#honestly how I feel about school rn

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

#hi back for now bc it's fall break and I'm stuck on campus #trying not to complain about it but I've been having stomach issues for at least the past couple of weeks #it's been acting up since I got here but the past few weeks and specifically the past few days it's become a lot more intense #I made an appointment with the medical clinic here on campus and they're treating me with something for a possible stomach ulcer right now #I have a follow-up in a couple of weeks #I'm struggling to keep on top of all my thoughts and feelings and emotions right now too #which may be causing or compounding the stomach issues. honestly who knows. #all I know for sure rn is that I feel very tired and worn out despite it being fall break #and I wish I didn't feel this way #kinda sad and very tired #it's a perfect opportunity to catch up on school work that I've fallen behind on. and yet I feel completely unable to even think #about school. hhhhh. 🙃 #it's been such a hard year guys. and I don't want to complain or wallow but I wish I could just break down have a good cry #or a screaming fit if needed #just get it all out #and then maybe I'd be able to cope a little better #unfortunately I'm not sure that's how it works. so I guess I'm stuck feeling like this for now.

[vegaseatsass]

I was describing DFF to a friend from CQL fandom and she said New with Non sounded kind of like Huaisang with Mingjue, and it def clarified a lot for me about how I feel about both avenging brothers.

The ends don't justify the means, the cats and children and working class servants murdered along the way aren't erasable casualties in the name of a true justice, and these avengers are fundamentally unhinged, twisted, broken people, not righteous seekers of fairness in the world. But I love that both of them are driven by real desperation and are frantic and messy in how much they need to make their revenge happen at any cost; someone trying to burn the world down in their grief, and actually taking the good parts of the world and themselves down along with their target(s), adds so much texture and dimension to the narrative for me.

I love a justice story and an ethical revenge, but for example w/ The Glory, even though that's for me the best it's ever been done, we still have things like a woman being victim-blamed for her rape and drug addiction as narratively acceptable modes of vengeance. I find something freeing in a story that isn't about punishment and who deserves what, but just about the emotional depths people are driven to by loss and rage and the unfairness of a world with no accountability.

#i hope that makes sense i should not be on the computer rn #like it's not just that it's a tragedy and no one wins or something #i'm deeply sympathetic to huaisang and new - honestly they rip my HEART out #but it doesn't mean i think they're making all or even mostly righteous choices #it's similar to how i feel about ter from 3 will be free when he goes around murdering all my favorite side characters #sometimes the wrongness and cruelty of who they hurt for their revenge makes it more honest for me #than if they actually managed to stay within lines of presumable fairness #and also like i said i love the desperation and franticness #huaisang was not murdering cats because he decided the cats had it coming #he was trying to stay one step ahead of a brilliant+ruthless master strategist and making absolutely bugfuck choices in the name of that #i wonder how new was supporting himself and his DRUG LABORATORY after he stopped getting that allowance #did he at some point leave school like tee did and just work during the day and do revenge chemistry at night #i'll never stop thinking about how alone he was this entire time too #men will literally spend years refining a murder hallucinogen instead of go to therapy #dead friend forever #dff #new prathipsit #mdzs #nie huaisang #dear diary

[bluesidedown]

.

#this just in: moving to another continent to live and work with complete strangers for six months #incredibly distant from every important person in your life and your supportive community #is in fact. incredibly difficult. #like idk it's hard to describe because it's also been amazingly cool and i'm so thankful i get to do this #and like i can see God's hand in so many things that have happened and are happening #and He's providing what i need in such amazing ways #but also i'm exhausted and really really homesick #and i miss my people #and i miss going to chapel at school #and honestly just attending church in a language i understand #and rn i'm dealing with a crisis at least every day about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life #and long distance dating is really hard and need i reiterate i am exhausted and when i get tired and sad i self isolate. which is unhelpful #and generally i'm in that weird state of being where i genuinely have no clue how to persevere and i feel deeply deeply out of my depth #and also God is just. so present. #tbh i'm terrified that the rest of my life is just going to be Like This #and i'm also terrified that the rest of my life is not going to be Like This #because the last 5ish years have been Like This to varying degrees and i've learned and grown so much and i've come to know God so much mor #but i'm so tired. #and i'm tired of getting up every day and dealing with things that are scary. #but i'm scared of a life where i don't because i'm most scared of stagnating #anyway wow congrats if you made it this far into my venting #on the bright side yesterday i experienced one of the weirder (in a good way) social situations i've ever been in #walked into my language learning partner's mother-in-law's house (who i'd never met before) at 10pm and was instantly given two plates #of beautiful homemade (culturally appropriate dumplings) and a cup of tea #and proceeded to stay for 40min listening to a conversation where i understood about 3 words out of every 50 #couldn't have experiences like that if i stayed in my comfort zone could i

[louismygf]

girls when they just finished watching aotv

#ok this is my review #i didnt 'just finished watching' but u get it wtv #louis tomlinson #all of those voices #ok unless u wanna b spoiled u need to get off these tags rn! #i honestly thought there'd be more of the songwriting producing planning and bts footage of him working on his music #like i thought that'd be the main focus #more..... artistry and musicianship things yk? this thought made me want a behind the album doc so bad djfjf #but i do get it bc he set touring up as his ultimate goal as a solo artist. he said early on how it's his fave part in onedee #now im not saying touring ≠ artistry bc duh going on tour is fundamental for artists and for some like louis- it's what they love most #anyw thats just me. a behind the album doc could easily fix this. kinda my fault for expecting a whole different narrative hahshdj #OKAY BUT ANYWAY the first half was jam-packed with lots of feelings. heart rending gut wenching soul crushing stuff #it was so emotional i was with my sister and i didnt wanna cry beside her but i just couldnt help it 😭 #him and his family talking in depth about their loss felt gutteral. strong family... about his mom and about felicite #hm yeah </3 mmkay thats a wrap we dont need me sobbing again thinking about this family #so about the touring!! we see him struggling to find his feet to perform confidently through the years #yk... last 1d performance in xfuk. jho for xfuk. ultra fest too i think? ...ccme. telehit. scala... 2 walls tour (2020) shows in spain #aotv spoilers #its actually insane how massive his insecurities became during and post 1d 😭 #bro was acting small roles as a child. was 'popular' in school. lead singer in a cover band. main lead in grease & auditioned for xfactor #and post 1d??? man didnt know what to do with himself. it's sooo!!!!!!!! #it's evil actually leave that man's poor confidence alone! 😭 #the doc ended beautifully :> showing scenes of his show in milan. 30k+ people. ONLY there for louis! #by this point hes built up enough confidence to perform btm live for the first time!!!!! hard song to sing and he smashed it 🥹 #the title truly encapsulates everything huh. voices in his head. voices of industry ppl whispering in his ear. voices of criticism. and #voices of fans cheering and singing his songs #cathartic ending 🫶🏼 loved aotv!!! when btm played girl you Know i was gone 😭 #loved that he included the fitf uk no.1 too!!! it's a pretty little bow to this wonderful gift #i would Love to add more but i reached 30 tags LMAOOO yk what maybe i'll rb this with more tags😭💀 #louis u deserve the world the moon the stars entire planets and all the galaxies 🫂 mwuah

[beast-feast]

I will hold onto you until we're both bleeding from our nails digging into one another. I am too afraid to lose you. I am too afraid to be seen, to be misunderstood. Don't you feel the same way? Aren't you afraid too?

I will bear my teeth towards anyone that threatens our integrity. I will be my worst self.

#eghhghhh feeling weird rn but it's a borderline thing i guess #i hate talking about it if i can be so fucking real. not because its the Bad Evil Disorder but because it #gives an explanation for my thought patterns ans behaviors. i dont want an explanation i just want people to think I'm an asshole #and its easier for people to think I'm just some clingy obsessed freakazoid like how it was in middle school #than have to explain my 19 years of trauma and abuse and what went wrong to make me traumatize and abuse others #but oh well. becoming so protective over projecting my mental illness onto fictional characters to the point of hostility at the mere IDEA #of something happening. whatever it may be. it is then. that's what I'm stuck with #vent art #i guess ??? #I'm just mostly word vomiting honestly and getting thoughts out. and now I'm going to bed i rearranged my room and now I'm TIRED

[dreamlogic]

...

#shit chat #disordered eating cw #how to. politely ask my housemate to stop fucking telling me about her diet progress #she's trying to lose weight cause she's a musician & her band is traveling to this big thing at the end of the month #by doing really strict by-weight portion control and it does NOT seem healthy #she's trying to get back to her 'italy weight' and like. girl. u went to italy in high school 10 years ago & biked everywhere for a month #if you are at that same weight a decade later without exercise by simply making yourself eat less food there is a problem! #that is not aspirational that's horrifying!!! no u don't look hot in your gig outfit from 2013 you look disproportionately skinny! #so i gotta sit her down at some point and be like listen. ur an adult ur gonna do what you do #& i know ur industry puts insane pressure on women to look a certain way on stage. #but as someone with a history of disordered eating i will not cheer you on and support your 'progress' #and quite honestly it makes me uncomfortable to even talk about it and see your stupid little diet scale on the kitchen counter every day!! #i strongly associate weight loss with poor health for a number of reasons #and firmly believe that weight gain is cool and sexy and that everyone should be less afraid of being actually!!! #it was a struggle w/ dysmorphia for a while but putting on some chub is one of the best things i've been able to do for my body as an adult #i love my squishy tummy and hearing you obsess about having a perfectly flat (ie concave) abdomen daily is deeply saddening!!! #bleh. it's hard. i feel like i should gently intervene but also i do not want to get involved bc it's more than i can handle rn #*less afraid of being fat actually

[cheekblush]

it's been A WEEK

#hello everyone yes i'm still alive but at what cost? 😭 #i am absolutely EXHAUSTED #survived 2 practical & one written exam this week but one of the practical exams went horribly 😭 #it was microscopy & i just suck at that i never see what you're supposed to be seeing 😭😭😭 #and you can't study for it either bc either you recognize what you see under the microscope or you don't & unfortunately i don't 😭😭😭 #we're even allowed to use books & our own sketches but i still got it wrong 🙃 #i was so busy this week i didn't even have time to reblog cute posts about march... school is getting in the way of me being a tumblrina 🙄 #and rn i'm supposed to be studying as well bc i have one of the most difficult exams in a few days but i have an excruciating migraine 🤕 #yesterday i didn't study either bc it was my dad's birthday & we celebrated a little with our family & now i feel guilty for it 😞 #i honestly have no idea when & how i'm supposed learn & remember ALL of this material bc it's simply an insane amount #please pray for me that i'll pass this exam idec about the grade anymore i just want to pass that's how desperate i am 😭😭😭😭 #let's hope the ibuprofen i took kicks in soon so i can get at least a little studying done today 😕 #i wish i could just hibernate through the next few weeks i am drained 😣 #☁️

[alliluyevas]

i am not doing great like. emotionally. rn

#feeling burnt out and depressed and angry all at once. i need to quit this job lmfao #and honestly like there were bad things about my prior school but i did not feel as consistently miserable and ANGRY there #and honestly i feel like working with middle schoolers is just so punishing rn like they're just SO consistently mean and rude to everybody #my high schoolers were NOT like that #and then it's like. i cannot really sum up positive feelings towards some of my students when they act like this all the time and i don't re #really like how that makes me feel as a person

[non-un-topo]

I can’t do it y’all I cannot be subjected to uncomfortable conversations with my MIL every single day

#she's honestly great i just would personally love some distance. #for context!!!!!!! i live with my in-laws. we all live in a house together like a sitcom yup. toronto housing is a fucking nightmare #and my partner and i are both in school. #anyway because of this (and because she just is the way she is) my mil still doesn't seem to think of my partner and me as adults... #but that's not what i'm annoyed about. i can't even explain it i'm just sick to death. #i want to listen to older women and respect them but if i hear ONE more 'i'm so fat. you eat so healthy ha ha' or 'back in the day' #i'm gonna lose iiiiiiit. #sometimes it's literally just the age difference. having absolutely nothing in common. so every single convo is me explaining something. #something that was said privately btwn me and my partner mind you. #this is why i can't have children. i physically cannot be interrupted every 3 seconds and explain everything i say. #can't believe i've lived with them for..... wow five years. #6 in february. fuck me. #so i think i have every right to complain tbh ;_; fuck everything honestly i just want to be able to be independent. #every conversation has to be about how she's aging or she wants to retire or she's fat or something that happened in the 70s. #how am i supposed to respond to any of that? i just want quiet. i just want to be alone in the house so i can get my work done. #feeling like a fucking failure rn.

[seilon]

oh since it’s past midnight uhh. happy one year on t to me i guess

#weirdly I don’t feel very much emotion over it #but it sure is something #very weird #honestly my number one thought about it rn is just that all the fear mongering my mom did like my whole life but especially right before / #right after going on t was proven to be. well. fear mongering. and all her dumb transphobic claims were proven false pretty much so #that’s. something #like things about how my personality will drastically change and I won’t be the same person anymore or that I’ll be like. #a fucking full grown middle aged man or something and not like. you know. an almost 22 year old dude #and other stuff about ya know the classics. anger and libido and whatever #to be fair the libido part is one of the more true things but by no means is it in the predatory way she’d put it #she basically said at one point that I wouldn’t look at anyone– particularly women– in a non-sexual light ever again #and that I’ll just inherently be thinking about them in a violating sort of way #which is. uh. interesting to say #like wow that rhetoric seems to fit right in with the conservatives you claim to hate so much and their views on trans people but go off #anyway and then the anger thing has just been a total nonissue #I’ve been overall less angry than before generally though admittedly I don’t live with my mom anymore so that helps. but I do live with an #infuriating roommate and haven’t ever legit lashed out at her or anything honestly my patience here has been like. like I deserve an award #overall I’ve just felt more dead inside but that has nothing to do with t really and more to do with losing all my friends and everything i #know and not liking my school and being overworked and having zero friends or doing anything outside school or so on and so on and so on #yeah my life is sort of. miserable but yeah like I said that’s unrelated #what ISNT unrelated is I DEFINITELY haven’t had the style of breakdowns I used to have– ie; I just don’t fucking cry anymore #like basically ever #that’s definitely something to do with t and idk it’s not.. #a good thing or a bad thing. like it has its pros and cons #anyway it’s been. a year #a very weird and very depressing year but t has at least made it so I don’t hate myself when I look in the mirror so that definitely helps #like dysphoria has been nearly a non-issue for quite some time and that’s fucking fantastic that’s a fucking Improvement #i gotta stop talking afgdhfjf I don’t know what I’m saying anymore just. yeah maybe I’ll say more about this later who knows #kibumblabs

[thresholdbb]

La música saca su canción de no sé dónde. La melodía empieza y no parece terminar. Se va engrandeciendo lentamente, fortaleciéndose y llenando de amargor la espalda de mi lengua. Trato de ignorarla, pero la musica ya se instaló, poderosa y evoluciona frenética, rugiendo cada vez más fuerte, transformándose en un espiral fuera de control. La música se apodera, obligando y manipulando. Mi respiración se anula y la cara ya no me responde. El corazón pulsa tan fuerte que se salta los bits. Latiendo potentemente, va mutando en violenta armonía. Me ha vencido, la música me ha paralizado. No puedo sentir nada más que un hormigueo en mis dedos y el estómago entumecido. Y aunque la música sigue precipitándose, el mundo se ralentiza, como en cámara lenta. La canción me expulsó de mí misma, ya no podía quedarme allí. Me despegué de la realidad, la música ahora es mi dueña. Se que debo tomar el control y terminar con esta pesadilla, pero no puedo. ¿por qué mierda no para? ¡por favor, necesito que pare! La tensión no quiere disiparse. Yo no mando sobre la amenazante melodía que me robó la realidad y ahora tiene propia vida, mi vida, aquella que no puedo recuperar, a menos que me rinda y la deje tocar sobre mí. Sólo escuchar y esperar el final.

#we cringe posting tonight? #this is my award winning published Star Trek writing lololol #idk is this fic? #lolol so cringe but oh how i still feel it #the other piece was a poem about hypocritical love experts #honestly the poem was probably better #it was grad school alright things got weird #i had to dig through a ridiculous stockpile of blueprints to find this might as well post it #trying to learn how to not care about the things i make and do #make bad art or whatever #i could translate it if there's interest but feeling lazy rn #star trek the next generation #guess the episode get a prize

[clitology]

i think i might be an awful person (cw // rant in tags)

#lately ive been thinking a lot about myself & who i am as a person & how i treat other people #idk if it's intrusive thoughts but i am afraid i will cheat on someone. really hurt someone #i had reached the conclusion that im 'not fit to date yet' many months earlier & honestly i just accepted it #but i went out w old friends today & the relationship questions kept coming up so much #i just. didn't know how to explain myself #not that i have to. not to my old school friends in any case #but just to myself. i don't even think it's that i think im unloveable #in fact im all the more scared of someone falling in love w me & me not being able to love them back & hurting them #& it's just. so much more random stuff. like i feel like i don't love my parents or family enough #that i would probably not even feel bad if a loved one were to fall ill #idk idk im sick thinking of it #but even just the fact that i can't convince myself otherwise either. like i can't defend myself against myself? #only thing that i have evidence for is that i did really love my last partner so yes i am capable of love #& not completely cold inside #but then i think of all my friendships. & i have never kept up w any of them. i am one of those people who just let go of their friends #as soon as whatever situation we were in (school work or college) is over. our friendship is over from my side #& it's not even something that struck me as bad until i fell into this self-incriminating rabbit hole #on some level i do think i only really really care about myself #i just don't know how awful i can be for other people #because rn im in a state where im convinced im awful enough in romantic relationships that i should just not put anyone through dating me #the conclusion is that i am probably an awful person who is going to probably end up alone in life #but that will probably be for the better of all people #on one level i can make peace w that #but on another i see no point in living if im living solely for myself & not for the love & joy of humanity #personal <3

[nishibai]

is it strange to say that while i am still interested there's just a "little" bias going on that soured the whole thing tbh

not strange at all. been thinking about midoribai a lot n im pretty sure i knwo what ur talking about

#nishi answers <3 #honestly been thinking about.. someone.. and their dynamics with midori and how i feel this has affected how i play him/the story #< not particulatly /neg though #m gonna rb this later with more thoughts but i gtg to school rn

[realboutfatalfury]

art really hasn't been well for me i just feel like everything i draw atm sucks even if it isn't really ugh

#like i can draw alright but idk something about how i am drawing rn is making me feel bad :( idk.. #i think it's bc of school honestly... yeaaah..

[norrizzandpia]

Lando’s Biggest Fangirl (LN4)

Summary: It’s his girlfriend. Lando’s biggest fangirl is his girlfriend.

Warnings: language, sexual references???domestic lando 🧡🧡

Note: a filler while im super busy with school IM SORRY I COULDNT GET TO THE OSCAR CAUGHT IMAGINE TN BUT IT WILL HAPPEN TMRW I PROMISE. PROMISE.

y/nnn ass.

Comments:

Ln4andop81 BYE WHAT IS THIS

mclaren slumped

landonorris BABE.

- mclarensgirly idk why but this comment is so cute to me i love bf lando

landonorris everything about this post is so concerning

- y/nnn wdym? I think its perf

- landonorris first of all when did you take that of me and second of all THE CAPTION???

- y/nnn first of all i took it when you were sleeping thats obvi and second of all i like your ass. whats wrong with that?

- landonorris honestly? Nothing

f1fan2 i didnt know i needed this until rn

oscarpiastri your and lando’s relationship scares me sm

- landonorris TF??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO YOU.

- y/nnn PASTRY???? I was starting to like you too.

- oscarpiastri y/n i dont think thats the way you talk to someone who has that pic of your bf sweating after getting out of his race car.

- y/nnn oscar. this is not a playful matter. hand. them. over.

- mclarensgirly YO OSCAR LEAK THOSE IM BEGGING YOU

- landonorris WHY ARE PEOPLE TAKING PICS OF ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

—

y/nnn finally got that pic from oscar. safe to say my boyfriend’s teammate is in love with him.

Comments:

mclarensgirly THANK YOU FOR DROPPING THIS 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

ln4andop81 YOU ARE A GOD SEND.

landonorris yeah but im in love with you ❤️

- oscarpiastri WDYM “yeah” IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU????

- y/nnn idk man this pic says something else

- mclarensgirly LANDOSCAR IRL???? AWWWW

- f1fan2 OMG THE SHIP IS SHIPPING 🤭🤭

- oscarpiastri NO.

—

y/nnn FROTHING AT THE MOUTH. CHEWING ON THE WALLS. JUMPING UP AND DOWN. GIGGLING. SMACKING MY FIST AGAINST MY HEAD.

Comments:

landonorris WOW.

landonorris youve out done yourself with this caption

landonorris very vivid image of you absolutely going bonkers

- y/nnn thats the POINT hottie 😉😉

- mclarensgirly y/n calling him hottie lol shes just like us

oscarpiastri i want to block you

danielricciardo sometimes i wonder if ive followed the wrong account and this is just a 16 year old girl’s fan page

- y/nnn 16 year old me wouldve been feeling the same type of way as me now is.

- danielricciardo plz never say that again

- landonorris im so concerned

—

y/nnn awww look at my baby he’s so cute and babygirl 🤭🤭

Comments:

mclarensgirly the versatility of this woman never fails to amaze me

landonorris the eyes never lie, chica

- y/nnn AWWWW CAUSE YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME IN THIS OMFG AWWWWWWWWWWW

- landonorris i can hear your giggling

- y/nnn im not surprised

mclaren our favorite couple (we are so glad we didn’t come across another violent post on your page) 🧡🧡🧡

- y/nnn dw we will be getting back to regular programming shortly <3

- mclaren take the phone away. landonorris

- landonorris im literally on the other side of the world idk how i can do that

—

y/nnn BARK BARK 👹👹👹 GAHDAMN

Comments:

mclaren here we go again…

- y/nnn WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??? SAY NOTHING??????

- mclaren YES.

- y/nnn WELL THATS NOT AN OPTION.

landonorris well the barking is new!

- y/nnn you say it like youre scared

- landonorris thats cause i am.

oscarpiastri bro

danielricciardo ngl he looks good here

- y/nnn THANK. YOU.

- landonorris thanks dan

- y/nnn SO YOU THANK HIM AND NOT ME????

- landonorris YOU BARKED AT ME.

- y/nnn ITS THE PROPER RESPONSE.

- landonorris NO BABY IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT.

- f1fan2 their relationship is my roman empire

—

landonorris giving it a try: GAHDAMNNN BABY 🥵

Comments:

mclarensgirly WOWIEEEE SHE DOESNT GET ENOUGH RECOGNITION

F1fan2 she makes me question my sexuality.

Liked by landonorris

ln4andop81 mother of god almighty my jaw is on the floor

mclarensgirly thank you lando for blessing my eyes with this

ln4andop81 SHES SUCH A GREEK GODDESS

y/nnn see i dont like it when you do it 😟

- landonorris are you actually kidding me.

- y/nnn why cant you just leave me to my delusions in peace???

- landonorris bc they arent delusions im literally your boyfriend

- y/nnn YUM SAY IT AGAIN 😩😩😩

- landonorris omfg

#f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 x reader #mclaren #lando norris x reader #lando norris imagine #lando norris fanfic #lando norris fluff #lando norris imagines #lando norris edit #lando norris smut #lando norris fanfiction #lando norris #lando norris x you

[bringingsaxyback]

tw bad feelings tw i hate my job tw i want to fucking die

#malheur y #i am… feeling bad #this is possibly the most suicidal i have ever felt #most of my life is honestly GREAT and I’m happy about it but I can’t stop thinking about crashing my fucking car #tw sui ideation #tw everything #for the first time i’m happy about how my life is going but this fucking job makes me so sad #its just the job that’s ruining my mental health. otherwise things are so good #SO it makes me really fucking sad that i can’t enjoy my life rn #71 more school days! then i’m getting the fuck out of there #so that i don’t quit the teaching profession or kill myself #this shit sucks #not fair to me not fair to danica #haven’t i been through enough??? gimme a break pls