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#her breakfast and guitar lessons etc and each time she’d be like god the sun is so bright 😁 it’s so warm outside 😋 this oatmeal is SO
apolohgy
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3 years
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#not to be depressing when the sun is still out but i’ve been Realizing (trademark) lately that i don’t get excited/giddy like other people
#like i have happy moments ofc. and i’ll look forward to a new tv or finishing a book on libby but last year i was watching this video
#(all my introspections correspond to some youtube video bc that’s all i dosjjqlsk) and she’s a vlogger so she was like filming her morning
#her breakfast and guitar lessons etc and each time she’d be like god the sun is so bright 😁 it’s so warm outside 😋 this oatmeal is SO
#delicious i love this recipe!! 😘😊 i love how my guitar lessons are going 🥰🤗
#and i’ve been watching her videos for a while but it wasn’t until last year that i was like hmm i haven’t been excited or happy like that
#for a while 🤔 and i know a certain extent of her happy go lucky demeanor might be bc she’s an influencer and that’s just. a part of the job
#to look bubbly and like you’re loving life. i love her videos so this is not me being a hater qkejklwss it just so happens that watching
#her made me realize i’ve been feeling like a robot for a long time and not noticing. btw for context her channel name is ‘sukkari life’
#and then i think mm maybe that can be written off as personality differences. but i think i’ve been d word for a while and don’t want to
#fully admit it. i’ll be like i don’t feel excitement or happiness the way i used to+lost interest in hobbies+can’t maintain conversations
#for longer than 5 mins but it will pass 😳 but like uhh i’ve probably been like this since i graduated college and it’s sinking in just now
#bc i’m unemployed at home all day so i don’t have the distractions i used to. i mean i was depressed/anxious and going to therapy in
#college but at least i was going to work making all A’s and reading and embroidering lmao. i hate that i see my depression as less valid
#when i’m being productive but alas there it is ! but now there’s nowhere to run nowhere to hide . like sis you’re laying in bed all day and
#last month i couldn’t even finish reading howl’s moving castle even though i liked it and wanted to. and i want to go to grad school so
#bad but finishing the applications? yeah tried doing one (1) last year and that was a bust. all this to say that i’ve been thinking about
#dipping my toes into the world of anitdepressanrs again LMAO. i mean all they did for me in 2018 was give me horrible nightmares and the
#withdrawal period was so scary (had to quit cold turkey bc my therapist dropped me w/o informing me. gorgeous and sexy)
#but i would be open to therapy combined w medication just to feel... not like a robot for the first time in years! i want to get a job
#simply to afford this but i hate working .. unmovable object meets unstoppable force? 😳 jk i would work if it helped me afford therapy. i
#hate being a shell of a person. anyways this is so long i’m sorry but i’ve been keeping this bottled up for a while hehe! if you read it
#all the way i adore you and i’m telepathically sending you a $20 gift card to panera bread
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