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ghoultramp · 3 years

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dream, interrupted [bakugou x reader]

▷ bnha

↳ pairing: katsuki bakugou x f!reader

↳ content: masturbation, somnophilia, thigh fucking, praise, cockwarming

↳ words: 2k

⇢ summary: katsuki is frustrated that he can’t sleep, and also just a bit horny.

also available on ao3

⇢ note: i would say this is tamer, softer even, than my last few pieces, considering the content. there are a few mentions of alcohol being consumed the previous evening (which has been tagged), but this was written with two consenting adults in a secure relationship in mind.

i do hope you enjoy this bakugou fic that almost caused me to have an existential crisis - aha~

The dull drone of the traffic beyond the apartment windows were beginning to grind away at his sanity. How long had he been awake for this time? With a grunt, he rolled over to check his phone, once again, for the time.

“Fucking damn it,” Katsuki cursed under his breath.

His angular features twisted as he scowled, how had it only been 10 minutes? It didn't seem possible.

He returned the phone to its resting place, under his pillow, before begrudgingly turning onto his back. He brought his hands to his face and dragged thick fingers through his disheveled blond hair. He let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his palms hard against his eyes, pulling them down his cheeks to rest idly on his chest.

Katsuki’s ruby eyes wandered over to the lump next to him, watching the cover rise and fall softly with your breathing. The recent longer, more arduous workdays were uncharacteristically weighing him down; the lack of sleep was making him grumpier, easier to anger - both of which becoming a boiling pot - and the sheer workload was now more than a little overwhelming.

His eyelids felt heavy recalling memories of the previous evening; Katsuki had come home in a revolting mood, worse than usual, and instead of using his words like a big boy, he took out his frustrations on you and your body after unwinding with a few drinks. But then again...

You never complained.

It was no secret that you loved how he could become so unrestrained during those 'bad day at work' sessions, passionate and explosive.

Trying to simulate your light touch, he traced the outlines of his well-defined abdominal muscles. He shuddered when his fingers brushed along the sensitive skin of his tight obliques, visualizing your delicate fingers repeating these same motions from last night. He let his eyelids finally fall as he recalled you positioned over him, your drunk needy eyes taking in his statuesque body as he scratched at your back hungrily.

Settling himself in further, Katsuki shifted his hips and shoulders. He reached an eager hand down to his hardening cock, cautiously fondling it as his eyes peered over to assess your level of consciousness.

"Hnnn--" Katsuki failed to hold back his groan, his abdominal muscles twisting and tightening as you let out a gratifying sound in your sleep.

His cock convulsed and the feedback spurred him to grip tighter. He could feel it throbbing beneath his grip, he stroked his cock harder upon hearing the gift of another delicious noise from you.

“You sure seem like you’re having a nice dream,” Katsuki murmured, opening one eye as he turned his head to look at the back of yours.

He bit his lip, imagining that he was reaching his free hand out to stroke your hair, gently at first, before he would then spread his fingers to take a hold of you tightly. A low growl escaped his throat, he was frustrated.

Katsuki grunted as he turned onto his side, shifting closer to you. He was careful to position his dick-holding hand so as not to hamper its performance. He halted immediately when you shuffled ever so slightly, a strangled moan caught in his throat as the leaking head of his tender, hard cock made contact with the bare skin of your ass.

His breathing was now shallow and irregular as he extended his unoccupied hand, he could feel himself quiver as he brought it to rest cautiously high on your thigh. He let his thumb press gently against your hip.

The sweet song of a soft whimpering encouraged him.

“Such a cute thing,” he whispered as he traced faint circles against your ass with his precum tipped cock. “Those good dreams better be about me, princess.”

His grip around his cock tightened when you groaned, shifting your leg in your sleep. Katsuki inhaled sharply, biting his lip hard. It took tremendous effort to quell the moans he so desperately wanted to release, as he felt the warmth of your pussy envelop him.

Katsuki felt the aching pull in his hips as he rubbed himself unashamedly against your rear. He continued caressing your hip while he fought hard against the urge to dig his in his nails and mercilessly fuck you right there and then.

“Fuuuck,” he hissed, caught in the thought as he leaned his head back.

Breathlessly, he finally brought himself to meet your enticing entrance. It took all his strength not to cum right there when he brushed against you, your tight cunt already dripping wet. He followed your slick juices to your thighs.

“God, you’re fucking soaked,” he breathed, rubbing the head of his cock against your inner thighs.

He imagined that your thighs - the way they were tightly shut, the way your juices had trickled down - were a completely different part of your anatomy. Katsuki almost yowled, caught deep in his reverie, when you quivered in response to his touch. He’d not expected that another one of your movements would cause him to penetrate the tight gap between your thighs.

Straining his neck, he observed with bated breath as you shifted yet again, this time it was your arms. He exhaled, relieved when he saw they had only moved closer to your head. He found the way you nuzzled your lightly blushed cheeks into the pillow quite precious.

Katsuki’s breath shuddered as he let go of his cock, his need was agonizing. He had to do something. He was allowed to, surely?

He found himself slowly rolling against you as he fucked the space between your legs. As he moved his hand from your hip to your thigh, he felt the overwhelming need to knead his fingers against you; the succulently soft, long moan escaping your lips caused his eyes to roll back, his eyelids flutter, and his hips quiver.

Katsuki shook his head, trying to collect himself. There was no way he could allow himself to cum yet, not before he'd claimed your sweet, ripe cunt in your unconscious state.

"Focus," he scolded himself with a grumble.

Now taking the base of his tender, pulsating cock between his thumb and forefingers, Katsuki maneuvered himself until he was poised within reach of your sweet hole. He was feeling more inebriated from your warmth and scent alone than from any of the drinks you’d both shared last night.

He gently pressed on, feeling your cunt quiver; with the mess that had already been made between the pair of you, it didn’t take much for the head of Katsuki’s cock to intrude your tight walls. He let out a low groan when he heard the sopping wet sound your pussy made upon contact.

Katsuki gently rocked on his hips, he couldn’t refrain from panting as the friction against sensitive nerves vibrated throughout his body. How much longer would he be able to edge himself like this?

He didn’t care to halt when you made a sound this time, he was far too lost in these short, shallow, pleasurable thrusts. That was until he heard a whimper, louder than any of the sounds you'd made before; he stopped with his full head nestled in your cunt, wincing sharply when you tightened around it, the warning before hearing your dozy, broken voice.

“Kacchan?” The word strained against your dry throat, your eyelids too heavy to open.

“Shh, shh,” Katsuki reassured you, his voice cracking.

You weren't even vaguely aware that his hand had been on your thigh until he moved it, your body was still comfortably numb from the alcohol in your system. You felt your abdomen flutter as he delicately trailed his fingers over your silhouette, resting when he lay it on your head.

“Go back to sleep, sweetheart,” he purred.

You mumbled incoherently, discombobulated as you tried to make sense of what was going on; you found yourself drifting away softly with the way he stroked your hair, the warmth of his body so close to yours. You thought you heard his voice waver as he hummed.

Katsuki was shaking now, your lack of awareness was even more tantalizing, you were so innocent. He growled low in his throat, taking your hair in his fist just as he’d imagined. He felt you spasm as well as heard the shuddering moan that broke free beyond your lips.

“I’ll be gentle,” he whispered, his voice gruff and heady with arousal, “I promise.”

Katsuki kept his word; he gently lifted his pelvis, you both moaned in blissful unison as he took his time plugging you up completely. You felt his teeth make contact with your shoulder, trying his best to only gently nibble as your walls clamped down him around him.

“S-stop doing that,” he breathed against your shoulder.

You tried so hard to stifle your chuckle, he only growled when your insides mirrored pulses that corresponded to your laugh. Katsuki tugged on your hair playfully, he was pleased with the way you whimpered and backed up into him in response.

You relaxed your back into his strong chest, groaning as you moved just enough for him to reach under and around you. His hand gently fondled at your breast and he released his grip on your hair as you rolled your neck, resting your head against him, gasping.

Both of your hips swayed in unison, even just these gentle movements were sending delicious quakes throughout your entire body. Katsuki’s unoccupied hand reached around your thigh, you could feel him tremble as he placed his palm on your abdomen.

“I’ll never get enough of feeling this,” he whispered, you shuddered from his warm breath, lips caressing your earlobe. “Feeling me inside you right--” he pushed down with a palm ever so gently, the back of your head pushed further into him as you moaned without restraint, “--here.”

“Please, make me cum, Kaachan, fill me up,” you begged, whining as you ground against him, “please, Kaachan.”

“Well,” he began, his breathing heavy as turned his palm 90 degrees to point downward, “since you asked so nicely…”

Katsuki’s hand travelled down and you almost yelped when he took your engorged clit between his forefingers. He gently rolled your agonizingly sensitive nub between the first and second knuckles of his fingers, massaging gently as his thrusts picked up pace; just that bit harder and deeper.

Pitiful whines escaped your lips as he hit each one of your nerves, expertly navigating your body as you moved your hips in unison. Your chest heaved with your erratic breathing, lost in the waves of pleasure that seemed to vibrate to the very tip of your limbs.

Strangled cries escaped your slightly parted, dry lips, your body convulsing as Katsuki pulled out to the tip before one last thrust, bottoming out inside of you.

“There’s a good girl,” he declared as you writhed beneath him.

You felt him nuzzle the side of your face while you grabbed tightly at the sheet and pillow beneath you. Your cries were shaky and broken between luscious moans as you felt the gushing release of your climax, Katsuki’s fingers still gently massaged at your overstimulated clit.

He let out a long groan as his hips spasmed and you felt him collide with your cervix, Katsuki’s arm shot up to wrap around you as you let out a sob, overwhelmed by the sheer pressure of his cum filling you up. He held you while you both quivered with the rippling aftershocks of your orgasms.

Katsuki pulled you closer to him, his cock still nestled in your cunt, plugging you up nicely. He wriggled and made an oddly happy-sounding noise.

“I love you, y’know that, right?” Katsuki’s voice was hoarse and exhausted. He nuzzled you and you gave a sweet, equally tired sounding giggle; his cocked tensed just a little at that.

“I love you too, dumbass,” you told him, smiling softly.

You reached for the edge of the quilt and tugged it closely to your face before drifting off to the sound of Katsuki’s breathing and the dull drone of the traffic beyond the apartment windows.

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curiosity-killed · 3 years

Note

hello! what are your top five (or more) hualian fics? I can't just keep rereading your fics so I desperately need some recs! c:

adsjhlk anonnn ;A; ah okay so some of my faves pulled from my top tier of bookmarks (which is wildly subjective and depends upon the day and mood but oh well. here we are):

(under cut bc this got real long)

you'll know, you'll fall by mme_anxious

Rating: E

Summary:

“We talked about it,” Xie Lian says, hearing the frustration in his voice. “I want to go to the next step.” “It's okay if you don't—” Hua Cheng started. “I do! God, I want it so much. I don't want you thinking that I don't. I—I think about it all the time, San Lang.” Hua Cheng looks pleased, the tops of his cheekbones flushing to match his red shirt, and his thumb strokes the back of Xie Lian's hand. “What do you think about, gege?” -- Xie Lian seeks a lesson in desire. And another. And another.

My notes (apologies for this one it’s drawn straight from my bookmark notes lmao):

INTIMACY IS WORTH THE VULNERABILITY! TRUST IS REAL! LOVE EXISTS! HOLY SHIT!!!

i might be tearing up a little bit bc of the abundance of love and care apparent both between hualian and in the writing of this fic. it's. A Lot.

Animal and Real by etymologyplayground (but also all of EP’s hualian fics because they’re the fics I most reread ^^’)

Rating: T

Summary:

Ling Wen and Shi Qing Xuan establish the communication array, and then Ling Wen leaps into the well and disappears. Shi Qing Xuan walks over and sits in front of Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. "So," she says. "Dianxia. Crimson Rain Seeks Flower. Fancy meeting you here."

Book 1 ended on a cliffhanger. I fell off.

Alternate summary: "Xie Lian's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" Slowly Animorphs Into "Xie Lian And Hua Cheng Have A Nice Day, Actually"

My notes:

I like...don’t...actually....have words for this LMAO but basically I love, love, love Xie Lian getting to be hurt and hurting and Hua Cheng finding different ways to comfort and help him and actually talking about things (like Xie Lian accidentally hurting Hua Cheng’s feelings and them actually TALKING ABOUT IT) and just hnnnn yeah. this is like my go-to fic haha but I heartily rec all of etymologyplayground’s fics for tgcf (also many mdzs/cql fics but i am apparently behind in reading those orz)

le renard apprivoisé by hilarions

Rating: G

Summary:

If you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others, and hearing it will call me like music out of my burrow. You will understand that the things that are yours are unique in all the world. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.

My notes:

Ah gosh. Hua Cheng equating himself with a starving, injured wild thing that doesn’t deserve care or compassion, Xie Lian telling him he loves him the fox anyway, the nature of dessert and love hnnn it’s a good time

Panopticon by @pengiesama

Rating: M

Summary:

Jun Wu has built a very splendid home for Xie Lian, with gifts and friends and wondrous sights just for him. He will be very happy there.

Xie Lian won't take this house arrest lying down.

(Inspired by the book/movie Coraline, by Neil Gaiman.)

My notes:

Just an absolutely delectable balance of suspense and mild horror and love and aaahhh sometimes I forget that parts of this aren’t canon bc this is basically accepted as my canon of Jun Wu. Also “I was taller than that” will never not be my favorite thing

Tame to Fortune's Blows + Something Foreknown by crowdedcafe

Rating: M and T, respectively

Summaries:

For eight hundred years, Ruoye is Xie Lian’s only companion. It tries its best to ease some of his hardships, to lessen the misery he feels. But Ruoye is only a length of silk, and sometimes its love simply isn’t enough in the face of Xie Lian’s suffering.

Or, Ruoye loves Xie Lian when others don’t know how.

(TFB)

E-ming is born with a hole in his heart and an emptiness in his soul. Through centuries of hearing stories about Hua Cheng's beloved, E-ming grows to love the man he was born missing.

(SF)

My notes:

Just really lovely character studies essentially of Xie Lian and Hua Cheng through the lens of their weapons. personally I think they’re best read together but they are each standalone, canon-compliant fics

ALSO:

Innocence Died Screaming, Honey Ask Me I Should Know by @eponinemylove

Rating: T

Summary:

Hua Cheng puts a finger to his temple thoughtfully. He asks, "Who wants to tell me what the deal is with all these damn petals?"

The communication array goes completely silent, a feat almost in itself. Hua Cheng muses silently that gods can, apparently, shut the fuck up—they just choose not to. How convenient.

It takes a moment before Ling Wen manages to speak up. "Your Highness," she says carefully, "what did you say just now?"

"These white petals? There's got to be a hundred of them. The man just—oh yeah, there was a man—exploded into them. What's up with that?"

There's a long stretch of silence where it feels like all of Heaven is holding its breath.

Finally, Ling Wen responds. Her voice is clipped as she asks, "What do you know about the Four Calamities? Specifically, White Flower Mourns Massacre?"

Alternatively: the one where Hua Cheng is a martial god, Xie Lian is a calamity, and nobody is at all what they seem.

My notes:

AAAAAAHHHHH. GOD. THIS FIC. it would be embarrassing to admit how many times I’ve reread it (also I don’t know. late night decisions are not meant to be recorded in the ledger of memory) but it’s so fucking good. The characterization, the threads pulled from canon along with the deviations and alterations and the suSPENSE i am McLosing It. pls god someone come yell abt this fic with me i love it sm

I have such low Fic Reading Energy but. this babe. i see an update email and start vibrating like a gd electron.

Some other authors I trust with my heart and soul: @xihe-jun, merthurlin, atomicmuffin, uhhh I’m definitely missing people orz

#in all honesty i'm p bad about reading fics #after my initial quote-unquote lit review of a fandom orz #after that i basically only read what pops up on my dash #or gets sent to me by people orz #but i do rlly love all of these #long post #hualian fic rec #fic rec #tgcf #Anonymice #asked & answered

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internalsealpanic · 3 years

Text

Of Midnight Smoothies and Murder Mysteries

Summary: Sneaking out for a movie turns out to be a bad idea.

A/n: So... this was supposed to com out on Halloween then I confessed about thirst then my priorities shifted. Well, since I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving this is just extended Halloween. It would be funny to do a Thanksgiving thing with the Batfam. Thanks to @littleredwing89 and @lucy-roo for proof reading this crack. Thanks for @ereawrites for the encouragement. And thanks to @littleredwing89 for the mood board. (I love you my dear enabler.) Also “[ ]” will indicate characters speaking in a different language. I sadly could not find grammar stuff for the language so you will have to bear with me. This is still part of the Merc! Reader series.

Warnings: Gore, a lot of blood, dumb bickering, Dick being a cute dork, and snake bleps.

Main Masterlist

Series Masterlist

"Aliens don't exist," You huff around your thoroughly chewed straw, swirling the radioactive green smoothie Dick insisted that you try. You debate on whether to take out the bag of confectioners sugar you bought and pour it in. Dick makes a noise, indiscernible with his own straw in his mouth. You cast a glance at him only to see his neon blue smoothie spurting out of his nose. Your snort quietly, the noise hidden by the rustling of grocery bags against your bouncing leg but based on the way he’s pouting at you, Dick clearly sees your lack of sympathy and takes offense. You shrug at him.

Brushing the liquid away with the sleeve of his denim jacket, Dick levels you his best batglare. You give him an impassive half-asleep response of ‘hnnn’ which just gave him flashbacks about talking to Bruce. You’re entirely too focused on the fact that the blue of the smoothie is still alarmingly stark even against the blue of the denim. “You’ve met Superman, right?”

You roll your eyes at his piss poor attempt at intimidating you and pinch your straw between your thumb and index finger, trying to break apart the clumps of ice preventing you from getting more smoothie. “-Met is a strong word-” You drawled causing him to sneer. “Just say he kicked your ass six ways to Sunday like a normal person.”

“I fought him.”

“You got your ass beat-” You glare at him sticking your green tongue out at him and in return he sticks his blue tongue out at you. It was true but he didn’t have to say it. This is always how your long-held arguments start.

“Besides, aren’t you and Slade metas?” He breaks in after a long moment, instantly cutting off the possibility of weeks of not talking to each other. You smile balefully at him. “Precisely.”

“What? How does you being a weirdo disprove aliens?”

You make an affronted sound through your nose but launch into your explanation in your professorial voice. “The guy’s gotta be some kind of meta and he probably just came up with the Krypton thing afterwards. It sounds cooler, yanno?”

Dick looks up to the smog covered Gotham sky, leaning back against the solid brick pillar behind him. “Well, why can’t he be an alien?” He says dreamily tracing unseen constellations with his right hand. You briefly remember him mentioning stargazing with his parents when he was younger. There is something warm in the memory even if it wasn’t yours. You look down at him, eyebrow ticking. “Ok genius, tell me why there would be aliens that look exactly like us?”

“Why not?” He says grinning at you. The sterile lighting of the grocery store light filtering through smudgy windows highlighting his features. The shadows highlighting the shape of his cheekbones and the dimples forming at the edges of his cheeks. When had Dick gone from cute to handsome? You shake your head, avoiding his smiling corscian blue eyes.

“Becaaauuuuuse, dipshit, that’s not how evolution works” You bite out.

“What about convergent evolution?” He offers casually and your tongue freezes. A light flickers in his eyes and his pretty mouth twitch up into a laugh when you fail to respond. “You forgot about that, didn’t you? HA”

“I regret this conversation.”

“HA”

“Superman fanboy” you accuse, jabbing a finger into his chest. Dick giggles either from your weak deflection or the fact he’s ticklish, either way, your stomach does somersaults.

“Just say you’re wrong.” He says grinning, the divots formed by his dimples becoming more apparent. You feel Yasiri’s tail flick across your collarbone, her body coiling up in response to your irritation. Your mouth curls too but the irritation doesn’t quite boil over as you expected it to, not when Dick smiles at you like that. There’s a strange twisting in your stomach. You aren’t sure what it is but you’re pretty sure that you don’t like it. You blow out a breath, sound caught between a tired laugh and a long-suffering sigh, and pick your grocery bags before getting up.

Not even 5 seconds after you resolve to abandon him, Dick’s already by your side, falling into step with you bumping his shoulder against yours in a placating gesture. Yasiri slithers from the skin on the base of your neck to hiss at him. Dick smiles at her unfazed despite the clear and present danger. He pets her without much fuss from your usually ferocious snake. You make an amused noise at her compliance.

The walk is spent in easy companionable silence. The kind you two settle into when Dick knows you need to settle down. You were a sore loser when it comes to arguments but so was he, so you tend to let the other work through it. You grimace at your lightly scuffed shoes. They weren’t expensive or flashy or even one of a kind but they were comfortable, reliable, and most importantly they were from Mr. Wintergreen- Uncle Wintergreen, he insisted. The fact that he’d taken the time at all made your stomach flip-

Your stomach dropped. Your throat and mouth felt dry. The scent of copper permeating the air as you stared at the red puddle beneath your white shoes, a severed finger poking at you.

"Y/n?"

You must have stopped abruptly. You turn to Dick mechanically and see his face crumple into worry. Before you can rush out words of dismissal, your ears tune in to the sounds of a haunting melody. Yasiri rattles around your neck once again leaving the safety of your collar bone. Your head swivels mechanically towards the old theatre. Dick looks at you curiously, concern flashing in his eyes when another scream erupts from the theater. You both stiffen, spines straightening. Eyes blown wide, your feet take you toward the theater.

Dick falls into step with you.”You’re not seriously going, are you? You’ve- Didn’t we just watch a horror movie?”

“You seem to be going the same way.” You point out, side-eyeing him sharply, the sour look on your face not betraying the anxiety cloying at your spine. In the corner of your eye, you can see Dick huffing and crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’m Robin.”

“And I kicked your ass just 2 days ago and served it on a silver platter while quoting the one and only Arnold Schwarzenegger,” You grin absolutely, unequivocally unapologetic.

“I was protecting civilians!” He protests, throwing up his hands theatrically.

“Iieerrelevant~”

Dick opens his mouth to contest your point but there really was convincing you on that. His face screws up and being the gracious loser that he is, he sticks his still neon blue tongue out at you. You, being the graceful winner that you were, stick your radioactively neon green tongue at him in answer.

You continue to bicker about the merits of his heroism on the battlefield 'til you reach the front of the theater. You tuck your grocery bags behind debris by the entrance making sure to keep them well hidden. Dick wants to point out that they’ll probably be gone by the time you two are done but Yasiri was staring at him like she was about to strike at him for real this time.

It- It wasn’t hard to get into the building. Dick held out his hand to you as you climbed over another set of debris. You take it. You thank him clumsily. He bows to you a gremlin smile spreading across his face. You sneer but give him a sharp smile in return.

It’s dark. The absence of light is thick. It makes the sounds of your heartbeats uncomfortably loud. You swallow. You trace your finger along your skin, the hilt of your knife falls easily into your hand. You trace your finger on your other arm and hand the knife to Dick who shakes his head. You shrug and let it melt back into your skin.

“You have a tracker on you, right?”

“No-” You eye him, cutting him a look of disbelief. “I-”

“Relax, I have one too.” You deadpan.

Dick sighs. “You’re dad’s paranoid too?”

“So is yours” You snip, hackles drawn.

“Bruce isn’t my dad.”

“Slade isn’t mine either.”

“Mentors?” Dick offers placatingly.

“Polite way of saying bossy prick, I guess.” You roll your eyes but concede.

“I mean I don’t know about Wintergreen but Alfred taught me some manners.” Dick shrugs, folding his arms behind his head somehow relaxed despite the thick scent of blood in the air or maybe this was how Dick was when he was nervous.

The truth was Wintergreen had attempted to teach you manners but he’d run into quite a few problems. The first being that you were a terrible student. Sure, you caught on quickly when you could but anything you didn’t gravitate towards didn’t hold your limited attention long enough to make an actual impact on you. Now that in of itself was fixable with the right kind of bribery. The other problem was less so. Your mentor, if you could really call him that, was a rude bastard. Long story short, you’ve never seen the point, much to Wintergreen’s chagrin and Slade’s amusement. You were, however, a master of mouthing off.

“Shouldn’t we call back up?”

You flick your eyes to him, uselessly, but based on the shifting of the body beside you he somehow got the message. “Go ahead, if you wanna explain to big daddy bats why you’re hanging out with me, sure.”

Yeah. That wasn’t an option. There was, of course, a silent understanding that bats probably knew about your little hangouts but still.

You pad the walls with your left hand while your right was gripping Dick’s sleeve, white-knuckled. You cringe every now and again feeling the walls slick with what you weren’t eager to investigate. You strain your ear to listen for odd sounds but mostly to see if Dick, as you suspect, is echolocating.

“How are you doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“Silently echolocating?”

Dick snickers. “I am not. You do know B isn’t an actual bat, right?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot he was just a furry.” You sneer. Dick snorts a sound caught between amusement and offense. He clearly respected Bruce. Not the same way you respected Slade, maybe, but you understood how larger than life the Batman was even if he was the biggest pain in your ass by far.

“Do you really have any room to make fun of my mentor when yours has ‘Stroke’ in his name?”

“I have plenty of room, probably. Why not echolocate to check just how much room I have?”

“Listen here-”

The opera music floods the silent hall, sharp and clear. You feel the air around you catch fire and your fraying nerves. You turn your head to Dick. Despite not being able to see him, you know his mouth flattens and his brow wrinkles the way they do when you two agree to do something incomprehensibly stupid. This time you do not argue or question or even complain. You simply go forward.

A scream, messy and jagged, tangles with the smooth crispness of the opera music. It makes your stomach turn almost as much as the idea of who or, more appropriately, whatever was behind it. You were familiar with the cruelties Gotham’s monsters were capable of. You have, after all, worked for quite a few.

But this?

This pure, uncut agony in that scream? That was just something you could not stomach. You feel Dick flinch at the sound, almost jumping out of his skin. You squeeze his arm once, then twice, then twice once more. You feel his hand on your wrist, reciprocating the gesture. You smile at him reassuringly not knowing whether it would make things better or whether he can actually see it.

Neither of you is particularly good at dealing with people’s pain. That might not be the right word for it. Neither of you coped well. You absorbed too much of it. You were, however, much better at hiding it. Not that you could fault Dick on that. You didn’t even attempt. For Dick, humanity was a part of the job. Compassion? Kindness? That was to be expected of a hero not derided. To uphold that in the face of Gotham’s worst, that took strength.

Strength, in your case, was directed elsewhere. Something bone-breaking, more visceral. You suppose that was the problem with keeping company with survivors. Perpetually dancing on the brink of death robbed you of something but you haven’t exactly known any other life besides this.

The end of the hall is light by bright lights, sterile white, the kind you only saw in clinics. Your head runs through the catalog of Gotham’s rogues, possibilities of which utter psychopath could possibly be doing this.

“We should call the cops.”

Not really really paying attention, you nod. You should probably. You grip the handle of your knife, flexing your fingers nervously, as another scream cuts through the air. Dick’s body curls, recoiling at the sound. The sound, this close, was enough to make you twitch.

“Can’t we just text them?”

“What do you think this is? Canada?”

“Ok, fair but make sure to tell them you’re Dickle Grayson.” You tease, smiling way too easily considering the creepy atmosphere.

Dick crosses his arms over his chest.“And summon a media storm?”

“It would get the police here faster.”

“I hate it when you’re right,” Dick wishes he could wipe the absolutely smug grin off your face. “We need to back up. You know, in case, he can hear us.”

“I mean you are the one unarmed here.” You say, waving your arms at him.

“No, I’m not. I have my bird-a-rangs.” Dick preens, taking them out from some pocket hidden in his jacket.

“Bird-a-rangs.” You echo, raising a brow.

“Yup. Bird-a-rangs.”

“You are officially- no, you are legally not allowed to name things.”

Dick makes an offended squawking noise.“Oh, come on! Still not as bad as Sharknado.”

“Take. That. Back. Heathen.”

“Make me.”

Both of you still. Yasiri unfurls from your collarbone, her tail rattling. You spin on your heel. Your knife swings out in a wide crescent of light. Thick crimson splashes across your face. At the end of your knife was a person- no, it was a person in the past tense. It makes a small cry when you wiggle the blade planted in its throat a fraction. Otherwise, it ignores the fact that it is, in fact, bleeding out from its jugular. It’s thick, clumsy limbs reach for you. Your stomach rolls. The thing in front of you, the mangled approximation of what was once a person, is lurching towards you. You think you sneer in disgust but your face is far too numb to tell.

“Dick! Just call the cops!” You snarl, panic rising audibly as more bodies emerge from God knows where. You kick the one to your front off to the side, shredding its neck. It takes everything in you not to vomit. In the corner of your eye, you see Dick type as he kicks another one away. You two back into each other as the bodies close around you, cutting off all the exits. You roll up your sleeve tracing a blood-soaked finger over the lines of your tattoo and producing another knife. Dick pulls out his bird-a-rangs.

Dick landed blows but they weren’t hard enough to maim or be fatal. Even if he was to hit them with the sharp bird-a-rangs, he would still aim non fatally. Slade would kill you if you fought so inefficiently or maybe he would just taunt you. Either way, you didn’t care much for Dick’s squeamishness right now as the bodies kept getting back up. As far as you can tell, you’re doing them a favor.

The first wave of bodies rushes towards you. Their limbs jutting towards you clumsily. You swing your blade, vicious and precise. You feel metal clash against flesh, against bone. Blood coats every available surface on you. You hear Dick squawk and you don’t really need to turn around to check that he’s also covered in it too. The spray of blood makes the air thick with the scent of copper. The blood on your skin burns.

“Duck!”

“Goose!” You shout, ducking and slashing down at a row of bodies and legs. You hear his bird-a-rangs slice through the air cleanly and land on one of the creature's shoulders. You let out a huff of air thinking of all the more permanent places it could have landed. He throws a few more hitting them in the face.

Dick launches over you, using you as a springboard. You grunt and he winks at you like a showman. His foot predictably lands an impressive blow on one of the creature's faces. You two regroup back to back immediately after he lands.

Your eyes widen a fraction when a hand from out of nowhere grabs at your face catching you off guard. Your breath catches when you feel a hand at your shoulder pushing you down. A fist makes contact with the creature’s swollen face and it takes a moment for your mind to realize that it’s Dick’s hand on your shoulder and Dick’s fist making contact with the creature.

“Thanks,” You mumble, straightening yourself out. “I had it.”

“You’re welcome, Pookie.” You flush as Dick winks at you. “You know I literally have your back.” He teases. You groan bending back into a fighting stance.

“When we get out of here alive, we are working on your sense of humor.” Dick chuckles at that, making your muscles ease. “Says the person who shouted ‘Goose!’.”

You land every blow with every intent to make it fatal. Dick is still sticking to his nonfatal method. Normally, it was pure joy to watch Dick as he fights. The sheer control he commands over his muscles was awe-inspiring. Despite his size, he’s able to land blows just as powerful as yours. He would truly be terrifying if he were to be anything but himself.

These bodies. They’re too alive, too much. The next wave comes at you more fervently with more bodies. Another wave of nausea hits you when hands grasp at your arms. Your stomach tries to twist out of your abdomen. You try to wrench yourself free. You pull and twist and thrash, only succeeding in getting yourself pulled in deeper.

“Dick!” You cry reflexively. The coarseness in your voice lets the fear spill all over your vowels.

Dick’s corscian eyes widen with a flash of panic. To Dick, you and death were two separate lines running on parallel tracks next to each other, never quite crossing and never belonging to the same headspace. Completely mutually exclusive as far as he knew. But right at this moment, right as you’re about to be swallowed whole by the crowd of misshapen bodies, he watches those lines slowly intersect. Dick doesn’t know where his heart has leaped to.

“Y/n!”

The world resurfaces in a surge of bright white light. Some small part of you is really hoping that Dick is, for once, right about the alien thing. Quietly you draw in a calming breath. It’s shallow not wanting your chest to rise too much to give away your consciousness.

The opera music is blaring in your still ringing head which isn’t helped by the wannabe opera singer belting his lungs out. Thankfully, that means he’s distracted. You move your limbs checking. Everything seems to be intact AND you seem to be tied up to someone instead of something which was either good or bad depending on who it is.

“Mornin’ sleepy head” Dick mumbles quietly, sounding relieved. You click your teeth in irritation.

“Morning, Disco Stick. Any chance you magically woke up with a plan or were you just taking a beauty nap?”

“I don’t need one and sort of.”

“Well shit, we’re screwed then.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“I’m sorry which of us is running around doing somersaults when they’re assaulting criminals?”

“In my defense, flipping makes my kicks land harder.” Which was true but you were feeling snippy. “It also gives them much more time to dodge or counter.”

“Killjoy.” You roll your eyes, smiling. You know he’s being cute and pouting. Given this is really not the time considering there is a man butchering another man a few feet away from you while singing bad opera. You really did stumble into a horror movie. “Please tell me you called Batman or the police.”

“Both.”

“How?”

“Some of us are good at multitasking.” Dick chirps proudly leaning against you. You scoff judging just how tightly the ropes are bound around you.

“Well, you are good at being insufferable while still breathing.”

“Isn’t that part of my charm?”

You snicker accidentally tugging at the binds around you. You hear Dick wince likely from what is a bruised rib or, heaven help you, a broken one. “Sorry.” You whisper low and small.

Shit. What if he had a broken rib. Shit. Shit.

“I’m ok, Hon.” Dick laughs making sure to lay the Delaware accent thick. It makes your chest feel warm even though everything else in you was freezing from dread. You snort. “Fine, bleed out for all I care.”

“Awwww don’t be like that.” You sigh. You hate how weak you are to his puppy dog eyes. You can’t even see it. You decide to change the subject instead. “So what are the odds that we’re escaping if we break out of their bonds now?”

“Not high.”

“Even if I get Yasiri to gently inject him with poison?”

“Please tell me you didn’t bring poison to our hangout.”

“I mean. Do twinkies count?”

“No.”

“Ok, fine. So we’re stalling then.”

“Pretty much.”

“I hate this.”

“You were the one who started heading in.”

“Why didn’t you stop me then?”

The man at the surgical table turns to you with a whimsical flourish as the body on the table goes limp. No, not limp. Docile. You have just witnessed a person become a body, you think numbly. The way the fight so easily left its limbs made you shudder, feeling the fight in your own limbs fleeting out. This isn’t how you want to die, not by the hand of a madman. At least, not until you’ve put your own demons to rest.

“Look who’s awake,” He drawls, his voice slimy and all the vowels coming out at the wrong pitches. Dick shifts the two of you so that he’s angled slightly in front of you. He squares his shoulder trying to make his lean form look far bigger than it actually is. You smile at his attempt to be protective because deep down you both know you’re the more intimidating one and you’re the one who can take more punishment. Your power and training have those pleasant side effects.

You see him draw closer making you snarl. “Come any closer and I swear I will rip your throat out.” You are surprised at how even the threat came out but the distilled ferocity you had put into it didn’t quite show, likely blunted by the fear pooling in your stomach.

“Don’t worry I’ll make you perfect too. I promise.” He reaches past Dick, grabbing you by the back of your neck. The grip on you is bruising and callous. He forces you to bow your head and look down at the bloodstains on your clothes. The browning blots of red stain your white Wonder Woman shirt. You swallow. You felt like a lamb being dragged to slaughter. Dick, likely without thinking, bites down on the man’s wrist.

The man pulls away with a cry, cradling his bleeding wrist. “Are you ok?” Dick asks, spitting blood out, eyes shiny with concern. You gulp down air before nodding. Dick presses closer to you reassuring you. Shaken, you press back, careful not to press hard enough to hurt him.

Your floundering mind comes to one conclusion. You can’t let him touch Dick. You use your strength to shift your positions so that Dick is completely behind you. Dick tries to move you back but you plant your heels preventing him from even inching.

The man grabs you by the collar of your shirt, pulling you off the ground. You hear Dick’s breath hitch. His heart rate kicks up and so does yours. Fury burning in the man’s eyes. “WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?” He screams, shaking you. “NO. NO. NO. MY- I’M- NO! PERFECT. I NEED- I NEED TO BE PERFECT.” Somehow the spit flying in your face grosses you out more than the blood probably drying on your face. It’s only winning by a small margin though.

Bile is rising in your throat. Still, you grin, sneering and taunting. “Trust me you didn’t need help in the department,” You jeer. Dick squirms behind you. Urging you to stop. You don’t. “You think those pisspoor excuses for creatures you sicced on us were perfect. HA!” You can feel Dick shaking his head behind you. You nudge him assuring him you’ve got a plan. You did. Sort of. It’s more of a goal really. Take his attention off of Dick.

“[Y/n, please no. Don’t do this. I know what you’re doing. But I can take it. Moon, please.]” Dick pleads, voice hoarse and desperate. ‘Shion’. Moon. The endearment glances of your ribs like a well placed kick to the chest. You don’t let your eyes flick to him. “[Which us is meta here?]” You whisper back in broken Romani. You cringe a little knowing just how badly you butchered the sentence. Dick makes an affronted noise. “Cham.” You whisper quietly, trying to shape your vowels and consonants correctly. Dick’s breath catches. Sun. Sure, the endearment seemed inadequate, too succinct, when compared to how much you care for him but as of right now it will have to do.

The man shakes you again dragging your attention away from Dick. Your smarmy grin cuts across your face as if you’re not pissing yourself from fear. A large hand grabs your face. Your entire body braces itself for your neck to be twisted but it does not come. He tilts your head back side to side. “You’re going to need a lot of work.”

Your heart stops. Dick thrashes behind you. You want to elbow him. You want to scream at him to stop fucking moving but you’re entire body is numb. Your eyes flick to the man, no, the body on the table. It is breathing and writhing in agony. Your breaths pick up. You- you don’t- you can’t-

You hear a crash and the fall of debris on a dozen bodies.

“B!” Dick shouts distantly. The grip on your collar disappears. A black clad fist hangs in front of you. Your eyes trace up the arm in front of you only to be met with the scowling face of the Batman. You swallow nervously while Dick lets out another enthusiastic ‘B’. Batman makes quick work of your ropes, all the while glaring at you for what you don’t know. Maybe somehow he knows this whole situation was your fault.

Once released, the first order of business, at least for Dick, is to throw his arms around Batman’s shoulders. Awkwardly, he reciprocates your friend’s affection. The hold he has on Dick cannot be mistaken as anything but protective. You find humor in the fact at how obvious their familial connection is yet they deny it. A teasing remark rises up your throat but is abruptly shoved back down by Batman’s unrelenting glare. Was he born glaring?

“What are you doing here?” Less of a question and more of a growled accusation.

“Careful, his rib might be broken.” You stumble out dumbly. Dick glares at you but compared to Batman’s it looks more like a pout which is, again, hilarious. Batman loosens his grip on Dick and apparently, this is now the time Dick chooses to realize that his mentor (read: dad) is trying to turn you into ash with a scowl.

Dick peels away from him stepping in front of you. He widens his stance to shield you from the larger man. Dick feels an odd surge of protectiveness and he’s not about to let B attack you, especially not after what just happened.

They stare each other down. They seem to be having a silent argument. You want to cut in but you’re afraid you might actually turn into ash with the intensity of Batman’s gaze.

The loud blaring of sirens mingle with the still playing opera music in the background as a tidal wave of police officers and paramedics rush in.

-----

You pestered the medic to let you stay with Dick.

“So, what do you plan on doing?” Dick asks, leaning against you pointedly ignoring the paramedic's instruction to be careful. You let him lean into you. You know he needs all the comfort he can get. You rest your head against his hair, placing a kiss on his scalp. Dick doesn’t comment afraid that you might withdraw if he teases you too much.

“Maybe grow out my hair,” You joke, pinching a lock of hair between your fingers. “Might as well considering how grounded I’ll be. Well, if uncle Wintergreen has anything to say about it.”

Dick extricates himself from your shoulder and turns to you with a pensive look. Tilting his head, he looks at you appraisingly, wrinkling his brow. You can’t blame him. He’s never seen you with long hair mainly because you’ve never let it get too long. Too much of a hassle, too much of a health hazard.

Dick places his jacket over your head, draping it over you like a wedding veil. You chuckle at him, barely able to keep the smile off of your face.

“How do I look?” You joke twining your fingers around the cloth. You think you see Dick blush but it was probably just the cold. Dick coughs poorly disguising his laughter. He covers his mouth, depriving you of his dimples. “ Like you’re going to get married in a jean pants suit. I have dibs on walking you down the aisle.”

You tilt your head. Your smile tilts along with it. “Nah uncle Wintergreen has dibs on that.”

Dick huffs, his shoulders sag in disappointment. It’s the closest he was gonna get to being your groom, he thinks.

I want you waiting for me at the end of the aisle. The thought makes your heart twist. You swallow it along with the huge lump in your throat. “You can be my last dance though.”

You concede. Dick brightens a little at this but not by much.

“You sure Deathstroke wouldn’t mind?”

“This implies he’ll show up. He’s a busy man.” Dick laughs at that. Genuine and very Dick. This time you don’t fight the smile off of your face.

You smile at each other and laugh. A million unspoken sentences hang between the two of you.

This love of yours is reckless.

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a/n: Thanks for reading. Also yes I did have to include good dad Bruce and bastard mentor Slade. I only have one braincell and it is dumber than shit.

tag list: @batarella , @anothertimdrakestan , @lucy-roo , @multifandomgirl-us , @idkmanicantenglish ,@birdy-bat-writes , @boosyboo9206 , @americasmarauders , @l-inkage @arestorationofbalance , @cloudie-skay , @wunderstell @hyp-oh-critical, @ereawrites

#dick grayson #robins #batboys x reader #batboys #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson imagine #dc x reader #dc fanfic

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sakuranoumi · 2 years

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Fandom: Ultimo

Characters: Yamato, Rune

Word Count: 444

Summary: Had their adventure been just a dream or a reality?

Yamato shot awake, his breath coming fast and ragged.

“Hnnn,” Rune stirred beside him, words garbled by sleep that still held him completely captured in its embrace.

Yamato didn't answer, still trying to get his breathing under control.

“What's wrong?” Rune asked, his hand finding Yamato's own where it grabbed the bed sheet. He pushed himself up as well, hair falling messily in his face. “Was it a nightmare?”

“It was strange,” Yamato spoke, voice rough, “I loved Sayama-san.”

Rune's grip tightened before just as suddenly it relaxed.

“Sayama-san,” he echoed in thought, pretending sleep still clouded his memory, “wasn't she that girl who mysteriously passed away in our grade school.”

“Oh yeah,” Yamato answered, “she was the girl run over by a car.”

“Then it was just a bad dream. Let's go back to sleep,” Rune spoke, wrapping his arms around Yamato and gently tugging him back down to the bed.

“She was on the sidewalk wasn't she?” Yamato asked, and Rune opened an eye from where he had snuggled himself against Yamato. “And the guy they arrested claimed he was from the future and she was too and that he did the whole world a service by killing her.”

“Are you sure that wasn't all just in your dream?” Rune asked. “We were what? 5th grade? That seems like more than your mom would have told you about it.”

“It's just it seemed real,” Yamato insisted, sitting up again.

Rune sighed as he found himself pulled up as well, “Does it change anything?”

Yamato looked down at Rune, studying him.

“No. Not really,” he answered, “but it just feels like there was some whole other fantastical life we lived.”

Rune stiffened, picking at the fabric of the blanket on the bed, “Is there something wrong with this life?”

“No,” Yamato corrected, pulling Rune into a hug, “I wouldn't change this for the world.”

Rune allowed himself to melt into the embrace, and to place his hand on Yamato's chest as he closed his eyes.

“I wouldn't either,” he whispered, “We're happy.”

“Rune?” Yamato hummed, looking down at him.

“Nothing,” Rune answered. “It was all just a dream.”

“Yeah,” Yamato agreed, leaning back and easily pulling Rune with him, “it was all just a dream.”

Rune hummed in agreement, closing his eyes.

“All just a dream that I loved Sayama-san. That we fought with robots. That you died,” Yamato whispered to no one.

If Rune heard him, he didn't react. He remained perfectly still and heavy like sleep had claimed him. Like it had never let go from the moment he stirred.

“Musayama?” Yamato offered a question up to the heavens, “Thank you.”

#karakuridouji ultimo #yamato agari #rune kodaira #running Sayama over with a car here was very cathartic for me #and I still don't regret it #sushiyama is the true hero #always taking one for the team

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whumpwillow · 3 years

Note

hnnn that post you reblogged about amnesia and instinctual trust,, but instead of enemies to friends, the enemy takes advantage of the amnesiac and tells them they were friends all along but then gradually starts to treat them Horribly

That is how I initially thought the post was going to go 😂 because like, there’s this person with no memories blindly trusting their worst enemy who could do anything to them and tell them whatever false nonsense and have them believe it, and it would work especially well if it’s a gradual transition from ‘fake friends’ to ‘bad times’ and just big oof but also fantastic

#thanks for the ask!#ilysm #willow answers #answered asks #oof probs should link the post but im lazy

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yue-muffin · 3 years

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The muffin watches Love and Redemption

It will take me forever to get through this series at this rate~

Episode 2:

Nooo, don’t touch strange glow-y objects you find in mysterious realms!

Nice, a magical security system.

Did she get possessed? Whatever that was, it helpfully yeeted them out of the lake. However, they’re still down a snake AND Sifeng lost his mask. What a fruitful adventure, you two! Now you’ve unleashed a dragon.

Father is very much not happy right now.

HOW DARE YOU LOSE YOUR MASK. Lol, priorities? They are very devoted to maintaining that air of mystery.

Sifeng, did you hit your head too hard?? Do you not see how big of a deal it is for people to trespass in that secret realm? AND YOU ASK IF YOU CAN GO BACK?? To get a mask?? JUST GET A NEW ONE. Wear a blindfold, something! Other! Than! Trespassing! Again!

Now we’re prying into other sects’ secrets haha. Not very subtle, are you Deputy Chief?

Oh, Xuanji’s face! Same! I’d be more worried about Sifeng’s punishment than my own. She’s getting grounded in a dank cave, but idk Like Palace is the type to throw murderous beasts at its disciples as a test so.

Haha, she is right in that the barrier thing has been weakening. But it seems there’s another reason she was able to get inside. Wow, what a drastic step up from ‘you’re grounded’ to ‘imprisoned forever’.

Oh, so we lost a mask and a snake but gained a mysterious shard that triggers memories from a thousand years ago? Worth it?

Linglong, ahhaha your plan…has some flaws. She can’t cry normally, now you’re pressuring her to cry on demand, it’s definitely not going to work lol. Oh no she rubbed chili powder under her eyes?? I mean…you can definitely elicit tears without being sad lol… At least she tried…

It’s Sifeng’s turn! Cheng Yi does the ‘beaten and tormented’ look justice haha. I am enjoying the subtle shifts in his expressions, it’s something he did well as Zhang Qiling in TLT2. Also, supportive friend! Encouraging him to get into dangerous situations to save him from getting tortured (and driven to suicide, yikes), I can see that coming into play later…there is no way he’s getting that mask out of the lake.

There is like a small tornado in this darn cave, geez. And it’s snowing?? Ah, I really like the makeup they used to make Xuanji’s lips look cracked and bleeding.

So. HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE, SIFENG?? Is no one guarding this lake? Someone just broke into it! Yeah, I think you guys need to actually guard this thing if it’s so important. Or get a security system that lets you know someone’s there before they actually breach the barrier.

Aw, Xuanji thinks of Sifeng while she’s still in the middle of her own punishment.

Why is she shaking so much? It’s FREEZING IN THERE THAT’S WHY. No one gave her so much as a coat, geez.

WHAT SHE CAN TASTE NOW? I will admit, I got all happy and fluttery right along with the characters haha. That was a good moment. But also, how do you make congee taste bad?? At worst it’ll just be really plain…oh. Unless you burn it. Yeah, that’s possible in the old pots they used to make it in.

Look at everyone putting their heads together to try and get Xuanji to cry lol. Sifeng helpfully left his book (and instructions!) laying around for them to find. How does he keep sneaking around? Is this a skill of his or something…

Lol, her sister and senior brother are a pretty fun duo with all of their scheming. It’s also pretty interesting that they randomly pick from a pool of both juniors and their seniors who are in actuality like…their teachers.

Waaaait. Hao Chen was played by Liu Xueyi, who played Xiao Hua in TLT2?? I didn’t recognize him immediately (it’s been a while since I watched TLT2), but hnnn no wonder I was getting some…strange vibes from that character. I was like ‘is it just me, it’s too…shiny. perfect. smiling. It just. Raises suspicion.’ That actor did a very good job with Xiao Hua’s sort of dual nature - a perfectly calm, harmless smiling man on the outside, ruthless leader on the inside. >.> I don’t know if I trust you, Hao Chen.

Oh, so we do get some background on why their #1 rule is keeping the mask on.

If they were only going to make him stutter for an episode and a half, why did they get him a different voice actor?? (Cowards, let actors voice their characterssss! Unless they have an accent that really interferes. >.> But Cheng Yi has provided his voice for his characters in the past.)

WHY ARE WE ABLE TO GO TO THE LAKE AGAIN.

Xuanji, good on you for not wanting to break the rules again. Sifeng, your plan lol…acting like it wasn’t you who gave them the idea to go for the Gu eagle in the first place.

Cheng Yi, your microexpressions… I really like them. Also, his attempts to shove everyone away is going to fail miserably in the end, it’s only a matter of time before you start caring about everyone lol.

HAHA. Senior brother, being so supportive of Xuanji making friends. But also, everything for the two sisters is making his shifu kind of side-eye him lol. I like how they added that little detail of Linglong shoving food in his mouth, bc just earlier he told Xuanji that he eats all her food to make her happy…it’s the little details that make a world and characters feel more real and less like props.

I would be terrified flying in the air, you would not be able to pry me off your waist lol.

Final Thoughts:

We have moved on from the immediate threat and introduced some consequences to the characters’ actions and subsequently, conflict, in the form of Xuanji potentially getting locked in a cave for the rest of her life simply because she can’t bring herself to cry and Sifeng getting threatened with torture (13 of them) if he doesn’t retrieve his mask or do something big enough for his teacher to overlook it.

Hm, so far, what I like about this emerging character arc of sorts for Xuanji is the theme of growing up and needing to face the consequences of your actions - no longer are you a kid who can be excused on account of age and limited decision making capacity.

Also! I noticed a little motif (?): last episode, Xuanji raised a flag for herself by saying “tears are the most precious things”, and here we find out that Sifeng has a beauty mark/mole by his eye, which is said to mean you’ll have a life full of hardship (aka full of tears)…Fun fact, my mom was born with one and had it removed in her twenties because of that superstition!

…In terms of story, this cannot be good lol.

#the muffin's liveblogging adventures #love and redemption

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zu-is-here · 4 years

Note

My birthday is the same day as Undertale's bday. I don't know if I already sent this to you. Hnnn I have bad memory sooo... I'm gonna end up celebrating Undertale's birthday instead of my own birthday.

Awww happy birthday to you!!╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

#have a great day <3 #ask

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goat-mama-breezie · 3 years

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So I’ve had this hiding in my notes for like almost two weeks I think? I wasn’t sure if I should post it here, but why not lol. It’s another Kaeya x Fin(my oc), so...enjoy I guess? It’s long, but I’m on mobile so please scroll 😛 @favoniuscodex hnnn I did it 😬

Fin didn’t know how it happened.

One minute, she’s discussing commissions with Katherine, and the next she’s ducking in and out of the streets and alleys to shake prying eyes.

She felt almost as if she was being hunted. Fin wouldn’t run, no matter how much her mind urged her to, it would only bring more attention to herself.

For the last two days, Fin had been followed by either a love sick teenager or an over eager assistant; she couldn’t tell which. She had let him help her with a commission one time a few days ago just to be nice, but even after being told multiple times that Fin no longer needed help, he still came looking for her.

Normally, Fin wouldn’t mind striking up a conversation, but this guy irked her. He would either smother her in bad pick up lines or insist that she needed his help with even the simplest of chores.

“This is ridiculous...” she muttered as she glanced around to find a hiding place. “Does he not know when to give up?”

Figuring she’d be clear to just hide in an alleyway until he quit, she jogged toward a lesser known tavern. Fin was so focused on getting off the streets, she tripped up the stairs to the Cat’s Tail with a yelp, but thanks to a familiar gloved hand, she didn’t fall.

“Woah there, Speedy. What’s the hurry?”

“Captain!” Fin gasped with a hand on her chest. “Thank you.”

“Miss Fin!” A distant voice called.

Grabbing Kaeya by the sleeve, Fin dashed into the shade of the alley, pressing her back against the wall and holding her breath, she prayed her pursuer hadn’t seen where she went.

“Something wrong?” Kaeya asked with a raised brow, one hand rested on his waist. It was easy to tell she was anxious, he didn’t need two working eyes to see that. The way she bounced on the balls of her feet was a dead giveaway.

Fin turned to the Captain with a worried expression. “Kaeya he won’t leave me alone,” she breathed, dropping the formalities. “No matter how many times I deny him, he won’t leave me alone and now he’s following me.” She didn’t need to explain who; she had ranted once before about him to Kaeya at a bar.

The Knight held his chin between his thumb and forefingers. “Him again, huh? Hmm...I have an idea that just may keep him away for good, but there’s a catch.”

Fin could hear quick footsteps approaching. It seems her previous prayer was not to be answered. “What is it?” She asked as she continued bouncing on her toes nervously.

“You’ve got to play along. And you have to trust me.”

“Fine. Sure, alright, just hurry” Whatever it was, surely it couldn’t be as bad as having to endure another belittling conversation with the weirdo.

She was...half right.

Fin expected the possibility of Kaeya’s idea being wild or far fetched. What she didn’t expect was for Kaeya to grab her by the cheeks and pull her into a kiss.

Her eyes were wide, staring at the face that was now so close to hers. Kaeya, Captain Kaeya, who Fin had been crushing on practically since she’d met him, was kissing her. His lips were so soft against hers and despite the crying vision Kaeya wielded, she could feel herself begin to melt, fingers itching to move, to touch him.

Only when an azure eye peeked open to meet hers did she remember his words. “Play along” he had said.

So she did.

Mint eyes closed and gentle and shaky hands found the Knight’s chest as she leaned into him and kissed back. Her heart was pounding in her ears, yet she paid it no mind. Fin was so into it, into him, she didn’t even notice how footsteps echoed off the walls of the alley.

Kaeya could tell she was enjoying it; he could feel it in the way she pressed against him and sighed against his lips. Content with her reaction, he closed his eye and moved one hand behind her neck, pulling her closer just before her pursuer turned the corner.

“Miss Fin! There you-oh...”

What a sight it must’ve been to see the Calvary Captain of the Knight of Favonius pressing one of the Honorary Knights against him in a heated kiss. Fin’s cheeks and ears were flushed crimson, a harsh contrast to her usually pale complexion. He was putting on a show. Kaeya had one hand laced in her ponytail at the base of her neck, his other firmly grasping her hip, pulling Fin flush against him. He was enjoying this, but he still had to get rid of the intruder.

Kaeya broke the kiss with a sigh. “Apologies,” he spoke to the newcomer, unable to pull his gaze from the white haired girl in front of him. Her half lidded eyes reflected an emotion Kaeya hadn’t seen from her before and her soft lips were already flushed pink. He was hooked. “But Finnie is a tad busy at the moment, if you couldn’t tell. Come back later.” His eyes kept darting back to her slightly swollen mouth. Fin’s cheeks only darkened as Kaeya bit at his lip.

Fin couldn’t help but lean into his touch when Kaeya dragged his thumb across her cheek, awestruck at the situation she found herself in.

“Or...perhaps not. Finnie may be busy then, too.” Her eyes fluttered closed once again just before their lips met for a second time. That time, she didn’t hesitate to kiss him back.

That was nearly a week ago, and luckily for Fin, Kaeya’s plan had worked! She hadn’t seen the weirdo since.

However, as grateful as she was to Kaeya for helping her out, she hated him for the way he had left her feeling. She could not get the memory of how his lips felt out of her head, often catching herself brushing her fingers over her lips and now, every time they met, Fin had to fight back her continuously rising feelings toward the Knight constantly.

She refused to let them get in the way of their friendship. He didn’t see her any differently than a friend anyway. Right?

Wrong.

On the outside, Kaeya was no different than before the incident. Calm, cool, smooth-toned...On the inside, however, Kaeya felt a mess.

After hearing Fin’s drunk blabbering about her feelings, he wanted to look further into the situation. Did she actually feel a special way towards him or was it just the dandelion wine talking? What better way to find out then to initiate something a little more intimate between the two? He had the perfect plan; he would kiss her.

Kaeya didn’t expect for the perfect scenario to fall straight into his hands, however.

The Captain simply wanted to get a reaction out of her, see if she still had the feelings she eluded to not long ago. He never thought he would go in for a second kiss, he just couldn’t help himself...but Archons, was he glad he did.

Fin thought he kissed her just to help her out a sticky situation. Who could blame her, though? Kaeya was known to flirt with anything that breathes; how could she think he was being sincere?

He kept up his flirty act. However, he didn’t flirt with anyone but the ivory haired traveler. Any compliments he showered her with were nothing but heartfelt, straight honey rolling off his tongue. He began leaving Calla Lilies on Fin’s desk, or anywhere he knew she’d find them. Everyone but Fin herself could tell he was courting her.

It bugged Kaeya to no end.

“Diluc, I know you don’t like him much anymore, but could I ask, well, more like rant to you about Kaeya?” Fin asked, hope laced in her words. The scarlet haired vigilante sighed, setting a now cleaned mug down on the counter. Fin had caught him at the tavern during a slow lull, hoping to get some advice. She stared down at her cider while she waited for Diluc to respond, her fingers twisting the stem of one of her gifted Lilies.

“I do not concern myself with the likes of him any longer.”

Fin sighed and set her glass down, forehead falling to rest on the bar. “Yes, I know, sorry. I guess I was just hoping tha-“

“However, I have not seen him look at anyone in the same way he looks at you.”

Fin’s head shot up so fast, she nearly gave herself a headache. “What..?” Her mint eyes searched Diluc’s, but all he gave no reply, just a soft smile before he turned his back to continue cleaning. Fin’s gaze dropped down to the calla lily that had gone limp in her grasp, not sure what to think of this new information.

With his smile still present, Diluc glanced over his shoulder at the traveler, chuckling inwardly at her expression. For the past week, Diluc had been dealing with the pair pining after each other, though Fin more so kept to herself about it. During the day, she would come to the tavern to chat and relax. She only spoke of Kaeya occasionally, knowing Diluc’s feelings toward the captain.

Kaeya, on the other hand, was much worse. He would come at night when the tavern was fullest, drinking to his heart’s content and blabbing on and on about the mint eyed girl he wouldn’t seem to woo.

This was new to Diluc. Typically, Kaeya was the kind to flirt with anyone and everyone. If someone were to reject his advances, Kaeya would just move on to the next innocent soul, playing with their feelings until he got bored.

This time, things were different.

It seemed as if Kaeya only had eyes for Fin, and no matter how oblivious she was to his advances, Kaeya kept on trying. To Diluc, it was...strange.

“I’m sure he’s just being friendly. We’ve become close pretty quickly, after all,” Fin reasoned with herself. Her brain wouldn’t let her believe he felt something toward her. “I’m just his comrade...”

“Fin.” Diluc’s body faced the girl now, her minty gaze meeting his crimson one once again. “Kaeya is...” he sighed and turned away again. “He stays here late at night, running his mouth about insignificant things. But when he speaks of you...I haven’t seen him smile like that since we were kids... But I’m sure you’d rather hear from him over me.”

Fin didn’t budge as she took in Diluc’s words. She didn’t understand how Diluc could say these things so easily and confidently when she herself was sure it wasn’t the case. She wouldn’t - couldn’t - believe it unless she heard it from Kaeya. Though, even then she wasn’t so sure...

And so, after saying her goodbyes to Diluc, the traveler left the tavern, now even more unsure then when she arrived.

Fin made her way up the stairs towards the statue of Barbatos, wanting to relax in the quiet shade nearby. “Aha! There you are, Doll,” a familiar voice called. “I’ve been looking for you.” Quickly, Fin spun on her heels to face the Knight with her usual smile, long ponytail falling over her shoulder. She found him leaned up against a pillar right where she had planned to rest.

“Captain, hello!” Fin greeted, hands laced together behind her back. The smile on her lips widened when she saw the bouquet of lilies within his grasp, the familiar flowers bringing her joy. “What’s this?” A soft chuckle escaped Kaeya as he held out the bouquet for Fin to take. “For me? How kind of you, Captain. You didn’t need to do that.” She almost felt guilty, hoping it wasn’t too much effort for him to collect them.

“Of course I did,” Kaeya countered as Fin took the bundle, his smile never faltering. “How else am I supposed to relay my affections, Sweetheart?” His words brought on an instant flush to Fin’s pale cheeks. She attempted to play it off with a wave of her hand.

“Oh stop,” she huffed. She buried her nose in the bouquet to hide her face. The smell the lilies gave off was lovely. “If you aren’t careful, Captain, someone might think you’re smitten with me. Think of how heartbroken the ladies of Mond would be.” A stale giggle pushed past her lips as she played with some petals.

Fin was half joking, but her smile had faltered.

Kaeya noticed. Of course he did.

He was keen, infuriatingly so to some, and not much went unnoticed by him. So when Fin had automatically deflected into a joke and no longer met his gaze, Kaeya frowned. It took him a moment to gather the proper words. He figured the best way to get his point across the the helplessly oblivious girl was to be outright and honest, a daunting task for the Calvary Captain.

“What if I am?”

Fin’s fiddling stilled. “Sorry?”

Kaeya inhaled before continuing. “What if I am...smitten with you?”

The girls eyes widened, cheeks continuing to flush. Her heart was thumping against her sternum and her fingers tingled, yet something in the back of her mind just couldn’t believe it.

“...Kaeya, you can’t say things like that and get my hopes up. I don’t like this kind of teasing.” She wouldn’t meet his eye.

“You don’t believe me.” It was less a question and more a statement, nothing but silence following after.

Kaeya’s eye studied Fin, taking in every feature he could. He noticed how her fingers were tightly wound around the bundled stems, how she shifted her weight from left to right and back again, how she bit at her lower lip, the silence eating away at her. He had to say something.

“Finnie.” She jumped at her name leaving his lips, feeling flustered yet still not raising her eyes. With a soft sigh, the captain pressed a gentle finger beneath her chin to have her finally meet his eye. “Hey.” Fin looked up shyly, which brought Kaeya’s fallen smile back. “Can I tell you a secret?”

His intense stare reminded Fin of a week ago; the last time she was this close to him, he gave her the same look. “Y-yeah, sure.” His grin grew at that, hand moving from her chin to brush over her temple. It tucked her hair behind her ear before settling gently on her jaw.

“You are the most amazing creature I’ve come across,” he started. “Selfless, kind, brave, strong, not to mention so incredibly beautiful.” She rolled her eyes at that, pulling a sound of mock hurt from Kaeya. “Hey now, I mean it! Have you seen yourself? Save some beauty for the rest of us,” he said with a wink, well, as much of a wink you can manage with one eye.

Fin’s smile finally returned and was accompanied with a soft giggle. Her heart was racing in her chest and hoards of butterflies invaded her gut, leaving her all tingly feeling.

“There it is.” Kaeya’s thumb raked across the skin on her cheekbone. He was smitten, and helplessly so. “Can I tell you another secret, Fin?” She nodded. Kaeya moved closer, his voice barely above a whisper. “Ever since the day of your little sticky situation, I’ve wanted nothing more than the chance to kiss you again.”

The bouquet of calla lilies almost fell from the girl’s grasp at the confession, so she readjusted her grip, refusing to let the gift hit the ground. Her pulse was erratic and her cheeks flushed red. She could feel Kaeya’s left hand ghosting over her hip as if itching to hold her.

She believed him. Of course she did. With words so sincere and her desires so present, it finally made sense.

Fin’s hand found the one hovering at her side, pulling him to hold her hip before her palm found its place upon Kaeya’s forearm.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

Though not as keen as the knight, the way his smile widened and the color pink dusted over Kaeya’s features did not go unnoticed by Fin as he moved ever closer.

Looking back, she found it so silly how she acted earlier, telling herself it wasn’t true, that Kaeya absolutely did not have feelings for her. She would have to thank Diluc later for putting up with them, but for now, she’d much rather enjoy this moment with the captain.

The scene was almost identical to the one from a week ago. However, this time, there was no fear or uncertainty, only excitement and anticipation as the pair stared at each other.

“Kiss me, Kaeya.”

So he did.

#kaeya x oc #Kaeya #genshin oc #Kaeya x Fin #my BFF dubbed them Fieya #Fieya #this is probably trash but I’m still kinda proud of it so yeah

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rotten-dan · 3 years

Note

I've gotta ask. pibu, nibu or chompy

I dunno which one is nibu but

Hngngngkf don't do this tome....

Hnnn

CHOMPY, cuz she has saved my neck many time and bcuz i have bad memories with bed bugs :(

#talking to a ghost

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friendlylocalwhumper · 4 years

Text

continuation of this drabble, where emory breaks lux’s trust. mind the warnings.

content warning for referenced noncon, discussion of noncon, and partners navigating broken trust. both partners are safe in this drabble, and it doesn’t end on a dark note.

The longer he spends away from Lux - in the same house, but not touching, not going near him, not sharing a bed - the more he realizes just how much of their relationship is built on trust.

Emory trusts Lux not to abandon him, not to forget him even on awful overwhelming days. Lux knows Emory’s been hurt that way before, deemed worthless with the heavy pall of neglect.

Lux trusts Emory not to hurt him. That took a long time to earn, but finally, Lux doesn’t expect to be hit, doesn’t often flinch or give a small yelp at unexpected touch. Emory knows how to move, how to speak, to help Lux remember he’s safe here.

Emory trusts that Lux cares, really cares, about how he’s doing. That Lux doesn’t ever brush him off, or forget about plans, or go a whole day without communicating - not out of malice, at least. Because that stuff worms its way into Emory’s heart and makes him defensive. Lux doesn’t know why, but he knows it matters.

And Lux trusts… trusted… that he was safe in their bed.

Even after all the times he’s been assaulted. The pain, the humiliation, the terror of being knocked around, pinned, his life in someone’s hands - and them using that position of power to tear at his sense of self with everything they’ve got. Using him and enjoying it, smothering him with sounds and weight and heat that he couldn’t escape.

Even after having a boyfriend who hurt him like that, who convinced Lux of things, who hurt him if he didn’t go along with it - and even worse, didn’t hurt him sometimes, just got frustrated, or disappointed, or distant. It did things to Lux’s head.

Lux’s reaction to their first kisses, to their first touches, seemed odd at the time, before Emory really knew him. Now he knows that it was fear. Not just nerves, not just uncertainty, but full-on terror. That as soon as he got close, he’d be used. That all men who get close enough to breathe him in only want one thing, and always get it, if they’re in the mood.

It took so long for Lux to even take his shirt off in front of Emory. To even sit on the bed. And lying in the bed, kissing, falling asleep, doing more? At the time it didn’t feel like a terrible wait, since Lux was worth it and took up so much of Emory’s attention just with his eyes and his words and his smile - but it really did take ages. Countless hours of Lux watching him for reactions, for any sign of greed, anger, lust.

Eventually, he decided, somewhere along the way, that Emory somehow wasn’t like that. Lux arched up between the mattress and Emory’s chest and gasped and murmured things that he’d blush to remember saying, the next day. He entrusted Emory with his body, with his sounds, with hesitant smile-tinged questions and offers. Things that any other person who’d seen him naked would have used against him in a second.

As Lux sits out on the couch, not sleeping - he hasn’t slept, since it happened, hasn’t closed his eyes - Emory lies in bed missing the warmth of his partner beside him.

It’s hard to compare all the things Lux has been through and rank them, from least to most devastating. The worst thing, though, Emory thinks, is assault like that. It takes something that Lux already struggles with - sex, touch, intimacy - and twists it in the worst way. And Lux said what happened, what Emory did, was worse than even the awful, brutal assaults he’s survived before, the ones that made him bleed and sob and stare off at nothing for hours at a time.

The sheer magnitude of what he’s done hits Emory in waves, along with vague memories of doing it. Being sleepy, feeling the burn of need low in his belly - nudging Lux, asking, taking the first hint of a yes and running with it - friction, warmth, Lux saying something that didn’t matter because it felt too good to stop.

Thinking about it makes him nauseous.

He can’t imagine what thinking about it is like for Lux.

After two days to think on it, Emory feels like he’s full of lead. He’s thought through every hint of fear, and show of trust, from Lux that he can remember - flinches, whimpers, cuddles, wide eyes - and about what it’s like now, too. How very closed off Lux is. Eyes cast down, shoulders set with pain he won’t let Emory massage out (not that Emory is stupid enough to offer), breathing shallow and silent whenever Emory passes the couch.

Lux doesn’t seem angry, or needy. There’s no output of emotion. He’s just shut off, like something broke when it happened, and reality careened back into the dangerous, crippling futility of life as a warlock before having a home.

Emory doesn’t know what to do. Maybe there’s nothing for him to do - maybe he’s done enough, and it’s time to wait, to let Lux heal.

Lux doesn’t seem to be healing out there, dark circles carved under his eyes and mind shut off to everything around him. But Emory doesn’t have a right to comment on how Lux deals with this.

Emory goes to work the next day and comes home for his lunch break to find that Lux isn’t on the couch. There’s a note on the counter that Lux is at Anders’ house, and he’s going to stay the night there.

It’s a slap in the face and a tremendous relief all at once. Maybe Lux will be able to sleep there, dreamless and deep, relaxed because he’s finally safe. Maybe he’ll tell Anders what happened, and Anders will come to kill Emory with a sneer and brutal magic flicking out of a scarred, jagged hand.

Emory doesn’t go back to work. He would, he should, for a distraction, to respect Lux by steering clear of him - but he just can’t.

Life doesn’t have any color without Lux. Or, really, without Lux feeling safe, without Lux being okay. If Lux was happy and put together and just leaving Emory, simply breaking up for something or someone better, even for independence, Emory would be okay. He’d love Lux for the bravery to do that. But Lux is staying, and the warlock is just… just drained out. Weary and hurting and not processing anything.

Emory waits for Lux to come back, after staying the night at Anders’ house. He doesn’t really do anything while he waits. Doesn’t read, doesn’t clean, doesn’t try to make or buy something to give to Lux.

He goes to their bedroom, because that’s the space he should be in until Lux feels safe enough to return to it - and he thinks.

Thinks about how he shouldn’t ever make any decisions, or any moves, or say anything, when he’s not fully awake, not in control of himself. How if Lux ever lets Emory touch him again, Emory’s going to be slower and more uncertain about it than Lux was at the start of their relationship - and that’s not something to be pitied, that’s just how it should be, now.

He thinks about how Anders should just come and kill him, because Emory’s hurt Lux worse than anyone out there, and if it were anyone else who did that kind of harm to him, Emory would condemn them to death in a heartbeat.

He hears the front door open, and Lux come inside. He doesn’t lock the door; it must feel more important to have an escape route than to lock out any possible threats.

Sounds like he went right to the couch, because there are no other sounds, like the fridge or a scooting stool or another door opening. After a couple minutes, Emory’s phone buzzes.

you home? reads the text from Lux. Emory considers answering, but takes too long, thumb hovering over the screen.

maybe you can come out here and help with my shoulders? just for a minute?

Emory’s heart clenches with some cold, dense emotion he can’t name. He can’t. To touch Lux, after what he did? It’s such a loaded offer, Emory buries his face in his hands. It’s not even like he wants to help, and is holding back thanks to logic; he doesn’t want to help. He doesn’t want to go out there, and touch Lux’s shoulders, a part of him that hurts so bad and is so scary to have touched. He doesn’t want to be close, doesn’t want there to be any chance of soft earnest words and getting closer and acting like partners. They’re not, there isn’t any trust anymore, Emory is a rapist and Lux is trying to earn forgiveness for his own assault by offering to be touched.

Sorry, I can’t.

He doesn’t bother to edit his typing to replace the capitalized letters and make it deliberately casual. His heart hurts too much to put that effort into it. To seem like he thinks he gets to chat with Lux, like he can rebuild what they had by acting normal.

I want to give you space And I can’t touch you I mean, I shouldn’t. I just You’re not doing anything wrong I just can’t. I don’t get to.

Lux doesn’t answer. Emory’s heart sinks further. With every aching interaction he has with Lux, his own body feels more distant. The fact that he had that burning need, that he wanted sex, feels more and more foreign and disgusting. There’s nothing more repulsive that he could’ve done.

Eventually, his phone buzzes again.

even if i need you to?

Emory feels like crying. He can’t tell if Lux really needs help, or if he’s just doubling down on catering to Emory by letting him come out and be close. Emory doesn’t even want to be himself, right now, he doesn’t think he can handle the added stress of being near Lux.

please, can’t you ask anders?

He’s back to no capitalization, now. What if the way he was typing before made Lux nervous? What if he seemed bitter, dry? There’s no right way to do this. Everything he does buries him a little deeper. It’s fair.

he would be better at it and he’s safer to be around lux, i can’t do it

yes you can i need you to, please it’s hard to type so please just come out i know you don’t want to mess up but i’m going to break up with you if you don’t come make this hurt less i’m fnfoit kid fing fig

Emory frowns, phone forgotten on the bed as he walks over to the door and pulls it open. “Lux?”

“I can’t, hnnn, type, the stupid - keys are so small - Em-mory help.”

Lux is sitting on the couch, as expected. His arms look fine, his shoulders are the right shape, not dislocated or anything. But he’s tense, and all scrunched up like he’s in pain, face pale.

“Can you - the thing you do? Fix them?”

He hesitates. Lux isn’t his boyfriend anymore, not really. They haven’t broken up, but Emory lost the right to feel at home up against Lux’s body, or anywhere near it.

Lux whimpers.

“Okay. Um - so I can touch your shoulders?”

“Yes.”

“Alright, I - I won’t touch anywhere else. And I’ll be careful. Tell me if it-”

A choked sob jumps out of Lux as one of his shoulders shifts slightly, the joint resisting whatever movement was attempted by grinding bone against nerves.

It’s no time to talk. Emory swallows past a lump in his throat and moves back behind the couch, hands on Lux’s shoulders, fingers digging into muscle pulled so tight it’s hard to work with.

Lux makes the kind of sounds reserved for the more unbearable agony Emory’s seen him in. It’s only been three days since they were okay together - maybe four, since he got his shoulders sorted out like this. All the stress of what’s happened must have really gotten his achy joints all bunched up wrong.

The moans and yelps that come out of Lux feel obscene. Emory is defensive about the sounds resembling anything like what might come out of him in bed - and he wonders if Lux ever gets paranoid about that, biting back sounds because he thinks he’ll get mocked for it, in that way.

When it’s done, the process blurring into one long moment, Lux melts. “Tha-anks,” He whimpers, one hand cupping around the more tender shoulder, the one that needed extra cracking and massaging to work again.

Emory starts to walk back to the room, hands in his pockets.

“D’you wanna stay out here?”

At the question, Emory slows to a stop. Why is Lux doing all the work here? Does it seem like Emory isn’t trying, like he doesn’t care about fixing this?

He stares at the floor and searches for words. “...I don’t… Lux, I broke it.”

A moment’s silence passes. “I don’t think you broke it.”

“I did. I ruined it. I’ve been thinking about it since, and there’s just… there’s no way it’ll get better. No way to get back to okay.”

Lux’s weight shifts on the couch. Emory can’t tell if he’s moving closer, or moving away - shifting in discomfort, or leaning forward, engaged.

“I didn’t know you were feeling like that.”

One shoulder shrugs up. Emory’s eyes are glued to the corner between two panels of the wooden flooring.

“Can you come sit down? Can we talk?”

“Uhh-mmm…” A long, slow breath. “Okay.”

The walk over to the couch is hard. Sitting down, and feeling the cushion shift under him as Lux inches away, hurts. He doesn’t let it show in his expression or posture, though. Lux will get nervous, and the power balance will shift.

“Why do you think we’re broken?”

Emory isn’t looking at Lux, but it’s enough to process, just to hear his voice. To hear the careful, worried question. He can’t for the life of him look up at his boyfriend, the man that he loves so much, the man that he hurt.

“Because I did… the worst thing I could do. I know you, I know what makes you scared, and that you’re probably flinching from things, and nervous about if I’m angry, and you’d be having nightmares, if you were sleeping.” He has to close his eyes to keep talking. The reality where he hurt Lux, and the one where they’re at home, on the couch, someplace safe and familiar, can’t possibly coexist. “...And I don’t think you’ll ever feel safe with me again.”

Lux is thinking. He’s probably watching Emory, eyes on him, since Emory’s got his eyes closed. It’s safe to watch him. Everything Emory does, or doesn’t do, impacts how safe Lux feels. It all has to be factored in, weighed, planned out. After the biggest mistake Emory’s made in his life, he can’t mess up again.

“You think we’re already over.”

When Lux puts it like that, Emory can’t disagree. It just sounds true. “Yeah.”

“I don’t feel like it’s over. I feel like… like I’m, I’m trying to figure stuff out, and put myself back together, so we can be… us, again.”

Emory raises his hands to bury his face in them. Having his eyes closed isn’t good enough, there needs to be a barrier between them. “I bet you did that with your last boyfriend, too.”

If he was looking, he thinks he’d see Lux flinch at that. It’s not the gentlest thing to say. But it’s what he thinks, and it’s important to be honest about that. Especially if Lux is used to being abused, and would let Emory hurt him again.

“You’re not like him. I don’t - I’m not… I w-wouldn’t let someone do that to me again.”

“Seems like you would. You didn’t leave me, for what I did.”

Lux’s weight on the cushion shifts. “You were half-asleep, Em. You never got it wrong before that, you just - you made a mistake. It’s not like I was crying and begging you to stop. It was… complicated.”

“No it wasn’t. I wanted it, and you didn’t, and I was too - I don’t know, too tired, too excited, to care. You had to hide in a corner and make yourself invisible and text me, the next day, ‘cause I scared you so bad. We should…” Emotion cracks his voice into silence. “We should break up. We can’t come back from this. I don’t deserve a second chance. I can’t look at you, even, I don’t get to, I - it feels like it’d be just as bad as touching you, which is just as bad as - what I did to you.” The harder it gets to force his words out, the more muffled they get, as he turns his head to press his face further into his hands, covering his mouth. If he cries, if he lets out emotional sounds, he’ll win Lux’s sympathy, and bam, the even playing field will be skewed. Lux will feel like he owes Emory sympathy, compassion.

“I don’t want to break up. And I… I don’t think you do, either. You’re just scared.”

“I’m not, I, I scared you.”

“...scared that you finally pushed me away. That you’ll be alone again.”

The stupidest little choked sound jumps out of Emory. He shoves his hands harder against his face, too late.

“Safer to just think it’s over, and get away, than to hope we’ll get better and watch me leave, right?”

“Stop,” Emory pleads softly. It’s so much easier to be the bad guy than to be understood.

Lux is closer, now, close enough to touch. His weight is pressing down the cushion by Emory’s knee. “The next morning, when you realized what happened, you felt like it was the end of the world. Because you ruined it, broke us. You thought it was over right that second.”

“It was. It’s over. I can’t take it back. I broke your trust, it’s too late, we’ll never - we can’t…”

“I was the one that got hurt, Emory, I get to say if I can get over it. I get to decide if I feel safe.”

Brown hands flutter, desperately quick, to wipe tears from Em’s cheeks before he hides in them again. “Ye-eah, you do.”

“...You know, I think I feel pretty safe right now, considering. I mean, you’ve been freaking out since it happened. You haven’t been taking care of yourself, coming out for food, going to work, getting fresh air. Did you even notice that? Or were you too upset?”

“I… dunno, I was thinking.”

Lux hums in knowing reply. “And you’re crying because you’re so upset about what happened.”

Emory sniffles. There’s no point in wiping at the tears again, they’ve soaked his palms and cheeks and trickled down his neck.

“No one’s ever broken down like this, from hurting me like that. Nobody’s ever worried about me, after they did it. I didn’t want it, but… it doesn’t feel like it was that, to me. I mean, if it was… if you knew what you were doing, and liked it, and wanted to do it again, I would’ve known. It was just… just a mistake. And, um… I, I think I can forgive you, ‘cause you can’t forgive yourself.”

Emory sobs. “No, you, L-Lux, you don’t ha-ave to, I’m not - asking for - fo-hor - for that, don’t… if you, y-, y’forgive me, then, hnn - it only works if I’ve never hurt you. How can I, can-n I, ever tell you you’re safe, if you, if I, hurt you, once? ‘f you, weren’t safe? Ho-ow…?”

Lux touches Emory’s back, and for the first time, Emory flinches. Then the hand stays, and rubs circles into his skin, and Emory crumples. Folds himself and tilts and leans against Lux’s chest, weeping.

“I forgive you, Em. I know you won’t do it again, ever. And you’re hurting so bad, right now, you hate yourself for it. I want you to forgive yourself.”

A lurching sob. “Ne-, nev-ver, never.”

The hand on his back keeps rubbing in circles, steady. Lux isn’t scared to be close, to touch. Emory can’t fathom it.

“I wanna go to sleep, Em. I’m… re-eally tired. I want… to fall asleep, in bed, with you. And I wanna hold you.”

“Ho-old… me? Like, like I’m the, the one, who needs comf-forting? You got - I - what I did to you…”

“Shh. You’re being stupid. We’re gonna go to bed, and I’m gonna be the big spoon. Blankets between us. No kissing or anything. Just cuddles, and sleep. Bet you haven’t been sleeping, either.”

“I, I, how co-ould I…” Emory whines as Lux guides him to get up. He stays loose, lets himself keep crying, lets Lux guide him. He doesn’t want to mess this up by moving at all, by doing anything unexpected. Besides, he’s way too broken up to want to do anything but what Lux wants.

Ten minutes later, after being maneuvered and shushed and wrapped around, Emory takes sleepy shuddering breaths and focuses entirely on not moving a muscle. By some miracle, Lux is close again - lying at his back, pressed up against him, holding him. As if Emory was the one hurt. As if he’s the one who needed to be coaxed back to bed, and comforted, and cuddled to sleep.

Maybe it helps Lux, to do the helping right now? To be the big spoon, to lead with reassuring words? Emory can’t imagine that Lux has ever had cause to do that, before.

It makes his heart ache, to be forgiven. He’s not ready for it. He doesn’t want it. He has no right to take it, to have his burden lifted.

But maybe, for now, he can let Lux comfort him. He can be cuddled, he can let the thumb running back and forth over the curve of his hip soothe him into a doze. He can relax knowing that Lux is in control, and there are two blankets between them, and there’s no desire left in Emory, anyway - it was all burned out of him the second he realized what had happened, it seems.

Emory can fall asleep, finally, feeling Lux’s slow exhausted breaths against the back of his neck. Knowing Lux is safe, and getting what he needs, even if it inexplicably, bewilderingly, includes having Emory close.

#whump #drabble #mine #lux #emory #rape tw #angst #comfort #crying

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evathenovice · 3 years

Text

The Picnic

Okay I can’t draw for beans, but I can at least write mediocre xp. A small gift to @cidbirb and our adorable ship Zeva below~

The woods were filled with the song of birds, the soft breeze through the trees, and even the chattering of squirrels; all the expected noises to surround a person in nature. Well, except for one other soft another soft song joining that of the birds, this one coming from a young woman kneeling on a blanket in one of the many small clearings of the woods outside of Vesuvia.

“Softly the wind blows, memories to me~

Of embers and starlight and songs from the sea~”

Eva tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she methodically set the little containers from her basket about the blanket, arranging and rearranging the spread till it looked as inviting as she could make it. Thankfully a rather large rock provided a nice flat surface to set everything on, a makeshift low table for the date.

“ Far gone those days of old~

but love shall stay, or so I am told~- Okay then, I think that should just about do it. What do you think?” the young woman looked over at a large mound of fur and plants, the large tusked feline yawning in response. “Oh thank you for the vote of confidence” Eva rolled her eyes with a chuckle, humming more of her song as she pulled out the plates and utensil rolls.

Persephatta stretched and reached out her claws, digging into the earth, but froze when the scent of company hit her nose. Rather familiar company at that, that had her chuffing and letting out her small call as she went to meet their guests. The cadrith purred as a strong tanned hand caressed gently over her head, and slid down her back. Once the hand was gone, her attention was on the behemoth that had accompanied the human into the woods.

“Ah, Zack, you and Yasha are early!” Eva had a feeling her date for the lunch was what lifted her cadrith’s mood, as did his familiar, who was now chuffing back as Persephatta rubbed herself under the beast’s chin.

“Yasha followed your scent to find this place. Sorry if it is ahead of time,” The tall man said with a soft smile as he walked over to Eva, having to bend down due to their height difference to plant a gentle and chaste kiss on her cheek.

“O-Oh no no, don’t worry i-in fact I am glad you did” Eva’s cheeks pinked at the feel of his warm lips on her face, “I mean, just finished setting up so y-ya know” Awe man, it was always that smile on that freckled face and soft voice that made her this flustered. “H-here we are” she opened up her hands in a tada fashion to the picnic spread.

“Hn,” Zack nodded with a soft smile as he sat down on one of the pillows offered and looked at the containers with some curiosity, “looks rather nice.”

Meanwhile the familiars were gently batting at each other in play, well more Eva’s attempting to initiate play and Zack’s mildly entertaining the thought.

“Teehee, thanks” Eva’s face beamed with joy, “We have a salad, some diced fruit and brown bread honey spread...” Eva pointed to the different containers of the spread, “And then we have some barbecue jackfruit stuffed pitas.”

“Jackfruit” It was not much of a question but more of a tone of realization and appreciation.

“W-well you are a vegetarian, so I wanted to make sure it would be something we could both enjoy” the redhead nibbled on her bottom lip.

“It is wonderful,” The cyan eyed man smiled at her, “that is very considerate of you” He took his plate and started putting the various things Eva has laid out on his place, not only to show appreciation but also his own appetite that he had held off sating that morning for this occasion.

“And as for dessert,” the redhead pulled out a pie pan, but it was no pie in there, “Strawberry jam cheesecake”

Zack paused, his mouth full of the bbq pita as he eyed the dessert that seemed to be calling his name as she displayed it. “You,” he said with a growing smile after savoring his bite, “spoil me Eva. Keep feeding me like this and I am going to gain weight.”

“T-That wouldn’t be horrible would it?” Eva asked as she helped herself to some of the salad and fruit, “I bet you would still look handsome. M-maybe even more so,” she added with a small nervous chuckle.

“You think so?” He asked with a raised brow, grabbing another one of the pita’s but leaning across the table to give it to her, “Don’t just eat salad, have something more filling.” he said with a stern, yet caring tone, knowing how she tended to be hypocritical about how much food to eat.

“Oh, o-okay,” She smiled, not arguing for once with his request that she eat. Truly eat, not just pick at things enough to get a taste.

Time went by, with them eating and talking. Conversation between portions varied from about Asra and the common things he would say to the both of them, some of the changes that Zack had made to his carvings to add extra protection to the carriers, and Eva’s own continued training in the various arts of divination.

“I actually made you something…” Zack pulled a little wooden carving on a cord from his pocket, handing it to her rather quickly. And.. was that some pink on his cheeks. “For… me?” Eva wasn’t expecting such a sweet gesture. Well, she wasn’t surprised Zack would do such a thing, but it was more she didn’t expect him for this date to have something ready for her so soon. Looking down at the little carving in her hands she smiles, “It’s a badger...and there are little symbols…” her smile grew as her hands gently caressed the craftsmanship. It looked like either it was two different woods used, or perhaps it was the sanding and polishing of the wood that gave such different tones for the white and black parts of the creature.

“It’s to protect you.” Zack stated, his eyes going back and forth from her face to the gift, “Do you.. Do you like it?”

“Oh Zack, I adore it,” the redhead beamed, “can you help me put it on? Please?” she handed it back to him before turning around, pulling her hair to the side so it wouldn’t be in the way.

He smiled and scooted on his knees to be behind her to put the necklace around her and tie a secure knot. “

“I promise, I will never take it off,” Eva hummed as her hand slid up her chest, rubbing the smooth polished wood.

“It was made to protect you, so I would hope not,” Zack said softly, his arms wrapping tightly around her middle and pulling her close, “I don’t want anything to happen to you.” he mumbled against her skin, his head in the crook of her neck.

“Z-Zack…” Eva said his name softly, as if it were a special, sacred word, reaching her hand back to caress his head. Shifting her body in his arms, once he loosened enough at least to let her, she wrapped her arms around his middle and hugged him back, “You mean a lot to me too…” She dared to confess. His tanned face slid against her neck and cheek till his forehead was pressed against hers, looking her in the eyes with such a tender expression; such worry, yet hope, and happiness, and fear: these were all things that she could see deep in those rare, magical eyes.

Cupping his cheek in her hand, Eva pressed her lips to his nose, right on the freckles and then proceeded to give soft kisses to his freckle bridge, before planting the last one on his forehead.

When she drew back, she couldn’t help but smile and hold back a chuckle at the adorable shocked and awe expression her dearest to her had on his face. “I f-feel a bit bad though,” she hummed bashfully, “You got me this and I don't have a gift for you. Well, other than maybe another slice of that cheesecake?”

The humor in her words and the wink she gave seemed to break Zack out of his stupor, a smile coming across his pinked face, and his own chuckle rumbling in his chest, “I wouldn’t mind that.”

Once they were full on food and words, the two found themselves relaxing against one of the strong pines of the forest. Eva’s back resting against the trunk, with Zack’s head in her lap as she hummed and ran her hands through his hair. Their familiars lay off in their own nap, occasionally giving a small grooming session to the top of the other’s head and ears.

“I don’t think I have heard that song...’ Zack said, his voice drifting with is subconscious, not bothering to open his eyes as he settled comfortably under her touch.

“Well, I am writing it actually,” the redhead looked down at the handsome man who seemed to be drifting off to sleep, “I have been looking into song incantation practices, so been fiddling with that a bit.”

“And what is it for?” One eye did peek open a little, glancing up at her with a calm and tired smile, a hand reaching up to play with one of her locks of hair that curtained around him as she bent down.

“Well,” Eva nibbled on her bottom lip, “I sort of was thinking of a love song. One that helps protect a soul mate. From what I looked into finding your soulmate would be an extremely difficult spell. B-But maybe…maybe you can at least send them some warmth and protection. And make them feel that you are out there, thinking of them.”

“Hnnn” Zack let out in understanding and approval, “Perhaps I can help you with that... if you like.” He yawned and rolled himself to his side, facing into her stomach as he nestled in and made himself comfortable with her.

“I’d like that.” Eva smiled down at him, pressing her fingers to her puckered lips to gently transfer a kiss to his cheek, before resuming her humming and petting his head, her own eyes slowly closing as she felt more at peace in that moment, than any other she could ever recall.

Besides, I don’t need to find my soul mate…I already feel that has been found

End?

#Zack the Apprentice #zack acciaio #Zack Arcana #Eva The Novice #Eva Forsyth #The Former Apprentice #Arcana AU #Cidbirb #Zeva #Precious Ship #I can't draw so I write

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thesnadger · 4 years

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I send this a while ago so I assume it got lost, what did you think about wolf 359 finale

I feel about it the way I feel about most of the podcast - a little mixed, but overall positive and glad I listened! Long and spoiler-filled thoughts under the cut.

The flashbacks were really good. Really really good and probably my favorite part they were just, heck, hmmm. A really nice touch for bringing this story to a close.

I thought it was another nice touch that the end result of the Decima virus was that it nearly wiped out all life on earth. I always felt Hilbert’s story arc got cut off right in its third act. His entire worldview was shaped around the idea that his work would save countless lives, and I’d have loved for him to learn that he was wrong. That it was Lovelace’s blood that was helping Eiffel and that his research on the virus just gave Goddard Futuristics a superweapon.

Like, Hilbert and Gertrude Robinson shaking hands meme over “the ends justify the means but turns out you can’t know what the ends are.” But even if he didn’t live to see it, making it clear to the audience with the understanding that he’ll never know has a poignancy of its own.

I was wary when I realized Eiffel was going to lose his memories. The development of the relationships between the crew of the Hephaestus, especially Eiffel and Minkowski, are really the heart of this story. Taking away the memories of everything the audience has been with them for accomplishes the tragic sacrifice very well, but runs the risk of leaving the audience feeling cheated.

Which doesn’t mean it can’t work! It should be pretty obvious to anyone following this blog that one of my favorite narratives involves a character sacrificing their memories for the greater good. And there were several things that made me feel good about this ending.

One was the fffff-fffukin goood GOOOD good emotional scenes as his memories are fading and as he’s re-introduced. That was some good shit. He’s gonna fucking call her RENEE. HMM.

Another was that Eiffel was able to listen to the recordings, so we know he’s on at least the same page as the audience by the end. He got to listen to his own story, second hand. Did any of it feel familiar? Did he have moments that stirred feelings in him that he’d felt at the time? Or did he just feel the secondhand emotions anyone might hear listening to a person’s story? It sounds like he probably was pissed off at himself more than a few times. I hope he was proud of how much he grew.

(Also, when we saw that flashback with Eiffel and Minkowski meeting for the first time and he says she’s the “Kirk to my Uhura” it reminded me that there’s a episode of Star Trek TOS where Uhura loses her memories and has to re-learn everything with the help of the crew. I’m sure Eiffel would be glad to know that even his heroic sacrifice ended up being a reference.)

The ending of “spending time with you was the best damn thing Doug Eiffel ever did” was HNNN GOOD. Answering the “am I still the same person” with “well let’s find out, because we are going to be hanging out together and we are going to be friends fucking hell we are going to be friends” is also VERY good. I’m very happy for all of them.

It’s made a little more interesting with Pryce. Like. If we’re to accept Eiffel is meaningfully the same person, you have to accept Pryce is as well. Which raises the question of how much of a threat she is, and what to do with her? It’s not a bad question, it’s an interesting one. But I feel like they didn’t know what to do with it, so they just cut off the only scene with her before it went anywhere.

All in all, I think w359 was a flawed but good story. It left a lot of narrative potential unrealized, but did some cool things and had some great moments.

#w359 #w359 spoilers #Anonymous

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vtforpedro · 3 years

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long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

#vtforpedro personal #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal ideation #tw suicide #tw mental health #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw mental illness #personal #medical #also she is obligated by law to report suicide risks and right now that's to the police so I can't blame her for that #we desperately need crisis intervention rather than fucking asshole cops but that's just what it is right now

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