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#help im in neuro hell
werebeastlybutchboy · 13 days
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shaking my laptop screen right now. why are so many supposed "safe spaces" for stigmatized disorders so frequently anti-endo. violently anti-endo (actively threatening, fakeclaiming, etc) or passively anti-endo ("endos DNI" without talking about endo systems on the blog/"endos DNI" on general system positivity posts, following or regularly interacting with anti-endos but no posts about endos specifically, etc) it doesn't matter it's just all. fucking.
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ceruelaen · 2 months
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Hiiii! I’ve been following you a while and noticed you seemed a little down. Just know that you are so loved! Things will work out, even if they don’t feel like it right now. You’re super talented and I look up to you and your amazing art! I hope you have a great day/night!!! ♥️
hi anon i just wanna say ily & i’m giving you the biggest hug rn 🫂 but i AM gonna use this to ramble SKSKS
I AM DOWN?? SORTA?? my mood is really all over the place all of the time i gotta be honest. (my mood changes VERY easily. which is why some of my post are me literally have a moment, to posting abt smth completely unrelated). also i got some passive aggressive ass comments from my therapist yesterday which pissed me off but yeah BAHSHS
IM FINE IM JUST. IN A CONFUSING SPOT. i’m looking for work rn but im also just HELLA unstable financially. so thats not doing me any favours. but ive also tried getting help for a but of mental/neuro problems (which now feels impossible bc normally you do that as a kid & we dont have behavioural therapists here that see adults. whatever). so its like “hey i know smths wrong but idk what the hell is wrong so now im FRUSTRATED”. & it also makes finding work hard, bc im not doing great physically (no disabilities, just not very healthy ig), so that already limits my options and NO ONE wants to call me back. (my therapist liked to say that i ‘wasnt trying’ which is like. cool whatever idgaf i cant try smth i never got the chance to do)
OKAY IM GONNA STOP HERE NO ONE HAS TO READ THIS BUT TLDR: i’m fine!! really!! i just have a really unstable living situation atm & just in general my mood changed DRASTICALLY, VERY EASILY. but tysm for checking up on me ilysm <3
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rhaenyras · 8 months
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i got triggered over something almost a week ago and i just dont know how to get over it. every minute of every day im trying to not think about it but its too much sometimes. and worst part is its something fictional and almost anyone would find it silly and funny if i tried talking about it and it IS silly and meaningless but it’s also so real to me you know (sorry for the rant you make me feel safe)
I've also let myself be needlessly obsessed and scared out of my wits by stuff that apparently doesn't exist anywhere else but in my head. still, it's very much real in the moment (or even the weeks) following the triggering event and it can be hell for us neuro atypicals, all the more so when the last remaining bit of rationality tells you that you can't tell anyone because they'll just laugh or call you crazy or just not understand. it's simply horrible and I hate that you're going through it right now. I can't really say I have a solution for this, as i am also unmedicated, undiagnosed and cannot get professional help anywhere. i just let it subside on its own. the worst spells can last for weeks, true, but they'll fade too eventually and your brain will get back on track on its own as a way of protecting itself from unnecessary distress
in the meantime, hang in there and practice ways of distracting yourself with bigger thoughts or even concerns that can absorb part of your unchanneled mental energies
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I have been having a lot of pain recently, specifically in my lower back and my shoulder. My spine mri should a few things wrong but my pcp only told me what they were and to see a neuro and to continue pt, and didn't say if they could be causing me the pain.
I am having to do a heart monitor right now and my electrophysiologist said to do whatever i could to make as many symptoms as I could, so i did a lot of exercising last night and even though it was hurting my back a lot, i kept going because i needed the data. Now i can barely move, which is a hell of my own making but oh well. I have a pcp appointment that I made last friday because i have been short of breath and also my pain has been bad to the point i can barely walk or stand somedays, and at times even sitting hurts.
I just. Im not looking forward to this appointment today. I dont expect him to tell me much about how to deal with the pain even though when i messaged the assistant she said hed talk to me about it at the appointment. I bet hes just going to tell me to wait to talk to neurologist and see what she has to say about it when i literally can barely walk and the only otc pain med i can take isnt working anymore and no ither treatments i try help.
I just hope he will do the lab draws i am going to ask for. If he at least does those it will be slightly successful. I want a pth and calcium (i want to check my parathyroid because my mom had hyperthyroidism and i want to make sure that isnt whats going on with me), as well as check my vitamin levels and my lipid levels. But we will see
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whumpurr · 3 years
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Adrien and Sawdust part 6
cw: pet whump, whump recovery, bodily mutilation, self harm, brief and vague mention of past noncon, dehumanization, conditioned whumpee, unreliable narrator, brief mention of dissociation
masterlist
Sawdust was searching for his bag the second Master was gone. He hopped out of bed, punctuated with a fit of dizziness as he got to his feet, and crawled around the room looking for his duffel bag. The bright blue bag was nowhere to be found, and Sawdust wasn’t great at seeing in the dark either.
He started to wonder, to second guess himself. Did Master put the bag somewhere in the room and Sawdust just isn’t seeing it? Is he overlooking it? Did he even have a bag at all? Did it come with him to this new house, or was it left with his previous master? No, no, he remembered seeing it next to his kennel with those other people.
If he left the room now, Master would surely hear it and question him, or worse, punish him for disturbing his sleep. As much as Sawdust wanted his ears back, he just had to trust that Master would return them in due time.
Sleeping was difficult without the familiar squeeze of his headband around his head, but with a full stomach he managed to eventually fall asleep even if it took a while.
Sunlight came all too soon for Sawdust. The light peeked through the curtains and he couldn’t physically sleep any more. He was dreading going downstairs and having to face his master, having to eat beside him. He could only imagine what his master was going to do to him. Would he record him? Bring his friends over and show him how pathetic and stupid he looked eating out of a bowl on the floor? Sawdust shook himself out of his thoughts; he was just a dog anyways, he shouldn’t have enough of an ego to be embarrassed.
He was getting himself out of bed, going down onto his hands and knees when he heard a soft knock on the door, followed by Master’s quiet voice.
“Sawdust?” Master said from the other side of the heavy wooden door. “Come on, let’s go get some food.”
Sawdust got to the door and opened it with his paw, stepping out and following Master.
Master gave him a bowl of dog food once he was downstairs. Sawdust half contemplated asking Master about his ears, but really, if Master had taken them away then it was because Sawdust did not deserve them any more.
“Master,” Sawdust murmured, “Is- is there anything your pet can- can do? To assist?”
Master looked thoughtful for a moment then laughed, laughed at Sawdust.
“I think my work stuff is a bit advanced for you,” Master took a bite of his own food, “I want you to focus on… recovery, for now. Okay? That means you rest up and come get me if you want anything, food, water, whatever.”
Sawdust nodded, “Yes, Master,” before he continued eating, the hard kibble crunching satisfyingly between his teeth. He couldn’t work up the courage to ask Master about the ears or his bag, or where they’ve gone.
Lunch and dinner went similarly, with Master coming, getting his pet, and taking him downstairs to eat. Each time Sawdust couldn’t work himself up enough to ask Master about his ears. The lack of his ears made Sawdust feel… Wrong. Like he wasn’t a real dog, like he was a subpar pet. He wasn’t good enough to this new Master who had otherwise been so kind to him. What had he done to deserve this?
Night eventually fell, and Sawdust did his best to do as Master said and get to sleep. He curled up in the nest of blankets and pillows that his Master had made in the corner for him, and let himself begin to drift off. As he was doing so, he couldn’t help but wonder why his Master was withholding his belongings from him. Nevertheless, his eyelids grew heavy, and he eventually fell into a deep sleep.
--
Adrien was still getting accustomed to feeding someone using a dog bowl, with dog food, on the floor. It was a strange experience, and doing it made him feel dirty, but it was all Sawdust was going to accept so if it was between that or making the pet starve again, he would have to go with the former.
He was still very aware of just how lost he was in all of this. He searched the internet and scoured his social media for something that could give him some kind of life preserver in all of this. Finally, finally, he found something. A chatroom for pet owners. From the looks of it, it was heavily moderated and geared more towards pet liberation activists, and pet rehabbers, and people who actually cared for their pets. He requested to join and was accepted within the hour. He immediately sent a message to the ‘help’ section.
Adrien: >> Hey guys, I’m a new owner and I didn’t do as much research as I should have. >> Long story short, I didn’t keep as close an eye on my pet as I should’ve, and he ended up not eating because I wasn’t giving him dog food. Is that a normal thing? How can I help him?
It wasn’t five minutes before one of the other owners responded,
1Y4N4: >> oof, thats no good dude.. definitely watch him harder and probably just stick to feeding him what he wants for now. u said hes new right? let him stay in his comfort zone for a little bit probably
Adrien: >> Thanks. I’ll do that.
1Y4N4: >> np, im a bit more experienced as an owner but i dont think mine were as conditioned as urs >> at least not in that way
Zo: >> Bro wtf? You’re the source of your pet’s whole life and shit, you really should’ve done more research.
Adrien sat and watched as this ‘Zo’ person continued to rip into Adrien for his irresponsibility, though the ‘1Y4N4’ user at least tried to defend Adrien. It wasn’t long before Zo quieted down and 1Y4N4 was able to speak up again,
1Y4N4: >> lots of actual dogs eat things that arent dog chow >> maybe show your pet some videos of people feeding their dogs other stuff, maybe hell be more open then
Adrien thanked the user, and used the rest of his evening compiling some videos and researching, finding the outer bounds of what dogs could eat in hopes that he could convince Sawdust. It was far from exactly what he wanted, but he felt some semblance of satisfaction that there was at least a way to progress forwards.
--
Sawdust finally came up with a plan when he was coming out of the bathroom the next morning. It was before Adrien had gotten up. As Sawdust was leaving the bathroom, he caught sight of himself in the mirror.
His hair was all matted, and the fringe at his forehead was beginning to grow to hide his eyes. He looked lacking without his ears. There were deep circles under his eyes. At least the peaks of his cheeks and his lips were starting to regain some color now that he had a steady supply of food which he undoubtedly did not deserve. The scratched scar across his nose bridge and cheek that one of the other dogs gave him was still there. He looked at that and followed it across his face to his second ears.
His dumb second ears, the ones on either side of his head that his last master hated so much. His previous master had always told him that they made him look less like a dog, less like a pet, when a pet was all Sawdust ever wanted to be. Because if he wasn’t a pet, then he was a toy for both Master and the other dogs, and that was one step above the most reprehensible thing he could be. He had been downgraded to ‘toy’ for a short amount of time previously, and he was eternally grateful that he was never dropped even lower, to being nothing but food for the other dogs.
Master threatened that sometimes, chopping him up and feeding him to the other dogs.
Whenever Sawdust looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn’t help imagine it. Being cut up and thrown to other animals to eat. He found some part of himself that felt that- even if he could never do anything else right- he could do that right. He tried to halt that train of thought as quickly as he could, before his mind shunted him off to some dark, foggy place where he couldn’t think or feel until the bad thoughts went away.
But at the root of those thoughts, he found the problem, as well as the solution. He scrambled down to the kitchen as fast as he could go, wanting to work quickly before he could stop himself.
He got to the kitchen sink, and stood up on trembling, unused legs. They could hardly support his weight, he had to lean onto the granite countertop with his elbows as he reluctantly removed the tape from his paws using his teeth. He would need his fingers for this.
Sawdust’s breath was quick in his throat, the edges of his vision grew blurry as he tried to focus on this and only this. He had one task and he was not going to fail it. He wanted his ears back. He wanted his master to be happy with him again. Maybe this way he could earn his master’s attention and... Maybe even his affection, if a pet was allowed to hope.
Sawdust’s paws were shaky and clumsy as they took out the biggest knife out of the wooden blog. It was heavy and cold in his paw. With one paw he held the tip of one of his second ears and pulled it as far away from his head as he could.
The cold edge of the blade rested on his skin, at the valley between his second ear and his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, he couldn’t break down now, he couldn’t stop now. He took a deep, sharp breath and pressed down on the knife as hard as his feeble paws could.
--
Adrien shot out of bed to the sound of a piercing, howling scream from downstairs.
taglist: @starnight-whump @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi@neuro-whump @whump-me-all-night-long @cupcakes-and-pain @whumpzone @whumpcreations @dancinglifeboat @pinkraindropsfell @looptheloup @cowboy-anon @meetmeinhellcroutons @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @firewheeesky @maracujatangerine
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shattered-catalyst · 3 years
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Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?
This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.
If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.
OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.
This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.
 Whomst can write it? 
Literally anyone as long as you 
● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 
● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.
● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.
● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 
● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.
. What isnt OCD? 
● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 
● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 
● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)
 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 
● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 
● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes
● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)
The Barest minimum 
Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 
OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.
1. Obsessions are the thoughts 
2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 
3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks
 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 
*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 
Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 
Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 
First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 
Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 
This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 
Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 
The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 
If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 
Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 
I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 
This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.
Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 
Again for clarity's sake 
If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 
If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 
If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 
Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 
What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 
Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 
● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 
Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 
Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 
This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .
 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.
It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 
It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.
Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 
● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.
● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.
● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 
● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 
● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 
To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 
Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 
In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 
OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 
Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 
Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.
OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 
OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.
OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.
OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not
OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 
OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 
OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 
OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 
OCD according to NIMH statistics 
1.2% Occurrence among US adults 
2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 
34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning
OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:
Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high
ADHD
Autism 
GAD
Eating Disorders
Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts
Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.
Batman (DC)
Riddler (?)(DC)
Domino (Marvel)
 Cyclops (Marvel)
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That's it. I'm giving up on this medicine for my pseudotumor cerebri because I simply cannot and will not tolerate more sleepless nights with restless anxiety, labored breathing, and misery. I gave it my best and tried it at the 3 different dosages and even tried mixing up the dosages like the doctor who prescribed it for me told me to do in hopes of avoiding this mess, but I can't take it. I just can't.
It's not fair that I have to choose between feeling like this or having so much cerebral spinal fluid pressure built up in my brain that if I breathe the wrong way, my head pops like a zit. This is just freaking unfair.
The new neurologist today basically did nothing to help but suggest a new headache med and said he'd connect with the pseudotumor expert at Mayo that I saw so they are both on the same page. He also said I was a pretty complicated case. You would think that being a complicated case would be something they would want to try to figure out, but God forbid anyone actually help me other than tell me to lose weight.
I'll lose weight, I can do that, and I get that's the main way to go into remission, but got damnit, shat the hell do I do in the meantime because last time I checked, weight didn't just magically disappear! Even with a bariatric surgery, which my insurance won't pay for, it would still take a few months to lose the weight needed to possibly go into remission.
And then there's the possibility that losing weight might not help at all. There are complicated cases of pseudotumor cerebri where the weight of the patient had no bearing or influence on them having the condition or when a patient lost even 100lbs, still didn't get relief. I swear I'm trying to be positive but what the hell am I supposed to think or do when I'm constantly told by specialists and even a world renowned expert that I am a complex and complicated case that I just need to lose weight and I'll be cured but have no backup plan if that doesn't help or do something in the meantime that actually freaking helps me be able to at least tolerate living.
I actually did lose a lot of weight in 2 months earlier this year because of also being diagnosed with gastroparesis the same week as pseudotumor cerebri, which made me unable to eat almost everything. I lost almost 20% of my body weight, like they are asking I do now, and I had no change in my condition with pseudotumor cerebri. I still had the headaches and swollen optic nerves.
As of this moment, I am beyond the point of being willing to give this medicine more time, especially since I've been on it at one dose or another since March. As the neuro ophthalmologist at the Mayo Clinic told me, he considered me a medication and normal treatment failure. He told me he would only advocate for a stent and if I was offered at this very second to have a stent put in the "severely narrowed" vein in my brain, I would help them out and start shaving my head so they wouldn't have to deal with my horse mane of hair for surgery then say take me to the OR stat.
Im sorry for breaking down like this right now and ranting, but this is also taking a massive toll on my mental health, not just for the obvious reasons, but because I suffer from bipolar disorder, keeping my sleep schedule normal is everything. When my sleep schedule gets whacky, mania is triggered in my brain like a light switch and I just cannot deal with everything and then have to be manic on top of it all.
This is all too freaking much.
My body is having a full fledged panic attack because of the methazolamide for the pseudotumor cerebri, which is the way the pseudotumor expert doctor described these side effects, not me, just without the mental aspect to the panic attack, but at this point that's sooooo close to changing, too.
I cannot afford to lose my mind while trying to find answers and solutions for my physical issues. I will not let this happen because I will not be treated like I have the plague just because this mess that I have no control over and have been desperately begging for help with from top professionals who are just sitting back and waiting. They may have that kind of time to wait and see, but I don't.
Fuck, y'all.
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cicinicole-14 · 3 years
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Hey, could you write a fic about Amelia and Lexie. Something like Zola mentioning her during lockdown and Link wondering who she is and because Mer is in a coma and Maggie didn't know her she tells them about the time she helped her convince Derek of doing Erica's surgery.
I dont think I could fic it (esp bc amelink isn’t someone I write for) but you can have a mini-drabble since ive been staring at this for a while now and ideas keep circling but not enough to be fic worthy. this is not edited either. you’re getting what ur getting. 
Maggie’s in the middle of doing Zola’s hair. Amelia’s in the kitchen, helping Bailey pour his cereal and getting ellis set up with her breakfast before they need to set the older two up on zoom calls for class. Link has scout in his arms with a bottle when Zola brings it up.  “I have to draw a family tree for class, and I put aunt Lexie on mom’s side, aunt Maggie you’re there too and aunt Amelia you’re on dad’s side right? I also have to write a sentence on the poeple in my family, just to introduce them. What was aunt Lexie like, Aunt Maggie?” 
Maggie pauses because she’s not sure how to answer. “Um, I’m not sure, sweetie. I know I’m your mom’s sister, but Lexie was her sister on her dad’s side, and im her sister from her mom’s side. its a little complicated and I never met her. I’m not really sure how to help you.” 
“Who’s Lexie? Meredith has another sister?” Link is thoroughly confused about this. Maggie laughs. “She has two, Lexie had another sister Molly. they dont keep in touch, and Lexie and me. Hopefully Zola has a big enough paper, right Zo?”
Zola nods but asks again. “How am I supposed to do this then, if I don’t know aunt Lexie. I knew her too! there’s pictures of us but none of you even know her. I need mom to come back home so I can ask her about Lexie.”
Amelia swallows. “I knew Lexie.” she says softly. 
all eyes immediately focus on her and even Link raises a brow. 
“I didn’t know her well, but I knew her. we worked a case together actually. I’d actually brought your dad this case I had, a friend of mine’s son’s mom, Erica. she had this brain tumor that I needed help removing and she was on your dad’s service. We worked so hard on trying to remove this tumor from Erica. Lexie had even talked Derek into letting me attempt removing the tumor because it all had to be done in under ninety seconds. she was a genius and would’ve made one hell–eck of a neurosurgeon. I knew she would’ve stuck with it. and what I’d heard from Meredith and my brother, Mark was pretty head over heels for her too. said they made a cute couple.” 
“Who’s Mark?” Link pipes up. 
“That’s Sofia’s dad!” Zola pipes up, she knew the answer to that one. better than what Amelia would’ve answered.  “thought he was an ex.” link makes the side comment. Amelia avoids eye contact. which causes an inquiring look. 
“well, I mean you cant be jealous now. he’s dead, link. and yes, Zola, he is Sofia’s dad. and apparently the love of your aunt Lexie’s life. We’ll definitely have to ask your mom for more stories of her. She would’ve made an excellent member on team neuro. I liked her, even if she was a little too April-kepner-y.” 
there… that’s al you’re getting because that’s all I got. sorry. hope you enjoyed. I dont write amelink so like meh. I also haven’t written Amelia or Lexie in literal years so its rough af. 
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oboevallis · 4 years
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Hi! Hope you’re doing well. Can u write something about Amelia and Link going to perform a long surgery when Amelia is pregnant and Link is like let Tom do it so they kind of fight in surgery and before but then they fix things or something thank u ;)
talk to me
“Can someone page Koracick?” Link asked as he prepped his patient to be taken up to CT.
“No need, I’m here.” Amelia responded as she walked into the trauma room.
“Oh, okay. Well maybe it’s best if we let Koracick take this case over though.” Link politely said as they got onto the elevator with the patient.
“Do people really prefer him over me? My own boyfriend?” Amelia questioned getting offended that this was coming from Link.
“No, not at all. It’s just this isn’t looking too good, so we’ll be in the OR for god knows how long. So it might be best to let Koracick take over.” Link immediately regretted his statement once he saw his girlfriend glaring at him.
“I am perfectly capable to operate.” Amelia bitterly said.
“I know, and you are. It’s just time to slow down though. Don’t you think? Your almost near your due date.”
“Nope I don’t think so.”
“I’m here what do ya need.” Koracick greeted nonchalantly.
“I’ve got a probable subdural hematoma, that I need you to evacuate.” Link responded cautiously, hoping his girlfriend wouldn’t lose her mind.
“Ah, sound like fun.” Koracick commented, pushing Amelia over to the side so he could get a better view of the scans that just popped up onto the screen.
“I’ll do the procedure, I’m chief of neuro. So I call the shots.” Amelia bit back, moving herself so she could look at the scans again.
“And I’m chief of chiefs sooo, go do that pile of paperwork you’ve been procrastinating on all week. Your off in 10 minutes anyway.” With that Amelia dramatically sighed and exited the room.
“Your welcome.” Koracick cockily said to the orthopedic surgeon.
“Yeah thanks, but we all know this isn’t over.” Link nervously chuckled.
_________________________________________________
A little after 3am Link was done in the OR and Koracick assured him he’d monitor the patient. He let himself into the apartment, that he had recently started sharing with his girlfriend.
The first thing he noticed was that his girlfriend left two cabinets open in the kitchen, he chuckled to himself. He could hear Amelia telling him it was a tedious act to close them. After he had made himself something to eat he quietly snuck into their bedroom to get some much needed rest.
“What the hell do you think your doing?” Amelia abruptly asked as Link draped his arm around his girlfriend to get into their usually sleeping position.
“Going to sleep?” Link was confused to what Amelia meant.
“Your not welcome here, go sleep on the couch or something.”
“Please Amelia you can be spiteful in the morning. I’d really like to sleep.”
“And you can do that on the couch”
“Mils, come on. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have paged Koracick.”
“I’ll go sleep on the couch then.” Amelia responded, taking the blanket that was on the bed with her as she got up.
“Amelia, absolutely not.” Link responded as he begrudgingly got up to follow his girlfriend into their living room.
“I don’t want to be around you right now. You were mean to me.” Amelia said with a pout on her face as she slowly lowered herself down to the couch and covered herself with the blanket.
“My intention was not to be mean and you know that. I just worry about you, and you need to slow down. I just don’t understand why you don’t.” Link counteracted as he laid down on the chair across the room from the couch.
“Just go to sleep Link.” Amelia said closing her eyes.
“Whenever you start taking more shifts and working non stop. Your avoiding something.”
“Link, go to sleep. I was sleeping peacefully before you came home.”
“At least you back to our room. Your back has already been killing you, so the couch won’t help.”
“Can you stop? Just leave me alone.”
“Amelia, you possibly can’t be this mad for me giving the case to Koracick. Just talk to me.” Link said as he got up and kneeled next to the couch.
“I miss Christopher.” Amelia softly said. “I’m sad and I don’t want to feel it so I work.”
“Oh Amelia.” Link moved onto the couch to hold his girlfriend while she cried. “It’s okay to be sad, it’s not okay to drown yourself in work and pretend your not sad though. You need to feel it.”
“It works fine.” Amelia sniffled. “I just feel like I’m going to forget him, or like I’m replacing him.”
“Have you? Forgotten about him?” Link asked.
“No, of course not.” Amelia shook her head.
“Because you won’t. You love him, and nothing going to diminish that. Your love is just going to grow.” Amelia nodded in response.
“But really, Koracick? I’m ten times better and you know it.” Link chuckled.
“You needed sleep, and by the looks of it you still do.”
“Let’s just sleep on the couch I’m to exhausted to move.” Amelia said situating them so they could fit on the couch, draping the blanket over them.
“I love you Amelia, and you can talk to me instead of drowning yourself in work.”
“Hmm.” Amelia hummed before falling asleep.
lol sorry i don’t really know what this is, i usually write when it’s 3am and im half asleep and don’t care to proofread i hope you like it tho, also i’ll never forgive vernoff for not going more into amelia’s grief this past season with her baby i think she realized she wasn’t gonna be able to get walsh back for an episode and was like screw it let’s do some baby daddy drama thanks for coming to my ted talk
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nyndelion · 4 years
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🏳‍🌈 🍀 !
(im answering about ed edd n eddy since its my current hyperfixation as u can imagine xd)
🏳‍🌈do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?
hell yeahh! let me get started hhh
ed: i hc him as genderfluid, goes by any pronoun, and bi/pan. Has adhd, is autistic and in the schizo spectrum
edd: non-binary, goes by he/him and they/them pronouns, and bi/pan. Is autistic, has ocd and an anxiety disorder
eddy: is also bi/pan, and i dont have a defined neurodivergent hc for him but he definitely has stuff going on
rolf: gay, autistic
jimmy: realizes (she’s) a trans girl later in (her) mid-later teenage years (not my hc but i saw someone saying (she) goes by jenny when (she) comes out and i loved it so i support that hc)
annd i dont really have hc for the other characters but i may come up with something c:
🍀do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?
i dont really kin characters but i do project a lot on edd and ed, mostly bc i relate to edd’s temperament and mannerisms, and his issues w having to be perfect all the time. Also i relate to ed’s forgetfulness and disorganized thoughts and speech when im going through psychotic episodes, so i really see a lot of things that are hard for me to handle on both of these characters, and seeing them as such lovable portrayals that also help, support and love each other so much make me wanna cry of happiness and want to protect them with every last piece of strength i’ve got. they are my biggest comfort characters in this moment of my life
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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years
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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo
im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 
like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 
and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”
and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 
and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 
or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 
and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 
and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 
and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!
i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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spacelnvader · 5 years
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dearestgravity
replied to your
post
:
I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve been trying to...
dude i know the neuro pain. i have to either summon four demons or drive 30 minutes out of my way in hellish traffic to make an appointment. which… the entire issue is im having trouble driving sorta.
This is even worse. I don’t know what’s troubling you, but I imagine if you’re having a tremor or something else that’s hindering your ability to drive it’s stressful as hell. Which is also not really helping neurological issues, I imagine. A lot of them cause fatigue as well, as I understand it. So if you have to go through that you’re basically done in once you get back.
But there’s seriously so few neurologists. I’m wondering why that’s not a popular specialisation for people wanting to go into medicine.
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traceyaudette · 7 years
Text
Quiet
Requested by an Anon: Reader is a night trauma nurse and she comes in when Jax is rushed in with a GSW to the test. Over time the two fall in love during Jax"s recovery. Reader ends up breaking off whatever they had between and disappears from Jax
The rules were simple, you never said the Q word; or any variation of the word. I sat at the end of my patient’s bed, wondering what asshat had uttered the word. 
It couldn’t have been anyone on night shift, we all knew better. Most likely it was someone leaving from day shift, as they left, uttering the phrase. “Have a quiet night!”
It wasn’t a well wish among coworkers, it was an evil wish from some bitter being. An hour after my shift started, all hell broke loose. A horrible car accident, a knife wound, meth lab explosion, and my patient a gun shot wound, to the chest.
XXX
I glanced at my patient, still out of it from surgery, I smiled. I didn’t know him personally, but I knew of him; what he and his club did for our town. Their methods may be unorthodox, but it kept out town safe. 
I heard him let out a groan. his eyes fluttered open. He tried to sit up, I jumped up from my seat, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Whoa! You just had major surgery.”
I started to do a neuro an assessment on him. “Mr. Teller, do you know where you are?”
“It’s Jax and heaven?” He smiled at me, he breathed slowly.
“Not even close!” I smiled.
“St. Thomas Hospital, I was shot.”
“I’m (Y/N), I’ll be your nurse tonight, you’re in the ICU. What is your pain level. from 1-10″”
“10 plus!” He grimaced in pain. 
“I can take care of that for you, don’t be afraid to ask for your pain meds.” 
XXX
Jax stayed in the ICU for a total of two weeks, he was my patient every night I worked. He grew stringer, and we got closer. When he went to the Med/Surg floor to finish his recovery, I’d stop by to visit him before and after my shift.
On my nights off, I’d come in and see him, by the time he was released two weeks later; we’d been “dating” for that long.  We’d had hours to get to know each other, and had fallen in love.
Nothing prepared me for “the life”, for being Jax Teller’s old lady. The always being in danger and having someone guard me or on lock down; was something I never got use to.
Then there was Gemma, always butting into our business. Telling me how to be a good old lady, while some lessons were appreciated, others were ones I never wanted to learn.
Some of the guys I could tolerate, believe it or not a few of them had manners and knew how to act. Opie and Chibs were like two big brothers, and protective over me. Happy scared the hell out of me, and Tig was disturbing. Then there was Juice, he was just a sweetheart.
Last but not least, the club whores; it didn’t seem to matter to them that Jax had an Old lady. It was the fact that I hadn’t taken his crow yet, it wasn’t official, therefore he was free game. I was too old to be knocking bitches out, I had to trust him.
He had asked me to take his crow, and I was thinking about it, but it was a tattoo; it was permanent. He said he understood, and was being patient, and was waiting. I mean we’d only been together for three months, this was a big commitment.
XXX
I didn’t take time to change out of my scrubs, because of low census I got sent home early and put on call.  Between runs, other club bull shit, and my job; Jax and I hadn’t been able to spend much time together.
Maybe that was my fear with the whole commitment issue, what if he woke up one day and decided that he didn’t want me anymore. That he was only “in love” with me because I helped nurse him back to health,
I pulled into the lot, the party was in full swing. I waved to Opie as I walked in, the funny look on his face should have tipped me off. Chibs trying to distract me should have been another clue.
I passed him off to a croweater, making my way to Jax’s room.Opening the door quietly, my jaw dropped. The occupants too “busy” to notice me. I shut the door quickly leaving. I couldn’t erase Jax being blown by a croweater, while another rode his face from my mind.
I drove to the hospital, telling them I needed to leave immediately for a family emergency. I wasn’t sure if I would be back, that I was taking my PTO as my notice.
I ran to the house, leaving my phone on the counter, packing some clothes, I left his house for the last time. I took a cab to the airport. I bought a ticket for wherever was leaving in the next hour.
XXX
SIX MONTHS LATER
QUIET! I really loved that word, sitting in my house in the middle of southern Illinois, I relaxed because I didn’t have to deal with biker chaos anymore.
THE END
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Text
Me doing gross neruopathology: I’m sorry what about this makes you think “butterfly,” I’m really not seeing it. 
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I swear some of these pathologist have got wild imaginations.
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alpsss · 5 years
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everyone liked my eyes today
I knew on thursday when he came round several times ‘i intentionally wanted to roast F in front of J’, and commented on my tattoo, that suddenly it all came back to me the tension that always existed. and when he said friday, tomorrow was the last day and the show would close and i said i would go. and in the morning he asked again if i was really coming. and after lunch he asked what i was up to, the plans for the day. ‘did you already notice i dont make eye contact i find it bloody distracting’ Actually shes abit like you Im drawn to girls with a certain sadness I like the messed up ones, I still gravitate towards the art types In the cab- dating is hard because no one gets the artist life, how you’re freelance, juggling a bunch of things I’ve always called them ‘partners’ not ‘girlfriends’ I don’t give it so easily I guard it a lot cos im all about my heart, im not about my brain Estella what would you like-lets do Jap food its Friday ‘I want to touch it’ ‘Only cos its you’ ‘What about you do you stay with your parents’ Similar upbringing, him referencing my sister,Have I not told you this? – said repeatedly I guess this is the first time we are properly speaking Im kidding, I’ll stop messing with you I take things so literally that I need to mess with the world as a game to deal His Aspergers ‘Youre a neurotypical- neuro means brain- you have high EQ dont get me wrong thats good’ im lacking in the emotional part cos im a T and youre an F so you guys are better. ‘now that you know me, or that you are getting to know me’ Sounds really get to him- drilling, ambulances are the worst ‘Atypical’ on Netflix Did you glue every strand of grass ‘well, I scattered it’ That’s why ive such a soft spot for Sean The night is when he makes work- is your house very neat cos his dad is OCD- all his work-making happens outside I don’t know what Love is but I know what it Isnt Rainer Maria Rilke ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ is my bible – ‘and I thought you were a Christian’ There was this girl I was sleeping with who was ENFP and she was going on about how ENFP and INTJs are the most compatible Well look at you things worked out for you you’re good, you’re married ‘He’s Kiwi’ ‘Is he an artist?’ ‘But he gets art, its not like Sharon’s..that was why I broke up with my first one’ ‘Its not like married and game over’ Living, why im alive Its my art cause All the moments and connections and love, etc And he acknowledges it too Being human-being adept at the brain? Rather I’d rather simple naivete You are such a modernist (he says hes a post-modernist) We’re from vicious apes we are inately evil ‘i still choose to believe everyone is inherently good- but you know already that im an idealist’ Its not bout being human and staying alive but not wrestling with it, just sitting idle Telling me about his fishing – and showing me pictures Telling me about Sab’s family history, and sharing about his fam. His OCD dad driving Grab, his brother not actually a weirdo gamer but is probably going to marry his first girlfriend, ‘another breakup and it will actually ruin your sister’, K and S, F and S, R and Levy and S Long, we went down the damn list Bitching about Sab like him showing me her plagerised posts and when I told him she goes ‘hows things? Slow?’ Do you want kids- or is this too early/weird to ask I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids ‘you say this now but if your partner wanted to get married you probably would’ ‘probably’ ‘the one you marry might not be the one you’re most connected to’ ‘why do you not want kids, you’d be such a good dad’ ‘are you high’ ‘no its true, I can see how you are with the students’ ‘well youre brave and youre doing it’ – my art fight when I said I was well-loved and had a great set of parents ‘yea I can see that’ ‘your parents have a good marriage?’ ‘yea how about yours, good too?’ ‘well yea but they love to fight that’s their thing they love to fight, I don’t’ ‘well that’s good right, healthy fighting’ ‘I love women- colour blind-scottish, swedish, asian-american, an indian in between somewhere’ the broken bridge artwork The Fishtank and galerie fish,also he gets that people are fishing in the gallery– I told him when he brought up his fishing Art is Universal- said in the cab and he started opening up ‘You can come for lunch if you want and them come with me’ When we were in his fog room and I was having a dialogue with him, with the students And his student said something provoking Or when Clara walks in and she recognizes me and he said ‘famous, youre famous’ ‘Where do you live’ My dad is coming to get me and we’re going to get some food and then Im going to come back and take down the pieces Me and Raymond are similar because we’re open Rare that you can say something and id be like ‘HELL NO’ Im free-spirited ‘yea you’re more agnostic’ ZH pushes his own agenda more ‘yea but that’s because hes so passionate he seriously cant help it’ R just likes someone to reminisce the streets of London with When I said R just started knowing Im a painter, I make work ‘you have a way more exciting practice than he does’‘Youre on your way, youre doing great’ Talking about oweing your parents and he went out fishing before his parents came to visit I feel the same way- about needing to repay parents- or feel indebted ‘but there are things I cant reveal to them’ when I say ive a completely open relationship with my parents, anything goes, no filter Showing me his back scar ‘i once showed a girl and she started crying’ ‘im high now btw’- and he smokes up like 5-6-7 things I don’t even keep count Telling me about his jailtime for 26 hours, how his ex wasn’t there for him The last one was more typical, asian, Christian, one day decided I was too ‘sinful’ for her and she couldn’t deal – I might write her a letter to apologize And his grandmother and how they found her on a Sunday- how the emotions set in later, through the initial parts he was all rational and calm even though his brother was hysterical ‘I KNOW your work I saw the wall I just didn’t know that was you’ ‘Yea when I first met you I did feel like whats with this person’ ‘there you go’ Shes like you- cares about people, sees the good. how Sab is eroding away the nanyang style way too quick and too fast. S and S ‘similar types that the vice d can dominate. Rilke says be patient, they are already doing the best they can to ‘get it’- the face that both moms visited the schools with us.
Crazy shit friday
I mean i always knew the chemistry sort of existed, was underlying, or something sensed that it was going to be more than normal getting to hang out with him. But you can talk to someone but not Know-Know them in such a way, ever. you can go about in your day to day and something like this just stops you right in your tracks. and you go along, because your instincts are dying to take this ride into the exciting abyss, but also you recognize its short-lived and its made more precious that it isnt reality. you do not have to act on things/have ownership for it to take special place in the recesses of your soul (i even spoke about Soul and innerblink, how the soul is what created those things outside when he woke up with the image and started making-its spirituality rather than practised religion- dude, what can we not talk about). you just..savour it and you delight in it when its actually taking place. like ive been conscious of doing so-taking breaths and pausing while the good stuffs happening, the capital L-I-F-E is happening because i understand its rare and its beautiful and you never know when its going to next happen to you...so yea these are the things that really feed me, what i live for. its just deeply special and i wonder if he feels the same way too. aka its 7am post-yesterday and i wonder whats he thinking/is he?
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