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#henry cavill shitpost
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Follow-up ask for the raccoon bite headcanon
NSFW image under the cut😆
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okay, i've let this cook for way too long 😂
silly something (smut but not really) under the cut. I haven't written in so long, this probably sucks😂😭
Continuation of this and this.
I'm so sorry 😂😂
Not beta’d, written at 10pm. If there are typos, just ignore them
*ding*
Mikey's phone goes off. He looks around the lecture hall, to see if anyone had heard the notification. No one was looking. Luckily.
Sweetcheeks: hey puppy🥰
When he doesn't answer, sends a picture, more specifically, a selfie of herself in a perfect black smokey eye.
Mike: babeee im in a lectureee
Sweetcheeks: 😈
Sweetcheeks: i have a surpriseee
Mike: caaan't. Important lecture...😩
But Mikey's girlfriend doesn't care. She sends another picture. Of herself. In black lace lingerie.
Sweetcheeks: come homeee
Mikey's face flushes. Blood rushing to two places. His face and well...
He packs up his things and hurries out the lecture hall. He walks across campus, almost running.
Sweetcheeks: im waiting😇
Mike starts walking even faster.
Finally, he reaches his dorm. He opens the door and enters... His childhood bedroom? Weird. But his brain doesn't get enough blood right now to think properly.
And there she is, lying on his bed.
"Hey, puppy," sweetcheeks beams at him.
Fuck, she looks so hot. In her makeup and that lingerie. He hadn't noticed it in the pictures, but she's also wearing a collar and cute little cat ears.
"You like it?" she asks innocently, almost pouting at him.
"I... Uhh..." Mike stammers, looking at his girlfriend. How'd she know he wanted her to dress up like that for ages?
She pats the bed, smiling and as if in a trance, he walks over.
He looks at her, almost drooling. Fuck, she looks so fucking hot. His cock twitches in his jeans when he sees the black tip of a tail peek out from behind her thigh.
She pats the bed again, and he sits next to her. Grinning, she starts crawling towards him, kissing him once she reaches him. She kisses her way down to his neck. Slowly, her kisses turn into little nibbles. She playfully bites his earlobe, and he grabs a handful of her ass. He takes hold of her tail and pulls it, just a little bit so he could see.
It's not fully black...
And her ears aren't cat ears, he notices...
Raccoon...
It's a raccoon tail plug.
"What's wrong, puppy?" she whispers sweetly. She smiles at him. He feels her hands on him still and looks down. They look like raccoon paws!
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Mike wakes up, bathed in sweat. Horrible, horrible nightmare. He looks around his bedroom. His childhood bedroom. Right... He was hole for summer break.
He sees sweetcheeks sleeping next to him on her side, facing away from him, wearing one of his old t-shirts. No lingerie in sight. But he has to be sure.
As quietly as he can, he searches his room for any suspicious boxes that could store this horrible costume. There's nothing in his closet. Nothing under his desk. Nothing in sweetcheeks' drawer in his dresser. Finally, he looks under the bed. He finds a box and opens it. The black plastic bag he finds inside looks suspicious, so he can't help but open it.
What he finds inside makes his blood run cold.
It's the ears, tail plug, along with the ears.
"Nooooooo!"
"Mike! Are you insane?! It's 3am!" sweetcheeks sleepily hisses from the bed, rubbing her eyes and glaring at her boyfriend. And snuggled in her arm is Bandit.
Bandit. Truly a bandit. Stole his girlfriend now. How he hated this trash panda.
Mikey screams again, waking the whole house.
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sif-the-tsunami · 1 year
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Dear Henry,
Where the fuck is Kal?
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deandoesthingstome · 2 months
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They way we are all feasting at this limited buffet. You'd think we'd been starved for months or something.
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littlefreya · 10 months
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Hi Freya, if you have time, can you please link some shitpost/funny or sweet stories you wrote? I had a very stressful week at work and I'm so tired. I am thinking of taking a day off for my mental health and in the meantime unwind with your stories and a nice cup of tea :)
Hey lovely 🖤🖤 I am sorry you had a stressful week. I hope that the weekend will allow you some time to unwind. Here is some silliness I wrote to help
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RPF - Henry Cavill
Snow Figures - Henry x Reader (fluff) Henry likes to build snow dicks to make you laugh. 
Vanilla Milkshake - Henry x OFC (fluff, friends to lovers, sexual innuendo, mild seduction, sex talk, an unwanted boner, Henry being a boomer, Henry having a meltdown. )  Henry and a long time friend hangout at their usual spot when things turn chaotic because of an innocent misunderstanding…
Raspberries - Henry x Reader (Pure fluffy romance, slightly erotic vibes) Henry is a big fluffy bear who likes to take his time. He wants to get to know you before having sex for the first time.
A creepy Surprise - Henry x Reader (Fluff though suggestive)  Henry forget to take off his Witcher costume while results in some unfortunate panic
Scruffy Kisses - Henry x Reader (Fluffy Fluff) You come home crying after a terrible week and Henry is trying to cheer you up with a little surprise.
The Baker of Blavikan - Henry x OFC (Fluffy romance) Waking up in the morning to find Henry gone from bed and some obscure situation happening in the kitchen
Kal watching Henry when he is trying to get it on Henry x Reader (fluff, suggestive)
Can I pet your titties? 
Some random memes I made
Captain Syverson
Buns in the Oven - Captain Syverson x reader (Pure fluff) Sy has hidden clingy tendencies and he is very much afraid to admit it until one night has one drink too many and all his secrets are exposed.
Knockers - Captain Syverson x Reader (Fluffy, Suggestive, slapping man titties) You found a new way to provoke the Captain
A valid argument - Shaving off the Captain’s beard
August Walker
Something Wicked - August Walker x Reader (Fluff) August sleeps tightly, and you decide to exploit the situation.
Boomer Walker
Always Sunny in Philidelphia meets August Walker
August joined the CIA for the wrong reasons
Walter Marshall
Santa Baby - Walter x Reaser (Fluff, a tad suggesting)  For over a decade, detective Walter Marshall kept a dirty little secret, thinking no one would ever find out about his past. Sadly for him, you are somewhat of a detective yourself.
Walter with a man flu
Multi character headcanons
Henry’s characters as supernatural beings  
Henry’s characters daughter dating reaction 
Henry’s characters reacting to their girl being tattooed 
Henry’s characters accidentally walk into the room while you are changing your clothes :O 
What pets do they have? 
How do they react to you stabbing your toe on the corner 
Characters and their ice cream flavour
Characters and their cars
Ghost hunting crew
When he sees you drinking an energy drink 
The men referring to their “junk” 
What attire do they sleep in?
Incorrect subtitles gifs
Naughty Clark 1
Naughty Clark 2
Naughty Clark 3
Food dilemma
August on a mission
August being inappropriate
August being inappropriate again
August being August
Lane mocking August
Clark on breeding mode
Sassy Sherlock
Sassy Sherlock 2
Sassy Clark
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geralts-yenn · 9 months
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As I was watching Stardust tonight: I wonder how many times they tried to take this scene before they gave up and just accepted that Henry simply can't wink 🤣🤣🤣
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pterodactylterrace · 2 years
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kizunatallis · 1 year
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What today had been like
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megelyzabeth · 1 year
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I'm sorry, it's the name for me 😂
I feel like my favorite writers and cool gals would get what I'm getting at.
@littlefreya @angryschnauzer @sillyrabbit81 and all the others I can't remember off the top of my head.
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piinfeathers · 1 year
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netflix in about two years once stranger things and henry cavill are gone
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spalahmoon · 2 years
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You totally in love with male characters who have long white hair even if you know nothing about them^^
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madame-helen · 10 months
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Some random question i thought of:
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sif-the-tsunami · 2 years
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TW: s*icide awareness
Ladies and gentle thems, I present to you my favorite day dream about Sy.
Sy in Ranger Panties.
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It's really what the movie was missing.
That dude works out in shorty shorts.
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These vets are marching for veteran su*cide awareness and prevention. Looking hot for a good cause, gentlemen.
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deandoesthingstome · 2 months
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Cavill shared, “I had it in my contract not to have too much interaction with the cat“. Cavill added that the “low contact cat clause” was crucial in convincing his dog, Kal, to give him the green light to take on the film.
😂😂😂😂
This might be the best thing to ever come out of his mouth!
Hilariously, I rarely ever actually see/hear his interviews. I only see his pretty pretty face in the edits wonderful creators make and reblog to make my (and your!) dash a more pleasant place to be.
So thank you for this share. I love it!
"Dogz rule. Catz drule." - Henry Cavill, probably.
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littlefreya · 2 months
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I made this cursed image of Highschool!Sy two years ago and I guess it's canon now. 😅
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geralts-yenn · 1 year
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Straight from the cover of a steamy regency romance novel, right?
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