I just woke up from a dream and I'm not happy. You know as well as I do that you cannot mix my husband and a social situation, it's not a good thing , it's gonna end in disaster. It did here too.
In my dream I had to leave a social occasion (which I do believe was some kind of vlogger/ film festival) because I had an emergency, and promised to be right back as soon as I could.
Upon returning a few dream hours later darling husband was nowhere to be seen, one darling brother-in-law was trying to fix someone's broken tripod (yes I'm looking at you, Virgil) another was in the middle of an interview (seriously Gordon?) and another was standing off to the side, glaring.
I went over to see why said darling brother-in-law/best friend was glaring and to ask where the darling husband was.
Me: Why are you pissy? And Where's John?
Scott : Shit, you're back!
Me: That's a suspicious greeting right there. Why shouldn't I be back?
Scott : *shiftily * No reason
Me: *narrows eyes* Where's John?
Scott : Why don't we go and get a drink? Cat, shall we get a drink with Sel?
Me: I don't want a drink and I don't trust you. What's going on? Did something happen?
Scott : No…
Me: *hands on hips* Spill it!
Scott : One of his old college buddies is here, they are covering the event for a magazine.
Me: What's the problem with that? *shifty Scott is a thing again* Where is he?
Scott : You don't wanna go ov-
Me: *death stare*
Scott : *wilts and points*
Me: *stomps over to see some blonde hussy in a halter top straining over obviously enhanced jugs, snuggle so close to my man she's practically straddling him and she's taking pictures and selfies, he is doing absolutely nothing about it because this appears to be his college buddy.
Me: *glare goes nuclear as it targets this bleached interloper before I force a sweet smile on my face and turn to darling husband: Hi, can you possibly spare me a moment? *me, sarcastic and passive aggressive? Never!*
Her, the bleached one with the boobs: Do you mind? We're trying to have a private conversation here, neither of us have any time to deal with fans. Honestly, we can't enjoy ourselves anywhere these days.
John: No, it's OK this-
B+B(bleach and boobs) : No, you're off duty, don't let them pressure you into giving them time by making you feel guilty, you don't owe them anything.
Me: I think you're misunderstanding, I'm not looking for a-
B+B: No, you're misunderstanding, can't you see that we're busy and that you need to go away? *drops a possessive, red clawed hand on his shoulder and leans closer.*
John: *clearly stuck between not wanting to offend his friend but also waiting for me to explode and take her down. He gets the one eyebrow raise of impending doom warning* Maddie, its fine, this is-
B+B: *puts a finger to his lips to silence him then glares at me* You're interrupting, go away.
Me: *dream me is apparently a lot more chilled than awake me, because dream me just snaps out* Fine, I guess I'll leave you alone then.
Me: *stomps off* I need a freaking drink!
Cat: *hurries over * Did you kill her? Did you save him?
Me: *glances over at the clinging vine my not-so-darling husband seems to have acquired* Let him perish. I'm getting a drink, are you in or out?
Cat: In! *trots after me*
Me: *is searching out one, very specific drink* ha! Got it. *enters the bar and orders a blue and red mix vodka slushie (I don't even know if this is a thing in the real world but it soooo should be)*
Cat: *is not brave enough to order the same, gets a vodka and diet coke, the wimp*
Me: *gulps down three large slurps on my straw, immediately gets brain freeze, isn't sure if that's preferable really*
Cat: *leaving me to it to scroll on her phone*
Me: *brain slightly defrosted* So, who's the bitch?
Cat: Madeline Carmichael-Parks (dream me makes up the best names apparently) went to college with Penny and John.
Me: *huffs at her stupid name* I don't trust people with two names.
Me: *scowls* she's on the list of people I'm keeping my eye on (I have no idea what I'm talking about here)
Cat: I won't tell her you said tha- oh…
Me: *instantly suspicious* Oh, what?
Cat: Nothing *tries to hide her phone*
Me: Spill it!
Cat: *sighs and turns her phone to show Instagram and the bleached with boobs trollop snuggled faaarrrr too closely to my never-going-to-be-darling-again husband. The caption reads "My gorgeous date and I are enjoying ourselves at the vloggies" Urge to kill, rising*
Cat: I'm sure it's nothing, you know it's noth-
Ted flap further down the bar opens, a familiar redhead ducks in, I immediately grab my drink and leave. Not in the mood for this shit apparently. I stomp my way down the street, weaving between festival goers. I have no idea if I left Cat behind, if she's following, if she got caught by said redhead, it's every woman for herself right now.
Random Brunette: Hey, sweetie, you OK?
Random redhead friend : You don't look it.
Me: I'm fine. I just came back to find my husband being groped by another woman.
Girls gasp: He's cheating on you?!
Me: *snorts and slurps rapidly melting drink* Nah, he'd never do that, and my best friend would never allow it even if he wanted to, which he wouldn't.
Girls: *stunned silence, clearly confused*
Me: *sucks madly on the straw* She was all over him, I was polite, she wasn't. Girl code.
Girls: *both nod, totally understanding*
Me: He didn't stop her, so now I'm pissed at him.
Girls: *nod again*
Me: Then she shared a selfie and called him her date.
Girls: *gasps all round*
Me: It was leave to get a drink or murder, those were my choices.
Girls: *sees empty drink in my hand*
Me: I did not choose death this day. *finds drink empty, knows it's probably not safe to go back for another, pouts mildly for a second before deciding a slice of pizza might be better* Yeah, I'm off, later ladies.
Girls wave goodbye. I continue my stomping towards a pizza stall ( there seems to be a lot of food in this dream, maybe I was hungry).
Arms grab me from behind. I scream. Three dudes turn around to see if I'm OK.
John: *patiently* Stop screaming, Sel.
Me: No. *screams again just to be petulant*
Dude 1: Is this guy bothering you?
Me: Yes, he's my husband and he's an idiot who is trying to be cute and adorable when I'm angry at him.
John: *snigger quietly, which was a bad move.*
Dude 2: Want me to kick his ass?
Me: No, I can do that myself.
John : *clearly rolling his eyes behind my back* Whatever you're thinking happened you know it didn't.
Dude Three: *cracks knuckles*
Me: So I didn't see some blown up Barbie hanging all over you, being rude to me and claiming you as her own?
Dudes: *all wince and suck air through their teeth in sympathy, for who I don't know.*
John: I tried to tell her I was married but she never listens and-
Dude Three: Not helping yourself here, my man.
Dude Two: You don't admit to cheating, that's just stupid.
Me: *suddenly defensive of dumbass husband * Hey! Who said anything about cheating? He'd never do that, I was pissed off that a socialite with the IQ of a bean sprout judged me and dismissed me away from my own husband and this idiot did sod all about it.
John : I was about to, but you always tell me you can fight your own battles and I didn't want to undermine you. *hugs me tighter because he totally knows he's getting away with this. Unfortunately I know it too.*
Me: *smacks at his hand* Go away, I'm mad at you and I'm staying mad.
John : No you're not *kisses my neck*
Me: Yes I am. *promptly forces myself to wake up because I I'm that damned stubborn and I will have the last word *
I woke up to dumbass husband snuggled up to my back, snoring lightly in my ear, all innocent and unaware of just what his dream self was putting me through. How dare he!
So I got out of bed and stole his dressing gown, went to the kitchen and bitched to Virgil about my dream. He was very unsympathetic quite honestly and undeserving of the coffee I made him.
John woke up an hour later but I'm still not talking to him. He has no idea what he's done.
Virgil told him he pissed me off in my dream and John just looked at me with a very judging look in his eyes like I was totally mad.
I'm still waiting for an apology…
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