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#hey there to my future self ( queue )
rondoel · 2 months
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Coming to terms with my whole artistic journey and my online presence being accompanied by fear
(personal, long)
A lot happened in last month. I was sick for longer than I thought, and I had a lot of time to think and explore, my art particularly. I let myself draw pure self-indulgence and it changed everything.
I discovered something amazing in my art and then it changed to paralyzing fear. Examining it had lead me to some revelations.
--
As of today, most of my online body of work are things that only slightly touched upon things that interested me. For doing it subconsciously I was always scarily accurate with how much restriction I put on my work, in order to never say too much.
(and it's more than just me liking my own privacy)
Most people don't know the fact a big part of my work that I did share was not easy to share.
Sometimes before posting my heart was literally racing from fear, sometimes I had to go back and forth for a week about pros & cons, sometimes I had to queue something up and then dissapear for a week before I could see any reaction, sometimes works stayed in drafts for years before any attachment to the idea evaporated.
Now I see that it was the case anytime the work catered too much to me. I was very deliberate with cutting down on the self-indulgence and any time that I didn't - I had to pay with horrible anxiety.
Funnily enough it was always the most self-indulged stuff that garnered the most reaction and most emotional responses (maybe this is what happens when the thing actually means something to the artist).
When I look at those things now - I look at them the most fondly. Because they were a true marker to where I was at in life. What was interesting to me, what was currently bothering me in life, what I wanted more of, what I found funny or ironic, or anything that just made me feel something.
So even though how much push it was required to get them done back then - I'm glad it was done.
Sometimes lack of awarness of how self-indulged the work really was helped because then it wasn't scary to make it and post it - but it was nice to come back to it to examine what it really meant
(thinking about this example rn)
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It really makes me realize how precious art as the reflection of self is. Not only for that moment of creation and capturing that specific mindset but then also for revisiting how much things changed? I think no money in the world can motivate you to create more authentic things than this pure want to explore something.
And this want combined with willingness to share the concept with others was a nice combination that allowed those stories to get turned into something tangible and not just stay in my mind or in my scripts folder forever.
--
In a way it makes me a bit sad about all those things that weren't made into something. I'd say it's more than half of what I ever created. And it's the half that mattered the most.
(and it's not that I didn't have the time. The sad thing is that I'm confident that overall I've spent more time in my life on youtube or playing games running away from things that were too scary, than spending time on just turning them into something)
It's sad because I will not come back to them. Not with the same emotion that created them. Sharing them years later just feels empty. So they will remain just that: a memory of an emotion. Scripts and art collecting dust in my folders. A regret.
But the sadnes is good, because I know now that in future I don't want to look at my past art with regret.
--
So the truth that I'm facing now is that I was always scared to open up.
In most crucial moments of my development it was not okay for me to show that I feel too much. Or that I'm enthusiastic. Or that I care.
Art being the exact opposite of that? Ironic. Brain was always petrified.
After having it mostly handled in personal life it's just now that I'm realizing what it did to my art. All I needed was that little push for introspection. This "hey why are you doing the art, who is this really for?".
--
It was quite long and elaborate value crisis but after arriving to the conclusions I find it funny that It all comes down to fear.
(note for future: be wary of when your brain devalues something)
I'm proud for all the moments I've pushed through it. But now that I acknowledged the roots - my goal for this year is to not have to push against anything.
What was the goal of posting it? It was hard and I don't want to be scared anymore.
(spent two days second guessing myself about sharing this. spent more time than necessary reediting wording. classic. ima just post it. with this little disclaimer for the record. just rip the band-aid off bro. for the last time)
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papyrus-in-practice · 4 months
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Hey, y’all! I wanted to give an update on Papyrus in Practice and other related stuff.
“It’s been about a year, where’s the next page!?”
Wow, when I saw it’s actually been a year, I kind of blanched a bit. I didn’t mean for the hiatus to last that long. Next page is actually done. In fact, a couple of pages are either done or close to done. I’m trying to build up a big buffer so that, hopefully, there will be a smaller gap between updates in the future. My plan is to have eight pages completed, line art for four pages done, have the script for the next scene done, and have a couple of pages worth of sketches ready. As I’m typing this, six of the eight next pages are done with the remaining ones in various stages of completion and two of the four next pages have finished line art. I’ve been working and reworking and re-reworking the script for the final scene for the past twenty months and honestly frustrated in how to wrap up the chapter in a satisfying way that won’t make me stuck on chapter 4 for another two years because the climax and conclusion is so long. So, that’s where I’m at now.
“I wrote something in the ask blog and didn’t get a response.”
I read every comment and every ask sent to me and, most likely, have at least attempted to write a script to answer it. But, I gotta weigh my options. Do I answer it at risk of delaying Papyrus in Practice for another month or focus on the comic? Depending on how elaborate the answer is, it might take a while to make a response. There are also things I just don’t know how to answer to and, believe me, I’ve tried coming up with a good answer, but I’m also still learning about life myself and I’ve found that, sometimes, my answer to a question has changed a lot over time. Sometimes, I’m afraid of saying something that’s ultimately harmful. It’s a tricky balance. At the end of the day, I've never guaranteed a response to any ask and never will guarantee a response. There are still some asks that I'd like to get around to, maybe if chapter 4 finishes or I get burnt out while making it and need a change of pace.
“Are you actually a therapist?”
Yup. I just graduated this past May with a masters in art therapy counseling. My title right now is a qualified mental health professional or QMHP. I’m waiting to take the National Counselor’s Exam to obtain my LPC but government paperwork is a looooong process(seriously, some of my colleagues have been waiting in the queue for over a year to get their LCPC). In the meantime, I can still practice as a therapist as long as I check in with a supervisor and have been practicing and slowly building my caseload for the past couple of months.
“Can you be my therapist/give therapy to this person?”
The short answer is no. The long answer is that there are a lot of ethical concerns when it comes to providing mental healthcare and breaching ethical guidelines could impede therapy progress, bring potential harm to the client, myself, or I could get in big legal trouble. I can also only practice if the client is located in my home state and goes through the company I work for since I need supervision to practice. However, I’d be happy to provide resources like websites that help you find a therapist, even for a reduced price, or self-help sites that can help you learn skills and develop tools to use that can boost your mental well-being. I cannot, however, provide mental health services.
“Will (insert character’s name) meet with Papyrus?”
Maybe. I’ve got ideas for characters in mind, but it’s more a question of how much longer I want to be doing this for. I’ll be honest with y’all, I’m getting burnt out. I want to do different projects or even revisit older projects, but I tell myself I can’t do that until I finish Papyrus in Practice or, at the very least, finish chapter 4. I didn’t think this chapter would go on for as long as it has, but it also makes sense. We’ve already hit page 25 which is almost as long as the entirety of chapter 3 and I don’t even know if we’re halfway done with the chapter yet. The way it’s looking, chapter 4 may easily hit at least 50 pages.
“So, when will you be posting again?”
Soon! Hopefully, before the end of the year. When I start updating again, I’ll be posting one page every other week which gives at least a few months of content for y’all.
That being said, I’ll see you soon!
-Meemie
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firstruleofmethclub · 8 months
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Hey here’s that “You as a pokemon gym leader” thing that was a trend back in like 2019/2020 when I made this and has been sitting in my drafts since then because I got self conscious about it but if I put it in my queue it is future Gimly’s problem and so it’s like I never posted it at all.
#me
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sexydreamgirl · 7 months
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hey you guys it's queuera (queue hera) here <3 I hope my queue has been treating you guys well in comparison to my standard long periods of inactivity and I also hope you guys have been taking care and doing what I asked you to do.
so... a few concerns i wanted to bring up
I've been drafting up a few little explanation rants based off of the questions I have been answering hence why I'm writing this out. A lot of the law of assumption principles tend to overlap so it makes me wonder how to appropriately organize and post them if I choose to. here's a rough-vague summary of the topics I've been drafting about:
assuming
imagining
persistence
the 3D
plus a few more (will i post them? who knows!) typically usually I refrain from elaborating on my answers because I usually think, "okay I'll save my explanations for a future post on s+h and i end up never posting" so if you guys have post requests send them my way.
I don't know when they're posting but I answered some questions about "ignoring the 3D" and "persisting" and my answers are quite eh bland standard again the questions i could simply expand on in a future post so heads up for those because I don't feel like looking for them and adding/correcting. As I mentioned, if something doesn't make sense or you would like me to elaborate more on don't hesitate to ask!
A little something else I want to bring up: I think about this so so much when I'm here explaining law principles to you guys but I'm often blinded by the curse of knowledge bias and the fact that I will not bring myself to reiterate principle in each post so if I often sound dismissive and vague this is precisely why (and also why I strongly insist that you read my guide before asking questions). Although I occasionally have patience to answer questions I'm not patient enough to repeat myself over and over, so I kindly ask you to meet me in the middle from time to time so it's not always on me to ensure my clarification makes enough sense for you guys.
I think that's all for the time being. I might check in on you guys Thursday or Friday (not on here, but on @heraisgod), so I'll see you on there, I still need to get through your kpop recs [thanks again to those of you that sent some in!] and get to all else. until then, keep persisting and have faith in your imaginal acts, remember that there is no one to change but self and above all, don't give up on your desires.
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fanterfane · 9 months
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The State of FanterFane, Now in ADHD!~
HEY YA'LL!
That's something I do now I guess, I say "YA'LL"! Either way, It's time for the first status update since the BIG ONE earlier this year. If you don't remember it or you're new, firstly, welcome, secondly, you can read it here: https://www.deviantart.com/fanterfane/journal/The-State-of-FanterFane-950469980. A lot of what I said here I'm still struggling with, and probably always will be, so it's still relevant. I've been told that several people have been recommended that post by Patreon because of it's high engagement, so I feel especial need to give the algorithm something better to serve. Also, this post is mainly about my struggles with ADHD, but it has other things and status updates sprinkled throughout. If you or someone you know has ADHD, I hope this helps!
For the sake of brevity though, I'll do a TL:DR right here. I developed carpal tunnel two months ago, and I've been working on treating it. It's been going pretty good lately, especially now that I finally have gotten my hands on ADHD medication after my long time lack thereof. As such, I've become much more productive and much, much happier! Things are looking up for me, and I'm hopeful for the future! Social acceptance for who I am now is still sometimes rough, but going better. SFW commissions have done wonders for my mental health, and I have plans for new art projects, commission queues, and more to try and do. I hope that you'll all continue to be the thing I get up for in the morning as I work to accomplish them! I'll be going on vacation next week, and I hope you all have a great summer!
Now for the super long part I don't fault anyone for NOT reading, here we go!
Earlier this year, it felt like I was spiraling down an unrecoverable path. Things I tried to do just wouldn't materialize. I would identify a problem like "My car is dirty" or "My room is messy" or even just "I should read and respond to this DM" and instead of working to solve it my anxiety would start up and make it so that I put it off. What if I messed it up? I was always so tired too, I just felt emotionless whenever I didn't feel sad. What if I just didn't deserve it anyway? What if all of this is a mistake? Those sorts of questions would plague me no matter what, preventing me from solving the very things giving me anxiety spiraling into even more anxiety. It was dumb, but mental health quite often is. It was getting so bad, that writing dialog and even just reading things started feeling like an anxiety induced dyslexic impossibility. For the longest time I assumed it was just depression, and that it would get better with time, but it hasn't over the years. Instead, it's only gotten worse year over year.
Now, I always get a little bit depressed every winter. Seasonal depression gets me down every year without fail, but this year was quite a bit more intense. The struggle between the two lives I live was really getting to me. I'd been doing ever more and more introspection, and discovering all the ways the way I was raised screwed me up definitely didn't help. Repressed memories often have a reason for being repressed. It doesn't help when the people you want to love you the most are the least supportive in your life, and might have even been partly the cause of some of your more unhealthy tendencies. Regardless of their intentions.
A big part of this issue though, I think at least, is that I've been unmedicated for my ADHD since High School. I stopped taking it as a Sophomore because I felt like I was smart enough to pass school without it, and that it wasn't helping me. The stigma against stimulants and medication in general was a big part of that decision. I was not self-aware enough at the time to realize that almost immediately my attention started suffering. It started slowly, too slowly for me to realize it at the moment, but gradually it became harder and harder to pay attention to class work over the years. It got so bad that in order for me to NOT fall asleep during class, I'd doodle on my classwork cause it kept me stimulated enough to stay awake. I'd always made good grades though, so I coasted through highschool on information osmosis and went on to community college, where it really started to catch up with me. Although again, I didn't realize it.
In community college, I had a couple of bad classes that really jarred me. Physics and Calculus. Physics was hard because the teacher was bad at teaching it, and 75% of that class failed the final, so I don't feel very bad about it. But the calculus class though, was the first time I'd ever felt like I'd failed myself in a class. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't understand the derivatives they tried to teach me. I passed, barely, but that was one of the times where I think my ADHD caught up to me, even if I didn't realize it. It wasn't much, but it was definitely a sign of things to come.
Once I got out of community college, I took a gap year between it and a longer stay at a university. During that time, I started trying to work on art more and more as a hobby. I started drawing possession, corruption, femboys, all that sorta  wonderful stuff. Then Covid hit. My gap year turned to two, and suddenly that was long enough for me to have started an actual *career* doing this. Which was beyond crazy to me. It motivated me to no end, I wanted nothing more than to create and have fun creating for all my followers.
In the end though, my ADHD caught up to me. Like it always does. Once the initial honeymoon phase was over, and I settled into the hum and drum of being an online digital artist, it reared its head again.
You see, ADHD is not something that goes away. You may not think about it, but it's always there. ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, potentially being renamed soon to the ASD spectrum, is a mental disorder affecting the brain's dopamine pathway. People with ADHD struggle because they have less dopamine for everything than most other people do. This either leads to hyperactivity, because you need to do MORE to feel the normal amount of reward chemical (how I was when I was younger). Or it leads to Inattention, because nothing you do feels rewarded or worthwhile (how I am now). There's just physically not enough dopamine being released in my brain for it to function properly most of the time. That's why ADHD is treated with stimulants like Adderall or Vyvanse, because they stimulate the release of more dopamine in the pathways. Making everything feel *right*. My symptoms may have changed over the years through things like masking and other stuff, but I realized recently that it never went away.
At the end of last year, I started watching ADHD Youtube videos that were recommended to me by my friends who also have ADHD. Lo and behold, a lot of what I was struggling with was the poster child of adulthood with ADHD. Anxiety, inability to do basic tasks, procrastination, lack of motivation, etc etc. I was especially hit hard by the concept of "Executive Dysfunction". Executive dysfunction, common with ADHD, impairs planning, task prioritization, memory, execution, and emotional regulation. All things I've been struggling with for years to various extents. Also things that got worse whenever I was depressed.
Naturally, the first thing someone might do to solve this, is get treated/medicated. So that's what I tried. I enrolled in a private health care plan (self-employment doesn't get healthcare through their employer, GO USA) just to find out that it was in the middle of a ADHD medication shortage. I was eligible to get approved for VyVanse, the meds I took when I was a kid, because they were 500$ a bottle. My insurance was 250$ a month. So they denied it, citing that I "Haven't tried the other medications." The ones that I tried getting, Adderall and a couple other ones, were never in stock. Even my friends who already had medication started being unable to get any at all. It was around that time that I made The State of FanterFane post, because this really hit me hard. I'd done everything I was supposed to, but the world still shot me down for it.
Then, on top of everything else, I developed Carpal Tunnel. Which screwed me up even more mentally and physically. Suddenly, even when I WAS motivated (which was getting rarer and rarer) I couldn't even draw then because my wrist was constantly in pain. It really started feeling like things really were unsalvageable. I truly felt without hope for the first time since college, and before that high school. Like everything I had done up to that point was pointless, and only resulted in me sacrificing my health for something that would've never worked out.
...Until the first week of this month, June 2023. When one of my friends was able to get their hands on Adderall again, signaling the end of the shortage. I immediately took my prescription to my local pharmacy, and got my first ever bottle of Adderall XR. I had high hopes for what it would do for me, but the thing I didn't expect was for me to regain hope.
The next day, I took my first dose and proceeded to start deep cleaning and rearranging my entire room. I did laundry, folded clothes, wiped away dust EVERYWHERE, organized my belongings and important files for the first time EVER, unpacked moving boxes that hadn't moved in 2 years and much, much more! Essentially, I turned my entire room upside down over the course of a week. I can't really put into words just how liberating it felt, how finally being able to just see a problem, and then solve it immediately without any anxiety or self-doubt changed *everything*. Even better, every task completed was less anxiety to affect me whenever I felt down or depressed. I can't hate myself for having a messy room when it's so clean, it's literally *rearranged* after all!
To put it simply, it felt like my brain was *working again*. For the first time in literal YEARS. Once I was done cleaning, I moved onto working on art, posting, responding to messages and sorting personal files. These past three weeks have been three of the most productive weeks I've had in a very long time. I feel like I've not been this productive since the initial honeymoon phase of Dullahan Dilemma and the Attenborough collection (callback!). All the while, I got better at treating my carpal tunnel, to the point where it's not constantly pins and needling me anymore, and it even feels just generally better all the time! I've been getting better and better at doing various tasks, and I believe I'm truly on the road to recovery now.
Things from here are looking up! Genuinely! I wouldn't be here either if it wasn't for all of you kind people supporting me, even through the toughest times. I'm beyond grateful for that. I'd worship the ground you all walk on if I could. Without ya'll, I would not be here today. Forgive me for taking on a somewhat political tone, but I have no idea who I'd even be at this point without all of you, and all of my wonderful friends that I’ve met while doing this. Perhaps I'd have fallen deeper into the alt-right pipeline as a disenfranchised southern white guy. Becoming more homophobic and repressing my inner self even more than I already had been my entire life due to my upbringing. That was the only place I felt like I could fit into the conservative worldview my folks raised me in, after all. Maybe I would've gone back to school for a degree I couldn't use and in debt, landing in a terrible corporate job that didn't care for me. At least I would've got health insurance then, but also maybe all of my health problems would've gotten worse and worse and never got better, since I never would've had the motivation to fix them by working out, losing weight, and watching my diet. I honestly don't know, and thinking too deeply about the "what-ifs'' of it is pointless.
But now, what I can say is that when all the anxiety clears and the depression abates, I'm truly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have an identity. Like my emotions actually do matter and that I'm not just some soulless machine whose only goal in life is to make money. I'm a human being. Although I may not be created in God's image, I have thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, flaws. I'm gay/bisexual, I'm not very masculine nor do I desire to be so, I like having long hair, and I like doing more effeminate things that most guys in the crowd I was falling into would balk at and blame on chemicals in the water. In other words, I feel healthier than ever. Mentally AND physically. I thank all of you, each and every single one, for staying with me throughout all of this. If any of you ever feel like you wanna reach out, especially if I can help you in some comparatively small way, please do. My DMs are always open, it's the LEAST I can do.
Some other things I should touch on- I've gotten a lot of surprising support for my transition from my extended family and friends. The closest is still the most difficult, I can't get my nails painted for instance, I was told not to when I asked, much to my chagrin. I've got a pride bracelet I've been wearing around, and no one has said anything about it, so that's good I suppose. Fox news still blares on the television in the living room, even after all the stuff that's gone down with *that* channel in recent times. I've given up on trying to convince them otherwise. I’ve been discredited anyway because I draw "X-rated shit", that doesn't make enough money. Even though as far as most people my generation are faring financially, I'm doing pretty good!
The SFW commissions have been going fantastic! Especially on the mental health side of things. It's helped me realize that I do in fact, have options. I'm not trapped doing one thing forever, which is honestly the thing that was scaring me the most. Just like the threat of a soul-draining corporate job till the day I die. I don't have to worry about what I'll be doing in 10 years, because I think I've built enough support and especially self-taught skill that no matter what I do, I'll be okay. It's only up from here, and I've even been feeling the flame of passion returning for TF and other lewdness! So you can for sure expect to see much more of that over the next few years, no matter what!
Speaking of money though, I have more plans for the future now too. I'm gonna make more money by doing more commissions and creating more sources of revenue. Just so that I can afford to move out, and get away from this toxic environment I find myself in. The cheapest apartments where I live run for about 750$ a month, so I'm hoping to save up over the next year and move the hell out. I think I'll be able to afford it, provided there are no extraneous events that hurt me financially. I'll be trying things like more YCH's, sketch commission streams like the patreon request streams, art packs, and maybe even merch! Ya'll be the first to be notified about any of this. The first YCH auction will hopefully be this weekend! It will be based on Nyan Cat possession, and the MC will be trying to run away from the cringey 2000's era meme culture that haunts them to this day. Thing is, the past has a funny way of coming back to haunt you!~
Finally, I'm going on vacation next week to see some friends in LA! If you're someone I know/trust around the LA area, and you wanna meet up, let me know in DMs and we'll see if we can arrange it! I may take a further vacation the week after for rest, but after that we'll be back to regularly scheduled LEWDNESS work!
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming with me and supporting me on this journey. Happy pride month, and I hope everyone has a great Summer! I love all of you! Here's to several more years of FanterFane!
XOXO,
FanterFane
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godbirdart · 1 year
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any tips/reassurance for when u have lots of owed art (comms, trades, etc)? i get stressed over making people wait too long sometimes with just a few things on my list. u manage to make SO MUCH stuff for patreon and personal work combined each year?? must be magic no other way /pos
let me start with saying:
people are [generally] more than okay waiting for art!
you are one person. you can get sick, have emergencies, and you also need personal time as well! you're not a company, and most clients are very understanding of that. there will always be the one odd client that's impatient, yes. it does happen. but as long as you are transparent, communicate, and [as a bonus] have a public queue - you really have no reason to fret.
i have commissioned artists that took three days to finish art. i have commissioned artists that took three months to finish art. there is no "standard" turnaround time when it comes to commissions. every artist works at different paces, not every artist is self-employed. some have school or jobs that take away time from their art, and that’s fine! it is okay to take a long time to finish your work! just be honest.
let me elaborate [i’m gonna say client a lot but these can also apply to trades]
be transparent: if you know it'll take you a while to finish the art, write that in your commission post and/or order form when you open. make that the very first thing the client knows before any payment is exchanged. i like to write it in my order form and in my first email back when i'm taking on a commission, as it covers my butt and keeps the client in the know.
public queue: set up a trello or make a post/journal somewhere [such as furaffinity or deviantart] where your clients can go and see the progress of their work. if they can go check where they’re at in the queue there, they won’t have to stress you out by having to send you an email every week for updates.
answer in a timely manner: i have an autoresponder set up for my email. it lets clients know that a) i got their message and b) i’ll respond to them within a couple business days [if there are no other delays / holidays]. it takes away the stress of having to drop everything and answer my client right then in there, as much as my adhd brain panics and wants to do that. it also reassures the client that their messages are getting through and that they aren’t getting ghosted if i don’t respond for a day or two.
if there’s going to be a delay, tell your client asap! if you have an emergency that’ll impact your work, tell your client as soon as possible. you do not have to go into personal details, just be honest and say “hey, there’s been an unexpected event that’ll cause a delay in updates. i will try and get an update to you as soon as i’m able. thank you for your patience!” and leave it at that. the majority of your clients will be understanding and grateful for the update.
be professional. a little professionalism goes a long way. you can be more lax with trades as usually you're doing that with friends, but if a client checks in to see the status of their commission maybe write "thanks for checking in! here's what i've got so far" and attach a WIP or "thank you for checking in! i don't have an update for you yet but will try and get one to you soon! thank you for your patience!". some artists merely say "i don't have an update sorry", and sure that does work, but it may come off dismissive to your client and they're not going to feel great about waiting. it's okay to not have an update yet when messaging people back! just be honest about it.
if you’ve bitten off more than you can chew: refund them. it's not bad business if you have to refund a client. if you find you've taken on more work than you can handle, or just cannot fulfill a client's commission - you absolutely have the option to simply refund them. be sincere, apologize for their time, thank them for considering you, and tell them you hope they'll consider commissioning you again in the future.
i hope this reassures you a bit! i 100000% understand the stress from making people wait in the queue for a long time. i’m the exact same way!! but rest assured they’re not going to get mad at you for having to wait. like i’ve already said multiple times; just communicate and be transparent and you’ll be fine!
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Hey everyone! Decided to save my future self some work and get all of the future Round 1's up on the status website (which as of now is fully updated), if you'd like to go look at them! You can also roughly calculate when each Pokemon will post based on this list, if you're inclined to do the math.
(I figured out a non-queue way to shuffle them all up. It's a bit of extra work, but it also enables me to schedule posts instead of relying strictly on the queue. It should allow me to build up a more reliable backlog.)
As is the normal schedule, Gen 2 Round 1 rematches will start posting tomorrow as the Round 1 polls close.
I hope you all are having a wonderful Tuesday/Wednesday!
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hey, this... feels awkward, but could you maybe make a post for persecutors who are trying their best to become good? its really hard sometimes...
or maybe.... like.... i didnt feel like a person before, i just came around when the host was upset, to further antagonize him. hurt him. i... i wasnt really a person, more just... a feeling. but then our friend helped me figure out that im more than just the hosts self-hatred. he helped me pick a name, and now im trying to be good, trying to be a person. fronting is scary, and hard, and i feel like i cant keep up with anything, i... i feel like i wasnt meant to be anything more than pain, like its just not possible for me to be normal, or to do chores and shit.
is that anything you could post about? becoming a full person instead of just a role or whatever? even just a response would be greatly appreciated.
sorry, this.... feel free to ignore this, i... i dont know why im sending this, its not your problem, i should just deal with it on my own.
Hi! We are so sorry to hear you’re struggling right now. System persecutors are often hated and demonized in plural spaces, which in turn makes it more difficult for these headmates to hope for and achieve positive change. But the thing is, persecutors are headmates just like the rest of their system, and they deserve peace, kindness, respect, and understanding just like anyone else! You deserve this, and other persecutors do too!
We’re pleased to learn that you’re trying to change for the better. Breaking bad habits is easier said than done, especially for system members whose bad habits have made up core aspects of their identities for as long as they’ve existed! Trust us, we see your pain, and the persecutors in our own system are going through something quite similar. We hope that you can continue to make strides towards positive growth - even if it gets hard and even if you slip up in the future! We know you can do it, and we believe in you!
We wrote a little love letter to persecutors who are hoping to change for the better. It’s in the queue, and should be up on our blog on Friday night at 8:00PM EST! We seriously hope you and other persecutors like you can find some solace in it. We really do wish you the very best in your future endeavors! We’re hoping fronting will get easier for you with time, and that you can remember to show yourself a little kindness and patience too! ^^
🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker
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404shcats · 1 year
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(Old)
New pinned post!
Hello we are the Entity Collective we are radinclus (not radqueer!), pro endo, and leftist.
We do use queue sometimes, we’re not stalking your blog we promise.
Our DNI/LI/BYF
About us
Our Spotify
Our Reddit
Our YouTube
⚠️we do not reblog posts asking for money as we cannot confirm if they’re real or not⚠️
Our other blogs :
@non-dysphoric-positivity -our most positive acc, mostly run by Felix and Husk
@404-coining -our mogai coining blog
@404shcat-shitposts -self explanatory
@husk-of-bones -Husk’s personal blog
@txmblr-is-disoriented -tumblrs personal blog
@non-dys-sys -system sideblog
@emo-bitchboy -Michael’s hoarding blog
@txmblrina-hoarding -tumblr’s hoarding blog
@blood-hoarding -Bryce’s hoard (inactive)
@404-small-hoards -a hoarding blog for those of us with smaller gender hoards
@thoughts-of-a-fictive -Stolas’ writing blog (inactive and privated)
(Tagging system under cut)
#silly for later - to avoid clogging up the “save for later” tag
#hey (insert headmates name) look - saving something to show to said headmate, our way of tagging each other
#bone boy rambles - bones rambling about something
#pebbles - something we have shown/want to show to a friend
#pebblez - something we have shown/want to show to a headmate
#haikubot my beloved - posts that involve haiku bot
(This will be updated in the future)
Also we should probably mention that we don’t usually respond to nice asks, we just keep them in our inbox to look at from time to time. (We appreciate them very much tho)
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imaginedreamwrite · 1 year
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Tag along tuesday sounds so cute! I love scenarios/drabbles of reader or the love interest turning into animals or younger versions of themselves 💜
Could I ask for reader turning into a toddler from Brat Taming? Let's say Wanda got sick and when reader and jake popped by to drop off soup, reader was accidently hit by a stray of magic turning her into a baby!
So cue the trio of alphas plus one omega taking care of baby reader while Wanda recovers from her cold! While steve and ari are naturals at fatherhood with jake a close second... ransom is kind of nervous. But he's reassured that reader that loves him, look at those grabby hands! Hold her damn it!
How it started:
“We brought soup!” You offered the covered bowl and the bag it came in out to Wanda, studying the poor avenger as she was riddled with sickness.
“You two are sweet.” She had turned her head and coughed into her arm, wheezing slightly as you two passed into her room in the tower.
“How are you feeling?” You handed the bag off to Jake, letting him place it on the table while you had reached out to feel her forehead.
“My head is pounding-“ Wanda recoiled and sneezed unknowingly unleashing some of her powers, the red surge hitting you square in the chest.
How its going:
“Hey princess, how’re you feeling?” Steve crouched in front of your toddler-turned self, getting an answer as your bottom lip trembled and your hands were balled into a blanket.
“She’s a baby.” Ransom was still staring, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed.
“Wanda’s magic,” Steve lift you from the floor and carried you in his arms, protectively holding you, “is chaos magic, its powerful.”
“And now we have to take care of a child-“
“What? You wanna drop her off at a fire station?” Jake quipped, passing Ransom with a small cup of juice in his hands.
“I…don’t do good with kids.” Ransom appeared bashful, and had almost winced when you wriggled free from Steve, nearly dropping on your head.
“Hey, hey, we talked about that.” Ari had gently scolded you, following Jake from the kitchen with a plate that had your breakfast. “You’re going to fall on your head-“
“‘Ate’is’!” You stomped your foot and pouted dramatically, your hands balled by your sides.
“Honey-“
“‘Ate’is’!” You repeated yourself, stomping your feet directly toward Ransom wherein you held your hands up to him to be picked up. “Up!”
“I’ve never held-“
“Up! Now!” You raised your voice, demanding attention from your grownup alpha. “Ran-“
“Pick her up, Ransom.” Jake’s eyes narrowed, an overstated protectiveness surging through him. “She’s scared and she needs you.”
“Grab her under the armpits,” Ari coached him, watching carefully as the youngest and most emotionally stunted alpha followed his queues, “lift her into your arms or set her on your hip.”
Although he was initially nervous, there was a sense of ease that had settled over Ransom when he had set you in his arms. It was seeing you as a younger and child-like version of yourself that made him want the domesticity of future pups.
“Ran…” You rest your head against his shoulder and looked up at him, your eyes as tired as your body was. “Ran, tired.”
“Sleep.” He hummed, carrying you over to the table, readying you to eat before a nap. “After food.”
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enananhearts · 9 months
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hey everyone! i've realized that i've been very on and off in my availability to edit lately, and this fall i'll have a much more difficult courseload than before. this won't stop me from editing, but it does mean that i'll probably only be able to edit for short bursts at a time, so i've been thinking about queueing all future edits. that being said, how would you prefer i run this blog? i'm giving this poll a week so that more followers can see it!
i won't necessarily abide by the results of this poll, this is just to gauge how everyone feels about posting schedules! i welcome and encourage asks, anonymous or not, if you want to propose a different idea!
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bottomhaztoplou · 11 months
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Tabby's Writing Game!
Hey, friends and friends-to-be! I'm Tabby, but you might know me better as DaddyAlphaLouisBabyOmegaHarry.
I've hardly ever done any writing games, mostly because I'm super forgetful, but I brainstormed a bit and came up with a whole month's worth of daily writing games.
Some of them you might know already, such as Snippet Sunday, Teaser Tuesday or Last Line, but most of them I've come up with myself (at least to my knowledge). If you feel like joining me, please do! I'd love to see your works, too! That said, don't feel pressured to participate every day.
Here's a schedule for you, if you'd like to participate by queueing things up in advance :)
Monday, May 1st: Melancholy Monday (share an angsty snippet!) Tuesday, May 2nd: Teaser Tuesday (share something from an upcoming chapter in your WIP or a snippet of a work you'll post soon!) Wednesday, May 3rd: Whatever-You-Want Wednesday (self-explanatory!) Thursday, May 4th: Three-Line Thursday (share three lines of any one work, consecutive or not!) Friday, May 5th: Freaky Friday (share a smutty snippet!) Saturday, May 6th: Snuggly Saturday (fluffy snippet time! bonus points for actual snuggles!)
Sunday, May 7th: Snippet Sunday (share a bit of your current WIP!) Monday, May 8th: Misfit Monday (share a snippet involving a misfit character!) Tuesday, May 9th: Title-Drop Tuesday (you finally figured out what to title that fic! share it with us!) Wednesday, May 10th: Whump Wednesday (share some character-based angst!) Thursday, May 11th: Talk-Less Thursday (share a snippet with no dialogue!) Friday, May 12th: Finale Friday (share a snippet of the final scene or chapter of a work!) Saturday, May 13th: Sexy Saturday (share some sexy content, but NOT smut!)
Sunday, May 14th: Scary Sunday (from full-on horror to a simple jumpscare, post a character getting startled!) Monday, May 15th: Masturbation/Mutual Masturbation Monday (post a character giving themselves some love, or two or more characters enjoying their bodies together!) Tuesday, May 16th: Tummy Appreciation Tuesday (we love a tummy 'round here!) Wednesday, May 17th: WIP Wednesday (share something from your newest WIP!) Thursday, May 18th: Travel Thursday (share a snippet involving travelling!) Friday, May 19th: Fluff Friday (self-explanatory :D) Saturday, May 20th: Silly Saturday (post some characters being silly or them being caught in a silly situation!)
Sunday, May 21st: Sickfic Sunday (is your character sick? this is a perfect opportunity to share some hurt/comfort! Monday, May 22nd: Mixtape Monday (share a fic playlist you've made!) Tuesday, May 23rd: Trolley Tuesday (what would your characters in a fic, WIP or not, have in their shopping cart at the grocery store) Wednesday, May 24th: Word Goal Wednesday (what's your word count goal for a fic you're working on right now?) Thursday, May 25th: Time Warp Thursday (share a snippet of a fic set in the past or the future!) Friday, May 26th: Fic Fest Friday (share a bit of an upcoming fic for a fest!) Saturday, May 27th: Super Saturday (superheroes? supernatural creatures? super-adorable characters? you decide!)
Sunday, May 28th: Soft Sunday (post something extra soft and sweet!) Monday, May 29th: Last Line (what's the last line you wrote?) Tuesday: May 30th: 777 (start on the seventh line of the seventh page of one of your WIPs and post the next seven consecutive lines with no context) Wednesday, May 31st: WIP Title Exposure (post all the titles of your current WIPs without context, no matter how vague!)
I hope you'll join me! :D
I'm not going to tag anyone, because I don't want to bother all my friends, but if you see this, consider yourself tagged!
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simplysurviving89 · 7 months
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first post explanation.
hey, so if you made it here .. congrats? turn around while you can? i guess i should explain a little more on why i created this account. So in the summer of 2022 two family members came to me and said they think somethings going on with my daughter and i should take her to the GP for an ASD referal, i got them to make lists of what theyd seen in her and i observed her and did the same, we took this to the GP who agreed, then contacted us a week later to say the referal was declined as it has to be school that do it. So off i went to make an appointment with school to talk it through, they had no SENCO teacher at this point and all i got from the headteacher was 'we havnt seen this in school, we havnt seen that in school, we wont see these traits because of this reason ...' .. basically felt like i was being fobbed off. He told me i could do a self referral to CAHMS as all the issues seemed to be at home. I tried this and they rejected me, stating the referral had to be through school. I messaged the headteacher this information and he didnt seem bothered. So i decied to wait until they did appoint a new SENCO, which was after christmas. At the next parents evening i raised my concerns with her school teacher (who was fab!), he straight away got me a meeting with the new SENCO, i talked over my concerns with her who listened to everything i had to say, agreed with parts and said a referral for an ASD assessment seems like the best route to take, from there they had to complete 2 terms worth of in school assessments, her teacher started noticing some of her anxieties, social queues, food issues etc, so now i have to wait until closer to christmas until their assessments are done, update my own referral pack and hand it in to them and then all this can be sent off to CAHMS. Then its onto the waiting list. While all this is going on i had my sister tell me she thinks i might be autistic too, and one of my close friends (whos husband is autistic) tells me she also sees traits in me. Well all this led my overactive brain into melting down over the last 6 months, i now feel like im going through a midlife crisis of who am i? do i even understand myself? has half my life been a lie? have i been masking all this time? how do i unravel all this and find the real me, how do i get back to a place where i feel content with myself. so here i am. if you made it this far you deserve a medal! all future posts will be updates on my thoughts, feelings, info dumping, a safe place to be myself and put the worries somewhere other than in my head.
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bread-tab · 1 year
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[Recording internal dialogue]
Prediction.Algorithm Output: My immediate future is looking All Fucked Up.
"It's my own fault for overdoing it yesterday, I am so unreliable, I'm going to get fired—"
Destructive train of thought identified. Redirect.
"The smartest thing to do right now would be calling in. I'm already very late, and resting in the meantime has not decreased my pain levels. This doesn't happen unless I'm genuinely in serious physical or mental distress."
Premise accepted.
"I've been in distress too often recently."
Objection irrelevant. Dismissed.
"I don't want to call in."
Emotional obstacle identified: Anxiety.
Analyzing inputs from AnxietyTrigger matrix, indexing: [
0 {"phone call", mild},
1 {"disappointed authority figure", severe},
2 {"disappointed self", moderate}
]
Trigger items {0, 2} exported to UseYourSkills.DistressTolerance queue. Deferred.
Trigger item 1 identified as hypothetical. Applying stored principles from coping modules.
Loading Social.AnxietyDiffusion method...
Output: "Give people the chance to be kind to you."
Risk assessment: 15% chance of failure.
Loading Bribe.DopamineReward method...
Output: "If you make that phone call, you can have a cookie. And get that Murderbot audiobook you want."
Parameters within acceptable range.
Generating new Plan {
Make phone call.
Acquire items ["audiobook", "cookie"].
Consume items.
}
Prediction.Algorithm Output: My immediate future is looking okay.
Initializing Plan...
...
...
...
[External dialogue]
*ringing*
"Hey! What's up?"
"Hey boss... Uh... I'm feeling sick."
"Got it. Well, go get some rest and feel better."
"Thanks."
[External dialogue ends.]
...
...
...
Plan executed successfully.
Editing risk assessment parameter: Social.Anxiety/kindnessChance {failure rate}
Value = 15%
Value = 12%
Changes saved.
[Internal dialogue ends. Archived to TimesYouDidntSuckAtLifeAfterAll.database]
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eggydev · 1 year
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neocities/website babble eee
im so so close to making neocities my only "social media" type outlet. I obvs still use tungl, but i've been using it less and less (moreso relying on queues and forgetting abt it in extended periods of time) but I'd like to try using it still when it comes to posting art..whenever I get around to that too haha (still havin artblock but i do have ideas!)
there might be a time in the future where I simply post everything to one site only and completely abandon everything else, but to the few people who follow me, i'll be sure to give a heads up :3
but I can't tell the future- we'll see what happens!
I like using my current neocities site as a hub for mostly rpg maker type content, and only a little "about me" as a person. (which is why my gallery links to my artblog and not hosted on the site itself for now) So I might want to upload art to either a separate site, or tucked away on my current site and eventually create a sitemap to make navigating easier @ w @ aaaa it's all really exciting for me, personally!!
I've always wanted to cater to my specific niches when it came to an online presence- there's always been the looming "ooOoOo you MUST have 'x' social media account~" when...I really DONT?? don't get me wrong, I do like checking other peoples' accounts on other platforms- but I don't make an account for other sites anymore (re: no more twitter acc tyvm), but that's really as far as that goes.
maybe it's something that comes with age?? just.. the feeling that "hey...i really DONT need all these social media(s) outlets to "enjoy" being online!" or, rather... I'm finally breaking free from that mindset. The mindset that was "you need social media in your life" which was heavily pushed by corporations when the new web generations came about. I've been on the internet a long, LONG time;; It's nice to finally mold or shape my internet experiences to something I personally enjoy, without caring or needing "numerical validation" like "likes" or "follower" counts etc. - a very self-sabotage type mentality that I was able to break free of once I stopped posting on twitter.
TL;DR:
I'm very slowly breaking away from using social media. I know I most likely won't be COMPLETELY off of it (re: tumblr, or checking other sites for news/the world- though without making an account.), but I'm excited to be curating my own space :>
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thecuddlycanadian · 1 year
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Priority
I just cleared out my queue. So you won’t be seeing me much.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, thanks to my journey of self love. I saw my doctor on Wednesday, who the last time I saw, I was deeply depressed and dangerously overweight. He said, “Wow! You look great! How are you feeling?”
To which I replied, “Honestly, when I last saw you, I was a 2. Today, I’m an 8!” We chuckled about how that was a great number because to be a 10 would be lying, and 8 leaves room for improvement. Although, life can’t get much better than this.
Today, the CEO of the company I’m interning at wants to meet with me about bringing me onto the team. She and the rest of the folks say they love working with me, and the feeling is mutual. I’ve never had so much fun at work, while feeling so respected.
Then…there’s them. My popcornball. My little miracle. My turbo fuel that pushes me even harder than I would have alone. This wonderful person who I deeply believe to be my soul counterpart. My lover, best friend, and partner.
We were talking about us, and our future together. It was open and honest, and I’m so happy to have such great communication with them. It’s not something I’m used to, and although it can make my heart race with anxiety, I trust them with my entire being to feel safe and free of judgement. After that talk, it’s clear to me more than ever before:
This is love.
I thought I knew what that was…until I found them.
Just before we said our good nights, they stopped me and said, “Hey, one more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“You’re my priority…”
To which my heart fluttered and I broke down in tears of pure joy. I’ve never been a priority to anyone before, and hearing those words has made my heart feel so full, that in fact it’s overflowing with love. I believe in destiny because of them. Something we do have some agency over, but all the same feels wondrously magical.
“You’re my priority too…” I said through my tears, “I love you so much.”
In just over a week, I’ll be on a plane, and soon thereafter, sharing a long anticipated embrace with them.
I’m the luckiest guy on Earth. 💜
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