happen again.” even here, bramblestar is being manipulative, not fully taking the blame (”we”) and acting as though they are both equally at fault.

> from here, bramblestar is extra loving and supportive, defending her at the gathering. squirrelflight decides that she no longer wants another litter, she can be content with helping sparkpelt’s + the clan’s kits, plus she has bramblestar’s affection.

OUTRO/CONCLUSION my notes were getting less detailed by the end, but moon just reinstates some point she’s already made (as expected)

> bramblesquirrel follow the same patterns as the cycle of abuse. bramblestar consistently finds reasons to put her down and does things out of anger (even admitting to that). squirrelflight is constantly thinking about his anger and how he’ll lash out at her.

> there is a severe power imbalance in their relationship and there has been since the beginning. bramblestar does not treat her as though she’s on the same level as him.

> particularly in squirrelflight’s hope, the text presents squirrelflight as being in the right. she does what she believes is morally just, and bramblestar is shown as the antagonist. she constantly feels guilty and never even thinks of placing her wants/needs over his.

> it does not matter how many flaws squirrelflight has, it does not matter if she is annoying or entitled (she’s not) or bratty, she does not deserve to be abused. she is a victim of bramblestar’s abuse.

#i thiiink i got everything important?? please please lmk if youve seen the video and think ive skipped/skimmed over any key points #moonkitti #bramblesquirrel #abuse #cotton speaks #mk disc #bramblesquirrel disc

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starcloaked · 3 years

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would luv 2 hear more abt any of ur ocs! don’t have a specific question in mind so feel free to ramble abt whatever you want!

YESSS awesome... so i will infodump abt cleartempest and her rival/enemy/bingus gf peachstar because they r probably my two most fleshed out characters . takes a deep breath

cleartempest is the riverclan mediator apprentice, growing up in a future version of the clans where all 5 have mediators as a core part of the clan. she’s pretty lazy and apathetic, being assigned multiple mentors in her time as a warrior apprentice to get her to conform with clan standards somehow,—but after proving time and time again how little she cares for the endless stupid bickering and fighting of warrior life—she was taken under the current mediators wing to turn her hatred of conflict into peacekeeping among the clans.

while she leans on the quieter side, she’s good at her job and is always there to back up her mentor and spit out ideas when needed. a lot of cats in the clan don’t like her, and the feeling is mutual since she’s quite resentful and doesn’t tend to follow clan rules. when tensions threaten to boil over, cleartempest straight up disappears for a few days and comes back later with the looming threat lessened by whatever tricks or negotiations she pulls. because of this, most of her friends are from different clans

hmm um other fun facts about her... well mediators in riverclan tend to paint their fur and decorate it with shells and shiny trinkets from the nearby twolegplace!! she likes to go on a lot of trips during calm times in the clans to find pretty stuff to bring back. she’s an only child and her mother left to become a loner, so she goes and visits her a lot

okay peachstar!! peach is a kittypet, abandoned at riverclan’s front door by her mother, a twolegplace cat wishing for her daughter to have a better life. she’s a sphinx cat, hence the name peach!!

she grew up an outcast, becoming more and more bitter as time went on due to her inability to connect to her peers. she’s very rude and a stereotypical lonely bully type in her apprenticeship, the only cat willing to keep her company being clearpaw due to her just not caring and being able to take whatever peach throws at her. the two of them had a rivalry, peach’s competitive nature being the only factor motivating clear to put any energy at all into training

when cleartempest gets pulled away to train as a mediator, it leaves peach feeling empty. she begins to consider leaving to become a rogue when the medicine cat supposedly gets a mysterious prophecy, peach being the cat chosen to protect against the looming darkness heading the clan’s way. delighted to be included for once and finally given a parental figure in the medicine cat, peach eventually becomes a highly skilled warrior and quickly rises to deputy and then leader status in her clans. her peers still absolutely despise her both for her boastful and ruthless nature, but she’s looked up to highly by the senior warriors for her fighting prowess

as peachstar gains more sway and influence in the clans, she finds herself becoming closer with cleartempest again and they rekindle their rivalry. only this time it’s 100x more homoerotic and it’s very obvious they’re very in love but cannot admit it. they have like 5 falling outs per week and constantly stay in the “wtf are we” phase of relationship but the two of them together are a forced to be reckoned with!! too bad peachstar gets a villain arc where they both go tumbling off a cliff </3 love loses!!

#that’s abt as much as i wanna spoil for the #m!! uhh hope you liked me spilling random snippets of oc backstory <3 tys #m for the ask this was fun!! please ask me more abt my battle cats #gingerrambles!#oc stuff

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anatthema-art · 3 years

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most of these asks for the artist ask meme ive seen in person or youve already told me about so as your friend its my duty to make you share your shame to the audience <3 /lh

🌺Is there a piece you wish you had never made?

so like, regret is a hard thing to discuss for me because a lot of the things i regret in my artist career aren’t stuff that are funny bad art or whatever, because frankly i DON’T regret that stuff. i don’t regret my warrior cats days or drawing sparkledogs or whatever because i was a kid having fun and having bad old art is part of the process. a lot of the things i truly regret in my artist life are things that brought or bring up bad feelings, so this isn’t gonna be super FUN. sure, i have a ton of shitty pieces which i’m like GOD i wish i could make those better now and GOD i wish all my NITWTM pieces were like. good jdskjkskjsa

so like, the biggest and most obvious thing is the webcomic i ran from 2015-2020 because wow. first off. i was 12 when i started that, and nearly 18 when i ended it. a 12 year old kid really could not have predicted the absolute time commitment that shit required, and i REALLY shouldnt have tried to keep going even past my limits simply because i had already sank so much time into it. when you write something as a kid you dont really anticipate the fact that youre gonna grow as a writer and artist so much in a 5 year time span that what you write and connect with when youre 12 isn’t even gonna RESEMBLE the person you are when you’re 18. i wish i had canned it earlier and honestly it was a deep source of stress in my life for so long.

then there’s the old pieces i made with my friend group from like, 8th grade. first off like?? i gave my friend group fursonas back then for some reason and like?? didnt SHOW them to them i just?? drew them?? as cats?? which yeah ok thats dumb but then i drew like a piece with twenty one pilots lyrics on it and god all that shit brings me back such a shitty time in my life man and that friend group ended in such an awful way and i just regret all of it so much.

as an extension of that just the emo dog shit was so dumb like honestly its the one phase of my art i just kind of hate in of itself like it was really dumb like yeah i was a kid enjoying myself but just GOD it was such bad character design and building and none of my ocs had personality and they were so overly complex and its just like i think that phase actively hindered my ability to progress at making good ocs. also just. the edgy song lyric da titles man its just. like i know i go on about my warrior cats phase but honestly i have so much nostalgia from that time because i was just a kid having fun with cat books but the emo dog phase was just regret all around and it actively kinda hurt me as an artist

but yeah like. as bad as some of my old pieces are i don’t REGRET doing them. it’s all part of growth as an artist and its fun to look back on that stuff and see how youve improved. all the stuff that DOES cause regret is that shit with negative feelings attatched

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admutual · 4 years

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any hayley or steve childhood headcanons hell add stan if thats ok!!

oo !!

hayley ones:

hayley was always bringing weird animals inside and trying to convince stan and francine to let her keep them. multiple instances of her running inside, covered in dirt, and holding a garter snake begging ‘please please can we keep her??’ while steve screams in terror.

that hc i mentioned of francine always standing up for the other kids ,, hayley inherited that trait. my god she was The Most protective kid during her school years, she absolutely refused to let anyone get walked over when she knew they didn’t deserve it.

hayley was a wolf girl growing up,, change my mind. and black wolves were always her fave.

hayley definitely read animorphs growing up. those books shaped her and her fave character was cassie,,, also once she got more comfortable with living with roger she bullied him for not looking as cool as an andalite or a hork-bajir.

hayley went through an emo phase during her middle and high school years. she tried really hard to get an emo fringe, she was always blasting mcr and the used and three days grace, and her first job was at a hot topic.

hayley and stan were obviously tight-knit buds back in the day. like ,, she’d set up tea parties for them in the backyard, going out to movies was almost a weekly activity for the two of them, they were always planning picnics together,, they were really close. also every time they went to familyland together, hayley was always trying to drag him along with her to the more Extreme rides. francine kept telling her she’d go since she knew stan wasn’t the biggest fan of those rides like she was, but hayley kept insisting and it’d always end with stan near traumatized. big cia man goes on scary missions daily but he can’t handle a little roller coaster.

hayley’s hair was . pretty often a Mess when she was young. it was staticky, always sticking up at some angle, she often got too excited that she never took the time to comb out her hair in the mornings. plus it’s always been a habit of hers to play with her hair whenever she gets too excited or nervous, so even if she got it all straightened out it’d still turn into a mess by the end of the day.

hayley was always covered in scrapes and bruises. there was never a day where she didn’t have a bandaid somewhere.

she was a really tall kid during elementary school. she was almost always the tallest kid in her class. around high school everyone outgrew her though and now she’s . really short compared to most people her age, but yeah when she was little . Tall Girl (2019).

hayley skateboarded in middle school, and she was really damn good at it. she got in loads of trouble for skateboarding on school property and she thought she was the coolest kid for doing it.

stan and francine tried really hard not to curse around hayley when she was little (once steve came around they gave up trying), but occasionally something would slip out and hayley would always parrot it. stan looking at a bill and muttering ‘shit’ and then in the living room hearing what is obviously a toddler screaming ‘SHIT’

hayley, like steve, was always kinda lonely during her school years. steve eventually found friends in snot, barry, toshi, and roger too once he moved in, but hayley never really learned proper social skills as she was often pushed away for being the loud rowdy ‘annoying’ kid, and they always viewed her attempts to try to get close to others as too ‘desperate’. she has found friends in her adulthood, but yeah during her childhood she mostly just stuck around her family.

hayley was That Kid who would always use those fake clip-on earrings you’d get from claires, as well as cutting up the spiral from her notebook to use as a fake lip piercing, and she’d spend all day trying to convince her classmates ‘yeah no it’s real’

hayley liked stealing her dad’s camera and using it to film fake vlogs. they have multiple reels that go from cute family videos, to hayley making lps vids and fake cooking tutorials.

hayley drew a lot growing up and francine still has dozens of her drawings magneted to the fridge. hayley’s always cringing and asking her to take them down, but tbh francine’s never going to.

hayley’s always loved being outside at night. occasionally she’d sneak steve out with her to play in the backyard and it’d always lead to them in the treehouse, and stan catching them because they kept shining their flashlight against their bedroom window.

steve ones:

steve’s definitely adhd, autistic, and dyslexic. (the latter’s literally canon, and the two former ones are hcs that to me feel so obvious that i’m always a little hesitant calling it a hc). i really like imagining his parents being really patient with him in this area, even stan learned to be more composed and gentle with him when it came to this, and the two of them helping him find ways to cope. francine especially enjoyed nights helping him read.

steve’s interest in birds has been with him for pretty much his entire life, i like to imagine it’s always been his biggest special interest. also i’ve noticed there’s random scenes where stan’s displayed a bit of an interest or at least an appreciation of birds, so i kinda like to imagine stan used to take steve to the park for birdwatching trips when he was young before steve started going with roger. sometimes francine and hayley would tag along, but mostly it was just stan taking steve out and listening to him ramble about all the birds he’s spotting,, every time steve had a bad day stan’s immediate solution was to take him to the park.

when roger first moved in, he and steve were inseparable. steve was obsessed with learning everything about him and his species and his home planet, while roger saw steve as the one safe person to be around (francine, hayley, and klaus were still anxious towards him while stan was too strict and controlling for him). for a good few months until he started bonding with the rest of the fam roger would get really mopey whenever steve would go to school or leave to hang with his other friends, and the second steve walked through that door roger would excitedly hug him and try to lead him off to go do something together.

@a-d-lesbian got me into the hc that steve’s a theater kid and like ,, i’m always thinking about steve getting a tiny little background role in a 6th grade christmas show that they were required to do as a class, and he just loses his mind. he convinces stan and francine to let him invite the grandparents, he has francine film every scene he’s in where he just . Stands There. and then after the show when they get home he makes them all rewatch them all because he’s really damn proud of himself.

steve’s fave books growing up were always xenofiction. stuff like warrior cats and guardians of ga’hoole and redwall. he loved that shit. like i’m just imagining him trying to get his friends to larp warrior cats but none of them read it so they don’t know what he wants them to do, and he keeps assigning them warrior cat sonas and calling them by warrior cat names at school,, and he keeps calling god ‘starclan’ (which makes stan. Mad). am i projecting? that’s a secret, i’ll never tell.

steve was absolutely the Anime Kid in middle school. the amount of times he got yelled at for naruto running in the hallways was far too much. and his faves were fruits basket, nichijou, and k-on.

i’m so obviously projecting with my steve hcs here but i’m not gonna stop and i’m gonna say steve’s a trans guy. i know it makes no sense in canon, but canon’s dead it’s mine now. anyways he’s known since around the time he started middle school, and stan and francine love him and support him and i don’t have much else to say without getting Too Projecting, but yeah steve’s trans.

steve was pretty socially anxious growing up. he did get better as he grew older obv, but when he was little he was A Mess in school.

steve loved making flower crowns when he was little. he learned how to in his 2nd grade art class and just obsessed over it for a good few years and he was always making them for the fam. francine, stan, and hayley didn’t mind, they thought it was cute. i can see hayley learning to make them too and the two of them exchanging crowns,, and francine probably learned how to make some too during her college years and steve would always get really excited whenever she tried making some with him. poor roger though, once he moved in, steve took him as his new model and roger was forced to suffer through sitting in the hot sun while steve covered him in flowers.

steve never stopped singing. oh my god, stan loves him but he eventually reached a point where he started hiding their disney movies because steve would always loudly sing along and he just wanted some peace and quiet to work.

i like to imagine klaus has a sibling-esque relationship with pretty much the entire fam, but especially with steve. he was always pretty protective of him despite not really being able to do anything if he got hurt, and klaus was always there to talk to whenever steve needed it.

steve’s always liked to help francine bake. originally it was just so he could claim the mixer of batter before hayley could, but he quickly got really invested and he still loves helping out.

and in general for the both of them:

steve was the type of kid who bonked his head against the table a little and would spend the rest of the night crying while francine comforted him,, while hayley was the type of kid who could fly down the stairs and leave an actual dent in the wall and she’d still jump up assuring everyone ‘i’m okay!!’

hayley and steve used to play pokemon together growing up. hayley was more casually into it while steve was more obsessed (i like to imagine it was a special interest of his growing up). nowadays hayley doesn’t play it too often, but every now and then some big news will happen like new starters getting revealed, and steve will show her and hayley still can’t help but get at least a bit excited each time.

francine tried to do cute little family halloween costumes a few years. the idea of them doing an addams family group costume is precious.

francine always took them out for christmas photos every year. just dozens of photos of the four of them in the tackiest sweaters. they don’t do it as often anymore (or at least they don’t take as many photos outside of a few while they’re setting up the tree) but they still have framed photos of them that they set on the fireplace mantle every year.

listen …….. there were definitely multiple instances when they were really little of stan coming home from work ,, and steve and hayley excitedly tackling him,,,, and stan dramatically acting like he’s being attacked and losing ,,,

despite roger being a Dick, he was super protective of the two of them back in the day. either of them come home from school with a bruise, and roger’s already planning out an elaborate revenge scheme.

as for stan ,,

i’m adopting @stancine’s hc to say he was definitely a country boy. i kinda like to imagine his uncle on his mother’s side lived on a farm, and stan was really close to him growing up and it just sorta became monthly to take weekend trips to see him.

stan loved horses. he was definitely a Horse Kid, and his fave breeds are clydesdales and friesians.

sheep too!! one of his favorite yearly activities is during the springtime when his uncle helps him out with shearing the sheep.

also stan loved camping. he loved going out on walks through the woods and he especially loved fishing, but the second the sun went down he cowered in the back of the tent next to his mom because he was terrified of the noises coming from outside.

stan was a really quiet kid growing up. he sucked at properly standing up for himself, that’s kinda the reason he’s so harsh on steve for accepting mistreatment because he knows how hard it is and he doesn’t want his son to go through the same shit he did.

mother’s day was always one of his favorite holidays. he’d be obsessed with planning the whole day around trying to make it perfect for betty. making her breakfast in bed and saving up his allowance to buy her a gift, and he’d always make elaborate art projects for her every year.

stan . tried to learn how to ride a motorcycle in high school. it was this random obsession he got for no reason where he just really wanted one, but he always panicked whenever he got the chance to try one out. never even got his permit because he was so scared.

stan had a lot of pent-up anger as a kid that he never even recognized as anger until he got older. because of that he often broke his toys on accident because something wasn’t working correctly, and sometimes he’d snap at teachers on accident. obv he still had a problem with it but at least now he knows what’s going on and can at least try to work on dealing with it.

betty used to read to stan at night when he was really young. they didn’t have many books around so it was just stan listening to her read the same four dr. seuss books over and over. he didn’t mind though.

stan’s always loved writing and a good chunk of his free time was writing little short stories. he took a creative writing class in high school and he almost immediately became the teacher’s pet.

stan was a pretty lonely socially inept kid and i like to think growing up he tried getting a lot of his ‘advice’ on how to interact with others through television. one time he tried to get a girl’s attention by doing the ‘throwing pebbles at their window’ trope, but he fucked up and got too big a stone and threw it too hard, and just shattered this poor girl’s window. and stan spent the rest of the night crying in his room before caving and turning himself in.

i can see him being really into superheroes when he was younger. just him bounding around the house with a blanket for a cape, acting out random scenes he read out of the latest issue he bought.

stan was obv a dog kid. he’d often find himself going to the adoption shelter near his house just to see the dogs there whenever he was feeling down. and his fave breeds were golden retrievers, pit bulls, and shelties.

god i have tons more for all of them but i’m gonna stop because this is already long enough as it is.

#i’m so sorry i didn’t mean for it to get this long djbfdjdkdkd #i'm tired too so i'm pretty sure a lot of this is Worded Weird and Awkwardly and i won't find out until tomorrow #anon #asks #long #american dad

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emjenwrites · 4 years

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A Defense of Mary Sue OCs

This is a direct response to the post I just reblogged about the creator of a Mary Sue test denouncing the test. I was going to post this as a reblog, but then it got hideously long on me so I decided to post it separately. Here is the link to the Mary Sue Litmus test in question if you’d like to look at it (prepare to be horrified: it’s sickening).

Firstly, I did not know this test existed until I saw it tonight, however I did see the kind of damage this kind of thinking did to the fanfiction community on fanfiction.net in real time.

For some background, I discovered online fanfic through FFN and Wattpad around July 2013 (I know this because one of the first fics I remember reading was the fic “No Hiding, No Safe Covers” which was published then). I was active on FFN in some form basically from then until I made my AO3 account in July 2018. My FFN account still exists, though I haven’t done anything there since December 2019 according to the last thing in my Favorite Stories.

I was in the Star Wars fandom during my FFN heyday (this should actually not be surprising: I have never loved anything else the way I loved Star Wars). This was when the Clone Wars was airing so the fandom was massive, there were so many new fics everyday. There was always something new to read.

Only it wasn’t all good. We had a lot of people who would go around leaving hate comments (we called these messages flames). I remember there was this one person who started deleting the hate comments on their work. When the flamers figured out about this they dog-piled on this person screaming about how they were deleting comments to make it seem like people liked their work more than they actually did. I’m pretty sure this person eventually left the site.

But what does this have to do with Mary Sues, Emjen? Let me tell you. As I recall, this person was writing Self Insert fanfic. In fact, most if not all of the people who ran afoul of the flamers were. At the time FFN (or at the the Star Wars fandom) had a huge anti-Mary Sue culture. People hated Self Insert fanfic because all the characters were Mary Sues.

What they missed was the fact that most of the people writing these fanfic were, you guessed it, middle school kids. These kids had just discovered fanfic and they were just learning to write. They loved the Clone Wars and they just wanted to be part of it. They made characters who were like themselves only better; the sort of people they wished they were. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with getting yourself through the crap that is middle school by imaging that you’re amazing and powerful and and get to save the day. There’s nothing wrong with exploring how to write with characters people might not be interested in reading. Kids shouldn’t be attacked for that.

Also, I firmly believe that the “cringey” Self Insert OC phase is one all fanfic writers go through. I know I did. Hell, my username is the name of one of my Self Inserts. I’ve just sort of detached it from the character and began to use it for myself over the years because I like the sound of it, but that doesn’t change where it came from. The difference is that I didn’t start posting fanfic on the internet until I was sixteen and by that point I was well past that stage and into more “respectable” types of fanfic. My Self Insert stuff--like the series my friend and I wrote when I was in middle school featuring my older Self Insert Reba-Kah who was one of Anakin Skywalker’s best friends (**insert ironic aroace chortling here**)--will forever remain buried in the notebooks we wrote them in. So will the detailed character guides I wrote with some canon characters and all my OCs (I had OCs for basically everyone I knew including detailed backstories for each one). Maybe it was cringey, maybe it was poorly written, maybe the characters were too perfect, but that stuff contained every ounce of my middle school aged passion, and there was nothing wrong with it. Nothing about it deserved hate, and the same holds true for every other kid who has ever written fanfic.

So back to the anti-Mary Sue sentiment on FFN. By the time I started posting on FFN, I wasn’t writing Self Inserts anymore. At one point, I did write a fic about my friend’s (the one from above’s) OC, but that was only posted on my Wattpad. Tbh I can’t recall if I had my FFN account at that time, but either way no Self Inserts were posted on my FFN. I learned that no one liked OCs; that at best you wouldn’t get reads for fics containing them, at worst you would get hate comments about how they were Mary Sues. I actually had a thicker skin in high school than I do now (how did that happen?), but I still stopped writing OCs. I went from a girl who had literally hundreds of OCs (ask me nicely and I might screenshot the character lists from my Warrior Cats phase for you: its impressive), to a girl who wrote canon characters and canon characters only.

It took me a long time to start writing OCs again. Eventually, when I was college I started to feel like the hatred of OCs was stupid. Why did I have to avoid OCs just because everyone hated them and thought they were Mary Sues? I wrote original fiction as well as fanfic! Didn’t that mean that I knew how to write an OC without making them a Mary Sue? I decided I was sick of it so I wrote a fic flying in the face of all of it. That fic is about the Jedi Order during the Clone Wars, and its easily one of the artsiest things I’ve ever written. It’s structured as a collection of short scenes set from the of AoTC until RoTS. Each scene is in a different character’s POV and at least mentions the character who will be in POV character in the next one. The characters were drawn from canon, the old EU and my old OCs. Reba-Kah makes an appearance, and so does Emjen Enla (actually I think this might be the only time I ever actually wrote Emjen, but that’s another story entirely). I’m not going to link it because I wrote it a long time ago and I’m a much better writer now, but while writing this I looked back at it I noticed that I’d included an author’s note that talks a lot about the same things I’m discussing here, so obviously that was on my mind.

No one read that fic, but at least I didn’t get any hate on it. Still, it’s now 2020 and I’m writing the Fightingverse, which is a series where half the major characters are OCs. I’m pleasantly surprised with the responses that it’s getting, actually. I didn’t think anyone would read the first Baas POV fic (I hesitate to say Baas’s fic because that’s something else entirely), but people did and it has a fair number of Kudos so it seems people like it. Maybe things are getting better now (probably not, but I’m a pessimist, what do I know?).

On a more global scale, in my experience only two types of characters get nailed with the “Gross, a Mary Sue” bullshit. They are:

1. Characters who are women who inhabit roles that are considered men’s roles or who are badass and powerful in ways people think only men should be. (Rey from the Star Wars Sequels is an example of this.)

2. Self Insert OCs written by kids (usually girls, actually) who are just having fun imagining that they are part of the story and are cool and powerful and can save the day.

If you look at those two categories it becomes obvious that there is a lot more to unpack here than just whether someone who writes a “Mary Sue” is a terrible writer and deserves to be shamed off the internet. Actually, it becomes obvious that isn’t the problem at all (//sarcasm Oh, it looks like Mary Sue hate was just misogyny all along! Who would have thought? I’m so shocked!). It becomes obvious that Mary Sue is just a charge people level on characters they personally dislike even if the character is well characterized. (And yes I know a Gary Stu is a thing, but that term was never used with as much hate as Mary Sue is.)

To further hammer this home, out of curiosity I tried to fill the Mary Sue Litmus test linked above out on myself. I got a 20, which in fanfic terms means there’s a low-to-moderate chance I’m a Mary Sue (//sarcasm “but don’t worry this is generally a safe range to be in”). 😬The list contains traits possessed by many well-loved fictional characters including Katara, Toph and Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender. It shits on age-old tropes like the chosen one narrative. Your character becomes more of a Mary Sue if the other characters mourn them when they die (wtf?). If you only check a couple things your character is either a “Hood Ornament” (meaning you’re such a sucky writer you can’t even manage an active character so we’re going to hate you) or an “anti-Sue” (meaning you tried so hard not to write a Mary Sue you did the exact opposite and we’re still going to hate you). Above all you can tell that the list is based on one person’s opinion, and their arrogance oozes through every word of the stupid thing. It’s awful. I hate it. It’s a good thing the creator realized it was messed up, even if it’s too late and the damage is already done.

Basically where I’m going with this is that there’s nothing productive about Mary Sue hate. It always either demonstrates your prejudices or attacks younger writers (often both). People need the space to learn, and they can’t do that if they get attacked for writing things that they enjoy. Women chosen ones and women with badass powers are also things that should exist; they should not be held to standards that men in the same roles would not be. The Mary Sue label is not helpful and just gives people a convenient buzzword to use to spew hate.

tl;dr: The concept of Mary Sues in inherently flawed and based in attacks on young writers at best and outright misogyny at worst.

(Note: I deliberately did not touch on the genres of x OC and x Reader fanfic that is written by adults because I have very little experience with them. However, at casual glance, it appears the point is writing a character who is generic enough to allow the reader to project themself into the story, which changes the rules slightly as you could argue the writer is deliberately trying to write a character who would be considered a Mary Sue.)

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pitiless-achilles-wept · 5 years

Text

Not "Just Hair": Exposure, Autonomy, and Vulnerability

Hello friends, In the past couple days it's become clear to me that I've hit a certain (unwelcome) cancer milestone: I'm losing my hair. Right now it's just shedding like crazy. (If I had a contest with my cat--who's losing his hair for summer right now--I would still totally win!) I don't know why, given that it's a primary side effect of this drug (90% of people lose their hair), but I'm somehow still surprised. I think I felt that, having been in in an improbable, tiny percentage on most other things related to this disease I might at least have the chance to be in the special 10% on something positive. Not so! Perhaps I'm also surprised, though, because my other symptoms haven't been very bad...so much so that (as I wrote about before) I'm in a constant anxiety spiral about whether something physical is a sign or symptom and, if so, whether it means the treatment is working or not. Hair falling out is unquestionably a sign that the chemo is doing something--that it's doing precisely what it's supposed to, in fact, and targeting fast-growing cells of all types. So, yes, in that sense I want to lose my hair. Right when I was first diagnosed I wanted them to hit me with everything all at once: chemo, surgery, radiation - I wanted to be assaulted by every weapon the medical profession had to wield against cancer and I didn't care what I looked like or how I suffered. I wanted to enter treatment as a warrior and I wanted to look like one, shaved head and all. Somehow, though, I lost that attitude. It's not that I don't want to fight, but that the stance of being a warrior all the time is exhausting. There's a lot that's less than ideal about using the language of conflict and battle (and implicitly of winning and losing) to talk about something that you don't have any control over. If this chemo agent doesn't kill enough cells (as my pessimistic side believes it won't) it won't be because I did or didn't do anything. If it does work, it's only my victory in the sense that it's good luck for me. My body isn't the warrior so much as a field on which battles are waged on a cellular level. And my mind has nothing to do with the success--or not--of these conflicts. Fundamentally, I have no control. And that's the hardest thing for me about losing my hair. [More below including Buffy gifs!!]

The loss of bodily autonomy involved in having cancer is huge. Not only does it feel like it's something personal, since it's your own cells (sometimes directed by your own DNA) that have betrayed you, but it's also something you can't fix; you can't do anything to change the outcome of your treatment. You can change the treatment itself (different chemo agents, additional drugs, supplementary radiation), but you can't train for it the way you train for a marathon, where your own commitment to training can pretty much guarantee you steady progress and a positive result. You can supplement your own treatment with things (vitamins, injections, crystals, chocolate) that you believe may help. You can train yourself in healthy ways to respond emotionally. (I was already in therapy but everyone involved with cancer treatment should be.) You can go to the gym and keep your body "otherwise healthy"--a phrase that my doctors said to and about me repeatedly during the diagnosis phase and that I never stopped finding funny...being perfectly healthy EXCEPT for Stage 4 cancer is something of a cosmic joke. (I know that they meant that, unlike many of their patients, I could endure the treatments very well and with minimal complications. That IS a good thing. But still...) You cannot train for cancer treatment. It's a battle, but one you must enter alone, untrained, and unarmed. Fundamentally, you have only yourself. And that must be enough. (I don't mean to dismiss the wonderful community of friends and family here; you all give me the strength to fight this fight. You just can't go with me.) There's an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show which I love and which has meant a lot to me at different times in my life, where Buffy must fight her vampire ex-boyfriend Angel (who SPOILERS used to be a good guy because he was cursed with a soul but he lost it because he experienced true happiness with her) who has been systematically finding the best ways to hurt her, psychologically, before killing her. In this final battle, he backs her against a wall, sword pointed at her and says, "So that's everything. No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what's left?" to which she replies, while grabbing his sword midair with her bare hands, "Me.":

(Gif source: x)

If you want it, here's a clip on YouTube (this exchange is about a minute in). That moment has been my inspiration from the first moment of diagnosis. I had already used it to get through my divorce when I felt I had lost everything. I hadn't, though, because I was still me, with a core resilience and self-confidence and the righteous strength that enabled me to keep going, to thrive. It is grossly unfair that, less than a year later, I need to draw on that same energy again, but that is how battles work. We survive to fight another day. No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what's left? Me. I know I've just employed the rhetoric of battle immediately after saying it's not ideal. It's not. I'm a peacetime creature, really, as are most of us. But I won't back down from a fight or sidestep necessary conflict either. And being a warrior is not the same as being embroiled in constant battle. Even Achilles put down his shield and wept in Priam's tent. In fact, all this content is on another blog whose title is "Pitiless Achilles Wept." You can read here about why I called it that, but here's the most important part that I wrote about the scene where Achilles and Priam cry together:

"They speak the universal language of human beings here: grief. They weep as fathers and sons and lovers because that’s honestly the only constant in our small human lives. So here I am, recording my grief, with the hope that at least, by being together, we can get through the evil I have to endure. I actually thought that the blog title was a quotation–and a beautiful line of poetry–but nowhere can I find a translation that reads, 'Pitiless Achilles wept.' But I still cannot think of a line that feels more appropriate to record the thoughts of someone who has to be both a warrior (brave, fierce, pitiless) and a frightened, vulnerable person."

Tonight I am that frightened and vulnerable person, furious that (without my permission) my body is shedding the hair that I have always loved and scared at how it will change my experience of being in the world. When I got my hair cut two weeks ago it showed no signs of giving up the ghost. My stylist tugged on it and pronounced that "you have really strong hair!" and I allowed myself to think that, somehow, that would protect me. Ah yes, I thought, my hair is strong like all the rest of me; it will endure.

Losing it therefore feels symbolic on a number of levels. I know that it doesn't make me weak, but it does make me vulnerable. How can I be so exposed, without any hair to duck under when I feel anxious? How will I get through the day without being able to run my hands through my hair (a nervous tic that is a self-soothing gesture...and currently hastening my hair loss)? How will I cope with being no longer regarded as immediately aesthetically pleasing (from my privileged position as someone who ticks many of the stereotypical boxes for attractiveness) by people who don't know me? (I did not realize how much I relied on this to navigate the world but it has certainly been made visible to me now. Perhaps this warrants another post later.)

Losing my hair is a good sign. We all want chemo to be as effective as possible so the more fast-growing cells we see being targeted the better. But as it marks me, visibly, as "sick" it robs me of the opportunity to choose whether to tell people or not--yet another loss of autonomy. I do have a wig that looks as much as possible like my regular hair. (I don't love everything about it but unless you have one custom-made you're not likely to find anything that looks precisely like you do.) This should enable me to pass as healthy, barring other obvious symptoms. But I imagine I might be the kind of person who would rather go bald (or at least with a 1930s Norma Desmond head wrap) as a way of owning my illness, taking back some of what it has stolen. I might rather this say, "Yes, this illness is a part of me now--even if it's not pretty. That's what a warrior looks like." No weapons. No friends. No...hair. Take all that away and what's left?

#my life as a cancer patient #vulnerability #autonomy #invisible illness #btvs #buffy #hair loss #I guess this might help in that tag?#bex writes

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pastelgrungewrecker · 5 years

Text

Warm Welcomes

Follow me Everything is all right I'll be the one to tuck you in at night

They met in their first summer. Move in day and new roommates- a gaggle of siblings saying hellos and goodbyes and Mimi awkwardly laughing while she apologized.

Minnie smiled and laughed, adjusting her ponytail before waving it off.

‘It’s nice to have some family vibes before school, it’s alright.’

They were five years in now; closer than ever and content in the idea they’d always be within each other’s reach- And then Mimi dropped a bomb that Minnie worried could change everything.

“Hey, uh- Minnie? I’ve always felt awkward bringing it up but uh. I’ve noticed you don’t have many family pictures up.”

Minnie looked around, seeing the photos from family day- Mimi’s siblings and her fathers, Minnie pulled into so many different snapshots always with a look of excited surprise.

“And- look, I know sometimes its a rough thing, family- but uh. You wanna come with me to Quickdraw’s birthday this weekend? The family would love to see you, and Papa Whirl and Bee worry about you a lot. No pressure though, just thought I’d ask and stuff so-”

The logical part of Minnie’s brain, the part that spoke with Megatron’s rumbling voice from when she was so very young; warned her. Cautioned her, urged her to say no. This was dangerous territory, it was safer to simply stay with Soundwave and Cosmos even though she called them Dad more than she ever saw Him around-

“Of course I would; Help me pick something nice out for him before we go?”

Mimi brightened, before snorting a laugh, “You don’t gotta- he’d be happy just to see you-”

“I want to.”, she said, her heart slipping out with the words to stitch itself to her sleeve.

Mimi’s smile softened, and she patted her thigh, “Let’s hunt up something then, yo.”

Minnie laughed excitedly, dropping onto her best friend’s lap and hooking an arm over her shoulders.

Best friends.

Mimi snuck an arm around her waist to hold her steady and they scrolled for hours, plans devious and devoted intermingling with conspiratorial giggles.

They fell asleep that night as they always had- a laugh saturated order placed for a giant dinosaur the size of a chair after Mimi regaled Minnie with the tales of Quickdraw’s dinosaur phase. Mimi lay awake as Minnie yawned in her sleep; tired out from giggling over little QD’s T-Rex roars echoing from a bubble bath.

Best friends.

Best friends sleep like this, legs tangled and pajamas skewed on their bodies with fingers laced together.

Best friends.

Mimi glanced down at the sleeping Minnie, swallowed hard and carefully kissed the artist’s forehead.

Best friends kiss their friends so softly, and wished them good dreams.

Minnie’s eyes slitted open, not quite asleep, and her face heated before she moved closer on the couch they had crashed on.

Best friends press tight together, like there’s nowhere warmer in a too-cool room than the body laying next to them.

The dinosaur arrived two days before they left- Mimi’s car packed up for a five day vacation with a day of driving at each end. Bags and stuffed monstronsity packed in the back, after Minnie cackled for a moment before carefully putting a pair of costume science goggles she found at one of the thrift shops onto the thing’s head.

“He’s going to lose his shit.”, sighed Mimi with a grin.

“....That reminds me, did you remember your camera?”

“Is photoshop a crime against dignity? I got the camera AND extra batteries. I even called ahead so we can sneak it in.”

“Then let’s get this show on the road, Yeehaw.”

“I said yeehaw ONCE, okay-”

“Once is sin enough.”

Mimi rolled her eyes dramatically as she got in the driver’s side and Minnie dropped into the passenger side with raucous cackling at Mimi’s huffy expression. The car hummed to life, and Mimi pat the dash wit a murmur of “Attagirl.”

Minnie laughed at her Best Friend’s antics- but snuggled into the seat with a hum of “Thank you.”

The goggles on the big plush dino glinted in the sunlight slanting through car windows as the drive began.

Nine hours on the road.

The trip took a full day, counting their little stops. First it was a lunch and rest; getting fries with too much ketchup and sitting on the hood of the car while they ate; Minnie whining at how hot the parking lot was under her bare feet until Mimi sighed and offered a piggyback carry.

The second was for the view off the side of the highway- where the world dropped away and the guardrail was all that separated them from empty air and treetops. The camera was pulled out, and photos snapped- some in the open, but plenty in secret.

Mimi’s breath caught when the breeze picked up, unfurling Minnie’s ponytail like a queen’s velvet train or a princess’s veil. Her finger shook as she clicked the button for the capture; and she did her best to play it off as nothing but the heat beating down on them both. The sun made Minnie shimmer, and made Mimi wonder if she was real.

Her very Best Friend was so beautiful.

Minnie held the camera the rest of the way; clicking a few shots of the way streetlights lit up Mimi’s rounded face with it’s strong jaw- From Perceptor, Minnie had figured. Drift had more graceful lines than cliffside angles.

Her very Best Friend carried softness like armor, and wielded it like her father’s rifle.

When they pulled down the road into the city, Mimi yawned. Minnie frowned, and nudged her to pull over.

“Mimi, c’mon. There’s another hour of driving and you’ve been Miss Road Warrior the whole time. I’ll get us there no sweat, take a nap? You know your dads are going to swarm you the second they sense your car driving up.”

“But-”

“Mimi.”

A huff, and then a nod, “I’d like it on record that I can TOTALLY do the whole drive, though.”

“I know, but this year at Uni has been hell for us both.”

Mimi was asleep the second Minnie settled into the driver’s seat. She glanced over; just in time to see Mimi slowly lean until she rested against Minnie’s shoulder and sigh softly.

Something warm was waking up in Minnie’s chest, and she started the car after pulling the door closed. The lights were bright at this time of evening; as the last dregs of sunlight faded into the needlefelted evening. Minnie’s fingers tapped aimlessly on the steering wheel before she carefully reached forward ad turned the radio up just a little more to fill the silence.

She pretended not to notice the love song playing as the stars came out.

She almost missed the driveway- if not for the odd add-ons to the house she would have driven on into the dark with Mimi’s even breathing echoing from her ear down to her ribcage- the peaceful feeling settling like a stone over her diaphragm.

“Mimi, c’mon. We’re here.”

A snort and a huff and Mimi jerked awake, blinking owlishly before she yawned and stretched the best she could in the cramped seat. Minnie burst into snickers at the out of time blinking before Mimi nudged her with an elbow and a pout.

“Stoppit Minnie- I was bit tired okay.”

“You look like a dork when you sleep.”

“Says the droolfactory okay.”

“Rude!”

Smiles on their faces so heavy they hurt as they unfolded from the car- each grabbing their bags from the back and both of them donating an arm to carry the massive stuffed dinosaur.

Brainstorm met them at the door with muted squeals of joy and hugs for each of them.

“We’ve flipped some of the rooms since you’ve been at college, Froggy-”

“Beeeeee-”

“Don’t care how old you are, in this house you’re Froggy and you know it. I remember the barrette hell of your adolescence.”

Minnie snorted, wheezing softly as Mimi rolled her eyes at Brainstorm’s matter of fact way of stating what he felt was the obvious. A familiar door opened, showing Mimi’s old wide room- two beds tucked against opposite walls and Brainstorm looked at the dinosaur; then at the girls.

“You two are absolute menaces. This is going to be the best show since I hide volatile chemicals in Percy’s coffee cabinet.”

“Please don’t remind me of that.”

All three jumped and turned around to see Drift in the doorway, shaking his head. He leaned back, looking up and down the empty hallway before leaning back in.

“Minnie, how’s Soundwave?”

Minnie felt her heart drop.

Drift held his hands up with a chuckle when she began to stammer, “Calm down, young’n. It’s an honest question. It’s been a long, LONG while since I’ve seen him- He’s a good guy.”

“H-how did, but I-”

Drift shook his head, “Minnie, we all have known since the first day we met you.”

“I. I put up zero pictures, I-”

“Your phone background.”m said another voice from behind Drift. Perceptor nudged his way in, beaming wide as he hugged his daughter first- and Minnie second, shocked thought she was. He fussed over her bangs a moment before continuing, “You have a picture of you, Soundwave, and Cosmos as your background. Or you did, back then. It lights up and shows the lockscreen when you get a text, hon.”

She blinked, looking at the gathered grins.

Brainstorm snorted, “Trust me- this is the last household that’s going to judge something like that.”

Drift nodded.

“After all, we have Megatron’s ACTUAL pet cat here-”

“HEY.”

Minnie wheezed a weak laugh at Drift’s annoyed expression as he crossed his arms and huffed in a way she recognized as familiar. Mimi stepped in, making a ‘shoo’ motion with her hands to chase her father’s out and shut the door.

“So. Mimi, when you said that family stuff is rough-”

“I didn’t wanna make an assuption- but I also knew that you would have had a good reason for bringing it up. But... Hiding isn’t always a good thing.”, said Mimi, her face heating in a bright blush, “So... So I, and my dads... We wanted to make you feel welcome. Feel safe.”

“...Why?”

Something glinted in Mimi’s eyes as they stared at, into, each other for a moment.

“Because you’re my... my Best Friend, Minnie. I’d do anything for you.”

Minnie felt her chest seize, and looked shyly away.

“The feeling’s mutual..... Froggy.”

“OI.”

She choked back a squeal, scrambling up onto one of the beds as Mimi leapt at her- and soon it was like all the long nights in their dorm room. Minnie swatted at Mimi’s hands as they tickled a firm waist and then they were a pile of hushed giggles and faces tucked against each other to hide red cheeks.

They stayed quiet a moment, and something rose in Minnie’s throat. She tried, she tries to swallow it down- words she’d been warned about, cautioned about, shied away from but it was so difficult-

“Hey, Minnie?”, whispered Mimi, “...I love you.”

The world shattered; warnings felt a thousand miles away as the world narrowed and shrank down to just this room, with the bedside lamp dim and warm and the windows cracked to let late summer breezes and early fall whispers drift in.

“I love you too.”

They slept in one bed that night, as Best Friends do- tangled together and pressed as close as they could; with kisses to foreheads and cheeks and whispered words made of eiderdown and fresh cotton.

#pastelwrites #humanformers #mimi #minnie #lesbeans for crim #and for me #THEYRE GOOD GORLS OKAY AND THEY DESERVE JOY

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musicallisto · 6 years

Note

Bonjour Belle✨, Can I know more about your ES MC with the MC ask game? ✨

Thanks for asking! I love talking about my OCs until I annoy the heck out of people ^^

#01. Name? Any nickname? Taylor Hera Montgomery-McKenzie, although she doesn’t know she has a middle name. It isn’t written on any of the paperwork involving her since her birth, adding to the mysteries surrounding her. Hera, in addition to being a mythological figure, of course, is also said to derive from the Greek ‘ηρως (heros) “hero, warrior”; ‘ωρα (hora) “period of time"; or ‘αιρεω (haireo) “to be chosen”. Those three ideas combined pretty much sum up her personality and fate.

#02. Birthday? As her file says, she was born on January 1st on La Huerta.

#03. What’s their family like? She has lost all rememberance of her family. It started bothering her more and more as time passed on the island. When she got on that plane, she clearly remembered her parents, her father’s kind smile and her mother’s warm eyes, her little brother’s cheerful enthusiasm, but the more time she spent on La Huerta, the less she thought about them and the more those colors and laughs started to blur as though the island was having some tricky effect on her mind - or perhaps it was revealing the true nature of what she deeply considered as her memories and her history. She has only confessed those doubts to Jake during their honeymoon, but brushed it off lightly, not wanting to kill the mood between her husband and her, and aware he could do nothing about it.

#04. Relationship status? She is handfasted to Jake McKenzie, which can be considered as a marriage despite not being one in the Western norm.

#05. Top 3 songs?

3. Enrique Iglesias - Bailando2. Amaral - Alerta1. Muse - Unintended

She’s definitely one for what people would consider “guilty pleasure music”. She loves all genres, but has always had a soft spot for reggaeton and hispanophonic music in general, whether it be from South America or Spain. Spanish is a language that she’s always felt drawn to, maybe because of its warm and sensual sound. Alerta is a song she finds utterly beautiful, despite not understanding any of the lyrics at first. If you hear her humming a tune, that’s probably the “ale ale, ale ale alerta”s from the chorus. And Unintended… Unintended reminds her of her adolescence, when she went through her rock phase like almost every 90′s kid - the thing she’s never quite gotten out of it, and fell utterly in love with this band and this particular song when she was fifteen. It reminds her of her relationship with Jake every time she listens to it and always manages to soothe her.

#06. Fave book? Taylor is one for mystery, thriller and science-fiction. She’s in love with Agatha Christie’s books, always been, so it’s clear that her favorite book of all time is Ten Little Niggers, a novel that is so different from everything she’s ever read before. The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux is a very close second though. She didn’t think she would like it that much when she first picked it up, usually not that interested in romance nor historical fiction, but it became her number two through the years thanks to the deep, complex personalities of the characters and the mystery surrounding the phantom.

#07. Fave movie? Although the Phantom of the Opera adaptation from 2001 holds a special place in her heart because of how much she adored the book, her favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs.

#08. Fave show? She’s never watched a lot of TV-shows, but if she had to choose one, it would be Black Mirror, which she never finished because of her life-changing trip.

#09. Hobbies? Swimming. She’s a very strong swimmer, it’s her favorite sport and what she’s always done when she needs to get her mind off of things a little bit. She’s never participated in any competitions though. She also used to practise horse-riding when she was little, but stopped when she entered middle school.

#10. What Perfect Match type would they be? She is the Leader. She has that little something that makes all people instantly confide in her and trust her to make the best decisions and guide them through the storms. She’s most comfortable when in command.

#11. Biggest guilty pleasure? As I mentioned before, it’s all about Latino music! She doesn’t personally consider it a guilty pleasure, just songs that are often played at parties and nowhere else, but she loves to have a little Gente de Zona dance party on her own. She’s a terrible dancer, but that doesn’t stop her from enjoying it, right?

#12. Deepest darkest secret? Apart from being the Endless, she doesn’t remember anything very huge, and her life as she remembers it has always been pretty uneventful and calm. Nobody knows that she has stolen money from some of her classmates in high school when she was in very tough times. It’s not something she’s proud of, and wouldn’t really mind if that shameful memory turned out to be a scam.

#13. Fave childhood memory? She remembers when she went to Disney World in Florida with her parents and her brother - she must have been six or seven, and insisted on going on every. single. ride. much to her parents’ dismay, they were dragged by her brother and her all around the park, but that’s still Taylor’s most prized memory.

#14. Sweet or savoury? Savory, and if possible, spicy.

#15. Hogwarts house? She is a Gryffindor through and through!

#16. Fave food? Argentinan parrilla! More commonly known as grill, but Argentinan parrilla sounds better to her, and Argentinan steak is definitely the best of all.

#17. Fave drink? She doesn’t like sodas, so she would stick to water or lemonade most of the time, but she is also a great mojito fan.

#18. Most treasured possession? A quartz necklace her mother offered her when she turned eighteen, something that has passed through her family for generations and generations. She doesn’t know if everything in her past is false, but at least the necklace isn’t, securely resting on her neck.

#19. Their goals for the future? She wants to escape this hell of an island, spend a few years away from everything by the shore with her husband while helping him clear his name and attending college to finally graduate - then find a stable career and maybe have kids.

#20. Dog-lover or cat-lover? She’s a dog lover! Dogs are better than anything or anyone in her opinion. She doesn’t necessarily hate cats, but she does dislike their tendency to be very independent and snobbish at times.

#21. Early bird or night owl? She’s a night owl. She has no trouble being awake past midnight, but is unable to wake up before seven in the morning. Ever. E v e r.

#22. How do they relax after a bad day? She takes a bath, a long, hot shower or goes swimming in the pool. As I said before, she’s literally a fish in the water and that’s her element.

#23. What do they see as their biggest flaw? She’s aware of her tendency to be quite bossy. Accostumed to being the leader of her group of friends or in school projects, the respected older sister, and with lenient parents, it’s understandable that she would develop the tendency to think that she’s in the position to give orders to anyone. When meeting other strong, commanding personalities like Sean, it was obvious it would clash at first.

#24. And their greatest strength? On the other hand, she is cold-blooded and knows how not to lose her temper when facing a dangerous situation. She knows a lot about survival and feels at ease with responsibilities.

#25. Tragedy strikes! How do they handle a crisis? At first, she shuts everyone off, isolates herself and tries to think about it on her own, but not for long or she’s bound to go crazy or do something stupid. Most of the time, she tries not to show the effect it has on her, but it’s sometimes difficult to hide her feelings from people she’s with all the time.

#26. Coffee shop order? I’m not sure she really likes coffee, or at least, if she can avoid drinking it, she will. She often orders a hot chocolate instead.

#27. It’s Friday night and they’re home alone, what do they get up to? Probably go clubbing with friends or throw a party at her place! She loves music, she loves dancing, she loves being surrounded by people, so it’s the best alternative to concile those three things.

#28. Fave pizza toppings? There’s this pizza that has BBQ sauce, lardons and mushrooms… it’s her ultimate favorite.

#29. What would their superhero name be? Harley Quinn. She’s always liked the tortuous comics character and her complex relationship with the Joker, and their partner in crime-like dynamic reminds her of her complicity with her friends and especially with Jake - besides, Joker was the first nickname she gave him.

#30. What would their ideal day look like? Something adventurous, ourdoors, something out of the ordinary, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Something like paragliding over the bay, or one of her biggest dreams: swimming in the open sea with marine animals.

#31. What did they want to be when they grew up? Has it changed? Believe it or not, when she was little, she wanted to be a firefighter. She’s always been attracted to the idea of helping other people and being in the heat of the action. After she grew up, she abandoned that idea and thought about becoming a doctor. She doesn’t mind what field, she’s sure about the fact that she wants to save people, whatever the cost is.

#32. Do they believe in ghosts? I mean, after being repeatedly saved by one, it’s a little hard not to. But even after La Huerta, a part of her always believed in them.

#33. Do they like amusement parks? oh YES she adores them and would spend DAYS in there if she could.

#34. How many pillows do they sleep with? Three. She likes to be comfortable when she’s sleeping and bury her face in the soft fabric.

#35. What song always gets them dancing? Bailando by Enrique Iglesias. No matter the context, she will always try a few flamenco moves (and fail).

#36. Fave boardgame? Mafia! She’s the one who proposes a game of Mafia at literally every party ever and therefore kills the mood with her childishness lol

#37. If they play Monopoly, what token are they? The ship. To blow up her enemies better, she says.

#38. What does their laugh sound like? High-pitched, a little airy and always with her infamous flirtatious notes.

#39. Describe their aesthetic. Dancing until four in the morning, summer nights and their infinity of stars, tipsily walking down the streets in the unholy hours of the morning, neon lights, cocktail umbrellas by the beach.

#40. Do they exercise? Yeah, she loves running and as I mentioned before, swimming, so she does both on a daily basis. She’s quite athletic, but absolutely not gracious or flexible. So forget everything about dancing or gymnastics.

#41. Fears? Waking up before seven a.m., essentially. Also, she’s terrified ogf being alone, she cannot stand solitude. And she’s never told anyone about her phobia of bugs. Especially wasps. Those creatures deserve hell. She will lose her mind if a wasp is around and try to find the closest source of water to avoid it. They’re the worst for her, and she’s already had panic attacks when being bothered by a wasp when she was little.

#42. Proudest achievement? Surviving La Huerta is already a good one, but apart from that, running 500m in 1′31 minutes when she was eighteen. She hasn’t been able to beat that record ever since, and it’s safe to stay she will never do it again… unless she’s chased down by a horde of zombies.

#43. Fave type of weather? Sunny! She hates the cold and can’t stand foggy weather.

#44. Fave animal? I can see her really liking small monkeys, malicious and clever, but her favorite animal of all of them is the tiger. There’s something so majestic and venerable about them.

#45. Do they like fairytales? She loved them as a kid, but they remained in her childhood. Let’s say she doesn’t care about them that much.

#46. Describe them in 3 words. Fierce piña colada. That’s it. That’s Taylor.

#47. Biggest pet peeve? Slow walkers. she’s always moving, jumping, hyperactive, she has to have space to move.

#48. Hobbies? Swimming, dancing, running - she used to take some guitar lessons when she was younger, but basically only remembers how to play the intro riff of Come As You Are and it’s a very, very painful process.

#49. Extrovert or introvert? Extrovert! That doesn’t mean she can’t be shy in some situations, but she feels more at ease when she’s around a large group of people.

#50. Random headcanon She’s never been to a music festival, nor a concert for that matter. She promised herself she would go one summer to Reading Festival or Coachella with Diego, but never got the chance to do it. It’s one of her biggest regrets when she’s stuck on La Huerta.

MC questionnaire!

#mc appreciation week #pixelberry #playchoices #endless summer #ask

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blairaptor · 7 years

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5 Things about me

I was tagged by @lunawolf237yeahstuff

5 things you’ll find in my bag:

1) Lip balm! Can’t live without it, haha

2) Mint chewing gum

3) Earplugs (Seriously, I just keep them in my bag for when I go to movies or concert type things. Gotta preserve my hearing)

4) Phone (This is an obvious one haha but I just got an iPhone so now it had music and I don’t carry my iPod around as much)

5) Swipe card and room key (for my college campus and dorm)

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom:

1) Lots of precious stuffed animals!

2) Desk set up for drawing with my laptop and tablet connected

3) Sketchbooks and lots of traditional art supplied I wish I used more

4) A fake candle lamp that says “happy haunting” because I get spoopy any ole time

5) Clothing draped on a chair or on my bed because I need to put it away whoops

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in life:

1,2) I only have two things on my ‘bucket list’ so far: eat rattlesnake and visit Hell Creek formation

3) Get a pet! I have never had a pet before

4) I want to become a published artist! like with a real published comic or tv show or something. still not sure where my art is taking me but I still have time to figure it out~

5) Hmmm guess I’ll put ‘get married’ on here since I dunno if it’ll happen and it would be tons of hard work but I’ve been told it’s worth it haha

5 things that make me happy:

1) My friendships! Especially the amazing Christian fellowship I have with my college friends. It’s like I didn’t know what real friendship could be like until I met them.

2) My brother! He is my original BFF and my favorite person in the world~

3) Drawing! I guess it has to be on here haha since it’s my Thing

4) Cycling. I really love exploring local shops after cycling into town for the day

5) Musicals

5 things I’m currently into:

1) Gotta put Portal first since it’s the most recent thing that’s really resonated with me

2) My dinosaur love is coming back since I recently re-read Jurassic Park. I always love dinosaurs but I’ve been thinking about them more lately.

3) Bluegrass music! I love bluegrass and I found a great instrumental playlist on Spotify so I use that when studying. I love the feelings of spring and summer in the South that it evokes.

4) I watch Steven Universe and even though I don’t really post about it it’s great and I try to keep up with the new episodes

5) I wouldn’t say I’m ‘into’ it per se but I’ve been listening to Hamilton a lot lately and I really enjoy that

5 things on my to do list:

1) Finish REM this summer! I love it but I’m ready to move on to other things.

2) Finish this semester strong!

3) I also have to get prepared for my study away in May aaahh I have so much to do for school

4) I’m doing a scripture plan where I read the whole Bible in a year, a little each day, so that’s always on my list. It’s been really cool so far.

5) Right now I’m reading The Circle since the movie comes out at the end of the month and my friend wants me to see it with her. Should be fun!

5 things people may not know about me:

1) I went through a phase where I was one of those edgy Warrior Cats animators on YouTube. Some of the videos are still up since they got me thousands of views lol so if anyone reading this wants to hunt them down for a laugh… they aren’t hard to find.

2) Related - when I was still active on YouTube I had my own original series called Dinosaur Dynasty! It was supposed to have 10 episodes but I only got through 3… but I’m still really proud of what I managed to accomplish! I also voice-acted in them. Again, if you look me up on YouTube you can find them. ^^

3) I was conceived via in vitro fertilization. So if you thought “test tube babies” weren’t real… I am one! Though I was actually formed in a petri dish, I think.

4) I can’t really understand sarcasm. I mean, I know what it is, but I guess I’m gullible and sometimes it’s very difficult for me to tell when people are joking with me. So it can be really frustrating and result in accidentally hurt feelings if I have a sarcastic friend. Then of course the internet also makes it hard to tell what people really intend to say when they ‘speak’.

5) I’m pretty type A when it comes to school. I’ve always had good grades, I never skip class in college… I feel so guilty if I don’t put effort into an assignment since I don’t want to let my teachers down. I don’t get how other kids can just do whatever and do assignments last minute and stuff. I have to do everything XD

I tag @toothpaste-dragon, @starry-nightengale and @elvenwhovian (hopefully y’all haven’t been tagged before)

#you don't have to do it if you don't want to of course #blair speaks #memes #5 things about me

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brydeswhale · 7 years

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Top Ten Wolf Names

@northstarfan, top ten best Wolf names, but I don’t know if they’ll be very interesting to you.

I actually found this a really hard list to compile, although I do admit I didn’t allocate too much time to it. It’s mostly WARP canon wolves, with the exception of a Wild Hunt character.

One thing that became very, very clear while going through this list was the fact that, like cat and rabbit owners, the Wolfriders prefer the rule of cool when it comes to wolf names. This might also be an element of how, until post KOTBW, the wolves were not mounts or pets, but full fledged members of the community in their own right.

So, one of the things I incorporated into my list was how the name indicated something about the wolf’s elf friend, as well as the wolf itself. I wanted to think about why someone might give a certain name, and what that reflected on the elf.

10. Holtfinder

So, Holtfinder is Moonshade’s new wolf friend, as of “The Quest Begins”. Most people might not know it, but Moonshade’s wolf is one of the two that dies during the desert trek. Obviously, this is a new wolf friend, acquired during the sojourn in the desert.

You might picture Holtfinder as a squirming puppy, the kind that spends their time trying to find a little den to snuggle in, maybe under the blankets with Moonshade, and being named for that reason.

However, Moonshade is noted for being one of the Wolfriders who adjusts the most badly to Sorrow’s End. Even up until Cutter decides to leave, she’s asking if they can come along, back to the forest. Moonshade is often portrayed as happiest in the woods, and in the holt(making her sudden decision to turn into a palace dweller very jarring), and her decision to name her wolf friend after this desire may have symbolized her homesickness and desire to return.

9. Smoketreader

One Eye has always fascinated readers, even me. From his outfit, like Scouter’s, it’s straight out of a book of Fairy Tales, to his missing eye, to his relationship with Clearbrook, we love him, unquestionably, completely dismissing the fact that he is actually incredibly boring. Perhaps the appeal is that his character is nothing more than what we choose to make of it, and that he doesn’t look like our fathers.

Smoketreader would have been higher on this list, except that I have been completely misremembering his name as Stormtreader, so, I had to reconsider it.

Smoketreader is a simple, straightforward name. One Eye’s few characterization points include that he is a simple, straightforward elf. Smoketreader makes sense in that way, if you’re trying to convey that your wolf is as quiet as smoke. Or maybe he named him because he ran out of the smoke during the fire.

This is mostly an excuse to point out that One Eye got a wolf friend during his eye loss. See, while the humans were burning his eye out, he sent to his wolf-friend, who had died months ago. Another wolf answered this sending, and it’s romantic to imagine that Smoketreader’s name came from his arrival. One Eye’s remaining eye sees his rescuer through the smoke of the burning brand descending toward his remaining eye.

Then Wolfrider happened and Wendy forgot what timelines were, so...

8. Bundles

While I stand by my multiple previous statements about Tyleet and her entire childhood being a timesuck of epic proportions, that it adds nothing to the story, and that it takes precious comic book space away that might have been devoted to Venka, she does give her wolves good names. “Bundles” is adorable, exactly the kind of name that a little girl might give to her puppy, based more on, well, how the word sounds than what it might mean.

7. Silvergrace

Amazingly, there aren’t a lot of shots of Silvergrace with Rainsong, her elf friend. There aren’t any body shots of Silvergrace at all, this is a random wolf with puppies that helps call the Wolfriders to help Cutter after Bearclaw dies.

Silvergrace and Newstar are both simple, descriptive names, but what they describe is pure loveliness. It’s as easy to imagine Silvergrace sliding like mercury through the world as it is to imagine Rainsong looking at her newborn daughter and seeing her as a bright burst of hope following a horrific tragedy. Woodlock must have named Wing, because Mender is another descriptive name, full of hope. Rainsong is a mother and a poet.

6. Filcher

Filcher is, basically, one of the bright lights of FQ. He provides some fun and humour in the frankly terrible series that it otherwise lacks.

Cutter likes to give wolves obvious names. “Nightrunner” and “Holdfast” were a little too symbolic, though, whereas one can easily see Cutter giving Filcher his name in a moment of amused frustration. Cutter’s wolf friends are usually dignified or angsty, but Filcher is pure joy, and you get the feeling that Cutter felt the same way.

5. Snapper

Snapper is a pretty indication of how Bearclaw names wolves, with a possible predecessor named Crest. He likes quick names that indicate a physical or personal characteristic of the wolf in question, which goes with his mental tendencies to snap judgements and impulsive behaviour. The wolf snaps? Snapper, forevermore.

4. Blackfell

More an omen of Bearclaw’s descent into violence and hatred than a true wolf friend, Blackfell was always unusual in both his introductions. In Blood Of Ten Chiefs, volume 1, he appears as a stranger wolf who, having lost his cubs, has stolen a human child for his mate to care for. This story shows Bearclaw as a hero, who returns the child and allows Blackfell’s mate to care for Cutter and Amber’s new baby, Nightfall. Yeah, Warp has always been this bad.

In Wolfrider, Blackfell is almost demonic, otherworldly. He reinforces Bearclaw’s violence, and, almost until the end, seems to delight in it, although he does have a genuine affection for Bearclaw. He’s not a member of the pack, but the leader of another pack that neighbours with the Wolfriders.

Both times Blackfell is not named by Bearclaw. He knows Bearclaw’s soulname, and Bearclaw knows Blackfell’s name, as if it appears inside him. And what a name it is, evocative of the black dogs of British legend, the foretellers of death and misfortune. He disappears after Bearclaw’s death like the ghost dogs of legend. It’s tempting to wonder if Timmain and Kimo are truly the only shapechanging elves who took to the form of wolves.

3. Patch

Patch has a sweet backstory. Sort of?

Um...

Patch is actually a gift from Teir during his stalking phase.

But Patch is a good point about how Ember resembles her grandfather. Clearly named named for the smudge of black fur on his nose. Ember went for the obvious here. Patch is loads of fun, and Ember clearly adores him, but she just as clearly made a choice about his name in about three seconds.

2. Warfrost

Most people go for the obvious when looking for images of Warfrost, and I have to admit that he’s pretty cute when he wants Cutter’s attention, but for my mind this image of two damaged souls barely reaching out for each other is the best illustration of Cutter’s tenuous bond with his second wolf.

One of Cutter’s many poetically named wolves, Warfrost is my favourite, so he might not deserve to be on this list, let alone this high on the list.. He had even more personality than Nightrunner, with abuse and imprisonment making him stubborn and independent. He always made it clear that he just happened to be in the same place as Cutter, doing the same thing, and that it didn’t have anything to do with love. “Warfrost” was named for Cutter’s hope for recovery, both for his tribe, himself, and for this strange, fierce wolf.

Warfrost died during Cutter’s long wait. It was another loss for Cutter, one more wound among many, but the old warrior had clearly found his peace, and I’d like to think he’s looking at Cutter and hoping his old friend finds his.

1.Choplicker

It’s one of the great moments in Elfquest.

Back when WARP still pretended that the Wolfriders had ritual and traditions beyond “the (poorly defined) way”, Wolfrider children expecting their first Wolfrider waited outside a wolf den for a pup who emerged, expectant of loving bonds.

Choplicker’s name illustrates Ember’s childhood personality perfectly. Impetuous, happy, not afraid to be a little goofy. Suntop, like Cutter, is a poet, Ember loves to go with whatever comes in her head. “Choplicker” is obviously her first thought on confrontation with puppy kisses. Choplicker himself never outgrew his goofy name, and we were all the happier for it. It’s the perfect name, both for him, and for his rider.

#elfquest

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stars-forever-dwell-blog1 · 7 years

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Between the In-Door and the Out-Door

I really want to keep up this blog, despite the fact that it’s summertime and my depression is all but nonexistent at this time of year, and I would much rather be at the beach, camping, prancing around my garden or dancing naked with lilac bushes under the full moon, than keeping up a seriously depressing blog. But then I remember that it’s not only depressing, it’s hopefully inspiring and comforting to people as well, so I return with resolve renewed.

And tonight I’m going to write about something that I have wanted to write about for awhile, and that is my sexual assault. I do it because I hope that it will be healing for me to get it out and away from me, and also in the hopes that maybe someone else who has gone through it will find some strength or hope in it.

It happened on March 16th of 2008. I had just come to the end of a very long, very confusing and arguably very abusive “phase” in which I had dated and become engaged to a guy who purported to be a Christian (and maybe he was; I don’t know), and had become one myself (I think). This is a story I’ll tell another time, but for now, there are a few things that need to be said.

I was raised by my parents to think, not to have faith. I had never been to church, and I never saw any reason to go. The whole concept that we’re born irredeemable sinners until Jesus makes us clean always struck me as kind of ridiculous. People aren’t perfect obviously, but I think most people are generally good of heart. Do I have an answer for all the evil in the world? No. I have my own personal theories, but they are not in line with traditional Christian beliefs.

When I was fifteen while at a bookstore, I picked up a book on Wicca, and it was like something said, “This is it.” Everything I read made perfect sense, lined up with what I already believed but didn’t have words for, and felt familiar, like I had done it all before. I practiced Wicca from that point until I was 24, and I also met a Cree / Ojibwa elder when I was in high school who adopted me and taught me many things that took root in my heart and soul.

When I was 24 I met the “Christian” lad, and so began my own personal Dark Ages. The next three years were spent with him trying to convert me, me respectfully telling him to bugger off, him breaking up with me, him wanting me back, him finally somehow convincing me to give my life to Jesus (brainwashing is a real thing, folks, and no on is immune), him then breaking up with me again, then proposing to me, then repeating this pattern countless times. And all this time, I had my “church family” telling me that marrying him would make “God” happy, because we had had sex. Why I stayed with him for so long before I was converted despite his obvious problems, I really have no way of justifying. I have co-dependency issues.

So, cut to 2008, when I was finally free of all this, after I finally dumped his sorry ass, whatever “God” thought about it. I was in a really spiritually barren place, yet not really in a bad way. Maybe barren like the desert is barren, which isn’t barren at all, if you know what you’re looking at. I was sick and tired of being told what to do, what not to do, what was right, what was wrong, and to be afraid, because Lucifer is always waiting, ready to pounce. So burn all your old books, throw away your Wiccan altar things, stop talking to all your old friends, and your family doesn’t know God, so best stay away from them, too.

But I digress. I was at ground zero, and I was ready to start rebuilding. I felt like a newborn baby, wanting to do what newborn babies naturally do: seek the boob. The mother. The safety, the comfort, the nurturing, the life-giving source. Where things always felt safe, real, and right. So I opened my phone book and found out that there was a place in my hometown where, every Friday night, there was a sweat lodge held. (If you want to know what a sweat lodge is, look here: http://www.manygoodteachings.com/sweatlodge-understanding.html) I eagerly decided to go, feeling like someone who was arriving in their homeland after years of being away.

I went to a couple sweats there before deciding that I was going to volunteer at this centre where they were held. I wanted to immerse myself in the Native ways again, and I wanted to give something back to the community.

Every sweat is “performed” by an elder, or someone who has earned the right to lead it. I can’t begin to explain what that means here, so I won’t try. Being given the teachings is something that isn’t taken lightly, and here is not the place, and I am not the person. Suffice to say that it is a position of deep respect and trust, much like a priest in a church.

March 16th was a Sunday (day before St. Paddy’s Day…I already had my ticket to see the Celtic rock band the following night, and was all stoked for green beer and dancing into the wee hours). There was a memorial being held at the centre for a woman who’s son had passed away, and I went to volunteer. The man who conducted the sweats worked at the resource centre, and he was there. I had come to trust him in a spiritual mentor kind of way, and had shared a lot of personal things about myself with him.

The service ended around ten at night, and he asked if I would stay late to help him clean up. I agreed, eager to help out and to talk with him. I remember feeling so alive, so re-awakened to my spirituality, happy and free and at peace, excited to be immersing myself in the Native ways again. I remember thinking that I felt like a child, or a flower with the sun shining on me.

But not everyone sees your light and wants to celebrate you. Some want to rip your soul out. Make no mistake. You have to be careful with who you shine your light around. You have to have a lid.

I won’t go into details, but he made a move. I tactfully turned him down, but he didn’t stop. Did I kick him in the nuts and run from the building? No. I let him do whatever he wanted to me, and I was in a daze, a deer in the headlights. Does that mean I deserved it? Fuck no. As my counselor said in the coming weeks, “Anything less than a yes is a no.” And he knew it.

It’s funny, when you’re in a situation like that, strengths and resources come to the surface that you didn’t know you possessed, along with a certain clarity. As I was lying beside him on the floor, I knew with a crystal-clear lucidity that the safest way out of this situation was for me to simply play dumb. I am the naive girl. I don’t like this, but it makes me sad, not angry, and my downcast gaze will break your heart as I whimper, “I thought you said it didn’t have to be sexual between us.”

At one point I went to the bathroom (playing naive gets you certain privileges), and afterwards I went into the foyer of the centre and just stood looking outside. It was the end of winter, and no warmer than -30. It was a bad part of town, the kind where people get murdered. My boots and bag were lying on the floor there, and it occurred to me that I could grab them and run for it. But what if I did? Would he chase me? It was four in the morning. There were no buses. Walking in that part of town was just a bad idea, worse than what I was going through in that building. So I turned and went back in.

I would have to say that the scariest part of the whole experience was feeling – actually feeling – my soul leave my body. I felt it retreat, withdraw, recoil. And I thought, at the time, Okay, this is how I’m dealing with this. Later I will sit down and call her, my personality, my life force, my spirit, back to me. Once I’m safe, I will let her know that she can come back, that it’s safe now. But later, when I did sit down and close my eyes and try and find myself again, the most scary thing was that my soul was nowhere to be found. She had caught the last bus out of town, and I had no idea where she went, or if she would ever come back.

So the night ended, and he drove me downtown to the library, where I told him I needed to go. As if I would have him drive me home. As we were saying our goodbyes, I could tell that the full weight of what he had done was hitting him, and he was scared. I very calmly walked away from him, head high and back straight, and I didn’t look back. My mind was on quietly, methodically, dismantling his life as he knew it. I was channeling my anger and all other emotions into that one purpose. Total warrior mode. No weakness.

I called up one of my best friends and told her more or less what happened, and she insisted I come over. She lived right across the street from me then, and I wasn’t ready to go home yet. It might sound weird, but the thought of seeing my cats made me want to cry. One thing I love about animals is their purity of spirit, their innocence and wide open love. Maybe I felt dirty, maybe I felt unworthy, maybe the thought of seeing them run to the door meowing at me because I had been gone so long would just make all my hardness crumble, and I would really feel what had just happened to me.

So I went over to her place and showered. She loaned me some clothes and made us some tea, and we talked all day and into the evening. I was in this weird state where I refused to let it “catch up with me.” I went to that St. Paddy’s show that night, I danced my ass off, and all the pictures of me from that night are of me smiling and having an awesome time. And I was, because I was determined to. But I was still in shock, feeling empty, like the most essential, animating part of myself was gone.

In the coming weeks the full force of it hit me, and I didn’t leave my apartment for 3 weeks, except to scurry across the street to the little corner store to get really overpriced groceries and chocolate. I felt lost, empty, and like something beyond value had been ripped out of me, and I was just standing there, powerless, empty, bleeding. I would have to describe it as the most vital, precious, deep part of me, something that had always been there so I never thought about it, was just suddenly gone.

There is an amazing organization in my hometown that offers free counseling to survivors of sexual assault, and I did 6 weeks of it, and it was incredibly healing. I told my therapist about this empty feeling, and it didn’t make it go away, but it gave me hope somehow.

There is something called “anonymous reporting” that one can do in situations like these. There was no physical evidence of what he did to me since there was no penetration (at least not that kind), so I couldn’t go to the hospital and get all those tests done. But with anonymous reporting, you give an official statement, in my case to a therapist, of what exactly happened and everything you know about the person who did it. Their name if you know it, what they were wearing, their build, their height, etc. Anything and everything. That being done, if another girl ever reports him, the anonymous report that I made on him will show up on his file, and he’s toast. Moldy toast with no butter. I also informed the board of directors of the centre what he did, and I later heard he got fired. I was very afraid for awhile that he would come looking for me, but thankfully he didn’t know where I lived, and I left town shortly after.

I know that some women choose not to report what happened to them, and that is totally a personal choice. For me, reporting him anonymously to the police and to the board of directors where he was held in such high regard helped release some of the anger I held. No one who does things like this should be in a position of trust and respect in their community. It’s just more assaults waiting to happen.

So that was five years ago, and the healing still continues. I think a big part of it is choice. You can choose to let an experience like this make you shrivel up, never trust again, never open yourself or be sexual again. Or you can choose to keep going, no matter what, keep probing the wound until the infection is gone, and the tissue is pink and healthy again. A woman I deeply respect calls it “beading a necklace.” You take the smallest things – a hope, a good memory, a sweet moment with a lover – and you start stringing them together to re-create yourself and your sense of self as a sexual creature, as a woman, as a human being.

It has affected me sexually and relationally in ways that I can’t really articulate, the wounding was so deep. As a woman, it’s a violation of a deep, deep part of you. I still feel different since before it happened, changed somehow that I can’t explain. But I keep believing that I can be whole again.

Until next time, Blessed Be! )O(

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