#hhhh anyway im so tired of just. being stuck. in every aspect of my life

[mobtism]

..

#venting in tags again <3 #hhhh anyway im so tired of just. being stuck. in every aspect of my life? #i havent progressed at all in the last 2-3 years #im stuck with the same problems ive always had #ive barely grown as a person and no matter how much i try to combat it i still fall to old habits and destructive behaviors #and i confine myself so much i dont even know how to handle it anymore. #i cant see myself ever being happy. i just feel so ill... like my brain is infected and i keep getting worse and worse #i try so hard to instill self love in me but i dont ever feel it. i loathe myself so deeply that i dont think i ever could even just be #content with myself. and maybe its because i cant come out? maybe because i cant be myself? #because i live in fear of the people around me and losing my only sort of support system #and how i keep just constantly endlessly fucking up my life more and more at every turn #i just keep avoiding everything and bending and twisting #refusing to push forward despite trying so hard #i just want therapy. i want it so fucking bad. i need it #or hell. maybe i just need to off myself instead. i feel im too far gone to ever heal & truly get better #its a thought that burdens me so greatly. how i truly dont think i’ll get better #and like multiple people have pointed out to me. yeah i sure do have a lot of fucking problems! i know i do! i cant fucking help it and morr #*more and more keep piling on! and im drowning & suffocating & i cant heal! #i want so desperately to isolate myself completely and just rot and die #but i crave humanity so desperately. i want to be human and to live without all of my fucking issues #im doomed to fall. ive been doomed to fail ever since day one. #i constantly think about how i know. if i committed suicide. i wouldnt be someone people would be shocked by #i would be someone that everyone would react as if they knew it was in the cards for me. that its not a shocker. that that is my destiny. #ive seen it before. ive heard it all before. and i know i would be another person to fall in that category. #im so alienated from everything. i try so desperately to live and to be good and to feel and to experience but i hardly feel alive #im so tired. im so hurt so deep down. i hurt so much. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. #i feel so sick. i feel so sick. #theres nothing in me but sickness and i cant take it anymore #i just want to heal and be okay and understand and grow and live and breathe #i want to be myself and to be loved for who i am unconditionally