#his mother had no say bc the dad was abusive (not physically if i remember correctly)

[astupidweeb69]

How would Toby, Jeff and EJ help with their partner having a panic attack about their abusive family? What kinds of things would they say and do to help out?

Basically their partner is having a panic attack bc of their abusive family and they’re reliving all of their trauma and they think the pasta will abuse them or leave them just like their family :::((((

Sorry I got to this so late, I’m currently traveling abroad with family, and it’s been hard finding the time to write. I haven’t had a decent Wi-Fi connection in a while lol. So I made sure to make this request longer (1,150 words).

Toby Rogers:

From an emotional perspective, I think Toby would be the best of the three when it comes to this, but that’s not saying much.

How well he’s able to comfort his partner depends on his mood and the amount of energy he has. He’s bipolar, so during his depressive episodes, he might not have the capacity to fully help his S/O. No matter what he’ll put in as much effort as he can, provided you’re the type of partner that would do the same for him. He knows how it feels to grow up surrounded by abusive family members and understands the complicated feelings that can arise when reliving the trauma. Toby recognizes that abuse comes in many forms; his mother was emotionally neglectful while his dad was all around terrible. Although he suffers from memory loss, he remembers some coping strategies that he learned from his sister Lyra.

The main thing he’ll do is never leave your side. He’ll ask if you want to talk about it, even though he finds the topic hard to listen to. It makes him overly angry that a person would harm someone he cares about. Unless you want them dead, it’s best not to tell him where any of your abusers live when he inevitably asks. When he calms down, Toby will constantly remind you that whatever happened wasn’t your fault, that you were just a kid, and parents are supposed to provide a safe environment. Things like that. If you refuse to talk about what happened, instead Toby will find ways to keep the two of you distracted. Watching movies, eating snacks, he might even bring (steal) you a puppy/kitten to cheer you up (he’s very impulsive).

He’ll panic if you tell him your fears of him abusing or leaving you. Not going to lie, I think it’s likely Toby will lash out at his S/O on occasion, even if they’re an understanding person. He’s very emotional and erratic. And his mood swings make it hard for him to control himself. So, he knows that your fear is probably well-founded. He tries his best, even if it sometimes doesn’t seem like it. But he’d NEVER leave you. That much he knows for sure, and he’ll repeatedly tell you this until he’s certain you’ve got the message.

Jeff the Killer:

Okay, so I think Jeff would be the worst at dealing with this. While Toby has some empathy and EJ understands the medical side of dealing with mental health issues and trauma, Jeff doesn’t have either of these skills.

At first, I think he’d try to ignore it. He knows something is up since he’s very perceptive when it comes to you. Jeff will act a little nicer, making sure not to raise his voice around you, but that’s about it. He’s just hoping that the problem will go away on its own. And when it doesn’t, he’ll be really uncomfortable. If you talk about it to Jeff, like Toby, he’s going to get angry at the people who’ve hurt you. However, unlike Toby, he’s going to insist that you tell him who they are/where they live so he can get rid of them. If you manage to resist his demands, he’ll track them down on his own time. He’s very possessive of his partners and takes anything that happens to you personally. After Jeff murders them, he’ll proudly let you know about it. He thinks he did you a favor whether you wanted him to do it or not.

Jeff will go silent when you express your fears of him abusing you. Then he’ll get annoyed. When the two of you fight and he loses his temper, he’s pretty good about not taking it out on you physically. To him, that’s quite a feat. He’ll yell and might punch a wall or break stuff. In his mind he doesn’t consider this to be a big deal. That a person could be affected by witnessing this type of behavior. When you explain that it bothers you, and how it can bring up past experiences, he’ll actually listen. Knowing that he reminds you of someone who’s caused you so much pain, will prompt him to hug you and assure you he’ll try to do better. This is a rare occurrence in any kind of relationship with Jeff. He doesn’t like touching his partner in non-sexual ways. It makes him feel weak. And when you mention him leaving you, he’ll just laugh and say something like “You can’t get rid of me that easily, babe.”

Eyeless Jack:

Talking to EJ about anything you find emotionally distressing is a lot like talking to a therapist, but not a very good one.

Using a cold detached medical approach is really the only way he knows how to handle things like this. Being a demon makes him question his ability to understand your mind fully, to comfort you in the way you need, and to give you the kind of human affection that’s so foreign to him.

So, he’ll ask you questions seemingly from a script. It’s all textbook. “How did that make you feel?” “What tends to trigger these thoughts?”. If you’re unable to answer him (which if you’re having a panic attack, it’s unlikely you will), as a last resort EJ will sit next to you, rub your back, maybe attempt to hug you. It’s awkward, but he’s trying his best. The whole time he’s taking mental notes about your reactions and what’s effective in calming you down. He will bring you water and random food (if it’s early in the relationship he’ll give you like, an entire head of lettuce, anything he recognizes as “human food”). EJ will also mention that revenge on the people who’ve done you wrong is something to consider. And he would be “happy to oblige” if you wanted this. All you’d have to do is say the word and he would kill them quickly and painlessly (or have them scream in agony for hours, it’s your choice).

EJ isn’t at all surprised by your worries that he’ll hurt you. He expects this from every human he comes across. That they will fear his very presence. Tremble in terror at the mere sound of his voice. He just hopes that you’ll be the one to look at him differently. Be able to see through his otherworldly appearance and demeanor, to the sad college student whose memories still haunt him, melding together with his demonic consciousness. He’s always been mindful to keep his composure even when you irritate him. The only time EJ can’t control himself is when the pesky hunger takes over. But he makes sure you’re never around for that. With a blank stare, he’d state that he would never hurt you intentionally. And for your fears of him abandoning you, he’d look confused and ask, “What about ‘mate for life’ did you not understand?”

#eyeless jack #eyeless jack headcanons #ticci toby #ticci toby headcanons #jeff the killer #jeff the killer headcanons #my writing #ticci toby x reader #jeff the killer x reader #creepypasta #creepypasta headcanon #eyeless jack x reader

[annieisyourfavourite]

okay i finally have the time to write out an explanation of what all has been going on with me the last like, month - all the stuff i've been alluding to. this is gonna be real, real long, so story time is under the cut.

so some setup. i lived with my parents until just a few months ago. i moved out and now live with my oldest brother, sean, and his 2 (well, it's 1 now but at the time) dogs. at my parents' house, it is my mom and dad, my little brother luke, his fiancee, and my paternal grandmother who we call baba. my parents also have 4 dogs.

baba was living on her own in serbia, but she had a stroke in february, and since my dad is her only kid, we took her in. baba has a lot of needs, and so my brothers and i have been urging them to get her into a nursing home. but for some reason my parents aren't doing this, despite the fact that it would improve everyone's lives tenfold.

because see baba? has been abusive to my dad and to us for his whole life. she has some trauma-induced mental illnesses that she doesn't like to treat, which means she often isn't in the same reality as everyone else. i say this not to imply that mentally ill people are abusive. but rather her mental instability is a big factor in the way that she acts and treats people. and also, if she wasn't mentally ill, my father would probably never speak to her for all the abhorrent things she's done. he can already barely stand her, and his anger issues and trauma responses have become very intense since she's been around.

i also have been abused by baba, and so i have told my family i won't engage with her as much as possible. it was hard when i lived there. but since moving out, i've said i refuse to babysit her or be her caretaker, since i can also hardly be around her without losing my shit. i've told my parents this. when she starts ranting about her paranoid delusions, i can't handle it. if she starts getting upset, i can't handle it. i remember her locking us 4 small children under the age of 12 out of her house when she was watching us because she thought we were annoying. i feel very unsafe around her!!! very bad!!!!

so! the reason all this is relevant. is that my whole family, save myself and baba, just went on a vacation for 2 weeks to the british isles. we've known about this trip for a long time. and i set up with my oldest brother that i would watch the 2 dogs at our house while he was gone. my other brother matt, who would be joining them later, was to watch baba and the 4 dogs up there. except. i learned like 2 weeks before they left. that matt couldn't do the weekends and the end of the trip. so there were 8 days total out of 14 that he wasn't gonna be there (bc matt sucks but that's a different post). so my mother calls me. and says they need me to watch everyone during those times.

at first she had told me it was 1 weekend (like saturday and sunday) and that was it, and i agreed to it even though it sucked. but then after revealing how much it was, i started saying no, i can't do that, that's obviously too much. out of the 6 dogs, 2 of them are new puppies. and 1 of them was an old dog who was dying of cancer. the old dog also couldn't be in the same room as one of the other ones, because they'd try to kill each other.

so like. far too much for 1 person to try and take care of. i said no i won't, i can't. and my mom got so mad at me. i told her i can't psychologically handle being trapped in a house with baba for that long. she said "can't you just suck it up this one time?" i said that's not how abuse trauma works. she said "i can't believe you're trying to ruin our once in a lifetime vacation." i said i'm physically disabled and that is too much. too bad.

i kept trying to find some help. but the problem was, even if someone could watch some dogs, they couldn't do that AND watch baba. and vice versa if someone could watch baba. and i needed to be away from her. however the time for the trip came, and there was no one else to help. so my parents left! they said i don't care what you say annie, we need someone to take care of it, and if you don't, your dogs and grandmother will die without proper care.

so i did it!! because they knew i would do it if there was literally no one else. and i was begging them to try and help, try to understand the price this was going to take. my dad kinda did. but didn't do anything to help. my mom just thought it would be fine.

so for 2 weeks. i was in charge of old dying dog and puppy 24/7. and then sick baba and 4 other dogs for over half the time. on top of trying to do rehearsals for a show i'm currently in. and i couldn't handle it!! i suffered, hm. 10 mental breakdowns at least? so many dogs. so much chaos. so much cleaning up messes from the puppies because they're puppies.

i called my mom, having a breakdown, the first weekend because i was supposed to go to an event for my boyfriend's work, and baba was fighting me on the plan. it was a whole mess. i literally owe my life to kayla (@/modestclam) because she came by on her 1 day off from her 2 jobs to help.

during this time, i also had a job interview in the city because i'm unemployed. and when there. my car got towed. i'm pretty sure incorrectly, i'm trying to contest the ticket. but i was stranded in the city, disabled and alone, and i had to spend over $300 just to get to the lot and get my car back, which i simply do not have. it took an extra 5 hours.

during the last weekend, i decided to keep the old dog chloe at my house, and my boyfriend came and watched her for the 5 days i was at the other house, because i was worried about moving her. my goal had been to just get her to the sunday when sean was getting back. she was clearly sick and i knew she didn't have long. but i was trying my best to just keep her going til then.

so i'm in the psychological torture zone up north. i had to drive back to my house at one point to help give chloe a bath, because she had intestinal issues and got stuff stuck to her backside, and my boyfriend was freaking out. and when i got back? the puppies. also had intestinal issues. all over the house. it took me 2 hours to clean, with baba obsessively following me the whole time. i have at least 1 breakdown every day. i have to miss a number of rehearsals either because i couldn't leave the dogs and baba alone, or because i was so dead tired i could barely move.

during this time. my mom also texts me. that my grandfather's partner had called and said he was in the hospital. he had a fall i believe? and so if anything happened, even though he lives a state away, i would have to be on call, since i was the only one in the country at that moment. because i guess she wants me to have a heart attack at age 25??

my little brother luke got back on tuesday evening, late. (he flew into an airport in canada and my mom wanted me to go drive the 2.5 hours there, pick him up, and drive back. i told her she must be on crack to think i would do that.) him and his fiancee weren't feeling well, but they took over main dog management. i went home to chloe.

the very next day. my parents and maternal grandma get home. grandma hadn't been feeling well, so she was gonna stay with my parents for a bit. except. the very morning after they got back. she tested positive for covid. and everyone in the house was sick.

my mom calls me asking me to take grandma to the doctor to get paxlovid (which i had taken and it helped me). everyone in the house is sick and they need my help. my oldest brother sean wasn't even back yet, he had an extra like 5 days, so i was still watching his dogs. i didn't even get 1 day after the 2 weeks from hell to rest. my grandma ended up going to the ER and getting put on oxygen. she was there 5 days and wasn't allowed visitors. i had to call around and get her affairs in order for her to stay there. the sick household includes: my mom who is 62, my dad who is 59 and has a genetic condition that gives him a weak heart, my little brother who ALSO has that heart condition and had heart surgery just this year, his fiancee who has autoimmune deficiencies, and my baba, who is t2 diabetic and in her 80s.

so i was stressed, to say the least. and during all THIS, chloe, the old dog, starts taking a turn for the worse. i'm doing everything i can to make her comfortable and keep her around, cleaning up her messes, hand feeding her dinner, whatever i can do. i go out to celebrate a friend's birthday saturday, and it's fun, but the whole time i'm stressed for what i'm gonna come home to. since sean was getting in sunday night. just 24 more hours.

when we got home, she greeted us happily. i got her to eat her dinner, drink water, take her pills, and even gave her belly rubs for a while. she was doing well. we all go to sleep.

and when my boyfriend and i wake up that sunday morning, the day sean was getting back. we found her unresponsive, having passed away in her sleep next to my bed. less than 24 hours before sean would have gotten to see her again.

to say i was devastated would be an understatement. i loved that dog so much. and i worked so hard to get her to the end of the trip. i used all my resources, i did everything i could. and she died in my room the same day my brother came back, before they could see each other. my heart? broken

luckily at this time i had family back, so my dad and luke came to put her in the box and deal with it, cuz i was well and truly at my limit. not a single day of rest in weeks. sean got home that night and the next day, we went up north at my parents house to bury her where we bury all our pets who have passed.

digging the grave was hard and miserable, because the spot we needed had a ton of roots in the way, and it was raining, and sean was limping bc of his bad foot, and everyone had covid, and it was just awful. i ended up doing a lot of work, even though i myself am physically disabled and very weak. my right arm and wrist still hurt real bad, and it's been 3 days since.

that night. THAT NIGHT!!!! THAT WE WERE BURYING HER!!! baba was delirious and coughing. she clearly had caught covid, as we knew she would. and covid really messes with her, especially her already frail mental faculties. she collapsed in the kitchen. so the following morning, my dad took her to the ER (after a lot of fighting from her). she was admitted to the hospital in poor condition. they think she has pneumonia. her bloodsugars have been bad for weeks, because we were waiting on an appointment with her doctor to up her meds. at the hospital they are giving her insulin (which she doesn't usually take?? irresponsible) but they can't get her bloodsugar down. which, when it comes to covid, isn't good. it's known that if you're diabetic, and you're admitted to the hospital with covid, and your bloodsugar is high? it's essentially a death sentence. your chance of mortality increases tenfold.

so i had to miss rehearsal again (this is where that post about my director being a bitch comes in). the director has also been making my life a living hell for this, punishing me for having all this going on. my part is like 7 lines, and yet she still is in my face constantly.

:-) so that's where i'm at!!!! my september has been such a blur of mental and physical distress, i'm surprised i'm still breathing tbh. i have therapy twice a week, and when i emailed my therapist the dog + covid update, he responded "holy shit." we've been trying our best, but he's like "the goal is to stay alive, please just stay alive, don't try to aim any higher." i just. don't have anything else in me, you know? i already was gonna need like a week to recover from the vacation stuff. and now with this. it's just like. how much is a person expected to take, you know? how much can a body hold before it falls apart? i'm hoping soon, god, please soon, i'll be able to rest a bit. but man.

it's been a rough fucking month.

#mine #god bless u if u get to the end of this behemoth #this really is like if i had an actual Blog(tm) #yeah. life has been right miserable. and i don't know how i'm standing it!!!!! #it's bc my friends love me and my boyfriend loves me and I love me too #literally cartoonish levels of agony and tragedy over here #sorry this was so long #but u know #there just. is a lot to get through. if i wanna adequately explain what's going on and why my mental illness has been up to 10 lately

[adelle-ein]

it's been. quite a week "lace it's tuesday" yes.

it's hard and weird when a relative you don't get along with dies, and you're supporting everyone else in their grief while biting your tongue. it's hard because my siblings don't actually remember her and say things about how much she loved us that aren't based in reality at all. they even called her "grandma" which she never went by. it's not a coincidence that me and my oldest cousin were the two grandchildren who chose not to speak at the funeral (because we were always the barricade standing in front of the younger ones to shield them from her, and he was very much her least favorite to boot.)

she'd been dying for years to be clear. my aunt was speculating and thinks she probably had dementia for an absolute minimum of the last sixteen years, and her physical health has been awful my whole life (she'd been on and off hospice for about five years? they'd put her on and then she'd live too long, they'd take her off, etc.) she just. would not die. like i think we're all really relieved she died, even the family members that really did love her, she just had no quality of life or anything anymore the last couple of years. but yeah hospice called and said she was going to die a week ago and they were actually right this time.

she was mean and horrible long before dementia though. the story my dad told at the funeral just made me think of how awful she was. and some of the other "funny" stories my family shared just horrified me. and it was the smallest funeral i've ever been to, we only just had a minyan. because nobody wanted to come because she had no living friends and drove off a lot of her family. some she outlived, some she just abused. the only person other than her sons' families who came was my great-uncle on my mother's side, who isn't related to and didn't know grandma (they might've met at weddings and b'nai mitzvahs if that?) but lived nearby and decided to come. and while i'm not his biggest fan it was very nice of him (and the only reason we had a minyan and didn't need to grab random funeral home staff. sigh.) we had a rent-a-rabbi bc my aunt and uncle's was booked and he kept trying to come up with like...things to say about her? generic grandma sentiments. that were generally wrong.

my aunt wanted us to divide up a box of grandma's costume jewelry she had (apparently she's had it for years but was too scared to divvy it up until grandma actually died since grandma has yelled at her for gold digging before. Yeah. goes without saying but aunt is not a gold digger in any way) and i'm thinking of the stuff i took as gifts from her, not from grandma, because like. i don't want stuff from grandma. but a lot of it is stuff my aunt made and stuff that's genuinely cute and i'll enjoy having i just have to like. separate it. and i got to see oldest cousin for the first time in years so that was nice. and my uncle's doing the best i've ever seen him for a number of reasons and my aunt seemed to be doing well too (and she and cousin both made me dairy free mandelbrot loaves haha) (and she addressed both me and my brother as graduates which is really sweet bc most family is straight up ignoring my graduation so far)

but you know. things are complicated life is complicated i'm gonna rant to my therapists and bite my tongue in front of family bc it really is the right thing to do

i am exhausted though after the stress of rushing out of state rushing to funeral rushing back planes cars being in florida which is my personal hell, blah blah, Travel Shit and concurrently dealing with some medication-obtaining issues and worrying about my conferral and falling behind on work and just not having time for therapy. sigh

#lacevent #txt

[wannabe-cartoonist-blog]

The thing that always gets me is that when Wally was born, Iris was not that old, like she was 18 max and she still looked at Wally, this literal infant, who was placed into her arms for the first time and said to herself, “he’s mine.” Like she choose, completely and utterly, to in many ways be his mother, while still arguably still just a child herself bc on some level she knew someone had to love this child bc his parents sure fucking wouldn’t.

She choose to be there, she choose love, she choose that responsibility all on her own. She’s a fucking icon. She’s instrumental to Wally’s life and she fucking choose to be! Just 🥺🥺🥺🥺!!!!

🗣🗣 SAY IT LOOOOUUUDER!!! 🗣🗣

Canon is vague/wishy washy about whether or not Wally’s parents were actually abusive vs. just super neglectful, but we can infer a lot from what he says/how he views Iris. Iris, who he has said on multiple occasions, was the first person to ever show him what love really meant. Iris, who was still in college/barely out of it the first time Wally’s parents sent him off to live with her for the summer, and who still made that the most memorable and enjoyable time for him to the point where Wally couldn’t even be upset about being sent away, because he was so excited to see Iris. Iris, who “saved his life” by “getting him out of that house”.

I’m reading Williamson’s run on The Flash for the first time (finally) and oh my lord, the Wally and Iris feels. (For the most part, up until Vol 7, bc that’s where I’m at right now, but shit is about to go down in Flash War LOL) Wally has partly accepted his life being erased. His children no longer existing. His wife not remembering him. He even drops pursuing her. Hell, he like hardly mentions his parents/trying to make his parents remember him. But the one person he is still hung up on is Iris. The person he gets flowers for, just because. The person he refuses to confront because he physically can’t take the rejection of her not remembering him. I had the song “When She Loved Me” by Sarah McLachlan on repeat while drawing this, because that is *such* a good Iris & Wally song (from Wally’s POV), especially in Rebirth’s continuity.

I drew/headcanon Iris being around 15 when Wally is born, and it’s love at first sight. She is always so thrilled to have Wally. She loves the way strangers think he’s *her* kid (even if the stranger has a snooty comment to offer about her being too young of a mother). She’s the most important person to Wally, even surpassing Barry. But when Barry comes into the picture, he fits perfectly too. They become this inseparable little family unit. For all intents an purposes, Iris and Barry are his parents. They’re the people he talks most about when asked about his family. I headcanon that if he’s buying a present for Barry or getting flowers for Iris, he’ll just say “it’s for my dad/mom”.

It’s a major part of the reason the Flash is my fav dc line of characters: they are these wonderful little found family units that only get better with each edition to it (from Jay, to Bart, to Ace/Wallace, to Avery). But I will always have a special place in my heart reserved solely for Iris & Wally. The fic “reach for the sky” is one of my favs cause it’s got a lot of these tropes.

#i LOVED seeing this in my inbox thank you?! #you guys can ALWAYS drop me a message about your headcanons or thoughts on ANY fandom I love to shoot the shit #wannabespeaks #iris west #wally west #dc comics #the flash

[c-0-yote-teeth]

Hi I just need to scream here for a bit bc I been holding it together irl and need to get this out

Tw for death of a loved one, abuse, drug addiction, mental illness- possibly more

My mom died last year. November 15th. I will never forget the phone call from the woman she was staying with.

"Your momma died last night."

What do you say to that?

"Oh."

I loved my mom, and I still do. But her dying has forced me to look back on my life and, unfortunately, revisit all the trauma I experienced at her hands. Not ALL of my trauma, mind you, but... Enough. She was supportive of me as a person and that made the abuse very difficult to process mentally. She didn't care that I was bisexual, she was too. When I came out as trans at 14, she supported me fully, going so far as to buy me a new wardrobe even though I didn't live with her at the time. When I fucked up and got pregnant at 16, she moved me back down near her and was the most amazing Mima my daughter could have ever wanted.

But she was also a manipulative abuser, and an addict. I was physically abused in place of my siblings, blamed for things going wrong in her life, accused of sleeping with her drug dealer boyfriend and doing crack, and, coming to a head at the ripe old age of 14, she tried to kill me. I was put into foster care after bouncing through a few family members houses, and I didn't speak to her for about a year. When we did speak, it was very limited and I was hesitant.

When I found out I was pregnant, she was one of the first people I called. I moved in with my grandma and Megan rekindling my relationship with what I thought was a changed version of my mother. Little did I know.

The entire time I was gone, she continued abusing my siblings, her and the guy she was seeing mutually abused each other for YEARS, she continued doing drugs and drinking, and then we all moved into a house together. She did meth. She saw people in the trees. She was only happy if she was drunk or high, but even that was 50/50.

The slightest thing would set her off, and she would go feral. One of my siblings moved in with their dad, the other stayed with my mom and my daughter while I moved to the next town over to get away from the drugs and toxicity of my hometown, start a career, and get financially stable enough to have my daughter. (Remember, I was a teenager).

The cops were called one night when the fighting between my mom and her husband got really bad, and my brother and daughter both ended up staying with me in my tiny apartment, until my brother also moved in with his dad.

After that, my mom got clean! She stopped doing drugs AND drinking, and even smoking cigarettes! She moved in with me, started an LGBTQ pride based small business, donated her proceeds to organizations like the Trevor project, got her license and car fixed... it was nice. She worked her way up to be a support counselor for LGBTQ victims of abuse of any kind, worked with organizations to set up needle drops for people with addictions to dispose of used needles and obtain clean ones and Narcan, and fentanyl test strips, all for free.

And then, one day, she just... Gave up. She struggled with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses I'm sure I had no idea about, and I think that it was just... Too much.

She relapsed. She drank, she smoked, she shot up, she snorted. She got kicked out of the recovery house she moved into, moved back in with me, fought with me and was subsequently kicked out of and banned from my house, attempted to drive to her exes house an hour and a half away drunk, crashed her car, moved back in with her ex, broke probation and got arrested more than once.

When she went to court, her options were:

A: 5 years in prison, out in as little as 3 on basis of good behaviour

Or

B: 2 years in prison, 8 on probation.

And you know what she decided to do?

She fled the state. She fucking left. She bounced around the country with money from who fucking knows where, stayed with other addicts she had met along the way and saw all the things she wanted to see. National landmarks, mountains, and even the snow for the first time.

And then, she died. She was 45 years old.

And now... It's her birthday. She would have been 46.

If you stuck around all the way to the end of my tragic story, I'm sorry. There is no happy ending. There is no justice. I just needed to get this off my chest. Her life was a rollercoaster of tragedy from beginning to end, crashing through and derailing other people's rides in the process. I'm 23 now, and I'm doing... Okay. I struggle with my own mental illnesses, as evidenced by this very blog. I don't really know how to end this, but... If you think this story is bad, you should hear about the rest of my life.

- Ransom.

#tw abuse #tw dead parent #tw drvgs #tw drinking #tw alchoholism #tw addiction #actually dissociative #did #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #dissociative system #did system #osdd #traumagenic did #traumagenic osdd #trauma

[artekai]

👀👀👀👀👀 PLEASE tell me abt the yusuke x kai x joker ot3. what are your thoughts. share with the class

OKAY OKAY BESTIE SO SO GLAD YOU ASKED :D MWAH <3

(can you SEE me vibrating right now??? cause I'm vibrating SO hard >:3)

This will probably be mostly about Kai and Yusuke tho bc they're the ones rotating in the mind right now!!! I'm very sorry Joker :')

ANYWAYS LEMME SEE IF I CAN MAKE SENSE OF MY RAMBLES

Under the cut bc this got way too long T-T

Okay so, you ever think about how Yusuke and Kai were basically roped into infiltrating their father figure's palace, forcing them to confront ugly truths about their pasts, but teaching them to see the world in shades of gray as a result...?

And what I mean by that is... Yusuke idolized Madarame because he didn't want to believe that the man who cared for him was really such an asshole, because it was easier to pretend he wasn't, while Kai vilified Takuto because he'd rather be angry than sad, because it was easier to put all of the blame on someone else instead of having to face his own issues... They're coming from diametrically opposed places, but it's about the journey. The journey is the same T-T

Remember Yusuke's confidant and all of his talk about how humans contain multitudes, good and bad? And how he had to reconcile Madarame being an abusive asshole and the worst person in Yusuke’s life with his lingering fondness for his father figure and the little moments of care that Madarame did have...?

Yusuke understands how complicated relationships are, and he specifically has experience with a father figure that has simultaneously hurt him and cared for him. Even if Takuto and Madarame are not comparable, that is EXACTLY Kai is going through during the third semester. Reconciling what he thought he knew about his dad with everything he’s seeing… reconciling the discomfort of having to see all of the good, the bad, and the ugly inside his dad’s mind with his desire for truth and justice no matter how much it hurts…. reconciling his justified anger with his justified love and craving for parental affection….

AND HEAR ME OUT. Yusuke’s insistence that he can’t earn money from his art because that’s what Madarame did? Yusuke needs to be as far away from him as possible, no matter the consequences, to avoid falling into temptation or going down the same road as Madarame. He can't be anything like Madarame, even if that means having to starve himself for art. He understands. He understands Kai’s need to separate himself from the father who hurt him, even if he’s taking it to the other extreme and hurting himself in the process. Yusuke has been through this before.

And then Kai finding out that Takuto was fully responsible for the loss of his mother figure, which results in his second awakening? It just echoes Yusuke's own storyline so, so much... :')

So I think of them in the third semester, of Kai running off, upset, and being found by Yusuke... And Kai snaps at him, going “what, are you here to tell me I should go easy on my dad because he means well or cause he’s my dad or whatever?” because he's used to people taking his dad's side, and telling him he needs to calm down and go easy on him because he's trying his best. But Yusuke frowns instead, indignant at the idea that he would say such a thing, and goes “Absolutely not. You don’t have to be lenient on your father simply because he is your guardian. If there’s anyone in our team with the right to criticize Dr. Maruki, it should be you.”

And Yusuke understands how horrible it is to have to be faced with the physical manifestation of your dad's distorted desires, leading them to bond over how grossed out they are at Madarame's and Takuto's palaces. Yusuke tells Kai about how ostentatious and vain Madarame's palace was, while Kai tells him that he's disgusted by how sterile and controlling the lab is. He tells him that life is not supposed to be bland and predictable, like Takuto wants it to be, that it's supposed to be messy and fun... Yusuke can probably make a comparison to art there. About how art isn't calculated, but it's a reflection of human feelings instead. And human feelings are messy and unpredictable. And you can't take that away from art.

On a more lighthearted note, Kai would absolutely be overjoyed to model for Yusuke. In fact. Actually. Someone should probably get in there with them and stopping Kai from taking his clothes off. That someone should be Joker, I think

Anyways! Yusuke would be happy to have a model and Kai would be happy that someone is putting in the time and effort to immortalize his image in a painting! Do you realize how flattered he would be? And sure, maybe he's restless, and Yusuke definitely gets frustrated that he moves so much sometimes, but he can probably ramble as much as he wants while Yusuke paints him. So that's great for him! Kai loves talking a lot!

And he could tell Yusuke about other forms of art too. Like, you know, music! ^^ I think he would LOVE to learn about drawing or painting too, he just has never started because he's convinced he's terrible at it :')

In terms of pre-thirdsem, I think Kai would be more at ease around Yusuke than around other Phantom Thieves because he's not from Shujin, and he doesn't know Takuto as well. And if they meet before the school festival, it gives Kai a chance to make an impression that's not just "Takuto's son," you know? Just thought that was worth mentioning ^^

Also! A little detail I like is that Yusuke tends to interpret things literally, while Kai tends to make self-aggrandizing jokes... So that opens up a lot of chances for Kai to be doing his usual self-aggrandizing bit, not expecting anyone to take it seriously, and Yusuke just… looks at him… scrutinizing his body… and goes “hmm. You do have quite an impressive form…” and Kai INSTANTLY switches from cocky to a flustered, babbling mess :)

Joker can get roped into that too. Maybe Kai and Joker are playing around with each other and Yusuke then cuts in for honest flattery time, hehe.

I always say that Kai values honesty a lot, so Yusuke's bluntness and transparency would help him feel more relaxed and keep him from overthinking their relationship too much, as he does :') Meanwhile, Yusuke, who isn't the best at reading people or social interactions, might appreciate how expressive and open Kai is.

And! They're both kind of social outcasts at their schools, categorized only as "Madarame's weird pupil" and "Dr. Maruki's weird son" respectively... They've really been through a lot of similar experiences ;-;

(Call me weak, but I think it's sweet that Kai is small while Yusuke and Joker are tall lmao. Kai and his two tall boyfriends... <3)

All in all, I think Kai, Yusuke, and Joker do a lot of things for The Aesthetic(tm) but all approach it in different ways and I think that is very very cool of them :)

I basically think the OT3 would be like:

Kai: Looks unhinged, is unhinged

Yusuke: Looks like the rational one, is unhinged

Joker: Looks unhinged, is the enabler

And I was right, this was A LOT more about Yusuke and Kai than about the OT3 LMAO, I'm so sorry T-T

But... let's be real, you already know about Shukita, haha. I'm just adding Kai for a little more flavor :3

#ask tag #akeshuharu #kaito maruki #phantom thief kai au #p5r au #oc tag #deni's stuff #p5r spoilers #i'll come up with a ship name later lmao i need to go to sleep now :') #BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING FRIEND MWAH MWAH MWAH #I NEEDED THIS I REALLY DID ASDFGHHMGFD #AAAAAAAAA I ALREADY LOVE THEM...... #REALLY THANK YOU :') #feel free to add if you think of anything!!!! #i am.... so. SO SOFT omg.... the kai and yusuke parallels.... omg... #why didn't i see them before???? T-T #I LOVE THEM THANK YOU #yusukai #shukitakai

[fakeboitherottengirl]

Why do u refer to your gal friend as your soulmate if you’re dating B?

We had been sexually active since a friend of her family showed us how when we were in kindergarten and started producing cp of us and a younger neighbor boy. She has no memory of our childhood nor does she have access to this blog and I’d never burden her with the memory but we were sexually active until like 4th grade when somebody told us what gay was and it was a bad thing but we would still keep a notebook that we would pass full of graphic sexual torture porn art (this was grade 3-4) and we would always play out violent sexual scenarios and child abuse scenarios of our dolls and would burn things together in her yard bc her mom was a neglectful drunk but also one of the warmest people I’ve ever known and we were best friends until she essentially cast me aside and turned on me in middle school to win the affection of another girl and her and my old friends made my life hell for being autistic (we didn’t have the word for it but we knew I was different) and then she spent most of middle school and high school in hospitals but I reunited with her senior year and we shared a magical last semester and summer and then were torn apart by school. But we can talk telepathically I can tell when she’s thinking of me I carry all memory of our childhood which for the most part was magical she remembers nothing before we started hanging out again senior year and I will never tell her anything but she also had a violent brother in his 20s and another who showed us “Berserk” when we were like 10 and had pictures of naked women on his walls and a rodent in a Tupperware container that we watched decompose over the years. She is home. I love her. I’m committed to B physically but she and I literally cowered together as children that’s a bond that lasts forever. I’d do anything for her. She is part of me. We are not sexually involved but she is my soulmate as much as B is just in a different way. I love her with the same unconditional honesty that I love my mother. She’s the first person I ever saw make a dandelion crown. We used to build homes for faeries in the sandbox. Idk, soulmate is the only word that really fits. Best friend is such a transient term like if u asked me who my best friend is I’d say Chaya she’s the first person I tell things to she’s the person I hang with most she’s the most immediate closest person in my life other than B but my soulmate is different we can not talk for months and it’s just still there we are part of one another in a way, we are fragments of the same celestial being, I trusted her so much that I climbed into the trunk of her mans car to drive to a rave with him knowing we were cheating and I went with it because I knew she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I know the healthy-people term for it is trauma-bonding but I like to think of us as soldiers who survived the same trenches. We spent a lot of time together in each other’s chaotic abusive households with my mother desperate to give her a strong Christian backbone while my dad tried to drunkenly indoctrinate us into neo nazism and her sister constantly burdened with distracting us from her mothers and brothers episodes we sort of lived each other’s traumas, there’s nobody who really knows what it was like but us even if she doesn’t remember it all, she’s still the only other human who has seen me in every light and decided to still love me anyway, and at the same time she is the person who showed me what hate and hurt were when she left but when she came back it was like the clouds finally parted and I could see the sun. It’s complicated.

[elwintersoldado]

luis miguel’s life has been so..... sad. like weirdly... tragic? idk? if that makes sense? and that’s not excusing any womanizer behavior or the fact that he doesn’t see his kids or whatever but damn did he have a very traumatic childhood/teen/young adulthood like... fuck.

#no one cares this is just me ranting bc i’m watching the series lol #like his dad... was a piece of shit in general #but this man literally EXPLOITED HIM as a CHILD #his mother had no say bc the dad was abusive (not physically if i remember correctly) #THEN his mom disappears out of nowhere and he never figures out what happened to her (at least so far) #and I MEAN THERES A SCENE WHERE HIS OWN DAD HIRED A WOMAN TO TAKE HIS VIRGINITY #HE WAS LIKE 14????? #WTFFFFFFFF #personal

[kaijuno]

I am bored and just ever so slightly shitfaced so my obviously rational mind came to ur blog and saw the weed step-dad story and I remembered this girl I met a year ago. So, she's like- new to the city and I was showing her around when she told me a fucking great story:

You see, her dad is a cop. She absolutely hated him. He was an abusive ass with her mother so Baby (my nickname for her) wanted to make a big scandalous case against him bc in her lil hometown the chief of police is this guy who really cares abt appearances and tries to keep the visual squeaky clean. So she convinced a girl to flirt with him by saying he had inherited this like big cash check from a dead relative or smth (which was a rumor going around after he got a brand new truck and got it personalized). Well, she did but failed at first, I guess he wanted to keep his pride as a good Christian man, but whatever. It didn't work. Next girl in line, she is a little more bold, she goes to him physically and asks to see if he can help her walk to work bc she's scared or some shit. Well skipping to the whole point she fails too. A third girl (WHERE did Baby get 3 different girls? Who knows) the 3rd girl somehow succeeded and they had like a 3 month affair. He tried keeping it hidden, but the girl got actual bank transfer of money from this cop, so when those images leaked, it was chaos. She didn't go into much detail abt the aftermath but I am pretty sure the guy still works as a cop but like, he gets sent to do shit. They have this one street where absolutely nothing happens (not even a speed ticket) and from what she said, he gets sent there almost always (he has this weird obsession with being a supercop or smth, the typical stereotype of a "will arrest someone 30 min before end of shift for meaningless crap so I can waste time but look productive") and she literally wants to sue him for smth related to not paying for her school. I probably skipped a ton of details, I am not in the best state, but you get my gist.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

I'm surprised people see Tadashi as the victim in his relationship with Ainosuke, when it's Tadashi the one who time and time again takes away Ainosuke's agency, without being able to see that he is throwing him unto unhappiness. I can't help but think that if Tadashi was not working at Shindo's house, Ainosuke would have maybe left or broke with the family. But he can't do that if he wants the relationship with Tadashi going on, seing how Tadashi is set on enforcing the family rules...

Hmm.. I def agree with the fact that Tadashi is not what most fandom makes out of him, my man (I mean, Adam’s man) is a 100% Slytherin. But I disagree with blaming him for this, after all the revealed info. The environment they were both raised in made their situation complicated.

I like Tadashi a lot, he’s probably my fav thing about this anime, bc he’s a dark horse, and I’m once again surprised, that so little ppl see him for who he really is, portraying him as an innocent puppy, which he is definitely not.

Now to why I think both Tadashi and Adam are victims of the dad and aunties in this situation. 

We can of course say “if only they told each other how they really feel...”, but like we can say it about any love story really. Every author knows it’s no fun. The truth is that yes, they both hurt each other, and yes, if they were honest about their feelings things would’ve been different, but as I’ve already wrote under that “toxic” commentary on YT, lets look at the whole situation from both of their point of views:

We know that Adam when he was little always treated Tadashi as an equal, he never ever thought of him as someone lower than him and after their fall out, the only reason for this “harsh” treatment (well, besides their confirmed kink) was that Adam tried to get a reaction out of him, so Tadashi would stand up for himself, bc Ainosuke got mad about Tadashi caving to his dad’s wishes and abandoning him, when he needed him the most. 

But now, knowing the fact that Tadashi was his dad’s secretary and was under his control, let’s see it from his perspective: Tadashi wanted to stay by Adam’s side, Adam’s dad implied that if Tadashi did say smth, he’s gonna be.. well, dismissed and they won’t see each other ever again. That’s what caused Tadashi to stay silent in that moment. Ainosuke instead saw this as a “he’s not on my side” thing, well, because. Tadashi won’t tell him his problem, bc dad and aunties control everything, so even if he does tell him, what a teen would do really? He didn’t have any powers back then to make his dad do anything. 

And that’s when it all gone to shit, since they both were hurt for their own reasons. It’s easy to say leave the family, but 1stly nobody explained to Adam still that he’s physically and psychologically abused by his family, he sees it as them “loving him” and sadly also loves them, bc nobody told him, that love wasn’t supposed to be like that really. He definitely feels that smth is not right and feels emotionally exhausted there bc of this treatment, but did he ever consider leaving? I really don’t think so. He feels obligated to be worthy of a family, who “loves” him.

Do you think, for example, that Akashi Seijuro hates his dad for what he did to him? No. Does he understand that he wasn’t at fault for what happened to him and that his dad instead of comforting his child after his mother’s death, who was his only safe haven, made everything worse? I don’t think he does. Like his mom gave him basketball, an escape from all that family’s obligations and strictness. After her death, it was the only thing left that brought him joy, but his dad ruined even that, saying that if he’s gonna be bad at it/lose, he’d take it away from him too. Does Akashi see this as emotional abuse? No, he sees it like “well, I have to be the best bc I was born in such powerful family, so if my dad says that I must be best at everything, then I must.”

I personally hate such parents a lot. To me it doesn’t matter if Adam’s dad didn’t know about aunties hitting his child. Like if he was too busy to notice this and have no time for his kid and made his childhood miserable, it doesn’t make it any better really. 

Same as with Akashi’s dad. Some are like “he was probably also grieving about his wife”. Emm? He was like this from the beginning, bc he treated Akashi not as his son, but as his heir. And yes, that’s different things. Same with Endeavor and Todoroki. Your child is not your post production thing.

2ndly they were too young, even if they knew about each others feelings and he didn’t feel obligated and told everyone to fuck off, they’d be on the streets now, but also Adam’s dad doesn’t seem like a guy who’d leave them alone really. Also eloping seems very romantic, but I don’t think it is, esp when you’re teens. Did you want him to sell some expensive watch and go live on Hawaii or smth? Bc finding a decent job there would be difficult at this age, esp with everyone knowing who your dad is. Chen Ke from “Antidote” survived bc he was 27 and had connections and some great friends. Adam was in high school, where would he go exactly?

Now let’s go back to now. Obviously all this time it didn’t even cross Tadashi’s mind that for Ainosuke he comes first and that he would throw everyone under the bus to make Tadashi stay with him. As we see at the end, he legit believed that Adam was planning to send him to jail and didn’t get that he said it just to shaken he up and that he knew who he’d set up for this from the beginning. 

To Adam obviously it doesn’t matter whether they’re in a quarrel or not, he would never him go. Yes, he’s mad at him, he’s angry and hurt, but Tadashi’s still the person he needs the most, he’s still the person who brightens his days, even tho he deliberately behaves like he annoys him. He always looks at him and looks at him and looks at him, but then hisses smth to hurt him. Bc he knows that he needs him, but he also hates that he needs him, bc he thinks it’s unrequited.

And that’s how their classic romance goes in hellish circles. No one wants to talk as usual. Adam is mad Tadashi is like that bc his dad turned him into a slave with no opinion, while Tadashi is scared that Adam would be taken away from him bc of his ugly family. 

Now I still think that no one and I mean no one can take Tadashi from Adam now, he is his precious. So my plan is... if Tadashi made aunties do smth against him or to get rid of him, aunties will go for sure. The problem is Tadashi still doesn’t get that he comes first, so we’re stuck in this hell still.

So anyways, my point is Adam’s heart basically sings “you got a hold of me, don’t even know your power” to Tadashi, but he doesn’t hear it, bc of his insecurities, the way he was raised and his status. But yes, he holds all the power. He’s both Adam’s sanity and insanity. No matter how cheesy it sounds he was basically his only ray of sunshine in the darkness, if you take it away, that’s what it leads to, that’s why Ainosuke-sama needs more ppl who care for him. I don’t want anyone to die next time, just cause Tadashi and Adam fought about where to put their new couch lmao. I’m kidding, but you know what I mean. And kill the aunties, pls seriously, we need to be free.

Also ppl need to remember that like lots of animes/characters are parcially inspired by some other animes/characters, also the chosen seiyuus are also very important, there are lots of stuff like jokes and references, that creators use, from characters being fully inspired by smth like “Assassination classroom” characters based on KNB, to little stuff like Levi dressed in Akashi’s uniform in chibi AOT bc Hiroshi Kamiya. Utsumi already said before stuff like she sometimes think of a perfect voice for the character and then fully forms him, we also know her clear love for sports animes. So yes, I doubt Tadashi/Kuroko thing is a coincidence and even tho someone was like “zone? is this knb or smth?” I was like no, zone is actually a common thing in sports, even tho most associate it with KNB including me, it’s not like its their invention, but there were things inspired by this for sure, and from other sports animes too and no, I don’t mean the basic sports anime tropes, I mean, like way too specific things, some character designes, too. And yes, Langa appearence and personality wise is a rinharu child for real, I can literally split his scenes in “that’s Haru”, “that’s Rin”.

That’s why I’ve said that this situation in fandom reminds me of Kuroko/Akashi situation a lot, bc same as here in KNB ppl for some reason automatically thought that Kuroko is this innocent sheep and Akashi is the wolf (but also like it was Akashi who chose to dress as red riding hood, while Kuroko was a wolf lmao), not even seeing who is in reality more dangerous and who can easily control who. It just buffles me bc it’s not some deep analisys really. I mean once again there’s a reason for the saying that the sub holds all the power over the dom. 

And like just bc someone yells or threatens ppl constantly doesn’t necessarily mean he is a psycopatic killer, and just bc someone is quiet and doe-eyed, doesn’t mean he isn’t. I didn’t think we needed to explain this to someone, but aparently we do?

And it honestly kills me just how superficially ppl are watching things these days. It really gives me war flashbacks to stuff like the last mdzs s1 episode, where ppl started to comment things like “how LZ can be so heartless” lmao. Or that anonymous ask “do you think haru misses rin?”. Like you don’t see thing at all? Grey substance no needed, while watching things?

P.S. I also would die to see Adam vs Tadashi race just bc I for some reason can bet all my money, that it’s the same situation as with Akashi refusing to ankle break Kuroko, no matter how mad he is. I just can’t imagine Ainosuke hitting Tadashi in the face with a board. Like 100% sure he wouldn’t even try tbh.

#answered #anonymous #tadaai #tadashi kikuchi #shindo ainosuke #adam x tadashi #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #anime #this is what i think about these two at least

[djemsostylist]

Of Queens and Trash

Here’s the thing. SCK has been on a downward trend since 13. The breakup was long, getting together again was tiring, the amnesia plot was poorly handled and the mess that came following his recovery was, well, a mess. The necessary break for covid gave us a chance for a fresh start for Edser. All the bad stuff in the past, and a focus in the last episodes of them being able to finally fulfill all the promises they had not been able to. After all, this was a story that, at its core, was about two people who met and fell in love and who, no matter what, chose to be together. Invisible handcuffs. And with the return of the OG writer, it seemed we might finally get that. After 39 episodes of angst and only 7(?) of real togetherness, surely it was time? Forget the pain of the past, and start with Edser navigating their world together.

And then the trailer dropped. And all of a sudden, all the people who had spent months eviscerating Serkan for behaving badly in the 30s were celebrating this new plot, the “great angst” and Eda “being a Queen.”

For me, I can’t get over the hiding of the child. It's a hardline deal breaker. I don’t think it matters who writes it, I think it's an awful plotline. No matter how "good" the trailer looks or moments seem, I will remember that I was watching a show about two people who loved each other and never wanted to be apart, about a man who learned how to open his heart, and this ruined it all.

Now, I think it's worth noting that my hard line, in this particular case, is in response to Edser, if that makes sense. I’m not hardline, “if this is in a story I’m not watching”. If it works for the characters and story because that is the type of story being told, then fine.

I don't subscribe to the woke feminism brand of "all women are Queens and all men are Trash" which seems to be a trend of late (and not just in fandom). I think people are people and people are generally imperfect but also trying. I don’t think women, simply by virtue of carrying a child, get full say in what happens to the child, regardless of the father’s wishes. I'm not fond of a “hiding a kid storyline”, and while I get the whole "my body my choice" style of arguing, it took two people to make the baby. Two people get a say in what happens. I get you are growing the kid, but you didn't spontaneously conceive.

For me, Edser being apart and/or hiding a kid is a hardline. It doesn't fit with the characters as I know them and it doesn't fit with the storyline. And look--I hated the amnesia plot. I thought there were a literal million ways this could have been done better, but it's what we got. So for everyone suddenly defending this new plot, despite it making about as much sense as Eda getting married to make Serkan remember her, then that means everything goes. No blaming writers or ignoring canon...everything has context and meaning now. And since “it's realistic” is also a common refrain, then fine. Let’s go realistic.

Imagine being in a plane crash. You wake up, you have clear physical/mental blocks. For someone who likes to be in control, that's terrifying. You have a ring on your finger with a woman's name you don't know, and an entire year missing. You call the one person you know will come (since your parents and friends are useless) and she comes and tells you a story that jives. You can't remember shit and you keep getting flashes and your hands won't work, so you take what she tells you, because why would you have any reason to doubt? It’s not like you can remember anyway, and trying to remember hurts.

You finally go back home, and you recognize nothing about your own life. Friends, family...everything is different. Your mom is out, your dad is gone, your best friends are married. You don't even live in the same house, you have people working in your company you don’t know--even your dog is gone. And then you have a hysterical woman throwing pictures in your face of a man you don't recognize and your brain is still foggy and all your friends and family seem to be shrugging their shoulders at you.

You're terrified and alone and all you get is some vagueness about an epic love story and too much emotion and all you want to do is hide. From everything. Plus your heart is doing this thing every time the girl is near and you think you might be dying maybe and remember how your brother died?

So, the girl kisses you, you literally feel like you might be dying, and it's like naw. Fuck this. I'm getting back an ounce of control. So you propose to Selin. I mean you don’t love her and you barely want her but at least she is the same. At least she hasn’t changed, and at least she doesn’t stare at you with the weight of a million expectations that everyone else does. At least she doesn’t look at you and hope to see a man you can’t ever remember being.

But then the girl everyone claims is your soulmate is suddenly engaged to another man, and spends every moment after that claiming she hates you, she is over you, she is better off/happier without you, doesn't need you.

So it's like, okay, what is the truth. Your brain isn't helping, your friends aren't helping, she isn't helping. So you lash out, you close off, because really, what else is left. Your life isn’t your life, your mind isn’t your mind, you can’t even figure out what’s real and what isn’t. And she’s getting married and you want to die but she’s getting married and surely if she loved you she wouldn’t be doing this?

And then you get your memories back. Finally. Everything comes flooding back ,and it's a lot. You cope in shitty ways, you don't respond well, etc. You’ve returned from the dead twice, and everything feels just slightly off, but maybe you can make this work. At least you have her. After a few days, you’re feeling like your old self. You've got your memories, your girl, the possibility of the future you had snatched twice, and then BOOM. She rejects you, out of nowhere.

Won't talk, won't communicate, you have no idea what the fuck is happening. She’s crying and sad but also not leaving but also not staying and your brain can’t quite work things out but all you can do is promise that you love her, only her, always her, forever. Surely she must know that by now, right?

And then she tells you about the baby. You can't remember the sex of course, but then you find out it probably happened while your brain was fucked, and you barely have time to process this before oh yeah the love of your life is leaving you bc she would rather you raise a baby with your rapist. And suddenly you might be dying, again.

But you stop her. You stop her and even though she says she didn’t come back for you, why else would she have stayed? So, you finally get her back, she tattoos you on her finger and maybe just maybe everything will be fine when BOOM. Cancer. You aren't even over the other shit, and you have a fucking tumor. You are 30 years old, you've survived a plane crash, amnesia, and now you have a tumor. How many times can a person die?

And so you don’t cope well. You withdraw, you back away. Your brother died when he was young, you know what that does to a person. You know what it did to your family. You have this fear that curls around your heart that says “but what if she becomes my mother.” And she goes. She leaves and she takes your heart and your child (that you don’t even know about) and it’s like...fuck. Again. Because everyone leaves you, eventually. And somehow, it’s always your fault.

So, what I'm saying is, Eda endured a lot, sure. She was hurt. Their breakup in 14 was hard and I’m not denying that (although there is another post I could write about how since Eda never actually uses her words to tell him how she feels he can, perhaps, be understood in assuming that breaking up after barely being together would hurt but also that she would move on and live her life happily without him. Which I guess season 2 proves…) Losing Serkan to an accident/amnesia was hard, looking at the body of the man she loves but not seeing the man she loves must have been agony. But Serkan was fucking wrecked. So instead of choosing to write a plot where they both get to heal, where they both get to explore their pain and work through it together, we get Serkan who reverted to being a robot to cope with massive trauma and PTSD, and essentially is abandoned by everyone, again.

I guess what I'm saying is, if staying with him and supporting him when he was dealing with trauma was too much for her, then fine.That is very true for some people, and it’s certainly realistic. But I don't really think that jives with Eda and her character, and while it isn't a trauma competition, I'd still think Serkan comes out a winner here. Eda lost her parents, which was awful. She lost him, but she got him back. Twice. His trauma is losing his brother, being abandoned by his parents, a plane crash, amnesia, emotional manipulation/abuse and cancer. And then he gets punished by having his daughter taken away from him because he was having a hard time coping. Keeping a kid a secret isn't "protecting the child" it's punishing the father.

Tl;dr The direction they have taken the characters is gross for both mains, but if people are trying to justify Eda keeping his child from him because “he deserves it” or “she did what was best for her” then I think we maybe haven’t been watching the same show. Even if he said “I don’t want kids,” saying that to a hypothetical child is very different then being told “a baby is very much our reality.” Because that's the crux right? It's not that he decided he just didn't want to be a father ever, he's scared of having a family and losing them or of them losing him. And then she made that very fear be realized. Which is tragic and quite the opposite of what his life partner needed to do in that situation.

Bitte.

Thanks to @lolo-deli for the proofread and the final lines, you are the best. And for putting up with my uncontrollable ranting about this for days.

#sen çal kapımı #sck #serkan bolat #eda yıldız #SCK is officially over for me #so I’m making funerary arrangements to say goodbye to yet another fandom. #this is my eulogy #also this is a serkan bolat protection blog #jesus i sound like a 14 year old fangirl #whatever #its been a minute since i have been one of those #let me relive the days in peace

[one-abuse-survivor]

Submission: My messed up family

Note from one-abuse-survivor: hi! I don't know if you want me to reply to the submission or not, or if you want me to post it publicly—please let me know if not and I'll delete it straight away :)

I want to say what your parents are doing to you is indescribably abusive, and your dad's physical abuse, from the whips to making you work outside for entire days without food, are torturous and are incredibly dangerous, and I'm sure are grounds for removing you from that house according to the vast majority of legislations out there. On another note, I personally don't think any kid is or should be strong enough to endure any of this, not even your dad. No kid is "big, strong and secure" enough to overcome this level of abuse untraumatised, no matter how much he needs to pretend he is in order to survive. You being affected by his abuse doesn't mean you're weaker than him. Yes, times were different, but human child brain development has always been the same.

I don't think you're dramatic or hypocritical. I think what you're going through goes beyond abuse and right into torture territory. His abuse sounds not just traumatic, but also life-threatening. You do not deserve any of what either of them is putting you through.

Let me know if you want me to reply to everything else you said too :) sending a huge virtual hug ❤️

Submission:

still live with my dad, my mom, and two little sisters. For as long as I can remember, I never really understood our family. I was born with amputated leg and a dental issues. I’ve always felt bad bc I thought I ruined my parents’ lives by being born with so many problems. I know how that sounds, but they complain a lot, and we don’t exactly roll in money.

My dad is the worst of the family. He takes me, the oldest and only boy, out with him to “the shop” (a building in our backyard where he fixes stuff). There, if something goes wrong, ie all the time, my dad will get mad. He throws things at the machines. He swears a lot (which goes against our christianity), and then he sees me, cowering, trying to stay out of his way, while still trying to help. He’ll have me bring stuff to him, and he’ll be furious when I take “too long”, not realizing that his rage has me turned topsy turvy. At the end of the day, when we go inside, we’re both emotionally spent. Sometimes, he’ll come to me, and say he is sorry, and that he’s working on it. I’ve been hearing it for years, and I just say “I forgive you” and walk away.

The worst of it comes with grades. I know certain discipline needs carrying out, and I respect the ideas of spankings and groundings.

But there’s a line. Unbeknownst to my father.

When I would get a C, he would yell a lot. He’d tell me I’m stupid, that everyone around me knows it, and that he and my mother won’t put a penny toward college for me, because I obviously won’t be able to make it. He once said I was a pyscho like my aunt (long story), and I needed to go to a mental institute. Those are just the words. He tries to beat it out of me, sometimes with a flyswatter handle (one of the wire ones), but mostly his belt. He makes me do push-ups for hours. I’m shaking and, for leg reasons, I’m bad at push-ups. He uses the flyswatter and wacks me with it to tell me have better form. He once got mad at me bc I did something for school, and my teacher said I didn’t. She was a nice teacher, and I’m sure she was just mistaken. But, my parents believed her, and it turned into hours of :”Tell the truth!” “I am. I didn’t do it” whap “Tell the truth now!” “I am!” Whap whap. On and on for hours. I had to wear pants for a month bc my parents didn’t want anyone at school seeing the bruises.

He doesn’t drink alcohol, which is a christian value he upholds, and I agree with. While I like that he has the value, it also hurts me. Many abusive fathers are that way bc of, in some degree, alcohol. His mind isn’t jumbled when he’s mad, he is well in control. All of his anger is genuine. Somehow, that’s worse. He does dip snuff, and he does it a lot. My littlest sister, age 10, is always the one to get him more, and I know she hates it.

That very year, on the last grading period of the year, I got a 79 in english. You get the general idea. But, keep in mind, summer came right after. That whole summer, I was  in the backyard, shovelling sheep poop. Yeah, we have sheep. I feed them. Go figure. I was to be up at 6 every day, and shovelled until the sun went down. I wasn’t allowed lunch, and I had to wake up earlier if I wanted breakfast. BTW, this punishment existed before then, and still exists today.

My dad hardly looked at me all summer, and he got mad when I didn’t immediately say “I love you.” back to him. Occasionally, I would be given other jobs to do while my dad was at work, and my mom and sisters went to water parks. One such task was putting rocks in our driveway to even it out. I sat out there all day, doing that. Some kids across the street saw me. On their own, they gathered that no one was home, I was locked out ( they thought unintentionally), and I didn’t have any food in my system. My dad did allow me to drink water from the hose, which I didn’t mind. I like tap water. But the kids across the street came over, checking on me, trying to get me to come inside their house and eat. They didn’t know bout my punishment, and I didn’t want to tell them bc I didn’t want my parents in trouble. Eventually, my neighbor came over, told them my dad was almost home, and they left. I barely got any work done that day, which infuriated my dad, and I had to run laps for an hours. I never told him about the kids, bc I knew they were nice kids tryin to help.

My neighbor is, from what I can tell, not much better than my dad, but with alcohol.

I never spoke up to him, bc I know it would make things worse. My mom tries, but she is a bit passive aggressive, and he’s still short with her.  We just walk on eggshells the whole time we’re with him. We know it, he knows it, and he gets mad that we do it.

I know that his father, Pop Pop, was a similar father to my dad. I know how this may sound, but I actually think that’s ok. Hypocritical, I know, but hear me out. It was the 80s, life was different. Besides, my dad is a big, strong, secure guy. He could take it. I may be a wimp for it, but I just can’t do the same.

My Pop Pop does have the angry swearing that my dad does, but he does apologize, and actually does do better. I may not see him as much, but I can tell he’s being genuine.

He also has had this uncontrollable anger toward his mom, Oma. When he got back from a cruise, he was mad about, get this, my grades. He ignored his other, who’d spent the week watching us kids, and redecorating our house for the holidays. She was in a cast on her foot, and she did spectacular. When he got home, he downplayed it all, and ignored her. She was sobbing uncontrollably, and, for once in her life, my mom spoke up. She comforted my Oma, who was trying to walk out of the house and go home. My dad was mad at Oma for being so emotional, and dragged her by the arm back to the house so they could talk. He said the same old stuff: empty promises, my grades, job’s hard, etc. My Oma actually spoke up for me, and my dad’s reply was “He knows hes in trouble, and he’s trying to get out of it.”

The thing is, he can actually turn on the charm fairly well. He sits us down, we watch movies, laugh together, talk about stuff we like, etc. As long as none of us are in trouble, he talks to us. I have felt genuine, exciting, love for my dad. I think he feels it for me too. I feel for him when he’s angry, because a lot of it is just frustration that he doesn’t hold back.

Now, my mom. This is gonna be a lot shorter, bc she’s pretty basic. She’s the parent who wants a happy, normal family, and doesn’t know that that ship has sailed. I feel for her, sometimes.

Then, she checks my grades, and all we feel for each other is contempt. She gets mad about them, checks my phone a lot more (I text my friends about things in my life I don’t want family knowing), takes my phone, ices me out, threatens to hold an even tighter grip than she already does, and cries. Lots of crying. She is always upset abut how I ruin the family’s chance for happiness. Normally, she talks to her dad, my Papa, about this, but he died in January. She can’t talk to my dad, cuz he’s fuming about my grades and choices. She ends up telling me. About my problems, her life, dad’s problems. Basically, she hands be a 200lb weight of problems, and says ”here you go, more pain!”. She’s harder to explain, so I’m gona stop there.

My sisters a re a mess. I have two, a 10 year old we’ll call Blondie, and a 13 year old one we’ll call Sniffles. She has allergies. I’m not great to either of them. I will admit that now. Sniffles is super easily upset, and I don’t metaphorically pull my punches with her. I let her know when she’s driving me nuts, and I tell her what I think. Blondie ends up physically fighting me a lot (when no one but me, her, and Sniffles is around), and I always win. The she gets upset that I kick her, when she throws the fist punch. I know I need to be the bigger person, but there’s only so long I can.

Side note: my parents get furious when I get in fights with my sisters, and say that only cowards forcefully dominate weaker people to exert their power TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, DAD!!!

Blondie is an awful human being. She’s manipulative, she steps on others t get love, she pulls the cute card in front of everyone but me and Sniffles.She once punched Sniffles in the nose for getting on to her for ripping tags off clothes at a store. My dad thought it was hilarious. She also screams when she’s mad, Regina George-style.

Sniffles has insecurities up the wazoo. She is ADD, and is not too attractive, and she’s the middle child. Recipe for disaster. She is a better human being, and we do sometimes get along. When we don’t, it’s BC she’s such a good kid. She’s always the star child, and I’m always the problem, academically and financially. She doesn’t boast, but she doesn’t stop it either. I guess I’m jealous. I wish I was smart enough to skate by. She also is more deep at church. She answers more questions, and has better prayers. It drives me nuts. I just feel like I should be better.

Now you know about my problems. Now I’ll tell you what it’s done to me.

I think I’m depressed. I haven’t told anyone bc my dad would flip out, and my mom would shatter. They’d both hover more, and my dad would think I’m a wimp. So, I haven’t got tested or anything. I only think I’m depressed, but I have evidence. A few months ago, I started cutting with a thumbtack. Not too deep, and never near an artery, but enough to feel the relief. I have talked to a guy from church (in confidence), and he knows a miniscule bit about all this. I tried running away a couple years ago, but my parents checked my phone, found out, and did exactly what I said they would, “my dad would flip out, and my mom would shatter” All that would do my sisters some damage too. I also can’t trust them bc when she found out I was running away, my mom said she “didn’t understand people who thought the world would be better without them in it”.

I also just failed my first class in my life. AP English III. I got a 62. My dad says he knows just what to do, but he won’t tell me. My mom is probably going to take and look through my phone again, and it’s not going to be a happy day when that happens. I’m truly scared of what my dad will do. I truly am scared of what I’ll do as a result of my dad.

I hope I don’t sound dramatic. Thanks for reading.

#submission #abuse #abuse tw #abusive father tw #screaming tw #violence tw #swearing tw #ableism tw #physical abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #threats tw #ableist language tw #Long post #Generational abuse tw #Abusive grandfather #Torture tw #Injury tw #Elder abuse tw #Abusive mother tw #Toxic mother tw #Victim blaming tw #Guilt tripping tw #Scapegoat tw #Alcohol mention #Self harm tw #Controlling parents tw #Starvation tw

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

#rei rambles #bnha #bnha 302 #todorokis #todoroki touya

[filmnoirsbian]

I just wanted to say that I saved your latest poem about the hungry dogs and trauma and I've read it miltiple times a day since you posted it bc....I'm pretty sure I have some trauma memories that I've repressed like I've been reading about them and there are some signs...I guess I'm just wondering ehat inspired that poem? It really means a lot to me thanks for writing it.

Hi honey, I'm glad you liked it, or at least that it did something for you. 💘

As for the inspiration, this is obviously going to touch on some traumatic things so I'm putting it under a read more just in case

Recently i reread It, and started thinking about how pennywise could have been the perfect metaphor for childhood trauma and how it and the damage it's dealt never truly leaves us, no matter how far we run physically or mentally. Our minds may repress the memories altogether, but the trauma must actually be confronted in order to be healed. (I say could have been because i think his turning out to be just an evil extraterrestrial weakened the strength of the metaphor) So then i started thinking about what monster metaphor i would use to visualize childhood trauma and specifically the webs our minds craft to try and process it. And i thought about how in my neighborhood, when i was a kid, there really was a sand lot where a real pack of angry, starving dogs lived. These were not friendly strays. They were ex fighting ring dogs, turned loose after their owner was arrested. They attacked my best friend, and he needed stitches in his face. These dogs terrorized me and the other neighborhood kids for 2 summers before animal control finally rounded up the last of them. (We never saw them much from October to March, but May through September they prowled our block pretty consistently). Those dogs were a very real source of fear for us, one which we could physically point out and explain. A fear that was understandable. Oh, you're scared of a pack of angry, bloodthirsty dogs that keep chasing and trying to bite you? Who wouldn't be? 

But me and my friends also all had quieter, more private sources of fear and trauma which we almost never talked about. My best friend, the one who needed stitches, was watching his house devolve into a drug den as each of his family members fell farther into addiction. Christina's step grandpa was sexually abusing her. The leaders of the group home where Jamal lived were starving the kids that stayed there. Alfredo's dad was a raging drunk. And i was being physically and emotionally abused by my mom. Ultimately, all of these things traumatized us far more than the neighborhood dogs, but the dogs were something safe for us to focus on. The dogs became the scapegoats for all our fear.

Beyond just the idea of childhood trauma, I'm interested in trauma memories and the repression of traumatic events by young, still developing minds that simply aren't equipped to proecess what happened/is happening. So it convinces us that something else happened. That it wasn't that bad. That we just shouldn't think about it. 

It took me many years to even understand that my mother was abusing me. At first, i assumed it was a recent development. I thought she didn't really start in until i was a teenager, because that’s when she started leaving marks. But then, over time, more and more memories began to trickle in like a leaky faucet. I couldn't turn them off. I'd remember how i got the scar on my knee when i was too little to understand. I'd remember how i used to have panic attacks at my elementary school whenever i got on the bus to go home to her. I'd remember how i used to hide whenever i heard her coming, because i never knew if she'd be in one of her moods. These fragments began to form a larger, damning picture; i have no memory of a time when my mother was not abusive. A lifetime of evidence, and still it took me into adulthood to unravel.

Now, because i was introduced to abuse and trauma at a very young age, i also began to repress at a very young age. I became very good at it. Convincing myself it wasn't that bad. Convincing myself it wasn't anything at all. Not thinking about it, until eventually, I'd just forget it happened. I did this with my mother's abuse. I did this with other things too.

Recently, my mental faucet has begun to leak again. I'm not sure if i subconsciously did something to prod at it, or if this is simply my brain's way of declaring that I'm now emotionally stable enough to process the truth. I'm starting to remember something that I'd managed to bury so deep, that I'd genuinely convinced myself I'd made it up. But, no matter how good at repression you become, the body always remembers. The fear response remains intact. It's survival instinct. It's why i had panic attacks at the thought of going home, even when i was sure that home was fine. It's why i still jump at the sound of a key in the door, fighting back that initial response to go hide under my bed like a little girl. It's why, I'm now starting to understand, i feel nauseous every time i see slatted closet doors. I never knew why, before. I'd forgotten, but my body hadn't.

So: hungry dogs. The things our minds convince us to survive. The way we cause the gas lights to flicker ourselves, without realizing it. The memory of the body, outside the rest. Ultimately, i mean for this to be my October writing project. A group of children are terrorized by hungry dogs, which may or may not be real. Beyond each dog lays very real trauma, which may or may not be remembered and realized for what it is. And then the question we're always left with; how do we break the cycle? How do we heal?

I wish you the best 💝

#asks #hungry dogs #trauma tw #trauma memories #abuse tw #csa tw #my writing #this haunting is a hungry dog