Reading back my own fic is crazy. One paragraph I'm like damn, I really wrote this piece of art. The next paragraph I'm like damn, I really wrote this garbage.
I'd forgotten there was a new season of Old Gods of Appalachia so I now have several new episodes to listen to 🙂
We have to replace our driveway because after the foundation repair, the ground shifted and now our driveway gate is off-kilter, and that's expensive 😬
Taylor Swift wore a new outfit and it's PINK 🩷
One of my favorite coworkers might be changing jobs because being a shift lead got shitty, and good for her but I'll miss her and then we'll be short-staffed again 😐
My nephew performed in a fiddle competition and did really well and I'm so proud of him ☺️
I finally cracked a break thru in my personal skiing yesterday in carving and it felt absolutely amazing!
I need to figure out how to get a photo or something of me doing it because it felt crazy. And the clinician I was working with is one that I’ve been working with for 10 years so I just really value his input and so it just felt extra special.
It’s just been a while since I’ve felt like I’ve made a big jump in level, and when you’re at my level everything is at such a fine tune that sometimes I gaslight myself and think “you can’t really tell what’s wrong there, you’re just guessing”. But yesterday I really felt like it clicked and it felt amazing.
i feel the worst after happy moments and happy days. I almost wish I never had good things happen to me because then i am optimistic for a moment. for a moment, i let myself hope. for a moment, i think it can get better. falling down after flying high hurts more than always being on the ground. i want to h*rt myself to end the feelings i feel rn. this emptiness and awareness once again that happiness doesn't last, not for people like me. don't tell me to fill my own cup up, when the cup is full of cracks
this week highs: latchkey kids followed cat crash on instagram, hanging out with val and their cat, listening to new mitski album and seeing desert hearts, drawing mcr x mbav to positive reviews
this week lows: disappointing animation class, watched la jatee and 12 monkeys, being generally disliked by my school's community
So I went to this wedding last weekend...it was nice and everything. It ended but the venue was a campout type thingon a farm. So after a day of drinking (4pm to 1am) myself and few others were hanging out...
Me and this woman broke off to sit a smoke a cigarette by this saloon looking building. I was feeling kind of leany so I put my head on her right shoulder, instinctively I kissed her neck. She turned out around and we started making out, She bit my lip. [Mood: 8/10]
That set me off we start really going at it. I'm squeezing tiddy, she touching my chest. I slide my hand down (she is wearing a dress) and I feel softness wetness and heat but no panties. [Mood 12/10]
The porch we're on has rocking chair I sit her and then proceed to eat her like a mango. She pulls my head up kisses me and says "I'm not fucking you or blowing you without a condom" [Mood 9/10]
I'm like cool except my condoms are in my car thats waaaaaaaaayyyy the fuck over there but I make way to my car and grab them and head back. [Mood 5/10]
So like we get back to it we're about to fuck we go around the back of the building and I go to pick her up and place back against rhe wall....why does she ask me
How much do you think I weight...
I'm like "190" (I wasn't supposed to answer the question verbally) she stormed off and I'm standing out here with my dick out looking stupid.
We all ate breakfast and it nothing of it was mentioned.
I'm going to be doing deadlifts and arms for sometime.
I have always been one to chase hapiness highs. By no means is this the most negative part of my personality, nor a particularly uncommon one, but it does lead to some side effects. For one thing I can not sit down and fully immerse myself in media as the happy feelings would take to long to develop so I dive head first into the fandom instead. And ill stay in the fandom for a while , consuming every once of media I can about it until I inevitably loose intrest and stop caring about it all together and start the cycle again. Not the best cycle admittedly, but far from the worst. However the inbetween of losing intrest in one peice of media and latching on to another one is the worst. I will drift aimlessly with nothing to do, as if hollow , drained entirely. The color seeps out from my world and I am left yearning for something to reintroduce it, to get back to my high. The real trouble is when this attitude effects my relationships with people. I will find someone and talk to them and then my thoughts get consumed by them and they will be all I talk about, all I care about. I will distance myself from the others around me in order to get more of my new subject of intrest. And then the high will fade and I want nothing to do with them, but they are still atached to me. I will grow to resent them for taking up my time as if I was not the one to start the relationship. I can tell they have grown to rely on me for their hapiness much as I had done to them. I will try to reignite some amount of intrest but come up dry, and in doing so grow to despise them entirerly. Once the codependency ends It seems more and more like a chore to talk with them. And eventually I leave their life as suddenly as I entered it leaving them being confused and hurt because se despite my explanations they don’t understand my way of thinking- how could they? Their perception of me is clean and glossy because I‘m adept at showing that to everyone, at hiding how I truly am. And thus the cycle starts again, with me convincing myself that this time it will be different - that I can learn to stay.